(siren wails)
License and regis... tration.
Here you go, Rangers.
Ugh.
I, uh... I...
Excuse us, Ma'am.
-Oh, shit. Did you see how ug... -Beautiful she is?
-Yeah. -Beautiful?
Steve, she looks just like you, but with smaller titties.
Keep it in your pants, Denzel. I saw her first.
Oh, did I hit something?
Only my heart with your arrow of love.
And also all these animals.
(groans) Help me.
Sorry, I was just reading a book. I get so bored when I drive.
Viggo Mortensen and lasagna? My two favorite things!
Hi. I'm Steve Williams.
Ranger of the month. I'm sure you've heard of me.
I'm ranger of the month. Steve Williams.
I'm Stephanie Bridges. I teach at Hazelhurst Elementary.
I would love to have a big, powerful ranger
come and speak to my class sometime.
A Power Ranger? I want to see that.
A Power Ranger is speaking to my class?
I didn't know about that. Awesome.
If these mother(bleep) have a baby, I'm hitting that bitch with a brick.
(theme music playing)
Aah!
♪ Brickleberry! ♪
Thanks for helping me with computer dating, Connie.
-You're such a good friend. -I'd do anything for you, Ethel.
-I know. -Anything.
Uh, yeah. Got it.
-Anything. -Got it!
No. No, seriously.
-Anyth... -I know! God, I hope this works.
Why do I have such bad luck with men?
Maybe you've just been dating the wrong people.
What? Don't be silly.
And that's why I worship Satan.
(laughs) Kidding.
I'd love to make a hammock out of your skin.
(singing) ♪ I like vagina ♪
Hmm.
Is this kosher?
Ugh, you're right.
My sister has the perfect marriage,
and I'm on the Internet playing date rape roulette.
Oh, you mean Craigslist.
Hey, wait. This guy seems perfect.
Strong, passionate, wants a family.
-Willing to do anything. -(mouths silently)
-Anything. Anything. -(mouths silently)
Wait a minute. It's you.
(chuckles nervously) How'd that get on there?
Isn't that hilarious?
I mean, I thought it was someone perfect for me,
and it was just you. (laughs)
Yeah. That's hilarious.
I'll be right back.
ETHEL: Connie, I really need you.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Ugh!
Ow.
Look at this guy. He's handsome, he owns a car.
Oh, and look. Only two roommates, his mother and father.
And he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant.
(sneezes)
You know, that reminds me.
I'm hitting the age where I'd like to have kids.
Yeah, I like hitting kids too.
Who do I gotta (bleep) up the ass to get some corn bread?
(munches)
So the bride gives birth as I'm banging her.
(laughs)
That counts as a threesome, right?
You're late on your child support payments, Ken.
What? I don't even know you.
Tell Alopecia daddy said happy birthday.
You know what? I'm out of here!
Baby, baby. I'm sorry. I just made that up to impress you.
Can we start over? I'll treat you the way you deserve.
Hurry up. I'm harder than Chinese math.
-Sit on my penis. -MOM: What's that, Ken?
Shut up, ma! I'm about to get some!
Oh. Oh, baby.
I'm gonna make love to you all ni...
I... ah... ah...
Ech... eek... agh. Ugh.
Okay, I'm done.
-Can I at least get a ride home? -Jeez, fine.
Mom!
Give her a ride home!
I am a...
(stammers) Pa... pa... park...
What the hell are you two idiots up to?
We've had three snake attacks, a camper vandalized a moose,
and I found a human head in the fire pit!
Did you say "human"? Aw, I was hoping it was Connie's.
I'm gonna kill you one day, Malloy.
-What? -Uh, nothing.
Guys, could you keep it down?
I'm trying to practice my speech for Stephanie's school.
Good morning, boys and girls.
-My name is... -Hanukkah Jizz Tonsil?
Yes. My name is Hanukkah Jizz Tonsil.
Wait. No, it's not.
Wait. Is it? Shoot.
He's awful at literally everything.
(sighs) I am a park ra...
(retches)
-I think the kids are gonna love it. -Sorry I'm late.
-Ugh, we hear that once a month. -So how did it go last night?
Typical. We had soup, and he spooged in his pants.
(cell phone rings)
Hello? Lucy!
(whispers) It's my bitch sister.
It's been years. How are you?
I've... I've been meaning to call you.
Just traveling with the family on Al Pacino's private jet.
Our son, Randy, is going to be in Al's next movie.
-Oh, wow. That's... -And then, of course, my husband, Hubert.
He just sold his business,
so now we're in the market for a new island.
We were going to buy Haiti, but it's too much of a fixer-upper.
Speaking of poor black people, how are you?
Oh, I'm married with a great family too! (gasps)
You have a family?
Did you bite a hole in the condom or have a five-guy cream pie?
Just kidding. I can't wait to meet them.
We're turning this plane around. We're coming to see you.
Oh, no, no. Don't! Uh, uh... don't... don't do that.
-(dial tone beeps) -Oh, my God!
-(cell phone rings) -Lucy, listen. I...
Nah, it's Ken. Sorry about last night.
Why don't you come over now and I'll make it up to you?
I'll bend you over and...
Ah, ah, ah, ah... oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ugh!
Okay, done. No need to come over.
(cell phone beeps)
(moans)
And that's what it means to be a Park Ranger.
(children cheer)
(school bell rings)
That was great, Steve.
I want to thank you.
What are you waiting for, Power Ranger?
Go ahead, Steve. Stick it in me.
-Ah... -Aah! Oh, my God.
(panting)
I was having the best dream!
I am so screwed.
My sister and her husband
are on their way to Brickleberry right now.
I didn't know you had a sister.
That's because I've been trying to wish her out of my life.
Psst. Hey, Ethel. For 100 bucks, I can make that wish come true.
It's been a while since I fed my dark passenger.
So anyway, my sister makes me crazy.
I mean, our whole lives, she's always had it better than me.
Congratulations. You're the parents of a perfect, beautiful baby girl.
And this thing. Uh, should I toss it?
-(unicorn neighs) -What could we do? Santa loves her more.
-You look beautiful, Lucy. -(camera shutter clicks)
(singing) ♪ I like vagina ♪
Oh, she's on her way. What am I gonna do?
I know. One of you could pose as my husband.
-Woody? -No!
-Steve? -Sorry. Already in love.
(sighs) Where am I gonna find a husband?
Racist bitch. Treating me like I'm a Mexican or something.
Where am I gonna find a husband?
(gasps) Ugh! And I need a kid.
ETHEL: Hey! Psst. Little boy.
Do you want some candy?
Gotcha!
(screams) Help, daddy!
Get away from my kid! What's the matter with you?
I want your son. Bad!
I've got money!
No! Wait! You can join in and play my husband!
(crying) Please.
That's good to see you're dating again.
STEVE: Welcome to Brickleberry Park.
Thank you.
It's so nice they hire the mentally challenged.
Not really. I hate them.
Oh, my God, they're here.
What?
MALLOY: Aah! No! No!
No, what are you doing?
-(razor buzzes) -Get away from me!
Help! Oh!
(knock on door)
Ethel. Oh, my God. It's so nice to see you.
This must be my nephew.
-You are dead. -Ugh!
(grunting)
(laughs) Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.
I am gonna (bleep) claw your eyes out!
Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.
I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal.
And he has such colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD.
Ow! Go play, honey.
-(glass shatters) -MALLOY: Oh!
Uh, okay.
Now where's that husband you were telling me so much about?
Uh, yeah. He's, um... uh...
-I'm right here, honey. -(muffled speech)
Hi, I'm Conner.
Ethel's loving husband.
(muffled screaming)
(slaps)
Well, I see Malloy's calmed down quite a bit.
That's our Malloy. Playful one minute, a perfectly well-behaved child the next.
(groans)
I can hear my blood.
He's hypoglycemic.
So, Conner, what do you do for a living?
-Brain surgeon. -Gynecologist for supermodels.
Well, which is it?
You do brain surgery on gynecologists
or gynecology on supermodel brain surgeons?
I build robots.
So how about those packers this week?
Packers? Football season doesn't start for five months.
I know. I was talking about the, uh...
Fudge-packers.
Stupid homos want to get married. Am I right?
(forced laugh)
Conner! Isn't it time to get Malloy to school?
Like, right now? It's a school for the gifted.
-He's a prodigy. -Num, num, num, num, num.
(blows raspberry)
(laughs)
Oh, I'd love to see his school. Mind if I tag along?
(growls) I don't see why the hell not.
-(brakes screech) -Okay, here we are. Have a good day, baby.
-(Malloy groans) -(tires squeal)
BOY: Hey, look who it is.
It's the new kid.
Hey, new kid. Ugly town called.
You just got voted Mayor.
(children exclaim)
Think about how ugly that means he is.
You're also Mayor of diarrhea town.
-Ooh! -Aw, snap!
That's the worst town I ever heard of.
My boyfriend is so funny.
This is called a girlfriend. Something you'll never have.
(children exclaim)
Either he called him gay or he's got a fear of commitment.
Listen, buddy. Here's what's gonna happen.
First, I'm gonna take your friends.
Then I'm gonna take your girlfriend.
And when you have nothing left, I'm going to kill you.
You know what? Think I'm gonna like school.
As a Park Ranger, it's pin-port-tint...
Important to know how to (bleep) out a fire.
Ah! Put out a fire.
Damn it! I'm gonna blow it with Stephanie.
Aw, come on. Steve. Think about what I said.
I don't know, Denzel.
Imagining the audience naked really doesn't work for me.
Just trying to help.
All right, time for Plan B.
I'm gonna pump the kids up for you. Trust me, it's all about showmanship.
Aw. Thanks, man. Woody?
You're here to help me with my speech too?
What speech? (yelps)
Either I drank way too much last night or...
Or I'm a werewolf!
(howls)
So bottom line, I'm gonna go along with Ethel's charade
long enough to destroy this bully's life.
Hey, Malloy. I've been there.
I used to get bullied too.
My old man would show up at school, take the lunch money my mom gave me,
beat the piss out of me with an extension cord.
Was it humiliating? Sure.
But I showed him.
I started to enjoy the beatings.
(whispers) Sexually.
Okay. I'm gonna get off your lap now.
Great talk, son. Hey, by the way, did you get a haircut?
All right, kids. Settle down.
We're about to bring out a remarkably handsome Park Ranger to...
Zip it, Beav-Steve. I'll take it from here.
Yo, drop that beat!
(singing) ♪ Yeah, mother(bleep)! ♪
♪ It's time to get krunk up in this bitch! ♪
♪ Ass and titties, ass and titties ♪
♪ Shake that ass, drop that ass ♪
♪ Slide, dip, slide, dip ♪
♪ Touch the ground, doo doo brown! ♪
And here's Steve.
(microphone feedback)
Uh... Okay. (clears throat)
Uh, I'm Ran... Ranger Steve.
And I, I'm gonna tell you all about being a Park Ranger.
You look more like a pork ranger.
(children exclaim)
Oh, snap! He said pork ranger!
That's a play on words, yo!
Uh, okay.
As a... as a ranger, fire safety is important.
Forest fires are extremely dangerous.
Is that what (bleep) your face up?
CHILDREN: Ooh.
Oh! New kid dropped an HBO word.
Picture everyone naked. Picture everyone naked.
-Picture everyone naked. -Picturing kids naked?
Don't you do enough of that at home, you pudgy pedophile?
-(all gasp) -Oh, no! No, no, no!
He's saying pork ranger's a pee-pee toucher.
-(urine trickling) -(yelps)
-(crying) -(students laugh)
He is the King!
New King!
(whispers) Got your friends. That's one.
-Let's get out of here, baby. -Can't. Play rehearsal.
Play, huh?
Initiate phase two.
Play me out, Denzel.
(singing) ♪ Ass and titties, ass and titties ♪
♪ Hump dem hos, hump dem hos ♪
♪ Ass and titties, ass and titties ♪
(classical music paying)
Well, Malloy. How was school today?
Not bad. I'm auditioning for a part in a play.
I don't like plays.
I'm just trying to get in this girl's guts in my class.
So... Conner.
I'm sure Ethel told you about our amazing wedding
in the Amazon Rainforest.
That's nothing. We got married on the moon.
Uh, Moon Palace. Cancun.
It was very pricey.
I thought you said you got married in Hawaii.
Uh, we had two ceremonies.
They didn't want blacks at the good wedding.
Right. No!
Mommy's got a temper.
(whispers) She beats me.
At checkers.
KEN: Ethel?
Who is this?
-Mommy's boyfriend. -Pardon?
You're married? That's hot.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, ugh...
I'll call you later.
You better explain yourself, Ethel.
Oh, there's a good...
Oh, you see, what happened...
(screams) You know what?
-I can't lie anymore. -You're right.
Let's not lie anymore.
This isn't just any ordinary night.
Tonight's our anniversary.
And I'd like to give something to the woman I love.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Well, it's just like grandma's necklace. I thought that was one of a kind.
How did you know I always wanted one like this?
I stole your diary. I mean, I listen!
Oh, and I found your missing diary.
He's so thoughtful, Ethel.
You've got a good man there.
Yeah, I do.
Aw. Mommy and Daddy are gonna rub holes tonight.
Well, I wish we could stay, but you know.
Al Pacino's in a holding pattern.
Lucy, come on. Let's go.
We gotta let these two lovebirds rub holes.
Oh, well. Back to our normal lives.
I hate our normal lives.
Wait! You can't leave.
You'll miss Malloy's big part in the play tomorrow.
He had to fill in last minute.
He said something happened to the lead actor.
(gasping)
Help! Help!
You can just spend the night with us.
(growls) Great idea, Conner.
Oh, yes. I'd love to see my nephew in a play.
-I just adore the theater. -Well, let's do it.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
That means I get to sleep in the bed with Ethel.
Like we always do.
Because we're married.
And we've explored every wet, dark crevice of each other's bodies.
-Ow! -(crashes)
-Good night, you three. Sleep well. -Good night.
-Uppity bitch. -Sorry I pulled this on you, Ethel.
I just don't want this to end.
You know what, Connie?
It's okay. You've helped me out so much.
Actually, this is kind of... nice.
I know. I don't think I've ever been this happy.
You know, in a sad way, me too.
There's only one thing that could make this better.
Ew! Connie!
Jesus! What the hell is that?
But I thought we were a real family.
Connie, wake up!
This is not real.
You're a lesbian, and our child is a shaved bear.
We are nothing like a family.
Pre-jack Ken would have a better shot at me than you ever will.
Is everything okay in here?
No.
Ethel, I want a divorce!
-What? -And I'm taking that necklace back.
-What are you gonna do? Return it? -Yes, I am.
I'm gonna dig up your grandmother again and put it back on her (bleep) neck!
Fine. Wait, what?
(kids laugh)
I can't believe that you made us come to this, Woody.
I can't show my face around Stephanie.
Zip it and sit down. It's my Cubby Wubb's first play.
And you're gonna love it!
Steve, your speech was awesome.
The kids loved it. They never laughed so hard.
Are you serious? But I peed my pants.
That was the best part.
I can't tell you how many kids want to be Rangers now.
Really? How many?
No, I can't tell you. I didn't ask any of them.
-What should I do, Denzel? -I know what you should do, buddy.
Go (bleep) yourself.
Thanks for the kind words, bro.
Con... ner. I'm surprised to...
Save it, Ethel. I'm just here to support our son.
Oh, there's no shame in divorce.
As long as you don't mind burning in hell with the queers.
Everything is fine. Right, honey?
-(grunts) -Ha.
His tongue is tired.
(whispers) Tons of oral.
(applause)
What? No previews?
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
How did he get in the play?
What happened to Jeremy?
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Whew. Well, at least the water stopped.
No!
Denzel, make it happen.
(romantic music playing)
This should put a little hot sauce on your taco.
(upbeat music playing)
Uh.
You can look, but you can't touch.
You like that?
I bet you like this sweet ass.
Ugh!
Mmm.
-(gasps) -(applause)
Got your girl. That's two.
Magic Malloy stole your lady!
Get off her!
(growls)
Uh-oh.
(yelps) Ow!
(rock music playing)
(screaming)
(laughs)
This play's awesome.
(screaming)
Everyone, please calm down.
-(music stops) -Malloy, break it up!
-(yelps) -(screams)
(screaming)
Here comes three.
Ow! Help! Help! Help!
Encore! Encore!
-(crashes) -(both moaning)
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Sorry my boobs popped out, Ethel.
Ethel, I can't believe you lied to me.
This is the sorriest excuse for a family I've ever seen.
You'd be lucky to have a family as great as this.
-Do you really mean that, Ethel? -Probably not, Connie.
Aw, that is sweet. How pathetic you are.
-Talk to you never. -You're gonna let her get away with that?
You know, Malloy, sometimes it's better just to be the bigger person.
(both gasping)
(screaming)
(bubbling)
Malloy!
Ahh...
(closing theme music)