CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, good evening, everyone.
Thank you for joining us here in the studio and at home as well.
Welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
I'm your host for the evening, although the way things are going,
I might be Chancellor by the end of the week, so...
LAUGHTER
We've got a great show lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my Green Room.
We've got the star of the catwalk and the big screen,
it's Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Along with her, the brilliantly funny comedian Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Also on the show,
double Olympic gold medal list and British icon,
the one and only Dame Kelly Holmes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A brilliant rising star of the comedy scene,
Mr Chris McCausland.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And I'm super excited about this guest,
one of the greatest film composers of all time.
Multi-Oscar winner Hans Zimmer, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And as if that weren't enough, we've got a British TV exclusive.
I'm very excited about this.
This is their first new music in four years,
performing for us at the end of the show,
the incredible Arctic Monkeys!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's the show.
So, fairly quickly, before that,
here's some of my favourite stories from this week.
When it comes to food,
us Brits love nothing more than a curry, am I right?
AUDIENCE WHOOP
I saw online that someone was served an unusual korma this week.
What do you think is the worst thing you could find in your food
in a restaurant as they gave it to you?
AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT A hair, maybe a maggot.
A fly, something like that. No.
This person was served something even worse.
They got Boris Johnson. Look at this.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't know about you, but I think that's the tidiest he's ever looked.
And the tastiest.
It's been a bad week for the government, of course.
But if you're watching, Liz Truss,
I think I've found someone who's had an even worse week than you.
I don't know how it happened, but apparently,
this young man you're about to see,
he accidentally swallowed his dog's toy.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
I mean, let's not think about how it might've happened.
LAUGHTER
You might think he wouldn't want people to know,
but it was impossible to keep it a secret.
Take a look at this.
WOMAN: Are you OK?
HE LAUGHS, TOY SQUEAKS
BREATHES IN DEEPLY, PROLONGED SQUEAK
APPLAUSE
I feel sorry for him.
OK, as I said, it's a packed show. So let's get it started.
We'll spread our guests out throughout the evening,
but kicking us off in style, please welcome Dame Kelly Holmes,
Chris McCausland And Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Rosie.
Lovely to see you. Hello.
Kelly, how are you?
Sit yourselves down.
OK, I'm just gonna point something out.
In case you don't know, in case you haven't seen Chris on TV before,
you would have seen Dame Kelly helping him on there.
Chris is blind. Ancl Kelly's got six-inch heels on.
So we're lucky to make it here. LAUGHTER
I was saying, don't put any responsibility into me,
walking with heels with you behind me
up and down steps! I know.
Where there's blame, there's a claim, KelL
First of all, I've got to say, I'm so thrilled you're here, Kelly.
Genuinely, she is a British icon, isn't she, ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm sure you know this...
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
I'm sure you know this, but Dame Kelly was the first woman
to win two golds at the Olympics in athletics for the UK.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
We had Dina Asher-Smith on the show a while ago.
She's doing amazingly well for her country, she's great.
She was telling me how you were the one she looked up to.
That's so sweet. You were her kind of, like, inspirational figure.
Do get that from a lot of sports kids?
The young people, do they talk to you about this?
Yeah, I do.
And, you know, I don't think you realise the impact that you have,
obviously, cos you do it for yourself, you want this bit.
Ancl over the years, of course, I've been retired.
Ancl I'm more surprised now by the young kids
that still say they were inspired by my dream.
Cos I think it goes through generational change.
It was their parents or their teachers
that's instilled in them the kind of Dame Kelly Holmes effect.
So, like, the Lionesses, there's a few of them who...
Brilliant Lionesses. Come on, we've got to cheer them!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, the Lionesses! Come on, the Lionesses.
Rosie, have you got any heroes? Who inspired you?
Oh, I grew up in the '90s, so the Spice Girls, of course,
were, like, big. APPLAUSE
Zigazig, ah! Yeah.
But I just remember my bedroom walls
being adorned with, like, photographs from fashion magazines,
cos I knew I wanted to work in fashion
from a really young age.
I'd just get all the magazines and I'd take the pictures out.
It was really covered with fashion photography
and supermodels and all of those kind of things.
And, Chris, what about you? Heroes when you were young.
Erm, when I was...
Do you know, cos me and Kell did the, er...
we did the jubilee open-top bus tour, didn't we?
Yeah, that was brilliant.
And it was just like everybody from my childhood was there.
It was like the most surreal experience.
In the space of five minutes,
I met Floella Benjamin, johnny Ball and Matthew Kelly.
LAUGHTER
They could've been people taking the piss
and doing impressions in front of me, who knows?
LAUGHTER
Kelly, let me go back to your achievements,
cos I didn't realise this, when you won those golds in Athens,
which was 2004, I think, you were 34, I think, weren't you?
Ha, yeah. No, that's amazing.
Because most sports people can't still compete
at that level at that age. That's very rare, isn't it?
Well, the thing is, because I went into the army,
I gave up my junior international career to compete.
So I came back into senior athletics as an international athlete
while I was a really strong, powerful soldier, let's say.
So actually, I started about 23. Ancl I just had a longer career.
But, yeah, I mean, you know, I hate age.
I mean, 34, why did you have to say that?
Cos everyone's gonna go, "2004, 34, bloody hell."
But when you went out there, were you confident you had a chance,
or did you think that might be a factor working against you?
I think the story of my whole career and life was injuries.
I was riddled with them.
So, for 12 years as an international athlete,
I had seven years of extreme injuries,
yet I won 13 international medals. Wow.
So, it was all about I knew I could do it.
You know, and I think...
Listen, we talk a lot about mental health in society now,
for me, I had a really bad, bad mental health problem when I was 33.
I had a big breakdown. Really?
So the year before? Yeah.
I'd had a lot of issues that I was suppressing,
and then also with injuries.
And having a breakdown, becoming what I did, self-harmer,
and then losing the plot,
made me realise that I've got nothing else to lose, really.
Because I was still in the game. So, for me, that was empowering.
To not want to be somewhere and have in your head, half of you...
This isn't exaggerating, but half of you wanting to die
and half of you wanting to live because I had my dream,
which was to be Olympic champion. And that was why I did what I did.
Ancl I just knew that in 2004, I couldn't go any lower.
I was still fighting.
I had so many injury problems, yet I won so many medals.
So that's that whole bringing people onside
and talking to people and letting them know
you need your help, it was a game changer for me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've always thought of you
as one of the strongest people I've been aware of.
You know, the mental strength you need to go out there
and compete and stay focused and do that.
So I would never have known that you had those problems.
And I suspect that probably made it even harder for you,
the fact that we all thought you were just on it
and you didn't have the sort of problems that others have.
You know, and I had a lot of other issues, as you know,
that I was suppressing, with not being open as a gay woman,
which I've only announced in June this year,
after 34 years of fear.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But you're in a good place right now, aren't you?
Yeah, I really am.
Some people might not know this story,
but I did a documentary in June called Kelly Holmes: Being Me,
and it was really talking about the journey that I went through.
And there's a particular angle of your life or an area of your life
that impacted that, which I'll come back to later on.
I want to talk to you about that some more.
First I want to go back to... I'm gonna bring Chris in here.
Chris, Kelly won her medals, I think,
was it three years ago we've decided now?
Yeah, it was only three years ago. LAUGHTER
When you were in your mid-20s? Yeah, yeah.
And it was in Athens. You've just been filming in Athens.
You've done a Channel 4 travel show, I believe. Yes.
You visited Athens. Tell us the name of the show.
So, the show is called The Wonders Of The World I Can't See
because it's... LAUGHTER
Well, it's quite a clever concept, you see.
It's the Wonders of the World and I can't see, Jonathan.
LAUGHTER
So, does what it says on the tin, doesn't it?
Has it started yet, or is it starting soon?
It's gonna be... Do you know, it's gonna be on in the New Year.
There's no exact date yet, but early in the New Year.
OK, sometime in the New Year. Have a look at this.
I mean, I get the point.
You know, you can't see it, so what we really want
is a kind of relief map of the Parthenon and the Acropolis.
Oh, I've found one.
So this, just cast your fingers over this.
Let's have a look.
This is just bumps, mate.
No, come on. Yeah, so what is it?
I mean, shut your eyes. Shut your eyes.
Give me your hand. Where are you?
Oh, here.
Tell me on here, with your hands,
you tell me what you think them bits are without looking at it.
Er... It's just bumps, innit.
It's like feeling my wife's back. CHRIS LAUGHS
No, it's...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's in trouble.
He's in trouble when he gets home.
Ancl I think what that proves, Jonathan,
is either that was just bumps or Harry Hill's wife
has got a rather accurate map of the Parthenon.
Do people react differently to blind people
in different parts of the world?
Do they treat you differently depending on the country they're in?
You know, are they awkward around you?
Do you find it...?
Is there a difficulty that just comes from them?
No, I mean, even in this country, like, people...
I thank maybe cos in this clay and age,
you know, people are very worried about the words they say
and they don't want to offend,
and for some reason people don't think they can say the word blind.
I've had people saying, "So, have you always been, erm...
"optically malfunctioning?" LAUGHTER
It's just blind. just say blind.
"Oh, can I say that?" "Yeah, you can."
You weren't blind, you weren't born blind, where you?
No, but I was born with it.
Like, it's genetic, so I was born with it.
My eyesight was, erm, really great when I was a baby
and I couldn't do anything, which is fucking typical.
LAUGHTER
I mean, it would have been better if I started off with nothing
and then got it back slowly, wouldn't it?
But it just deteriorated very, very gradually.
And do you...? Can you read braille?
No. LAUGHTER
I mean, I don't... I'm really shit, to be honest.
I don't read braille.
I mean, there's a lot of, kind of, things you would assume.
My hearing's not better than everybody else's.
I can't tune a piano.
But I do make a very tender lover.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rosie, it's lovely to have you back.
Last time you were on, it was a long while ago.
Ten years. So, yeah.
You had just launched a line with M&S, I think. Yeah.
Of underwear. Yeah.
Which has been phenomenally successful, hasn't it?
Are you a big fan? Well, I'm wearing...
I'm wearing the bra right now. It's giving me a nice lift.
Chris, if only you could see. I look spectacular.
Not just any bra, Jonathan. Exactly!
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But I read, this is how successful that line has been,
I read that one item from your range sells every 30 seconds in M&S.
That's the statistic, yeah. So they've been...
It must be even more successful than you'd hoped it might be.
Well, I'm still here ten years later,
so I think it... I think it's doing pretty well.
And do customers, if people buy your stuff,
if you're out and about, do they tell you that you're wearing it?
Yeah. Do they give you feedback?
I frequently get flashed.
Like, all the time by lovely ladies. Ancl I love it, it's sort of...
It's always like a kind of icebreaker
and a really funny moment, lots of girls coming up to me
in the bathrooms when I'm out and about in the evening,
so it's nice, it's good.
They show you a bra strap and go, "It's one of yours"?
They open their bag, show me their make-up,
some of my make-up or, you know... Wow.
So it's good, yes.
That's the new thing you're doing, the make-up range? Yeah, yeah.
And people are gonna think, whenever someone who is famous
from another area goes into that kind of thing,
how much they do themselves, how involved are they really?
How involved are you in, for example, the make-up?
How much input do you have? I'm across the board.
I'm the founder of the brand, of Rose Inc,
which I launched last year.
And, erm, I'm involved in every aspect of it,
from the business side of things through to the creative,
the marketing, the formulations. You work with the scientists
to recreate your own version of something.
Do the scientists, do they have lots of different gunk
for you to, sort of, like...? LAUGHTER
You know, like bubbling vats? Sort of.
It's a little more refined than that when it gets to me.
You kind of get a sample of something
or you kind of set the brief of the product that you want to create
and your talk to the team about it and they'll go away and send things.
You end up with a sort of product
and you do tons and tons of iterations of something.
So you say, "I'd like it like this but a little bit more glitter,
"a little more shimmer or a little more matte or creamy."
You go round and round like this for two years.
You're like Willy Wonka. Yes, exactly.
Just like Willy Wonka. Can I...?
I've got to ask you about, cos you may or may not know this,
but Rosie's partner is very famous,
I'm a big fan of his movies, Jason Statham,
who you've been with for many years now.
And here's my question. Does he get involved in this?
When you're working on, like, new underwear, does he get involved?
Actually, that sounds wrong, doesn't it?
OK, let's talk about the make-up. Does he get involved?
Does he have any input there? Do you get his advice?
He does, actually. Jason, like, loves creative.
He's, like, somebody that I always go to for anything
when it comes to interiors
or anything to do with art or architecture,
he's really obsessed with it. Furniture.
Ancl so as we were creating the packaging,
he was really, kind of, inform...
You know, I was really, erm, in touch with him about that
and we talked a lot about it.
He loves all the details of everything.
Do you know what? I'm sitting here thinking,
I'm like, my posture, sort of thing, like.
Because I'm... Why am I sat next to you?!
Look at the height difference!
I'm thinking, "God, I've got to sit up."
Don't worry, we'll bring Hans Zimmer in,
he doesn't look anything like Rosie.
We're gonna take a break.
Afterwards, we will be joined by Hans Zimmer. Don't go away.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
As I said earlier, I'm very excited he's here.
He is one of the most successful movie composers
in the history of cinema.
And, you know, it's a crucial part of the film,
because the right score can turn a bad film into a good film,
a good film into a great film and a great film into a masterpiece.
He's been responsible for more than his fair share of masterpieces.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen the one and only Mr Hans Zimmer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Great to have you here. Come and sit down.
Nice to see you.
I can do that. We know each other.
Well, I know you've met everyone backstage,
but you've met Rosie in the past. When did you first meet?
We met about eight years ago. I think about eight years ago, yeah.
I'm trying to stay young. Yeah, I know.
You met at some sort of event, weren't you?
Hans has shared a photograph of them at this event.
It was, ostensibly, a shoot we were invited to.
I was told by our host,
"Make an effort, get dressed." Yes. You know.
He likes an outfit. So now you know.
This is Hans when he went for a quiet weekend at a friend's house.
LAUGHTER
Do you remember that? Yeah.
How can you forget?
I think it was the butt of many jokes.
Did you have the lederhosen already or did you buy 'em specially?
I actually bought them specially.
No, come on, when a friend asks you to go and make an effort,
you go and make an effort. You go and buy some lederhosen.
Absolutely. Yeah.
We obviously have to talk about your film scores.
Are you guys a fan of his work?
I mean, you would know his work, even if you don't know it.
Are you a fan, Chris? I love it, Jonathan.
Hans, I mean, it's lovely to meet you,
but I've got so much of your stuff on vinyl at home.
I love it all.
I have a feeling I'm your favourite part of the movie.
LAUGHTER
Absolutely!
Absolutely. Honestly, I've got... I've got albums for film scores
for films I've never even bothered to watch.
That's an interesting area, because presumably,
obviously without sight,
is it the music that excites you more at the cinema?
Do you know what? It's like I... Look, I love music.
But the thing with film scores is it's, erm...
It's not just like playing music, it's like playing with music.
It's stretching boundaries and bringing in ambience,
things that aren't even instruments ancl creating these soundscapes.
And, erm, so I've got tons of your stuff.
I can't believe you're gonna be my new best mate.
LAUGHTER
Well, you say that,
but wait till you see what he wears when he turns up.
We were talking before the show,
and I know you're a huge Lion King fan.
Yes. Which, of course, is one of Hans'.
I mean, what a movie. That piece.
We were gonna try and do it, weren't we?
THEY SING
I'd better not do that, I probably will get cancel led.
Do you know, whenever I hear it, it sounds to me like it's going...
# Arsene Wenger! # LAUGHTER
How did you know? # Arsene Wenger! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rosie, I know you're a fan and a friend, of course.
Do you have a favourite Hans Zimmer score?
Erm, I was thinking about that.
Lion King, for sure, because obviously
that was a movie growing up for me,
and now what's so fun as a mum is to revisit that.
My son and I must have listened to it, like, a hundred times
over the last few years, particularly the Scar song
with the hyenas, he loves that one.
But I think one of my favourites would be True Romance. Oh, yes.
That would be one of my favourites as well. Yeah.
But The Lion King is important,
but because the truth is, I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to do fuzzy animals and I don't like Broadway musicals.
But I had, at the time, a six-year-old daughter,
and I can take my little girl to a premiere,
as opposed to, you know, a Tony Scott True Romance bloodbath.
Yeah. Erm...
So that's really why I did it.
But, I mean, the strange thing about it.
There's, like, a serious side to this, though.
My dad died when I was really young.
And I'm sitting in front of this cartoon,
with fuzzy animals,
and it's all about the death of a father, and...
Sol had to go and unpack all this.
And...
And I really think children...
children don't get over trauma,
they just know how to hide it really well.
Mm. And so...
If you actually listen to Lion King,
other than the Hakuna Mat at a
it's actually pretty serious stuff,
because I sort of wrote a requiem for my dad.
Turned out all right.
LAUGHTER
OK, I've got a list.
The scope of Hans' work is extraordinary.
Here's a list of just some of the films
that he has composed the scores for.
Rain Man, of course, way back in 1988, The Lion King,
Gladiator. What a piece that was. The Last Samurai.
The Da Vinci Code.
Pirates Of The Caribbean, I know you didn't do all of them.
Batman Begins, and, of course, The Dark Knight,
with The joker in.
The Dark Knight is my favourite of the Christopher Nolan Batman movies.
It must be strange, because you're giving a big chunk of yourself
to a project you don't have final say over the finished... item.
I mean, that is still always the director, I guess.
It is.
But the way I work with Chris Nolan,
we have this weird way of working, by...
Like, he tells me the story...
You know the thing about Interstellar?
You know...
I'll tell you.
Sol rung Chris, and he goes, "Listen...
"if I...
If he were to write something,
just write me a letter
with just a metaphorical story,
it had nothing to do with the movie.
He would never tell me what the movie was about.
But I'd give him a day and just write whatever came to me.
You know.
You would compose based not on the script...
just on this...
Idea. So this letter arrived.
And I...
There was this beautiful story
about what it meant to be a father, and...
I spent a day writing it,
writing, and I phoned his house.
About 10 o'clock at night on Sunday.
His wife answered, and I said,
"Emma, I've done it, do you want me to send it over?"
She goes, "Chris is curiously antsy.
"He's pacing up and down. Do you mind if he comes over?"
So he came over and he sat down, on the couch, and I said
OK, I'll play it to you. And I played him this fragile little piece
that I'd written about my son really.
About my son.
And...
I get to the end of it, and I'm going,
"So, what do you think, Chris?"
"Well, I'd better make the movie, then."
I'm going, what is the movie?
And he started telling about space and huge
and epic and all this.
And finally, I'm going, stop, stop.
I've written this tiny, little, little thing.
You know, this really fragile, personal thing.
And he goes, "I know where the heart of the movie is now."
So that's how we... That's how we worked through the whole movie.
So that's a true collaboration? Yeah.
Chris, you play... I have a question.
Are Christopher Nolan's letters as confusing as some of his films?
Get a quarter of the way through and go, "What's going...?"
I mean, only Tenet, I found Tenet quite confusing.
Try it with audio description, mate.
LAUGHTER
Honestly.
APPLAUSE
But I love what you did in Inception.
I know it's been talked about a lot now,
but it's incredible, because it kind of works
on a different level for the audience.
It became a... It became a cliche.
It became the sort of "brrr" sound.
Yeah, everyone used "brrr". Exactly.
Is that your fault?
It's entirely my fault.
But what is not my fault
is that every trailer started to use it.
And it kept driving me crazy.
Because with us it's a story point.
It tells a story.
With trailers, it's just...
They didn't know what to use to hide their cuts.
It's just a device.
Yeah, but it's still a great device.
I love to think in the studio as well, Hans,
it's just you going, "Brrr."
No, I... Into a microphone.
No, actually I just had all these crazy brass players,
who just have a lot of courage.
And I put a piano in the middle,
put a brick on the pedal,
and just said to these brass players, just play into the piano.
In a big church.
So they are blowing their brass instruments into the piano?
Yeah. And the strings are vibrating. Wow.
So that's where you get "brrr". Amazing.
Not if you had to clean the piano afterwards.
A lot of spit in there.
Hans is obviously an enormous talent,
but incredible storyteller as well. If you haven't seen it already,
there's a documentary the BBC have made.
It's already gone out, but it's on iPlayer.
It's called Hollywood Rebel. Here's a clip.
I used to be so afraid of being on stage,
but nowadays, it was just like
a dinner party with 12,000 people.
Just having a chat.
He's basically had a midlife crisis and become a rock star.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You must be pleased with that.
Not bad.
Amazing.
And also, I just remembered,
Hans is going back on tour. He will be back here in the UK,
you're doing one or two nights in London?
And you're doing Manchester.
And then going over to Ireland to do Dublin.
Absolutely. When's that, next summer?
Yeah, I never...
I never know the dates, because it terrifies me to know dates.
I'll tell you, it's Friday, 16 June
in Manchester.
Not much of a friend, are you?
I'm coming to see it. I can't wait to see you do a full...
Cos I've seen you perform before, but not a whole concert.
Who's the greatest composer of film scores for you?
Emf to Morflcone.
I mean, just listen...
APPLAUSE
I mean...
You know, I mean,
he's done magnificent movies,
he's done crap movies that he elevated to...
I think the crap movies that have his music
have the best scores.
I'm gonna tell you something.
When you get a crap movie,
it frees you.
It lets you write the most wonderful things.
Because you're the only good thing happening.
Ah, it's amazing.
OK, we're gonna take another break, but don't go away.
Because the very funny Sara Pascoe
will be joining us right here in a couple of minutes.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
She is one of the very best comedians around right now.
I'm thrilled she's back on the show, it's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING
WHISTLING
Hello.
Hello, Sara.
Such a brilliant show.
Thank you for joining us. Hello, Jonathan.
It's great to have you back, and you are...
Are you currently or you're about to start or in the middle of your tour?
About to start the tour, the exciting bit.
It's called Success Story.
Do you have a theme this time?
Is it about one particular topic?
Two things.
Because I started thinking about success a lot,
when I was doing IVF,
because they talk a lot about success rates. And...
Which is quite a strange word to use.
Exactly, and I had a miscarriage, which I wasn't gonna mention,
but when Dame Kelly started talking about mental health,
"I'm gonna talk about my miscarriage."
They called it an unsuccessful pregnancy.
Which is such an odd term. And I thought, I can make that funny.
Ancl I couldn't.
LAUGHTER
So it's not in the show.
I believe your appearance on this show gets a mention in the tour.
Yes. You talk about your time here.
I hope it's not a negative. It's pretty negative for me.
I always used to talk about my mum a lot in my stand-up.
She's a really funny, lovely, LOVELY woman.
But she's funny without meaning to be,
and I told a story, I was sitting on this sofa
between Jeremy Clarks on and Emma Bunton.
Which is weird, because that's also the two ends of my personality.
I was telling the story about my mum at my sister's wedding.
She wore a white dress, that's the short version.
Ancl that was the reveal at the end.
And Emma Bunton, she's 'gust a perfect co-guest.
Just like you guys. You know, nodding, listening.
Ancl at the end, where I revealed my mum wore a white dress,
she went, "Ah!"
She knew it's very unlucky, very untraditional.
Ancl I thought the show had gone quite well,
so I was looking forward to it coming out.
And I got a phone call from my mum which opened with
"Well, Baby Spice can go fuck herself."
Wow.
I know a lot of the material. You mentioned that you are a mum.
I know there's quite a lot of material in the show about it.
How old is your son now? Eight months.
Eight months, so still a baby? Well, yeah.
He is, yeah. And how are you finding that?
Is it everything you hoped for?
It's like being madly in love
with a broken car alarm.
It's a really, really strange...
When other people talk about their kids, it was like,
"I'm not going to have one of those ones that doesn't sleep."
And, yeah, he doesn't sleep.
He's brilliant, but it's really hard.
So, when you say he doesn't sleep,
how long does it take you to get him down?
And what time does he wake up?
He wakes up on the hour.
The trouble with talking about it is I know
people will message me now with tips.
Please, we've tried everything.
Just adopt the baby.
Erm...
Every hour,
but sometimes every 20 minutes until midnight.
Rosie, you had your second baby, was it this year?
Yeah, she's also eight months. Yeah.
And how is she sleeping?
Please say she's sleeping right through the night.
She is, but...
My son, my first, was the same.
It was really hard for a good...
He is five now.
Ancl now he sleeps like a log.
You've got another four years, that's all.
We did sleep train him, which I'm sure
you'll get loads of people messaging.
How do you sleep train someone?
Well... It's probably... It's quite controversial.
But you let them, sort of, cry out a little bit,
and you go in and sooth them, but from a distance,
and then you go back. But it works.
They know you're there, they feel safe,
but they're not rewarded for crying.
You're not holding them and snuggling them.
It's so hard! It's really hard.
We talked about it at a gig the other day, didn't we, Chris? Yeah.
We did the same thing,
but the sleep training where you don't let them cry,
and you have to just slowly, over a period of nights,
work your way further away from the cot.
And I remember lying, at one point,
with my legs in the hall and my head in the bedroom.
Just going, "Shh!" We've all been there.
"Go to sleep, baby."
Doing the worm downstairs. Oh, yeah.
It's ridiculous. I-I don't have children,
and I'm thinking, "Thank God."
I mean, like, I have nieces and nephews, though.
But you've got alpacas. Yeah, I have alpacas.
They must be even more work. They're my boys.
How do they sleep? How do they sleep?
They don't. They sleep standing up. Like, literally.
They could be outside in all weathers.
How many alpacas do you have? I have five now.
Yeah, there was six. One passed away in lockdown, bless.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 13. Look.
AUDIENCE: AW! How big is an alpaca?
I've got... In my head, it could be a cat or a horse.
LAUGHTER Don't think I've ever seen one.
About the same size as a llama.
Smaller than a llama, that everyone calls them.
Smaller than a llama.
I've had this conversation with you. Ooh, sorry, Kelly, bloody hell!
I'm just trying to help Chris out here.
This has made it more confusing, hasn't it?
Hans, obviously we talk about everyone...
Sara's about to go out in front of the large audiences,
Chris is doing it as well. What are your audiences like?
What do you see, when you're looking down from the stage,
what sort of crowd you have?
Ah, this could be career ruiner.
Erm... No, I'm always interested because,
what happens is, the first four rows is rich people, right.
The best, the most expensive seats. Most expensive seats.
Ancl the fans are always on time, right, I mean, they're all there.
In the first four rows, there's always somebody coming in late.
Like, eight minutes into your set
and somebody's going, "Excuse me, excuse me."
Elon Musk coming in. Yeah, exactly.
So, erm, Nile Marr, johnny Marr's son,
who is one of my guitarists in the band,
erm, and I, we have started this trend of picking on those people.
The best one was, there was a girl sitting in the front row,
she's like, she's texting.
We literally stop. Nile and I are just looking.
Ancl after a while, the audience is noticing what we're doing.
It's totally silent, she's texting away.
Doesn't even realise the music has stopped.
And then...
she looks around, and she sees that 12,000 people are looking at her.
Ancl she's dying, basically.
But, you know, erm...
Of course, because it was the expensive ticket,
she was one of those people who have the ticket of
"meet the artist afterwards".
Oh! AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Awkward? LAUGHTER
But, Rosie, what's it like for you, when you're cat walking,
that must be quite weird.
It's sort of an audience,
but it isn't like a performance with the audience thing.
But you must be very aware of them, I would have thought?
Yeah, yeah, you are. I mean, some shows are different.
So, for instance, high fashion, it's straight down.
You've got to keep... Your not allowed to smile,
you have to look like you're really pissed off about something.
That's pretty easy for me. LAUGHTER
Yeah, basically. Do they tell you not to smile?
Well, you usually get instructions before...
As the girls are all in line up backstage,
there's usually a board with a load of pretentious jargon on it
like, "You're walking down the park and you should be light and airy.
"But look really miserable and unhappy."
So, you get these sort of directions
for what the designer's kind of got in mind. But, yeah.
Have you had any particularly confusing directions?
Well, there always confusing, cos they're completely contradictory.
Ultimately, all the girls always look the same, sort of grumpy and...
You are a fish in football boots on a good day.
Kelly, earlier on, when you were talking about your time in the army,
and we're gonna take a moment out of the show here
where we let Kelly share something with us.
I know there's something important you're involved in right now.
Yes. And it ties into what you went through
when you were in the Armed Forces.
So, I'm gonna let you take the stage now and tell us.
OK. So, I'm currently involved in a independent review
of the mistreatment of LGBT veterans in the army,
between 1967 and the year 2000, when the ban was lifted.
It was illegal to be gay...?
Yeah. So, from my point of view,
why I didn't come out as a gay woman untiljune is because, erm,
I lived through that ban.
Ancl I had one of the raids that you have.
So, a raid means that you'd get the RMP, Royal Military Police,
or the SIB, come into your barracks,
completely destroy... Imagine your own house,
and you've gone back and it's been ransacked by burglars.
They're in your space, but in front of you,
ripping up everything, looking for any evidence
to suggest that you could be having a relationship with someone.
Right, it's humiliating, it's degrading,
it's embarrassing, it's frightening.
So, my best friend, my sister will be writing letters,
"Love Kerry", "Love Lisa". You'd have to hide anything
that had any suggestion, even though they're my best friends and that,
and hide them. But...
that fear was instilled in me from, I joined just before I was 17,
it was instilled in me from that clay.
Ancl I always thought that I could still be jailed.
Ancl when I say that, there's other veterans who were raided,
who may of been found out to be gay, or not.
Heterosexual people this has affected as well.
They were jailed for it? Yeah.
So... SIGHS
There's reports coming through now, there was verbal and sexual abuse.
Ancl by sexual, I mean the worst abuse, by blackmail.
Erm, loss of long service medals,
which is 15 years of serving for your country,
maybe fighting in a war.
Ancl if it's been found out to be true or not,
you'll have that taken away.
Court-martial led, which is being in front of a court,
and in some circumstances, jailed.
And it's timely right now
because the government have launched a review, I believe,
but there's a deadline as to when you can put the information in?
So, it's an independent review,
but then goes back to the government with all the recommendations.
It's been extended to the first of December.
So, one of my things is a call to action.
If you know anybody or if you were affected by the ban in any way,
you have two come forward.
Because if you come forward, it'll make the review stronger,
so the government have to look at the absolute humane,
in some situations, treatment of human beings.
Was that the main reason you didn't feel you could be open
about who you are?
I was petrified. I'm not ashamed of it at all,
but you have to understand the judgement
that you feel you might get, the bigotry that people get.
But you're just a human being, you know,
I'm no different to the person that people celebrated around the track
and brought back gold medals for Great Britain.
I'm just a person that happens to be, you know,
attracted or whatever, maybe, to women.
Not always in a relationship.
It's just the way I am, I can't help it, I can't...
This is me.
I mean, I've always liked Dame Kelly,
and I've always been impressed by you,
but you are a very impressive human being.
Thank you for... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...opening up and sharing this and doing what you're doing. Amazing.
I was, erm...
...| was going to ask Sara about her dog,
but after that, it will feel like a big shift in tone, I think.
So, we're gonna take a break, but don't go anywhere,
cos afterwards, we'll find out about Sara's dog,
we're gonna play a game in the studio,
and Arctic Monkeys are performing live right over there.
We'll see you in a few minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show.
My guests are still with me. There's music coming up.
Sara, I teased everyone with a mention of your dog Mouse.
Mouse features quite heavily in the tour, doesn't it?
Well, I was planning this whole show about how much I love my dog, Mouse.
There he is, that's us at the pub.
He's amazing. The love of my life.
But then there was COVID, so I didn't gig for a couple of years,
and then got married, and then we had a baby, we're very lucky.
Ancl he's like a small bit of the show now. Aw!
He's been pushed out. Does he know he's been demoted?
I don't think he knows I'm a stand-up.
LAUGHTER I've got to be honest with you,
I'm a dog lover. He looks like a very ordinary...
I mean, to me... AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I'm sorry, but I've seen you write about him online,
and I think, "He's OK, but..."
Guys, that is nothing special, is it?
Don't say that about Mouse!
If you walk past a dog like that, you wouldn't even look twice.
That's not... that's not true.
Hans, are you a dog owner? Yeah, absolutely.
I bet it's better looking than that one.
LAUGHTER
Oh, look at that. All clogs are beautiful.
And look at his big, furry penis (!) LAUGHTER
I'm not sure that's his penis. Well, either way,
he's got a lot to be happy about. He's a good-looking boy.
He's beautiful. Now, that's a dog, Sara.
I can't believe you shamed my dog. I'm not shaming him.
You have. We're all about honesty, aren't we?
Are we? If I can't say it, who can?
Kelly, we know your love is the alpaca.
Any dogs as well? I did have clogs, yeah. Two clogs.
Love clogs. But we have a blind dog,
that is such a big... You mean a guide dog?
You don't want a blind dog, that's...
LAUGHTER ..that's not gonna get you anywhere.
Kelly... LAUGHTER
OK, let me rewind. Take that out.
LAUGHTER
Ah!
OK, right. CLEARS THROAT
So, like a guide dog... Yeah.
They will leave that bit in, but carry on.
LAUGHTER
No, but a guide dog,
you have to put so much trust.
I had one, and he was shit.
LAUGHTER
What, he made you trip over all the time?
Just took me where he wanted to go.
LAUGHTER
Honestly, they took his licence off him.
LAUGHTER
We should point out, guide dogs,
obviously people have different experiences,
but guide dogs are wonderful.
Apart from the one you had, they're wonderful.
OK, we didn't mention your tour.
Chris is on tour as well. And it's got a great name for his tour.
Tell us the name of your tour.
It's Speaky Blinder.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
There it is.
I was at the Edinburgh Courtyard Theatre
and an old couple, elderly couple turned up,
thinking it was a show about the making of Peaky Blinders.
You should have a flat cap with you just in case!
Yeah, I'm on tour until May.
And it's, erm...
Yeah, I'm playing the Shepherd's Bush Empire at the end.
Go and see him if you can. He's a very funny comedian,
as you've seen this evening, ladies and gentlemen. Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
Before we end the show,
I wanted to play a little game, I hope it's OK with you,
because we have Hans Zimmer with us.
But one of the things that he wrote, which we haven't touched on,
this was two years before you did Rain Man?
If you say so.
And you wrote the theme for a European-based quiz show
called Going For Gold.
That was Hans' work.
Have a listen to this.
# The heat is on
# The time is right
# It's time for you
# For you to play your game
# Cos people are coming
# Everyone's trying
# Trying to be the best That they can
# When they're Going For Going For Gold. #
Wow. Wow!
APPLAUSE
OK, so we thought we'd play a version of that with everyone here,
but we thought instead of answering questions,
we would all have to listen to, and it's not a chore, of course,
some of Hans' music,
that he's gonna play for us here in the studio,
and see who can guess the theme
and match it to the movie.
He's gonna try! He's gonna try!
So, let's get over and get ready to play Hans On The Buzzer.
APPLAUSE
OK, so, here's how we're gonna play it.
And by the way, in the tradition of Going For Gold,
you are actually playing for a cash prize.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
So, what we're gonna do is, Hans is gonna play a little bit
of one of his famous compositions,
I want you to listen for five seconds or so,
and when I say buzz in, that's when you can buzz in,
if you know the answer. Let's hear the first one.
PLAYS THEME
You may buzz in.
It's really nice!
It's so nice.
Are we allowed to buzz?
Nobody gets it?
We're just enjoying ourselves. 'Chris.'
Chris is in there. Gladiator.
PING
APPLAUSE
That's one point to Chris. Here we go.
OK, here's the next one.
Remember, wait until I say "buzz in."
PLAYS THEME
I forgot to say "buzz in". I was enjoying it too much.
But you can buzz in. 'Sara.'
I'm gonna feel really bad if I've got it wrong, it's so beautiful.
Is it Interstellar?
It's the other one.
No, don't, don't, don't, don't! LAUGHTER
Oh, shit. OK. All right. Sorry.
OK.
HE CONTINUES PLAYING
Now you may buzz in whenever.
'Kelly.'
Da Vinci Code.
No! LAUGHTER
That was his thought.
He just said what it is!
Keep going. Hans, keep going.
Kelly, Sara, you're out.
Inter...something.
Inception.
'Kelly.'
You're out, Kelly.
'R0sie.' Rosie.
Inception. It is Inception!
APPLAUSE
PLAYS THEME
nRosie-I
No! I didn't say "buzz in" yet!
I was dancing. OK, buzz in.
NRosie-I
Pirates Of The Caribbean. Yes, indeed.
PING, APPLAUSE
OK. So, Rosie in the lead with two.
PLAYS THEME
You may buzz in. This is harder.
NRosie-I
Lion King.
It is Lion King!
APPLAUSE
Wow, Rosie!
Rosie, check it out.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Zimmer here!
Lovely job. Perfect.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here you go. Here you go.
Is that money?!
25 Euros. All yours.
LAUGHTER
Congratulations, Rosie. Come on back over, guys.
Come on back over. Come on back over.
APPLAUSE
I hope you've enjoyed the evening,
I've certainly enjoyed spending time in such splendid company.
Join me in saying thank you to all my guests, of course,
Chris, Kelly, Rosie, Sara, and, of course, Hans Zimmer.
APPLAUSE
I hope you'll join me again here next week,
but now, from their first new album in four years, The Car,
with their single Body Paint,
it is, of course, the fabulous Arctic Monkeys!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# For a master of deception
# And subterfuge
# You've made yourself Quite the bed to lie in
# Do your time traveling Through the tanning booth
# So you don't let the sun Catch you crying
# So predictable
# I know what you're thinking
# I'm watching your every move
# I feel the tears are coming on
# It won't be long
# Straight from the cover shoot
# Still a trace of body paint
# On your legs and on your arms
# And on your face
# Ancl I'm keeping on my costume Keeping on
# I'm calling it a writing tool
# Ancl if you're thinking of me
# I'm probably thinking of you
# There's still a trace Of body paint
# On your legs and on your arms Ancl on your face
# There's still a trace Of body paint
# On your legs and on your arms Ancl on your face
# There's still a trace Of body paint
# On your legs and on your arms Ancl on your face
# There's still a trace Of body paint
# On your legs and on your arms Ancl on your face
# So predictable I know what you're thinking
# Ooh
#Ha
# Yeah
# Yeah, ah... #
SONG ENDS
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
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