- Gandalf. - Aragorn!
Gandalf!
Denzel, there's no way
Gandalf's dick was bigger than Aragorn's.
What? Not only was it bigger,
he could shoot fireballs off that shit.
[Imitates gunfire] Look out!
That guy's burning down a village with his dick!
I know for a fact that Viggo Mortensen's hung
like an elven horse.
What, you seen it?
Not in person. It was in a dream.
Ooh, can you believe it's only three days until J.R.R. Tol-con?
I can't wait to go with you, Denzel!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Lord of the rings is our favorite thing. ♪
♪ Lords and orcs and magical kings. ♪
♪ Look at that human and elf have a fling. ♪
♪ Gollum is trying to steal Frodo's bling. ♪
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Uh, what the hell are y'all talking about?
Lord of the Rings convention.
You know, wizards and dragons and stuff.
Oh, before y'all arrested me,
I was on my way to a convention filled with wizards and dragons.
For real? Y'all dress up and stuff?
Oh, hell yeah, we do.
Still better than comic-con.
♪ ♪
Aah!
♪ Brickleberry ♪
[Grunting]
- What's the matter, Connie? - [Grunts]
Malloy replaced my toilet seat with a bear trap.
What? [Laughs]
What a prankster.
Malloy's always been kind of an asshole,
but is it just me, or is he, like, way worse recently?
Well, if he is, I haven't noticed.
[Chain saw revving] Aah! aah! aah!
Ah, good, another doonesbury I don't get.
Why is Malloy acting out all of a sudden?
Because he's a wild animal and Woody never disciplines him.
He just gives him sugar and weapons.
For your information, Dr. Phil,
I'm a harsh disciplinarian.
Why, last night, Malloy said a dirty word,
I washed his mouth out with a bar of chocolate.
Stop it, please. Aah!
- Woody! - Fine.
Malloy, stop trying to murder Steve, or else!
This will teach you to ruin my fun.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
"Well," he said, "I'm back."
The end. God damn!
Now that is how you close out an epic fantasy trilogy!
I can't believe you never read these before you met me.
The only thing that gets read in Detroit is your rights.
Steve, I'm glad you opened my eyes to this fantastical world.
It helps me forget that I work in a boring-ass park
And that my best friend is a nerd with a micro-phallus.
Best friend? Thanks, pal.
Tol-Con's gonna be awesome!
Ooh, you have no idea. Here's the best part.
There's a costume contest?
And the winner gets to meet V-V-V...
[Grunts] Viggo Mortens!
I've got the perfect costume!
The Mythical Shadowfax!
[Whinnies]
The lord of all horses!
[Deer grunting] hey, wait, what the hell?
This ain't right!
Stop! Help!
From now on, you getting in the back.
- What happened here? - Malloy did it.
Where is your little prince charming?
Don't ask me, I'm grounded.
[Groans] I saw him go that way with a flamethrower.
Oh, I thought you were bobbing for french fries again.
Where did he get a flamethrower?
What? It was Christmas.
Malloy is a troubled youth, Woody.
I should know. I used to be one.
See, back when I was a kid in Detroit, I was in a gang.
We called ourselves the cool friends gang.
And when I say we were hard-core,
I mean we were hard-core!
Get outta the sleigh, bitch!
[All grunting, shouting] Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Yeah! [Gunshots]
Whoa, Denzel was in a gang!
Let's all take a moment to soak in that startling revelation.
This is serious, Woody.
Ah, You're all overreacting.
Malloy hasn't gotten into any real trouble yet.
[Indistinct radio chatter]
3 counts of grand theft auto, 137 moving violations,
12 counts of attempted vehicular homicide,
and he called my partner a [bleep] dipshit.
First of all, I don't know where
he could have heard language like that.
Second, your partner looks like a [bleep] dipshit.
If this bear steps foot in our town again,
we're throwing him in prison.
Prison? Don't worry, officers.
I'll make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
[Both screaming]
Oh, God. Maybe he is out of control.
What am I gonna do?
I think it's time I made a call to my boys in Detroit
To scare this bear straight.
Right after I practice galloping as a mythical horse.
[Deer grunting] Aw, man!
There come my boys.
The baddest gangstas in Detroit. What?
Good afternoon, Denzel.
These urkels are gonna scare Malloy straight?
They're wearing Goddamn penny loafers!
Wow. You guys look different.
Y'all still gangbanging, right, Murder Bone?
Oh, no.
I teach students african-american studies
at the community college.
And I own a KIA dealership.
Big-Eyes here does the marketing for me.
Iba beebe settum uppa theeba big wavy men
and inflatababull gobarillas.
Yeah, he never really recovered from that drive-by.
[Door opens]
Oh great. Now we have four Denzels?
So this is the little punk bitch
Who thinks he's a criminal.
Yeah, well, you eye to eye with some real criminals, bitch!
I assumed, but it sounds racist when I say it.
Back in the day, we got in some serious shit.
Carjacking, pushing dope,
breeding midgets and fighting them to the death.
Okay, that last one caught me off guard.
Shit was for real, Malloy.
We had no rules and didn't respect the law.
We just ran around, doing whatever we wanted,
- Whenever we wanted. - Yeahbada!
That sounds awesome! Why'd you stop?
Yeah, why did we stop?
Because we turned our lives around, fool!
But you may not be so lucky.
So you guys used to be bad asses.
Now you're the target demo for HGTV.
Where do I sign up?
- We still know how to get down. - Yeah.
Just last week, I bought a bumper pool table!
And last friday, my wife left for a conference in tulsa,
and I got to masturbate!
Iba collect recipes offba pinterest.
Aw he's right. Our lives suck.
Remember old officer Pulaski with the gimp leg?
Used to chase us like this?
- "Hey, mother[bleep]! Get over here!" - [Laughter] "Hey! Hey!"
[Laughter] "Hey! Hey! Little mother[bleep]!"
[Laughter]
Then we shot him in the face.
Feels good to laugh again.
See? that's the spirit.
Guys, I don't mean to play doctor,
but you've all got a case of the "No Funsies."
That's what we get for sharing needles.
Man, the bear's right. I'm bored.
Meba tooba.
I drive a Goddamn minivan.
What do you say we hit the town and have some real fun?
Hell, yeah!
Hold on, you're supposed to be scaring the bear straight,
not declaring the bear's great!
Don't be a punk, D.
We about to tear shit up old school.
You in or out? Uh, in?
So, Cubsy Wubsy, did my homeboys scare you straight yet?
- Suck it, Cracker! - [grunts]
Yeah, take it!
[Grunting]
Denzel, hey, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
You didn't show for Shadowfax practice.
Everything okay?
Whoa, hold up.
Who the [bleep] is this honkey donkey?
[Laughter] I get it!
He's a honkey donkey.
We're Shadowfax, the Lord of All Horses.
Tell 'em, Denzel.
Denzel, you're friends with this guy?
Oh, don't pay attention to Steve, fellas.
He's just a local pedophile we keep around
to clean out the shitters.
Now let's go! Later, local pedophile Steve.
[All grunting]
[Groans]
You guys have gotten pretty soft.
You sure you still know how to commit crimes?
Of course we do.
I said, "I want a small business loan, mother[bleep]!"
What do you mean this zumba groupon's expired, Mother[Bleep]?
I sabida, "putta my child in your pribata schoobada,
Moboda fuboda!"
Someone please tell me what the hell he just said.
Yo, your kids are gonna love it here.
They got an excellent drama department...
Freeze, scumbags!
I don't like this at all.
Way too many blacks in here.
Turn to the right. Eyes forward.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm Warden Smalls.
- [Stifles laugh] - Electric chair!
[Electricity crackles]
Anyway, I run a fair and honorable christian prison here.
Rule number one...no sarcasm.
[Sarcastically] Aw, that's a great rule.
Well, looks like we got us a rebel here.
Try this on for size.
Ow! Why'd you hit me?
Because as the Bible says,
it's much more painful
to watch your friend suffer for your sins.
[Sarcastically] Oh, yeah, it is.
That sounds like more sarcasm, boy.
Unh!
[Sarcastically] Oh, no, please, stop.
I'll break you of that sarcasm, son,
If I have to break every Billy Club
over your friend's head.
Ah, stop! Oh!
God damn!
[Sarcastically] Um, hey, Warden,
That's a really nice tie.
Take that, Malloy!
Ow! Wait, wait, wait!
I thought my friends had to suffer for my sins.
I was being sarcastic, idiot!
Welcome to Hazelhurst Prison.
I guarantee you boys are gonna stay in line,
Or my name isn't Warden Tiny Smalls.
- [Stifles laugh] - Electric chair!
[Electricity crackling]
Scared me straight huh? good plan, Woody.
When we get home, I'm gonna spank the shit out of you!
You're not going home, Malloy.
You're staying here until you've learned a lesson.
Oh! You're getting an angry spanking now!
Get me out of here, Woody.
Well, I...no!
No, I made my decision, and I'm sticking to it!
Good-Bye, Malloy!
[Sniffles] Be strong papa bear.
Don't look back.
It's called tough love.
[Crying]
Oh, what the...
What the hell's wrong with you? Leave me alone!
Damn, I don't remember prison being this scary
- Back in the day. - Oh, come on, Denzel.
It ain't that bad.
[Screams]
Ohba, shibbit!
- Man, we're gonna die in here! - Chill out, D.
There's four of us.
As long as we stick together, we'll be fine.
That's right, suckas!
Nobody's gonna mess with the Cool Friends Gang!
Who wants to step to this, huh? Nobody?
That's what I thou...
They call me "Meat Hammer," because I got a meat hammer.
And I don't mean a tenderizing utensil.
- Got it. - I mean a meat hammer.
In my pants.
- Followin' you. - You know what?
I'm just gonna go ahead and spell it out for you.
I'm referring to my dick.
[Indistinct chatter]
Sup, bitch? Como se llama, ese?
Of course I'd like chips and salsa.
You guys got any queso?
Hey, watch your mouth, son!
This is Bako! Leader of the Latin Kings.
That's a weird name for a landscaping company.
What? I'm gonna kill...
- Knock, knock. - Oh, who's there?
- Amish Hank. - Uh, Amish Hank who?
I'ma shank you!
[Grunting] Hey! Hey!
[Thud]
Mm.
Yeah, it's been real lonely in here
- Dince my last cellmate died. - How'd he die?
The doc in the infirmary said
His anus got turned inside out...Somehow.
You boys are free to go.
Yeah, That's what I thought!
Can't no prison contain the Cool Friends Gang.
- Outta my way. - Not you, son.!
Just your friends. Yeah, man, sorry about that.
I could only call in favors for the three of us.
Hey, what about sticking together?
The only thing you need to be concerned
about sticking together is your butt cheeks.
Mm.
You gonna be doing a hard 12 in here.
And I don't mean 12 years of hard time.
I mean 12...I know!
All right, everyone,
Thank you for coming to audition.
As you know, my ex-best friend Denzel
is rotting in a prison because he's a class-a jerk,
which means one of you is going to replace him
in the Tol-Con costume contest.
Contest? Craigslist said "Horse Costume."
I thought this was a furry freak sex party!
This is not a furry freak sex party.
[All muttering]
Jorge, wait!
What I meant was, we're going to a furry sex party.
Yes! You haven't lived
till you've contracted herpes from a gigantic squirrel!
[Whistling]
♪ ♪
♪ Gonna visit my Cubsy Wubs in the big, scary prison ♪
♪ Gonna bring him home 'cause he has learned his lesson ♪
What the hell?
Okay, so look Bato. Tuco over in cell 31?
He shows me no respect. He's gotta go.
Yo, I'll take care of it.
Wait, but I am Tuco.
[Both grunting]
[Thud]
Cubsy Wubs?
What'd you call our leader, ese?
You want for me to make this bitch ass dead?
No, that's cool, dog.
I think I remember this fool from back in the hood.
What happened to you, Malloy?
Nothing happened to me, gringo.
This is my family now.
Julio, is that my moon pie?
I knew it, Malloy!
I knew tough love was a bad idea!
I never should've listened to those asshole rangers.
Don't you worry.
Daddy is gonna bust you outta here.
Bust me out? This is my home, homes.
I ain't going nowhere.
Brah, I heard Vato killed Julio and Tuco.
He is out of control. Take him out.
[Grunting, choking]
Okay, Jorge, there's the line for the costume contest.
When does the furry sex commence?
My sacro's tied with anticipation!
In a minute. Come on.
[Grunting] Left. Right. Left.
[Grunting] Shorten your gait.
What the...what the [bleep]?
Denzel could do it. What's so hard about this?
Because my eyes sting from the fumes coming from your anus.
You smell like the middle east!
Hey, great Gollum costume.
I have progeria.
Okay, we're next!
I think we've still got a shot at winning.
I'm sorry. You're disqualified.
What? why?
Yeah, you're disqualified because you're missing
- The back half of your costume. - Jorge!
You are the biggest, sexiest furry in here.
Tell me, what are you, a bear? Huh?
A gorilla?
I'm Peter Jackson.
Here, relax. Have some toilet wine.
Nah, nah, I'm good.
I had a bunch of shitter sake earlier.
Now, I don't want to just make love.
We should get to know each other.
Ooh, good idea.
We should have lots of long conversations.
- What's your favorite color? - Blue.
- Okay, let's do it. - What? Aah!
Hey, hey, that's not gonna fit! It ain't gonna fit!
Not so fast!
You cannot have sex with this man.
Oh, thank you, baby Jesus!
- Until after you marry him. - Wait, come again?
I run a good Christian prison here,
and I don't allow any intercourse under my roof
unless you share a union in the eyes of God.
Call the caterer, boys.
We're having us a gay prison wedding!
Oh boy. We're getting married!
- W-wait, what's the rush? - I'm a romantic.
And I got aids.
Alright. Brickleberry's finest.
Denzel's about to become a human condom,
and my poor little baby has been brainwashed
by a gang of landscapers.
And we are gonna bust 'em both out.
Bust them out?
That prison is harder to get into than a sheep's panties.
True, Hazelhurst Penitentiary is notorious for two things...
one, its airtight security, and two,
it's famous for forced homosexual weddings.
We're gonna pose as a wedding events crew, slip in,
and be gone with our friends
before the rice pilaf is even cold.
Oh my God! I've always wanted to plan a wedding!
Easy there, bridezilla. You're on cake and flowers.
Connie, you're the photographer.
Can I grab a couple titty pics of Ethel?
Firecracker jim, you're on demolition.
When you hear "dun, duh, dun, dun, dun,"
blow us an escape route!
Hell, yeah!
Blowing shit up was my major in college!
I didn't know brickleberry had a college.
That's 'cause I blew it up!
Them prison guards are gonna be packing a lot of heat,
But so will we.
When they start firing at us, poom!
Hey, look at me! I'm like a stripper with guns!
Just like granny possumcods.
She used to hold us at gunpoint and give us lap dances.
I love Christmas.
Alright team, let's do this.
[All cheering]
Hola, negro.
Me and my boys just wanted to come down
A little wedding present.
- Sweet, a shank. - No, it's a toothbrush.
I figured you should have fresh breath
While meat hammer turns your asshole inside out.
Oh, no!
How are we gonna get past the guards?
Now everybody just stay cool.
I got a whole backstory worked out.
Good day, mate.
Name's Rick Swordfire.
I'm a bisexual pisces who loves analingus.
How do you spell your last name?
Uh, uh, uh, uh...
All right. Let's go!
[Crying]
- Hey, buddy, you okay? - No, not really.
I got screwed over by my best friend.
Now I'll probably never get to meet my hero.
Come on, man. Sure you will.
Viggo Mortens... [Grunts]
Life is too short to be mad at your best friend.
You're right, viggo.
And now he's in a lot of trouble.
He's being forced to marry this guy in prison.
What? You need to help your friend.
Think like a hobbit, man.
You think that, uh, "Fredo" would allow "Gandar" to...
Huh, he'd use the invisibility uh-necklace.
All right, I'm sorry.
I never saw those Goddamn movies.
♪ ♪
[Snaps]
♪ ♪
When that guy's done with Denzel's rectum,
people will pay to see evel knievel jump it.
♪ ♪
Okay, Firecracker Jim, blow it!
[Coughs]
Those inbred hillbillies [bleep] up their cue!
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
Well, yeah, we kinda got arrested on the way over here.
Turns out smoking meth while driving is a parole violation.
God damn it. Well, at least we've still got
A giant wedding cake filled with guns.
Yeah, about that,
There was just no way to get the guns inside
Without messing up the lavender buttercream frosting.
Sorry.
Ethel, are you telling me
That rather than springing Malloy and Denzel,
We're actually here to cater a Goddamn wedding?
No, a beautiful God damn wedding!
[Clears throat]
Dearly incarcerated, we are gathered to witness
the union between meat hammer and Denzel,
Which shall last forever,
for while gay marriage may be legal in our fine state,
gay divorce is not.
Meat hammer, do you take Denzel
to be your lawfully wedded gay prison partner?
You bet I do.
And, Denzel, do you take meat hammer?
Say it. You better say it.
I, uh...I d...
[Galloping]
[Whinnies]
Holy shit! Is that Viggo Mortensen?
Man this career is in the shitter!
I, Lord of the Rings, command you...stop this wedding!
[Grunting]
Steve, you saved me!
That's what best friends are for!
- Look, Steve, I'm sorry for... - Already forgiven.
Now let's get you out of here the quickest way possible...
As two grown men in a horse suit.
I'll take it from here.
Wait a minute!
A furry fook fest either!
Let's ride, Steve!
Giddyup, partner!
No, no, leave me! I love it here!
Shadowfax, away!
[Whinnies]
Now, somebody could only explain to me
What the [bleep] just happened?
Aah!