1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,213 Okay, boys, we've got a really large group today, 2 00:00:05,296 --> 00:00:07,215 so please stay together. 3 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,426 Oh, Steve, thank goodness. 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,095 I need you to help me lead these kids down the rock eagle trail. 5 00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:13,847 I'm having a hard time keeping up with them myself. 6 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,849 I wish that I could, but I'm busy. 7 00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:18,435 - Doing what? - Updating my status. 8 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,186 Had a hot dog for lunch. 9 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,939 Any spicy mustard fans out there? 10 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,984 Uh... Lucas, no! 11 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,069 Stay with the group. 12 00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,822 Come on, Steve, I really need some help here. 13 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:32,282 This light is perfect. 14 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,325 And, I need a new profile photo. 15 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,452 Here, take it for me. 16 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,370 [Rattling] 17 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,416 [Exhales heavily] Please stay with the group. 18 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:43,752 [Camera clicks] Loving my hair today. 19 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,963 Ugh. Steve, do you ever think about anybody but yourself? 20 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,007 You are the most self-centered man on the planet. 21 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:52,969 Go on. What else about Steve do you find fascinating? 22 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,764 Ugh. Not only do I not find you fascinating, 23 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,349 but I doubt there is a single woman alive that would. 24 00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,517 For your information, 25 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,562 Denzel and I are doing speed dating tonight. 26 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:03,688 I bet I'll score. 27 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,939 There is no way that you're... 28 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,107 Oh, God! 29 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:09,194 Come on, kids. Up into the ferris wheel. 30 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,196 There's room for everybody. 31 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,198 - [Grunts] - Hey! It happened to me, 32 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:15,200 and I turned out all right. 33 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,284 [Honks bicycle horn] 34 00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:19,454 [Jaunty music] 35 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:25,752 - [Screams] - ♪ Brickleberry ♪ 36 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,130 So the North Koreans grabbed me, 37 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:30,673 and smuggled me across the border. 38 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,801 I had to spend nine months in a hard labor camp, 39 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,511 while former president carter negotiated my... 40 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,595 I'm sorry, did you say something? 41 00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:36,721 I was just making a list 42 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,640 of people who could play me in a movie. 43 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:41,309 I'm a... kind of a cross between Clooney and Pitt. 44 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:42,936 You might say I'm a "clitt." 45 00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:46,731 So... are we going to... get it on, or what? 46 00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,567 [Whispering] Denzel. What's with these women? 47 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,986 Man, you the problem. You don't listen to 'em. 48 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,864 Now, you know me. I like my woman like spoiled milk. 49 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,992 White, and past the expiration date. Watch and learn. 50 00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:01,913 So he calls and he says: "Grandma, I got accepted." 51 00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,998 Oh, my goodness, you're telling me your grandson 52 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,584 got into Tulane on a full scholarship? 53 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,504 Mazel Tov. Now how about we go back to your place 54 00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:10,880 and knock the dust off that poontang? 55 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,800 Ooh! Thought you'd never ask. 56 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,260 It's just like shakespeare said: 57 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:18,012 "If you yak about you, your sack will turn blue. 58 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,932 But if you watch and listen, her crotch will glisten." 59 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,684 - William Shakespeare said that? - Who? 60 00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,769 No. My boy Jamarcus Shakespeare. 61 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,146 Ran a chop shop in detroit. 62 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,691 Brother pulled more hos than a fire department. 63 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:32,110 Ethel and Denzel don't know what they're talking about. 64 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:34,821 I'm not self-centered. Am I? 65 00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:37,699 No. Don't even say that. You're amazing! 66 00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:38,950 Thank you. 67 00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:42,078 Finally! Someone who makes a little sense around here. 68 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,873 I appreciate how amazing you are. 69 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:48,376 Why don't you tell me everything there is to know about you? 70 00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,879 Me? My favorite subject. 71 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:54,299 My earliest memory was being the fastest sperm in the balls. 72 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,720 Mmm. Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum. 73 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,722 Mmm, nyum, yum, yum, yum. 74 00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:02,807 Well, if it ain't the house bear. 75 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,726 Where you going, you spoiled little pussy? 76 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,227 Inside, where I live. 77 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,146 You guys have fun digging through the garbage, though. 78 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,148 Ooh, I forgot, we put rocks on the lids. 79 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:11,232 Tough break, guys. 80 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:12,358 Yo, gimme those. 81 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,569 Hey, those are mine! 82 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,988 [Grunting] 83 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:19,449 Okay, okay. You win. Ay, tell you what. 84 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,326 I'll bring you some food from inside, 85 00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,328 just wait right here. 86 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:27,582 - Malloy, what are you doing? - Getting a gun. 87 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,834 What have I told you about guns? 88 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,837 To scratch the serial number off before you murder someone. 89 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,758 No. Only rangers can carry guns inside of a national park. 90 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:37,967 That rule sucks. 91 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:41,221 I just need to command a little respect around here. 92 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,973 Trust me, I don't need a gun to get respect. 93 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,350 What's up, you fat old mother... 94 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:46,851 Handsome, strong... 95 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,603 Stupid, ignorant-ass... 96 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:49,938 All-around nice guy. 97 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,898 All right, maybe you've got a point. 98 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:55,443 So then we get to her place and start going at it. 99 00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,362 Everything is gettin' hot and heavy. 100 00:03:57,445 --> 00:04:00,448 She smells like menthol rubs and female excitement, 101 00:04:00,531 --> 00:04:02,784 when all of a sudden the parlor door opens. 102 00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,619 - [Exasperated] Mom... - You got a mom? 103 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,622 You go to your room at once, young lady! 104 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:09,999 Cockblocked by a 90-year-old. Ain't that some shit? 105 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,377 I am really sorry I asked about that. 106 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,170 [Laughs triumphantly] Yeah! 107 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,881 I will have you know that my self-centered ass 108 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:20,635 just scored with the hottest, sexiest woman 109 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,012 - in the whole world! - I don't believe it. 110 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,973 And, she only wanted to talk about me. 111 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,225 She didn't waste my time talking about her. 112 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:30,228 Oh, yeah, and we had the wildest sex you could imagine. 113 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:31,896 It wasn't until it was all over 114 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,482 that she finally asked for something for herself. 115 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,818 - What was that? - $500. 116 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,111 I'm assuming it was for cab fare. 117 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,697 I'm assuming that the cab has to take her to a different state. 118 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:41,823 I'm assuming, Mexico. 119 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:44,325 Steve, I think that woman was a... 120 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,493 How should I put this? 121 00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:46,786 That bitch was a ho! 122 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:48,955 Don't talk about lady tanqueray like that! 123 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:51,457 Besides, if she was a prostitute, 124 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,293 why didn't I wear a condom? 125 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,420 Right? 126 00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,674 Steve, how many times have I warned you about 127 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,676 taking part of high-risk behaviors? 128 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:02,844 Oh, my God. 129 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,721 Someone just left this laying here? 130 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,515 Well it is cold and flu season. 131 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,808 Is that corned beef? 132 00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:10,810 I'll give you three bucks for a bite of that. 133 00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:13,479 Who wants to become blood brothers? 134 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,148 All of you? Okay! 135 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:17,191 Frankly, it's a statistical miracle 136 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,694 - that you haven't gotten sick yet... - See? 137 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,487 - until now. - What? 138 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,865 Steve, medicine doesn't have words to describe 139 00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:25,867 how horrific your illness is. 140 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,869 I've never seen it before, but... 141 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,621 Well, try to imagine if syphilis did it with cancer 142 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,373 and got full-blown aids. 143 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:36,627 - Can-a-syphil-aids? - Yes. Can-a-syphil-aids. 144 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,129 That has a nice ring to it, Steve. 145 00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:40,214 The good news is, you'll only be sick for two weeks. 146 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,134 - Yes! - 'Cause after that you'll be dead. 147 00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,512 Oh, my God, Steve. 148 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:47,889 This is horrible news. 149 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,850 Feels like someone ripped my heart straight out of my chest. 150 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,102 Don't worry Woody, it'll be okay. 151 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,188 No, it won't! Do you know how much of a hassle it is 152 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:58,316 to hire a new ranger, you stupid dying idiot? 153 00:05:58,399 --> 00:05:59,901 Malloy, what are you doing? 154 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,235 Just practicing the jig I'm going to do 155 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:02,737 on Steve's grave. 156 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:07,075 Can you believe my luck? That moron's dying. 157 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,702 Now make me the new ranger and give me my gun. 158 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,788 [Laughs loudly] 159 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,624 A bear ranger? What's next? 160 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,084 Forgiving your dad for making you wear 161 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,337 panties and a padded bra just 'cause he missed his dead wife? 162 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,089 I'm not mom, dad! 163 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,673 She's gone! 164 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,768 Steve, I can't believe that you're dying. 165 00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:36,312 Yeah Steve, I'm sad. 166 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,772 Don't be so sad, guys. 167 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,149 In two weeks, I'll be in heaven. 168 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,110 [Laughter] 169 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,488 What? 170 00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,031 You guys don't think I'm going to heaven? 171 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,449 Uh, no. 172 00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,372 My son, in order to get to heaven 173 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,958 you need to accept Jesus Christ into your heart 174 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,918 as your personal lord and savior. 175 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,003 Done. I [bleep]ing love him. What else? 176 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,880 You need to do nice things for people. 177 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,799 On it. I just bought myself an ipad 3 178 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:07,260 and an all-access pass to a website called pubetube... 179 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:10,179 Steven, I mean good deeds for other people. 180 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,723 Oh. Uh, hypothetically, 181 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,768 what if I've never helped another person... Ever? 182 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,646 Then you'll burn in hell for all eternity. 183 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,314 I can't spend nine months in hell! 184 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,483 That's maternity, Steven. 185 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,651 Eternity is forever. 186 00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:26,154 Oh, no! You gotta get me out of this! 187 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,614 - Please! - There's still time, son. 188 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,366 Just go out there and help others. 189 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,368 Ethel. She does good stuff. 190 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,328 She even started a camp for blind kids. 191 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:35,788 Good! Do what she does. 192 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,832 Oh, she'll help you get into heaven. 193 00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:39,625 Wait. Wouldn't it be better if I just 194 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,127 followed you around? You're a priest. 195 00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:42,920 Too busy, Steven. I've got this other gig 196 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,214 where I dress as a clown. [Honks bicycle horn] 197 00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,679 I need to ask you something important. 198 00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:52,805 Steve, I told you, 199 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,682 the juice boxes are for the campers. 200 00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,517 I wanted to ask for your forgiveness. 201 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,186 I'm sorry for being so self-centered, 202 00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,854 and I want to help you do good deeds. 203 00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:01,647 I'm a brand-new Steve, 204 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,691 who just wants to help other people. 205 00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:05,735 Like this one. 206 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,403 You shouldn't be playing with sticks. 207 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,739 You could put your eye out. [Thud!] 208 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,533 Ugh! Steve, if you want you can read to the kids. 209 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,660 Come on, kids. Story time! 210 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,412 [Telephone rings] 211 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,373 - Hello? - Hello, this is Dr. Kuzniak. 212 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,751 I have some very important iformation for Steve. 213 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,294 Can you tell him that he's not dying? 214 00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:25,546 It turns out I accidentally mixed up his blood sample 215 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:26,672 with another patient's. 216 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,841 In the name of the father, the son, 217 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,676 and the holy... [Gasps, wheezes] 218 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,893 Steve, the doctor called! 219 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:40,686 He has important news for you! 220 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:44,440 Page 43. We're into the lace corset section. 221 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,567 It's the same chick from page 12, 222 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,361 but you can see her jugs better. 223 00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,155 Oh, Steve. It's like you've helped the blind to see. 224 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,324 Now, what was that doctor's big news? 225 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:56,744 Um... Just that you're still dying. 226 00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:59,580 So I'm supposed to believe that he called me, 227 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,916 just to tell me I'm still dying? 228 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:07,004 Oh man! That doctor's a [bleep]ing asshole. 229 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,843 Kids, this is the last day being blind is going to 230 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,346 prevent you from doing anything you want. 231 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,724 Draw... Release! 232 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,314 How'd we do? 233 00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,528 Ethel. I've spent the whole day showing blind kids 234 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,364 that they can do anything non-crippled kids can. 235 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,241 That's wonderful, Steve. 236 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:36,742 Wow. 237 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,328 It's amazing how much this dying thing has changed Steve. 238 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,621 I know, right? 239 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,707 He's actually kind of pleasant to be around. 240 00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,333 Which is why I... 241 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,626 Connie can I tell you something? 242 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,295 Steve isn't really dying. 243 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,462 The doctor called. 244 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,047 It turns out he isn't even sick at all. 245 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,717 That's great news! Let's tell him. 246 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,386 Would it be horrible if we hold off telling him? 247 00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:58,472 You know maybe ride the "nice Steve" wave a little bit longer? 248 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,058 Ethel, that's really selfish of you. 249 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,351 Well I'm sorry that you feel that way, 250 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,644 but it's for the good of the kids. 251 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:04,729 [Chainsaws buzzing] 252 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,480 Now who's having fun? 253 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,482 [Kids cheering] 254 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,821 - What's going on in here? - I'm interviewing for our next ranger. 255 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,407 Just hire me, and let's be done with this. 256 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,868 Daddy's busy, honey. Why don't you go outside and play? 257 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,622 - No, I'm good. - Suit yourself. Next! 258 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,831 Good afternoon! Welcome... 259 00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:26,208 I'm going to stop you right there. 260 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,669 What's the company policy on angel dust? 261 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,631 It's illegal in the park, and in these united states of America. 262 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:34,091 Well, shit! I'm back in the states? Since when? 263 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,677 Man! You know what can really make you forget where you are? 264 00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:38,012 Angel dust. 265 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,221 By the way, can you advance me 20 bucks 266 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,806 - to score some angel dust? - Next! 267 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,267 - Man, I love angel dust. - Next! 268 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:46,312 I can only ejaculate by setting things on fire. 269 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:48,022 - Next! - I like lollipop. 270 00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:50,775 - Next! - I want this job because I like animals. 271 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,318 No, I love animals. 272 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,695 Some people say, I love animals too much, 273 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,781 - you know what I'm sayin'? - Next! 274 00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,867 - And, I'm a certified lifeguard. - Well, I'm impressed. 275 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,285 Well everything looks good. 276 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,787 - He's Canadian. - What? 277 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,872 Get out of my office, you disgusting freak! 278 00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:08,376 That is what you get when you put an ad in a newspaper. 279 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,294 Stupid dying medium. 280 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,963 Malloy, can you help me post an ad on the internet 281 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:15,132 that doesn't attract a bunch of whacko nutjobs? 282 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,385 Oh, I think I can help you with that. 283 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,014 [Line ringing] 284 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,475 - Hello? - It's Denzel. 285 00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,727 Oh, right. The colored kid. 286 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,896 Oh, well, Myrtle isn't here right now... 287 00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,232 Oh I didn't call to talk to Myrtle. 288 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:32,608 I called to talk to you, baby. 289 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,654 - Oh, I see. - Agnes, I think you fine as hell. 290 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,072 I like mature women. 291 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,408 Myrtle's just too young and naive for me. 292 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:43,661 Oh, Denzel, stop it. You're embarrassing me. 293 00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:46,247 So, uh, what are you wearin' right now? 294 00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,833 A polyester housecoat and gown. Why? 295 00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:52,837 - No, I mean under that. - Oh... Well, 296 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,714 a brassiere and a girdle. 297 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,717 No, baby. I mean under that. 298 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:02,096 - A diaper. - Now, that's nasty. 299 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,017 Thanks for the best week of my life, Steve. 300 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:10,020 Don't cry, Frankie. We'll see each other soon. 301 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,522 Well, I'll see you soon. 302 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,023 Oh wait! I'll be dead. 303 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:15,860 [Cries loudly] 304 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,614 Steve, you have been so amazing. 305 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,533 And... look, I'll be honest. 306 00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:25,202 You always disgusted me. I found you repulsive. 307 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,620 You know, when fat people kiss. 308 00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,456 But you've changed. 309 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,582 You now seem so... 310 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,876 sweet and compassionate. 311 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,586 And now that we're alone... 312 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:37,673 Ethel, as much as I'd love to dip my diseased donk in your bonk, 313 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,134 I need to find some more good deeds to do, 314 00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:41,719 or I'm gonna burn in hell! 315 00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,973 Please stop dragging me across the street. 316 00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:47,641 Three more times and I'll let you go. 317 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,811 - At least let me use my wheelchair. - No time! 318 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,443 [People screaming] 319 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:00,821 [Meowing] 320 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,240 Come on kitty, jump. 321 00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:10,831 - "Craigslist." Now what? - Okay, first things first. 322 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:12,416 You don't want to hire a child, 323 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,419 so click on the "adults only" section. 324 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,754 Adults only. Good thinking. 325 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:19,840 Now we don't need another female ranger, right? 326 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,343 - Hell, no! - And you're a man, of course. 327 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,846 So go ahead and click "men seeking men." 328 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,932 Wow, this is easier than I thought. 329 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,518 Hey Steve! What are you doing? 330 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,102 I'm doing good deeds for the rangers. 331 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:34,188 The ones I tried to do in town didn't work out so well, 332 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,523 and I'm running out of time. 333 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,608 - Can we talk for a second? - Not now. 334 00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,110 Denzel asked me to swallow these condoms and drive to Mexico. 335 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,196 But first, I promised Connie a spa day. 336 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:45,533 Steve! I need another mimosa. 337 00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:46,617 Listen, Connie. 338 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,869 What you said before about telling Steve? 339 00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:52,456 I agree with you now. It's time I told him the truth. 340 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,292 No way. This is great. 341 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,628 I've never been so pampered in my life. 342 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:58,963 You are taking advantage of him. 343 00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,549 It's not right. I'm gonna tell him right... Oh! 344 00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,051 If you ruin this, I will break you. 345 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,222 Your ad said you need a man who is 346 00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,974 willing to submit to your authority? 347 00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:13,310 Yes, sir. And I'm going to work you long and hard. 348 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,479 I'm willing to get down on my hands and knees 349 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,898 and do whatever it takes to satisfy you. 350 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,733 See, Malloy? That's what you call commitment. 351 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:20,818 If you say so. 352 00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:24,321 I want you to shove your fist up my ass and work me like a puppet. 353 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,574 Well if that's a code for having a good work ethic, 354 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:27,992 let me go get the paperwork. 355 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,831 Whoa! What the [bleep]? 356 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,341 So, Steve, I was thinking. You're about to die a horrible death. 357 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,759 Condolences. Anyhow, 358 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:49,179 I was wondering if you could do me a small favor? 359 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,599 Sure, I'll help you. Hear that, God? 360 00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,350 I'm helping an animal. 361 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:56,520 Just tell Woody that your dying wish is for me to have your job. 362 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:57,688 [Laughs] 363 00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:00,608 God put three types of animals on earth. 364 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,985 One type to eat, one type to ride, 365 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:04,778 and whales. 366 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:06,113 So Sayeth the Lord. 367 00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,616 Would you stop it with all this God crap? 368 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,117 You blasphemer! 369 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,914 Steve, I know that you're dumb, but try to listen closely. There is no God. 370 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,624 - What? - If there were a God, 371 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:20,628 how do you explain hunger, suffering, and war? You know, Africa. 372 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:23,047 I'll ask God next week when I'm in heaven. 373 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,298 Now if you'll excuse me, 374 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,300 I need to give Connie a Brazilian. 375 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,554 - I'm ready. - [Screams] 376 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,223 You're right! There is no God! 377 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,350 [Gunshot] 378 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,478 Steve? 379 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,898 [Gunshots, animals stampeding] 380 00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:45,152 Damn it! Come back here, chipyunk! 381 00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:48,739 - Fight like a man! - Wait Steve, stop it! 382 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,824 Why? There is no God. 383 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,242 What's the difference? 384 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:53,744 The difference is you're not dying. 385 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:56,330 [Sighing] The doctor called last week and told me. 386 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:58,332 I just didn't tell you because I... I really... 387 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,084 I really like the new Steve. 388 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,086 Bullshit! You're just lying to me 389 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,254 so I don't blow Bambi's brains out. 390 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,173 - [Gun cocking] - Wait, Steve! Okay. Okay! 391 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,092 Okay! Supposed you are dying. 392 00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:10,678 Is this really how you want to spend your last few days? 393 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,680 You know what? You're right. 394 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,516 - I'm wasting precious time. - Thank you. 395 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:18,686 There's way more messed up shit I've always wanted to do! 396 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,146 [Upbeat big band music] 397 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:25,317 ♪ ♪ 398 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,444 Really? 399 00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:30,781 ♪ ♪ 400 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:32,992 Angel dust! 401 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,581 Mother? I need to speak to you about Denzel. 402 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,959 You can't tell me who to date. 403 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:45,796 Myrtle! I thought you had a dialysis appointment. 404 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:48,382 [Gasps] How could you, mother? 405 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,718 You're going down, bitch! 406 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,554 I just did, on the colored kid. 407 00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,973 And it was heavenly. 408 00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:59,560 - Huuh-ya! - Oof! Ow! 409 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:04,064 - Myrtle, No! No! - Oh, man. 410 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:09,987 - He's mine. Hands off me. - [Martial arts shouting] 411 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,741 - Oh, shit! - I never loved you. 412 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,159 [Choking and gagging] 413 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,494 Ladies, ladies, calm down! 414 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,246 I know how we can work this out. 415 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:22,249 Man, y'all are freaks. 416 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:25,502 I bet you ain't smiled like that since you got the right to vote. 417 00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,004 Right, girl? 418 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,259 Uh-Oh. Uh, Myrtle, I think your mama dead. 419 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,262 Myrtle? God damn it. 420 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,937 Let's be honest, we all took advantage of Steve. 421 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,022 We prayed on his insecurities, 422 00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:46,774 and we didn't tell him that he's not dying. 423 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,442 Wait, Steve's not really dying? 424 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,694 Damn! You called in those two dead women 425 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:51,945 I just had sex with. 426 00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:57,951 How can we help Steve? 427 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,708 Steve, it's me. God. 428 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,877 You can't be God. You're black. 429 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,629 Yeah I'm black, what's wrong with that? 430 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:09,797 Uh... nothing. 431 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:10,964 That's right, mother[...]er. 432 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,549 If I weren't God, could I do this? 433 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:15,219 [Gasps] You are God. 434 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,970 I'm sorry I lost my faith, God. 435 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,473 I've done bad things and in three days, 436 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,058 I'll be going straight to hell, huh? 437 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:22,226 Yeah, that's what you deserve, 438 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,560 but I'm here to heal your shit. 439 00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:29,066 Behold the power of God. [Making ray gun noises] 440 00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,318 - You're healed. - Thank you, God. 441 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,821 I... don't feel any different. 442 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,490 - Trust me, you're fine. - How can I ever repay you? 443 00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:37,825 Okay, you know your friend Denzel? 444 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,660 If the cops ask you where he was at last night 445 00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,912 between 7:00 and 8:30, you say he was with you 446 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,997 playing Wii bowling or some shit at your crib. 447 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,165 Now I gots to bounce. 448 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,917 Wait, I need to ask you something. 449 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,754 [Straining] I can't hold this much longer. 450 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,923 [Sighing heavily] What, my son? Make it quick. 451 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,843 Will you give me super-strong robot arms? 452 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:57,678 - No. - Regular strength robot arms? 453 00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:59,263 No! No robot arms! 454 00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,764 - Just the hands? - Hell, no. 455 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,933 - Fair enough, God. - All right, I'm out. 456 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:07,688 - [Grunting] - Oh, my God. It's all a sham! 457 00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:10,274 Steve? Now be cool, man. We're just trying to help. 458 00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:11,859 A fake beard, God? 459 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,443 You have a fake beard? 460 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,195 Why do you mislead us all? 461 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,363 Damn, you stupid. 462 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,785 Well, Malloy, turns out you were the best candidate after all. 463 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,621 And I know that you will make your daddy proud. 464 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,291 And, now that you are an official park ranger, 465 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:29,751 you're authorized to carry this. Please use it responsibly. 466 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,045 Of course. 467 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:37,384 Hey, look! It's the house bear. 468 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,803 Look at that uniform! [Laughs mockingly] 469 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,889 [Gunshots] 470 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,228 [Empty clip ejecting] 471 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,313 [New clip sliding in] 472 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,732 [Gunshots] 473 00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:01,241 - I quit. - Hey, everybody, good news! 474 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,910 I'm not dying anymore! 475 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,329 Now, Woody, I would like my job back. 476 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,999 I plan on being around for a long time. 477 00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,334 That is good news. 478 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:13,086 Because your so-called replacement over here just quit! 479 00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:16,173 I knew you weren't responsible enough to respect a gun. 480 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,175 These things aren't toys, Malloy! 481 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:22,095 "Look at me, I've got a big gun! Doe, tee-doe, tee-doe, tee-doe!" 482 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:24,139 Whoopsie. 483 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:26,350 As if I didn't have enough bullshit, 484 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:27,851 now I've got blood on my wall! 485 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,771 Congratulations, Steven. 486 00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:34,191 I'm glad to tell you, you just squeaked into heaven. 487 00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:36,944 - Who the hell are you? - I am God, my son. 488 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,446 Welcome to my glorious kingdom. 489 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,531 This man is a fraud! 490 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,368 Everyone knows God is black! 491 00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:46,536 You Goddamn God impostor! 492 00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,538 [Grunts] That does it! 493 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:49,790 You just bought yourself 494 00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:51,208 a one-way ticket to hell. 495 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,879 Makes sense. 496 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,381 Ahh!