So on this sad, and yet happy day,
let's all raise a glass to celebrate the retirement
of everyone's favorite park ranger,
the glue that held us all together for so many years,
to...
Harold.
- Who the [bleep] is Harold? - I've never heard of him.
Woody put him on lookout duty in the fire tower 20 years ago
and forgot to relieve him.
So he spent two decades by himself in a small tower?
Wow, he's lucky he didn't go nuts.
You're the devil.
I will burn you!
[High-Pitched] You got to catch me first.
[Laughs demonically]
Tequila sunrise, hold the sunrise.
[Glass shatters]
- It's on the house. - Well, aren't you a sweetheart?
Do you really think the bartender
just gave you a free drink because he's a sweetheart?
Yeah, why else?
Because your pants are so tight,
I can read the mileage on your vagina.
That is so sexist.
I don't get preferential treatment because of my looks.
He gives out drinks because he's a nice guy.
Can I get a glass of tap water?
Beat it, sea world.
[Uplifting music]
[Crunching]
[Screams]
♪ Brickleberry ♪
Woody, after two years of hard work,
my sanctuary for orphan baby animals
is almost complete.
Will you throw me a big grand opening party?
Sure, Ethel, whatever you want.
Yes! See, Malloy? It's not about my good looks.
It's about my good ideas. Ohh, yeah...
Of course it is.
Woody... Could I...
No, [bleep] off!
Listen, people,
now that our darling Harold
has retired to Florida...
I thought they locked him up in a mental institution.
Florida, mental institution... What's the difference?
Anyway, we need a new ranger A.S.A.P.
Now, I got some money from Jackubowski
to shoot a recruitment video.
It's got to be good...
Like, Godfather III good.
Not dog shit like them first two.
Ethel, since you're the only person here
with a somewhat human appearance,
you're gonna be my lead actress.
Woody, did you forget something?
It's the first of the month.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The ranger of the month is...
Steve again.
Yay.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've to go to my office for an important meeting.
And I have to call my mom and tell her the good news.
[Melodic ringtone]
Hey...
I know that ringtone.
Hi, mom.
Mom, what are you doing?
Hi, honey.
Ooh!
We were just, uh...
Oh, I lost my car keys.
I was looking for them with my dick
in your mom's cooch.
You're screwing my mom!
Look, honey. It's complicated.
No, it's not. It's simple.
Your mom had sex with me to get you a job here,
and every month since
so you can be Ranger of the Month.
Even though you suck!
What? But I earned this medal.
I'm not a bad ranger.
Yeah, just like my balls
ain't slapping around on your mom's ass crack.
Oh, sorry you had to find out like this, dear.
Oh, got them!
Hey, hang on. I don't drive a saab.
Ranger recruitment video, take one.
And... Action!
Why would you want to work at Brickleberry national park?
Here's two reasons.
Now jump up and down and shake that sweater meat.
Boing-Boing.
Cut! That's not your line. That's your direction.
Now get them B-cups bouncin'.
Screw this. I'm outta here.
Fine, I don't need you!
I don't need any of you!
Get the hell off my set.
I'll finish this crap myself. Ow!
Woody's a real mother[bleep].
[Sobbing]
[Crying]
What's the matter, sweetie?
What's the matter?
You're banging my boss
so I could be ranger of the month.
Oh, you're still upset about that?
It's really not a big deal.
I do anyhing with anyone for my son.
Always have.
Wait... You've done this before?
Faster! Faster!
But the light's red.
Don't stop. Oh, don't stop!
Okay.
Great job.
You passed.
You had sex with everyone on the opposing team?
That was a long day.
Anywho, pizza for dinner?
Jeez, mom.
You have to promise me that you won't
sleep with anybody else in order to help me out.
I'm taking my life back.
You hear me?
Mom!
Ease back, cochise.
It's just the tip.
All right, here it is,
the finished recruitment video.
Denzel, try out to talk to the screen.
[Thunder crashing]
[Screaming]
[Rocks blasting]
Ha!
[Roars]
Ugh!
[Flames roar]
Brickleberry!
The legend continues!
What the hell was that?
That was three-part to million dollars of taxpayer money well-spent.
But it doesn't make any sense.
Hey, screw you. It worked.
Look at all these applicants.
Navy Seal, Green Beret, Ted Nugent.
I'll handle the hiring process.
We need to show these applicants
that working here is serious business.
♪ Da da-da-da da daah... ♪
Pow! Ha-Ha, got her.
[Farting]
Welcome to hell week.
You wanna be a Brickleberry ranger?
Well, this is your chance to prove it.
But those who can't cut it, ring the loser bell.
Who's that?
One of your coworkers if you make it.
You'll be seeing her every day.
Me first! Me first!
[Bell dinging]
[All clamoring]
Sorry I'm late.
Looks like we have a winner.
Woody, it's gonna difficult search,
but I think I've found our ranger.
Dirk, come on in.
[Crashing, clattering]
Meet Dirk Mahogany.
He's a former navy seal,
and he's the guy who landed the kill shot
that took down Bin Laden.
Oh, and best of all,
he is an expert on orphan baby animals.
Hey, sounds terrific.
Good job, Ethel.
[Door opens]
[Sweet, gentle music]
Holy shit.
Hi, I'm Amber.
- Wow! - Damn!
[Giggling breathily]
I'm here about the job.
Ya, actually, we've already decided...
That you're hired.
Oh, goodie!
- What? - Yes!
Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?
Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?
You shot my husband!
Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.
He's not a bear!
He's just Armenian.
It's okay. She's hot.
Bear!
Show the world there's one less clogged shower drain.
Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.
Good morning, everybody.
So Ethel, how's the feel to be the new Connie?
Woody, I put all my dirty panties
in your cabin like you asked.
What's my next assignment?
Oh, pick up them pencils I dropped on the floor.
Where?
Here's good.
Nice and slow-like.
This job is easy.
Whoops! [Laughs]
Oh, it's like I've lotion all over my hands.
I have dry skin.
Plus I beat off earlier.
Can I have a five-minute break?
I need to wring out my spanx.
Oh, God. [Squishing]
Whatever.
At least Amber can't do much damage
after she replaces crazy Harold up in the fire tower.
Fire tower, the hell with that.
She has more important things to do.
Like what?
Whoopsie.
Denzel, you're going to the fire tower.
So let me get this straight.
I'll be up there by myself with nothing at all to do?
- Uh... Huh. - Sounds like my dream job.
See y'all crackers later.
But aren't you afraid you'll go insane up there
all by yourself, like Harold did?
I ain't gonna go insane.
Only white people go insane.
Y'all don't know how to relax.
I'll bet you go crazy within five minutes.
Oh, whatever, man.
Well, I really miss that [bleep] when he goes
to the fire tower.
Whoa.
We don't use that term here.
Oh, sorry.
I'll really miss that [bleep]
when he goes to the watchtower.
Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.
Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.
Yes, I would.
It's always wrong when ugly people say it.
Bye, Amber.
Bye, [bleep]!
You know what? Screw you guys.
I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.
Oh, I want to go!
I like baby "aminals."
Anything for you, honeypot.
Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.
Ow, I love to show her the ropes.
Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.
God damnit!
These are all lies.
Lies, lies, lies!
I didn't earn these.
My mom's vagina did.
Well, I like your mom's vagina did.
Wait, wait, did you just beat me to my own insult?
Steve, you just accomplished something on your own.
I did. I mean, I did!
Unless my mom banged you, so you would say that.
No, but she did bang you in the first placed
for a hot dog eating contest.
Huh, I guess we both swallowed a lot of wieners that day.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
I can go back and try to earn all these things
I've got in this life, but for real this time.
Mom, I want to list of everybody you've ever banged
in order to get me something in life.
She's faxing it to me now.
Who has a fax machine?
Oh, I was in Staples and someone just gave it to me,
and I... God damnit, mom!
I guess they found her easy button.
I guess they found her...
Oh, I could have taken the week off.
Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
Hee-Ya!
I did it on my own this time.
Yes, you did.
But I miss giving your mother
fist training in her lady parts.
Hi-Ya! Hi-Ya!
Ho-Ya!
Oh, cute, cute, cute!
Be careful.
I rescued that poor little guy
up to his parents were killed by predators.
Oh, no, the predator?
Someone call Arnold Schwarze-[bleep].
That's not how you pronounce it, at all.
Hey, little birdie.
You don't need to be so sad.
Here.
What did you just do?
I gave him a zoloft to make him happy.
You can't give a bird zoloft!
[Groans sleepily]
Oh, no. [Giggles]
That adderall will take the edge off.
See?
Fly away, God's creature.
Thud!
What a dream job,
I'm gettin' a pay for sitting on my ass and chilling.
Them fools think I'm gonna go crazy in five minutes
just because I'm up here by myself.
I've already been up here four minutes,
and I ain't never felt more sane in my life.
Ain't that, right? Owl made out of spaghetti?
Don't-a worry, Denzel.
I bet you gonna be just-a fine.
Thank you all for being here tonight
to celebrate the opening
of the Ethel Anderson's Orphan Animal Sanctuary.
Hello?
So... Do Asian people
see the world in letterbox?
Ah...Sure, sure. Whatever you say.
Welcome, Amber?
We're supposed to be celebrating
the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.
Change of plans, fugly.
Now scram. You're blocking my view of Amber.
This is my night.
This is not about some racist pill-popper
with nice tits.
Aw, thanks, Ethel.
And thanks for coming to my welcome party.
You look so cute.
Amber, you are so sweet
for lying to Ethel like that.
Give me a hug.
Now one from behind.
Enough of this bullshit, Woody.
We both know that she's not paid to do any job at Brickleberry.
Sure she is.
What job would you like, Amber?
I like the baby "aminals."
Good idea.
From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "Aminal" Sanctuary,
and you're in charge.
Woody, you can't do that.
Already done! Now cut out, Nanny Mcphee.
You're bringing down the party.
Can I get something strong?
Beat it, sea world.
Oh Connie, are you putting up
more cameras in my cabin?
No, I'm taking them down.
I'm putting them up in Amber's cabin.
Sorry, Ethel.
It's not you, it's me.
I like hot chicks.
Hello, low point.
What am I gonna do, Malloy?
Because she's so hot, I've lost all my animals.
Including Connie.
She'll kill them all if I don't do something drastic.
Like what?
If it's looks they want,
it's looks they'll get.
Hmm, plastic surgery.
But why, Ethel?
You're so...
Slightly above average.
I need to be a ten.
Give me the "I Hate Myself" special.
[Smooth, funky music]
♪ ♪
Hello, boys.
Holy crap.
Did you get stung by a jellyfish?
Oops! I got to pick up these pencils.
No. no!
How's about you put me back in charge
of my orphan animals?
How about I put you in charge
in getting your nipples away from me?
What?
I'm hot. I'm a ten.
I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Look, scare-a reid.
As long as Amber's around,
she's in charge of the "aminals"!
Aww... Look how happy he is since I took over.
I got to buy some more pills.
The red kitty dogs love them.
Fly away, God's creature.
Yay!
Now there's two kitty dogs.
[Screams] [Popping, deflating]
So far this has been pretty easy.
Gotta say, Malloy,
I think my mom put out for absolutely no reason.
I could have done all of this myself.
Williams!
You dead man, you [bleep] dick!,
Jimmy Wisniewski? The bully from my childhood?
You haven't picked on me since the 7th grade.
That's right Williams, and the only reasons
I stop picking on you is because...
My mom?
But we were 12!
She started screw up like a 13-year-old,
[Bleep] dick!
Wait, she's been sleeping with you
for the last 20 years?
Every wednesday at 2:30 p.m.,
but she just cut me off,
a beat-down coming.
Meet me at the flagpole at sundown, dingus!
Are you sure we can't work something else out?
You know, I have my mom's tiny, soft hands.
Good, they'll be easier to break,
you [bleep] dick!
Damn, I'm loving it here,
and I've never felt less crazy than I do right now,
chillin' with my new friends,
spaghettI owl, Turtle-ini,
and Beaver-oni.
I'm so happy to have all you talking Italian-food animals
to keep me from going nuts up here.
Hey, want to blaze-a one?
Hell, yeah!
Smart-ass shit up FettuccinI Al-Frogo.
Hi, I'm looking to hire a hit man
to kill a female park ranger named Amber.
Why would I want to kill Amber?
She's hot as balls.
Woody, is that you?
Do you have a side business as a hit man?
Hit man? No.
This isn't Woody Johnson.
It's Judy Wonson.
I'm... [High-Pitched] A woman.
Oh, I better go make a tuna casserole
and douche the ol' clam.
I'm a woman.
Aww screw it! I'll do it myself.
[Gasps]
Oh!
Now I get it.
[Rustling]
Ethel, what are you doing here?
Something I've wanted to do from the minute you got here.
God damn, you are hot.
[Both moaning]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
[Both moaning]
Oh!
[Gasps]
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I fell for her too.
But that ass is so...
No, no, no.
[Crying]
Amber, are you crying?
I thought you're the only one here
that didn't look at me like a piece of meat.
I'm sick of getting by on my looks.
And because I never had to work for anything,
I suck at everything!
You could be a great ranger,
and I can help you!
Really?
It's not about looks.
I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.
You think so?
Smell for yourself.
I don't know, Malloy.
Are you sure your plan will work?
Trust me.
It's the key to street fighting.
Don't worry, Wisniewski.
I'll try not to kill you.
Ha-Doo-Ken!
Something's wrong, Malloy.
The fireballs aren't coming out.
Keep trying.
Ha-Doo-Ken!
Uh, Sonic boom!
Sonic boom!
Uh, Yoga-Flame.
[Groaning]
Somebody help me!
No, no.
It's time to take control
of my life!
Steve, eat this power pellet.
Okay!
[Gagging]
You know what, I just realized I forgot to pack any food.
Well that, Denzel. You know what they say.
Whenever you feel hungry
or your tummy starts to growl...
♪ It helps to has some tasty friends ♪
Like me, spaghetti owl!
All: ♪ Eat us, eat us ♪
♪ With the tastiest friends around ♪
♪ Eat us, eat us ♪
♪ No need to go into town ♪
♪ Because when you've got friends who... ♪
Jesus Christ!
What the hell are you doing?
Ah!
My eye! I'm blind!
What have you done?
You crazy bastard!
What?
You were singing a song called eat us.
It was just a song.
We thought you're our friend,
not a sick cannibal.
But I was hungry,
and you all made me out of pasta!
What's wrong with you?
My eye! [Wailing]
Let's teach him a lesson.
We'll eat him.
Get back, all of you!
I'll torch every single one of you delicious mother[bleep]s.
Oh, man!
Whoa!
Oh, shi...
Could you tell me when he hits the ground?
I'm no longer have a depth perception.
The coyote says...
A-roo!
That's right.
You're on your way to being a great ranger.
Yay!
I think we're ready
for the plant or animal coloring book.
Be right back.
Oh, in the meantime,
study these forest flash cards.
Oh, my God.
That's a...
Fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is!
This is it, Amber.
It's time to be a great ranger.
Amber, where'd you go?
I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next.
We can work out on our scissoring.
Did someone say, "scissoring?"
[Camera clicks]
You know Malloy, it feels good,
to find let him take control of my life.
What are you talking about?
Your mom's been banging Wisniewski
for a half an hour.
Suck that, you [bleep] dick.
Yeah, but I called her.
It was my decision.
That's taking control.
Next week, regular time?
Mom, I now realize
that you were only banging everyone because you love me.
Thanks for [bleep]-ing my life up.
All the way to the top.
Top of the world, Steve.
You're a fat poor ranger and your mom's a dirty whore.
Amber! Amber?
Has anyone seen Amber?
Ethel, I...
I think we lost her.
I did it!
I saved them!
Whoa.
Did I get burned a little?
I can't really feel anything.
It's not... Bad.
Here.
Ooh, much better.
You were right, Ethel.
I can be a great ranger.
So, um...
Thank you for your bravery, and, um...
Amber, you're fired.
Oh!
Because I have a couple of burns?
No, because I can see through your face.
Ethel, tell them what you told me,
that it's not about looks.
It's abourt what's on the inside.
You know what, Woody? Amber's right.
Looks or no looks,
she does belong at Brickleberry.
And I know the perfect place for her.
All: ♪ Eat us, eat us ♪
♪ We're the tastiest friends around ♪
♪ Eat us, eat us ♪
♪ No need to go into town ♪