1 00:00:14,521 --> 00:00:16,897 Voice of god: Current theories on the creation of the universe 2 00:00:16,921 --> 00:00:18,841 state that if it were created at all 3 00:00:18,961 --> 00:00:21,841 Ana' didn't just start as it were, unofficially, 4 00:00:21,961 --> 00:00:25,441 it came into being about 74 billion years ago. 5 00:00:25,561 --> 00:00:29,801 The earth is generally supposed to be about four-and-a-half billion years old. 6 00:00:29,921 --> 00:00:31,521 These dates are incorrect. 7 00:00:31,641 --> 00:00:36,801 Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 bc. 8 00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:40,921 Others put creation as far back as 5508 bc. 9 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,161 Also incorrect. 10 00:00:43,281 --> 00:00:46,841 Archbishop James ussher claimed that the heaven and the earth 11 00:00:46,961 --> 00:00:52,681 At 9am. 12 00:00:52,801 --> 00:00:54,601 This too was incorrect... 13 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,161 B y almost a quarter of an hour. 14 00:00:57,281 --> 00:01:02,481 [T was created at 9.73 in the morning, which was correct. 15 00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:05,521 The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons 16 00:01:05,641 --> 00:01:08,681 was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. 17 00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:10,961 This proves two things. 18 00:01:11,081 --> 00:01:14,601 Firstly, that god does not play dice with the universe. 19 00:01:14,721 --> 00:01:17,801 .I' play an ineffable game of my own devising. 20 00:01:17,921 --> 00:01:21,161 For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, 21 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:24,601 for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, 22 00:01:24,721 --> 00:01:26,481 and who smiles all the time. 23 00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:30,281 Secondly, the earth is a libra. 24 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:34,881 The entry for libra in the tadfield advertiser 25 00:01:35,001 --> 00:01:38,281 on the night our history begins reads as follows. 26 00:01:38,401 --> 00:01:42,241 "You may be feeling run-down and always in the same daily round. 27 00:01:42,361 --> 00:01:44,721 "A friend is important to you. 28 00:01:44,841 --> 00:01:49,361 "You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. 29 00:01:49,481 --> 00:01:52,681 "Help could come from an unexpected quarter." 30 00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:55,721 This was perfectly correct on every count 31 00:01:55,841 --> 00:01:58,281 except for the bit about the salads. 32 00:01:59,881 --> 00:02:02,681 To understand the true significance of what that means, 33 00:02:02,801 --> 00:02:04,681 we need to begin earlier. 34 00:02:04,801 --> 00:02:08,041 A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise, 35 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,041 just after the beginning. 36 00:02:10,161 --> 00:02:14,121 It starts, as it will end, with a garden - 37 00:02:14,241 --> 00:02:17,161 in this case, the garden of Eden - 38 00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:18,921 and with an apple. 39 00:02:33,401 --> 00:02:35,241 Go on. It's an apple! 40 00:03:09,241 --> 00:03:10,521 Voice of god: [T was a nice day. 41 00:03:10,601 --> 00:03:12,121 All the days had been nice. 42 00:03:12,241 --> 00:03:14,961 There had been rather more than seven of them so far, 43 00:03:15,081 --> 00:03:17,601 and rain hadn't been invented yet. 44 00:03:17,721 --> 00:03:19,921 But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden 45 00:03:20,041 --> 00:03:22,561 suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, 46 00:03:22,681 --> 00:03:24,361 and it was going to be a big one. 47 00:03:32,521 --> 00:03:34,201 Well, that went down like a lead balloon. 48 00:03:34,321 --> 00:03:35,481 Yeah... 49 00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:37,121 Sorry, what was that? 50 00:03:38,161 --> 00:03:41,121 I said, well, that went down like a lead balloon. 51 00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:43,801 Yes. Yes, it did, rather. 52 00:03:45,081 --> 00:03:47,041 Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. 53 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,441 First offence and everything. 54 00:03:52,721 --> 00:03:54,321 I can't see what's so bad 55 00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:56,801 about knowing the difference between good and evil, anyway. 56 00:03:57,921 --> 00:03:59,441 Well, it must be bad... 57 00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:02,561 - Crawley. - Crawley... 58 00:04:03,801 --> 00:04:07,561 Otherwise you wouldn't have tempted them into it. 59 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,921 They just said, "get up there and make some trouble." 60 00:04:11,041 --> 00:04:12,801 Well, obviously - you're a demon. 61 00:04:12,921 --> 00:04:14,041 It's what you do. 62 00:04:14,161 --> 00:04:16,921 Not very subtle of the almighty, though. 63 00:04:17,041 --> 00:04:20,041 Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "don't touch" sign. 64 00:04:20,161 --> 00:04:22,681 Why not put it on the top of a high mountain? 65 00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,561 Or on the moon? 66 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:28,081 Makes you wonder what god's really planning. 67 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,681 Best not to speculate. 68 00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:31,841 It's all part of the great plan. 69 00:04:31,961 --> 00:04:34,001 It's not forus to understand. 70 00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:37,761 It's ineffable. 71 00:04:37,881 --> 00:04:39,801 The great plan's ineffable? 72 00:04:39,921 --> 00:04:41,201 Exactly. 73 00:04:41,321 --> 00:04:46,361 It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words. 74 00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,401 Didn't you have a flaming sword? 75 00:04:50,401 --> 00:04:53,001 You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it? 76 00:04:54,881 --> 00:04:56,121 Lost it already, have you? 77 00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:57,841 I gave it away. 78 00:04:57,961 --> 00:05:00,601 - You what? - I gave it away! 79 00:05:00,721 --> 00:05:03,881 There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there, 80 00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:05,681 and she's expecting already, 81 00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:08,041 and [said ”here you go, flaming sword, don't thank me, 82 00:05:08,161 --> 00:05:10,441 "and don't let the sun go down on you here." 83 00:05:12,081 --> 00:05:14,521 I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing. 84 00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,081 Oh, you're an angel. 85 00:05:16,201 --> 00:05:18,361 I don't think you can do the wrong thing. 86 00:05:18,481 --> 00:05:21,041 Oh... oh, thank... oh, thank you. 87 00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:24,561 It's been bothering me. 88 00:05:24,681 --> 00:05:26,721 Crowley: I've been worrying too. 89 00:05:28,241 --> 00:05:31,521 What if I did the right thing, with the whole eat-the-apple business? 90 00:05:32,561 --> 00:05:35,161 A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing. 91 00:05:38,761 --> 00:05:40,241 Be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? 92 00:05:40,361 --> 00:05:42,841 If I did the good thing and you did the bad one. 93 00:05:48,241 --> 00:05:49,841 It wouldn't be funny at all. 94 00:05:49,961 --> 00:05:51,601 Well... 95 00:05:53,001 --> 00:05:57,001 Voice of god: Good 0mens. Being a narrative of certain events 96 00:05:57,121 --> 00:05:59,721 occurring in the last eleven years of human history, 97 00:05:59,841 --> 00:06:01,801 in strict accordance, as shall be shown, 98 00:06:01,921 --> 00:06:05,721 with the nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes nutter, witch. 99 00:07:35,561 --> 00:07:39,561 .I't wasn't a dark and stormy night but don't let the weather fool you. 100 00:07:39,681 --> 00:07:41,281 Just because it's a mild night 101 00:07:41,401 --> 00:07:44,041 doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad 102 00:07:44,161 --> 00:07:45,361 they are. 103 00:07:45,481 --> 00:07:46,761 They are everywhere. 104 00:08:05,521 --> 00:08:08,441 Voice of god: Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard. 105 00:08:08,561 --> 00:08:09,961 They are pacing themselves, 106 00:08:10,081 --> 00:08:13,041 and can lurk for the rest of the night if necessary, 107 00:08:13,161 --> 00:08:18,841 with still enough sullen menace left for a final burst of lurking around dawn. 108 00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:25,761 Bugger this for a lark. 109 00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:29,041 He should have been waiting for us. 110 00:08:29,161 --> 00:08:30,521 Do you trust him? 111 00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:33,361 - Nope. - Good. 112 00:08:33,481 --> 00:08:37,041 It'd be a funny old world if demons went round trusting each other. 113 00:08:37,161 --> 00:08:39,801 What's he calling himself up here these days? 114 00:08:41,681 --> 00:08:43,161 Crowley. 115 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,921 Here he comes now, the flash bastard. 116 00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:55,641 ♪ For me, for me, for me... ♪ 117 00:08:55,761 --> 00:08:57,601 If you ask me, he's been up here too long. 118 00:08:57,721 --> 00:08:59,081 Gone native. 119 00:08:59,201 --> 00:09:01,241 Enjoying himself too much. 120 00:09:01,361 --> 00:09:03,881 Wearing sunglasses even when he doesn't need them. 121 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,361 - Hastur: All hail Satan. - Ligur: All hail Satan. 122 00:09:06,481 --> 00:09:08,721 Hi, guys. Yeah, sorry I'm late, 123 00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:11,281 but you know how it is on the a40 at denham. 124 00:09:11,401 --> 00:09:13,137 - I tried to cut up towards... - Now that we art all here, 125 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,721 let us recount the deeds of the day. 126 00:09:15,841 --> 00:09:18,361 Course. Deeds. Yeah. 127 00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:20,201 I have tempted a priest. 128 00:09:20,321 --> 00:09:23,401 As he walked down the street he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. 129 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,481 I put doubt into his mind. 130 00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:29,361 He would have been a Saint. Now within a decade, we shall have him. 131 00:09:31,081 --> 00:09:32,241 Nice one. 132 00:09:32,361 --> 00:09:34,641 Ligur: I have corrupted a politician. 133 00:09:34,761 --> 00:09:38,601 Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt. 134 00:09:38,721 --> 00:09:41,041 Within a year, we shall have him. 135 00:09:41,161 --> 00:09:43,281 Right, you'll like this. 136 00:09:43,401 --> 00:09:48,241 I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight. 137 00:09:52,641 --> 00:09:54,801 - Yeah? - Yeah. Wasn't easy. 138 00:09:54,921 --> 00:09:57,561 And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master? 139 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,401 Oh, come on. Think about it. 140 00:09:59,521 --> 00:10:02,761 15 million pissed-off people who take it out on each other? 141 00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:06,641 It's not exactly, hmm... craftsmanship. 142 00:10:06,761 --> 00:10:08,321 Well, head office don't seem to mind. 143 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,881 They love me down there. Guys, times are changing. 144 00:10:12,001 --> 00:10:15,041 So... What's up? 145 00:10:15,161 --> 00:10:16,841 This is. 146 00:10:21,001 --> 00:10:22,681 Yes. 147 00:10:25,481 --> 00:10:26,841 Already? 148 00:10:29,681 --> 00:10:30,961 Yes. 149 00:10:31,081 --> 00:10:32,721 And it's up to me to...? 150 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,281 Both: Yes. 151 00:10:37,441 --> 00:10:41,121 You know, this sort of... It... it really isn't my scene. 152 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,841 Your scene. 153 00:10:42,961 --> 00:10:44,921 Your starring role. 154 00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:47,641 Take it. 155 00:10:47,761 --> 00:10:51,521 Like you said... times are changing. 156 00:10:51,641 --> 00:10:55,121 - They're coming to an end, for a start. - Why me? 157 00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:56,801 Cos they love you down there. 158 00:10:56,921 --> 00:11:01,281 And what an opportunity. Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight. 159 00:11:01,401 --> 00:11:05,281 Well, someone's right arm, anyway. 160 00:11:05,401 --> 00:11:06,561 Hastur: Sign here. 161 00:11:15,481 --> 00:11:16,641 Now what? 162 00:11:16,761 --> 00:11:18,961 You will receive your instructions. 163 00:11:19,081 --> 00:11:20,441 Why so glum? 164 00:11:20,561 --> 00:11:24,921 The moment we've been working for all these centuries is at hand. 165 00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:26,041 Centuries... 166 00:11:26,121 --> 00:11:29,041 Our moment of eternal triumph awaits. 167 00:11:29,161 --> 00:11:30,161 Triumph... 168 00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:34,401 And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny. 169 00:11:34,521 --> 00:11:36,601 Glorious... tool. Yeah. 170 00:11:39,081 --> 00:11:41,641 I'll, um, be off, then. 171 00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:44,921 Get it over with. Not that I want to get it over with. Obviously. 172 00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,761 But I'll be popping along. 173 00:11:46,881 --> 00:11:48,921 Great. Fine. 174 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,281 Yeah. 175 00:11:54,361 --> 00:11:55,721 Ciao! 176 00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,161 Ligur: What's that mean? 177 00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:58,361 Ciao? 178 00:11:58,481 --> 00:12:00,481 It's Italian. 179 00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,121 It means food. 180 00:12:05,001 --> 00:12:08,801 Voice of god: Crowley was all in favour of armageddon in general terms, 181 00:12:08,921 --> 00:12:11,561 but it was one thing to work to bring it about 182 00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:13,681 and quite another for it to actually happen. 183 00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:16,761 - Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! - Radio: When oueen released... 184 00:12:16,881 --> 00:12:18,961 - Why me? - Bohemian rhapsody on Halloween 7975, 185 00:12:19,081 --> 00:12:22,401 it was because... you earned it crowley. Didn't you? 186 00:12:22,521 --> 00:12:26,161 What you did to the m25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling. 187 00:12:26,281 --> 00:12:31,161 The m25. Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm glad it went down so well. 188 00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:32,641 Here are your instructions. 189 00:12:32,761 --> 00:12:34,601 This is the big one, crowley. 190 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:37,281 ♪ .I' see a little silhouetto of a man 191 00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:40,641 ♪ 5caramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango? 192 00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:43,081 ♪ Thunderbolt and lightning... ♪ 193 00:12:43,201 --> 00:12:44,601 ♪ Very, very frightening me 194 00:12:44,721 --> 00:12:47,801 ♪ Galileo, Galileo, Galileo... ♪ 195 00:13:06,961 --> 00:13:08,881 Mmm. 196 00:13:12,721 --> 00:13:14,401 - Mind ifljoin you? - Gabriel. 197 00:13:14,521 --> 00:13:16,401 What an unexpected pleasure. 198 00:13:16,521 --> 00:13:19,721 - It's been... - Quite a while, yes. 199 00:13:21,881 --> 00:13:24,281 Why do you consume that? 200 00:13:24,401 --> 00:13:25,561 You're an angel. 201 00:13:25,681 --> 00:13:27,121 It's Sushi! 202 00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:28,401 It's nice. 203 00:13:28,521 --> 00:13:30,481 You dip it in soy sauce and... 204 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:35,081 It's what humans do, and if I am going to be living here among them... 205 00:13:35,201 --> 00:13:37,481 Well, keeping up appearances. Tea? 206 00:13:37,601 --> 00:13:43,001 I do not Sully the temple of my celestial body with... gross matter. 207 00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:44,921 Obviously not. 208 00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:46,961 - Nice suit. - Yes. I like the clothes. 209 00:13:48,081 --> 00:13:49,881 Pity they won't be around much longer. 210 00:13:50,001 --> 00:13:51,601 They won't? 211 00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:56,961 We have reliable information that things... are afoot. 212 00:13:57,081 --> 00:13:59,001 They are? 213 00:13:59,121 --> 00:14:03,201 Yes. My informants suggest that the demon crowley may be involved. 214 00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:06,097 You need to keep him under observation - 215 00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,561 without, of course, letting him know that's what you're doing. 216 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,121 I do know. Yes, I've been on earth doing this 217 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:12,881 - since the beginning. - 50 has crowley. 218 00:14:14,361 --> 00:14:16,041 It's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet. 219 00:14:16,161 --> 00:14:17,281 Yes, I know! 220 00:14:19,201 --> 00:14:20,961 Miracles are what we do! 221 00:14:26,961 --> 00:14:29,361 Voice of god: Meet Deirdre and Arthur young. 222 00:14:29,481 --> 00:14:32,561 They live in the oxfordshire village of tadfield 223 00:14:32,681 --> 00:14:36,361 are we there yet? Arthur? Four minutes apart. 224 00:14:36,481 --> 00:14:40,321 It's definitely this way. It's just the roads look all different in the dark. 225 00:14:40,441 --> 00:14:43,521 The nuns said to come in when they were four to five minutes apart. 226 00:14:43,641 --> 00:14:45,081 It's just a bit, well... 227 00:14:45,201 --> 00:14:47,561 Ooh, do we have any egg and cress sandwiches? 228 00:14:58,361 --> 00:15:00,281 Voice of god: Meet Harriet dowling 229 00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:03,161 and her husband, American diplomat Thaddeus dowling. 230 00:15:03,281 --> 00:15:05,401 Breathe, honey. Just breathe. 231 00:15:05,521 --> 00:15:09,281 I am breathing, goddammit, tad. Why aren't you here? 232 00:15:09,401 --> 00:15:11,521 Honey, I'm with you. I'm with you. 233 00:15:11,641 --> 00:15:13,281 .I' 'm just also here with the president. 234 00:15:13,321 --> 00:15:16,601 Hey, Harriet. Sorry we had to borrow your husband 235 00:15:18,201 --> 00:15:20,641 Birth is the single most joyous co-experience 236 00:15:20,761 --> 00:15:21,977 that two human beings can share, 237 00:15:22,001 --> 00:15:24,601 - and I'm not gonna miss a second of it - tad! 238 00:15:24,721 --> 00:15:26,057 [F we can get back to the matter in hand? 239 00:15:26,081 --> 00:15:27,097 I'll get back to you, honey. 240 00:15:27,121 --> 00:15:30,801 You're meant to be with me, you useless son-of—a-b... 241 00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:32,761 At some point this evening, 242 00:15:32,881 --> 00:15:35,361 mrs dowling will arrive. 243 00:15:35,481 --> 00:15:38,601 She will undoubtedly have secret service agents with her. 244 00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:43,921 You are all to ensure that they see nothing untoward. 245 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:48,321 Sister Theresa and I will deliver the dowlings' child in room four. 246 00:15:48,441 --> 00:15:53,481 Once he has been born, we will remove the baby boy from the mother, 247 00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:58,681 and give her back our master's child. 248 00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:02,441 Everything is ready. 249 00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:06,321 Tonight... it begins. 250 00:16:07,481 --> 00:16:11,561 - Sister Mary loquacious. - Yes, excuse me, mother superior, 251 00:16:11,681 --> 00:16:14,601 I was wondering where the other baby was going to come from. 252 00:16:14,721 --> 00:16:17,641 Not the American baby, I mean, that's obvious, 253 00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:20,641 that's just the birds and the bees, but, you know, the, uh... 254 00:16:22,001 --> 00:16:26,161 Master crowley is on his way with our dark-lord-to-be, sister Mary. 255 00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:29,361 We do not need to know more than that. 256 00:16:30,561 --> 00:16:34,961 We are satanic nuns of the chattering order of st beryl, 257 00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:39,681 and tonight is what our order was created for. 258 00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:43,681 Sister grace, you are on duty reception. 259 00:16:43,801 --> 00:16:49,401 Sisters Maria verbose and Katherine prolix, you will assist sister Theresa. 260 00:16:49,521 --> 00:16:52,481 The rest of you know your duties. 261 00:16:52,601 --> 00:16:54,561 Oh, it's them. 262 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,161 Places! 263 00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:00,721 Excuse me, mother superior. 264 00:17:00,841 --> 00:17:03,161 I didn't get a job. Probably an oversight. 265 00:17:03,281 --> 00:17:05,081 Yes, of course. 266 00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,801 You could make sure there are biscuits. 267 00:17:07,921 --> 00:17:12,721 The kind with pink icing. I think we had a tin in the convent larder. 268 00:17:37,041 --> 00:17:40,681 - Breathe. Breathe, Deirdre. Breathe. - I am breathing! 269 00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,401 Excuse me. Deirdre young. 270 00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:45,921 Contractions are now four... Fourminutes apart. 271 00:17:47,281 --> 00:17:50,401 - Welcome to st beryl's... - Mrs young. 272 00:17:50,521 --> 00:17:51,817 We weren't expecting you till next week. 273 00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:55,281 Now, Arthur will be with me while I'm in labour. 274 00:17:56,441 --> 00:18:00,441 I'm afraid not. We believe that fathers just... 275 00:18:00,561 --> 00:18:05,241 Complicate the process for everybody. We'll let him know when to come up. 276 00:18:05,361 --> 00:18:07,361 I'm not going to argue with nuns. 277 00:18:07,481 --> 00:18:10,001 Nurses know what they're doing, Deirdre. 278 00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:13,081 - I'll see you when it's... - She'll be in room three. 279 00:18:13,201 --> 00:18:14,961 - Deirdre: Arthur! - Right. 280 00:18:16,641 --> 00:18:18,201 Good... good luck. 281 00:18:19,401 --> 00:18:21,601 Voice of god: It may help to understand human affairs 282 00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:24,841 to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history 283 00:18:24,961 --> 00:18:27,401 are caused not by people being fundamentally good 284 00:18:27,521 --> 00:18:29,521 or fundamentally bad 285 00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:32,201 but by people being fundamentally people. 286 00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:33,801 You've left your lights on. 287 00:18:35,601 --> 00:18:39,041 - That's clever. Is it infrared? - Has it started yet? 288 00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:41,161 Um, they made me go out. 289 00:18:41,281 --> 00:18:43,081 Any idea how long we've got? 290 00:18:43,201 --> 00:18:46,321 Well, I think we were... Getting on with it, doctor. 291 00:18:46,441 --> 00:18:48,081 Got it. What room's she in? 292 00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:50,521 - We're in room three. - Room three. Got it. 293 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,361 Voice of god: There's a trick they do with three playing cards 294 00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,721 which is very hard to follow, and something like it 295 00:18:56,841 --> 00:19:00,601 for greater stakes than a handful of loose change, is about to take place. 296 00:19:04,001 --> 00:19:06,281 Deirdre young is in delivery room three. 297 00:19:06,401 --> 00:19:09,481 She has just given birth to a golden-haired male baby we will call 298 00:19:09,601 --> 00:19:11,121 babya. 299 00:19:14,561 --> 00:19:18,401 Harriet dowling is giving birth in delivery room four. 300 00:19:18,521 --> 00:19:22,961 She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call baby b. 301 00:19:27,881 --> 00:19:29,121 Psst. 302 00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:33,841 Sister Mary loguacious is about to be handed a golden-haired male baby 303 00:19:33,961 --> 00:19:37,921 we will call the adversary, destroyer of kings, 304 00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:39,641 angel of the bottomless pit 305 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:40,921 prince of this world 306 00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:42,841 and lord of darkness. 307 00:19:47,201 --> 00:19:49,281 Oh! Is that him? 308 00:19:49,401 --> 00:19:50,841 Yup. 309 00:19:52,121 --> 00:19:53,841 Only I'd expected funny eyes, 310 00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:56,641 or teensy-weensy little hoof-i-kins. 311 00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:58,201 Or a widdle tail. 312 00:19:58,321 --> 00:19:59,601 It's definitely him. 313 00:19:59,721 --> 00:20:02,281 Fancy me holding the antichrist. 314 00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:05,041 Counting his little toesy-wosies. 315 00:20:05,161 --> 00:20:06,761 Do you look like your daddy? 316 00:20:06,881 --> 00:20:09,921 I bet he does. Do you look like your daddy-waddy-kins? 317 00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:11,641 He doesn't. Take him up to room three. 318 00:20:11,761 --> 00:20:13,001 Room three. 319 00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:14,937 Do you think he'll remember me when he grows up? 320 00:20:14,961 --> 00:20:16,601 Pray that he doesn't. 321 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,041 Voice of god: Three babies. 322 00:20:23,161 --> 00:20:24,601 Watch carefully. 323 00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:26,321 Round and round they go. 324 00:20:26,441 --> 00:20:28,681 Sister Mary, what are you doing here? 325 00:20:28,801 --> 00:20:30,697 Shouldn't you be taking biscuits to the refectory? 326 00:20:30,721 --> 00:20:34,201 Master crowley said to take the baby to room three. 327 00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,961 Well, get on with it, then. 328 00:21:07,561 --> 00:21:10,241 Has it happened yet? 329 00:21:10,361 --> 00:21:12,881 I'm the father. The husband. Both. 330 00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:15,321 Ooh, yes. Congratulations. 331 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,681 Your lady wife's asleep, poor pet. 332 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:23,121 Twins? 333 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,441 Nobody said anything about twins. 334 00:21:26,561 --> 00:21:28,121 Oh, no, no. This one's yours. 335 00:21:28,241 --> 00:21:30,921 That one's... someone else's. 336 00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:33,201 Just looking after him. No, no. 337 00:21:33,321 --> 00:21:37,401 This one is definitely yours, your ambassadorship, 338 00:21:37,521 --> 00:21:39,881 from the top of his head to the tips of his hoofy-woofies, 339 00:21:40,001 --> 00:21:42,201 which he hasn't got. 340 00:21:42,321 --> 00:21:44,561 All... Present and correct, is he? 341 00:21:44,681 --> 00:21:45,921 Oh, yes. 342 00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:48,921 Normal. Very, very normal. 343 00:21:51,641 --> 00:21:55,521 A boy! Mr president [Have the honour, sir, 344 00:21:55,641 --> 00:22:00,641 to report myself the father of a regular y-chromosomed son. 345 00:22:00,761 --> 00:22:02,561 Now we just have to take him away for a minute 346 00:22:02,681 --> 00:22:05,481 to weigh him and the usual. 347 00:22:05,601 --> 00:22:10,481 This father-of-a-male-boy-son is all yours, mr president. 348 00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,481 Harriet! Yes! 349 00:22:22,921 --> 00:22:24,321 Where's the baby? 350 00:22:25,681 --> 00:22:27,121 Satan give me strength! 351 00:22:28,201 --> 00:22:29,921 Do you know where our master's child is? 352 00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:33,641 Sister Mary loquacious has him. In room three. 353 00:22:35,761 --> 00:22:38,881 Now, we call these biscuits, but you'll be looking at them 354 00:22:39,001 --> 00:22:40,681 and going, "oh, cookies." 355 00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:43,601 I call them biscuits. 356 00:22:44,921 --> 00:22:47,921 Voice of god: As methods of human communication go, 357 00:22:48,041 --> 00:22:50,841 the human wink is quite versatile. 358 00:22:50,961 --> 00:22:53,081 For example, sister Theresa's meant... 359 00:22:53,201 --> 00:22:55,041 Where the hell have you been? 360 00:22:55,161 --> 00:22:56,761 We're ready to make the switch, 361 00:22:56,881 --> 00:22:59,417 and here's you in the wrong room with the adversary, destroyer of kings, 362 00:22:59,441 --> 00:23:01,361 angel of the bottomless pit, prince of this world 363 00:23:01,401 --> 00:23:02,801 and lord of darkness, drinking tea. 364 00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:04,561 And as far as she was concerned, 365 00:23:04,681 --> 00:23:08,081 sister Mary's answering wink meant... 366 00:23:08,201 --> 00:23:10,481 This child is the adversary, destroyer of kings, 367 00:23:10,601 --> 00:23:12,681 angel of the bottomless pit, prince of this world 368 00:23:12,801 --> 00:23:14,161 and lord of darkness, 369 00:23:14,281 --> 00:23:16,761 but I can't talk now because there's this outsider here. 370 00:23:16,881 --> 00:23:18,641 Sister Mary, on the other hand, 371 00:23:18,761 --> 00:23:22,481 had thought that sister Theresa's wink was more on the lines of .. 372 00:23:22,601 --> 00:23:26,121 Well done, that sister Mary - switched over the babies all by herself. 373 00:23:26,241 --> 00:23:29,201 Now, indicate to me the superfluous child 374 00:23:29,321 --> 00:23:31,377 and I shall remove it and let you get on with your tea 375 00:23:31,401 --> 00:23:34,241 with his royal excellency the American ambassador. 376 00:23:36,281 --> 00:23:37,521 Extra baby removal! 377 00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:42,321 But I'm wittering on. 378 00:23:42,441 --> 00:23:44,841 Where were you before you took up this appointment? 379 00:23:44,961 --> 00:23:47,241 Swindon. 380 00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:49,961 Aww... 381 00:23:52,481 --> 00:23:54,841 Here's your little man back. 382 00:23:54,961 --> 00:23:57,521 All cleaned up and weighed. 383 00:23:57,641 --> 00:23:59,361 Look, honey. 384 00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:00,641 Ourson! 385 00:24:01,881 --> 00:24:05,921 - He's beautiful, hon. - What a little tyke, huh? 386 00:24:08,521 --> 00:24:11,881 Seeing him makes me understand what's important in life. 387 00:24:12,001 --> 00:24:13,561 It's not work. 388 00:24:13,681 --> 00:24:16,081 I'm going to teach him to play baseball, 389 00:24:16,201 --> 00:24:18,441 - and on sundays we 71 go fishing... - Tad! 390 00:24:19,761 --> 00:24:21,441 Sorry, honey, we 71 call you back. 391 00:24:22,881 --> 00:24:24,761 You must name the child. 392 00:24:24,881 --> 00:24:28,961 Well, we were going to name him Thaddeus, after his dad, 393 00:24:29,081 --> 00:24:30,881 and his dad's dad. 394 00:24:31,001 --> 00:24:34,881 - Damien's an excellent name. - Damien dowling? 395 00:24:35,001 --> 00:24:36,601 Too alliterative. 396 00:24:37,641 --> 00:24:40,601 Warlock, then. It's an old English name. 397 00:24:40,721 --> 00:24:42,401 A good name. 398 00:24:46,681 --> 00:24:48,921 Hello, warlock. 399 00:24:52,081 --> 00:24:53,601 Damien? 400 00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,761 No, I'd always fancied something more... 401 00:24:57,881 --> 00:24:59,681 Well, traditional. 402 00:24:59,801 --> 00:25:03,881 We've always gone in for good, simple names in our family. 403 00:25:04,001 --> 00:25:05,041 Cain. 404 00:25:05,161 --> 00:25:07,561 Very modern sound, Cain, really. 405 00:25:09,481 --> 00:25:11,361 Or there's always... 406 00:25:12,521 --> 00:25:14,521 I mean, there's always Adam. 407 00:25:16,521 --> 00:25:17,881 Adam? 408 00:25:18,921 --> 00:25:20,321 Hmm. 409 00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:22,681 Adam. 410 00:25:28,721 --> 00:25:30,641 Come on, little one. 411 00:25:30,761 --> 00:25:33,121 Do you know, Deirdre... 412 00:25:34,361 --> 00:25:37,121 I think he looks like an Adam. 413 00:25:37,241 --> 00:25:39,041 Ooh. 414 00:25:39,161 --> 00:25:42,121 Hello, Adam. 415 00:25:42,241 --> 00:25:45,201 Voice of god: It would be nice to think that the nuns had the surplus baby 416 00:25:45,321 --> 00:25:48,961 discreetly adopted. That he grew to be a happy, normal child, 417 00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:53,121 and then grew further to become a normal, fairly contented adult 418 00:25:53,241 --> 00:25:55,321 and perhaps that is what happened. 419 00:25:55,441 --> 00:25:58,801 He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish. 420 00:26:04,321 --> 00:26:05,521 Call aziraphale. 421 00:26:05,641 --> 00:26:07,241 Car phone system: Calling aziraphale. 422 00:26:07,361 --> 00:26:08,841 Sorry. 423 00:26:08,961 --> 00:26:11,641 All lines to London are currently busy. 424 00:26:27,281 --> 00:26:30,121 I'm afraid we're quite definitely closed. 425 00:26:30,241 --> 00:26:32,241 Crowley: Aziraphale. It's me. 426 00:26:32,361 --> 00:26:33,881 We need to talk. 427 00:26:34,001 --> 00:26:36,321 Yes. Yes, .i' rather think we do. 428 00:26:36,441 --> 00:26:37,961 I assume this is about... 429 00:26:38,081 --> 00:26:39,601 Armageddon. 430 00:26:39,721 --> 00:26:40,881 Yes. 431 00:26:44,641 --> 00:26:47,737 Voice of god: Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London 432 00:26:47,761 --> 00:26:51,081 is, and always has been, st James's park. 433 00:26:51,201 --> 00:26:54,361 They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents 434 00:26:54,481 --> 00:26:57,241 that they've developed pavlovian reactions to them. 435 00:26:58,361 --> 00:27:01,801 The Russian cultural attache's black bread is particularly sought after 436 00:27:01,921 --> 00:27:04,801 by the more discerning duck. 437 00:27:04,921 --> 00:27:08,481 Crowley and aziraphale have been meeting here for quite some time. 438 00:27:08,601 --> 00:27:10,721 You're sure it was the antichrist? 439 00:27:10,841 --> 00:27:12,961 I should know. I delivered the baby. 440 00:27:13,081 --> 00:27:15,361 Well, not delivered-delivered, you know, just... 441 00:27:16,761 --> 00:27:17,921 Handed it over. 442 00:27:18,041 --> 00:27:19,761 An American diplomat. 443 00:27:19,881 --> 00:27:21,121 Really? 444 00:27:21,241 --> 00:27:24,361 As if armageddon were a cinematographic show 445 00:27:24,481 --> 00:27:27,081 you wished to sell in as many countries as possible. 446 00:27:27,201 --> 00:27:29,201 The earth and all the kingdoms thereof. 447 00:27:29,321 --> 00:27:32,201 We will win, of course. 448 00:27:32,321 --> 00:27:35,201 - You really believe that? - Obviously! 449 00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:38,121 Heaven will finally triumph over hell. 450 00:27:38,241 --> 00:27:40,481 It's all going to be rather lovely. 451 00:27:40,601 --> 00:27:45,401 Out of interest, how many first-class composers do your lot have in heaven? 452 00:27:45,521 --> 00:27:46,601 Cos Mozart's one of ours. 453 00:27:47,761 --> 00:27:48,921 Beethoven. 454 00:27:49,041 --> 00:27:50,081 Schubert. 455 00:27:50,201 --> 00:27:51,681 All of the bachs. 456 00:27:51,801 --> 00:27:53,601 They have already written their music. 457 00:27:53,721 --> 00:27:55,801 And you'll never hear it again. 458 00:27:57,401 --> 00:27:59,601 No more Albert hall. No more glyndebourne. 459 00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:01,721 Just celestial harmonies. 460 00:28:01,841 --> 00:28:02,841 Well... 461 00:28:02,921 --> 00:28:04,897 That's just the start of what you'll lose if you win. 462 00:28:04,921 --> 00:28:09,481 No more... fascinating little restaurants where they know you. 463 00:28:09,601 --> 00:28:11,761 No gravlax and dill sauce. 464 00:28:12,841 --> 00:28:15,241 No more old bookshops. 465 00:28:19,361 --> 00:28:21,921 We've only got eleven years, and then it's all over. 466 00:28:22,041 --> 00:28:23,201 We have to work together. 467 00:28:24,721 --> 00:28:27,081 It's the end of the world we're talking about. 468 00:28:27,201 --> 00:28:29,337 It's not some little temptation I've asked you to cover for me 469 00:28:29,361 --> 00:28:31,601 while you're up in Edinburgh for the festival. 470 00:28:31,721 --> 00:28:33,001 - You can't say no. - No! 471 00:28:33,121 --> 00:28:34,801 We can do something. I have an idea. 472 00:28:34,921 --> 00:28:37,161 No! I am notinterested. 473 00:28:38,201 --> 00:28:40,361 Well, let's have lunch. Hmm? 474 00:28:40,481 --> 00:28:42,601 I still owe you one from... 475 00:28:45,041 --> 00:28:46,361 Paris. 476 00:28:46,481 --> 00:28:48,361 1793. 477 00:28:48,481 --> 00:28:49,641 Yes. 478 00:28:49,761 --> 00:28:51,561 The reign of terror. 479 00:28:51,681 --> 00:28:54,561 Was that one of ours or one of yours? 480 00:28:54,681 --> 00:28:56,241 Can't recall. 481 00:28:56,361 --> 00:28:58,561 We had crépes. 482 00:29:05,801 --> 00:29:07,161 Mmm... 483 00:29:09,241 --> 00:29:11,241 That was scrumptious. 484 00:29:12,401 --> 00:29:14,321 So, what are you in the mood for now? 485 00:29:14,441 --> 00:29:15,921 Alcohol. 486 00:29:17,801 --> 00:29:21,121 Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol. 487 00:29:21,241 --> 00:29:24,401 Aziraphale: I have several very nice bottles of chateauneuf-du-pape 488 00:29:24,521 --> 00:29:28,681 in the back. I picked up a dozen cases in 1921, and there's still some left... 489 00:29:28,801 --> 00:29:30,281 For special occasions. 490 00:29:32,441 --> 00:29:35,361 Not very big on wine in heaven, are they, though? 491 00:29:35,481 --> 00:29:39,281 Not going to get any more nice little chateauneuf-du-papes in heaven. 492 00:29:39,401 --> 00:29:41,081 Or single malt scotch. 493 00:29:41,201 --> 00:29:45,001 Or little... little froufrou cocktails with umbrellas. 494 00:29:45,121 --> 00:29:47,521 Crowley, I've told you, I'm not helping you. 495 00:29:47,641 --> 00:29:50,601 I'm not interested. This is purely social. 496 00:29:50,721 --> 00:29:52,441 I am an angel. 497 00:29:52,561 --> 00:29:55,081 You are a demon. We're hereditary enemies. 498 00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:58,961 Get thee behind me, foul fiend! 499 00:29:59,081 --> 00:30:00,801 After you. 500 00:30:01,201 --> 00:30:04,001 Voice of god: That night Arthur and Deirdre young 501 00:30:04,121 --> 00:30:06,401 proudly took the baby they believed was theirs 502 00:30:06,521 --> 00:30:08,841 home to the quiet English village of tadfield 503 00:30:08,961 --> 00:30:13,161 the antichrist had been on earth for 24 hours... 504 00:30:16,081 --> 00:30:17,881 While in London's soho, 505 00:30:18,001 --> 00:30:22,681 an angel and a demon had been drinking solidly for the last six of them. 506 00:30:26,041 --> 00:30:29,441 So, what... what exactly is your point? 507 00:30:29,561 --> 00:30:33,881 My point is... My point is... 508 00:30:34,001 --> 00:30:36,601 Dolphins. That's my point. 509 00:30:36,721 --> 00:30:39,201 Big brains. Size of... 510 00:30:39,321 --> 00:30:41,561 Damn big brains. 511 00:30:41,681 --> 00:30:43,721 Not to mention the whales. 512 00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:46,281 - Brain city, whales. - Kraken. 513 00:30:46,401 --> 00:30:47,401 Ohh... 514 00:30:47,521 --> 00:30:49,841 Great big bugger. 515 00:30:51,121 --> 00:30:55,041 Supposed to rise up to the surface, right... right up, at the end, 516 00:30:55,161 --> 00:30:56,921 when the sea boils. 517 00:30:57,041 --> 00:30:59,161 Well, that's my point! 518 00:30:59,281 --> 00:31:02,761 Whole sea bubbling, the dolphins and whales, 519 00:31:02,881 --> 00:31:07,321 everybody turning into bouillab... bouillab... bouillab... 520 00:31:07,441 --> 00:31:09,441 Bouhl" 521 00:31:09,561 --> 00:31:11,241 fish stew! Anyway, it's not their fault. 522 00:31:11,361 --> 00:31:13,801 And that's... same with gorillas. 523 00:31:13,921 --> 00:31:15,841 They say, like, "woo!" They say a lot of... 524 00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:19,961 "The sky's gone red! There's stars crashing down! 525 00:31:20,081 --> 00:31:22,441 "And what are they putting in bananas these days?" 526 00:31:22,561 --> 00:31:25,881 All creatures great and small. 527 00:31:26,001 --> 00:31:30,081 And you know what's worse? When it's all over, 528 00:31:30,201 --> 00:31:32,441 you've got to deal with... 529 00:31:32,561 --> 00:31:36,041 Eternity! 530 00:31:36,161 --> 00:31:37,441 Eternity? 531 00:31:37,561 --> 00:31:40,321 Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. 532 00:31:40,441 --> 00:31:44,361 Although no Stephen sondheim first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. 533 00:31:44,481 --> 00:31:47,481 Although I have heard rumours that your boss 534 00:31:47,601 --> 00:31:50,921 really loves the sound of music. 535 00:31:51,041 --> 00:31:53,881 Fancy spending eternity watching that? 536 00:31:54,001 --> 00:31:57,521 Could literally climb ev'ry mountain over and over and over and over. 537 00:31:57,641 --> 00:31:58,641 And over and over. 538 00:31:58,721 --> 00:32:01,961 I don't like it any more than you do, but I told you. 539 00:32:02,081 --> 00:32:04,161 Ican't diso... 540 00:32:04,281 --> 00:32:05,561 Not do what I'm told. 541 00:32:05,681 --> 00:32:07,561 I'm an angel. I... 542 00:32:07,681 --> 00:32:10,641 I can't cope with this while I'm drunk. 543 00:32:10,761 --> 00:32:12,081 I'm going to sober up. 544 00:32:12,201 --> 00:32:13,921 Yeah. Me too. 545 00:32:22,521 --> 00:32:24,361 Agh! 546 00:32:29,001 --> 00:32:32,161 Voice of god: Harriet dowling took baby warlock to his new home, 547 00:32:32,281 --> 00:32:34,601 an official London residence. 548 00:32:43,561 --> 00:32:45,401 Our mission is done, lord hastur. 549 00:32:45,521 --> 00:32:48,521 The baby is in place, and his parents are none the wiser. 550 00:32:48,641 --> 00:32:51,601 Well, no need for the convent any longer, then, is there? 551 00:32:51,721 --> 00:32:52,721 I'm afraid I... 552 00:32:52,801 --> 00:32:53,841 - Dissolve. - What? 553 00:32:53,961 --> 00:32:55,561 Your order's dissolved. 554 00:32:55,681 --> 00:32:57,521 - We're what? - Hang on a moment. 555 00:32:57,641 --> 00:33:00,441 We did everything that was asked of us. What about our reward? 556 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:01,721 So irritating. 557 00:33:01,841 --> 00:33:03,401 You never shut up, do you? 558 00:33:03,521 --> 00:33:04,601 We are a chattering order. 559 00:33:04,721 --> 00:33:07,281 We say what is on our minds, and right now, what's on my mind 560 00:33:07,401 --> 00:33:08,761 is that you can't treat us like... 561 00:33:10,641 --> 00:33:13,001 Would you like to tell them that the order is dissolved? 562 00:33:13,121 --> 00:33:15,961 Or would you rather that they all perish in the fire? 563 00:33:16,081 --> 00:33:17,561 What fire? 564 00:33:36,921 --> 00:33:39,201 Even if I wanted to help, I couldn't. 565 00:33:39,321 --> 00:33:42,281 I can't interfere with the divine plan. 566 00:33:42,401 --> 00:33:45,081 Well, what about diabolical plans? 567 00:33:45,201 --> 00:33:49,441 You can't be certain that thwarting me isn't part of the divine plan too. 568 00:33:49,561 --> 00:33:53,001 I mean, you're supposed to thwart the wiles of the evil one 569 00:33:53,121 --> 00:33:55,961 - at every turn, aren't you? - Well... 570 00:33:56,081 --> 00:33:59,001 You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right? 571 00:33:59,121 --> 00:34:01,041 I... broadly. 572 00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:04,121 Actually, I encourage humans to do the actual... 573 00:34:04,241 --> 00:34:06,561 Look, the antichrist has been born. 574 00:34:06,681 --> 00:34:09,761 But it's the upbringing that's important. The influences. 575 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:13,241 The evil influences, that's all going to be me. 576 00:34:15,121 --> 00:34:18,801 It would be too bad if someone made sure that I failed. 577 00:34:25,001 --> 00:34:26,481 If you put it thatway... 578 00:34:28,081 --> 00:34:31,881 Heaven couldn't actually object if I was thwarting you. 579 00:34:33,121 --> 00:34:35,241 It'd be a real feather in your wing. 580 00:34:44,841 --> 00:34:47,321 We'd be godfathers... sort of. 581 00:34:47,441 --> 00:34:49,601 Overseeing his upbringing. 582 00:34:49,721 --> 00:34:51,881 If we do it right, he won't be evil. 583 00:34:52,001 --> 00:34:54,761 Or good. He'lljust be normal. 584 00:34:54,881 --> 00:34:56,441 Yes. It might work. 585 00:34:57,961 --> 00:34:59,441 Godfathers. 586 00:35:00,721 --> 00:35:02,641 Well, I'll be damned. 587 00:35:02,761 --> 00:35:05,441 It's not that bad, when you get used to it. 588 00:35:16,761 --> 00:35:19,081 I understand you need a nanny. 589 00:35:22,801 --> 00:35:25,681 They do say as you might be looking for a gardener. 590 00:35:31,481 --> 00:35:34,481 Oh, young master warlock! 591 00:35:34,601 --> 00:35:36,961 You're growing fast. 592 00:35:38,041 --> 00:35:39,841 You must be all of, er... 593 00:35:39,961 --> 00:35:42,161 Five. I'm five. 594 00:35:43,681 --> 00:35:44,721 What's that? 595 00:35:44,841 --> 00:35:47,081 Oh, that's brother pigeon. 596 00:35:50,121 --> 00:35:51,121 And brother snail. 597 00:35:52,201 --> 00:35:54,601 Ooh, and sister slug. 598 00:35:54,721 --> 00:35:59,881 Now, you remember, young warlock, 599 00:36:00,001 --> 00:36:01,841 as you grow, 600 00:36:01,961 --> 00:36:08,161 to have love and reverence for all living things. 601 00:36:08,281 --> 00:36:09,961 Nanny says living things 602 00:36:10,081 --> 00:36:14,121 are only fit to be ground under my heels, brother Francis. 603 00:36:14,241 --> 00:36:17,121 Well, don't you listen to her. 604 00:36:17,241 --> 00:36:19,241 You listen to me. 605 00:36:27,681 --> 00:36:30,081 Will you sing me a lullaby, nanny? 606 00:36:30,201 --> 00:36:31,601 Of course, dear. 607 00:36:34,041 --> 00:36:37,681 ♪ Go to sleep 608 00:36:37,801 --> 00:36:41,321 ♪ and dream of pain 609 00:36:41,441 --> 00:36:45,641 ♪ doom and darkness 610 00:36:45,761 --> 00:36:48,801 ♪ blood and brains 611 00:36:48,921 --> 00:36:52,601 ♪ sleep so sweet 612 00:36:52,721 --> 00:36:56,481 ♪ my darling boy 613 00:36:56,601 --> 00:36:59,801 ♪ you will rule 614 00:36:59,921 --> 00:37:03,281 ♪ when earth's destroyed... ♪ 615 00:37:03,401 --> 00:37:07,521 The gardener says that I must be kind and nice to everybody... 616 00:37:08,881 --> 00:37:10,761 Even sister slug, 617 00:37:10,881 --> 00:37:13,321 and not everdestroy the earth. 618 00:37:13,441 --> 00:37:15,401 Don't listen to him. 619 00:37:15,521 --> 00:37:17,921 Listen to me. 620 00:37:19,201 --> 00:37:22,601 Voice of god: There are many doors that will take you to heaven or to hell, 621 00:37:22,721 --> 00:37:25,601 but when crowley and aziraphale report in an official capacity 622 00:37:25,721 --> 00:37:27,801 to their respective head offices, 623 00:37:27,921 --> 00:37:29,601 they take the main entrance. 624 00:37:37,561 --> 00:37:39,601 Tell us about the boy, warlock! 625 00:37:39,721 --> 00:37:42,401 He's a remarkable child, lord beelzebub. 626 00:37:42,521 --> 00:37:44,561 But is he evil? 627 00:37:44,681 --> 00:37:45,961 Fantastically evil. 628 00:37:46,081 --> 00:37:49,081 - Killed anyone yet? - Uh... not yet. 629 00:37:49,201 --> 00:37:51,521 But there's more to evil than just killing people, eh? 630 00:37:53,041 --> 00:37:55,001 I suppose. But it's fun. 631 00:37:55,121 --> 00:37:58,121 Have you encountered any problems from the... 632 00:37:59,201 --> 00:38:00,201 Opposition? 633 00:38:00,241 --> 00:38:04,161 They don't suspect a thing. 634 00:38:04,561 --> 00:38:08,601 I am proud to say that, on a very real level, 635 00:38:08,721 --> 00:38:13,681 the antichrist child is now being influenced towards the light. 636 00:38:13,801 --> 00:38:16,241 Very commendable, aziraphale. 637 00:38:16,361 --> 00:38:18,161 - Excellent work, as usual. - Yes. 638 00:38:18,281 --> 00:38:22,801 But aziraphale, we will be most understanding when you fail. 639 00:38:22,921 --> 00:38:26,001 After all, wars are to be won. 640 00:38:26,121 --> 00:38:27,361 Not avoided. 641 00:38:27,481 --> 00:38:29,641 But... but I won't fail. 642 00:38:29,761 --> 00:38:31,481 I mean, that would be bad. 643 00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,241 Aziraphale, 644 00:38:33,361 --> 00:38:37,921 what you're doing is praiseworthy, but obviously doomed to failure. 645 00:38:39,961 --> 00:38:42,841 Still, as the almighty likes to say, 646 00:38:42,961 --> 00:38:45,881 climb ev'ry mountain. 647 00:38:48,721 --> 00:38:50,241 Ford every stream. 648 00:39:03,041 --> 00:39:04,681 The boy's too normal. 649 00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:07,241 Excellent. It's working. 650 00:39:07,361 --> 00:39:10,321 The heavenly influences are balancing out the hellish. 651 00:39:10,441 --> 00:39:11,761 A no-score draw. 652 00:39:12,801 --> 00:39:15,241 I hope you're right. Only six years left to go. 653 00:39:15,361 --> 00:39:16,881 - Crowley? - Yeah? 654 00:39:17,001 --> 00:39:21,001 I mean, if he comes into his full power... 655 00:39:21,121 --> 00:39:24,281 How do... how do we stop him, then? 656 00:39:25,481 --> 00:39:27,601 I'm sure it won't come to that. 657 00:39:53,761 --> 00:39:56,921 - He's big. - He's the biggest we've got. 658 00:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,401 Only the best for our young master-to-be. 659 00:39:59,521 --> 00:40:01,481 Do you think he's hungry? 660 00:40:01,601 --> 00:40:03,601 Only one way to find out. 661 00:40:05,401 --> 00:40:07,281 - You, get in there. - Me? 662 00:40:07,401 --> 00:40:08,401 Yes, yes. You. 663 00:40:13,521 --> 00:40:14,801 Watch out for his teeth. 664 00:40:14,921 --> 00:40:17,281 Ooh. 665 00:40:19,841 --> 00:40:22,201 It's not like you didn't tell him to look out for the teeth. 666 00:40:23,681 --> 00:40:25,161 I think he was hungry. 667 00:40:26,681 --> 00:40:28,521 Warlock, are you listening to me, honey? 668 00:40:28,641 --> 00:40:30,961 Look what they used to think dinosaurs looked like. 669 00:40:31,081 --> 00:40:32,521 - Whatever. - They're old, 670 00:40:32,641 --> 00:40:34,241 - and educational. - It's dumb. 671 00:40:34,361 --> 00:40:36,121 It's not dumb, sweetie. It's a dinosaur. 672 00:40:36,241 --> 00:40:37,881 A dumb-asaur, more like. 673 00:40:38,001 --> 00:40:39,881 Can we talk about my birthday party? 674 00:40:40,001 --> 00:40:41,881 Why can't we have my party in an escape room? 675 00:40:43,361 --> 00:40:45,721 Honey, for the last time, we've already hired... 676 00:40:45,841 --> 00:40:46,961 But mom... 677 00:40:47,081 --> 00:40:49,521 Crowley: Well, we've done everything we can. 678 00:40:50,641 --> 00:40:53,281 All we can do now is wait for his birthday. 679 00:40:53,401 --> 00:40:55,321 The hell-hound will be the key. 680 00:40:55,441 --> 00:40:57,521 Shows up at three on Wednesday. 681 00:40:58,561 --> 00:40:59,641 Right. 682 00:40:59,761 --> 00:41:01,921 You've never actually mentioned a hell-hound before. 683 00:41:03,121 --> 00:41:04,281 Oh, well, yeah. 684 00:41:04,401 --> 00:41:06,481 Yeah, they're sending him a hell-hound 685 00:41:06,601 --> 00:41:09,641 to pad by his side and guard him from all harm. 686 00:41:09,761 --> 00:41:10,881 Yeah. 687 00:41:11,001 --> 00:41:12,081 Biggest one they've got. 688 00:41:12,201 --> 00:41:15,441 Won't people remark on the sudden appearance of a huge black dog? 689 00:41:15,561 --> 00:41:17,161 His parents, for a start. 690 00:41:17,281 --> 00:41:19,441 No-one will notice anything. 691 00:41:19,561 --> 00:41:21,161 It's reality, angel. 692 00:41:21,281 --> 00:41:24,121 And young warlock can do what he likes with that, 693 00:41:24,241 --> 00:41:25,561 whether he knows it or not. 694 00:41:27,201 --> 00:41:29,401 It's the start of it all. The boy's meant to name it. 695 00:41:30,561 --> 00:41:33,521 Stalks by night, throat-ripper, something like that. 696 00:41:33,641 --> 00:41:36,601 But if you and I have done ourjob properly, 697 00:41:36,721 --> 00:41:38,601 then he'll send it away unnamed. 698 00:41:39,721 --> 00:41:42,041 - What if he does name it? - Then you and I have lost. 699 00:41:42,161 --> 00:41:44,521 He'll have all his powers, and armageddon will be days away. 700 00:41:46,121 --> 00:41:48,041 There must be some way of stopping it. 701 00:41:49,361 --> 00:41:51,161 If there was no boy... 702 00:41:51,281 --> 00:41:53,721 Then the process would stop. 703 00:41:53,841 --> 00:41:55,201 Yes, but there isa boy. 704 00:41:55,321 --> 00:41:59,001 He's over there writing a rude word on a description of a dinosaur. 705 00:41:59,121 --> 00:42:00,801 Well, there is a boy now. 706 00:42:00,921 --> 00:42:02,521 That could change. 707 00:42:04,521 --> 00:42:06,561 Something could happen to him. 708 00:42:09,921 --> 00:42:11,241 I'm saying you could kill him. 709 00:42:15,081 --> 00:42:19,401 I've never actually... killed anything. 710 00:42:23,441 --> 00:42:25,081 I don't think I could. 711 00:42:26,361 --> 00:42:29,801 Not even to save everything? 712 00:42:31,881 --> 00:42:34,921 One life against the universe? 713 00:42:40,401 --> 00:42:42,721 This hell-hound. 714 00:42:42,841 --> 00:42:45,481 - It'll show up at his birthday party? - Yeah. 715 00:42:45,601 --> 00:42:48,601 Well, then we should be there. Maybe I can stop the dog. 716 00:42:48,721 --> 00:42:50,961 In fact, I could entertain. 717 00:42:51,081 --> 00:42:52,921 No, no, no. Please, no. No. 718 00:42:53,041 --> 00:42:54,537 I just need to get back into practice. 719 00:42:54,561 --> 00:42:56,641 Oh, no, no. Don't do your magic act. 720 00:42:56,761 --> 00:42:57,761 - Please. - Wah! 721 00:42:57,881 --> 00:42:59,361 Please! I am actually begging you. 722 00:42:59,481 --> 00:43:01,681 You've no idea how demeaning that is. Please. 723 00:43:03,041 --> 00:43:04,121 Wah... 724 00:43:04,241 --> 00:43:05,697 - In your finger. - No, it was in your ear. 725 00:43:05,721 --> 00:43:08,841 - It was in your pocket, then... - It was... close to your ear. 726 00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:10,561 Never anywhere near my ear. 727 00:43:10,681 --> 00:43:11,801 You're no fun. 728 00:43:11,921 --> 00:43:13,441 - Fun? - Yes. 729 00:43:13,561 --> 00:43:14,881 It's humiliating. 730 00:43:15,001 --> 00:43:17,601 You can do proper magic. You can make things disappear. 731 00:43:17,721 --> 00:43:19,081 But it's not as fun. 732 00:43:19,201 --> 00:43:20,281 Make you disappear. 733 00:43:21,681 --> 00:43:24,201 Where has he got to? Is he in here? 734 00:43:24,321 --> 00:43:25,881 Somewhere? 735 00:43:27,041 --> 00:43:28,201 There he is! 736 00:43:29,921 --> 00:43:31,401 We'll come back to that one. 737 00:43:31,521 --> 00:43:34,121 You sees me old top hat? But wait. 738 00:43:37,121 --> 00:43:38,601 What's this? 739 00:43:40,121 --> 00:43:43,481 Could it be our old furry friend... 740 00:43:44,761 --> 00:43:46,481 Harry the rabbit? 741 00:43:47,761 --> 00:43:49,241 It was in the table. 742 00:43:49,361 --> 00:43:51,641 You said there was gonna be a celebrity magician. 743 00:43:51,761 --> 00:43:53,921 I had penn & teller at my party 744 00:43:54,041 --> 00:43:55,761 and I had a silent disco 745 00:43:55,881 --> 00:43:57,761 - and I got a... - You're rubbish. 746 00:43:57,881 --> 00:44:00,121 Excuse me. Excuse me! 747 00:44:00,241 --> 00:44:01,481 He's right, you know. 748 00:44:01,601 --> 00:44:03,801 You are actually rubbish. 749 00:44:03,921 --> 00:44:06,161 Five, four, 750 00:44:06,281 --> 00:44:10,481 three, two, one... 751 00:44:12,321 --> 00:44:13,601 The time is upon us. 752 00:44:13,721 --> 00:44:15,921 As soon as the boy names the hound, 753 00:44:16,041 --> 00:44:17,721 armageddon will begin. 754 00:44:21,841 --> 00:44:23,281 Find your master. 755 00:44:28,961 --> 00:44:30,361 He's not back yet? 756 00:44:30,481 --> 00:44:32,601 He's down in hogback wood playing with his friends. 757 00:44:32,721 --> 00:44:34,521 I've told him to be home by teatime. 758 00:44:34,641 --> 00:44:37,161 Right. Well, give me a shout when he gets back, 759 00:44:37,281 --> 00:44:40,201 - and then we can light the candles. - Oh, you...! 760 00:44:53,001 --> 00:44:57,241 That was the best 11th birthday ever. 761 00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:58,601 It was all a bit of a disaster, 762 00:44:58,641 --> 00:45:00,481 - I'm afraid. - Nonsense. 763 00:45:00,601 --> 00:45:02,017 You gave them all a party to remember. 764 00:45:02,041 --> 00:45:04,281 Last one any of them will ever have, mind. 765 00:45:04,401 --> 00:45:05,401 It's late. 766 00:45:05,481 --> 00:45:07,441 Comes of putting it up your sleeve. 767 00:45:08,841 --> 00:45:12,081 Radio: Sky is still the subject there are 42 seconds available. 768 00:45:12,201 --> 00:45:14,217 - The hell-hound. - Can you tell us something about... 769 00:45:14,241 --> 00:45:15,721 - It's late. - The isle of Skye, 770 00:45:15,841 --> 00:45:17,241 and your time starts... 771 00:45:18,601 --> 00:45:19,601 Hello, crowley. 772 00:45:19,721 --> 00:45:21,161 Hi. Who's this? 773 00:45:21,281 --> 00:45:22,321 Dagon. 774 00:45:22,441 --> 00:45:23,761 Lord of the files. 775 00:45:23,881 --> 00:45:25,281 Master of t orments. 776 00:45:25,401 --> 00:45:27,841 Yeah. Just checking in about the hell-hound. 777 00:45:27,961 --> 00:45:29,361 He should be with you by now. 778 00:45:29,481 --> 00:45:32,601 Why? Has something gone wrong, crowley? 779 00:45:32,721 --> 00:45:35,241 Wrong? No. No, nothing's wrong. What could be wrong? 780 00:45:35,361 --> 00:45:36,841 Oh, no, I see him now. 781 00:45:36,961 --> 00:45:39,521 Yes, what a lovely big helly hell-hound. 782 00:45:39,641 --> 00:45:41,681 Yes, ok, great talking to you. 783 00:45:43,521 --> 00:45:44,601 No dog. 784 00:45:45,841 --> 00:45:46,881 No dog. 785 00:45:48,161 --> 00:45:49,681 Wrong boy. 786 00:45:52,281 --> 00:45:54,281 Wrong boy. 787 00:45:54,401 --> 00:45:57,641 Voice of god: The right boy was playing in the woods with his friends. 788 00:45:57,761 --> 00:45:59,881 After all, it was his birthday. 789 00:46:00,001 --> 00:46:02,561 Hogback wood was their Eden, where they could play, 790 00:46:02,681 --> 00:46:04,281 unbothered by adults. 791 00:46:04,401 --> 00:46:07,281 The children called themselves the them. 792 00:46:07,401 --> 00:46:09,561 Pepper and Brian, 793 00:46:09,681 --> 00:46:11,001 wensleydale, 794 00:46:11,121 --> 00:46:12,561 and the birthday boy, 795 00:46:12,681 --> 00:46:16,961 their leader who found their den and invented the best games of all. 796 00:46:17,081 --> 00:46:18,521 A dam. 797 00:46:27,641 --> 00:46:30,761 It's my birthday. Of course I'm going to get a dog. 798 00:46:30,881 --> 00:46:33,481 You never get what you want. I wanted a bike, 799 00:46:33,601 --> 00:46:37,361 and I asked for it, and I told them I wanted a razorblade saddle 800 00:46:37,481 --> 00:46:38,801 and 12 gears and everything. 801 00:46:38,921 --> 00:46:40,761 And do you know what they got me? 802 00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,441 A girl's bike. With a basket. 803 00:46:43,561 --> 00:46:45,561 But you are actually a girl, pepper. 804 00:46:45,681 --> 00:46:47,041 That's just sexist. 805 00:46:47,161 --> 00:46:50,761 - I want a dog. - Oh, right. And your mum and dad 806 00:46:50,881 --> 00:46:52,617 are just going to get you a big old rottenweiler, then, Adam? 807 00:46:52,641 --> 00:46:54,201 I don't want a big dog. 808 00:46:55,601 --> 00:46:58,121 I want the kind of dog you can have fun with. A little dog. 809 00:46:59,801 --> 00:47:01,601 I want a dog that's brilliantly intelligent 810 00:47:01,721 --> 00:47:03,801 and can go down rabbit holes and I can teach tricks. 811 00:47:03,921 --> 00:47:06,841 And I'll call him... 812 00:47:06,961 --> 00:47:08,561 Voice of god: And this is the moment 813 00:47:08,681 --> 00:47:09,721 the naming. 814 00:47:09,841 --> 00:47:12,801 This will give it its purpose, its function, its identity. 815 00:47:12,921 --> 00:47:16,641 This is the moment that sets armageddon into motion. 816 00:47:18,321 --> 00:47:22,921 The hell-hound growls a low rumbling snarl of spring-coiled menace. 817 00:47:23,041 --> 00:47:25,721 The sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat 818 00:47:25,841 --> 00:47:27,961 and ends up deep in someone else 's. 819 00:47:28,081 --> 00:47:29,321 I think I'll call him dog. 820 00:47:33,041 --> 00:47:34,081 Saves a lot of trouble, 821 00:47:34,201 --> 00:47:35,561 - a name like that. - And what? 822 00:47:35,681 --> 00:47:37,001 This dog's just going to turn up? 823 00:47:37,081 --> 00:47:38,321 Maybe. 824 00:47:43,681 --> 00:47:44,961 Here, boy. Come on. 825 00:48:03,841 --> 00:48:07,681 Crowley: Armageddon is days away, and we've lost the antichrist. 826 00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:11,921 Why did the powers of hell have to drag me into this anyway? 827 00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:13,481 Well, don't quote me on this, 828 00:48:13,601 --> 00:48:16,481 but I'm pretty sure it's because of all those memos you kept sending them 829 00:48:16,561 --> 00:48:18,721 saying how amazingly well you were doing. 830 00:48:18,841 --> 00:48:20,321 Is it my fault they never check up? 831 00:48:20,441 --> 00:48:22,361 I'm to blame they never check up? 832 00:48:22,481 --> 00:48:26,921 Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office, you know that. 833 00:48:27,041 --> 00:48:29,337 Yes, but you told them you invented the Spanish inquisition 834 00:48:29,361 --> 00:48:31,681 and started the second world war. 835 00:48:31,801 --> 00:48:34,041 So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault. 836 00:48:35,601 --> 00:48:37,321 Something's changed. 837 00:48:37,441 --> 00:48:39,721 Oh, it's a new Cologne. My barber suggested... 838 00:48:39,841 --> 00:48:41,841 I know what you smell like. 839 00:48:45,481 --> 00:48:47,201 The hell-hound has found its master. 840 00:48:47,321 --> 00:48:48,961 Are you sure? 841 00:48:49,081 --> 00:48:51,321 - I felt it. Would I lie to you? - Obviously. 842 00:48:51,441 --> 00:48:53,201 You're a demon. That's what you do. 843 00:48:53,321 --> 00:48:54,521 Well, I'm not lying. 844 00:48:54,641 --> 00:48:57,441 The boy, wherever he is, has the dog. 845 00:48:57,561 --> 00:48:58,761 He's named it. 846 00:48:58,881 --> 00:49:00,161 It's done. 847 00:49:00,281 --> 00:49:01,721 He's coming into his power. 848 00:49:03,201 --> 00:49:04,481 We're doomed. 849 00:49:05,721 --> 00:49:06,841 Well, then. 850 00:49:08,121 --> 00:49:09,921 Welcome to the end times.