1
00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:04,462
[Ethereal music]

2
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:06,297
I can't believe tomorrow's
the big day.

3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:09,467
Our country is finally
putting a man on Mars.

4
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,219
What do you think
is up there, Denzel?

5
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:13,304
Hot Martian bitches
with four sets of green titties.

6
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:14,806
That's really profound,
Denzel.

7
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,016
I know.

8
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,017
Titty-[Bleep] that bitch

9
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,185
is like a full-time job.

10
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,645
What about the rest of space?

11
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:21,938
Mm, stars and shit.

12
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,314
How many do you think
there are?

13
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,025
More than you
can count, Steve.

14
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,194
Wow. 92.

15
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,405
You are
a stupid mother[bleep].

16
00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:31,656
Yeah.

17
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:33,074
Just one more question...

18
00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:36,161
How do we get the car
out of the planetarium?

19
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:37,412
[Inhales]

20
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:39,664
Same way we got
this mother[bleep] in.

21
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:42,042
[Tires screech]

22
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,086
[Triumphant music]

23
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,087
♪ ♪

24
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,047
[Screams]

25
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:52,052
♪ Brickleberry ♪

26
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,679
[Gentle guitar chords]

27
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:55,680
Rangers, listen up.

28
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:57,807
Today is a historic day.

29
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,351
[Dramatic music]

30
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,478
The world watches

31
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,230
as man prepares to land
on Mars.

32
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,356
Who cares?

33
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,151
It's the grand opening
of the Hazelhurst mega mall!

34
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,528
500 stores,
200 different ones!

35
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,155
A gigantic arcade!

36
00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,074
The world's largest food court,

37
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,367
conveniently located right next
to the lane Bryant superstore!

38
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,161
Oh, my God,
it's got everything I want

39
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,746
and new fat people
to make fun of.

40
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:20,705
I'll be in the car.

41
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,373
Oh, cubbsie wubbs,

42
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,834
everyone knows bears
aren't allowed in malls.

43
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,337
It's like how filipinos
aren't allowed in libraries.

44
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,547
- What?
- We all know they eat paper!

45
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,800
[Paper rustling]

46
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,969
This new stephen king novel
is terrible!

47
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,596
[Retching]

48
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,389
As I was saying,
I'm proud to announce

49
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,391
Brickleberry will be playing
an important role

50
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,018
in the upcoming
Mars landing.

51
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,896
[All talking excitedly]

52
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:46,231
At least if I was going up there.

53
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:49,234
I'd get some green pussy.
You know that.

54
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,778
You see, mount Brickleberry
is the highest point

55
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:52,862
in the world.

56
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:53,822
That doesn't sound right.

57
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,407
If it's on the brochure,
it's true!

58
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:59,244
Anyway, nasa is gonna be
using our park

59
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,704
as a key transmission point
for mission control.

60
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,997
And that means them Indians

61
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,457
at the base of mount Brickleberry

62
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,625
Have gotta go.

63
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,252
But the brochure says
the base of the mountain

64
00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:08,419
is their ancestral land.

65
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,046
Yea the brochure also says

66
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,381
we have the highest mountain
in the world.

67
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,841
What are you, [bleep] stupid?

68
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,259
You watch
your [bleep] mouth!

69
00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:17,011
I'll rip your Goddamn head off,
mother[bleep]!

70
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,097
Uh, sorry, Mr. Johnson.

71
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:20,306
Yeah, I'm stupid.

72
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,766
Hey Steve,
go tell them savages

73
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,601
they gotta move 'em heap quick.

74
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,311
You got it, sir.

75
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,105
Woody, forced resettlement
of native Americans

76
00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:28,565
is just wrong.

77
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,441
Don't question
the U.S. government, missy!

78
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:31,985
They know
what they're doing.

79
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,695
They did a bang-up job
planning 9-11,

80
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,572
controlling our minds
with fluoride in the water,

81
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:37,282
and turning
Anderson Cooper gay!

82
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:38,575
Anybody ever say
you're a bit

83
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:39,742
of a conspiracy theorist?

84
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,286
Ah, don't be ridiculous.

85
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,412
How about that stunt you pulled

86
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,122
at your nephew's christening?

87
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,291
I know there's a microphone
in here somewhere.

88
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:49,210
I know you can hear me,
you soviet bastards.

89
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,337
That's it...
I'm going in after it!

90
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,383
Woody doesn't know
what he's talking about.

91
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:56,676
I can go to the mall
if I want to.

92
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,011
Hold it right there, buddy.

93
00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,345
Who are you supposed to be?

94
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,181
I'm Tod Rolan.
Head of mall security.

95
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,348
Wow!

96
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,475
Head of mall security?

97
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,853
Minimum wage and you get to
ride one of those cool Segways?

98
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:08,396
You don't sound impressed.

99
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:09,606
I'm impressed by the
way you managed

100
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,357
to sweat
on something with wheels.

101
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,401
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going into the mall.

102
00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:14,485
Oh, no, you're not.

103
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,529
Everyone knows bears
aren't allowed in malls.

104
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,573
It's like how Malaysians aren't
allowed in shoe stores.

105
00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,033
What?

106
00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,826
They eat shoelaces.

107
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,579
[Romantic italian music]

108
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:27,582
There's some really obscure
racism in this town.

109
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,173
I am so sorry
to have to tell you this,

110
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:37,050
but...

111
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,718
Wait, tribal chairman?

112
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,929
You're the Indian chief, right?

113
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,931
That's a stereotypical thing
to assume.

114
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,432
- How?
- How.

115
00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,100
Are you here to push us
off our land?

116
00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,435
[Chuckling]
No, no, no.

117
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:48,770
I'm not.

118
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,772
I'm here to buy
your land.

119
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,066
$24 in beads sound good?

120
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:53,983
We'll take it!

121
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,735
Not so fast, not-so-fast.

122
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:59,197
We certainly would not
make this mistake again.

123
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,615
You throw in closing costs.

124
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:02,951
All right.
You drive a hard bargain.

125
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,786
$26 in beads.

126
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,412
Nice doing business with you.

127
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,539
You guys are gonna enjoy those.

128
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:09,874
I tried them out myself.

129
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:10,833
What do you mean?

130
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,087
They're anal beads.

131
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:24,806
Salutations.

132
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,684
I am mission control
director extraordinaire,

133
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,353
Dr. Kurt Thoreau, PHD.

134
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,771
Hi there.

135
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,481
Head ranger excelente
Woody Johnson,

136
00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:34,816
B-I-G-D-I-C-K.

137
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:37,777
And who is this fetching creature?

138
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,904
Did you say "fetching"
or "felching"?

139
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:40,905
Uh, I'm Ethel.

140
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,490
Do men
with exceptional beards

141
00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:44,367
make your fish flaps foamy?

142
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,369
What? Oof!

143
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,329
Show me to my office at once.

144
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:49,831
Well, the only office
in there is mine.

145
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:52,000
Agh!
Listen here, nas-hole...

146
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,710
I don't know
who you think you are...

147
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:56,045
Oof! Right this way.

148
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,798
[Men chanting]

149
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,593
Steve, thank you for joining us

150
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,262
for our farewell powwow.

151
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,513
No problem.

152
00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:07,056
I hope you like the beads.

153
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,518
Oh, yes, wife bury them
where sun don't shine.

154
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,894
In her ass.

155
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,604
This was a lot of fun.

156
00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:14,731
Thanks for hanging out with me all night.

157
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,108
Bros before Navajos.

158
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,901
Our medicine man offers you
a bowl of Hikuri,

159
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,445
the food of the Gods.

160
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,739
Some say it lets you see
the heavens.

161
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,240
Now just take a small sip.

162
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,408
- [gulping]
- it's very powerful.

163
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,410
[Belches] What?

164
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:29,912
You just had 2,000 hits
of pure peyote.

165
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,622
It's not affecting me,
ninja t-rex.

166
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,625
Hoo-ahh!

167
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:37,628
[Roars]

168
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,757
[Screaming]

169
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,051
Aaaaaahhhhh!

170
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,804
I hate white people.

171
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:52,143
♪ Oh, I'll be in with the spacemen ♪

172
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,854
And Nas is the best,
gonna get us some press ♪

173
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,189
You should be ashamed
of yourself

174
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,024
pushing the native Americans
off their land

175
00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,275
just for a little publicity.

176
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,902
Oh, calm down.

177
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:03,654
The law of reparations
says they can claim any land

178
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,823
in their former territory
as their own.

179
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,701
Those redskins can basically
live anywhere they want.

180
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:09,952
Anywhere they want?

181
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,622
[Flute and drum music]

182
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,123
Who are you?

183
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,000
I'm Malloy, talking bear.

184
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,919
I knew his father,
shits-in-woods.

185
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:19,670
Listen, my people.

186
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,756
It is time to stop
being pushed around

187
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,091
by the white man

188
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:27,011
and take the sacred land
that is rightfully ours.

189
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,013
What sacred land?

190
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,807
[Light music playing]

191
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,433
[Ululating]

192
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,061
We bring talking bear
more wampum.

193
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,647
Orange julius
and bounty of cinnabon.

194
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:38,940
Don't worry.

195
00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,733
I'll use every part
of the cinnabon.

196
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,194
I hope you pay the white man
with much suffering.

197
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:45,696
No, we paid
with discover card.

198
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,698
What?
What kind of Indians are you?

199
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,700
Not the good kind.

200
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,662
Okay, I'm leaving now.

201
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:53,996
This is our land.

202
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,248
If we want something
from the white man,

203
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:56,165
we take it.

204
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,209
After we ask nicely?

205
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,044
No!
The white man is our enemy!

206
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,087
He stole our land,

207
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,505
he murdered our people,

208
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:05,049
and he told us we can't come
into their malls,

209
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,218
just because we're bears!

210
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,387
I don't remember that last part.

211
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,305
Just go with it.
He's on a roll.

212
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:12,807
It's time someone
taught you guys

213
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,559
how to act like real Indians.

214
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,979
[Dramatic music]

215
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:19,772
Aah!

216
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,942
♪ ♪

217
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:26,154
[Men whooping]

218
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:30,324
♪ ♪

219
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,454
Get ready
for magic time, people.

220
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,747
I'll actually be guiding the astronauts

221
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:38,791
down as we speak.

222
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,751
Mission control, this is Apollo.

223
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,879
We in for landing in four...

224
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,213
Three...

225
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,883
Two...

226
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,384
One.

227
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,344
Extend pods. And...

228
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,221
Magic!

229
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,473
And we have touchdown.

230
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,933
We have landed on Mars.

231
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,935
[Cheers]
Kurt Thoreau, everyone.

232
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,479
How is Steve missing this?

233
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:00,813
Where the hell is he?

234
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:01,856
[Screams]

235
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,357
Get away from me,

236
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,067
octopus mime!

237
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,904
[Upbeat polka music]

238
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,197
♪ ♪

239
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,698
[Screams]

240
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:15,244
♪ ♪

241
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,706
[Truck roars]

242
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:19,707
[Grunting]

243
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:20,791
Agh!

244
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,002
Aah!

245
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:24,462
I think you'll like
the first words

246
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,172
man will say on Mars.

247
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:28,174
I composed them myself.

248
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:30,968
That was one small step for man

249
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,386
and one giant...
Shit!

250
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,387
[Screams]

251
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,057
[Babbling nonsensically]

252
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:38,267
[People screaming]

253
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,977
We can easily reattach these

254
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,146
As very careful with them...

255
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,314
Whoa!

256
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,732
So that's why

257
00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:46,400
we shouldn't put those in here.

258
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,693
[Rangers scream]

259
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:48,945
Wait a minute.

260
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:49,987
That fat alien looks like Steve.

261
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:52,240
That fat alien is Steve.

262
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,991
How'd Steve get to Mars?

263
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,660
Steve isn't on Mars.

264
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,203
[Gasps]
That means the Mars landing...

265
00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:59,205
It's all a Goddamn fake!

266
00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:01,832
[Laughs]
I knew it!

267
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:05,002
We're ass-deep in the biggest
conspiracy ever!

268
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,213
Guards, seize them!

269
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,756
Oh, what?

270
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:10,758
You actors
gonna hold us hostage

271
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:14,845
with a bunch of phony prop guns?

272
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,889
Wow, that's realistic.

273
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,183
Fake brains too.

274
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,856
[Babbling and laughing]

275
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,150
Um, uh, mission control,

276
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,610
what the hell do we do?

277
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:32,196
You're actors. Improvise.

278
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,783
Holy moly!
It's a genuine...

279
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:36,993
Alien.

280
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,035
[Babbling]

281
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,287
Ughhh...

282
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,455
Oh, I can't breathe...

283
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,082
In this space air.

284
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,084
I'll save you.

285
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,420
Ughhh!
Uhhhh!

286
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,088
Well, it's not what I planned.

287
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:50,756
It's better.

288
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,133
I didn't just fake a Mars landing.

289
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,093
I faked a Martian.

290
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:55,595
You see?

291
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,847
I'm not just Kurt Thoreau,
rocket scientist.

292
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,099
I'm also Kurt Thoreau,

293
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:02,184
Master showman and director!

294
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,978
I'll bet the ratings will top

295
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:06,105
our fake lunar landing in '69.

296
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,441
So you're saying
that neil armstrong...

297
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,110
Was an alcoholic
out of work birthday clown

298
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,528
before I discovered him.

299
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,030
So you're saying
all government employees

300
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,072
are actors?

301
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,324
I'm a government employee.

302
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,284
Am I an actor?
Are there cameras here?

303
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,620
Are people watching me
right now?

304
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:21,662
Who am I kidding?

305
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,414
10:30 on Tuesday night.

306
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:25,291
Nobody's watching this shit.

307
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,001
Only NASA knows.

308
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:28,002
No one else.

309
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:30,421
Not even the president.

310
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:31,631
After this mission is over,

311
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,299
I'm throwing you all
in space prison.

312
00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:35,343
Yay!
Is that like space camp?

313
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:38,638
Yes.
With just a tad more rape.

314
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,474
[Dramatic music]

315
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:44,060
The Hazelhurst mega mall
is currently under siege

316
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,187
by a group of Indians
and a small bear.

317
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,022
Who gives a shit about that?

318
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,482
We've got Martian updates.

319
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,609
In a shocking move,
for purposes of research,

320
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,694
Doctor Kurt Thoreau
has ordered the astronauts

321
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,113
to bring the Martian
back to our planet.

322
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,573
Roger, mission control.

323
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,367
We have subdued the Martian
with, uh,

324
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,327
alien-holding space rope.

325
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:02,828
Vroom, vroom, vroom!

326
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,121
Vroom!

327
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,915
[Mimics rocket noises]

328
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,919
I hope they make it back okay.

329
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:12,421
Hey, guard, can you shoot
this fat, dumb bitch?

330
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:17,802
The capsule will be touching
down any minute now.

331
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,429
But be warned,
when it enters the atmosphere,

332
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,390
it will make a brilliant flash!

333
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,685
Everyone, close your eyes or it
will instantly blind you.

334
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:34,443
Ker-Splash!

335
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,444
It's here.

336
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,279
You can open your eyes.

337
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,240
Smiles, everyone.

338
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:42,618
We are about to greet
a friend from another world.

339
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,956
[Lenses clicking]

340
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,917
Wh... Where am I?

341
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,586
Why am I covered in mud
and naked?

342
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,588
This hasn't happened
since space camp.

343
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,882
Uh, we must
get him into isolation

344
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,427
before our earth atmosphere of .7

345
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,470
Gives him acute failure of...

346
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,515
He's going to eat our dicks!

347
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:07,727
♪ Bring it on ♪

348
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,565
Marshmallow peeps
and cadbury egg

349
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,525
are now property
of chief talking bear.

350
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:17,570
Hey, those are for the kids.

351
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,239
[Ululating]

352
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,615
You were right.

353
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:24,201
Taking land
and killing white man is fun.

354
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,454
You know, you guys
have come a long way.

355
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:29,457
We should've embraced our
stereotype many years ago.

356
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,418
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
- Uh, many moons ago.

357
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,170
Listen you. This is a mall.

358
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,546
You can't live here.

359
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:36,964
I'm giving you one hour
to vacate

360
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,549
and get rid
of all the horseshit.

361
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,676
I can't control what
panda express puts on its menu.

362
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,636
Get out now!

363
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,514
You have dishonoured my people
long enough, Todd.

364
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,683
We will fight for our land!

365
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:51,270
[Ululating]

366
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,439
Can someone please tell me

367
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,442
where the Pepperidge Farm
kiosk is?

368
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:59,653
I smell pennies all of a sudden.

369
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:06,452
So this is my
secret government base.

370
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:09,288
Any drips from the tap?

371
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:12,124
Just tell me what you plan
to do with Steve.

372
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,126
Oh. We won't hurt him.

373
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,295
[Electricity crackles]
[Screams]

374
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:18,255
Why are you doing
experiments on him?

375
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:19,632
Hey, I thought
you were all actors.

376
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,300
Oh, he's not an actor.

377
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,802
He's one of the America's
top scientists.

378
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:26,305
Fooled by my magic like everyone
else in the country!

379
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,306
When are you
gonna let Steve go?

380
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,141
I'm afraid I can't do that.

381
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,018
He's not a real alien

382
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,311
My career will be over.

383
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,479
I'll be convicted of fraud.

384
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:34,939
What do you mean?

385
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,982
I mean your friend will
not leave this base alive.

386
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:39,443
Ever!

387
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,404
Now, it's time for the
bowling pin in the anus test.

388
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:43,656
[Screams]

389
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:44,740
♪ Bring it on ♪

390
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:51,330
[Ululating]

391
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,207
We've got them on the run.

392
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,669
There they are
at the last custard stand!

393
00:13:56,752 --> 00:14:00,214
[Ululating continues]

394
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:07,513
[Groans]

395
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:08,848
Yay!

396
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,307
Agh!

397
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,520
I can't believe they're doing

398
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,021
those painful experiments
on Steve.

399
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,606
Well, after a childhood like his,

400
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,567
it's probably the only way
he can climax.

401
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,569
- That's you, Woody.
- Yeah, that... that is me.

402
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,529
We can't let them
do this to Steve.

403
00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:25,030
We need a plan to rescue him.

404
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,908
Thoreau has his eyes
on Steve 24/7.

405
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,327
We need to distract him
so we can bust Steve out.

406
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,371
- But how?
- Ethel, you can do it.

407
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:34,164
How am I supposed to
distract him?

408
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,333
I've got an idea.

409
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:39,461
Three, two, and one.

410
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,589
We have contact.

411
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:44,049
Do you have to
narrate everything?

412
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,092
Affirmative.

413
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:47,428
Rotating thruster 30 degrees.

414
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,514
Open the pod bay doors.

415
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:56,228
Docking in 59... 58... 57... 56.

416
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:57,771
[Groans]

417
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:01,817
Ugh, I hope what I just did
was worth...

418
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,235
Yahtzee!

419
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,528
Are you guys doing?

420
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:05,571
Did you rescue Steve?

421
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,197
What?
That was tonight?

422
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,574
Oh, I'm sorry.

423
00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:10,659
Guess we got caught up
playing... Yahtzee!

424
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:11,619
I'm on a roll!

425
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:12,786
So I just slept with

426
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,247
a disgusting asshole douchebag
for nothing?

427
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,499
Isn't anyone gonna
say anything?

428
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,377
Well, normally this is
where Malloy would jump in

429
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,755
with something like,
"Yeah, but how's that different

430
00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:24,590
from your typical Tuesday?"
[laughs]

431
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:27,343
No, I think it'd be more like,
"You did it for nothing?

432
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:28,886
Usually you get taco bell
out of it."

433
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,430
Or something like
"disgusting asshole?

434
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,848
You mean you finally
slept with Connie?"

435
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:33,891
Oh, yeah, that's it.

436
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:35,100
[Laughs]
Slut.

437
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,769
Oh, yeah, yuk it up.

438
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,812
I just banged a guy
who calls his penis

439
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,481
the USS enter-thighs.

440
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:41,941
Man, what a loser.

441
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:43,525
Naming his junk after star trek.

442
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,945
Ain't that right, hung solo?

443
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,489
Sorry, Ethel.
We can't get past the guards.

444
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:50,366
Steve is in real danger here.

445
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,784
Kurt can't hide him forever.

446
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,119
Nasa will be exposed.
,

447
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,955
So do you think
he's gonna kill Steve?

448
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,456
I don't know, but if he does,

449
00:15:57,539 --> 00:15:59,416
I bet it'll
be a ratings bonanza.

450
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,793
I am sorry to report

451
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:03,295
has contracted an Earth virus.

452
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,382
And he appears to be... dying!

453
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,592
Dr. Thoreau, can you tell us
what disease it is?

454
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:10,302
He's got whatever made E.T.

455
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,971
all white and dried out
and gross.

456
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,473
How much time
does the alien have left?

457
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,141
Impossible to predict,

458
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:20,187
but he'll definitely be dead
before primetime tonight.

459
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,481
Tonight at 9:00, live on PBS!

460
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:26,318
Witness history as we show you
a real live alien autopsy!

461
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,987
Oh, my God.

462
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:31,365
Yes, we'll finally get to see
what's inside a Mexican!

463
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:36,328
Okay, so poof,
we get in, grab Steve,

464
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,329
and then poof, we out.

465
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,872
Well, does anybody have a plan

466
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,834
that doesn't evolve nightcrawler
from the x-men?

467
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,460
Or any of the other x-men?

468
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,337
We need to get serious.

469
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,339
His autopsy's only
a couple of hours away.

470
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,632
Yea, like an hour for
dinner and dessert,

471
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,300
that won't leave us much time.

472
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,094
We'd need an army
to take thoreau down.

473
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,304
That's it!
Okay, I've got a plan,

474
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:56,348
But we need to get past the guards.

475
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,516
We need to bribe them
or something

476
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:58,517
so they'll let us go.

477
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,893
What the hell are we gonna

478
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,062
Hollywood actors with?

479
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,856
I've got an idea.

480
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,317
Why the hell
did I agree to this?

481
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,699
And that's why
we need your help.

482
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,535
Why would my people help
the white man and Denzel?

483
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,912
Look, we need an army
to help us rescue Steve.

484
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,290
If you help us,
we'll give you your land back.

485
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,083
That sounds like a great idea.

486
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,377
That place was a shithole!

487
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,546
How could we leave
our beautiful land?

488
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:31,050
Our land
not so beautiful anymore.

489
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,638
Goddamn [bleep] Indians!

490
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,313
Yes! It's still here!

491
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,565
PBS alien autopsy live

492
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,068
is brought to you
by Lane Bryant.

493
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,319
Covering up fat chicks so

494
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,488
you don't have to look at them.

495
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,491
Now we don't know what organs
this alien will have.

496
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:58,410
His chest cavity ould be full
of facehuggers or candy.

497
00:17:58,494 --> 00:17:59,661
Well, let's find out.

498
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:00,746
[Groans]

499
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:02,289
[Thud]
Ah!

500
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,749
Attention, Earth.

501
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:06,335
You have abducted
one of our Martian people.

502
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,045
We demand his immediate...

503
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,963
Hey, ma, look at your boy!
I'm on tv!

504
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:12,591
Hey, yo, I wanna give a shout
to my cool friends gang,

505
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:14,426
My cousin Coneshia, I love you, baby

506
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,303
Shaun, stay your dumb ass
in school.

507
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,763
My boy, Burbel.

508
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,431
Ay, wassup boy?
Whatcha doing?

509
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,141
Hey, Charles,
gimme my tires back, man!

510
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,309
Denzel!

511
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:23,435
What's happening?

512
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,187
Switch it off. Switch it off!

513
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,314
I'm trying, Dr. Thoreau.
I can't.

514
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:28,857
It's like they
tapped into our feed.

515
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,444
If you do not return our
brother safely to our planet

516
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:35,114
you will face the wrath
of our Martian army.

517
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,782
[Ululating]

518
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,451
And then you will
be jupiter fisted to death

519
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,328
by our hideous space monster.

520
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:44,331
[Roars]

521
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,708
[Crowd screams]

522
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:49,253
Trying to beat me
at my own game, eh?

523
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:50,671
I'll show them.

524
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,589
Doctor, operate!

525
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,216
But I don't want to get
jupiter fisted to death.

526
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,717
I don't even know what that is,

527
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,344
but my first three guesses
are horrible.

528
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,179
Oh, fine. I'll do it.

529
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:00,889
Sir, it's the president.

530
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,183
Hello? Mr. President?

531
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,476
I understand that you don't

532
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,062
want to get Jupiter fisted
to death, sir, but...

533
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,273
As you wish, sir.

534
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,525
That's a wrap.

535
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,654
On behalf of earth people,

536
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:19,283
I hereby return
your space brother.

537
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,702
Hey, until further notice,
this invasion is over.

538
00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:24,454
[Crowd cheers]

539
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,915
- Welcome back, Steve.
- No!

540
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,667
Don't leave me
with these Martians!

541
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,086
Take me back to earth!

542
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:36,842
What the [bleep]?

543
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:40,762
[Drumming and flute music]

544
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,890
If you can't take
the reservation to the mall,

545
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,392
Take the mall
to the reservation.

546
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:46,685
- How.
- What do you mean "how"?

547
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:47,978
We already did it.

548
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,565
Oh, you're going away
for a long time.

549
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:55,277
You'll be doing a ten year
production of backside story.

550
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,528
[Laughs]

551
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:57,696
Woody Johnson, everybody.

552
00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:59,489
It was all worth it.

553
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,074
We almost got better ratings

554
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,327
Than that Betty White
prank show.

555
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,786
Hey, that's my favorite show.

556
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,289
It makes me laugh hard
and get hard.

557
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,333
Hey, watch the cape.

558
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:13,003
I can't believe everything
we know about space is a lie.

559
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,380
Do you ever think we'll find out
what's really out there?

560
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,216
I don't know, Steve.

561
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:18,967
But I know what I'd like it to be.

562
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,473
[Exotic dance music]

563
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:25,766
♪ ♪

564
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,434
[Screams]

565
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:40,989
[Upbeat music]

566
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:44,993
♪ ♪

567
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:49,081
♪ ♪