APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello there, everyone!
How are you doing? Thank you for coming.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for joining us at home, of course.
And good evening, everybody. Welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
We have got a fabulous show lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my green room.
Now, I could list my first guest's hits and awards,
but we'd be going on all night.
No-one in the country doesn't know who he is,
he's one of the most successful people in the world,
and with good reason.
It is, of course, Ed Sheeran, ladies and gentlemen.
Ed is with us. Hi, Ed! Great to see you again.
Alongside Ed,
we have a man with just about the smoothest voice
in show business.
It's smoother than a dolphin in a smoking jacket.
LAUGHTER
It's smoother than George Clooney on rollerblades.
LAUGHTER
Smoother then Gregg Wallace in a wetsuit.
I'll tell you how smooth it is, it's smoother than a waxed otter
wearing sunglasses smothered in Vaseline,
sliding down a newly varnished banister listening to jazz.
LAUGHTER
It's the man that needs no introduction - Michael Buble!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
See how smooth he is.
And I'm excited to say
we've also got another home-grown superstar for you tonight.
I'm so thrilled she's back in the country,
even more delighted she's back on the show,
it's Lily Allen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love the blonde bob.
Plus, once again, I'm thrilled.
An award-winning comedian,
whose voice you'll probably recognise
from the hit dating show Too Hot To Handle.
She's always great on the show - the hilarious Desiree Burch!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as if that weren't enough,
joining us on the show tonight from his home in Australia,
where it's roughly 6:30 in the morning,
so he might be a bit grumpy,
Hollywood legend Russell Crowe will be joining us as well.
Good Russell.
Before I get my guests out,
let's go to the big story of the week.
The big, big story.
A man from East London has a very large dog.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
How large is it, you might be wondering?
It's so large, he's been sharing pictures of it online.
Shall we see the big good boy, ladies and gentlemen?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Here he is with his owner trying to get him into the car.
Look at the size of that.
Here he is playing pool.
There's the dog playing pool. Look at that.
The problem with playing pool with a dog, of course,
is every time you pot the ball, he brings it back.
Something like that.
His owner's quite tall, so you can't really get the benefit,
I don't think, from those photographs.
To put it in context,
to give you a sense of how big the dog really is,
we've put him next to a regular-sized man.
And you can see here...
LAUGHTER
Look how big he is! He's a big dog.
APPLAUSE
Shall we get on with the show, ladies and gentlemen?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
I think we probably should. Let's get my first guest out here.
Of course, it's Ed Sheeran!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come and sit down, Ed.
Great to have you back on the show, Ed.
Isn't it lovely to have Ed Sheeran on the show?
CHEERING
And you look super well. You look really...
You're glowing with a certain health.
You look very together, you look focused, and you look a bit buffer.
Have you been working out? Have you been training?
Thanks, man. I'll give you my routine.
What is the routine, then? What are you doing?
Er... Sounds so, like...
AMERICAN ACCENT: Arms Monday. Legs Tuesday. Yeah.
So, you're pumping the iron?
Yeah, you know, I always thought you had to go on,
like, long, long runs, and I hate running.
And, yeah, I do, like, dead lifts and squats and all of that.
The proper... I don't like running either cos the nipples.
But it looks good. You look great. Thank you.
You've had a new baby... Cos you had Lyra. Yeah.
And you have a new baby called Jupiter. I do, yeah.
Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.
So lovely.
Two babies. Two, yeah.
That's pretty full-on, isn't it?
It's great, though, man. It's great being a girl clad.
I love... I just love having daughters.
They're the best.
Do they like your music? Do you play? Do you sing to them?
Er... Yeah, actually.
But very much... I mean, you know what kids are like,
they kind of get obsessed with one thing
and they want that over again.
They don't like the extensive catalogue.
But they might be, like, "Play Shivers." Yeah.
They're like the rest of us.
When you say, "Here's something from the new album,"
they go, "No, thanks." Yeah, yeah. Precisely.
Coincidentally, I am playing something from the new album today.
I know. Let's talk about the new album.
The new album is out in May, is that right? It's in May.
I have the new album here, ladies and gentlemen.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Do you know what, I don't even have this.
You have a vinyl that I don't even have.
That's the new album. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That is... I think that's you on the cover. Yeah.
Very arty. That is the title of the album.
It's in keeping with the mathematical symbols.
This one is now, it's not Minus, this is Subtract.
Subtract, yeah. Subtract. OK.
How long are you gonna stick with the mathematical...?
You must be running out. No, this is it.
It was meant to be Plus, then Subtract,
but I kept pushing this one back just because it was, erm...
I dunno, in my mind,
Subtract was, like, this perfect acoustic album,
and I knew it was always gonna be lo-fi.
Ancl I guess that kind of scared me in a way
cos I wanted to make it perfect.
Ancl some stuff happened to me at the beginning of last year,
and I wrote this album whilst that was happening.
I put the other one to the side, and now this is Subtract.
It's kind of happened in, like, a backwards way.
You mentioned you've been through some stuff,
and everyone's going through stuff, we were talking before. Totally.
But I know you have been through
a lot of big, emotional things in your life,
and some of the tracks on the album are coloured by that,
informed by that, inspired by that. Totally.
Er, which ones do you feel comfortable talking about?
I know one was the far too young, a friend of yours died.
Yeah. Yeah, do you know, I feel like...
Ancl this is the one thing about having adult stuff happen to you,
is you realise that everyone else is going through
exactly the same thing,
and I didn't really talk to anyone about it.
It's only through doing, like, the Rolling Stone interview
and the documentary coming out that all the news is coming out,
and the amount of people that are coming out to me
who are going through the same thing.
Ancl you just never know what is going on in someone's clay.
You said before the show, I thought it was fascinating,
you were talking about how you felt sometimes on stage,
how alone you sometimes felt. Yeah.
And it wasn't till you had an interview with...
No, I watched Robbie Williams. He did, like, a documentary on TV.
And, you know, his rise to fame...
Obviously, he was in Take That, but his solo career,
I felt, was quite similar to me, just in terms of trajectory
and the venues that he was doing,
and what the albums were doing, and how big it got,
and how isolated it got, and how he had a problem with his weight,
and he had a problem with drugs, and he a problem with alcohol.
Ancl I was watching this thing being like, "Oh, man,
"he's gone through exactly what I've just gone through."
Ancl I emailed him, and I said,
"Your documentary made me feel less isolated."
Ancl he was like, "Ironically,
"that email just made me feel less isolated."
I think it's just good to talk about things,
not just pop star to pop star, but person to person.
Elton helped you out a lot, didn't he?
He helped Robbie out as well, didn't he? He helped Robbie out.
Well, Elton's just...
He's clone everything, hasn't he? Good and bad. So, like, he's...
LAUGHTER
He's someone with a wealth of experience.
No matter what you do, no matter how bad the thing is...
Elton's clone it. ..Elton probably did it first.
Innit, though? Probably in high heels.
LAUGHTER
innit, though? Yeah, it's true. Definitely.
But he's a wonderful man because he does share that to help people,
doesn't he? Totally.
Ancl normalises it. You know, he normalises these things.
And, yeah, I find Elton a fantastic person.
And, yeah, I'm honoured to be in his sphere.
Yeah. He's a lovely man.
Let's go back, if I may, go back to this young man who died,
cos I know how close you were, and he kind of helped your career.
His name was Jamal, wasn't it? Mm. Jamal Edwards, yeah.
He was very well-known online. Yeah.
And you'd known him since when? When did you first meet him?
When I first moved to London, really. We, er...
I was sort of like this struggling, up-and-coming musician,
wanting anyone to take me seriously,
and no-one was taking me seriously because I was, like, fat,
like, scraggly, ginger hair.
I had a tiny guitar, and I used to rap and beat box,
and everyone kind of saw me as a joke.
Ancl Jamal put me on his channel which, at the time, on YouTube...
Which, at the time, was, like, the coolest channel to be on.
And as soon as he put me on,
everything started to fall into place.
My manager found me, my record label started getting in touch.
I was living at his at the time. The first clay we met, I just...
I didn't have anywhere to live, and I just moved in at his,
and we just did all these, like...
I probably did 20 videos for him that year
of, like, different songs and stuff, and then it blew up.
We sort of just carried that on.
I mean, the clay that he passed away,
we were meant to be shooting a music video.
How old was he when he died? 31.
That's too young, isn't it? Mm.
And when was the last time before his death that you spoke to him?
Four hours, probably. Wow. Yeah.
Was it after his death,
was that what inspired you to go to therapy?
It was, like... It was a bunch of stuff.
My wife had a sort of health scare complication,
and then Jamal died,
and then I went straight into a court case,
and then I had another friend die whilst in the court case.
I just... I dunno, I've never really...
I've always had ups and downs in my career,
and I've always been...
It's the English thing, innit? just keep calm, carry on.
You don't talk about it. Yeah, and also, like, I dunno...
I feel like therapy in America is far more accepted,
whereas here, no-one really talks about it.
Ancl I just felt ashamed even thinking about going to do it.
Ancl then I...
We just had a really, really low three months,
and my wife talked me into going into therapy.
Ancl I started doing it, and I realise it's not like a button
you press where you're like, "I'm automatically OK."
But it definitely helps, and I would recommend
if anyone's having real lows.
Just speaking to someone who is paid to hear you out and normalise it,
and be like, "It's OK to think like that."
It's just good to talk.
Get it out and have someone listen to help make sense of it.
Totally. Cos before, I would just not talk to anyone,
I'd keep it all bottled up.
I think that's when you get lower and lower.
Well, it's a great thing to hear, isn't it?
Because it's a really useful thing. APPLAUSE
And in particular, I think, I know it sounds weird,
but young men in particular... Yeah.
...seem to bottle it up.
And so for a young man to tell other young men to do that,
I think is a very important thing.
So, the song you're doing tonight, Eyes Closed,
that's about Jamal, is it? Or is it inspired byjamal?
Yeah, no, it is.
We both lived in the same area of London and hung out a lot there,
and I found, after he passed away, everywhere I went,
I thought I'd see him
cos it was all the places that we always went to.
So, yeah, the song is essentially that.
And when you're performing a song like that,
which obviously has quite a deep meaning to you,
is it difficult to sing?
Is it somehow liberating to sing that?
Yeah, it's... Do you think of him when you're doing it?
It's different now it's out. I find songs are...
They're so personal when you write them,
and they belong to you.
Ancl the first time I ever played it...
I did a gig at Union Chapel,
I took everyone's phone away, and I played the gig.
And I cried when I was introducing it,
I cried during it, and I cried after it.
It's because the song still belonged to me,
it was still my story. But I find, like...
A song like Perfect is about my wife, and I've released it,
but no-one in this audience listens to Perfect
and goes, "It's about Ed's wife."
They listen to it and relate it to them.
I think it's about your wife. Well, thank you.
What's the best song on the album?
Er... Well, I think the second-to-last song,
it's called No Strings. OK.
Ancl it's, you know... I had a...
You know, 2022 was a year of lots of things happening
with me and my family.
Ancl I sort of said to my wife that if we can get through this,
like, if we get through 2022, it's a breeze from here.
Literally, anything can happen from here, and we're good.
So the song is... You know, the first lyrics are,
"If we make it through this year, nothing will break us."
Ancl then the chorus is, "This is no strings,
"you're who I love, that won't change.
"When we're falling apart, it's just growing pains."
I love how much you love your wife.
CHUCKLES AS BORAT: My wife.
LAUGHTER
Let me... I've got a quote. In that Rolling Stone...
There's a big interview about Ed in Rolling Stone magazine.
It's a very good interview, I think.
It's very thorough, and you come out very well, of course.
But there's a quote from your wife,
talking about you having the baby, the new baby,
and she said, "Babies love Ed because he's got an unusual face."
LAUGHTER
OK, on the one hand, I know what she's saying,
but on the other hand, it's a bit of a diss.
LAUGHTER I'm under no illusion, though.
Like, no-one's buying my records because of the way I look.
You look good now you're working out 17 hours a day. Thank you.
But I still have an unusual face. It's not unusual, Ed.
Well, no-one else has it.
Yes, it's uniquely yours.
No, you've grown into your face, is what I'm saying.
Thank you. You've seen it over the years.
I've seen you grow up.
When you were a young man, yeah, you were weird.
But now you're... When I first came...
I first came on here 11 years ago.
You were definitely more ginger back then.
Yeah, I think my hair's going white, I really do.
It's going, like, blonde-ish.
I've got grey in my beard, which is why I shave it.
Ed, I'm gonna ask you a hard-hitting question. Yeah.
So get ready for this. If I go too far, tell me.
I have read that when you're on stage singing a ballad...
Oh, God. I know what you're gonna say.
Is it true?
Well, actually, you say it first.
LAUGHTER
You've got a lot of ballads. Yeah.
And people love to hear you singin' 'em.
Sol don't wanna spoil them for people. Yeah.
But I have been informed that when you do sing
a ballad in particular on stage,
you often expel wind.
It's not often. It's just, like, sometimes.
You know, you're standing still for four minutes,
and I've been holding it in.
You're out in the open.
No, but it's mad, the things that you think about.
Lily and Michael'll say this, but when you're on stage,
sometimes, your mind just wanders,
and you can just think about the most random things.
I sometimes cut out the second verse of Thinking Out Loud cos I'm like...
"Oh, I wonder if the next season of Succession is out
"at the moment."
Honestly, you get in a trance of singing the song.
I was in New Zealand, and I forgot the lyrics to Galway Girl,
and I just had a complete mind blank on it
cos then I was like, "What are the lyrics?"
Ancl I got a little girl from the audience to come up and finish it,
which was actually a really cool moment.
Then she came up, I said, "Who can sing the song?"
She went, "Me! Me! Me!"
I brought her up, and the moment she got on stage,
she was like, "I don't know the lyrics."
LAUGHTER
Ed's gonna stick with us, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna have another whole chunk with Ed,
and then he's gonna get ready to perform for you live
at the end of the show, which is great!
So stick around and don't go anywhere
because, in a few moments,
we'll be joined by Lily Allen and Michael Buble.
See you after the break. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guests out.
She is a singer who is now getting rave reviews for her acting,
and he is a multi-platinum selling artist.
It's the brilliant Lily Allen and Michael Buble.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look amazing.
Hollywood glamour. Come on in.
Michael, good to see you again.
Come on in, come on in. Sit down here.
Come on and grab a seat.
How are you, guys? Good.
Lily, lovely to have you back on the show. Thank you.
Michael, how lovely to see you again as well.
I am so happy to be here.
Michael, you know Ed a little bit. Are you a fan of Ed and Lily's work?
Yeah...
LAUGHTER
No, no, no, I mean, there's...
Yesterday, this is not a lie,
my kid was playing Guitar Hero or something.
He's 10, and he goes,
"HeY, POPPY, P°PPY-" And he's playing.
And he goes, "Do you know this?"
# Bad habits
# La la... going alone
# This information that was... #
And I go like, "I know this song! That's my buddy Ed Sheeran."
And he goes, "Poppy, why don't you write music like that?"
LAUGHTER
And that's the truth!
And in my head, I think...
HE MOUTHS
That stupid kid!
You have that Game Boy because of the great shit that I'm writing!
LAUGHTER
And you! You bring me so much joy.
Oh, thank you.
Because I live part-time in Argentina.
So half in Canada, and Argentina.
Argentina, obviously, we don't speak English.
That's not the first language. It's Spanish.
And there's a very popular television show, like, a big one,
and it's on at night,
called Lanata, and...
But kids are up late, and they watch it.
And I love it, because your song is the theme song.
No way! They don't know because it doesn't mean anything to them,
but it means something to me cos I speak English.
And you've got to see... Cos the thing starts...
Have you got the clip of it?
No, but you're sitting there, watching the opening of the thing,
and there's kids, and all the kids are watching,
and they're going...
# Fuck you!
# Fuck you very, very much! #
LAUGHTER
And to them, it could be the goddamn Muppet Show.
But to me, I'm going,
"They're saying fuck you."
Did you know that? I did not know that.
You don't know about that? Oh, and it plays every night.
Wow, where are my royalties?!
LAUGHTER
You are so rich in pesos. You have no idea.
It's lovely to see Lily.
Isn't it lovely to see Lily back in the UK?
APPLAUSE I know you've been away for a while.
Last time I saw you on stage,
you've kind of moved more into acting now,
I guess that would be more of your kind of primary thing right now?
Yeah. But before we talk about that,
you performed at Glastonbury last year?
I did, yes, with Olivia Rodrigo.
So, what happened? How did that come about?
Well, I have two daughters, Ethel and Marnie.
Ethel, who is my oldest, was sitting next to me at home one evening
when I got an email from somebody that I sort of used to know,
and she said, "I'm working with Olivia Rodrigo,
"would you like to perform with her at Glastonbury?"
Ancl Ethel was looking over my shoulder, she was like,
"If you don't do that...
"I will never talk to you ever again."
So I said, "No."
No, I'm joking.
No. And, yeah, so I said, "Yeah, of course, I would love to do that."
So, how was it getting back on stage?
Being back at Glastonbury, here in the UK?
And presumably your daughters are in the audience watching you as well?
Yeah, they came. I mean, it was...
I don't know what they were expecting.
I think they thought maybe
I was gonna be singing, like, back-up or something.
APPLAUSE And it was...
I was really, really nervous
because I haven't clone it for a long time.
I haven't clone it sober.
And, erm... LAUGHTER
Ancl I don't really know what I was expecting.
I kind of was slightly expecting her to introduce me,
and people be like, "What? Who?"
But it wasn't like that. It was really, really amazing.
People went absolutely ballistic.
Ancl so I was really, really overwhelmed.
But my kids were just, like,
"What is going on?" Because they...
You know, Olivia Rodrigo is like their idol. Yeah.
Ancl they couldn't really get their heads around the fact
that people were kind of screaming even louder for me
than they were for her at some points.
That must have been amazing. They were just very, very confused.
We got off stage, and they didn't really want to talk to me.
They were a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.
Ancl then we got in the car on the way back,
Marnie looked at me, and she went,
"So...
"..were you kind of popular, then?"
LAUGHTER
I was like, "Yeah."
She was like, "What, like in the charts?"
"Yes ! I"
But that's nice. It means you haven't been forcing it on them.
You haven't been making them dance around and listen to your stuff.
Absolutely not. Lily Allen is banned in our house.
Really? That must be difficult for you.
But you don't play your own music, then? Absolutely not.
Why not? The only time I ever really played my own music
is when I was, like, drunk and high, and wanted to tell all my friends,
like, "Listen to this really great song that I've just written."
Buble's kids are begging him to stop playing his albums.
LAUGHTER
I mean, I listen to lots of Buble.
I listen to both of you when I'm drunk and high.
LAUGHTER
That's what I do. That's my thing.
LAUGHTER
Michael, and I'm pleased to say,
he's back here because he will be touring here again soon.
Michael Buble, back in the UK, touring.
The tour is called Higher.
And I know you love it here. You must like...
I know you like the country, but you must like playing for UK audiences?
Yeah, I love them. Great people. I mean, you're my people.
And I get to be this, me.
I don't have to pretend and...
I don't have to be careful or politically correct.
You know what I mean? I don't. You guys are amazing.
I mean, just a little bit now. Hang on.
LAUGHTER
You do?! You do, yeah.
A little bit. Really? Is that true?
A bit more than when you were last here, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I didn't realise that.
Michael, don't stop being you.
We want to see you get cancel led, and then get uncancelled again.
LAUGHTER
We want to go on that journey with you.
No, we don't!
OK, so look...
You've all got big fan bases.
And I know some of the fans are somewhat...
Obsessive's the wrong word. But very devoted.
Erm... and some of them often want to share their devotion
via the art form of tattoos.
We have one of Lily up here... Oh, look at that.
...on the back of someone's leg. Oh, wow.
You look great there, too.
Have you ever had anyone show you a tattoo of themselves?
Come up and say, "I've got you on my body."
Yeah, I think so. Outside of gigs and stuff, people have said...
And how do you respond to that?
Erm, you know...
LAUGHTER "That's great!"
Ed, quite a few people have tattoos of you.
Have you seen many of them? This is great.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
I like it. It's minimal. Minimal.
It captures a certain essence. I think that's early in your career.
It kind of looks almost anime. Yeah.
It looks a little like Elton john with a ginger wig on.
OK, and now we have Michael.
Because one fan in particular, I know, had a weird tattoo
they showed you at a gig, didn't they? Yeah.
And it was a really cute young girl. I was like, "This is so cool."
She was like, "Oh!" And she had a tattoo.
So I went over cos it was like, "This is cool."
You know, maybe I'll do a picture with her.
I have the photo it was based on.
Oh, for God's sake. You do, huh?
Where was the photograph taken? The photo was taken at Disneyland.
OK. It was taken at Disneyland!
And just so you know, I was with my godson,
and he was in this thing, and there was butter everywhere,
I tried to clean up the butter.
This asshole paparazzi had followed me all day,
waiting for that shot.
OK, here's the shot of Michael that inspired a fan.
This is him at Disney World. There you go.
LAUGHTER
OK, that's...
LAUGHTER
OK, OK. I love it.
I will never unlive this!
I mean... That's great.
Is it weird to be turned on by a picture?
Some technique.
And then this is the tattoo on a young woman's body.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's so good.
Wow! Michael, wow.
Agh! I got four children!
What do you say...? What do you say to your kids?
What is it? It's corn.
Doesn't everybody eat their corn like that?
LAUGHTER
Lily, great to have you back. You don't live here any more, do you?
You live in New York City?
I am, yeah, spending lots of time in New York.
And how is that? Do you enjoy it?
Do people know you there as much as they know you here?
Do you get recognised much?
No, not really.
I mean, it's... It's nice.
I kind of have a lot of anonymity there that I don't have here.
Ancl I think it's really good for my kids. They enjoy that.
Although, I did marry someone really famous,
and now they just have a famous stepdad.
Well, we should mention,
of course, you're married to David Harbour... Yes.
...who's an amazing actor.
APPLAUSE An amazing star.
So much charisma.
He was in Stranger Things. Amazing in Stranger Things.
Amazing in the Black Widow movie as well. He's so good in that.
I met him downstairs earlier. Yeah.
I felt sexually attracted to him.
LAUGHTER
He's giving off a lot of energy, isn't he?
He is very sexy, yeah. Yeah.
So people presumably know him more than you out there?
Yes, very much so.
How did you meet him?
On a dating app. OK. Called Raya.
So you met online? You were doing dating apps?
I was doing... Well, it was the first time
that I'd been on this dating app.
At least, that's what I've told him. No, I'm joking.
Yeah, the first time I'd been on this dating app,
I was on holiday with a friend of mine in Italy.
Ancl he was on the same dating app. So I sort of joined it.
Ancl yeah, I was sort of scrolling through,
and landed on David's profile and pressed "accept".
But I... I didn't know who he was. I just thought...
I thought he was just, like...
I thought he was just, like, a sexy policeman from...
LAUGHTER
From a reality TV show or something.
Because it's a bit of a celebrity app.
So you're not really on there unless you're a little bit famous.
But I didn't... He was wearing a policeman's uniform.
The policeman's uniform he wears in Stranger Things?
Yes, it was a stills picture from him in Stranger Things.
But I've never seen Stranger Things.
So you thought he was just a reality show cop?
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I thought, "Yeah, that's a bit of me." Wow.
LAUGHTER
Michael, how did you meet your wife?
She thought I was gay. OK? Is that what you want to know?
LAUGHTER She thought I was gay because I...
She saw what you were doing with the corn.
LAUGHTER
No, she...
So, I played a show, and she came into the restaurant after,
and they said, "Would you take a picture
"with one of our most famous actors?"
And I said... I'm just drunk. I said, "No, I'm not really..."
And then it was her. And I'd remembered her from the show.
I said, "Oh, my God."
So she walked in, like, she blew me away.
She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Still in my life.
And she came in with her co-star.
And the co-star, he truly made Brad Pitt look like a pig.
LAUGHTER
And I assumed they were together.
So I'm not a rude guy. I'm a gentleman.
And because of courtesy, I literally didn't even...
I said, "Hello, it's nice to meet you" to her.
And then I spoke to him. He could speak English, she couldn't.
I tried to figure out if they were together. I was getting hammered.
And by the end of it, I was going, like...
SLURRING: "Your arms are bigger than my legs."
And she didn't speak English!
And then I said, "How long have you been together?"
Trying to figure it out.
And he said, "No, we are not... We are not together.
"Actually, I think she like you."
I said, "What?! I have a chance?"
But I didn't know, at the same time, she was texting her mom saying,
"Yeah, I come to meet Michael Buble, but he is so gay."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, it's turned out well. It's turned out well.
Before we... Before we go to the break,
I feel I should ask Ed, how did you meet Cherry?
Where did you meet? High school.
So you were high school sweethearts?
Er... No, we were friends in high school,
and then we hooked up later.
That's lovely.
Am I allowed to say this?
Just... I mean, it's nothing bad.
Hold it, if you're asking permission, I'm worried.
I felt it was one of the most sweet and wonderful romantic things.
I've talked to my wife about it.
We're hanging one day, this is years ago...
We were in Vancouver. I was like, "Oh, what's your plan?"
He was like, "Dude, I am so crazy about this woman,
"I am so in love, and that's it."
And he goes, "I wanna ask her to marry me,
"I wanna have kids, I wanna take some time off."
I was listening to him, and I was like, "Hmm-mm", thinking...
He did it. He did exactly what he said he was gonna do.
And to this day, I was always like, "Dude, that's pretty fantastic."
That was your plan, you did it, it's real.
What a dude. Thanks, man.
APPLAUSE
We've got so much more to talk about.
We're gonna take a quick break now.
And we're gonna be joined afterwards by Desiree Burch.
So don't go away.
APPLAUSE
OK, welcome back to the show, everybody.
I'm still here with Lily Allen, Michael Buble and Ed Sheeran,
but let's get my next guest out.
It is the award-winning and very funny comedian, Desiree Burch.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, girl, you're following me round.
So fancy, yes. Desiree, great to have you here.
It's so lovely to be back. Thank you.
So, I know you've met these guys backstage. Yes.
You've been over here for quite a while.
Of course, she's American, you might have worked out already.
You moved over here, when, was it? Uh, eight years ago, in 2014.
2014. So, yes.
I've seen this country through Brexit and Trump. Wow.
Yeah. Yes. Wow.
I know, you were relying on me this entire time.
LAUGHTER
You know, I've liked you for a long while, as you know,
and I've had you on before. I love your comedy,
but I didn't realise you were doing...
I hope everyone watches, too.
On Netflix, you can see a show - Too Hot To Handle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Nice. Don't know if you guys have seen it.
It's a kind of dating show
with very conventionally attractive young people,
who are all quite horny, I believe.
Yes. Well, I mean,
aren't all conventionally attractive people?
I mean, I don't want to prejudge, but I just say that because,
you know, beauty is a currency,
and these people are rich with it, right? And if you had...
If you woke up, if everybody woke up tomorrow,
and you were an 11 out of 10,
would you not abuse the hell out of that?
Immediately! LAUGHTER
The whole point of it is they're not allowed to have sex,
and then you make situations
where you know they're not gonna be able to stop themselves
because they are... They are he': up.
Yeah, it's like we put them, like a puppy in bed with a steak.
And then we're like... "Hey, don't break any rules, guys.
"We're counting on you."
And you have them rubbing up against each other.
SHE LAUGHS Yes.
It's like... It's gonna happen,
and then they get penalised for it. Yes.
There's this pot of money that they're all playing for, presumably,
if they can just not kiss or have sex,
or do any kind of inappropriate touching,
which, of course, is impossible,
and that's the whole premise of the show.
Just watching them fail gloriously. It's delightful.
Have you ever done a reality show, Lily? Would you do a reality show?
Erm, I don't think I have. No.
I mean, you know, never say never. Have you been asked?
Yes. Which one?
Oh! Er...
I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
That would be great to see you in that.
LAUGHTER "For everyone but me."
LAUGHTER
I bet Strictly must have asked you. Oh, yeah.
Er, maybe. I don't... I can't remember.
I just remember the money was quite good for I'm A Celebrity.
It took quite a lot for me to turn it down.
Did one of your friends just go, "You're going to eat a testicle?"
Ancl you were like, "OK, fine." I don't really mind about that.
LAUGHTER
Michael, have you ever done a reality show?
You must've been asked to do the ones in the states.
No. They would... No. I'm a huge...
I'm a huge star. Why would they...?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Yes. Yes. That's the best answer.
Ed, come on, you must have been asked.
Yeah, I got asked to do Strictly after... When I did...
I learned how to dance for the Thinking Out Loud music video.
And then they said, "Would you do Strictly?"
I would actually...
The one I would do is probably I'm A Celebrity.
You would do I'm A Celebrity? It looks quite fun.
CHEERING
Oh, wow. Let's do it.
Genuinely, it looks quite fun.
Would you do it together? Sure.
There are TV executives losing their shit right now.
LAUGHTER
I do like the idea of it.
It's a great show, and imagine,
you get to spend a lot of time with Matt Hancock.
Have you seen...? LAUGHTER
My brother sent me this reaction video.
There's a show on... I think it's on TLC in America,
and I'm not gonna say the title yet, but it's basically ten mums. Yep.
LAUGHTER Know it.
Ancl they come onto the show, and they're like,
"We're looking for love, and we can't wait,"
and then their sons are the ones on the show.
Ancl then all the sons hook up with all the mums,
and it's called Milf Manor,
and it's genuinely... AUDIENCE GROANS
...this is on TV. You can watch it on normal TV.
It's mad, isn't it?
Have you watched it? It's huge.
It's amazing.
'W35 gonna 53V, YOU guys are pretty Judgy Mcjudgerson.
I've seen some of the shit you've got on television.
LAUGHTER Naked Attraction.
Naked Attraction, I couldn't...
LAUGHTER What I love about Naked Attraction
is at the end, they're like, "So, what do you do?"
And they're like, "Yeah, I teach in a primary school."
LAUGHTER
Well, I can reveal here
Michael Buble has agreed to do Naked Attraction.
LAUGHTER
We're gonna see that happening.
Can you imagine? There will be one clay
a Celebrity Naked Attraction. There just will be.
How bad would it be if you got eliminated,
like, second, you know what I mean?
Ancl it's like, "Oh, and it's Michael Buble."
They nickname you Tiny Bubbles or something.
LAUGHTER
Would be terrible.
I want you guys to stay, we're gonna carry on chatting.
We're gonna send Ed to get ready for his performance.
Ed, thank you so much for joining us on the couch.
We'll see you in a few minutes. Ed Sheeran, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He'll be singing at the end of the show. OK.
He is really eager to get to Milf Manor.
LAUGHTER Milf Manor does sound incredible.
Well, while we're on the subject of TV,
I want to recommend a great new show that hasn't started yet,
and I have been lucky enough to be sent advance copies of all of them,
which is starring Lily Allen, and it is called Dreamland.
Lily, congratulations. Set up the premise.
What is Dreamland about for those who haven't seen it?
Cos only I am ahead of the game.
It's a sort of six-part series for Sky.
And it is about a sort of dysfunctional family
of predominantly women,
I think there's four sisters, a mum and a grandma,
and one of them is pregnant,
and then another one finds out that she's pregnant,
and there's a sort of twist about the two pregnancies,
and, yeah, chaos ensues.
I haven't got to the twist yet. I didn't know there was a twist.
What do you mean? You told me you watched the whole thing.
No, I said I've GOT all the thing. I watched the first two.
Oh, OK. Thanks for spoiling it for me (!)
I just said there is a twist. OK, there's a twist.
Of course there's a twist. There's six episodes.
They're just like,
"And everybody got along and hugged each other, the end."
Well... No, it gets very, very dark.
Well, you know, it's very funny,
the characters are great cos initially, your character,
she's a bit of a nuisance, isn't she?
Yes, it was very hard for me to tap into that.
LAUGHTER We'll show you a clip.
This is Dreamland, it starts Thursday on Sky Atlantic and Now.
Come on, girls. Chop chop.
CHEERING Where am I?
You're in Margate, babes.
Ma rgate!
Out of the way!
Hi.
Mel!
Can you take your shoes off, please? They look manky.
None of you want me here. I don't understand why you're back.
Are you all right?
There's a baby in there.
A what?
What am I gonna do?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Great fun.
It zips along.
OK, Desiree.
Here's an interesting thing about Desiree you might not know.
You're an officially ordained minister.
I am, yes.
You can, and I believe you have, conducted marriage ceremonies.
I have, I have married five separate couples. Wow.
These are my friends Jake and Rafael a.
Nice. I did that in 2021.
So, that was my most recent one.
But, yeah, it's amazing to go and sign the big book at City Hall
and see all these cute couples in, like, New York Knicks hats,
like, getting married with their... It's just the sweetest thing.
It sounds delightful. Yeah.
It's wonderful to be a part of somebody's...
Someone's fabric, their glue, you know.
When did you get married? When did you get married to David?
It was... Vegas in...
SHE LAUGHS Er...
I think three years ago. It's been a blur...
We'll have been married three years this year.
So, a Vegas wedding. What was your Vegas wedding like?
Er... I mean, quite traditional, I think,
in the sense that it was, yeah, an Elvis married us.
Perfect. LAUGHTER
Did you say, "I do," or... ELVIS VOICE: .."Uh-huh"?
LAUGHTER
Desiree, what are you doing next?
You're still doing the voice-over for Too Hot To Handle.
Yes, yes. You're touring, is that right?
Right now, I'm at home with my man, having a good time.
"What's up with you?" I'm like, I'm being in love and enjoying it.
It's great. APPLAUSE
I'm really pleased to hear that. Thank you.
OK, we're gonna take a break,
but don't go away because afterwards,
Ed Sheeran will be performing right here in the studio,
and I will be talking to Russell Crowe in Australia.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show.
Before we meet my next guest, we're going to go to Australia,
which, of course, is where he is right now,
you must have toured Australia.
You've been to Australia, Lily?
Yeah, I go to Australia quite a lot. Why do you go so often?
It's my second biggest territory after the UK in singing.
Although, last time I went there, something...
Well, I was walking down the street after a gig
about three o'clock in the morning, and I was with a friend of mine,
and some really drunk girl came up to me, and she went...
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: .."You look really like Lily Allen, no of fence."
LAUGHTER
DESIREE: Aw...
So, let's go over now to our friend. He's at home in Australia.
It's very early in the morning, so we appreciate him making time.
It is, of course, Mr Russell Crowe, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, Russell. How you doing? Morning.
Presumably, where you are, there must be, as the sun rises,
there'll be wildlife. Will you hear the call of the kangaroo? Yeah, man.
"The call of the kangaroo."
No, there's a lot of wallabies around here that live in the trees.
Kangaroos actually prefer sort of big, open grassy plains,
but here, this morning, there'll be sulphur-crested cockatoos,
yellow-tailed black cockatoos, parakeets, rosellas,
king parrots, kookaburra, of course.
Just... It'll go off in a minute. Wow!
Next time, we should join you so we can hear the birds.
LAUGHTER
Well, we could have set it up outside and watched the sun come up.
No. Too late now. Next time, will you suggest that, please?
LAUGHTER Well, I would have thought,
you know, you would have come up with that idea yourself, but...
You wanted soundproofing, nice lighting,
a slight religious touch there.
LAUGHTER
OK, I was specific. We've clone the work for you, Jonathan.
Yes, thank you, Russell.
I know I think I know quite a lot about Russell Crowe.
I've been a fan for years, ever since I saw him
in a film called Romper Stomper, very early in his career.
But I didn't know this about you. Is this true,
that you have a collection of Royal Coronation teacups?
I do. LAUGHTER
And will you buy...?
I collect stuff, man. It's not the biggest of a thing, you know...
I've got paintings and lots of things.
I just... For whatever reason, it's just a part of my DNA.
I like to hunt around and look for things
and put collections together, I don't why.
Russell, I imagine they're for display rather than use
because as you waved your hands, I noticed your fingers are...
I would describe them as chunky, so I imagine...
DESIREE: They're big-boned.
All the better to smack your chops with Jonny, so be careful, son.
Don't get all Maximus on me. All right? I'm just chatting.
It wouldn't take Maximus to deal with you, Jonathan Ross.
LAUGHTER
Russell has a new film out, ladies and gentlemen.
Always a cause for celebration.
This time, it's called The Pope's Exorcist.
I saw it, I loved it. It's a great...
It's a horror film with a real kind of depth to it,
When you hear the title, you think it sounds like a wild premise,
but it's based somewhat on truth, isn't it?
There was a man who actually held that position.
Well, yeah, the job was called Chief Exorcist for the Vatican,
and when I first read that in the script, I just thought,
you know, some Hollywood writer had come up with a snappy job title,
and I thought "That's cool,"
but then when I looked into it, it's actually a real thing,
and this fella, Gabriele Amorth,
you know, he was in that job for 36 years.
OK, let's have a look at the clip.
As I said, this is The Pope's Exorcist.
It's great fun, very exciting,
and at times, scary supernatural thriller.
It's out in cinemas on the 7th of April. Take a look at this.
Take caution. There are secrets buried there.
It's the Vatican seal.
The church has fought against this demon before.
The Vatican covered it up. We need to find out why.
DEMONIC VOICE: You've been played. You took the bait.
Whatever you do, you only do because God allows it.
SCREAMING
CHOKING
Did he allow that?
Imagine what could happen
if the devil possessed the soul of the Pope's exorcist.
Who will defend you?
There you go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Russell Crowe, starring in The Pope's Exorcist.
In cinemas everywhere from the 7th of April.
Russell, we've got Ed Sheeran on the show.
He's gone backstage, he'll be performing.
But you met up with him recently, didn't you?
Yes, well, you know,
me and Teddy boy have known each other for a while now,
and recently had the great fun of being able to catch up.
I was shooting in Melbourne, and he was in Melbourne.
He had a Saturday night off, right?
Very rare, as Michael'll attest, in the business of being a singer,
you get a Saturday night off on tour.
So, Ed and I, as you do, went to see Snoop Dogg, and...
LAUGHTER
...took my 16-year-old son,
and that just gave me massive Dad points,
and we hung out backstage with Mr Dogg
and had a great deal of fun.
He's a very cool man. I've known him for a couple of decades now,
and so I had a really nice little catch-up with Ed lately, recently.
I'm sure you enjoyed the music, seeing Mr Dogg.
Did you enjoy the herbs? LAUGHTER
Well, I always enjoy, uh, Snoop's company, and...
LAUGHTER
...he is a very, very, pleasant conversationalist,
and he's a good family man.
LAUGHTER I'm sure he is.
That's the most elegant answer I think I've seen anyone give.
There have been... There's been talk about Ridley Scott
returning to the world of Gladiator with Gladiator 2.
I don't want to spoil it for people, but the end of the first movie,
which was a magnificent piece of cinema, of course,
makes it somewhat difficult for you to be back as Maximus.
LAUGHTER
But, in the world of cinema and fictional characters,
not entirely impossible.
Your name has been mentioned. I read a few things.
Have they approached you? Do you know anything?
Are you going to be in Gladiator 2?
Look, I've had a couple of dinners and stuff with Ridley
since he embarked on this, and, you know,
we don't really talk about...
We haven't really talked about what it is that he's doing,
but, no, I'm not involved.
Maximus has departed the world.
I mean, I'm sad to hear that, but in a way, I love the film so much,
it would be something of a cheat if they brought him back, wouldn't it?
So it kinda makes that piece of work stay solid.
Yeah, well when we first made it, because it was so successful,
there was a whole bunch of enthusiasm about us doing a sequel,
you know, and one guy actually called me and said...
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: .."I got it, got the idea.
"OK, so, here's what happens, you know.
"New movie opens, OK? Couple of clays have gone past,
"maybe three clays have gone past, right?
"Juba and a bunch of other, like, gladiator guys,
"they go up to this big rock, they grab this rock,
"and they just pull this rock,
"they open this rock, and there you are!
"You know, you've had herbs and shit put on you,
"you're coming out of the cave, and you're OK!"
LAUGHTER
Ancl I said to the bloke, I said,
"I'm not sure you can get the rights for that book, son."
LAUGHTER
Russell, it's always a pleasure to spend time in your company,
even remotely. Thank you so much for talking to us today.
Lovely to see you. Russell Crowe, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cheers, Jonathan.
CROWD WH ISTLES
Russell is lovely, isn't he? Yes. Yeah.
Before we move on to Ed, I want to ask one thing
because we've been talking a lot about families,
and I know I was talking to you backstage about your son.
I think it's your elder son. ls Noah your elder son? Yes, sir.
You were telling me about some music,
and you said you'd share clip with us which we can show of him...
He'd learnt to play one of your songs while you were away?
I came back from the tour, and my wife said,
"Babe, wait till you see this," and I said, "OK, go ahead. What?"
She says, "Stand by the piano and watch what he does,"
and this is what he did.
And, by the way, I am genuinely in deep shock.
So, you came back, this was a surprise? You didn't know.
Coming home from tour.
Have a look, this is rather lovely. You'll enjoy this.
PIANO PLAYING
# And every time My hand reaches for yours... #
Dude!
# I feel the hesitation
# I'm sure that you're not sure
# Every time your lips Are kissing mine... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's so special. How lovely.
What a lovely young man.
You know, it's emotional for me because that kid is my hero,
and we've been through a lot, and more than that, I just...
I'm just so glad that I don't wear shorts like that.
LAUGHTER
Well, I think on that note, we're going to wrap up the show.
Will you join me in saying thank you to all my guests tonight.
Thank you to Michael Buble, the fabulous Lily Allen,
Desiree Burch, Mr Russell Crowe,
and, of course, the young man who's gonna sing for us in a minute,
Ed Sheeran.
We will be back next week.
On the program me, john Legend will be here,
Jeff Goldblum, Shirley Ballas, jack Whitehall and Lee Mack.
But now, with Eyes Closed, it is the phenomenal Ed Sheeran!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'Eyes Closed' by Ed Sheeran
# Know it's a bad idea
# But how can I help myself?
# Inside for most this year
# Ancl I thought a few drinks They might help
# It's been a while, my clear
# Dealing with the cards life dealt
# I'm still holding back these tears
# While my friends Are somewhere else
# I pictured this year A little bit different
# When it hit February
# I step in the bar It hit me so hard
# Oh, how can it be this heavy?
# Every song reminds me you're gone
# Ancl I feel the lump form In my throat
# Cos I'm here alone
# just dancing with my eyes closed
# Cos everywhere I look I still see you
# Time is moving so slow
# Ancl I don't know what else That I can do
# So I'll keep dancing with my
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
closed
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
# Oh, I keep dancing with my
# Delusion is here again
# Ancl I think you'll come home soon
# A word brings me right back in
# Then it's only me That's in this room
# I guess I could just pretend
# The colours are more than blue
# But I lost more than my friend
# I can't help but missing you
# I pictured this month A little bit different
# No-one is ever ready
# Ancl when it unfolds You get in a hole
# Oh, how can it be this heavy?
# Everything changes Nothing's the same
# Except the truth is Now you're gone
# And fife 'gust goes on
# So I'm dancing with my eyes closed
# Cos everywhere I look I still see you
# Time is moving so slow
# Ancl I don't know what else That I can do
# So I keep dancing with my
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
closed
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
# Oh, I keep dancing with my
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
closed
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
# Oh, I keep dancing with my
# They're shutting the bar They're cleaning the floor
# Ancl everyone is already home
# But I'm on my own
# Still dancing with my eyes closed
# Cos everywhere I look I still see you
# Time, it's moving so slow
# Ancl I don't know what else That I can do
# So I'll keep dancing with my
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
closed
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
# I keep dancing with my
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
closed
# Eye-eye-eye-eyes
# Oh, I keep dancing with my. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com