Oh, no.
Kevin, look out!
What was that?
It was so dark. There was no air, nothing.
It was like a nightmare.
That was an appalling experience.
Widgit, was that your ex-girlfriend's doing?
No, Fianna can't create an airless void. Not literally.
In a relationship, yes, absolutely.
Well, is everyone okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right. - Good.
Where's Judy?
- What? - Where is she?
Judy!
- Judy! - Judy!
Where is she?
- Judy! - Oh, no, it's closed.
I saw her, but then I didn't see her. Penelope, what do I do?
- Okay. No, it's okay, it's all right. - I told her--
Bittelig, she either got sucked into the nothing…
What?
…or maybe she's here somewhere.
Yeah. Okay.
I don't think she is.
Well, then--
What? I lost a bandit on my watch?
Can we go back in to get her?
I don't know what that is.
I've never seen it before. The map doesn't refer to it.
I've never even heard of anything like that happening.
Yeah.
Okay, where are we?
If my calculations are correct, Central Vienna, 1897.
- No, they're not correct. - No, that's not right.
We're in the desert.
Yes. No, we are in the desert and so we can't wait here or we'll die.
But I am confident that Judy will find us.
We have to go.
Well said.
- Kevin. - Yep, I'm coming.
The desert.
Unrelenting and pitiless.
Nothing living for miles around.
What about them?
Apart from them.
Let's go.
Yes, this feels right to me.
Feel the warmth.
Come on. Move it, everyone. It's amazing here. Let's go.
Oh, Judy--
Bittelig, find out who these people are and what they're doing, et cetera.
Who are you, people? What are you doing, et cetera?
This is the hajj of Mansa Musa.
Great. What is that and who is that?
I don't know.
Mansa Musa?
He's in my book.
He was the king of Mali in the medieval times.
"Mansa Musa, the Malian Empire reached its territorial peak
under his reign in the 14th century.
His hajj to Mecca comprised 60,000 people,
including many wives, and carried an innumerable amount of gold.
His estimated wealth would make him the richest person in history."
Okay, well, this is only the moment we've been waiting for.
The richest person in history meets the greatest thief in history.
Are they here? Perhaps we should ask for some tips.
No, I meant myself.
Ah, yes.
We are about to carry out the most epic heist of all time.
Yeah.
And I have the perfect plan.
Okay, okay, listen up.
While Widgit calculates the most efficient route
to the closest portal for our escape…
Bittelig will hide next to the mansa's treasure tent,
scope out the situation and evaluate any risks.
When he gives the signal, Alto, our master of disguise--
- Appears as a camel. - No, no.
It'll be challenging but I think I can pull it off with the right physicality.
No, Alto. No.
You'll be wearing a copy of the mansa's guards' uniform.
You'll approach the guard and tell him you're there to relieve him.
And then he leaves on a camel played by me.
No, no.
With the guard out of the way,
next we need to put Mansa Musa to sleep.
This is where Kevin comes in.
Because I'm so boring.
Precisely.
History.
Facts.
Stonehenge.
Ancient Egypt.
The final phase is, I steal the gold right out from under the mansa's nose.
- Wait a minute. - Yes?
You told me you were gonna take me home now.
Instead, we just happen to bump into the richest person in history.
- A fluke. A wonderful fluke. - Yeah.
A fluke. Yeah.
It's highly suspicious.
I think Widgit knows how to navigate the map.
How dare you? I resent that. For you to imply that--
Sorry, "knows how to u--"
I'm just used to everyone saying the opposite.
Right, because you're not a navigator.
Yes, that statement's true.
- What? - Could be better.
I'm never gonna save my parents.
Kevin, we have to walk in our purpose. We're bandits. It's what we do.
All right, everyone, synchronize your watches.
Don't have watches.
Yes. That's a good note for us. Get to a time with watches and steal them.
Let's get that gold.
I probably got enough watches for everyone.
Right. Find the nearest portal. I can do that.
Find the nearest portal.
Shortcut.
Explain that if I wasn't a great navigator.
Aren't you enjoying yourself, darling of my darlings?
"Let's go on a hajj, Inari.
It will be fun, Inari.
Just you and me, Inari."
And 60,000 of your mates and your other wives.
I'm dusty. I want a bath.
Okay, and how do we find a bath in the desert?
Love of my heart number one.
Number 91.
Number one to me.
You there. You look big and strong.
Me? You see me?
Of course I can see you. You're a big, blond man in the desert.
- I have a mission for you. - I can't.
I have to steal.
- You have to what? - Nothing.
Come with me.
Hurry up.
Salutations.
You are relieved from your watch, my good friend.
But I've only just started.
No, no, no, no. You've been here for hours, my long-term friend.
We're getting old, aren't we? Forgetting everything.
I must be because I don't remember who you are.
Who are you?
I'm your friend till the end.
I'm here to take over your shift. Look at the uniform I'm wearing.
No, no, no. Who are you?
Me, I'm--
A camel.
Bittelig isn't giving the signal.
I don't think you'll pull this off.
Oh, yeah?
Just watch me steal in super stealth mode.
Go. Deploy firestorm.
Invisible roll.
Yes, I got the-- You're not Alto.
Nope.
Okay.
Yes. Widgit? Where's Widgit?
Say I'm not a navigator? I'm a great navigator.
Fantastic. Probably one of the best. Universe's best.
Where am I?
Penelope!
Bittelig!
Alto! Kenin. Kermit.
Kevin.
Judy!
How did I lose 60,000 people?
Is sand the best material for this, Farba?
Yes. Keep digging.
Mansa Musa, we found this group of peculiar people
in the midst of our caravan.
He was found imitating a camel.
What?
This one tried to steal from us.
Are they bandits?
The mansa demands to know if they are bandits.
No. They are not bandits. Look at them.
I-- Well, we could be bandits if some of us could follow instructions.
She did try to steal a bag of emergency firelighters.
- A what? - What?
A bag of camel dung.
Oh, come on.
So they aren't bandits. Just people trying to keep warm at night?
The mansa says they are miserable wretches, searching for comfort.
"Poor, sad, cold fools."
Okay, that is not what he said.
Give them something for their troubles.
- No, no. - Bestow them with gold.
- What? - If you insist.
Come and get some gold.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, God.
Thank you.
- Look at that. - Wow.
Mansa Musa really is as wise and as generous as they say.
What an honor.
I can't believe we got to meet the richest person ever.
Hey. What was that? What did the boy say?
The mansa wants the youth to repeat what he previously said verbatim.
No, I promise it wasn't interesting.
No, no, no. The richest person ever stuff.
Some people say you're even richer than Jeff Bezos from Amazon.
Wealthier than the mighty Jeff Bezos of the Amazon. Who is that?
The mansa is richer than the mighty Jeff Bezos of the Amazon.
And we have no knowledge of who that is.
So you just say what he says but fancier?
This is Balla Kouyate, my griot.
I am Balla Kouyate.
Orator, teacher, adviser and most importantly, historian.
Wow. I'm an amateur historian myself.
What is your name and where are you from, boy?
Name, place of birth.
I'm Kevin and I'm from England.
England? The place with the plague?
Is it even safe there? I heard you people don't even wash.
Mansa says England, heard it's nice.
I wash. My mum makes me.
Made me.
I heard in England that you boil your beef
and eat it with no spice.
True.
Ugh. So backward.
So backward. No offense.
I'm not-- I don't mean to offend, but, ugh.
- Ugh. The mansa says, "Ugh." - Ugh.
Ugh.
Oh, no. It's all right, Balla. You only need to repeat me in front of strangers.
Not in front of friends.
Does that mean I'm a friend?
Of course, Kel-- Kevin.
Tomorrow, will you ride with me as we head to Cairo to meet with the sultan?
Yes!
- Yes. He said yes. He said yes. - Yes. Yes.
- He said yes. He said yes. - Good, good. I cannot wait.
And before we leave,
you must tell us more fascinating stories to my whole caravan.
- Careful what you ask for. - We all have stories.
No, you're-- You have to be quiet.
- Have they got their gold? - Yes.
Take them away.
- Take them. They have their gold. - Let's go. Move.
And your name is very fascinating. How do you pronounce it?
- Say it again. - Kevin.
Ke-- Ke--
- Kevin. - Ke-fine. Ke-fine.
Like Kev-in.
I think I got it.
Kelvin.
Kev-in.
We'll get it, don't worry.
Coming up tonight, we have the latest unfiltered gossip from around the caravan.
Ibrahim, we know what you've been up to.
But first, we have a special guest, all the way from Bingley, in England.
No, no. He's clean, I promise. He wash like us.
- Yes. It's Kevin! - Yeah!
Me first?
Yes, of course.
I've never been picked first for anything before.
I'm gonna try as a rhyme. As tradition.
Okay, yes.
Sing his praises from dawn to dark.
The mansa's richer than the nation of Denmark.
Take that, Vikings.
Though being known to be wealthy, can be unhealthy.
Your gold will become so famous, you'll attract European invaders.
- Hey, stop. What did he say? - Whoa.
- Wha-- Wait a minute. - I'm losing them.
He's richer than Denmark.
He's got the audience in the palm of his hand.
Good for him.
What's wrong with you, Penelope? We got the gold.
- Yeah, we didn't steal it. - But we got the gold.
It was a gift, okay?
And I've lost all the good bandits.
I'm certainly not a master thief.
- You're trying to steal my bag? - Yeah.
- It's on this side. - Oka--
See, I can't even do that.
What's the point of me?
Judy's lost.
Susan's dead.
I'm lost.
Could soon be dead.
I'm not a very good navigator.
The stars.
The stars and the planets are the key.
The map only holds part of the information.
The temporal distances are encoded in the sky.
That's Troy. That's 19th century China.
That's 20th century. That's the eighth century over there.
The portals are not inconsistent.
They are informed by the universe's incomparable symmetry.
The map holds the infinite information.
Unlocked by the infinite nature of the cosmos!
The stars that are in multiple constellations
connect to multiple sets of time.
I've worked it out!
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my gosh.
I need a pencil.
I need a pencil to write this down.
Give me a pencil. I need a pencil.
And so, they were cast out from the kingdom.
And the prince's family scorned them.
So the prince traveled many miles
and over oceans to be with his princess in her homeland.
What a wonderful tale of people from different places,
you know, finding each other.
It's wonderful, Kevin.
I really hope things work out for Meghan and Harry.
Tell me, what do the prince's other wives think about Meghan?
Harry only has one wife,
and the wife had two husbands.
- Two? - Wow.
Is that not interesting?
Kevin, I think you are the most interesting person I have ever met.
No, really?
Oh, yes. Really, really.
Lots of people-- some people close to me, think I'm boring.
- What? - What?
- Never. - Never.
- Kevin, you are so wise. - Kevin.
Wise.
Where's the map? I've lost the--
Never mind. There we go.
Oh, bloody hell, I'm still here.
Blooming heck. All right.
What was that thing I was supposed to remember again?
Come on, brain.
Bittelig.
Yes, Farba?
Can I ask you something?
Farba, anything.
Look, there's someone that I really, really like.
Yes?
We travel together, we eat together,
but I just can't muster up the courage to tell her how I feel.
Farba, I know something about this.
I have a friend, and this friend has a friend,
and he never told this friend how he felt about his friend.
And now my friend might never see this friend again.
You have to promise me, Farba.
Don't do the same mistake as my friend,
not telling his friend how he feels about this friend.
You have to tell her how you feel about her, yes?
If not, you will regret it for the rest of your life, Farba.
You're right, Bittelig.
- It's settled. - Yes?
I will tell Queen Inari that I absolutely love her.
Wow. Queen Inari, is that the person you love?
- Yes. - Mansa Musa's wife?
Farba, I'm not too sure about this.
But it's like you said, Bittelig.
If I don't confess my love to her, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Yes, but if you get your head cut off, the rest of your life won't be very long.
Oh, Bittelig, what have you done?
Welcome to Cairo, Kevin.
Welcome to the city of all cities.
Wow.
This is the famous market of Khan el-Khalili.
The mansa says bargains, bargains, bargains.
- Up, Kevin. - Mansa says up here.
I just robbed this.
I didn't, I paid for it. Do you want to go stealing?
- That's okay. - Come on, you love stealing.
I don't love anything anymore.
I don't.
Well, what about the other bandits? I mean, we don't know where Bittelig is.
Well, maybe he's lost his purpose too.
- Judy could be anywhere. Widgit's lost. - Oh, yes, that's right.
I mean, not that Widgit's more important than Judy or Bittelig,
but he does have the map
and if we don't find him, we're gonna get stuck here forever.
Yes. Oh, well.
- Oh, well? - Yeah.
Mr. Poor Man. Do not be poor anymore. Have some gold.
Sir, have some gold. May it ease your troubles.
Thank you! Thank you, sir. Bless you.
Look at those shoes.
Mansa Musa, your supreme Majesty, King of Mali.
An honor to finally meet you.
Yeah, hello.
The mansa say it is he who is honored.
The sultan would be delighted to receive you at the Citadel.
Thank you, but no thank you.
The mansa say he is very excited to meet the sultan.
You know I can hear him.
- All right, let's go. - The mansa says, "All right, let's go."
Wonderful.
Out of my way.
I'll be taking this one.
I really like this one.
Queen Inari.
I have prepared the bath that you requested.
A bath? How kind. Where is it?
In the desert.
A half a day's walk, but only two hours by camel.
Okay, okay. Well, thank you, but I will take my bath here in Cairo.
- Why? - They have so many soaps.
As you wish.
There is also something else that I must tell you. I--
I'm in love with you.
That's sweet.
I mean, no chance, ever-- obviously-- but very sweet.
Look at it this way, at least you were not beheaded, my friend.
You have your head.
You're right. Trust you to find the bright side.
Hey.
Do you think your friend will ever tell their person about their feelings?
I don't know.
I don't know if my friend will ever see their friend again.
Would anyone like a bath…
before it evaporates?
Only two hours by camel.
Two hours is nothing for a bath.
Water.
I need water.
A tiny little incy-wincy mirage.
Not falling for it.
Not drinking you.
Footprints.
Let's go see the sultan then.
Oh, yes, let's.
Excuse me! Excuse me! O great Mansa.
Can I take Kevin away for just a short time?
Yes, but make it a very short time.
The mansa say you can take him, but bring him right back. We miss him.
You could tell him, "Thank you."
I don't work for you.
Kevin, I have a lot to tell you.
- There you are. - I'm sorry.
What's going on?
Penelope's in crisis and I don't know what to do.
She seems to have lost her purpose.
You need a purpose.
It's like you boring on about history at length.
Sorry, that came out rude.
- I'm sorry. - That's very rude.
I thought she'd be happy. She got the gold.
Yeah, but she didn't steal it, so…
What do you want?
You come to gloat about my failed career?
No, I was seeing how you were.
The bandits said you were sad.
Well, they're right.
And we can't get you home. We lost the map along with four people.
Three people.
Stop giving me gold!
- This is bad. - Very bad.
What are we going to do?
I'll have a think. But first I have to meet the sultan.
There's only the two of us now.
Yep. And we're the stupidest ones.
Yes, you're right.
Welcome.
Now, as is tradition,
Mansa Musa will kneel before the sultan as a show of respect.
I won't.
He cannot at the present.
Is something wrong with his knees?
I am Mansa Musa, and I have fantastic knees.
I will not kneel. It is he that should kneel.
After you.
I don't kneel. He should kneel. I'm the boss.
- Absolutely. - This is my palace.
- I will do what you ask. Yes. - You tell him.
Is the mansa prepared to kneel before the sultan?
And then the sultan will kneel before the mansa.
You want the mansa to kneel before the sultan before the sultan?
The mansa will kneel before the sultan.
The sultan will kneel before the mansa after the mansa.
The mansa will kneel before the sultan,
but won't kneel before the sultan before the sultan?
No, no. Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth.
- No, you listen to the words that-- - This is my court.
These are my rubies.
These are my warriors.
So?
Yes, no, I can see them. Yeah, the rubies look very nice.
You have a lot there and the soldiers look tough and strong. Look at you.
However, I will not kneel first because I am a mansa,
which means king, which is higher than a sultan.
It's not happening.
Mansas are less esteemed away from their kingdoms.
Not how it works.
It is how it works.
Just checking the rules.
- It's not how it works. - There's nothing there.
I know there's nothing here because everybody knows the rules.
I make the rules here, and if something doesn't change,
things are going to get very serious.
He won't do it!
You can threaten all you want, but it's not happening!
- I will kneel. - He'll do it!
In honor of the Almighty,
simultaneously with you.
Can he do that? Is he allowed to do that?
He's got you on a technicality there.
So sorry.
Okay.
We kneel simultaneously,
in honor of the Almighty.
- Good. - Same time.
I sai-- That's what I said. Simultaneously means same time.
- No tricks. - No tricks.
I haven't got time. After three.
One…
Two…
Three.
I'll go lower.
- I can go lower too. - You can stay there. I go lower.
No, I will go lower as well.
You can't go lower than me.
Well, you can't go lower than the ground.
The sultan bows as low as possible in deference to the Almighty.
Yes, yes, yes. Gold for everybody.
And rubies for some of you.
That was so cool. How did you think of that?
There is always a common ground, Kevin.
You just have to be reasonable and find it.
Nothing is worth bloodshed.
I wish you were my dad and your 96 wives were my mums.
That enriches me more than gold ever could.
Mansa Musa, my friend, Penelope, has lost her purpose.
That's bad.
She thinks her purpose is to be a thief.
Then it's good.
She's sad and confused,
and she's always wanted to do a proper heist.
Can you pretend she's stolen something from you?
Make her feel like she has a purpose.
Like you did with me.
They're there. Over there.
Mansa Musa's staff is so beautiful.
Yes, it is. It is the most precious thing he has.
He would not want that stolen.
It is impossible to steal.
It would take the greatest thief in the universe.
Interesting.
Line of latitude and the longest line of longitude.
Essentially, they are--
Penelope! I've returned.
There you are, you idiot.
We thought we were stuck here. Stuck in this time.
I am under the realization of certain stars that are connected through symmetry.
The distances of the planets and--
Okay, Widgit, glad you're back but we're in the middle of something.
Sorry.
Widgit, I just want to tell you, you mean a lot to me,
and I think actually, you are my best friend.
I thought you were gone forever.
- That's very kind of you but I've-- - We're busy.
Are your friends really going to fall for this quite obvious ruse
- and try to steal my staff? - Yeah.
And then they will think they are master thieves?
- Yeah. - And then we catch them and behead them.
- No. - No, we behead thieves.
It's a very effective deterrent. They will not reoffend.
Would you mind not beheading them?
Anything for you, Kevin.
Pawn takes knight.
Good move, Kevin.
My dad taught me.
Well, the computer did, but he installed the app.
Okay. Okay. Guys, guys.
Go. Do your thing.
This game is so engaging,
I wouldn't notice if someone came and stole my precious staff.
Let me see. I'll go like this.
Let me see.
I will-- Think I will go like this.
Great Mansa, we're leaving now.
Yeah.
Kevin, are you coming with us?
Kevin, we'll be sad to see you go.
If you want to, you may join us and regale us with more of your stories.
Oh, really? That's a tough one.
Kevin, what about your thingy? You know, to save, you know…
Kevin, are you already on another journey?
Well, I was on a quest to save my parents.
Your parents?
I thought you were an orphan from poor England.
I kind of am.
And your parents are in trouble?
Yes, but I don't even know if I can save them.
And you guys appreciate me.
Yes, but you appreciate them enough to try to help them.
Kevin, you have to go.
But you guys made me feel so welcome.
Maybe my purpose is telling you guys stories.
No. No. Kevin, telling stories is what you do.
Your purpose is to save your parents.
I will miss your historical stories.
Kevin.
The mansa says--
We need to go and you didn't steal it.
Kevin, Kevin. Take this.
Thanks.
Wow. They're really lovely.
- Thank you. - May I--
Please don't touch my chess pieces. It's not for you.
Oi, hurry up!
Okay. We have to go.
- Don't touch it. You had your chance. - No, I won't. I--
Kevin, let's-- We gotta go.
Let's go, Kevin.
- So, why didn't you steal the staff? - Because I was happy.
Because you knew you could've stolen it if you wanted?
No, because I knew that you had set it all up for me.
What? Me? No, no.
No, I was happy because I had a friend
who would do something like that just to make me feel valuable.
And I'm happy that you've come with us even though I know you wanted to stay.
And I'm happy because we stole the sultan's rubies
while he was figuring out who's gonna kneel.
What?
- I'll go lower. - No, I can go lower.
- You can stay there. I go lower. - No, I will go lower as well.
The sultan bows as low as possible in deference--
That's so wrong.
Well, you wanted me to feel better and now I do.
I have rubies. Right, Bittelig?
- No. Judy's not here anymore. - No, no. Rubies.
I'm talking about the rubies we stole from the sultan
and then you put them in the bottomless bag.
But why do you say in the bottomless bag?
Okay, are they or are they not in the bag?
Well, the bottomless bag is just a bag that the bottom fell out of.
What?
I was always wondering why you ask me to put everything in the bottomless bag.
- We have to go back. - No, no. We can't.
We haven't got time.
- No, but how much no time do we have? - None.
See, there's something very unusual about this portal.
What is that?
I know where it goes.
And it's where we're going.
And it's swirly.
- Okay. - Oh, my flipping flip.
Guys, listen to this.
"His hajj to Mecca comprised of 60,005 people."
- Yeah, you said that before, Kevin. - Yawn!
Okay. Let's hope Judy can find us.
No. The number of people is different. We changed something.
There's five more people. Us.
We can change things that have already happened.
What?
"Dear God, can I please walk again?"
No, I can't help-- How am I supposed to do that?
No idea.
These prayers are really asking a lot, aren't they?
"Dear God, I've been a good boy all year long.
Can I have a bicycle?" Wrong guy.
- Send that to Santa Claus. - Yeah, I will.
A third set of teeth. A third set? What? Two sets aren't enough?
- Yeah. - Third set.
What do they want? Teenage teeth?
Teena-- Teenage teeth.
- Yeah. - Exactly.
Teenage teeth.
Teenage teeth. No. No, no, no, no.
You know what, Jasper?
If I could have a prayer, I'd pray to me and I'd say,
"Dear me, could I please have my map back? Amen."
Give it a try.
Okay.
Dear me, could I please have my map back?
Amen.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't hear back.
It was worth a try.
Oh, well. At least we know where the map is headed…
now that I've captured one of them.