Look, I don't want to take up a ton of your time,
but I'm gonna kill myself.
I just thought that someone should know.
I don't really know how this works.
I'm probably gonna jump off an overpass in front of a semi, so...
Or a U-Haul maybe, just not a bus.
I'm not gonna be a dick and make people watch.
But it has to be big.
It's got to be so big that it just...
Done. Kills me. Lights out.
'Cause if it just maims me, and I'm like...
Well, then how's that good for anyone?
Then I got to find a nurse to smother me.
How am I gonna get across smothering if I'm...
We don't need to get caught up in the minutiae.
I just thought that an adult, so, you, should know.
Wow. This is, uh,
a lotto take in, Nadine. I...
I wish I knew what to say.
Well, I was actually just drafting my own suicide note. Just now.
"Dear everybody.
"As some of you know,
"I have 32 fleeting minutes of happiness per school day during lunch,
"which has been eaten up, again and again,
"by the same especially badly dressed student.
"And I finally thought, 'You know what?
"'I would rather have the dark, empty nothingness.'
"I really would.
" It sounds
"relaxing.
"Have a nice life without me, fuckers."
You are so gonna get fired when I actually do it.
Well, not for sure, but I can dream.
Let me start from the beginning.
Around second grade, I had a realization.
There are two types of people in this world.
The people who radiate confidence and naturally excel at life.
Yes! Yes!
And the people who hope all those people die in a big explosion.
All right, knock 'em dead, kiddo.
My brother, Darian, was a winner from day one
and had about a million fans.
Bye.
His biggest one?
My mother.
Bye, sweetheart.
Look, check it out. I won.
Okay, boss-lady.
See you tonight.
Nadine.
We're not doing this again.
You promised. Now, get out of the car.
Well, that's it.
You could say my mother and I weren't exactly peas in a pod.
And the only one who could handle either of us was Dad.
I hate you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Dad had a nearly impossible task.
Having to manage us both.
All right, now.
I know kids can be mean.
But if you get a chance,
fart into their backpacks.
I wish you were small.
Then I'd at least have one person to have lunch with.
Instead, the most attention I got at school was from these three.
Nobody likes you.
You suck and you're gonna get AIDS.
Over here. Come on!
My childhood had become a raging dumpster fire,
and I couldn't take one more second
of this intolerable, unlivable nightmare of a...
Excuse me.
And then, out of the clear blue, an angel appeared.
Can you move, please?
She was dressed like a small elderly gentleman.
And her breath smelled of SweeTARTS.
You want to hold him?
But don't squash him.
Hi, guy.
If you want, you could be his other mom with me.
Really?
I'm gonna be your other mom and take such
good care of you.
I accidentally suffocated him two hours later in my pencil box.
But I had finally made my first friend.
We told each other things we never thought we'd say out loud.
Once, my grandpa's pajama flap accidentally came open,
and I saw his Wiener and got real sad.
My mom has to take medicine,
or she'll get upset and buy too much at the mall.
It's true.
It turned out Krista's life wasn't perfect either.
Why, this pudding is delicious!
I'm walking away.
What am I, your mother?
Am I supposed to babysit you?
But we got each other through.
We could play with this.
We could play with Mr. Penguin. Hee-hee.
For the next few years,
everything was magic.
And then
some extremely fucked-up shit happened.
Oh, my God.
I knew it.
It's really just the hair.
It's not that bad. You can just grow it out.
Are you even up there?
Hey, move. I got to pee.
Darian, meanwhile, just got better looking.
And that asshole knew it.
That night, I picked up some cheeseburgers with my dad.
What do I have that's any good?
Tell me that. What have I ever had?
Hey, you have a lot.
You have love. You have my love.
Very soon you're gonna have cheeseburgers.
Oh, look!
Did I not tell you? Cheeseburgers.
Mmm.
You want a fry? Oh, yeah.
I told you dirty jokes...
Whoa, hey. That was Billy Joel.
You don't turn past Billy Joel.
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy, then it's true
That it's all because of you Mm m...
And you wouldn't want me any other way
You may be right
I may be crazy
Dad?
Dad, are you okay?
Dad!
It's too late to fight
Dad?
Dad.
But you may be right
I'm not gonna depress you with the details,
so let's just say the next few years were complete shit.
On, God.
Well, except for one part.
I had Krista.
This was last Friday.
Look at me. I was in a good mood.
I love spoilers.
No.
Yes, I do. That means I don't have to watch it.
Then I can just know and move on with my life.
I'll give you a hint.
I knew it! I knew it. They get married, yes!
Whoa!
God, juvy made him so hot.
Oh, God, I forgot to tell you something.
He works at Petland now.
I should go in there and be like,
"Excuse me, where are the Betta fish?
"And also, could you put your penis inside me?"
Not you. God.
What if you actually did that?
What if you actually lost your virginity in a Petland?
I think it'd be kind of nice.
All the little tropical fish watching. It'd be kind of spiritual.
Oh, my God.
Could you please look at that stupid shirt my brother's wearing?
Oh, you can see his nipples.
How does he not realize that all that does is scream,
"I have a body complex worse than a girl's"?
How much does he even work out now?
It's OCD.
You should've seen him. He had a conniption
'cause my mom won't buy him creatine anymore.
Since it fucks up your kidneys.
I was like, "I know, Darian. I know.
"What, does Mom expect, you to win
"people over with your personality?"
Hey. So, just a heads up,
but yesterday, when you were giving your lecture, you were like,
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, then the North seceded from the Union,"
you meant to say the South seceded.
You accidentally said the exact opposite.
I didn't want to raise my hand and be all,
"Excuse me. These kids are pretty confusable."
Just thought maybe you'd want to know.
Oh, hey. Yeah?
Great catch. Yeah.
Now, I know that it was a long lecture, and you probably don't recall,
but, uh, was there any point during it where you thought to yourself,
"Gosh, I wonder what it's like to actually have a life"?
No.
No, I was too concentrated on how
you were effin' the whole thing up, so...
Well, I understand that,
but just know that I haven't given up hope. Not yet.
Okay.
Hey.
I like your sweatshirt today.
It's nice.
Thank you.
Where'd you get it?
The sweater. Sweatshirt.
I...
I don't know. I don't remember.
Kewlio.
- Yup. - Yeah.
Don't know where that came from. What?
- What's his name? - Erwin Kim.
I don't know him.
Well, you would freaking love him. He's adorable.
So, you gonna hook up with him?
No, not like that.
Like pathetic adorable.
Like I want to carry him around in a BabyBjérn.
Oh. Oh, good, good, good, good!
I caught you. I'm so glad. Oh!
Do you like this dress?
Does it look bad? I just think it looks kind of bad.
You know, it's kind of poofy, and I don't know.
Do my arms look bad?
No.
Yeah, you don't sound very believable,
and you're making me nervous, Nadine.
Your upper arms are breathtaking.
Where are you going? Well,
it's last minute, but Brent called me.
The dentist one.
And he asked if I wanted to go to Manzanita for the weekend,
and I thought, "You know what?
"I deserve to be a little selfish once in a while, so..."
Is that one of the, uh, match.com guys?
Yeah.
You should go for as long as you want.
Very funny. I'm gonna be back on Sunday. Okay?
Just in time to surprise you.
Oh, I tried to call Darian,
but he must be in his AP study group.
I'll tell him.
Be good.
What? Huh? Dibs. Dibs, dibs, dibs!
What are you even saying?
Oh. Mom's fucking a dentist in Manzanita for two days,
so I call dibs on the house, okay?
Ew. Bye!
Dude, you are so sick for saying it like that.
Mom's boobs are jangling around a dentist's face.
See it, Darian.
See Mom's titties all up in that dentist's face.
Ow!
Oh, my God, I love you.
I love those teeth in your mouth.
That's your nose. You just picked my nose.
No way. Mmm-mmm. Do a gainer!
Where are you going?
Darian!
You need to get all these people out of the pool.
Excuse me, all of you need to leave.
Bye-bye!
Hey, no one's listening to you.
You said you weren't gonna drink until after soccer.
You failed, failure!
Dude, I'm not drinking. It's orange juice, genius.
How drunk is she?
I've had one drink, okay?
Now, you get your friends out of the pool.
No.
Okay, then. I'm gonna call the cops.
Okay, yup, you're out off now. We're going upstairs.
Excuse me, I'm calling the cops.
Hey, you're retarded.
Beep-beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
I'm still dialing. Hello, operator?
Yeah, um, can you please help me?
Oh, my God.
My brother's hurting me in my no-no hole!
Why am I so grotesque?
How do you even like me? What's wrong with you?
Stop.
I don't even like me.
I heard my voice in a voice mail yesterday.
I was like, "How could anyone stand listening to you?"
You're just drunk right now, okay? I hate my face.
I hate the way it looks when I talk or when I chew gum.
Don't ever let me chew gum, okay?
Don't let me chew gum.
And then I had the worst thought.
I got to spend the rest of my life with myself.
Let's go to your room.
Don't you want to wake up in your bed tomorrow morning?
Don't you want to do that?
You don't want to sleep here. Come on, Nadine.
Hey, is there any more aspirin anywhere?
Maybe. Try... Try that thing over there.
Hey, no, you don't have to.
No, it's... It's cool. It'll just go faster, so...
All right.
So, what happened? Uh...
Somebody let Baxter in and he pissed.
Hey, can you do me another quick favor?
Can you grab me those paper towels?
Cool, and just clean up all this dog urine?
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What the fuck! Oh, oh! God. Can you...
Just get out. Get out of my room, man!
Just stop looking, man! Just get out!
I don't know, I don't know. I don't...
I swear I don't even know what happened.
I don't even know how it happened.
It was...
I don't know.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just... Just thinking.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Nadine, you can't just leave without saying anything.
Nadine.
Look, you're my best friend and I love you.
It wasn't your fault.
You disgust me.
That's nice.
Go grow yourself a wispy mustache, you pervert,
and stay away from my friends, okay?
Did you just say "friends" plural?
Your head is too big for your body.
It makes you look ridiculous, and you'll never be able to fix it.
Mr. Bruner.
I didn't have a chance to do the homework last night because...
Well, I don't know if you know this, but my dad passed away.
It's just been really hard to do anything.
Date of passing?
Sorry? When, uh... When did he die?
Um, 2011.
Ooh. Hmm.
Yeah, I have a one-year expiration date
on freebies for the dead and dying.
Are you serious?
There'll be other opportunities.
Your grandparents can't stick around forever.
Have a seat.
Okay, mass, the Young Mr. Lincoln.
Uh-huh.
Enjoy.
How was your weekend?
Hmm?
It was below average.
Yeah.
Okay.
How was your weekend?
Oh, I, uh...
I golfed.
You know, like, mini. Like mini-golf.
Like...
I don't know why I did that. I'll pick that up.
Um, but, yeah. Yeah.
Tim's Fun Park. Yeah.
I love that place.
We should go sometime.
Yeah, we should.
But with, like, a group of people.
Like, with several people.
Or just us.
Like, just-just-just us? Yeah. You know.
I think we... Yeah, or a group.
Yeah. Yeah. A group.
I think that would be... I think that would be great.
It would be so much more fun, right? Yeah.
You know. Yeah.
Hey, I'm gonna catch up with you guys, all right?
- All right, man. - See you later.
Hey. Hi.
Look, I just... I want to say that, uh,
you're my sister's friend,
and what happened the other night, you know...
Yes, thank you. Thank you. So weird.
Yeah, it was just...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was all me, 'cause...
Uh...
It was, uh... It was, uh...
Anyways... Yeah.
Cool. I'll see you...
At the house or...
Around. Cool.
Hey, um...
I had a really good time with you.
Me, too.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
One second.
It's cool.
Continue.
Okay, that was weird. That was a weird thing to do.
Um...
What do you want me to do, Nadine?
I want you to think about how shitty this is for me.
I know.
What if I did this to you?
What if...
What if I liked your dad?
What if I gave your dad a hand job?
- Oh, Louis. - Wow, you look so hot with that belt phone of yours.
Wow. Okay. Um...
Oh, Krista, you're home early! Okay.
Why? Why? Why? Why do you even like him?
I don't know.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
Is it a girl thing that, like, you hooked up with him, so now
you're emotionally attached? No.
Are you unconsciously mad at me, maybe,
and this is like some kind of revenge?
Are you unconsciously mad at yourself,
and this is some kind of self-punishment?
'Cause if that's what it is, then we can work...
Will you stop talking! Because you're driving me insane!
Please!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He invited me to a party on Friday.
And I want you to come with us.
Like you're gonna go with him, and I'm gonna tag along.
I'm gonna have to see if I'm around.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you for coming.
What? No, no, I'm having a great time.
Oh, hey. Hey, look, maybe you guys can fuck on the lawn later.
Please rise above yourself, Nadine.
Please suck several dicks, Darian.
Oh, hey. I want you to meet some people.
What's up? This is Krista.
- Hi! - Hi.
I'm Shannon. You were in my chem class last year, right?
Yes! Yes. Nice to officially meet you.
Oh, my God. I love your outfit. It's so cute.
Oh! Thank you very much.
I love the lace and the necklace. Thank you.
Hey, do you want to play, uh, beer pong?
Yes! I would love to play beer pong.
I don't really know a lot of people here.
That's totally fine. Like, you'll meet people.
It'll be a great icebreaker.
Sounds good.
Hi! I think I'm gonna go play beer pong with them.
Come on!
Yeah! New player!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
God, just don't be so weird.
God, why are you so awkward?
God. Just have a good time.
Just relax. Just relax. Have a good time.
Go talk to people.
Okay. All right, great. Yeah, perfect. I'll do that.
That's two cups!
I don't know how I did it! That's two cups!
It's cool if I sit here?
Yeah.
You having fun?
Feeling pretty good.
I respect that.
Hey.
Aren't you Darian Franklin's sister?
Yep.
Do you watch TBS ever?
Sometimes. There's this old movie
that's always playing on there.
It's got Arnold Schwarzenegger
and the little bald guy from It's Always Sunny?
Yeah, they play twin brothers.
Only Arnold's all tall and buff and hot.
Yeah, yeah, and the other guy's like little and funny looking.
Yes! God.
Twins! Yes!
I love that movie! Love that movie. It's so good.
You and your brother kind of remind me of that.
God.
Hi.
I need you to come pick me up.
How was it?
Uh, it was probably one of the worst nights of my life.
God. You wouldn't believe the night I had.
Sorry I look like hell.
What happened?
So, the dentist?
I was home tonight, having a relaxing glass of wine,
and I got an email
from his wife.
I was about to call Dr. Hill, hysterical, but then I thought, "No, Mona.
"You're gonna do this on your own.
"You've done everything on your own since 2011.
"You're gonna do this on your own, too."
God, I feel like such a loser.
You're not a loser.
I feel like one. You're not a loser, Mom.
You're attractive. You're good at decorating.
You're very diligent with your eyebrows.
Think about if it did work out, "Hey, did you floss today?
"You know, gum disease is a silent killer, Mona."
You know what I'm gonna do tonight?
What?
I want to go home.
Fix my hair.
Put on a beautiful face of makeup and the best dress I own.
Then take it all off and go to sleep.
Fun.
"Hey, Nick. I sent you a friend request a while ago.
"Maybe you just skipped over it.
"Or sometimes there's a glitch where Facebook doesn't send the email.
"So, I just thought that I'd
"inform you."
Oh, my God.
You are truly pathetic.
Hello.
Hey, it's Nadine from history.
Um, what are you doing right now? Uh... Oh, uh...
Hi, I'm, uh...
Hi. I'm just, uh...
Hey. Hi.
Hey. You all right? Yeah, I'm good.
'Cause I'm good. I mean, you good?
You all right? You cool? You all right? Great.
Yeah. What's up? Sorry, I keep...
How are you? Are you good? You all right?
Hey, so Tim's Theme Park's open late tonight.
Do you want to meet there?
So, how come they canceled the party?
Oh. By "canceled," I more meant I left. Ah.
Gotcha. Yeah.
Thanks for driving, by the way.
I don't have a license 'cause I'm like,
"Why not just have people drive you?"
People make such a big deal about
being able to do things for themselves.
That was a joke. I failed the test. on.
Hello.
You can get that.
Uh, no. It's cool.
Um, hey, look, there's no line at the Ferris wheel.
So, tell me something I don't know about you, Erwin.
I, uh...
What are your hopes and dreams?
Take me on a tour of your psyche.
Gee. I don't know. I guess I'm just your average guy, I guess.
Right, but if you had to expand
for the two minutes that we're on the ride?
Right.
What are your parents like? Ch. Well, my dad...
Actually, wait, wait, wait. Let's see if I can guess.
I want to see if I'm psychic. Okay, here it is. Sure. Okay.
Your mom gets on you about your grades
and practicing your instruments.
She makes a great egg sandwich
after years of owning a small restaurant downtown.
Your dad, quiet, gruff.
Never really says, "I love you." Um...
But with his stoic presence, I mean, you know he cares.
I'm really hoping none of that was racist,
but now I'm thinking all of it was.
No, no. Not racist at all, you know. You're good. Yeah.
Whoa! What are you... Oh, my God. Whoa, I'm sorry.
Was that bad timing?
'Cause I thought it was good timing
'cause you're on a Ferris wheel, you're upset.
Okay. I'm just trying to comfort you.
That was weird? We should probably get off.
We should get off. Yeah, that was...
Hey! Excuse me, could we be let off? Erwin. Erwin?
Can we please? Can we stop the fucking ride?
Can we just stop it?
I'm sorry for... I didn't mean to raise my voice.
Oh, my God, Erwin.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait!
Oh!
Okay. What!
You got it! That was all you. I got it.
We got it. We got it.
Holy crap.
Nobody saw that.
We're good. We're out of here.
This has been a really fun night.
I'm sorry if I flipped out on you on the Ferris wheel earlier.
Oh. No, my timing was just bizarre.
I'm going through a lot of shit right now.
It's a long story.
I'm sorry you're going through stuff.
You're a really great guy, Erwin.
Aww.
No, I'm serious.
I look at you and I just see this really, really,
really old man.
"Old"? I'm complimenting you.
I just see this very kind, very gentle, very wise old man.
In a convalescent home.
In a wheelchair.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Hi.
I...
I know you're mad at me because you think
that I ditched you to play beer pong, and...
I never said I was mad.
Okay, well, I know that you are, and...
Nadine.
Would you like to know an observation that I made this weekend?
Sure.
"Oh, my God, Shannon. Your outfit, it's so cute! I love it!"
Yeah, okay.
And you tossed me aside?
The person who's had your back since second grade.
Who's been with you through everything.
You know what? Fine. Yeah, that's what happened.
Because chances are, those pricks,
they're not gonna give a shit about you
when Darian drops your ass for someone hotter.
You don't know anything, Nadine.
Look, it's really shitty to hear. I'm sorry. It's gonna happen.
No, I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.
Because your brother just asked me
to be his girlfriend and to prom in May.
No. Yeah, he did.
He just asked me that.
You can't. You can't have both.
It's me or him. Pick.
No, I'm... No, I'm not gonna pick.
It's me or him. Do you want him?
Nadine. Nadine... Or do you want me?
This isn't a choice. Why can't you just say me?
Him or me, now! No, I'm not gonna pick!
You know what? Then we're done.
We're done.
Fine.
Nadine.
Hmm.
Hey, wake up.
You had a brain operation. It worked.
They made you pleasant and agreeable.
Ah, just wishful daydreaming.
Hey, the bell rang. Leave, please.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you know what, just ignore her. She's...
I'll call you later.
Bye.
I don't want to hear about it.
Work it out between yourselves.
In a couple weeks, Dad'll be dead four years.
When I was on my way home today, this memory came back to me.
It was that night,
after everything happened.
I got up to go to the bathroom, and I saw you
crying so hard.
I mean, so hard your pillow was just soaked.
That made me so sad.
I got up and I went in my room. I got my pillow.
Took the wet one for myself.
I wish you loved me that much.
Asshole.
No, no.
Hey, you're so messed up for bringing up that story.
You're so messed up!
I mean, do you even realize how sick
in the head you are for bringing that up?
Oh, I'm sorry you feel guilty for never oaring about anyone but yourself.
Oh, yeah. No, that's exactly it.
Face it, you're obsessed with yourself.
Oh, my God.
Your report card on the refrigerator, like you're five years old!
"Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody, look!
"I pooped in the big potty!"
God, do you even know what it feels like to love another human being?
Oh, man, you are so dramatic.
Okay? Hey, life isn't fair sometimes, Nadine, okay? Get over it!
I swear to God. I swear to God, I'm gonna clock you!
Don't touch me, man.
Stop saying stuff like that! Calm down already, man!
Stop it!
What is the matter with you?
I...
I know what this is about. No, you don't.
Yes, I do. Krista and Darian are a thing.
You guys think I don't know things, but I know things.
I'm leaving. No, you're not.
Where are you going? I'm taking a therapeutic walk.
Get back here!
Oh, God. Darian!
Just don't worry about it.
Can I just ask you a question?
Is it worth turning the house into a war zone?
What am I supposed to say to that?
I'm just... I'm just asking you the question.
I'm not turning it into a war zone, Mom.
She is. Why don't you talk to her?
Because she doesn't listen to me. You do.
You'll do the right thing. I know you will.
I mean, look at that drink you're making.
You want one?
Oh.
What did I do to make such a perfect kid, huh?
Could you point me in the direction of the cat litter?
Uh... Eight, I think.
You go to Lakewood, right?
Sometimes.
I've seen you around.
We've just never really talked.
Freshman.
Junior.
I don't really need the cat litter, I just, um...
I don't even know why I said that. I don't even have a cat.
I just know they shit a bunch, so...
I like your shoes.
I got to go.
Uh... Okay.
Look on the bright side, you know?
I mean, "Maybe they'll get married.
"And then my best friend will be part of my family."
Helpful, thank you.
It really bothers me she's not giving you rides anymore, though.
I'm gonna have to talk to her about that.
No, you're not!
I can't drive you every morning.
It puts me on the freeway late and adds 40 minutes.
If you do that, I will do something equally terrible to you.
I will tell everyone on Facebook that you pluck your nipples.
How about that?
All right. Look, just tell me what you wanna hear, and I'll say it.
Mom. I want to make you feel better.
What can I say to do that?
I don't know.
Here's what I do when I'm feeling down.
I get very quiet and very still.
And I say to myself,
"Everyone in the world is as miserable and empty as I am.
"They're just better at pretending."
Try it sometime.
It might bring you some peace.
Hey, do you guys know where Erwin Kim is?
I guess he hangs out around here sometimes.
Yeah, he's working on his project for SFF.
SF what?
The Student Film Festival.
Right. Yeah.
SFF.
Hey, um, I got to talk to you about some homework.
I didn't need to talk to you about homework, I lied.
You enjoying my company?
You're a barrel of monkeys.
You never told me if you have a wife.
You should date my mother.
Her last boyfriend turned out to be an Internet perv.
She's very, very fragile.
Very "Oh, save me."
Men like that, right, though?
'Cause at the end of the day they all want to be a hero.
Everyone just wants to feel important in life.
Thing is, no matter how important they are,
there's always gonna be someone more important.
People get so uptight about that.
"Oh, no! They're better than me."
It's like, God, they don't realize important doesn't matter.
It's confidence. The most confident person
in the room wins every single time.
It doesn't matter if it's real.
Doesn't matter if they're pulling it straight outta their ass.
People are dumb. They don't know the difference.
You know what?
I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna tell you
the real reason I'm having lunch with you today.
You see, I don't really have any friends at the moment.
And to be completely honest with you, I'm not interested at all.
My entire generation is a bunch of mouth-breathers.
They literally have a seizure if you take their phone away for a second.
They can't communicate without emojis.
And they actually think that the world wants to know that they are,
"Eating a taco, exclamation point, smiley face, smiley face."
Like we give a fuck.
I am an old soul.
I like old music and old movies
and even old people.
Bottom line is I have nothing in common with the people out there,
and they have nothing in common with me.
Nadine?
Max?
Maybe
nobody likes you.
You're a dick.
Maybe nobody likes you, huh?
You know, you're always in a shit mood.
You're a really shitty teacher.
You put zero effort into everything you do here,
and there's no way you're proud of that.
Look at you. Look at, like, you do nothing.
Look at your hair.
- You don't do your hair 'cause you don't have any hair. - You're bald.
And you know what? You know why you're not married?
Because bald men are gross, and they're disgusting
and especially the ones that make $45,000 a year.
What?
I've been doing this 23 years,
and you're the first person to ever underestimate my salary.
That made me feel good.
I mean, that part.
What are you doing?
I'm giving you half my cookie.
Why?
Make you feel better. Jesus.
Guess what?
You're my favorite student.
Does that help?
Am I really your favorite student?
Felt like the right thing to say.
I didn't mean like completely bald, by the way.
It's smart what you do there, too.
You kind of, you know...
I don't know. Do you poof it up a little bit?
Give a little zhuzh?
Glad you circled back around and cleaned that up.
Certainly made me feel better.
The dog's good, but our real competition is the hypnotoad.
- No, no. - Yeah. No, I'm serious.
Practice is so totally boring.
Hey.
Hey, I heard you were looking for me at lunch.
Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Oh, okay. I just got... Okay.
Hello? Sorry.
Um, I just took some medicine.
I'll call you after it kicks in.
Wait, wait, what's wrong? Are you sick?
No, I'm fine. I'm not... No.
Medicine, like, uh,
an antidepressant-whatever.
They gave them to me when my dad died.
I was only on them for like a month, though.
People take them, like, all the time.
It's totally normal.
Oh?
Does that make you think I'm pathetic all of the sudden?
Oh, no. No. No.
I think you're perfectly fine.
Seriously.
Hey, do you have a swimming pool?
Yeah. Can I come swim in it?
I know I could swim in mine. I just know I wouldn't relax.
Yes.
I got towels. We're good to go.
We're green. We're good.
Okay. Cool. I'll text you the address.
Yeah, I'll see you in a little bit, then.
Okay.
Yeah-yeah-yeah. Yes!
Hey.
Jeez, Erwin, I would've been nicer to you.
Ah.
God, I wish my bathtub got this hot.
Why didn't you tell me you were rich?
I thought I did. I always try to tell everyone.
What?
Well, you didn't tell me that you were in a film festival, either.
You don't tell me anything, Erwin.
Well, maybe it's because I couldn't get a word in.
Do I really talk that much?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna drown myself now. Goodbye.
Bye.
Hey.
Thanks for letting me come over.
I'm glad you did.
Do you wanna have sex right now?
Okay.
I'm just kidding. I was just...
You know that I was just playing out the movie scene.
You ever feel like you have to do that?
I mean, come on.
There's a waterfall. It's all romantic.
Sure. Sure. Yeah. Right.
I'm sorry. I just...
Whatever.
What, are you mad now? You can't be mad.
You were gonna have sex with me two seconds ago.
You don't say that stuff to a man.
Oh, "a man," huh?
All right.
Erwin, come... What are you doing?
You're gonna press a button that sucks me into the drain, aren't you?
Dickhead You're such a dickhead
Oh, my God.
And everybody knows it
Everyone but you
You're a dickhead
I hope you'll soon be dead
And this is payback time for what you put me through
You're a dickhead
Everybody's said
I hope you like the song so screw you
So, what's your film about, anyway?
Still figuring it out. Uh...
My drawing teacher asked a few of us to enter an animation project.
Oh, that's cool. I didn't know you draw. What kind of stuff?
Look at these. Wow.
Damn, Erwin.
Yeah, this is mostly unfinished.
Just doodling, mostly.
But not quite where I...
Oh, I think I found my favorite.
Oh, yeah, my parents love that one, too.
Do they? No, they don't.
That's just... No, they're very conservative. No. They don't.
Wow. They're both you, right?
Yeah, I'm multifaceted.
Rad self-portrait.
Man.
Wow.
Man, Erwin, you're really good.
Do you, uh, you know, want to come on Saturday?
To see the film?
It's early in the morning, super inconvenient, so...
I mean, I hope you say yes,
but, you know, you can take that and think about it.
I don't expect an answer, like, right now.
I mean, 'cause that would be rude.
That's a lot of pressure.
So, just laying it out there.
Yeah, I'd love to come.
Oh. Okay.
Are your parents going?
I could just sit with them.
Well, my parents are in Korea for three months.
So, they won't make it. Are you serious?
You've had this whole place to yourself for three months?
Yay.
No, I get it. It's... It's a big house.
You're bored.
You know what you need?
You need someone to rob you, so you can reenact Home Alone.
That is...
That is exactly what I need. Thank you.
That's crazy.
You're so bad.
I can't get out.
Can you just go around the block once?
I'm not going around the block. We're here.
Look, it's an inappropriate time. Just go.
I have to be at work at 8:30, Nadine.
Oh, my God.
Are we really back to this again?
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Thank you. You could just loop around up here.
No, no, no.
I'm going to work. You're coming with me.
You know, my boss isn't gonna be happy about it,
and you're the one that gets to explain it to him.
Don't you have something to do?
Schoolwork or something?
Hmm?
Can I have this hole punch? Give that to me.
I want you to just sit there for the next eight hours
and don't touch anything and don't make any noise.
Can I mime?
You're not funny.
If my husband had any idea what I was gonna have to deal with...
I love how you refer to him as your husband.
He is my husband.
You can run off and get a new husband.
What he is, is my dad.
Can't you just say that occasionally? Fine.
But we're not talking about him right now. 'Cause it's just too upsetting.
"It's just too hard and too sad
"and it gives me a cluster headache."
I know.
Oh, my God. You have no compassion.
Actually, I'm just bored because I know
everything you're gonna do before you do it.
Sure you do. Oh, you don't believe me.
No, I don't.
I'm gonna write down the next thing you're gonna say to me.
I'm not gonna play
your little games, Nadine. Your little games, Nadine.
Congratulations. Mmm.
All right, you know what?
Here's something you're not gonna guess.
Hmm.
Your dad would be so disappointed in the way you're turning out.
Did you just take my keys?
Nadine.
Don't you take that car!
I will call the police!
God.
"Nick, I'm just gonna say it.
"I like you. I've liked you for months.
"I think about you every second.
"I don't know, maybe I even love you.
"You're so complicated. But simple.
"And I just feel this connection between us.
"I feel like I already know you, and I just wanna be with you.
"I wanna give you head.
"I want you to put your mouth on my tits.
"I wanna feel you inside me.
"We can do it in the Petland stockroom.
"Nadine."
Oh, my God.
You sound like a fuckin' psychopath.
You can't send this.
What? No.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, no way. No, no, no way. No.
Fuck!
Oh, my God!
Shit.
Look, I don't want to take up a ton of your time,
but I'm gonna kill myself.
"You're complicated. And simple.
"And I just feel this connection between us.
"Feel like I already know you."
This is kind of sweet. I mean, I think you're overreacting.
"I just wanna be with you. I wanna give you head.
"I want you to put your mouth on my tits.
"I wanna feel you inside me." Mmm.
"We can do it in the Petland stockroom."
Say something.
Oh, my God. Say something, please! Help me!
You need to watch out for run-on sentences.
But can't you just do something?
Can't you just do something?
You've gotta be able to do something.
Come on.
I don't know, maybe confiscate his phone? Um...
Oh, his computer. His computer.
You can maybe get his address.
If you get his address, and you confiscate his phone.
Great. Get his address. You give it to me.
I'm gonna go there, and I'm...
Nadine, Nadine.
Just take fifth period off, all right? Try to relax.
Listen to some music. Have a yogurt.
Maybe just take it easy. Can you do that?
And, uh, if you have any, you know, complications,
let me know.
Okay? Okay.
Don't worry. Thank you.
It's gonna be okay.
Thank you.
Can I have some money for the yogurt?
I want change.
I just want you to know
I've never been more humiliated in my entire life.
I absolutely cannot...
Okay, Nadine, so now I need you to pick up the phone.
I just don't understand you, Nadine. I...
If you think you're keeping that phone, you are dreaming.
The second you come home, that phone is going.
I am done. I am done trying to understand you.
Come on. Please.
Please, God, help me.
Why do I even bother?
Why do I even...
You've never given me one thing.
Any time I ask you for anything, you're like,
"You need help with something? Let me help you.
"I'm just playin'. I'm gonna butt-fuck you some more."
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What?
Holy shit.
Oh, my God. Okay. Calm down.
Just relax.
Um...
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you.
Ooh.
Oh, mother...
Oh, my...
How many of those do you bet are this asshole's?
Please hurry the hell up and graduate.
Hey, one sec.
Oh, tell Krista about the time when...
What? Wait. Just slow down. What do you mean?
Okay, Mom, calm down.
Man, I do my best to big you up.
I'm just saying, we could've won every game.
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
Are you kidding, man? No, it's a long story.
All right. I'll see you.
See you, man.
Hey. Hey, what happened? It's fine.
It's not fine.
No, you're having fun. You should stay.
I'll come with you.
Thanks. Yeah.
Hey.
You look cute.
Thank you.
So do you... Yeah.
Mom?
Hey, Mom?
Oh.
What are you doin'?
It's going to Goodwill. All of it.
Everything that's on the floor, gone!
Mom, why don't you just calm down, okay?
No. I'm done putting up with it.
All Of this?
All right. Hey.
Oh, my God! Can you believe it?
It's okay. What is this?
What is all this crap?
Just please, please stop for a second.
She left her flat iron on.
She wants to burn the goddamn house down!
Can you stop for a second, please? This is going.
Okay. All right. All right. All right.
Stop. Just give it to me. Hey!
Just give me the bag! Hey!
I am the adult here! Not you.
Then why do you always call me?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just don't have anybody else. You're the only one.
What are you doing?
I'm handling it.
Wow.
Look at this view, it's amazing.
Look, you know what to do.
I'm not gonna be an asshole and tell you.
Look, you know what to do...
I love this song.
It's really good.
I can't believe this is happening.
There's so much that I've wanted to tell you and ask you.
And I just can't believe this is happening.
Um...
Oh, wow, this just keeps going back, doesn't it?
Pull this down.
Oh, God.
I... I don't know if...
Yeah. Just...
Hold on, I gotta...
I don't know if I should...
No, get off! Get off! Off!
Get off! Okay! Okay.
What the hell?
I, uh... I really liked that song earlier. What was the name of it again?
Uh, I don't remember.
I can just google it.
Anyway,
do you maybe wanna go for a walk or something?
We could maybe catch a movie.
Or we could sit here silently in your Mercury Marquis all night.
Are you serious?
What?
What, now you're making fun of my car?
What? No. I was just being specific.
I wasn't saying that because it's shitty.
All right.
No, God, no. Look, I love your car, okay.
I don't even have a car.
I'm just acting weird, and this is just all a lot.
And please stop. Please don't leave.
Fuck! What?
I don't understand you. What do you... What?
What do you want?
What do you mean, what do I want?
What do you want!
To talk. To get to know you.
Not just do it in the first five seconds.
You wrote me a novel about how you were dying
to blow me in Petland, you psycho.
I'm not here to get to know you.
This is so stupid. So stupid.
Why didn't I listen to my friends?
Oh, come on. Come on.
Now you're gonna try to make me the bad guy?
You're the one who messaged me.
I hope you hit a tree in this piece of shit.
I hope you get fucking paralyzed!
Let's go, lady.
Did you get a donut from these people?
No.
What the...
Why is that baby in your house?
Oh, shit. How the hell'd that thing get in here?
Hello.
This is Toby. And this is Greer.
- Hi. - How are you?
Good, how are you doin'? Good.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, nice...
Now, your mother's number?
And who's got the stinky feet? Who's got the stinky feet?
Let me smell. Hold on.
Oh! Oh! Ohh.
Toby's got the stinky feet.
Don't stare. It makes him self-conscious.
Can I get you something else?
Any ice cream or anything before I put the baby down?
I'm good, thank you.
No, no, I can feed and water her from here.
All right.
Come on, tiny man. It's you and me, buddy.
Big boy. There you go.
Yeah.
Look, I just want to say, I don't know the whole story,
but, whatever it is, it'll pass.
I went through a rough time not too long ago, too.
But look where it led me.
This is the face of hope.
All right. Good night.
I'll be in, in a minute. All right. Good night.
- Good night. - Say, "Night-night."
Good night. Night-night, Daddy.
Night-night.
I think that's for you.
Come on.
No, that's not my mother. Don't open the door.
Hello there.
What are you doing here?
Get in the car. Let's go.
No, Mom's picking me up. No, she's not.
Get in the car.
Well, I don't feel like getting in the car with you and her.
Do you know what I've been doing all night?
I'll find another ride.
Hey. Hey, get in the car.
Stop!
No, you think this is fun for me?
Let go of me! You think I like this?
Where were you?
You can't pick up your phone even once?
You don't need to pretend to give a shit about me
just because people are watching.
Oh, give me a break.
Oh, face it.
You can't wait to take me home so you can be Mom's little hero.
You live for that shit.
Just let it go.
Darian.
Darian?
Hey, I just want you to know you're right, Nadine.
Darian, we don't need to do this... You're right about everything!
I don't give a shit about you.
I'm only here for me, and my life is fuckin' incredible.
I love it.
No, I love spending another night talking Morn off the ledge.
I love only applying to schools nearby
because who knows what'll happen in the house
if I'm not around to fix it?
And I love
that the one person who makes me feel
like I could take a fuckin' breath,
I can't have without completely destroying you.
So, you're right.
You're right. It's a blast.
I win.
Hey, can you give her a ride home, please?
Thanks.
Look, I'm not very good at this kind of thing. Uh...
But I think we both know what needs to be said right now,
so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
Get out of the car.
Bye. See you Monday.
Hey.
Look, I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry for being a bitch tonight.
For the past couple weeks.
And the past 17 years before that.
I know this isn't any easier for you.
I know that.
I think some deranged part of me likes thinking
I'm the only one with real problems.
Like that makes me special.
You know, ever since we were little,
I would get this feeling like...
Like I'm floating outside of my body, looking down on myself.
And I hate what I see.
How I'm acting, the way I sound.
And I don't know how to change it.
And I'm so scared
that that feeling is never gonna go away.
I'm sorry.
Really.
Good night.
Hey, Nadine.
Good night. Good night.
Hey- Hey-
You're up early.
Uh, yeah. I, um, I got... I got a thing to go to.
Yeah.
Well, have a good day.
You as well.
Have a good day, both of you.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
Um...
Can I call you later?
Okay.
That was good. Mmm-hmm.
Right? That was so good.
I miss her.
Nadine?
Sit back, relax, and get ready to enjoy the films.
Turn off your cell phone, please.
Can I squeeze in? Thanks.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Really somethin', wasn't it? Let's keep things going.
Our next entry, ladies and gentlemen, comes from Erwin Kim of...
Whoo!
Thank you. Of Lakewood High-Mr. Kim, would you like to come out
and say a few words about your film?
Come on.
Hello. Thank you for coming. Um...
Hope you enjoy this, uh...
My, uh...
Uh...
You can just take this. Thanks. Thank you.
Whoo.
Uh, okay. Well, here it is.
Mr. Kim's film.
Once upon a time on a planet called Not Saturn
at Alien Planet High School...
Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!
...there was an alien adolescent who was struck by love.
Hmm? Mmm-mmm.
Hmm?
Mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Aww.
Huh?
Hmm.
Oh.
Aww.
Uh-oh.
Mmm.
Too late!
Pool party!
Whoo!
Erwin.
That...
Wow.
Well, I mean, I wouldn't go that far.
It was all right. It was amazing. Really.
Oh, thanks!
And I got the message, all right? I know...
I know she's me.
But I already figured out how great you are.
You're so fucking great.
You're like the best person I know.
What? What's wrong?
Um, the film wasn't about you.
Oh, God.
Shoot
Sorry, I thought maybe because the hair
and, like, the cool shoes that... Oh...
Wow. I'm one of those people that thinks everything is about them.
I'm just messing with you.
Yeah, I'm just messing with you. I set that up.
You shithead. Yes.
Felt pretty good. You... You being nervous for once.
And I'm just over here, like, just sniff in' my flowers.
I hate you so much.
You free to hang?
Yeah, I am. Cleared my whole schedule for you.
Oh, good. Come on.
Say hi to some people.
Dude, you did such a good job.
Insane!
Thank you, thank you.
Guys, this is Nadine.
Hi. How's it goin'?
Good, how are you?
I'm good. Thanks. That was so good.
I just can't get over it. It was amazing.