1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,173 [alarm beeping] 2 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:09,405 [rhythmic percussion in time with actions] 3 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:11,742 - [chewing, burps] 4 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:13,848 [rhythmic gulping] 5 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,980 [licking, burps] 6 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,747 [yawns] 7 00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:20,245 [coffee bubbling, ice clinking, liquid sloshing] 8 00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:22,386 [lock jangling, knocks] 9 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:24,792 [whipping, snapping, crunching] 10 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:25,794 [lock jangling] 11 00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:27,685 Come on. 12 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:28,827 [flatulence] 13 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,062 [horn honking] let's go! 14 00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:34,666 [dog barks] 15 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,501 [tar sloshing] 16 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,096 ♪ 17 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,138 Unh! 18 00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:42,273 [flatulence, grunting] 19 00:00:42,308 --> 00:00:45,678 Oh! [bowels gurgling] 20 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,312 Ah. Hey. 21 00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,077 [gurgling continues] 22 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:56,423 [electronic music] 23 00:00:56,456 --> 00:01:04,456 ♪ 24 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,771 - What happens when a women takes a romantic risk 25 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,974 On a surface where she can't find her footing? 26 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,137 It's not ice skating. 27 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,005 It's ice dating. 28 00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,183 - ♪ you ain't got a man, what you doing right now? ♪ 29 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:21,512 - Let's meet our skaters. 30 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,578 Say hello to liz, 31 00:01:23,616 --> 00:01:27,086 A publicity and event planner from san diego, california. 32 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,650 - I'm liz. 33 00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:31,858 My catchphrase I think at this point is "thank you." 34 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:34,691 My pet peeve is being called ridiculous. 35 00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:35,927 Up until this point, 36 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,832 I've dated a lot of older guys. 37 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,064 - There's a tone in your voice... 38 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,599 - [high-pitched] there is? 39 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,173 - That sounds like what you've been doing 40 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,272 With older men maybe has not been working. 41 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,703 - What do you mean? 42 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:46,037 - How do you feel about dating a younger man? 43 00:01:46,072 --> 00:01:47,142 A much younger man? 44 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:48,613 - Like, I love to have fun, 45 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:49,811 But I don't want to date someone who's, like, wild. 46 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,283 You know what I mean. 47 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,581 But...I'll do it. 48 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,324 - Let's meet her skating partner. 49 00:01:56,349 --> 00:01:59,149 C-czar is a toilet baby from alhambra. 50 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:02,615 - My name is c-czar. I'm 17 years old. 51 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:05,015 My catchphrase is "let them eat cake!" 52 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,488 And my pet peeve is saying I'm sorry. 53 00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:08,857 - What kind of woman are you looking for? 54 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,055 C-czar? I need you to-- 55 00:02:11,097 --> 00:02:12,497 - Ha ha ha! 56 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,532 Basically, like, I'm looking for someone 57 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,567 Who accepts me for who I am, 58 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:19,303 Who's, um-- 59 00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:21,139 - C-czar? - What's up, man? 60 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,674 - You were in the middle of a sentence. 61 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,409 - Okay, so, like, whatever the question was 62 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:25,684 Is like slit my neck. 63 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,182 - Don't--that's very sharp. 64 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:28,753 - You're not my dad. - All right. 65 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:30,251 Let's put these two in the rink 66 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:33,823 And see if they get into the groove. 67 00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:36,963 - [grunting] aah! 68 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,460 - Hey hey! - Oh, my god. 69 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,562 I'm sorry, I'm, like, waiting here, like, for a date. 70 00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:45,025 - Like prince charming? - What? 71 00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:47,304 - Well, ribbit! Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap! 72 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:50,203 It's prince charming! I'm c-czar. 73 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:52,736 - Oh. Nice to meet you. 74 00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:54,842 - Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right. 75 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:57,184 [laughter] - I like how you look. 76 00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:58,780 - You're, like, scary on the outside, 77 00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:00,711 But, like, very sweet on the in. 78 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,347 - Yeah, like a croissant. 79 00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,817 - Do you eat a lot out of vending machines? 80 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,923 - I love candy for dinner. What about you? 81 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:10,485 Skate with me. Skate backwards. 82 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,023 - You're, like, pushing my buttons. 83 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,458 - You like it? 84 00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,093 - So, like, you've very good on the ice. 85 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:17,558 - I'm good on the ice, but I'm also good in bed. 86 00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:18,957 Give me your helmet! Give me your helmet! 87 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,098 [laughing] - no, I won't! 88 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,504 - Spin around! - Don't! Don't do it. 89 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,166 Like, that's the wrong button to push! 90 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,835 No, that wasn't fun. - What? I'm just being flirty. 91 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,705 Aah! 92 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:34,313 No, you can't stop me. You can't stop me. 93 00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,917 Liz! - What? 94 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,048 - I grew up outside of new york city, 95 00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:42,046 But when I think about new york, 96 00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:44,488 I still think of, like, woody allen's new york city, 97 00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:45,764 Which is actually like 98 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,992 Four square blocks in the upper west side, but... 99 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:50,257 [imitating woody allen] reminded of an old joke 100 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:52,296 That I used to tell as a toddler. 101 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:55,572 My father, who was a caddy at a pool, 102 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,742 And he would say, uh, 103 00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:00,110 "you know, I could never get a tip 104 00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,179 Because everybody was always drowning." 105 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:05,709 [laughing] 106 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,905 Does that sound like a woody allen joke? 107 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,917 [bombastic jazz music] 108 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:13,750 ♪ 109 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:15,046 [knock at door] 110 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,318 - And that's why alan alda is a sex symbol. 111 00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,787 - Yeah. - Hello. 112 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:23,496 Both: Ooohhh, hello. 113 00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:26,399 - Hi. - Young beautiful geisha. 114 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,602 Are you here for the party? You're a little early, 115 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,195 But the early bird gets the wormy-worm. 116 00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:32,666 - And that's--that's code for shvanz. 117 00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:34,165 - I'm here because the super said 118 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,937 There's some complaints about some possible hoarding. 119 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,305 - Whoring? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 120 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,343 - Oh, no. "hoarding," with a "d". 121 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:41,409 - Are you the cleaning lady? - I'm a clutter specialist. 122 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,047 - I say entree, entree, my dear. 123 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:46,182 - All right, then. - Come into our dojo. 124 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:49,089 So do you have a ride? Does anyone know you're here? 125 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,292 - Smells like, um, tuna in here. 126 00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:52,794 - Oh, thank you. 127 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:54,285 - Well, you guys are planning on having a party 128 00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,787 Here tonight. 129 00:04:55,828 --> 00:04:57,428 - Right, we're having a real sort of a swingers thing. 130 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,803 - You know, we should get rid of some things 131 00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:01,202 To make space for your... 132 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,434 - Absolutely. That's what I've been saying. 133 00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:03,998 - Big, big party--wow. - What do you mean? 134 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,797 Why would we get rid of anything? 135 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,038 - Well, let's start with these newspapers. 136 00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,184 - Excuse me, then how am I supposed to keep a record 137 00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:12,439 Of every time that alan alda is mentioned inside of a newspaper? 138 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,978 - We call it "alda news that's fit to print." 139 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:15,453 It's a thing we like to stack. 140 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:16,821 - Oh, you know what? 141 00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,819 You have just a great, lovely snow globe collection. 142 00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,521 - Thank you. 143 00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:21,823 - I mean, it's covered by this duck sauce-- 144 00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,164 - Yeah, well, then what are we supposed to brush 145 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:25,159 Our teeth with if we don't use the duck sauce? 146 00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:26,561 - No-- - no, you don't--oh! 147 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,862 - Ho ho! And there's duck sauce everywhere. 148 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,195 - Nobody needs this much duck sauce. 149 00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,059 - You're tearing us apart, yoko. 150 00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:33,368 - She's not yoko. 151 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,269 She's a connie chung to our two maurys. 152 00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:37,671 You've gotta relax, please. - I'm having a panic attack. 153 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,174 I'm having great anxiety. 154 00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:40,565 - You know what's happening? 155 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,566 The state of this apartment, it's like that a&e show. 156 00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:44,338 Inside the actor's studio. 157 00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:45,637 You know, 'cause you're an artist. 158 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,208 - Yeah, 'cause I'm creative! 159 00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:49,846 - I can't have you interfere with another lay of mine, man. 160 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:53,122 I need this one. Come here, my best friend. 161 00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,992 Come here. Everything's gonna be fine. 162 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,892 Take your 9/11 snow globe. Lay down. 163 00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,485 Here's what I want you to do. 164 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,156 I want you to take a couple xanax. 165 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,895 Okay, here's-- ten's a couple. 166 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:05,330 I'm gonna work with her. 167 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,625 I won't let her touch anything. 168 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:07,626 Everything will be fine 169 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,597 By the time you wake up. 170 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,535 Let's get rid of everything, right? 171 00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:13,371 - Great. Let's go to the kitchen. 172 00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,336 - Okay. Do you do gross polaroids? 173 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:21,708 - Night, rico. See you tomorrow, buddy. 174 00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:24,278 - You're the best. Bye, stasi, bye, cheska. 175 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,917 Ugh. Where's the car? 176 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,524 Just press it. It'll boop-boop it. 177 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,185 - I parked it right here, remember? 178 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,734 I was like, "look at that cash money spot we got." 179 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,000 - I want to be home in bed grinding my teeth. 180 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:40,329 - Oh. Wendells, our car got towed. 181 00:06:40,366 --> 00:06:43,296 What are we supposed to do? Go downtown and retrieve it? 182 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,796 - Wouldn't it be easier just to buy a new one? 183 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:48,168 - ♪ money, big money, big dough ♪ 184 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,482 [tires squealing] 185 00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,484 [crash, car horn blaring] 186 00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,316 - [groans] 187 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,421 Why do you have to drive with your knees? 188 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:03,023 - I was taking a bong hit, you idiot. 189 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:04,785 - Ugh. You're buying the next car. 190 00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,064 - Don't be such a jew, aspen. 191 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,732 - I'm only half-jewish, wendy! 192 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,000 - Whatever! - Oh, my god, are you guys okay? 193 00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,199 - We're fine. This happens, like... 194 00:07:12,231 --> 00:07:13,601 - You know what? 195 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,233 If you're going back inside, 196 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,568 Can you just get me some fresh, clean boxers? 197 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,102 I think I made a boom-boom in my pants. 198 00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:19,697 - I am calling the police. 199 00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,769 - No, no! - No, no, no, no! 200 00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,008 Let me see that. - No policia. 201 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,312 - No, no, no, no. No police. 202 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:26,043 - No policia. Alcoholico, alcoholico! 203 00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,678 - Give her money, give her money. 204 00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:30,223 - 20, 40... - Thank you. 205 00:07:30,249 --> 00:07:32,019 - 60...[retches] - ah! 206 00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:33,691 - Oh, no, old faithful. 207 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:36,019 Ugh! Oh, man. - Okay. 208 00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:38,185 - I actually feel, like, a lot better. 209 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,664 - Well, you guys are disgusting people. 210 00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:42,763 I always thought that everyone had a little bit of good 211 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,795 In them, but... I don't see it with you. 212 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:48,672 [touching music] 213 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:51,271 - Oh, my god. Undigested vicodins. 214 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,974 - Oh! - Are you joking me? 215 00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:56,005 - I guess I did have, like, a little bit of good in me. 216 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,712 - [laughing] aspen, man! Okay. 217 00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:01,054 - We're very sorry. - Seriously. 218 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,880 - We would like you to have our car. 219 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,915 It's, like, a 2000 whatever year we're in. 220 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:08,191 And, like, totally enjoy it. You're awesome. 221 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,391 - It's great. You're the best. 222 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:11,663 - I didn't like that car anyway. 223 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:12,891 It had, like, too many buttons on it. 224 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:15,055 - Definitely. [underwear snaps loudly] 225 00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:20,968 [telephone ringing, man snoring] 226 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,170 - [snorts, grunts] 227 00:08:25,204 --> 00:08:27,544 Hello? - Hey, it's liz, your publicist. 228 00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,013 I've been trying to call you for an hour. 229 00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:31,181 Now you have the radio interview, like, now. 230 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,710 - Oh, all right. 231 00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:34,275 - So just, like, talk about the album. 232 00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:35,453 Just do it, okay? Just do it. 233 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:36,751 Be chill. - Yeah. 234 00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:37,952 - Now we have the privilege 235 00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:41,094 Of speaking to a very important musician, 236 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,190 Who has a new "best of" album. 237 00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:44,462 On the air, you're on the air! 238 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,320 Como estas? 239 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,459 - Uh, tip-top. Yeah, I feel, uh... 240 00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,125 - Oh, you sound over it. 241 00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,233 What is going on in your life? 242 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,226 - Uh, well... 243 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,498 To be honest... 244 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,937 I'm gonna kill myself today. 245 00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:02,872 [suspenseful music] 246 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:05,009 [sobbing] 247 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,754 ♪ 248 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,180 - I don't care! Do you care? 249 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,075 - No. - Do you care? 250 00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,047 - [shakes tambourine] - do you care? 251 00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:15,015 All right! [maracas shaking] 252 00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,924 [laughter and cheering] 253 00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:20,026 - Yeah. - [bleep] you. 254 00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,689 [chicken caws] 255 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,257 [hip-hop music] 256 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,097 - Like-- - aah! 257 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,703 - You're in the penalty box, c-czar. 258 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:30,995 Do you know why? 259 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,867 - 'cause this show is stupid. 260 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,135 [gentle music] 261 00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:37,344 I'm c-czar. - Nice to meet you. 262 00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,506 - Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right. 263 00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:41,775 [laughter] that's so considerate. 264 00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:43,554 - Oh, I like to hang out with my friends. 265 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,983 I like to skateboard. 266 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:46,477 I'm trying to break the world record 267 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,149 For cereal eating right now. 268 00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:51,217 - Just say you're sorry to liz. Let's hear it. 269 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,317 - But I'm scared. 270 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:53,928 What if she don't take my apology? 271 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,060 - You gotta take a chance. 272 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,664 - I can't set myself up like that! 273 00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:58,726 - C-czar, take a chance on love. 274 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,004 - Thank you, dave. You're an inspiration to me. 275 00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,033 - Whoa. There you go. 276 00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,709 I got you a hot chocolate. 277 00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:11,041 I don't know if you wanted any or not. 278 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:14,407 - Thank you. [sniffs] 279 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,077 It's good. I'm done. Thank you. 280 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:20,516 - Yo, so, like, I talked in the penalty box to dave, 281 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:24,263 And he said that I should say to you... 282 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:29,456 That I'm sorry. 283 00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,555 And that's, like, really hard for me to say, 284 00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,667 Because it's, like, my main pet peeve. 285 00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:36,499 - Listen, like, I know how pet peeves are, 286 00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:38,035 'cause, like, I have a major one, 287 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,670 Which is to be called ridiculous. 288 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:42,505 - Liz, I just want to say to you, like straight up, 289 00:10:42,541 --> 00:10:44,341 I think you're, like, ridiculously... 290 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,477 - No! I told you I-- - amazing. 291 00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:49,713 - Oh, my god. I jumped the gun. 292 00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:52,619 - Can I ask you a question? 293 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,192 - You can literally ask me anything 294 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:55,950 As long as it's in english. 295 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,988 - Would it be all right if I kissed you? 296 00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:01,464 - You would get in the penalty box if you didn't. 297 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,764 [romantic piano music] 298 00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:06,497 - Liz? [sour note] 299 00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:08,032 - Jason richards, my client! 300 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,367 - My point is it's not just people that get cancer. 301 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,903 Dogs get it too. 302 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:15,067 - I'll come around. - Yeah, great, sounds great. 303 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:16,807 - You need to get out of here. 304 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,412 [dramatic music] 305 00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,444 - Liz! 306 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,380 [dramatic music] 307 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:30,789 - In prison, a man needs friends to survive. 308 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:35,493 But making friends can be fraught with peril. 309 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,928 - You guys got lunch plans? You guys-- 310 00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:39,633 What table you guys sit at? 311 00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,795 - Jeff was a referee in the nba. 312 00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:45,535 - Exactly, that's a carry. We're going that way. 313 00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:49,541 What are we doing? 314 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:52,575 We doing hands in pants? Is that what we're doing? 315 00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:55,451 Love the kid 'n play movies. I love those kid 'n play movies. 316 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:58,351 Those guys? Shoo. They ever been in here? 317 00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,954 You guys like a duo? 318 00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:02,045 You looking for three musketeers or anything? 319 00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:06,757 Two-to-one says I sit with you guys 320 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,332 And it's tater tots for lunch. 321 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:13,400 Hey, crosby, stills, you looking for a nash? 322 00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:15,432 Right. 323 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,738 - With nowhere to sit... - You guys hanging? No? 324 00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:20,440 - Jeff needs to assert himself... 325 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,043 - [drops tray on table] 326 00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,014 - Or risk becoming a target. 327 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,343 - [blows whistle] 328 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,724 Fine! 329 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,480 I'll be your enemy! 330 00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:35,348 But the thing I'll you is I will be downstairs 331 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,517 In the tv room this afternoon, 332 00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:41,426 And you can do whatever you want at that point. 333 00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:43,630 You could think about your girlfriend at home. 334 00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:47,372 You want it to be sweet? Southern belle? 335 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,399 [soft voice] well, I never! 336 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,335 [normal voice] I'll do that all day. 337 00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,610 But you gotta come down to the tv room, 338 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:54,939 'cause I'm not coming to you. 339 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,544 Unless you want me to come to you, I will. 340 00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:58,605 Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be a top or a bottom. 341 00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:01,714 I guess I'll, you know, when--when the guys show up. 342 00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:04,817 - No one accepts jeff's invitation. 343 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,890 - Seems like some of the guys in the yard 344 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,789 Are giving me the cold shoulder, but-- 345 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:10,221 [louder] seems like some of of the guys in the yard 346 00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:11,656 Are giving me the cold shoulder. 347 00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:14,360 - You'll get through it. I did. 348 00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,463 - [chuckles] 349 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:19,355 Oh, it's good to have a friend. 350 00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:21,568 - More of a cellmate. - Yeah. 351 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,030 Cellmates don't talk like this. 352 00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:24,938 - I'm out in a month. 353 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,210 I can't wait to see my beautiful girls. 354 00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:30,839 - You're a fam--unh. [defecating] 355 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,006 You're a family man, huh? 356 00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:35,805 [toilet flushes] 357 00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:38,178 For the rest of my life, it's like I've been in solitary, 358 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,977 And all of a sudden, you know, 359 00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:41,689 I got a group of guys that I can connect with. 360 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,520 We're locked in here together. There's no escaping. 361 00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,586 Maurice, I had a dream that you wouldn't believe. 362 00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:51,228 I guess I'll have to tell you the whole thing 363 00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:52,503 Start to finish. 364 00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:55,501 [somber music] 365 00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,274 ♪ 366 00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:58,603 Maurice? 367 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,467 Guards! 368 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:03,067 Somebody broke into my cell 369 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,438 And hung my best friend last night. 370 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:07,507 - Jeff has lost his only friend. 371 00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:09,876 - Don't worry, maurice. 372 00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:13,245 - Making another will be the key to his survival. 373 00:14:13,285 --> 00:14:14,845 - Who am I gonna sit with at lunch? 374 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:17,387 Is he gone? - Shut up. 375 00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,093 - Anybody here in the room 376 00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:21,164 Ever been on the verge of suicide? 377 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,493 [baby voice] si. 378 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,758 - Aww. - Baby! 379 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,626 You have wanted to kill yourself? 380 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,374 What did you use, baby? 381 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:30,599 [baby voice] those little plastic car keys. 382 00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:31,696 [normal voice] uh-huh? 383 00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:33,737 [baby voice] and I tried to slit my wrists. 384 00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:35,542 [normal voice] and what happened? 385 00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:36,774 [baby voice] I couldn't grip the keys 386 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,209 'cause of my stupid baby fingers. 387 00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,545 [normal voice] oh! 388 00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,080 [deep voice] I kind of want to kill myself 389 00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:44,515 All the time, too. 390 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,820 - There's so many characters! 391 00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:49,251 There's so many loveable characters on this show. 392 00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:50,358 [chuckles] 393 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,319 [jazz music] 394 00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:55,688 - So we submit it to the new yorker, 395 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,858 And they took away our subscription. 396 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,057 Would you believe that? 397 00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:00,568 - You know, I did my thesis on the history 398 00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:01,869 Of the turtleneck sweater, 399 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,071 And the first one was made out of wood. 400 00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:07,073 - Rise and whine. - Oh, god. 401 00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:08,566 - I just had a nightmare 402 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,837 That hot lips from m.A.S.H. Attacked me. 403 00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:13,306 Where's all my stuff? Where's my newspapers? 404 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:14,545 - Oh, don't worry. They're burnt. 405 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,050 And the party's started. - Who's here? 406 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,452 - Only some of the hottest singles 407 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,124 From my kashi addiction group. 408 00:15:20,152 --> 00:15:21,992 Glen, patronia, welcome. 409 00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:23,991 - Good friends. - Kashi. 410 00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,863 And some of the most disgraced professors 411 00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,131 On the upper west side. 412 00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,559 These women are wetter than an aqua sock. 413 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,425 - Georgie! [george and gil groan] 414 00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:34,103 Georgie! - Oh, crap, sylvia. 415 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,673 She's wanted to sleep with me since the wall came down. 416 00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:36,871 - The berlin wall? 417 00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:38,402 - No, that tupac mural on 90th. 418 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:42,267 - Georgie, oh, there you are! 419 00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:43,878 We're about to do impressions 420 00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:46,179 Of our favorite npr personalities. 421 00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:47,411 Are you in? 422 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,146 - Oh, afraid not, afraid not, syl. 423 00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:51,351 Can't right now. - Of course. 424 00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:54,953 Gil must be dragging you down to see joel play music. 425 00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:58,287 - Who's what now? - Your son. 426 00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:02,494 - Oh, my beautiful son joel! The light of my life. 427 00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,928 It's a very conflicting subject, fathers and sons, 428 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,734 And it makes me want to go have a clamhattan. 429 00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:09,095 Excuse me. 430 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,644 - You know what? This party is a snooze-a-thon. 431 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,910 We gotta go downtown, mix it up. 432 00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,339 - I don't know. 433 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:17,414 I guess it'd be good to reconnect with my boy joel. 434 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:20,043 - Yeah, also we could dingle some of the city college coeds. 435 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,379 - Yeah! 436 00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:23,653 - To downtown. - To downtown. 437 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:28,921 - Ugh! I can still really taste the clam. 438 00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,294 - Still, we're downtown. Nyc! 439 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,863 - Ooh. 440 00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:37,101 - Why do we care about him, baby? 441 00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:38,699 [baby voice] because every human being 442 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:41,201 Deserves to be loved. 443 00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:44,903 - I just want to do what I've been blessed to do, 444 00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:48,107 Which is give the world more frat rock. 445 00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,310 - But, you know, we don't care about your career, 446 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:54,152 But we care about you. [comical sound effects] 447 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,379 - A little bit ago, I was gonna overdose on drugs 448 00:16:57,416 --> 00:17:00,786 And autoerotic asphyxiation, but now I'm not gonna do that. 449 00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:03,019 - Huh. Yeah, okay. 450 00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:08,094 [jazz music] 451 00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:09,487 [industrial music playing] 452 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,798 - Hey, is there music playing? 453 00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,330 'cause I know that I'm shouting. 454 00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,595 - Oh, finally, all right! Look at these young coeds. 455 00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:19,195 - All right, downtown. Bingo bongos. 456 00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:21,608 Excuse me. All right. 457 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,010 - Who's nosferatu up there? - Oh, that's my sweet joel. 458 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,254 My sweet joel! [cheers and applause] 459 00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:30,109 Yay! Cut the music, cut the music! 460 00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:31,979 - Dad? 461 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,247 - Sweetheart, I told you not to call me "dad" anymore. 462 00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:36,046 Remember? I'm gil. 463 00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,158 You remember my best friend george st. Geegland. 464 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,020 - It's me, uncle george. George st. Geegland. 465 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,429 - Yeah, sure, I-- 466 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:42,660 - Who's the little sparkplug in the hat there? 467 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,004 The girl with the child's body? 468 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,159 - That's my friend. 469 00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:46,627 - You know how to get into her apartment? 470 00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,165 - I'm so proud of you, joel. 471 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,600 Look at you doing your thing. 472 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,435 You're still trying. 473 00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:53,340 - You know what lou reed once said? 474 00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:54,812 - "get out of my bedroom. 475 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,380 You guys are masturbating in here, and this is my home." 476 00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:58,509 - What? 477 00:17:58,544 --> 00:17:59,714 - I know that I haven't really been 478 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,705 Anywhere near you for about 10, 15 years, 479 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,977 But I just want to say to you 480 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,946 That we need a little bit of cash for the ride home. 481 00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:08,945 - For cabbie-cab? We don't do bus. 482 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,987 - Get out of here. 483 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,293 - Thanks, son. 484 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:15,294 And, boy, oh, boy, it's great to see you. 485 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:16,387 - Gil? 486 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,128 - What's that, joey? 487 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:22,134 - What'd you think of my music? 488 00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:25,137 [gentle music] 489 00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,140 ♪ 490 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,872 - You know I've never been the best judge of songs. 491 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,077 [hip-hop music] 492 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,153 - I'll come around. - Yeah, great. 493 00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:37,651 - I'll come around. - Sounds great. 494 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,023 You need to get out of here. 495 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,251 [ominous music] 496 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,146 - How can you do this to me right now? 497 00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:44,418 - So, like, I'm a business woman, 498 00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,416 Even though I love to have fun. 499 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:46,717 - I said I was sorry to you! 500 00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,588 - Stop looking at me. Stop talking. 501 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:49,927 Hi! How are you? - Good. Hi. 502 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,532 - Oh, my god. You look amazing. 503 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:53,733 - Hi. Who's this? - What's that? 504 00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:54,895 Oh, he's, like, actually someone 505 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:56,233 That I just, like, called over here, 506 00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:57,238 Like, to take my trash. 507 00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,239 So, like, please take this trash, 508 00:18:58,270 --> 00:18:59,770 And then, like, take it. 509 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,205 'cause, like, I just need people to, like, 510 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,510 Take my trash sometimes, because I'm a professional. 511 00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:05,012 Sit down. - Yeah. 512 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,183 I was looking at this for my daughter's birthday party. 513 00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,921 My daughter, dylan, she's turning 11. 514 00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:12,219 I want to have her birthday party here. 515 00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:13,381 And now I'm thinking-- I wonder if you 516 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,788 And your partner are available. 517 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,790 - What's that? 518 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,051 - What was your partner's name? 519 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,189 - Liz. - Your partner's name. 520 00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,534 - Liz. - What's your name? 521 00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:22,159 - Liz. - Right, okay. 522 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:24,404 - [screams] 523 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:28,629 I don't even know you anymore, liz! 524 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,197 - Her name is liz. - My name is liz. 525 00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,935 - I will straight up drop a bullet in your unit! 526 00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:35,711 Blap! Blap! Blap! Blap! 527 00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,841 - I've never met an impressive person at a skating rink. 528 00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:40,136 - You want me to throw out the trash? 529 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,479 Well, you're the trash! 530 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:45,023 [dramatic music] 531 00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:46,620 - Oh, my god. 532 00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:47,792 - Looks like they're gonna be looking 533 00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:49,689 For a new ice-skating trash boy. 534 00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,361 - How dare you! 535 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:55,630 I will cover your event, and I will do it with gusto, 536 00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:57,331 But let me just tell you one thing. 537 00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,302 I need to follow my heart. 538 00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:01,471 Mark it down. Happy birthday to your son. 539 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,900 - Daughter. Dylan. - Thank you. 540 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,265 - Do you know him? 541 00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:07,073 - ♪ sometimes 542 00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:08,965 - C-czar. 543 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:10,677 - ♪ we don't know what we do 544 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,179 - I'm sorry, like, honestly. 545 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,613 - I'm sorry for being wild. 546 00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:19,118 - ♪ but hurting you 547 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,251 - I love you. - I love you too. 548 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:25,686 - ♪ is the last thing I would do ♪ 549 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,734 ♪ oh-ho-oh threeway-- 550 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:29,589 - Ow! My lip! 551 00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:31,798 - Oh, my god. It's really bleeding. 552 00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:34,670 - Ow! You screwed up my lip! 553 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,740 We can never be happy! 554 00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,699 - [swallows] ugh! 555 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:40,908 - I still love you. 556 00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:42,269 I want to make this work. - I love you too. 557 00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,807 - Well, things got a little rough out here on the ice, 558 00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,342 But c-czar-- - ow! It hit me! 559 00:20:45,377 --> 00:20:47,847 It hit me this time! - Ow! 560 00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,479 We can never be happy! - Honestly. 561 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:53,015 - C-czar and liz managed to get in their love zamboni 562 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:55,221 And smooth it all out. 563 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,394 They've made another love connection 564 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,122 Here on ice dating. 565 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,630 - Ha-ha. 566 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:08,495 - You know, I love basketball. 567 00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:11,243 The new york knicks, my favorite team. 568 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,910 And, you know, the knicks are a lot like my sex life. 569 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,280 Uh, they win every, you know, 30 years, 570 00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:19,509 And there's always black men around. 571 00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:20,614 [chuckles]