1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:04,921
You know
what I just noticed?

2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,464
Connie's knees
look more like balls

3
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:08,383
than my balls
look like balls.

4
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:10,135
Oh, my God, they do.

5
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:11,720
Man, I'm starving.

6
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,013
Being the best
park ranger on Earth

7
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,639
can really work up
an appetite.

8
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,182
Oh, no!

9
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:18,351
My leftover chinese food!
It's gone!

10
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,186
Steve, if I'da known,
I never would have...

11
00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,938
And look at that!

12
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,064
Someone drew a mustache

13
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,649
on my ranger of the month
picture!

14
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:27,068
Don't you people understand?

15
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:30,822
There's only one explanation!
It's the ghost!

16
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,367
Yeah, uh, a ghost
ate your chinese food.

17
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,369
And drew a mustache
on your picture.

18
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:40,623
And, uh, got drunk and took
a shit on your toothbrush.

19
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,377
Uh, I mean,
uh, what ghost?

20
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,462
I never told you about

21
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,213
the ghost that ruined
my childhood?

22
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:49,382
It all started 25 years ago.

23
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,218
I got up on christmas morning,
and there were no presents.

24
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,387
My dad said the ghost stole them.

25
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,973
Then the ghost gambled away
my college fund,

26
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,558
backed over my dog,

27
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,644
and gave my mom two black eyes
on her birthday.

28
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,229
The ghost did all that, huh?

29
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,815
Yeah, and now he's back.

30
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,359
But this time,
I'm gonna get my revenge

31
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,236
and kill that dead
son of a bitch!

32
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,488
All right, all right,
I don't want to hear

33
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:12,614
another word
about that ghost!

34
00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:14,491
Woody used to be
a '70s porn star

35
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:16,076
Named Rex Erection.

36
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,244
Tell me more about
that ghost, Steve.

37
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:21,331
♪ ♪

38
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,125
Ah-Ah-Aah!

39
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:28,797
♪ Brickleberry ♪

40
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,007
I was looking through
this porn site

41
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,551
Called: Bigblackfurburger.com.

42
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:37,972
What? I like full bush.
I'm a bear.

43
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,099
Anyway, I found this.

44
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,433
♪ ♪

45
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,434
[Doorbell rings]

46
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,977
Just a minute.

47
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:46,314
Trick or treat.

48
00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:48,942
And what are you supposed to be?

49
00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:51,903
I'm supposed to be [bleep] you.

50
00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:52,987
[Grunts]

51
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:57,117
[Moaning]

52
00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,702
- That's Woody?
- Can't be!

53
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,205
If I wasn't gay,
I am now.

54
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,666
Ew. There's no way that's him.

55
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,168
Ok baby, it's time to bust ass!

56
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,170
Okay, rangers,
it's time to bust ass!

57
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,880
Well, that dried me up.

58
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,298
Woody, what'd you
do for a living

59
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,800
before you worked
at Brickleberry?

60
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,094
Oh, I had my fingers
in this and that.

61
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,220
By this and that,
I'm assuming you meant

62
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,013
vaginas and buttholes?

63
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,807
[Moans softly]

64
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,350
Well, I knew
this day would come.

65
00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,894
Back in the '70s,
I made a living

66
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:28,523
as a pornographic actor
named Rex Erection.

67
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:31,484
Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough
porn name for you?

68
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,236
Huh? I don't get it.

69
00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,405
Anyhow, porn was just
one of those jobs

70
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:36,990
You stumble into
when you're young

71
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:38,408
and new to the big city,

72
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,660
and you've got
a dishonest pinocchio nose

73
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:41,619
for a dick!

74
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,662
[Laughs]

75
00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:44,497
Yeah, we noticed.

76
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,249
♪ ♪

77
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,252
Oh, no! It's my husband
and his brother!

78
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:52,130
They just finished playing 18 holes.

79
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:56,134
I got two more holes
you guys can play.

80
00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,344
[Grunts]

81
00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:00,513
Gay porn too? So you're gay?

82
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:03,183
Ew! Hell no!
I didn't enjoy it!

83
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,018
It's called acting.

84
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,604
But there's one
unanswered question.

85
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:09,898
Why were those two men
playing golf

86
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,482
at night on Halloween?

87
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:13,693
Connie, I ought
to whup your ass.

88
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,153
Woody, why'd you quit?

89
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:18,114
No, it wasn't my choice.

90
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,074
I was
a pornographic pioneer.

91
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,868
The world was at my feet.

92
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,287
I even invented
my own signature move...

93
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,539
The Rex Rocket!

94
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,166
[Grunts]

95
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,710
Oh, my God!
That was amazing!

96
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:34,255
I had legions of fans
who adored me.

97
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,216
Could you make it out to Duke?

98
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,425
You're my hero, Rex.

99
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,552
I wanna be just like you
when I grow up.

100
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,679
What are you? seven?
I'm only six.

101
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,556
Six inches?
Not enough cable, son.

102
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,183
You'll never make it
in porn.

103
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,143
Stay in school.
Ohh.

104
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,645
Oh, I was on top
of the world

105
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,480
but I flew too close
to the sun.

106
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,315
[Snorts]
I burned out.

107
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,276
Couldn't do what I, uh,
needed to do.

108
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,278
Oh, boy.

109
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,239
I'm...I'm really embarrassed
about this, folks.

110
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,282
Well, one minute.
Oh, brother.

111
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:05,536
I'm thinking of everything.
Sorry, guys.

112
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,080
I know this seems
unprofessional,

113
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:10,250
But maybe you guys
can hit craft service.

114
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,168
Starting to get a tingle.

115
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:16,256
No! Shit! It's gone!
Come on, come on!

116
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,757
My presence in porn films

117
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,135
was reduced to non-sexual
character roles,

118
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,263
like the pool boy's boss

119
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:26,516
and one of the students
not kept after class.

120
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,060
It flung me into
a deep depression.

121
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:32,146
[Crying]

122
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,731
[Lid pops]

123
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,275
[Crying]

124
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,609
[Snorts]

125
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,947
Huh? What are all you people
doing in my bathroom?

126
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:41,990
[Thud]

127
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,534
Fortunately, Uncle Sam
straightened me out

128
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,202
then I took this job at Brickleberry

129
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,205
and found my true calling
do you know what I mean?

130
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,708
Where the hell is everybody?

131
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:55,420
You see, Malloy,

132
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,714
when a man and a woman
really love each other,

133
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,924
or they're being paid
and there's a camera there

134
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,343
they have what are called...
[Spits]

135
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,720
Relations.

136
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,722
Sometimes that woman
can be a man

137
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,683
or a gang of men
or a shetland pony.

138
00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:10,351
You following me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

139
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,853
You had sex with a horse.

140
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,229
Why didn't you ever tell me
you were in porn?

141
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:16,607
I have always dreamed
of getting into porn.

142
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,484
You want to be
a porn actor?

143
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,485
Hell, no, they're disgusting.

144
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:20,862
I want to direct,

145
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:22,822
like the great storytellers
from the golden age of porn,

146
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,533
back when there was an art
to exploiting people

147
00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:26,534
and ruining their lives.

148
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:27,618
Hey, that reminds me.
Porn con is this week.

149
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,412
We have to go.

150
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:33,499
You are a God to tons of sad,
lonely, pathetic people.

151
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,501
Oh, sorry, Fuzzywubs.

152
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,754
I have made my peace with porn,

153
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,964
and I'm never going back
to that dark place.

154
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,591
What about for 100 bucks
an autograph?

155
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,677
Hello, dark place!

156
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,848
Hey--Hey, guys!
Break's over.

157
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,933
Wait! It's here.
What's here?

158
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:54,270
My ghost-hunting equipment!
Man, that's just a bat!

159
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,105
No, it's a ghost bat.

160
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,940
You can't hit a ghost
with a regular bat.

161
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,400
It'd go right through them.

162
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:03,112
Ghost tape recorder,
ghost glasses, ghost-a-meter.

163
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,199
That's a rectal thermometer
duct-taped to a tennis racquet.

164
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:08,159
Steve, how much did you
spend on all this crap?

165
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:09,786
- $800.
- What?

166
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,413
Small price to pay
for revenge, am i right?

167
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,999
Yeah, uh,
Steve, that reminds me.

168
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,793
I have this ghost mop
I want to sell you.

169
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,628
Already have one.

170
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,675
Well, this sucks,
Malloy.

171
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,844
I can't belive no one
wants to meet me.

172
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,388
There's even a line
to see the fatties

173
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,765
from Filipino Foot Fetish 5!

174
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:34,227
♪ ♪
[Camera shutter clicking]

175
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:37,105
That was a surprisingly
solid film, despite the fact

176
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,066
that you didn't realize
it was a prequel till the end.

177
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,192
I'm a joke.

178
00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,569
I can't believe you
talked me into coming here.

179
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,280
My legacy is dead.
Cheer up, Woody.

180
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:48,032
These porn nerds
are just cheap.

181
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,284
Autographs now
only $10.

182
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,205
$1 autographs.

183
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:55,665
[Thud]

184
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:58,209
Okay, no one loves you.
Jesus does!

185
00:06:58,292 --> 00:06:59,877
Not after he saw

186
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,546
The Rex Erection IV:
Easter [bleep]day.

187
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:04,215
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my pleasure

188
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,510
to introduce the biggest
porn star in the world,

189
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,680
the God of Rod,
the Master Ass Blaster,

190
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,141
the shoo-in for this year's
Boney Award,

191
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,685
Duke Dick!

192
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,812
[Cheers and applause]

193
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:20,064
Hey, those are my moves!

194
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:24,277
That's my Navajo Chap Slap
and my Inverted Clam!

195
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,863
And that's my Mr. Belvedere!

196
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,532
Yo! Duke Dick
in the hit zone!

197
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:33,327
What time is it?
It's time to bust ass!

198
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,997
And that's
my catchphrase!

199
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,875
Now, who wants to see Duke
do his famous move?

200
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,168
The Duke Rocket!

201
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:44,172
[Cheers and applause]

202
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:45,381
Stop right there!

203
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,841
Someone get
this queen offstage

204
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,926
before the Duke
gets filled with rage!

205
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,971
You stole all my moves, asshole!

206
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:55,725
Asshole? My asshole has won
five boney awards!

207
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,226
Show some respect, son!

208
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,604
Oh, I ain't your son,
hombre.

209
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:01,230
I'm Rex [bleep] Erection!

210
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,024
Rex Erection
was my hero

211
00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:05,443
Until he told me
I'd never make it.

212
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:08,488
What the...
you got a small tool.

213
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,032
Stay in school.
Rex.

214
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,074
Well, I showed you.

215
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,161
Now I'm on top, and you're
all washed up, old man.

216
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,955
Not for long, 'cause you
know what I'm gonna do?

217
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,874
I don't know.
Skype with your grandkids?

218
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,084
No, I'm gonna
come out of retirement,

219
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,129
I'm gonna make my own movie,
I'm gonna win that boney,

220
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:28,424
and I'm gonna shove up
your award-winning asshole!

221
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,383
Yeah, right.

222
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,136
What director would touch
your washed-up white ass?

223
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,179
I will.

224
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:35,264
Dude, a hairy
little woodland creature

225
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,349
can't direct a movie.

226
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,267
Uh, what about
Peter Jackson?

227
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,269
Okay,
I stand corrected.

228
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,276
All right Malloy,
I snorted four lines of levitra.

229
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,278
There's soup in the mushroom!
Let's shoot this thing!

230
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,032
Put a pin in that boner.
I'm still auditioning actresses.

231
00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,784
Connie, bring them in!

232
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:58,412
Too fat, trucker arms,
flat ass. That's a moose.

233
00:08:58,496 --> 00:08:59,622
Christ! Connie!

234
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,625
Bring me some real women
with no self-esteem.

235
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,378
Sorry Malloy, I'm just really tired.

236
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:06,712
I'm really tired too...

237
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,215
Of having a wheezing
elephant seal for an assistant.

238
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:12,426
I never actually asked
to be your assistant.

239
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,971
Cannie, don't ever [bleep] backtalk me.

240
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,640
I'm so sorry.
Oh, God. what is this now?

241
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,726
Do you have any idea
how demeaning this is to women?

242
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,647
Yes. And, no,
you cannot be in it.

243
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:27,191
I would never be in
this movie.

244
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,235
Wait, why can't I
be in this movie?

245
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:32,154
You don't think I have
trucker arms, do you?

246
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,157
Is it my nose? [gasps]
Are my boobs too small?

247
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,619
You know what? I'm not gonna
fall into your little trap.

248
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,455
You put me in this God damn movie!

249
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,332
Put me in!

250
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,835
Malloy, put me in this movie!

251
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,545
Fine, I'm not gonna pay you.

252
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,088
Yes, I'm pretty.

253
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,801
So you're saying the only time
the ghost didn't bother you

254
00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:55,720
was during the four weeks
your daddy was in jail?

255
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,054
Yeah, I guess he was

256
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,140
too busy framing my dad
for all those DUIs.

257
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:00,683
[Pounding on door]

258
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:01,642
Ooh, you ordered us
a pizza?

259
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:02,810
No, it's a medium.

260
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:03,936
So, you ordered yourself
a pizza?

261
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,563
No, I got us a medium.

262
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,356
Oh, so we only get
three slices a piece?

263
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,191
You at least get some breadsticks
or some shit?

264
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,069
No, Denzel, a medium
to help us hunt down this ghost.

265
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,071
How's a pizza gonna
hunt down a ghost, Steve?

266
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,407
Hi, I'm St...
No, no, no, no, no.

267
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:19,785
Don't tell me about yourself,
I'll tell you about yourself.

268
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:23,831
You like to eat candy.
Yes!

269
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:26,375
You don't have a girlfriend.
No!

270
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,170
And you brought me here
for some information on...

271
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,880
Some subject.

272
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,425
Oh, my God, yes!
I'm looking for an evil ghost.

273
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,469
Where do you think he is?

274
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:39,263
- Ooh! The graveyard.
- I knew it!

275
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,098
Steve, can't you see
this woman's playing you?

276
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,267
- This is bullshit!
- Oh, a non-believer.

277
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,186
Well, let me go check you in
with the other side.

278
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:46,145
[Gasps]

279
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,396
I'm sensing...

280
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,023
Your grandmother
mispronounces words

281
00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:50,816
Like "libary"
and "bafroom."

282
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,027
Holy shit!

283
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:55,946
[Monotone]
Can I help you?

284
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,573
I'm the ceo
of this sperm bank,

285
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,949
and we
are very busy today.

286
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,368
[Stilted]
Well, you're going to

287
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:03,996
get even busier
because I need a loan.

288
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,248
Ooh, I can give you a loan.
A loan bone.

289
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,292
Cut!
The line is "bone loan."

290
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,127
What the hell is a "loan bone"?

291
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,880
I'm having a real problem
understanding my character.

292
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:15,132
He wants to have sex.

293
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,636
Well, what's his motivation?
To have sex.

294
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:19,970
Well, did he have
a happy childhood?

295
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,847
Just take off
your clothes

296
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,975
and [bleep] her
in her [bleep] [bleep].

297
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,353
What? I can't hear you
over all the beeps.

298
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:29,897
Sorry.

299
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:33,150
I was making taquitos
in the microwave.

300
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,902
Can someone
check his green card?

301
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,987
And what the hell do you think
you're going?

302
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,031
Me? Oh, I'm just gonna
go grab lunch

303
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,367
while my, uh,
body double steps in.

304
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:44,453
Wait, you didn't think I was
gonna do a nude scene, did you?

305
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,163
If I wanted a shitty actress
who wouldn't show her tits,

306
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,915
I would have hired
Kevin James.

307
00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:49,500
Oh, I don't have to
take this from you, Malloy.

308
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,378
I quit!
Oh, no!

309
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,171
How will I ever
replace you?

310
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,340
I could just glue two oranges
to a mop.

311
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,842
You'll regret this!

312
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,386
Nobody walks out on me,
you [bleep]!

313
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:01,804
I'm sorry.

314
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,681
The shell is warm
and crispy,

315
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:06,976
but the taquito
is still cold on the inside.

316
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:12,857
Steve, you look like
a Mexican astronaut.

317
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,943
Thank you, but this is not
about how badass I look.

318
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:18,195
- This is about vengeance.
- [Snickers] Okay.

319
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,697
Good luck
with that vengeance.

320
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,032
If you need me,
I'll be home, sleeping.

321
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,994
Boooo...

322
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,371
Aah! Aah!
Aaaah!

323
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,373
You ruined my life,
you son of a bitch!

324
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,168
Steve, Steve, hold on!
I was just messing with you!

325
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,961
You morphed
into Denzel, huh?

326
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,881
You shape-shifting ghost!
Whoa, Steve, it's me!

327
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,716
Ask me something
only I would know.

328
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,718
What's my last name?
I don't [bleep] know.

329
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:41,969
Oh, thank God,
It's you, Denzel.

330
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,512
Man, this is worse
than I thought.

331
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,014
You need some therapy, Steve.

332
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,725
The only therapy I need
is to kill this ghost.

333
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:50,853
Steve, there is no...[rustling]

334
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:53,981
Both: Ghost!

335
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,069
Could we soften this light
a little bit?

336
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:03,073
I don't need or deserve to see
every wrinkle on Woody's sac.

337
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,867
If that boom mic gets
in the shot one more time,

338
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,161
Whoa-Ho-Ho,
we're gonna find out

339
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,746
what the inside of your ass
sounds like.

340
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,122
Probably not good.

341
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,125
He ate a whole plate
of taquitos.

342
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,878
How did you get back into the country?

343
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,463
Okay, action!

344
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:18,839
What the hell is this?

345
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,132
I did a bunch of coke

346
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,091
and rewrote the whole script
last night.

347
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,761
Just read the cue cards.

348
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,596
[Stilted]
Any last requests,

349
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,473
Osama bin laden?

350
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:30,559
Yes, infidels, I want you
to run a train on me

351
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,938
with your seal-team dicks
or I'll 69/11 you!

352
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:36,440
What?
This is bullshit, Malloy!

353
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,776
People just want to see
the Rex Rocket!

354
00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:40,194
You're right.
That was garbage.

355
00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:41,362
I'll rewrite the whole script...

356
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:42,363
[Snorts]

357
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,614
Right now.

358
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:47,326
[Typing furiously]

359
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:51,580
[Robotically]
Beep-Boop, beep-boop, beep.

360
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,542
You ordered a pizza
from the future?

361
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,377
[Grunts]
Cut!

362
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:59,630
Woody, stop breathing!
Robots don't breathe!

363
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,424
This is the 100th take.

364
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,553
Could we stop for a minute?
I'm tired.

365
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:06,470
You're tired?

366
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,430
You've flubbed your lines
so many times

367
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:09,431
that Chastity here
is starting to question

368
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,766
her life choices.

369
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,102
I think I might want to go
to nursing school.

370
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,520
I'm pretty sure
they drug test.

371
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:17,356
Oh, well.
Seriously, something's wrong.

372
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:21,068
- I am in real pain here.
- Great! Use it! Action!

373
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,987
[Thud]
[Groans]

374
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:24,613
That was not
in the script!

375
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,614
[Snorts]

376
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,241
But it is now.

377
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:30,703
[Typing furiously]

378
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,498
You are a very lucky man, Woody.

379
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,125
Everything's going to be fine.

380
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,501
Great!
So I can perform?

381
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,004
[Laughs]
Of course you can perform...

382
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,381
In stage plays,
lifetime original movies,

383
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,466
even blackface
minstrel shows.

384
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,051
Just not pornography.

385
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,888
You see, Woody, you're suffering
from a rare ailment...

386
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,431
Multiple scrot cysts.

387
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:52,933
I have multiple sclerosis?
Shit!

388
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:54,518
Oh, heavens no.
I wish you did.

389
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,478
I said,
"multiple scrot cysts,"

390
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:59,356
As in multiple cysts
in your scrotum.

391
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,400
Each cyst is a little,
ticking time bomb.

392
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,193
Every single bounce
of your ball bag

393
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,987
Brings you
closer to death.

394
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,280
Level with me, doc.

395
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,866
How many thrusts
do I have left?

396
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:10,993
I can't give you
an exact number, Woody,

397
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:14,496
But it's somewhere between,
say, 70 and 72.

398
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,875
So...71?

399
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,335
[Laughs]

400
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:22,212
If only medicine could be that precise.

401
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,217
[Door bangs open]

402
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,471
Aah! Aah! The ghost!
He's coming for us.

403
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:33,057
Grab the ghost bats!
Take that, you ghost!

404
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,516
[Overlapping grunts]

405
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,893
Take that!

406
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:37,519
Kill that ghost!
Kill that ghost!

407
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,104
Hah!
Aah!

408
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,522
I think we got him!

409
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,566
[Moans]

410
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,026
Oh, no!
Connie!

411
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,319
The ghost must have beat her up!

412
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,321
We beat her up,
you dumbass!

413
00:15:47,404 --> 00:15:49,073
It was Connie sleepwalking
the whole time!

414
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,491
I hate to tell you this,
Steve,

415
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,910
But that ghost
was just your alcoholic father

416
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,370
beating your mama up
on her birthday.

417
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,998
Sorry,
I was zoning out.

418
00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,375
I didn't hear anything
you just said.

419
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,460
Steve, it wasn't a ghost!

420
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,420
It was your dad
the whole time!

421
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,924
Damn it.
Happened again.

422
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,258
I didn't hear anything
after the word "Steve."

423
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:12,096
You just had
a shitty dad!

424
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,432
Sorry, I was
holding in a fart.

425
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,475
I give up.

426
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:22,106
[Squeaky fart]

427
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:24,900
Denzel, i just
realized something.

428
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,652
It was my dad
the whole time.

429
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,445
There is no ghost.

430
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,697
[Munching]
[Shudders]

431
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:30,614
[Munching]

432
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,992
Hey, Steve, long time no see.

433
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,743
Remember when I stole
your Christmas presents

434
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,121
and made the bank
foreclose on your house?

435
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,622
Good times.

436
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,040
Give this to your mom for me.

437
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,000
[Grunts]

438
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,298
I'm sorry,
Snugglewubs,

439
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,801
but I just can't
do porn anymore.

440
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,219
Doctor's orders.

441
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:53,303
It kills me
more than anyone.

442
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,806
You rest up, Woody.
I completely understand.

443
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,850
Besides, I already
found your replacement.

444
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:02,021
Yo, yo, yo, Duke Dick
in the father-suckin' house.

445
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,816
Ooh, hell no!
I ain't done yet!

446
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:08,068
It's time to bust ass!

447
00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:09,653
Action!

448
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:11,321
♪ ♪

449
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,073
[Typing furiously]

450
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,992
♪ ♪

451
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,827
[Typing furiously]

452
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,996
♪ ♪

453
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,290
[Typing furiously]

454
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,792
No, no, no, no, no, no!

455
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,003
No, no, no, nooo!

456
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:29,173
[Elephant trumpeting]

457
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,426
All right, Woody,
this is your final scene.

458
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,761
Oh, it better be.

459
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:37,473
This is the 93rd rewrite
of this movie...today!

460
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,641
I know you're tired, but nail this shot.

461
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,020
And Rex Erection will never
be forgotten again.

462
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:45,898
Time for the Rex Rocket.
You ready?

463
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:47,900
[Grunts]

464
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:48,984
It's time to...

465
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,694
[Takes deep breath]

466
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:51,945
Bust ass!

467
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,907
The Rex Rocket!

468
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:55,949
[Thud]

469
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,868
[Cheers and applause]

470
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,829
He's dead and still in me!

471
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,872
Gross!

472
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,584
And that's how you direct
a snuff film. Perfect!

473
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,795
♪ ♪

474
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,713
The world mourns today

475
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,884
as beloved pornographic
film star Rex Erection has died.

476
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,928
A true innovator,

477
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,472
he developed specialized
coitus procedures

478
00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:22,226
like the Clam Slam,
the Drippy Pickle,

479
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,602
the Nancy Reagan,

480
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,647
and his signature, Rex Rocket.

481
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:27,856
One thing is for certain...

482
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:31,527
The legacy of Rex Erection
will live on forever.

483
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:35,948
We now join the boney awards,
already in progress.

484
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:37,116
♪ ♪

485
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,617
Ladies and gentlemen,

486
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:42,496
Here are the porn actors
and actresses we lost this year.

487
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,320
And now, to present the boney
for best actor,

488
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,324
please welcome flesh devil,
the leather-bound midget freak,

489
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,452
and academy award winner
Susan Sarandon.

490
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,038
[Applause]

491
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,333
Susan, it is said
that a good porn actor

492
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,377
invites the audience
to come.

493
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,172
Yes flesh devil, but a great porn actor

494
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,425
also invite the audience to feel.

495
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:40,804
The boney award
for best actor goes to...

496
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,347
Rex Erection!

497
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:46,310
[Applause]

498
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:49,229
I'd like to accept this
on behalf of Rex Erection.

499
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,191
He wasn't sexy or handsome,
he was a horrible actor

500
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,443
but you guys will
jerk off to anything.

501
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:55,694
Thank you.
[Applause]

502
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:56,695
[Grunts]
[Audience gasps]

503
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,363
This is bullshit!

504
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,157
Everyone knows Duke
is the greatest of all time!

505
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,366
[Thwack]
[Groans]

506
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:02,618
[Thud]

507
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:04,286
That's not the one
I take home, is it?

508
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,958
I can't believe
Woody's gone.

509
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,793
Do you have any idea
what he left me in his will?

510
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,588
His love.
Oh, isn't that sweet?

511
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,507
Hope you rot in hell,
cheap old man.

512
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:20,802
Connie,
What happened to you?

513
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,597
Steve said a ghost got me,
then Denzel said the ghost left

514
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:24,640
and there's no use
investigating

515
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,642
the situation any further.

516
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:29,645
Howdy, rangers.
it's time to bust ass!

517
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:30,896
[Gasps]
What the...

518
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:32,522
I faked my own death

519
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:35,442
So Rex Erection legacy
could live on forever.

520
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:36,735
I wasn't
about to let Duke Dick

521
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:38,612
Steal everything
I worked for!

522
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:41,406
But there was a body
in the casket that we buried.

523
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,033
Huh? oh, yeah.

524
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,493
That was
some homeless navajo

525
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,495
I found passed out
behind quiznos.

526
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,956
What?
I gave him 50 bucks.

527
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:51,333
Sorry we're late.
Ghost!

528
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,668
Quick, grab the ghost bats!

529
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:55,837
[Groans]

530
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,256
Oh!

531
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,679
[Typewriter clacking]

532
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,055
[Bell dings]