CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello there.
Hello.
Thank you very much. Hello, everybody.
Hello to you at home as well.
Good evening and welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
Are you ready for a great night of Saturday television?
I hope so, because we've got a great show for you this evening.
Let's have a look at who's in my green room.
First up, a couple who made their names in sport and modelling,
they've gone on to take over TV
and now rule the world of podcasting,
it's Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Peter. Hello, Abbey.
Alongside them, one of my favourite guests
and one of the nicest and funniest men in showbiz,
it's only Alan Carr, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan in the building.
I love Alan Carr.
And we have the brilliant comedian
and star of last year's I'm A Celeb, it's Babatunde Aleshe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Big things happening for Babatunde.
Also on the show, we've got an actor who's been CGI'd so many times,
I'm not even sure if this is really him,
it's Andy Serkis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Andy's in the big new Luther movie with Idris Elba,
we'll find out all about that.
And also this evening, I want to introduce you to someone,
I want you to meet a fantastic up-and-coming stand-up comedian -
she's had an incredible year, it's Amy Gledhill!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very funny young woman.
And finally on the show,
wow, we have some fabulous music for you tonight
from the man whose last three albums
have all gone straight to number one,
I'm so excited he's back on the programme, it's Paolo Nutini!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at that lovely hair on Paolo.
CHEERING So...
It's gonna be a great show.
Just before I get my guests out, what a week it's been.
It was World Book Day this week. Do we have any parents in?
Did you have to dress up your kids?
CHEERING
No parents in. LAUGHTER
Or we've got some really horrible parents
who don't want to get involved.
Every year, kids dress up
as a character from their favourite books,
which can be a nightmare for the mums and dads,
but this year, there was one particular book
that seemed to inspire a lot of young people,
and it surprised me, I mean, here's one, look at this little boy.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's a genuine photograph.
APPLAUSE
I mean, am I the only one who's surprised that
his favourite book is Spare?
Parents were relieved this week when TikTok said
it was going to introduce time limits for teenage users,
OK, it makes sense. I feel like TikTok is for younger people,
although sometimes oldies get involved as well.
Take a look at this dad
who's helping out his daughter by filming her TikTok dance.
MUSIC: 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift
# He knelt to the ground And pulled out a ring and said
# Marry me, Juliet You'll never have to be alone... #
That's lovely, isn't that cute?
APPLAUSE
That's so lovely, isn't it, seeing a dad put in some effort there,
have a really special moment bonding with his daughter.
But if we play back what he filmed, you can see what a great job he did.
LAUGHTER
# He knelt to the ground And pulled out a ring and said
# Marry me, Juliet You'll never have to be alone
# I love you... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was so lovely, he's so pleased with himself.
He's thinking, "I've really nailed this for her."
Let's get some people out, shall we get on with the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's get my first guests out to join me on the couch,
it's Babatunde Aleshe, Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy!
Here they come. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look amazing.
Hello. Nice to see you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Come here, come here.
So, thank you all for being here. It's great to have you here.
It's great to have them here, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for having us.
Let's start with Peter and Abbey, you've been together now for,
is it 16 years you've been together, 17 years?
16. Yeah.
And married for 12?
Yep. Is that right?
Am I right that you recently renewed your vows?
Yes, correct, yeah. And where was it? In the UK?
In the Maldives. The Maldives.
Yeah. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Pete, did you get involved in organising this,
or did you just let Abbey do it? I was there.
LAUGHTER
You organised it, didn't you, for me? Kind of like a surprise.
So you organised it, Pete? Can I just say,
it was supposed to be on a certain day,
and it was the World Cup final,
so he was like, "I'm not marrying you again
"on the day of the World Cup final," so we had to change the day.
Third and fourth play-off, no-one watches that.
LAUGHTER
Babatunde, you've been married for how long now? Seven years now.
Seven years, to Leonie, is that right? Yes.
Congratulations. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, a whirlwind romance? What was your first date, for example?
We went Nando's.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING Can't go wrong with Nando's.
Keeping it real. What was it, peri-peri?
Yeah, peri-peri. I went for hot. My wife, you know,
she got the normal peri-peri. Think she went...
I think she's a weakling, she went for lemon and herb.
That's still spicy, though.
For who? For me.
ALL: Lemon and herb? Lemon and herb is still spicy.
Lemon? Yeah.
And herb? LAUGHTER
I'm like that...
OK, so you guys are working together now.
I don't know if you've heard it, it's called The Therapy Crouch,
and it's you two talking through your issues
and your kind of joys as well, your highs and lows as a married couple.
And helping other people.
How did it come about? Whose idea was it?
Well, listen, I've got a podcast that I absolutely love doing.
Really successful as well. Been really successful, you know,
but that was talking about football.
But for me and Ab to do one together,
it was something that we can do at home,
and I think everyone sees, you know,
we're modelling, or in pictures, and maybe has a,
you know, a misconception. Think I'm a bitch or something.
LAUGHTER
No, I think it's easy to judge, you know,
someone by a couple of pictures, you know,
but I think when you hear Ab speaking,
she's incredibly funny, she's warm,
and our dynamic's quite nice as well, so...
And it seems to have gone quite well,
so we're pleased we've done it.
Well, it's lovely, I mean, it's very authentic,
it comes across as very honest and you're very...
I'm actually surprised at how open you are.
Cos you have the Weekly Whine,
this is where you come in with a different...
It's not a complaint, it's a little thing
that's been niggling you about the other person in the relationship.
And I think a lot of men in the relationship would understand.
You were complaining about some of the presents
that Pete had bought you.
You know, once a year, he'll get me a special gift and, you know...
Would that be for your birthday? For Christmas. Christmas, OK.
And, erm, he's the only person who can go into Chanel
and get it wrong. Like, I'm nearly 40 years old
and he buys me a friggin' bum bag. Yeah.
I'm like, "When am I gonna wear a bum bag?!"
So I've noticed the kids are wearing them now.
LAUGHTER
What annoys me about Ab, if you don't mind, is...
LAUGHTER
..in the car, you know the middle bit there with the drinks holder?
And she'll have, like, it's just got everything in it,
like, it's got fruit in it, it's got lipsticks,
it's got, erm, just make-up. Yeah.
COVID masks, that kind of thing. A hairbrush, a peeled orange.
There was one time when there was coffee
and it was floating, the lipstick was floating like a boat.
Wow, in the car? That is disgusting.
But I had to slam on and all the coffee went everywhere.
But then you left it in there. LAUGHTER
Do you share problems with your wife like this?
Do you talk openly, or...?
I can see from your expression, possibly not.
Listen, my wife is Jamaican, I don't share no problems.
LAUGHTER
You know what I'm saying?
APPLAUSE
None.
I know you guys talk about your kids and the family a lot,
and you talk about, in your act at the moment, Babatunde,
you talk about your son, Judah, is that right? Judah.
How old is Judah? He is six years old.
Young man. OK. I imagine, though, having somewhat of a different
kind of life to the one you...
Growing up with a father who's in media.
My son, like, he's grown up with this middle-class lifestyle...
that I've provided for him, you know?
But I think he's spoilt to the point where it's like now,
when he asks me, "Dad, let's go Disney World,"
and I'm just like, "Nah, you're way too privileged.
"You know what we'll do? We'll go Tottenham."
LAUGHTER
So instead of a roller coaster, I take him on a bus ride,
you know what I'm saying? Mix it up,
try and add the working class back into him.
Although a bus ride in Tottenham is a bit like a roller coaster. It is.
LAUGHTER
And so, has he got a bit of a posh accent?
He has, man. I don't like the way he talks.
He embarrasses me every day when, like,
especially when my friends come over, my son will be like,
"Oh, hello!" That's like us!
I don't like it. Ours...
My kids don't even understand my accent.
I was like, when we went on the tube, I'm like,
"Sophia, don't touch that pole, it's full of germs."
And she's like, "Mummy, what's 'gems'?"
She went, "Oh, you mean germs?"
I was like, "Yeah." She's so posh!
Baba's touring in his big new show at the moment,
you're doing a run of that, it's called Babahood.
He's on tour until October, so there's still tickets available,
for the later dates? Yeah.
What's your audience? Has it changed since I'm A Celebrity?
It has, man. I get, like, there's way more white people now,
which lets me know I'm doing good in life, you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
And it's just changed, like, it's just from all ages,
like, I get, you know, from 16 all the way up to 70.
So you get the older fans in? Yeah, I do, man.
The old people like me. Some comedians I know
do a meet-and-greet afterwards,
where the audience can come and see you. Do you do that? I do.
What kind of interactions do you have?
Er, I get a lot of, erm...
elderly women hitting on me. LAUGHTER
Yeah, elderly women like me a lot, and, erm...
they're freaks, I'm not gonna lie. LAUGHTER
They say some stuff I'm not gonna repeat on TV.
So what kind of things do they say?
I'll say one thing, so one woman, she was just like...
HE EXHALES All right.
She was like, "I want you to come to my house
"and I'm just gonna rub your body with butter."
And I said to her,
"Who rubs whose body with butter?" You know what I'm saying?
I'm lactose intolerant, you can't rub my body...
with no butter. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's a crime.
That is a crime.
What you talk about on tour? What other things do you do in your act?
What things do you enjoy sharing with the audience?
My, er, experience in the jungle. Of course.
You made some good friends? Yeah.
Mike Tindall, I believe you became really close friends with.
Yeah. Scarlette Douglas, Mike Tindall,
erm, yeah, everyone, everyone. Everyone?
Everyone. LAUGHTER
I mean...
All right, look, look, look... I'm just saying, everyone?
Look, with Matt, yeah...
BOOING
APPLAUSE
You know what it is?
I'll be real. For me, erm...
I won't lie, it was tough.
But at the end of the day, I do believe in second chances
and I was just like,
let me, you know, at least try to be the nice person.
That's really nice. That's a lovely attitude, isn't it?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But I believe
he's the only one who's left the WhatsApp group, is that right?
Yeah, I checked, I checked today and I was like,
"Oh, he's not in the group any more."
I don't know if he's been kicked out or if he left on his own accord,
but he isn't in there, you know.
I bet that's when all the memes started flying in.
LAUGHTER
No comment, no comment.
I'd love to...
Let us join for a day so we can see those memes.
Hell, no. Nah, I would not let...
I mean, we're good in there, but no.
But he kind of really seemed to want to bond with you.
He was kind of sitting next to you all the time, getting close to you.
Yeah, he was, man, like, early in the morning.
I had to tell him to go away from me, like...
No, cos I'm a very introverted person,
as much as I do my comedy and stuff like that.
First thing in the morning, he would come and just, like, sit here.
I'm like, "Brother, move, man!"
You know what I'm saying? "What's all of this?"
First thing, as soon as I open my eyes, Matt's right there.
It's like, "Hey! I don't want to see your face."
LAUGHTER
Would you do Strictly? Cos Abbey did amazing on Strictly.
They must have asked you, Baba, I bet they've asked you.
They have. I can't dance, man.
You can dance. But I couldn't dance.
I mean, I can, I can shake a leg, I can do a little two-step.
I saw you do the dance in the jungle,
you did the dance to Candy. Yeah, the Candy dance, that's about it.
You did that well, you taught Matt Hancock.
Well, you nearly taught him.
Yeah, nearly. I don't know what he was doing.
I thought we might play a game with Peter and Abbey
and I thought you and I could join in as well, certainly you could.
Do you remember the show which they used to call Mr And Mrs,
but I'm not gonna say that on the show
cos we'll get sued. So, do you remember a show...
LAUGHTER ..when they had married couples
and they'd ask them how much they knew about each other?
We thought we'd do that with Pete and Abbey
and I thought it might be fun if you guessed what the answer would be.
So, unofficially, for the next few minutes, you're a threesome.
LAUGHTER
It's all the rage now, innit?
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Is it? You tell me.
Er... LAUGHTER
Who's married to a pervert? Me.
Can you pass that down to Baba, please?
And then there's two for Pete. You can see the way it goes,
we've got Abbey on one, Peter on the other,
and you hold up the one...
And I'm gonna give you some questions
and we'll see which ones are which and we'll find out some information.
Which of you has the weirdest pet name?
LAUGHTER
We haven't got one, have we? No, we're crap at that.
You don't have pet names for each other? You don't have a pet name?
No, I call her babe and she calls me Pete.
LAUGHTER
Wow. That is boring.
Even I've got a pet name for my wife.
Babe and Pete?
Baba, do you have a pet name for your wife? Yeah.
Pony. Pony? Yeah.
Pony, and her name for you? Uhh, that's... Let's not...
LAUGHTER
I can't repeat that on TV, you know what I'm trying to say, bruv. OK!
Who do you think your kids like the most?
What was...
Who the kids like the most. Like the most?
Yeah, simple.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah, that's... But you're bound to say that.
So are they. LAUGHTER
I'm the favourite, without a doubt.
Really? But you're the tougher parent?
Ab's more strict, you know, the schoolwork,
and I'm like, "Forget all that, we'll have fun."
LAUGHTER
You went with Abbey, why did you go with Abbey?
I'm trying to make the right choice, I'm always...
Always side with the woman.
It's his Jamaican wife.
Very similar to Scouse, darling.
I think I know what you're gonna say here.
Who holds grudges for the longest?
Wow! LAUGHTER
Hold on.
Huh? What happened? Straight up.
That was by accident. I'm not a grudge hold...
That's actually one of my best traits, I think.
Yeah, it's good, it's good. What Ab will do is blow out,
blow out at me, and then it's over quick.
Which I got from listening to your podcast,
but I think if I hadn't heard you say it,
I would've thought you were a grudge-holder. Oh, no.
But you're not. I can't stand it.
You get it out of your system and move on. Yeah.
I would like to say, right, this is the issue, let's work through it,
put it to bed, over. Forget it.
The only reason I don't... The only reason I hold a grudge
is because I can't get a fucking word in...
LAUGHTER
..in the first place.
You are so horrible to me, you know that?
Who has the worst bedtime habits?
So, getting ready for bed or in bed.
LAUGHTER Wow.
All three of you went straight in. How did you know?
Because, like, I'm just going off what MY wife does,
and it takes her so long to get ready just to go to bed.
So I'm assuming that must be the same? It's a similar thing.
And also, she'll go up, like, before me,
and she likes a cup of tea in bed, so I'll make her a cup of tea,
and I'll bring it up, and then she's on my side.
And I'm like, I don't know how to navigate that. You know, so...
You are on his side of the bed? Always. Yeah.
It's always. That's not allowed. Exactly.
I drink my cup of tea and eat my biscuits on his side of the bed.
LAUGHTER That's a scandal, right?
That is outrageous. An absolute scandal.
Yeah, but you don't want a crumb on your side.
Well, I don't know. I can't sleep in a crumb.
But what I'm saying, right... Well, don't eat a biscuit in bed!
I know, but I like it. I have to have biscuits in bed every night.
Yeah, so I've got crumbs, I've got an empty cup of tea on the side.
Wow. And then also, I don't know how to, like,
cos I'm knackered now, I'm knackered.
It's a really hot tea, it's gonna be a long time,
and I'm like, just...
You're hovering. ..sort of hovering near it.
Pretty much paces up and down. So, I'm pacing, like...
Is this every night? It's most.
What time roughly is this?
Erm... Half-eight. We go up early, like... Half-eight?!
We've got four kids! We're exhausted.
I think we can all have a moment at half-eight tomorrow evening
and just think about the suffering this poor man is going through.
It's outrageous.
I've gotta say, I think this threesome unit is working well.
Because he's on my side all the time. Yeah.
Give me some skin. Come on.
We'll take a break. Don't go away because in a few minutes,
we'll be joined by Alan Carr. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
It is the always hilarious Mr Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A ray of sunshine. Mwah! Mwah! Come on in.
You want to sit next to Abbey, there? Oh, lovely!
Love having you here.
You look great. You look very glammed up.
Since you have been doing Drag Race, you've got more glitzy?
Yeah, I like it. Oh, why not? Yes, yes. It's nice, innit?
It looks lovely, you look lovely. Love, love, lovely. Thank you.
Here's the thing - Alan has quite a lot in common with Peter
cos Alan grew up in a footballing family cos your dad,
was he the manager? Manager of the Cobblers.
CHANTING: Graham, Graham Carr got nowhere, we don't care.
Graham, Graham Carr. Oh-ah! That's what they used to sing.
And he was a scout for Newcastle? Yeah, and Man City, yeah.
And then... wherever he was manager, we'd go and move there.
So you moved around a lot? It's a kind of transient life, isn't it?
You must know that as well. So you have moved around a fair bit?
Yeah. We've moved round loads. I know his dad well.
He was incredible for Newcastle.
All the French players that they signed, it was your dad,
and is that right is cos he didn't like flying, wasn't it?
Oh, he hated flying. Hated flying.
He'd be like, "Oh, bloody hell,
"I gotta go to Argentina today, bloody hell."
Honestly, he was so miserable about flying.
You sound very different to him, then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
I don't know where this voice comes from.
You know, you speak to Americans, they go,
"Oh, my God, where are you from?" And I go, "Northampton,"
and they think everyone in Northampton sounds like this!
LAUGHTER
Like a seagull operating a fax machine,
SQUAWKING: "Hello, how're you doing?"
LAUGHTER
But then, he was manager of Blackpool,
so we had to move all up to Blackpool.
My brother played for them. Did he? Was my dad manager then?
Oh, I don't... He was the youngest player to play for Blackpool.
Is that right, or have I just made that up? I think you made it up.
He did play for them anyway, but, yeah... We did move there.
I'm sorry, when people talk about football, my brain just goes into,
# La, la, la. # Same.
But did you like being in Blackpool? How old were you then?
Oh, I was about, I was about 14, 15.
And then we lived above a launderette on the seafront. Nice.
HE STAMMERS
When it was, like, winter, and all the Christmas decorations were up.
You know, the illuminations? The lights. Yeah, famous for it.
I know, and I was there, me and my brother in my bedroom,
and there was this, like, giant Santa swinging in the window,
like, I swear that Santa's sack was gonna come through and kill me.
LAUGHTER Honestly, it was...
But I've always been fascinated by that period in your life,
which is why I'm excited
about the new project you're working on now.
We won't see it for a while. It'll be on ITV,
called Changing Ends, and it's your story?
Yeah, yeah. It's about me growing up, like, a camp kid in Northampton,
and my dad's football. My dad was the football manager.
And we've wrapped today. Finished today, and it's so...
Ollie, who plays me,... This is Ollie Savile, isn't it?
Ollie Savile - he is such a star, and he plays me.
He's so intelligent and lovely, and he's got funny bones.
It is absolutely...
It's quite hard to find a kid who is a bit like you,
but a younger version of you, I imagine.
Did you look far and wide? Well, yeah.
We sent out an open audition, so I got over 500 children
sending me impressions of me as a kid,
and some of them were so lovely.
Some of them were downright offensive.
LAUGHTER
I don't know... Bastard. You know what I mean?
I mean, who wants to see a kid in a fat suit?
And what kind of things were they saying?
What had they picked up on thinking this was an Alan Carr thing?
"Hello, how are you doing?"
I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can you imagine?
500 kids basically going, "Hello!"
It's like being back in the playground.
LAUGHTER
We were talking to Baba about being on I'm A Celeb, of course,
and Abbey was on Strictly.
You haven't done any of those sort of shows, I think, have you?
They've asked me. I'm not eating crocodile cock, I'm not.
LAUGHTER
Have you been offered any other reality shows apart from those ones?
This happened... Now, there was that show called The Farm.
Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yes. Well, yeah, but...
You know when the woman wanked off the pig? Oh, sorry.
The lady masturbated a pig. No, you can say that.
That doesn't make it any better. LAUGHTER
The lady who masturbated the offal.
Just in case the pig's watching. Excuse me. LAUGHTER
She did what people have to do on farms,
which she enabled the animal
to produce the necessary goods for... Wanked a pig off!
Yeah, but that makes it sound like it was a fun thing she was doing.
Can you imagine that?
What an episode of Countryfile that would be.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, we remember The Farm.
The Farm, well, that initially was 2005, 2006.
They wanted ten gays on a farm -
me, Christopher Biggins,
the late, great Dale Winton,
Julian Clary, all on a farm,
and then people would vote us off one by one.
And of course, I was naive back then.
I was thinking, "Wow."
I spoke to my agent, "I'd love to be on The Farm.
"I'd love to drive a tractor, learn how to plant the veg."
But of course, they just want me going, "Oh, my God,
"how do you milk this thing?" You know?
Did they have a title for this show? It's called The Farm!
That was gonna be called The Farm? SING-SONG: Ten gays on a farm.
LAUGHTER
I've got to be honest, with that cast, I'd've watched. I would watch.
Me and Christopher Biggins milking a cow? I would've watched.
You had a farm for a while, didn't you? And Paul O'Grady has a farm.
Julian Clary has a farm. John Bishop's got a farm.
Well, he couldn't be on the show. No, no. Oh, no. Well...
There's a John Bishop YOU know, and...
LAUGHTER
All I'm saying...
Or Joan Bishop, as I like to call her...
in the bedroom.
Joan Bishop! LAUGHTER
So, anyway, the reason why Alan's on,
is not cos of the sitcom you're not gonna see for about a year,
but... June the second!
Is it June the second this year? Yeah, for three months.
It's... all working. It's fast, then.
It's fast, yeah. OK, so we will see that,
but you've got a new series on right now.
AFTER LONG PAUSE: Yes, I have, yes. LAUGHTER
I've been so busy recently, I can't...
It looked like that was a surprise to you!
No, I know, I know, it's Interior Design Masters.
Interior Design Masters starts on Tuesday, is it?
On BBC One at 8pm. And you've been...
This has been a great success. You really enjoyed this, haven't you?
I could just tell. Yeah. I really loved it.
I mean, it's all about interior design, you know the format.
Ten amazing designers doing up either hair salons or hotels.
It is always a commercial venture, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Bars, something like that? Yeah, and then they all go home.
You know, the worst one goes home and all that,
but it's just really, really interesting.
This starts on Tuesday, BBC One, 8pm,
and you know with Alan on, it's great fun. Have a look at this.
White spaces are great, but a touch like this adds a bit more luxe.
HIGH-PITCHED: Ooh! Ooh!
Hi, Alan. Hiya. Is this the Ibiza room?
I love this. Whoo!
Yeah! Have you ever done that before?
Yeah. If I'm not going round a pole, I haven't had a good night.
I'm worried I'll get a rusty crutch. LAUGHTER
Remind me of your clientele again. Postgraduates, 21 to 25.
That why I wanted to do something youthful and quite modern.
My vibe is escapism, that Ibiza, Mediterranean kind of thing.
It's giving really peaceful vibes. That's exactly it.
No clutter, no stress. Except that massive, brown drainpipe.
Yeah, and I mean, all I had to do was pay a fiver for that.
You were robbed. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Interior Design Masters, BBC One, Tuesday, 8pm.
But have you learned much?
Do you think you'd be a good interior designer now?
I think... I mean, listen.
The first series, I was so out of my depth.
Check it out because, like,
I'm there, and you gotta sit in the room,
and they're talking about their designs.
And the woman's going,
"Does your settee talk to your table?
"What's the vocabulary in your downstairs toilet?"
I thought everyone was on acid.
LAUGHTER
I was like, "What the hell?!"
But I mean, you get better with it, you know.
And then, I've recently done The Italian Job, as you know.
With Amanda, which has been a great success.
APPLAUSE I loved that, yeah.
And there's a lovely chemistry between the two of you.
Yeah, we lived as man and wife for, like, three months in Sicily.
It was amazing. The sex was shit.
LAUGHTER
But it was so amazing cos I love Amanda.
Our friendship has just really grown and grown,
you know, with her,
and the thing is as well, cos I'm single now,
she was trying to get me in with a man, a Sicilian man, up there.
And I'm not gonna lie, and I know I'm no looker,
but some of those men were ropey.
LAUGHTER
Were they? Sicilian men?
I gave her a list of qualities I wanted in a man,
and I'm pretty sure teeth was at the top.
LAUGHTER
Don't go away. We're gonna take a break, but afterwards,
we'll be joined by Andy Serkis. See you in a few minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out here right now.
You know him from some of the most successful film franchises
of recent years, such as Lord Of The Rings,
Star Wars, and Planet Of The Apes.
It is of course, Andy Serkis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There you are. A bit of showbiz.
Have you met everyone?
Great to have you back on the show, Andy.
Lovely to have you here. It's lovely to see you, mate.
We've been talking about relationships.
Your wife is an actor as well?
Yeah, Lorraine Ashbourne, yeah. And you met via work, didn't you?
We met, yeah, we've been married for 32 years. Wow. Wow.
APPLAUSE
'88, '89?
So, how did you meet? What was your first date like?
Well, actually... So, we got together in character.
We met properly, our first date...
We both split up from other partners,
and we had started rehearsing this play
where the couple that we were playing were about to break up,
and we thought, it would be really good to improvise the moment
where they all get together,
which was a veiled excuse for getting off with each other, and...
So we agreed to meet at the back of Manchester Piccadilly station
at this pub called the Moulders Arms,
and, yeah, and we arrived, and we stayed in character.
She was playing a hooker from Newcastle,
I was playing this gambler, this kind of rakish gambler.
We've all had dates like that. LAUGHTER
So, you were both staying in the character you were gonna play?
We arrived in character. She was there, I arrived a bit late,
and we sat down,
and we started interacting as the characters we were playing,
and it just went on, and it carried on all night.
And we never broke character. All night long?
We were immersed in our characters.
Got to about 12 o'clock, we had our first kiss in character.
In character? Totally in character.
So, what was her character's name that you were kissing? Jean.
Jean, and what was your name that she was kissing? I've forgotten now.
LAUGHTER
Sean! Sean. So, Jean and Sean had a kiss,
but it was you and your missus?
It was me and Lorraine.
And it went on until about three in the morning.
We were both very, you know, out of it by then,
and then I threw up. So you spent the night together?
No! We didn't, no. But we had a romantic in character kiss,
and then I got on the bus and went home.
Was there ever a moment... When you kissed her as her... Yes.
..was it not as good as when she was a hooker?
LAUGHTER
It all went downhill when we started,
when we came out of character.
What is so weird about that is, it's quite a strange story,
a lovely story, but in a way, on your first date
or in the early stage of a relationship,
you are all playing a character.
Cos you're never fully relaxed, are you?
And you're trying to project in a certain way. Absolutely right.
Perhaps it's an honest thing? I think so.
Do you guys ever role-play
where you pretend to be other people? Mm-hm.
She asks me to be Jamie Redknapp all the time.
LAUGHTER
It's David Beckham!
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
I've never asked her, funnily enough, but...
Baba, you ever add a bit of spice
or bit of lemon herb to your relationship?
Yeah, man. Who do you pretend to be?
My wife's Jamaican, so I was like, I'll be Usain Bolt.
And my wife was just like, "You'd better not come fast."
I was just like, "Hey."
It means I'm a winner, you know what I'm saying?
Anyway, the new Netflix,
it's a feature-length Luther with Idris Elba.
Who didn't love the Luther TV series? It was amazing.
And this is the feature-length version
called Luther: The Fallen Sun,
and you play his nemesis in this, don't you? Yeah.
You are a nasty piece of work.
Yeah, for a change.
So, no, I play this very twisted kind of psycho,
who basically, he gets into everyone's homes
through their Alexas, through their computers.
He's a tech whiz, and made a lot of money out of tech,
and he basically is able to watch all of you out there...
And he uses that information, doesn't he?
He uses all that information to bribe people and to manipulate them.
It's a really nasty character.
What's the name of this guy you play?
He's called David Robey.
Remember that name, David Robey. He will be inside your heads.
David Robey coming up against the great Idris in the new feature,
which is in cinemas now, and on Netflix from Friday.
Have a look at this.
PHONE RINGS
'Subject one is using a mobile. Standing by. Over.'
RINGTONE
Who's this?
'You know who it is.'
Move! Excuse me.
Move, police.
Go, go, go, go. Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop!
Back. Look at me, look at me. Back!
Go, go, go, go.
Back, back. All right. OK, just relax.
Back, back. Stop.
It's over now, all right?
It's over now.
Why would you say that?
It's just about to get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've seen you in so many things that I've loved.
Obviously, Lord Of The Rings. Loved you as Gollum.
Loved you in the Planet Of The Apes movies, in the Star Wars films,
loved you as Ian Dury in the movie you made about his work.
But presumably the one that people talk about the most,
would it be Lord Of The Rings that people mostly come to you?
I would say that's probably fair, yes, absolutely.
And would you do Gollum, is that what they're asking?
Yeah, I get asked to do Gollum practically every day,
on the whole, for people.
If I'm on the Tube or walking up the road or whatever.
And so how do they build up to that?
Do they come straight in, or do they chat to you first about other stuff?
They chat to you first about other stuff, and then they say,
"By the way, my brother's a really big fan.
"Could you say, could you do an answerphone message for me?"
And this has been how many years since you played Gollum?
20. Because you did him first in Lord Of The Rings,
then in the Hobbit films. That's 20 years ago.
20 years.
Can I say, have you ever been in a situation
where you've had to, like, buy a ring
or get an onion ring or some kind of ring,
and then you've gone, "Oh, no..."?
Have you ever been in a situation where you've gone,
"I'm gonna have to do it"? Have you ever?
Have you ever had an onion ring? I've not...
I ask the questions people wanna hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever bought a ring and gone, "Oh, here we go"?
I've never bought an onion ring in my life, no. You're missing out.
You can't really buy them individually, can you?
But if you were to buy an onion ring... Yes.
..and someone wanted to take the onion ring off you...
LAUGHTER
..what would you say?
Let's pretend you've got an onion ring...
So cheap, the way you're getting me to do this. Such a cheap way...
Come on, it's got to be better than that.
I'm not asking you to do it,
I was genuinely interested about onion rings.
You know what? I believe you got that voice from hearing your cat?
Yeah. Which is amazing.
It's true, it's absolutely true.
We lived in Hackney and we had a cat called Dizz,
and I was looking for something that connected the voice
to kind of the physicality of the part.
A weird, feral...
Yeah, and something that kind of, like, was an involuntary action,
and then Dizz literally came in and coughed up fur balls on the floor,
and that sound of...
RETCHES
That came up. "Gollum, Gollum."
That's how that sort of...
You know what? When you start doing it, it is amazing.
It is amazing. Incredible.
Because when you sort of think, "Oh, he's an actor,"
but there's something about the way you did that, it's so unique
and so works for the character.
Well, you kind of use, I don't know whether this is fair,
but it's sort of the method acting process,
it's where you actually inhabit that life as much as possible,
without actually doing anything illegal,
but you inhabit the life of your characters as much as you can,
and you've gone to some extreme lengths for that.
Yeah, yeah. Tell us about some of them.
For example, when you played Ian Dury,
is it true you wore a calliper on your leg?
Yeah, yeah, and also, Ian, he had polio,
so the left side of himself was quite withered
and the right side was very strong, and he was quite muscular,
so I did train literally on one side of my body,
and then had a calliper on this side,
and that, over months and months and months,
to the way he used to swing his hip and so on and so forth, you know?
He had no hair on his body, and so I did have my whole body waxed,
which is literally the most painful thing that anyone's ever done to me,
and especially because the girl who was doing it to me,
bless her, it was her first time. GROANING
And she didn't quite heat the wax up enough,
and when it went onto my chest,
she literally had her foot up on the thing, and she was, like...
Oh, no! Oh!
You know, and it was, like,
I was practically passing out from the pain.
You had the whole body done in one session? Yeah.
One session? It was brutal. I was covered.
I was purple. Purple from head to toe.
Like an aubergine. Yeah, a shiny aubergine.
It did look, yeah, absolutely.
But one thing I was thinking about,
you know, I was talking about Gollum,
and you do get people coming up to you, and I know you do all the time.
Peter has a similar thing,
cos I've been with him when people have come up to him and said,
"Oh, Crouchy, could you do the robot?"
Oh, yeah. You get asked to do the robot all the time.
Yeah, it's mad. I did it on a football pitch in 2006.
Even kids who weren't born when I did that,
they come up to me and ask me to do it.
And do you do it for people? Yeah.
With the kids, they love it, they seem to love it, so you've got to.
It can...
Wherever, on the Tube, I can't just dance on the Tube!
LAUGHTER
We might ask you before the end of the show. Oh, no.
I do it on every show I go on, so...
CHEERING
Maybe we have to do it now. I'm sorry, Pete. Do it, do it!
We've got to give the people what they want.
I don't know why they want it. It's crap!
Well, hold it. Baba, you taught Hancock how to do the candy dance.
Yeah, I did, yeah. Do you do any locking and popping?
I used to do body popping. He's far better than me.
You could maybe broaden Pete's repertoire,
give him a few extra moves. Yeah, bro, let's do it.
Let's save this till the end of the show.
So, later on...
Gollum, Crouchy and...
LAUGHTER
We're gonna take a break, but don't go away
because we'll be joined by the brilliant comedian Amy Gledhill,
and Paolo Nutini performing live here in the studio.
See you in a couple of minutes. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out here.
She's a brilliant comedian who's making waves on the circuit.
It's the very funny Amy Gledhill!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Take it easy on those stairs! Hi!
You don't want to tumble. Hello.
Hi, mate. Hello.
Oh, hi! How are you? Hi!
Lovely to meet you. Hi!
GUESTS LAUGH
Hello!
Hiya! It's like a royal line-up for you there.
Oh, it's so exciting! Amy, lovely to have you on.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me.
This is crazy good. Tell us a bit about yourself.
Where are you from originally?
Originally, I'm from a little place I like to call York...
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
But I shouldn't, because it is pronounced Hull.
LAUGHTER
It's not the same, is it? It's not the same.
Close enough. It's close enough.
It's been a fantastic year for you.
And you have a tour at the moment. What's the tour called?
It's called The Girl Before The Girl You Marry. OK.
LAUGHTER Nobody gets it.
I've noticed a pattern, and that is, erm...
I fall in love, we date, we break up,
and then they get married super quick. Yeah.
So quick. And I was really sad about it at first,
but I've realised I've got a skill.
I get men ready for marriage. I'm like a human property developer.
LAUGHTER I actually think it's quite good.
So, it's a doer-upper, and then you flip it.
Yeah! Yeah. Whoa!
And so... And so what kind of things do you teach the men, do you think?
How do you sort of, like, get them better?
Do you improve them? Is that what you do?
I try to. I think... I think, being a human property developer,
you sort of see the good in people. Yeah.
And you see the potential.
And you know, with just a little bit of all of your time,
energy and money, you can improve them a bit.
And it's just things like, erm...
Like, there was a guy who wanted to give his mum,
for her birthday... I said, like, flowers.
And then he got her a limited-edition Batman mug.
LAUGHTER I'd be like, "No, don't...
"No, that's bad."
That sort of thing. And, like, empathy and compassion.
Yeah, yeah!
Just, like, general, just general things. Yeah, yeah!
Abbey, did you improve Peter, do you think?
We actually talked about this on our podcast. Oh, yeah!
I think there's a fine line of doing a man up.
You need to make them to about a six,
or they'll run off with someone else.
Yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER
Strong six there!
Baba, has Leonie given you the once-over?
Do you think you're a better man for being with her?
Er, I'm gonna say yes. LAUGHTER
My wife is gonna watch this, and so, yeah, yes! Yeah!
Baba, do you need rescuing?
LAUGHTER
I've been watching the show, and I feel really concerned for you!
APPLAUSE It's a hostage situation!
So, you talk... Presumably, do you talk about real relationships, then?
Are these based on...?
Is it more of a kind of creation or things that happen to you?
No, it's all real. It's all very, very real.
Erm... There was one guy who...
His only downfall was that he was a younger man,
so I think he just didn't have the finesse of romance,
and my back always hurts...
I think cos I'm top-heavy, you know?
AWKWARDLY: Sorry!
It's awkward, isn't it? It's like, "I'm so sorry about this."
LAUGHTER
And when my back'd go, cos he was young and stuff,
he'd panic, and he didn't know what to do.
The first time it happened in front of me, he just went,
"Oh, God, erm...
"do you want me to hold your tits up?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And I was...
I was like... "What do you mean?"
I was in agony. I was like, "What do you mean?"
And he did it, and it was brilliant!
LAUGHTER It was so good.
But that became his go-to move. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So if I, like, didn't get a job or something,
he'd be like, "Oh, come here, let me hold your tits up." "No! No, no!"
I mean, we should point out Amy also used to work,
and still does, occasionally, work as an actor, don't you? Yeah.
Your parents must be pleased to see you doing so well, aren't they?
Oh, yeah, they are now. Yeah!
I think they was a bit sad about me moving to London.
My mum... When I said I was moving, she was like, "Oh, Amy, why?"
And I thought, "I wonder what her problem with London is.
"Is it the cost or the crime?"
And she had one reason not to move to London, and she said,
"They all walk so fast."
LAUGHTER She said, "They all walk so fast.
"Where are they going at such a speed?"
"Jobs, Mum. They've got jobs down there!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You can never go home again after that, you know that? I know!
Erm, how's your... how's your body popping?
Your popping, your locking, your robot - how's that?
I feel like I'd give it a go.
I mean, I wouldn't set your hopes too high.
This is not gonna be a definitive class,
but we do have someone who is known for the robot,
we have someone who's done a little bit in the past,
we've got someone who can inhabit almost any character...
alongside me and Alan. LAUGHTER
So, shall we see a bit of popping and locking?
ABBEY: Yeah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK.
Babatunde, stand up. BABATUNDE: Oh, Lord!
OK, you gotta wave. You gotta wave.
The wave? Can I go over this side?
Cos we'll do it... we'll do it going down there.
It's easier going from your right to your left.
So... I'll teach you the basics. So, when you're doing a wave, so...
All right, so hands out like this. All right?
I'm gonna be over there! LAUGHTER
I'll show you guys, yeah? Hands out like this.
First move.
Hand up? Yeah. Second. Wow.
Bang. Bang.
Then shoulder. Forward. My shoulder's... Hold it.
Yeah, and then straighten that, straighten that.
And then this shoulder goes,
then the elbow, then the wrist, then the hand.
Hm! See?
It's a lot... That's it!
But when you do it fast, when you do it fast,
it literally looks...
ABBEY: Oh, my God! PETER: Ohhhh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is there something we could finish with a flourish after that?
After, I think... Well, I can send it back.
What about that? LAUGHTER
I think once you send it... ALAN: Send it back?!
Once we send it, I think we can end, honestly,
with Crouch doing his famous...
Yeah, OK, good plan. Know what I mean?
So, do we hold hands for this? No, we don't hold hands!
Let go of my hand!
You've gotta... No, no!
Because I pass it on to you. It's like electricity.
I pass it on to you, and then you take it, and then...
I take it... Yeah. You see?
LAUGHTER OK!
All right, let's go!
Why are you holding my hand?! You don't hold hands!
Where's the music, where's the music?
They bring it in. A bit of Herbie Hancock.
All right, cool. UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
ALAN: Ooh! AUDIENCE WHOOP
Ready? Yeah?
Ready? Yeah? Ah...
Oh...
CHEERING
ABBEY: Whoo!
Great job. Thank you. Wow! Amazing.
Amazing work! You were amazing!
Well, you see, Alan,
we're never too old to learn something new.
Ohh!
In my head, we all are great, but I know, looking back,
two of us didn't look so great.
OK, will you join me in saying thank you to all my guests tonight,
ladies and gentlemen? Been so much fun.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for being here.
We'll be back next week with Maya Jama, Prue Leith,
James Acaster and Niall Horan,
who'll be here chatting and giving us
the first UK performance of his new single.
But now, from his current album, with Shine A Light,
it's Paolo Nutini.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# You say you want a lover And you need them now
# Someone or other From the lost and found
# You're dancing with the devil
# With your long, dark hair
# How are you?
# Let's dance, baby
# Oh, let's dance, baby Oh, let's dance, baby
# On your own
# Are you feeling so alone?
# Shine a light
# On your own
# Are you dreaming so alone?
# Shine a light
# You say you want somebody Who can hear you scream
# Heal your heart And, baby, dream, dream, dream
# You're dancing with the devil With your heart like stone
# Together, you're not gone
# You're not gone No, you're not gone, you're not
# On your own
# Are you feeling so alone?
# Shine a light
# On your own
# Are you dreaming so alone?
# Shine a light
# Shine
# Tonight, as I lay in your arms
# I don't know what to do Or say any more
# As I lay in your arms
# I don't know what to do Or say any more
# On your own
# Are you dreaming so alone?
# Shine a light
# On your own
# Are you dreaming so alone?
# Shine a light
# You're not on your own
# Shine a light. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE