1 00:00:05,141 --> 00:00:08,341 Captain's log, Pleasure Cruiser Morbillo. 2 00:00:08,421 --> 00:00:11,141 We were sailing south-southwest on course for Havana 3 00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:13,021 when we realised something was amiss. 4 00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:16,021 [man] What's that on the horizon? 5 00:00:19,341 --> 00:00:20,981 But that's impossible. 6 00:00:32,141 --> 00:00:34,021 It appears a vast expanse of seabed 7 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,941 has risen beneath us in the night. 8 00:00:36,021 --> 00:00:38,741 Strange people in long robes and diving helmets 9 00:00:38,781 --> 00:00:41,461 have come aboard the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, 10 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,141 who think that we have organised this for their amusement. 11 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:50,101 The High Priest has just won the Quoits contest. 12 00:00:50,181 --> 00:00:53,421 [voices, whispering] Make it happen. Make it real. 13 00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:57,261 Make it happen. Make it real. 14 00:00:57,341 --> 00:01:00,501 Make it happen. Make it real. 15 00:01:00,581 --> 00:01:02,621 Make it happen. 16 00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,341 Make it real. 17 00:01:04,421 --> 00:01:06,701 Make it happen. 18 00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:09,541 [voices continue, overlapping] 19 00:01:09,581 --> 00:01:11,541 Adam, I still don't understand the thing you were telling us 20 00:01:11,581 --> 00:01:13,301 about alien spaceships. 21 00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:16,581 If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages 22 00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:19,301 of universal peace and goodwill. 23 00:01:19,381 --> 00:01:22,421 I'd say, "This is a laser blaster. 24 00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:25,021 Prepare to die, rebel swine." 25 00:01:25,101 --> 00:01:28,141 I'd say that too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer. 26 00:01:28,221 --> 00:01:30,741 -Or, "Exterminate." -[laughs] 27 00:01:30,821 --> 00:01:32,381 Obviously, the aliens used to do that. 28 00:01:32,461 --> 00:01:34,821 Now they give messages of global peace and cosmic harmony, 29 00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:36,341 and the government hushes it all up. 30 00:01:36,421 --> 00:01:37,781 -Why? -It's what they do. 31 00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:39,541 They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors, 32 00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,661 and the people from Tibet who have secret tunnels 33 00:01:41,741 --> 00:01:43,781 and are listening to everything we say. 34 00:01:43,861 --> 00:01:46,181 Adam, I don't think this stuff is, 35 00:01:46,261 --> 00:01:48,781 you know... real. 36 00:01:48,861 --> 00:01:49,941 [growls] 37 00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,461 Things on the Internet can be made up. 38 00:01:53,541 --> 00:01:55,101 This is magazines. 39 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,701 Of course it's real. Just like the City of Atlantis. 40 00:01:57,781 --> 00:01:59,781 Actually, I don't think Atlantis is a thing. 41 00:01:59,861 --> 00:02:01,541 It's under the sea. And people live there. 42 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:02,981 How can they breathe? 43 00:02:03,061 --> 00:02:04,661 I bet they wear diving helmets. 44 00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:06,701 -[Adam] That's right. -Do you believe that's true? 45 00:02:06,781 --> 00:02:09,421 Of course it's true. What I say is true. 46 00:02:15,741 --> 00:02:18,701 That's not the only news we're hearing from the ocean. 47 00:02:18,781 --> 00:02:21,581 Some initial reports claim that the land that's risen 48 00:02:21,621 --> 00:02:24,821 in the Atlantic is the sunken continent of Atlantis. 49 00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:27,181 This photograph of so-called Atlanteans 50 00:02:27,301 --> 00:02:30,301 has been posted by passengers on a holiday cruise ship. 51 00:02:30,381 --> 00:02:32,901 Strange times indeed. 52 00:02:32,981 --> 00:02:35,101 [theme music plays] 53 00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:08,381 Hmm. 54 00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:16,541 -It's me. -I know it's you, Aziraphale. 55 00:04:16,621 --> 00:04:20,101 Yes. Right. Look, we need to get word upstairs to the... 56 00:04:20,181 --> 00:04:22,501 to the-- to the Big Boss. 57 00:04:22,581 --> 00:04:24,741 There-- there's been prophecies. 58 00:04:24,821 --> 00:04:26,581 What's in human prophecies that matters to us? 59 00:04:26,661 --> 00:04:30,181 Well, er, the Kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor. 60 00:04:30,261 --> 00:04:32,581 So does Atlantis. And the rain forests return. 61 00:04:32,661 --> 00:04:34,581 And that's just for starters. 62 00:04:34,661 --> 00:04:36,141 Armageddon is coming, 63 00:04:36,221 --> 00:04:38,141 and I'm fairly certain it starts today. 64 00:04:38,221 --> 00:04:39,581 Just after teatime. 65 00:04:39,661 --> 00:04:41,061 Exactly. Right on schedule. What's your point? 66 00:04:41,141 --> 00:04:43,221 Look, will you please stop, just for a minute? Please. 67 00:04:43,261 --> 00:04:44,821 [panting] 68 00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:51,501 -Well? -I just... 69 00:04:51,581 --> 00:04:53,381 I just thought there was something we could do. 70 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,941 There is. We can fight. And we can win. 71 00:04:56,061 --> 00:04:57,781 But there doesn't have to be a war. 72 00:04:57,821 --> 00:05:00,141 Of course there does. Otherwise, how would we win it? 73 00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:01,741 Hmm? 74 00:05:01,821 --> 00:05:04,941 Now look, wrap up whatever you need to wrap up down here. 75 00:05:05,021 --> 00:05:07,101 Report back to active service and... 76 00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:08,461 [sighs] 77 00:05:09,781 --> 00:05:10,821 ...lose the gut. 78 00:05:11,821 --> 00:05:12,941 Come on. 79 00:05:13,061 --> 00:05:15,341 You're a lean, mean fighting machine. 80 00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:16,701 [laughs] What are you? 81 00:05:16,781 --> 00:05:18,261 I'm... 82 00:05:22,261 --> 00:05:23,541 I'm soft. 83 00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:26,341 -[gasps] -Almost forgot. 84 00:05:26,381 --> 00:05:27,621 According to our records, 85 00:05:27,701 --> 00:05:30,381 you were issued a flaming sword. 86 00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:31,821 You didn't lose that? 87 00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:34,261 What, like I... 88 00:05:34,341 --> 00:05:37,421 I'd just give it away or something? 89 00:05:44,781 --> 00:05:46,461 [God] Two items have been delivered. 90 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:48,701 Two Horsemen are preparing to ride. 91 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:51,621 The last two deliveries still need to be made. 92 00:05:53,021 --> 00:05:53,981 Lesley. 93 00:05:54,061 --> 00:05:55,501 Come back to bed. 94 00:05:55,581 --> 00:05:57,581 [Lesley] I can't, love. I got deliveries to make. 95 00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,981 On a Saturday morning? 96 00:06:00,061 --> 00:06:02,621 Well, at least it's local. Two jobs and I'm done. 97 00:06:02,701 --> 00:06:04,061 [Maud] Lesley. 98 00:06:04,141 --> 00:06:06,101 Who are these deliveries for? 99 00:06:06,181 --> 00:06:07,701 I don't know, love. 100 00:06:07,781 --> 00:06:09,541 Someone important. 101 00:06:09,621 --> 00:06:12,221 Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago. 102 00:06:12,301 --> 00:06:13,581 They were joking. 103 00:06:13,661 --> 00:06:15,221 Well, the company's only 80 years old. 104 00:06:15,301 --> 00:06:16,861 But I saw the paperwork. 105 00:06:18,021 --> 00:06:19,421 Anyway... 106 00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:21,901 ours is not to reason why. 107 00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:26,581 Ours... is to deliver packages. 108 00:06:27,581 --> 00:06:29,541 I love you... 109 00:06:29,621 --> 00:06:31,501 tiger. 110 00:06:31,581 --> 00:06:32,741 I love you, Maud. 111 00:06:32,821 --> 00:06:33,821 [kiss] 112 00:06:35,421 --> 00:06:36,621 [laughs] 113 00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:48,901 I may be out of line here, 114 00:06:48,981 --> 00:06:51,741 but I've been following up on Aziraphale's comments 115 00:06:51,821 --> 00:06:53,621 during our last meeting. 116 00:06:55,861 --> 00:06:58,861 I went back through the Earth observation files. 117 00:07:04,981 --> 00:07:07,061 I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation. 118 00:07:07,141 --> 00:07:08,621 'Course. 119 00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:10,461 Would you have any objection to me following this up 120 00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:11,821 using back channels? 121 00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,541 There are no back channels, Michael. 122 00:07:26,021 --> 00:07:27,941 [Michael] It's me. 123 00:07:28,021 --> 00:07:29,381 It's our man Aziraphale. 124 00:07:29,461 --> 00:07:31,981 Is there any possibility he's working for you? 125 00:07:33,221 --> 00:07:35,181 No? 126 00:07:35,261 --> 00:07:37,661 Well, then, you might want to investigate the activities 127 00:07:37,741 --> 00:07:39,781 of the demon Crowley. 128 00:07:39,861 --> 00:07:41,821 Might be playing his own game. 129 00:07:41,901 --> 00:07:44,541 Word to the wise. 130 00:07:44,621 --> 00:07:47,741 No, I'm... I'm telling you, you can't trust him. 131 00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:54,341 Of course you can trust me. 132 00:07:55,381 --> 00:07:56,781 I'm an angel. 133 00:07:58,261 --> 00:07:59,781 [blows] 134 00:07:59,861 --> 00:08:02,101 [distant shrill ringing] 135 00:08:03,981 --> 00:08:07,661 Crowley. Crowley. Crowley. 136 00:08:10,461 --> 00:08:12,861 What have you been playing at? 137 00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:20,501 [Crowley] Where should I go? 138 00:08:23,941 --> 00:08:25,661 England's out. 139 00:08:28,381 --> 00:08:30,501 America's out. 140 00:08:30,581 --> 00:08:33,781 Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday. 141 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:36,381 It exists today. Still out. 142 00:08:39,261 --> 00:08:40,901 The moon. 143 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,461 No atmosphere. No nightlife. 144 00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:47,781 Alpha Centauri. 145 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,861 That's always nice this time of year. 146 00:08:51,341 --> 00:08:53,981 Beautiful nebula. Look at that. 147 00:08:55,421 --> 00:08:56,781 I helped build that one. 148 00:08:58,261 --> 00:09:00,461 I only ever asked questions. 149 00:09:02,221 --> 00:09:04,861 That's all it took to be a demon in the old days. 150 00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,221 Great Plan? 151 00:09:06,301 --> 00:09:07,781 God, you listening? 152 00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:10,181 Show me a Great Plan. 153 00:09:12,541 --> 00:09:14,501 Okay, I know you're testing them, 154 00:09:14,541 --> 00:09:17,181 you said you were going to be testing them. 155 00:09:17,261 --> 00:09:19,781 You shouldn't test them to destruction. 156 00:09:23,181 --> 00:09:24,541 Not to the end of the world. 157 00:09:39,661 --> 00:09:41,781 [whistling] 158 00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:46,981 [lorry horn blares] 159 00:09:51,461 --> 00:09:54,781 Shouldn't be allowed. Bloody lorries. 160 00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:58,901 No respect for other road users. 161 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,901 [God] In the old days, and it wasn't that long ago, really, 162 00:10:03,981 --> 00:10:05,981 there was an angler every dozen yards, 163 00:10:06,061 --> 00:10:07,541 children played here, 164 00:10:07,661 --> 00:10:09,461 courting couples came here to hold hands 165 00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:12,261 and to get all lovey-dovey in the Sussex sunset. 166 00:10:12,341 --> 00:10:15,661 He did that with Maud before they were married. 167 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,421 They came here to spoon 168 00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:20,661 and, on one memorable occasion, fork. 169 00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:24,101 Party by the name of Chalky, sir? 170 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,101 Look at that river. 171 00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:30,501 [Lesley] Yes, sir. It's the pollution. 172 00:10:30,541 --> 00:10:32,301 Progress, you could call it. 173 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:37,661 It's just so... damn beautiful. 174 00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:39,541 [Lesley] It's a funny old world, though, isn't it? And no mistake. 175 00:10:39,621 --> 00:10:42,901 I mean, you go all over the world delivering, 176 00:10:43,021 --> 00:10:45,141 and then you wind up practically in your own backyard, 177 00:10:45,221 --> 00:10:46,381 so to speak. 178 00:10:46,461 --> 00:10:47,621 I've been to Africa, 179 00:10:47,661 --> 00:10:48,901 and Des Moines. 180 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,301 That's in America, sir. 181 00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:51,781 And now here I am. 182 00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:53,181 And here's your parcel, sir. 183 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,461 You have to sign for it. 184 00:10:54,541 --> 00:10:56,021 There you go. 185 00:10:56,101 --> 00:10:59,101 Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning. 186 00:10:59,181 --> 00:11:00,301 Or is it sailor's warning? 187 00:11:00,381 --> 00:11:02,581 Everybody's warning. 188 00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:04,701 [God] The third of the Four Horsemen 189 00:11:04,781 --> 00:11:07,221 took over when Pestilence retired. 190 00:11:07,301 --> 00:11:08,621 Erm... 191 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:11,141 [God] They've had lots of interesting jobs 192 00:11:11,221 --> 00:11:13,061 in lots of interesting places. 193 00:11:13,141 --> 00:11:15,181 Helped design the petrol engine, 194 00:11:15,261 --> 00:11:17,541 plastics and high-tech weed killers. 195 00:11:17,621 --> 00:11:21,181 They've killed as many people as Famine or as War. 196 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:23,181 This is Pollution. 197 00:11:45,981 --> 00:11:47,181 [sighs] 198 00:12:36,741 --> 00:12:38,381 [birds tweeting] 199 00:12:42,181 --> 00:12:44,221 [lorry horn blares] 200 00:12:44,301 --> 00:12:45,901 [gasps] 201 00:12:45,981 --> 00:12:47,701 That one nearly had me. 202 00:12:47,781 --> 00:12:49,181 [sighs] 203 00:12:51,181 --> 00:12:52,461 Oh. 204 00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:55,621 [Death] I'm afraid so. 205 00:12:59,181 --> 00:13:01,781 [Int'l Express Man] I've got a message for you, sir. 206 00:13:01,861 --> 00:13:03,821 It's not a package. 207 00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:05,381 It's a message. 208 00:13:05,461 --> 00:13:07,141 [Death] Deliver it, then. 209 00:13:08,181 --> 00:13:09,581 It's just this. 210 00:13:11,421 --> 00:13:12,701 "Come and see." 211 00:13:12,781 --> 00:13:14,861 Finally! 212 00:13:14,941 --> 00:13:16,221 What does it mean, sir? 213 00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:18,621 It's a call to action. 214 00:13:18,701 --> 00:13:20,621 War and Famine. 215 00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,861 Pollution and Death. 216 00:13:22,941 --> 00:13:25,501 Today, we ride. 217 00:13:25,581 --> 00:13:28,101 Now, don't think of it as dying. 218 00:13:28,181 --> 00:13:31,141 Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush. 219 00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:44,781 Have you got any more of the New Aquarians? 220 00:13:44,861 --> 00:13:47,141 'Cause we need to know everything. 221 00:13:47,221 --> 00:13:49,701 You read the ones I gave you already? 222 00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:52,101 Yeah, sure. Hold on. 223 00:13:54,061 --> 00:13:56,421 Do you kids want some candy? 224 00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:57,781 It's chocolate. 225 00:14:00,741 --> 00:14:03,141 -We don't take sweets from-- -Witches. 226 00:14:04,221 --> 00:14:06,861 I do. 227 00:14:06,941 --> 00:14:09,141 [man on radio] And he's back on the line to James Knockey. 228 00:14:09,221 --> 00:14:11,421 [second man on radio] So, could what happened 229 00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:13,221 at Turning Point Nuclear Power Station 230 00:14:13,301 --> 00:14:14,421 be terrorist activity? 231 00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,021 [third man on radio] Could be! 232 00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:18,581 All we need to do is find some terrorists capable of removing 233 00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:20,581 an entire nuclear reactor 234 00:14:20,661 --> 00:14:23,541 while it's still running without anyone noticing. 235 00:14:23,621 --> 00:14:26,501 [second man] How can it still be producing electricity 236 00:14:26,581 --> 00:14:27,821 if it hasn't got any reactors? 237 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,141 [third man] We don't know that. 238 00:14:29,221 --> 00:14:31,661 We were hoping you clever buggers at the BBC 239 00:14:31,741 --> 00:14:33,301 would have an idea. 240 00:14:35,301 --> 00:14:36,701 Attention! 241 00:14:37,861 --> 00:14:39,021 This is our country. 242 00:14:39,101 --> 00:14:40,781 It's under our protection. 243 00:14:40,861 --> 00:14:41,861 Wish I was going with you. 244 00:14:41,941 --> 00:14:43,061 [chuckles] 245 00:14:43,141 --> 00:14:44,501 I'm too old now. 246 00:14:44,581 --> 00:14:45,901 No more lying in the bracken, 247 00:14:45,981 --> 00:14:47,781 spying on their evil ways. 248 00:14:47,861 --> 00:14:51,021 It's all up to you now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 249 00:14:51,101 --> 00:14:54,301 Find this Adam Young and keep an eye on him. 250 00:14:54,381 --> 00:14:56,341 Shouldn't there be a few more of us 251 00:14:56,421 --> 00:14:58,781 if we're protecting the entire country from witches? 252 00:14:58,861 --> 00:15:01,981 Nobody said it would be easy, Private Pulsifer. 253 00:15:02,061 --> 00:15:03,661 Here. Put this on. 254 00:15:09,061 --> 00:15:10,661 [chuckles] 255 00:15:12,181 --> 00:15:14,701 Pendulum of Discovery. 256 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,021 Pendulum of Discovery. 257 00:15:17,101 --> 00:15:18,541 Thumbscrews. 258 00:15:18,621 --> 00:15:20,341 -Oh, I-- I don't think I'll-- -Thumbscrew! 259 00:15:20,421 --> 00:15:21,701 Thumbscrew. 260 00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:23,381 Firelighters. 261 00:15:23,461 --> 00:15:25,021 I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone. 262 00:15:25,101 --> 00:15:26,941 -Firelighters! -Firelighters. 263 00:15:27,021 --> 00:15:28,541 -Bell. -Bell. 264 00:15:28,621 --> 00:15:30,501 -Book. -Book. 265 00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:32,501 And candle. 266 00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:34,421 Bell. Book. Candle. 267 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:35,661 What are they for? 268 00:15:35,741 --> 00:15:38,061 You might have to exorcise a demon. 269 00:15:38,141 --> 00:15:39,821 How do I do that? 270 00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,821 Ring the bell. 271 00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:43,061 Light the candle. 272 00:15:43,141 --> 00:15:44,421 Read the book? 273 00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,341 There'll be no time for light reading 274 00:15:46,421 --> 00:15:48,621 when you're under demonic attack, laddie. 275 00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,181 And finally... 276 00:15:52,181 --> 00:15:53,341 pin. 277 00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:56,021 Pin? 278 00:15:56,101 --> 00:15:59,621 Aye. It's the bayonet in your army of light. 279 00:16:01,741 --> 00:16:03,021 Right. 280 00:16:03,101 --> 00:16:05,021 Well, off to Tadfield, then. 281 00:16:05,101 --> 00:16:07,621 Off you go, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 282 00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:10,901 And may the armies of glory march beside you. 283 00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:15,901 [Shadwell chuckles] 284 00:16:23,461 --> 00:16:25,261 [God] The world was changing. 285 00:16:25,341 --> 00:16:26,781 What Adam believed was true 286 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:29,821 was beginning to happen in reality. 287 00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,221 [man speaking Tibetan] 288 00:16:36,381 --> 00:16:41,741 [speaking Tibetan] 289 00:16:45,661 --> 00:16:48,421 [eerie humming] 290 00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:50,821 [UFO whirring] 291 00:16:58,581 --> 00:17:00,661 [engine sputters off] 292 00:17:13,181 --> 00:17:15,541 Morning, sir, madam or neuter. 293 00:17:15,581 --> 00:17:17,101 This your planet, is it? 294 00:17:17,181 --> 00:17:19,061 Yes, I suppose so. 295 00:17:19,101 --> 00:17:22,341 -Had it long, have we? -[Pulsifer] Not personally. 296 00:17:22,461 --> 00:17:25,061 As a species, about half a million years, I think. 297 00:17:25,101 --> 00:17:28,261 Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we, sir? 298 00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:31,981 Been letting ourselves go with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps? 299 00:17:32,061 --> 00:17:33,301 Sorry? 300 00:17:33,341 --> 00:17:34,741 Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, 301 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,461 but your polar ice caps are significantly below 302 00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:39,221 regulation size for a planet of this category, sir. 303 00:17:39,301 --> 00:17:41,661 We'll overlook it on this occasion. 304 00:17:41,741 --> 00:17:45,101 The fact is, sir, we've been asked to bring you a message. 305 00:17:45,221 --> 00:17:46,781 Oh? Me? 306 00:17:46,821 --> 00:17:49,821 Message runs, "We bring you a message of universal peace, 307 00:17:49,941 --> 00:17:51,821 cosmic harmony, and suchlike." 308 00:17:51,941 --> 00:17:53,261 Message ends. 309 00:17:53,341 --> 00:17:56,101 Oh, that's very kind. 310 00:17:56,221 --> 00:17:59,221 Have you any idea why we've been asked to bring you this message, sir? 311 00:17:59,301 --> 00:18:03,341 I suppose what with man's harnessing of the atom and, er-- 312 00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:05,541 Neither have we, sir. 313 00:18:05,581 --> 00:18:06,901 Neither have we. 314 00:18:08,101 --> 00:18:09,341 You what? 315 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:12,101 [Pulsifer] I just got pulled over by aliens. 316 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:13,221 Did you count their nipples? 317 00:18:14,581 --> 00:18:15,821 -I didn't think-- -You're a witchfinder, 318 00:18:15,941 --> 00:18:17,341 not an alien finder. 319 00:18:17,421 --> 00:18:18,341 [sighs] 320 00:18:18,421 --> 00:18:20,021 But I'll make a note of it. 321 00:18:21,821 --> 00:18:25,101 I don't know if this is in your New Aquarian magazines, 322 00:18:25,181 --> 00:18:28,461 but I was thinking we ought to save the whales. 323 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,221 -Whales can sing, actually. -[Dog barks] 324 00:18:30,301 --> 00:18:32,541 And they have very big brains. 325 00:18:32,581 --> 00:18:34,741 And there's hardly any of them left. 326 00:18:34,821 --> 00:18:36,261 If they're so clever, 327 00:18:36,341 --> 00:18:38,581 what are they doing in the sea all day? 328 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:42,301 Just swimming and eating things 329 00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:45,021 and singing and-- Oh, my God, I want to be a whale. 330 00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:46,261 Right. 331 00:18:46,341 --> 00:18:47,701 We'll save the whales, then. 332 00:18:47,781 --> 00:18:49,781 All of them. 333 00:18:49,821 --> 00:18:51,901 [God] This is not a whaling ship. 334 00:18:51,981 --> 00:18:54,781 This is a scientific research ship. 335 00:18:54,821 --> 00:18:57,541 Currently what it is researching is the question, 336 00:18:57,581 --> 00:19:00,021 How many whales can it catch in a week? 337 00:19:00,101 --> 00:19:02,461 They see no whales on the radar, no tuna, 338 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:04,181 nothing bigger than an anchovy. 339 00:19:04,261 --> 00:19:06,821 And now, the sea bottom appears to be dropping. 340 00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:10,581 [speaking Japanese] 341 00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:19,661 [God] Beneath the thunders of the upper deep, 342 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,781 far, far beneath in the abyssal sea, 343 00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:23,341 the Kraken sleepeth. 344 00:19:24,341 --> 00:19:26,541 And now it's waking up. 345 00:19:26,581 --> 00:19:28,341 [alarm blares] 346 00:19:28,461 --> 00:19:30,901 [woman on TV] Scientists have pronounced themselves baffled 347 00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:33,101 by the appearance of the enormous sea creature, 348 00:19:33,181 --> 00:19:36,421 which the Internet has begun to refer to as "the Kraken", 349 00:19:36,501 --> 00:19:38,821 -after the sea beast of legend. -What? 350 00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:41,061 It appears to be targeting whaling ships, 351 00:19:41,101 --> 00:19:44,661 according to a spokesman for the Japanese government. 352 00:19:44,741 --> 00:19:48,221 [God] And a million sushi dinners cry out for vengeance. 353 00:19:48,301 --> 00:19:49,981 [man sobbing incoherently] 354 00:20:00,661 --> 00:20:05,101 I've been thinking... about Crowley. 355 00:20:05,221 --> 00:20:07,581 -Something's not right. -Oh, look at this. 356 00:20:07,661 --> 00:20:09,661 I meant to be getting ready to go to Megiddo to meet the boy. 357 00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,821 I should be leaving now. 358 00:20:11,941 --> 00:20:13,461 Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket, 359 00:20:13,541 --> 00:20:16,581 waiting for maintenance to come fix another bloody pipe. 360 00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:19,221 So, Crowley. What's Mr Slick done now? 361 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:20,821 I'm not sure. 362 00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:22,661 But I know it's nothing good. 363 00:20:22,741 --> 00:20:25,541 Oh. Well, that's alright, then. He's not meant to do good. 364 00:20:25,581 --> 00:20:27,261 Figure of speech. 365 00:20:27,341 --> 00:20:28,501 Nothing bad, then. 366 00:20:28,581 --> 00:20:30,941 Nothing bad? 367 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,821 So... 368 00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,821 he's not in trouble? 369 00:20:34,941 --> 00:20:36,261 He's definitely in trouble. 370 00:20:36,341 --> 00:20:38,341 -Or he will be. -We going in? 371 00:20:38,421 --> 00:20:39,901 Not yet. We need proof. 372 00:20:39,981 --> 00:20:42,901 But once we've got it, he's toast. 373 00:20:44,101 --> 00:20:45,341 And that's gonna hurt. 374 00:20:46,581 --> 00:20:48,061 What, being toasted? 375 00:20:48,101 --> 00:20:49,181 Oh, yeah. 376 00:20:49,261 --> 00:20:52,221 Right. Toast. 377 00:20:52,301 --> 00:20:54,501 Back to Armageddon, then. 378 00:20:57,221 --> 00:20:58,341 Look at that. 379 00:21:10,501 --> 00:21:12,181 [alert beeps] 380 00:21:35,781 --> 00:21:37,941 [tyres screech] 381 00:21:38,021 --> 00:21:39,181 [Dog barking] 382 00:21:39,261 --> 00:21:40,701 [crows cawing] 383 00:21:43,501 --> 00:21:46,421 [Agnes] "When robins blue chariot inverted be, 384 00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:48,581 three wheels in the sky, 385 00:21:48,701 --> 00:21:51,301 a man with bruises be upon your bed, 386 00:21:51,341 --> 00:21:54,501 aching his head for willow fine." 387 00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:56,541 [panting] 388 00:21:56,621 --> 00:21:57,621 [groans] 389 00:22:01,661 --> 00:22:03,461 He's hurt. Come on, we should do something. 390 00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:06,021 [Brian] We should get him away from the car. It might blow up. 391 00:22:06,101 --> 00:22:07,101 They do that on telly. 392 00:22:08,141 --> 00:22:09,901 Dick Turpin won't blow up. 393 00:22:09,981 --> 00:22:12,821 You're probably wondering why it's called Dick Turpin. 394 00:22:12,901 --> 00:22:13,861 Well... 395 00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,621 [sighs] 396 00:22:25,661 --> 00:22:26,981 [bird squawks] 397 00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:33,221 [demon] The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain to us, 398 00:22:33,301 --> 00:22:34,781 and then our forces... 399 00:22:34,861 --> 00:22:36,981 I thought "the Forces of Darkness" was a bit long, 400 00:22:37,061 --> 00:22:39,821 so I'm calling us "Darkforce One." 401 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:42,021 We rise up, pushing through the earth, 402 00:22:42,101 --> 00:22:44,221 while our opposition descend from above. 403 00:22:44,301 --> 00:22:46,061 This is Armageddon. 404 00:22:46,141 --> 00:22:47,581 This is where the world will end. 405 00:22:47,661 --> 00:22:49,301 [demon] Well, that's the Greek name for it. 406 00:22:49,381 --> 00:22:52,341 Technically, the fields of Megiddo. 407 00:22:52,421 --> 00:22:55,021 Yeah. Archaeological excavations over there, 408 00:22:55,101 --> 00:22:56,581 avocado fields that way. 409 00:22:57,901 --> 00:22:59,661 They grow avocados here? 410 00:22:59,741 --> 00:23:02,061 Yes. We have a joke. 411 00:23:02,141 --> 00:23:03,181 We say... 412 00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:06,901 "It's going to be one big avocado." 413 00:23:06,981 --> 00:23:07,981 [laughs] 414 00:23:12,821 --> 00:23:15,621 I, er... I don't like jokes. 415 00:23:15,701 --> 00:23:18,021 I don't do jokes. 416 00:23:18,101 --> 00:23:19,861 And when people do jokes in my presence, 417 00:23:19,941 --> 00:23:23,381 they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues. 418 00:23:23,461 --> 00:23:25,181 No, I tell a lie. 419 00:23:25,261 --> 00:23:28,061 It's mostly me that swallows their tongues. 420 00:23:29,781 --> 00:23:31,141 [roaring flame] 421 00:23:35,981 --> 00:23:40,661 So, what time do the boy and the Hell Hound get here? 422 00:23:40,741 --> 00:23:42,701 About 20 minutes. 423 00:23:42,781 --> 00:23:45,101 The ambassador's here for a photo op with the ruins of the temple. 424 00:23:45,181 --> 00:23:47,341 And when they arrive, 425 00:23:47,421 --> 00:23:49,141 our master's son will come into his own. 426 00:23:49,221 --> 00:23:50,741 A photo op? 427 00:23:50,821 --> 00:23:52,501 What's-- what's-- what's a photo op? 428 00:23:52,581 --> 00:23:54,501 Is it-- Is it another joke? 429 00:23:54,581 --> 00:23:56,661 No, Your Disgrace. It's... 430 00:23:58,141 --> 00:23:59,581 Well, you know what a selfie is? 431 00:24:03,501 --> 00:24:05,861 I believe the demon Crowley invented them. 432 00:24:08,141 --> 00:24:09,341 -[sizzling] -[demon screams] 433 00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:26,741 When all is ready, the boy and the dog 434 00:24:26,821 --> 00:24:30,661 and the Four Horsemen will converge here. 435 00:24:31,861 --> 00:24:33,221 And the boy will give the word. 436 00:24:33,301 --> 00:24:35,661 And Armageddon will begin. 437 00:24:38,461 --> 00:24:42,501 One... one big avocado. 438 00:24:42,581 --> 00:24:44,501 [chuckles] 439 00:24:44,581 --> 00:24:46,221 [laughs] 440 00:24:57,781 --> 00:25:00,661 -[Dog barking] -[Adam] Anathema, we found a man! 441 00:25:03,901 --> 00:25:06,901 -He was in a car accident. -I know. Come in. 442 00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:10,341 Let's get him upstairs. 443 00:25:11,421 --> 00:25:12,901 [snoring] 444 00:25:24,661 --> 00:25:26,941 It's almost like you were expecting him. 445 00:25:27,021 --> 00:25:28,301 [Anathema] I was. 446 00:25:28,381 --> 00:25:30,861 I was hoping he wouldn't come. 447 00:25:30,941 --> 00:25:34,221 If he didn't turn up, maybe none of it was real. 448 00:25:34,301 --> 00:25:37,701 But if he's here... then the Beast is real. 449 00:25:37,781 --> 00:25:41,661 -[Pepper] You mean Dog. -[Anathema] No. It's nothing. 450 00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:44,261 Nothing you kids need to worry about, anyway. 451 00:25:44,341 --> 00:25:46,501 Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches? 452 00:25:46,581 --> 00:25:49,181 [Wensleydale] I have a very nutritious lunch waiting at home. 453 00:25:49,261 --> 00:25:51,621 My mother likes me to come home with an appetite. 454 00:25:51,701 --> 00:25:55,061 [voices whispering] Make it happen. Make it real. 455 00:25:55,141 --> 00:25:58,861 Make it happen. Make it real. 456 00:25:58,941 --> 00:26:00,421 Make it happen. 457 00:26:00,501 --> 00:26:02,261 Bye, Anathema. 458 00:26:03,741 --> 00:26:06,181 -You coming, Adam? -I didn't say you could go. 459 00:26:09,701 --> 00:26:11,501 See you after lunch. 460 00:26:14,221 --> 00:26:17,021 -[Brian] Adam's different. -[Pepper] Don't be wet. 461 00:26:17,101 --> 00:26:18,861 [Wensleydale] Actually, that's why we like him. 462 00:26:18,941 --> 00:26:20,101 He's not boring. 463 00:26:20,181 --> 00:26:21,501 [Brian] Oh, you know what I mean. 464 00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:23,901 -You must do. -[Pepper] He's Adam. 465 00:26:23,981 --> 00:26:26,741 He comes up with all the best games and all the best ideas. 466 00:26:26,821 --> 00:26:29,581 [Brian] Yeah, but something's changed. 467 00:26:29,661 --> 00:26:32,021 He's not the same anymore. 468 00:26:32,101 --> 00:26:33,381 Can I say something stupid 469 00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:35,381 without you thinking it's stupid? 470 00:26:35,461 --> 00:26:39,141 I was scared he wouldn't let us go just then. 471 00:26:39,221 --> 00:26:40,581 [Pepper] That's stupid. 472 00:26:40,661 --> 00:26:42,701 [Wensleydale] Actually, I felt that too. 473 00:27:32,541 --> 00:27:34,301 Honey, I'm still not clear on what we're doing here. 474 00:27:34,381 --> 00:27:36,421 This is life as a diplomat. 475 00:27:36,501 --> 00:27:37,821 One moment you're in London, 476 00:27:37,901 --> 00:27:40,141 the next we're familially interfacing 477 00:27:40,221 --> 00:27:42,381 with Israeli archaeological sites 478 00:27:42,461 --> 00:27:44,301 on a historical fact-finding vacation. 479 00:27:44,381 --> 00:27:45,701 But it doesn't make any sense. 480 00:27:45,781 --> 00:27:47,901 You don't argue with the State Department, hon. 481 00:27:47,981 --> 00:27:50,621 Is this because I said the President's wife looked like a floozy? 482 00:27:50,701 --> 00:27:51,901 Because I never said that. 483 00:27:51,981 --> 00:27:53,461 [guide clears throat] 484 00:27:53,541 --> 00:27:55,261 And this is our local guide 485 00:27:55,341 --> 00:27:57,541 to the archaeological site of Megiddo. 486 00:27:58,941 --> 00:28:00,141 Mister... 487 00:28:00,221 --> 00:28:01,381 I'm Hastur... 488 00:28:01,461 --> 00:28:02,621 La Vista. 489 00:28:02,701 --> 00:28:04,261 I'm an archaeologist. 490 00:28:04,341 --> 00:28:06,301 Which one of you is the ambassador? 491 00:28:06,381 --> 00:28:08,261 Thaddeus Dowling, at your service. 492 00:28:08,341 --> 00:28:11,061 -My wife, Harriet. -An honour. 493 00:28:11,141 --> 00:28:12,621 Oh. 494 00:28:14,101 --> 00:28:15,701 You must be Warlock. 495 00:28:17,181 --> 00:28:18,261 You smell like poo. 496 00:28:18,341 --> 00:28:19,621 [laughs] 497 00:28:19,701 --> 00:28:21,021 Funny boy. 498 00:28:21,101 --> 00:28:22,741 Always love a good joke, me. 499 00:28:22,821 --> 00:28:25,381 I've heard a lot about you. 500 00:28:27,021 --> 00:28:28,941 -Where's the dog? -[Thaddeus] So, Professor La Vista, 501 00:28:29,021 --> 00:28:31,101 I understood from our briefing that Tel Megiddo 502 00:28:31,181 --> 00:28:34,421 was part of Tiglath-Pileser's administrative centre. 503 00:28:34,501 --> 00:28:35,981 The Assyrian kings fascinate me-- 504 00:28:36,061 --> 00:28:37,461 Will you shut up! 505 00:28:37,541 --> 00:28:38,781 Where's the dog? 506 00:28:38,861 --> 00:28:40,341 Why doesn't the boy have a dog? 507 00:28:40,421 --> 00:28:41,781 Hmm? 508 00:28:43,021 --> 00:28:44,261 Do you hear voices? 509 00:28:44,341 --> 00:28:45,541 What are they saying? 510 00:28:45,621 --> 00:28:47,101 What are they telling you? 511 00:28:47,181 --> 00:28:48,901 -The voices... -Yes. 512 00:28:48,981 --> 00:28:52,101 ...in my head all say... 513 00:28:52,181 --> 00:28:53,941 What?! 514 00:28:54,021 --> 00:28:55,461 ...you smell like poo. 515 00:28:57,181 --> 00:28:58,621 [groans] 516 00:28:58,701 --> 00:29:02,701 Crowley! 517 00:29:04,261 --> 00:29:05,821 [Hastur moans] 518 00:29:05,901 --> 00:29:07,621 [cartoonish music playing onscreen] 519 00:29:10,501 --> 00:29:14,141 [characters hum playfully] 520 00:29:14,221 --> 00:29:16,781 [Hastur's voice] What the heaven is going on, Crowley? 521 00:29:16,861 --> 00:29:18,261 What have you done? 522 00:29:18,341 --> 00:29:20,701 Hastur. Hey. Not following you. How do you mean? 523 00:29:20,781 --> 00:29:22,901 [Hastur's voice] The boy... The boy called Warlock. 524 00:29:22,981 --> 00:29:25,101 We took him to the fields of Megiddo. 525 00:29:25,181 --> 00:29:26,661 The dog is not with him. 526 00:29:26,741 --> 00:29:28,381 The child knows nothing of the Great War. 527 00:29:28,461 --> 00:29:30,301 He is not our master's son. 528 00:29:30,381 --> 00:29:31,821 He said that I... 529 00:29:32,981 --> 00:29:35,781 that I smelled of poo. 530 00:29:35,861 --> 00:29:37,901 -Well, you can see his point. -You're dead meat, Crowley. 531 00:29:37,981 --> 00:29:39,221 You're bloody history. 532 00:29:39,301 --> 00:29:40,781 [groans] 533 00:29:40,861 --> 00:29:43,581 You stay where you are. We're coming to collect you. 534 00:29:46,341 --> 00:29:48,061 [door opens, then closes] 535 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:53,261 [Anathema] You are Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer. 536 00:29:53,341 --> 00:29:55,541 Apparently, all magistrates are enjoined to give you 537 00:29:55,621 --> 00:29:57,261 as much dry kindling as you need 538 00:29:57,341 --> 00:29:58,541 to burn any witches, 539 00:29:58,621 --> 00:30:00,861 hags or beldam you discover. 540 00:30:00,941 --> 00:30:03,981 Er... I'm not actually a real witchfinder. 541 00:30:04,061 --> 00:30:06,221 There aren't really any witches. 542 00:30:06,301 --> 00:30:09,261 I'm actually a... computer engineer. 543 00:30:11,021 --> 00:30:14,301 I just needed something to get me out of the house. 544 00:30:14,381 --> 00:30:15,781 Hmm. 545 00:30:18,101 --> 00:30:19,501 I'm Anathema Device. 546 00:30:19,581 --> 00:30:21,181 I really am a witch. 547 00:30:23,141 --> 00:30:24,981 You should read that. It's about you. 548 00:30:25,061 --> 00:30:26,541 It will save time. 549 00:30:26,621 --> 00:30:28,021 I... 550 00:30:29,781 --> 00:30:32,461 "When robins blue chariot inverted be, 551 00:30:32,541 --> 00:30:34,101 three wheels in the sky, 552 00:30:34,181 --> 00:30:36,341 a man with bruises be upon your bed, 553 00:30:36,421 --> 00:30:39,741 aching his head for willow fine." 554 00:30:39,821 --> 00:30:43,781 That's you, the car crash and the aspirin. 555 00:30:43,861 --> 00:30:45,501 Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter? 556 00:30:45,581 --> 00:30:47,061 I'm afraid not. 557 00:30:47,141 --> 00:30:48,861 [Anathema] A witch from 300 years ago. 558 00:30:48,941 --> 00:30:50,581 I'm her descendant. 559 00:30:50,661 --> 00:30:52,501 One of your ancestors burned her at the stake. 560 00:30:52,581 --> 00:30:54,861 -Adultery Pulsifer. -Or tried to. 561 00:30:54,941 --> 00:30:56,261 Ancestors? 562 00:30:56,341 --> 00:30:58,781 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer. 563 00:30:58,861 --> 00:31:00,341 Hmm. 564 00:31:00,421 --> 00:31:02,741 Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine, 565 00:31:02,821 --> 00:31:04,261 so I... 566 00:31:04,341 --> 00:31:05,541 I took your matches. 567 00:31:07,101 --> 00:31:09,261 I'm not going to burn anyone. 568 00:31:09,341 --> 00:31:12,821 I know. Agnes would have told us if you were. 569 00:31:12,901 --> 00:31:16,741 She wrote all these prophecies in a book published in 1655. 570 00:31:16,821 --> 00:31:17,981 Did she know I was going to crash my car? 571 00:31:18,061 --> 00:31:19,341 Yes. 572 00:31:19,421 --> 00:31:20,621 No. 573 00:31:21,701 --> 00:31:23,901 [stammers] Yes. 574 00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:25,861 My family has been trying to figure out 575 00:31:25,941 --> 00:31:30,261 Agnes's Nice and Accurate Prophecies for 400 years now. 576 00:31:30,341 --> 00:31:32,861 You could say we're professional descendants. 577 00:31:32,941 --> 00:31:34,261 How many prophecies are there? 578 00:31:34,341 --> 00:31:35,461 Thousands. 579 00:31:35,541 --> 00:31:37,861 It averages to about a prophecy a month. 580 00:31:37,941 --> 00:31:40,261 Oh, more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world. 581 00:31:40,341 --> 00:31:41,941 When is that supposed to be? 582 00:31:42,021 --> 00:31:45,021 Er... in around four hours and 15 minutes. 583 00:31:45,101 --> 00:31:47,581 Oh, come on. The world isn't really going to end today. 584 00:31:47,661 --> 00:31:49,581 The end of the world starts here in Tadfield, 585 00:31:49,661 --> 00:31:51,861 this afternoon, according to Agnes. 586 00:31:51,941 --> 00:31:53,901 -I just can't find it. -"It"? 587 00:31:55,221 --> 00:31:57,061 The Antichrist. The Great Beast. 588 00:31:57,141 --> 00:32:00,261 I've been searching for it, but it's impossible to find. 589 00:32:00,341 --> 00:32:03,021 "Where the Hogge's Back ends, the young beast will take the world, 590 00:32:03,101 --> 00:32:06,821 and Adam's line will end in fire and darkness." 591 00:32:06,901 --> 00:32:08,101 Hogge's back. 592 00:32:08,181 --> 00:32:09,541 Adam Young. 593 00:32:09,621 --> 00:32:11,861 [Aziraphale] And his address is number four, 594 00:32:11,941 --> 00:32:14,421 Hogback Lane, Tadfield. 595 00:32:14,501 --> 00:32:16,661 -What did you say? -Adam Young. 596 00:32:16,741 --> 00:32:19,061 He lives at 4 Hogback Lane. 597 00:32:19,141 --> 00:32:20,741 I was told to keep an eye on him. 598 00:32:20,821 --> 00:32:22,181 How did you...? 599 00:32:23,781 --> 00:32:25,621 Oh, I didn't-- Shit. 600 00:32:25,701 --> 00:32:28,821 Adam, that's... that's crazy. 601 00:32:28,901 --> 00:32:30,821 He's such a sweet kid. Him and his friends 602 00:32:30,901 --> 00:32:32,421 were the ones that brought you in here, 603 00:32:32,501 --> 00:32:35,381 I mean, he's the sweetest kid in the village. 604 00:32:35,461 --> 00:32:38,181 I mean, he can't be the Great Beast at the end of the world. 605 00:32:39,381 --> 00:32:41,221 Come on. 606 00:32:41,301 --> 00:32:43,581 [Pepper] We don't want to go with you. 607 00:32:45,061 --> 00:32:46,461 [Wensleydale] Actually...I really don't. 608 00:32:46,541 --> 00:32:47,821 [Brian] I don't like this. 609 00:32:47,901 --> 00:32:49,741 There's no point in going home. 610 00:32:49,821 --> 00:32:52,821 It doesn't matter. That's all done now. 611 00:32:52,901 --> 00:32:54,581 But we don't actually want to go with you. 612 00:32:54,661 --> 00:32:56,261 You do. 613 00:32:58,981 --> 00:33:00,941 You know why you're all coming with me, Wensley? 614 00:33:01,021 --> 00:33:02,621 Because there's nowhere else to go. 615 00:33:02,701 --> 00:33:03,901 What's the point? 616 00:33:03,981 --> 00:33:05,741 What's going to be left when we grow up? 617 00:33:05,821 --> 00:33:08,461 Everywhere you look, there's all this environment going on. 618 00:33:08,541 --> 00:33:10,341 Everything's being killed or used up, 619 00:33:10,421 --> 00:33:12,141 and no one takes it seriously. 620 00:33:12,221 --> 00:33:15,341 Everyone thinks that somehow it'll all just get better again. 621 00:33:15,421 --> 00:33:16,781 Where's the sense in that? 622 00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:18,581 Adam, this is all wrong. I'm not going with you. 623 00:33:18,661 --> 00:33:20,261 -But you are. -It isn't actually funny. 624 00:33:20,341 --> 00:33:21,781 [Pepper] Wensley's right. 625 00:33:21,861 --> 00:33:25,061 It's a stupid game. And you're being weird. 626 00:33:25,141 --> 00:33:27,421 It's our job to make it start again. 627 00:33:27,501 --> 00:33:29,621 -Right, Dog? -[whines] 628 00:33:29,701 --> 00:33:31,701 [tyres squeal] 629 00:33:37,421 --> 00:33:38,941 [Crowley] Angel! I'm sorry. 630 00:33:39,021 --> 00:33:41,101 I apologise. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. 631 00:33:41,181 --> 00:33:43,381 Work with me, I'm apologising here. Yes? Good. 632 00:33:43,461 --> 00:33:45,061 -Get in the car. -What? No. 633 00:33:45,141 --> 00:33:47,261 The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault. 634 00:33:47,341 --> 00:33:49,901 But we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. 635 00:33:49,981 --> 00:33:52,061 Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us. 636 00:33:52,141 --> 00:33:53,701 Crowley, you're being ridiculous. 637 00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:56,341 Look, I-I-I'm quite sure if I can just-- 638 00:33:56,421 --> 00:33:59,061 just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out. 639 00:33:59,141 --> 00:34:01,301 There aren't any right people. There's just God, 640 00:34:01,381 --> 00:34:04,981 moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us. 641 00:34:05,061 --> 00:34:07,581 Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, 642 00:34:07,661 --> 00:34:09,221 and then the Almighty will fix it. 643 00:34:09,301 --> 00:34:11,141 That won't happen. 644 00:34:11,221 --> 00:34:12,621 You're so clever. 645 00:34:12,701 --> 00:34:14,901 How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? 646 00:34:17,341 --> 00:34:18,341 I forgive you. 647 00:34:20,181 --> 00:34:21,421 Oh... 648 00:34:21,501 --> 00:34:23,021 I'm going home, Angel. 649 00:34:23,101 --> 00:34:24,901 I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. 650 00:34:24,981 --> 00:34:28,781 And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you. 651 00:34:28,861 --> 00:34:30,021 [car door closes] 652 00:34:30,101 --> 00:34:31,941 [engine revs] 653 00:34:35,581 --> 00:34:37,021 I've been there. 654 00:34:37,101 --> 00:34:38,181 You're better off without him. 655 00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,821 -[doorbell buzzes] -[Hastur] Crowley! 656 00:35:12,781 --> 00:35:14,101 [thunder crashes] 657 00:35:17,461 --> 00:35:20,381 [Hastur] Crowley! 658 00:35:20,461 --> 00:35:23,181 We only want a little word with you. 659 00:35:25,821 --> 00:35:27,701 We know you're in there. 660 00:35:27,821 --> 00:35:30,181 Crowley! 661 00:35:38,661 --> 00:35:40,421 In here, people. 662 00:35:43,181 --> 00:35:46,661 [screams] 663 00:35:46,701 --> 00:35:48,141 [gasping] 664 00:35:49,661 --> 00:35:51,621 [Hastur shrieking] 665 00:35:58,581 --> 00:36:01,301 -Hi. -[continues shrieking] 666 00:36:03,621 --> 00:36:06,421 That's-- that's-- that's holy water! 667 00:36:06,501 --> 00:36:10,021 I can't believe even a demon would-- would-- would-- 668 00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:11,941 Holy water! That's-- that's... 669 00:36:12,021 --> 00:36:13,461 But he hadn't done nothing to you! 670 00:36:13,541 --> 00:36:14,621 Yet. 671 00:36:17,461 --> 00:36:18,541 You... 672 00:36:18,621 --> 00:36:20,181 You don't frighten me. 673 00:36:21,341 --> 00:36:23,381 Do you know what this is? 674 00:36:23,461 --> 00:36:25,541 This is a plant mister, 675 00:36:25,621 --> 00:36:28,301 cheapest and most efficient on the market today. 676 00:36:28,381 --> 00:36:31,821 It can squirt a fine spray of water into the air. 677 00:36:33,621 --> 00:36:36,101 It's filled with holy water. 678 00:36:36,181 --> 00:36:38,981 It can turn you into that. 679 00:36:42,541 --> 00:36:44,981 You're bluffing. 680 00:36:45,061 --> 00:36:47,021 Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. 681 00:36:48,301 --> 00:36:50,181 Ask yourself: 682 00:36:50,301 --> 00:36:51,981 do you feel lucky? 683 00:36:58,661 --> 00:37:01,301 Yes. Do you? 684 00:37:02,701 --> 00:37:04,981 -Ow! -Time to go, Crowley. 685 00:37:05,061 --> 00:37:06,941 [phone rings] 686 00:37:09,941 --> 00:37:11,221 Hello? I know where the Anti-- 687 00:37:11,341 --> 00:37:12,661 [on answering machine] Hi, this is Anthony Crowley. 688 00:37:12,701 --> 00:37:14,661 You know what to do. Do it with style. 689 00:37:14,781 --> 00:37:16,141 Don't move! 690 00:37:16,181 --> 00:37:17,181 There's something very important you need to know 691 00:37:17,221 --> 00:37:18,661 before you disgrace yourself. 692 00:37:18,781 --> 00:37:20,301 [Aziraphale] I know where the Anti-- 693 00:37:20,381 --> 00:37:22,501 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 694 00:37:22,581 --> 00:37:24,141 But-- 695 00:37:24,181 --> 00:37:26,461 Well, you've definitely passed the test. 696 00:37:26,541 --> 00:37:29,341 You're ready to start playing with the big boys. 697 00:37:29,421 --> 00:37:31,941 What? You're mad. 698 00:37:32,021 --> 00:37:34,461 The Lords of Hell had to make sure you were trustworthy 699 00:37:34,541 --> 00:37:37,461 before we gave you command of the legions of the damned 700 00:37:37,541 --> 00:37:38,541 in the war ahead. 701 00:37:38,621 --> 00:37:41,021 And, Hastur, 702 00:37:41,101 --> 00:37:42,821 Duke of Hell, 703 00:37:42,901 --> 00:37:45,421 -you've come through with flying colours. -Me? 704 00:37:45,501 --> 00:37:47,781 Now, I-I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Duke Hastur. 705 00:37:47,861 --> 00:37:51,141 But why don't we talk to the Dark Council? 706 00:37:51,181 --> 00:37:52,901 Let's see if they can convince you. 707 00:37:52,981 --> 00:37:54,861 You're calling the Dark Council? 708 00:37:54,941 --> 00:37:56,821 Yes, I am. 709 00:37:56,901 --> 00:38:00,861 And they say, "So long, sucker!" 710 00:38:00,941 --> 00:38:03,621 [hissing] 711 00:38:03,661 --> 00:38:07,181 -[line ringing] -[God] You're probably wondering where Crowley has gone. 712 00:38:07,301 --> 00:38:08,901 Demons aren't bound by physics. 713 00:38:08,981 --> 00:38:11,861 Over the years, a huge number of theological man-hours 714 00:38:11,941 --> 00:38:14,101 have been spent debating the question: 715 00:38:14,181 --> 00:38:16,501 "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" 716 00:38:16,581 --> 00:38:19,301 To answer it, we need information. 717 00:38:19,381 --> 00:38:21,581 Firstly, angels don't dance. 718 00:38:21,661 --> 00:38:23,661 It's one of the distinguishing characteristics 719 00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:25,221 that marks an angel. 720 00:38:25,341 --> 00:38:26,621 So, none. 721 00:38:26,661 --> 00:38:28,541 At least, nearly none. 722 00:38:29,941 --> 00:38:32,181 Aziraphale had learned a dance called the "gavotte" 723 00:38:32,221 --> 00:38:33,701 in a discreet gentlemen's club 724 00:38:33,821 --> 00:38:36,501 in Portland Place in the late 1880s. 725 00:38:36,581 --> 00:38:38,781 After a while, he had become fairly good at it, 726 00:38:38,861 --> 00:38:41,501 and was quite put out when, some decades later, 727 00:38:41,581 --> 00:38:43,581 the gavotte went out of style for good. 728 00:38:43,661 --> 00:38:45,701 So providing the dance was a gavotte, 729 00:38:45,821 --> 00:38:49,341 the answer is a straightforward "one". 730 00:38:49,421 --> 00:38:53,021 Then again, you might just as well ask how many demons 731 00:38:53,101 --> 00:38:55,141 can dance on the head of a pin. 732 00:38:55,181 --> 00:38:57,861 They're of the same original stock, after all. 733 00:38:57,941 --> 00:39:00,061 And at least demons dance. 734 00:39:00,141 --> 00:39:02,501 Not what you'd call good dancing, though. 735 00:39:03,901 --> 00:39:05,581 For demons or for angels, 736 00:39:05,661 --> 00:39:07,341 size and shape are simply options. 737 00:39:07,421 --> 00:39:09,381 So, if you look from really close up, 738 00:39:09,461 --> 00:39:11,381 the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin 739 00:39:11,461 --> 00:39:14,621 is all those big gaps between electrons. 740 00:39:14,661 --> 00:39:16,901 -That's where Crowley has gone. -[shrieking] 741 00:39:16,981 --> 00:39:19,701 That's where Hastur is following. 742 00:39:19,821 --> 00:39:22,581 Right now, they are both travelling incredibly fast 743 00:39:22,661 --> 00:39:27,101 -through the telephone system. -Whoa-oh! 744 00:39:27,181 --> 00:39:30,421 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 745 00:39:30,501 --> 00:39:33,381 [shouting and laughing] 746 00:39:33,461 --> 00:39:34,821 [Hastur] Crowley! 747 00:39:34,901 --> 00:39:36,781 You can't escape me! 748 00:39:36,861 --> 00:39:40,661 Wherever you come out, I'll come out too! 749 00:39:40,781 --> 00:39:44,301 Three, two, one. 750 00:39:44,381 --> 00:39:46,861 You hear me? Crowley! 751 00:39:46,941 --> 00:39:48,381 -[phone ringing] -Hi, this is An-- 752 00:39:48,461 --> 00:39:50,181 [Hastur, on machine] Where are you, you little runt? 753 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:51,381 I heard your voice. 754 00:39:51,461 --> 00:39:53,181 You and your best friend Aziraphale, 755 00:39:53,221 --> 00:39:54,661 you're dead meat. 756 00:39:54,781 --> 00:39:57,501 [God] Hastur, Duke of Hell, is now trapped on a tape 757 00:39:57,581 --> 00:40:00,621 inside Crowley's antique telephone answering machine. 758 00:40:00,661 --> 00:40:02,861 [Hastur] Where am I? Don't leave me here. 759 00:40:02,941 --> 00:40:04,941 -[Aziraphale] I know where the Antichrist is. -Oh, no. 760 00:40:05,021 --> 00:40:06,981 -I know where the Antichrist-- -Oh, no, you wouldn't. 761 00:40:07,061 --> 00:40:08,661 You wouldn't dare, you... 762 00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:10,101 you snake! 763 00:40:11,181 --> 00:40:12,181 [laughs] 764 00:40:13,341 --> 00:40:15,341 [thunder crashes] 765 00:40:24,821 --> 00:40:26,701 [Michael] Hello, Aziraphale. 766 00:40:26,821 --> 00:40:28,221 Oh, Michael. 767 00:40:28,341 --> 00:40:29,661 Uriel. 768 00:40:29,701 --> 00:40:31,101 Sandalphon. 769 00:40:31,181 --> 00:40:32,661 Hello, erm... 770 00:40:32,781 --> 00:40:35,221 We've just been learning some rather disturbing 771 00:40:35,341 --> 00:40:36,901 things about you. 772 00:40:36,981 --> 00:40:39,141 You've been a bit of a fallen angel, haven't you? 773 00:40:39,181 --> 00:40:41,141 Consorting with the enemy? 774 00:40:41,181 --> 00:40:43,501 Oh, I-I-I haven't been consorting. 775 00:40:43,581 --> 00:40:45,381 Don't think your boyfriend in the dark glasses 776 00:40:45,461 --> 00:40:47,461 will get you special treatment in Hell. 777 00:40:47,541 --> 00:40:48,781 He's in trouble too. 778 00:40:48,861 --> 00:40:52,061 Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides. 779 00:40:54,101 --> 00:40:56,461 I've-I've actually been giving that a lot of thought. 780 00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:59,341 The, erm, the whole choosing sides thing. 781 00:40:59,421 --> 00:41:04,861 Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides. 782 00:41:04,941 --> 00:41:06,901 That's the whole point. So people can make choices. 783 00:41:06,981 --> 00:41:08,901 That's-- that's what being human means. 784 00:41:08,981 --> 00:41:10,181 Choices. 785 00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:12,821 But-- but that's-- that's for them. 786 00:41:12,901 --> 00:41:17,341 Our job as-as angels should be to keep all this working 787 00:41:17,421 --> 00:41:19,901 so they can make choices. 788 00:41:19,981 --> 00:41:21,101 You think too much. 789 00:41:21,181 --> 00:41:22,661 [grunts] 790 00:41:25,581 --> 00:41:26,501 [gasps] 791 00:41:26,581 --> 00:41:29,101 You...you mustn't. 792 00:41:29,181 --> 00:41:31,581 Why would you do this? 793 00:41:31,661 --> 00:41:34,541 We're the good guys. I have to warn you that-- 794 00:41:34,621 --> 00:41:36,661 that I'm going to take this entire interaction up with... 795 00:41:36,701 --> 00:41:40,221 up with... a higher authority. 796 00:41:40,341 --> 00:41:43,181 You really think upstairs will take your call? 797 00:41:43,301 --> 00:41:45,141 You're ridiculous. 798 00:41:45,181 --> 00:41:47,661 [horn sounding] 799 00:41:47,701 --> 00:41:50,661 Oh, this is great. It's starting. 800 00:41:54,901 --> 00:41:57,061 You...you... 801 00:41:59,101 --> 00:42:01,181 bad angels. 802 00:42:01,221 --> 00:42:02,701 Seems to me it'd serve everyone right 803 00:42:02,821 --> 00:42:05,021 if all the nuclear bombs went off and it started again, 804 00:42:05,101 --> 00:42:06,181 only properly this time. 805 00:42:06,301 --> 00:42:07,661 Then we could sort it all out. 806 00:42:07,701 --> 00:42:09,381 There's all these bombs going off. 807 00:42:09,461 --> 00:42:11,061 People get killed. 808 00:42:11,141 --> 00:42:14,381 Speaking as a mother of unborn generations, I'm against it. 809 00:42:14,461 --> 00:42:16,461 You'd all be fine. I'd see to that. 810 00:42:16,541 --> 00:42:19,181 It'd be wicked, eh, to have the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it? 811 00:42:19,301 --> 00:42:21,661 We could have amazing games. We could have war with real armies. 812 00:42:21,781 --> 00:42:23,221 But there won't be any people. 813 00:42:23,341 --> 00:42:24,501 They'd all be dead. 814 00:42:24,581 --> 00:42:26,541 Oh, I can make us some new people. 815 00:42:26,621 --> 00:42:28,181 Adam, please let us go home. 816 00:42:28,301 --> 00:42:30,181 -I want my mummy and my daddy. -No. 817 00:42:30,221 --> 00:42:32,501 -I'll make you new mummies and daddies. -[thunder crashes] 818 00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:35,301 Please, Adam! 819 00:42:35,381 --> 00:42:38,341 Adam, what are you doing?! 820 00:42:38,421 --> 00:42:40,661 -[barks] -I've got friends coming soon. 821 00:42:40,781 --> 00:42:42,861 You'll like them. They're a lot like you. 822 00:42:42,941 --> 00:42:44,341 They're going to help me make it all stop. 823 00:42:44,421 --> 00:42:46,981 Actually, Adam, please, I can't move! 824 00:42:47,061 --> 00:42:49,221 I don't like this game! 825 00:42:49,341 --> 00:42:51,341 You wait. It's going to be wicked. 826 00:42:51,421 --> 00:42:52,981 -[whimpers] -[thunder crashes] 827 00:43:03,901 --> 00:43:06,301 So we find this Adam, and then what do we do? 828 00:43:06,381 --> 00:43:07,541 Stop him. 829 00:43:07,621 --> 00:43:10,141 He's bringing Armageddon. 830 00:43:10,181 --> 00:43:13,181 So, we ask him nicely to stop? 831 00:43:13,221 --> 00:43:15,981 I don't know. Agnes doesn't say. 832 00:43:16,061 --> 00:43:17,061 She goes off on stuff about... 833 00:43:19,181 --> 00:43:21,141 you and me. 834 00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:23,381 -Like what? -Oh, stupid stuff. 835 00:43:23,461 --> 00:43:24,941 You...you don't want to know. 836 00:43:26,901 --> 00:43:28,181 Hogback Lane isn't far from here. 837 00:43:30,821 --> 00:43:32,701 [Anathema shouts] 838 00:43:34,501 --> 00:43:35,861 Hold on! 839 00:43:35,941 --> 00:43:37,381 I'm not an idiot! 840 00:43:41,341 --> 00:43:42,861 You don't get tornados in England! 841 00:43:42,941 --> 00:43:44,181 We do today! 842 00:43:44,301 --> 00:43:46,181 Prophecy 691! 843 00:43:46,221 --> 00:43:48,621 The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble. 844 00:43:48,701 --> 00:43:51,181 We'll have less than a minute to go back inside 845 00:43:51,261 --> 00:43:52,661 before it starts again. 846 00:43:52,741 --> 00:43:54,101 Got it? 847 00:43:59,461 --> 00:44:00,821 Okay. Got it. 848 00:44:06,661 --> 00:44:08,501 Under the bed! 849 00:44:13,701 --> 00:44:14,901 This is insane. 850 00:44:14,981 --> 00:44:17,341 You don't get tornados here. 851 00:44:17,421 --> 00:44:19,501 Did Agnes say what we have to do next? 852 00:44:22,661 --> 00:44:24,141 [grunting] 853 00:44:24,221 --> 00:44:26,541 [Agnes] Let the wheel of fate turn. 854 00:44:26,621 --> 00:44:28,901 Let hearts enjoin. 855 00:44:28,981 --> 00:44:31,021 There are other fires than mine. 856 00:44:31,101 --> 00:44:33,261 When the whirlwind whirls, 857 00:44:33,341 --> 00:44:35,541 -reach out to one another. -[Pulsifer] "Reach out to one another"! 858 00:44:37,181 --> 00:44:39,021 The world's about to end, and I've-- 859 00:44:39,101 --> 00:44:40,261 I've never-- 860 00:44:40,341 --> 00:44:41,541 never robbed a bank. 861 00:44:41,621 --> 00:44:42,821 I've never got a parking ticket. 862 00:44:42,901 --> 00:44:45,061 I've never eaten Thai food. 863 00:44:45,141 --> 00:44:46,781 I've never been abroad. 864 00:44:46,861 --> 00:44:49,821 I've never learned to play a musical instrument, 865 00:44:49,901 --> 00:44:51,501 and I've never... 866 00:44:51,581 --> 00:44:53,101 Kissed a girl? 867 00:44:53,181 --> 00:44:54,861 No, not even once. 868 00:44:54,941 --> 00:44:56,221 [thunder rumbles] 869 00:44:56,301 --> 00:44:57,941 [glass shatters] 870 00:45:16,181 --> 00:45:17,821 [wind howling] 871 00:45:27,221 --> 00:45:28,661 [pin twanging] 872 00:45:31,661 --> 00:45:33,541 [pin clatters on floor] 873 00:45:46,821 --> 00:45:48,421 [sizzles] 874 00:45:49,821 --> 00:45:51,061 Huh. 875 00:45:52,781 --> 00:45:54,701 [Madame Tracy] I made you a nice cup of tea. 876 00:45:54,781 --> 00:45:57,501 [door closes] 877 00:45:57,581 --> 00:46:00,141 I made it just the way you like it. 878 00:46:00,221 --> 00:46:02,781 Nine sugars and condensed milk. 879 00:46:02,861 --> 00:46:05,621 Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene. 880 00:46:05,701 --> 00:46:09,661 Oh, Mr Shadwell. You say the nicest things. 881 00:46:09,741 --> 00:46:11,021 [sobs] 882 00:46:11,101 --> 00:46:13,381 I've sent him into the jaws of doom. 883 00:46:13,461 --> 00:46:15,501 -Who? -Private Pulsifer. 884 00:46:15,581 --> 00:46:18,781 Aye, he's just a lad. I let him go alone. 885 00:46:18,861 --> 00:46:20,181 I should have gone with him. 886 00:46:20,261 --> 00:46:22,701 Well, he's just having a nice day out. 887 00:46:24,541 --> 00:46:26,181 That's unusual. 888 00:46:26,261 --> 00:46:30,981 I'm a bad man and a worse Witchfinder Sergeant. 889 00:46:31,061 --> 00:46:33,541 I cannot believe I let him go alone. 890 00:46:33,621 --> 00:46:34,861 I should go to him. 891 00:46:36,381 --> 00:46:39,021 There's a train to Tadfield. 892 00:46:39,101 --> 00:46:40,941 I can't get there on my bus pass. 893 00:46:41,021 --> 00:46:43,421 There's not funds for a train ticket. 894 00:46:45,981 --> 00:46:47,661 Oh, I'll not travel on the wages 895 00:46:47,741 --> 00:46:50,301 of harlotry and ghost-raising. 896 00:46:50,381 --> 00:46:52,621 You'll need an extra five pounds for a sandwich and a coffee. 897 00:46:57,861 --> 00:46:59,221 Wait. 898 00:46:59,301 --> 00:47:00,821 Shouldn't we have dinner or something first? 899 00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:02,261 Shh. No time. 900 00:47:24,501 --> 00:47:26,141 Well, if you won't take it from me, 901 00:47:26,221 --> 00:47:28,581 what about one of those nice men that called? 902 00:47:28,661 --> 00:47:30,701 Mr Crowley won't give me an advance. 903 00:47:30,781 --> 00:47:33,021 I think he's Mafia. 904 00:47:33,101 --> 00:47:34,941 But the southern pansy in the bookshop 905 00:47:35,021 --> 00:47:36,661 might be a soft touch. 906 00:47:36,741 --> 00:47:39,261 Aye, he's got money. 907 00:47:39,341 --> 00:47:41,741 Even now, young Pulsifer could be suffering 908 00:47:41,821 --> 00:47:45,341 unimaginable tortures at the hands of the Daughters of Night. 909 00:47:45,421 --> 00:47:47,621 I can't imagine what he's going through. 910 00:47:47,701 --> 00:47:49,901 [gasping] 911 00:47:49,981 --> 00:47:52,101 [comical gasp] 912 00:47:53,181 --> 00:47:54,621 [panting] 913 00:47:54,701 --> 00:47:58,661 Aye, we can't leave our people in there. 914 00:47:58,741 --> 00:48:01,901 They could be doing all manner of things to him 915 00:48:01,981 --> 00:48:03,301 right this moment. 916 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,541 [both gasping] 917 00:48:12,981 --> 00:48:15,741 Well, I don't suppose it'll be the end of the world 918 00:48:15,821 --> 00:48:18,101 even if they are, Mr S. 919 00:48:20,781 --> 00:48:22,021 [Wensleydale] But, please, Adam! 920 00:48:22,101 --> 00:48:24,061 We have to go home! 921 00:48:24,141 --> 00:48:26,941 This is your home! Here, with me! 922 00:48:27,021 --> 00:48:29,661 You don't have to go home or go to school or anything. 923 00:48:29,741 --> 00:48:31,861 Or do anything you don't want to do, ever again. 924 00:48:31,941 --> 00:48:33,421 Adam, just stop it! 925 00:48:33,501 --> 00:48:34,661 Shut up! 926 00:48:34,741 --> 00:48:36,221 Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 927 00:48:36,301 --> 00:48:38,701 Stop talking! You all have to stop talking now! 928 00:48:38,781 --> 00:48:40,701 Everybody, stop talking! 929 00:48:41,701 --> 00:48:43,941 [muffled grunting] 930 00:48:46,421 --> 00:48:47,981 -[indistinct chattering] -[wind gusting] 931 00:49:21,581 --> 00:49:23,421 Hello. 932 00:49:23,501 --> 00:49:26,101 This is the Principality Aziraphale. 933 00:49:26,181 --> 00:49:28,261 I'm looking for, erm... 934 00:49:30,901 --> 00:49:32,621 a higher authority. 935 00:49:34,461 --> 00:49:35,981 Is there anybody there? 936 00:49:45,661 --> 00:49:47,621 [knock on door] 937 00:49:47,701 --> 00:49:48,981 We're closed! 938 00:49:52,021 --> 00:49:54,941 This really is frightfully important. 939 00:49:55,021 --> 00:49:57,621 I'm prepared to take this all the way to the top. 940 00:49:59,181 --> 00:50:00,741 [gasps] 941 00:50:04,221 --> 00:50:05,621 [exhales sharply] 942 00:50:06,701 --> 00:50:08,621 I, erm... 943 00:50:08,701 --> 00:50:12,701 I-I-I need to speak to the Almighty. 944 00:50:12,781 --> 00:50:15,781 [Metatron] Speak, Aziraphale. 945 00:50:17,221 --> 00:50:19,181 Am I speaking to... 946 00:50:20,621 --> 00:50:22,021 God? 947 00:50:24,381 --> 00:50:28,261 You are speaking to the Metatron, Aziraphale. 948 00:50:29,421 --> 00:50:33,381 To speak to me is to speak to God. 949 00:50:34,621 --> 00:50:36,901 I am the voice of the Almighty. 950 00:50:36,981 --> 00:50:41,301 [Aziraphale] Well, yes. But you are the voice of the Almighty 951 00:50:41,381 --> 00:50:43,941 in the same way as, erm, a presidential spokesman 952 00:50:44,021 --> 00:50:46,141 is-is the voice of the President. 953 00:50:46,221 --> 00:50:50,021 I actually need to speak directly to God. 954 00:50:50,101 --> 00:50:54,541 What is said to me is said to the Almighty. 955 00:50:57,181 --> 00:51:00,661 Well, Aziraphale? 956 00:51:00,741 --> 00:51:02,661 I want to complain about the conduct of a few angels. 957 00:51:02,741 --> 00:51:05,661 But the-the important thing is the Antichrist. 958 00:51:05,741 --> 00:51:08,581 I know who he is, I know where he is. 959 00:51:08,661 --> 00:51:10,261 Good work, well done. 960 00:51:10,341 --> 00:51:13,021 So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, 961 00:51:13,101 --> 00:51:15,741 a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. 962 00:51:15,821 --> 00:51:18,621 There needn't be a war. We can save everyone. 963 00:51:18,701 --> 00:51:21,901 The point is not to avoid the war. 964 00:51:21,981 --> 00:51:24,261 The point is to win it. 965 00:51:27,581 --> 00:51:28,821 Ah. 966 00:51:30,341 --> 00:51:32,941 Erm... 967 00:51:33,021 --> 00:51:37,541 What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war? 968 00:51:37,621 --> 00:51:41,661 We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange 969 00:51:41,741 --> 00:51:43,901 would be a nice start. 970 00:51:45,261 --> 00:51:46,861 Very imaginative. 971 00:51:46,941 --> 00:51:50,701 The battle commences, Aziraphale. 972 00:51:50,781 --> 00:51:53,741 -Join us. -In a jiffy. 973 00:51:53,821 --> 00:51:56,781 Two shakes of a lamb's tail. 974 00:51:56,861 --> 00:52:00,061 Just a-a couple of things left to tie up. 975 00:52:00,141 --> 00:52:03,661 We will leave the gateway open for you, then. 976 00:52:03,741 --> 00:52:06,061 Do not dawdle. 977 00:52:07,381 --> 00:52:09,421 Yes. Jolly... 978 00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:10,661 jolly good. 979 00:52:28,581 --> 00:52:30,501 -Hello. I know where the Anti-- -Hi, this is Anthony Crowley. 980 00:52:30,581 --> 00:52:32,141 You know what to do. Do it with style. 981 00:52:32,221 --> 00:52:34,941 Well, I know who you are, you idiot. I telephoned you. 982 00:52:35,021 --> 00:52:36,621 Listen, I know where the Anti-- 983 00:52:36,701 --> 00:52:38,901 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 984 00:52:38,981 --> 00:52:41,261 -But-- -[Shadwell] You foul fiend! 985 00:52:41,341 --> 00:52:44,181 In league with the forces of darkness! 986 00:52:44,261 --> 00:52:45,781 Sergeant Shadwell? 987 00:52:45,861 --> 00:52:47,061 You monster! 988 00:52:47,141 --> 00:52:48,981 Seducing women to do your evil will. 989 00:52:49,061 --> 00:52:50,621 Oh, I think perhaps you've got the wrong shop. 990 00:52:50,701 --> 00:52:53,701 You are possessed by a demon, and I will exorcise you 991 00:52:53,781 --> 00:52:55,381 with bell, book and candle. 992 00:52:55,461 --> 00:52:56,621 Yes, er, fine. 993 00:52:56,701 --> 00:52:58,381 But, please, keep away from the circle. 994 00:52:58,461 --> 00:52:59,661 It's-- it's still powered up. 995 00:52:59,741 --> 00:53:01,541 Bell. 996 00:53:03,621 --> 00:53:06,061 -[bell dings] -I'm honestly not a demon. 997 00:53:06,141 --> 00:53:07,581 I-I don't know what you think you saw, but-- 998 00:53:07,661 --> 00:53:09,221 Book! 999 00:53:09,301 --> 00:53:13,261 Please, you-you-you must keep away from the circle. 1000 00:53:14,701 --> 00:53:16,141 Practically a candle. 1001 00:53:16,221 --> 00:53:19,461 Look the circle is on, and it would be very unwise 1002 00:53:19,541 --> 00:53:21,301 for you to step into it without the proper precaution. 1003 00:53:21,381 --> 00:53:22,861 -[praying] -Whatever you think you've seen, 1004 00:53:22,941 --> 00:53:25,701 don't cross the circle, you stupid man! 1005 00:53:25,781 --> 00:53:28,221 Evil, returning no more! 1006 00:53:31,741 --> 00:53:33,221 Oh... 1007 00:53:33,301 --> 00:53:34,861 fuck. 1008 00:53:41,261 --> 00:53:42,901 [explosion] 1009 00:53:50,381 --> 00:53:51,581 Hello? 1010 00:53:56,381 --> 00:53:58,061 [thunder crashes] 1011 00:53:58,141 --> 00:53:59,421 [door slams] 1012 00:54:06,421 --> 00:54:09,141 [theme music plays]