CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you very much.
Thank you at home for joining us as well.
Good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
We have got a fabulous Saturday night's entertainment
lined up for you. Let's have a look,
first of all, as always, at who's in my green room.
First up, chatting and performing his new single
for the first time on British television,
it's Niall Horan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alongside him is the host of Love Island.
I'm gonna pull her for a chat, find out where her head's at.
Get your grafting boots on, it's Maya Jama.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, she's come straight here from Hollywood -
Paul Hollywood.
Queen of the Bake Off tent, Dame Prue Leith.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Prue. Lovely to see you again.
Plus, and I'm very excited he's on the show,
we have a BAFTA award-winning actor, writer and comedian.
The very, very funny Mr Tom Davis, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's true. Yes, it's true.
It's all true, Tom. Enjoy it. Embrace it.
I'm buzzing.
We've also got one of my favourite comedians working today.
He's very funny. He's always great on the show.
I'm thrilled he's back. The hilarious James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, but just before I get my guests out,
here's something quite unusual for this country.
Everyone's been talking about the weather this week.
It's freezing, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Recently, it's been about as icy
as a Zoom chat between Charles and Harry. That's how cold it is.
However, some people have to venture out for work, of course,
no matter what the weather, like this legendary delivery driver.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
JONATHAN CHUCKLES
They should give him a raise, shouldn't they?
Or at least some shoes with better grip.
Shall we get on with the show? CHEERING
Why don't we? Let's get my first guests.
It's Niall Horan and Maya Jama.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's a good-looking couple, right there.
Hello, mate.
I don't know where we're supposed to go.
Well, thank you for coming on the show.
Hello. Lovely to see you both again.
So, Niall, this is a big year for you.
I hope so. Big year for you.
You've got the album coming out, of course,
but this is the year Niall turns... 30.
CHEERING
The big 3-0. It's the big one.
It's a milestone, isn't it?
Yeah, I think so. I'm looking forward to it.
You got plans? You got a big thing planned for it?
Yeah, I'm not one for...
This may surprise you, I'm not one for attention.
LAUGHTER So I'm gonna share it,
do a little double birthday with my best mate
since we were, like, three years of age.
We're gonna have a joint birthday. No idea what we're doing yet.
Hold on, were you that tall when you were three?
LAUGHTER I was that tall when I was 14.
LAUGHTER
Maya, you're enjoying huge success at the moment on Love Island.
Isn't Maya great on Love Island?
CHEERING Thanks.
And I'm sure your life's changed in the same way,
and I'm relatively well-known,
but neither of us know what it's like to be that level of famous.
Yeah, not Niall level. Yeah. Yeah.
So it must be almost impossible to go somewhere
without someone wanting to take a selfie,
without someone recognising you.
You know where I was at the weekend?
I was in The Kop at Anfield watching Liverpool beat Man United...
CHEERING ..7-0.
And not one of them looked at me. It was brilliant.
The best day ever. LAUGHTER
And Man United got beat, so it was even better.
Let's talk about Love Island a bit. CHEERING
The final, Monday, 9pm. The big final of Love Island,
we'll see who's crowned this year's winner.
Do you watch Love Island?
Didn't see this season. Have you watched previous ones?
I have, but I'll be watching it the next season.
Do you like the love side of it, or do you like the drama?
Drama. The drama.
Yeah, the drama's the best bit. You need the drama.
That's what people like the most? Yeah.
And it must be weird for you, cos you're in there,
and do you get to know the people a little bit? Not really.
We don't have full conversation until they're out.
I just come in, throw someone out, and leave, most of the time.
LAUGHTER And when you took on the job,
were you nervous about taking it on, because it's such a successful show?
Obviously, it's a very big show.
Everybody watches it, everyone's got an opinion,
and quite a lot of people online were like, "We want Maya to host."
So it felt a bit like I just don't want to let anyone down.
I don't want it to be like,
"You guys wanted me to do it, and now I'm shit."
So I felt that pressure,
and to get the slow-motion walk right, and to, you know...
It's the big drama when you first enter, of course, isn't it? Yeah!
It's the
It's the slow
It's the
slow-motion walk. It's shot from the front and the back. Yeah.
It's actually a bit weird having a cameraman go,
"I'm just gonna film your bum for a little bit." OK.
Obviously, you don't walk in slow motion.
No, you do not. You do a normal strut.
I was really nervous about it.
Me and my friends the night before I went had a big girls' night,
and they were like, "OK, show us how you're gonna walk."
So we had a couple of wines, and I was doing it.
And as soon as I got there and the camera crew were there,
I was like, "I can't do it!"
You do it about five times and they choose the best bits.
Do you listen to a tune in your head when you walk?
N... Maybe, you know. I don't know.
It would be different each time if I did, but it's just more like...
SHE HUMS
Oh, like the theme from Jaws? Yeah!
LAUGHTER
"I'm gonna throw someone out of the house!"
Yeah. Sassy. Brilliant, yeah.
And do you know... Cos last year, they did...
This one's in South Africa, and they did one in Europe as well.
Yeah. They always do it in Spain,
but the winter one came back this year, so it's South Africa.
Are you doing one in Spain?
Yeah, I'm gonna be doing the summer one. That starts in...
I don't know if I'm allowed to even say that. It starts...
Is that an exclusive? No, I don't know!
It starts in summer. Summer.
LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.
Maya, so we're talking about this new stage in your career.
Where's the weirdest place you've been recognised? Oh...
Where someone's had a fan engagement with you?
I had laser. The girlies will know.
You know, laser in the bikini line and your armpits and stuff.
And I've gone in there, and you have to have your fanny out.
LAUGHTER Yep. And, erm...
The girl's doing it,
we're having a little chat about something,
and then halfway through, like, literally, just in there,
she's like, "Oh, can I get a little selfie after?" Huh?!
LAUGHTER
"Yeah, but now you've just seen all over me,
"I feel shy!"
Cos then there's proof. "I touched her fanny."
And then there's a picture of us. LAUGHTER
Do you know what I mean? Together, confirmed.
So, yeah. That was a bit strange.
But that's the weird thing, cos selfies.
Where is the weirdest place you've been asked for a selfie? Oh, God.
Have you ever been asked in a toilet?
Has anyone ever asked you in the toilet?
That's not even weird to me now. LAUGHTER
That's how often it happens.
Football games... What, mid-piss?
Yeah! Really? Just standing there...
Willy's out? Willy's out. Crazy.
"Oi, Niall, mate. Can I get a photo with you?"
LAUGHTER
"Fuck off!" LAUGHTER
That was how we met, of course, wasn't it?
That was about 4 o'clock this afternoon.
But it must be hard for you to have been famous for so long.
From so young in that way, and are there ever times when you...
You kind of feel the need to get away from it?
You wanna kind of get away from Niall Horan, the public person,
and just be you? I try and do that as much as I can.
Like, I play a lot of golf. Get away from that. Erm...
Where else can I go? I tried...
Being back in Ireland's good. Yeah.
CHEERING Come on!
LAUGHTER
I guess at home, when you go back and see family.
Yeah, when I'm in behind the doors of the house, I can be...
Yeah. I'm just the son again, you know?
Which is nice, I would have thought.
Yeah, wholesome. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Where can you go if you wanna get away from being Maya Jama,
the glamorous star of television and...
People don't really care that much.
People are more like, "All right?" And I'm like, "you OK?"
My friend will be like, "Do you know them?" "No."
People are a bit more casual with me, I think.
They just, yeah...
"Do you wanna go for a pint?" "Yeah." Yeah.
You don't drink pints, do you? I drink loads of pints.
Drink pints? Yeah. Pints of what?
Cider. I'm from Bristol.
CHEERING Yeah. Is there any Bristolians? No?
Yes! Oh, there is! I love that.
BRISTOLIAN: All right, my love? LAUGHTER
Actually, you're good with accents, aren't you?
You're pretty good. That's a good Bristol.
IRISH: Yeah, I can do some Irish. I'm not too bad, actually.
It's all right.
Yeah, I love an Irish accent, so I pretended once
when I went to stay somewhere I was Irish, and they believed me.
That's good. It's not bad, actually.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Amazing. That is amazing.
This... It's there. I think the husky voice helps with Irish.
Yeah, but some people...
POOR SCOTTISH: I cannot be fuckin' bothered. Scottish, as well.
That wasn't Scottish. Scot-tash.
Scot-tash? Are you crazy? Scot-tash!
An Angus burger. You carry on like that,
Lewis Capaldi's gonna phone me and bollock me.
LAUGHTER
OK, so, here's the exciting news.
Niall has his third solo album coming out.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Coming out 9th June.
It's The Show.
We are not allowed to play you the tracks,
but I'm gonna sing every one of them for you.
LAUGHTER It's gonna be a long show, that.
I guess you have to guard that kind of thing very closely.
You've only released Heaven so far from it. Yeah.
And that's what Niall's performing at the end for us.
But, I have heard some of it, and it's got a more mature sound.
It's got a kind of different sound to what came before, I think.
Yeah. I suppose it kind of comes with age.
The last time I...
wrote an album was probably when I was 24 or five.
So the fact that the pandemic happened
and then I had time afterwards to make the record,
I've gradually, I've obviously got older,
so yeah, I guess with that,
the sound has matured as well with it.
And who do you run your stuff by?
If you've written a track or you've got an idea,
who can you run it by? Because it must be hard to know
whether something is as good as you want it to be,
as good as you think it is without getting a second opinion.
Who do you trust to get that advice from?
A few of, like... Some of the artists that I know
that I would, like, send stuff to sometimes,
not all the time, but, like you say, like Lewis or...
Like, Ed Sheeran, or if, you know, if he's about or whatever.
And I'll... LAUGHTER
And I'll see if I can get, like, some sort of an opinion
cos they're so used to, like, releasing stuff all the time and...
And how honest are they with you? Well, I remember, like...
Ed... I didn't send Ed anything from this album,
but I remember, like, during lockdown,
I was, like, really struggling
to, like, get any sort of creative juices flowing,
and Ed just said to me,
"Listen, you're gonna have to swim through some of the shitty water
"to get to the clear stuff at some point."
LAUGHTER
So keep writing, keep making stuff
until the creative juices flow properly? Yeah.
I think you're a very talented songwriter.
You are a very clever songwriter. Thanks very much. Appreciate it.
What's Lewis like? What's Lewis Capaldi's kind of...?
I imagine he's fairly straightforward?
He's just... AS LEWIS: Yeah, man, I've got a...
I've got a fucking sneaky feeling about this one.
NORMAL VOICE: That's what he said the night before Heaven came out.
He text me, saying, "How are you feeling?"
Look at the photo. That is hilarious.
He just started sniffing my neck. LAUGHTER
Just that's what he was doing there. You can see it in his eyes.
LAUGHTER You're meant to be touring.
Before the pandemic, you were gonna do a tour with Lewis, weren't you?
I'm glad we didn't. Yeah. LAUGHTER
Why? I would have needed a new liver.
I was gonna say, I've partied with Lewis before,
I feel like he is on my level of going for it.
Oh, he's different. He's a different league.
Have you recorded with Lewis?
We've written a couple of things before.
Erm, there's obviously a reason
why it hasn't seen the light of day as we spoke.
You've toured Ireland with him, didn't you?
You went round, not on tour,
but you did a kind of film tour of Ireland, didn't you?
Yeah, we did a... It was called The Homecoming.
It was, like, three days in a car with Lewis,
stopping off at different parts of Ireland, started in Belfast...
CHEERING
There's the girls from Belfast! LAUGHTER
That was the guess-where-we're-from screen.
LAUGHTER Down to Dublin,
and then the whole idea of getting back to my hometown of Mullingar,
and we kind of just drove around, having the best laugh of all time.
And now are you gonna...? We've got a clip from that,
but are you gonna repeat the favour?
You gonna do Scotland with him and go round his hometown?
That would be good. We'd go up to Bathgate.
Bathgate. That could be our next trip.
Yeah. You'll have to come to that one.
All right, let's have a look.
This is a clip of when Lewis joined Niall, and they went around Ireland.
We pulled up at the B&B for the night.
And here is the bedroom.
Number 12. DOOR SQUEAKS
Ooh. A bit creepy.
There's the bed. It's a double.
There's...
NIALL LAUGHS
Where did you get that thing?!
Think it looks good?
Oh, my God. I've never looked better (!)
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
Oh, dear!
So, we're gonna take a break now.
But don't go away, because in a few moments,
we'll be joined by Dame Prue Leith. See you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
Welcome back to the show, everybody. Let's get my next guest out.
In a week of fantastic guests, she is the icing on the cake.
I am delighted she's back on the show.
Who doesn't love Dame Prue Leith?
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
Thank you so much for coming back on. Here we are.
You've met Maya, and you've met Niall, I think.
Prue, lovely to have you back on. Thank you for joining us again.
Thank you. I think congratulations are in order
because last time, you were Prue Leith,
now you are Dame Prue Leith.
You've had the damehood put upon you.
Am I right in thinking that when you become a dame,
you get given a coat of arms?
Yeah, you can have a coat of arms, yes.
If you are a knight or a dame, or all sorts of things.
And it's not just... They don't take one off the shelf.
It's specially for you. Yes. And you have...
I went with my husband to the heralds...
who control all of this.
And they said, "What do you want for your motto?"
And I said, "I want JFDI,"
by which I meant, "Just eff-ing do it!"
LAUGHTER And they said, "Mm!
"I don't think the "F" will go down well in higher places.
"You can't have that."
So, I had, "Nothing in moderation."
Nothing in moderation, which are great words to live by,
and it's the name of your current tour, of course. It is.
But you know, what is all wrong about this
is that if my husband had been made a knight,
I would be Lady Playfair. Yeah.
I'm made a Dame, and he just stays what he is.
LAUGHTER And he calls himself a damsel.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Neither of you has done Bake Off before,
but we have Tom coming out in a moment, and James,
and they've both done Stand Up To Cancer, of course.
If you were asked to do Bake Off, can you cook, Maya?
Me? I'm really not a cooker.
It doesn't matter on Bake Off. It doesn't?!
You don't have to be able to cook?
On proper Bake Off, you do. OK.
With Celebrity Bake Off, you can be...
You can be rubbish. LAUGHTER
Have you ever cooked for or prepared a meal for someone? Yeah.
One of my earlier boyfriends, I...
I don't know why, I was trying to impress him,
so I lied and said I could cook.
And so I ordered from Deliveroo and Uber Eats every ingredient,
but from a different restaurant, so potatoes from somewhere...
Already cooked? Already cooked.
Like, salad from somewhere else, and then I just fried garlic
and said, "You need to go out the house
"because it's gonna be a big surprise,"
and then put it all on a plate, and I never, ever told him
that it was fake. LAUGHTER
Niall, what's your go-to meal?
If you have to cook for someone else,
if you have a romantic evening at home, what do you cook?
What am I making? Erm...
I do love, like, one-pot stuff,
and then I also like making, like, pasta,
canned tomatoes with, like, fried bacon, a bit of garlic,
a bit of chilli, and a whole block of Parmesan.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
OK, you know I mentioned Prue has a one-woman show at the moment -
Nothing In Moderation - which is also on her...
It's her heraldic... What do they call it? Motto?
It's just the... Yeah, motto. Motto.
Tell us about the tour, though. What does the tour involve?
If people see you live, what do you talking about?
Well, I mostly tell funny stories about catering disasters,
feeding the Royal family, a few personal stuff, and so on,
and then in the second half, the audience ask me questions.
Anyway, so, what are we doing is
I'm touring all over England and the UK,
and I end up at the London Palladium... Wow.
..and I'll tell you what? That is terr...
I mean, I'm absolutely... scared.
LAUGHTER What kind of...?
What do people most want to know about the show?
When they ask you the questions in that part of the show,
what, or who, do they ask you about?
They always ask me about Paul Hollywood, inevitably.
They ask me,
"Are Paul Hollywood's eyes really that blue?"
LAUGHTER Answer - yes.
"Is his tan fake?" Because he's always so tanned. Yeah.
He's like a dark mahogany, isn't he? Yeah, he's dark mahogany.
And if he goes and lies in the sun for ten minutes between takes,
he's a darker mahogany. So he just tans?
He just tans like that.
It upsets the make-up girls a lot. LAUGHTER
And it upsets me, too,
because I don't want to look like his ghost,
so I'm always... LAUGHTER
And the other day, somebody on my show asked me,
"What does Paul Hollywood smell like?"
LAUGHTER So I said, "Crumpet!"
LAUGHTER
Could you give me a better answer than...?
Crumpet means "fanny" sometimes as well.
LAUGHTER
I don't think he's like one of them!
I knew crumpet meant...
I knew crumpet meant girth or sex, but...
Like, "Oh, let's have a look at your crumpet.
LAUGHTER
I'll have to change that answer. Next time somebody says...
Next time they ask you what he smells of, say, "Despair!"
LAUGHTER
Maybe. Maybe.
Well, I had Lewis Capaldi on a while ago,
and he told me that Niall was one of the most fragrant men...
Fragrant? ..he's ever been near.
Would you have a sniff of Niall for me?
Hold on - good fragrance or bad fragrance?
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
I tell you what - that smells quite good!
LAUGHTER
What was...? Did you smell, or was that just a lunge?
LAUGHTER It was a loud sniff in my ear.
I bet he's got a candy-floss quality to him.
I did actually manage to resist kissing him,
but it was... close.
I mean, I nearly, nearly did because... Gutted!
..he does smell good. LAUGHTER
He is very kissable. He's kissable.
Do you kiss him a lot?
LAUGHTER
It's consensual.
LAUGHTER
It's not.
JONATHAN GUFFAWS
Well, OK, but I let you anyway. Yeah.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Now, seeing as we have Prue, who has lived a very full and very rich life
and, as you heard, she has amazing stories and experiences,
we might play a game of Never Have I Ever.
LAUGHTER
We might get Niall and Maya to join in as well. Oh, Jesus! Yeah.
Cos we did this once before, didn't we, Niall? Yep, yep.
OK, so... I'm still hearing about it now!
JONATHAN LAUGHS OK, pass those along.
And so, do you know how this works, Prue?
You have to answer truthfully. Yep. I know you will.
I'm just gonna hold it here.
LAUGHTER
Right, here we go. Part one question. You ready? Oh, no.
Never Have I Ever... attended an orgy.
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
APPLAUSE Mine was...
Mine was for work, though, it was for work, it was for work.
CHEERING
What's the matter with you two guys?
I'll be honest with you, no-one saw it going that way, did they?
LAUGHTER
We did it together, actually, that's the funny story.
Cos an orgy, technically, is more than four people.
Yeah. No, mine was actually for a show.
I went to Killing Kittens for a documentary
and that was, it was, everyone was shagging everyone. OK, and Prue?
LAUGHTER
I went to a party, and I didn't know it was going to be an orgy,
but it was. It was everybody shagging everyone. Yeah.
And I was so embarrassed,
because people kept coming and tugging my clothes and saying,
"Don't you realise this is meant to be an orgy? Get your kit off."
So, finally, I took my kit off
because it would stop people... Yeah.
And I spent the whole evening walking around,
pretending I wanted a drink, pretending I was going to the loo,
pretending, you know, I'm waiting for somebody.
You know that thing when you're at a party and you don't know anybody
and you're trying to pretend you're cool about it? Yeah.
And you're naked. I was gonna say!
LAUGHTER Have you ever been invited to one?
An orgy? No.
LAUGHTER Can we have another question, please?
We can have another question, but I'm trying to arrange our weekend!
LAUGHTER
He's turning 30 this year, we've got to get him experienced!
I'm sweating here at the thought!
You'll be all right when you get your clothes off for the party!
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
Can I just confirm that I didn't take part,
cos that would be a crazy headline.
Maya did not take part in the orgy. Didn't touch anyone.
Officially, she did not take part. Yeah.
Unofficially, probably had a wild afternoon...
Yeah, it was an edited documentary.
LAUGHTER
Never Have I Ever... been on a blind date.
I've never been on one. Yeah. I've never been on a blind date.
Did it go well? Um, yeah, yeah, it did.
Did it? Yeah. Nice person? Lovely person.
See him again? Yep.
But is blind where you've never seen any... I saw a photo beforehand,
so it's not really BLIND blind. No, if it's blind,
you don't know at all who's going to be there.
Yeah, like, a friend set us up. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.
I've been set up, but I haven't been on a blind date.
So you're the same as me. Who were you set up with?
Was it a good night? My current girlfriend. Oh, wow. Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Awww! Kinda... to be honest.
What do you mean? It happened, and then...
Listen, she won't really like this
when she sees that you said, "kind of" girlfriend.
No, no, she's definitely my girlfriend!
JONATHAN LAUGHS
She's "kind of" my girlfriend! Yeah! No, she's, she's behind there!
Is she there? I hope she is, after this!
This is the new Blind Date, come on out!
She'll not, she's left! She's gone now, yeah!
Right, let's do this one.
Never Have I Ever... named one of my body parts.
MAYA: Oh.
Do you mean like given it a name?
Yeah, like a nickname, for a little part of your body.
Like... like Molly, or... Jim? GALES OF LAUGHTER
Yes. Like crumpet. Like crumpet.
It can be any name... Any name you want,
it can be any part of the body, any name.
Maya, you have a nickname for what part of your body?
Yeah, I've got a bent toe called Pete.
He hides behind the rest of them. Bent Pete.
I tell you what, I'm glad I don't have my toes out tonight.
Are yours bent too? Oh, God, I look like I got two toes.
What? Are they joined?
They're not great, now, to be honest with you. They're ugly.
What part of your body have you named and what's it called?
Niall. Can't say it. You can't say either?
Er... GIGGLES
Go one. Give one. No. Big boy.
What's the name of the part? "Big boy", she said!
You can't tell us the name of the part?
It's pri... my life. It's private.
This is crumpet! It's private. OK, well, I won't...
It's my life, Jonathan.
OK, well, in that case, in that case,
I'm not gonna tell you what part of my body I called Zayne.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You have to use your imagination, how do you like that?
Yeah, yeah, true life.
All right, OK, we're going to take a break.
Ladies and gentlemen, Niall is gonna head off now
to get ready for his performance at the end of the show. I am.
He's gonna be doing Heaven, first time ever on British TV...
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
..so please join me in saying thank you to Niall Horan,
the other guys are gonna stay out here
and we'll have Tom and James joining us as well. We'll see you in a bit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out here.
You will have seen him, I'm sure, in any number of things
including Paddington 2, King Gary
and the BAFTA-winning Murder In Successville -
the very funny Mr Tom Davis, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING
POP MUSIC PLAYS
I get a hug? How are you? I'm very good.
THEY ALL GREET EACH OTHER
Come and sit down, Tom. You good? You're a big unit, aren't you?
How big are you, Tom? Er, 6' 7". Wow, that's a lot.
I'm about 6' 8", I got a little lifted heel on. Wow.
Cos I knew Prue was on.
You know you get smaller as you get older, though.
I used to be 6' 1.5", I'm only about 6 foot now.
Your spine goes: MAKES CRUNCHING NOISE
I can't wait, I hate being this tall. Do you really?
I guess you do stick out, don't you? Yeah, there's no hiding anywhere.
I mean, they're talking about selfies,
I just stick out like a sore thumb wherever I go. Yeah.
With the bald head, you look like a big thumb.
LAUGHTER
I love the Paddington films. Did you see Paddington 2?
Oh, it was so good. And you were so much fun in it.
I know, I think they're talking about doing a third Paddington
at the moment. Do you know if you will be in it?
Have you been invited to take part? I've, I don't know.
I've sort of, I've not heard much from Paddington
since we wrapped the last film.
We hung out a lot during the making of that film.
Used to go to down the Wetherspoons at lunch...
LAUGHTER
..few drinks after work, and I texted him a couple of times
when we finished filming and got nothing back. No.
I slipped into his DMs and said,
"Have you changed your phone number?" Nothing back.
So, no, Jon, I don't think I'm gonna be in it.
LAUGHTER
But, Prue, you worked with Tom a bit, sort of, didn't you?
Cos Tom did, as I said earlier, Stand Up To Cancer, Bake Off.
How was Tom's cooking? Can you remember what he served up for you?
Do you know, I can't tell you, cos it hasn't aired yet.
It hasn't aired yet! No.
Look at the height difference, that is crazy!
I was gonna say, that's not Prue! LAUGHTER
Matt is so tiny and you are so huge.
It looks like you're telling off a son that you're disappointed in.
LAUGHTER
Before you started showbiz, before you did the comedy and the acting,
you were working, you did labouring work,
you did building work, is that right?
Well, I was a labourer. Wherever I could go and carry something,
I was scaffolding labourer for a lot of the time,
but I was scared of heights. Yeah. So I was great on bungalows!
I did a little bit of removal work and decorating,
but I used to love those days,
I used to really enjoy the camaraderie
of working with just a bunch of other guys, in a job like that.
It was some of the most fun I've had in my life.
I think the people, it's a matter, I did it from a really young age,
so it's the people you meet,
the characters and sort of the banter that you'd have round.
I used to work with a guy...
I used to love the bullshitter on a building site
and you'd come in on a Monday and he'd always have a story like,
"Yeah, I was out at the weekend. Won about fucking five grand
"on the Grand National,
"ended up pulling these two twins, sisters,
"going back to their house, having a bit of a fumble about,
"their husbands'd come 'ome...
"I've pulled my arm back about half a mile,
"knocked the two of them out then I ate their Chinese takeaway."
LAUGHTER
And then, erm, one weekend I see him in Asda's with his nan.
JONATHAN GUFFAWS
And he was walking round with his shoulders slumped
and I sort of felt really sad for him
and then on the Monday, I said, "Good weekend?"
And he went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"ended up having a bit of a kickabout with this fellow,
"Stevie Gerrard." I didn't have the heart to say,
"I see you in Asda's this weekend.
Well, it's coloured your writing somewhat as well
cos now, specially in The Curse,
what you're writing about is a kind of funny take
based on, not a kind of necessarily accurate...
I've got to get the word right, it's an amalgaNATION...
amalganation, is that right?
Tell you what, you just step in. It's a... Amalgamation.
Of many different stories from that time period.
It's a real, yeah,
I think it's my favourite thing we've written and we've made.
It's called The Curse, it's on Channel 4 and All 4,
you can see it all, and you play a kind of a...
a rather useless criminal, don't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I sort of play, I guess...
growing up around sort of these, sort of, like, characters
and so when we started writing this,
it was always trying to think who do you base this on,
you want to base it on a little bit of reality.
And I always remember an old boy that used to drink
in the boozer I went in, and he was like the most useless criminal ever.
And he had that voice that I do as Mick, and he'd sort of...
I remember one time, he turned round, and he goes...
DEEP VOICE: "I remember one of the worst things what happened to me.
"I robbed the post office, and I was driving the getaway van,
"I go under this bridge, and the van gets stuck under the bridge.
"And I just sit there.
"I hear the police sirens coming, and I just sit there, thinking,
'You're done. You're gonna do a stretch for this.' "
And I said, "Why didn't you just get out the van?"
And he went, "Oh, yeah." LAUGHTER
"I could've done with you there at the time."
LAUGHTER And we've got a clip from that,
and so I'm gonna give a bit of a warning in advance here.
This does involve you in Speedos. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
OK. Whose choice was that?
Was this an ambition of yours for many years, to be filmed in Speedos?
I sort of thought... Speedos were big in the '80s, right?
They certainly were. And actually, I think, in the clip...
LAUGHTER Hold it, Prue's woken up.
LAUGHTER
Like we've got Niall back.
So, I was kind of into the... I was like, "Yeah, I'll wear them.
"That'll be fine." Yeah.
It's not until you've got Speedos on
and you look round and there's other people in Speedos,
you realise you're not necessarily equipped for a pair of Speedos.
It was, yeah... You genuinely...
If when you watch this clip we're about to show,
I think it's the one, you can see I've actually got a bit of swag.
I'm feeling quite confident about the Speedos
until I see other lads in Speedos, and then I actually sort of,
like, start going, "Oh, no." Like that.
LAUGHTER I start... My confidence.
You can watch my confidence just slowly diminish. We're gonna watch.
You can watch his confidence, and other things, shrivel.
OK. Right. Let's have a look. This is Tom in The Curse Series 2.
It's on Channel 4 and All 4, and it'll be April
you think it's gonna be coming out. End of April.
Plenty of time to catch up on the first series.
Very funny. Look at this.
LAUGHTER
Oi, oi! Look who's back.
Yeah, mate. Had a piss, mate...
'Mick's arrival, let's say, rocked the boat a bit.
'Slightly spoilt the equilibrium we'd created out in Spain.'
Easy! I was talking, you mug! HE LAUGHS
'What am I talking like? It was a total fucking shit show.'
Look at the corey on this lad. Have a seat, mate.
Take the weight off there. Look at that.
Talk about the elephant in your pants.
Making me hungry, looking at that thing.
'The waterpark plans were taking shape,
'but it felt like they could ruin it all,
'bringing this unwanted attention from the wrong eyes.'
Thing about being an international criminal of celebrity nature
is everyone wants a little piece of you.
I start getting letters from all round the world.
A lot of big stars are writing to me.
Ronnie Kray, Sammy Fox, her with the big lils out the paper.
Who has the best handwriting in the world? Nigel Mansell.
The best penmanship I've ever seen within my life.
All in my little bumper.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's The Curse on Channel 4.
You know, Maya's here, of course.
Love Island's what we're talking about with Maya primarily.
Do you watch Love Island? Are you a Love Island fan?
I've got a bit of a funny one with Love Island.
I was obsessed with Love Island for a long time, and then,
last year, I got a little sort of look at myself.
I would be texting mates, I would be sitting with my wife watching it,
and essentially watching a bunch of 20-year-olds
copping off with each other. LAUGHTER
And I just started looking at myself, thinking,
"What the f'in hell are you...? How creepy are you now?"
Like, genuinely, in any other scenario,
I can't go out to a bar or a club or a pub with a couple of mates
and go, "Do you think they're gonna get it on tonight?
"Do you think they'll get it on?" LAUGHTER
I'll tell you when I'll start watching,
they're doing one with normal, older people.
That's when you'll get involved. I wanna see a geezer rock up
with a sort of polo shirt with a bit of back hair coming out.
Although, you know what I'd love to see... Yeah, bigger. Back hair?
Someone... A sexy shot of a guy pulling off his T-shirt
and just have a big load of back hair. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
With the woman he fancies the most shaved in it.
That'd be a real decoration laugh. Romance. Romance.
I genuinely... That's when I'm gonna really get
back into it, when it's just real people.
For your generation, for my generation. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Tom is also on tour cos he's an actor,
and he's a stand-up comedian as well.
The tour's called Underdog, starts again in September, doesn't it?
What do you talk about on it?
I do a lot of talking about being a new dad, which is...
At 43. Congratulations. We were talking backstage.
Yeah, how old's your baby? 15 months.
A lovely, sweet little 15-month-old baby. Yeah.
COOS, APPLAUSE Yeah, she's a little cracker, yeah.
Yeah. Thank you. Crazy, though.
You have a thing of... I was like...
I wasn't really thinking about going back to stand-up,
and about six months in, I thought,
"I've got no social life at all here.
"Maybe I should do a tour." LAUGHTER
So, a lot of the tour tends to be
me just going out having a few drinks with people.
And also to get a night's sleep in a hotel is nice.
Yeah. So, don't worry about your wife. You're having a great time.
Yeah, actually, I'm really now genuinely worried
of her sitting there, watching this, going, "You prick."
LAUGHTER
And you talk about having... You talk about life with a baby now?
The way your life has changed? Yeah, I talk about, yeah,
life with her, and talk about life from sort of...
I talk about the building site, I talk about, you know.
I remember when I first got sort of started,
turning around to geezers on sites,
saying, "I want to do stand-up." "I'm gonna give it a try."
They'd go, "Why the fuckin' hell would you try that?
"It's just something else you're gonna be shit at." Yeah.
And then, to be here now, you think...
And I was awful. I used to have awful gigs.
So, what were the early gigs like? Oh, God. Awful. Terrible gigs.
I remember doing one when I got a phone call saying,
"Look, do you want a gig tonight at Warwick University?"
And I was like, "Wow, yeah. Just my crowd."
Erm... LAUGHTER
And I turn up. It was last-minute, I turn up that night,
and I'm walking through the halls sort of
and going to the student union, and there's pictures,
there's posters everywhere of Sara Pascoe,
who's a good pal of mine, Sara.
And it's saying, "Sara Pascoe, here tonight,"
with the date of that day.
So I'm like, "This is a bit weird. Sara Pascoe's playing here as well?"
So I turned round to the geezer and said,
"Is Sara Pascoe performing here tonight?"
And he went, "Oh, yeah, she was. She was, but she's pulled out,
"so we've got you instead."
MAYA GASPS Oh, no.
And I said, "Right. Have you told the crowd?
"Have you told the audience that Sara's not here?"
And he went, "No, we haven't. We haven't told them."
LAUGHTER
And I said, "Well, there might be quite a few disappointed people
"when I walk..."
Cos me and Sara are very different acts.
I don't know if you've ever seen Sara's stuff.
And I was like, "Don't you think they might clock
"that I'm not Sara Pascoe?"
And he went, "Well, we've got a smoke machine."
LAUGHTER
I said... Add some drama for you. Bit of spice.
Yeah. At some point, the smoke's gonna clear.
And to be fair, I think as soon as I say,
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen," they might go...
Sara? "I don't think that's Sara."
LAUGHTER
It's great to have you here.
As I said, The Curse is on soon on Channel 4 and All 4,
but also make sure you catch him on tour.
He's a very, very funny man. We're gonna take a break.
Mr Tom Davis, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Don't go away, though.
Don't go anywhere because coming up next,
James Acaster will be here and Niall Horan performing live
at the end of the show. See you in a couple of minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
He is as hilarious as he is unusual. It is the brilliant James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
Hello.
Hello. How are you? Hello, mate.
Hello, Tom. Hello, James. Come and sit down, James.
Nice to see you. Thank you for coming back on.
I love having you on the show. Thank you, Jonathan.
Last time you came on, you came on without really telling us
why you came dressed as this sort of thing.
A crocodile? Alligator? Duck? I'm not quite sure what it is.
It's a Party Gator. OK. LAUGHTER
You were dressed as the Party Gator. Yes. Never really understood why.
LAUGHTER Yes.
So, who is the Party Gator?
And is this a new act? Does he speak?
No, he doesn't speak because I can't do the voice. Right.
But, erm, this is the baby Gator, that is the original Party Gator
that I was wearing there up on the screen.
Let's put that photo. That's what he came dressed as.
Yeah. I felt bad at the time
because it was for a project I was working on,
but I couldn't speak about it yet, so I thought,
"I'm just gonna go out of context."
If I'm fully honest with you, Jonathan, I suspected...
I thought that if I said I wanted to do that,
you and your team who make this show would say no.
Well... I was as shocked as anyone when you went, "Yeah, all right."
I was like, "Oh, I've got to do that now."
LAUGHTER
Because I thought, "There's a reason why he's doing this..." Yes.
"..and it'll be some big reveal and hilariously funny,"
but nothing really happened. No.
And now we're waiting for the...
And also, we had Tom Jones on the show, there's a picture.
Tom Jones hadn't expected that. He was...
LAUGHTER
I had to talk to him for half an hour afterwards
to explain to him he wasn't being pranked!
In all honesty, Tom Jones was one of the only...
Everyone else that day kept on asking me what I was doing.
Tom Jones has seen it all. So, I was backstage in that,
everyone else going, like, "What is this?!"
And Tom Jones just appeared and went, "All right?"
LAUGHTER That was it.
So, what does the Party Gator mean to you,
and what will he/it/they mean to us one day?
I'm a serious musician now, Jonathan.
I've left stand-up comedy behind me, and now I primarily make music.
The Party Gator is the muse, and as a result,
I have made myself a mascot outfit and had a glove puppet made
to show everyone how much I've turned my back
on anything remotely humorous.
LAUGHTER And this is you being...
Your grab for serious credibility.
Yeah, yeah. I want the world to start taking me seriously.
LAUGHTER And know that I... Shut up.
LAUGHTER
Er, and so, what...
You weren't doing that to Niall earlier! No.
LAUGHTER
And so, what sort of music are you making?
Does he sing on the album or anything, or...?
No, no. I've got loads of other singers on it.
Right. It's like...
I describe it as, like, the best music.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Compared to all other music? Compared to...
With all due respect, compared to all other music. Wow.
Except for Niall. Right. LAUGHTER
Number two. OK. So, we have a copy...
Is this out yet? This is the album. That's out in May. I drew that.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so, the Gator doesn't sing.
No, Gator doesn't sing, I don't sing. OK. Who sings?
I play the drums, I'm a producer, I've got, like, loads...
There's 40 of us in the group. Yeah. Wow.
I had to organise it all during...
If you want to know how I spent my lockdown, this is the result.
LAUGHTER
But here's the thing. He's not really joking, are you?
I never am. OK. LAUGHTER
No, there is an album, isn't there? Yeah, there's an album.
And you did play drums on it? I did play drums on it.
I did produce it, I worked with 40 musicians over lockdown. Yeah.
I drew that, I wore that, I've got this on my hand.
I really can't emphasise enough how much this is not a joke.
OK. LAUGHTER
We'll play you a little bit of the music,
it's out on the 19th of May.
This is... It's a real thing. Have a listen.
MUSIC: 'Party Gator Resurrection' by James Acaster
APPLAUSE
It has a modern beat to it, I like that sound. Stunning.
It's a real project.
It's a real project and it was boiling hot that day.
Absolutely boiling.
So you're suffering for your art as well.
It was horrible. I was like...
It was like a slip and slide inside that costume.
Are you always in the Gator suit or can another people be the Gator?
Yeah, weirdly, I've always been in the Gator suit.
And then everyone asks me that and I go,
"Oh, yeah, I could've got someone else to do that."
I don't know why I volunteered every time.
What kind of reaction do you get when you go out in the Gator suit?
Bearing in mind, people don't yet know who the Gator is.
It's quite nice actually because, like, you go out
in the Gator suit and it's a full range...
Little kids will see the Gator and they'll wave,
and if you wave back, the kids are all happy
and sometimes they wanna come and shake your hand, have a photo.
And then, you know, builders call you a wanker.
LAUGHTER
Don't look at me, I've not seen you in it.
I will say this, if you walk...
Yeah, that's a good lunch break, that.
Yeah, yeah. An absolute field day.
But you're not singing on it, but can you sing? I can't sing, man.
You used to be in a band years ago, didn't you?
Used to be in bands before I did stand-up
and I really wanted to learn how to sing for one of the bands
and I went to someone to do singing lessons
and, erm, 30 seconds into the singing lesson,
she was playing scales on the piano,
I was trying to sing along and she stopped and said,
"Look, I've never done this before, but I can't teach you."
LAUGHTER That bad?
Yeah. And I said,
SINGS: "Fair enough. I'll see myself out."
You can't sing, can you? No.
LAUGHTER
Prue, have you ever been in a band?
Never, and I can't sing.
And I have to say that, this is... I really do feel 100 years old
because I didn't understand a word of your...
LAUGHTER ..whole thing.
I mean... Of which bit, my interview or the song?
LAUGHTER
All of it.
The way he speaks or just what he was saying?
No, I know about the way he speaks and I love him,
but I don't understand that whole business about the Gator.
Prue, thank you, I'm still struggling a little bit here.
I don't think I can be any clearer.
I like it. It's the real you, right?
That's the you inside of here that's bursting out,
you've always been the Gator.
But now the Gator's taken over James and I think that, in my head,
I've known this guy years, I've always seen the Gator in him.
And I'm like, "Oh, good, thank you."
I'm gonna start bringing Tom along with me to translate for me. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You also have done Stand Up To Cancer with Prue, Bake Off.
How was his cooking? Good.
LAUGHTER
Good. Was it good?
Er...
LAUGHTER
How can I put this politely?
Put it this way, you remember Prue's reaction to me earlier? Yeah.
That was... better than her reaction to my baking.
LAUGHTER
What did Paul make of your stuff? Did he enjoy your food?
That guy is a piece of shit.
LAUGHTER
I've gotta say, I agree with James on it. I agree with James on that.
MAYA: What happened? Was he horrible?
He's up himself. He wants it all to taste nice.
LAUGHTER
But you used to work in a kitchen, didn't you?
Yeah, I used to work in kitchens. So you know how to cook?
No. Cos, I mean... That's not the...
Weirdly, that's not the qualification
for working in the kitchen.
You've just gotta be able to take a lot of gyp from head chefs,
and whatever.
I was good at making mash, I was the mash king. Right.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
Thank you. LAUGHTER
I can make mashed potato like no-one's business.
What's the secret to good mashed potato?
Er, loads of cream, loads of cheese, loads of pepper.
PRUE: Butter. Loads of butter.
Just basically loads of...
As much beige stuff as you can possibly get your hands on.
Put it in there and when you think you've mashed enough,
keep on mashing.
LAUGHTER
I would say that is the perfect description
of how to make mashed potato.
First thing I've ever said that Prue understands.
LAUGHTER
That's right. Unfortunately...
She endorses that 100%.
I read online, you know, cos Matt Lucas is leaving Bake Off,
and I read online that your name was being considered,
and possibly... Would you do Bake Off?
Have they spoken to you about joining as a host?
No-one's spoken to me about it and rightly so.
I think they've kind of, like, predicted that...
Prue, kind of, quite kindly underplayed it earlier.
But it was traumatic what happened to me in that tent
and I think if I was one of the hosts,
I would be constantly having flashbacks and full meltdowns,
and I don't think that's very relaxing for the contestants.
So, was it genuinely traumatic, what, for you or for them?
For me. I don't think it was...
Prue can tell me if everyone else is still reeling from it in the tent,
but like... I can't remember most of the stuff that happened.
I talked to Rylan about it recently,
who was there on the same day as the baker, and he told me, he went,
"Do you remember when Prue lost her wedding ring
"and we had to stop production and look for it for ages?"
I was like, "I have no memory of that whatsoever."
Because I was like, literally had my head against an oven crying...
LAUGHTER
..thinking how am I going to make these cream horns?
LAUGHTER
Did you find the ring, by the way? Yeah, we did. Yeah.
TOM: Where was it? It was in the car park.
LAUGHTER
It had fallen off.
Take it off before you go to one of your famous orgies.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It fell off.
APPLAUSE
Are you...
We were talking earlier on to Niall,
and Niall is gonna play in just a second,
but we were talking about what he does to unwind,
he likes golf at the moment. Oh, yeah?
Are you sporty? Are you a golf person?
Because you look quite healthy, you look quite sporty.
MAYA LAUGHS Sorry. Sorry.
LAUGHTER
Got a bit of a laugh, I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry I'm not one of the Love Island boys.
LAUGHTER
You look lovely, James. You look lovely.
Thank you, Mum.
LAUGHTER
Are you sporty, though, do you play sports? Not really.
I've tried golf once...
Well, I didn't try golf, I went to a driving range once
when I was like... I was 18 and just had a break up
and found out that they were going out with someone that I knew,
and, very immaturely, didn't take it well,
so in order to, like, try and take my aggression out
in a place that might be a bit healthier,
I went to the driving range and I thought,
"I'm gonna smack these golf balls so hard
"and then no-one will ever leave me again." And...
LAUGHTER
..I put it on a golf tee and I was just like, all my might,
I was like, "Fuck you, ball."
And I smacked it, and instead of going forwards,
it went sideways. LAUGHTER
And sideways is a dividing wall,
ricocheted, I don't need to tell you, right in the dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It was the most pain I'd ever felt before.
And it really put heartbreak in perspective.
LAUGHTER
James, thank you, as always, for coming on the show.
Thanks to all my guests tonight, they've all been so much great fun.
We'll be back next week with Liam Neeson, Mel Giedroyc,
Munya Chawawa, and Lady Blackbird performing on the show.
But now, with Heaven, here he is, it's Niall Horan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BACKING SINGERS VOCALISE
# Strange light revolves around you
# You float across the room
# Your touch is made of something
# Heaven can't hold a candle to
# You're made of somethin' new
# Let's not get complicated
# Let's just enjoy the view
# It's hard to be a human
# So much to put an answer to
# But that's just what we do
# God only knows where this could go
# And even if our love Starts to grow outta control
# And you and me go up in flames
# Heaven won't be the same
# I'm havin' revelations
# You dance across the floor
# Beyond infatuation
# How I obsessively adore you
# That's what I do
# I believe, I believe I could die in your kiss
# No, it doesn't get, Doesn't get better than this
# God only knows where this could go
# And even if our love Starts to grow outta control
# And you and me go up in flames
# Heaven won't be the same
# God only knows where this could go
# And even if our love Starts to grow outta control
# And you and me go up in flames
# Heaven won't be the same
# I
# I believe,
# I believe, I
# I believe, I believe,
# I believe, I believe
I could die in your kiss
# No,
# No, it
# No, it doesn't
# No, it doesn't get
Doesn't get better than,
# Better than this
# God only knows where this could go
# And even if our love
# And you and me go up in flames
# Heaven won't be the same
# God only knows where this could go
# And even if our love Starts to grow outta control
# And you and me go up in flames
# Heaven won't be the same. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com