You know what I just noticed?
Connie's knees look more like balls
than my balls look like balls.
Oh, my God, they do.
Man, I'm starving.
Being the best park ranger on Earth
can really work up an appetite.
Oh, no!
My leftover chinese food! It's gone!
Steve, if I'da known, I never would have...
And look at that!
Someone drew a mustache
on my ranger of the month picture!
Don't you people understand?
There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!
Yeah, uh, a ghost ate your chinese food.
And drew a mustache on your picture.
And, uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush.
Uh, I mean, uh, what ghost?
I never told you about
the ghost that ruined my childhood?
It all started 25 years ago.
I got up on christmas morning, and there were no presents.
My dad said the ghost stole them.
Then the ghost gambled away my college fund,
backed over my dog,
and gave my mom two black eyes on her birthday.
The ghost did all that, huh?
Yeah, and now he's back.
But this time, I'm gonna get my revenge
and kill that dead son of a bitch!
All right, all right, I don't want to hear
another word about that ghost!
Woody used to be a '70s porn star
Named Rex Erection.
Tell me more about that ghost, Steve.
♪ ♪
Ah-Ah-Aah!
♪ Brickleberry ♪
I was looking through this porn site
Called: Bigblackfurburger.com.
What? I like full bush. I'm a bear.
Anyway, I found this.
♪ ♪
[Doorbell rings]
Just a minute.
Trick or treat.
And what are you supposed to be?
I'm supposed to be [bleep] you.
[Grunts]
[Moaning]
- That's Woody? - Can't be!
If I wasn't gay, I am now.
Ew. There's no way that's him.
Ok baby, it's time to bust ass!
Okay, rangers, it's time to bust ass!
Well, that dried me up.
Woody, what'd you do for a living
before you worked at Brickleberry?
Oh, I had my fingers in this and that.
By this and that, I'm assuming you meant
vaginas and buttholes?
[Moans softly]
Well, I knew this day would come.
Back in the '70s, I made a living
as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.
Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?
Huh? I don't get it.
Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs
You stumble into when you're young
and new to the big city,
and you've got a dishonest pinocchio nose
for a dick!
[Laughs]
Yeah, we noticed.
♪ ♪
Oh, no! It's my husband and his brother!
They just finished playing 18 holes.
I got two more holes you guys can play.
[Grunts]
Gay porn too? So you're gay?
Ew! Hell no! I didn't enjoy it!
It's called acting.
But there's one unanswered question.
Why were those two men playing golf
at night on Halloween?
Connie, I ought to whup your ass.
Woody, why'd you quit?
No, it wasn't my choice.
I was a pornographic pioneer.
The world was at my feet.
I even invented my own signature move...
The Rex Rocket!
[Grunts]
Oh, my God! That was amazing!
I had legions of fans who adored me.
Could you make it out to Duke?
You're my hero, Rex.
I wanna be just like you when I grow up.
What are you? seven? I'm only six.
Six inches? Not enough cable, son.
You'll never make it in porn.
Stay in school. Ohh.
Oh, I was on top of the world
but I flew too close to the sun.
[Snorts] I burned out.
Couldn't do what I, uh, needed to do.
Oh, boy.
I'm...I'm really embarrassed about this, folks.
Well, one minute. Oh, brother.
I'm thinking of everything. Sorry, guys.
I know this seems unprofessional,
But maybe you guys can hit craft service.
Starting to get a tingle.
No! Shit! It's gone! Come on, come on!
My presence in porn films
was reduced to non-sexual character roles,
like the pool boy's boss
and one of the students not kept after class.
It flung me into a deep depression.
[Crying]
[Lid pops]
[Crying]
[Snorts]
Huh? What are all you people doing in my bathroom?
[Thud]
Fortunately, Uncle Sam straightened me out
then I took this job at Brickleberry
and found my true calling do you know what I mean?
Where the hell is everybody?
You see, Malloy,
when a man and a woman really love each other,
or they're being paid and there's a camera there
they have what are called... [Spits]
Relations.
Sometimes that woman can be a man
or a gang of men or a shetland pony.
You following me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You had sex with a horse.
Why didn't you ever tell me you were in porn?
I have always dreamed of getting into porn.
You want to be a porn actor?
Hell, no, they're disgusting.
I want to direct,
like the great storytellers from the golden age of porn,
back when there was an art to exploiting people
and ruining their lives.
Hey, that reminds me. Porn con is this week.
We have to go.
You are a God to tons of sad, lonely, pathetic people.
Oh, sorry, Fuzzywubs.
I have made my peace with porn,
and I'm never going back to that dark place.
What about for 100 bucks an autograph?
Hello, dark place!
Hey--Hey, guys! Break's over.
Wait! It's here. What's here?
My ghost-hunting equipment! Man, that's just a bat!
No, it's a ghost bat.
You can't hit a ghost with a regular bat.
It'd go right through them.
Ghost tape recorder, ghost glasses, ghost-a-meter.
That's a rectal thermometer duct-taped to a tennis racquet.
Steve, how much did you spend on all this crap?
- $800. - What?
Small price to pay for revenge, am i right?
Yeah, uh, Steve, that reminds me.
I have this ghost mop I want to sell you.
Already have one.
Well, this sucks, Malloy.
I can't belive no one wants to meet me.
There's even a line to see the fatties
from Filipino Foot Fetish 5!
♪ ♪ [Camera shutter clicking]
That was a surprisingly solid film, despite the fact
that you didn't realize it was a prequel till the end.
I'm a joke.
I can't believe you talked me into coming here.
My legacy is dead. Cheer up, Woody.
These porn nerds are just cheap.
Autographs now only $10.
$1 autographs.
[Thud]
Okay, no one loves you. Jesus does!
Not after he saw
The Rex Erection IV: Easter [bleep]day.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure
to introduce the biggest porn star in the world,
the God of Rod, the Master Ass Blaster,
the shoo-in for this year's Boney Award,
Duke Dick!
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, those are my moves!
That's my Navajo Chap Slap and my Inverted Clam!
And that's my Mr. Belvedere!
Yo! Duke Dick in the hit zone!
What time is it? It's time to bust ass!
And that's my catchphrase!
Now, who wants to see Duke do his famous move?
The Duke Rocket!
[Cheers and applause]
Stop right there!
Someone get this queen offstage
before the Duke gets filled with rage!
You stole all my moves, asshole!
Asshole? My asshole has won five boney awards!
Show some respect, son!
Oh, I ain't your son, hombre.
I'm Rex [bleep] Erection!
Rex Erection was my hero
Until he told me I'd never make it.
What the... you got a small tool.
Stay in school. Rex.
Well, I showed you.
Now I'm on top, and you're all washed up, old man.
Not for long, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
I don't know. Skype with your grandkids?
No, I'm gonna come out of retirement,
I'm gonna make my own movie, I'm gonna win that boney,
and I'm gonna shove up your award-winning asshole!
Yeah, right.
What director would touch your washed-up white ass?
I will.
Dude, a hairy little woodland creature
can't direct a movie.
Uh, what about Peter Jackson?
Okay, I stand corrected.
All right Malloy, I snorted four lines of levitra.
There's soup in the mushroom! Let's shoot this thing!
Put a pin in that boner. I'm still auditioning actresses.
Connie, bring them in!
Too fat, trucker arms, flat ass. That's a moose.
Christ! Connie!
Bring me some real women with no self-esteem.
Sorry Malloy, I'm just really tired.
I'm really tired too...
Of having a wheezing elephant seal for an assistant.
I never actually asked to be your assistant.
Cannie, don't ever [bleep] backtalk me.
I'm so sorry. Oh, God. what is this now?
Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?
Yes. And, no, you cannot be in it.
I would never be in this movie.
Wait, why can't I be in this movie?
You don't think I have trucker arms, do you?
Is it my nose? [gasps] Are my boobs too small?
You know what? I'm not gonna fall into your little trap.
You put me in this God damn movie!
Put me in!
Malloy, put me in this movie!
Fine, I'm not gonna pay you.
Yes, I'm pretty.
So you're saying the only time the ghost didn't bother you
was during the four weeks your daddy was in jail?
Yeah, I guess he was
too busy framing my dad for all those DUIs.
[Pounding on door]
Ooh, you ordered us a pizza?
No, it's a medium.
So, you ordered yourself a pizza?
No, I got us a medium.
Oh, so we only get three slices a piece?
You at least get some breadsticks or some shit?
No, Denzel, a medium to help us hunt down this ghost.
How's a pizza gonna hunt down a ghost, Steve?
Hi, I'm St... No, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell me about yourself, I'll tell you about yourself.
You like to eat candy. Yes!
You don't have a girlfriend. No!
And you brought me here for some information on...
Some subject.
Oh, my God, yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost.
Where do you think he is?
- Ooh! The graveyard. - I knew it!
Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you?
- This is bullshit! - Oh, a non-believer.
Well, let me go check you in with the other side.
[Gasps]
I'm sensing...
Your grandmother mispronounces words
Like "libary" and "bafroom."
Holy shit!
[Monotone] Can I help you?
I'm the ceo of this sperm bank,
and we are very busy today.
[Stilted] Well, you're going to
get even busier because I need a loan.
Ooh, I can give you a loan. A loan bone.
Cut! The line is "bone loan."
What the hell is a "loan bone"?
I'm having a real problem understanding my character.
He wants to have sex.
Well, what's his motivation? To have sex.
Well, did he have a happy childhood?
Just take off your clothes
and [bleep] her in her [bleep] [bleep].
What? I can't hear you over all the beeps.
Sorry.
I was making taquitos in the microwave.
Can someone check his green card?
And what the hell do you think you're going?
Me? Oh, I'm just gonna go grab lunch
while my, uh, body double steps in.
Wait, you didn't think I was gonna do a nude scene, did you?
If I wanted a shitty actress who wouldn't show her tits,
I would have hired Kevin James.
Oh, I don't have to take this from you, Malloy.
I quit! Oh, no!
How will I ever replace you?
I could just glue two oranges to a mop.
You'll regret this!
Nobody walks out on me, you [bleep]!
I'm sorry.
The shell is warm and crispy,
but the taquito is still cold on the inside.
Steve, you look like a Mexican astronaut.
Thank you, but this is not about how badass I look.
- This is about vengeance. - [Snickers] Okay.
Good luck with that vengeance.
If you need me, I'll be home, sleeping.
Boooo...
Aah! Aah! Aaaah!
You ruined my life, you son of a bitch!
Steve, Steve, hold on! I was just messing with you!
You morphed into Denzel, huh?
You shape-shifting ghost! Whoa, Steve, it's me!
Ask me something only I would know.
What's my last name? I don't [bleep] know.
Oh, thank God, It's you, Denzel.
Man, this is worse than I thought.
You need some therapy, Steve.
The only therapy I need is to kill this ghost.
Steve, there is no...[rustling]
Both: Ghost!
Could we soften this light a little bit?
I don't need or deserve to see every wrinkle on Woody's sac.
If that boom mic gets in the shot one more time,
Whoa-Ho-Ho, we're gonna find out
what the inside of your ass sounds like.
Probably not good.
He ate a whole plate of taquitos.
How did you get back into the country?
Okay, action!
What the hell is this?
I did a bunch of coke
and rewrote the whole script last night.
Just read the cue cards.
[Stilted] Any last requests,
Osama bin laden?
Yes, infidels, I want you to run a train on me
with your seal-team dicks or I'll 69/11 you!
What? This is bullshit, Malloy!
People just want to see the Rex Rocket!
You're right. That was garbage.
I'll rewrite the whole script...
[Snorts]
Right now.
[Typing furiously]
[Robotically] Beep-Boop, beep-boop, beep.
You ordered a pizza from the future?
[Grunts] Cut!
Woody, stop breathing! Robots don't breathe!
This is the 100th take.
Could we stop for a minute? I'm tired.
You're tired?
You've flubbed your lines so many times
that Chastity here is starting to question
her life choices.
I think I might want to go to nursing school.
I'm pretty sure they drug test.
Oh, well. Seriously, something's wrong.
- I am in real pain here. - Great! Use it! Action!
[Thud] [Groans]
That was not in the script!
[Snorts]
But it is now.
[Typing furiously]
You are a very lucky man, Woody.
Everything's going to be fine.
Great! So I can perform?
[Laughs] Of course you can perform...
In stage plays, lifetime original movies,
even blackface minstrel shows.
Just not pornography.
You see, Woody, you're suffering from a rare ailment...
Multiple scrot cysts.
I have multiple sclerosis? Shit!
Oh, heavens no. I wish you did.
I said, "multiple scrot cysts,"
As in multiple cysts in your scrotum.
Each cyst is a little, ticking time bomb.
Every single bounce of your ball bag
Brings you closer to death.
Level with me, doc.
How many thrusts do I have left?
I can't give you an exact number, Woody,
But it's somewhere between, say, 70 and 72.
So...71?
[Laughs]
If only medicine could be that precise.
[Door bangs open]
Aah! Aah! The ghost! He's coming for us.
Grab the ghost bats! Take that, you ghost!
[Overlapping grunts]
Take that!
Kill that ghost! Kill that ghost!
Hah! Aah!
I think we got him!
[Moans]
Oh, no! Connie!
The ghost must have beat her up!
We beat her up, you dumbass!
It was Connie sleepwalking the whole time!
I hate to tell you this, Steve,
But that ghost was just your alcoholic father
beating your mama up on her birthday.
Sorry, I was zoning out.
I didn't hear anything you just said.
Steve, it wasn't a ghost!
It was your dad the whole time!
Damn it. Happened again.
I didn't hear anything after the word "Steve."
You just had a shitty dad!
Sorry, I was holding in a fart.
I give up.
[Squeaky fart]
Denzel, i just realized something.
It was my dad the whole time.
There is no ghost.
[Munching] [Shudders]
[Munching]
Hey, Steve, long time no see.
Remember when I stole your Christmas presents
and made the bank foreclose on your house?
Good times.
Give this to your mom for me.
[Grunts]
I'm sorry, Snugglewubs,
but I just can't do porn anymore.
Doctor's orders.
It kills me more than anyone.
You rest up, Woody. I completely understand.
Besides, I already found your replacement.
Yo, yo, yo, Duke Dick in the father-suckin' house.
Ooh, hell no! I ain't done yet!
It's time to bust ass!
Action!
♪ ♪
[Typing furiously]
♪ ♪
[Typing furiously]
♪ ♪
[Typing furiously]
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, nooo!
[Elephant trumpeting]
All right, Woody, this is your final scene.
Oh, it better be.
This is the 93rd rewrite of this movie...today!
I know you're tired, but nail this shot.
And Rex Erection will never be forgotten again.
Time for the Rex Rocket. You ready?
[Grunts]
It's time to...
[Takes deep breath]
Bust ass!
The Rex Rocket!
[Thud]
[Cheers and applause]
He's dead and still in me!
Gross!
And that's how you direct a snuff film. Perfect!
♪ ♪
The world mourns today
as beloved pornographic film star Rex Erection has died.
A true innovator,
he developed specialized coitus procedures
like the Clam Slam, the Drippy Pickle,
the Nancy Reagan,
and his signature, Rex Rocket.
One thing is for certain...
The legacy of Rex Erection will live on forever.
We now join the boney awards, already in progress.
♪ ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
Here are the porn actors and actresses we lost this year.
And now, to present the boney for best actor,
please welcome flesh devil, the leather-bound midget freak,
and academy award winner Susan Sarandon.
[Applause]
Susan, it is said that a good porn actor
invites the audience to come.
Yes flesh devil, but a great porn actor
also invite the audience to feel.
The boney award for best actor goes to...
Rex Erection!
[Applause]
I'd like to accept this on behalf of Rex Erection.
He wasn't sexy or handsome, he was a horrible actor
but you guys will jerk off to anything.
Thank you. [Applause]
[Grunts] [Audience gasps]
This is bullshit!
Everyone knows Duke is the greatest of all time!
[Thwack] [Groans]
[Thud]
That's not the one I take home, is it?
I can't believe Woody's gone.
Do you have any idea what he left me in his will?
His love. Oh, isn't that sweet?
Hope you rot in hell, cheap old man.
Connie, What happened to you?
Steve said a ghost got me, then Denzel said the ghost left
and there's no use investigating
the situation any further.
Howdy, rangers. it's time to bust ass!
[Gasps] What the...
I faked my own death
So Rex Erection legacy could live on forever.
I wasn't about to let Duke Dick
Steal everything I worked for!
But there was a body in the casket that we buried.
Huh? oh, yeah.
That was some homeless navajo
I found passed out behind quiznos.
What? I gave him 50 bucks.
Sorry we're late. Ghost!
Quick, grab the ghost bats!
[Groans]
Oh!
[Typewriter clacking]
[Bell dings]