[heart beating]
[cheering and applause]
[man] We're rolling.
Rolling what? What are we--
We're shooting this?
Dude, we just shot that?
Why wouldn't you say "action"?
Leslie, Tim, one of y'all gotta say "action."
I'm sitting here, looking stupid.
That's not the look I'm going for.
Come on, this is the start of my movie.
I'm trying to give off pain and laughter... Laugh at my pain.
[beeping]
Laughter and pain, that's what I'm going for.
That's why we're doing this shot.
Just start the movie!
-[heart beating] -[cheering and applause]
[Kevin Hart] This tour has been unbelievable.
We're 90-cities deep right now
and each show has been a success.
We're now in our last city of Los Angeles.
Let's end it with a bang.
We're looking at 15,000 people tonight.
Put smiles on those people's faces,
give everybody the strength and ability to do what they do best,
and that's make people laugh.
Everybody want to be famous!
[all] Nobody want to put the work in.
Everybody want to be famous!
[all] Nobody want to put the work in.
Everybody want to be famous!
[all] Nobody want to put the work in.
I'll say it one more time. Everybody want to be famous!
But nobody want to put the work in.
-Let's go, y'all. -Gonna put the work in.
[Kevin] I've been on stages all over the world,
but a different stage prepared me for this moment.
Philadelphia.
Come home with me.
[hip-hop music playing]
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Phi-Phi-Philadelphia ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Philadelphia Around and down ♪
♪ That's my sound I've been around Town clown ♪
-♪ Clown or what? ♪ -♪ Uh, Philly funk ♪
♪ It's the big city Mother-- ♪
♪ Phi-Philadelphia ♪
♪ Big city, uh ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Philadelphia, come on ♪
Walk with me, see what I saw
and live what I've already lived.
My life, baby. We're in the streets. Philadelphia.
I told y'all it's real, okay?
Y'all don't think it's real. I'ma show you how real it was.
Harry, duh, you didn't believe I was a thug.
I'm about to show you, okay?
Watch how much shit-- Watch this.
Look over there. Watch, these kids know me right now.
What up, yo? What up, kids?
[laughing] All right.
Everybody know me. Just turn the camera back.
What up, baby? I'm home.
Dude, I know everybody. Follow me.
Oh, that's my man. Charlie!
Oh-- [laughs]
So see this area here? See where it says "Ontario Street"?
This was like a big street for me.
When I was a kid, our school bus
used to drop us off right here on this corner.
What up, boy? I'm home, man.
Hey, Jerry! [laughs]
That's Jeremy.
-Who? -Jeremy.
-You said Jerry. -No.
-I thought you said Jerry. -No, I didn't.
I definitely said Jeremy. I said Jeremy.
He repping the block. That's what he doing.
He's on a cell phone.
No, he's repping-- A matter of fact, I'm about to rep this corner.
Move, because y'all gonna mess up my rep right now.
This is how you rep a corner hard in Philly.
I was like 15.
I was watching Eddie Murphy come out on the stage.
And I remember the leather, the response
to him being on stage and the crowd...
I remember seeing so many people laugh at this one person.
I said, "I want that response.
I want that attention. I want that love.
I wanna make people laugh the way that this man made people laugh."
♪ You-you-you-you ain't You ain't seen nothing Like that... ♪
My best friend, right here...
Adam. This is Robbie.
When I say my days were spent with these guys
on the basketball court...
Now y'all don't believe all the shit that I say about basketball,
that I used to be good... These are two men that can confirm it.
Adam, was I good or not?
No.
Robbie, was I good in basketball?
You was okay, but you wasn't better than me.
-No, you used to swim good though. -[Robbie] Yeah.
They don't never talk about you could swim.
No, no, no, no. Guys,
I don't wanna talk about that right now.
You used to swim at Marcus Foster's.
[Kevin] I get that. I don't wanna--
You was fast.
I'm not trying to-- I don't want people to know that side.
I'm talking about me playing basketball right now.
[Kevin] You know, my swim team was so huge,
they actually made a movie about it.
The movie Pride was based off of PDR,
which is called the Philadelphia Department of Recreation.
My swim team, you know.
Young African-American kids all from the inner city,
we got together and formed
what I like to call something special.
[all chant]
[Kevin] We made history back then.
Terrence Howard's character
was actually based off of my swim coach Jim Ellis.
[Ellis] Uh, it's a team,
and so everybody gives up their individual goals,
commits to one goal,
and that's how we achieve.
If you had to say the type of swimmer that I was,
what would you say as a coach?
What effort did I put forth in swimming?
You put 100% effort out. You put 100% effort out.
-Get the fuck out of here. -No!
[all laughing]
I used to work Thursday nights at the Laff House,
which was pretty much-- It was a standard show,
but I always allowed for open opportunities for new comics.
So later that night, this little short guy walks up to me.
He's like, "Yeah, I'm Kevin. Buck sent me."
And I'm like, "All right. You know, what you want me to say?"
"Just introduce me as Little Kev The Bastard."
And I said, "That's what you want me to say?"
Like, "That's the name you want me to use?"
He's like, "Yeah, yeah."
His open-mike night was basically amateur night,
where they held competitions.
He won it like six weeks straight,
just with his energy, with his ambition, with his aggression.
And just coming in there week to week
for a young comic with new material like Kev did,
it was something to see.
♪ Let's rock Where we headed? ♪
[Kevin] This is where I started doing comedy,
at the world-famous Laff House Comedy Club
in Philadelphia, P.A.
That's me at the age... That's 2002.
Uh, I feel like there should be a bigger wall here
with my face on it now.
So if I can have a wall built possibly here
that people kind of have to walk around, maybe.
Back at the Laff House in Philadelphia,
I once went past there from New York or whatever
to see who was young, on the scene, who was coming through.
And I seen Little Kev.
And I'm like, "Wow, this kid is pretty talented."
So I said, "Yeah, you're pretty good, man. You're pretty good.
You can come hang out with me, young fella.
I'm gonna take you to New York,
you know, to understand how things work."
We had a lot of adventures
driving from Philly to New York,
night after night.
Seven days out of the week, nonstop.
Back and forth, back and forth.
Put a lot of miles on my sweet Ford Focus.
We left Philly at about five o'clock in the afternoon.
And sometimes we'd leave New York
like at about 4:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning,
drive back there to Philly.
Keith Robinson was the guy that basically said,
"Hey, you're funny,
but you're not talking about nothin'."
He said, "You know, you're on stage and you're just--
You're doing what you think people want to see.
You know? But you don't have any substance."
He said, "Who are you?"
I'll never forget that when he asked me that.
He said, "Who are you?
When people leave, do they know you?"
Start with what it is that you know about yourself,
that's your strength.
You can't be afraid of the truth.
You know, if it happened, talk about it.
That is when he started to really piece together a great set,
because he started bringing in his personal life
and not being afraid to use it onstage.
[Kevin] People, this is where I used to live, right here.
West Erie Avenue. In here it was just, uh...
It was me, my brother and my mom.
So my mom kind of made that space work for her,
put us in this environment and did what she could.
You know, she made the best of our living situation.
She wanted me to stay away from the streets.
She didn't want me in the streets.
So, you know, I was kind of the guy with the mom...
I was a mama's boy coming up.
My dad didn't live here with me.
My dad was kicked out.
My mom kicked my dad out when I was like four, four and a half.
My dad was not allowed
to go past that step right there.
Coming up in Philly, he had to be thick-skinned,
'cause he's short.
And when you're short and, you know, a target,
he had to have quick response.
So a lot of his initial comedy
was snaps and retorts and coming back at people.
Right now we're walking. We're walking my block, you know?
This is the block that I used to walk through
day in, day out.
I'm here to connect with the people.
What up with you, pimp? How you?
-Hey, thank you, man. -Good work, man.
I appreciate you. What's up, baby?
Oh, bye, sweetie. Take it easy.
We're at my high school.
That's right. This is where my education came from.
This is where the brains...
This is where books and stuff was beat into my head.
This is why I'm the genius that I am today.
High school is when you become a man.
It's where I became a man. I'm talking first kiss.
I'm talking, uh, SATs.
I'm talking basketball.
I'm talking, uh, football tryouts.
You guys look at me and say,
"Oh, Kevin probably didn't play any sports."
Well, you're wrong. All I gotta do is find my name.
Give me a second. Give me a second,
'cause this is the showcase of champions.
Okay, I found it. Okay.
In the middle of those two.
That's obviously where I was.
Because you can tell it fell.
Somebody must've hit the glass so it came down.
'Cause I remember when they put it up.
Kev played four years of varsity basketball
here at George Washington High.
Did you hear what he said? Four years.
He didn't say two. He didn't say one.
That means ninth through twelfth.
And keep in mind, I grew. Right now I'm 5'5".
At the time I was like 5'3". [laughs]
I'll knock out five jump shots right now.
You'll get 'em. I mean, well, we'll see.
-I'll hit five in a row right now. -We'll see.
Hit me, Joe! Ha!
See that form right there, people? Foul.
Foul. That definitely was a foul.
[Kevin] Dave Attell, great comedian, sees me perform one day.
He said, "I'm gonna have my guy call you."
Only person I knew to talk to about this was Keith Robinson.
I said, "Keith, Dave Attell gave me his manager,
and he was like-- He said to call him."
So Keith's like, "Who is he?" I'm like, "Dave Becky."
He said, "Oh, that's the real deal."
My job really was to get him to Dave Becky,
to polish him up a little bit.
He sent me a tape. And we get tons of tapes.
And I think actually he's the only client I've ever signed off of a tape ever.
Years go by...
Like a year and a half goes by.
He's my manager. I'm getting better.
Dave says, "Kevin, we got action.
You're getting offers to get a deal."
I'm like, "Well, what kind of offers?"
And he said, "Okay, just don't--
Don't think that this is bad. It'll get better."
He says, "The first offer came in from CBS for $125,000."
"What?
What!"
I'm 20. "What? Whoa!
What-- Take it!"
"No, no, no, you don't take that. That offer is shit."
"What you mean that offer is shit?
I call you back!" I call Keith.
"Hey, man, I'm about to fire this guy.
He's about to turn down $125,000.
I don't have no fuckin' money, man.
I need that. I need that check tomorrow."
So Keith is like, "Stupid, let the man do his job."
Kevin has faith and he listens.
And you know, it's part of what I do is try to protect him
and get what he's worth.
[rap music playing]
Here in Philadelphia,
there's only one place you can go to get cheesesteaks.
Max's cheesesteaks on Broad and Erie.
Nothing compares.
[inaudible]
See, this is the love.
Just take a look around. You gotta pan around.
When you stay real, you stay genuine,
you get a genuine reception back.
From there to out here to all in the glass.
It's all genuine love, man. That's why I love my city.
There is no place like Philadelphia.
All right, everybody.
Who ordered cheesesteaks that's in here already?
[woman] We did right here.
All right, if y'all in here right now,
y'all's cheesesteaks is on me.
I'm gonna leave enough to cover everybody, and y'all tip, okay?
[man] Thank you very much.
Dude, this is me in my city,
doing what I do, givin', lovin',
receivin', bein' who I am.
Shimmy.
[upbeat music playing]
Y'all, I'm out. I love you all.
Take it easy. Oh, thank you.
Y'all take it easy. See y'all later.
I love Philadelphia!
[all cheering]
[Harry Ratchford] As a hard worker, he can go as far as he wants.
We're gonna make history.
I really admire the cat's, like, work ethic.
'Cause Kev is really, really working hard.
Hard work. He works very hard.
His work ethic.
That work ethic, it means everything.
And I really believe he has that.
It's hard to even put into words
how surreal and how proud I am of him.
[soft music playing]
This here... This here is my mom's sister.
Uh, as you all know, my mom passed away five years ago.
This is one of the important aunts right here.
Willie Mae is what I call her.
[Kevin] For me coming back right now,
honestly, it's to say thank you
for the upbringing.
Like, that's why I come back and I say, "Hey,
get everybody together for dinner.
Get everybody together to be around."
It's to literally say, "I owe y'all."
Like, I'm the man that I am today
because of y'all.
It's not even emotional,
and I don't want to get too sentimental,
but without Mom being here, this is it.
Like, this--
This is Mom 2, Mom 3,
Mom 4, cousin.
And I don't see y'all. Y'all don't understand.
[woman] Let it out.
I am where I am because of y'all.
And that's me being honest.
Tenfold, hands over fists.
[woman] We love you.
And I mean it.
[all] Aww!
[Kevin] Aw, it's a good moment.
[laughter]
All right.
That's a lifetime moment right there.
[Kevin] When you hear the title, "Laugh At My Pain,"
it's real. It's not a joke. You know, it's serious.
And the jokes that you're about to hear come from a real place.
And in that real place, it was a hurt place, you know?
Uh, I'm just now at a point where
I'm ready for people to see that side.
And I think they're going to enjoy that side when they see it.
-[applause] -[heart beating]
♪ Everybody stand up... ♪
[hip-hop music playing]
♪ I've been on the top For a minute ♪
♪ So no wonder Why it's cool ♪
♪ I'm the dude That they hatin' on ♪
♪ But, homie, you can't And haters just won't ♪
♪ Let me continue Doin' me ♪
♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪
♪ I flow like H20 From Mexico, Tijuana ♪
♪ My styles break ground Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪
♪ Been carvin' out The Amazon Starvin' like piranhas ♪
♪ People asking questions But I ain't the Dalai Lama ♪
♪ Although my rhymes Do make your mind feel Like nirvana ♪
♪ People love to hate me They call me a prima donna ♪
♪ I can make love And hate mate ♪
♪ And make a saint Out of Madonna ♪
♪ I'm just doin' me, Yeah, neo Da Vinci... ♪
I know y'all can do better than that.
Make some fucking noise, L.A.
Yeah, cut it out. Cut it out.
Whoa!
[loud cheering]
God damn, y'all look good in here. I can't even front.
Y'all look good.
Give y'all selves another round of applause, man.
Y'all look fucking good.
[applause]
Now before we get started, I feel like I gotta be honest.
You know, I don't like to lie while I'm up here on stage,
coming out to the big applause, y'all standing up.
A piece of me likes it. A small piece of me likes it.
Another piece of me doesn't. I'm gonna tell you why, okay?
Here's the thing.
I feel like that's the type of shit that makes people go crazy.
That's how you lose your mind. You come out,
people are standing up,
girls calling your name. "Oh, my God, no!
Kevin, oh, my goodness, no!"
I don't like that shit. I'm afraid to go crazy, man.
That's why I humble myself. I stay in my lane, people.
I stay in my financial lane.
Now let me explain what I mean when I say this, okay?
Here's what I mean when I say "financial lane."
Here's what happens. You start to make money.
When you make money, you meet other people that make money.
When you meet other people that make money,
you want to hang out with these people.
But naturally, you want to spend money the way that they spend money,
but then you realize that you don't make
the same type of money that these fucking people make.
It's very true. That's why you've gotta stay in your lane.
All right? Certain people I don't hang out with.
Athletes? I don't hang out with athletes.
I used to. I stopped. Let me tell you why I stopped.
Athletes don't respect money. How do I know this?
From experiences. This is not a joke. This is a true story.
I'm in Vegas with an athlete friend of mine.
Keep in mind he's doing a lot better than me in life, okay?
Naturally I want to keep up with him.
So before we go out, he said,
"Kev, don't worry about nothing. I got you. Everything is on me."
I said, "Hey, bitch, I'm a man. I'll pay for my fucking self."
Okay? So we go out,
he get a table. I got a table.
He got bottles, I got bottles.
He had bitches come to the table.
I didn't have no bitches. I had my aunt.
My aunt was with me. I'm not gonna call my aunt no bitch.
I love her too much.
But regardless, we're having a good time, okay?
I'm not gonna lie. I got the bill,
I didn't like it.
Uh, you ever get a bill so high,
you're trying to put it in the light like it's gonna change?
"Hold on, wait a minute. Hold on. Okay."
But I can't bitch about the bill.
Reason why I can't bitch about the bill,
'cause he didn't bitch about the bill.
So there's just no way. I start talking to myself.
I say, "Kev, just pay the bill. Pay it!"
So that's what I did. I paid the bill.
I go to my room. I go to sleep.
Here's why I don't mess with athletes.
The next morning, I wake up. My boy that I was with, he called me.
He said, "Kev, yo, last night was crazy, wasn't it?"
I said, "Man, I had a ball." He said, "well, guess what?
We gonna do the same shit again tonight."
I said, "I'm not gonna do it. I can't do it two nights in a row.
Because the way that my bank account is set up..."
You ever start explaining your financial situation
for no reason at all?
I said, "I would, but the way my bank account is set up,
the thing is, I got a checking and a savings.
But all the money is in my savings,
so I gotta switch it to my checking,
but it's gonna take three business days.
I don't think it's gonna go through.
I don't think it's gonna go through."
Athletes will mess your life up, man.
They will. I'm telling you, I know this from experience.
Dwyane Wade, that's a good friend of mine.
I love Dwyane to death. Here's the thing.
I can't hang out with Dwyane no more. I'll tell you why.
Dwyane tried to fuck my life up.
He did! Dwyane tried to make me buy a boat.
I don't even have a fucking house.
I said, "Hey, man,
I don't think this is a good investment."
He said, "Stop being a bitch. You got it. Ball out."
I said, "No, no, no, I would, but here's the thing.
The way my bank account is set up, the thing is...
I got a checking and a savings,
but all the money is in my savings. So I gotta switch it.
It's gonna take too long. The boat might not be there when I get back."
You can't hang out with everybody.
I'll be honest, another problem of mine,
I got too many financial fears.
I get scared fast.
Say my biggest fear when it comes to finances, my biggest fear
is my credit card getting declined in front of people.
I'm gonna tell you why. Here's the thing.
It's not that I'm scared of my card getting declined.
I just don't like it when you announce it.
Like, "Bitch, tell me. It's my card."
Don't put on a show. Don't come out like,
"Mr. Hart, uh-uh, didn't go through.
I tried it three times. I even wiped it on my pants."
"Bitch, gimme the card. Don't say all that.
They don't need to know what you tried to do to make it happen.
Gimme the goddamn card before I punch you in the fucking throat, lady."
I'm not gonna do this. It's too much.
Too much.
I remember one time I got scared
because I thought my card wasn't going to go through
so I cut the waitress off before she even said anything.
-"Mr. Hart--" -"Ah!
Come here. Let me talk to you.
No, come on this side. Let me tell you something.
Listen, the way my bank account is set up, the thing is
I got a checking and a savings,
but all the money is in my savings.
So I don't think it's gonna go through. Just give me a second."
You can't hang with everybody, man.
Like right now, we star-studded tonight.
Celebrities all over the place.
I don't fuck with y'all no more. I used to.
I stopped. I don't hang with celebrities no more.
I'll be honest with you.
Celebrities will mess up your life too.
Celebrities give you reality checks.
How do I know this? From experience, people.
Mekhi Phifer, another good friend of mine.
I love Mekhi to death, okay?
This is when I knew I wasn't making real money.
Mekhi calls me. He says "Yo, Kev.
Hey, my son's birthday party is Saturday.
Your daughter the same age. I want you to come to the party."
I said, "Okay. Where's the party at?"
He said, "Disneyland." I said, "Done deal. I'm there."
I get to Disneyland. Him and his son are out front. They're holding hands.
I don't see nobody else at the park.
I said, "Hey, uh...
I thought you said that it was, you know, it was a birthday party?
I don't see nobody else at the park. What's going on?"
He said, "No, no, dude. Here's the thing. It's just us.
I bought the park out for like eight hours. We got it to ourselves."
I said, "Wait a minute.
What the fuck do you mean you bought the park out for eight hours?"
He said, "It's just us. We can do what we want."
I said, "Okay, real quick before I go in.
Did you pay for this already or are you looking for help?
Because I'm not in a position where I can help you.
Because the way that my bank account is set up, the thing is,
I got a checking and a savings,
but all my money is in the savings.
I don't think my card is going to go through,
unless you got jeans on because you gotta wipe it off."
You can't hang with everybody, man. Stay in your lane.
Stay in your financial lane.
I'm not gonna lie, we went in the park.
I ain't gonna lie to you. Me and my daughter, we had a great time.
We got on rides five or six times in a row.
Now, there was a point in time when we was in the park
where I lost my daughter.
I didn't know where she was.
But I didn't panic when I lost her. The reason why
is because we were the only ones in the park.
I knew eventually I would run into her again.
So, I took that time to get on rides that she couldn't get on.
'Cause she's only five, so she can't do everything.
When I saw her, she was crying.
I was like, "Come on, don't be a bitch. Like, don't act like that."
That's what I said! I said that.
"It's not your birthday. Today is not about you.
Stop bitching.
Let's get on some more rides. Let's go."
We got on some more rides. We had a good time. We left.
I said, "Baby, did you have a good time?"
She said, "Dad, I had so much fun."
I said, "Good. I had fun too."
Now here's when reality hit.
Let's fast-forward three months later.
Three months later, it's my daughter's birthday.
I throw my daughter a party at the house
in the backyard like a normal fucking parent, okay?
But don't get me wrong. I tried to go above and beyond.
I really did. I had SpongeBob there,
which is a big deal.
Um, I had a pony.
Kids could get on the pony,
walk around the yard one time and get off.
Uh, I had a bouncer. Kids get in the bouncer, jump around.
Shit was nice. It was going good.
Here's where it got bad. Me and SpongeBob got into it.
I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off
and he was smoking cigarettes in front of the kids.
I was like, "SpongeBob,
don't take the helmet off, don't smoke no cigarettes
in front of the fucking kids, okay?
My kids think that you're really SpongeBob.
SpongeBob on TV don't take his face off
and show a black-ass face underneath it
and start smoking fucking cigarettes.
What the hell makes you think that you can?"
Now when I get mad, I get physical. I get hyped.
So I said, "Put the motherfucking helmet on,
and put the goddamn cigarettes up, man.
You don't be smoking those cigarettes out here
in front of the fucking kids.
Put the goddamn helmet on and put the fucking cigarettes up
before shit get real out here."
I was going off. Shit was real.
Here's the thing that made it bad.
Nobody told me that SpongeBob was fresh out.
This nigga was fresh out of jail.
Here's how I found out. He snapped on me.
He said, "Hey, man, shut the fuck up.
Fuck you and these ugly-ass kids."
I said, "Well, goddamn."
He said, "I just got out of jail for aggravated assault.
I'm here to get a check. Once I get my check, I'm out.
I don't give a fuck about these kids."
I'm such a bitch, when I heard "jail,"
my whole attitude changed.
As soon as I heard "jail," this is what I said, I said,
"No, you're not listening. No, I don't--
I'm not saying that you can't smoke. You can smoke.
I'm saying just don't blow it in their face.
That's all I'm saying. Blow it up.
Give 'em a chance to not have cancer is what I'm saying.
I get it. You're stressed out. You want to smoke.
Shit, gimme one. I'll smoke it with you.
I don't give a fuck about these kids."
I was so scared of SpongeBob.
You know why? It was like...
I didn't like the way SpongeBob was playing with the kids.
Understand something, people.
If you get a character
to be at a kid's birthday party,
you want to see that character
be that character, okay?
If I get Barney to be at my kid's party,
I want to see Barney do some Barney shit.
Slide around, you know? Hug the kids, sing a song,
do the faces, make it look real.
If I get Spider-Man, do some Spider-Man shit.
Jump down the steps, do this shit in my son's face.
Don't nothing gotta come out. Just scare the shit outta him.
Make him think it's real.
SpongeBob didn't do shit.
Let me show you all how SpongeBob was playing with the kids.
I look out the backyard window.
I just want to check on the kids, right?
I'm making sure everything's okay.
I swear to you, I cannot make this up.
This is how SpongeBob was running after the kids. This was all I saw.
[weak growl]
[laughing]
"Go, little bitch. Go, little bitch, go. Ha ha!
Go. Hey, bitch, you'd better bitch-run."
He was calling the kids "bitches."
Come on, SpongeBob.
He wasn't playing none of the games right.
He was playing "duck-duck nigga" with the kids.
He never said "goose." He never said the word "goose."
"Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Nigga! Go!"
This little white boy was like,
"No, no, I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna run. Nope, nope.
'Cause if I run,
everybody's gonna look at me like I said it
and I didn't say it. I don't--
I'm not gonna take responsibility. No, I didn't say it."
That party was bad.
I'm gonna tell you what else was bad at the party.
The bouncer.
I don't recommend anybody to ever get a bouncer
at a kid's birthday party. I'm gonna tell you why.
Me, personally, I don't think it's safe. I really don't.
The reason why, here's why I don't think it's safe.
If a kid falls in the bouncer, no other kid gives a shit.
Like nothing stops. Kids don't care.
Like, literally, this little girl fell in the bouncer,
I swear to y'all
I saw every boy in there step on this girl's face.
'Cause you know, when kids be hyper on that cake,
there's an, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."
This little boy was like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."
The little girl started crying.
She was like, "No!" [mimics crying]
But she was looking right at me.
I said, "You better roll out. Roll out.
I'm the same size as you. I'm not getting in there.
I'm gonna get exactly what you got.
I got little legs. I can't walk in that shit."
You ever try to walk in a bouncer?
"Hey! Hey!
Hey! Y'all better sto--
Hey, let a motherfucker jump again, I swear to God.
If I fall, I'm gonna punch the kid in the face."
You look like Bambi walking in that shit.
The party was bad, man. I felt bad.
I said I messed up my daughter's day.
She just turned five and that's a big birthday for kids.
Now why did I feel bad?
I got in an argument with SpongeBob in front of her friends.
Little girl got carried out in an ambulance,
footprints and shit were on her face.
I said, "You know what? I gotta do something nice. I gotta make it up to her.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get my baby a puppy."
My baby was asking me for a puppy for the longest time,
I never got her one. The reason why?
I'm afraid of dogs. I don't like dogs.
I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
But I said I can't deprive my daughter of a childhood experience
because of my fears.
So I called my friend.
My friend breeds Pit bulls.
Now keep in mind, before you say anything,
at the time I did not know what these dogs were capable of.
So I said, "Hey, man, my daughter wants a puppy.
Let her come over and pick out a puppy."
He said, "Cool."
My daughter gets there, and he comes downstairs with a little puppy Pit,
a little dog in his hand.
My daughter sees it, she goes off because she's emotional.
Everything is always over the top.
She saw the dog, she was like, "Argh!
Dad, I just want to love it with all my heart."
I said, "Okay, come here. Sit down.
In here, talking like you in Gone With the Wind.
Sit the fuck down."
I said, "Baby, you want the puppy,
Daddy gonna get you the puppy."
The reason why? 'Cause I held the puppy.
Let me tell you how stupid I am.
The reason why I bought the dog
was because the dog smelled my palm and he licked it.
So, in my mind, he familiarized himself with me.
He knew me. He was my friend.
He's never gonna attack me 'cause he smelled my palm.
He knows how I smell. I'm safe forever.
That's how I think.
Now I bought the dog when he was this big.
I left for three months. I came back to the house.
I swear to God, the dog was the same size as me.
I've never seen a dog grow this fast.
Do you know how scary it is to live with a dog that you're afraid of?
I gotta announce myself in every room I go in in my house.
"Hey!
Is he in here?
Smell my palm, remember? You remember that day?
When you were a baby?
'I just want to love you with all my heart,'
remember when I said that?"
I can't even give the dog orders.
Like I've been trying to tell the dog what to do.
I start bitching out. I give him options.
Everything starts off tough though.
Everything starts off tough.
"Hey! Get the fuck off the couch."
Grrr!
"Or come here. Let me show you something else.
Come here. You wanna sit right there?
Smell my palm, remember?
I just want to love you with all my heart."
I'm gonna tell you something about me though.
Here's why I put myself in these situations, okay?
I try to go above and beyond for my kids.
The reason why,
I don't want to make the same mistakes that my dad made.
My dad did a lot of dumb shit when I was a kid.
The reason why, my dad was on drugs.
I have no problem with being honest.
It's the truth. Now, when I say "drugs," people,
I'm not talking about the soft stuff.
I'm talking about cocaine. That's right.
Smack, booger sugar, white girl.
They got tons of names for it.
Now when you first hear it, you're like, "What?
Your dad was on drugs? That's crazy."
It's not that bad. I'ma tell you why.
There's pros and cons to growing up with a cokehead.
One of the pros is,
there's no such thing as a bad idea to a cokehead.
Everything is the shit.
That's why cokeheads always dance. You ever notice that?
No matter what you say to a cokehead...
All cokeheads hula hoop. I don't know why.
Now one of the cons... One of the cons is...
When you get high, you do dumb shit.
I'ma tell you why I'm afraid of dogs. All right?
My dad... When I was a kid,
just like my daughter, I wanted a puppy.
My dad never got me a puppy.
One day my dad got high as shit.
He came home, he said, "Look, boy,
you've been asking me about this damn puppy.
I went out, I bought you a puppy."
I'm a kid, so I'm excited.
I was like, "Where's it at?"
He said it was on the porch. I go run out on the porch.
It was a full-grown German Shepherd walking back and forth.
This nigga stole a police dog, okay?
I know it was a police dog
because he had "K9" on his vest. I saw it.
"At least take the vest off the dog, Dad."
The dog is still on goddamn duty.
He didn't even let the dog finish the job.
Drugs make you do dumb shit, man.
The stupidest thing my dad ever did when he was on drugs, right?
When I was a kid,
I remember my dad came to parent-teacher conference.
That's when you go to your kid's school, talk to their teachers,
see how they're doing in school.
My dad shows up with sweatpants on with no drawers.
His nigga dick was all over the place, okay?
Listen, I cannot make this up.
Let me show y'all how my dad walked into my school.
This is all I saw.
"Hey, Kevin!"
[muttering]
Every time he stopped, his dick kept moving. "Excuse me!"
I could hear little girls like, "Ew!
Ew."
My dad got mad. "What the fuck is you illin' about?
You ain't never seen nobody with a long dick?"
"Hey, Dad, don't say that."
"You gonna learn today.
You gonna learn what a long dick look like today."
"No, Dad, she don't need to learn that. Please."
Yo, my dad was crazy. My dad was really crazy, man.
See, my dad was mad at me because I wasn't an athlete.
I didn't play sports.
I was into weird shit like spelling bees and debates.
Now here's the thing. My dad would show up to my events
and treat them as if they were athletic events.
First of all, you can't cheer for no kid at a spelling bee.
It's a spelling bee. It's quiet. I'm focused.
I'm in the middle of spelling a very difficult word.
My dad shows up late, busts through the back door,
high as hell, making cokehead noises, all right?
Once again, I cannot make this up.
This is all I heard.
I'm in the middle of spelling some shit.
Out of nowhere, all I heard was,
"All right, all right, all right!
Yeah!
My son's spelling the shit out of these motherfucking words.
In your face, bitch! In your face!
All right, all right, all right!"
Shit that made me laugh the most...
You see how y'all sitting next to people.
I told you my dad never wore drawers ever.
This is my dad getting to his seat. This is all I saw.
"Excuse me."
I could hear people like, "Oh, God, Jesus, oh."
"What is it?" "I don't know. I don't know what it is.
Whatever it is, it's loose. It's all over the place.
It's gotta be a penis. I don't know what else it could be."
My dad got mad. "That ain't no penis. That's a long dick!"
"Hey, Dad, don't say that."
"All right, all right, all right!
You gonna learn today.
You gonna learn what a long dick look like today.
Hey, son, let me hear you spell 'long dick.'"
"No, Dad, I can't. It's against the rules."
"L-o-dick!"
"No, Dad."
"All right, all right, all right!"
This nigga had his dog with him.
[mimics barking]
"No, Dad." The dog is on drugs too.
"Dad, please."
My goal is at the end of the show
is to have all y'all saying that shit for no reason at all.
For no reason at all.
Next time your lady say something to you, just cut her off.
It don't matter what she says.
"Hey, babe--" "Shut up, bitch!
All right, all right, all right!
I'll make you suck on this long dick.
You gonna learn today. You gonna learn today.
All right, all right, all right."
You gotta do the walk when you do it. Do the walk away.
"All right, all right, all right!"
You gotta do the bobble head. "All right, all right, all right!"
"Shut up, bitch!
You gonna learn today."
My dad did a lot of stupid shit, man.
See, here's the thing. I'm so happy that I was young when my dad was on drugs.
The reason why I say that is because when you're young, you're naive.
I didn't want to believe it.
Everybody else knew my dad was on drugs, except me.
I didn't never want to fucking believe it.
People would tease me, I would just get emotional.
I would get mad fast.
The person who teased me the most was my own brother.
He would always talk shit. "Kev, Dad ain't never coming home
because Dad is on that shit, man."
"You better shut up.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Dad went back to college. You don't even know.
You don't even know where he is. He's in college."
My message to y'all is don't ignore the signs, okay?
If you think somebody in your family is on drugs,
do not ignore the signs.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
I'll never forget this shit. It was my birthday.
My grandma gave me a birthday card, I opened it up,
$20 fell out. When the $20 fell out, my dad stepped on it.
[grunts]
I'm waiting for the joke to be over.
This nigga's trying to slide out.
"All right, all right--"
"Hey, give me the goddamn $20, Dad.
I saw you step on the shit."
That's my dad though.
The person who had no patience for this was my mom.
My mom had no patience at all.
My mom found out my dad was on drugs,
she got mad, snapped on him, went off.
My dad came home,
she kicked my dad outta the house.
Said, "You know what? That's it!
I'm sick of this shit.
You're not gonna live in my house and be on no damn drugs.
You hear me? That's it.
You're not welcome here.
Don't come back to this house.
You can come by, you can say hi to the kids,
but don't bring your ass
past the second step on the stoop, do you hear me?
Don't come past the second goddamn step on the stoop."
My mom turned my dad into the definition of a true stepdad.
Like when I say my dad cannot come past the second step,
I'm not bullshitting.
But what made me laugh is he would still be tough about it.
He'll come get us, but he'll talk shit.
He was like, "Hey, Nance, tell the boys I'm here.
Tell them to come outside." My mom got mad.
She was like, "Don't you bring your ass past the second step!"
"Bitch, I don't want to come past the second step!"
Shit that made me laugh, no matter how mad he got,
his legs never moved.
"Bitch, I don't want to come
past the goddamn second step, bitch!"
This nigga did the hula hoop for no reason.
"Dad, why you hula hooping?
It's too much, Dad. That's too much."
That's my dad though.
My dad almost killed me one time.
When I was younger, I couldn't swim.
I didn't know how. My dad didn't believe me.
This nigga argued me down.
We had a pool. I'm sitting on the side of the pool.
I got my feet in the water. [humming]
I'm playing. I'm having a good time.
My dad said, "Boy, you'd better stop playing.
Get in that water and swim."
I said, "Dad, I can't. I don't know how to swim."
He said, "You know how to fucking swim.
Get in that goddamn water and swim."
"No, Dad, I'm serious.
Nobody ever taught me how to swim."
My dad picked me up, grabbed me and threw me in seven feet.
As soon as I hit the water, I started to die immediately.
[shrieking]
This is why my dad's an asshole.
This is what my dad said,
"Hey, you better not fucking drown!"
I said, "What?
I don't know how to stop it."
When I tell you that was the most
uncomfortable ride home
I've ever had with my dad in my life,
keep in mind I almost died.
Whenever you come close to death,
you become traumatized.
Hard to get that shit out of your head.
I kept having flashbacks. We're in the car.
We're driving home.
I'm looking out the passenger window.
I kept replaying that shit over and over again.
I was like, "No. No!
No, don't let me go, Dad. Don't let me go!"
Every once in a while I would look at him.
[whimpers] "Why don't you believe me?
I told you I couldn't-- I don't know why."
Don't make me laugh right now.
This is exactly what my dad said to me.
This is how my dad tried to make me feel better.
This is exactly what he said. Look.
Don't make me laugh. This is exactly what he did.
He was driving, right? He's like--
"I almost lost you today, didn't I?"
What?
What the fuck does that mean, man?
He's my dad though.
I know you guys hear all the stuff that you hear
and you guys are like, "wow, Kevin, that's messed up.
It probably doesn't get any worse than that."
Well, you're wrong. It does.
Uh, let me tell you the worst person in my family.
The worst person in my family is my Cousin Al
and I'll tell you why.
My Cousin Al was on drugs too, but unlike my dad
Al found Jesus.
See, but Al's one of those people that found Jesus
and now that he found Jesus, he tries to throw Jesus on everybody.
You ever meet somebody like that?
For no reason at all they throw religion at you.
You did nothing to deserve this conversation.
No matter what you say, they bring up religion.
"Hey, good morning, Al."
"It is a good morning because Jesus woke us up.
Hello, boom. I love him. Do you?"
"What?
What the fuck does that have to do with anything, man?
I'm trying to play basketball.
This ain't got shit to do with nothing."
Al got mad at me because I live in L.A.
He said, "Kevin, you out here in Hollywood
doing God knows what.
Sex? Drugs?
Money? Lord knows what you're into.
You need to get a relationship with God."
I said, "Don't talk to me about God. I'm fine, okay?
You the one who's on drugs.
You get a relationship with God."
He got mad. Now anytime he get mad,
he always gotta bring up some dark shit from his past
that nobody needs to know.
Outta nowhere he says,
"Kevin, let me tell you something. I know I was on drugs,
but I found Jesus.
Granted I didn't know him
when I was out there sucking dick for money,
but I'll tell you something..."
I said, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Who-- Wait-- First of all,
you're not gonna speed past that
like you didn't just say what you just said."
I said, "What was this? What year was this?
He said, "It was in the '80s. Everybody was doing it."
This is the shit that pissed me off. He said,
"Your dad was back there with me."
I said, "What?"
My dad was like, "All right, all right, all right.
Hey, you gonna learn today."
"Uh, no the fuck I'm not.
You gonna keep that lesson to yourself."
I told my dad to go get one cup
and put your name on it. "That is your cup.
Ain't gonna drink out of another goddamn glass in this house.
That's it for you."
[chuckles]
Al...
Al was a different ballgame, man.
Al single-handedly destroyed my mom's funeral.
Al... Here's the thing.
First of all, I'm gonna be honest with y'all.
My mom passed away five years ago, okay?
Now, my mom died from cancer.
At the time, was it difficult? Yes.
But me and my brother, we got through it.
We knew it was coming, so we prepped ourselves.
We're at the funeral, funeral's almost over.
Pastor gets up, he says,
"Would anybody like to say any words
on Nancy's behalf?"
It's quiet. Nobody says nothing.
All of a sudden, my Cousin Al gets up.
He said, "I got something I need to say."
You can hear everybody in my family suck their teeth.
"Shit. God damn it. Shit!"
I cannot make this up.
This is the speech that my cousin gave
at my mom's funeral, word for word.
He comes to the podium, he said, "Uh...
Uh...
Before I say anything,
I just wanna start off by saying
God is good all the time."
Now when people say that,
in return, you're supposed to say,
"And all the time, God is good."
Nobody said nothing. Listen.
Look. When I say it again, just be quiet.
Don't nobody say shit.
I wanna show y'all how mad he got.
Don't make me laugh. Just be quiet, okay?
I wanna show you how fucking mad he got.
All right, don't make me laugh. Stop.
Exactly what he said. He said, "Uh...
Uh...
Before I say anything,
I just wanna start off by saying
God is good all the time.
Oh, don't nobody know what the fuck
they supposed to say back to Jesus?
Say shit back to Jesus!"
Look, my grandma got scared.
She was like, "God is good all the time."
She started messing it up. "God is good all the time.
Sometimes He's not. I don't say nothing about it.
I just...
Take me, Jesus." [moans]
Look, my grandmom is the king of fake pass-outs.
She'll pass out for three seconds, wait,
and then peek to see if anybody looking.
"Take me, Jesus." [moans]
"Grandma, I saw you. Come on, get up.
Get your ass up.
Get your old faking ass up, Grandma.
You didn't pass out."
Here's the rest of the speech.
Word for word, it's the rest of the speech.
He goes, "Uh...
Before Nancy died,
she owed me $53 and some change.
Now, Kevin, real quick, how does that work?
Does that roll over to you? Do I get it from you?
Whatever. We'll figure it out. We'll talk about it.
Uh...
Life is funny, ain't it?
Sometimes when people die, you gotta laugh.
Ha-ha-ha, hey!
Love you, Nance. Peace!"
This nigga walked off like it was a concert.
We was like, "What the fuck? Wait a minute!"
Now before y'all judge my family,
lemme tell you how crazy this funeral got, okay?
First of all, all our families are crazy.
We just come in different races, shapes and sizes.
Now at any funeral you go to,
there's always one person at the funeral
that's there to avenge the death of whoever died.
They want payback.
That person was my Uncle Richard Jr., okay?
Now, all my real Kevin Hart fans
know who my Uncle Richard Jr. is.
For those who don't know, "Say it with your chest."
That's my Uncle Richard Jr., all right?
Now, like I said,
my mom died from cancer.
Everybody knows this except my Uncle Richard Jr.
Funeral's over.
Everybody's outside. They're consoling one another.
It's a real emotional time. I'm talking,
my uncle comes up, taps me on the back.
He said, "Kevin, I just wanna let you know
whoever did this is gonna die tonight."
"Excuse me? What do you mean? What are you saying?"
"I'm just trying to tell you I'm about to peel
this motherfucker's muffin cap back blue tonight, nigga!"
I said, "Unc, cancer did it. It was cancer."
He said, "Well, you tell cancer I'm looking for him.
And when I find him, I'ma shoot him in the face.
Twice! Me! By myself!
One gun, one bullet,
all day, every day.
Wake up, go back to sleep,
take a nap.
You ready to go night-night, nigga?
You about to go night-night, nigga!
Everybody go night-night, nigga!"
I said, "Okay." I said, "I can't.
I can't do this. I can't."
I said, "Unc, you go tell him by yourself.
I can't."
The reason why I couldn't,
it was time for me to be a pallbearer, okay?
Now here's the thing.
It was time for me to go be a pallbearer.
I had to go pick up the casket,
we had to carry the casket down the aisle,
put the casket in the hearse.
Now I've never been a pallbearer before.
I've been offered several pallbearer positions
but I turned 'em all down.
The reason why I turned them down,
I'm small. I've got little arms.
My biggest fear is that you're gonna put me
next to somebody that's tall with long arms.
I gotta make up for the space.
I gotta hold the casket up here.
I fuck around, get tired, my arm starts shaking, I drop it.
Everybody look at me like, "Why you drop it?"
I'm like, "I never had it." "Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't. I thought we was gonna pick it up on three.
Nobody counted. Y'all just assumed I had it.
I didn't have it. My hand hurt.
I thought it was gonna bleed. Whatever."
I don't wanna be in that situation.
But for this time, I don't have a choice.
It's my mom. It's my mom's funeral, so I have to do it.
So I'm on the right side, I've got the casket over here.
My brother's on the left side, he's got the casket over there.
Keep in mind it's my mother and it's her funeral,
so I'm emotional. I'm crying. I'm a mess.
"No!" [crying]
"No! She-- She wasn't ready!
She wasn't ready!"
So this is why my dad's an asshole.
My dad seen me crying. My dad stood up,
punched me in the back of the head.
"Stop being a bitch! Man up! She gone."
I said, "Nigga, that's it, man! Fuck this shit, man!"
I forgot. I forgot where I was.
I threw the casket.
When I threw it, my Cousin Al stood up.
He was like, "It should've been me, Lord!
I was the one sucking dick for money!"
My dad was like, "All right, all right, all right.
Hey, you gonna learn today."
"Shut the fuck up, Dad."
My grandmom passed out. "Sucking dick?" [moans]
"Grandma, get-- You're peeking. Grandma.
Somebody get Grandma's ass out of the church.
Lying in front of God."
Now I talk about my dad a lot,
but understand something, people, I love my dad to death.
I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for my dad.
To be honest with y'all, I'm just like my dad,
I just don't do drugs. I got my dad's temper.
I know I do. That's why I'm going through a divorce now.
When I get mad, I don't argue no more. I fucking leave.
That's how I handle shit. Now I'm not spiteful like my dad.
My dad is very spiteful. When my dad gets mad...
I remember him and my mom would argue, right?
No matter what he bought in the house,
he would take with him when he left.
I don't give a fuck what it was.
If you were cooking a steak in the pan
and my dad bought it, when he left,
"Bitch, get the goddamn steak out of the pan."
"What we gonna eat?" "Bitch, put the steak in my hand.
I'm ready to go."
She would put a hot steak in his hand.
"Fuck! Bitch, put it in a bag."
He was fucking crazy.
I remember my dad took all the Christmas lights
off the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve.
Do you know how-- Listen.
Do you know how mad you gotta be to take
the Christmas lights off the goddamn Christmas tree?
Do you know how long it take
to take the Christmas lights off the fucking Christmas tree?
And to keep an attitude that whole time?
"Yup, y'all done fucked up today. Too late.
Too late.
It's gonna be a dark Christmas in this bitch,
I'll bet you that.
Ain't nobody gonna see shit in this house.
How many sets of lights I put on this goddamn Christmas tree?"
[laughs] My dad was fucking crazy.
Now I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
When I left, I did take some stuff.
See, but I took stuff that she didn't realize
was important until it was gone.
Like when I left, I took all the backs to her earrings.
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, I don't want the earrings. I just want the backs.
You can put 'em on, but you're gonna fucking lose 'em,
'cause I got the backs.
I suggest you go buy a pack of pencils
and get popping with those erasers, bitch.
I got the goddamn backs, okay?
That's the thing, fellas, you gotta hit 'em low.
Gotta take stuff they don't realize is important.
I'll tell you what else I took.
I took the headboard to the bed.
Now I know when I say that, a lot of y'all are like,
"Kevin, why would you take the headboard to the bed?"
I'll tell you why. The headboard to the bed
is very important to a man.
That's what motivates us during sex.
Ladies, it's not you, it's not the noises that you make.
It's the fucking headboard, this sound right here.
[thudding]
That's motivation.
That's the motivation. If you don't believe me,
next time you're having sex with your man
and you hear the headboard, look at your man's face.
I'll bet you any amount of money
his face matches the sound of the fucking headboard.
Bet money.
[thudding]
It all goes together.
That's what we do.
I'm just telling you what I know.
Now I'm not a hypocrite, people.
I'm not gonna make it seem like
my relationship didn't work out
and it's all her fault. I'll take responsibility.
I'm not the same man that I used to be.
I fell off in some areas. I can admit that.
Sexually, I fell off. I don't know what happened.
One day I woke up, shit was different.
My moves was gone. I was just bad.
I'm being honest. I don't care. My dirty talk changed too.
Here's the thing with talking dirty...
I can say dirty shit. I just don't like it when you say stuff back.
'Cause when you say stuff back, then I gotta say something back
to what you just said. It's too much. Shut up.
Just lemme say what I gotta say.
It's too fucking much. That's the worst.
Fellas, you ever say some real good shit to a girl
and she say something back too quick,
you don't got no response for it?
I ain't the only man here that's been stumped.
Every man here has been stumped.
We say some good shit...
"Yeah, you like this dick, don't you?"
"Oh! What I like about it?"
"I don't know. I didn't expect you to say what you said
when you said it. I thought--
I thought you were gonna let me keep going,
'cause I had some other stuff I wanted to say,
so let's just stop.
I wanna write some stuff down so I can--
It's no big deal. Whatever."
I'm weird when it comes to sex, man.
I get uncomfortable very fast. I really do.
I'm not lying to y'all. But here's the thing.
I don't bite my tongue.
When I'm uncomfortable, I'm gonna tell you.
I am. I've done it several times.
That's why I use safety words.
For those who do not know what safety words are,
safety words are the words that you use to let a woman know
that you're not comfortable with what's going on.
My safety word is pineapples. That's my word.
Pineapples. The reason why I use pineapples
is I don't like saying shit like, "Stop. Get the fuck off me.
Let me go. I don't like it." It makes me look like a bitch.
Pineapples, different. I told you what it is.
We both understand the meaning of the word.
Now here's an example of how you use it.
This is when I don't feel comfortable.
I don't like it if a woman's riding me,
but she makes my whole body move.
I don't think no man
should ever do this shit right here.
Shaq's big ass probably got some shit like that.
[moans]
"Oh, shit."
"I don't like it. Pineapples. It hurts. I don't wanna do it."
It fucking hurts.
You know why I don't like that shit?
I'm gonna tell you my biggest fear.
My biggest fear is a girl making a headboard rock on me.
As a man, what do you do when you hear that shit?
You hear that...
And you look up, she all aggressive.
"Pineapples, bitch. That's it, get up. No.
Not today. Not about to fuck the shit out of me
like I'm a little-ass boy. That's it.
So you can see me on the street and talk shit."
"I fucked the shit out of that little ass nigga last night.
Him! You, bitch.
I fucked the shit out of you last night, what?"
I said pineapples six times.
This bitch ignored me every time.
[laughs] There's a lot of stuff I don't like.
Ladies, I don't like it
when you get nasty too fast. Here's the thing.
If you nasty, ladies, and you know you nasty,
baby-step me into your nasty world.
Don't just assume that because I'm a man I'm nasty too.
It's our first time having sex.
First time we're having sex, you come out of the bathroom,
"Ooh! I'm ready! Ah! Mmm!"
"Pineapples. I don't--
I don't wanna do it.
Pineapples!"
[crying] "I wanna go home.
I don't wanna--
[screams] I wanna go home!
What are you--
What did you put in your mouth?
What was that? You didn't chew anything.
I don't-- You just started-- I don't like it. Pineapples.
I don't like it."
I'll tell you what else I don't like.
Ladies, I don't like it when you take my underwear off.
I'm grown. I can do it myself.
Don't treat me like no fucking boy 'cause I'm small.
I can't stand that shit.
You ever have a girl roll your drawers down
when you didn't expect it?
"Hey, baby. Hey! Wait a minute! Hey!"
Look on the ground, your drawers be in that panty ball?
They're fucking--
"Bitch, that's a pair of boxers.
You'd better extend it before I punch you in the fucking throat.
Got my shit looking like a balled-up thong on the fucking floor.
I'll chop you in your goddamn neck."
I'm just being honest.
Now, ladies, I know what you're thinking.
"Kevin, you don't like all this stuff about us.
I'm quite sure there's some stuff that we don't like about you."
You're absolutely right.
I'll tell you what you don't like about me.
I don't have sex for very long.
I'm not playing.
You've got about a good 20 to 23 seconds with me, ladies.
And I'm very serious.
I'm serious. Here's the thing.
I don't care. I come quick. Whatever.
It is what it is. Fellas, if you come fast, embrace it.
Be good in that amount of time.
All you gotta do is disguise it.
Put a girl in a lot of positions. That's what I do.
I put you in nine position in 23 seconds.
I'm not playing.
You don't believe me? Okay, all right. Watch this.
I'ma fuck the shit out of this stool for 23 seconds.
You brought this on yourself.
Don't make me laugh. This is serious shit.
Shut the fuck up. You're about to get it. Go!
[cheering]
[crowd clapping]
[groans]
"Whoo!
Whoo!
You all right?
You want some juice?"
That's how you know--
When you ain't do shit, but, "You want some juice?"
When a man ask you if you want some juice,
you know his dick wasn't shit.
"You want some juice?
I'm going to the kitchen and get some juice.
You want some juice?
Want me to make you some juice?
I can make you some juice from scratch."
Fellas, y'all get that hump in your back?
You know what that is? You ever get that turtle shell?
You come too hard. [groans]
That shit right there. [groans]
That turtle shell with your head going in and out of the shell?
[groans]
Shit! Just caught a Charley horse in my back!
This is true stuff.
Ladies, I'll tell you what else I don't like.
I don't like it when you guys get drunk as shit while your man is sober.
I don't. You know why?
'Cause when y'all get drunk,
that's when you wanna be nasty.
But the nasty stuff that you wanna do doesn't make any sense.
It's stupid! Y'all do the same type of shit,
stand in that same dumb-ass drunk stance.
"Hey, babe.
Come here.
Hey, put your-- Put your dick on the counter.
Let me suck your dick on the counter."
"Excuse me?"
"Put your dick on the counter.
Let me suck your dick on the counter."
"Bitch, we in 7-Eleven. I'm not about to put
my dick on the goddamn counter at 7-Eleven."
"Get a bag of Doritos, put Doritos on your dick.
Let me suck Doritos off your dick."
"What?" "Let me suck the Dorito--
You scared to let me suck that cheesy dick?"
"Pineapples. Get in the car. I'm not gonna deal with this.
Pineapples. Suck a cheesy dick?
What the hell are you talking about?
What the hell is wrong with you?"
Women always want you to suck on their titty
when they're drunk. You ever notice that?
All the time. "Hey. Babe.
Hey."
They do that drunk-ass hiccup.
[hiccups] "Hey.
Come here. Come here.
Suck my titty real quick."
"What?"
"Suck on my titty real quick."
"Bitch, I'm pumping gas.
I can't suck your titty while I'm pumping gas."
"Put some gas on my titty and suck the gas off my titty."
"All right, pineapples. You're just fucking stupid.
So I can forget I did it, light a cigarette,
blow my goddamn mouth off? Is that what you want?
Stupid ass."
Every man in this room has had an experience with a drunk girl.
Every man has. My experience was bad.
It was horrible. This girl was drunk as shit.
I knew she was drunk 'cause she didn't have any balance in her neck.
She was all over the place.
We in the car, I'm driving, she in the passenger seat, right?
Out of nowhere she sat up, she said, "Kevin,
I'm about to hit you with some new nasty shit."
I said, "Whatever. Do you. I don't care."
Out of nowhere, she leans over.
I'm thinking she about to give me head.
She put her throat on my balls.
Out of nowhere she said... [growls]
I said, "Oh!"
[groaning]
She said, "I'm humming on your balls."
I was hitting the gas and the brake at the same time.
"No. Ah!"
[mimics tires screeching] "Oh, shit."
I'm just being honest with you.
You know what else I don't like?
Ladies, I don't like the back-it-up girls.
The back-it-up girls, for those who don't know who they are,
they're the girls that do too much when you're having sex.
These girls-- "Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah."
I don't like that. Pineapples.
I've got a little pelvis. It hurts.
You're gonna pop my belly button. I don't wanna do it.
I don't fucking like it.
That's the worst shit ever, fellas,
when you let a girl that back you down all over the bedroom.
Do you know how stupid you look when you let a girl back you down?
I'm serious. All you gotta do is
catch one reflection of yourself in the mirror.
I bet you'll never let it happen again.
Look, this is how dumb you look.
This is what it look like. Look.
You supposed to be having sex, she got you doing P90X.
Go sit your stupid ass down, man.
What the fuck your calves burning for while you're having sex?
Now, ladies, the reason why I know all this stuff...
Like I said, I've been single for a while now,
so I've been out, I've been in the clubs.
I've been on the scene. I see what's going on.
Do I like the clubs? No.
Do I like the single life? Not really.
But I'm in it.
The reason why I go to clubs
is 'cause my friends make me 'cause they can't get in without me.
So I have to go.
Here's the thing. I'm gonna tell you
what shocked me the most about the clubs.
I didn't know that dancing shit--
That whole dance-battle shit--
I didn't know that that was real.
I thought it was just on TV
with dance crews. That shit is real,
like grown-ass men be battling face to face.
Grown-ass fucking men.
The shit that make me laugh the most
when you watch people battle
is the dude that be calling the dances out.
He says shit, you have no clue.
You never knew this was going on.
"Oh, shit! That nigga in your house!
He walking your dog!"
"Where the fuck he get the dog? When he get the dog?"
[laughs] I got involved in one dance battle.
One dance battle. I go to a club, right?
I'm with my boy Spank. Now here's the thing.
Spank can dance. Spank can dance his ass off.
Personally, I think Spank is a little too tall
to do some of the dances he does.
Spank is like 6'5".
Shouldn't do some of them, but whatever.
It's his business. We go into a club,
Spank walking in front of me, I'm behind him.
When we get there, he hear a song.
He's like, "Oh, shit. This my song."
He dropped his ass down twice. Bop. Bop.
Now here's the thing. I'm right behind him.
I'm small. His ass hit my lip a little bit.
Not a lot, but it definitely--
I said, "No, no, no. No."
The D.J. was like, "Oh, shit! Them niggas' dirty wining."
"No, we're not. Don't do that.
Don't say that. Don't put that message out there."
I said, "Hey, man, don't fucking do that shit in front of me.
Go out there and dance if you wanna dance."
He said, "All right. Cool, cool."
He go out there on the dance floor.
He see this girl, he start dancing.
He ain't doing nothing crazy. He's just two-stepping.
Mmm! Mmm! Him and the girl dancing.
Out of nowhere, this guy walks up.
He got five guys with him, right?
He grabbed the girl. He looked at Spank
and he said, "Hey, man, you don't want this fucking problem."
Now in my mind I said, "Oh, shit, we about to fight."
So I did what I do. I took a beer bottle.
I broke it, 'cause I was about to stab this bitch in the face.
I'm lying. I tried to break it
it didn't break, so I sat down.
Listen, whatever.
It has nothing to do with the story.
It's neither here nor there. Okay, so I sit down.
I'm looking. This is the shit that was wild.
When the guy moved the girl, he said,
"Yeah, you don't want this fucking problem."
Out of nowhere he was like, "Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
Now this is the shit that made me laugh.
When he was doing this,
his friends behind him was like... [vocalizing tune]
I was like, "What the fuck is-- What is going on?
What the hell is this?"
So he grabs Spank's chest.
When he grabbed his chest, he was like, "Yeah, what I got?
What I got? What I got?"
Now the bitch in me came out. I was like,
"What is it? What's in his hand? What does he have?"
He said, "I got your heart, nigga.
I got your fucking heart. I'm about to eat it.
Ah... Ah... Ah..."
He said, "Yeah, I ate it, bitch. Ooh, it's nasty."
Threw it back up. He said, "Take it back."
Mmm.
Hit Spank on the head, Spank came back to life.
'Cause technically, Spank was dead for 32 seconds,
because the guy had his heart.
So when he gave it back, I was like,
"Yo, Spank, we should leave
'cause next time he might not be that nice.
He might not give it back."
So Spank was like, "Yo, man, fuck that.
He wanna battle, let's battle."
I said, "Spank, there's five of them.
You're not gonna do it by yourself. Tag me in."
He said, "What?" I said, "Tag me in.
Hit my hand, I'm gonna go here,
I'm gonna bring it right back here.
Okay? Just hit my hand, I'm gonna go here with it,
I'm gonna bring it right back here."
He said, "No, Kev, fuck that. I got him.
I'm about to get in a car on this bitch."
I said, "What?"
He said, "I'm about to get in a car on his ass."
I said, "Whatever. Fine, do you."
He said, "When I get to the other side of the room,
throw me the car keys."
I said, "My real car keys?"
He said, "Bitch, throw me the keys."
I said, "Okay, I'm not gonna argue with you.
Whatever, fine. Okay."
So Spank starts dancing.
He gets to the other side of the room.
He going off, right?
He said, "Kev, I'm at the car. Throw me the keys."
I take out my car keys, I throw 'em hard as shit.
[grunts]
When I throw 'em, this bitch ducks. Mmm.
When he ducks, it hit the glass behind the bar.
All the glass break, alcohol fall down.
The bartender looked at me.
He said, "You gonna have to pay for this shit."
I said, "I would,
but the way that my bank account is set up,
I got a checking and savings..."
Y'all been great, L.A. I'm Kevin Hart.
I gotta get the fuck outta here. Thank you.
♪ Everybody stand up... ♪
[hip-hop music playing]
♪ I've been on the top For a minute ♪
♪ So no wonder Why it's cool ♪
♪ I'm the dude That they hatin' on ♪
♪ But, homie, you can't And haters just won't ♪
♪ Let me continue Doin' me ♪
♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪
♪ I flow like H20 From Mexico, Tijuana ♪
♪ My styles break ground Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪
That was it.
That's how it be.
Makin' it do what it do, baby.
Okay? I came, I saw, I rocked.
You saw it. I don't gotta say it,
'cause you saw what just happened.
Let me tell you something. Slide right over, bitches.
I suggest you sit back down in your seats
'cause I got something to show you.
[upbeat music playing]
All right, listen up.
I'm about to give you your names.
You're Mr. Brown. You're Mr. Blonde,
Mr. White, Mr. Blue, Mr. Pink.
Wait a minute. Why am I Mr. Pink?
Because I said so.
Well, why can't we just choose our own colors?
I'll tell you why you can't choose your own color.
'Cause I'm the one that sat up all night
trying to figure out who was going to be who
according to the way it was going to go down.
Now that I know how it's going down, I know who's who.
-And you're Mr. Pink. -It's just a fake name, man.
Man, that's easy for you to say. You're Mr. White.
Your name is cool. Why don't we just trade?
Shit! You think I'm gonna let a grown man call me Mr. Pink?
That's a man law.
See what I'm saying? It sounds gay.
Mr. Brown sounds like "Mr. Shit."
You know what? If it's all right with you, I'll just be Mr. Fuchsia.
-Mr. Fuchsia is gayer. -Definitely.
Hey, hey!
You're gonna be Mr. Pink, okay?
You're Mr. Brown. I don't care if the name sounds like shit
or smells like shit. You're Mr. Brown.
You're Mr. Pink and you're Mr. Brown!
I'm not gonna keep telling-- You're Mr. Pink, man.
I sat up all night.
You hear me? You're Mr. Pink.
That's the way I figured it out.
Now what is your name? What-- Tell me?
Mr. Pink, man. But you know, I prefer Mr. Fuchsia.
Come on, man, just call yourself Mr. Pink.
Now can we get on with this shit?
What the fuck is on your goddamn face?
Why you here dressed like a mime?
Nigga, you told me to come
as your favorite character from a bank-robbery movie.
I chose Dead Presidents.
Did we not all say Reservoir Dogs was our favorite movie?
-[all agreeing] -I said Reservoir Dogs.
I sent the email. Didn't you get the email?
And I tweeted it.
I got the tweet. I definitely got the tweet.
I'm not following you.
Ain't that about a bitch?
Remember when you said that shit about the dark-skinned girls?
I stopped-- That's when I stopped following you.
You following me though, right?
-Hell yeah, I'm still following you. -Oh, cool.
Okay, you know what? Hey, listen, listen.
We're about to rob a bank, okay?
We gotta be together.
We don't have room for error. Focus.
Now we need to be on the same page, 'cause right now we're not.
We not on page two. We on page one.
We need to flip back to page number one
and read the third paragraph.
We can't turn to page two 'cause we're on page one.
[door thuds open]
Boy?
Y'all ready to set it off in this motherfucker?
Dance, bitch.
Oh, sh-- God damn!
[man] That's what I'm talkin' about.
Jail. That's where we're going, jail.
-♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler ♪ -♪ Fuckin' hustler, man ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler, bitch ♪
♪ Livin' in the streets A hustler ♪
♪ Stone-cold cash ♪
♪ From the cradle To the grave ♪
♪ Diamonds, furs ♪
♪ And pinafores ♪
♪ Gangster never change ♪
♪ They call me suicide king ♪
♪ When I cop that Click clack ♪
♪ Pullin' all their triggers On the dime ♪
♪ When I flow back Bitches cry ♪
♪ When plush-black Comes, Jack ♪
♪ Been around the block Like a rat pack compact ♪
♪ Fuck that, I could tell you What you wanna know ♪
♪ Slick-combed cats In the pocket in the club ♪
♪ Gonna get ya Gonna get ya ♪
♪ Livin' in the streets A hustler ♪
♪ Stone-cold cash From the cradle to the grave ♪
[man over radio] Rise and shine, Los Angeles,
it's ten o'clock in the a.m.
All right, guys, let's synchronize our watches.
The time right now is 1:00...
Uh...
I don't have a watch.
What you mean you don't have no watch?
You didn't say, "Bring a watch."
Should I have to?
If you want me to bring it.
What are we doing today?
Robbing a bank.
Okay, so you don't think you need a damn watch
to know what time you need to get out of the goddamn bank?
For what? We all together.
You know what? Forget it.
You don't need no watch. Just count in your head.
That's what you do. That's how you keep track.
-All right, dude? -What?
My sugar's low.
I gotta stop and get something to eat.
You don't need shit else to eat, fat boy.
We haven't got time for that shit anyway.
How you know what we got time for?
'Cause you don't got no goddamn watch.
-Dumbass. -That's it. Done.
Okay? We comin' up on the bank, guys.
Game faces on right now. Let's go.
[ticking]
Whoa!
You all right?
-[both muttering] -Y'all are good?
What're you doing, man?
Hey, hey! What the hell is going on?
Man, I think he nervous, man.
I told you to tie your goddamn shoe in the car.
You better get it together.
Man, let's focus now.
[teller] Next in line.
Hey, how you doin'? I got a question.
Hypothetically, if this bank was to get robbed,
is my money okay?
[whistling]
-I got it! -Shh.
[Joey] I mean don't worry about what I just said.
Let me just withdraw my money.
I need all my money, yeah. It's just about $95.
[grunting]
Oh!
[shrieking]
I'm part of it. I'm sorry.
Put my money in the motherfuckin' bag!
[growling]
-Put the money in the bag! -[taser crackling]
Dang it.
Get your-- get your--
Get the fuck down! Down!
Everybody get the fuck down!
Get the fuck down! Everybody get the fuck down!
Get the-- Everybody!
You, bitch, you better get down.
Get your ass down. Everybody down!
Sixty seconds.
Right.
-Forty-five. -I'm gonna shoot somebody.
-Twenty-five. -I know!
-Fifteen. -I got it.
Hey, get your ass up.
Give me the goddamn gun.
Give me my gun. You think-- Get down!
-Five seconds. -Wait, you gotta start over.
I just got up here. We can't be at five that fast.
You gotta start it over. Robert De Niro didn't start his speech
until he was up here.
Sixty seconds. 60 seconds.
Everybody listen up. We're holding this bank up!
Understand something.
We do not want your money, okay?
We want the bank's money.
Your money is insured by the federal government.
Now do exactly as I say and you will not be hurt.
If you have kids and family that you love, you will listen.
If you gotta pee or shit, you will hold it
and possibly piss or shit on yourself.
If you gotta throw up, you will throw up in your hand
and put it in your pocket and wait until you get--
-[man] Black! -Mr. Black?
Right, right. Hey, you, get your ass--
Oh.
Oh, God damn.
Wait a minute.
Hey. Hey, beautiful.
How you doin'?
I've been better.
Right, considering what's going on right now.
-Yeah. So this your job? -Yeah.
How they treat you? They treat you good?
I mean it's okay. I got benefits.
-Yeah. -Question?
-Yeah. -How long you gonna be?
'Cause I gotta be somewhere at four o'clock.
-So can you... -No, no, no, we won't be long.
-[man] Watch out! -[woman] Oh, shit.
You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, you gotta be goddamn kidding me.
You got to be kidding me. Hold on.
-You need help? -No.
-You sure? -My feet at the ground yet?
-[woman] I doubt it. -[Kevin] Guys, am I close?
-Just drop. You good. -Oh!
-Okay. Give it to me. -I can't get it out.
-Give me the goddamn gun. -Ow!
Give me the goddamn-- Sit your ass down.
-Sit your old ass down. -Okay, okay.
Put your head against the wall and go to sleep.
-Yes, sir. -Night-night, nigga.
Nighty night.
Really, dude?
He caught us by surprise, man.
His old 195-year-old ass caught you by surprise?
My bad, Kev.
[woman laughs]
-Oh, my God, man. -What?
You called him Kevin, dickwad.
I called you Kev. She called you Kevin.
Oh, you a snitch too.
Don't matter. What're you supposed to call me?
-Mr. Black. -Okay.
Why don't you call me Mr. Black?
That's what we worked on all day. I'm Mr. Black.
You know I'm Mr. Black.
-So call me Mr. Black, man. -Call him Mr. Black!
Think about black pepper. Think about Kunta Kinte black.
-Right. -You know?
Think about them black bumps on Morgan Freeman.
You know how Morgan Freeman got those black moles all over his face?
Black like that. Black like his little black ass.
-Okay, we get it. -Just black.
-Thank you. -Twizzler black.
[Taraji] Yeah, there you go.
Hey, that nigga black as train smoke.
Blacker than Adebisi from Oz.
Blacker than limo tint.
Black like the back of Forest Whitaker's black neck.
-Thank you, Taraji. -You're welcome, Kevin.
-Okay. -With your little cute self.
Taraji, I am filming a goddamn action scene.
Don't call me cute right now. You just made it real.
You get down! You better get your ass down.
I'm not getting on the ground, little man.
You gonna get your ass on that--
I'm not getting on the ground.
What is the problem?
Because I just bought this suit.
I'm not getting on the ground because it's filthy.
They don't wash these carpets.
Fine. I'll get you a suit.
Okay.
Would I be robbing a bank if I had the goddamn money?
I can't help you with that.
But I'm not getting on this damn ground.
Get it out of the register.
Oh, it's not coming out of my drawer, boo boo.
I could get fired for that.
Jackie Robinson, get your old ass up.
Get the money out the register.
-[drawer clicks] -How much was the suit?
-Oh, $400 for the suit. -Give me $400.
But I'm gonna need $300 for my shoes that are gonna get scuffed on the way down.
Give me the fuckin' $400 plus the $300.
Oh, wait, and $200 for my hair
'cause this carpet's filthy.
I can't, you know, my hair. So that's two, four, three.
-That's nine, round it up. -Like $1,000.
Yeah, a G. I'll take a G.
Get the motherfuckin' G out of there.
"Get the G outta the register."
-Count it out. -I want big bills.
The fuckin' bills, bitch.
"Get the big bills, bitch!"
Get the big bills, bitch.
Ha! This is fun.
Get your goddamn money.
"Get my money, bitch."
"Throw me my money!"
Get your goddamn ass--
"Get your ass down!"
You down!
I'm gonna count my money first.
One, two, three, four...
How long we been in this bank?
We've been here 11 and a half minutes already.
You need to get your ass down.
Can you ask a little nicer?
Can you please get down, Taraji?
Okay, Kevin. [squeals] You're so cute.
So cute! Ooh-ooh!
You know what? You done called me cute the last time.
What the fuck was that?
What?
This motherfucker's signaling people.
I scratched my ass.
Oh, you a dirty motherfucker.
You don't wash your ass, bitch?
What, you don't know about hygiene?
-You don't take no shower? -No.
-Get your ass down. -I didn't like you anyway.
Yo, we gonna have company.
What's in the vault? I'm hittin' the vault!
Hey!
[man] Come on!
Let's go!
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Go, leave me.
Yeah. Hey?
I think I got the heavy one. Yup, I got the heavy one.
-Come on, man. -I'm coming.
-Let's go. -Go, go, go.
I'm good!
You better sit the fuck-- Nobody move.
You just got robbed, bitch.
What's going on over here?
I'm trying to figure this shit out, man.
-Figure what out? -Can't get the seats up.
Why the hell did you put them down?
I was trying to make room for more money.
There's seven of us. Where the hell are we supposed to sit?
I just thought about that shit, man.
What's going on over here?
Jackass put the seats down and can't get 'em back up.
Why would you put the seats down?
Trying to make room for more money.
But you know there's seven of us.
Well, I just thought about that shit.
[sighs in exasperation]
What-- What the hell is going on?
Jackass put the seats down.
Why the fuck would you do that?
Trying to make room for more money.
Fuck. There's seven of us.
Man, I just thought about that.
Man, what y'all doing?
Jackass here put the seats down and can't get 'em back up.
What the fuck you do that for?
-I was trying to make room for more money. -There's seven of us.
I just thought about that shit, man.
What are you-- What the fuck's going on?
-Jackass put the seats down. -Why'd you do that?
I was trying to make room for more money.
There's seven of us, Mr. Brown.
What the fuck are you doing?
I just thought about that shit.
You're gonna get somebody killed.
Get your ass in the car, man.
-Dumb motherfucker, man. -Come on, y'all, let's go.
We gotta go.
-Come on. -Let's go.
Uh, Mr. Black? Where's Mr. Black?
[panting]
There he go. Go get him.
Shit. Okay, I got it. Y'all don't worry about it.
I got it, I got it.
-[muttering] -Yeah.
Y'all gave me the one with all the $100s.
That's why it's so heavy. Just go.
-Okay? -Go. See ya.
Come on, let's go. Come on!
-He said "go." -You sure?
-He said "go!" -You sure he said "go"?
-Yeah, he said "go." -Just give me a second.
I'll be all right.
I don't think that means go.
-No. -Oh, shit!
That's definitely "go."
He's doing that Queen Latifah move, yo!
He's sacrificing for the team.
[sirens wailing]
I just need a second. I'll be right there.
That's love, y'all!
That motherfucker's dumb. Fuck it. Let's go.
-Close the door! -He said, "Let's go."
-Close the door. -He's saying "Let's go."
No, no, don't leave. No, no.
No, no!
No!
[siren wailing]
No! No!
Yo!
Y'all don't leave me! What you leavin' for?
Mr. Brown!
What the fuck am I thinkin' about?
[grunts]
[Larry King] On tonight's show, we have Henry Witherspoon.
He's the father of the world-renowned comedian Kevin Hart.
Kevin's wildly successful standup comedy film,
Laugh At My Pain,
attributes some horrific actions
to Mr. Witherspoon...
I'll take a glass of milk, please.
[Larry] First and foremost, what do you work at?
I'm an engineer. I'm an oil-burner technician.
[Larry] What does that mean?
That's my goddamn dad.
That mean I fix oil burners. I take care of burners.
[Larry laughs] Okay...
My damn dad.
What's he doing on Larry King?
You have thrown your son in a pool
in which he almost dies.
You steal a police dog.
You ruin your son's spelling-bee competition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All those true?
Yeah, every one of them. Yeah.
Were you stoned at the time?
Um, let's see. When I threw him in the pool,
I was higher than the Georgia pine.
Uh, when I stole the police car...
'Cause it was a car, not a dog.
When I stole the car, yeah, I was high.
Do you see that shit? Do you see this shit?
Is Kevin Hart your biological son or did you adopt him?
He better be my biological son.
I supported the nigga. I paid for him.
[Larry laughs]
Now why does Kevin have several stepbrothers and stepsisters
that are the same age as him?
Papa was a rolling stone.
-It is what it is. -[Larry laughs]
Is it true you took your son to the wrong day-care center?
Yeah. I got Kevin there and he took me--
One was on one side, one was on the other.
He took me to one and told me, "Go ahead, Dad.
I got it. I'm good."
So I left. Later on that day,
a priest showed up where I was working with my son.
You know what? I don't need the milk.
I'm going. I'm gonna find out where the goddamn studio is.
I'm on my way, bitch.
Kevin says that you tried to force sex on him
at the age of 13 with a female friend's young daughter.
Is that true?
Yeah, I tried to get him--
Um, that's like this.
Black fathers want to be sure
that their young boys turn into young men.
And the best way to do that is get 'em wet.
-Wet? -Yeah.
-Good term. -Yeah.
[theme music playing]
We're back with Spoon. Henry Witherspoon.
We are now joined by his famous son Kevin Hart.
What's your relationship now?
Uh, my relationship with my dad now, Larry, is excellent.
You know, I gotta honestly say it's better than it has been before.
Not that it was ever bad,
but you know, the older you get, the more you mature.
I can say right now I'm at the highest level of maturity
I've ever been in my life.
And I gotta say it's because of this man right here.
Are you best friends now?
-Of course, of course. -Yeah, yeah.
Uh, this is my man. My man pots and pans.
You know? I think we're probably friends 'cause he understands
at the current time, I'll whip his ass, Larry.
You know, it's not what it used to be.
-Aha. -Yeah.
I beat the hell out of this boy.
It's not what it used to be.
I'll put my hands on him now.
He right, but he got to remember I'll cut him.
Do you think with what you went through growing up,
that comedy is therapy for you?
Oh, yes, yes, you know?
Because I didn't have other outlets.
You know? I mean,
it wasn't like there was people I was talking to
about what I was going through.
Uh, standup comedy gave me the ability to share my stories
and get results.
You know? Get immediate results.
-Even using your dad. -Even using my dad.
You know, you're taking your pain
and getting people to laugh at it.
You know, guys, Larry Gelbart,
the great late comedy writer,
told me once he was carrying his little granddaughter.
And he said, "Do you know why
grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?"
'Cause you can send them home when you're tired of them.
"'Cause they have a common enemy."
[laughing]
That's pretty funny. That's very funny.
Thank you, guys. Hey, tomorrow night, what a show we've got.
Todd Bridges is gonna be with us
with his best friend.
His best friend, he says, stole his image.
That's tomorrow night. It's gonna be hot.
You will not want to miss it.
Yeah.
[laughing]
All right, all right, all right!
I was an honor-roll student when I went here.
You can look it up. Do you have your files?
If you want me to come talk to some kids, I'm available.
You know? I'm a great motivational speaker.
Uh, I can definitely tell kids, "Don't do drugs.
And if you do do it, just do it once
because that's kind of when
you get the effect that you need
and you can let it go."
[laughing]
Here's something basically...
At the top, what do you see?
You see "Graduated to Greatness."
Okay? I mean, I'm in a great spot right now.
I'm definitely--
I'm definitely probably on here.
See, that's weird.
I wonder who made this. They probably just didn't...
Let's just put this down, because I don't think it's...
I don't think it's something that's relevant.
Whatever. It's not even a big deal. I'm not upset about it.
I'm definitely not mad.
I broke my finger. Somebody opened the door.
While they opened the door, I had my finger like this.
I didn't cry. Why didn't I cry?
I'm a fuckin' man. I took it.
No tears. I passed out.
That's probably why I didn't cry.
We about to jump in the shit right now. It's gonna get crazy.
Okay? Now I got some white people on this camera crew.
I need y'all to look alive, stay alert.
If I say run, run, okay?
When I say, "Get the fuck out of here," y'all go.
It used to be he was my brother.
You know, it done turned full circle now.
I don't even have a name.
I'm his brother now.
People don't even call me by my name anymore.
Nothing's changed.
He's got the attention span of a teen girl.
There's nothing that's changed about him. He's still the same cat,
except he's got more money. He's still--
You know, "Hey, hey!" Trying to fast-talk me.
"Hey, hey."
Like he's playing three-card monte.
Everybody want to be famous, don't nobody want to do the work.
Spank, give me two, baby. Let's go.
Let's go, baby.
[both breathing hard]
Come on now. Now you.
Come on, give me that.
Hold 'em up. There you go. Come on, Harry.
Come on, boy. Come on.
-Easy greasy. -Come on now, Clyde. Give me some.
-That's a strike. -That's what I'm talkin' about.
Wayne, give me two. Give me the belly. Give me the belly.
All right? How you doin'? Always-always.
Nate, give me some. That's the baby.
All right.
[laughter]
Hey!
[babbling]
Look at me though. Look at me, look at me.
Spoony G! Come give me some, Spoony G.
Come give me some.
All right, man. Was it good shit?
Hah!
What's in your mouth? What's that in your mouth?
[child giggles]