Hmm. These are lean times, my friends. Lean times.
That's right.
Sorry, guys. We are eating sticks tonight.
This is truly one of the lowest points of my life.
Indeed. [sighs] This is the lowest of our points.
Sitting around, eating sticks.
But I have a nice treat for after.
- Oh? What is that? - Twigs.
No, twigs are not a treat.
Ah, it is, after eating sticks.
Widgit, when can we get out of here?
Well, uh, as you can see, the lintel's now operational,
meaning that many portals should be opening up
for us to traverse through shortly.
One or various of these portals should be able to take us
to your time or place, or very near.
Okay. If Widgit is correct, right, then we will get Kevin home,
save his parents and steal their food.
But you can just have the food.
Oh. Well, no, we want to steal it.
Okay.
And then we'll be on the run.
- Always running. - It's what we do.
So, you're just gonna keep on running from the Supreme Being?
Forever?
Well, we've outsmarted him more than once.
- Tw-- Twice. - Twice.
And we'll keep on doing it.
He will never catch up with us.
I am the Supreme Being.
[screaming, clamoring]
Cower before me!
Fear me!
- I have a plan! - Run?
- More running?
We don't always run, but we should swiftly back away.
You have betrayed me.
Bound to return what is mine.
- [Penelope] Judy, we're backing away-- - And now, be afraid.
- [Bittelig] No, Judy! - Be afraid.
[Widgit] What's happening?
- Fear me! - You'll turn into salt, Judy!
- Stay away from me. - Guys, I don't think this is--
I am the Supreme Being.
[grunts]
- [energy source powering down] - Cower before me.
I am the Supreme Being.
[grunts, pants] I am the Supreme Being.
[grunts, breathes heavily]
That's the Supreme Being?
No, it's one of his little suck-up helpers Casper.
- Jasper. - Yeah-- All right.
Don't give him the map. The Supreme Being must not get the map.
Judy, is this reverse psychology?
What's happening?
I'm not sure honestly.
He's planning something really, really bad.
- What-- What does that mean? - What does that mean?
I can't tell you. It's bad. He's--
- What? - He's what?
That did not come from my mouth. I didn't tell you anything.
- What? - Oh, the portal.
Do not let him get the map.
Get out of here.
Take the map and go.
[clamoring]
Do not let him get the map!
[screaming]
[groaning]
What was that Jasper on about?
Sorry, Mum.
Some kind of mind trick, you can bet on that.
- They seemed mad about something. - Yeah, they're scared of me.
Why would they be scared of you? All you do is run.
I do not always run.
Maybe their legs are sore from all the running.
I do not always run.
I don't know how this image of me has gotten out there.
- There's your house. - [Kevin] No. You've seen my house.
It's in a cul-de-sac.
Well, I don't know what the outside looks like, do I?
This looks nothing like it.
Perhaps your parents have done some renovations.
[Judy] Seems a little party's happening inside.
It isn't my house.
Oh, yeah. No, I am a few miles off actually.
- Widgit? I was just wondering… - Yeah?
And a few centuries.
It looks like we're in Georgian England.
Well, a pat on the back for getting the right country at least.
Georgian England? Really?
Plays will go on for hours.
People will come from miles around to attend.
- This is amazing. I'm home. - I am hungry.
- Yeah, I'm hungry as well. - Yeah, I'm hungry.
Yeah. Well, where there's a party, there's a food.
[Bittelig] Yeah.
You cannot come in here dressed like that.
[guest screaming]
[guests clamoring]
[guest gasps] Casanova.
[sighs]
It's Casanova.
[sighs]
[sighs] Ooh.
[gasps, sighs]
[sighs]
Señor Casanova.
Okay, so you guys find a back entrance, and we'll steal things we can wear.
Gee whiz. Uh, you seem very hot-- Let me just.
[dog barking]
[grunting]
[rattling]
It's a turnspit dog.
Yeah, I don't wanna eat that weird dog.
- [Widgit] I'm not eating a spitting dog. - No, you don't eat it.
It turns on that hamster wheel and cooks the food evenly.
[sighs] Kevin, it's not nap time. [shushes]
[dog panting]
Oh!
- [Widgit] Oh, rats. - [groans]
Go. Go, go, go.
[Penelope] I'm gonna make sure we get into the party. Alto?
You okay? [stammers] It's okay, it's okay.
Um, come on, mate. Be free.
Kevin, no one's going to eat that weird dog.
Get in here.
Ye-- Yes.
Yeah?
[babbles]
[classical music playing]
My people.
[gasps] Oh, my. Do you see what I see?
- The 18th century? - Wigs?
- Uh, repressed feelings? - No one that looks like me?
Food. Remember why we're here?
- Food. - For the love of…
[host] What are you doing, boy?
I'm sorry. I wasn't going to.
You weren't going to eat one of my sandwiches?
All of these are your sandwiches?
I know this is a pineapple party,
but that's really just something to entice people to attend.
Once they're here, they'll be amazed
by my brand-new invention of meat between bread.
- So you're the Earl of Sandwich? - Oh, you're aware of me.
Yes, my invention, named after its inventor, me, the Earl of Sandwich.
Tuck in whilst I tell you all about it. [chuckles]
I'm riding.
My hands are full, for I am on a horse with reins.
The fox is running. View halloo!
Whoa, Beauty.
My belly is empty. Whatever shall I do?
Have no fear.
Thanks to the "sandwich," I can ride and eat all at once.
Now I'm at the card table.
I'm hungry for chemin de fer, but I'm also hungry for food.
Why not set a place and eat at the table?
With this hand, I've got to slam it down
and exclaim "Huzzah!" as I take the wretch's money.
A palpable hit, Valentine.
I have won back my wife.
Luckily, I have packed a…
- A sandwich. - Precisely. Any questions so far?
Well, some people say the sandwich was actually invented by--
By whom?
- You. - Yes.
Usually people are more impressed that I have invented the perfect convenient meal.
Anyway, must go.
It's almost pineapple time.
[Penelope] Who was that?
He's the Earl of Sandwich.
- Hmm. - He claims he "invented" the sandwich.
[chuckles] Yeah, and I invented water.
[Widgit chuckles] Yeah.
Did she?
The secret of acting is the ability to express oneself without words.
Take, for example, the Bard's "Ham-phlet."
One can express "Ham-phlet" using only one's eyebrows.
Now that-- that's real acting.
A demonstration. [inhaling deeply]
"To be or not to be:
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows…
of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms…
against a sea of troubles.
And by opposing, end them?
To die, to sleep-- to sleep.
Perchance to dream.
Ay, there's the rub."
[applause]
Bravo!
I know good eyebrow Shakespeare when I see it.
You're quite an actor.
That's what I think. Finally somebody else says it.
I should introduce myself. I'm Martha.
I'm the impresario of the Theatre Royal Drury Lane.
Let's cut to the chase: I'm putting on a show.
There's a part in it for you. Nobody else could possibly do it justice.
It has to be you.
- What's the part? - The best part.
I will see you at rehearsal tomorrow morning.
Until then, my muse…
- Yes? - Adieu.
- Bless you. - Goodbye.
Goodbye.
[Martha] Get out of the way.
[sighs]
Hello.
[stammers] Strange. Usually that works.
- Saying "hello"? - Yes.
And yet you're still conscious.
[Bittelig] Who does that guy think he is?
He's Casanova.
Mmm. And what is he famous for?
[Kevin] Seducing thousands of women.
Fainted.
- What else? - Mmm, that's it.
And how did he get famous enough to seduce them?
By seducing hundreds of them.
But, uh, how were they seduced in the first place?
- I don't know what to say, Bittelig. - Mmm.
I am the world's greatest lover.
Oh, is that like, um, a list that you put out yourself,
or someone else put it out?
[stammers] I'm not attracted to women who, uh, want me.
But you, you are making me feel something I have never felt before.
Bittelig, come. I want to show you something.
Ah.
Thank you, Widgit.
Behold, a normal, extraordinary map.
Now you see it…
Whoa, now you don't.
Widgit.
- There it is. - You've got to teach me how to do that.
Ooh, is that a smile? Are you smiling, Kevin?
I've noticed that you seem a little sad lately.
- Yeah. - Why is that?
My parents are dead.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I have, uh, my best people working on it.
Really? Your best people?
Yeah, us.
Oh-- Yeah, yeah.
Here, have some pineapple. Here you go.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
Uh, Kevin, did I show you my favorite spoon?
Don't you wish there were five?
- Ready? - [chuckles] Cool.
- [Widgit] Blimey. - I'm stealing these.
[purring]
- Find more spoons. - [Widgit] Find more?
To steal.
- Come on. - Steal big ones.
- Big spoons? - Yeah.
Thank you.
[purring continues]
Everyone, steal spoons.
Spoons. They have the key to traveling throughout space and time,
and they use it to steal spoons.
Knives and forks, I could understand: They are sharp.
- [grunts] - [chuckles]
They are pointy.
- Ow. - [chuckles]
Yeah, I know. I reckon spoons can be evil.
Yeah, like when you're washing them.
You know, the water goes at the wrong angle, just, like, sprays everywhere.
Yeah, I-- [stammers] I think spoons can be evil.
I am fear given form. Never correct me.
[stutters] Oh, I-- I didn't correct you.
- I was-- - [exclaims]
[growls]
[claps] Everybody, "shush-y," shush.
Derek, please.
Me again.
Earl of Sandwich, inventor of the sandwich.
It's time to, uh, look-- just look at the pineapple.
- [guests gasping] - Follow me.
- Excuse me. - Hmm?
- Why did they call it a pineapple party? - They have an actual pineapple here.
Sorry, wrong way. My big house.
[guests gasping]
[shouts] The horror, the horror.
This is a heinous crime.
Were we not supposed to eat the pineapple?
That is an extremely rare
and precious piece of fruitery for display purposes only.
I know they're expensive, but it is just a slightly tough pineapple.
[gasps]
Just a pineapple?
Our life savings went into that.
We were renting that pineapple.
I shall die in a debtor's prison, being poked with pointed sticks
and called a shabaroon and a cucumber-eater by all and sundry.
- [sighs] - [guests gasping]
But I just wanna be absolutely clear about this.
So pineapples are very expensive in Georgian times?
- Yes, you dolt. - Except that we've eaten it.
- Clearly. - I'm sure we can replace it.
You, replace it?
You're covered in rags and flour and vegetables.
Am I meant to believe you can afford a pineapple?
Apparently, Neil Groves had five pineapples
at his tropical-themed birthday party.
Neil Groves, Neil Groves…
Did you see these five pineapples of Neil Groves?
[stammers] I wasn't invited.
No. Nor were you invited here.
To think I, the Earl of Sandwich, invited this addlepated child
to enjoy my incredible invention, the sandwich.
If it is your invention.
[all gasping]
I'm sorry?
Some people think you copied the idea
after seeing pita bread and canapés in the Mediterranean.
Someone, roll back my sleeves.
Thank you.
You have twice insulted my household.
You have called me a liar.
And worse, you have eaten my pineapple.
I hereby challenge you to a duel.
Come on, he's a child. No one's gonna wanna see that.
He'll be terrible at it.
Are you telling me that I cannot challenge someone who has insulted me to a duel?
That is an insult, so I challenge you to a duel.
Well, wait a m-- wait a minute. Maybe he could do it.
[Earl of Sandwich] You scoundrel.
I shall see you in the dueling pit tomorrow afternoon, sir.
- Now run, Penelope? - [Penelope] Yeah.
Oh, yes. Run, coward.
Oh.
You did not just call me that.
Oh, but I did.
Then I accept your challenge, and I challenge you to a duel.
[all gasping]
I've already challenged you to a duel. You can't challenge me back.
- They're dueling duels. - Yeah.
- I'd laugh sneeringly at your ignorance. - All right, then laugh.
[laughs]
- [imitates laughing] - [laughs]
[imitates laughing]
[imitates gunshot, blows]
[Earl of Sandwich] A duel, sir. Tomorrow at noon.
[Kevin] Penelope…
you can't fight in this duel.
No, I have to fight this duel.
It's, um-- It's a matter of honor.
I don't think made-up ideas like honor or cowardice are worth dying for.
And well, if you're dead and then my parents are dead,
and-- It's just-- It's too much.
But if you were challenged to a duel, what would you do?
Well, I'd tell a teacher or another adult.
Okay, great. Yes, I'll tell another adult.
- Hey, Widgit. I'm fighting in a duel. - Cool.
Now, Penelope, violence is never the answer.
I think we should leave.
Leave? We can't leave yet. I've got a gig.
It's at the Theatre Royal tomorrow afternoon.
People here love the theater so much.
It starts early and goes on for hours and hours.
You all have to come.
Yeah-- Alto, you're inviting us to a really long play,
and you expect us to actually come?
That's nice. That's just fantastic.
The one time I need a little support, "Sorry, we're having a duel."
I'm going to reserve you five seats, and I expect you all to be there!
[huffs]
He does love a speech, doesn't he?
Penelope, no one cares if you chicken out.
I thought we always ran. I thought it was our thing.
Listen, I don't know what you're all so worried about, okay?
All I have to do is shoot him before he shoots me.
- Bang! [shouts] No! - [shouts]
[Saffron screaming, grunting]
[exhales sharply]
[grunts]
Flippin' hell, it's freezing.
Kevin!
Oh, my gosh. This is misery.
Fianna, what news of your progress?
I've not got them yet, but on the plus side,
I've been visiting a lot of new places.
Oh, how nice for you.
But you are close to these bandits, are you not?
Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I took a little detour, so…
Well, I wouldn't want to take any more detours,
not unless you want to get what John got.
- Do you want a bit of what John got? - [growls]
No, probably not.
Oh, you definitely don't want what John got.
Bring me the map.
[growling]
[thunder rumbling]
[Casanova] Judy.
It is me, Casanova.
- I just made a horse faint. - Okay. [stammers]
You are radiant and wonderful and so interesting.
And indifferent to me, which is very attractive.
Guys, please. Look, I'm trying to sleep.
I need to rest my reactions, yeah?
Charging up my acting.
These eyebrows, they need their beauty sleep, okay?
Thanks in advance. Just keep it down, both of you.
Judy, run away with me.
I have to hit the hay. I literally sleep on the hay, so…
[wood creaks]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Oh, Gavin.
[clears throat]
- There's an anomaly here. - You think they've been here, ma'am?
I do. I think the Time Bandits have been here and they have the map.
Yeah… [mumbles] …of course they have the map.
If they didn't have the map, how would they have been here?
They're leaving portals open. Things are drifting across time.
It's dangerous. It's very dangerous.
Leaving portals open is a terrible idea. Even I know that.
We need to report back to the Supreme Being straightaway.
Yeah. Yeah, we could do that.
We've been sent by him
specifically to report our findings so that he can track the Bandits.
We have to follow his orders.
And I'm saying we could do what he wants.
Of course we could.
Well, what else would we do?
There are some people I think you should talk to first.
What people?
People like me, you know?
People who've had enough of doing exactly what we're told to do.
But if we don't do what we're told to do, what do we do?
You'll see.
Widgit, last night after I laid down,
I saw pictures of sky and people doing magical things,
but my eyes were closed.
You had a dream.
I-- I could see it but not touch it.
Yeah. Like I said, that was a dream.
The Supreme Being didn't let us have those.
Oh, wow.
Uh, but you know, it wasn't all good. I could see bad things too.
Well, yeah. That's called a nightmare, Bittelig.
Do you think that that is what Jasper meant, huh?
That my nightmare is what will happen if we give the Supreme Being the map?
I think he meant to say something a lot worse than a nightmare,
but Jasper did sound scared.
Oh, Widgit, I don't want anyone else to die.
Not after Susan.
No. No, neither do I. No one's gonna die, Bittelig.
But what about Penelope?
- Oh, Penelope! Come on. Come on. - Oh, no.
My muse. My muse.
I've got a very special role for you. Are you up to it?
- I was born to do this. - [Martha] Hmm.
Not really, more spawned.
Feels like that for us, doesn't it?
Read it, learn it, live it. You're on in an hour.
[sighs] Okay.
- [sighs] - Hello again, everybody. "Shush-y."
'Tis I, the Earl of Sandwich, inventor of the sandwich,
here to face my insulter.
Choose your weapon, sir.
[gasps] Uh, can I choose words?
Absolutely, sir, although the Earl of Sandwich will be using a gun.
Oh. [stammers] And, uh, how about if I just run away?
Absolutely, you could run away.
I think the last person who tried to run away was shot in the back, sir.
- Okay, right. - So perhaps the gun?
- Mm-hmm. Ooh. - Sir has chosen the gun.
And a wonderful choice, sir.
You know, I'm a woman, so I probably shouldn't be--
Absolutely, sir.
Come along, you coward.
Let's get to it.
- [Penelope] Okay. - Are you aware of the rules of the duel?
Vaguely.
We take ten paces, turn, then fire.
- That's it. Begin. - [stammers] Okay.
Um, and is it, uh, after ten paces, or on t--
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
[all gasping]
What-- Did you actually try to shoot me?
Well, yes, because it's a duel.
[stammers] You were going to murder me?
Why were you shooting at the sky?
No one shoots to kill in a duel anymore.
If we did that, there'd be no one left in polite society.
You aim to miss.
Well, okay. I didn't know that. I wasn't told.
Enough of this havy-gavy business, sir. You are a scoundrel.
I'm so insulted that you would try to shoot me
that I hereby challenge you to another duel.
[groans]
[chattering]
[Martha] All right.
Places, please.
Five minutes.
Just to be clear--
[Earl of Sandwich] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
- [Alto] Stop! - [guests gasping]
Stop! [pants]
Excuse me, we are rather in the middle of something here.
We're in the middle of something too.
We're in the middle of an argument,
for I may have valued my ambition ahead of my friend's life.
And for that, I'm sorry.
You are trying to determine who is in the right, but violence is never right.
Forgiveness and compromise are the harder paths to take,
but ultimately the ones which lead to fewer people losing the ones they love.
If someone here today "wins," so much more is lost.
A leader, or at least someone with leadership ability.
The inventor of the sandwich!
A spirit gone,
a flame doused, a mortal coil shuffled,
a friend to someone no longer in this world.
- [guests] Yes. Yes. - Thank you.
Wow, it's-- [sighs]
Judy. [stammers]
Now you've made me forget where we were.
We have to start the count again. Thanks a lot.
- What? - [stammers]
Come on.
- Okay. Turn around. Am I on-- - [Earl of Sandwich] One, two…
[growling, sniffing]
[Earl of Sandwich] Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
- Fianna. - Oh, run. Now we run.
[Widgit whimpers]
[Fianna growls]
[laughs] See? Cowards, the whole lot of them, fleeing from--
How dare you trespass on my dueling pit?
- I challenge you to a duel. - What?
A duel-- Is there no honor left in this world? Second.
Now we take ten paces, turn--
- [Earl of Sandwich groans] - [all gasping]
[Earl of Sandwich groaning]
A cowardly act, but no matter.
The bullet did not reach my heart,
for in my breast pocket, I have concealed…
a sandwich.
I can't see that stopping a bullet, sir.
Oh, yes. Quite right.
My mistake. [crying]
[Penelope] Can't you calm her down?
That was always the problem.
[Bittelig] She's so scary.
[shrieks] I think we lost her.
- Judy, it is I, Casanova. - What are you doing here?
- [stammers] I can't live without you. - [groaning]
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
I just want you to know how lovely you are.
- Please, just stay here with me. - Um, gotta go.
We're running from a demon!
Aren't we all running from our demons?
[growls]
I will wait for you forever.
You are my only one.
[pants]
Oh, who are you? So captivating.
I'm not interested in most women, but you, you are something special.
Your eyes, they glow.
- [hisses] - Ooh.
[Casanova speaking Italian]
[dog barking]
[growling]
Come on, you s-- stupid rocks.
- [Bittelig] We lost her. - [Penelope] What? Oh. Good.
- Where is it? It's supposed to be close. - [Bittelig] Widgit.
So, Alto, how was the play?
I didn't do it.
At least you've done other plays.
[sighs] The truth is, I've never actually acted before.
I just picked up a pamphlet, saw "Ham-phlet," thought,
"I'll do that one day." And I will. One day.
I don't think it's called "Ham-phlet."
There it is. It's open. Bandits, get in.
[Bittelig screams]
[screaming continues]
Penelope, I'm proud of you for running away.
[scoffs] Self-preservation is what I do best.
That's probably what it is.
- In! - [grunts]
- [Penelope] This doesn't look right! - [bandits screaming]
[warbling]