CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, thank you very much. Thank you, that's so kind.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for watching at home.
Good evening, and welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show,
and we have got a great programme lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my green room.
He's worked with everyone from Scorsese to Spielberg
in a career spanning nearly 50 years.
He's played kings, gangsters, he's even played a beaver.
It's the sexy beast himself, Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The governor back in the house. Great to see you, Ray. Looking good.
Thank you. Love Ray.
Alongside Ray, we've got a comedian
who's amazingly funny and alarmingly honest.
She's one of the sharpest stand-ups around,
one of my favourite guests ever on this show - Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The amazing Katherine Ryan. Always brings the glamour.
OK, next up, I'm excited he's on tonight.
It's everyone's favourite cuddly goth, Noel Fielding.
Noel Fielding is with us.
Love Noel, look how glamorous he looks.
And we're also joined by a fantastic comic
who's gone from selling out the O2
to wowing the crowds with his moves on Strictly.
Eddie Kadi, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Plus, and I'm excited about this,
we've got music from one of my favourite bands at the moment.
They're back with their sixth hit album.
It's called Pick-Up Full Of Pink Carnations,
it's amazing, they're amazing.
It's The Vaccines.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, this week, we'll be experiencing something
that only happens once every four years.
I don't know if you know it's this year,
but this year is a leap year, everyone.
We have the 29th of February this year, and when I was a kid,
the 29th of February was sort of like a big thing
because traditionally, it was the day that women
were kind of allowed, enabled, to propose to their partners.
I'd imagine now that you can do it whenever you like.
Do we have any ladies here thing about proposing to their partner?
WOMAN: No! LAUGHTER
That was, "Absolutely not!"
Is he here with you? Yes! He's with you?
"No! No!"
We can look around, there might be someone else.
If you are planning on proposing this leap year, though,
and you want someone to film it, you should remember
that it's probably more interesting for you than anyone else.
So you should ask them to pay attention and stay focused on you.
Look at what happened here.
See, obviously, he's going to propose,
and he's got his friend to film it, and he's just waiting for it,
but he hears the noise of something.
He looks round. "Oh, look! It's a raccoon!
"Look at that little raccoon! That is a sweet raccoon.
"I want to film that raccoon. Oh, he's done it already."
He missed it. He missed it. APPLAUSE
Should we get on with the show? CHEERING
OK, let's get my first guests out.
It's the fabulous Katherine Ryan and the equally amazing Ray Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stunning. Stunning.
Ray, come on, bring it in. Bring it in.
Great to see you.
Here we go.
Thank you, both, for being here. It's lovely to have you on.
You know, a few years ago, you were talking about Bobby,
your husband, and how he was your childhood sweetheart,
and you drifted apart, and you had relationships,
he got married, I believe. He did.
Then you got back together, and you are married now. Yep.
I'm just curious, did you propose to him,
or did he propose to you? There wasn't a proposal.
We spent 20 years apart, and then we had a night of passion,
and right on that night, I just went,
"Oh, no, we're probably gonna be together forever
"and have kids, aren't we?"
And now that's what's happened. Wow.
LAUGHTER Not the most romantic...
No, there wasn't a proposal, but, you know,
I still love him so much so far. LAUGHTER
Ray, can you remember when you proposed your missus?
Yeah, it was in Torquay on the beach. Yeah.
I think she asked me, I'm not sure. No.
I asked her, and it was after a year, I think we... No.
We...
We'd actually met probably a couple of months earlier in Torquay.
It's obviously a very memorable... Yeah.
And we got married a year later anyway.
We've been married 44 years now. 44 years!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's amazing.
And that's my goal,
I would love to be married for a very long time, but...
No, you wouldn't, honestly.
But you have to watch out cos one of my girlfriends married 30 years.
She said to me, "Katherine, the other night,
"I saw a funny-looking mole on my husband's back,
"and I decided not to tell him."
Oh, dear.
She's playing the long game.
She's letting nature take care of him for her.
Women are very passive-aggressive killers, you know?
Like, slowly took the vegetables out of his diet, upped the sodium,
12 short years later, the house was mine. Yeah. Amazing.
And no-one can get her for that, no-one can get her. No, no-one.
Ray, your...
What, with being romantic, your daughter got married recently
in Sicily, didn't she?
Yeah, she did in October, yeah.
How was the wedding? What was it like?
Kind of amazing, really.
I mean, at first, I was going,
"Why do you want to get married in Sicily? Why?
"Do you want to get married at all?
"I'll just give you some money, you get a house and do all that."
It's quite a lot of money to get married now, you know?
I'd have rather had the money, but I've got to say,
it was probably the best wedding I've ever been to. Aw. Aw.
And it was worth every penny.
You know, her friends were wonderful,
the night was wonderful,
and it took me four days to get over it.
And it was kind of like being 25 again.
I partied like there was no tomorrow.
You've done that, you know what I mean. Wow.
So, what does that mean, partying like, you know, to more our age?
Well, like we used to when we were 25, Jonathan.
I won't say no more, you understand what I'm talking about.
I do, and it's lucky we're still here, frankly. Yes.
You had your mum live with you recently, didn't you?
So she's the grandparent to your kids.
How was it, having your mum back in the house?
Well, my family are an ocean away - some would say, for a reason.
The trouble is, I would love to have her 20 minutes down the road,
but for my mum to come, she has to live in and stay,
and I think that was stressful for my husband,
only because, if not, you know, it's a window into the future...
..of who I'm definitely turning into.
And that's my stepdad, that's the more interesting story.
Nearest to the tree, that's Abe the babe, he's my stepdad.
They started dating when I was 16 and he was 21.
Wow! All right, yeah.
And that was a scandal in my small town, but now it's fine.
Yeah. So it was nice having her around, she was helpful,
but does that mean you can go out,
you can actually have a life again, or...?
Well, there were some mix-ups.
We thought, with my mum in town, we'll go out and we'll have a night,
and I was getting ready,
and Bobby was really excited for us to have this date.
And my mum came down the stairs in a full gown,
thinking that she was coming with me to the gig.
And then my husband didn't want to be rude to my mum
cos she doesn't see me very much either,
so we just had a girls night on the town, and he watched the kids.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Perfect. I mean, it sounds like your mother knew what she was doing.
I think she did, and Bobby was swift to book her ticket home after that.
He thought, "We'll just get a nanny."
One of the reasons why I'm asking you about family,
of course, is because you got
a new series called Parental Guidance,
and it's a great show. I'm really enjoying it.
This is you letting the cameras into your house, isn't it? Yes.
And it's kind of, you know,
the Beckhams had their immersive show, and the Furys had one,
and this was not really meant to be a reality show
when I signed up for it,
but I think the more they got the cameras in the house
and they saw my stunning hunk of a husband and his beautiful offspring,
they were like, "Let's put cameras in the house almost every day."
And your family, it's a very sweet dynamic,
and it's a very funny family, as well.
I mean, your daughter, Violet, is very funny.
It's very interesting, the relationship between the two of you.
I mean, she blew me away on the show.
Violet is 14, and she doesn't want a career in television
cos she's grown up going to Jonathan Ross's Halloween parties
and knowing what showbiz is all about, and she's like,
"I'll be an architect."
And because of that, she was so herself,
she wasn't playing up to any cameras or anything.
And that girl is so funny, she really steals the show.
Let's look at the clip. This is Parental Guidance.
You can watch it on W, and you can watch it on UKTV Play.
Let's have a look at this.
We had a blast. Yep.
I just feel, like, bad that I just can never do that
with the babies, and, like,
I have to share them, and I just don't...
No way you're crying.
I'm not crying, but I just feel sad that, like... God, grow up.
When I had nothing, I had everything.
And I knew that back then.
Everything was, like, kind of tough, and we didn't have a lot of money,
and we didn't have a lot of family, but it was so much better in a way.
Mum, stop... All the shit that I have now, I don't really...
I will get up and leave. ..care about it.
Like, what we had was awesome.
It was so much fun. It was.
And I'll never have that again. Oh, my fucking... Can you stop?
Very good.
That girl will never know how much I love her,
and it's so sad to see her, you know,
she doesn't want me to show any emotion ever,
and they pull away from you, and I feel like that is the grief
of being a parent is that, you know,
that it only lasts for as long as it lasts, and then it's gone.
You know, they pull away from you at that age maybe,
but then they'll come back to you when, for example,
they've got a mortgage.
Do you know, when you're talking about families,
I just had a thought, and I started giggling to myself.
My mother-in-law, my wife's mum, obviously, she came to me one day,
and she said, "Raymond," Irish lady, you know, from Farnham.
And she said, "Raymond," she said,
"I don't want you to worry," she said,
"but I've booked my funeral."
Oh... "And I've paid for it all. It's all paid for.
"Flowers, everything, don't worry about it."
And she went on for about 20 minutes about this funeral,
and we're fucking looking at her like, "What are you talking about?"
And she said, "Yes, it's all booked, so you just have to turn up,
"and we'll have a lovely day.
"The cars are paid for, this, that."
I said, "OK, Mum. When is it?"
LAUGHTER
And she said...
But it's just funny how mums are, you know? They don't...
We're doing all right, you know,
but she wants to take that pressure off you, you know,
and it's a beautiful thing either way,
and at the same time, it's so ridiculous.
What a thing to say.
You know? It is sweet, though. Yeah, it is, yeah.
By the way, you've just hit a major milestone.
You're celebrating, it's just coming up anyway, 50 years in the business.
50 years as a professional working actor.
50 years.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Amazing.
Congratulations. Where does it go?
I mean, it only seems like yesterday I started, you know?
Did you expect to be around that long because I know... No.
It wasn't the most auspicious start.
No, not really. It took a while.
I mean, I was about 30 when it really started going all right.
I'd done Scum when I was 17, and we moved and made the film again
when I was 20, and I retired twice in that time from 17 to 20.
I retired from the business.
Sometimes, I think, "What would I be doing?"
You know, I was expelled from drama school.
If I hadn't been expelled, I wouldn't be here today.
So you were kicked out of drama school?
That's why I got Scum, you know. Why do they kick you out?
Oh, I was just an horrible, little bastard, really.
I'd done something at drama school
where I sabotaged the headmistress's car.
Really stupid, and someone grassed me up, and I got kicked out.
Quite rightly so.
But with that, I went up to the BBC, which was this building here,
funnily enough.
It's where it kind of started, you know?
When you think about the directors you worked with,
some amazing directors over the years, and some amazing films.
Which are the ones that you enjoyed the experience the most?
Which are the ones that maybe you learned from working with them?
Well, Spielberg, I think, purely because he enjoyed
showing you what he was doing and teaching.
You understood why he was moving the camera
in a certain direction, and he just loved being there, you know?
Yeah. He really did.
Scorsese for the reasons, but, you know, there's Gary Oldman.
For me, being an actor, and he's a great actor,
being in a film with him,
he understood what acting was all about. That was...
Maybe some of you might not have seen this.
It's an amazing film, I think it's one of your best performances.
It's an incredible film.
Nil By Mouth, directed by Gary, and it's a very intense drama.
It's not Saturday night with a pizza, in't it? No, no.
But it was amazing, but he hadn't directed much before, had he?
I don't think he'd directed anything before.
So that was a bit of a risk, I would have thought.
Yeah, yeah, really, but when he gave me the script,
and it's quite flattering for someone like him
to give me a script because I hadn't done too much at the time, you know.
And you read it,
and it's the best thing I've ever read about the subject,
and I don't come from there, you know, I'm a London boy,
I'm working class, I come from the east end of London.
But this side of London, he was talking about the undercurrent,
you know, the drugs and the heroin and all that kind of stuff.
I don't come from that world. I've seen it, and so it was...
You go somewhere dark when you do something like that, you know?
And we certainly did, and I was very proud of that film.
Yeah, it's an amazing performance.
Another amazing performance, much lighter, I'm pleased to say,
but this is someone everyone will remember.
Before we have a look at this, though, just briefly,
I'm gonna ask you a question, Katherine.
Do you think men of any age, but of a certain age, should wear Speedos?
I think it should be mandatory, yes.
Because men are gifted enough to have their reproductive organs
on the outside.
And God intended us, I feel, to see those.
And have you seen the film Sexy Beast? I have. Of course.
OK, well, here you go. This is just...
Remember this, this is very showing you how Speedos should be worn...
Absolutely. ..in Sexy Beast.
MUSIC: 'Peaches' by The Strangers
# Down on the beaches Just look at all the peaches
# Down on the beaches Just look at all the brown bodies
# Down on the beaches Just look at all the sunglasses
# Down on the beaches
# Just look at all the peaches Down on the beaches
# Just look at all the peaches. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's amazing.
I mean, that's an amazing look. How did you prepare for that role?
How did you get ready for that?
How did you get in shape for that role, Ray?
That's a good question, cos I was actually asked to go
to Spain early, a couple of weeks earlier,
and I drank lots of vodka, ate lots of pasta,
and lay on the beach in the sun.
That was preparation for the film. Wow.
Yeah. It's a tough life!
Just to get into shape, yes.
It's an... I mean, that's an amazing look.
Yeah. It was cold that day.
Yeah. I mean, it looks reasonably warm.
But, you know, it's Ray's birthday, ladies and gentlemen,
and so we do have a small gift, and the gift is themed, Ray. Are you...
You're not a football fan, are you? I like women's football now.
I was taken under the Lionesses' wing.
I learned all about everything, the World Cup, and now I'm a fan.
But I don't support any specific team,
and so that means I'm in a good mood all year.
Well, yeah.
Well, Ray's in a bad mood most of the year cos he supports West Ham.
I do, yeah. Yeah.
OK, let's have a look. This is your present, then.
You know it's my wife's birthday today?
This is, in a way, though, maybe this is a present for her, as well.
OK. Oh, really? And for me.
Is it one of them kind of presents?
Happy birthday, Ray. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh!
I was hoping.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ray, look at the front.
The Hammers. I know, I see it.
Well, I'll put them on for the second half. Yes!
OK, so, don't go away, because in a few moments,
maybe you'll see Ray wearing those Speedos,
and we'll be joined by Noel Fielding.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show.
Let's get my next guest out right now.
He has been making us laugh for over 20 years, which is amazing
when you see he still looks the same age as when he first started.
It's Noel Fielding!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. As always, you look amazing.
Hello, Noel. Pleasure.
As always, Noel, you never disappoint.
He looks amazing, doesn't he?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How would you describe this look? What is this book?
Imagine if Sesame Street had a new character
that was a sort of Victorian prostitute.
I don't know. You know Katherine and Ray, don't you? Yes.
Yeah, of course, yeah. Big fan.
I think you're a big fan of Ray in particular, aren't you?
Yeah, I am, and you know, when I was growing up, Robin Hood,
do remember Robin Hood? Sure.
The hooded man. # Robin the hooded man. #
# The hooded man. # You were Will Scarlet.
I was, yes.
Well, I was at the age where we used to watch that on a Saturday
and then go out and play Robin Hood. Right.
I was obviously Michael Praed's character. Obviously.
Early hair influence, but, yeah, we used to sort of pretend to be you,
growing up.
I've just been on holiday with three of the boys from the show,
we've known one another 40 years. Really?
Yeah, Clive Mantle, Jason Connery, and who's the other one?
Oh, yeah, Mark Ryan who plays...
It was a very drunken weekend. Yeah, so, we've all stayed in touch.
That's amazing. Wow. And did you get into the outfits? No, we didn't...
Would have done, but we couldn't fit into them.
You still got the tights? No.
Have you saved any of your costumes or stuff from films? Yeah.
I mean, I've got the saddle off Cold Mountain. I have to have...
I can't help it, it's like being an eastender.
I don't know what it is, but you've got to nick something, you know?
But I also have the guilt where I have to tell them I've nicked it,
you know what I mean?
Then Stevie Dent let me have the flags off the battlefield and that,
and I've got the jewels from Henry VIII.
I've got a little bit of something, but over the years,
you give them away to people who raffle them and things like that.
Auctions. But I've kind of kept the saddle because I love the saddle.
If you find those tights from Robin Hood,
I know one little boy...
I will take them. I'd love to wear them.
You know, we've been talking about families,
so you're a father now, of course.
Yeah, I've got two little girls. Two little girls.
How old are they now? Five and three. Wow.
One of them's called Dali, named after Salvador Dali,
and she's very arty, and she's like a little...
She's like a sort of little flower child, wears angel wings
and sort of is in a little fantasy world.
And then the other one is called Iggy, named after Iggy Pop,
and she's quite rebellious already.
She's like Tank Girl.
She's already smoking, driving a motorbike.
And she's pretty wild, so they're very different,
but they get on very well, so it's nice.
How are you when you have to be firm?
cos I can't imagine you having any discipline whatsoever in your life.
How dare you!
You know what I mean, I've known you for a while, and it's like,
you're not someone I consider
someone who is particularly interested in rules.
No, I literally laugh all the time, and my partner gets annoyed
cos she's like, "You've got to back me up,"
but I just find it hilarious.
I mean, they're ridiculous.
It's like an episode of Itchy And Scratchy.
It's like the Marx Brothers.
You come in, and they're sort of smearing Vaseline into their hair,
they've both got tutus on, one's hanging off the bunk bed.
It's hilarious.
Have you two worked together?
Cos obviously, you've been on the... Haven't we?
Yeah, we did... I did early Buzzcocks with you, which was fun.
And we've done loads of comedy...
You were in the Bake Off tent, as well. Bake Off.
We did a show with Jimmy Carr, didn't we? Yes.
And I think I described us as,
you know those sex cards you get in phone boxes?
Yeah. Well...
I described us as Katherine is the girl on the sex card,
and I'm what actually turns up.
Beauty and the beast. Well, you know what, you were...
Now, in the Bake Off tent, I know you've come up with
quite an odd theory about the Bake Off tent.
Right, so, they don't show the bees, and bees, of course,
love sugar and sweet things,
and the Bake Off tent is so beautiful and iconic and outdoors,
but I felt like it was an added layer of pressure
to make the bakers mess up because there's always a threat of bees.
Yeah.
Right?
I mean, and you went to the next level where you accuse them of
actually deliberately releasing bees into the tent.
To undermine your efforts.
Well, that's the only reason why my cherry pie
could have ended up so soggy.
What are you saying, that we train bees to come in
and fuck with you all?
You don't have to train them, it's their innate nature.
That's the genius of it.
It's Prue that does it.
I'm more of a spider guy, look at me.
Seriously, though, do they release bees? We do!
We put scorpions in the cutlery drawer.
You don't... Do you bake? Do you do any cooking like that?
Not cakes, no, I'm not very good at that.
My daughter does, the youngest one, she likes to bake.
But you grow your own food, don't you? Yeah.
Do you? Yeah, I do.
It's something about it.
I mean, you can go to a supermarket if you want to go to supermarkets,
but there's something about growing your own gear
and eating it, you know? And it's...
LAUGHTER
That was back in the day.
Tomatoes, you know? Yeah.
Having a tomato when it's grown naturally, you know?
Noel, one thing I've got to commend you on is, Noel is multifaceted.
He's a brilliant comedian, he's a great writer,
he's a great actor, as well.
Very funny actor, but also a brilliant painter.
Oh, thank you. I love your work.
Hold on, is that you or Claudia Winkleman?
That's the advert for Traitors.
You know, with Claudia, sometimes she comes on telly,
and if she's on just fleetingly for a second, I go to my partner,
I don't remember filming that show.
But here's the exciting thing, Noel's just about to bring out
a brand-new series which I've seen half of, and it's amazing.
It's brilliant, it's so funny, and it's so Noel,
but it's also glossy and modern and all that.
It's called The Completely Made Up Adventures Of Dick Turpin.
It launches Friday on Apple TV+.
Love to see your career boom, but I'm amazed, though,
cos you're playing, of course, Dick Turpin. Yeah.
Or a version of Dick Turpin. Yeah. Your version.
You've never played a highway man, have you?
Only in real life.
No, no, I don't think I ever played pirates, like...
Exactly, you're sort of, like, right for that kind of role.
We had some great people, but you'd have been perfect, yeah.
Yeah, a bit rough and ready. A bit rough and ready. Arr! Arr!
LAUGHTER OK.
If you're doing that, you're not gonna get the part.
No, it's a comedy. Oh, I see.
Yes, it's funny, innit? Yeah, it's a comedy.
Arr!
And I can't do period stuff.
I've kind of dated myself with the breast implants and Botox.
LAUGHTER Well, when you see his show,
it's a very different take on it. Yeah.
But I'm imagining part of the reason you wanted to do it,
cos as soon as I saw you on screen as Dick Turpin,
I thought, "Of course this is Noel, they're the sort of clothes
"you would wear every day anyway."
They were my own clothes, basically. Yeah, yeah.
OK, let's have a look. This is, as I said,
it's The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin,
created by and starring Noel Fielding. Look at this.
There's only one man brainless enough
to steal from the Syndicate.
SHE GIGGLES
Thank you, Dick. Don't know what we'd do without you.
BOTH SCREAM
CLICKS, HE SCREAMS
I'm gonna be famous.
Dick Turpin! Dick Turpin.
Dick Turpin.
I want this Dick in my hands as soon as possible.
That sounds weird.
Yeah, that did sound a bit weird, sorry.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
You're working there with Hugh Bonneville.
That's great, to have Hugh Bonneville in that role,
cos he's very funny in it as well.
He's a really good comic actor, you know. And I said to him,
I said at the end, "I don't want to sort of get all gushy,
"but I really learnt quite a lot, working with you."
And... And we were chatting, and I said,
you know, "Did you enjoy working with me?"
He said, "It was a bit like working with Paddington."
LAUGHTER
But you... I mean, you kind of, you can see that there is
an uneasy friendship grows between the two of you.
We've got quite a good double act, weirdly.
You've got a good chemistry.
And we were handcuffed together, which was quite exciting.
Yes. And then there's a scene where, I don't know if this was CGI,
where you are chasing, then you jump off a bridge.
Well, I wish it was CGI. It was really high up.
Like, 60 foot high, and they didn't really tell us, and they said,
"You're gonna jump. You'll be on wire, it's fine."
And I got up there and my knees were knocking.
It was like a sort of Pink Panther cartoon,
my knees were literally knocking, and I thought, "I can't pretend...
"I can't let anyone see I'm scared,
"cos Hugh's gonna have done this loads,
"and, you know, he's a man of action."
And I looked over at him and said, "Are you scared?"
He went, "I'm fucking shitting myself!"
LAUGHTER
Did you get to keep any of the clothes? I kept them all.
Yeah, absolutely, I've got a costume on underneath this outfit.
LAUGHTER
Do you ever keep... Like, you always look so glamorous.
I know. But do you...
LAUGHTER Oh, are you talking to Katherine?
Sorry.
Although, it works. But is this sort of stage-wear?
Yeah. Cos I notice in the show that often, you are regularly
just slopping around in a tracksuit, like most of us are.
Yeah, the real me, at home, I think I dress like an elderly rapper.
LAUGHTER
Just a lot of elevated tracksuits.
But I tried to get glam for today, and I went to the nail salon,
where I haven't been for so long because I always have the babies.
I thought, "You know, I'll go into Central London, to a nail salon."
We live a bit suburbs now.
"And I'll wear a black little day dress,
"the weather is getting nice."
And I was so excited. I put on some stockings.
And when I arrived,
I realised that to have a pedicure, you have to stand,
you have to go up some steps and sit high in a chair,
and I would have to take my stockings off,
and I'd forgotten to wear underwear, and I didn't want to do that.
I just left the house, I was so excited, Jonathan,
I was in such a hurry.
And so I said to the ladies, "Oh, no, I can't have a pedicure."
But they're actually quite pushy once you get in there.
Don't worry, I won't do the accent. And they were like...
LAUGHTER
All right, I'll try the accent.
POSH ACCENT: "Come on, up on the stairs."
They're British. Very good.
LAUGHTER "Up you get."
I said, "No, I can't have a pedicure today,"
and they were like, "You're already here, have one,
"go on, just take your stockings off."
So I tried to pretend like I was wearing underwear,
and it was the most stressful moment of my life.
Like, I had my knees together, I was wearing a short black dress,
and I was holding it together, I got to the top...
And the whole pedicure, which takes, like, 40 minutes,
I was just squeezing my legs together.
And they are manipulating my foot around and doing all this,
and I was just like, "I've just had two children,
"you really don't want..." And then...
And then I made it through the whole pedicure,
and I was so proud of myself, but it wasn't a relaxing pedicure at all.
And then at the very end, I was coming down off the steps,
I slept on the oil on my feet, I was, like, spread like this.
Down the steps. LAUGHTER
Down the steps, Jonathan. Amazing.
After all that.
I landed with my elbow in the bowl of water.
Wow. And everyone saw the full vag.
LAUGHTER Anyway...
We're gonna take a break, but don't go anywhere,
because up next, we'll be joined by the brilliantly funny Eddie Kadi.
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
He's huge on the British comedy scene,
and recently got the seal of approval
by showing us his moves on Strictly. It's Eddie Kadi.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hey, Eddie. Thanks for being here. Good to see you.
Oh, yeah, let's do that. Boof.
There you go, we've got a handshake.
ALL GREET EACH OTHER
Come on in, Eddie.
Great to have you here. Thank you for coming on the show,
I'm a big fan. Thank you for having me.
We've been talking about family a little bit here,
everyone here has children. You have, is it one child?
Yeah, one child. A daughter, I believe?
A daughter. How old is she?
She's six years old, seven this year. And...
She thinks she's 16. What kind of dad are you?
What sort of relationship do you have?
Do you know what, I speak to her as if she was 16.
I'm one of those fathers, I don't do the, "Ooh, my cute baby." No.
We have conversations, you know. She'll ask me stuff.
One time, she said to me,
"Daddy, you know, my friends think you're funny,
"but you're not really funny."
And I say to her, "I get paid for being funny,
"that's why you eat these expensive yoghurts."
LAUGHTER
"Cos you're broke, so Daddy has to make the money." You know?
You were in Strictly last year.
Yeah. Everyone saw you in Strictly. It must be a fun experience.
I know it's quite arduous as well, it's quite draining. Yeah.
I think fourth, you went out? Fifth week.
Come on, Jonathan, give me a break.
NOEL: Too early! Thank you, thank you.
Too early. Fifth week.
How did you find the... How did you find the training for Strictly?
Was it easier than you thought, harder than you thought?
Strictly was the best thing and the hardest thing I've ever done.
You know, cos I think I'm a bit of a dancer,
but the thing is, I'm African, we dance with our shoulders.
African people, right, we dance as if...
Have you ever been in a club, Ray, right?
Yeah, I've been in several, yeah. Yeah, if you've ever been in a club,
and you're dancing, right, but at the same time,
you're looking for someone that owes you money or one of your weird exes.
HE CHUCKLES So we sort of go...
LAUGHTER
That's how we dance, shoulders up.
But Strictly tells you the other way.
So when you're doing ballroom dancing, Strictly tells you
you've got to mind your own business,
you've got to be like a tourist crossing Westminster Bridge, just...
LAUGHTER
But you're a fit-looking man.
Presumably, it wasn't a test for you physically, was it?
Yes, it was. Really?
After a week, I just felt everything fall apart.
I didn't even know that my pancreas could start hurting.
LAUGHTER
It was just crazy.
Presumably, you got a lot of new fans from Strictly
who might not have seen your comedy before. Yeah.
Might not have seen you before. Did you feel that impact?
Did people come up to you in the street?
Did you feel a new crowd coming?
Television is a beautiful thing.
When you're growing up, you have all these people
that you admire, and you go, "One day, I'd love to meet them."
And then you get to a stage where, you know,
you get that chance and people want to meet you.
Strictly did that for me, right.
After a while, so many people coming up to me,
"I loved you, you were amazing."
I started getting recognised by everybody.
Then they realised I weren't Ainsley Harriet, and so...
LAUGHTER
That was a bit of an issue, but you know.
What are you like, hey?
I've got Ainsley Harriet, Claudia Winkleman...
LAUGHTER
Do you ever get mistaken for anybody else, Katherine? I do.
And it's an American reference, but you'll know Amy's Baking Company,
from Kitchen Nightmares.
I can kind of see it. Yeah, I get it a lot.
You are distinctly Ray Winstone, has anyone mistook you for anyone else?
Yeah, Brad Pitt. LAUGHTER
Do you know what...
APPLAUSE
..I see it, I see it.
It's there, it's there.
Kids always think I'm Snape.
LAUGHTER
Your own kids included.
I just go with it. I haven't got the heart.
I was gonna say, I feel like I've been reunited
with my Congolese cousin.
This is how Congolese people dress every single... We love colours,
we love fur coats during the summer.
We'd rather die looking this good.
I love it.
You came to the UK when you were eight?
Yeah, when I was eight years old.
Did you speak any English before you came? Yeah.
Two words.
"Yes. Fine." Wow.
It worked for a while. That must have been quite an experience.
Yeah. To come from the Congo, and you came to Fulham, I think?
So, we moved to South London first for a bit, and then God said,
"No, not for you. West London." So, ended up in Fulham.
But the "yes" and "fine"
got me to some spaces.
You know, going to the barber's,
asking me what haircut...
I remember the first barber that I came across,
he was Caribbean, and I love my Caribbean people,
but I couldn't understand a word.
I can't understand straight English, let alone... Yeah.
I remember him saying to me... HE GARBLES
LAUGHTER
I was under pressure, Jonathan. I said, "Yes, fine."
LAUGHTER
The haircut I got, my mum wanted a refund.
He came home with that haircut, he was eight.
Ever since then, since then, I'm allergic to haircuts,
as you can see. But I can imagine it must have been difficult.
When you first came over from Canada,
did you struggle at all with the English idiom?
I dated a lot of ice hockey players,
and they have a language of their own.
LAUGHTER
So I was known as a puck bunny, growing up. A puck bunny.
Which is like a WAG, but for hockey.
And they talk all about, like, your "flow" is your hair,
your "lettuce" is hair.
Noel, you would be known for having quite great flow.
A "grocery stick" is a type of player who is not good.
A "bender" is a player who is not good
because their ankles bend in in their skates.
And they'd just be like...
LACONICALLY: "..hockey hosers, they talk like this.
"I'll have a two-four on the weekend."
They were not bright, but dead sexy.
When you went to America to work,
did people struggle to understand you?
Absolutely, yeah.
But it's fine. The day I left the set on Departed,
and I said, "Ta-ra," to Marty, who was standing there,
"Bye, Marty, I'm off." He said, "Ray, you're going just when
"I started to understand what you was talking about."
I have Irish parents, so I always understood the accent.
As soon as I came here, I understood every regional accent,
I was fine. But my husband came over and didn't understand
what anybody was saying ever. And he...
I'd take him on tour with me, and he'd be like,
"Wow, what country is he from?"
I'd be like, "Leeds. What is wrong with you?"
LAUGHTER
And he still can't even say his own name.
He introduces himself, he goes, "Hello, my name is Bobby."
And everyone calls him Barbie since the movie.
LAUGHTER
I remember the first time I was in New York
and I was doing some shopping, I got to the cashier,
and I was just asking her certain things
and she kept saying to me,
"Oh, my God, can you say that again?"
I thought she couldn't understand
what I was saying, so I repeated myself.
"Oh, my God, you got to say it again."
And she went and called, like, three of her friends,
they've turned up, she's gone, "You've got to hear this."
And I said it again, she goes,
"Oh, my God, you sound like a Black Harry Potter."
LAUGHTER
Do you know what annoyed me?
Of all the Brits! There's Idris Elba, David Beckham.
Yeah. Jonathan Ross!
Harry Potter.
LAUGHTER
OK, Eddie, tell me, you're a very funny man,
we've seen that tonight and people have seen it before,
but you've got a big comedy gala coming up.
Yeah. So when's that happening?
13th March at the Hackney Empire in East London,
one of my favourite venues in the whole world.
You know, so I'm a part of BBC Radio 1Xtra,
and it's their first comedy gala,
with some of my favourite comedians, but just friends, you know.
Babatunde, our mutual friend, you know, absolutely phenomenal.
He's had a great year.
But there's some people that I've grown up on the scene with.
You know, for me, it's all about legacy,
celebrating especially the Black comedy circuit,
which I came off the back of. And so many comedians
who have kind of, you know, done their thing on that level,
and now are being seen, the Mo Gilligans of this world.
So to have people like Kane Brown, you know,
Slim on that as well, Thanyia Moore, then you've got the youngers.
What's really amazing is the fact that we are able
to continue this legacy, and the next generation can come in,
the Ola Labibs of this world.
Then being able to go,
"You know what, anything is possible."
Do you know what I mean, to get to this level.
It doesn't stop with me. Anyone that says you can't
get to a certain level, there is an opportunity,
those who have done it before. That's what it's about.
It's gonna be amazing. Opening the door.
Come on, man.
Erm... What's a night... On sort of a Black comedy night,
cos that's a Black line-up, and I guess you're doing
kind of material which, as you said, is a Black comedy circuit,
how does that differ from the other comedy circuit?
It doesn't, I'll be honest with you.
But at the same time, also, there are cultural differences.
If you go to see an Irish comedian, he's going to talk
about growing up in Ireland. Yeah.
But then, there you've got a mixture of Caribbeans and Africans,
and as an African myself, we often try to look at the nuances.
We're talking about accents here, and when I was growing up, you know,
a lot of people couldn't tell the difference
between different Africans.
A friend of mine came to me when I was younger,
said, "You're African, right?"
POSHER ACCENT: He was British, so sort of speaks like this.
He said, "Ed, you're African, right?"
I said, "I'm African." He goes, "Can you speak African?"
I said, "Africa's not a country, it's a continent."
"Well, I don't know!"
And I had to explain to him the difference between,
for example, a Ghanaian and Nigerian.
Ghanaian people, when they speak, they sort of speak
like they are having an a cappella, it's like they sing.
MELODICALLY: "Hel-lo Ray Win-stone.
"Hey, look at this tan-ta-lising coat, yes.
"I really like it, I really..."
Nigerians... I don't want to get in trouble,
cos I've got some Nigerian... I'm gonna be a bit more diplomatic.
Nigerians use...
They speak like they're speaking in capital letters. Yeah.
Nigerians will be nice to you, but you will feel like...
FORCEFULLY: "Look at you, you look wonderful!"
And the thing is, if you put it on mute,
it looks like we're fighting.
LAUGHTER
So, it's just about those conversations.
And I think Britain is the melting pot of the world,
and sometimes, you want to go to different rooms
to learn about your next-door neighbours, man,
and that's an opportunity. But I'm from South London as well,
and I remember the first posh party that I ever went to,
and a guy, I thought he was saying "ears" all the time. Right.
"Ears. Ears." He was saying, "Yes."
LAUGHTER
"Why does he keep saying ears?"
I can imagine you doing this the whole night.
I was like, "Why is he talking about my ears?"
"Ears."
LAUGHTER
We have exciting news.
You're going back on tour. Yes!
I'm going back on tour, because I'm not pregnant this year.
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna do UK and European, and some America tour,
and the tickets go on sale Friday March 1st.
And so I'm really excited to be away from my family.
There they are, Katherine Ryan, UK tour.
You know what's cool about that poster, right... What?
..it's just got your name on it and the picture of you.
It's like... you don't need anything else.
It's like, "I'll be there." "Bang, have that."
OK. We're gonna take a break, but don't go away,
because in a few moments, hopefully,
Eddie is going to try and teach us something special,
and The Vaccines will be performing live here in the studio
at the end of the show. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show, everyone.
We've got The Vaccines performing live in a few minutes.
But first, all my guests are still here.
Let's go to you, Katherine, because apparently,
you spent Valentine's Day with royalty? I did.
Who were you with from the royal family?
I was with Queen Camilla on Valentine's Day. Wow.
And I know that you're supposed to bow or curtsey,
but in the moment, I got it wrong, and it was Valentine's,
and I bowed, like, the grandest bow when I met her,
I sort of did almost a ballet-like sidestep,
step to the back, and then all the way down.
LAUGHTER
That is, I mean... Did you have pants on this time?
LAUGHTER
Noel, have you met the royal family?
You must be a weird animal to them, I would have thought.
LAUGHTER
Don't say that, I'll be on a plaque on their wall.
LAUGHTER
You'll be served at Sandringham with an orange in your mouth.
Eddie, you met any of the royals? No, no.
I'm just happy they let me in the country, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
OK.
Ray, let's go back to you,
because Ray has an exciting new TV show coming out,
and I'm genuinely excited about this,
cos I love the movie it's based on. Yeah.
Same team behind it, Guy Ritchie is producing, I believe.
Absolutely, yeah. It's called The Gentlemen.
What can you tell us about this? I was gonna work for Guy years ago.
I was gonna do Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,
then it got put on hold and me and Guy fell out,
you know, as you do when you're younger.
We had a few words, you know, and I went on my way,
and we fell out again.
And then, over the years, people said, "You know..."
And I love his films, I mean, watching his films,
you know a Guy Ritchie film, you're entertained by it, you know.
So, he's a good film-maker, blinding film-maker, actually.
And we finally got together, when this offer come up,
I went, "Yeah, you know, I'm a grown-up now. Come on."
Bury the hatchet, as they say.
LAUGHTER And so, we met, and you know,
he said, "Are we all right now?" And I said, "Yes, we are."
And we had a little cuddle.
And I've got to tell you, it was the best thing,
because I really enjoyed the job, you know.
He directed the first one, you know.
And this wonderful picnic we had in the garden.
I think you've had a little taste of his barbecue. No.
I was... I noticed... I'm gonna show you a quick clip of it,
but I noticed that where you're filming it,
there's a kind of lavish barbecue outside. Yeah.
And in the first film, The Gentlemen,
there's a really beautiful scene
around a really expensive-looking barbecue outside,
and the Hugh Grant character,
he was in the first one, "Nice barbecue."
And the American guy goes, "Thank you." Yeah.
And then I noticed in the Beckham thing -
Guy Ritchie are Beckham are close - Beckham is showing off his barbecue.
So I looked online, guess who makes the barbecue?
Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie, right. That is true.
Using his films to promote his barbecue!
I bet he gave David a barbecue.
I bet he gave David one. Did he give you one?
No. I bet Hugh Grant has. Have you had one yet from him?
No!
EDDIE: I need to get in this film. It's a liberty, innit?
LAUGHTER
This is a clip from the new Guy Ritchie production,
it's called The Gentlemen, it's on Netflix from 7th March,
starring Ray Winstone.
No-one walks away, and it's down to you to keep him under manners.
Ah! These are serious people.
HE CLUCKS They appear to be house-trained.
Don't be deceived by the facade.
In order to stop ourselves being associated with criminals...
Go on!
..we are going to become... criminals?
We're not criminals, Freddie.
APPLAUSE
Eddie... My guy.
So, before the show, we were outside
and you were showing me a way to walk like the Sapeurs.
Yes, the Sapeurs the gentlemens of Congo.
The Congo gentlemen who are amazingly well-dressed,
very stylish, and we were doing the stagger.
You have the rhythm and the moves. I wonder whether you could teach us,
either a bit of dance, from Strictly if you want,
or kind of Congolese moves. What are you...?
I think we should take it to Strictly Come Congo, to be fair.
Strictly Congo Dancing. Yeah.
So, here's the thing, right, as I said before, guys,
you've got to dance like you're looking for that weird ex.
You've got to look paranoid.
But with Congo, it's all about the hips.
Right, it's all about the hips.
You've got to feel the hips, you've got to feel the hips.
OK.
LAUGHTER
So, who feels like they have got the energy for this?
I got this. I'm a bit worried about that bit.
And then I'm looking for my ex.
Oh, that's a nice one. I've seen my auntie do that.
Ooh, ooh! Hold on.
CHEERING
You like that? You're Congolese.
I think I'll leave it to the professional.
But also, here's the thing, right, when we're doing it...
Oh, that's a...
LAUGHTER
Jonathan's constipated.
So, here we go. So, fold the arms, right? Fold them.
Yeah, look very serious. That's the one.
And then just feel the hips. Can you feel the hips?
Nothing else. Mannequin challenge. Are you moving yours now?
I'm not moving at all. Now feel the hips.
Tremble 'em, like that? Feel the hips.
CONGOLESE MUSIC Let's go, let's go.
Lower, lower, lower.
Lower, lower.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
I'll give you a ten. I'll tell you what,
I feel that in my knees.
You might have felt that in your pancreas as well.
I've never been more turned on in my life.
LAUGHTER
Says the Congolese.
That was the most exercise I've done for about a month. This is it.
So, thank you all for being here,
it was so much fun spending time with you.
Thank you to all my guests. Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Winstone!
Thank you. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
The fabulous Katherine Ryan right here!
Mr Noel Fielding! Watch his new show, it's great.
And of course, Eddie Kadi!
Go and see him live if you can.
We're not here next week, we've got a week off
because the Brits are on all Saturday night next week,
so watch that. Join me again on March 9th,
when we've got a great line-up for you.
Millie Bobby Brown will be here,
Luke "the Nuke" Littler from the world of darts,
Rob Beckett will be here,
and we've got music from not only Raye
but also John Squire and Liam Gallagher together here.
So, that's going to be a great show. Now, this evening,
we're gonna finish in style with Heartbreak Kid,
it is The Vaccines!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
# You heavy hitter When you cried on the sky
# You made it glitter The moon in your eye
# You were childlike But you didn't care
# So now you scream it Saying this is goodbye
# But you don't mean it
# Always calling your bluff Why believe it?
# There isn't the time
# People like us think we got All the time in the world
# Let your heart break, kid Let your heart break, kid
# Till you're feeling it
# Let your heart break, kid
# Oh, you never thought They'd leave you, but they did
# Now everybody calls you The heartbreak kid
# You can't believe They really called it quits
# And you never thought that you Would be the heartbreak kid
# You got undressed
# You stepped into the fire Out of protest
# Now everything burns And you blew it
# It was right on your lips
# So now you're waiting It's a function of time oscillating
# You've got nowhere to go When you're growing
# The road never ends
# People like us think we got All the time in the world
# Let your heart break, kid Let your heart break, kid
# Till you're feeling it
# Let your heart break, kid
# Oh, you never thought They'd leave you, but they did
# Now everybody calls you The heartbreak kid
# You can't believe They really called it quits
# And you never thought that you Would be the heartbreak kid
# People like us think we got All the time in the world
# But we ain't got all the time In the world
# Let your heart break, kid Let your heart break, kid
# Till you're feeling it
# Let your heart break, kid
# Oh, you never thought They'd leave you, but they did
# Now everybody calls you The heartbreak kid
# You can't believe They really called it quits
# And you never thought that you Would be the heartbreak kid. #
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com