CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Hello, everyone.
Thank you for that lovely welcome. Thank you all for coming here
and being here this evening,
and especially thank you for joining us at home.
Good evening, and welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
We have a great show lined up for you tonight, so I'm gonna start,
as I always do, by showing you the guests we have in my green room.
First up, a superstar actor with enormous range.
You'll know him from Love Actually, Schindler's List, Star Wars, Taken.
It is of course Liam Neeson, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Plus, we have one of the most exciting
young British actors working today.
From Game Of Thrones and the huge new series The Last Of Us,
it's Bella Ramsey! Hello, Bella.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm a huge fan.
Bella Ramsey.
Alongside them, one of my favourite guests,
who seems to have a permanent twinkle in her eye.
It's Mel Giedroyc!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lovely Mel.
And we also have on the show tonight,
a BAFTA-nominated comedian.
The very, very funny Munya Chawawa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And we also have, I'm thrilled to say,
some fabulous music for you tonight.
A unique performer with an incredible voice.
I'm a big fan, I'm sure you will be, too. It's Lady Blackbird!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And that's an outfit right there.
Before I get my guests out here, it was the Oscars
this weekend that's just gone by. My favourite moment of the Oscars,
the thing I most enjoy about it,
is seeing what the stars turn up wearing. It's the outfits.
And there was one outfit in particular
that caused a bit of controversy this year.
It was the one worn by singer-songwriter Tems.
Let me show you. Have a look at this. There it is.
That's the outfit, which is beautiful.
Looks amazing, doesn't she? Until you find out
that you're the person who's gonna be sitting behind her.
LAUGHTER
It'd be like watching the Oscars through the body of a ghost,
wouldn't it? Or like a lovely, lightly poached egg.
That-That man behind her, he had to sit like that
for three-and-a-half hours!
LAUGHTER
But I feel like, once again, there was one group
criminally underrepresented at the Oscars this year.
That's right, pets.
LAUGHTER
I thought we might have a few pet lovers in this evening.
So I'd like to do our own version of the awards.
This is the pet Oscars, ladies and gentlemen.
OSCARS THEME MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here they are. Here are the nominees for Best Dramatic Performance.
Have a look at this.
I know you're scared.
Just cutting your nails. I'm not gonna hurt you.
MAN: Here she goes. Boing. She's dead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I can't choose. I'm gonna give 'em all an Oscar.
Should we get on with the show?
CHEERING Why don't we?
Let's get my first guests out here. It's Bella Ramsey and Mel Giedroyc!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Thanks for coming on. Hiya. Thank you for coming.
Mel, how lovely to see you again. Come and sit down.
Whoo, look at this. We've got food, we've got drinks.
Hi, guys!
It's lovely to have you.
I've gotta say, Bella, I love your outfit. Thank you.
That's the best outfit we've ever had on this show. Ever?
Ever. Ever! In the history of outfits.
I've been talking about the Oscars a bit there.
Mel, what awards have you won in your career?
So, when we did Bake Off, erm, we won... we won a BAFTA.
Wow! We won a BAFTA.
Come on, well-deserved. Thanks, guys. Come on, stop it.
It was the golden age of Bake Off.
Quite a few years ago, I have to say.
Quite a few years ago. And how was the evening for you?
If you're nominated for an award, that's a tense evening.
Oh, man. It was... The pacing was all wrong for us.
We started having some drinks,
but sort of at midday/11 in the morning, Sue and I.
Absolutely lathered come two o'clock.
Come five o'clock, when you're supposed to be there,
looking a bit sort of rough, feeling a bit all over the shop.
So, I was chewing gum.
I thought get rid of the old, awful dead Prosecco breath,
and I was chewing loads of gum.
And we were sitting in the audience having a real laugh,
Perks and I having a great time.
And then it was announced that we'd won.
A piece of chewing gum
flew... in a beautiful arc into the hairdo
of the woman sitting in the row in front.
LAUGHTER
And it turned out she was a slightly important BBC exec.
Yeah. And I could see
it was just stuck in the beehive.
Bella, you've never done anything like that.
No, but I have gum in my mouth now, so I'm getting worried.
Where is it? I'm very good at hiding it.
Where the heck is it?!
You can look in my mouth and try and find if you want.
Have you tucked it...? Have you...? LAUGHTER
Have you tucked it under the tongue?
It's, like, stuck to my top teeth.
That's a good skill. Where have you learned this gum...?
I learnt it from Pedro Pascal, actually.
Really? He's the chief...
CHEERING Yeah, yeah. He deserves that.
Whoa. Yeah, he's the chief gum hider.
We should mention, cos not everyone has seen it, of course,
but Pedro Pascal co-stars in the amazing The Last Of Us
with Bella, and the two of you...
I can't imagine that isn't real,
that friendship that we see on screen there. It's very real.
Imagine if it was all fake. That would be rough. No, it's...
That would acting. That would be true acting.
No, it's very real.
But you've really become close, haven't you? I love him.
I miss him, actually.
Where is he now? Where is he now? What's he doing?
He's in Los Angeles, living his best life.
The Mandalorian has just come out,
so he's very busy. WHOOPING
Yeah, big whoop. I still haven't seen it.
I need to watch it. He's so good.
Had you met him before you started the show
or was it when you got the parts? No.
We were both on Game Of Thrones, but in different seasons.
He'd died long before. Sorry to anyone that hasn't seen it.
He died long before I got there. Can I ask how old you are now?
I'm 19. 19. Mm-hm.
OK, 19. Cos you play... Is she 15 in The Last Of Us,
the character you play? Yeah, 14-15. 14-15.
So how old were you when you got the part in Game Of Thrones?
I was 11 years old. 11?!
It was my first job. Wow!
So, am I right in thinking that you probably hadn't seen the show
when you got the part? No.
Absolutely. I was far too little.
Mel, have you watched The Last Of Us yet?
Right, Bella, I...
You're amazing in it, can I just say? Thank you.
Erm, I've only seen one episode cos I was too sca...
I was too scared. I never realised how quickly zombies move.
Ooh, they do. It's terrifying! But is that a thing?
Well, it's not real. Do they, do they...?
I mean, you know it's not real.
But do they always move that quickly?
Cos that REALLY freaked me out.
LAUGHTER
The show couldn't be bigger, though. I think the last episode,
when it went out, it got 30...
Well, it's been getting 30 million viewers per episode.
What?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's huge here, but it's a huge hit all over the world,
so congratulations. Thank you.
Due in no small part to your performance.
And has life changed for you?
I know people recognised you when you were on Game Of Thrones,
but since this, it must have gone to a whole new level?
So do you get recognised more now? Yeah. I do. It's more consistent.
It's more like every time I go out now.
And what sort of response?
In Pret the other day, eating some soup, and then...
Which soup was it? Tomato.
Oh, that's a good one! It's a great one. It's my favourite.
I like that one. The tomato's good.
The chicken one's good as well. I'm vegan.
Oh, sorry, you're vegan. I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER No, I'm sorry.
Also, that's not the takeaway from this story -
what soup is good at Pret. LAUGHTER
And what sort of reaction did you get? How do people engage?
Yeah, so... People are very sweet most of the time.
I've not really had bad experiences yet,
but it's sometimes at awkward times,
when I'm eating my soup and I spill it all down me.
Or when I waiting in line for the toilet at St Pancras Station.
That was the first time I ever got recognised.
So you're waiting in line outside the toilet... Yeah, yeah.
..and then someone came up and said... Are you from the...?
Actually, "Are you from the television?"
And I say, "Er, yeah."
Depending on what, like, thing you've seen.
But, yeah, the queue goes down and I need a wee, and I say,
"Look, we'll chat after."
When I was, like, 12 or something. Yeah. Oh, my God.
That's a very cool response, "We'll chat after."
Yeah, yeah. "Laterz."
But we haven't explained yet what the show is.
How would you explain it to someone who hasn't seen it?
It's a post-apocalyptic backdrop.
It's the story of, really, Ellie and Joel.
Ellie meets Joel. Ellie is just, like, this random kid
who turns out to be immune to this virus.
And Joel is a hardened survivor tasked with smuggling her
across the US in search of a cure.
So, that happens, and along their way,
they meet a lot of people.
And zombies feast on people's necks.
And rip them open. No, not really.
They do, though. No, no, they're...
Look. No, you haven't seen it.
Why are you telling us what's in a show you clearly haven't watched?!
LAUGHTER
It's cordyceps. Cordyceps.
This is sort of a real thing.
This is a real thing in the world, isn't it? Cordyceps is real.
This could theoretically... It's scientifically possible.
Oh, don't say that. Is this gonna happen?
Bella, is this...? Well, we hope not.
And cordyceps are mushrooms, aren't they?
Spooky mushrooms. Er, yeah. Quite a few scientists
think this might happen. Stop it. I don't wanna know that.
OK, let's have a look. So, that's what it is.
It's a kind of a love story. It's a beautiful relationship story,
but set against the backdrop of a virus.
And they have to get across country.
And they face any number of challenges. Have a look at this.
Fuck yeah.
GUTTURAL SCREECHING
SHE GASPS
IT GASPS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
See, that was... that was tense rather than too scary, wasn't it?
You did jump out of your seat, to be fair.
Come on, Mel, you've woken up at student parties
and seen things like that. LAUGHTER
If you haven't watched it,
it's available on loads of digital platforms,
so you can find it and watch them. There's only nine in this series.
There's nine, yeah. I can't wait for the next series.
And I think I know the answer,
but how soon can we get to see the next series? It will be a while.
I think we'll probably shoot, like, end of this year, beginning of next.
And then it's, like, a year filming,
so it'll be probably end of, like, '24, early '25.
We will talk about The Last Of Us more,
I could talk about it all night, but we should mention that Mel,
and this is very exciting news...
Mel is about to become the co-host of the Eurovision Song Contest,
ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
No way.
That's pretty cool. Well...
You'll be, I believe, the first woman to do UK commentary.
I'll be in the commentary box.
I'm not gonna be doing 100%
because Graham Norton is gonna be presenting on stage,
then he's gonna be bobbing betwixt the box and stage,
but I'll be in the little darkened burrow of the commentary box.
And I get the feeling you've always been a fan of Eurovision.
Oh! I mean, I'm obsessed.
Do you like it, Bella? Yes. I mean, it's so good.
It's gonna be so brilliant this year.
We're in Liverpool. Yeah.
CHEERING I know, it's amazing. It's amazing.
And we're hosting on behalf of Ukraine.
It's gonna be very poignant and very powerful.
We've got a great UK entry in Mae Muller. Mm-hm.
I think she's gonna be just superb. I love her.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love her. And... if you are lucky enough
to ever go to a Eurovision...
Well, if we knew anyone who hosted it, we could get an invite.
We tried to get tickets! Did you try?
We were on the website, and it was all sold out within two minutes.
It was. Listen, I don't know what I can do.
I don't hold much sway at all,
but I'll try and get everyone in, OK? Thanks.
Yeah, OK. So it's...
Yeah, yeah. I'm holding you to it.
So, did you used to have watching parties of it?
Did you watch it with groups? Always. Yeah.
We... I remember really clearly, we used to be filming Bake Off
when Eurovision was on
and used to get Mary, Paul, Sue, my good self,
always in white towelling dressing gowns,
cos we were in a hotel. The little...
There we go! There we are! Aw!
With... with white...
Mary quite cut, actually, there.
You can see the little glass poking up there.
Erm, little comedy slippers.
And it was... Yeah, it was so fun.
We had little parties in our hotel room.
But you mentioned Mary enjoying a drink there,
and on the show, famously, Terry Wogan,
who hosted it for so many years so well,
you could hear him getting visibly affected.
You could hear in his voice, he was being affected
by the alcohol throughout of the evening.
Graham enjoys a drink during the show. He makes no secret.
Will you be joining them?
Will you be having little espresso martini? Absolutely not.
No, because... Well, no.
Wait. I think Terry used to wait till song 11.
Or he said he waited till song 11 and then he had a little snifter.
But I know if I have a whiff of an alcoholic drink,
it'll be game over, so I've got to keep sharp.
And of course I'll be having a drink,
I'll be having loads of drinks. LAUGHTER
It would be rude not to.
But I think I've probably seen you drunk more often
than I've seen you sober. Oh, Jonathan.
No. It's not a bad thing. Oh, dear.
No, no, because it doesn't take much to get you drunk, does it? No.
Are you a lightweight? I'm a lightweight, Bella!
How are you?
I've-I've never tested the waters. Never? Nah.
You're old enough to drink now.
I'm old enough to drink, but I wasn't around people my age
when drinking was a thing, so I've just never done it.
Avoid the Purple Parachute, if you can. The Purple Parachute?
I don't even know if they still exist,
but it's what us young'uns used to drink when we were teens.
What is it? Purple Parachute.
It's lager, cider and then something purple.
I don't know what. Goodness.
And Sue, my comedy partner, we were students together,
and she lost me one time,
and she said she found me via the splats of Purple Parachute
on the street.
Like ET when he's following the little, you know, sweets. Wow.
She found me. Where was it coming from?
From my mouth. Oh!
Sorry. Which, let's face it,
is probably the nicer answer we could have expected.
OK, so, you're hosting Liverpool. Hosting Liverpool.
Spent much time there before? I've done gigs in Liverpool.
Always had an absolutely tremendous time. Such a great city.
We had a few gigs there - again, Sue and my good self -
and, erm...
What happened? I'm sure something happened.
LAUGHTER
Which eludes me now. Something bad. I remember what happened.
We did a gig in Liverpool, we were on tour,
staying at the same hotel as the Tory party conference.
Wow. A natural fit (!)
I mean... BELLA LAUGHS
And we had a drummer in our band, and he was three sheets to the wind.
And we had to pull him off Edwina Currie. Wow.
Because he got angry, he didn't share the politics of Edwina Currie.
Her minder stepped in, this posh guy in a bowtie,
had to physically pull him off.
I got between him and I saved Edwina Currie,
basically, that evening. Wow.
Well, that speaks very highly of you as a person.
Well, I don't know. Anyway... Yeah.
Different times, Bella. Can you do the accent?
Liverpool? I won't because I've, you know...
Cos you've got to go there. I've got to go there. Exactly.
How are you with accents, Bella? I can do accents.
You do a great American accent.
I thought you were American. I didn't realise.
Cos you're from Nottingham? I was born in Nottingham, yeah.
So what are your go-to accents? If you had to...? Scottish.
I never used to be able to do Scottish,
then I was so happy the day that I could.
Can we hear some Scottish? Can you do a Scottish accent?
I'll give it a go.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Shall we speak in Scottish for a second together?
I'm embarrassing myself. OK, let's have a conversation.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: It depends where you're from.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I don't know. I'm a mixture. You're great.
Fancy some haggis? I'd love some haggis. And Irn-Bru.
This is like a weird... Yeah. APPLAUSE
I kind of felt like I was watching a weird version of Gogglebox
for a minute there. We're gonna take a break. Don't go away.
In a few moments, we'll be joined by Liam Neeson.
We'll see you in a couple of minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
He has given incredible performances
in some of my favourite movies of all time.
He's in Schindler's List, of course, Star Wars,
so many other great movies.
He is one of those actors who, when he is in a film,
you know it is going to be great. It is the brilliant Liam Neeson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
JONATHAN LAUGHS That's what we want!
That's what we want. Bit of showbiz. Good to see you. Great to see you.
This is Mel. Hello.
And this is the amazing Bella Ramsey.
How are you doing? Great to see you. This is Bella.
Come on, then. You're sitting up here.
Liam, it's so lovely to have you back on the couch.
Thank you for joining me again. Jonathan, it's been a few years.
It has, but thank you for joining me again.
Great to be here.
It's been a few years, but if anything, you look younger.
You look amazing. Yeah.
How are you keeping in such good shape?
LAUGHTER
It does help.
Can't buy you everything, but it can buy you youth,
ladies and gentlemen.
But do you exercise, do you work out, do you have a regime?
You have to, really, but, yeah. Yeah.
Power walking. Yeah.
Little bit of rowing. Bit of rowing.
And sex. But do you power walk?
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Joking, of course.
But it's amazing because Liam... You will not believe this.
Liam is - I hope you don't mind - 70 years old.
Stop it. CHEERING
Looks like a baby.
Looks like you and Bella were in the same class at school.
Look at that. Oh, stop it.
But do you walk outdoors, or do you have a machine indoors?
I live in New York.
When I'm in the city, I use Central Park.
You go for a walk around... On your own, or do you like company?
No, I have a walking partner, a lovely lady - Amy.
We've been walking for 15, 16 years.
I met her husband... I have to tell you this.
I met her husband for the first time at this premiere of a movie of mine,
and I saw Amy, and I went over to her, and I saw him.
I said, "Jay, I have to tell you right now... Hi, Liam.
"..Amy and I are not having an affair."
LAUGHTER
If someone said that to me,
I would think, 100%, they're having an affair.
LAUGHTER
Because that's like you're trying to hide in plain sight. I know.
Have you learned nothing from your films? No. But you're right.
I realised that as the words left my mouth. It was like...
Did he believe you? I think he did. Good.
Because it's the truth, of course. Yes. It was the truth. Yeah.
You know what...
LAUGHTER
You've just made... This is incredible.
Liam's here because he has a great new movie out.
It's called Marlowe, OK?
It's a kind of film noir detective film, like a classic,
but with a modern take as well.
It's in cinemas now, and it's available on Sky Cinema.
But this is, I don't know if you know this - you probably did -
your 100th film.
Sure, yeah. Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow! Wow!
You've played such a range of characters.
I was just looking at a list of the different roles you've played.
Here we go. Detective, of course. Jedi...
MEL GASPS Jedi! Lion.
Lion. What was the lion again?
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
No way! He's the lion. He's the lion.
Who played the wardrobe?
LAUGHTER
You've been the Christian God, you been the Christian God,
you've been a Greek God, Jesuit priest... Yeah. A few times.
..murdering priest. Yeah.
You were a priest in The Simpsons. Different sort of priest.
Catholic priest. You've played Jesus Christ.
Sure, yeah.
He says sure, like... LAUGHTER
You played a good cop. Yes. Played a bad cop. Yeah.
Ex-CIA agent. Yes.
Ex-FBI agent. Yeah, a few times.
Ex-NYPD cop. A few times.
Ex-hitman. Yeah.
Sheriff. Many times.
Admiral. Raccoon!
Oh, yeah.
He was a raccoon in The Nut Job. I was miscast.
LAUGHTER I really was.
Do you have, though... Looking back,
which are the parts you look back on most fondly?
Which are the roles or the performances you gave
that filled you with the most pride, or you are most fond of?
Jonathan, I... I've loved all of them.
You know, some of the movies were so-so,
some were very good, I thought, but... I've always come away
with a positive outlook. Yeah.
The food's good as well, Liam, isn't it?
I know. LAUGHTER
I really... I've only been on a movie set a couple of times,
but the food was fantastic. Yeah.
The fact that it's just there. The van rumbles in,
you go up the little steps, you get what you want.
It's always a nice choice of three of four things.
Mel... Yes.
What were you doing movie set? LAUGHTER
Apart from stealing food from the hard-working crew and actors?
Have you made films?
No. They were filming round the corner from where I live.
So you just went and joined in? I had a look, I was walking the dog.
They were very friendly, and they let me come in and... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Liam, you know, it's such an interesting career you've had
because I knew you as a character actor,
but a leading actor who did very intense characters,
and then you had that change in direction
when you did the Taken movies.
And suddenly, you were an action hero,
which was... no-one really saw coming.
No. I certainly didn't. Yeah.
And that first Taken movie...
Actually, we shot it 16 years ago this month, for a start.
But I thought it was straight to video.
When I read the script, and I was eventually offered it,
it was three months in Paris, not too shabby. Lovely.
Great stunt guys.
Good food? The food was good.
Imagine the French catering, Mel.
Oh, stop it. Was it French? It was in Paris.
Of course it was French!
How lovely.
You've made three Taken movies, is that right?
We did three, yeah.
Any thought of doing another one?
No. No? Nah.
But Maggie Grace, who plays my daughter, a wonderful girl,
and we're really good friends,
she's since got married and had a baby,
so I've sent her many texts saying, "Maggie... stay with me.
"OK, the baby gets taken.
"You're gonna scream a lot, but don't worry,
"I'll save the baby."
I was wondering because when you get older,
it might be that something isn't taken.
Maybe he's just forgotten where he put it.
You could have a whole one where you're just looking for your keys.
Exactly. With my Zimmer frame.
AS LIAM: I know they're here somewhere.
I'll stop doing your voice. I apologise. No, that was good.
Let's talk about Marlowe.
You're working with the director Neil Jordan. Sure.
Who you've known for many, many years. Yeah.
Tell us about the story. Tell us about the plot.
Marlowe is Philip Marlowe, who's a private investigator.
First written about, invented by Raymond Chandler...
Ray Chandler. ..in the '40s.
You know, he's a bit shady, but has a code of ethics.
Well, he's kind of an honest man in a dishonest world. Exactly.
That's a good way of describing it. I love those books. Read them all.
It's set... Our film is set in 1938, 1939. Wow.
Let's have a look at Marlowe.
It's out in cinemas now, and you can see it on Sky Cinema,
and it's a great late '30s, early '40s private eye thriller.
Look at this.
Thank you. WOMAN: You're welcome.
MAN: Here he is.
Mr Hanson sends his apologies.
Lynn Peterson's been detained. Oh.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Is that Lynn with an X?
THEY GRUNT
Oh, fuck it.
I'm getting too old for this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There's action in it as well. But it's not really an action film.
No, I don't think so. It's more kind of mystery.
That's a great line as you leave the room
after beating those guys up. Yeah. I have to take credit for that
because we did a few takes,
and I was like, "Oh, here we go again."
There was quite a distance between disposing of the last guy
and the door that I exit.
And I thought, "I have to say something between here and there."
And I thought, "Yeah, I'm getting too old for this,"
and Neil said, "Yeah, keep it, I like that."
You know, we were talking about it earlier.
No spoilers here, but you can work it out -
most people die in Game Of Thrones.
And Bella does die in it. Did you watch Game Of Thrones?
I did. I loved it. Did you remember her death? No. OK.
That's because I'm 70. Fair enough.
Remind us of your death... you were killed by a larger person.
A giant, yeah. Well, I killed him back. Yes.
That was his thing. He, like, lifted me...
When we shot it, it was a giant robotic claw.
I was gonna ask whether you were... Were you just suspended in...
Had they made the model of it?
Yeah, they made... It was just a green, like, claw thing
that was programmed to shake me around like a giant,
strapped into, like, a bicycle seat and harness. Whoa.
I was having to put my own blood in my mouth.
It was 20 foot in the air. It was great.
Well, you have to be careful. Have you ever been injured on a set?
Yes.
Uh, Rob Roy. I was...
Tim Roth stabbed me in the hand. Ouch.
He does have a temper.
No, that was an accident, presumably?
It was an accident. Uh...
But Tim has version of it, and I have a version of it.
He says, well... because of our schedule in that film,
I was only able to rehearse it on Saturdays.
Tim had more time off, and he was able to rehearse
always with the stunt guy.
But when we got together to shoot it,
we had actually only rehearsed it maybe twice.
Not enough. No. Oh, my God.
And... Tim is lunging
and accidentally got me right in the hand.
Like, there was white stuff pouring out.
And he has never once said, "I'm sorry."
LAUGHTER
Seriously. You know what we should do?
What? We should find him.
LAUGHTER
And talk to him about it.
Nah, we're good pals, Tim and I.
"I've got a special set of skills."
Used to have.
Liam, are you sick of people saying that to you?
The thing from Taken?
It's a compliment, I guess, you know.
Cos the films are so much fun, and people love 'em. We love 'em.
I've seen it loads of times.
But I have to say, when we were doing that scene,
the speech, to me, little monologue over the telephone,
I just said, "Oh, this is... trite.
"It's been said so many times."
"I've got a particular set of skills,
"and when I find you, I'll...
"Give me a second, I'll think about it." You know?
I was like, "Please, can we cut it?"
But if you had delivered it like that...
The director said, "Trust me, it's gonna work."
Yeah, cos if you read it like that, we wouldn't have liked it.
But it's the way you do it, cos you have that serious tone,
and it feels very real.
Yeah. It seemed to work. It did. It struck a chord.
So, if you'd had wanted to do the shortened version,
thinking it was too long, what would you have said, do you think?
There's too many F words. I can't say it.
Yeah, yeah, so like a real dad responding about that? Absolutely.
It's always so lovely having you on the show.
I hope you can stick around for the rest of it? Sure, yeah.
OK, Liam Neeson is gonna be with us for the rest of the show.
Don't go away because up next,
we'll be joined by the very funny Munya Chawawa.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out here.
He was nominated for a BAFTA for his show Race Around Britain
and won best breakthrough comedian
at last year's National Comedy Awards.
It's Munya Chawawa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look very cool. Thank you.
Hello, gorgeous.
Long time, no see.
Lovely to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Sit down. You're looking good. Thank you.
Last time I met you, you were dressed as a giant aubergine.
LAUGHTER Yes.
That's correct. Let's have a look.
This is when you were dressed... Oh, wow.
This was your Halloween party. Yes.
Now, I had really badly timed my outfits.
I didn't have an outfit ready, so I ordered this.
Now, I'm thinking to myself, "I can't inflate this in the car
"because one rogue sharp object, the whole thing's going down."
So, I get onto the road where I can see your party,
and there's paps everywhere, so I'm like,
"I need to be in costume, but I haven't inflated my aubergine."
So... Not a phrase you should say
in front of women you don't know terribly well.
Was it a foot pump job? Was it one of those?
You could do it that way. People do it differently.
LAUGHTER
So, it's raining, so I'm thinking,
"I need to inflate the costume before I hit the paparazzi." Yeah.
The only place open was a library,
so I went into the reception of the library,
and the receptionist was Spanish, and there's no-one else there.
She was getting ready to close down.
The only thing I could say to her was,
"Do you mind if, for five minutes, I inflate my aubergine?
LAUGHTER
And I was kicked out.
LAUGHTER
So, you kind of represent, like,
a new wave of comedians coming through, who come through...
They don't come through the way people used to do.
They come through by generating their own content online
and get noticed that way, and that's kind of the way
you've kind of entered the consciousness, isn't it?
Yeah. I mean, look, I really wanted to get into TV.
I was trying every single avenue.
You know, I tried doing fashion vlogging, normal blogging.
And I said to myself, look, let me just make a sketch,
and I made these sketches, and they start to take off,
the wheels start to turn slowly. Yeah.
Let me keep doing them, see what happens,
and the rest is history.
You turn them out really quickly, don't you?
So, I opened Twitter one day and I saw jerk rice was trending.
Now, I'm thinking to myself, what on earth is jerk rice?
Cos I come from a mixed-race family, so my mum's white, my dad's black,
so sometimes, there was that cultural fusion.
I turn up to dinner, we'd be like having shepherd's jerk, right?
LAUGHTER
So... Because jerk chicken
is the traditional one. Exactly.
So, I'm seeing now
that Jamie Oliver's made jerk rice in a packet.
And I'm on the bus, and I'm thinking,
"What would it be like if this man made a whole Caribbean meal?"
So I'm portraying the character,
so I was Jamie Oliver's cousin, Johnny Oliver.
And I'm like, "Cool, if he hears rum punch,
"he's probably gonna punch some rum."
Punch the rum, put it in a glass.
Jerk chicken. People sometimes wash their chicken.
I'm like, "Cool, I'll take a step further."
Get the Dettol spray out, give it a few squirts, remove all the germs.
And all of a sudden, I've got this completely inedible meal,
I post it online, and it goes crazy.
So, has Jamie Oliver, by the way...
Did Jamie Oliver ever see the Johnny Oliver sketch?
Do you know what his response was?
Somebody said to me that he liked it.
You know, even a lot of politicians,
I've heard that they've seen the videos as well.
You know, one time, I came out of the BRIT Awards,
and I was about to leave,
and then Matt Hancock came out at the same time. Uh-oh.
So, now, we're going down the escalator.
Now, Jon, you know this.
You leave one step between the person in front of you.
Minimum. Minimum.
Chevrons. See what I'm saying?
Two chevrons. It's like being on the motorway.
Thank you. Escalators are the motorway.
I look around, this man is breathing down my neck.
He does get too close. Very close!
I was like, "OK, I don't want to talk to him,
"but maybe I should get a selfie. This could be iconic."
I took out my phone, then I thought, as a rule,
I don't take dick pics, so I put it away.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was good. Nice.
Tell me about the character you do.
Is he a rapper, is he a drill artist?
Unknown P. Oh, yeah, yeah.
So, obviously... So, I used to live in Zimbabwe,
and when I moved to England, my parents thought,
"Where's the least likely place my son's gonna join a gang?"
OK?
So we moved to a village in Norwich called Framingham Pigot.
LAUGHTER Literally.
Badgers were the only form of diversity we had.
LAUGHTER
So when I moved to London, I'm now like,
"OK, drill's taking over, it's going huge."
But then I started to see, you know, peers of mine,
people I was getting on my radio show at the time,
making this music that they loved,
and it was being demonised in the press.
And I'm thinking to myself, right, cool, the thing is,
there are posh kids singing these songs,
they're being sung in private schools.
So let me see what response is if I make a posh drill rapper
because then is it more acceptable?
So I put on a flat cap, some wellies.
You know, that's middle-class 101. Yeah.
And, erm... And I started doing posh drill.
This is a little burst of Unknown P for you.
What in the bumba?
A middle-class Daily Duppy? I don't believe it.
Mildred, pop open the Shloer, will you? Ha-ha!
I haven't been this excited since Crufts in 2008.
Mm, Unknown P.
# I copped a yacht in the sale
# Running down opps Cheffing up quails
# Never chase females Cos it just gets long
# Like Digga D's nails If you point the finger like ET
# I'm spraying up rats Like Banksy graffiti
# Now a man's stressed Cos I got the ting pressed
# To his chest like a GP I make more Ps than a doctor
# And I'm sat front row In a box at the opera
# Call my new ting Preeya
# Cos man pree her Like her last name's Chopra
# She's working class But peng, though
# I switch up girls, Nintendo
# She stays the night But I make her leave
# In the AM, Skengdo
# I'm a middle-class shotta... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You mentioned growing up in Zimbabwe
but you were born in Derby, weren't you?
Unfortunately, yes. BELLA CHUCKLES
Then you spent much of your youth in Zimbabwe. Yeah.
And then came back here. What did you do?
What was growing up in Zimbabwe like?
It was a life where we made our own adventures, OK?
So, in England, yeah, when you guys took a bath,
you could watch the TV, have electronics and stuff.
We didn't really have that.
One thing I used to do to form my own adventures was...
Before I'd have a bath,
I would cover the entire bath in Vaseline.
Right? Hang on.
Are you sure you want to tell this story? Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER Before I... OK.
One of my most prominent memories of Zim is,
before I used to have a bath,
I used to cover the whole bath in Vaseline
and stand up and see how long I could surf in the bath, right?
That was a competition I would play with myself.
One day, it went really wrong, OK?
So, we went to this lodge where there were loads of animals.
The whole reason you go to this lodge
is because animals roam freely. Amazing. Right?
So, I've gone in there, I've run a bath,
I've put some Vaseline in it. I'm on holiday, right?
How much Vaseline were you carrying around?
LAUGHTER
And, er, I stood up in the bath
and, all of a sudden, my mum knocked.
She was like, "There's elephants walking outside."
And there was a parade of elephants
walking through the middle of the villas. Wow.
So I've stood up now
and I've slipped and I've gone straight onto the toilet seat.
Ow. Ooh.
Which was covered with Vicks VapoRub, I bet.
LAUGHTER
But that's a... That's a fascinating insight.
I mean, the point to take from that, Jonathan,
is I had a lot of fun in Zimbabwe. You had a lot of fun.
It sounds like a lot of fun,
but it sounds like you were quite lonely, perhaps?
LAUGHTER That is a fair point.
Cos that's quite a lot of planning to basically Vas up a bath.
OK, what... Hang on, hang on. Before we alienate me here,
you lot never played weird games as kids?
Not with Vaseline! OK, fine.
Minus the Vaseline, what did you play?
I had a club.
I had a club under the laurel bush at the back of the garden.
LAUGHTER
This is good. Were there other members?
I think one. I think...
I had a two member club. Did you?
Mine was called The Rude Club.
The Rouge? Rude.
Oh, Rude. The Rude Club!
From Horrid Henry. And we would talk about
the rude words that we knew.
The rudest one I could come up with was "toilet".
LAUGHTER How old were you then?
Probably about seven. Seven. Toilet.
When you were coming up with toilet,
he was greasing himself up and running around...
Now, Munya's going on tour, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, thank you.
Has it started already? When does it start?
Er, tour starts in October. October.
It's exciting because I'm going to get
to bring my characters to life.
People will see the characters that they've enjoyed online. 100%.
I got to connect with people over lockdown,
where my sketches were blowing up,
but there's so many people I haven't met,
so many people from all over who have supported me
and, you know, got me here, that I just want to get out there
and have a bit of face time, you know.
That's nice, to meet the people who've helped you get where you are.
100%, 100%. Which you kind of don't always get.
You don't get in films, do you? LIAM: No.
Cos you put it out there and then you're not involved as much. Yeah.
Especially being in something with such a loyal fan base
like the Star Wars movies.
But do you get a lot of Star Wars love?
Yeah, there has been, yeah.
I just, uh...
I can see you love it (!) LAUGHTER
No, I liked doing that one, but it was 26 years ago.
Was the Jedi costume rough to the touch?
Was it quite...? Or was it nice and...?
Do they...? Do they line it with something?
You had, sort of, silky kind of underwear, you know.
LAUGHTER
Don't spoil Star Wars for us!
I don't want to think a Jedi's having a fight
and he's wearing silk pants!
I want them to be wearing hessian. I want rough, yeah.
I remember... Sorry, the...
I'd find the kid that's going to eventually be Darth Vader,
and I... Oh, Anakin.
Anakin. And I have a scene where I'm telling him that he's special.
And I... I forget the lines, but I had this thing,
midi... midi-chlorian.
So I went over to George Lucas and said,
"George, what the F am I saying here?
"What's a midi-chlorian?"
And I remember George said,
"OK, you know in your gut, you have millions of bacteria?"
I says, "Yeah, OK."
"One of those has an intelligence."
And then he left, and I was like...
LAUGHTER
That's the only piece of directing I got in the whole movie.
Midi-chlorians. Midi-chlorians.
Made no sense whatsoever, did it?
OK, so, Munya, what's the tour called?
Probably called Vaseline Baths: The Adventures In Live Action.
And which ones of your characters will we see on stage?
Er, we're gonna see Jonny Oliver, probably,
Unknown P, Barty Crease... Yeah. ..the newsreader.
And who's your go-to character
who you know is gonna get people laughing? Mm.
I mean, people like a bit of Nigella,
and that's crazy... Hold on, you do Nigella?
I do Nigella, yeah. Wow.
Could you do a bit of Nigella for us?
Well, if there was, like, a T-shirt hanging around somewhere.
What, a black t-shirt?
LAUGHTER There we go.
I've seen your Nigella.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're gonna be amazed. It's...
It's like Nigella's in the room with you.
It's un... It's uncanny.
Er, shall we do...? Let's do beans on toast.
OK. All right, here we go.
Hold on, you normally have music, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I think we have the music, so we can... OK. Here we go.
SULTRY MUSIC
Hello, everybody.
So, today we're going to be making beans on toast,
and I love this meal because you can just pop it in
and be finished in a matter of seconds.
BELLA CHUCKLES
To start with, you're going to need a luscious loaf.
Now, be careful, as some of the pieces may clump together,
so you might have to separate the flaps.
LAUGHTER
Next up, some of the pieces may get a little parched,
so you will need some butter.
Some people only use a little bit, but I always like a big chunky knob.
LAUGHTER
I can't do any more! That's enough!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If you want to see Nigella and all the other characters,
go along and see it on tour.
We're gonna take a break, but don't go away,
because we've got more from my guests,
and Lady Blackbird performing here at the end of the show.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show.
I'm still here with all my guests, of course.
Liam, am I right in thinking you almost made a film -
I don't think you did -
with one of my other cinematic heroes, Jackie Chan?
They sent me a script and said,
"Jackie Chan's doing this, gonna shoot in China."
And I read this script and it was, like,
back-to-back action for, like, 22-year-olds.
I was like, "No, I'm not doing this, I'm 70 years of age."
But it's all fake, though, anyway, isn't it?
No, but this was...
From page one to page 90, it was just...
All this stuff, you know?
So is that what you look for in a film?
About how little work you have to do?
Yeah, days off, you know.
Mel's about to host the Eurovision.
We can't wait to see Mel do it, can we?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Although, I am gonna say, I hope I do...
you do a better job than some of the other hosting shows I've seen.
In particular, you were involved, rather bizarrely,
in commentating for Miss World.
SHE GASPS Oh, dear.
So, how did...? You did the Miss World competition?
When was this, how did this come about?
It was not... It was not good.
It was 1999,
and I was asked to do the live commentary for Miss World,
so in the Earl's Court arena
and also going into people's homes, on the telly.
And they...
It was very, very vague.
I pitched up in the morning and I said,
"I'm here to do the commentary."
And nobody really sort of knew what to do with me.
They just said, "There's a microphone upstairs,
"and there's a crate of Stella next to the microphone. Good luck."
But it was literally that.
There was no notes on any of the contestants, there was nothing.
So it was... It was absolute insanity.
And so, you didn't know anything about the women, you didn't know...?
Not really. And it was before the days
where you could look people up on the phone or anything like that.
The research was scant.
So I just made stuff up, basically. BELLA: Good for you.
What things did you say?
When the people walked out who were taking part in the competition...
It was literally, er,
"Miss Kenya, looking amazing.
"She studied metallurgy at Reading University."
LAUGHTER
"She then went on to have a career in fine art."
I mean, it was literally that. It was... It was carnage.
Did you get away with it?
Did they not talk to you about the job you'd done?
Did you get paid? I got paid.
And I think there was some slightly ferocious write-ups
in some of the tabloids the next day about this surreal commentary.
I mean, it was sub Alan Partridge, the commentary.
You know what? Mel, we have some of it. Oh, don't.
No, no, I can't take this.
It was kind of amazing because it's such a weird ceremony.
I don't know if they even do it any more, do they?
I actually... I'm gonna have to take the position.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go behind the sofa.
It's not that bad. You come out of this well. Really?
Yeah. Well, maybe. I don't know. Let's have a look.
So, this was 1999, you think? Yes.
Earl's Court. Miss World competition.
Earl's Court. Commentary, bizarrely, by Mel Giedroyc. Have a look.
Genny Chervoney coming back
to join her fellow Israeli.
She's one of the final five.
She's looking dead cool.
I wonder how she's feeling inside.
Slightly tense. Who knows? She's looking great.
Miss Liberia, Sebah Tubman.
Not showing a whiff of nerves, I have to say.
If I was up there, I'd be all over the shop.
Miss Venezuela.
Gliding through like a lovely swan.
LAUGHTER
Amazing. Wow. Yeah, that's good.
So bad! I love it.
Guys, can I just say... "Gliding like a swan."
But no... But no information there. No sort of...
You would just make it all up?
I promise you, by May, this May, I'll be better than that for the...
You know what? Even if that's all you do at Eurovision,
it will still be great. That's true.
There was no research!
MUNYA: It was great, though. You were confident.
There was not a whiff of nerves. LAUGHTER
That sounds so wrong as well, doesn't it?
That's perfect. No, Liam. God bless you.
Thanks for that. It's perfect, honestly.
You don't want...
The audience don't want to hear a bunch of information.
I like that from Liam
because there was not a whiff of sincerity.
LAUGHTER
Join me in saying thank you to all my guests this evening.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll be back next week. We have...
From Succession, Brian Cox will be here,
Ruth Wilson is on the show, the brilliant Greg Davies.
Jazmin Sawyers is here, Arlo Parks is doing music,
and Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston
will be joining us as well. MEL: Wow.
But now, with Woman, it's the phenomenal Lady Blackbird!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Woman
# How much blood's been shed Over a woman?
# How much money's spent out On a woman?
# Ever since the dawn of man
# Yeah, a woman
# Ooh, woman
# Nations rise and fall over a woman
# Even kings will cry before a woman
# Ever since the dawn of man
# Yeah, a woman
# God damn, those legs
# I'll do whatever she says
# Her body, my bed
# Her hair could strangle me dead
# Go to my head
# I'll do whatever she says
# Since the dawn of man
# Helpless in the hands of a woman
# I turned to the bottle for a woman
# I drive my car full throttle For a woman
# But I got myself to blame
# Yeah, a woman
# God damn, those legs
# I'll do whatever she says
# Her body, my bed
# Her hair could strangle me dead
# Go to my head
# I'll do whatever she says
# Ever since the dawn of man
# Helpless in the hands of a woman
# Woman, woman
# Yeah # Woman, woman, woman, woman
# God damn, those legs
# I'll do whatever she says
# Her body, my bed
# Her hair can strangle me dead
# Go to my head
# I'll do whatever she says
# Since the dawn of man
# Helpless in the hands of a woman # Woman, woman, woman
# I lost my mind to win over a woman
# Woman, woman, woman
# Yeah, I can trace my sins
# Back to a woman # Woman, woman, woman, woman
# Ever since the dawn of man
# Helpless in the hands of a woman
# Woman, woman, woman, woman
# Ever since the dawn of man
# Helpless in the hands
# Of a
# A woman. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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