There ain't no place like the south.
We call it "God's Country."
And not because somebody decided
to spread the Bible Belt around it.
Now, we believe that the almighty chooses
the wild and foolish stuff of this life to confound
even the wisest of folks.
You don't have to drive too far to find chainsaw carvings
boiled peanut stands.
There's a chicken house turned into a flea market.
There's the rural town they turned into a Bavarian village
as an excuse to sell beer and funnel cakes, a big chicken
or the 150 foot water tower in the shape of a peach
that people keep mistaking for a giant butt.
Well, this tale spotlights one of them southern oddities
and his name is Bill Bailey IV.
'Even trade, right?'
You got the papers?
Known around these parts as Crackerjack.
♫ Ain't a little girl she's a little in love ♫
♫ Used to love me now she don't no more.. ♫♫
Oh, I'm sorry. This is, uh, a vital asset.
My investment portfolio.
Emma!
Get back here right now and bring this man his baby doll.
His story is what I'd like to call a Southern Fairytale.
I used to think it was a folktale.
That wasn't until I learned that in folktales
characters use their brains
to get out of their predicaments
and I can assure you that none of the characters
in this tale will be using their brains.
So, once upon a time..
In a land, far to the south..
There was a damsel in distress
a little person, and a curse
that was thought to be good and bad.
Pecan?
No, thank you.
Oh.
Well, I made you a small..
Um, pie.
I hope you're not allergic to nuts.
That's not necessary, thank you.
Good, there's a patch of pecan trees behind us
so I figured "Waste not, want not."
Like the Bible says.
Actually, that's not in the Bible.
Oh.
Oh, do we get one of these?
After you've completed the course.
One should take driver's ed
in order to get the driver's license, so..
Mama says, men are the ones who need help driving
women just need to know how to get them in gear.
'Course she's on fifth gear.
Hmm.
Should we start without..
Oh, yes, sir. I was just waitin' on you.
Oh. Okay.
I usually begin by getting both sides of how you met.
Ooh, fifth grade.
Miss Figgly's class.
I whispered, "Piggly Figgly" real loud in class.
He raised his hand and took on my punishment.
I knew that day he might be the one.
'Course then he popped the question.
♫ My true love
♫ Is a blue-eyed daisy
♫ She sure enough
♫ Sends me crazy
♫ My honeybee
♫ My honey..
♫ My honeybee ♫
And we've lived happily ever after.
Hmm.
What's your fiance's name?
Oh, sorry.
Bill Crackerjack Bailey IV.
Crackerjack?
As in a person or thing of exceptional quality or talent.
He actually named himself Crackerjack
'cause it was a good baseball name.
His daddy loved ball.
Like father, like son?
No!
Uh, I mean, n-no.
His daddy left.
'The Bailey men have been sorta cursed that way.'
♫ My heavenly home is bright and fair.. ♫♫
They all go out for beef jerky and..
♫ Nor pain nor death can enter there.. ♫
'Course we've never spoken about any of this.
His mama told me.
He don't like to dwell on the past.
♫ I feel like travelling on
♫ Nor pain nor death can enter there.. ♫♫
So playing ball is a coping mechanism
for him to escape the pain of his father's abandonment?
I need to write that down.
I imagine he still plays ball.
A little.
He actually is an entrepreneur
and a collector of invaluable treasures.
It's all just a matter of time for him.
I just don't wanna be one of those women
who prods her man.
Sometimes, we men need a jolt.
You should write that down.
Say, you've been engaged..
Oh, um..
Uh, 20 years, five months and..
I use this to keep count.
Oh, Lord, I have not taken..
Oh, Lord.
Um, not that we're..
That as allowed, we have been living together as friends.
Oh, Lord, he is gonna shoot me.
And he's non-violent.
Dang it. Dang it! Dang it. No.
He's marriage material, I promise. I..
Wait, what if Crackerjack comes?
He won't. He plays softball on Fridays.
Softball?
It's Saturday.
He plays softball then too.
So while our damsel went home to discover
whether they had procreated
our hero... recreated.
You're like the circus de friggin' solei of softball.
You should go pro, CJ.
Nah.
Softball doesn't define me.
Scared Hitless is playing sons of pitches at five
and Laney needs players like this.
Then Dave with nine inch mouth's at five pitch
to play all of us, that's a seven.
Dodge is gunning at six o'clock.
'Crackerjack.'
You bring your, uh, thing?
I brought mine.
Oh, Lord. Please do not tell me you're doin' that here.
- Not those... - They're collectibles.
Right, right.
No, not here. Come on.
Keep moving.
Hey, you need a real job.
You need to grasp the idea of investment income.
Oh, I grasp the idea that your only form of income
is Sherry's pie sales.
Oh, can't a man have his refuge?
- What's her name? - Connie Lynn.
- Connie Lynn meet Luby Chuck. - Hold up.
There's no cash being exchanged here?
Matter of time.
Didn't you ever collect baseball cards as a kid?
Yeah. Keyword, kid.
Dang it, woman, that's why we have children.
- To weed eat. - Here, just to make it fair.
I got some good quarters here
some collector's items right there.
Oh, whoa, Alaska?
I do not substitutionarily cuss when I'm drinkin'.
You're gonna be around later Masterbatters could use one.
Hey, whoa, whoa, Jimmy.
Let's not forget that playoff game.
That was three years ago, Ray.
In a city league.
History always repeats itself.
You need to show some love to Jimmy.
Jimmy plays with Masterbatters.
He can show love to himself.
Once a Masterbatter, always a Masterbatter.
No, that's not true.
Things can change.
Like what?
What if you won the jackpot?
The jackpot would change you
and history would not repeat itself.
Nope. Wouldn't change a thing.
Confucians say
"No matter where you go, there you are."
What the hell does a fortune cookie have to do...
What? What are we talkin' about anyway?
Masterbatters.
Bobby with Balls of Steel wants us.
Hey, what is Sherry doin' texting you?
- Give that. - "I love you."
Call it male intuition
but we men have a way of spottin'
a woman's smoke signal a mile away.
You ain't leavin' us, are you?
CJ?
No.
Yeah. No.
♫ Oh won't you come home Bill Bailey ♫
♫ Won't you come home
♫ Hit 'em on home ♫
Where you been?
Pickin' flowers for you.
CJ, you know I planted those this mornin'.
Hey.
I-I texted I love you.
Not I want you.
I love you.
I love you too.
No, you don't. You love softball.
Yeah.
Uh, no.
I hate softball.
You love it.
What's wrong?
Nothin' is wrong. What's wrong with you? Nothin'.
Nothing's wrong with us.
I guess I'm nesting.
Are we expecting someone?
Yes. No, don't leave.
I mean, no. The place is filthy. We need a budget.
Oh, Lord.
'Oh.'
Uh-huh.
'Oh! Send it back.'
Ugh! Run away. That is..
Sherry.
Oh, come on.
Sherry.
Okay, just tell me, what..
Happened to my foosball table?
I rearranged.
For?
Oh, n-now, we pledged not to converse after 11...
Are you pro-life or pro-choice?
As in we never talk politics and such.
I love you.
Piggly Figgly.
Don't make fun of fat people.
And I'm pro-sex life.
And with one sure act of libido
Crackerjack was certain that he had calmed
whatever storm was raging.
I need to leave.
Just when a man thinks he's out of the woods
You know what they say..
"If the tree falls in the forest"
"it's liable to hit you."
Go get it, Bitty.
Go get it.
I need my money.
I told you, I'll get it soon.
I need it now.
Wait a second.
'Get back, Bitty.'
You need to fix your dog.
He made puppies down the street, and they are ugly.
Hand it over, Richie Rich.
Oh, uh.. That ain't money.
That is a treasure trove of high numismatic value.
Oh, here.
This pecan log is worth
twice as much as those thin mints.
I ain't gettin' no barter badge.
- 'Is your girlfriend here?' - Yeah.
- Maybe. - Not.
I'll be back.
Sherry?
'Prepare for our weapons of man destruction.'
'Losers never win.'
Hey. Some girl came by wantin' some logs.
Uh.. She said yours was better than Stuckeys.
I told her you'd be back..
Soon.
Uh, well, I better go, I got a, uh, a ball..
Bearing. It's loose.
Call me.
- The sun is out. - What happened?
He needs to protect the greens.
This ain't the Masters, Ned!
You gotta go.
Whoa, Ned, Ned.
Hey, Ned.
You're gonna walk away from your helm?
Leaving these men without a life boat?
I need my softball today, Ned. I need it bad.
Look who dodged our bullets.
Dodged you, Clay.
You forfeiting, Bailey?
Forfeiting?
Do you know the difference between a boy and a grown man
when it comes to trespassin' on to a muddy field?
Yeah, me neither.
Ball two. 2-0.
What's red, Bailey..
And has a way of gettin' all over you?
Just pitch it.
Son of a..
Georgia Clay!
Bass-turd.
At least I know my daddy.
Which one?
♫ Won't you come home Bill Bailey ♫
♫ Won't you come home
♫ Won't you come home Bill Bailey ♫
♫ Won't you come home
♫ Won't you come home now ♫
- This is our battlefield, Ned. - Mm-hm.
Where we assume the roles of noble Warriors of Old.
We must skirmish here to fight another day
as men in the real world.
Now, you ain't gonna deprive us of our nobility, are ya?
Dang it!
My wife's gonna have me puttin' up friggin' beadboard.
Mine'll have me antiquing.
You ain't got a wife.
Mamma likes the knick-knacks.
Mine will..
I gotta go.
I'm returning your call.
'I didn't call.'
You, you can come back.
I'm swearing off softball forever.
'Don't pee on my baby's leg and tell her it's raining.'
'Momma, get off the phone.'
'CJ, did you see my note and all?'
No. Yeah.
♫ ...to nothin'
♫ But a burnin' what I never knew ♫
♫ Darlin' it ain't so bad
♫ Livin' with nothin'
♫ When nothin' is greater than two ♫
Just like that, our hero stumbled into a place
he hadn't been to in a long time.
♫ Me and you ♫ Me and you ♫
I told you you little half-pint vulture.
I ain't got the money.
Good morning.
We're with the visitation committee
from Second United Community Church.
Welcome to the family, Bill.
I feel like I wanna.. Listen.
After last night, we felt it our duty to ensure you got
your wheels back under you.
Last night?
Dude, can I pee indoors?
Where's your bride?
- Who? - Your betrothed.
The lady of the lodgment.
She's, uh, temporarily predisposed to-to being
incapacitated elsewhere.
Our shut-in committee can bring over a casserole
or two until she gets to feeling better.
- That's awful kind... - Outdoor foosball?
That's just temporary. I..
Two on two. Let's do this, bro.
Sit down.
You know, parts of last night
are a-a bit obscured from my recollection.
Hopefully, Bill, not the part where you walked the aisle
and accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
You joined the church, and you checked this box.
You see, Bill, our church likens ourselves to a body
and we're the parts of the body.
Bucky here is the cerebrum of our corpus
as the associate pastor
and I'm the senior pastor and I fancy myself
the heart, however I could pass as the stomach.
Now, Paul and Boomer are the hands and feet.
They were kind enough to take you home last night.
You might be an eyeball, or an ear, or spleen.
Oh-oh.
We're ready to graft you in, brother.
I-I am obliged.
However, I don't feel
quite worthy of being called... religiously.
Religiously?
Uh, Bill, I didn't get religion when Papa God
reached through those cell bars and set me free.
That's a fanciful image but...
Oh, no, no, no. Son, it's not a metaphor.
I was the lowest scum-sucker in prison for seven years.
- Mm-hmm. - I was a dead man.
But then the father knocked me over like a kingpin
with his bowling ball of love.
Strike!
♫ And up from the grave I rose ♫♫
Now, those last parts were metaphors.
Nothing against you folks or, um, Jesus..
Or your father but..
Did you just... throw..
You play softball, right?
No. Yeah. No.
Dude, you're sent to break the First Baptist Hex.
- I can feel it. - What position do you play?
Pitcher mainly.
Bro, show me your junk.
Whoo!
That dog'll hunt!
Ain't it like God to scout and recruit us an MVP.
Dude, it's your predestiny.
Y'all play softball at church?
- Religiously. - 'Yeah.'
I-I gotta, um..
I-I promised my, bride..
I..
I understand. Wife comes first.
Hey! I can fix your hood.
Thanks, but I'll take care of it.
'Hey, listen.'
Come on back when you can now.
We love you, brother.
Love..
♫ Sweet magnolia
♫ Jumpin' jasmine..
♫ Gonna tickle your momma
♫ You're the best thing I ever seen ♫
♫ My honeybee ♫
'My baby's home to stay.'
She ain't going back with the likes of you.
Momma, stop it.
Ask him if he's playing softball.
You heard him on the phone, momma.
Don, you ask him.
He's like a drug addict with that ball.
You quit playing ball, boy?
Yeah.
And Elvis is alive and in my bed.
Sherry, this ain't rocket surgery.
'The boy don't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out!'
Get your stuff.
CJ, It's great that you found me and all
I just need to make sure that you..
'She ain't going back with you!'
She ain't going back with you.
Bitty misses you.
He wants things back the way they were.
He knows they ain't gonna go back the way they were.
- Right? - Why not?
You ain't deserving of my baby girl, now move on.
You know they ain't gonna go back the way they were.
'Right?'
- I rearranged. - Are we expecting someone?
Are you pro-life or pro-choice?
I'm nesting.
- We need a budget. - Sherry.
I..
I need to get things back.
Oh.
CJ, playing ball is a coping mechanism for you to escape
the pain of your father's abandonment.
Sherry, he ain't overpowering you, is he?
I think maybe we require a brief season removed from each other.
CJ, don't run.
I'll be back to get you... later.
Don't let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split ya.
Playin' softball you watch and see.
He swore off it, momma.
It ain't about the softball.
And just like that corndog you ate at the county fair
the curse had re-surfaced and things were fixing
to get a whole lot messier.
Why haven't we ever heard about this place?
It's Church League.
So?
Wow!
'Whoo woo-hoo-hoo!'
Predestiny's child is in the house.
That jersey looks good on you, bro.
What's up?
What is this place?
Dude, they're Baptist. Everything is big.
We call it the Hex-dome, but this will be the year, baby!
What is that?
'That's the mini-vac.'
'He plays?'
Little man can suck up balls like a dip
in the cold end of the pool.
Ain't that right, Bucky?
'Hey, hey, Bill! Whoo!'
Bucky said your wife released you to heed the call
of the wild at heart.
And doing outreach too, oh!
- I feel like I need... - This here's Ray and Dodge.
Hello, boys! Welcome to our band of brothers.
I'm warmed up.
I'm good. Thanks.
I'm done.
Mr. Rogers, a munchkin, what's next?
We will judge you! We will judge you!
'Ladies and gentlemen'
'please rise for the the second coming.'
We will judge you.
You're not welcome here.
This is my church, and you're not worthy
of fielding its holy grounds.
Since when did you get religion?
I'm born-again, brother.
And this time as a champion
with a ten-peat winning streak.
- Yeah? - Huh.
Well, our church is gonna whip your church's ass.
None shall escape the judgment!
♫ I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord ♫
♫ I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord.. ♫
Time to face the judgment..
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No need to be greedy, brother.
♫ In the army of the Lord..
Oh, that's enough. You alright?
I'm fine.
- Good luck, buddy. - Thanks a lot.
You got it, you got it. You got it!
Oh. Nice try.
Now, this don't change my love for you boys
but we abide by Church League rules here.
No alcohol.
What the hell?
Man, I love you, but no profanity neither.
Oh. He's gonna need this alcohol
if you don't want that profanity.
♫ I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord ♫
♫ I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord ♫♫
Oh, come on. This thing?
'Come on, baby. Let's do it Buck.'
Rock-a-bye baby.
There we go.
'Ball one.'
'Good eye, buckaroo.'
'Ball two.'
- 'Yeah.' - 'Ball three.'
How am I supposed to hit strikes when they're small?
'Bucky, keep it up, baby.'
'Ball four. Thank you.'
'Freakin' out.'
Come on, baby. Bring it to the boom daddy.
Look out! Watch out for that one.
Oh!
Judge not lest you be judged, people!
- Batter up! - Nice.
Bam.
Ball.
Bill! We got one homer. That's all we want.
What?
- What the... - Church League rules, man.
- Only one home run per game. - What?
Welcome to Church League, bass-turd!
♫ Won't you go home Bill Bailey ♫
♫ Won't you go home ♫
We need to show the love of Jesus!
Oh!
Come on, let's go guys. Huddle up.
Let's go, let's go. Come on.
Listen, men.
There's no shame in loss if it brings us closer together, okay?
Alright, now who's got anything? Who's got something?
Unspoken.
What's that?
A prayer request you want to keep private.
Unspoken.
Bullwinkle! This is men's ministry!
You'll fight for each other on that field but not off?
Right here in this circle! That's what counts.
We need some team training.
It's a desecration to the game.
So you're gonna bail on us too?
I can't hit the ball over the fence.
Dude, we forgive you for your outs.
I can help you with your hitting.
Listen, we play those cretins again.
You authored our first brawl..
A fissure in the wall, unleashing the pent up.
Argh!
Help us overthrow the love pastor.
You can't run from predestiny.
Ah!
Excuse me.
I was told this here is where I can buy some pies.
Come back tomorrow.
No, no. Because of the hood I couldn't see it.
That's an easy fix..
I.. Please, officer, I..
I-I.. If you can.. I just need those pies.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
A man has to go through a lot of pies
in order to get finally get a humble one.
Ah! There it is.
Holy mother of..
Yeah.
What's all this worth?
Only worth something if somebody wants it.
You believe that, right?
No. Yes.
Well, what is it? No or yeah?
Look, the-the timing is such that I only posses
the down payment on the acquired, required...
Put those down.
Come on.
Grab it right here.
Yeah, put your hand right there.
There you go.
You could get a lot for this from..
No.
I-I don't feel comfortable not having some form of payment.
You don't have anyone expecting you home tonight, do you?
"So the son demanded his inheritance money"
"from his father, and then he went out and wasted it on.."
Pretty dresses.
Wait a minute. Wait just a second. Yeah.
"The son, now broke, had to take a job feeding pigs.
"He was so hungry, he wanted to eat what the pigs ate."
"Then he thought, dude, I'll just go home and tell my father
"I'm not worthy to be called his son.
"But while the son was still a long way off
"his father saw him.
"And he.."
Shot him dead.
"No, his father saw him and he ran to his son"
"and he threw his arms around him and he said.."
Go kill the fatted calf.
My son whom I love has come home.
Huh? Come on!
Hey, hey, hey. Why don't you lay off the balloons assassinations?
You were terrible.
Thanks.
I'm your worst nightmare.
That's your given name?
What name your daddy give you?
- What is it? - 'Bill.'
Ah-ah.
What's your last name?
- Bailey. - How old are you?
What, are you taking a census?
Tom, ready to go little man?
- Did he behave, pops? - Oh, yeah.
Momma, that man's name's Bill Bailey.
You mean, won't you come home Bill Bailey?
♫ Won't you come home I cried the whole night long ♫♫
It's amusing, but, uh..
'Go, give hugs.'
- Hey. - No hands.
See you next time, Bill Bailey. I'm your worst nightmare.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Glo, Freddy needs you downstairs.
'It's mom's night out.'
So, go back out.
Tell him I'm coming.
Your "eyescrem" chocolate?
So how often do you throw these parties with the mime?
Who Paul? Whoa. Performance artist.
And he does this 'cause..
Dude, it's a long story.
He should probably tell you.
I'll see you at practice.
MVP.
Boomer said you had a story.
What's your story?
I..
It's a waste of breath right now.
Huh?
Learn your lines.
I didn't say I was coming back.
Ray?
Ray!
♫ You go home Bill Bailey ♫
Look at him. The boy doesn't know whether to scratch
his watch or wind his butt.
'You need to leave.'
Come on, you ain't got no where else to go..
Yes!
You got Crackerjack.
'Congratulations.'
'You're the proud papa of a new preemie.'
♫ My baby doll cute as a muffin ♫
♫ Face full of freckles and a heart full of stuffing ♫
'I just acquired it.'
♫ Me and my baby doll
♫ My baby doll..
♫ Taking a bite of a cherry Popsicle ♫
All Yankee coins, right?
Yeah, and Idaho. What'd they name him?
You got the birth papers, right?
I'm sorry. They weren't collectors.
Ah, hell!
Well, it's still worth a lot.
♫ My baby doll cute little cuddle ♫
♫ Been makin' me squeal like a piggy in a puddle ♫
♫ Google and giggle jiggle and juggle ♫
♫ Me and my baby doll
♫ Get out the soap get on the double ♫
- Sherry, I got a proposal. - 'I got a proposal for you.'
Would you stop screening my calls?
'Sherry's got herself a job now.'
- What? - 'Yep. That's what.'
- What? Since when? - 'Since she wised up.'
♫ Love you from top to tippy tip toe ♫
♫ My baby doll
♫ Shu shu shu ko ko ko
♫ Sun's gonna shine wherever we go ♫
♫ Love you from top to tippy tip toe ♫
♫ My baby doll ♫
Spread 'em.
I need to see her.
Lee Lee, you've a customer.
CJ!
Oh, let me introduce you to Dr. Measel. He is my...
I need to converse with you.
Alone.
What are you doing working?
How did you find me? Did momma...
I don't like you undressing other men's feet.
He is my OB/GYN.
So that qualifies him to get his feet fondled?
It's my job.
Maybe I need to introduce you to the girls down on Lucky Street.
How would you know 'em to introduce me?
Stop it, CJ. You're just horny. That's what this is.
- Isn't it? - No.
What if it was?
It' not.
Nothing's changed, has it?
Jackpot.
It's just a matter of time.
I'm thinking of leaving momma's house.
She's driving me crazy.
There's this cute little bungalow
that's opening up down the street.
What?
So you're leaving, leaving?
No..
- I need to get back to work. - Who the hell is Lee Lee?
I'm moving forward, CJ. You're welcome to catch up.
I want you to catch up but..
- I'm going to church. - Which church?
It had a sign... Second United.
The one with that little person?
No, this is where I was taking the premarital classes, CJ.
Maybe you could go.
On your own and talk to him about the..
He has this real nice certificate..
What about this GYN fella?
That's nothing.
He is my doctor, he's gonna take care of..
Things down there.
Oh, uh, actually I was gonna propose other options.
No, I mean if you're not comfortable with...
Yeah, no. Your choice.
Great.
♫ My honeybee
I'm gonna get that certificate.
♫ My honeybee
I'm gonna get that certificate.
No, it's not really about the certificate.
Talk to the little person about that curse..
Now it's not uncommon for a women to say tomato
and a men to hear tomato.
Or for a women to say, taking care of things
and for a man to hear taking care of things.
Or for a woman to say out loud curse
and a man to hear..
I cannot just give you a certificate.
Dude, the certificate is yours.
- Suit up. - You're already married.
Why do you need a premarital certificate?
I'm renewing our vows.
You can probably go to a Christian bookstore
and buy a certificate.
- Really? - No.
- No, no, no. - 'Yes.'
You will not present a certificate to your wife without
receiving the accredited counseling.
No certificate, no chance of ending the First Baptist Hex.
Bucky..
We've been loosing the First Baptist Hex for ten years.
- I don't care. - We need him.
'Okay, okay, okay!'
Between innings, we'll do a little counseling.
I told you. Predestiny, baby.
And work on your hitting.
'Load 'em up! Now!'
- 'What's going on?' - The pastor's training camp.
You up for a little insurrection?
- I don't have my gear. - Now! Let's go! Move!
'Get your rumps up in here.'
What was the pastor in the pen for?
Kidnapping, I think.
Now, let's go. Come on, get off here, guys.
Come on. Go round the bus and to the right.
Come on, hustle up. Let's go, let's go.
Where are the fields?
Welcome to training camp, men.
Join me in saluting a decorated war hero
and a freedom fighter for men.
Your trainer, Derwin.
Gentlemen. This allegedly is a picture of my man Jesus.
Question. Is this your Jesus?
You! This your Jesus?
No. Yeah. Not.
Not this!
Not my Jesus. Not his either.
Your Jesus had balls, didn't he?
Your Jesus wasn't no lamb boy, right?
Right.
Who opened a can of whoop-ass in the temple?
Who got up in the faces of the religious hoo-ha?
Who took a beatin' and sacrificed his life?
Uh... my Jesus?
- My man! - Yeah, baby! Whoo!
Hey, hey, hey, you two..
You had to play at 100 percent?
- Ha! Yeah. - All in baby.
Good. Strip down and show these men the size of your candy cane.
What?
Dude, you're kidding, right?
How tall is your Magic Johnson?
I... I got to be honest with you
this isn't working for me anymore.
This is highly unorthodox.
See? Every man fears being naked.
Afraid somebody's gonna find out he don't measure up.
He's inadequate, he can't perform.
So to make sure he ain't vulnerable and exposed..
What does he do?
'He hides!'
Blends in. Camouflaged.
Nobody knows him, knows his problems..
Knows his heart.
God knows he'll need no need no bonehead talking him about
how the weather doin' and fantasy football.
'What does he need?'
He needs a real man.
A real man..
To get into his life dung!
Your mission..
Is to cover your hiding, camouflaged brother with paint.
Shoot him and bring him into the light of truth.
Now, where does a man's fear come from?
Where does all that hiding..
All that striving to prove something stem from?
Oh!
Dude, did he just..
The truth is, he's wounded.
Oh, damn.
Oh, Lord!
Hang on, hang on.
- Do something, Bucky.. - Hang on, hang on.
Chocolate?
With food coloring.
Here, son.
You'll call yourself Christian men, huh?
Whose butt were you scratching
when my man jumped in to heal my wound?
Now, who gave me this wound?
You did, you crazy moth..
The enemy.
Why is it every time I say "Our Father in heaven"
some of you all start twitching?
You twitch. Ow!
'Cause if God was like your father
you'd rather put on hell pajamas
than to spend the night with the man upstairs.
You're wounded.
You ain't never gonna mount to nothing.
You ain't never gonna live up.
You ain't gonna never change!
You're a joke.
A looser.
Lies! Wounds!
Don't y'all guys know the enemy wins
every time if he can keep lies
going from father wounding son, father, son. Enough!
Oh!
'Heck!'
A real man says heal this wound.
- Come here. - No! Pick somebody else.
Get up, you boy.
Now listen..
What is the one thing
that you always want your daddy to tell you?
Don't fail me now, son.
It's time to heal this wound.
I-I'm not really suffering from any post tragic...
Shut up and heal your wound.
Aah! We got a buddy around here!
Come up here, buddy.
See, a real man needs a buddy to stand-in for him.
Get up here. You get up here.
Show these posers you ain't no lamb boy.
Tell them what's the one thing you wanna hear from your father.
I'm... here.
Get your head up.
Look at him. Listen, that's your father.
'Look at him.'
I'm here.
Thanks.
What did you bring for dinner?
♫ Kumbaya my Lord
♫ Kumbaya
♫ Kumbaya my Lord
♫ Kumbaya
♫ Oh Lord Kumbaya ♫
We're a team.
Take it easy on us next time. Good win.
Alright, guys, come on, gather around. Huddle up.
'Huddle up, let's go.'
Alright, so let's do this thing, alright?
Anybody got anything?
I do, pastor.
We've been hiding and I'm calling us out.
We're living a lie that it's our religious duty to be losers.
I say enough!
Yeah.
We need to be liberated to fight
like noble Warriors of Old..
- Bible ones like, uh... - David.
And Spartacus! Huh?
That Mr. T guy said, "Jesus had balls."
Yeah.
So if it's okay, we'd like ours back.
Yeah! Come on!
Let's do this!
No more SUCC!
Rip!
♫ Got a little girl little and low ♫
♫ She used to love me but she don't no more ♫
♫ She gotta step it up and go
Come on! Come on, hit me!
♫ Can't stand pat, swear you gotta step it up and go ♫
♫ Got a little girl she stays upstairs ♫
♫ Try to make a livin' by puttin' on airs ♫
♫ Gotta step it up and go
♫ Yeah..
Come on!
Whoa!
♫ Gotta step it up and go
♫ Yeah
♫ Can't stand pat swear you gotta step it up and go ♫
So good. Mmm.
- For you. Homemade. - Wow! Thank you.
Since the curse was by all accounts taken care of..
God bless you.
The world return back to the way it was for our hero
Fried chicken is my favorite. Whoa.
Let's go.
And that wasn't quite all that returned.
What the hell are you two doing?
This here is an intervention.
Take off the stupid mask.
Where have you been, meat stick?
We ain't seen you in the better part of two months.
My schedule has been rigorous.
A lot on the docket what with work and...
Ned said our suspension's over.
Yeah, CJ, we can come back. Woo-hoo!
I can't play softball.
You mean, you quit that church team?
I-I can't play softball softball.
I'm doing something for Sherry.
Momma says Sherry was PG and getting her own place.
She's gonna move right back in with me as soon as I..
She's taking care of things.
It's not either of you twos concernment!
Oh, it ain't any of our concernment, huh?
You hear that, Dodge?
Now you're carousing around with all those goody-goodies
carrying on 'til all hours...
- Me carrying on? - Yeah. Praise Jesus!
Well, maybe I should intervene on behalf of your wife
and a scoop of chocolate "eyescream."
What the hell, CJ?
I'm calling you out into the light of truth, Ray.
What's he talking about?
Who the hell do you think you are?
I'm your buddy.
Oh, you're such the holy man now, huh?
You ain't go no docket. You with the unwed, pregnant girlfriend..
Don't talk disparagingly about Sherry.
Why don't you take care of your own business, Bill Bailey?
I'm taking care of my business.
Oh, God!
God, she didn't gas her up.
Nice boat.
And so our hero put his happily ever after plans
on the fast track.
And in case that doesn't work
he can always stop by the Christian bookstore
and buy himself a certificate.
Oh, my gosh, CJ, look at you.
I couldn't wait..
To share it.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna ask you to, uh, uh..
To get things back to where it were between..
- Oh, sir, excuse me. - Ah.
I'm sorry I just couldn't wait.
Could you get me some rolls? I love their rolls.
Yeah.
Rolls.
- Oh, thank you, sir. - Mm-hmm.
So, as you know, I've been hoping that
things would go back to the way they were.
But then I reali..
- Ah! Ah! - I'm sorry, sir.
And then I realized
that not everything should go back..
I'm so... I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
It's just.. It's those pre-natal vitamins
and they when you're eating for two, it just..
- You're still... - Listening, yes, yes, continue.
I, I thought that you, uh, you..
- Took... - CJ.
I, uh..
I-I, I don't, I don't mean to prod, but..
Have you got something to ask?
No. Yeah.
♫ Hm hm hmmm
Are you done?
♫ Hm hm hmmm ♫
- Hey, you okay? - Yeah.
Number one rule in life for a man..
I think I'm full.
Never assume anything.
Me too.
Never assume that your girlfriend is not pregnant.
Never assume that your bank is forgiven.
And never assume that the villain in your life
will go down without a fight.
♫ Just
♫ A closer
♫ Fog we leave
♫ Oh Lord
♫ Grant it
♫ If you please
♫ Daily walking
♫ Close to thee
♫ Let it be
♫ Alone
♫ Let it be
Dad?
♫ I am weak
Dad?
♫ Thou art strong..
♫ Oh Lord
♫ Keep me
♫ From all wrong ♫
You know I've got the key to her place if you need to go.
Nah. He's my worst nightmare.
Hey, little league. I'll see you next week, okay?
- What? - Oh.
Come on. Guys.
- Let me... - Story time.
'Let me go.'
Dudes, he should probably tell it.
Spill it, before he comes. Come on.
Alright. This is just another chapter
in Boomer's Tales Of Predestiny.
So you know the stand-in thing we did at the men's retreat?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, Paul has done one before.
Or should I say, someone has done one for him.
Alright. So he's at this retreat, right?
How he got there, dudes, I don't know.
Because he used to be this smelly homeless guy.
And he's in this ginormous auditorium
where people walk up on this stage
and stand-in for one another in front of thousands.
Well, our man Paul is there alone.
And, dudes
he has got something he wants to share.
I mean, he's about to have a breakdown
so out of nowhere, he yells
"Dudes I need someone to stand-in for me!"
Everything stops.
"Twenty years ago, I run off on my wife and my baby girl.
"I find out my baby girl run off too.
"She's on the streets.
"And I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to find her.
"And I just wish someone would say
I'm not a piece of shiitake."
Only he doesn't say shiitake.
He drops the S bomb
in this Christian joint, dude
'pins drop.'
Then, all of a sudden..
Out of nowhere..
Boom! This girl stands up and yells
"Dude, you are
a piece of shiitake."
Only she doesn't say shiitake..
Okay, we get it, no shiitake.
Bro, now it's just him and her standing there.
Then she says
"As a dad, you are."
But then real quiet like..
"But you're still my dad."
And, bro, no word of a lie
he turns around and she is standing there.
His baby girl.
And she is a nun.
♫ Amazing grace ♫
Uh!
So, it's-it's just some preacher's story?
No, dudes. She's not a nun.
What, so you just made it all up?
No.
Tales Of Predestiny, bro.
Tell him.
She's not a nun.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
See. Waste of breath.
- I think you got a pass. - Yeah? So?
You didn't deserve it.
You screwed up her life.
Well, past my bedtime, boy.
Yeah. Yeah. Big game tomorrow.
End the hex!
You're right.
I screwed up her life.
She came up to me after and gave me a big hug.
I couldn't hug her back.
It was just too much.
Then she grabbed my arms and... put them around her.
And I took in the smell of her hair.
And I can remember... she was a little girl
and that she used to squeeze so hard..
I could... feel her hair upon my cheek.
And that smell..
Makes all of them seem so..
Pure.
Oh, yeah.
I definitely got a pass.
Why did your dad leave you?
Who says my dad left?
I guess you weren't worth staying for.
What the hell?
It must have crossed your mind.
Yeah. No.
Okay, okay, okay. Maybe you were worth staying for.
But..
But what?
You tell me.
I don't know if he left 'cause of me or not.
He just left.
It was... just in his DNA..
To leave.
Maybe he wanted to stay.
Maybe he wanted me.
But..
I think he feared..
Him..
Himself that..
Eventually he'd screw things up.
Some things never change.
No matter how hard you try.
Yeah.
Bullshit.
Maybe you need a pass.
- I ain't giving him a pass. - No, not him. You!
Sometimes love can sneak upon you.
You can turn around and you can see it in the face
of your baby girl.
And then there's time that love comes after you.
And you try to dodge it because you think you're not worthy.
Or you can hold it at bay
until you prove that you are.
Or..
You can raise your chin..
And you throw open your arms..
And let it flow all over you.
You can change things. Yeah.
I gotta go to the toilet, I'd be back.
I know you must think I'm a terrible mother.
I have this class and..
- What? - Ahem, sorry.
You, you're dressed so..
Clothes don't make the woman.
Ha. Clothes do, um..
- That's totally.. - Backwards.
Yeah, I was a big fan of "Opposite Day" at school.
So, did he behave?
Like an angel.
I'm a big fan too.
Look, I'd really like to pay you.
I don't feel comfortable with you doing this for me
without me giving you something.
No, no, no.
I'm... I'm good.
For the first time
our hero could see himself
on the other side of the curse.
♫ This train is bound for glory this train ♫
♫ This train is bound for glory ♫
♫ Want for nothing but the holy ♫
♫ This train is bound for glory this train ♫
Nice, Bucky. Come on.
'Get on. Get on.'
Yes.
- Suck it up. - Whoo!
I'm injured. I need a time out.
♫ This train has left the station this train ♫
♫ This train has left the station.. ♫♫
Alright!
Alright, guys! Break up. Order.
One more fight, the game's over. Score stays.
I got it.
It's the hex, man. It's the hex.
- It's not the hex. - It's not the hex.
We will judge you. We will judge you.
Have you seen Crackerjack?
Crackerjack?
'Batter up!'
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
Let's go, Buck.
Here.
'Hey, Sherry. Is that you?'
What are you guys doing here?
We're here to support our main friggin' amigo.
- Dude, you're up. - We need to pinch in for him.
What?
Look, bud, this is a big at bat.
"Bud," I know how to hit the ball.
- Here we go. - Go get it, baby.
- 'Come on.' - 'Go get it, Bill.'
Let's go, baby. Come on, let's go, baby.
- 'Come on, bro.' - 'Let's go. Come on, baby.'
Whoa!
I thought CJ said you were gonna take care of that.
'Let's go, Bill.'
Hit a homer for me.
You might wanna run, son.
You're quitting midway.
Where you going, Bailey? Home?
Out of my way.
Sherry.
- Sherry! - Foul game.
You can't do that. We got these bastards.
- This is predestiny, man. - It's over.
- Oh! - You're outta here.
- Sherry. Sherry. - Oh!
Bill Crackerjack Bailey.
You falsified a certificate?
Ah!
Sherry. Wait! Sherry. Sherry.
Sherry!
It's a men's ministry.
Stop it, CJ. Just stop it!
- Stop what? - I don't have time for this.
Your momma told me how your daddy left.
- And how she waited for him. - That ain't...
She hoped one day, he'd wake up and come home and be a man.
- I'm not the one who left. - I'm not gonna be like her.
I will not wait around, hoping one day you will finally wake up
and say that this is your...
This is your fault! Your fault.
Don't worry.
I will take care of it.
Let's go rip out that jugular.
Ah!
Whoo!
We Warriors of Old or what?
All this time, you..
Your bride..
- Hey! What the hell? - Wake up!
Thanks, "Pops," but I'm not in the mood for a stand-in.
Go ahead! It's your hood anyway.
No! It's your hood! Your hood!
Be a man. Own it!
Whoo!
We were horrible.
Hey, my momma's got them shoes.
Hey, where'd you get those shoes?
Oh!
Do you take credit?
Mr. Bailey.
Are you, are you drunk?
Yes. Yes.
Why don't you and your friends come upstairs
and I'll get you some coffee.
Come on, soldiers, we're gonna get us some.
Have a seat. All aboard.
No hands, Mr. Bailey.
Gimme the works.
Where the hell is the coffee?
Recon.
Ah! I figured you had something like that underneath.
Yeah. You figured me out.
Now it's time to leave.
We're both fans of "Opposite Day."
Whoa!
Leave my mom alone!
It's okay, honey. He was just leaving.
I..
I'm..
You! Ah!
♫ Well I feel
♫ Like travelling on
♫ Yes I feel like travelling on ♫
♫ Oh I feel like travelling on ♫
♫ Well, I feel like travelling on ♫
♫ Oh hoooo
♫ Oh I feel
Adios, Pedro!
♫ I feel like travelling on
♫ Yes I feel like travelling on ♫
♫ Oh I feel like travelling on ♫
♫ Well I feel like travelling on ♫♫
And so our hero, unable to change history..
Repeated.
Whoo!
Yea-ah!
Yeah.
Whoa!
CJ, don't run.
I'll be back to get you.
Later.
I'm not going back with you.
You screwed up her life.
I figured you had something like that underneath.
She's taking care of..
It's your hood. Your hood.
Don't worry. I will take care of it.
It's just a matter of time. Jackpot.
You're a joke.
Wherever you go.
There you are.
Welcome to the family, Bill.
- Never going to give up. - We love you, brother.
- You ain't deserving... - It's your hood. Your hood.
- MVP. - One day, finally you'll..
- You can't run from.. - This is your fault.
- Your fault. - You'll never change.
- Just as in.. - CJ, don't run.
It's the curse.
Ah!
Raise your chin.
Throw out your arms
and let it flow all over you.
You can change things. Yeah.
♫ I feel like travelling on
♫ I feel like travelling on ♫
Of all the things to love about playing ball
nothing beats the simple joy
of heading for home.
Tom. Tom, can you take that to the other room?
Look. He doesn't need another man to treat him..
Neither do you.
Here we go. Ah!
One, two..
That's two.
Hey. Hi.
You're horrible.
Hm.
I'm not a little kid.
You don't have to keep it, son.
I just need you to... name it.
And... you're still my worst nightmare.
No hands.
♫ This little light of mine
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ This little light of mine
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine ♫
Is she here?
No, the coast is clear.
Not her. Sherry.
Oh, uh, she left.
When will she be back to the house?
She, uh, she-she got her own house.
♫ Everywhere I go
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ Everywhere I go
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ Everywhere I go ♫
Oh!
Take one prisoner!
'Doggy.'
- Look, I, I gotta say... - We're here.
So what'd you bring for dinner?
I need your help.
Dude, you're not trained for this.
Sometimes you just gotta do it.
♫ It only takes a spark ♫
- Follow me! - Alright.
- Whoo! - Whoo!
Come on.
Yes.
We got it. Pull around back.
- Who was that? - The garbage man. He's gone.
- Momma. This is not your house. - Oh no, you don't. You're not..
CJ!
'Don't you walk outta the house.'
I'm sorry.
What's past is past. I've moved on.
Good.
You needed to.
And, uh, so have I.
What's past is past.
Sherry, you come back in this house right now.
Get right back in this house right now.
Sherry!
Sherry.. Leave her alone.
No, CJ. This isn't fair. I'm hormonal.
You can't just come waltzing in here.
All the while ignoring the fact that..
I am..
Gonna... have..
My baby.
Oh, here.
I know that you..
Cannot resist the roll.
This one fits better.
♫ This little light of mine
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ This little light of mine
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ This little light of mine
♫ I'm gonna let it shine
♫ Let it shine
♫ Let it shine ♫
And you guessed it. They lived happily ever after.
With no brain getting used or harmed
in the course of the tellin'.
In this tale of one Bill Crackerjack Bailey IV..
- Clay! - Bill like I wanted..
Hereby stands as a testament that curses can be broken.
Change can be found in places other than mason's yard.
And the water in your gene pool can be tricked.
And if you ever come down this way
who knows, you might pass by some truck stop
turned Mexican oasis where the ginger ale is homemade..
The fireworks are sold with gasoline..
The reptile lagoon is down by the kitty rides..
And where a Mexican bandido by the name of Pedro
talks in signs and wonders.
Yup, as the Good Book says
"The Almighty works in mysterious ways."
One, two, one, two, three.
♫ Way down in the south where the pecans fall like leaves ♫
♫ Out on a patch of Red Georgia clay ♫
♫ They call the field of dreams ♫
♫ Bill's a good old boy
♫ Who had a way of making people smile ♫
♫ And he could pound the ball with a bat ♫
♫ About a country mile
♫ Yea-ee-yeah
♫ He had a child with a sweetie ♫
♫ Who was waiting on a wedding ring ♫
♫ But what he had on his mind
♫ Was different kinda downer thing ♫
♫ Yeah
♫ In a voice so loud it made him feel more like a man ♫
♫ But he wasn't movin' in closer to a family plan ♫
♫ Everybody sittin' was a crackerjack ♫
♫ He was one of a kind no doubt ♫
♫ When it came to committings and more than just sittin' ♫
♫ He was always striking out
♫ And he didn't know a thing about ♫
♫ Home by the little white bay
♫ It was only so long the woman has gone away ♫
♫ Hey Crackerjack why don't you get back home ♫
♫ Well every time she tried
♫ To say she wanted something more ♫
♫ He had his own way of dodging ♫
♫ Like his daddy did years before ♫
♫ Yeah there was only some scheme or a dream ♫
♫ Or a game to play
♫ And it seemed all along but he never really saw that ♫
♫ Yeah
♫ Everybody sittin' was a crackerjack ♫
♫ He was one of a kind no doubt ♫
♫ When it came to commitments and more than just sitting ♫
♫ He was always striking out
♫ And he didn't know a thing about ♫
♫ Home by the little white bay
♫ It was only so long/His only sole love the woman has gone away ♫
♫ Hey Crackerjack why don't you get back home ♫
♫ Seemed hard to break the cycle ♫
♫ Seemed hard to make a stand
♫ Sometimes you gotta suck it up and be a man ♫
♫ Everybody sittin' was a crackerjack ♫
♫ He was one of a kind no doubt ♫
♫ When it came to commitments and more than just sitting ♫
♫ He was always striking out
♫ He was alone walking and he didn't know a thing about ♫
♫ Home by the little white bay
♫ Just alone so long Woman is gone away ♫
♫ Yeah
♫ So you better don't make right a little detour.. ♫
♫ Hey Crackerjack why don't you get back home ♫
♫ Hey hey Crackerjack why don't you get back home ♫
♫ Hey Crackerjack why don't you get back home ♫