1 00:00:07,001 --> 00:00:09,201 Captain's log, pleasure cruiser morbillo. 2 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:13,081 We were sailing south-southwest on course for Havana 3 00:00:13,201 --> 00:00:15,001 when we realised something was amiss. 4 00:00:15,121 --> 00:00:17,241 Man: What's that on the horizon? 5 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,001 But that's impossible. 6 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,961 Captain: It appears a vast expanse of seabed 7 00:00:36,081 --> 00:00:37,881 has risen beneath us in the night. 8 00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:41,161 Strange people in long robes and diving helmets na ve come aboard 9 00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:43,401 the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, 10 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:46,201 who think that we have organised this for their amusement. 11 00:00:48,401 --> 00:00:51,441 The high priest has just won the guoits contest 12 00:00:51,561 --> 00:00:55,361 voices whispering: Make it happen. Make it real. 13 00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:59,201 Make it happen. Make it real. 14 00:00:59,321 --> 00:01:02,481 Make it happen. Make it real. 15 00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:04,001 Make it happen... 16 00:01:04,121 --> 00:01:06,001 Make it real... 17 00:01:06,121 --> 00:01:08,001 - Make it happen... - Make it real... 18 00:01:11,601 --> 00:01:12,881 Adam, I still don't understand 19 00:01:13,001 --> 00:01:15,281 the thing you were telling us about alien spaceships. 20 00:01:15,401 --> 00:01:18,521 If I was an alien, iwouldn't be going around giving messages 21 00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:20,961 of universal peace and goodwill. 22 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,041 I'd say, "this is a laser blaster. 23 00:01:24,161 --> 00:01:26,961 "Prepare to die, rebel swine!" 24 00:01:27,081 --> 00:01:30,081 I'd say that, too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer. 25 00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:31,921 Or, "exterminate!" 26 00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,041 Obviously, the aliens used to do that. 27 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,641 Now they give messages of global peace and cosmic Harmony, 28 00:01:36,761 --> 00:01:38,761 - and the government hushes it all up. - Why? 29 00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:41,481 It's what they do. They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors, 30 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,601 and the people from Tibet who have secret tunnels 31 00:01:43,721 --> 00:01:45,721 and are listening to everything we say. 32 00:01:45,841 --> 00:01:48,121 Adam, I don't think this stuff is, 33 00:01:48,241 --> 00:01:49,601 you know... 34 00:01:49,721 --> 00:01:50,721 Real. 35 00:01:53,641 --> 00:01:55,441 Things on the Internet can be made up. 36 00:01:55,561 --> 00:01:57,041 This is magazines. 37 00:01:57,161 --> 00:01:59,641 Of course it's real, just like the city of Atlantis. 38 00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:01,721 Actually, I don't think Atlantis is a thing. 39 00:02:01,841 --> 00:02:03,481 It's under the sea. And people live there. 40 00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,921 How can they breathe? 41 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,601 I bet they wear diving helmets. 42 00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:08,721 - Adam: That's right. - Do you believe that's true? 43 00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,481 Of course it's true. What I say is true. 44 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,641 TV news anchor: That's not the only news we 're hearing from the ocean. 45 00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:24,601 Some initial reports claim that the land that's risen in the Atlantic 46 00:02:24,721 --> 00:02:26,761 is the sunken continent of a tlantis. 47 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,601 This photograph of so-called a tlanteans 48 00:02:29,721 --> 00:02:32,281 has been posted by passengers on a holiday cruise ship. 49 00:02:32,401 --> 00:02:34,841 Strange times indeed. 50 00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:09,801 Hmm. 51 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,961 - It's me. - I know it's you, aziraphale. 52 00:04:18,081 --> 00:04:22,041 Oh, yes, right. Look, we need to get word upstairs to the... 53 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,121 To the... to the big boss. 54 00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,281 There... there's been prophecies. 55 00:04:26,401 --> 00:04:28,521 What's in human prophecies that matters to us? 56 00:04:28,641 --> 00:04:32,121 Well, er, the kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor. 57 00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:34,561 So does Atlantis. And the rainforests return. 58 00:04:34,681 --> 00:04:36,561 And that's just for starters. 59 00:04:36,681 --> 00:04:38,081 Armageddon is coming, 60 00:04:38,201 --> 00:04:40,881 and I'm fairly certain it starts today. Just after teatime. 61 00:04:41,001 --> 00:04:43,001 Exactly. Right on schedule. What's your point? 62 00:04:43,121 --> 00:04:45,361 Look, will you please stop, just for a minute? Please. 63 00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,241 - Well? - I just... 64 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,321 I just thought there was something we could do. 65 00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,921 There is. We can fight. And we can win. 66 00:04:58,041 --> 00:04:59,561 But there doesn't have to be a war. 67 00:04:59,681 --> 00:05:02,601 Of course there does. Otherwise, how would we win it? 68 00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,401 Now, look, wrap up whatever you need to wrap up down here. 69 00:05:06,521 --> 00:05:09,401 Report back to active service and... 70 00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,761 Lose the gut. 71 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:14,921 Come on. 72 00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:17,281 You're a lean, mean fighting machine! 73 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:18,921 What are ya? 74 00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,121 I'm soft. 75 00:05:27,681 --> 00:05:29,657 Almost forgot. According to our records, 76 00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:32,121 you were issued a flaming sword? 77 00:05:32,241 --> 00:05:33,761 You didn't lose that? 78 00:05:33,881 --> 00:05:36,201 What, like I... 79 00:05:36,321 --> 00:05:39,441 I'd just give it away... or something? 80 00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:48,401 Voice of god: Two items have been delivered 81 00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:50,641 two horsemen are preparing to ride. 82 00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:53,681 The last two deliveries still need to be made. 83 00:05:54,801 --> 00:05:55,961 Leslie. 84 00:05:56,081 --> 00:05:58,081 - Come back to bed. - I can't, love. 85 00:05:58,201 --> 00:05:59,521 I've got deliveries to make. 86 00:05:59,641 --> 00:06:01,921 On a Saturday morning? 87 00:06:02,041 --> 00:06:04,601 Well, at least it's local. Two jobs and I'm done. 88 00:06:04,721 --> 00:06:06,001 Maud: Leslie...! 89 00:06:06,121 --> 00:06:07,801 Who are these deliveries for? 90 00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:09,681 I don't know, love. 91 00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,361 Someone important. 92 00:06:11,481 --> 00:06:14,161 Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago. 93 00:06:14,281 --> 00:06:17,161 - They were joking. - Well, the company's only 80 years old. 94 00:06:17,281 --> 00:06:18,801 But I saw the paperwork. 95 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,361 Anyway, 96 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,841 ours is not to reason why. 97 00:06:23,961 --> 00:06:25,121 Ours... 98 00:06:26,401 --> 00:06:28,521 Is to deliver packages. 99 00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,361 I love you... 100 00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:32,601 Tiger. 101 00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:34,641 I love you, maud. 102 00:06:49,121 --> 00:06:50,641 I may be out of line here, 103 00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:53,681 but I've been following up on aziraphale's comments 104 00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,401 during our last meeting. 105 00:06:57,201 --> 00:07:00,881 I went back through the earth observation files. 106 00:07:06,001 --> 00:07:09,001 I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation. 107 00:07:09,121 --> 00:07:12,441 'Course. Would you have any objection to me following this up 108 00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:13,761 using back channels? 109 00:07:13,881 --> 00:07:15,561 There are no back channels, Michael. 110 00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:29,921 Michael: It's me. 111 00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:31,321 It's our man aziraphale. 112 00:07:31,441 --> 00:07:33,761 Is there any possibility he's working for you? 113 00:07:36,761 --> 00:07:41,241 Well, then, you might want to investigate the activities of the demon crowley. 114 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,721 Might be playing his own game. Word to the wise. 115 00:07:46,321 --> 00:07:49,521 No, I'm... I'm telling you, you can't trust him. 116 00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:56,401 Of course you can trust me. 117 00:07:57,401 --> 00:07:58,841 I'm an angel. 118 00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:09,721 Crowley, crowley, crowley... 119 00:08:12,441 --> 00:08:14,921 What have you been playing at? 120 00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:22,561 Crowley: Where should I go? 121 00:08:25,921 --> 00:08:27,681 England's out. 122 00:08:30,361 --> 00:08:32,441 America's out. 123 00:08:32,561 --> 00:08:38,401 Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday. It exists today. Still out. 124 00:08:41,241 --> 00:08:42,881 The moon. 125 00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:45,641 No atmosphere. No nightlife. 126 00:08:45,761 --> 00:08:48,361 Alpha centauri. 127 00:08:49,641 --> 00:08:51,881 That's always nice this time of year. 128 00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:54,601 Beautiful nebula. 129 00:08:54,721 --> 00:08:56,321 Look at that. 130 00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:58,841 I helped build that one. 131 00:09:00,321 --> 00:09:02,521 I only ever asked questions. 132 00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:06,801 That's all it took to be a demon in the old days. 133 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,161 Great plan? 134 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,761 God, you listening? 135 00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:11,761 Show me a great plan. 136 00:09:14,561 --> 00:09:16,441 Ok, I know, you're testing them. 137 00:09:16,561 --> 00:09:19,121 You said you were going to be testing them. 138 00:09:19,241 --> 00:09:21,881 But you shouldn't test them to destruction. 139 00:09:25,201 --> 00:09:26,601 Not to the end of the world. 140 00:09:53,441 --> 00:09:55,281 Shouldn't be allowed. 141 00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:56,841 Bloody lorries. 142 00:09:58,521 --> 00:10:00,961 No respect for other road users. 143 00:10:02,921 --> 00:10:05,841 Voice of god: [N the old days, and it wasn't that long ago, really, 144 00:10:05,961 --> 00:10:07,961 there was an angler every dozen yards, 145 00:10:08,081 --> 00:10:09,521 children played here, 146 00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:11,401 courting couples came here to hold hands 147 00:10:11,521 --> 00:10:14,201 and to get all lovey-dovey in the Sussex sunset. 148 00:10:14,321 --> 00:10:17,641 He did that with maud before they were married. 149 00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:19,361 They came here to spoon 150 00:10:19,481 --> 00:10:22,521 and on one memorable occasion, fork. 151 00:10:24,761 --> 00:10:26,121 Party by the name of chalky, sir? 152 00:10:27,281 --> 00:10:29,041 Look at that river. 153 00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,201 Leslie: Yes, sir. It's the pollution. 154 00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:34,241 Progress, you could call it. 155 00:10:34,361 --> 00:10:38,761 It's just so... damn beautiful. 156 00:10:38,881 --> 00:10:41,481 It's a funny old world, though, isn't it? And no mistake. 157 00:10:41,601 --> 00:10:44,721 I mean, you go all over the world delivering, 158 00:10:44,841 --> 00:10:47,081 and then you wind up practically in your own backyard, 159 00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:49,561 so to speak. I've been to Africa, 160 00:10:49,681 --> 00:10:51,201 and des moines. 161 00:10:51,321 --> 00:10:52,321 That's in america, sir. 162 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:53,721 And now, here I am. 163 00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,121 And here's your parcel, sir. 164 00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:56,401 You have to sign for it. 165 00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,041 There you go. 166 00:10:58,161 --> 00:11:00,161 Red sky in the morning, Shepherd's warning. 167 00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:02,241 Or is it sailor's warning? 168 00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,521 Everybody's warning. 169 00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:06,521 Voice of god: The third of the four horsemen 170 00:11:06,641 --> 00:11:09,201 took over when pestilence retired. 171 00:11:09,321 --> 00:11:10,561 Erm... 172 00:11:10,681 --> 00:11:13,081 Voice of god: They've had lots of interesting jobs 173 00:11:13,201 --> 00:11:15,481 in lots of interesting places. 174 00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:19,481 Helped design the petrol engine, plastics and hi-tech weedkillers. 175 00:11:19,601 --> 00:11:23,041 They've killed as many people as famine or as war. 176 00:11:23,161 --> 00:11:25,201 This is pollution. 177 00:12:47,921 --> 00:12:49,681 That one nearly had me. 178 00:12:54,521 --> 00:12:56,881 Death: I'm afraid so. 179 00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:02,641 I've got a message for you, sir. 180 00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:05,241 It's not a package. 181 00:13:06,201 --> 00:13:07,361 It's a message. 182 00:13:07,481 --> 00:13:09,081 Deliver it, then. 183 00:13:09,201 --> 00:13:11,001 It's just this. 184 00:13:13,441 --> 00:13:14,641 "Come and see." 185 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,801 Finally! 186 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,441 What does it mean, sir? 187 00:13:18,561 --> 00:13:20,601 It's a call to action. 188 00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:22,601 War and famine. 189 00:13:22,721 --> 00:13:27,441 Pollution and death. Today, we ride. 190 00:13:27,561 --> 00:13:29,481 Now, don't think of it as dying. 191 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:33,161 Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush. 192 00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:47,081 Have you got any more of the newaguarians? 193 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:49,081 Cos... we need to know everything. 194 00:13:49,201 --> 00:13:51,641 You read the ones I gave you already? 195 00:13:51,761 --> 00:13:54,001 Yeah, sure. Hold on. 196 00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:58,361 Do you kids want some candy? 197 00:13:58,481 --> 00:13:59,481 It's chocolate. 198 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:05,161 - We don't take sweets from... - Witches. 199 00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:07,641 I do. 200 00:14:08,921 --> 00:14:11,177 Man on radio: And he's back on the line to James naughtie. 201 00:14:11,201 --> 00:14:13,361 Second man on radio: So, could what happened 202 00:14:13,481 --> 00:14:16,361 at turning point nuclear power station be terrorist activity? 203 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,961 Third man on radio: Couldbe/ 204 00:14:18,081 --> 00:14:20,561 all we need to do is find some terrorists capable of remo ving 205 00:14:20,681 --> 00:14:23,561 an entire nuclear reactor while it's still running 206 00:14:23,681 --> 00:14:25,481 without anyone noticing. 207 00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:29,761 Secon d man: How can it still be producing electricity if it hasn't got any reactors? 208 00:14:29,881 --> 00:14:31,081 Third man: We don't know that. 209 00:14:31,201 --> 00:14:34,561 We were hoping you clever buggers at the BBC would have an idea. 210 00:14:37,201 --> 00:14:38,201 Attention! 211 00:14:39,881 --> 00:14:40,961 This is our country. 212 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,601 It's under our protection. 213 00:14:42,721 --> 00:14:43,801 Wish I was going with you. 214 00:14:43,921 --> 00:14:46,441 I'm too old now. 215 00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:49,721 No more lying in the bracken, spying on their evil ways. 216 00:14:49,841 --> 00:14:52,961 It's all up to you now, witchfinder private pulsifer. 217 00:14:53,081 --> 00:14:56,041 Find this Adam young and keep an eye on him. 218 00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:57,641 Shouldn't there be a few more of us 219 00:14:57,761 --> 00:15:00,721 if we're protecting the entire country from witches? 220 00:15:00,841 --> 00:15:03,961 Nobody said it would be easy, private pulsifer. 221 00:15:04,081 --> 00:15:05,681 Here. Put this on. 222 00:15:14,201 --> 00:15:16,641 Pendulum of discovery. 223 00:15:16,761 --> 00:15:18,961 Pendulum of discovery. 224 00:15:19,081 --> 00:15:20,481 Thumbscrews. 225 00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:22,281 - Oh, I-I don't think I'll... - Thumbscrew! 226 00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:23,641 Thumbscrew. 227 00:15:23,761 --> 00:15:24,761 Firelighters. 228 00:15:24,881 --> 00:15:26,961 I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone. 229 00:15:27,081 --> 00:15:28,881 - Firelighters! - Firelighters. 230 00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:30,481 - Bell. - Bell. 231 00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,921 - Book. - Book. 232 00:15:33,041 --> 00:15:34,081 And candle. 233 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,481 Bell. Book. Candle. 234 00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:37,601 What are they for? 235 00:15:37,721 --> 00:15:40,001 You might have to exorcise a demon. 236 00:15:40,121 --> 00:15:41,761 How do I do that? 237 00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:43,801 Ring the bell. 238 00:15:43,921 --> 00:15:45,001 Light the candle. 239 00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:46,361 Read the book? 240 00:15:46,481 --> 00:15:48,001 There'll be no time for light reading 241 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,641 when you're under demonic attack, laddie. 242 00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:53,921 And finally... 243 00:15:54,041 --> 00:15:55,361 Pin. 244 00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:57,961 Pin? 245 00:15:58,081 --> 00:16:01,641 Aye. It's the bayonet in your army of light. 246 00:16:03,321 --> 00:16:05,001 Right. 247 00:16:05,121 --> 00:16:06,961 Well, off to tadfield, then. 248 00:16:07,081 --> 00:16:09,601 Off you go, witchfinder private pulsifer. 249 00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:12,921 And may the armies of glory march beside you. 250 00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:27,441 Voice of god: The world was changing. 251 00:16:27,561 --> 00:16:30,561 Whatadam believed was true was beginning to happen in reality. 252 00:17:15,161 --> 00:17:17,081 Morning, sir, madam or neuter. 253 00:17:17,201 --> 00:17:21,001 - This your planet, is it? - Yes, I suppose so. 254 00:17:21,121 --> 00:17:23,361 - Had it long, have we? - Not personally. 255 00:17:23,481 --> 00:17:27,001 As a species, about half a million years, I think. 256 00:17:27,121 --> 00:17:30,201 Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we, sir? 257 00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:33,921 Been letting ourselves go with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps? 258 00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:35,041 Sorry? 259 00:17:35,081 --> 00:17:37,721 Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, but your polar ice caps 260 00:17:37,841 --> 00:17:40,881 are significantly below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir. 261 00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:43,361 We'll overlook it on this occasion. 262 00:17:43,481 --> 00:17:47,081 The fact is, sir, we've been asked to bring you a message. 263 00:17:47,201 --> 00:17:48,641 Oh? Me? 264 00:17:48,761 --> 00:17:51,321 Message runs, "we bring you a message of universal peace, 265 00:17:51,441 --> 00:17:53,841 "cosmic Harmony and suchlike." 266 00:17:53,961 --> 00:17:55,241 Message ends. 267 00:17:55,361 --> 00:17:57,641 Oh. That's very kind. 268 00:17:57,761 --> 00:18:00,801 Have you any idea why we've been asked to bring you this message, sir? 269 00:18:00,921 --> 00:18:05,321 I suppose what with man's harnessing of the atom and, er... 270 00:18:05,441 --> 00:18:06,961 Neither have we, sir. 271 00:18:07,081 --> 00:18:08,961 Neither have we. 272 00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:11,121 You what? 273 00:18:11,201 --> 00:18:14,121 Pulsifer: [ Just got pulled over by aliens. 274 00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:16,041 Did you count their nipples? 275 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,961 - I didn't think... - You're a witchfinder, 276 00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:19,321 not an alien finder. 277 00:18:19,441 --> 00:18:22,081 But I'll make a note of it. 278 00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:27,041 I don't know if this is in your newaguarian magazines, 279 00:18:27,161 --> 00:18:30,401 but I was thinking we ought to save the whales. 280 00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:32,761 Whales can sing, actually. 281 00:18:32,881 --> 00:18:34,481 And they have very big brains. 282 00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:36,401 And there's hardly any of them left. 283 00:18:36,521 --> 00:18:38,201 If they're so clever, 284 00:18:38,321 --> 00:18:40,321 what are they doing in the sea all day? 285 00:18:40,441 --> 00:18:44,241 Just swimming and eating things 286 00:18:44,361 --> 00:18:45,361 and singing and... 287 00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:47,001 Oh, my god, I want to be a whale. 288 00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:48,241 Right. 289 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,681 We'll save the whales, then. 290 00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:50,961 All of them. 291 00:18:51,081 --> 00:18:53,641 Voice of god: This is not a whaling ship. 292 00:18:53,761 --> 00:18:56,041 This is a scientific research ship. 293 00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:59,481 Currently, what it is researching is the question, 294 00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:01,201 how many whales can it catch in a week? 295 00:19:01,321 --> 00:19:04,401 They see no whales on the radar, no tuna, 296 00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:05,617 nothing bigger than an anchovy. 297 00:19:05,641 --> 00:19:08,761 And now, the sea bottom appears to be dropping. 298 00:19:18,921 --> 00:19:21,601 Voice of god: Beneath the thunders of the upper deep, 299 00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:23,761 far, far beneath in the abyssal sea, 300 00:19:23,881 --> 00:19:25,321 the kraken sleepeth. 301 00:19:25,441 --> 00:19:28,521 And now it's waking up. 302 00:19:30,441 --> 00:19:33,721 TV n ews anchor: Scientists have pronounced themselves baffled by the appearance 303 00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:35,361 of the enormous sea creature, 304 00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:38,361 which the Internet has begun to refer to as the kraken, 305 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:40,761 - after the sea beast of legend. - What?! 306 00:19:40,881 --> 00:19:42,961 It appears to be targeting whaling ships, 307 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:47,121 according to a spokesman for the Japanese government. 308 00:19:47,241 --> 00:19:50,281 Voice of god: And a million Sushi dinners cry out for vengeance. 309 00:20:02,641 --> 00:20:05,801 I've been thinking... about crowley. 310 00:20:06,921 --> 00:20:08,041 Something's not right. 311 00:20:08,161 --> 00:20:09,441 Oh, look at this. 312 00:20:09,561 --> 00:20:11,697 I'm meant to be getting ready to go to megiddo to meet the boy. 313 00:20:11,721 --> 00:20:13,801 I should be leaving now. 314 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,537 Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket, 315 00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,761 waiting for maintenance to come fix another bloody pipe. 316 00:20:18,481 --> 00:20:19,481 So, crowley. 317 00:20:19,601 --> 00:20:21,161 What's mr slick done now? 318 00:20:21,281 --> 00:20:22,801 I'm not sure. 319 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:24,601 But I know it's nothing good. 320 00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:27,481 Oh. Well, that's all right, then. He's not meant to do good. 321 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,121 Figure of speech. 322 00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:30,441 Nothing bad, then. 323 00:20:30,561 --> 00:20:32,081 Nothing bad? 324 00:20:34,841 --> 00:20:35,841 He's not in trouble? 325 00:20:35,921 --> 00:20:37,641 He's definitely in trouble. 326 00:20:37,761 --> 00:20:39,001 Or he will be. 327 00:20:39,121 --> 00:20:40,241 We going in? 328 00:20:40,361 --> 00:20:41,841 Not yet. We need proof. 329 00:20:41,961 --> 00:20:44,921 But once we've got it, he's toast. 330 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:47,401 And that's going to hurt. 331 00:20:48,761 --> 00:20:49,801 What, being toasted? 332 00:20:49,921 --> 00:20:51,121 Oh, yeah. 333 00:20:51,241 --> 00:20:53,121 Right. Toast. 334 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:56,441 Back to armageddon, then. 335 00:20:58,961 --> 00:21:00,761 Look at that! 336 00:21:45,481 --> 00:21:48,601 Agn es: When Robin's blue chariot inverted be, 337 00:21:48,721 --> 00:21:50,561 three wheels in the sky, 338 00:21:50,681 --> 00:21:53,241 a man with bruises be upon your bed, 339 00:21:53,361 --> 00:21:55,921 aching his head for Willow fine. 340 00:22:02,681 --> 00:22:05,401 He's hurt. Come on, we should do something. 341 00:22:05,521 --> 00:22:07,961 Brian: We should get him away from the car. It might blow up. 342 00:22:08,081 --> 00:22:09,121 They do that on telly. 343 00:22:10,201 --> 00:22:11,601 Dick turpin won't blow up. 344 00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:14,241 And you're probably wondering why it's called dick turpin. 345 00:22:14,361 --> 00:22:15,801 Well... 346 00:22:31,761 --> 00:22:33,337 Demon: The four horsemen of the apocalypse 347 00:22:33,361 --> 00:22:34,377 will ride over the plain to us, 348 00:22:34,401 --> 00:22:36,721 and then our forces... 349 00:22:36,841 --> 00:22:38,921 I thought the forces of darkness was a bit long, 350 00:22:39,041 --> 00:22:41,801 so I'm calling us darkforce one. 351 00:22:41,921 --> 00:22:43,961 We rise up, pushing through the earth, 352 00:22:44,081 --> 00:22:46,161 while our opposition descend from above. 353 00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:48,001 This is armageddon. 354 00:22:48,121 --> 00:22:49,641 This is where the world will end. 355 00:22:49,761 --> 00:22:51,337 Demon: Well, that's the Greek name for it. 356 00:22:51,361 --> 00:22:53,041 Technically, "the fields of megiddo". 357 00:22:54,321 --> 00:22:56,481 Yeah. Archaeological excavations over there, 358 00:22:56,601 --> 00:22:57,761 avocado fields that way. 359 00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:02,561 - They grow avocados here? - Yes. 360 00:23:02,681 --> 00:23:04,601 We have a joke. We say... 361 00:23:06,841 --> 00:23:08,881 "It's going to be one big avocado." 362 00:23:14,361 --> 00:23:17,161 I, er... I don't like jokes. 363 00:23:17,281 --> 00:23:18,721 I don't do jokes. 364 00:23:18,841 --> 00:23:21,601 And when people do jokes in my presence, 365 00:23:21,721 --> 00:23:24,841 they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues. 366 00:23:24,961 --> 00:23:27,121 No, I tell a lie. 367 00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:30,081 It's mostly me that swallows their tongues. 368 00:23:37,561 --> 00:23:42,641 So, what time do the boy and the hell-hound get here? 369 00:23:42,761 --> 00:23:44,641 About 20 minutes. 370 00:23:44,761 --> 00:23:47,137 The ambassador's here for a photo op with the ruins of the temple. 371 00:23:47,161 --> 00:23:48,681 And when they arrive, 372 00:23:48,801 --> 00:23:51,081 our master's son will come into his own. 373 00:23:51,201 --> 00:23:52,721 A photo op? 374 00:23:52,841 --> 00:23:54,481 What's... what's... what's a photo op? 375 00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:56,441 Is it... is it anotherjoke? 376 00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:58,161 No, your disgrace. It's... 377 00:24:00,121 --> 00:24:01,601 Well, you know what a selfie is. 378 00:24:04,481 --> 00:24:07,881 I believe the demon crowley invented them. 379 00:24:24,441 --> 00:24:26,481 When all is ready, 380 00:24:26,601 --> 00:24:28,681 the boy and the dog 381 00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:32,681 and the four horsemen will converge here. 382 00:24:33,761 --> 00:24:35,161 And the boy will give the word 383 00:24:35,281 --> 00:24:37,361 and armageddon will begin. 384 00:24:40,481 --> 00:24:41,881 One... 385 00:24:42,001 --> 00:24:44,361 One big avocado. 386 00:24:59,761 --> 00:25:02,681 Adam: Anathema, we found a man! 387 00:25:05,881 --> 00:25:08,961 - He was in a car accident. - I know. Come in. 388 00:25:10,401 --> 00:25:12,361 Let's get him upstairs. 389 00:25:26,641 --> 00:25:28,881 It's almost like you were expecting him. 390 00:25:29,001 --> 00:25:30,241 Anath ema: I was. 391 00:25:30,361 --> 00:25:32,801 I was hoping he wouldn't come. 392 00:25:32,921 --> 00:25:36,041 If he didn't turn up, maybe none of it was real. 393 00:25:36,161 --> 00:25:37,161 But if he's here... 394 00:25:37,281 --> 00:25:38,801 Then the beast is real. 395 00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:40,401 Pepper: You mean dog? 396 00:25:40,521 --> 00:25:43,721 Anathema: No. It's nothing. 397 00:25:43,841 --> 00:25:46,201 Nothing you kids need to worry about, anyway. 398 00:25:46,321 --> 00:25:48,441 Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches? 399 00:25:48,561 --> 00:25:51,121 Wensleydale: I have a very nutritious lunch waiting at home. 400 00:25:51,241 --> 00:25:53,561 My mother likes me to come home with an appetite. 401 00:25:53,681 --> 00:25:57,001 Voices whisper: Make it happen. Make it real. 402 00:25:57,121 --> 00:26:01,801 Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen... 403 00:26:01,921 --> 00:26:04,001 Bye, anathema. 404 00:26:05,121 --> 00:26:06,121 You coming, Adam? 405 00:26:06,201 --> 00:26:07,801 I didn't say you could go. 406 00:26:11,681 --> 00:26:13,281 See you after lunch. 407 00:26:15,041 --> 00:26:18,201 - Brian: Adam's different. - Pepper: Don't be wet. 408 00:26:18,321 --> 00:26:20,841 Wensleydale: Actually, that's why we like him. 409 00:26:20,961 --> 00:26:22,041 He's not boring. 410 00:26:22,161 --> 00:26:24,561 Brian: Oh, you know whatl mean. You must do. 411 00:26:24,681 --> 00:26:25,841 Pepper: He's Adam! 412 00:26:25,961 --> 00:26:28,681 He comes up with all the best games and all the best ideas. 413 00:26:28,801 --> 00:26:31,561 Brian: Yeah, but something's changed. 414 00:26:31,681 --> 00:26:34,001 He's not the same any more. 415 00:26:34,121 --> 00:26:37,321 Can I say something stupid without you thinking it's stupid? 416 00:26:37,441 --> 00:26:41,121 I was scared he wouldn't let us go just then. 417 00:26:41,241 --> 00:26:42,521 That's stupid. 418 00:26:42,641 --> 00:26:44,481 Wensleydale: Actually, I felt that, too. 419 00:27:34,521 --> 00:27:36,377 Honey, I'm still not clear on what we're doing here. 420 00:27:36,401 --> 00:27:38,361 This is life as a diplomat. 421 00:27:38,481 --> 00:27:42,521 One moment you're in London, the next we're familially interfacing 422 00:27:42,641 --> 00:27:44,321 with Israeli archaeological sites 423 00:27:44,441 --> 00:27:47,641 - on a historical fact-finding vacation. - But it doesn't make any sense. 424 00:27:47,761 --> 00:27:49,377 You don't argue with the state department, hon. 425 00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:52,601 Is this because I said the president's wife looked like a floozy? 426 00:27:52,721 --> 00:27:53,881 Because I never said that. 427 00:27:56,001 --> 00:27:59,561 And this is our local guide to the archaeological site of megiddo. 428 00:28:00,921 --> 00:28:02,441 Mister... 429 00:28:02,561 --> 00:28:04,561 I'm hastur... la vista. 430 00:28:04,681 --> 00:28:06,201 I'm an archaeologist. 431 00:28:06,321 --> 00:28:08,241 Which one of you is the ambassador? 432 00:28:08,361 --> 00:28:10,201 Thaddeus dowling, at your service. 433 00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:13,401 - My wife, Harriet. - An honour. 434 00:28:15,321 --> 00:28:18,401 You must be warlock. 435 00:28:18,521 --> 00:28:20,201 You smell like poo. 436 00:28:21,681 --> 00:28:22,801 Funny boy. 437 00:28:22,921 --> 00:28:24,681 Always love a good joke, me. 438 00:28:24,801 --> 00:28:27,401 I've heard a lot about you. 439 00:28:28,881 --> 00:28:30,977 - Where's the dog? - Thaddeus: So, professor la vista, 440 00:28:31,001 --> 00:28:32,321 I understood from our briefing 441 00:28:32,441 --> 00:28:36,361 that tel megiddo was part of tiglath-pileser's administrative centre. 442 00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:38,761 - The assyrian kings fascinate me... - Will you shut up?! 443 00:28:38,881 --> 00:28:40,721 Where's the dog? 444 00:28:40,841 --> 00:28:42,281 Why doesn't the boy have a dog? 445 00:28:44,921 --> 00:28:46,241 Do you hear voices? 446 00:28:46,361 --> 00:28:47,481 What are they saying? 447 00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:49,041 What are they telling you? 448 00:28:49,161 --> 00:28:50,161 - The voices... - Yes. 449 00:28:50,241 --> 00:28:53,441 In my head all say... 450 00:28:53,561 --> 00:28:55,441 What?! 451 00:28:55,561 --> 00:28:57,281 That you smell like poo. 452 00:29:00,681 --> 00:29:04,561 Crowley! 453 00:29:16,201 --> 00:29:18,441 Hastur's voice: What the heaven is going on, crowley? 454 00:29:18,561 --> 00:29:19,561 What have you done? 455 00:29:19,601 --> 00:29:22,641 Hastur. Hey. Not following you. How do you mean? 456 00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,841 The boy... the boy called warlock. 457 00:29:24,961 --> 00:29:26,481 We took him to the fields of megiddo. 458 00:29:26,601 --> 00:29:28,601 The dog is not with him. 459 00:29:28,721 --> 00:29:30,361 The child knows nothing of the great war. 460 00:29:30,481 --> 00:29:32,241 He is not our master's son. 461 00:29:32,361 --> 00:29:33,841 He said that I... 462 00:29:34,921 --> 00:29:37,121 That I smelled of poo. 463 00:29:37,241 --> 00:29:40,321 - Well, you can see his point. - You're dead meat, crowley. 464 00:29:40,441 --> 00:29:42,561 You're bloody history. 465 00:29:42,681 --> 00:29:45,601 You stay where you are. We're coming to collect you. 466 00:29:51,761 --> 00:29:54,961 Anathema: You are witchfinder private Newton pulsifer. 467 00:29:55,081 --> 00:29:57,481 Apparently, all magistrates are enjoined to give you 468 00:29:57,601 --> 00:30:00,481 as much dry kindling as you need to burn any witches, 469 00:30:00,601 --> 00:30:02,801 hags or beldam you discover. 470 00:30:02,921 --> 00:30:05,441 Er... I'm not actually a real witchfinder. 471 00:30:05,561 --> 00:30:07,321 There aren't really any witches. 472 00:30:07,441 --> 00:30:11,121 I'm actually a... computer engineer. 473 00:30:12,761 --> 00:30:15,561 I just needed something to get me out of the house. 474 00:30:15,681 --> 00:30:17,801 Hmm. 475 00:30:20,081 --> 00:30:21,601 I'm anathema device. 476 00:30:21,721 --> 00:30:23,201 I really am a witch. 477 00:30:25,121 --> 00:30:26,921 You should read that. It's about you. 478 00:30:27,041 --> 00:30:28,481 It will save time. 479 00:30:30,561 --> 00:30:33,761 "When Robins blue chariot inverted be, 480 00:30:33,881 --> 00:30:36,041 "three wheels in the sky, 481 00:30:36,161 --> 00:30:38,281 "a man with bruises be upon your bed, 482 00:30:38,401 --> 00:30:41,481 "aching his head for Willow fine." 483 00:30:41,601 --> 00:30:44,281 That's you, the car crash and the aspirin. 484 00:30:45,641 --> 00:30:47,441 Have you ever heard of Agnes nutter? 485 00:30:47,561 --> 00:30:49,001 I'm afraid not. 486 00:30:49,121 --> 00:30:50,641 Anath ema: A witch from 300 years ago. 487 00:30:50,761 --> 00:30:52,521 ['M her descendant. 488 00:30:52,641 --> 00:30:54,441 One of your ancestors burned her at the stake. 489 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,801 - Adultery pulsifer. - Anath ema: Or tried to. 490 00:30:56,921 --> 00:30:58,041 Ancestors? 491 00:30:58,161 --> 00:31:00,721 Thou shalt not commit adultery pulsifer. 492 00:31:00,841 --> 00:31:04,721 Hmm. Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine, 493 00:31:04,841 --> 00:31:06,241 so I... 494 00:31:06,361 --> 00:31:07,561 I took your matches. 495 00:31:09,081 --> 00:31:10,601 I'm not going to burn anyone. 496 00:31:10,721 --> 00:31:11,761 I know. 497 00:31:11,881 --> 00:31:14,001 Agnes would have told us if you were. 498 00:31:14,121 --> 00:31:17,081 She wrote all these prophecies in a book published 499 00:31:17,201 --> 00:31:18,681 - in 1655. - Did she know 500 00:31:18,801 --> 00:31:19,921 I was going to crash my car? 501 00:31:20,041 --> 00:31:21,521 Yes. 502 00:31:22,681 --> 00:31:25,921 Well, I mean... yes. 503 00:31:26,041 --> 00:31:27,801 My family has been trying to figure out 504 00:31:27,921 --> 00:31:31,081 Agnes's nice and accurate prophecies for 400 years now. 505 00:31:32,161 --> 00:31:34,801 You could say we're professional descendants. 506 00:31:34,921 --> 00:31:36,441 How many prophecies are there? 507 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,801 Thousands. It averages to about a prophecy a month. 508 00:31:39,921 --> 00:31:42,297 Oh, more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world. 509 00:31:42,321 --> 00:31:43,881 When is that supposed to be? 510 00:31:44,001 --> 00:31:46,961 Er... in around four hours and 15 minutes. 511 00:31:47,081 --> 00:31:49,521 Oh, come on. The world isn't really going to end today. 512 00:31:49,641 --> 00:31:51,257 The end of the world starts here in tadfield, 513 00:31:51,281 --> 00:31:53,801 this afternoon, according to Agnes. 514 00:31:53,921 --> 00:31:55,921 - I just can't find it. - It? 515 00:31:57,161 --> 00:31:59,001 The antichrist. The great beast. 516 00:31:59,121 --> 00:32:02,361 I've been searching for it, but it's impossible to find. 517 00:32:02,481 --> 00:32:05,057 "Where the hogge's back ends, the young beast will take the world, 518 00:32:05,081 --> 00:32:08,401 "and Adam's line will end in fire and darkness." 519 00:32:08,521 --> 00:32:10,081 Hogge's back. 520 00:32:10,201 --> 00:32:11,481 Adam young. 521 00:32:11,601 --> 00:32:13,081 Aziraphale: And his address 522 00:32:13,201 --> 00:32:16,361 is number four, hogback Lane, tadfield, 523 00:32:16,481 --> 00:32:17,961 - what did you say? - Adam young. 524 00:32:18,081 --> 00:32:21,001 He lives at 4 hogback Lane. 525 00:32:21,121 --> 00:32:22,641 I was told to keep an eye on him. 526 00:32:22,761 --> 00:32:24,241 How did you...? 527 00:32:25,761 --> 00:32:27,881 Oh, I didn't... shit. 528 00:32:28,001 --> 00:32:30,361 Adam, that's... that's crazy. 529 00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:33,761 He's such a sweet kid. Him and his friends were the ones that brought you in here, 530 00:32:33,881 --> 00:32:37,361 I mean, he's... he's the sweetest kid in the village. 531 00:32:37,481 --> 00:32:40,081 I mean, he can't be the great beast at the end of the world. 532 00:32:41,361 --> 00:32:43,161 Come on. 533 00:32:43,281 --> 00:32:45,601 Pepper: We don't want to go with you. 534 00:32:47,041 --> 00:32:48,497 Wensleydale: Actually, I reallydon't. 535 00:32:48,521 --> 00:32:49,761 Brian: I don't like this! 536 00:32:49,881 --> 00:32:51,761 There's no point in going home. 537 00:32:52,841 --> 00:32:54,761 It doesn't matter. That's all done now. 538 00:32:54,881 --> 00:32:56,561 But we don't actually want to go with you. 539 00:33:00,761 --> 00:33:03,001 You know why you're all coming with me, wensley? 540 00:33:03,121 --> 00:33:04,601 Because there's nowhere else to go. 541 00:33:04,721 --> 00:33:05,841 What's the point? 542 00:33:05,961 --> 00:33:07,681 What's going to be left when we grow up? 543 00:33:07,801 --> 00:33:10,401 Everywhere you look, there's all this environment going on. 544 00:33:10,521 --> 00:33:12,281 Everything's being killed or used up, 545 00:33:12,401 --> 00:33:13,921 and no-one takes it seriously. 546 00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:17,281 Everyone thinks that somehow it'll all just get better again. 547 00:33:17,401 --> 00:33:18,921 Where's the sense in that? 548 00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:20,617 Adam, this is all wrong. I'm not going with you. 549 00:33:20,641 --> 00:33:22,601 - But you are. - It isn't actually funny. 550 00:33:22,721 --> 00:33:23,721 Pepper: Wensley's right. 551 00:33:23,841 --> 00:33:25,601 It's a stupid game. 552 00:33:25,721 --> 00:33:27,001 And you're being weird. 553 00:33:27,121 --> 00:33:29,361 It's ourjob to make it start again. 554 00:33:29,481 --> 00:33:31,561 Right, dog? 555 00:33:39,401 --> 00:33:40,881 Crowley: Angel! I'm sorry. 556 00:33:41,001 --> 00:33:43,841 I apologise. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. Work with me, 557 00:33:43,961 --> 00:33:46,121 I'm apologising here. Yes? Good. Get in the car. 558 00:33:46,241 --> 00:33:47,721 - What? No! - The forces of hell 559 00:33:47,841 --> 00:33:48,937 have figured out it was my fault. 560 00:33:48,961 --> 00:33:51,001 But we can run away together. Alpha centauri. 561 00:33:51,121 --> 00:33:54,081 Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody'd even notice us. 562 00:33:54,201 --> 00:33:57,921 Crowley, you're being ridiculous. Look, I'm quite sure if I can just... 563 00:33:58,041 --> 00:34:00,961 Just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out. 564 00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:03,241 There aren't any right people. There's just god, 565 00:34:03,361 --> 00:34:07,121 moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us. 566 00:34:07,241 --> 00:34:09,617 Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the almighty, 567 00:34:09,641 --> 00:34:11,161 and then the almighty will fix it. 568 00:34:11,281 --> 00:34:13,441 That won't happen. 569 00:34:13,561 --> 00:34:14,561 You're so clever. 570 00:34:14,681 --> 00:34:16,921 How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? 571 00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:20,361 I forgive you. 572 00:34:22,921 --> 00:34:24,961 I'm going home, angel! 573 00:34:25,081 --> 00:34:26,841 I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving! 574 00:34:26,961 --> 00:34:30,721 And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you! 575 00:34:37,441 --> 00:34:38,921 I've been there. 576 00:34:39,041 --> 00:34:40,801 You're better off without him. 577 00:35:07,401 --> 00:35:10,841 Hastur: Crowley! 578 00:35:19,441 --> 00:35:21,521 Hastu r: Crowley! 579 00:35:21,641 --> 00:35:25,201 We only want a little word with you. 580 00:35:26,961 --> 00:35:29,401 We know you're in there. 581 00:35:29,521 --> 00:35:32,521 Crowley! 582 00:35:39,961 --> 00:35:42,441 In here, people. 583 00:36:05,641 --> 00:36:08,201 That's...! That's...! That's holy water! 584 00:36:08,321 --> 00:36:11,801 I can't believe even a demon would... would... would... 585 00:36:11,921 --> 00:36:13,601 Holy water! That's... that's... 586 00:36:13,721 --> 00:36:16,521 - But he hadn't done nothing to you! - Yet. 587 00:36:18,681 --> 00:36:20,521 You... 588 00:36:20,641 --> 00:36:22,161 You don't frighten me. 589 00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:24,001 Do you know what this is? 590 00:36:25,481 --> 00:36:27,481 This is a plant mister, 591 00:36:27,601 --> 00:36:30,241 cheapest and most efficient on the market today. 592 00:36:30,361 --> 00:36:33,881 It can squirt a fine spray of water into the air. 593 00:36:35,361 --> 00:36:37,801 It's filled with holy water. 594 00:36:37,921 --> 00:36:41,001 It can turn you... into that. 595 00:36:43,881 --> 00:36:46,201 You're bluffing. 596 00:36:46,321 --> 00:36:49,081 Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. 597 00:36:50,321 --> 00:36:52,201 Ask yourself, 598 00:36:52,321 --> 00:36:54,001 do you feel lucky? 599 00:37:00,681 --> 00:37:03,761 Yes. Do you? 600 00:37:05,201 --> 00:37:09,641 Time to go, crowley. 601 00:37:11,921 --> 00:37:13,201 Hello? I know where the anti... 602 00:37:13,321 --> 00:37:14,617 On answering machine: Hi this is Anthony crowley. 603 00:37:14,641 --> 00:37:17,361 - You know what to do. Do it with style. - Don't move! 604 00:37:17,481 --> 00:37:18,737 There's something very important you need to know 605 00:37:18,761 --> 00:37:20,041 before you disgrace yourself. 606 00:37:20,161 --> 00:37:21,921 Aziraphale: [ Know where the antichrist is... 607 00:37:22,001 --> 00:37:24,441 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 608 00:37:24,561 --> 00:37:26,081 But... 609 00:37:26,201 --> 00:37:28,401 Well, you've definitely passed the test. 610 00:37:28,521 --> 00:37:30,401 You're ready to start playing with the big boys. 611 00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,641 What? 612 00:37:32,761 --> 00:37:33,881 You're mad. 613 00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:36,401 The lords of hell had to make sure you were trustworthy 614 00:37:36,521 --> 00:37:39,401 before we gave you command of the legions of the damned 615 00:37:39,521 --> 00:37:40,521 in the war ahead. 616 00:37:40,601 --> 00:37:44,761 And, hastur, Duke of hell, 617 00:37:44,881 --> 00:37:47,361 - you've come through with flying colours. - Me? 618 00:37:47,481 --> 00:37:49,881 No. I-I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Duke hastur. 619 00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:53,081 But why don't we talk to the dark council? 620 00:37:53,201 --> 00:37:54,841 Let's see if they can convince you. 621 00:37:54,961 --> 00:37:56,801 You're calling the dark council? 622 00:37:56,921 --> 00:37:58,441 Yes, I am. 623 00:37:58,561 --> 00:38:02,321 And they say, "so long, sucker!" 624 00:38:05,681 --> 00:38:07,657 Voice of god: You're probably wondering 625 00:38:07,681 --> 00:38:09,121 where crowley has gone. 626 00:38:09,241 --> 00:38:10,481 Demons aren't bound by physics. 627 00:38:10,601 --> 00:38:11,601 Over the years, 628 00:38:11,641 --> 00:38:13,721 a huge number of theological man-hours 629 00:38:13,841 --> 00:38:15,481 have been spent debating the question, 630 00:38:15,601 --> 00:38:18,921 "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" 631 00:38:19,041 --> 00:38:21,081 To answer it we need information. 632 00:38:21,201 --> 00:38:22,961 Firstly, angels don't dance. 633 00:38:23,081 --> 00:38:27,201 It's one of the distinguishing characteristics that marks an angel. 634 00:38:27,321 --> 00:38:28,321 So, none. 635 00:38:28,361 --> 00:38:30,481 A t least nearly none. 636 00:38:30,601 --> 00:38:34,601 Aziraphale had learned a dance called the gavotte 637 00:38:34,721 --> 00:38:38,481 in a discreet gentlemen's club in Portland place in the late 78805. 638 00:38:38,601 --> 00:38:41,081 After a while, he had become fairly good at it 639 00:38:41,201 --> 00:38:43,401 and was quite put out when, some decades later, 640 00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:45,121 the ga votte went out of style for good. 641 00:38:45,161 --> 00:38:47,681 So, providing the dance was a ga votte, 642 00:38:47,801 --> 00:38:50,681 the answer is a straightforward... one. 643 00:38:50,801 --> 00:38:53,161 Then again, you might just as well ask 644 00:38:53,281 --> 00:38:56,001 how many demons can dance on the head of a pin. 645 00:38:56,121 --> 00:38:59,521 They're of the same original stock, after all. 646 00:38:59,641 --> 00:39:01,641 And at least demons dance. 647 00:39:01,761 --> 00:39:04,441 Not what you 'd call good dancing, though. 648 00:39:04,561 --> 00:39:06,401 For demons or for angels, 649 00:39:06,521 --> 00:39:08,721 size and shape are simply options. 650 00:39:08,841 --> 00:39:11,001 So, if you look from really close up, 651 00:39:11,121 --> 00:39:13,321 the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin 652 00:39:13,441 --> 00:39:16,561 is all those big gaps between electrons. 653 00:39:16,681 --> 00:39:18,761 That's where crowley has gone. 654 00:39:18,881 --> 00:39:21,401 That's where hastur is following. 655 00:39:21,521 --> 00:39:24,241 Right now, they are both travelling incredibly fast 656 00:39:24,361 --> 00:39:28,721 - through the telephone system. - Whoa-oh! 657 00:39:28,841 --> 00:39:32,361 Woo-hoo-hoo! 658 00:39:35,321 --> 00:39:36,801 Hastu r: Crowley! 659 00:39:36,921 --> 00:39:38,801 You can't escape me! 660 00:39:38,921 --> 00:39:42,801 Wherever you come out, I come out, too! 661 00:39:42,921 --> 00:39:46,001 Three, two, one... 662 00:39:46,121 --> 00:39:48,201 You hear me? Crowley! 663 00:39:48,321 --> 00:39:49,737 On machine: Hey, this isanthony cro... 664 00:39:49,761 --> 00:39:51,497 Hastur, on machine: Where are you, you little runt? 665 00:39:51,521 --> 00:39:52,601 .I' heard your voice. 666 00:39:52,721 --> 00:39:54,761 You and your best friend aziraphale, 667 00:39:54,881 --> 00:39:56,481 you're dead meat! 668 00:39:56,601 --> 00:39:59,441 Voice of god: Hastur, Duke of hell, is now trapped on a tape 669 00:39:59,561 --> 00:40:02,561 inside crowley's antique telephone answering machine. 670 00:40:02,681 --> 00:40:04,801 Hastu r: Where am I'? Don't leave me here. 671 00:40:04,921 --> 00:40:06,337 Aziraphale: [ Know where the antichrist is. 672 00:40:06,361 --> 00:40:07,977 - Oh, no. - .I' know where the antichrist is... 673 00:40:08,001 --> 00:40:09,001 Oh, no, you wouldn't. 674 00:40:09,081 --> 00:40:10,641 You wouldn't dare, you... 675 00:40:10,761 --> 00:40:12,801 Hastu r: You snake! 676 00:40:26,801 --> 00:40:28,721 Michael: Hello, aziraphale. 677 00:40:28,841 --> 00:40:30,201 Oh, Michael. 678 00:40:31,961 --> 00:40:33,081 Sandalphon. 679 00:40:33,201 --> 00:40:34,641 Hello, erm... 680 00:40:34,761 --> 00:40:38,521 We've just been learning some rather disturbing things about you. 681 00:40:38,641 --> 00:40:41,081 You've been a bit of a... fallen angel, haven't you? 682 00:40:41,201 --> 00:40:42,721 Consorting with the enemy... 683 00:40:42,841 --> 00:40:45,441 Oh, I-I-I haven't been consorting. 684 00:40:45,561 --> 00:40:47,177 Don't think your boyfriend in the dark glasses 685 00:40:47,201 --> 00:40:48,801 will get you special treatment in hell. 686 00:40:48,921 --> 00:40:50,441 He's in trouble, too. 687 00:40:50,561 --> 00:40:54,081 Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides. 688 00:40:55,761 --> 00:40:58,401 I've... I've actually been giving that a lot of thought. 689 00:40:58,521 --> 00:41:01,281 The, erm, the whole "choosing sides" thing. 690 00:41:01,401 --> 00:41:06,801 Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides. 691 00:41:06,921 --> 00:41:08,537 That's the whole point, so people can make choices. 692 00:41:08,561 --> 00:41:10,841 That's... that's what being human means - 693 00:41:10,961 --> 00:41:12,481 choices. 694 00:41:12,601 --> 00:41:14,761 But... but that's... that's for them. 695 00:41:14,881 --> 00:41:18,761 Our job as... as angels should be to keep all this working 696 00:41:18,881 --> 00:41:21,361 so they can make choices. 697 00:41:21,481 --> 00:41:23,041 You think too much. 698 00:41:28,601 --> 00:41:31,041 You... you mustn't. 699 00:41:31,161 --> 00:41:33,521 Why would you do this? 700 00:41:33,641 --> 00:41:36,481 We're the good guys. I have to warn you that... 701 00:41:36,601 --> 00:41:38,697 That I'm going to take this entire interaction up with... 702 00:41:38,721 --> 00:41:40,841 Up with... 703 00:41:40,961 --> 00:41:42,681 A higher authority. 704 00:41:42,801 --> 00:41:44,961 You really think upstairs will take your call? 705 00:41:45,081 --> 00:41:46,521 You're ridiculous. 706 00:41:47,681 --> 00:41:52,721 Oh, this is great. It's starting. 707 00:41:56,321 --> 00:41:59,121 You... you... 708 00:42:01,121 --> 00:42:03,121 Bad angels! 709 00:42:03,241 --> 00:42:04,761 Seems to me it'd serve everyone right 710 00:42:04,881 --> 00:42:07,041 if all the nuclear bombs went off and it started again, 711 00:42:07,121 --> 00:42:08,201 only properly this time. 712 00:42:08,321 --> 00:42:10,081 Then we could sort it all out. 713 00:42:10,201 --> 00:42:13,001 There's all these bombs going off. People get killed. 714 00:42:13,121 --> 00:42:15,121 Speaking as a mother of unborn generations, 715 00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:16,321 I'm against it. 716 00:42:16,441 --> 00:42:17,961 You'd all be fine. I'd see to that. 717 00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:21,161 It'd be wicked, eh, to have the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it? 718 00:42:21,281 --> 00:42:23,737 We could have amazing games. We could have war with real armies. 719 00:42:23,761 --> 00:42:25,281 But there won't be any people. 720 00:42:25,401 --> 00:42:26,441 They'd all be dead. 721 00:42:26,561 --> 00:42:28,481 Oh, I can make us some new people. 722 00:42:28,601 --> 00:42:30,882 Adam, please let us go home. I want my mummy and my daddy. 723 00:42:32,121 --> 00:42:33,641 I'll make you new mummies and daddies. 724 00:42:36,281 --> 00:42:37,281 Please, Adam! 725 00:42:37,361 --> 00:42:40,281 Adam, what are you doing?! 726 00:42:40,401 --> 00:42:42,641 I've got friends coming soon. 727 00:42:42,761 --> 00:42:44,377 You'll like them. They're a lot like you. 728 00:42:44,401 --> 00:42:46,281 They're going to help me make it all stop. 729 00:42:46,401 --> 00:42:48,961 Actually, Adam, please, I can't move! 730 00:42:49,081 --> 00:42:51,401 - I don't like this game! - You wait. 731 00:42:51,521 --> 00:42:53,281 It's going to be wicked! 732 00:43:05,881 --> 00:43:08,241 So we find this Adam, and then what do we do? 733 00:43:08,361 --> 00:43:10,881 Stop him! He's bringing armageddon. 734 00:43:12,001 --> 00:43:15,121 So we... ask him nicely to stop? 735 00:43:15,241 --> 00:43:16,961 I don't know. Agnes doesn't say. 736 00:43:18,041 --> 00:43:19,241 She goes off on stuff about... 737 00:43:20,281 --> 00:43:23,001 You and me. 738 00:43:23,121 --> 00:43:25,321 - Like what? - Oh, well, stupid stuff. 739 00:43:25,441 --> 00:43:26,961 You... you don't want to know. 740 00:43:28,201 --> 00:43:30,201 Hogback Lane isn't far from here. 741 00:43:36,481 --> 00:43:37,801 Hold on! 742 00:43:37,921 --> 00:43:39,401 I'm not an idiot! 743 00:43:43,321 --> 00:43:44,801 You don't get tornados in england! 744 00:43:44,921 --> 00:43:46,161 We do today! 745 00:43:46,281 --> 00:43:48,121 Prophecy 691! 746 00:43:48,241 --> 00:43:50,561 The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble. 747 00:43:50,681 --> 00:43:53,121 We'll have less than a minute to go back inside 748 00:43:53,241 --> 00:43:55,561 before it starts again. Got it? 749 00:44:01,441 --> 00:44:02,841 Ok. Got it. 750 00:44:08,641 --> 00:44:10,241 Under the bed! 751 00:44:15,681 --> 00:44:16,761 This is insane! 752 00:44:16,881 --> 00:44:19,281 You don't get tornados here! 753 00:44:19,401 --> 00:44:21,521 Did Agnes say what we have to do next? 754 00:44:26,201 --> 00:44:28,521 Agnes: Let the wheel of fate turn. 755 00:44:28,641 --> 00:44:30,841 Let harts enjoin. 756 00:44:30,961 --> 00:44:32,961 There are other tyres than mine. 757 00:44:33,081 --> 00:44:34,601 When the whirl wynd whirls, 758 00:44:34,721 --> 00:44:37,561 - reach oute one to another. - Pulsifer: "Reach out to one another." 759 00:44:38,601 --> 00:44:40,121 The world's about to end, and I've... 760 00:44:40,241 --> 00:44:42,241 I've never... 761 00:44:42,361 --> 00:44:43,521 Never robbed a bank. 762 00:44:43,641 --> 00:44:44,857 I've never got a parking ticket. 763 00:44:44,881 --> 00:44:47,001 I've never eaten Thai food. 764 00:44:47,121 --> 00:44:48,641 I've never been abroad. 765 00:44:48,761 --> 00:44:51,761 I've never learned to play a musical instrument, 766 00:44:51,881 --> 00:44:53,441 and I've never... 767 00:44:53,561 --> 00:44:55,041 Kissed a girl? 768 00:44:55,161 --> 00:44:56,761 No, not even once. 769 00:45:51,801 --> 00:45:53,401 Huh. 770 00:45:54,761 --> 00:45:56,641 Madame Tracy: I made you a nice cup of tea. 771 00:45:59,361 --> 00:46:02,081 I made it just the way you like it. 772 00:46:02,201 --> 00:46:04,721 Nine sugars and condensed milk. 773 00:46:04,841 --> 00:46:07,561 Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene. 774 00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:09,881 Oh, mr shadwell. 775 00:46:10,001 --> 00:46:11,641 You say the nicest things. 776 00:46:13,081 --> 00:46:15,881 I've sent him into the jaws of doom. 777 00:46:16,001 --> 00:46:17,441 - Who? - Private pulsifer. 778 00:46:17,561 --> 00:46:20,481 Aye, he's just a lad. I let him go alone. 779 00:46:20,601 --> 00:46:22,121 I should have gone with him. 780 00:46:22,241 --> 00:46:24,721 Well, he's just having a nice day out. 781 00:46:26,521 --> 00:46:28,041 That's... unusual. 782 00:46:28,161 --> 00:46:32,921 I'm a bad man and a worse witchfinder sergeant. 783 00:46:33,041 --> 00:46:35,561 I cannot believe I let him go alone. 784 00:46:35,681 --> 00:46:36,921 I should go to him. 785 00:46:38,361 --> 00:46:40,961 There's a train to tadfield. 786 00:46:41,081 --> 00:46:42,881 I can't get there on my bus pass. 787 00:46:43,001 --> 00:46:45,441 There's not funds for a train ticket. 788 00:46:47,961 --> 00:46:49,481 Oh, I'll not travel on the wages 789 00:46:49,601 --> 00:46:52,241 - of harlotry and ghost-raising. - You'll need an extra £5 790 00:46:52,361 --> 00:46:53,961 for a sandwich and a coffee. 791 00:46:59,281 --> 00:47:00,801 Wait. 792 00:47:00,921 --> 00:47:02,801 Shouldn't we have dinner or something first? 793 00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:04,321 Sh. No time. 794 00:47:25,841 --> 00:47:27,721 Well, if you won't take it from me, 795 00:47:27,841 --> 00:47:30,561 what about one of those nice men that called? 796 00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,681 Mr crowley won't give me an advance. 797 00:47:32,801 --> 00:47:34,961 I think he's mafia. 798 00:47:35,081 --> 00:47:38,601 But the southern pansy in the bookshop might be a soft touch. 799 00:47:38,721 --> 00:47:41,001 Aye, he's got money. 800 00:47:41,121 --> 00:47:43,681 Even now, young pulsifer could be suffering 801 00:47:43,801 --> 00:47:46,961 unimaginable tortures at the hands of the daughters of night. 802 00:47:47,081 --> 00:47:49,561 I can't imagine what he's going through. 803 00:47:56,681 --> 00:47:59,481 Aye, we can't leave our people in there. 804 00:48:00,601 --> 00:48:05,241 They could be doing all manner of things to him right this moment. 805 00:48:14,401 --> 00:48:17,721 Well, I don't suppose it'll be the end of the world, 806 00:48:17,841 --> 00:48:20,241 even if they are, mr s. 807 00:48:21,521 --> 00:48:25,401 Wensleydale: But, please, Adam! We have to go home! 808 00:48:25,521 --> 00:48:28,881 This is your home! Here, with me! 809 00:48:29,001 --> 00:48:31,601 You don't have to go home or go to school or anything. 810 00:48:31,721 --> 00:48:33,801 Or do anything you don't want to do, ever again. 811 00:48:33,921 --> 00:48:35,361 Adam, just stop it! 812 00:48:35,481 --> 00:48:36,601 Shouts: Shut up! 813 00:48:36,721 --> 00:48:38,161 Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 814 00:48:38,281 --> 00:48:40,641 Stop talking! You all have to stop talking now! 815 00:48:40,761 --> 00:48:43,281 Everybody, stop talking! 816 00:49:22,761 --> 00:49:25,161 Hello. 817 00:49:25,281 --> 00:49:28,081 This is the principality aziraphale. 818 00:49:28,201 --> 00:49:30,321 I'm looking for, erm... 819 00:49:32,921 --> 00:49:34,681 A higher authority. 820 00:49:36,481 --> 00:49:38,041 Is there anybody there? 821 00:49:49,281 --> 00:49:51,041 We're closed! 822 00:49:54,001 --> 00:49:56,881 This really is frightfully important. 823 00:49:57,001 --> 00:49:59,681 I'm prepared to take this all the way to the top. 824 00:50:08,561 --> 00:50:10,521 I, erm... 825 00:50:10,641 --> 00:50:13,281 I-I-I need to speak to the almighty. 826 00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,801 Metatron: Speak, aziraphale. 827 00:50:19,121 --> 00:50:20,761 Am I speaking to... 828 00:50:22,641 --> 00:50:24,041 ."God? 829 00:50:26,361 --> 00:50:30,281 You are speaking to the metatron, aziraphale. 830 00:50:31,521 --> 00:50:35,401 To speak to me is to speak to god. 831 00:50:36,641 --> 00:50:38,841 I am the voice of the almighty. 832 00:50:38,961 --> 00:50:42,801 Aziraphale: Well, yes. But you are the voice of the almighty 833 00:50:42,921 --> 00:50:45,961 in the same way as, erm, a presidential spokesman 834 00:50:46,081 --> 00:50:48,081 is... is the voice of the president. 835 00:50:48,201 --> 00:50:51,961 I actually need to speak directly to god. 836 00:50:52,081 --> 00:50:57,441 What is said to me is said to the almighty. 837 00:50:59,121 --> 00:51:02,401 Well, aziraphale? 838 00:51:02,521 --> 00:51:04,601 I want to complain about the conduct of a few angels. 839 00:51:04,721 --> 00:51:07,521 But the... the important thing is the antichrist. 840 00:51:07,641 --> 00:51:10,241 I know who he is, I know where he is. 841 00:51:10,361 --> 00:51:12,201 Good work, well done. 842 00:51:12,321 --> 00:51:14,961 So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, 843 00:51:15,081 --> 00:51:17,681 a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. 844 00:51:17,801 --> 00:51:20,561 There needn't be a war. We can save everyone. 845 00:51:20,681 --> 00:51:23,881 The point is not to avoid the war. 846 00:51:24,001 --> 00:51:26,321 The point is to win it. 847 00:51:35,121 --> 00:51:39,281 What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war? 848 00:51:39,401 --> 00:51:43,641 We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange 849 00:51:43,761 --> 00:51:45,921 would be a nice start. 850 00:51:47,601 --> 00:51:48,801 Very imaginative. 851 00:51:48,921 --> 00:51:52,121 The battle commences, aziraphale. 852 00:51:52,241 --> 00:51:54,761 - Join us. - In a jiffy. 853 00:51:54,881 --> 00:51:57,361 Two shakes of a lamb's tail. 854 00:51:58,841 --> 00:52:02,001 Just a... a couple of things left to tie up. 855 00:52:02,121 --> 00:52:05,601 We will leave the gateway open for you, then. 856 00:52:05,721 --> 00:52:07,681 Do not dawdle. 857 00:52:09,361 --> 00:52:13,481 Yes. Jolly, eh... jolly good. 858 00:52:30,561 --> 00:52:32,257 - Hello. I know where the anti... - Hi this is Anthony crowley. 859 00:52:32,281 --> 00:52:34,081 You know what to do. Do it with style. 860 00:52:34,201 --> 00:52:35,681 Well, I know who you are, you idiot. 861 00:52:35,801 --> 00:52:38,321 I telephoned you. Listen, I know where the anti... 862 00:52:38,441 --> 00:52:40,841 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 863 00:52:40,961 --> 00:52:43,201 - But... - Shadwell: You foul fiend! 864 00:52:43,321 --> 00:52:46,121 In league with the forces of darkness! 865 00:52:46,241 --> 00:52:47,721 Sergeant shadwell? 866 00:52:47,841 --> 00:52:49,361 You monster! 867 00:52:49,481 --> 00:52:50,921 Seducing women to do your evil will. 868 00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:52,657 Oh, I think perhaps you've got the wrong shop. 869 00:52:52,681 --> 00:52:53,961 You are possessed by a demon, 870 00:52:54,081 --> 00:52:57,321 and I will exorcise you with bell, book and candle. 871 00:52:57,441 --> 00:53:01,601 Yes, er, fine. But, please, keep away from the circle. It's... it's still powered up. 872 00:53:01,721 --> 00:53:03,561 Bell. 873 00:53:06,161 --> 00:53:08,001 I'm honestly not a demon. 874 00:53:08,121 --> 00:53:09,617 I-I don't know what you think you saw, but... 875 00:53:09,641 --> 00:53:11,161 Book! 876 00:53:11,281 --> 00:53:15,281 Please, you-you-you must keep away from the... the circle. 877 00:53:16,961 --> 00:53:18,961 - Practically a candle. - Look, the circle is on... 878 00:53:19,081 --> 00:53:20,577 - With the powers invested in me... - And it would be very unwise 879 00:53:20,601 --> 00:53:21,401 for you to step into it... 880 00:53:21,521 --> 00:53:23,337 - I charge ye to leave this place... - Without the proper precautions. 881 00:53:23,361 --> 00:53:24,417 Whatever you think you've seen... 882 00:53:24,441 --> 00:53:25,897 - And to return henceforth... - Just don't cross the circle. 883 00:53:25,921 --> 00:53:27,737 - To the place from which you came. - You stupid man! 884 00:53:27,761 --> 00:53:30,241 And deliver us from evil, returning no more! 885 00:53:35,161 --> 00:53:36,761 Fuck! 886 00:53:52,201 --> 00:53:53,361 Hello?