[Ethereal music]
I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
Our country is finally putting a man on Mars.
What do you think is up there, Denzel?
Hot Martian bitches with four sets of green titties.
That's really profound, Denzel.
I know.
Titty-[Bleep] that bitch
is like a full-time job.
What about the rest of space?
Mm, stars and shit.
How many do you think there are?
More than you can count, Steve.
Wow. 92.
You are a stupid mother[bleep].
Yeah.
Just one more question...
How do we get the car out of the planetarium?
[Inhales]
Same way we got this mother[bleep] in.
[Tires screech]
[Triumphant music]
♪ ♪
[Screams]
♪ Brickleberry ♪
[Gentle guitar chords]
Rangers, listen up.
Today is a historic day.
[Dramatic music]
The world watches
as man prepares to land on Mars.
Who cares?
It's the grand opening of the Hazelhurst mega mall!
500 stores, 200 different ones!
A gigantic arcade!
The world's largest food court,
conveniently located right next to the lane Bryant superstore!
Oh, my God, it's got everything I want
and new fat people to make fun of.
I'll be in the car.
Oh, cubbsie wubbs,
everyone knows bears aren't allowed in malls.
It's like how filipinos aren't allowed in libraries.
- What? - We all know they eat paper!
[Paper rustling]
This new stephen king novel is terrible!
[Retching]
As I was saying, I'm proud to announce
Brickleberry will be playing an important role
in the upcoming Mars landing.
[All talking excitedly]
At least if I was going up there.
I'd get some green pussy. You know that.
You see, mount Brickleberry is the highest point
in the world.
That doesn't sound right.
If it's on the brochure, it's true!
Anyway, nasa is gonna be using our park
as a key transmission point for mission control.
And that means them Indians
at the base of mount Brickleberry
Have gotta go.
But the brochure says the base of the mountain
is their ancestral land.
Yea the brochure also says
we have the highest mountain in the world.
What are you, [bleep] stupid?
You watch your [bleep] mouth!
I'll rip your Goddamn head off, mother[bleep]!
Uh, sorry, Mr. Johnson.
Yeah, I'm stupid.
Hey Steve, go tell them savages
they gotta move 'em heap quick.
You got it, sir.
Woody, forced resettlement of native Americans
is just wrong.
Don't question the U.S. government, missy!
They know what they're doing.
They did a bang-up job planning 9-11,
controlling our minds with fluoride in the water,
and turning Anderson Cooper gay!
Anybody ever say you're a bit
of a conspiracy theorist?
Ah, don't be ridiculous.
How about that stunt you pulled
at your nephew's christening?
I know there's a microphone in here somewhere.
I know you can hear me, you soviet bastards.
That's it... I'm going in after it!
Woody doesn't know what he's talking about.
I can go to the mall if I want to.
Hold it right there, buddy.
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm Tod Rolan. Head of mall security.
Wow!
Head of mall security?
Minimum wage and you get to ride one of those cool Segways?
You don't sound impressed.
I'm impressed by the way you managed
to sweat on something with wheels.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going into the mall.
Oh, no, you're not.
Everyone knows bears aren't allowed in malls.
It's like how Malaysians aren't allowed in shoe stores.
What?
They eat shoelaces.
[Romantic italian music]
There's some really obscure racism in this town.
I am so sorry to have to tell you this,
but...
Wait, tribal chairman?
You're the Indian chief, right?
That's a stereotypical thing to assume.
- How? - How.
Are you here to push us off our land?
[Chuckling] No, no, no.
I'm not.
I'm here to buy your land.
$24 in beads sound good?
We'll take it!
Not so fast, not-so-fast.
We certainly would not make this mistake again.
You throw in closing costs.
All right. You drive a hard bargain.
$26 in beads.
Nice doing business with you.
You guys are gonna enjoy those.
I tried them out myself.
What do you mean?
They're anal beads.
Salutations.
I am mission control director extraordinaire,
Dr. Kurt Thoreau, PHD.
Hi there.
Head ranger excelente Woody Johnson,
B-I-G-D-I-C-K.
And who is this fetching creature?
Did you say "fetching" or "felching"?
Uh, I'm Ethel.
Do men with exceptional beards
make your fish flaps foamy?
What? Oof!
Show me to my office at once.
Well, the only office in there is mine.
Agh! Listen here, nas-hole...
I don't know who you think you are...
Oof! Right this way.
[Men chanting]
Steve, thank you for joining us
for our farewell powwow.
No problem.
I hope you like the beads.
Oh, yes, wife bury them where sun don't shine.
In her ass.
This was a lot of fun.
Thanks for hanging out with me all night.
Bros before Navajos.
Our medicine man offers you a bowl of Hikuri,
the food of the Gods.
Some say it lets you see the heavens.
Now just take a small sip.
- [gulping] - it's very powerful.
[Belches] What?
You just had 2,000 hits of pure peyote.
It's not affecting me, ninja t-rex.
Hoo-ahh!
[Roars]
[Screaming]
Aaaaaahhhhh!
I hate white people.
♪ Oh, I'll be in with the spacemen ♪
And Nas is the best, gonna get us some press ♪
You should be ashamed of yourself
pushing the native Americans off their land
just for a little publicity.
Oh, calm down.
The law of reparations says they can claim any land
in their former territory as their own.
Those redskins can basically live anywhere they want.
Anywhere they want?
[Flute and drum music]
Who are you?
I'm Malloy, talking bear.
I knew his father, shits-in-woods.
Listen, my people.
It is time to stop being pushed around
by the white man
and take the sacred land that is rightfully ours.
What sacred land?
[Light music playing]
[Ululating]
We bring talking bear more wampum.
Orange julius and bounty of cinnabon.
Don't worry.
I'll use every part of the cinnabon.
I hope you pay the white man with much suffering.
No, we paid with discover card.
What? What kind of Indians are you?
Not the good kind.
Okay, I'm leaving now.
This is our land.
If we want something from the white man,
we take it.
After we ask nicely?
No! The white man is our enemy!
He stole our land,
he murdered our people,
and he told us we can't come into their malls,
just because we're bears!
I don't remember that last part.
Just go with it. He's on a roll.
It's time someone taught you guys
how to act like real Indians.
[Dramatic music]
Aah!
♪ ♪
[Men whooping]
♪ ♪
Get ready for magic time, people.
I'll actually be guiding the astronauts
down as we speak.
Mission control, this is Apollo.
We in for landing in four...
Three...
Two...
One.
Extend pods. And...
Magic!
And we have touchdown.
We have landed on Mars.
[Cheers] Kurt Thoreau, everyone.
How is Steve missing this?
Where the hell is he?
[Screams]
Get away from me,
octopus mime!
[Upbeat polka music]
♪ ♪
[Screams]
♪ ♪
[Truck roars]
[Grunting]
Agh!
Aah!
I think you'll like the first words
man will say on Mars.
I composed them myself.
That was one small step for man
and one giant... Shit!
[Screams]
[Babbling nonsensically]
[People screaming]
We can easily reattach these
As very careful with them...
Whoa!
So that's why
we shouldn't put those in here.
[Rangers scream]
Wait a minute.
That fat alien looks like Steve.
That fat alien is Steve.
How'd Steve get to Mars?
Steve isn't on Mars.
[Gasps] That means the Mars landing...
It's all a Goddamn fake!
[Laughs] I knew it!
We're ass-deep in the biggest conspiracy ever!
Guards, seize them!
Oh, what?
You actors gonna hold us hostage
with a bunch of phony prop guns?
Wow, that's realistic.
Fake brains too.
[Babbling and laughing]
Um, uh, mission control,
what the hell do we do?
You're actors. Improvise.
Holy moly! It's a genuine...
Alien.
[Babbling]
Ughhh...
Oh, I can't breathe...
In this space air.
I'll save you.
Ughhh! Uhhhh!
Well, it's not what I planned.
It's better.
I didn't just fake a Mars landing.
I faked a Martian.
You see?
I'm not just Kurt Thoreau, rocket scientist.
I'm also Kurt Thoreau,
Master showman and director!
I'll bet the ratings will top
our fake lunar landing in '69.
So you're saying that neil armstrong...
Was an alcoholic out of work birthday clown
before I discovered him.
So you're saying all government employees
are actors?
I'm a government employee.
Am I an actor? Are there cameras here?
Are people watching me right now?
Who am I kidding?
10:30 on Tuesday night.
Nobody's watching this shit.
Only NASA knows.
No one else.
Not even the president.
After this mission is over,
I'm throwing you all in space prison.
Yay! Is that like space camp?
Yes. With just a tad more rape.
[Dramatic music]
The Hazelhurst mega mall is currently under siege
by a group of Indians and a small bear.
Who gives a shit about that?
We've got Martian updates.
In a shocking move, for purposes of research,
Doctor Kurt Thoreau has ordered the astronauts
to bring the Martian back to our planet.
Roger, mission control.
We have subdued the Martian with, uh,
alien-holding space rope.
Vroom, vroom, vroom!
Vroom!
[Mimics rocket noises]
I hope they make it back okay.
Hey, guard, can you shoot this fat, dumb bitch?
The capsule will be touching down any minute now.
But be warned, when it enters the atmosphere,
it will make a brilliant flash!
Everyone, close your eyes or it will instantly blind you.
Ker-Splash!
It's here.
You can open your eyes.
Smiles, everyone.
We are about to greet a friend from another world.
[Lenses clicking]
Wh... Where am I?
Why am I covered in mud and naked?
This hasn't happened since space camp.
Uh, we must get him into isolation
before our earth atmosphere of .7
Gives him acute failure of...
He's going to eat our dicks!
♪ Bring it on ♪
Marshmallow peeps and cadbury egg
are now property of chief talking bear.
Hey, those are for the kids.
[Ululating]
You were right.
Taking land and killing white man is fun.
You know, you guys have come a long way.
We should've embraced our stereotype many years ago.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh. - Uh, many moons ago.
Listen you. This is a mall.
You can't live here.
I'm giving you one hour to vacate
and get rid of all the horseshit.
I can't control what panda express puts on its menu.
Get out now!
You have dishonoured my people long enough, Todd.
We will fight for our land!
[Ululating]
Can someone please tell me
where the Pepperidge Farm kiosk is?
I smell pennies all of a sudden.
So this is my secret government base.
Any drips from the tap?
Just tell me what you plan to do with Steve.
Oh. We won't hurt him.
[Electricity crackles] [Screams]
Why are you doing experiments on him?
Hey, I thought you were all actors.
Oh, he's not an actor.
He's one of the America's top scientists.
Fooled by my magic like everyone else in the country!
When are you gonna let Steve go?
I'm afraid I can't do that.
He's not a real alien
My career will be over.
I'll be convicted of fraud.
What do you mean?
I mean your friend will not leave this base alive.
Ever!
Now, it's time for the bowling pin in the anus test.
[Screams]
♪ Bring it on ♪
[Ululating]
We've got them on the run.
There they are at the last custard stand!
[Ululating continues]
[Groans]
Yay!
Agh!
I can't believe they're doing
those painful experiments on Steve.
Well, after a childhood like his,
it's probably the only way he can climax.
- That's you, Woody. - Yeah, that... that is me.
We can't let them do this to Steve.
We need a plan to rescue him.
Thoreau has his eyes on Steve 24/7.
We need to distract him so we can bust Steve out.
- But how? - Ethel, you can do it.
How am I supposed to distract him?
I've got an idea.
Three, two, and one.
We have contact.
Do you have to narrate everything?
Affirmative.
Rotating thruster 30 degrees.
Open the pod bay doors.
Docking in 59... 58... 57... 56.
[Groans]
Ugh, I hope what I just did was worth...
Yahtzee!
Are you guys doing?
Did you rescue Steve?
What? That was tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Guess we got caught up playing... Yahtzee!
I'm on a roll!
So I just slept with
a disgusting asshole douchebag for nothing?
Isn't anyone gonna say anything?
Well, normally this is where Malloy would jump in
with something like, "Yeah, but how's that different
from your typical Tuesday?" [laughs]
No, I think it'd be more like, "You did it for nothing?
Usually you get taco bell out of it."
Or something like "disgusting asshole?
You mean you finally slept with Connie?"
Oh, yeah, that's it.
[Laughs] Slut.
Oh, yeah, yuk it up.
I just banged a guy who calls his penis
the USS enter-thighs.
Man, what a loser.
Naming his junk after star trek.
Ain't that right, hung solo?
Sorry, Ethel. We can't get past the guards.
Steve is in real danger here.
Kurt can't hide him forever.
Nasa will be exposed. ,
So do you think he's gonna kill Steve?
I don't know, but if he does,
I bet it'll be a ratings bonanza.
I am sorry to report
has contracted an Earth virus.
And he appears to be... dying!
Dr. Thoreau, can you tell us what disease it is?
He's got whatever made E.T.
all white and dried out and gross.
How much time does the alien have left?
Impossible to predict,
but he'll definitely be dead before primetime tonight.
Tonight at 9:00, live on PBS!
Witness history as we show you a real live alien autopsy!
Oh, my God.
Yes, we'll finally get to see what's inside a Mexican!
Okay, so poof, we get in, grab Steve,
and then poof, we out.
Well, does anybody have a plan
that doesn't evolve nightcrawler from the x-men?
Or any of the other x-men?
We need to get serious.
His autopsy's only a couple of hours away.
Yea, like an hour for dinner and dessert,
that won't leave us much time.
We'd need an army to take thoreau down.
That's it! Okay, I've got a plan,
But we need to get past the guards.
We need to bribe them or something
so they'll let us go.
What the hell are we gonna
Hollywood actors with?
I've got an idea.
Why the hell did I agree to this?
And that's why we need your help.
Why would my people help the white man and Denzel?
Look, we need an army to help us rescue Steve.
If you help us, we'll give you your land back.
That sounds like a great idea.
That place was a shithole!
How could we leave our beautiful land?
Our land not so beautiful anymore.
Goddamn [bleep] Indians!
Yes! It's still here!
PBS alien autopsy live
is brought to you by Lane Bryant.
Covering up fat chicks so
you don't have to look at them.
Now we don't know what organs this alien will have.
His chest cavity ould be full of facehuggers or candy.
Well, let's find out.
[Groans]
[Thud] Ah!
Attention, Earth.
You have abducted one of our Martian people.
We demand his immediate...
Hey, ma, look at your boy! I'm on tv!
Hey, yo, I wanna give a shout to my cool friends gang,
My cousin Coneshia, I love you, baby
Shaun, stay your dumb ass in school.
My boy, Burbel.
Ay, wassup boy? Whatcha doing?
Hey, Charles, gimme my tires back, man!
Denzel!
What's happening?
Switch it off. Switch it off!
I'm trying, Dr. Thoreau. I can't.
It's like they tapped into our feed.
If you do not return our brother safely to our planet
you will face the wrath of our Martian army.
[Ululating]
And then you will be jupiter fisted to death
by our hideous space monster.
[Roars]
[Crowd screams]
Trying to beat me at my own game, eh?
I'll show them.
Doctor, operate!
But I don't want to get jupiter fisted to death.
I don't even know what that is,
but my first three guesses are horrible.
Oh, fine. I'll do it.
Sir, it's the president.
Hello? Mr. President?
I understand that you don't
want to get Jupiter fisted to death, sir, but...
As you wish, sir.
That's a wrap.
On behalf of earth people,
I hereby return your space brother.
Hey, until further notice, this invasion is over.
[Crowd cheers]
- Welcome back, Steve. - No!
Don't leave me with these Martians!
Take me back to earth!
What the [bleep]?
[Drumming and flute music]
If you can't take the reservation to the mall,
Take the mall to the reservation.
- How. - What do you mean "how"?
We already did it.
Oh, you're going away for a long time.
You'll be doing a ten year production of backside story.
[Laughs]
Woody Johnson, everybody.
It was all worth it.
We almost got better ratings
Than that Betty White prank show.
Hey, that's my favorite show.
It makes me laugh hard and get hard.
Hey, watch the cape.
I can't believe everything we know about space is a lie.
Do you ever think we'll find out what's really out there?
I don't know, Steve.
But I know what I'd like it to be.
[Exotic dance music]
♪ ♪
[Screams]
[Upbeat music]
♪ ♪