1 00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,045 Here's to having nothing to celebrate. 2 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:05,797 Actually, today's my birthday. 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,341 Like I said, nothing to celebrate! 4 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:09,467 Hey, where's Malloy? 5 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,386 Eh, he couldn't be here. He got tied up. 6 00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:13,805 I'm going to get Woody for this. 7 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:15,515 Oh, God! 8 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,184 Why are you looking at me like that? 9 00:00:18,309 --> 00:00:19,686 [Dog grunts] 10 00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:22,564 That is an odd place to keep your lipstick. 11 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:23,732 What's the matter, buddy? 12 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,942 Are you still bummed about your episode of intervention? 13 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,820 Steve, we're here because we all love you, 14 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,448 but you've got to stop jizzing inside us. 15 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,492 I'm sorry. It just feels so good. 16 00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:35,618 Feels good? 17 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,246 I'm stiff as a board, you freaky bastard! 18 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,248 Nah, it's Ethel. 19 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:41,624 You know how much I like her, 20 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,917 but she won't give me the time of day. 21 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:45,295 Now she's dating the CEO of Skymall. 22 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,881 - What does he have that I don't? - Telephone shoes? 23 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,716 [Dialing] 24 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,676 You're right. I don't stand a chance. 25 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,595 Steve, you got to get women when they're down. 26 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,805 That's what I do, literally. 27 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,849 I get life alert calls forwarded to my phone. 28 00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:58,933 [Cell phone beeps] 29 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,935 I've fallen, and I can't get up! 30 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,520 See if you can slip your panties off. 31 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,105 I'l be there in a minute. 32 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,275 It may look like an ordinary fan-cooled solar safarI hat, 33 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:08,651 But it's also a litter box. 34 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,361 [Cat meows] Skymall! 35 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,072 That's amazing. 36 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,949 I was just telling a friend that I wish I had a hat 37 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,243 - That a cat could shit in. - Skymall! 38 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:20,205 Listen, I know we've only been on a couple of dates, 39 00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:22,791 but I see a real future for us. 40 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,044 I thought you might say that. That's why I got you this. 41 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:29,214 [Gasps] Oh, my God! The answer is ye... 42 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:32,509 It's the world's smallest white noise machine. 43 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,677 What? But what about us? 44 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,679 We're done. I'm not ready to settle down. 45 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,264 But you can set this to heavy rain 46 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:39,849 to mask the sound of your tears. 47 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,936 You're breaking up with me? 48 00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:46,898 Skymall! 49 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,651 - Give me that. - Steve, now's your chance. 50 00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,736 Ethel's lower than Abe Vigoda's left nut. 51 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,738 Her next bottle's on me. 52 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,199 I'l call you, I promise. 53 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:59,744 We just [bleep] in the bathroom. I'm out! 54 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,371 Are you sure you're okay to drive? 55 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:04,833 Are you sure you're okay to mind your own Goddamn business? 56 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,668 I'm fine. 57 00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:08,795 You're doing good, Johnson. 58 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,839 Just keep it between the lines. 59 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:13,508 [Water bubbling] 60 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:16,302 Oh crap! Malloy quick. Get behind the wheel! 61 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,679 Malloy! 62 00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:20,515 I thought red meant stop! 63 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:24,269 [Rousing music] 64 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,353 [Screams] 65 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:30,567 ♪ Brickleberry ♪ 66 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,528 [Groans] 67 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,822 What did I do last night? 68 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,574 [Whispering] I was inside of you. 69 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,075 [Screams] 70 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,451 [Screams] 71 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,746 Oh, God! Okay, Ethel, don't panic. 72 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,582 You know what to do. 73 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:48,126 [Sobbing] 74 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,837 Listen, Steve, you can't tell anyone about this. 75 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,131 Why not? It was the best night of our lives. 76 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,757 No, it was not. 77 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,719 I had too much to drink, and I made a mistake. 78 00:02:57,802 --> 00:02:59,137 So keep your mouth shut. [Scrubbing] 79 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,014 What kind of guy do you think I am? 80 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:05,393 ♪ I'm [bleep] devil I'm [bleep] devil ♪ 81 00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:07,604 ♪ I'm [bleep] devil, yeah! ♪ 82 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,397 [Applause] 83 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,774 Why did I pay to see this? 84 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:17,488 I don't subscribe to Psoriasis Weekly. 85 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:19,574 Hey, love bagel. 86 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:23,494 Where shall I put my Viggo Mortensen up-skirt-shot coffee-table book? 87 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,371 Steve, are you trying to move in? 88 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,456 We had sex, didn't we? 89 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,750 It's only a matter of time before we have our marvel heroes wedding. 90 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:29,959 Steve, wake up! 91 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,961 Just because we had drunken mistake sex 92 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,963 doesn't mean we're in a relationship. 93 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,675 Really? Then why did I buy us those his-and-her tombstones? 94 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,554 We died by murder-suicide in 2016. 95 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:42,805 I'm so excited! 96 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:48,436 I can't believe that DUI Judge gave me community service. 97 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,688 You drove to court drunk. 98 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,440 I drink when I'm nervous 99 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:55,526 and sad and mad and happy. 100 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,738 ♪ I'm an alcoholic. Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Doo ♪ 101 00:03:58,821 --> 00:03:59,989 No, really, I have a problem. 102 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,325 Yeah. You left me tied to a post all night. 103 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:05,328 Now that rottweiler, won't stop leaving me creepy voice mails. 104 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,330 [Barking] 105 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,373 Let me suck it. 106 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,749 I don't get it, Denzel. 107 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,626 I thought once Ethel had some Steve in the beav, 108 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,586 - She'd never leave. - Hey, at least you got some. 109 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,921 Think about how Connie feels. 110 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:16,631 She's been in love with Ethel for years. 111 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:18,466 Oh, I'm totally over it. 112 00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:22,428 Off topic. If you guys have to get murdered in the workplace, 113 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:26,933 Would you prefer an ar-15 or being hacked up with a machete? 114 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:28,518 [High-Pitched voice] I think they want both. 115 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,062 [Urinating] 116 00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:36,025 I'm still inside you. 117 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,151 [Screams] 118 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,528 Don't go in there. 119 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,406 I, uh... Made a fat, smelly shit. 120 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,573 So embarrassing. 121 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,825 not as embarrassing as the fact 122 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:46,286 that you made love to a fat, smelly shit. 123 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:48,955 Mmm, this fun dip tastes like piss. 124 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:52,208 That's a pregnancy test you dumb son of a bitch. 125 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,712 Oh! My God! Ethel's gonna have my baby! 126 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,672 Congrats buddy. Way to trap that bitch! 127 00:04:57,755 --> 00:05:00,008 Yeah, I'm really happy for you. 128 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,343 Actually Steve, I thought a lot about this 129 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,720 in the last 30 seconds, 130 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,763 and I don't think I'm ready to have a kid. 131 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,307 But don't I get a say? 132 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,851 I'd never abort a baby, especially ours. 133 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:12,603 Sorry, Steve. It's just not your decision. 134 00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:14,564 Why not? I'm the father. 135 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,275 That doesn't matter. My body, my choice. 136 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:20,278 But, Ethel, if there's no baby, there's no us. 137 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:21,362 Exactly! 138 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,614 I've already made an appointment at the best clinic in town. 139 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,576 [La cucaracha playing] 140 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:28,244 ♪ ♪ 141 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:32,707 An abortion mobile/taco truck is the best clinic in town? 142 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:35,418 Yes. This town sucks. 143 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,713 Abortion is a sin against God! 144 00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:40,631 No! It's a civil right! 145 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,550 I'm just here for the chimichangas. 146 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:44,927 This is murder! 147 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,387 I'l tell you what's murder. 148 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,766 The price they charge for a side of chipot-le. 149 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,894 [Humming] 150 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:56,147 Ah, Ethel, welcome to my abortion mobile/taqueria. 151 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:59,317 Or as the local yokels call it, the die-eria. 152 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,651 [Chuckles] 153 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:04,322 - [Trills tongue] - Uh, this is safe, right? 154 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:07,450 Perfectly safe... For the woman, not the baby. 155 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:10,620 Wait. You're not gonna use dirty cooking utensils? 156 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:11,788 No, of course not, Ethel. 157 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,498 I'm going to sanitize them first. 158 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:14,791 [Loud banging] 159 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,667 Okay, ready to go. 160 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,919 Before you go through with this, 161 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,797 I must ask. Are you sure about this decision? 162 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,840 This is the hardest choice a woman can make, but... 163 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,258 Sorry. I was talking to a customer. 164 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:25,927 Okay, carne asada it is. 165 00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:29,013 But fair warning, the picante sauce is muy caliente. 166 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,391 That's okay, as long as it ain't hot. 167 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,851 You don't know. 168 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,812 You don't know. [Cackling] 169 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:38,064 Rackin' frackin' community service. 170 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:40,274 Working around a bunch of Goddamn nut jobs 171 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,235 Who sit around and mumble to themselves. 172 00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:43,694 [Mumbling] 173 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,071 Is everything all right, sir? 174 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:48,699 Oh, never better! I love these wacky bastards. 175 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:49,909 Oh, you're a dad, huh? 176 00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:51,577 Yeah, my son yelled at me 177 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:52,912 cause I tied him up outside of a bar. 178 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,622 You did what? 179 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,083 Oh, don't worry. My son's a talking bear. 180 00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,961 Why don't you have a seat? 181 00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:02,713 This talking bear, does he ever tell you to do things 182 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,841 that would hurt yourself or others? 183 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,676 Are you shitting me? That's all he does! 184 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,428 One time, he turned me into a fish! 185 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,263 I see. 186 00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:12,265 Yeah, he can be a sarcastic little asshole, 187 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:14,851 but I know he loves me. 'Cause one time I was gonna get 188 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,602 on a spaceship with my girlfriend, 189 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:17,854 and he saved her with a jet pack. 190 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,397 We got a nut job. 191 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,482 Let me tell you about the time he directed my porno. 192 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,651 Aah! Are you [bleep] crazy? 193 00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,486 I'm not crazy! You're crazy! 194 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:29,031 And panchito! Congratulations, Ethel. 195 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,325 15 abortions gets you a free chalupa. 196 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,744 Thanks, but I'll never get over how traumatic 197 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,163 that experience was. 198 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,747 Would you like to start a new card? 199 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:37,915 Yeah, might as well. 200 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,750 Steve, what are you doing here? 201 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,919 Just sealing the deal I made with the doc. 202 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,963 Uh, what kind of a deal? 203 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:46,674 It's not exactly ethical, but he paid cash, 204 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,050 and, well, I'm a whore. 205 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,677 See, after Dr. Kuzniak 206 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:50,970 suck the embryo out of your body, 207 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,764 He put it in mine. I'm pregnant. 208 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:57,185 - What? - Now you're inside me! 209 00:07:57,268 --> 00:08:00,271 Nobody eat the salsa. There's been a terrible mix-up. 210 00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:01,814 [All gasp] 211 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,107 [Chip crunches] 212 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,530 Baby Shawn Johnz. Thank you, Denzel. 213 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:12,408 And thank you Connie for the baby massager. 214 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,534 [Vibrating] 215 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,786 Hey, look at that Connie, rub all the veins off for you. 216 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,163 Oh! Oh! Oh! Open mine! 217 00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:20,917 I have a feeling it's going to be a girl! 218 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,793 Free pole dancing classes? 219 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,671 If she's gotta a hole, she belongs on a pole. 220 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,673 What a wonderful baby shower. 221 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,801 Damn, Steve. It's only been two days, and you're already showing. 222 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,929 Dr. Kuzniak said the testosterone in my body 223 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,680 eill speed up the pregnancy. 224 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,682 Steve, you're a [bleep] asshole! 225 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,768 That's why I bought this onesie. 226 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,228 I made a choice to end this pregnancy, 227 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,938 and you took that choice away from me. 228 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,648 I don't understand why you're so upset. 229 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:47,109 Now that our baby's in my body, I'll do the work for you. 230 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,111 That's why you want to get an abortion, right? 231 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:52,406 No, Steve, it's a woman's decision. 232 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:54,367 But it's in my body. 233 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:57,495 Like you said, my body, my choice. 234 00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:58,829 That's not ... No! 235 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,331 You guys, back me up here. 236 00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:01,832 It's in his body, Ethel. 237 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,376 You said that's all that matters. 238 00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:04,961 Here, Ethel. This should cheer you up. 239 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,047 I put your picture and Steve's picture into a computer program. 240 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,007 This is what your baby will look like. 241 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:14,428 Oh, my God! No! 242 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:16,931 [Dog barking over phone] 243 00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:20,059 Listen, you sick puppy, I told you to stop calling me. 244 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,395 [Phone beeps, vibrates] 245 00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:24,272 Leave me alone, you piece of shit! 246 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,108 - No, it's me, Woody. - Yeah, I know. 247 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:29,068 Look, these assholes committed me. 248 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,653 Get down here, and prove you can talk. 249 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,779 I've gotta get out of here. 250 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,782 I'm roommates with a guy who thinks he's nicolas cage. 251 00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:36,284 Okay, let's ride! 252 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,953 Or maybe that is nicolas cage. I don't know. 253 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:40,246 Either way, he's [bleep] nuts. 254 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,999 Have you ever been dragged onto the sidewalk 255 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,460 and beat until you pissed blood? 256 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,214 Okay, Malloy, start talking. 257 00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,260 [Chuckles] I swear he can. 258 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:55,886 Usually, he's a real chatterbox, 259 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,055 when he's not being a spiteful dick! 260 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,891 - Please, Malloy, talk! - Growl 261 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,268 Malloy, you son of a bitch! 262 00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:05,855 Prove daddy's not crazy, or I'll rip your [bleep] head off! 263 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:09,275 Wow! Textbook psycho. 264 00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:10,651 No, I'm not crazy, doc! 265 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,279 I'm telling you, I have a talking bear! 266 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,448 And I have a singing beaver! 267 00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:18,284 ♪ Hello, my baby hello, my honey ♪ 268 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,202 ♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪ 269 00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:23,873 Wake up, Steve! 270 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,542 Ethel, it's 4:00 a.m. 271 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:30,171 That's right. There's no sleeping when you have a baby. 272 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,840 I'm baby firecracker jim, God damn it! 273 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,635 After tonight we'll see who wants to keep this baby. 274 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,011 Welcome to fatherhood. 275 00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:39,764 Change me, daddy! I done shit up my back! 276 00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:43,017 It's okay. We'l get baby nice and clean. 277 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,520 You ever seen a baby with pubes? 278 00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:50,232 I'm pissing 'cause I'm angry, and I can't express it in words! 279 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:55,655 So you're telling me all of Woody's stories are true? 280 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,366 Yeah, Woody was a fish just before I gave birth 281 00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,784 to the anti-Christ. 282 00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:02,161 You gave birth to the anti-Christ? 283 00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:03,954 (High pitched voice) Of course she did. 284 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,539 Yeah, that hand's right. 285 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,458 It's right after I banged that thawed-out cavewoman. 286 00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:08,542 Now can we go? 287 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,252 I gotta buy a breast pump for my friend Steve. 288 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,963 - He pregnant. - A man is pregnant? 289 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:15,591 Oh, that's nothing. All kind of stuff happens to Steve. 290 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,469 He was a black guy, a gay man, a gay woman, 291 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,429 and a quadriplegic that ate his own shit. 292 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,681 See? 293 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,726 What is so crazy about these Goddamn stories? 294 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,854 What do you mean you don't want the money? 295 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,648 I tried to be difficult, 296 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,858 but that Steve feller took good care of me! 297 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,777 He's gon' be a real good daddy. 298 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,489 Guess I'll have to take matters into my own hands. 299 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,158 Steve, we need to talk. 300 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:42,618 Whoa. 301 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,329 Oh, yeah. That's hot. 302 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,373 This for a magazine or something? 303 00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:48,582 No, no, just for me. 304 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,210 Now, bend over and show me your pooterus. 305 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,671 Steve, I owe you an apology. 306 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,339 I've been horrible to you lately, 307 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,049 But seeing you like this... 308 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,009 Oh, and like that... 309 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,220 And not so much that one. 310 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,847 But it makes me realize that 311 00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,974 I do want to have this baby with you. 312 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:06,559 That's great, Ethel. 313 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,310 So what do you say, you and I go 314 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:11,021 on some perfectly safe family fun activities? 315 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:14,525 [Upbeat music] 316 00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:18,112 ♪ ♪ 317 00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:19,613 [Both grunt] 318 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,451 Oof! Ow! ow! 319 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:27,538 [Screaming] 320 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:28,581 Ahh! 321 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,208 You don't know. You don't know. 322 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,335 You don't know. You don't know. 323 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,587 Of course I don't know. 324 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,589 It's called "guess who," mother[bleep]. 325 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:37,965 Where's Connie? we need to talk. 326 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:40,009 I think she made a new friend. [Cackling] 327 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,262 We're going to India! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! 328 00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:44,346 All right, you cuckoos. 329 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,556 It's time to bust out of this nest. 330 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,183 - Why? - So let's... 331 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:48,809 What do you mean why? 332 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,686 We're in a Goddamn mental institution. 333 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:53,564 - Oh, I like it here. - Yeah, I like it too. 334 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,357 I mean, it's a little cold, but... 335 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,485 Cold? That's your complaint? It's cold? 336 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,862 You two are busting out whether you like it or not. 337 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,322 So here's the plan. 338 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,990 First, we'll gonna tunnel through the wall. 339 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:04,241 With this spoon. 340 00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:05,826 We'l crawl through the storm drains 341 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:06,952 until we get to the parking lot. 342 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,746 Connie will then chloroform the guards 343 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,247 as Denzel hijacks a car, 344 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,166 which we'll use to bust through the gates 345 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,751 and drive ourselves to freedom. 346 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,544 Now, let's do this! 347 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,422 Oh, shit! 348 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:19,799 Trying to escape, huh? 349 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,300 Take him to... 350 00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:23,594 The special treatment room. 351 00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:26,388 Special treatment room? That sounds awesome. 352 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,140 I hope this means I get a new roommate. 353 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:29,975 Ta-Da! 354 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,686 All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice! 355 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,522 All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice! 356 00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,649 All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice! 357 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:40,277 Hold on wait a minute. Is that a pregnant dude? 358 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:43,197 Dear lord! It's an abomination to God! 359 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,615 He should abort it. 360 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:48,160 No, he shouldn't! It's a miracle of science! 361 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,499 All on the right: Pro-choice! All on the left: Pro-life! 362 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,292 All on the right: Pro-choice! All on the left: Pro-life! 363 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,421 Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby. 364 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,924 - We have a heartbeat. - Damn it! 365 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,509 [Bleep] you, God. 366 00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:04,927 I mean yay. 367 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,428 Isn't this wonderful, Ethel? 368 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,222 And afterall that couple stuff we did, 369 00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:10,099 you and I are even closer. 370 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:13,477 Steve, I don't want this baby! I never wanted this baby! 371 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,938 For God's sake, I pushed you down a flight of stairs 372 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,606 into a pile of coat hangers! 373 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,568 If it's a boy, could we name him "dracula untold"? 374 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:22,611 [Sighs] It's not about you, Steve. 375 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,489 I just don't want to be a mother, ever. 376 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,117 I wouldn't want this baby, even if it were someone else's. 377 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,953 Funny you should say that, because it is someone else's. 378 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:31,954 This guy's. 379 00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:34,498 I hear there's an heir to the skymall family fortune! 380 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,292 Rich, is this true? 381 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:40,713 Yes, according to my DNA-paternity test / Lord Voldemort wall display. 382 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,591 - Skymall! - I'm gonna be a mommy! 383 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,221 When I heard you were pregnant, I knew it was mine. 384 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:50,556 I've got a strong swimmers 385 00:14:50,639 --> 00:14:52,641 Thanks to my travel-sized sperm-ometer. 386 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,727 Skymall after dark! Shh! 387 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,061 This is bullshit! 388 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,646 When did you even sleep together? 389 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,899 The night we went to Epstein's bar. 390 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,400 Aha! That's impossible 391 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,028 because Ethel slept with me that night, remember? 392 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:05,905 I don't remember anything from that night. 393 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,699 [Gulping, sucking] 394 00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:11,535 Well, we did sleep together, and I can prove it! 395 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:14,830 I video taped the night we had sex. 396 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,210 Okay, future Steve and future Ethel, 397 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,171 you guys hard? 398 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,298 [Bleep] Yeah, you're hard. 399 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:27,134 The things I'm about to do to past Ethel 400 00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:30,721 are gonna blow your mind. 401 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:31,639 [Snoring] 402 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,766 What...What happened? 403 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,392 Get up, past Steve! 404 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,728 Oh, God! He's dead! 405 00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:40,439 Who are you texting? 406 00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:44,318 Yes! I didn't make love to Steve! 407 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:46,904 God, this couldn't get any worse. 408 00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,782 Uh! Uh! Skymall! 409 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,826 Woody, I'm going to rid you of your delusions. 410 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,913 If you answer my questions with an irrational response, 411 00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,581 I will shock you. 412 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,708 You can do this, Johnson. Just lie your way through it. 413 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,835 You're also attached to a lie detector. 414 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,171 So if you lie, I will shock you. 415 00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,631 Oh, shit. 416 00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:09,259 Question one: Do you live with a talking bear? 417 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:11,512 Yes, I don't. Ha. That ought to... 418 00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:12,513 [Buzzing] [Screams] 419 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:13,681 That was a lie. 420 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:14,640 Okay, I do! 421 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:16,141 [Screams] 422 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,393 That was delusional. 423 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,144 What the hell do you want? 424 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,521 I want to help you. 425 00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,023 Again. Do you live with a talking bear? 426 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:26,402 Ah! What happens if I don't answer? 427 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,945 You get an ice cream. 428 00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,655 - I'll get an ice cream? - Delusional. 429 00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,991 [Screams] 430 00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:34,368 Thanks for meeting us, Steve. 431 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,162 We want to talk about you being our surrogate. Skymall. 432 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,580 I have some terms. 433 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,082 Um, okay. 434 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,500 How bad can it be? 435 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,211 - I want rich to die. - Not gonna happen. 436 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,587 Worth a shot. 437 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,590 Dead. Die. Death. Paralyzed. 438 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:52,428 Steve, Steve, Steve, I understand you're upset, 439 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,471 but as payment for being our surrogate, 440 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:58,350 I'm prepared to offer you $100,000 441 00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,685 in skymall credit. 442 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:03,188 The only thing I want is Ethel. 443 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:05,107 I know we don't always get along, 444 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,400 and my bank account's 445 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,402 just a jizz-stained sock full of pennies, but... 446 00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:12,322 Would you like to make another deposit, you freaky bastard? 447 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,534 Anyway, I know that if you would just give me a chance, 448 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,327 I could make you happy. 449 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,705 That's why I put this baby in me. 450 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:23,250 Wow, Steve. That's so... 451 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:24,752 Sad. That's not gonna happen. 452 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,545 Once you have this baby, rich and I are moving 453 00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,422 to a Skymall offices in Japan. 454 00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,924 I want an abortion! 455 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:34,553 Dr. Kuzniak, I need to schedule a... Oh. 456 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:35,804 How'd you get here so fast? 457 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,306 Oh, I was heading to the university 458 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,016 for a little post-spring break cleanup. 459 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,309 Choco taco? 460 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,144 Steve, you can't get an abortion! 461 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:45,939 Yes, I can! My body, my choice! 462 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,066 He's right! 463 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,650 But it was in my body first, 464 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,736 - So it's still my choice. - She's right! 465 00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:51,904 But it was my seed, 466 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,615 so I should make the choice for everybody. 467 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,161 - Anybody else confused? - Yeah, I am. 468 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,580 I say we all agree to kill this [bleep] 469 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,540 And go to Hooters and look at some titties. 470 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,542 Sounds good to me. I'm a lesbian. 471 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,586 Sounds good to me. I'm a hypocrite. 472 00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:11,006 All: Kill! Kill! kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! 473 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,758 With pleasure. 474 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:14,301 Just one problem. 475 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,677 My water broke. 476 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,722 Well, looks like I have to kill this thing on the outside. 477 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,105 Steve, breathe. Ethel, hold his hand. 478 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:28,607 Dr. Kuzniak, look up how Schwarzenegger gave birth 479 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:29,900 in the movie Junior. 480 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,610 Ah, c-section. 481 00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:32,861 But enough about my theater seats. 482 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,446 How do I get this baby out? 483 00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,283 [Stomach growls] 484 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,828 Wow. Haven't heard that sound ever. 485 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:50,629 Why isn't this fridge magically filling itself? 486 00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:52,881 [Electrical fizzling] 487 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,092 Woody, you forgot to pay the power bill! 488 00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:56,635 Oh, that's right. 489 00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:58,220 I guess I have to spring him from that nuthouse. 490 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:00,430 [Barks] 491 00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:01,557 [Pop] 492 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,475 I want to be inside you. 493 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,893 Why is that thing glowing? 494 00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:08,689 Happy tree. Happy tree. Happy tree. 495 00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:11,650 Does something seem weird about Woody? 496 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,610 - No. - Woody, pack your straight jacket. 497 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:14,736 We're getting out of here. 498 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,739 Ah! No! The demon from my mind! 499 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,992 Get away from me! You're not real! 500 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:21,410 Is this real? 501 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,454 - Jesus Christ! - Ha ha! Yes, my son? 502 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,832 Hey, doc. Turns out I can talk. 503 00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:29,585 So I'll be taking home the fat, the black, and the ugly. 504 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:33,422 It's a talking bear! It's a talking bear! 505 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,340 - Growl. - It's a talking bear! 506 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:38,135 No! No! you saw it! He was talking! He's a mother... 507 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,761 He was talking! 508 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,764 Oh, no! Not the bees! 509 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:47,936 [Gibberish] My eyes! 510 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,688 [Coughs] 511 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:52,941 Here comes that bundle of joy. 512 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,569 This is gonna be the greatest day of my life. 513 00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,820 Congratulations. 514 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,447 You've given birth to a beautiful, 515 00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:01,033 5-Pound, 2-ounce tumor. 516 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:02,367 All: What? 517 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,952 But how is that possible? 518 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,913 Hmm, I guess you never were pregnant. 519 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,916 I must've transferred an ovarian cyst from Ethel's body 520 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,834 into yours, thinking it was an embryo. 521 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,462 What about the ultrasound and the checkups? 522 00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,005 And the skymall DNA test? 523 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:17,007 Well, skymall products are shit. 524 00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:18,842 The resto oversights that result 525 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:22,054 from having your own prescription pad. 526 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:24,514 Well, I'm out of here, 527 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:27,851 Using my patented skymall flying squirrel suit. 528 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,853 Skymall! [Glass shatters] 529 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,605 [Crash] [Car alarm blares] 530 00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,815 All right. I'm leaving. 531 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:38,612 Oh wait! So, if it was a tumor, whose choice was it? 532 00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,739 You don't know. You don't know. 533 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:41,949 You don't know. 534 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,700 And none of us do, frankly. 535 00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,744 Abortion is a very complicated issue. 536 00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:46,995 Oh, who gives a shit? 537 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,705 I thought we were going to Hooters. 538 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:49,957 Well, all's well that ends well. 539 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,833 I'l go grind this into taco meat. 540 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,961 No! Mwah. 541 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,671 I'm keeping it! 542 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,464 Aah!