Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight?
No, I haven't.
I bet it smells like strawberry shortcake.
Mmm...
The majestic Philadelphia eagle.
They're almost extinct, because... [Chainsaw buzzing]
[Gasps] Molloy!
What are you doing?
Ooh, I'm sorry!
Timber.
You may have just wiped out an entire species!
You can't just cut down trees inside of a national...
[Chainsaw buzzing] [Screams]
- [Grunts] - [Grunts]
- [Sniffing] - Whoa.
Smells more like strawberry shit-cake.
[Jaunty music]
- [Crunching] - [Screams]
♪ Brickleberry ♪
All right, rangers.
I've got exciting news.
Oh, let me guess!
Judge Judy is here,
and she buck-ass naked
and horny as hell!
No.
Today's my birthday.
And tonight my annual blow-out party in honor of me!
There will be cake, ice cream, and hookers.
Just like my childhood parties.
Molloy, you worthless son of a bitch!
Hmm, can you speak up? I can't hear you.
You made the mother eagle fly off,
and these eggs are completely cracked.
Luckily, Connie had duct tape on her.
Come to think of it,
Why did you bring duct tape into the forest?
[Nervously] No reason.
Those trees had to go to make room for Woody's birthday party.
Malloy here is planning the whole thing.
You are jeopardizing an endangered species
For your stupid birthday party?
Hey! All the great leaders throw themselves extravagant parties.
Hussein, Gaddafi, Kim Jong-Il,
we all took a page
from Hitler's playbook.
Self aggrandizement is how we reinforce our dominance.
Steve, kiss my ass!
Gladly. Happy birthday, sir.
Mwah!
Di... I didn't mean literally!
But I also didn't say "stop."
Mwah!
That's so degrading.
Of course it's degrading,
it keeps people in line.
Connie! Wish me happy birthday while you choke yourself!
Happy birthday, Woody.
Denzel, you're next.
Suck my [Bleep], mother[Bleep]er.
See, that's...that's black for "happy birthday."
I don't care how many people wish you happy birthday,
none of them mean it.
Well, lucky for me, I don't give a shit.
I'd rather be feared than loved.
Well, I don't fear you or love you.
Come on, eggs, let's get out of here.
[Strained breathing]
It keeps them warm!
Huh. I always thought witches' tits were cold.
I need some fireworks for a birthday party,
and I heard you were the best around.
- [Shouting] Huh? - What?
Yeah, 20 years in the business and not one accident!
You know why?
Hmm, I'm as stumped as you are.
What?
Because I'm all about safety!
[Sizzling]
So what you need, huh?
I got bottle rockets, jumping jacks,
M-80S, cocaine,
I'm firecracker Jim, God damn it! Huh?
No, this is kid stuff.
You have anything bigger?
Hell yeah, I do!
Hold on a minute!
Sold.
You know what I missed?
Uh, fingers?
Yeah.
All right people work faster!
Or work slower,
cause I kinda want to break in this bullwhip.
[Gasps]
Wow.
[Nail gun firing]
Ow!
Jesus Christ! I look like Jesus Christ!
Sorry Steve, I got distracted.
I'll go get a nail claw.
Ow!
- Connie! - Ow...
Stop wasting nails.
Either go for the kill shot, or knock it off.
I know what's goin' on.
You like that girl.
Either that, or you planning to murder her.
I can't tell.
You got those crazy eyes.
Wow.
She's way out of my league.
Don't sell yourself short.
You're just as nasty as she is.
Tell you what, tonight at the party,
Imma help you get that girl.
You'd really do that?
Sure, we're friends.
Now, here's the plan.
At the party, I'll distract her.
You throw her in your trunk.
What?
I don't want to kill her,
I want to date her.
Kill her, date her,
either way, she's getting the gash to the face.
What happened to the wildlife fund?
I tried to get cash for an incubator,
But it was all gone.
Woody said he needed the money.
- For what? - For that.
Ha-Ha!
I feel like a Pharaoh!
You look more like a fat-ho.
Woody, how could you do that?
I am trying to save an endangered species.
Agh, those eagles are endangered
because they're weak.
And I got no respect for weak!
Right, Steve?
[Crashing] Happy birthday!
Thanks! You weak son of a bitch.
Hey, speaking of bitches,
I don't believe Ethel's wished me a happy birthday yet.
- Now say it! - Screw you!
Okay then, you're on... diministrative leave!
What the hell does that mean?
I mean, I am the administrator,
and for you to... well, uh...
[Bleep]Ing leave!
You are a dick, Woody Johnson.
[Whip cracking] Get back to work!
[Screams]
[Overlapping chatter]
[Screaming]
[Glasses clinking]
[Glass and tray clinking]
[Laughing]
Great job on the party little buddy!
So, what's in store for my entertainment?
Well, after the fireworks
Denzel will be performing a magic show.
Magic? I love magic!
[Fireworks booming]
Glorious!
Makes me feel like I'm back in Iraq!
I got to go back there one day.
You know I never finish my necklace made of baby dicks?
Hey, uh... Firecracker Jim,
I think this one's a dud.
Huh? Dud, my ass!
Pour some gasoline on it,
It'll light!
I said light the bengal fire,
then the roman candle, idiot!
I'll do it!
[Fireworks booming]
Now's your chance!
Hi, what can I get you?
Let's play little Dutch boy who saved Holland.
You can stick your finger in the dyke.
Ugh.
Well, that was a disaster.
Man, I thought that was a solid line.
Took me all night to come up with that.
Don't worry. I got a backup plan.
You gonna help me do a magic trick.
She'll love it!
Magic trick?
Why not? You're both lesbians, right?
Ain't nothin' gayer than magic.
When Woody says he doesn't care about these birds, what he's really saying
Is that he doesn't care about me.
Well, screw him!
Now nothing can keep me here!
Steve, can you be a doll and blow into this thing
so I can start my car?
You're drinking again?
[Laughing nervously] What? No.
[Glugging liquor]
[Engine turning over]
Come on, cousin-[bleep]ers.
Let's see the stuff you were saving for the race war.
Preparin' for no race war.
Speak for yourself, Bobby, 'cause I am
He's talkin' about the big finale, numbnuts!
This!
Now I show you how to escape from the handcuffs.
Wow. I didn't know you were a magician.
Magician? I ain't no magician.
I'm just black.
Victor, bravo, foxtrot, tango.
♪ ♪
- [Engine sputtering] - What the...
Wait, I forgot.
Can you blow into this for us?
[Blowing air]
[Engine revving]
[Yelling]
Help...Ethel... help!
Woody! Grab hold!
Slipping... give me your other hand!
I can't! Just pull harder!
God dammit, who's more important,
me or those [bleep]ing eggs?
Whoops, you slipped.
You biiiii...
Iiiii...
You Goddamn bitch!
Oh, my God!
We're marooned on an uncharted desert island!
Steve, we're on the hill by the parking lot.
So, there's...
There's no smoke monster.
Damn it.
Oh, just my luck.
Goes all Katrina,
and I'm handcuffed to the superdome.
No offense.
We lost the key during the flood.
Where's Woody?
He'll know what to do.
Guys, Woody didn't make it.
I did my best to save him, but I guess he was too weak.
And too stupid, and too assholey, and you know, too fat to live.
- Oh, my God! - That's terrible.
Poor guy.
[Splashing]
Malloy, you survived!
Barely. Luckily, I found this pontoon boat.
Anybody hungry?
I'm kidding.
She probably has aids.
Woody's dead.
Oh!
What's for breakfast?
- Aren't you sad at all? - Yeah, I'm sad.
And how I grieve, is by eating breakfast.
What do we gonna do?
We don't have a leader.
Yes, we do.
Woody always said I was second in charge.
Actually, this is what he said.
In the event of my death,
I want Steve to be in charge.
You're all [bleep]ed!
What he said.
I'm the new leader.
We're behind you 100%, Steve.
Ethel, you can't let this happen!
Relax, Denzel, let Steve play leader.
He couldn't be worse than Woody.
Besides, I need to look after these eggs.
Yes!
Trust me, guys, I won't let it go to my head.
Gather 'round, my people,
I am your new king, Steve!
Together, we will create a new society called
Steveistan! No...
Steveland! That's it.
Now, Stevelanders!
I know you are hungry,
so we are all going to forage for food.
That sounds like a lot of work.
The chocolate cowboy is right.
No one makes Jorge forage!
Yeah! Maybe we need a new leader!
How about you?
Why, you remind me of a Kennedy.
Only because you're drunk,
and I saw you drowning a woman earlier.
[Chanting] New leader! New leader...
King Steve sucks!
Wait! I-I-I was kidding!
No one has to work,
just do whatever you want.
[Cheering] No rules!
Hail to the new regime!
Rules can suck my ass off!
My people love me!
Wait, what are you doing?
We gonna get naked
and touch our dick-eyes together.
Yep. Ain't no rules against it.
If I have to be handcuffed to anybody,
I'm glad it's you, Denzel.
That's nice, Connie.
And of everybody I've been handcuffed to,
I'd say you in the top ten.
[Stomach rumbles loudly]
Uh-oh.
Do you think there's a bathroom around here?
Don't even think about it.
Through my [bleep]ing arm.
But it hurts!
Hi, guys.
Hey, it's Trudy!
Um... Hello.
Hey, you're the girl
who used that dyke-finger line on me.
I just got it.
It was hot and clever.
Really?
I knew it was gold!
So, uh...
You wanna hang out today?
Sure I do!
Oh boy, oh boy!
Well, actually, I got other plans...
Hey!
Mmm.
[Slurping]
[Giggling]
[Screaming]
See, citizens?
While you are relaxing on the beach,
your leader has found food.
Help yourselves.
Too sour.
Ugh, too sweet.
Too just right!
Guys, we have limited food so you may wanna...,
I mean, please continue wasting our food
whatever makes you happy.
No one tells Jorge, how to eat apples!
Connie, I want to hear more of your florid words.
[Inaudible whispering] Uh...
Even though your face is heinous,
I'll dive into your mouth like Greg Louganis.
Hell yeah!
Oh, Connie...
Ooh. Normally, I'm a fan of pigs in a blanket.
Ah!
It cheers my heart to see my huddled masses
shivering around the dying fire.
We're cold, ain't no firewood.
But no one wanted to get firewood.
[Chuckling] Of course no one wanted to get firewood.
That goes against everything Steveland stands for.
[Gasps] Oh, God!
They're hatching!
The only two known Philadelphia eagles in existence.
Push! Push, you little orphan bastards!
[Hatchlings chirping]
[Gasping] I'm a mother! Oh!
And my parents said it would never happen after I plaid hide the rolling pin.
I was a curious child.
Great news, everyone.
I found a rowboat washed up on the beach.
That's great, Steve, we're saved!
Hell yeah we are!
I chopped it up into 100 pieces.
Now we'll have firewood for months!
[Cheering]
Hooray for short-term solutions!
I only wish Woody could see me now.
Wherever he is.
♪ ♪
Is anyone out there?
Hello?
Please, I can't be alone with my thoughts.
I hate my thoughts!
Everyone hates you.
You deserve to die alone.
Who said that?
You're not real, damn you!
[Tearfully] You're not real.
We're gonna drive you crazy.
Crazy, crazy...
[Screams]
What was that?
It's the smoke monster.
You know, they really prefer to be called African-American.
Will the defendant please rise?
Done, baby!
Oh! Oh, yeah! right there.
I'm all up, in the judge's tank!
[Snores]
How I like it...ah, that's
I know you do!
[Screams]
It's okay, it's me.
I know it's you, that's why I'm screamin'!
All this time I spent with Connie,
it was your words I fell in love with.
What's going on here?
Call me, lover.
Denzel, how could you?
How could I? She raped me!?
Liar!
She is the one person in the world that liked me,
and you ruined it!
I never want to see you again!
Connie, listen to reason.
At least flip me over, you're road-rashing my dong!
Eat up, my little babies.
You need to grow big and strong to re-populate the species,
because even though you're brother and sister today,
the day will come when I will
force you to be husband and wife.
No shame in that.
No shame in that at all.
Hey, leader!
Uh, we're starving!
Yeah, and this here's the last apple.
Ugh! Too apple.
It's your job to feed us, king dickhead.
Yeah, king dickhead!
Feed us!
Wait, am I still the leader?
I say we eat him.
He looks plump and juicy,
like a thanksgiving rooster!
Hey, hey!
Hold on, fellas.
Cannibalism is illegal and immoral.
But, on the other hand, there are no rules in Steveland.
[Indistinct angry shouting]
No one panic.
I have an idea.
We'll just take the rowboat to civilization,
and get some food.
Steve, you idiot.
You chop up the rowboat.
Okay, I have another idea.
It better not involve a time machine.
I have a third idea!
What?
No!
You can't eat my birds!
No, you misunderstood me.
I'm not gonna eat your birds,
I'm gonna feed your birds...
To people.
There's no way in hell!
These are my babies!
Oh, come on!
That's like saying adopted kids are people's babies.
They're just homeless children people raise to have sex with.
[Indistinct angry shouting]
Enough yip-yap,
And [bleep] 'em. Mm...
Uh...I-I mean, eat 'em.
Denzel, we're meant to be together.
We're soulmates!
Look, girl, we ain't happening.
Although it is pretty cool I flipped a lesbian.
Trudy, he's not that much of a catch.
He hits women.
What? I would never!
[Bursts into tears]
[Grunts] Connie, that's messed...
Don't make me... Ow!
See how you like it.
[Grunting, straining]
[Panting]
Damn.
Ow!
[Baby eagles chirping]
So...
Steve came through, huh?
Here's a thought...
What if we didn't give in to our impulses today,
and waited until these birds had eggs?
Then we'd never run out of food.
[All booing]
You're right, you're right.
There will always be endangered birds to eat.
An entire species wiped out,
Just because Steve is too much of a pussy
to stand up to anyone.
Maybe I should have saved Woody's life.
Woody? He's not dead.
He's on the other side of the island going crazy,
- Like tom hanks in that movie. - Cast away?
No, the one where he thinks Julia Roberts is attractive.
Did I just do a Charlie Wilson's war joke?
You God damn right, I did!
Woody?
[Laughing maniacally]
Woody is dead.
The whispers have named me
Second Lieutenant Leakycheeks!
[Laughing maniacally]
Whoa.
You are nuttier than squirrel shit.
I have never felt more alive.
Leakycheeks!
All thanks to the whispers.
You're welcome.
Now head-butt that tree.
[Grunts] All right.
Why did you do that?
♪ Peanut butter with Jim Belushi ♪
Okay. Here's the thing, psycho.
We need you back.
Steve has taken charge, and everything's a mess.
They're gonna eat my eagles.
[Shouting] Chinese werewolves!
Oh...You can't be serious,
you used to love abusing power!
I have found love.
Love, I'm surrounded by love!
I got Mr. Craby and Rock-Rock.
[Flies buzzing]
And the whispers.
I love you, whispers!
Screw you.
Pull your hair out.
[Screams]
I'm happy here.
[Laughing maniacally]
Fine! Good-Bye, Lieutenant Cheeks.
If you see Woody, tell him happy birthday.
Aw, you don't have to say that shit to Woody anymore.
His tyrant days are over.
I'm not saying it because I have to,
I'm saying it because I want to.
Yes, he was cruel, inconsiderate, racist asswipe,
but deep down, I considered him to be
almost not a complete lowlife piece of shit.
Wow.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know what you're thinking, Woody.
Don't do it.
It's no use, whispers!
I'm a born leader!
Their annoying, P.C.,
holier-than-thou co-workers.
Woody, come on.
Indian burn your ball sack one last time.
Don't go.
It's fun while it lasted.
We want eagle!
Do what you do best, Mr. Possum-Gods!
Hey! No one touches those birds.
Woody? you're alive!
Back down, Steve.
I'm running the show now.
Yes, sir!
Now, just one minute.
Steve is our leader.
And we like it that way because, well,
we can walk all over him.
Yeah, we want Steve!
Really guys, it's fine.
Well, that's great,
but if anyone wants to challenge the leader, we all know
they must fight to the death!
Where are you getting that?
You wrote it in the Steveland constitution.
Damn it!
Woody, kill.
Sounds good to me, whispers!
[Grunts]
Fight, fight, fight, fight...
[Pinecones crunching]
Go get 'em, Steve!
I'm rooting for Woody.
All right. go get 'em, Woody!
I'm rooting for Steve.
That does it!
And you don't believe me.
Save it, Denzel.
Trudy was the one person I could have loved.
She was beautiful,
she was kind...
I raped him.
- See? - And I have chlamydia.
See, I told you... W-W-W-What?
Oh my God what an awful skank!
I should have believed you.
I'm sorry she gave you chlamydia.
Nah, don't worry.
I gave her something way worse.
A baby.
[Grunts]
I'll kill him later.
All hail Woody!
Okay, Woody.
So the new leader.
It doesn't matter,
We're still gonna starve to death.
You people need a lift?
You see Steve? we're saved.
[Eagle screeches]
Time for my babies to leave the nest.
I appreciate you coming with me, Woody.
Well, I can't say I care about these little suckers.
But you do.
And that's good enough for me.
Soar!
I was wrong, Ethel.
Maybe they are strong enough to survive.
I'm firecracker Jim, God...
[Laughing loudly]
Or not.
[Wailing]