1 00:00:16,941 --> 00:00:19,821 [God] Aziraphale. Angel of the Eastern Gate. 2 00:00:19,901 --> 00:00:21,341 [Aziraphale] Yes, Lord? 3 00:00:21,381 --> 00:00:24,541 [God] Where is the flaming sword I gave you, Aziraphale, 4 00:00:24,661 --> 00:00:26,621 to guard the Gate of Eden? 5 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:29,621 Sword? Right. 6 00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:32,781 Um... uh... 7 00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:35,661 Big, sharp, cutty thing. Yes. [laughs nervously] 8 00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:38,141 Uh... 9 00:00:38,261 --> 00:00:40,021 Oh, must have, uh-- 10 00:00:40,101 --> 00:00:43,741 must have put it down here somewhere. 11 00:00:43,781 --> 00:00:45,421 Um... 12 00:00:46,581 --> 00:00:49,221 Forget my own head next. 13 00:00:50,261 --> 00:00:51,981 Oh, dear. 14 00:00:52,061 --> 00:00:53,861 [thunder crashes] 15 00:00:56,821 --> 00:00:58,661 [chickens clucking] 16 00:01:02,141 --> 00:01:03,341 Hello, Aziraphale. 17 00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:04,781 Crawley. 18 00:01:04,861 --> 00:01:07,821 So, giving the mortals a flaming sword. 19 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,661 How did that work out for you? 20 00:01:10,741 --> 00:01:13,901 The Almighty has never actually mentioned it again. 21 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,781 Probably a good thing. 22 00:01:15,861 --> 00:01:17,301 What's all this about? 23 00:01:17,421 --> 00:01:20,861 Build a big boat and fill it with a travelling zoo? 24 00:01:20,941 --> 00:01:25,181 From what I hear, God's a bit tetchy. 25 00:01:25,221 --> 00:01:27,301 Wiping out the human race. 26 00:01:27,381 --> 00:01:29,101 Big storm. 27 00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:32,141 All of them? 28 00:01:32,221 --> 00:01:34,061 Just the locals. 29 00:01:34,141 --> 00:01:37,461 I don't believe the Almighty's upset with the Chinese. 30 00:01:37,541 --> 00:01:39,381 Or the Native Americans. 31 00:01:39,461 --> 00:01:41,061 Or the Australians. 32 00:01:41,141 --> 00:01:42,581 -Yet. -And God's not actually 33 00:01:42,661 --> 00:01:45,141 going to wipe out all the locals. 34 00:01:45,221 --> 00:01:47,741 I mean, Noah, up there, 35 00:01:47,821 --> 00:01:49,621 his family, and his sons, their wives, 36 00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:52,021 they're all going to be fine. 37 00:01:52,101 --> 00:01:54,821 But they're drowning everybody else? 38 00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:57,261 [goats bleating] 39 00:01:59,301 --> 00:02:01,861 Not the kids? You can't kill kids. 40 00:02:01,941 --> 00:02:04,541 Mm-hmm. 41 00:02:04,621 --> 00:02:06,901 Well, that's more the kind of thing you'd expect my lot to do. 42 00:02:06,981 --> 00:02:09,021 Yes, but when it's done, 43 00:02:09,101 --> 00:02:13,901 the Almighty's going to put up a new thing, called a "rain bow", 44 00:02:14,021 --> 00:02:16,701 as a promise not to drown everyone again. 45 00:02:16,781 --> 00:02:18,341 How kind. 46 00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:20,461 You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley. 47 00:02:20,581 --> 00:02:22,261 God's plans are-- 48 00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:24,461 Are you going to say "ineffable"? 49 00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,181 Possibly. 50 00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:30,181 -[horse whinnies] -Oy! Shem! 51 00:02:30,301 --> 00:02:33,461 That unicorn's going to make a run for it. 52 00:02:33,581 --> 00:02:35,741 Oh, it's too late. It's too late! 53 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,701 Well, you've still got one of them. 54 00:02:38,781 --> 00:02:40,821 [thunder crashes] 55 00:02:44,341 --> 00:02:46,301 [rain patters] 56 00:02:48,021 --> 00:02:49,621 Father, please. 57 00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:50,941 -[loud clang] -[gasps] 58 00:02:51,021 --> 00:02:52,781 You have to forgive them. 59 00:02:52,861 --> 00:02:54,541 Aah! 60 00:02:54,621 --> 00:02:56,061 They don't know what they are doing. 61 00:02:56,141 --> 00:02:58,981 Aah! 62 00:02:59,061 --> 00:03:00,981 [Crowley] Come to smirk at the poor bugger, have you? 63 00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:03,461 [Aziraphale] Smirk? Me? 64 00:03:03,541 --> 00:03:05,341 Well, your lot put him on there. 65 00:03:05,421 --> 00:03:08,261 I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley. 66 00:03:08,341 --> 00:03:09,741 Oh, I've changed it. 67 00:03:09,821 --> 00:03:11,861 -Changed what? -My name. 68 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,901 "Crawl-y" just wasn't really doing it for me. 69 00:03:13,981 --> 00:03:17,301 It's a bit too... squirming-at-your-feet-ish. 70 00:03:17,381 --> 00:03:19,341 Well, you were a snake. 71 00:03:19,421 --> 00:03:20,701 So, what is it now? 72 00:03:20,781 --> 00:03:22,861 Mephistopheles? Asmodeus? 73 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,141 Crowley. 74 00:03:24,221 --> 00:03:26,341 -Hmm. -[hammer pounds] 75 00:03:26,421 --> 00:03:28,781 [gasping and moaning] 76 00:03:31,621 --> 00:03:33,261 Did you, uh... 77 00:03:33,341 --> 00:03:34,941 ever meet him? 78 00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:36,181 Yes. 79 00:03:36,261 --> 00:03:39,501 Seemed a very bright young man. 80 00:03:39,581 --> 00:03:41,461 I showed him all the kingdoms of the world. 81 00:03:41,541 --> 00:03:43,261 Why? 82 00:03:43,341 --> 00:03:44,781 He's a carpenter from Galilee. 83 00:03:44,861 --> 00:03:46,621 His travel opportunities are limited. 84 00:03:48,301 --> 00:03:50,061 -[Jesus cries out] -That has got to hurt. 85 00:03:52,341 --> 00:03:55,061 What was it he said that got everyone so upset? 86 00:03:55,141 --> 00:03:57,261 "Be kind to each other." 87 00:03:57,341 --> 00:03:59,141 Oh, yeah. That'll do it. 88 00:03:59,221 --> 00:04:00,541 [Jesus gasping] 89 00:04:00,621 --> 00:04:04,501 [moaning] 90 00:04:06,981 --> 00:04:09,501 [gasping] 91 00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:19,461 -[wailing] -[dramatic music swells] 92 00:04:31,941 --> 00:04:34,141 [indistinct chattering] 93 00:04:37,461 --> 00:04:39,101 [Crowley] What have you got? 94 00:04:39,181 --> 00:04:42,181 Give me a jug of whatever you think is drinkable. 95 00:04:42,261 --> 00:04:43,541 Jug of house brown. 96 00:04:43,621 --> 00:04:45,181 Two sesterces. 97 00:04:46,621 --> 00:04:48,821 Crawley-- Crowley? 98 00:04:48,901 --> 00:04:50,581 Well... 99 00:04:50,661 --> 00:04:54,621 Fancy running into you here. 100 00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:56,741 Still a demon, then? 101 00:04:56,821 --> 00:04:58,581 What kind of stupid question is that, "Still a demon"? 102 00:04:58,661 --> 00:05:01,501 What else am I going to be, an aardvark? 103 00:05:01,581 --> 00:05:03,501 Salutaria. 104 00:05:08,021 --> 00:05:10,021 In Rome long? 105 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,461 Just nipped in for a quick temptation. 106 00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:13,901 -You? -I thought I'd try 107 00:05:13,941 --> 00:05:15,701 Petronius' new restaurant. 108 00:05:15,781 --> 00:05:18,941 I hear he does remarkable things to oysters. 109 00:05:20,021 --> 00:05:21,381 I've never eaten an oyster. 110 00:05:23,021 --> 00:05:24,221 Oh. 111 00:05:24,261 --> 00:05:25,741 Oh, well, let me tempt you to-- 112 00:05:25,821 --> 00:05:27,261 Oh, no. 113 00:05:27,381 --> 00:05:29,461 No, that's-- that's your job, isn't it? 114 00:05:31,821 --> 00:05:33,781 [crows squawking] 115 00:05:34,981 --> 00:05:37,581 [dramatic music plays] 116 00:05:39,421 --> 00:05:41,981 [footsteps] 117 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:57,221 Hello? 118 00:05:59,221 --> 00:06:04,061 I, Sir Aziraphale of the Table Round, 119 00:06:04,141 --> 00:06:06,341 am here to speak 120 00:06:06,421 --> 00:06:08,141 to the Black Knight. 121 00:06:11,901 --> 00:06:13,821 Oh. Right. 122 00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:15,861 Um... hello. 123 00:06:15,941 --> 00:06:18,021 -Yeah, come. -[stammers] I... 124 00:06:18,101 --> 00:06:20,621 I was hoping to meet with the Black Knight? 125 00:06:24,461 --> 00:06:27,061 You have sought the Black Knight, foolish one. 126 00:06:27,141 --> 00:06:30,421 But you have found your death. 127 00:06:31,741 --> 00:06:33,261 Is that you under there, Crawley? 128 00:06:33,341 --> 00:06:34,741 Crowley. 129 00:06:37,221 --> 00:06:38,781 What the hell are you playing at? 130 00:06:38,861 --> 00:06:41,501 It's alright, lads. I know him. He's alright. 131 00:06:42,701 --> 00:06:43,781 I'm here spreading foment. 132 00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,301 What is that, some kind of porridge? 133 00:06:45,381 --> 00:06:48,581 No. I'm, you know, fomenting dissent and discord. 134 00:06:48,661 --> 00:06:49,981 King Arthur's been spreading too much 135 00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,421 peace and tranquillity in the land, 136 00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:54,661 so I'm here, you know, fomenting. 137 00:06:54,741 --> 00:06:57,861 Well, I'm meant to be fomenting peace. 138 00:06:57,941 --> 00:07:00,701 So we're both working very hard in damp places 139 00:07:00,781 --> 00:07:02,341 and just cancelling each other out? 140 00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:03,861 Well, you could put it like that. 141 00:07:03,941 --> 00:07:05,221 It is a bit damp. 142 00:07:05,301 --> 00:07:08,021 Be easier if we both stayed home. 143 00:07:08,101 --> 00:07:10,101 If we just sent messages back to our head offices 144 00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:12,181 saying we'd done everything they'd asked for, wouldn't it? 145 00:07:12,261 --> 00:07:13,861 But that would be lying. 146 00:07:15,541 --> 00:07:18,061 Eh, possibly, but the end result would be the same. 147 00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:19,661 Cancel each other out. 148 00:07:19,741 --> 00:07:21,781 But, my dear fellow... 149 00:07:21,861 --> 00:07:23,861 well, they'd check. 150 00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:26,381 Michael's a... bit of a stickler. 151 00:07:26,461 --> 00:07:28,181 You don't want to get Gabriel upset with you. 152 00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:29,821 Oh, our lot have better things to do 153 00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:31,981 than verifying compliance reports from Earth. 154 00:07:32,061 --> 00:07:33,541 As long as they get the paperwork, 155 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,141 they seem happy enough. 156 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,141 As long as you're being seen to be doing something 157 00:07:37,221 --> 00:07:38,381 every now and again. 158 00:07:38,461 --> 00:07:41,381 No! Absolutely not! 159 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,021 I am shocked that you would even imply such a thing. 160 00:07:44,101 --> 00:07:45,461 We're not having this conversation. 161 00:07:45,541 --> 00:07:46,981 Not another word. 162 00:07:47,061 --> 00:07:48,661 -Right. -Right! 163 00:07:51,141 --> 00:07:52,221 [helmet clanks] 164 00:07:56,861 --> 00:07:58,941 [minstrel music playing] 165 00:08:12,221 --> 00:08:13,341 [woman] Oysters! 166 00:08:13,421 --> 00:08:15,421 -Oranges! -Some grapes, please. 167 00:08:15,501 --> 00:08:18,821 -[man] To be or not to be, that is the question. -They look scrummy. 168 00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:20,941 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind 169 00:08:21,021 --> 00:08:23,261 to suffer the slings and arrows 170 00:08:23,341 --> 00:08:26,381 -of outrageous fortune... -I thought you said we'd be inconspicuous here. 171 00:08:26,461 --> 00:08:28,461 Blend in among the crowds. 172 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:31,101 [Aziraphale] Well, that was the idea. 173 00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:33,861 -[Shakespeare] Hang on. -[woman] Oranges! 174 00:08:33,941 --> 00:08:36,101 This isn't one of Shakespeare's gloomy ones, is it? 175 00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:38,741 -No wonder nobody's here. -Shh. It's him. It's him. 176 00:08:38,781 --> 00:08:43,141 Prithee, gentles. Might I request a small favour? 177 00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:46,541 Could you, in your role as the audience, 178 00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:48,661 give us more to work with? 179 00:08:48,781 --> 00:08:51,341 You mean, like when the ghost of his father came on, 180 00:08:51,421 --> 00:08:53,541 and I said, "He's behind you!" 181 00:08:53,621 --> 00:08:55,461 Just so. That was jolly helpful. 182 00:08:55,541 --> 00:08:58,901 Made everyone on stage feel appreciated. 183 00:08:58,981 --> 00:09:00,341 A bit more of that. 184 00:09:00,421 --> 00:09:01,541 Good Master Burbage, please. 185 00:09:01,621 --> 00:09:03,541 Speak the lines trippingly. 186 00:09:03,661 --> 00:09:06,541 I am wasting my time up here. 187 00:09:06,661 --> 00:09:08,661 No, no, you're very good. 188 00:09:08,741 --> 00:09:10,381 I love all the... 189 00:09:10,461 --> 00:09:12,381 talking. 190 00:09:12,461 --> 00:09:13,661 And what does your friend think? 191 00:09:13,781 --> 00:09:15,901 Oh, he's not my friend. 192 00:09:15,981 --> 00:09:17,661 We've never met before. We don't know each other. 193 00:09:17,741 --> 00:09:20,101 I think you should get on with the play. 194 00:09:20,181 --> 00:09:22,381 Yes, Burbage. Please. 195 00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:23,901 From the top. 196 00:09:26,021 --> 00:09:29,301 [Burbage] To be or not to be. 197 00:09:29,381 --> 00:09:30,861 That is the question. 198 00:09:30,901 --> 00:09:33,381 To be! I mean, not to be! 199 00:09:33,461 --> 00:09:35,781 Come on, Hamlet! Buck up! 200 00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:37,501 [laughs] 201 00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:40,861 [Burbage] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 202 00:09:40,901 --> 00:09:43,061 -the slings and arrows... -He's very good, isn't he? 203 00:09:43,141 --> 00:09:44,741 Age does not wither, 204 00:09:44,781 --> 00:09:47,781 nor custom stale his infinite variety. 205 00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:49,221 Mmm! 206 00:09:50,781 --> 00:09:52,421 Yeah, I like that. 207 00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:54,421 [Burbage] To die. To sleep. 208 00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,901 -No more... -What do you want? 209 00:09:56,981 --> 00:09:58,181 Why ever would you insinuate 210 00:09:58,261 --> 00:09:59,781 that I might possibly want something? 211 00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:01,741 You are up to no good. 212 00:10:01,781 --> 00:10:05,021 Obviously. You're up to good, I take it? 213 00:10:05,101 --> 00:10:06,261 Lots of good deeds? 214 00:10:06,341 --> 00:10:10,861 No rest for the... well, good. 215 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,061 I have to be in Edinburgh at the end of the week. 216 00:10:13,141 --> 00:10:14,781 -Oh. -A couple of blessings to do. 217 00:10:14,861 --> 00:10:16,541 A minor miracle to perform. 218 00:10:16,661 --> 00:10:19,061 Apparently, I have to ride a horse. 219 00:10:19,141 --> 00:10:22,341 [groans] Hard on the buttocks, horses. 220 00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:24,541 Major design flaw, if you ask me. 221 00:10:24,621 --> 00:10:29,061 I'm meant to be heading to Edinburgh too this week. 222 00:10:29,141 --> 00:10:31,381 Tempting a clan leader to steal some cattle. 223 00:10:31,461 --> 00:10:33,381 Doesn't sound like hard work. 224 00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:37,181 -The pangs of despised love and the insolence of office. -[burps] 225 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:40,781 -And the spurns that we are... -That's why I thought we should... 226 00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:44,621 Well, bit of a waste of effort, 227 00:10:44,661 --> 00:10:46,261 both of us going all the way to Scotland. 228 00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:49,181 You cannot actually be suggesting... 229 00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:51,781 what I infer... 230 00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:53,221 you are implying. 231 00:10:53,301 --> 00:10:54,781 Which is? 232 00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:59,301 That just one of us goes to Edinburgh, does both. 233 00:10:59,381 --> 00:11:00,661 The blessing and the tempting. 234 00:11:00,741 --> 00:11:02,141 We've done it before. 235 00:11:02,221 --> 00:11:04,021 Dozens of times now. 236 00:11:04,101 --> 00:11:06,741 -The arrangement-- -Don't say that. 237 00:11:06,821 --> 00:11:09,221 Our respective head offices don't actually care 238 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,781 how things get done. 239 00:11:10,861 --> 00:11:12,581 They just want to know they can cross it off the list. 240 00:11:12,661 --> 00:11:15,261 But if Hell finds out, they won't just be angry, 241 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,101 they'll destroy you. 242 00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:19,181 Nobody ever has to know. 243 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,861 Toss you for Edinburgh. 244 00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:26,581 Fine. Heads. 245 00:11:29,181 --> 00:11:32,021 Tails, I'm afraid. You're going to Scotland. 246 00:11:32,101 --> 00:11:34,821 It's been like this every performance, Juliet. 247 00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:37,261 Complete dud. 248 00:11:37,341 --> 00:11:40,181 It'd take a miracle to get anyone to come and see "Hamlet". 249 00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:44,541 Yes, alright. 250 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,341 I'll do that one. My treat. 251 00:11:46,421 --> 00:11:48,661 -Oh, really? -I still prefer the funny ones. 252 00:11:57,621 --> 00:12:00,261 [crowd cheering] 253 00:12:03,101 --> 00:12:04,821 -[wet slice] -[head thuds] 254 00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,821 [crowd cheers] 255 00:12:09,941 --> 00:12:11,621 [keys rattle] 256 00:12:17,861 --> 00:12:23,861 [speaking French] 257 00:12:26,301 --> 00:12:28,381 [speaking French] 258 00:12:28,461 --> 00:12:31,501 [speaking French, poorly] 259 00:12:31,581 --> 00:12:32,501 ...mistake-- 260 00:12:32,581 --> 00:12:34,261 Uh, erreur. 261 00:12:34,341 --> 00:12:35,981 Bit out of practise at the French. 262 00:12:36,061 --> 00:12:39,061 Um... [attempting French] 263 00:12:39,141 --> 00:12:41,341 -I speak English. -[guillotine slides and crashes] 264 00:12:41,421 --> 00:12:43,141 -[crowd clamouring] -Listen to that. 265 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,141 The fall of the guillotine blade. 266 00:12:45,221 --> 00:12:46,901 Is it not terrible? 267 00:12:46,981 --> 00:12:50,781 Yes. Yes, cutting off that poor woman's head. Terrible. 268 00:12:50,861 --> 00:12:53,261 It is Pierre. An amateur. 269 00:12:53,341 --> 00:12:56,301 Always he let go of the rope too soon. 270 00:12:56,381 --> 00:12:59,141 You are lucky that it is I, Jean-Claude, 271 00:12:59,221 --> 00:13:02,941 who will remove your traitorous head from your shoulders. 272 00:13:03,021 --> 00:13:04,661 Look, this is all a terrible mistake. 273 00:13:04,741 --> 00:13:06,901 -I don't think you understand-- -I have good news for you. 274 00:13:06,981 --> 00:13:10,661 You are the 999th aristo 275 00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:13,661 to die at the guillotine by my hand. 276 00:13:13,741 --> 00:13:15,981 But the first English. 277 00:13:17,661 --> 00:13:19,501 Now... 278 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,781 Please. No. 279 00:13:21,861 --> 00:13:24,621 Dreadful mistake, discorporating me. 280 00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:27,141 Oh, it'll be a complete nightmare. 281 00:13:27,221 --> 00:13:30,501 -[guillotine crashes] -[crowd cheers] 282 00:13:30,581 --> 00:13:31,941 Animals. 283 00:13:32,021 --> 00:13:33,381 [Crowley] Animals don't kill each other 284 00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:35,101 with clever machines, angel. 285 00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:36,341 Only humans do that. 286 00:13:36,421 --> 00:13:37,741 Crowley. 287 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:42,261 Oh, good Lord. 288 00:13:42,341 --> 00:13:43,781 [Crowley] What the deuce are you doing 289 00:13:43,861 --> 00:13:44,941 locked up in the Bastille? 290 00:13:45,021 --> 00:13:46,861 I thought you were opening a book shop. 291 00:13:46,941 --> 00:13:48,101 Well, I was. 292 00:13:48,181 --> 00:13:50,061 I got peckish. 293 00:13:50,141 --> 00:13:51,581 "Peckish"? 294 00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:54,741 Well, if you must know, it was the crepes. 295 00:13:54,821 --> 00:13:57,821 You can't get decent ones anywhere but Paris. 296 00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,461 And the brioche. 297 00:13:59,541 --> 00:14:02,301 So you just popped across the Channel during a revolution, 298 00:14:02,381 --> 00:14:04,061 because you wanted something to nibble? 299 00:14:04,141 --> 00:14:06,461 -Dressed like that? -I have standards. 300 00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:09,101 I'd heard they were getting a bit carried away over here but-- 301 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,981 Yeah, this is not getting carried away. 302 00:14:11,061 --> 00:14:13,701 This is cutting off lots of people's heads very efficiently 303 00:14:13,781 --> 00:14:15,301 with a big head-cutting machine. 304 00:14:15,381 --> 00:14:17,501 Why didn't you just perform another miracle and go home? 305 00:14:17,581 --> 00:14:20,661 I was reprimanded last month. 306 00:14:20,741 --> 00:14:24,341 They said I'd performed too many frivolous miracles. 307 00:14:24,421 --> 00:14:27,221 Got a strongly worded note from Gabriel. 308 00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,221 Well, you're lucky I was in the area. 309 00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:30,861 I suppose I am. 310 00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:32,581 Why are you here? 311 00:14:32,661 --> 00:14:36,821 My lot sent me a commendation for outstanding job performance. 312 00:14:36,901 --> 00:14:39,421 So all this is your demonic work? 313 00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:41,701 No. The humans thought it up themselves. 314 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,661 Nothing to do with me. 315 00:14:43,741 --> 00:14:44,941 [snaps fingers] 316 00:14:48,661 --> 00:14:50,261 Well, I suppose I should say thank you 317 00:14:50,341 --> 00:14:52,461 for the, uh, rescue. 318 00:14:52,541 --> 00:14:54,221 Don't say that. 319 00:14:54,301 --> 00:14:55,941 If my people hear I rescued an angel, 320 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,221 I'll be the one in trouble. 321 00:14:57,301 --> 00:14:58,701 And my lot do not send rude notes. 322 00:14:58,781 --> 00:15:01,301 Well, anyway, I'm very grateful. 323 00:15:01,381 --> 00:15:03,221 What about if I buy you lunch? 324 00:15:03,301 --> 00:15:04,621 Looking like that? 325 00:15:06,701 --> 00:15:08,221 [sighs] 326 00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:13,381 Well, barely counts as a miracle, really. 327 00:15:13,461 --> 00:15:14,741 [snaps fingers] 328 00:15:14,821 --> 00:15:18,501 [man speaking French] 329 00:15:18,581 --> 00:15:20,421 [gasps and sputters] 330 00:15:22,741 --> 00:15:25,021 Dressed like that, he's asking for trouble. 331 00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:28,741 What's for lunch? 332 00:15:28,821 --> 00:15:31,221 What would you say to some crepes? 333 00:15:31,301 --> 00:15:32,981 [guillotine slicing] 334 00:15:35,341 --> 00:15:38,141 [chattering] 335 00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,821 Look, I've been thinking. What if it all goes wrong? 336 00:15:57,901 --> 00:15:59,581 We have a lot in common, you and me. 337 00:15:59,661 --> 00:16:00,861 I don't know. 338 00:16:00,941 --> 00:16:02,461 We may have both started off as angels, 339 00:16:02,541 --> 00:16:04,621 but you are fallen. 340 00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:06,261 I didn't really fall. 341 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:07,741 I just, you know... 342 00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:10,821 sauntered vaguely downwards. 343 00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:12,301 I need a favour. 344 00:16:12,381 --> 00:16:14,701 We already have the agreement, Crowley. 345 00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:16,221 Stay out of each other's way. 346 00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,181 Lend a hand when needed. 347 00:16:18,261 --> 00:16:20,141 This is something else, 348 00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:21,701 for if it all goes pear-shaped. 349 00:16:23,181 --> 00:16:25,381 I like pears. 350 00:16:25,461 --> 00:16:26,821 If it all goes wrong, 351 00:16:26,901 --> 00:16:28,381 I want insurance. 352 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:30,661 What? 353 00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:32,701 I wrote it down. Walls have ears. 354 00:16:32,781 --> 00:16:34,381 Well, not walls. Trees have ears. 355 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,181 Ducks have ears. 356 00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:37,701 Do ducks have ears? 357 00:16:37,781 --> 00:16:40,661 Must do. That's how they hear other ducks. 358 00:16:41,821 --> 00:16:43,021 Out of the question. 359 00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:44,301 Why not? 360 00:16:44,381 --> 00:16:46,461 It would destroy you. 361 00:16:46,541 --> 00:16:49,061 I'm not bringing you a suicide pill, Crowley. 362 00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:52,301 That's not what I want it for. Just insurance. 363 00:16:54,941 --> 00:16:57,301 I'm not an idiot, Crowley. 364 00:16:57,381 --> 00:17:00,301 Do you know what trouble I'd be in if... 365 00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:03,821 if they knew I'd been fraternising? 366 00:17:03,901 --> 00:17:05,861 It's completely out of the question. 367 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,061 Fraternising? 368 00:17:07,141 --> 00:17:09,501 Well, whatever you wish to call it. 369 00:17:09,581 --> 00:17:12,021 I do not think there is any point in discussing it further. 370 00:17:12,101 --> 00:17:14,741 I have lots of other people to fraternise with, angel. 371 00:17:14,821 --> 00:17:16,581 -Of course you do. -I don't need you. 372 00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:19,741 Well, and the feeling is mutual, obviously. 373 00:17:24,821 --> 00:17:26,261 [mimics] Obviously. 374 00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,901 [clock chiming] 375 00:17:30,981 --> 00:17:34,061 [air raid sirens wail] 376 00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,981 Mr Glozier. Mr Harmony. 377 00:18:05,061 --> 00:18:07,341 Mr Fell. You are late. 378 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,101 But not to worry. 379 00:18:09,181 --> 00:18:11,581 You have the books for the Fuehrer? 380 00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:12,821 [Aziraphale] Yes, I do. 381 00:18:18,061 --> 00:18:19,541 Books of prophecy. 382 00:18:19,581 --> 00:18:22,941 Otwell Binns, Robert Nixon, Mother Shipton. 383 00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:25,341 First editions, as requested. 384 00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,901 What about the other book we told you to bring us? 385 00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,661 The Fuehrer was most definite that he needs it. 386 00:18:30,741 --> 00:18:32,661 It has the prophecies that are true. 387 00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:37,821 With the true prophecy book, the war is as good as won. 388 00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:42,021 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch. 389 00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:47,101 No luck. I'm afraid that is the Holy Grail of prophetic books. 390 00:18:47,181 --> 00:18:49,101 The Fuehrer also wants the Holy Grail. 391 00:18:49,221 --> 00:18:51,421 And the Spear of Destiny, should you run across them. 392 00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:54,541 [Harmony] Why are there no copies of Agnes Nutter's book? 393 00:18:54,581 --> 00:18:57,221 We have made it clear that money is no object. 394 00:18:57,301 --> 00:18:59,821 You will be a very rich man. 395 00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:02,181 The unsold copies of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies 396 00:19:02,261 --> 00:19:04,021 were destroyed by the publisher, 397 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,781 which is, well, all of them. 398 00:19:06,821 --> 00:19:08,821 It never sold a single copy. 399 00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:13,421 But I found the publisher's catalogue for 1655, 400 00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:16,901 and it does list one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies. 401 00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:18,501 What was it? 402 00:19:18,581 --> 00:19:21,541 Her prophecy for 1972. 403 00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:24,821 "Do not buy Betamax." 404 00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:27,181 Who is Peter Max? 405 00:19:27,261 --> 00:19:30,341 I have no idea. 406 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,461 I will pass it on to the Fuehrer. 407 00:19:32,541 --> 00:19:33,941 These volumes of prophecy will be in Berlin 408 00:19:34,021 --> 00:19:35,981 by the end of the week. 409 00:19:36,061 --> 00:19:37,581 The Fuehrer will be most grateful. 410 00:19:37,701 --> 00:19:39,421 [Harmony] You have been exceedingly helpful, Mr Fell. 411 00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:40,981 [gun cocks] 412 00:19:41,061 --> 00:19:44,101 Such a pity you must be eliminated, but take heart, 413 00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:46,261 just another death in the Blitz. 414 00:19:46,341 --> 00:19:48,421 That's not very sporting. 415 00:19:48,501 --> 00:19:51,221 You do not appear worried, my friend. 416 00:19:51,301 --> 00:19:53,101 [gun cocks] 417 00:19:55,301 --> 00:19:56,941 He's not worried. 418 00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:58,581 Who is she? 419 00:19:58,661 --> 00:20:00,941 She, my double-dealing Nazi acquaintance, 420 00:20:01,021 --> 00:20:04,821 is the reason why none of those books are going back to Berlin, 421 00:20:04,941 --> 00:20:08,341 and why your nasty little spy ring 422 00:20:08,461 --> 00:20:11,661 will be spending the rest of the war behind bars. 423 00:20:11,741 --> 00:20:15,581 Let me introduce you to Captain Rose Montgomery 424 00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:18,061 of British Military Intelligence. 425 00:20:18,101 --> 00:20:20,261 Thank you for the introduction. 426 00:20:20,341 --> 00:20:22,541 Our side know all about you two. 427 00:20:22,581 --> 00:20:25,541 She recruited me to work for you. 428 00:20:25,581 --> 00:20:28,341 And now she's going to tell you that this building 429 00:20:28,421 --> 00:20:31,061 is surrounded by British agents, 430 00:20:31,101 --> 00:20:33,581 and that you two have been-- 431 00:20:33,661 --> 00:20:35,781 What is that lovely American expression? 432 00:20:35,821 --> 00:20:38,181 Played for suckers. 433 00:20:38,261 --> 00:20:40,821 -Yes, about that-- -Right. Everyone! 434 00:20:40,941 --> 00:20:43,101 Come on! 435 00:20:43,181 --> 00:20:44,581 Round them up! 436 00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:49,101 Rose, where exactly are your people? 437 00:20:51,181 --> 00:20:53,581 [laughs] We are all here. 438 00:20:54,661 --> 00:20:55,901 Allow me to introduce 439 00:20:55,981 --> 00:20:58,221 Fraulein Greta Kleinschmidt. 440 00:20:58,301 --> 00:21:00,501 -She works with us. -[gasps] 441 00:21:00,581 --> 00:21:03,661 [speaking German] 442 00:21:04,661 --> 00:21:08,821 [speaking German] 443 00:21:08,941 --> 00:21:11,901 "Played for a sucker". I must remember that. 444 00:21:11,981 --> 00:21:15,181 I am played for a sucker, you are played for a sucker, 445 00:21:15,261 --> 00:21:19,061 he, she, it... [chuckles] will be played for a sucker. 446 00:21:19,101 --> 00:21:20,341 Now, where were we? 447 00:21:20,461 --> 00:21:23,221 Oh, yes. Killing you. 448 00:21:23,301 --> 00:21:25,261 You can't kill me. 449 00:21:25,341 --> 00:21:27,541 -There'll be paperwork. -[door slams] 450 00:21:27,581 --> 00:21:29,261 [Crowley gasping] 451 00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:39,901 Sorry, consecrated ground. 452 00:21:39,981 --> 00:21:42,981 Oh! It's like being at the beach in bare feet. 453 00:21:43,061 --> 00:21:44,701 What are you doing here? 454 00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:47,421 Stopping you getting into trouble. 455 00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:49,261 I should have known. Of course. 456 00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:51,501 These people are working for you. 457 00:21:51,581 --> 00:21:54,501 No. They're a bunch of half-witted Nazi spies 458 00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:56,061 running around London, 459 00:21:56,141 --> 00:21:57,501 blackmailing and murdering people. 460 00:21:57,581 --> 00:21:59,421 I just didn't want to see you embarrassed. 461 00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:02,541 Mr Anthony J. Crowley. 462 00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:04,061 Your fame precedes you. 463 00:22:04,141 --> 00:22:06,101 -Anthony? -You don't like it? 464 00:22:06,181 --> 00:22:08,701 No, no, I didn't say that. I'll get used to it. 465 00:22:08,781 --> 00:22:10,861 The famous Mr Crowley? 466 00:22:10,941 --> 00:22:14,181 That's such a pity you must both die. 467 00:22:14,261 --> 00:22:16,101 What does the "J" stand for? 468 00:22:16,181 --> 00:22:18,661 [stammers] It's just a "J", really. 469 00:22:18,741 --> 00:22:20,621 Look at that! 470 00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,341 A whole fontful of holy water. 471 00:22:22,421 --> 00:22:23,621 It doesn't even have guards. 472 00:22:23,701 --> 00:22:25,981 Enough babbling. Kill them both. 473 00:22:26,061 --> 00:22:30,021 In about a minute, a German bomber will release a bomb 474 00:22:30,101 --> 00:22:31,821 that will land right here. 475 00:22:31,901 --> 00:22:35,621 If you all run away very, very fast, you might not die. 476 00:22:35,701 --> 00:22:37,101 You won't enjoy dying, 477 00:22:37,181 --> 00:22:39,021 definitely won't enjoy what comes after. 478 00:22:39,101 --> 00:22:40,661 You expect us to believe that? 479 00:22:40,741 --> 00:22:43,581 The bombs tonight will fall on the East End. 480 00:22:43,661 --> 00:22:46,741 Yes. It would take a last-minute demonic intervention 481 00:22:46,821 --> 00:22:48,701 to throw them off course, yes. 482 00:22:48,781 --> 00:22:51,781 You're all wasting your valuable running-away time. 483 00:22:51,861 --> 00:22:54,981 And if, in 30 seconds, a bomb does land here, 484 00:22:55,061 --> 00:22:59,781 it would take a real miracle for my friend and I to survive it. 485 00:22:59,861 --> 00:23:01,581 A real miracle? 486 00:23:01,661 --> 00:23:04,221 Kill them. They are very irritating. 487 00:23:06,461 --> 00:23:09,061 [air whistling overhead] 488 00:23:09,141 --> 00:23:12,061 [bombs explode] 489 00:23:27,061 --> 00:23:30,621 -[air raid siren blares] -[people screaming distantly] 490 00:23:32,861 --> 00:23:34,781 That was very kind of you. 491 00:23:34,861 --> 00:23:36,781 Shut up. 492 00:23:36,861 --> 00:23:38,901 Well, it was. 493 00:23:38,981 --> 00:23:41,381 No paperwork, for a start. 494 00:23:41,461 --> 00:23:43,261 Oh, the books. 495 00:23:43,341 --> 00:23:48,301 Oh, I forgot all the books! 496 00:23:48,381 --> 00:23:51,221 Oh, they'll all be blown to... 497 00:23:51,301 --> 00:23:52,661 [grunts] 498 00:23:52,741 --> 00:23:55,221 Little demonic miracle of my own. 499 00:23:55,301 --> 00:23:56,621 Lift home? 500 00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:10,381 [psychedelic pop music plays] 501 00:24:13,421 --> 00:24:16,341 So, Spike, you're the muscles, 502 00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:18,021 you'll be hauling on the ropes. 503 00:24:18,101 --> 00:24:20,101 And she'll be going down on the ropes then? 504 00:24:20,181 --> 00:24:21,621 -[door creaks] -Hang on. 505 00:24:22,941 --> 00:24:24,381 Who are you? 506 00:24:24,461 --> 00:24:26,741 I understand you need a locksman. 507 00:24:26,821 --> 00:24:30,621 [Crowley] I was expecting Mr Narker. 508 00:24:30,701 --> 00:24:33,061 Well, Mr Narker's passed on to his reward. 509 00:24:33,141 --> 00:24:34,861 I've taken over the business. 510 00:24:34,941 --> 00:24:37,621 He was my cellmate. He taught me everything he knew. 511 00:24:37,701 --> 00:24:38,941 My name's Shadwell. 512 00:24:39,021 --> 00:24:42,621 Please, sit down, Mr Shadwell. 513 00:24:42,701 --> 00:24:45,701 Lance Corporal Shadwell. 514 00:24:45,781 --> 00:24:47,501 If you don't mind. 515 00:24:47,581 --> 00:24:49,541 [Sally] So, what's so valuable 516 00:24:49,621 --> 00:24:51,581 that they're going to leave it in a church at night? 517 00:24:51,661 --> 00:24:54,301 We'll go over the details of what you're obtaining for me 518 00:24:54,381 --> 00:24:57,581 when we get there. 519 00:24:57,661 --> 00:25:00,261 You will all be very well compensated. 520 00:25:04,901 --> 00:25:07,381 You have a question, Lance Corporal Shadwell? 521 00:25:07,461 --> 00:25:10,781 Stealing from a church. 522 00:25:10,861 --> 00:25:16,141 There's nae witchcraft involved here, is there? 523 00:25:16,221 --> 00:25:17,901 No. 524 00:25:17,981 --> 00:25:19,861 Completely witch-free robbery. 525 00:25:19,941 --> 00:25:21,541 Mm. Pity. 526 00:25:21,621 --> 00:25:22,981 Any other questions? 527 00:25:23,061 --> 00:25:24,781 [Shadwell] You are not yourself a witch, 528 00:25:24,861 --> 00:25:27,821 warlock or someone that calls your cat funny names? 529 00:25:29,421 --> 00:25:31,461 Not a witch. No pets. Anyone else? 530 00:25:31,541 --> 00:25:33,581 What are we getting paid? 531 00:25:33,661 --> 00:25:35,621 A hundred now, 532 00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:38,101 another hundred when the job's done. 533 00:25:38,181 --> 00:25:40,181 A hundred more to keep schtum. 534 00:25:40,261 --> 00:25:42,181 [laughs] 535 00:25:44,381 --> 00:25:45,861 [Shadwell] Mr Crowley? 536 00:25:45,941 --> 00:25:48,381 May I have a moment of your time? 537 00:25:48,461 --> 00:25:53,581 Yes... Lance Corporal Shadwell. 538 00:25:53,661 --> 00:25:54,941 What are you a lance corporal in? 539 00:25:55,021 --> 00:25:56,421 You don't look like an army man. 540 00:25:56,501 --> 00:25:57,821 [chuckles] 541 00:25:57,901 --> 00:25:59,621 Well, that is precisely the matter upon which 542 00:25:59,701 --> 00:26:01,261 I planned to talk to you. 543 00:26:01,341 --> 00:26:03,501 You might remember earlier this evening, 544 00:26:03,581 --> 00:26:07,141 I asked a rather pointed question about witchcraft. 545 00:26:07,221 --> 00:26:09,381 -Yes. -Well, I am a proud member 546 00:26:09,461 --> 00:26:11,821 of an enormous organisation. 547 00:26:11,901 --> 00:26:14,821 Vast. 548 00:26:14,901 --> 00:26:18,261 A secret army that battles the forces of witchery. 549 00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:19,861 How nice for you. 550 00:26:19,941 --> 00:26:23,621 The Witchfinder Army. Perhaps you've heard of it. 551 00:26:23,701 --> 00:26:25,301 What? I thought you said it was secret. 552 00:26:25,381 --> 00:26:27,541 Well, you never know when a gentleman such as yourself 553 00:26:27,621 --> 00:26:31,101 might have need of such an organisation. 554 00:26:31,181 --> 00:26:34,261 A man with hundreds of pounds to throw around. 555 00:26:35,461 --> 00:26:37,061 If you need us, 556 00:26:37,141 --> 00:26:39,261 the Witchfinder Army are here for you. 557 00:26:39,341 --> 00:26:40,701 A whole army? 558 00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:43,221 Think it over. 559 00:26:43,301 --> 00:26:44,701 You know where to find me. 560 00:27:02,141 --> 00:27:03,381 What are you doing here? 561 00:27:03,461 --> 00:27:04,381 I needed a word with you. 562 00:27:04,461 --> 00:27:05,981 What? 563 00:27:06,061 --> 00:27:09,301 I work in Soho. I hear things. 564 00:27:09,381 --> 00:27:13,501 I hear that you're setting up a... caper 565 00:27:13,581 --> 00:27:15,781 to rob a church. 566 00:27:15,861 --> 00:27:17,501 Crowley, it's too dangerous. 567 00:27:17,581 --> 00:27:19,421 Holy water won't just kill your body. 568 00:27:19,501 --> 00:27:21,621 It will destroy you completely. 569 00:27:21,701 --> 00:27:25,061 You told me what you think 105 years ago. 570 00:27:25,141 --> 00:27:27,501 And I haven't changed my mind. 571 00:27:27,581 --> 00:27:29,861 But I can't have you risking your life. 572 00:27:31,301 --> 00:27:32,861 Not even for something dangerous. 573 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:35,221 So... 574 00:27:37,741 --> 00:27:39,381 you can call off the robbery. 575 00:27:40,941 --> 00:27:42,541 Don't go unscrewing the cap. 576 00:27:49,061 --> 00:27:50,021 It's the real thing? 577 00:27:50,101 --> 00:27:51,341 The holiest. 578 00:27:54,061 --> 00:27:55,341 After everything you said. 579 00:28:01,461 --> 00:28:03,221 Should I say thank you? 580 00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:05,581 Better not. 581 00:28:07,501 --> 00:28:09,861 Well, can I drop you anywhere? 582 00:28:09,941 --> 00:28:12,381 No, thank you. 583 00:28:12,461 --> 00:28:14,101 Oh, don't look so disappointed. 584 00:28:14,181 --> 00:28:15,781 Perhaps one day we could... 585 00:28:15,861 --> 00:28:17,301 I don't know. 586 00:28:17,381 --> 00:28:19,381 Go for a picnic. 587 00:28:19,461 --> 00:28:21,261 Dine at the Ritz. 588 00:28:21,341 --> 00:28:24,021 I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go. 589 00:28:25,461 --> 00:28:27,741 You go too fast for me, Crowley. 590 00:28:30,901 --> 00:28:32,701 [car door opens and closes] 591 00:28:38,701 --> 00:28:41,101 [theme music plays] 592 00:30:14,221 --> 00:30:16,541 Sorry. Right number. 593 00:30:18,421 --> 00:30:21,621 I'll just go to head office and explain it all. 594 00:30:21,701 --> 00:30:24,181 Yes. So, Gabriel, um... 595 00:30:24,261 --> 00:30:25,501 Listen, Gabriel, 596 00:30:25,581 --> 00:30:27,741 most holy Archangel Gabr-- 597 00:30:27,821 --> 00:30:29,501 No, that's too formal. 598 00:30:29,581 --> 00:30:31,621 Hello, Gabriel, me old mate. 599 00:30:31,701 --> 00:30:34,981 There is a-a-a child we have to deal with 600 00:30:35,061 --> 00:30:38,581 and-and make everything OK again. 601 00:30:38,661 --> 00:30:40,061 Oh, God. 602 00:30:42,101 --> 00:30:43,261 [sighs] 603 00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:44,581 Hello, Gabriel. 604 00:30:44,661 --> 00:30:46,301 Just thought you ought to know 605 00:30:46,381 --> 00:30:48,901 that due to an unfortunate mix-up in a hospital, 606 00:30:48,981 --> 00:30:51,381 the Antichrist has been mislaid. 607 00:30:51,461 --> 00:30:53,941 But it's alright, because I've found him. 608 00:30:54,021 --> 00:30:57,141 He's living in the English village of Tadfield. 609 00:30:57,221 --> 00:31:00,701 And his 11th birthday was the start of... 610 00:31:00,781 --> 00:31:02,701 uh, the end of things. 611 00:31:02,781 --> 00:31:06,941 I have his address, and so we just have to eliminate him now, 612 00:31:07,021 --> 00:31:10,341 then everything could still be OK, yeah. 613 00:31:10,421 --> 00:31:12,781 He'll have an enormous Hell Hound with him. 614 00:31:12,861 --> 00:31:14,341 He won't be hard to spot. 615 00:31:16,181 --> 00:31:19,581 [God] This wasn't, insofar as the Hell Hound 616 00:31:19,661 --> 00:31:21,821 had had any expectations, 617 00:31:21,901 --> 00:31:23,701 what he had imagined life would be like 618 00:31:23,781 --> 00:31:25,541 in the last days before Armageddon. 619 00:31:27,341 --> 00:31:28,621 Form shapes nature. 620 00:31:28,701 --> 00:31:29,901 There are certain ways of behaviour 621 00:31:29,981 --> 00:31:31,341 appropriate to small dogs, 622 00:31:31,421 --> 00:31:34,741 which are in fact welded into the genes. 623 00:31:34,821 --> 00:31:37,821 He'd surprised the huge ginger cat from next door, 624 00:31:37,901 --> 00:31:39,781 and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly 625 00:31:39,861 --> 00:31:42,141 by means of the usual glowing stare. 626 00:31:42,221 --> 00:31:43,581 -[meows] -[yelps] 627 00:31:43,661 --> 00:31:46,141 It had always worked in the past. 628 00:31:46,221 --> 00:31:48,541 Dog was looking forward to a further cat experiment, 629 00:31:48,621 --> 00:31:50,341 which would consist of jumping around 630 00:31:50,421 --> 00:31:52,461 and yapping excitedly at it. 631 00:31:52,541 --> 00:31:54,781 -[Anathema] I can't believe it! I can't believe it! -[objects smashing] 632 00:31:54,861 --> 00:31:58,141 -Three hundred and fifty years my family kept it safe. -[whimpering] 633 00:31:58,221 --> 00:32:01,061 Three hundred and fifty years! 634 00:32:01,141 --> 00:32:04,101 So stupid! 635 00:32:05,141 --> 00:32:06,221 Come on, Dog. 636 00:32:06,301 --> 00:32:09,461 [Dog barking] 637 00:32:09,541 --> 00:32:13,421 Hello, are you OK? Can I help? 638 00:32:13,501 --> 00:32:14,541 [crying] I'm fine. 639 00:32:14,621 --> 00:32:16,421 But you were crying. 640 00:32:16,501 --> 00:32:18,421 I know. 641 00:32:18,501 --> 00:32:19,901 [sniffles] 642 00:32:26,661 --> 00:32:28,141 Hello. 643 00:32:32,581 --> 00:32:34,181 This is going to sound so stupid, 644 00:32:34,261 --> 00:32:38,581 but I lost my book and it all just got a bit much. 645 00:32:38,661 --> 00:32:40,341 I can help you look for it. 646 00:32:40,421 --> 00:32:41,781 Oh, that's sweet of you. 647 00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,421 It's been in my family for a long time. 648 00:32:43,501 --> 00:32:45,021 I wrote a book once. 649 00:32:45,101 --> 00:32:47,541 It was about this pirate who was a famous detective. 650 00:32:47,621 --> 00:32:49,901 I bet it was a lot more exciting than any book you've lost. 651 00:32:49,981 --> 00:32:51,261 Especially the bit in the spaceship 652 00:32:51,341 --> 00:32:52,501 where the dinosaur comes out 653 00:32:52,581 --> 00:32:53,741 and fights with the cowboys. 654 00:32:53,821 --> 00:32:55,381 I bet it'd cheer you up, my book. 655 00:32:55,461 --> 00:32:57,501 I'm Adam. I live in Hogback Lane. 656 00:32:57,581 --> 00:32:58,981 Thanks, Adam. 657 00:33:00,821 --> 00:33:02,701 Oh, I'm Anathema. 658 00:33:04,661 --> 00:33:05,781 Are you from around here? 659 00:33:05,861 --> 00:33:07,141 This is my world. 660 00:33:07,221 --> 00:33:09,181 From Hogback Wood to the Dip, 661 00:33:09,261 --> 00:33:11,261 and from the old quarry up to the pond. 662 00:33:11,341 --> 00:33:13,621 You haven't seen two men in a big black vintage car, have you? 663 00:33:13,701 --> 00:33:15,021 Did they steal it? 664 00:33:15,101 --> 00:33:16,381 Professional book thieves, 665 00:33:16,461 --> 00:33:18,021 probably go around in their car stealing books. 666 00:33:18,101 --> 00:33:20,301 No, no, no, they didn't mean to steal it. 667 00:33:20,381 --> 00:33:22,501 Do you want some lemonade? 668 00:33:22,581 --> 00:33:24,021 Are we going to have to break into the cottage 669 00:33:24,101 --> 00:33:25,621 and battle the witch for it? 670 00:33:25,701 --> 00:33:27,061 That's my cottage. 671 00:33:27,141 --> 00:33:28,341 I'm renting it. 672 00:33:28,421 --> 00:33:30,421 Look, excuse me for asking, 673 00:33:30,501 --> 00:33:32,061 if it's not a personal question, 674 00:33:32,141 --> 00:33:34,301 but are you a witch? 675 00:33:34,381 --> 00:33:37,621 No, I'm an occultist. 676 00:33:37,701 --> 00:33:39,701 Oh, well, that's alright, then. 677 00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:45,301 [Dog growling] 678 00:33:46,461 --> 00:33:47,861 Come on, you silly dog. 679 00:33:47,941 --> 00:33:49,861 [God] There had been a horseshoe over the door 680 00:33:49,941 --> 00:33:52,101 of Jasmine Cottage for hundreds of years. 681 00:33:52,181 --> 00:33:55,501 It protected the inhabitants from evil, or so they believed. 682 00:33:55,581 --> 00:33:57,021 You can just leave him in the garden. 683 00:33:57,101 --> 00:33:59,381 [Adam] No. He has to do everything he's told. 684 00:33:59,461 --> 00:34:01,421 My father says I can only keep him if he's properly trained. 685 00:34:01,501 --> 00:34:02,661 [Dog yelping] 686 00:34:02,741 --> 00:34:06,941 -Now, Dog, go inside. -[growls] 687 00:34:07,021 --> 00:34:08,901 Good boy. It wasn't that hard, was it? 688 00:34:08,981 --> 00:34:10,781 [God] The Hell Hound entered the cottage 689 00:34:10,861 --> 00:34:13,981 and a little bit more of Hell burned away. 690 00:34:14,061 --> 00:34:15,461 [sizzling] 691 00:34:18,301 --> 00:34:21,821 [suspenseful music] 692 00:34:56,181 --> 00:34:57,981 [God] Strictly speaking, 693 00:34:58,061 --> 00:35:00,461 Shadwell doesn't run the Witchfinder Army. 694 00:35:00,541 --> 00:35:02,701 According to Shadwell's pay ledgers, 695 00:35:02,821 --> 00:35:05,581 it is run by Witchfinder General Smith. 696 00:35:05,661 --> 00:35:09,501 Under him are Witchfinder Colonels Green and Jones, 697 00:35:09,581 --> 00:35:12,221 and Witchfinder Majors Jackson, Robinson and Smith. 698 00:35:12,341 --> 00:35:15,581 Then there are Witchfinder Majors Saucepan, 699 00:35:15,661 --> 00:35:17,301 Tin, 700 00:35:17,381 --> 00:35:19,101 Milkbottle, deceased, 701 00:35:19,181 --> 00:35:21,021 and Cupboard, 702 00:35:21,101 --> 00:35:23,461 because Shadwell's limited imagination 703 00:35:23,541 --> 00:35:26,541 had been beginning to struggle at this point. 704 00:35:36,061 --> 00:35:39,181 [TV chatter playing in background] 705 00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:40,301 Sergeant Shadwell. 706 00:35:40,381 --> 00:35:41,901 Mr Crowley. 707 00:35:41,981 --> 00:35:43,421 You're looking well. 708 00:35:43,501 --> 00:35:44,821 Clean living. 709 00:35:44,901 --> 00:35:47,941 And your father, how is he? 710 00:35:48,021 --> 00:35:50,061 You resemble him very much, you know. 711 00:35:50,141 --> 00:35:52,821 So they tell me. Yeah, he's well. 712 00:35:52,901 --> 00:35:55,541 I've prepared the ledger. 713 00:35:55,621 --> 00:35:58,221 The men need paying, Your Honour. 714 00:35:58,341 --> 00:36:02,981 It's hard times for Witchfinders in today's degenerate age. 715 00:36:03,061 --> 00:36:04,981 That won't be necessary. 716 00:36:05,061 --> 00:36:06,781 Two hundred and fifty pounds. 717 00:36:06,861 --> 00:36:08,981 I'll drop the money off for you on Saturday. 718 00:36:09,061 --> 00:36:11,981 Only in cash, in an envelope. 719 00:36:12,061 --> 00:36:13,541 Don't take plastic. 720 00:36:13,621 --> 00:36:14,941 You astonish me. 721 00:36:16,661 --> 00:36:18,061 So... 722 00:36:18,141 --> 00:36:21,021 There's a village called Tadfield, in Oxfordshire. 723 00:36:21,101 --> 00:36:22,421 Send your best people down there. 724 00:36:22,501 --> 00:36:24,981 I'm looking for a boy. He's about 11. 725 00:36:25,061 --> 00:36:26,501 I don't have anything more than that. 726 00:36:26,581 --> 00:36:30,301 But look for anything... strange. 727 00:36:31,621 --> 00:36:34,341 This, uh, boy... 728 00:36:34,421 --> 00:36:35,941 he's a witch? 729 00:36:36,021 --> 00:36:37,461 Possibly. 730 00:36:37,541 --> 00:36:39,581 We'll have to find him first, won't we? 731 00:36:39,661 --> 00:36:41,141 Aye. [chuckles] 732 00:36:41,181 --> 00:36:42,661 Well, my best operative, 733 00:36:42,701 --> 00:36:46,301 that would be Witchfinder Lieutenant Table. 734 00:36:46,381 --> 00:36:47,981 Call me if you find anything. 735 00:36:48,061 --> 00:36:49,861 Witchfinder Sergeant Pepper. 736 00:36:49,941 --> 00:36:51,381 All my family have had occult powers, 737 00:36:51,461 --> 00:36:53,021 going all the way back. 738 00:36:53,101 --> 00:36:55,181 -[Dog whining] -We can find ley lines. 739 00:36:55,221 --> 00:36:57,221 Right. What's ley lines? 740 00:36:57,341 --> 00:37:01,061 Invisible lines of force linking places of power. 741 00:37:01,141 --> 00:37:03,581 Amazing there being all these invisible lines of force around 742 00:37:03,661 --> 00:37:04,861 and me not seeing them. 743 00:37:04,941 --> 00:37:06,141 We can see auras. 744 00:37:06,181 --> 00:37:07,981 And they are? 745 00:37:08,061 --> 00:37:10,861 This coloured forcefield surrounding someone. 746 00:37:10,941 --> 00:37:12,301 Everyone's got one. 747 00:37:12,381 --> 00:37:14,581 And I can look at its strengths and colour 748 00:37:14,661 --> 00:37:16,661 and tell you how you're feeling. 749 00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:19,221 That's brilliant. Why don't they teach us about them at school? 750 00:37:19,341 --> 00:37:21,661 Because school is a repressive tool of the state. 751 00:37:21,701 --> 00:37:23,661 So, what colour's my aura then? 752 00:37:29,301 --> 00:37:32,101 Adam, I can't see your aura. 753 00:37:32,181 --> 00:37:33,501 You said everybody's got one. 754 00:37:33,581 --> 00:37:34,821 I don't know, hon. 755 00:37:34,901 --> 00:37:37,141 It's an art, not a science. 756 00:37:37,181 --> 00:37:38,581 So, what else don't they teach us at school? 757 00:37:38,661 --> 00:37:39,981 They're clubbing baby seals. 758 00:37:40,061 --> 00:37:41,461 They're cutting down the rain forest 759 00:37:41,541 --> 00:37:42,701 so you can get a cheap hamburger. 760 00:37:42,821 --> 00:37:44,341 Watch out for genetically modified food. 761 00:37:44,421 --> 00:37:46,141 Don't get me started on global warming. 762 00:37:46,181 --> 00:37:48,581 And that's because whales have huge brains, 763 00:37:48,661 --> 00:37:50,141 and they're hunting them for no reason. 764 00:37:50,181 --> 00:37:51,381 Nuclear power stations. 765 00:37:51,461 --> 00:37:52,901 Nuclear power stations are rubbish. 766 00:37:52,981 --> 00:37:54,701 Yes! Yes, they are. 767 00:37:54,821 --> 00:37:56,381 We went to one on a school trip, 768 00:37:56,461 --> 00:37:57,621 and there was nothing bubbling, 769 00:37:57,661 --> 00:37:59,141 and there wasn't any green smoke, 770 00:37:59,181 --> 00:38:00,901 and there weren't anyone in those space suits. 771 00:38:00,981 --> 00:38:02,701 -And it was so dull. -Well, yes, 772 00:38:02,821 --> 00:38:04,941 but we need to get rid of them. 773 00:38:05,021 --> 00:38:06,981 Serves them right for not bubbling. 774 00:38:07,061 --> 00:38:11,141 -[bell jingling] -Adam, I have to get back to work. 775 00:38:11,181 --> 00:38:14,701 But if you're interested in any of this stuff, 776 00:38:14,821 --> 00:38:16,701 I have some old magazines here. 777 00:38:16,821 --> 00:38:18,981 You don't have to read them if you don't want. 778 00:38:20,701 --> 00:38:22,181 Wicked. 779 00:38:30,861 --> 00:38:32,181 [God] It might have helped Anathema 780 00:38:32,301 --> 00:38:33,701 to understand what was going on, 781 00:38:33,821 --> 00:38:35,461 if she understood the very simple reason 782 00:38:35,541 --> 00:38:37,541 why she couldn't see Adam's aura. 783 00:38:37,621 --> 00:38:40,901 It's for the same reason that people in Times Square 784 00:38:40,981 --> 00:38:42,461 can't see America. 785 00:38:48,941 --> 00:38:50,861 [Gabriel] So, Aziraphale... 786 00:38:51,901 --> 00:38:53,061 got your message. 787 00:38:53,141 --> 00:38:55,541 Have you got something big? 788 00:38:55,621 --> 00:38:56,981 Lay it on us. 789 00:38:57,061 --> 00:38:58,661 I'm sorry? 790 00:38:58,781 --> 00:39:00,901 What's happening? 791 00:39:02,141 --> 00:39:04,981 OK, ahem, so... 792 00:39:05,061 --> 00:39:06,421 Well, ahem... 793 00:39:08,221 --> 00:39:09,981 It's-- It's about the Antichrist. 794 00:39:10,061 --> 00:39:11,381 [Uriel] Yes? 795 00:39:11,461 --> 00:39:13,581 [Aziraphale] I think that, um... 796 00:39:14,861 --> 00:39:17,541 Well, it's not impossible, 797 00:39:17,621 --> 00:39:19,381 uh, considering all-- 798 00:39:19,461 --> 00:39:21,341 all the alternatives that the-- 799 00:39:21,421 --> 00:39:24,821 the other side, 800 00:39:24,901 --> 00:39:27,101 might have lost track of him. [laughs nervously] 801 00:39:29,341 --> 00:39:31,141 The "other side"? 802 00:39:33,941 --> 00:39:35,181 [Gabriel] Lost track of him? 803 00:39:35,301 --> 00:39:36,781 He's the son of the U.S. ambassador. 804 00:39:36,861 --> 00:39:38,701 He's under constant surveillance. 805 00:39:38,821 --> 00:39:40,581 The other side are currently transporting him 806 00:39:40,661 --> 00:39:43,181 to the plains of Megiddo. 807 00:39:43,221 --> 00:39:44,901 Apparently, that's the traditional starting point. 808 00:39:44,981 --> 00:39:47,581 Middle Eastern unrest. Everything else just follows. 809 00:39:47,661 --> 00:39:49,781 The Four Horsemen ride out. 810 00:39:49,861 --> 00:39:52,101 Last great battle between Heaven and Hell. 811 00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,221 Yes. Well, um... 812 00:39:54,341 --> 00:39:58,461 it's possible that the demon, Crowley, 813 00:39:58,541 --> 00:40:00,981 a-a-a wily adversary... 814 00:40:01,061 --> 00:40:02,181 [laughs nervously] 815 00:40:02,221 --> 00:40:04,621 Keeps me on my toes, I can tell you. 816 00:40:06,341 --> 00:40:12,141 But the, um, ambassador's, uh, son, uh... 817 00:40:12,181 --> 00:40:15,101 -Well, it may have been a ruse. -A ruse? 818 00:40:15,181 --> 00:40:19,821 And the actual Antichrist might be, um... 819 00:40:21,661 --> 00:40:23,141 somewhere else. 820 00:40:27,381 --> 00:40:28,621 Where? 821 00:40:31,221 --> 00:40:33,021 Not sure. 822 00:40:33,101 --> 00:40:34,701 I mean, I-I-I could find out. 823 00:40:36,221 --> 00:40:39,861 I have a team of... agents. 824 00:40:39,941 --> 00:40:41,981 A dedicated team who-- 825 00:40:42,061 --> 00:40:44,701 who would investigate the possibility. 826 00:40:44,821 --> 00:40:46,301 Um... 827 00:40:46,381 --> 00:40:48,421 hypothetically speaking, 828 00:40:48,501 --> 00:40:49,861 if that were the case-- 829 00:40:49,941 --> 00:40:52,061 It wouldn't change anything, Aziraphale. 830 00:40:52,141 --> 00:40:53,661 There was war in Heaven 831 00:40:53,781 --> 00:40:57,181 long before the Earth was created. 832 00:40:57,221 --> 00:40:58,501 Crowley and the rest were cast out, 833 00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:00,821 but nothing was ever really settled. 834 00:41:00,901 --> 00:41:02,541 I suppose it wasn't. 835 00:41:04,381 --> 00:41:08,181 But there doesn't have to be another war, does there? 836 00:41:08,301 --> 00:41:11,421 As much as we appreciate your hypotheticals, Aziraphale, 837 00:41:11,501 --> 00:41:14,101 I'm afraid we have other things to do. 838 00:41:16,821 --> 00:41:19,701 The Earth isn't going to just end itself, you know. 839 00:41:20,821 --> 00:41:23,181 No. Yes. Right. 840 00:41:31,861 --> 00:41:33,861 [device humming] 841 00:41:46,661 --> 00:41:47,941 Hello. 842 00:41:54,101 --> 00:41:56,581 [indistinct chattering] 843 00:41:59,621 --> 00:42:00,621 Hello. 844 00:42:17,381 --> 00:42:19,221 R.P. Tyler. 845 00:42:19,341 --> 00:42:20,701 Neighbourhood watch. 846 00:42:20,821 --> 00:42:23,021 I couldn't help but notice, young person, 847 00:42:23,101 --> 00:42:24,941 that you have a map. 848 00:42:25,021 --> 00:42:26,621 Casing the joint, are we? 849 00:42:26,661 --> 00:42:28,541 I'm-- I'm renting Jasmine Cottage. 850 00:42:28,621 --> 00:42:31,541 Oh, good Lord, you're an American tourist. 851 00:42:31,621 --> 00:42:34,941 Sorry. Thought you were a person of interest. 852 00:42:35,021 --> 00:42:36,541 Oh, I-- I am. 853 00:42:36,621 --> 00:42:38,341 Listen, 11 years ago, 854 00:42:38,421 --> 00:42:39,821 something came to this village. 855 00:42:39,901 --> 00:42:43,381 Some sort of beast or creature. 856 00:42:43,461 --> 00:42:44,621 And if you're neighbourhood watch, 857 00:42:44,661 --> 00:42:47,221 maybe you noticed. 858 00:42:47,341 --> 00:42:49,661 Tadfield is a perfectly respectable village. 859 00:42:49,701 --> 00:42:52,701 If you're coming here to smoke your fatty spliffers 860 00:42:52,821 --> 00:42:54,661 and bimble off to woo-woo land, 861 00:42:54,701 --> 00:42:57,781 then I suggest that you go elsewhere. 862 00:42:57,861 --> 00:42:59,461 Like back to America. 863 00:42:59,541 --> 00:43:01,621 [dog barking] 864 00:43:04,061 --> 00:43:06,701 "Fatty spliffers"? 865 00:43:14,061 --> 00:43:15,701 What did you think of that, then? 866 00:43:15,821 --> 00:43:17,981 That's an angel who's been down there too long. 867 00:43:18,061 --> 00:43:20,701 I don't trust him. 868 00:43:20,821 --> 00:43:23,141 Hypotheticals, indeed. 869 00:43:27,661 --> 00:43:30,061 [phone rings] 870 00:43:32,981 --> 00:43:34,981 [ringing continues] 871 00:43:38,821 --> 00:43:41,181 [ringing continues] 872 00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:43,421 [in posh accent] Hello. 873 00:43:43,501 --> 00:43:45,501 [Aziraphale, on phone] Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell, please. 874 00:43:45,581 --> 00:43:49,101 Or, um, one of his officers. 875 00:43:49,181 --> 00:43:51,861 [Tracy] I shall endeavour to see if he is available. 876 00:43:51,941 --> 00:43:53,221 Hold on. 877 00:43:58,941 --> 00:44:00,661 Coo-ee, Mr Shadwell. 878 00:44:01,821 --> 00:44:02,941 Oh, hello, dear. 879 00:44:03,021 --> 00:44:04,461 Hello, Madame Tracy. 880 00:44:05,501 --> 00:44:08,661 Away with you, harlot. 881 00:44:08,741 --> 00:44:10,861 There's a gentleman on the telephone for you. 882 00:44:10,941 --> 00:44:13,181 Sounds ever so refined. 883 00:44:13,261 --> 00:44:15,941 And I'll be getting a nice bit of liver for us for Sunday. 884 00:44:16,021 --> 00:44:17,381 I'd sooner sup with the devil. 885 00:44:22,901 --> 00:44:25,661 So if you could just give me the plates back from last week. 886 00:44:25,741 --> 00:44:27,021 There's a love. 887 00:44:28,381 --> 00:44:29,621 -Aye? -[door closes] 888 00:44:29,701 --> 00:44:31,141 [Aziraphale] Sergeant Shadwell. 889 00:44:31,221 --> 00:44:33,341 -It's you-know-who. -Who? 890 00:44:34,341 --> 00:44:36,981 Me. Your, um, sponsor. 891 00:44:37,061 --> 00:44:40,261 Listen, do you have any men free? 892 00:44:40,341 --> 00:44:42,581 I need them to poke about a bit. 893 00:44:42,661 --> 00:44:43,901 Poke? 894 00:44:43,981 --> 00:44:45,781 Where exactly do you want them poking? 895 00:44:45,861 --> 00:44:47,021 Tadfield. 896 00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:48,741 It's a small town in Oxfordshire. 897 00:44:48,821 --> 00:44:50,741 There's a boy I need placed under observation. 898 00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:53,181 I-I need to know where he is at all times. 899 00:44:53,261 --> 00:44:55,101 I can give you his address. 900 00:44:55,181 --> 00:44:57,141 I'll put a squad of my best men onto it. 901 00:44:57,221 --> 00:44:59,421 Oh, good. Thank you so much. 902 00:44:59,501 --> 00:45:02,021 [Aziraphale] Oh, and I should have asked about Witchfinder Major Milkbottle. 903 00:45:02,101 --> 00:45:04,541 I was so sorry to hear of his untimely end. 904 00:45:04,621 --> 00:45:06,421 I sent flowers. 905 00:45:06,501 --> 00:45:08,701 Aye, the flowers were appreciated. 906 00:45:08,781 --> 00:45:11,581 And so was the extra £20 for the family. 907 00:45:11,661 --> 00:45:13,821 He was a brave man. 908 00:45:13,901 --> 00:45:17,141 Oh, I was flabbergasted when you told me how he died. 909 00:45:17,221 --> 00:45:18,741 Aye. A brave man. 910 00:45:18,821 --> 00:45:21,821 I'll be by the bookstore, um, next week 911 00:45:21,901 --> 00:45:24,141 to pick up your annual dues. 912 00:45:24,221 --> 00:45:25,701 Squad of best men to Tadfield, dear fellow. 913 00:45:25,781 --> 00:45:28,661 And keep them there until I give you more orders. 914 00:45:28,741 --> 00:45:30,541 Now, the boy is called... 915 00:45:30,621 --> 00:45:32,581 Adam Young. 916 00:45:32,661 --> 00:45:37,541 And his address is number four, Hogback Lane, Tadfield. 917 00:45:37,621 --> 00:45:38,741 Have you got it? 918 00:45:38,821 --> 00:45:40,341 [Shadwell] Absolutely, Your Honour. 919 00:45:40,421 --> 00:45:42,861 -Tadfield it is. -Right. Pip-pip. 920 00:45:42,941 --> 00:45:45,261 And let me know when your men are in position. 921 00:45:47,221 --> 00:45:48,421 Pip-pip. 922 00:45:48,501 --> 00:45:49,941 Great southern pansy. 923 00:45:53,661 --> 00:45:57,661 Find any witches yet, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer? 924 00:45:57,741 --> 00:45:59,301 Even better than that. 925 00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:01,301 I found something really interesting. 926 00:46:01,381 --> 00:46:02,861 Hmm. 927 00:46:02,941 --> 00:46:04,581 I've discovered some unusual weather patterns. 928 00:46:04,661 --> 00:46:06,621 There's a town in Oxfordshire 929 00:46:06,701 --> 00:46:08,021 with some very strange weather events. 930 00:46:08,101 --> 00:46:09,661 Oh? Raining blood? 931 00:46:09,741 --> 00:46:11,181 Or raining fish? 932 00:46:11,261 --> 00:46:14,141 Satanic frost in summer withering the crops 933 00:46:14,221 --> 00:46:16,901 after some hag got into an argument with a farmer? 934 00:46:16,981 --> 00:46:19,941 No. It's just... 935 00:46:20,021 --> 00:46:24,341 it always has perfect weather for the time of year. 936 00:46:24,421 --> 00:46:27,181 You call that a phenomenon? 937 00:46:27,261 --> 00:46:29,221 Normal weather for the time of year isn't normal. 938 00:46:29,301 --> 00:46:31,981 Crisp autumns, long, hot Augusts. 939 00:46:32,061 --> 00:46:34,181 The kind of weather you used to dream of as a kid. 940 00:46:34,261 --> 00:46:37,181 [Newt] It's snowed there every Christmas Eve for the last 11 years. 941 00:46:37,261 --> 00:46:38,861 Not interested. 942 00:46:38,941 --> 00:46:42,181 Just look for witches and witch-caused phenomenon-enoms. 943 00:46:44,261 --> 00:46:47,821 [God] He called himself "Dr Raven Sable", 944 00:46:47,901 --> 00:46:50,421 but you know him by another name. 945 00:46:50,501 --> 00:46:52,941 He loves hunger. 946 00:46:53,021 --> 00:46:55,981 He loves people not eating enough in fancy restaurants. 947 00:46:56,061 --> 00:46:57,821 Your main course, madam. 948 00:46:57,901 --> 00:47:00,341 Chicken froth on a reduction of broccoli gel 949 00:47:00,421 --> 00:47:02,181 with a mushroom foam. 950 00:47:02,261 --> 00:47:04,421 And the chef recommends that you have this first. 951 00:47:04,501 --> 00:47:07,141 A balloon filled with lavender-scented air. 952 00:47:07,221 --> 00:47:09,141 It is the first course. 953 00:47:10,941 --> 00:47:12,621 [Sable] It just occurred to me. 954 00:47:12,701 --> 00:47:15,941 I've never seen a room full of rich people so hungry before. 955 00:47:16,021 --> 00:47:18,941 [God] He's a businessman with a chain of restaurants. 956 00:47:19,021 --> 00:47:20,901 And he's about to launch something new. 957 00:47:20,981 --> 00:47:23,501 Chow: food-free food. 958 00:47:23,581 --> 00:47:26,781 ["Hound Dog" playing] 959 00:47:26,861 --> 00:47:28,941 Artificial bun. Artificial burger. 960 00:47:29,021 --> 00:47:31,341 Fries that have never seen a potato. 961 00:47:31,421 --> 00:47:32,781 Foodless sauces. 962 00:47:32,861 --> 00:47:35,621 And... we're rather proud of this: 963 00:47:35,701 --> 00:47:39,301 a completely artificial dill pickle. 964 00:47:39,381 --> 00:47:42,021 The shake doesn't contain any actual food content either. 965 00:47:42,101 --> 00:47:45,221 Well, nobody's shakes contain any actual food content. 966 00:47:45,301 --> 00:47:47,101 OK, let's try it out. 967 00:47:52,221 --> 00:47:54,301 Press this button when you hand over the Chow. 968 00:47:54,381 --> 00:47:57,581 And don't call it "food". It's Chow. 969 00:48:00,101 --> 00:48:01,301 [electronic voice] Chow-brand unfood contains spun, 970 00:48:01,381 --> 00:48:02,741 plaited and woven protein molecules 971 00:48:02,821 --> 00:48:04,301 designed to be ignored by your digestive enzymes, 972 00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:05,981 no-cal sweeteners, oil replacements, fibrous materials, 973 00:48:06,061 --> 00:48:07,141 colourings and flavourings. Chow is an edible substance 974 00:48:07,221 --> 00:48:09,221 and must not be confused with food. 975 00:48:09,301 --> 00:48:11,061 Eating Chow can help you to lose weight, hair and kidney functions. 976 00:48:11,141 --> 00:48:12,741 May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal. 977 00:48:12,821 --> 00:48:14,901 Party, name of Sable? 978 00:48:14,981 --> 00:48:16,901 I thought it was you. 979 00:48:16,981 --> 00:48:19,701 I looked around, I thought, "Tall gent with a beard, nice suit." 980 00:48:19,781 --> 00:48:22,221 [Int'l. Express Man] There's a package for you, sir. You have to sign for it. 981 00:48:23,781 --> 00:48:27,621 [man singing indistinctly] 982 00:48:27,701 --> 00:48:31,021 [man singing "Hound Dog"] 983 00:48:31,101 --> 00:48:34,141 ["Hound Dog" and kitchen chatter continue] 984 00:48:35,941 --> 00:48:37,821 -[Frannie gasps] -[Sable] The measuring scales. 985 00:48:37,901 --> 00:48:39,621 Finally. 986 00:48:39,701 --> 00:48:41,181 I'm flying to England. 987 00:48:41,261 --> 00:48:43,301 I'll let the jet know. When are you returning? 988 00:48:43,381 --> 00:48:45,461 Who knows? 989 00:48:45,541 --> 00:48:46,741 Cancel all my appointments. 990 00:48:46,821 --> 00:48:48,101 For how long? 991 00:48:48,181 --> 00:48:49,861 -The foreseeable future. -[box snaps closed] 992 00:49:04,941 --> 00:49:06,661 Sergeant Shadwell, 993 00:49:06,741 --> 00:49:08,301 you know the village I was telling you about 994 00:49:08,381 --> 00:49:09,981 with the perfect weather? 995 00:49:11,261 --> 00:49:13,141 Well, according to the manual, 996 00:49:13,221 --> 00:49:15,781 witches can influence the weather. 997 00:49:15,861 --> 00:49:18,461 What if I was to sort of nip over there tomorrow, 998 00:49:18,541 --> 00:49:20,021 have a little look round? 999 00:49:20,101 --> 00:49:21,781 I could pay for my own petrol. 1000 00:49:21,861 --> 00:49:25,501 This village, it wouldn't be called Tadfield, would it? 1001 00:49:25,581 --> 00:49:27,461 How did you know that? 1002 00:49:27,541 --> 00:49:29,821 Aye. 1003 00:49:29,901 --> 00:49:31,541 Well, I suppose it can't do any harm. 1004 00:49:31,621 --> 00:49:35,221 Be here at 9:00 in the morning, afore you leave. 1005 00:49:35,301 --> 00:49:38,101 What for? 1006 00:49:38,181 --> 00:49:40,301 Your armour of righteousness. 1007 00:49:41,901 --> 00:49:43,621 [phone rings] 1008 00:49:43,701 --> 00:49:45,141 [Crowley, on phone] It's me. 1009 00:49:45,221 --> 00:49:47,061 Meet me at the third alternative rendezvous. 1010 00:49:47,141 --> 00:49:49,581 Is that the old bandstand, the number 19 bus, 1011 00:49:49,661 --> 00:49:51,061 or the British Museum café? 1012 00:49:51,141 --> 00:49:53,861 The bandstand. I'll be there in 15 minutes. 1013 00:49:53,941 --> 00:49:56,061 -[crows cawing] -[TV plays in background] 1014 00:49:56,141 --> 00:49:58,901 Dad, did you know that there are ley lines everywhere? 1015 00:49:58,981 --> 00:50:01,541 No, Adam. Ley lines are rubbish. 1016 00:50:01,621 --> 00:50:03,621 Oh, you'll like this bit, Deirdre. 1017 00:50:03,701 --> 00:50:06,541 They've taped the gun under the chair. 1018 00:50:06,621 --> 00:50:08,301 -[laughs] -It's not rubbish. 1019 00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:11,261 They wouldn't write about it in magazines if it was rubbish. 1020 00:50:11,341 --> 00:50:14,661 [laughing] 1021 00:50:14,741 --> 00:50:16,581 There's people from Tibet watching everything we do 1022 00:50:16,661 --> 00:50:18,221 through hidden tunnels. 1023 00:50:18,301 --> 00:50:20,981 -[woman on TV, indistinct] -[suspenseful music swells] 1024 00:50:22,861 --> 00:50:24,541 I think I might go to bed early, actually. 1025 00:50:32,501 --> 00:50:33,981 [whispers] Do you think he's alright? 1026 00:50:34,061 --> 00:50:35,541 He's fine. 1027 00:50:50,021 --> 00:50:51,341 [Crowley] Well? 1028 00:50:54,141 --> 00:50:56,141 -Any news? -Um... 1029 00:50:56,221 --> 00:50:58,181 What-what kind of news would that be? 1030 00:50:58,261 --> 00:51:00,221 Well, have you found the missing Antichrist's name, 1031 00:51:00,301 --> 00:51:02,061 address and shoe size yet? 1032 00:51:02,141 --> 00:51:04,701 His shoe size? Why-- Why would I have his shoe size? 1033 00:51:04,781 --> 00:51:07,581 It's a joke. I've got nothing either. 1034 00:51:07,661 --> 00:51:09,981 It's the Great Plan, Crowley. 1035 00:51:10,061 --> 00:51:11,501 Yeah. For the record, 1036 00:51:11,581 --> 00:51:15,101 great pustulent mangled bollocks 1037 00:51:15,181 --> 00:51:18,181 to the Great blasted Plan! 1038 00:51:18,261 --> 00:51:19,661 May you be forgiven. 1039 00:51:20,661 --> 00:51:22,341 I won't be forgiven. 1040 00:51:22,421 --> 00:51:24,021 Not ever. 1041 00:51:24,101 --> 00:51:25,861 That's part of a demon's job description. 1042 00:51:25,941 --> 00:51:28,221 Unforgiveable. That's what I am. 1043 00:51:28,301 --> 00:51:29,901 You were an angel once. 1044 00:51:29,981 --> 00:51:31,461 That was a long time ago. 1045 00:51:34,221 --> 00:51:36,301 We find the boy. My agents can do it. 1046 00:51:36,381 --> 00:51:37,541 And then what? 1047 00:51:37,621 --> 00:51:40,141 We eliminate him? 1048 00:51:40,221 --> 00:51:42,541 Someone does. I'm not personally up for killing kids. 1049 00:51:42,621 --> 00:51:43,901 You're the demon. I'm the nice one. 1050 00:51:43,981 --> 00:51:45,141 I don't have to kill children. 1051 00:51:45,221 --> 00:51:46,541 -Uh-uh-uh... -If you kill him, 1052 00:51:46,621 --> 00:51:47,981 then the world gets a reprieve 1053 00:51:48,061 --> 00:51:50,101 and Heaven does not have blood on its hands. 1054 00:51:50,181 --> 00:51:51,581 Oh, no blood on your hands? 1055 00:51:51,661 --> 00:51:53,421 That's a bit holier-than-thou, isn't it? 1056 00:51:53,501 --> 00:51:55,581 I am a great deal holier than thou. That's the whole point. 1057 00:51:55,661 --> 00:51:57,421 You should kill the boy yourself. 1058 00:51:57,501 --> 00:51:58,701 Holi-ly. 1059 00:51:58,781 --> 00:52:02,381 I am not killing anybody. 1060 00:52:04,461 --> 00:52:06,261 This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. 1061 00:52:06,341 --> 00:52:08,101 I don't even know why I'm still talking to you. 1062 00:52:08,181 --> 00:52:09,741 -Well, frankly, neither do I. -Enough, I'm leaving. 1063 00:52:09,821 --> 00:52:11,141 You can't leave, Crowley. 1064 00:52:11,221 --> 00:52:12,381 There isn't anywhere to go. 1065 00:52:12,461 --> 00:52:15,381 It's a big universe. 1066 00:52:15,461 --> 00:52:17,581 Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, 1067 00:52:17,661 --> 00:52:18,901 we can go off together. 1068 00:52:21,021 --> 00:52:22,661 Go off together? 1069 00:52:24,021 --> 00:52:25,821 Listen to yourself. 1070 00:52:25,901 --> 00:52:27,781 How long have we been friends? 1071 00:52:27,861 --> 00:52:29,261 Six thousand years! 1072 00:52:29,341 --> 00:52:30,941 Friends? We're not friends. 1073 00:52:31,021 --> 00:52:34,741 We are an angel and a demon. 1074 00:52:34,821 --> 00:52:36,501 We have nothing whatsoever in common. 1075 00:52:36,581 --> 00:52:38,941 -I don't even like you. -You do. 1076 00:52:39,021 --> 00:52:40,901 Even if I did know where the Antichrist was, 1077 00:52:40,981 --> 00:52:42,941 I wouldn't tell you. We're on opposite sides. 1078 00:52:43,021 --> 00:52:45,261 We're on our side. 1079 00:52:45,341 --> 00:52:47,101 There is no "our side", Crowley. 1080 00:52:47,181 --> 00:52:48,821 Not anymore. 1081 00:52:48,901 --> 00:52:50,141 It's over. 1082 00:52:53,021 --> 00:52:54,541 Right. 1083 00:52:57,501 --> 00:52:58,981 Well, then... 1084 00:52:59,981 --> 00:53:00,981 [grunts] 1085 00:53:04,421 --> 00:53:05,981 Have a nice doomsday. 1086 00:53:12,541 --> 00:53:14,941 [TV plays in background, muffled] 1087 00:53:31,381 --> 00:53:32,981 Brilliant. 1088 00:53:52,741 --> 00:53:54,381 [voices, whispering] You can do it. 1089 00:53:54,461 --> 00:53:57,941 [voices overlapping] 1090 00:54:00,621 --> 00:54:03,381 It's getting closer. 1091 00:54:03,461 --> 00:54:05,101 It's getting stronger. 1092 00:54:05,181 --> 00:54:07,821 [Klaxon siren wails] 1093 00:54:07,901 --> 00:54:10,701 [whispers continue] 1094 00:54:10,781 --> 00:54:12,501 [whispers fade] 1095 00:54:18,461 --> 00:54:20,261 [alarm continues] 1096 00:54:22,661 --> 00:54:24,661 -That's a bit-- -[man] Impossible. 1097 00:54:27,221 --> 00:54:28,541 Is this a joke? 1098 00:54:28,621 --> 00:54:30,381 [woman] 240 megawatts of power 1099 00:54:30,461 --> 00:54:32,701 are currently being produced by this power station, Eric. 1100 00:54:32,781 --> 00:54:35,221 It's just, according to our indicators, 1101 00:54:35,301 --> 00:54:37,501 nothing's producing them. 1102 00:54:37,581 --> 00:54:39,581 What do you mean I have to authorise it? 1103 00:54:39,661 --> 00:54:42,021 Is there anyone else? 1104 00:54:42,101 --> 00:54:44,021 I know I'm the minister. 1105 00:54:45,381 --> 00:54:47,621 Well, then, yes. 1106 00:54:47,701 --> 00:54:50,061 I authorise you to open the bloody thing up. 1107 00:54:53,461 --> 00:54:56,661 [Geiger counter clicking] 1108 00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:05,821 [woman] Oh. 1109 00:55:05,901 --> 00:55:07,381 There's something you don't see every day. 1110 00:55:07,461 --> 00:55:11,301 An enormous room without a nuclear reactor in it. 1111 00:55:11,381 --> 00:55:14,701 But... there's nothing there. 1112 00:55:14,781 --> 00:55:16,621 Not nothing, chief. 1113 00:55:19,021 --> 00:55:20,901 [woman] It looks like a sherbet lemon. 1114 00:55:23,461 --> 00:55:26,301 [indistinct, overlapping whispers resume] 1115 00:55:28,061 --> 00:55:31,861 Mend it all. End it all. 1116 00:55:32,861 --> 00:55:35,061 End it all. 1117 00:55:37,741 --> 00:55:39,661 [upbeat theme music plays]