[Howling]
[Screeching]
Native american news,
your source for news on and off the reservation.
How. Bad news today.
Casino profits down. Liquor prices up.
Offensive native american stereotypes at all-time high.
Now for weather.
Look like sun.
[Warbling]
[Thunder]
Make that rain.
Now for few good news. Go to pale face reporter.
How, chief.
I'm live here at Yellowstone national park,
where a rare white buffalo was born this morning.
Tourists are pouring in to see the adorable animal.
This is just another example of why Yellowstone
is our country's greatest national park.
Son of a bitch!
[Crash]
[Bleep] Technology!
[Grunts] Ha ha!
♪ Brickleberry ♪
Yellowstone! Yellowstone! Hmmph!
They've got a cute animal.
They didn't have 25 campers die in their park this month.
Blah blah blah.
We shouldn't worry about Yellowstone.
We could just make some improvements.
Here's one.
We are done playing second fiddle
to that bastard Yellowstone!
Ah Malloy, if you'de only wear your little birthday present,
I'll bet tourists would flock to see you too.
I bet you like to see my tight ass in that,
you creepy pervert.
Fine. Do you know what we're gonna do?
Drown a homeless man?
No, we're going to find something even more adorable
than their shitty white buffalo.
We shouldn't loit animals for monetary gain
just because Yellowstone is.
I agree with Ethel.
So, who's gonna find me an animal
this dopee tourist can't resist?
Not me. I hate animals.
To be fair, most animals hate black people.
And Mexicans.
Ooh, I would like to volunteer to
find the cutest animal ever.
Shit. Anybody else?
Anybody?
Okay, Steve, just don't screw it up.
Remember when you "volunteered" at the retirement home?
[People screaming]
[Mountain lion roaring]
[Tranquilizer gun firing]
[People groaning]
[Breezy music]
I'll show Woody.
How hard it could be to find a cute animal?
Let's see.
Ugly, fat, too ethnic.
Bingo.
Excuse me, folks.
[Clatter] Official park business.
- Come here, you rascal. - Oh!
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry, Sorry. - Oh! Get away from me!
[Grunts] Almost got it.
Goit it! Luckyly it got caught in your panties.
You folks have a nice day.
Woody is going to love you.
This is the most adorable animal ever.
Aw, look at you.
Aah!
Oh, my God, you are cute!
Which is cuter? I don't know.
The tourist loved the squirrel.
The hiker, God rest her soul, loved the rabbit.
If only I could have both.
But how?
[Inspirational music]
♪ ♪
That's it!
You guys just need to [bleep] each other.
[Playing classical music]
♪ ♪
Okay, enough foreplay.
[Liquid sloshing]
Yes! Work it! Get in balls deep!
Pound it! Pump it!
[Breezy music]
All right, everybody, listen up.
I have an important announcement.
This box I hold before you
contains the cutest animal on the planet.
It's half squirrel, half rabbit.
I call it,
the squabbit!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
So cute, I can't take my eyes off him.
Have you ever seen a cuter animal?
Look at that.
Oh I just want to cuddle him.
It's not that cute.
It's got those taylor swift teeth.
How do you make a squirrel and rabbit to mate?
The same way you get laid.
I dressed the squirrel up like a whore.
Dumbass ho!
Shut your mouth, Denzel.
Listen, this whole thing seems very wrong, Steve.
She's got a point. It's not natural.
It's like a freak of nature or something.
Nah, that one's too easy.
Woody now I know what you're thinking,
but please don't make a spectacle of this poor animal.
I would never do that.
[Stars and stripes forever playing]
♪ ♪
[Keyboard music]
♪ ♪
Wow! 40 million views.
The squabbit is the best idea I've ever had.
Well, actually, I kind of had the idea.
Oh, come on, Steve.
There's this new thing called modesty. You should try it sometime.
Look, I get it.
You want to be a part of team squabbit,
well, I got a special job for you.
Picking up squabbit shit.
Oh it's everywhere. Check under the bed.
Some of it's mine, but most of it's his.
Hey fellow, who likes video games?
[Laughs] Here, you can have Malloy's.
Gotta keep our new star happy and entertained.
What's that F.U. To God doing here?
Who? oh! He lives here.
Oh, now you have a choice to make,
because I'm not gonna sleep
under the same roof as that thing.
[Crickets chirping]
[Warbling]
[Thunder]
[The circle of life plays]
♪ ♪
[Horns honking]
♪ ♪
[Cheering]
Denzel, what the hell are you doing?
I printed some squabbit merchandise to make some extra money.
You can't sell that stuff!
The squabbit is the sole property
of Brickleberry national park.
What? You got child support payments or something?
Man, that's racist.
As a matter of fact, I've been saving up for tickets to the symphony.
- Really? - Nah! I'm just messing with you.
I got child support payments.
[Woody snoring]
Psst! Come here.
I'm the cute guy here.
[Beeps]
[Microwave running]
[Long beeps]
What the...
You won this round, squabbit.
Let's see how you handle, "baked potato!"
[Microwave running]
I don't get it. This worked on Woody's hamster.
[Electric drill running]
Why won't you die?
[Door opens] Huh. It was that easy.
My squabbit. What did you do?
You killed my squabbit!
I did not mean to kill him that time.
Get out of my sight!
You're dead to me, bear cub!
Get out!
Oh, God.
My little squabbit.
[Sobs] Why?
Answer me, God!
Why?
Why do bad things happen to good squabbits?
[Crackling]
[Squeaking]
[Alarm clock beeping]
[Grumbles]
What the? It's a miracle!
Thanks, Jesus.
Baby squabbits?
The lord taketh and then he giveth a shitload.
Hallelujah!
So you woke up and there were six squabbits?
And this all started after Malloy cut the first one in half?
- Exactly! - Where's Malloy?
Oh, he's like my dead wife.
In the woods somewhere.
[Laughs]
What a rapid gestation period.
It must be their mutant dna combin...
[Mocking stammer] Deh-deh-deh! Science!
Shut up!
Ethel's right.
Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?
Yeah, of course you agree with your girlfriend.
I'm not concerned at all.
More squabbits, more tourists.
More tourist more money, right, Denzel?
Where's Denzel?
All right, which one you want?
I got, "I heart squabbits,"
Squabbitude, "rasta squabbits,"
Squabbit pissing on a Jesus fish,
Squabbits [bleep] longer.
What you want? I got it.
Oh, I'll take that one in white.
- Denzel! - Oh, shit!
Aah!
Yo, be cool. It's my boss man.
Look, more squabbits!
We're gonna need extra crowd control for tomorrow.
Uh, that's cool, man.
Yeah, I was just about to give these folks a tour of, um...
That dirt road that's too small for cars.
You mean the hiking trail?
Yeah, the hypersail. Whatever.
Ok. Get back to work then.
[Crunches] Oh! Don't worry, I'll take care of that.
So, let's see, you owe me a 10 for the shirt and 5 for the finger.
[Thud]
Who needs Woody?
I can make it in the forest.
I'm a bear!
[Iphone chimes]
Siri, I need to schedule a hot stone massage.
[Chimes]
[Laughs] Hey there, brother bear.
Looks like I found myself a new friend.
New record. Three seconds, and I already hate you.
Gosh, are you having a bad day or something?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Yes, we do.
Huh.
I always thought that was just an expression.
I hope to God you guys have baby wipes.
Uh, no.
So you just use dry toilet paper?
Now, what the heck is toilet paper?
You are a nasty bastard.
[Guitar music]
♪ ♪
[Birds singing]
[Thwap]
Isn't this great?
We're charging double for admission, and they're paying it!
[Laughs]
Stupid suckers!
[Thud]
Woody, these squabbits have eaten
nearly all the vegetation in the park.
- We have to... - Look at this.
[Toy squeaks] 20 bucks at the gift shop.
- Oh, man, I sell those for 10. - 10?
Overpopulation of one species is a problem, Woody.
[Thud]
Yeah, I know. So is your camel toe.
[Horn honks]
[Ominous music]
I'm standing here with Woody johnson,
creator of the squabbit.
As far as I'm concerned,
there can never be too many squabbits.
And I like you to make love to me,
right now, on the air.
Well, all right.
[Kiss]
Oh! What the...
[Thunderous approach]
You are the smartest man on earth.
[Cheering]
Here's $3 million in pennies.
And a nobel prize.
I know. I'm great! See, Malloy?
I was right, you were wrong. Admit it!
[Crunch]
[Screaming]
Ow!
Aah!
Uhh! I'm okay.
It was just another wet dream.
Aah!
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[Gasps]
♪ ♪
[Screaming]
[Squabbits chittering]
Listen up.
We've got too many Goddamn squabbits!
The tourist can't even get to the gate.
Damn you Steve this was all your stupid idea!
Thank you. It's about time I got a little credit.
I am declaring open season on squabbits!
I want every poucher in the state here
to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate,
Eat, kick, or fist those little bastards.
Or we could just relocate them.
We're going to relocate 'em, all right.
[Gun clicks] To hell!
Everybody grabs some ammo. It's killing time!
Pssh, I'm great at killin' time. Hee hee.
No you can't just kill them.
Yeah, Woody.
Spoken like a couple of dopey liberal broads.
I don't know what bleeds more... your hearts or your parts.
We have to stop that maniac.
How? He doesn't like to be bothered during killing time.
[Dramatic music]
Are you sure that's a good idea?
I mean, it's your idea, so it... It's gotta be good.
You're pretty. What?
I wanna wear your ass like a fake beard.
- What? - Uh, nothing.
[Munching]
[Baby panda sneezes]
Who's ready for dinner?
No way! Honey!
Guys, I'm allergic to bees and I didn't bring my epipen.
Yummy to my bear tummy!
You're having honey for dinner?
It's a Goddamn condiment!
[Gunshot]
[Gunfire in background]
Wow, these things are hard to kill.
We'll see about that.
- Stop in the name of pita! - Oh, great, pita.
- Peta? - No, pita with an "I."
It's a completely different organization.
I don't know what you heard,
but we haven't harmed a single squabbit.
[Funky music]
♪ ♪
What, you like the duds?
I could give you a good deal.
♪ ♪
I knew it!
We forbid you from harming one more squabbit!
And who's gonna stop us?
You and a bunch of picketing pita pussies? Puhh!
Commence operation: Squabbit storm.
[Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries playing]
♪ ♪
You have a whole army?
What do you think we spend our money on?
Starving children? That would be a waste.
[Clicks]
Now, just stay cool.
Nobodys gonna hurt any animals here.
[Crunch]
Hoo! It was just a cockroach.
[Automatic gunfire] Aah!
[Thud]
Nooooo!
Wait, who the hell was that guy?
[Thuds]
You have sin against the animal kingdom, an act punishable by death.
We're park rangers.
Everything we do at this park is to keep animals safe.
[Bleep] Bite that mother!
[Crunch] Whoo! I won!
Give me my Goddamn money.
[Sentimental piano music]
♪ ♪
[Munching]
This ain't that bad. What is this?
A beaver's asshole.
[Vomits]
[Water splashes]
This is a low point.
[Moose bellows]
[Bear roars]
[Moose whimpers]
Thank you. You saved my life.
[Iphone chimes] I do not know how I could repa...
- Hold on. - O-M-F-G. I miss u.
Emoticon sad face.
I never R-O-T-F-L-M-F-A-O anymore.
I less-than sign three you.
If you want to make out, I'm gay if you are.
[Iphone chimes]
No! I mean, if you want to make up, I'm game if you are.
Goddamn autocorrect!
[Suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Okay, you lowlife humans!
Prepare to meet your demise in the most unethical way possible.
Death by cosmetic testing!
What are you gonna do? Put makeup on us?
[Cell door hinges creak]
- Oh, my God! - That was horrible!
Everythings fuzzy. Can you see?
I can't feel my lips.
Oh, it stings. Oh.
I don't think it was that bad.
They shoved lipstick up my Goddamn dick hole!
Me too. Normally I have to pay 50 bucks for that.
All right, it's time to finish you off.
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
I am honored to die to give you sustenance.
I still love you.
Aah!
[Dramatic music]
[Thud]
Now's our chance to get out of here!
Anyone know how to pick a lock?
Allow me.
[Moaning, groaning]
Ah-Ahhhh-Ah.
[Click]
[Dramatic music]
[All grunting]
We'll be safe up here.
Those stupid squabbits can't climb.
What are they doing?
Learning.
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Screw it.
Connie, what are you doing?
I thought you love animals as much as I do!
Uh, not really.
I thought it will make you go down on me.
Uh, I mean, like me.
We can talk about it later.
It didn't kill them!
It didn't kill a single one of them!
They're impenetratable from the outside.
Maybe we need to attack them from the inside.
Like feeding them poisoned food.
They ain't touching those dead bodies.
They only eat living things, like us.
Where are we gonna find a living thing so toxic,
so vile, so afflicted by a disease,
that it could wipe out an entire population?
Hello! Sorry I'm late, guys.
Pamela Anderson? Jackpot!
What's that skinny old man with the tit job doing here?
[Harmonica music]
♪ ♪
[Birds singing]
Winnie the pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.
[Squabbits snarling]
You can do this. You're a bear.
Just remember those jamboree bumpkins taught you
out in the woods.
Grrr-Owwwww.
Okay, who ordered the hot stone massage?
[Sizzling]
[Kiss] Thank you, siri.
That will be $80.
[Lotion sloshing]
So, how are we gonna trick here
into feeding herself to the squabbits?
Can we get through one emergency were you guys don't put on a drag show?
Malloy! Oh, sweet dick eisenhower!
Thank God you're here, little buddy.
Ok. I'm ignoring ziggy stardust.
Somebody else want to tell me what's going on?
I know it's crazy. But hear me out.
We have to kill Pam Anderson because...
- I'm in. - Ok.
We know she's infatuated with cute animals,
but in order for this to work,
we need something extraordinarily cute.
[Singsong] I've got an idea.
[Anchors aweigh playing]
So cute. Need to hug.
♪ ♪
[Squabbits chittering]
Aah!
[Chittering fades]
Oh, Malloy, you did it!
Though we can't forget to thank Steve,
the fat moron who made these things in the first place.
[Fishing line whirrs]
Steve, O-M-F-G!
[Reeling]
[Leaf blower running]
[Runs blower at high speed]
Congratulations, rangers.
Killin' time was a huge success.
All the squabbits are dead.
Well, too bad we don't have an animal
to attract tourists anymore.
Don't worry, Woody.
I've created a much safer animal.
I give you the wolverinigator.
[Chomps]
Ow!
[All shouting]
[Hissing]
Uhh! Oh!
Aah! Don't move!
He smells fear!
Aah!
[Breezy music]
[Typewriter keys clacking]
[Typewriter bell dings]
[Breezy music]
♪ ♪