[sergeant] I'm telling you, she's smart. We could use her.
She senses stuff.
I do have senses. That is true.
We can't trust her. She's been working with the boss.
We all work for him, but that's a good point.
- Why should we trust her? - She's cool. She's seen the light.
I've had a few things explained to me.
The Supreme Being wants the map for reasons I don't agree with.
I can see the point in maybe rebelling, but who exactly are you?
We're only the most feared group of bandits
in the whole of time-space continuum.
I thought you were the cherub spice maker.
That too. It's a living.
You got a problem with that?
No, people like cherub spice.
They say it's tangy.
Yeah, it is.
[inhales deeply] So, you in? [sighs]
[inhales deeply] Yeah, I'm in.
Good, then listen up.
- Bobby? - Here's the plan: We steal it.
Steal what?
We steal the map.
Yes. The only small problem there is it's already been stolen.
[chuckles] By those shrubbery designers? Did you ever meet them?
- I've been on their trail. - They are dumb, dumb, dumb.
I think that's the real reason the boss wants it back.
He's embarrassed such idiots could outsmart him.
They have no idea how powerful it is.
- But you do? - You bet we do.
And when we get the map back, things are gonna change.
But how do we get it if the other bandits already have it?
I'll show you.
[screams]
[grunts]
[screams, grunts]
Troy.
- [Widgit] Is it on fire a bit? - [Saffron] Oh, I've been here before.
- It was hectic. - Why did you bring us back here, Kevin?
I have a friend.
[both] You do not.
I do. Cassandra. She can tell the future.
- She cannot. - No, she can't.
Everything she said to me came true.
Maybe she can tell us where the missing piece of the map is.
You really think she can help us find it?
Yes.
- Yes. - Okay, let's go.
[Widgit] Are you sure we should be going in there? It looks on fire to me.
[grunting, groaning]
This city is so much more violent during the day.
It's being sacked by the Greeks.
Ah, so you've brought us into the middle of a war.
That is so typical of you.
[shouts, shudders]
Careful with those spears. You could kill someone. [shrieks]
All right, how do we find this Cassandra in this mess?
Ask someone.
- [Kevin] Excuse me? - Careful, Kevin.
Oh, it's you. We saw you last night.
[grunting]
We've come to visit a friend. Cassandra.
They threw her in jail.
- [grunts] Okay. - [groans] Okay. Okay, okay.
We give up.
- We win! - You lose, Trojans!
Okay, we help you out. No problem.
Uh, Thoas, Diomedes, take these people to jail.
Take the other people to jail, but just for a visit.
Yes, sir.
Which ones did he say are just to visit?
I don't know. I was watching the battle.
Uh, you-- Hmm, you--
[soldier] Move!
[grunting, groaning]
- [Penelope] Yes, going in. - Ow. [groans]
Nice to visit you. Stay in touch.
[both chuckle]
- Great. - Nice one, Kevin.
[Widgit] Yeah, nice. Good job, Kevin.
She must be here somewhere.
You know, Kevin, we really do want to help you,
- but, boy, you make it hard. - Yeah.
[prisoner] Do look a gift horse in the mouth.
That's what I kept saying, but nobody listened.
Now look at us.
It's her! Cassandra! Cassandra!
[gasps] Kevin! It's so good to see you again.
I don't think she means it.
- Mm-mmm. - No.
There's a curse on her. Whatever she says, we won't believe.
[scoffs] That's like Dad with me.
Kind of, except you're usually lying.
- Oh, whatever. - Kevin, have you saved the universe yet?
Not yet. I'm gonna do it right after I save my parents.
You don't think you wanna save the universe and then save your parents?
We need the missing piece of the map to find the Time of Legends.
Do you know where we can find it?
[breathes deeply] Hmm.
I think she does know.
Yeah, I feel really good about this.
Yeah, she's gonna help us.
What a prophet she is.
[inhales sharply] Ah.
Where was the last place you saw it?
- [groans] That's not good soothsaying. - Come on.
That's not a prophecy. That's what Mum used to say.
That is good advice though.
Where was the last place you saw it?
The last place we saw it was when...
- Yes. - When what?
When Susan died.
We're the Time Bandits. Susan was the prime bandit.
She was the best of us.
Susan. She was crushed by the giant boulder, wasn't she?
- [Bittelig gasps] - Thank you, Kevin. Very sensitive.
- Was that necessary, Kevin? - That's not nice, Kevin.
If the last place you saw the missing piece of the map was where Susan died,
that's where we have to go.
- That could be right. - Could be.
- Yeah, that could be. - He is right.
And now I don't think it is.
[Widgit] Yeah, not at all.
Maybe we can save Susan too.
- We've tried. Many times. - We tried so many times.
Many, many times.
I lost count after four times.
You won't save your friend.
I think this is the time.
- We will save our friend. - We're gonna do it.
- That's what that means. So... - We're gonna save our friend.
Now we just have to figure out how to get out of here.
[Alto] Mmm.
[strains, groans]
[Cassandra breathes sharply]
Quick question, will I ever be reunited with my Gavin?
Oh, um, I'm watching out for people who want to kill me right now.
Mm-hmm. Yes or no?
If you go on this quest, you will be reunited with him.
- So I'm never gonna see him again. - Remember the curse.
It's just so hard to believe her.
Gavin is living on the head of a man.
See, now that's ridiculous, curse or no curse.
Will we show the Supreme Being that we're more than just shrubbery designers?
Yes.
Will I ever get over my breakup?
- No. - Oh, good.
Will I be lonely?
- Yes. - [Bittelig] Ah.
Will Kevin ever stop being a nerd?
- No. - Do we defeat Pure Evil?
No. Absolutely not.
Great. Guaranteed victory.
But that's not good.
Don't forget to save the universe. I know you can do it. I have faith in you!
- [sighs] - Okay, let's get to a portal
and find that missing piece of the map. Come on.
- And scurry. - Scurry.
[Widgit] Go, go, go, go, go, go! Use the children as shields!
"Living on the head of a man."
The portal's gotta be around here somewhere.
- [water rumbling] - Oh! Is that the portal?
[Widgit] Not according to the map.
What the flip is that?
Is it Neptune?
It's Poseidon. Greek version.
Kneel before Poseidon!
I wish all history was this cool.
This isn't history, Saff. This is mythology.
Right. Too exciting to be history.
Return the map.
- It's the Supreme Being! - [screaming]
Please, we just want to save my parents from Pure Evil.
Will you help us?
Return that which belongs to me!
Kevin, you can't reason with him. He has a god complex. Run!
[Supreme Being growls]
- Whoa. - "Whoa" is right.
[chuckles] Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, Kevster.
It is Kevster, isn't it?
Well... [stammers] ...yeah.
Mmm, I thought so.
Do you know who I am?
The Supreme Being?
Yes, the Supreme Being.
Is this heaven?
No, this isn't heaven, Kevin.
This is just a big, vast,
indeterminate white space that I've created out of nothing.
What was the nothing before that?
Absolute black darkness.
Before that, everything was pink.
I could make it... [stutters] ...anything you want though.
Like a museum?
[chuckles] Even a museum.
A couple of artifacts here and there, a gift shop over there selling postcards,
and the café with all the gross food in it.
I can make it anything you want, anything at all, but not right now.
But can't you just go like... [imitates blast]
It can't just happen like that.
It just takes time.
Also, there's all this HR bullshit you gotta deal with these days.
- Oh. - Yeah, it's a real hassle.
Now, Kevin, I didn't bring you here just to chat about building museums.
No. No, there's something else on my mind, and there's something else I need.
Can you guess what it is? Don't guess. I'll tell you.
- You want the map. - I want-- Oh, you know?
Oh, you-- How did you know?
When you were in your big, giant head, you went--
Yeah. Oh, so you do know. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, so I do want my map back. And how am I going to get it?
The bandits don't want to give it to you though.
[sighs] Curses.
Oh... [stammers] ...if there was only someone who could help me,
someone who's on my side.
Like a spy?
A sp-- Ooh, now there's an idea.
You are an imaginative young man, aren't you?
Yes, maybe like a spy.
Maybe a spy who steals things back for the original owner.
If you were to get them to give you the map
and then you were to give me the map, then I would give you something in return.
My own full-size Stonehenge to live in?
Mmm, no.
I was actually thinking more along the lines of giving you your parents back.
You can do that?
Oh... [snickers] ...can I do that?
I can do anything, Kevin.
[Supreme Being chuckles]
I can get your parents back, man. Yeah.
What's more, those parents were kind of a mistake,
wouldn't you agree?
They weren't into what you were into,
they didn't give a damn about history, they hated the fact you read books.
They didn't listen to you, Kevin.
I can give you better versions of your parents.
[gasps] How about that?
Parents that are actually interested in you.
You could have anything...
or anyone.
[Musa] You can have any parents you want, Kevin.
[coins jingling]
- [Supreme Being] Maybe you want... - [students] Kevin.
- ...this. - [student 1] Come on our team.
[student 2] No, come and play with us, Kev.
- [students clamoring] - Look, they all want you. Look at them.
Are you gonna join them, Kevin?
Kevin, tell us some history facts.
Yeah, no football.
[students cheering] History, history, history!
So what do you say, Kevin? Do we have a deal?
[Penelope] Kevin.
Now listen, Kevin. That map is very important to me, okay?
Yeah.
Be my spy, go back to those bandits...
[Supreme Being] ...and get me that map.
[Supreme Being] You could have anything. Anything you want.
[chuckling]
[Bittelig] Oh, that's not a very nice thing to say.
[Alto] Too close, too close, too close.
[Bittelig] That was too close.
- He almost grabbed Kevin. - [Penelope] How did he find us?
[Alto] Why does everything keep going wrong?
[Widgit] Things are going wrong because of Penelope's terrible leadership qualities.
Or your inability to read a map,
Mr. "Oh, we're in the tundra," and "Oh"-- [stammers] "I think it's Paris, 1920."
We're gonna go to that place. You'll see.
Maybe there's a spy in our ranks.
- [Alto] Where's Judy? - [Penelope] That's right. Where is Judy?
Let's talk about that, or let's talk about you disappearing in the desert.
- Oh. - Ah.
Well, you've all disappeared, by the way. I have not.
Typical spy activity there.
- Who, the actor? - Yeah.
Who's never himself, master of disguise, okay?
I think the three of you are working together.
That's a spy ring.
I'm only capable of telling the truth.
Your acting is not truth-telling, my friend.
[Widgit] I'm not a spy, Penelope. You're the one with the ulterior motive.
- [Alto, Bittelig] What? - [sighs] Can we focus please?
- Oh. - [Bittelig] Yes.
Yes, we should focus.
We have to get to where Susan died.
Oh, come on. That is so far away.
We have to travel through so many places and time to get there.
Well, I figured out a shortcut that will eliminate all the stops along the way.
Call it an express route if you will.
- Is there a catch? - No. Well, ye--
[all screaming]
- [Widgit groans] - Oh, my gosh. That was, like, close.
We almost fell off a cliff!
Wow, I was right.
Uh, you said you were certain we would survive.
- Uh, almost certain. - Almost?
- Yeah, about 60% certain. - Sixty percent?
What was all this you were saying about Penelope having an ulterior motive?
Oh, yeah. Look, Penelope secretly told me
to take us to all the places where her Gavin could be.
That was Penelope's plan the whole time. Weren't it, Penelope?
- What? - Who?
Her ex-fiancé.
[stammers] Only ex because he disappeared. Technically we're still together.
No, no, no. You said we were doing this to be free, to rebel, to live our lives.
All this time, you've been looking for your ex-boyfriend?
- Fiancé. - You lied to us?
I don't characterize it that way.
No, it's just-- it's-- it's more multifaceted.
It's not-- He misrepresented.
[sighs] Oh-- Oh, look. That's us getting captured by Maori.
- Oh, look! Th-- There's Judy. - [Widgit] Judy!
Judy! Avoid the void!
[Bittelig] We can't hear us. Judy!
Oh, it's too late again.
- Always too late. - [Bittelig] Yeah.
- Take a moment. - Oh, this is where Susan died.
- [Bittelig] Thank you, Kevin. - [sighs] Real sensitive.
- Real sensitive. - [Alto] Thanks.
Yes, this is the cliff where Susan tragically fell,
and yes, where she tragically got squashed by the boulder.
- Yeah. It hurts, doesn't it? - The shoes.
All that is left of her.
I can't see a dead body down there.
No, no, no, we heard the screams.
And we saw her fall off the cliff.
And then she said, "I'm falling off this cliff."
And then she said, "Now I'm gonna get crushed by this giant boulder." [groans]
It was sad.
And all that was left to remember her by is those shoes.
[Penelope] Size 13.
- [sighs] Can we take a minute for Susan? - Yep.
- [Bittelig] Susan. - [Widgit sighs]
Uh, don't want to interrupt this downer vibe,
but is that her over there?
- [Alto] Oh, my word. My-- - [Penelope] Ooh.
That's-- That's-- That is!
She's not-- She's not--
Susan! Susan!
- Susan! - Susan!
- [Alto] Susan! - Susan! Susan!
Susan!
- Susan! - She's running away from you.
- She just doesn't recognize us, you know? - Yeah.
- Susan, we're coming! - Susan!
- We're coming!
[all clamoring] Susan!
- Susan! Susan! - Oh, that portal's not on the map.
No, and she doesn't have a map.
Unless she does.
The missing piece.
Probably faked her death so she could steal it.
Susan would never do that to us.
We're coming, Susan! We're coming!
[Bittelig] Susan will be so happy to see us!
[all clamoring] Susan!
- [Susan shouts] - [all clamoring] Susan!
- Susan! - Susan!
Susan! She can't hear.
Maybe her hearing was damaged by the boulder.
Damaged hearing? Have you never been blanked before?
[all clamoring] Susan!
- [Penelope] Susan, it's us! - [Widgit] Susan!
Guards, stop them. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Halt.
You can't run this way. There's a wall here.
Well, no, there isn't. But we're just trying to catch up with our friend who,
um... [stammers] ...I guess jumped over this space.
No one can jump over this wall. It is impossible.
But she did because there's not a wall. [chuckles]
- There is a wall. - Then how did she go over there?
- Susan! - Oh, is that a code word? "Susan!"
I know who you are.
You are assassins sent by my enemies to kill me.
[Time Bandits gasping, clamoring]
People say I am superstitious.
But you're not superstitious
if they're actually constantly trying to murder you with poison!
- We're not trying to do that. - No.
It is this kind of thing that I'm trying to put a stop to with my wall.
Are you Qin Shi Huang?
I am, tiny assassin.
Wow. I've always wanted to see your great wall.
Well, okay, but it's not a--
Great. Well, really, it's-- it's good.
It's not finished, but thank you.
Well, you're very welcome.
All right, let's go.
If they come over this side,
stab them in the eyes, and gut them like a fish.
- [Widgit] Oh, my giddy aunt. - Really? For not jumping over not a wall?
That's pretty strict.
Hold on, wait. I'm a soothsayer.
A soothsayer? That's my favorite thing after walls.
[Kevin] Yes, and I can tell you
that people will flock from all over the world to see your wall.
It's not supposed to bring people in. It's supposed to keep people out!
[stammers] No, it totally will.
It'll be made out of four million bricks and take 2,000 years to finish.
2,000 years?
My builders told me four months. This is so ridiculous, so typical, huh?
Uh, it's really hard to get good builders.
- Am I right? - Wow, four million bricks.
- Wow. Congrats. - Well done. Well done, you.
- We really need to be somewhere. - Yeah, well done.
Guards, let them in.
- Ah. Thank you. [groans] - [Qin Shi Huang] Check them for poison.
I actually quite like that idea.
Four million bricks is so freaking cool.
Trust me, it will all work out for the best.
You'll become the first emperor of China.
- What is China? - China is the--
Kevin, we have to run if we're going to catch Susan!
[screaming, clamoring]
[Penelope] Susan?
It's Susan! Susan!
- [screams] - Oh, good Lord!
Is this the Olympic Games? The high jump?
Much worse. This is the city of Caffa in 1343.
It's under siege from the Mongol Horde,
who are catapulting plague victims into the city.
Gross. Why do you even know this?
It's the first recorded case of biological warfare.
This is how the Black Death reached Europe.
Okay, well-- So, we need to get out of here.
Yeah, and all we have to do is run through a load of zombies.
This part of history is probably better to read about.
- Where's Susan? - We've lost Susan.
Susan! Susan!
[Time Bandits clamoring] Susan!
Susan! Come back!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing, all this running and searching and looking and running?
What is this?
We're looking for our best friend, Susan.
Yes, and trying to stay away from highly infectious fatal disease.
Ah, yes, the so-called "bubonic plague."
I don't think you have to worry about that.
It seems insane not to worry about a very contagious disease that is deadly.
No, no, it's just like the flu. Everybody's gonna get it eventually.
- Oh, really? - No, no, no.
You only get the plague if you are old, and we are just 24.
Or if you wash, huh? So don't wash. That's the big one.
He's washing.
Yes, but in urine.
- [Time Bandits clamoring, retching] - [villager] Yes. Oh, yes.
- No. - [villager] Yes.
Guaranteed bubonic plague protection, 100%.
Follow me for more great tips.
On what?
On foot. Follow me on foot.
Just down there, to the left. My shop is there.
- No. We are not going to follow. - We have carpets for you.
You will enjoy. Come, come, come, come.
Susan! Come back. It's us. Susan!
[all clamoring] Susan!
[Penelope] Susan, you can't-- Susan.
Susan, it's us.
[clamoring continues] Susan!
[Penelope] It's harder to find you if you keep running away.
[all clamoring] Susan!
- Susan, it's us. [chuckles] It is. - [Kevin] Susan.
I know it's you because you can't take a hint!
[exhales sharply] I quit, okay?
I'm not a bandit anymore.
Susan would never say that.
- I'm Susan! - What have you done with the real Susan?
I'm Susan,
and I'm just trying to get somewhere, and I don't want you to follow.
Leave me alone.
I-- I-- I don't understand.
[clears throat] Excuse me, everyone.
I have something very important to say. [clears throat]
[villager] Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What was that cough?
Oh, that-- that was just me clearing my throat.
I'm about to deliver an oration, you know, like this.
- [clearing throat] - [villagers murmuring]
Alto, outsiders suspected of bringing in the plague were killed.
- Well-- But we don't have the plague. - No.
Did you hear that?
I think these intruders might have brought in the plague
that I don't believe is a real thing.
[Penelope] What? No, people.
Don't kill us because you think we have a fatal disease.
Let the fatal disease you think we have do that for you.
[villagers murmuring]
[breathes deeply]
- Oops. No. I shouldn't have said-- - No. No.
It's the bodies that are being catapulted in that have the plague, not us.
- [groans] - Not us. Widgit-- [mutters]
[Penelope, Alto] Oh.
Oh, dear.
[wall cracking]
So weird.
Don't kill us.
- Come on then. - [Time Bandits clamoring] Susan.
What must that be?
[Time Bandits shouting, grunting]
[Bittelig grunts] Oh, yeah.
Susan came to save us.
[Widgit] I knew she wouldn't let us get mauled by a mob.
I knew she was joking about not wanting us to follow her.
She's got a great sense of humor.
Susan! Where is she?
Susan!
I bet your fake mate is in that house.
Well, why do you think that?
Uh, 'cause it's the only place here? Duh.
Well, no, I was gonna say that. Let's go.
What if the Supreme Being's in there, and-- and he's in the form of Zeus?
This could be a trap set up by the spy.
My sister's not the spy.
Things were going wrong long before she even came here.
Pretty much since you turned up actually.
Yeah, Kevin's probably the spy.
Okay. Susan will know who the spy is, okay?
And let's just get to the bottom of this not-wanting-to-be-a-bandit nonsense.
Gavin? Oh.
I don't believe it. I-- [chuckles]
After all this time, I've-- I've finally found you.
[chuckling] Oh, Gavin.
Oh, Susan?
Gavin.
- Gavin? Susan? - [Kevin] Oh. Well, that's nice.
Gavin is living with your best friend,
so you can visit them both at the same time.
So, what's-- what's happening?
Take your arm off him, Susan, unless he needs support.
But even if he does need support, I will support him.
Go away.
Penelope, I love Susan.
And I love Gavin.
[stutters] No, but I've--
I've been traveling through time to find you
and to show you what I could do, who I could be.
And that's good for you.
No, f-- Not-- No, for you. It's for you. Not me, you.
And then instead, this-- this-- this b-- bandit, this thief, she--
You stole my one true love.
Penelope, I'm not a piece of treasure.
You were to me.
You were the greatest treasure in the universe.
We didn't know how to tell you, so I ran away.
No-- [stutters] No, I--
I risked my life to collect all the world's greatest riches for you.
Look, s-- I have them here. See?
If you look at it, it's for you. Just look at all of this.
This is cutlery from Georgian Times, f-- the Earl of Sandwich.
And then this is--
Look at the gold and rubies from Mansa Musa and the-- the Sultan of Cairo.
Um, this is-- this is a dinosaur tooth.
Are you telling me you don't want this?
Penelope, I-- I never wanted treasure.
All I ever wanted was your time, and you spent it on other things.
Guess you don't want this picture of you then?
Is-- Is that supposed to be me?
Oh, it is you, right?
No, that-- I think you were only seeing what you wanted, Penelope.
But actually thinking about it, uh, this could be a really cool necklace.
No, you can't have that now.
What is going on here?
Look, I faked my death so I could get away from you.
And I stole a piece of the map so that you'd never find me here.
Oh, I can understand why you'd want to get away from Penelope,
but why would you want to get away from us?
Yeah. Once a bandit, always a bandit, right?
[sighs] Get real, guys.
Like, what did we ever do apart from,
you know, almost getting killed a lot and failing to steal?
Like, I just wanted to be with Gav, but you mob held me back.
- Okay. [muttering] - Oh.
Well, we did manage to get some stuff, but I...
But what? That's your whole haul.
And where's Judy?
She got lost in the void.
Ran away, more like.
You're not Time Bandits.
You're just hapless history tourists.
What's the point of youse?
You haven't done anything we set out to do.
Yeah. No, that's true.
We haven't done any of the things we set out to do.
What is the point of us?
Maybe we should all do a Susan
and take a bit off of the map and split up,
and then we'll never have to see each other ever again.
Penelope.
Gavin might not need you, but I do. I really do.
[no audible dialogue]
Thank you, Kevin.
Susan's right.
We haven't done any of the things we've set out to do,
but we've done other things.
What's the point of us?
We're a band, a group, some people together.
Yeah. Some people together, yeah. Very true. Not denying that.
I'm not finished.
We're a team.
We look out for each other.
That's our point. That's what we've done.
We don't need to impress people who don't care about us.
We care about each other, even the newest members of our team.
That's why we're going to help them save their parents
by taking them to just outside the most dangerous place in the universe.
Penelope, I will follow you to the doorway of the Fortress of Eternal Darkness.
So will I, all the way to the entrance and no further.
Me three. I'll happily go all the way there,
but not inside because I'm too afraid.
Okay. Susan, we need that piece of the map you took
so we can find our way to the Time of Legends.
You don't need the map to find the Time of Legends, you numpties.
You're already in it.
- Oh. - [chuckles]
- [rumbling] - [Penelope, Widgit] Oh!
- [Widgit] Earthquake! - [Time Bandits clamoring]
[Widgit] Earthquake!
[Penelope] Wha-- What is this?
Kevin! Careful!
[Time Bandits clamoring]
[Penelope] Oh!
What on earth is that?
- Oh, that's just Hen. - You live on a giant's head?
[Penelope] Oh.
"Living on the head of a man."