CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you for joining us at home.
That's very lovely. Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
Now, normally, if you watch the programme,
I start the programme with a few jokes,
maybe a couple of clips.
But we've got such a packed show tonight,
full of so many great guests,
that we're just gonna get straight on with it.
So let me tell you that later on,
we'll be joined by Hollywood legend Jeff Goldblum,
and Mr Jack Whitehall's in the house, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
But first, we're gonna start with a multi-platinum selling singer,
along with the Queen of Strictly
and one of the quickest comedians around,
it's John Legend, Shirley Ballas and Lee Mack!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Looking so good, John. Sit down.
Shirley, looking amazing.
In the back.
You were in the back.
You're in the front now.
Here we are.
How great to have you all here. Thank you for being here.
John is over in the UK
doing a couple of gigs, a couple of very special gigs.
But also, I guess... Are you travelling with your family?
Do you bring them with you? My family's with me.
It's spring break for our kids,
and so, we're just travelling together.
We flew... Our baby flew for the very first time.
Yeah, because since you were last on the show, you've had a new baby.
How old is she? She's just two months old.
Two months old! Yeah.
Already getting frequent flyer miles.
Yes, this is her first... That moment there, in America,
that would have got a round of applause, wouldn't it?
LAUGHTER In Britain, it's like...
"You had a baby. Dunno."
How is having a two-month-old on a long flight like that?
She was pretty well-behaved, honestly.
We couldn't have asked for much better.
She was crying right at the beginning,
and there was another gentleman in first class with us,
and... and I was like,
"I'm sorry in advance, you know, we have a baby here."
She behaved herself once we got going,
and we found out he has a four-month-old as well,
so he was used to it.
He understood your pain. He understood.
And so how are the other two getting on?
Because you have Luna and Miles. Luna and Miles.
Luna is almost seven, she'll be seven next week,
and then Miles will be five in May. There they are.
There they are. They have been such good older siblings.
I was worried because they seemed
kind of jealous while Mummy was pregnant,
and, like, they were, like, jockeying for position,
making sure this new baby didn't come and take over from them.
But since she's come out, they've been so good,
they've been competing to see who will be the best older sibling. Wow.
They are beautiful children. Thank you.
Mine are monsters! LAUGHTER
Stop it, stop it. Absolute monsters.
But that's because, I mean, let's look at John...
And look at you.
Wow. No disrespect meant.
No disrespect.
No disrespect meant? This is science.
I'm not looking forward to when you mean the disrespect.
LAUGHTER
Before we move on, talking about your family,
it's coming up, this year is your tenth wedding anniversary.
Yes, it's our tenth wedding anniversary,
and we're gonna go back to where it all started.
We got married at Lake Como, we're gonna go back there
and celebrate our tenth anniversary.
We also put out All Of Me, my big, romantic wedding song. Yeah.
We put out the song that year. That was ten years ago as well?
That was ten years ago as well,
so it's the tenth anniversary of All Of Me,
and the first time I sang it live was at our wedding.
Oh, wow. That's amazing. AUDIENCE: Aw!
Again, no claps.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER We gotta get our crowd vibe...
Welcome to the United Kingdom!
CHEERING
Have you sung that at many other weddings?
Do you do that for people?
I haven't sung at a lot of weddings. Occasionally.
I'm kind of expensive to book.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
But, you know, I sang it at ours,
and I've sang it at a few since then,
and it's been played at a lot of weddings. It certainly has.
And I imagine it's been made when people are having intercourse.
LAUGHTER Probably.
I would have thought...
I have other songs that are a little more, you know.
Yeah. This is more earnest and romantic,
and then I have other songs that are more...
More sexy. ..for the bedroom.
Lee, what's your go-to having sex track?
Well, for me... What's your go-to John Legend song?
I'm actually often on my own when I do it, so...
so my song is All Of Me Loves All Of Me.
LAUGHTER That's good, that's good.
And I mean ALL of me. All of you.
I won't ask you, Shirley. Why not?
I will do, if you want.
What do you listen to when you're doing the banga-banga?
Ooh, I Will Survive, darling.
There's no other song than that one.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
So, Shirley, you've just been on the big Strictly tour.
I have. Which I know is huge. Congratulations. What a great...
It must be a great experience because it's such a popular show.
Well, it was an amazing experience
because Anton Du Beke was on it this time,
who I've known for over 35 years. Yeah.
And that man is so funny.
Actually comes across as the perfect gentleman,
but he's very naughty behind the scenes.
Give us an example. What do you mean by that?
Well, he came to my room, we were gonna eat,
and he was picking me up after we'd eaten,
and I had my big girl Marks & Sp...
My big girl Marks & Spencer's knickers out.
I had several pairs.
And the next thing I know, we're on set,
and he pulled them out of his top pocket
and started to wipe his head, in the middle of the show.
So, that's the kind of thing that Anton Du Beke gets up to.
Shirley, how do you know...? Good job they were clean, eh?
LAUGHTER Just saying.
I was gonna ask, "How do you know they weren't his?"
But I think yours was better. Don't go there.
We have a clip of you two dancing on stage,
and he tried something with you which I guess you haven't done
for a while, would I be right in saying?
I've never done it at all, to be quite honest.
Never done this before? No, it started off as a dare
at the beginning of the tour, and then one day, I said to Anton,
"You fancy doing it, babe?"
Shall we just show it? Yeah, show it.
OK, so this is Anton doing something to Shirley for the very first time.
LAUGHTER
Up you go!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So, Shirley, here's the thing I need to ask you,
because there have been rumours online, in the newspapers as well,
that you haven't yet been asked to do the next series of Strictly.
That's... Well... Well...
Do we need to start a campaign for this?
Which would be a huge mistake on their part, I can't help thinking.
I do believe it's in the process. Is that the right way to say it?
So they are...? It's in the process.
Their people are now talking to your people?
Yes, I like that. Their people.
That's awkward, cos I've been asked.
LAUGHTER
Have you? Yeah.
I don't hold out much hope, but never mind.
LAUGHTER
Erm... You know the thing,
Lee, very funny comedian, we all agree,
I love watching you on TV,
but your career is going from strength to strength.
You know, I saw you doing a little bit of comedy earlier on,
then some presenting, then there was They Think It's All Over.
Your own show, Not Going Out, which has been a huge success.
How many series have you done?
Well, this is the series we reach 100 episodes. 100 episodes!
APPLAUSE Applause!
That's amazing. Look at that.
That's why you were doing it earlier, isn't it?
But what I was saying is now, though, last year,
I saw you doing Royal Variety Show, you hosted it,
and then a big starring role on the Queen's Platinum Jubilee.
And it was somewhat controversial, the joke.
Yeah, because I got booked...
The thing is, if you've got a Northern accent,
people think, "He's family friendly, he'll be all right."
I told a joke, and I just thought it was a play on words,
I said, "Here we are for the party of a lifetime
"outside the palace gates.
"Finally, the words party, gate,
"and it's not controversial."
Now, I didn't realise that Boris was in the audience.
LAUGHTER
And genuinely, this is how mad the press are,
just as a silly little joke, I went,
"Tonight, we've got Rod Stewart..." Hooray!
"..we've got Diana Ross..." Hooray!
"And closing the show - who could close a show like that?
"We've got The Krankies!"
And the press said, "And he even had a dig Nicola Sturgeon."
LAUGHTER They genuinely said that.
Let me explain to John, because he might not...
I'm sure you might have heard of Nicola Sturgeon,
you won't have heard of The Krankies, I'm sure.
I've heard of Partygate. OK, Partygate.
OK. So you've got the beginning.
Let me lead you through the rest. Let's show you a picture.
This is Nicola Sturgeon, who was the former leader of the SNP.
OK. She's now no longer the leader.
And this is a famous comedy duo,
The Krankies, if you see them next to us,
that's... Oh!
LAUGHTER
So, that's the person Lee was referring to.
In case you don't that photograph's quite crazy enough, John,
the bloke behind, yeah, is married to that small boy.
LAUGHTER
SHIRLEY: Really? But he's not a boy.
They genuinely are, cos that's a woman.
OK. That's his wife.
No, I got that that was a woman, and she does look like the other woman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see where the joke was coming from.
And they're swingers, and that's not...
No, you can't say that!
That's in the book!
Let's talk to John about his new album.
LAUGHTER
Please!
APPLAUSE Sorry.
John, new album out now, and it's...
it's reimagining of the Legend album.
Yes, so I put out a double album in September called Legend,
and we wanted to do, like, an intimate version of the album.
All solo piano, just me by myself, singing, playing piano.
And we covered some songs from the Legend album,
but I also did a couple covers as well,
Sade, a song called By Your Side. Ah, you love Sade.
But then, I've never done the Sade song before,
but I opened for her back in 2011, we toured together in the States,
and I always loved this song
and thought it'd be a cool song to cover.
That's the song John will be performing
at the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen. Yes.
If you're a Sade fan, you've got a treat.
Yes. I love Sade.
APPLAUSE Love Sade.
Erm... So, that must be very different,
being on stage, just you and the piano,
than when you have the big setup.
That's what I just did at Royal Albert Hall this week,
and it's really fun because I perform,
but also tell a lot of stories, people get to know me better,
learn a little bit more about my life,
some fun stories that they might not have known about me before.
What kind of stories?
Well, like how I got my name, John Legend.
Because you're not... You weren't christened John Legend, were you?
Right. I was born John Stephens,
but a friend of mine, an artist named J Ivy,
started calling me John Legend, and then Kanye kind of blew it up
when he put it on one of his recordings.
But then I found out that someone else was named Johnny Legend
and he... the reason why it mattered
was because he was a rockabilly performer. Yeah.
But he also was a porn producer, and...
LAUGHTER
I need to add something here.
OK. I'm a friend of the original Johnny Legend.
You know Johnny Legend? I went to Mexico with Johnny Legend.
Oh, my God. What is he like? I've never met him.
This is Johnny Legend. OK.
And he is exactly what you think he might be like.
LAUGHTER
I've never met him before.
I've known Johnny Legend for 30-odd years.
OK. Well, my manager,
once we found out we had to clear the trademark with Johnny Legend,
he reached out to him and negotiated a deal,
mutually exclusive, so I would always be John Legend,
he would always be Johnny Legend, we would never cross.
I've seen you both work. No-one would mix you up.
LAUGHTER No-one's gonna think that's you.
You've always been Shirley Ballas, is that right?
Well, that's your married name, isn't it?
It's my married name. OK.
My maiden name was Shirley Rich, even though we were piss poor broke.
Shirley Rich. That's nice, too. Yeah!
And, Lee, you weren't always Lee Mack, where you?
No, I'm not Lee Mack. My real name is Lee McKillop.
McKillop? It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it, McKillop?
It's a mouthful. Bit of a mouthful.
So, yeah, my great-grandad was a variety hall comedian
called Billy Mack.
And we've got one little artefact,
which is a signed photo that says,
"To Gladys, yours terribly,
"Billy Mack." Wow.
And he was dressed as a toff, that was his act. Amazing.
I always wondered why we had the autograph card.
Doesn't make sense, should be in Gladys's family. Yeah.
And when I did Who Do You Think You Are?
I discovered that that was my great-grandmother,
so that might be the first moment they met. Wow.
Isn't that lovely? It's a nice story until you realise,
you know, she's gone, "Can you sign this?"
And he's gone, "Yeah, want to go for a drink?"
LAUGHTER Sullies the story a bit.
All relationships have to start somewhere, Lee.
Yeah, but not at a stage door.
LAUGHTER
I once asked to sign somebody's... I don't know if you've had this,
but someone's asked to sign the breast, have you had that?
No. And it's...
Hold it. LAUGHTER
It's a bit awkward.
But she didn't reveal her breast, she sort of went like that.
So just a little bit.
She was showing bra, but it was a bit awkward.
It's very '80s hair metal band kind of...
You should see my act. LAUGHTER
So I got... This is genuinely true. I got the pen,
and it was very awkward, I went to sign,
the pen didn't work,
and without thinking, I went... on the other breast.
On the other breast, I scribbled. LAUGHTER
You must have done that, John.
This is the era of no autographs, it's all selfies now,
the selfie era, yeah.
Have you ever taken a selfie with someone's breast? I mean...
LAUGHTER
Possibly. Well, there you go.
Join us after the break,
and I will be showing you that selfie, ladies and gentlemen.
And it was my left breast, in case you're curious.
But don't go away because in a few moments
we'll be joined out here by Jeff Goldblum.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
He is the star of countless Hollywood blockbusters
and an accomplished jazz musician as well.
It is the weird, the wonderful, Mr Jeff Goldblum.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely to see. Lovely to see you.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Wow. You. You.
Hey, thanks, John.
I've been a fan of yours for over 30 years.
And we've known each other for a long time. Yes, we have known...
And how amazing does Jeff Goldblum look, ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look so young.
If I might, I went on Wikipedia, it says you're 98, is that correct?
You look amazing. I'll be 99 in three weeks.
No, but, he's 70, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't think I've seen a more spry and attractive 70-year-old ever,
in the history of humankind. What's your secret, Jeff Goldblum?
I have no secret. What do you do?
Well, I live nicely, you know, I like to...
I get my good sleep, I like to sleep, don't you? Indeed.
You know, and try to eat reasonably and, you know...
How many hours do you get to sleep?
Oh, now that you mention it, I love eight hours. Eight?
Yeah. Last night, I got a little over.
A little over eight, and then I topped it off with a nap today,
at lunch. Yeah. Yeah.
Same, I had a nap today, too.
Really? How long is your nap? Can you power nap?
It was like a little over an hour. A little over an hour, really?
That's not a nap, that's a sleep. Nah! It's perfect.
Hey, can I do something?
Watch this... I'm very good at this.
LAUGHTER Did I get?
I got it. I got it. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He got it. My dad was a doctor.
Also, I don't know if you noticed, but when you did that,
I broke wind at the same time.
So you have magnificent knowledge of anatomy.
My doctor always does the prostate exam right after that,
so I have weird memories. LAUGHTER
Shirley, are you a napper, Shirley? I imagine you're a bit of a dynamo.
I am absolutely not a napper. I do not take a nap,
I do not sleep eight hours a night, I'm lucky if I sleep four or five.
Oh, no. No. Four or five hours. Yes, I know.
I've just never been a good sleeper, ever, never.
Lee, you look like you don't get any sleep.
LAUGHTER
How much sleep do you get?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't.
Jeff, we've been talking to John a little bit about his children,
and you have two children as well. Yes, I do. I've got two.
Don't expect a clap.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They're not brand-new, you get a clap for a new one.
Oh, look, there's my whole family.
That's me, and that's Emilie, my beautiful wife,
and that is, the big one with the astronaut costume is Charlie Ocean,
our now seven-year-old, and that's River Joe
about to turn six any day now.
Wow, lovely family.
APPLAUSE Congratulations.
Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, Lee?
How come you've got kids that age and you're sleeping in the day?
How does that work? LAUGHTER
Oh, I see what you mean. Well... I mean, they go to school.
LAUGHTER
I'll have to try that. Try that.
So Jeff is in the country with his band, The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra.
OK, and he has a new EP out as well with The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra
called Plays Well With Others. Yes.
But there is no Mildred Snitzer in the orchestra. No.
LAUGHTER So don't go expecting that.
The Mildred, the name, she was a friend of your mother's, wasn't she?
She was a friend of my mother's. What a great name, Mildred Snitzer!
That's a funny name.
She was a good egg, she lived to be 104. Wow.
She saw us play once.
But we do have Mattiel Brown, who's singing with us tonight.
We have Kelly Clarkson, who sings on the album.
We love Kelly. We have Freda Payne, you know?
Band Of Gold. Yes! Band Of Gold, can you sing it?
Do you know that hit from the...? Since you've been gone...!
# All I want is a band of gold. # # Band of gold. #
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Why have we got John Legend here, and you and I are singing?
LAUGHTER
A very accomplished musician. No-one wants to hear that.
Early on, I told John you were on the show,
and he said, "Of course I know Jeff,"
he said, "He's a better pianist than I am."
Oh, no, not true. I did say that. That's a fact.
I sit at your feet, I learned from you. I'm a humble student.
But I like to play. Hey, I like your shoes! Thank you.
Is that the way you go, you don't tie them? You just leave them.
That's how they design them, so you didn't have enough to tie them with.
Of course, they've got that Velcro shoe now.
My kids love a double knot.
On the shoe? Yes, when I help them...
Because if you're running around, it won't become loose.
I guess, and they do a lot of running.
And if when you're asleep, they want to tie you up,
a double knot means you can't get out. Yes, exactly.
Well, that's funny you said that, they like bondage of all sorts.
LAUGHTER
They love the idea. No, nothing ribald about it,
but they love the idea of getting me incapacitated. Incapacitated.
When did you start, though, your love of music? Cos I did not...
I knew you played piano from years ago,
I didn't know it was a serious love of yours, and it clearly is.
What age did you start playing?
I started around ten, I think. Nine, ten.
And, John, what age did you start? I was four when I started.
I started playing in church mostly,
my grandmother was a church organist.
You grew up around gospel? Yeah, I grew up around gospel music,
and that's what I played mostly as a kid. Where, where?
In Ohio. In Ohio. I'm from Pennsylvania.
Oh, OK. We're neighbours, I went to U of Pennsylvania.
You did? Hey, Shirley, how's your mum?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really great. Yep.
Yep, really great.
I saw her down the spa the other day. Lovely woman.
I asked her... We bought some potatoes, actually.
They're on special offer at the moment.
I like your shoes, by the way. CHEERING
Nice boots going on there. No laces.
APPLAUSE
Let me ask you about jobs before you do what we know and love you for.
You all must have had jobs when you were making your way
in your respective industries.
Jeff, you kind of hit the ground running pretty early as an actor.
So, did you have many jobs
before acting became a solid career for you?
Er, no, I lucked my way into show business jobs,
and a Broadway show early on, and then other things.
One thing led to another, and I just kept working in show business...
But... ..on stage, or in film.
But, for one week, when I went out to California...
Four years after I was in New York, I moved out to California.
..I realised I was running out of money, I needed a job,
and I looked in the paper, and I got a job selling,
over the phone, stationary equipment.
I lasted one week doing that.
Either my system is very sensitive... Which it might be.
..uh, or it was coincidental,
but I wound up in the hospital with a kind of a... Wow.
..an illness, I made it out, but that's...
And that's the last straight job I ever had.
LAUGHTER John.
For my first job out of college, I was a management consultant. Wow.
So, I worked at a company called Boston Consulting Group
and just did, like, spreadsheets... Yeah.
So, just spreadsheets? Spreadsheets, PowerPoint slides...
But I get the feeling you're the kind of guy
who likes a neat spreadsheet.
I do. You know, I was a good math student,
and I liked numbers, and I wanted to do a good job.
But I also wanted to get a record deal and get out of there.
Yeah, the choice between the two is fairly straightforward.
And Shirley?
I worked at a solicitors' when I was 15, as an office junior.
They sent me on day release, I learnt shorthand and typing,
and at 16 and a half,
I wanted to move to the bright lights of London.
Had three days to find a job.
I found a job I was underqualified for
because I was so not equipped for the job.
I would do the filing, they couldn't find anything in the filing cabinet.
I'd do the typing, and the other secretaries would say,
"She can't spell."
I'd just say, "Correct it for me, and I'll redo it again."
I had many jobs. I was working from probably age nine
to help my mother so that I could dance. Wow.
And I would never change a single thing of that.
And of course, by the time I was 17,
I turned professional and earned a living from dancing, so...
Earned a living from dancing. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You put the graft in first.
Lee, briefly, let's have some of yours.
My first job actually was, er...
I got thrown out of school, I went home and thought,
"What am I gonna do with the rest of my life?"
I put the television on, and horse racing was on.
And I thought, "I'll do that." LAUGHTER
Genuinely, I just thought, "That can't be hard."
It's the only sport I thought you can do
where you don't have to do most of the work, the horse'll do it.
You have to be short. I used to be very small. Oh?
So, my local stables in my hometown was Red Rum.
Probably the most famous horse... He was... He's our Seabiscuit.
OK. Oh, no kidding.
I used to go and give the other horses a walk round
like a dog on a lead.
Didn't get on their back, just used to walk them round.
Fresh air. Fresh air, bit of a walk round.
The problem is, we didn't have a gallops at these stables.
It was famously... He trained the most famous racehorse
behind a second-hand car lot, trained them on the beach,
so I had to walk them round the high street.
Just walk this horse round the high street.
Little, skinny 16-year-old.
And a horse, when it gets...
..aroused... LAUGHTER
..it's quite big.
LAUGHTER
This thing, I kid you not, was swinging like this.
It was then I regretted wearing my My Little Pony T-shirt.
LAUGHTER
It was swinging like this, and I swear to God this is true,
it took the wing mirror off a Ford Anglia.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Wow. Wow.
OK, well, you know, I hope that, er,
if you get the chance to see John Legend live,
when he's chatting to you in between songs,
he recounts that story to you as well.
LAUGHTER But John has to go and get prepared
for his performance at the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen.
So, for now, will you join me in saying thank you to Mr John Legend!
Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, John. Thank you, thank you.
Do you want to head backstage and get warmed up?
Good to see you. Great to see you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE John Legend, ladies and gentlemen.
OK. WHISTLING
But don't go away because up next,
we'll be joined out here by Jack Whitehall!
See you after the break. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
He's one of the country's most popular comedians,
and now against, let's face it, almost impossible odds,
he's in LA making it as a Hollywood movie star.
LAUGHTER It's Jack Whitehall!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely to see you. And you.
I thought you'd forsaken me!
Hello, love. Hey, how are you, love?
Nice to see you.
Hello, how are you? How are you? Nice to see you.
Good to see you. Hi.
Whitehall. Whitehall. Jeff. Great to see you.
It's so lovely to see you. Jack...
Swapped out a legend for a bellend. LAUGHTER
I have missed you. I haven't seen you for too long.
Oh, thank you. I used to see you quite often...
It's lovely to see you.
It's genuinely nice to see you. Do you like the homage?
I'm not sure. LAUGHTER
I asked for BBC One era Jonathan Ross. Yes.
That's what I was going for. Back when I looked like a kind of
slightly sexually conflicted weather girl.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I thought it was working for me,
and then I got tweeted the other day about my long hair.
Someone said that I look like a Tesco's value Richard Hammond.
LAUGHTER
Which I don't think is a great review.
That's not a great review. Nah.
But you're gonna stick with it? Yeah. I'm gonna persist.
So, congratulations on your success, though,
because you are making it out in the States, you're doing great.
Do you live there now, or are you still living here?
Er, no, I'm mainly living here,
but, yeah, I just did a tour in the States,
and, yeah, I finished in a venue in San Francisco
called the Palace of Fine Arts.
Wow. Which was very prestigious.
But life comes at you fast.
I then came back, and the first show I had back in England
was in a leisure centre in Colchester.
LAUGHTER
Where they had badminton nets in my dressing room,
and it all smelled of Deep Heat, and I was like...
It's good to keep yourself grounded in that way.
Keep yourself grounded, yeah.
But before we talk about the stand-up, then...
But you have, you've been making movies.
You've been making lots of movies. Yeah.
Successful movies. Yeah.
Clifford The Big Red Dog... Yep.
LAUGHTER He's in that film...
What, why are you laughing? LAUGHTER
It's popular family entertainment. Yep.
I am not saying anything negative about it,
I like that kind of film. They're hard to make.
It took over... It made over $100 million.
Yes. AUDIENCE: Ooh...
I mean, that's a lot of money. Yeah, that is a lot of money.
How much of that do you get? Not a lot!
LAUGHTER
But how great to be in successful films like this?
Yeah, no, it's great. I mean, I... LEE: Was the costume very hot?
LAUGHTER
Everyone assumed I was the dog as well.
Even after, you know, they'd seen the trailer,
people were coming up to me, going, "Are you the dog in that?"
I was like, "No, you can literally see me in the poster!"
Well, you give off the vibe of someone who would be employed
more for their voice than their looks.
OK... LAUGHTER
The dog doesn't even speak! Wow.
So I would just be woofing and grunting!
LAUGHTER
So, let's talk about the new stand-up tour
because the new stand-up tour is called Settle Down,
and this is you, as always, talking about your life.
Real things that have happened to you, with a comic spin on.
This is about this new stage in your life, which is...
Well, explain. Well, I guess, yeah.
I mean, since I did stand-up last, quite a lot of life has happened.
I've met my life partner,
I've got a house, the mortgage, the dog,
and I'm, yeah, settling down in my life,
so I'm sort of reflecting on that.
It's nice. So you're growing up, basically?
You're settling down as a mature, sophisticated adult male.
I would say, reluctantly, but, yeah.
Like, attempting to adult.
Well, how old are you now? I've forgotten.
Thirty four. Thirty four.
So... Teetering... You're still a young man.
Well, I don't feel... I don't think of that as young.
I wouldn't get on Love Island any more. No.
LAUGHTER
I mean, mainly cos I've read a book, but also the age thing...
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's true.
I mean... Harsh.
And you're writing about your new partner,
you said it's your life partner, which is a lovely thing to hear,
Roxy. Roxy, yeah.
Is she happy? Does she mind you sharing on stage?
Why...? Not that picture. LAUGHTER
Look, you know what? You're licking her like a dog would.
LAUGHTER
Touche. Yeah.
That's why we thought that about you.
But is Roxy OK? She's cool with that?
I presume she must be. Yeah, she's fine.
Actually, weirdly, the show in Colchester,
I invited all of her family to,
and I had some routines about my girlfriend,
but then I remembered that her family are in the audience,
and I pulled out of a couple of them because I got too nervous.
There was one specific routine, which...
My girlfriend has diabetes, and I was talking about
how the main way that diabetes affects our relationship is
that diabetes is when your pancreas doesn't produce enough insulin
so you have to monitor your blood sugar levels,
and if you do strenuous exercise, they dip very dangerously low.
So, in a relationship, what that translates to is that
I can now tell exactly how good of a performance I've put in...
LAUGHTER ..in the bedroom
by what my girlfriend's snacking on afterwards.
LAUGHTER So if I roll over
and she's tucking in to an entire Colin the Caterpillar,
I'm like, "Well played. Bravo, Jack."
And if she's popping in a single Skittle,
I'm like, "OK, I could try harder next time."
LAUGHTER
And then I saw her family, her aunt, her mum, her dad,
and I just gave up halfway through the joke.
LAUGHTER Cos I was so scared...
How do you rescue yourself from that situation?
Do you say, "You know what..."? Do you just change the subject?
I literally just said, "My girlfriend has diabetes,"
and then I saw them and knew where the joke was going
and then just moved on to the next joke, so there was no joke.
I just told the whole audience about her medical history...
It sounded... ..and then moved on.
Sounded more like a cry for help from you.
LAUGHTER
Let's go back to Clifford The Big Red Dog.
Yeah. Because there wasn't...
No. LAUGHTER
Because there wasn't actually a big red...
There isn't a real Clifford The Big Red Dog, is there?
No (!) No (!) LAUGHTER
So I'm curious, when you're acting,
was there a person in a big red dog suit
or was it, like, a man with just a dog's head on a stick?
LAUGHTER Or just your own imagination?
Nothing there at all?
Well, weirdly, they had all manner of different things.
There was one big puppet that had two people in it,
like a sort of pantomime horse.
Then there was also, like, body parts of Clifford,
so there was a guy that would hold his head on a stick,
there was a man that operated a giant tail.
There was even a man with a tongue, who had his arm in a tongue,
and he dunked it in a, like, a bucket of, like, gunk...
Which bit did they use to take the wing mirror off the Ford Anglia?
LAUGHTER
Giant lipstick. LAUGHTER
So, Jeff, have you... got a dog?
Have I got a dog? Yes.
Did I just have a blackout?
LAUGHTER
I'm changing the subject.
Oh. I was worried then, I'd gone for ten seconds.
LAUGHTER
But I... Erm...
We do have a dog.
Woody! Woody! French poodle.
Red-haired standard poodle, big dog.
People love that dog, stop the dog more than me,
and take pictures of the dog. I love a dog.
I love a dog. Lee. I have a dog, I have a Labrador,
but he's a silver Labrador.
I've never seen one of those. They're quite unusual.
Do we have a picture of Lee's dog?
Could we see it? There's my dog.
As you can see, he's a bit like Jack, actually,
distinct blue eyes, and very inbred.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I would say handsome.
Handsome and inbred.
I mean, that's a fair assessment, right, Jack?
You're very posh. You've got beautiful eyes.
LAUGHTER Jack, do you have a dog?
Yes, I have a toy poodle, which is...
What?! ..a deeply emasculating dog.
I wanted, like, a guard dog.
That's a very pretty dog. It's so embarrassing.
And she wanted to call it Beyonce, as well, which I had to shut down.
LAUGHTER
That does look like you're a very bad ventriloquist.
It looks like a pillowcase.
It's the most ridiculous dog, as well,
and she keeps referring to it as a rescue dog, as well,
which it's not. I paid a woman on the internet for it.
LAUGHTER
She's like, "No, but the dog rescued me."
That's not what rescue dog means. LAUGHTER
She calls me its daddy as well, which I can't stand.
You ARE its daddy.
I'm not its daddy, I'm its master. We will have standards.
And... Cos she sees it as a sort of surrogate
for us having a kid one day, and she goes,
"No, you should treat the dog just like you treat our actual child."
So I'm straight on Google.
"Are there boarding schools for dogs?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE And there are.
Kennels. Yeah. There you go.
APPLAUSE
Shirley, do you have any animals? Do you have a dog?
I have a dog, a Lhasa Apso dog.
Wow, that's a fancy one. Do you have a picture of my dog?
Here's a picture of Shirley's dog. CHEERING
Delightful. He can talk.
He can talk?! I'm telling you!
He comes up when he wants to eat, he does all sorts of little...
What does he say to you? SHE LAUGHS
Woof, woof! LAUGHTER
He's just... So, he communicates.
He communicates with me. Ah!
Does he understand you? And I get down when he has his food,
and I eat by the bowl with him.
I do because... LEE: What, on all fours?!
Because I feel he is much better than a husband,
let me tell you!
That is loyal, he is kind,
he is wonderful, he is cuddly,
he is snuggly, he is popular.
We're loyal, kind, cuddly, popular.
LAUGHTER
I am gonna change the subject
because this is exciting news... Cats!
LAUGHTER
Do you have a mouse?
Shirley Ballas, ladies and gentlemen,
is now an author as well as all the other things she does.
She has her book, which you can pre-order now.
It's called Murder On The Dance Floor,
am I correct? That's correct. Tell us about it, Shirley.
Well, Murder On The Dance Floor is loosely based
on every story that I have witnessed
that has gone on in my industry, with fictitious characters.
So there's murder, lies, intrigue,
sex, bed-hopping,
ending in all sorts of...
Some of it's fun, some of it's really intriguing.
Very sensual.
Shirley, have you... you've actually seen someone murdered
on the dance floor? LAUGHTER
Well, that's... The lady that drops dead
is Oksana Bondarenko,
while she's doing a tango, closely entwined with her partner.
And then all of a sudden, she dies,
and the mystery is you have to find out who is the murderer.
Yes. Who murdered...?
She's entwined limb to limb on the dance floor,
and suddenly she just keels over... LAUGHTER
..and dies right there in the tango.
That one's based on Ann Widdecombe, right?
LAUGHTER
I've seen that dance.
I've seen that dance on YouTube. APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
I mean, it sounds... engrossing,
enthralling and exhilarating. Yeah.
Well, there's lots of books out there,
but I wanted to bring, like, the back door to ballroom dancing.
LAUGHTER
It's always interesting when it comes from behind.
Yes, I know. LAUGHTER
Everything that's going on inside the book.
So I absolutely have covered everything.
LAUGHTER
How many of these events are based on experiences
you yourself have enjoyed
on or by the back door of the ballroom?
LAUGHTER
I would probably say about 90%.
90%? 90%!
APPLAUSE
Yes. What a...
Some of those scenes are gonna curl your toes.
Well, what a film that's going to make,
and I know just the man to be in it.
And if you need a... Oh, wow.
APPLAUSE Ooh, you read...
Yes. LAUGHTER
OK, so, that book, you can pre-order now.
It's not out till October, though, is it?
October. But I've got an advance copy.
I'm gonna read it. You have. You have.
Shirley, we're gonna talk to you a bit later on about dancing
cos I know we might see the stuff you're shooting at home,
but first of all, we have with us Jeff Goldblum,
one of the greatest actors of his generation.
Yes, I believe that to be true. The best.
APPLAUSE
Also an amazing performer. He's in town with his band.
We're gonna have him perform this evening, ladies and gentlemen,
so that's a treat for you. APPLAUSE
So, Jeff, I'm gonna ask you to head on over,
here with your band, Jeff Goldblum, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, here they are,
with the wonderful song Moon River,
it's the fabulous Jeff Goldblum
and the Mildred Snitzer Orchestra with Mattiel Brown.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SONG: 'Moon River'
# Moon River
# Wider than a mile
# I'm crossing you in style some day
# Oh, dream maker
# You heartbreaker
# Wherever you're going
# I'm going your way
# Two drifters
# Off to see the world
# There's such a lot of world to see
# We're after
# The same rainbow's end
# Waiting around the bend
# My Huckleberry friend
# Moon river
# And me. #
APPLAUSE
Beautiful.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Jeff Goldblum and the Mildred Snitzer Orchestra,
with Mattiel Brown.
Don't go away because we've got more from my guests,
and John Legend will be performing at the end of the show.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
I've still got my fabulous guests with me here,
Lee Mack, Shirley Ballas, Jeff Goldblum
and of course Jack Whitehall is here.
I've got... This is a mistake, I've got one of your question cards.
"Do you have a dog?" Thank you. I will use that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't see... I don't see what's funny about that
because that's a good question. It's a good question.
That's a relatable question.
If anything, the text is even bigger on the actual cards
that you have to read from. LAUGHTER
Jack very unkindly... I... His phone is unbelievable!
I got a text, he went, "What's that?!"
I went, "It's a text."
He went, "Why are the letters so big?"
LAUGHTER
Jack, you know what you may have missed in our country,
we have a very big hit new quiz show,
here on ITV, called The 1% Club.
Do you watch The 1% Club, ladies and gentlemen?
APPLAUSE LEE: I've never seen it. Any good?
The 1% Club is hosted by Lee Mack. It's a great quiz show,
and it's a quiz show where, to be smart helps,
but sometimes you don't...
It's not the smartness that gets it right
because some smart people get the questions wrong.
Yeah, so it's not a general knowledge quiz.
It's about logic. It's a sort of logic-type question,
and the format is, we start off with a 90% question
that 90% of people that they tested the questions on got right,
then the 80% question, then the 70%,
all the way down to the 1%. If you get it wrong, you're out,
we start with 100 people, we usually at end up with one.
You have to get all the way through to win.
Have to get the last question right, or you win nothing. Nothing.
You can keep your 10,000 before you gamble,
or whatever you've got.
So there's no shilly-shallying with the truth,
you don't give anybody the answers.
I don't know what you said, but I tell you now...
LAUGHTER
I am going to use that as my catchphrase for the next series.
Welcome to the show where there's no shilly-shallying.
LAUGHTER
What's great about the show is, it is a brilliant idea for a show.
I've played along home, and it's infuriating,
but there is one constant in the show,
which is Lee is there, and he makes it very funny. Look at this.
Let's have a look at it.
READS QUESTION
And your 30 seconds starts now.
Blimey. I was not expecting that.
We've lost 11 of you.
I probably should say that with more warmth, shouldn't I?
LAUGHTER
Well done to those of you whose lights are still on.
Let's have a look at the answer.
It's bee's knees.
Never has the phrase "say what you see"
been more appropriate than for that answer.
Unfortunately, if your lights are out,
you are out of the game, just like... Ronnie Hudson.
Hey. Hello, Ronnie.
What did you put, mate?
I put "bees, bees, hairy knees". LAUGHTER
Bees, bees, hairy knees? It's a saying.
I've heard that saying.
Are you from Northern Ireland? Yeah.
In Northern Ireland, that might be a phrase,
but I've never heard it in England.
ULSTER ACCENT: Bees, bees, hairy knees.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Is that a phrase?
Bees, bees, hairy knees. I've never heard it, no.
So, The 1% Club is coming back on ITV next Saturday, 9:25,
so make sure you tune in for that.
I'm genuinely thrilled, Shirley Ballas,
I've met her a few times, I'm very enamoured of you.
I think you are a lovely woman, a very talented woman.
I like all of you, but my favourite right now is Shirley.
And, Shirley, of course, is known mainly for dancing,
and I've noticed if you follow Shirley online,
she posts TikTok videos at home of herself with various...
Sometimes family members,
sometimes just young topless men
who seem to be hanging around your house.
That's my gay gaggle. I lived with them for 12 years.
The gay gaggle. Oh, yeah.
But I wanted to show one very successful TikTok dance routine
that Shirley's done, with the hope that you could perhaps teach us...
Yes. ..your four willing associates here,
this routine, so look at this.
# I can buy myself flowers
# Write my name in the sand
# Talk to myself for hours
# See things you don't understand
# I can take myself dancing
# And I can hold my own hand, yeah
# I can love me better Than you can. #
Will you show us the routine... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..then we will perform it for everyone here,
and I think this would be a fantastic finale.
I'll have a couple of you over here,
and a couple of you over here. There you go.
No, Jeff, you're that side.
How come you've got the two...?
The two slim ones on that side...
I'm gonna stay on the spot. We're not gonna move forward.
Change weight, we're gonna go right, left,
right left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
That's for the count of eight. That's it, is it?
Try that again. One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
We're gonna swing the arms to the right.
One, to the left, two, to the right.
Three, to the left, four to the right.
Five, to left, six,
seven, eight... You're out of time.
Now we're going to do a little birdie.
Going to... Looking at each other. Look at me.
Look at me with your birdie. Do your birdie to me.
Do your birdie to... No, look at me. Look at me.
LAUGHTER Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah? Have you all got that? Yeah.
Yeah. I've forgotten the rest, but let me try it with steps.
Then you have to meet where it goes with the eyes. Yeah. I hope.
I feel like I'm visiting a care home.
LAUGHTER
Fuck off!
Will we be exercising with beans, tins of beans?
And then down your own body, sensually. Oh, yeah.
Then you're gonna have some dancing, so you can turn round and play.
You can go the other way, lovely. Yep.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Maybe I should add something for difficulty.
Hold a flower. Oh, thanks (!) Hold a flower.
And on the count of eight, you have to chuck the flower
forward to the TV screen.
And tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be Morrissey.
It looks easy, but you have to coordinate it on time, OK?
JEFF: On eight. Shall we try it? Yeah.
Are you ready to try it? Yes.
Like a load of Welsh protesters. Let's do it.
LAUGHTER OK.
# Started to cry But then remembered I... #
AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME # I can order some flowers
# Write my name in the sand
# Talk with myself for hours
# Say things you don't understand
# I can take myself dancing
# And I can hold my own hand
# Yeah, I can love me better than You can
# Can love me better... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
I am genuinely out of breath. Fantastic.
Ladies and gentlemen, what a fabulous teacher Shirley Ballas is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's go and sit back down.
We've got the song, and then... we're almost done.
Almost!
Wow, what an exhausting and challenging evening this has been.
The only person, the only man doing that that's not panting
is the 70-year-old.
Yes. Excuse me, I'm not panting.
You're not a man! LAUGHTER
I forgot!
Will you join me in saying thank you
to all my guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
The fabulous Lee Mack, of course, Shirley Ballas,
the wonderful Jeff Goldblum, and the one and only Jack Whitehall.
Make sure you go and see him on tour.
APPLAUSE
Before we go, we've just got time for some great music for you.
We promised this earlier, and here it is at last.
The fabulous John Legend with By Your Side.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: 'By Your Side' by John Legend
# Oh
# You think I'd leave your side Baby
# You know me better than that
# You think I'd leave you down When you're down on your knees
# I wouldn't do that
# I tell you you're right When you want
# Ah
# And if only
# You could see into me
# Whoa
# Oh
# When you're cold
# I'll be there
# To hold you tight to me
# When you're on the outside, baby And you can't get in
# I will show you
# You're so much better Than you know, yeah
# When you're lost and you're alone
# You can't get back again
# I will find you, darling
# And bring you home
# And if you wanna cry
# I'll be there to dry your eyes
# Yeah
# And in no time
# You'll be fine
# Oh
# When you're cold
# I'll be there
# To hold you tight to me
# Oh
# When you're alone
# I'll be there
# By your side, baby
# Oh
# When you're cold
# I'll be there
# To hold you tight to me
# Oh
# When you're alone
# I'll be there
# By your side, baby
# I'll be there
# By your side. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com