[horse whinnies]
[rustling]
[breathes heavily]
[gasps, sighs]
Flippin' heck! Who are you?
[in Japanese] Enemies are nearby.
You must be careful in this forest.
[in English] Is that Japanese?
I did a lunchtime class, so I can count to five.
[speaks Japanese] Uh…
[in Japanese] Five.
[in English] Yeah, okay. Let's go then.
Oh, by the way, you seen this nerd?
[in Japanese] Has this man wronged you?
[in English] Yes, this is my brother.
[in Japanese] Yes? He's wronged you?
[in English] Brother, yes.
Whoa.
Flippin' hell. You're cool.
Anyway, my brother, his name's Kevin and his voice is whiny, like,
"Hi, Mum and Dad."
Actually, no, wait. It's more like, "Hi, Mum and Dad."
[Kevin] Hi, Mum and Dad.
Stay calm,
but I'm still with the gang of thieves that call themselves the Time Bandits.
Mum, I know you told me never to be in a gang.
Well, I have to apologize.
Dad, you said, "Kevin? He'll never be in a gang.
Have you seen him?"
[monks chanting]
Well, look at me now. I am in a gang.
This is a disaster.
There's nothing to steal here. No treasure at all. Just old books.
Hey, what about this?
That's mead.
A medieval alcoholic beverage made from honey.
And so it's worthless. We need to get out of here. Let's go.
[Kevin] We're not the toughest gang.
- Or the coolest. - Go.
- Or the most dangerous… - [bees buzzing]
…or the bravest or the most coordinated.
We're not the brightest,
- or the best at negotiating… - Down there.
…or coming to a consensus…
- Stop. - …about who gets to say "Let's go."
Go!
- [door opens] - [clamoring]
[Kevin] We're certainly not the best at stealth or hiding…
[Abbot] Over here…
[Kevin] Or stealing things or any gang-related activities whatsoever.
- [groaning] - Just use the handle.
[Kevin] But we're still a gang.
- [Bittelig] Look. - [Penelope] There it is. Let's go.
[Kevin] And we're traveling through time to find you
and save you from being tragically turned into lumps of coal,
which might be my fault.
Sorry.
- Penelope? - Mmm?
Something seems to be wrong with the portal.
- It's glitching. - Oh.
While it's doing that, we can't go anywhere.
Okay. Just cover it up.
- Bittelig, you'll help. - [groans]
[gangster] Open the door, Fingers.
- [Fingers] Got it. - Someone's here.
[stammers] Run, hide.
[clamoring]
[stammers] Fingers-- [scoffs] So clumsy.
Now, this might be dangerous.
[Fingers] Yeah, yeah.
[whispering] This might be dangerous.
[gangster] Come on, man.
- Go see if it is. - [stammers]
- Thank you. - [sighs]
- Please. - [sighs]
[Kevin] Sometimes, Penelope gives me responsibilities like risk evaluation.
[gangster] As long as your fingers don't keep flaring up.
- Okay, who got the loot? - Larry.
- Larry Always Late? - [Fingers] Yeah.
Why in the hell would you give Late Larry the loot?
Larry always late with it. You know better than that.
Okay. So we're meeting the other gang here.
This is a big deal.
Word is, these guys are dangerous. So be cool. Cool?
- Cool. - Cool.
[gangster] Larry, you late.
Guys, guys.
[groaning, panting]
[pants] Sorry I'm late, boss.
I can see men dressed like gangsters, talking in gangster talk.
Someone's talking.
[gangster] Is that gangster talk?
[Penelope] Pretend we're not here.
[Alto] Everyone, pretend not to be here.
Hey, Bumps. They're behind these boxes.
What are they doing behind those boxes?
I don't know. They're just frozen like this.
- What? Like this? - Mm-hmm.
Like this.
Hello? Do you want us to come back there or you come out here to meet us?
[Fingers] Come on now. Come on out.
[Penelope] They found us somehow.
[Bumpy] What in the hell they got going on?
I never seen anybody like this before.
I ain't never seen nothing like this in my life.
[Bumps] Are y'all the gang?
Don't give them a definitive answer.
[mumbling]
We got-- We got the loot.
Yes, we're the gang.
- [Alto] Yes. - Okay, great.
We're the other gang.
- [laughing] - Oh-- Oh.
[Kevin] Guess what, Mum and Dad? We have met another gang.
Now where's your booze? We got your loot.
Uh, booze?
Oh, booze.
Oh, the loot for us in exchange for the booze.
- Give him a booze. - It's mead.
- Yes, we have it. - Booze.
Mead? Fingers, you heard of mead?
- I ain't heard of mead. - We ain't heard of no mead.
Oh. I got it, boss.
- I got it. I got it. - Careful, Fingers.
It's, uh, ancient alcoholic beverage made out of honey.
Give it. Let me get some of that. Fingers, be still.
[smacks lips]
Mmm. Some good mead. Got any more?
Oh, yes. Yea-- We do have more. Guys.
[Kevin] Penelope has sold them the booze they stole from the eighth-century monks.
She argued that monks shouldn't be peddling in booze anyway.
Efficient.
Efficiency and punctuality are so important to our gang.
- You hear that, Larry? - Yeah.
Trying to start a crime organization, but guess what's missing?
- The organization-- I know, I know. - The organization. Yes, yes.
It's hard being the leader of a gang.
Actually, we don't have a leader per se.
A gang with no leader? Never heard of it.
We are more of an egalitarian collective.
Meaning that we all make the decisions by vote. Everyone has a voice.
- No, we don't. - Yes, we do.
Because that's the way I like it.
Let me talk to you for a minute, if you don't mind, please.
- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
I actually like the idea of a gang with no leader.
There's so much pressure on me. It's exhausting.
Yes, exhausting.
What if one day I make the wrong decision and someone get whacked?
- Right. - That's no way to live.
- No. - You ever had to whack your people?
Well, regrettably, yeah.
I had to swat someone on the butt to shoo away a mosquito.
Fingers, oh-- Oh, my God. He dropped--
Just-- Fingers, just lea-- just leave it o--
just leave-- just-- Leave it.
- [sighs] - [Penelope] I sympathize.
- Is that little kid in your gang? - Oh, yeah. Well, he is now.
- [stammers] Greetings. - Greetings?
- [Penelope] He says that. - Oh.
[chuckles] Yeah. Let's go, guys.
Let's get out of here.
- Oh. Come to the rent party on tonight. - Oh.
- I know you won't be late. - Oh. [chuckles] You know us.
[Kevin] Penelope thinks the other gang recognized her leadership qualities.
- [vase clatters] - [gang clamors]
[gangster] Fingers!
[Kevin] They did seem to really respect her.
Come on, Larry. Learn some control.
Are you sure that was her?
Course that was Madame Queenie. That's one of her warehouses.
I don't know, but she looked different to what I thought.
Course she did.
It's called creating a mystique.
[Fingers strains] Boss, one of them was a little kid.
That's Babyface.
That's the notorious Babyface that everyone's scared of?
Yeah… [stammers] …that Babyface.
That little British kid that said "greetings" instead of "hello"?
Have you ever seen a more baby-looking face than that actual kid's face?
[pants] You really think that was Madame Queenie?
Larry, you late for this discussion.
Okay, let's take a look at this loot.
- [Judy] This is not loot. - [Penelope] What?
This is just tiny little paintings of old men.
[Alto scoffs] We've been duped. Not even unique little artworks.
- I knew we couldn't trust them. - Well, that's an awful thing to do.
Nuh-uh, no one gives us a bunch of tiny old-man paintings and walks away.
You can use that paper.
For what? To start a tiny old-man art gallery?
It's cash, money.
In this era, they call it "loot" or "moola."
Moola. Great. Okay. Well, I find it highly unlikely.
Credible story though.
Let's go.
- [Bittelig] Moola. - [Widgit] There you go.
- Whoa. - [Kevin] Guess what, Mum and Dad?
Okay, well, let's take a look where we are.
[Kevin] We are in 1929 in New York City.
I know you both always wanted to come here.
Pity it couldn't be under better circumstances,
like you not being two lifeless lumps of coal that I keep in me bum bag.
Wow.
Listen. "Tonight is the night. Party like you've never partied."
We've never partied.
[chuckles] And admission is 35 cents.
[Judy] What even are cents?
Moola. We already have it.
Just a warning about parties though.
They can be dangerous.
Hammed Johnson's cousin threw one when his parents were out of town.
Someone dropped the Bluetooth speaker in the toilet
because they didn't like the music, and then it caught on fire.
And how did it catch on fire if it was in a toilet?
I didn't see it. I wasn't invited.
Well, you're invited to this, and we're all going.
I don't know.
Kevin… [sighs] …you can't keep reading about things happening.
You have to make it happen. Live a little.
- [Kevin] Maybe I will live a little. - [Alto] Yeah.
Come on. We're late.
Fifteen minutes late is New York on time. Everybody knows that.
No one's here.
What the hell is that?
Alcohol.
Tastes like honey.
You think someone's encroaching on Madame Queenie's turf?
They better not be.
You do not go encroaching.
Oh, you do not.
[Kevin] We are in Harlem during the Harlem Renaissance.
There's a lot of art and writing
and music being created right now and right here.
I can't believe I'm reading about the time in the actual time.
Yes, that is something.
Let's see what we can get for this so called "money."
[Kevin] Right now, it's Prohibition. That means alcohol is prohibited.
Like when Mum prohibited Dad from drinking beer
after he got drunk at the street fair and was flirting with Mrs. Broadrib.
Even though it's prohibited, people still do it.
They just pay more for it.
[jazz playing]
[Kevin] I think you'd rather like the other gang.
Hey, you made it. Come on in…
[Kevin] There's Bumpy Johnson. He's like the leader of their operation.
Like how Penelope is in the Bandits.
You remember Larry.
[Kevin] And then there's Larry Always Late.
He's called that because he's always late.
- Oh, yes. Hello. - [Kevin] And his name is Larry.
Larry, how's you late and you was-- He was right beside me.
- How is you late? - Sorry.
[Kevin] Then there's Ernie Fingers.
He's called that because he's a bit clumsy.
[grunting]
[Kevin] It's an ironic nickname.
Like when Saffron calls me "Mr. Style."
- Greetings. - Greetings.
[Kevin] But look at me now.
Y'all get comfortable. Enjoy yourselves.
Get you something to drink.
[Kevin] Going into an illegal bar. This is my first-ever crime.
Unless you count how I copied a page from a book at the library
without express permission of the publisher.
This is magnificent.
A very interesting gathering.
This is the life, Bandits. We're finally on the way up.
[stutters] I've got a migraine and there's too many strangers about.
It's-- Too many people to distrust.
Well, do try to have a good time.
I prefer not to.
See that lady over there?
She's in charge of the whole operation.
- That's her? - And that's her gang.
They supply all the honey drink. Tough cookies, man.
Tough cookies, huh?
- Oh, real tough. - [grunts]
- Mm-hmm. And that's Babyface. - That little kid?
- Look at his face. - Looks like a baby in a suit.
[jazz singer scats, vocalizes]
Ooh.
[scatting]
I can't understand a single thing she's saying.
I'm intrigued. I'm confused. I feel great. I'm in pain.
Excuse me. What kind of music is this?
It's jazz, sugar.
Jazz sugar?
Jazz.
I must say, Madame, thinking about incorporating
your style of gang management into my own operation.
- No more whacking. It's stressful. - Oh, I know. I-I can't do it anymore.
It's-- The look on the face is just-- I can't bear it.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
It's that sort of surprised look. Yeah. It's like, uh--
No, it's more like-- [gasps]
Yes. Well, although, I mean, I have seen like-- "Hey"-- getting angry.
More like, "Oh, don't hurt me, please. I'll give you anything.
Just don't do it. Don't-- Oh, Lord. Don't do it."
What? No. It's really just like, "Ah, how could you do that to my butt?"
- Your butt? - Yeah.
Seems like we got different approaches to this.
[scatting]
Shall we?
- Shall we what? - Dance.
- For why? - Fun.
Hmm. Okay.
I'm really uncomfortable.
We all are. Can you do that somewhere else?
[jazz singer] Y'all ready for more?
[cheers]
[scatting]
Oh, my God. Look out, he's coming.
Thanks. I'll have a ginger beer, please.
[bartender] Ginger beer on the house.
Me and my guys are gonna start voting on decisions as a collective.
It is better 'cause then everyone, you know, has a voice.
- Right, Widgit? Agree with me. - I agree.
- Yes. - Madame Queenie, you a inspiration.
Oh. Thank you.
But you don't have to call me Madame Queen. One or the other.
Anything you say, of course.
[chuckles] Okay.
[groans]
How many of those have you had?
[groans]
What else can I say?
Her name was Alana Mortimer and she was the prettiest girl I've ever seen.
And? What happened?
One night, down at the shops, this kid Riley kissed her.
- Oh. The scoundrel. - Mm-mmm-mmm.
Then, after that day, no one ever saw him again.
- Oh! - Hmm?
You had him disappeared?
Moved to Preston.
- [clears throat] - Moved to Preston?
That's cold.
It is quite cold, actually.
[Kevin] The people around here seem nervous around me.
I think they somehow found out about the library incident.
- [sniffling, whimpers] - Are you okay?
[sobbing] Was just thinking about Susan. We don't-- We don't talk about it.
I think we, uh, talk about it a lot. Some could say too much.
I feel like the more I drink, the more I wanna talk about it.
- Oh, all right. - [breathing heavily]
- Is that enough? - Yeah, that will do. [chuckles]
- Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. - [Alto] Milady. Milady.
May I offer a succinct and heartfelt "wowee."
Oh, thank you. [chuckles]
Uh, may I ask, what does "shooby-dooby" mean?
Oh, I was just scatting, you know, improvising to the music.
You can use your voice like an instrument, not just to convey lyrics.
Oh, I see.
In the last song, you sang, "She said, 'Zaza-zoo-wow.'"
What does that mean?
Oh, uh, "zaza-zaza-wow."
I mean, I suppose it just means that she was amazed,
knocked out, floored, had the best time of her life.
I know how that feels.
- Do you? - Yes, I love words.
- [chuckles] - I'm an actor.
I don't like talking about it, how I'm an actor.
[inhales deeply] But I am an actor.
Wow. Do you do talkies?
Oh, I do talkies. I do walkies. I do it all.
[chuckles] Well, will you "walkie" me home?
I would, but I don't know where that is.
[laughs]
A fire toilet-party has nothing on this.
Eat your heart out, Hammed Johnson's cousin.
- Charlie? It's Madame Queenie. - [Charlie] Yes, ma'am.
I want you to run ads educating people about voting rights.
- Think that's wise? - Uh-huh.
- Are you sure about that? - It's important.
Yes, ma'am.
Then I want you to go to Dutch Schultz's new place and smash the windows in.
He doesn't threaten Madame Queenie. I'll kill him! I run Harlem!
Madame Queenie?
Mm-hmm. Hmm. [chuckles]
Donate to the childhood reading program. Kids need to read.
Okay, boss.
Okay, darling.
- I'll get right on it. - Talk soon.
[gangster 1] Madame Queenie, there's someone moving into your territory.
Where are they basing themselves?
Well, that's the thing, boss.
Looks like they're basing themselves out of one of your warehouses.
That's encroaching.
That's what we said.
They're encroaching.
We thought maybe we'd pay them a nice little visit.
- Yeah. - [chuckles] Nice little visit.
No, you go and scare the hell out of them.
Oh, that's what I meant by "nice little visit."
Then say that.
No one knows what you mean when you talk like that.
[gangster 1 clears throat]
Mum, Dad. I'm still coming to save you.
Sorry I haven't checked in in a while.
It's been pretty wild in New York City.
I had a soda.
Now, I know you told me to always check in on my little sister.
I forgot. Sorry.
But I'm sure Saffron is at home and I'm sure she's safe from danger.
[growling, sniffing]
[sniffs]
Huh. Someone here has been coaled.
Cold as in "not hot?"
No, coaled as in "turned to coal."
Well, that's not good for them. Doesn't bother me.
There.
She broke out her rock. Tried the door, couldn't work it.
She's slow, physically and mentally.
She's been in that rock a long time.
Whoever was here turned their heads [imitates explosion] and got coaled.
[inhales deeply] Then she went slowly up the stairs.
Slowly?
She's slow. She's been in that rock a long time.
You keep saying "she," ma'am.
[sighs] Yes.
And if it is who I'm thinking it is,
then whoever she's chasing is in a lot of danger. [sighs]
She's chasing the Time Bandits, yeah?
Yeah. Yes, she is.
And-- And that's why we're here?
To find them and tell the Supreme Being where they are?
- I know that. - It just sounded like you've forgotten.
Yes. Yes, it did.
[sighs] It's no surprise they passed through here.
Can you feel the power?
[inhales deeply] No.
No, I can't. Can you?
Yes.
This place has held someone of immense power.
Do you like your job, ma'am?
Working for the Supreme Being is a calling. It's not a job.
Even when he can be difficult, overbearing and controlling?
He's under a lot of pressure.
These bandits have no idea what they've unleashed.
Is the map really that powerful?
The map.
And the boy.
Mum, Dad, I am in a full criminal operation.
[Kevin] Now, the Bandits have branched out into counterfeiting,
- which was very popular in the 1920s. - Oh, yes.
[Kevin] Though, to be honest, their forgeries need work.
I made a jazz note.
[Widgit] I made a zillion dollars.
Mine is the value of your self-worth. A different value for each person.
So much better than the originals. Look at that.
[Kevin] Alto has met a fellow artist
and she's been teaching him how to talk in jazz.
- Would you like a… [scats] …sandwich? - Yep.
[Kevin] And the Bandits continue to steal mead from the monks
and trade it for moola.
Which, yes, is illegal. Yeah. I know.
Come on, guys. Hurry up.
[Kevin] But we've run into a problem.
Stop! You! Thief!
[shrieking]
Run! Run! No!
Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Kevin] It might take longer to get back to you than I thought.
So, Bittelig and Judy are trapped in there?
Yes. That's right. The portal is very unstable.
- I have been trying to tell you. - Their timing sucks.
Hello, hello.
Oh, no. No, not now.
- We have got to get 'em out of there. - Great suggestion, Widgit.
- I'm working on it. - Okay.
It's a nice little operation you got going here.
Be a shame if something happened to it.
Uh, yes, that would be a shame.
I wasn't finished. There was more I wanted to say.
- Just keep working on it, okay? - How?
- I don't know. You're the math expert. - Yeah.
- Oopsie. We're so clumsy. - Clumsy ol' us.
Oh. Well, that-that's okay. I'm also a klutz. [chuckles]
I can also relate.
Yeah. Very clumsy. [laughs]
Emmie, I had the best day with you.
Mm-hmm. Me too.
It was so nice just listening to you and walking near you.
It was. Alto, I'm worried about you.
Because I'm an actor and I'm financially unstable?
No. Because there are gangsters out to get you and your friends.
What?
Everybody's talking about it in Harlem. Madame Queenie's got a price on your head.
And her goons? They could kill you
- for encroaching on her turf. - [yelps]
My associate and I would like to take you on a nice little ride down to the water.
I see. You know what? Yes. That sounds very relaxing.
We will do it. Yeah.
Penelope, I think maybe these guys aren't being literal.
Well-- Kevin, not everyone is a book nerd.
Penelope.
Oh. Hello, men of a friendly disposition.
[inhales sharply] Emmie says that there are gangsters chasing after us
- and we have to get away-- - Ooh!
Oh. Look at that. Is that a violin case?
Do you play the jazz?
Oh, do you play the jazz?
No, I do not play jazz.
Show 'em what you play.
It's a tommy gun.
- Run? - Yep.
[Alto yelps] Where is everyone?
[gangster 1] Get 'em.
Danger. Danger, danger, danger.
- Danger. - Oh, we gotta scram.
- Danger. Danger. Danger. - Go. Go. Go!
[Penelope] Oh. Oh!
Go. Go.
Go, go. Go.
Okay, wh-wh-wh-where's your hideout?
Um, go right.
And go right.
[Kevin] They're right behind us.
And then it'll be a right.
Are they driving us in circles? Surely nobody's that dumb.
And then turn right.
[echoes] What the hell?
[echoes] What in the actual flippin' heckin' hell?
[echoes] Is that what I look like from the side?
And turn right.
Wait, wait. Hold on.
Are we going back to the place where we started?
Oh, yes. Thanks. That would be great.
- [whimpers] We're all gonna die. - I've only just started living.
[Penelope] And then right.
Hey, Bumps. That's Madame Queenie in that car.
There's some kind of very low-speed chase.
Should we get involved?
Portal!
[monks clamoring] Stop!
- Go, Judy! Judy! - Don't let 'em--
Quick! Quick! Jump through before it closes!
Jump, Judy. Jump! [shouts, pants]
We thought we were trapped with the monks forever.
I've discovered another portal out of here.
Come on, for goodness' sake. Let's go.
[gangster 1] I've lost 'em.
How can you lose them when they're just going in circles?
Stop! That's the rest of the gang.
Let's take 'em for a nice little ride.
They've got Judy, Bittelig and Widgit.
Follow that car.
Whoa. Follow the car full of gangsters that we're trying to get away from?
Yeah. [stammers] Exactly. Yes. Very good.
- No. - [door closes]
- Well, look at me driving an automobile. - Yes.
- You know, it's not as hard as I-- - No! Alto, look at--
- [Penelope] Watch out. - [stammers] Whoa! Okay, okay.
"10 zillion dollars."
"The value of letting go of your fear."
That's Judy's.
They're leaving a trail.
Follow that paper.
- Alto, look! Look! - [shouts]
[shouting]
[Alto] Oh, phew. [shrieks]
Oh! Oh. Here they are.
All right. Let them go right now.
Yeah, let them go. Sorry, you take-- You can take that.
Hi, Penelope. Hi, Alto. Kevin.
These are our friends that we were talking about.
Guys, these are our other new friends.
We're not your friends.
What? But you said you wanted to take us to see the fishes.
Sleep with the fishes. That is a threat.
- It-It is? - Is it?
But if you're not my friends, why did you give me new shoes?
- Cement shoes. - Huh?
- So you sink to the bottom of the ocean. - Ah.
Listen, I think you really need to just be more clear with your threats.
- Whoa! [shrieking] - That's clear.
Hey, hey! Stop it. Let 'em go.
You don't know who you messing with.
If you go down this road, you're gonna run into consequences
and repercussions you cannot get out of.
Who are you?
No matter who we are.
You don't know who this is.
This is one of the top bosses in New York City.
Well, okay. That's an-- That's overstated.
It's Madame Queenie.
No, our boss is Madame Queenie.
What?
Excuse me.
You are the boss of this gang, right?
Yes. Well, I am the spokesperson for this collective.
- This gang. Yeah. - The Forty Thieves?
- Oh, no. - No, we're the Time Bandits.
- Time Bandits. - Time Bandits.
- Time Bandits? - Yes.
[groans] Wait!
- This here is Madame Queenie. - Not right now, Larry.
What took you so long to park the car? Where you parked at? Connecticut?
- So you're not Madame Queenie? - No.
- Your gang isn't the Forty Thieves? - No.
Madame Queenie is our boss.
These guys have been encroaching on our turf.
But-But that's Babyface. The most dangerous gangster in Manhattan.
I'm Babyface.
Are you serious? Look at your face. [stammers]
- I've got a baby face. - What?
Shoot them.
[clamoring]
[stammers] Listen, if it was the comments about your face, I'm sorry.
If you just put some lotion on both sides and rub it in, it'll smooth out--
[whimpers]
What's going on here?
[Alto] Oh. Oh. [whimpers]
I'm about to kill 'em, Madame Queenie.
You're Madame Queenie?
Yes, I am.
You mistook me for her?
Yeah. I--
You thought I was her?
What? Because you saw a woman in a warehouse with some booze?
- And a gang. - And a gang?
And assumed it was me?
I drunk a little mead and… [stammers] …it threw me off.
It's insulting to both of us.
It's so hard being a female leader.
- Not for me. - Nor-Nor I.
It's hard being a leader. Period.
Who are you?
Oh… [chuckles] …I'm Bumpy Johnson.
You were meant to have the loot.
[stammers] To buy your booze.
Yes. Okay. Well, that all makes sense.
Okay, so we should just go. If you could just lower the gun.
[gasps]
Great. Thank you. We're done selling mead.
[stammers] If they can just be untied, we can be out of here.
- Widgit, where do we need to be? - An empty field near the Jersey Shore.
Oh… [chuckles] …I know where that is.
I whack a lot of people there. [chuckles]
I-- I mean, I used to whack a lot of people there.
I do a lot of whacking there too. [chuckles]
Madame Queenie, we'll be right back to begin our association.
Don't be late.
Okay, can we untie them? And let them go.
Hmm.
[Kevin] Well, Mum and Dad, I've done something you've always told me to do.
Made some friends. And another thing you told me not to do.
Fraternize with gang members.
But they're the same people. So it evens out.
- Guess what? - What?
Taking my guys on a nice little vacation.
- Oh. - Oh.
Oh, no. So, threatening them?
- Like a two week vacation. - Oh, an actual vacation.
- [stammers] Yeah. Exactly. - That's-That's a relief.
We took a vote and we're going to Mexico.
[Kevin] Now it's time for fond farewells.
[Penelope laughs] Bravo. Bravo. Yes.
Emmie, won't you come away with me?
[Kevin] And awkward goodbyes.
Actually, Alto, I can't.
Is it because I'm a bandit?
No.
- Is it because I can't drive? - No.
Is it because I'm an actor
and you never really know if you're talking to the real me?
No, it's just-- I don't really know you
and this is really only our fourth conversation, so--
- All right. Yeah, that makes sense. - Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Judy. They're having a moment together.
Yeah.
Hmm. Yeah.
[Kevin] I hope New York was everything you hoped it would be.
[scats]
[Kevin] I'm glad I got to be the one to bring you here.
Maybe we could come back sometime when you're not coal.
Love you.
[Penelope] Kevin, let's go.
Bye-bye.
[Bumpy] Where in the hell do you think they're going?
[Kevin] Would you guys like to hear a fact about New York?
- [Penelope] Absolutely not. - [Alto] Save it, you know-it-all.
[Saffron] All he ever talks about is history.
He goes, "'Blabbidy-blabbidy' history this,
'blabbidy-blabbidy' history that."
[in Japanese] The boy talked like this 'blabbidy blabbidy blabbidy'.
That's Kevin. Where?
[in Japanese] They went to where the river meets the
mountain and disappeared through the mist.
I will take you.
[gasps]
Demon!
Quick!
[Saffron panting]
[growling]
[grunts]
[growls]
[grunts]
[growling, sniffs]
- [in English] You're not him. - [whimpers, grunts]
[growling]
You don't know me pronouns.
[growling]
[in Japanese] That was a demon.
[in English] If she came to Bingley and did that, I'd have all my mates.
She wouldn't have a flippin' chance.
[in Japanese] Yes, we are lucky to be alive this night.
[in English] Exactly.
[sighs]
[imitates record scratching]
Behold.
"Wow-zas."
Yes. "Wow-zas."
Well, what is it?
What i-- What is it? I'll tell you what it is.
I give to you Earth Two.
- [gasps] - Sorry, what?
I know what you're thinking. "He's gone mad with power.
What's he up to? Why is he doing this?
What's wrong with the current Earth?"
Well, I was never that happy with the original.
When I made it, I was young and carefree
and, uh, I sort of just threw the thing together haphazardly.
I'll admit only to you two, I made a few mistakes.
Except for the dinosaurs. They were perfect.
- [chuckles] - [chuckles] Weren't they great?
- So good. [chuckles] - So good.
- What was your favorite dinosaur? Go. - Stegosaurus.
Stegosaurus. Yours?
- Pterodactyl. - You know what mine was?
Controversial.
Triceratops.
- Ooh. - That is controversial.
'Cause they had three Ceratopses.
[scoffs]
Anyway, cut to about a zillion years later.
Like, here and now. And Earth Two, the sequel.
What? You mean you're making a new planet Earth?
[Supreme Being] No, no, no. That'll take way too long.
I mean the great reset.
I'm gonna wipe it clean.
Get rid of all of the history, all of the boring stuff.
Some of the things I'm a bit embarrassed about, like humans.
And I'm gonna get rid of them all and I'm gonna start all over again.
Don't you think they might be a little bit upset by that?
Th-- Who? What? The people that are going to be deleted?
- Yeah. - [sighs] I've had enough of humans.
There's too many wars. Too much strife.
I'm ready to unleash the real deal.
I can't do that without that map.
What's more, it cannot and must not fall into the wrong hands.
That would be disastrous.
And what do I mean by "the wrong hands"?
That's right. The hands of you-know-who.
- Barnaby. - Barnaby?
- Not Barnaby. - Ah. Pure evil.
You-- [clicks tongue] Don't say his-- Well, I was just setting up the name, man.
S-Sorry, sir.
Anyway, him.
If he gets his evil claws onto that map, oh, I shudder to think what will happen.
[shudders]