CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Wow. What a lovely greeting.
Well, good evening.
And welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
Now, this is exciting, of course,
because tomorrow night is the final of I'm A Celeb.
Have you been watching I'm A Celeb?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Of course you have.
Or as it's been known this series,
How Much Can We Torture Matt Hancock?
Although, I think he's gonna look back
on his time in the jungle very fondly,
because as soon he goes back and faces his angry constituents,
he will wish he was chomping on a kangaroo penis.
LAUGHTER
We have got a great show lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my Green Room.
We have Hollywood royalty with us, star of the big screen and small,
it's Kate Hudson, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Also on the show, hilarious comedian, writer and actor,
Roisin Conaty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love Roisin.
Joining them, one of our greatest superstars,
whose been making music for over five decades,
winning three Grammys,
four lifetime achievement awards, so much more,
it is the fabulous Joan Armatrading!
Joan, I'm so thrilled you're here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she will be joined
by another one of our greatest music superstars,
yes, of course, it's Stormzy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Stormzy will be chatting this evening,
and also performing at the end of the show, alongside Debbie.
There's Debbie with him there. Debbie, thank you for joining us.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lovely to have you here as well.
OK, so, that's the show. Before I get my guests out here,
here's some of my favourite stories from this week.
The World Cup is well underway, of course.
Now, you might love the beautiful game,
but if you are watching a match at home,
try not to make too much noise,
as your neighbours might not feel the same.
CHEERING IN DISTANCE
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE They don't like the noise.
I did check... I did check, that is a living cat.
That isn't just like a stuffed head poked out.
I don't know if you've seen this one before,
but sometimes, people like to pretend,
dog owners like to pretend that they're being attacked
to see how their pet respond.
And I'm gonna show you two clips
to prove it's not always what you might expect.
Argh!
DOG BARKING
VACUUM HISSING
DOG BARKING
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Oh, dear.
Shall we start the show, ladies and gentlemen? Why don't we.
Let's get my first guests out, it's Roisin Conaty and Stormzy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Come and sit down.
Hey, Mike, how's it going? Hey, man.
Come and sit down. Good to see you.
How are you both? Very well. I'm all right.
I'm all good. I'm good. Yeah?
I saw that you...
I saw, I think it was on your socials,
I saw that you'd been to Las Vegas recently... Yeah.
..Stormzy, and you went to the opening night
of Adele's series of gigs there. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now, that must have been quite something. That was amazing.
That was probably the best show I've ever seen.
KISS Chef's kiss.
That was fucking good, yeah.
But you're friends, aren't you?
You've become friends with each other?
Yeah, that's my dog. That's my dog. LAUGHTER
I assume that's a good thing? Yeah, that's my dog.
Like, yeah, that's my... Cos, you know, a lot of time,
people think it's, like, people get... Erm, what's the word?
When they... When they hear about, like, friendships like that,
it's like, "Wow, this person and that person."
And it's never that, like, fabulous.
It is always, "That's my dog, innit."
You know what I mean? I understand some of that.
LAUGHTER
Like, you're my dog. I'm your dog as well?
You're my dog, like...! We got... Jonathan...
LAUGHTER
And you know what,
if you get attacked by a Hoover, I will hump your leg...
LAUGHTER
..to make sure... to make sure you're doing OK.
APPLAUSE
Um... So, how did you meet Adele? How did you become...?
How did she become your dog?
LAUGHTER
Erm... I think from years ago, like.
I'm... I've always been a big fan.
She came to my London show,
and I was very, very starstruck. Like...
I remember, I was like, "Can I hug you?"
And I was like, "Can I hug you again?"
I probably asked about three, four times, like...
"Oh, can I hug you, like?" But she's just lovely, man.
So, yeah, our friendship started probably about 2017,
when she come to my show, yeah.
You haven't recorded together. She... I think she's...
No, no, no, no. Come on. LAUGHTER
Come on, no! Come on. Hey, Stormzy, she's not that bad!
No! LAUGHTER
No, no, come on, man!
Come on, man. You know what I mean? LAUGHTER
Once again. I wish, I wish, I wish.
But, you know what I mean? You gotta...
But if you're friends, can't you suggest that to her?
Couldn't you say, "Look, I very much enjoy..."
No. No, no, no, no.
There's leagues and levels, Jonathan. Wow.
So, you don't consider yourself to be at that sort of level?
Are you fucking joking?! LAUGHTER
Well, I... Are you joking?! Well, you're Stormzy.
I went to see you and it was packed out at the O2,
and you put on an amazing show... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your dancing needs work,
but apart from that, it was an amazing show!
LAUGHTER
No, it was a big show, it was amazing.
Yeah, you gotta, nah... OK. Leagues and levels.
But, Vegas. So, you saw her in Vegas,
and Vegas is extraordinary, it's unlike anywhere else.
Have you been to Vegas, Roisin?
Yeah, I went to Vegas, though, when I...
I went for my 30th birthday and I was really broke.
So, it's the opposite to Stormzy's!
It was a really depressing birthday being...
Being broke in Vegas is like being broke squared.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
You should've just done a little...
Oh, I tried, but I was basically...
But what I could afford was almost sort of like the bingo of Vegas.
LAUGHTER It was really...
The only thing I remember about Vegas
is getting these cocktails.
It was so cheap and so strong,
that one cocktail got me absolutely hammered. Yeah.
Like, out cold hammered.
And I woke up with the worst hangover,
and the same cocktail got me over the hangover.
LAUGHTER
We should all go back,
and Stormzy can hook us up with some tickets,
and we'll go and... Yes.
I don't think I can, you know. I... Wow. Yeah.
Cos it sold out, completely.
Leagues and levels, Jonathan. It's not that easy, bruv.
Well, you talk about leagues and levels,
here's the thing,
I'm sure you saw Stormzy's video for Mel Made Me Do It.
You managed to get the most extraordinary list of people
to take part in that video.
Some people were easy to get. You had me in it, right. Yeah.
That was, you know, I couldn't believe my luck, but...
You had some amazing people in there.
Tell me about some of the guest stars.
There's one in particular.
It kicks off with, you've got Usain Bolt on there with you.
Yeah. Amazing. Yeah.
Who are the big names that you were thrilled to have?
Jose Mourinho. Wow. Ooh.
He was, like... Come on. That's like...
But Jose Mourinho doesn't do stuff like this, does he?
No, no, no, no, no. So, how did you get him?
There you go, hard.
He blends in quite well there, like.
He looks like one of the boys, like. Erm...
Minus the suit. Yeah.
And the fact he's 50 years older than everyone else!
But, yeah, he, erm... He had a great season last season.
Like, he took Roma to the finals, and won it.
And I remember, I remember, even whilst he was on the journey,
when he got to the semis, and got to the finals,
I was thinking, "Please win."
Cos I was thinking, if he loses, you know what I mean,
he ain't gonna wanna do it. He won't be in the right mood, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So, but then they won it,
and then... He had agreed to it ages before,
and then when they won it,
he had a bit of time off, and he came down,
and he was lovely, man.
He really wanted to get it right as well.
Were there any you were hoping to get
that couldn't do it, or wouldn't do it,
just couldn't do it, or just didn't feel it was right for them?
Erm... Really wanted Lewis. Lewis Hamilton.
Like, he's a legend, GOAT, like, but...
He was right in the middle of the season,
so that weren't gonna work.
I think, everyone else, we managed to get. Yeah.
That's pretty amazing, to have a sort of wish list
and get every one but one.
And he's got a fairly convincing excuse. Yeah.
But do you get...? Do you get starstruck ever, though?
Because you must have met almost everyone.
Yeah, all the time.
I get starstruck all the time, like as in...
Yeah, I got a folder on my phone called Fanboy Mike.
Wow. Yeah. And it's got about...
it's got about 48 photos that are from everyone...
If I see anyone and I recognise you,
I'm like, "Oh, shit, like, let me get a pic, like."
But there are some people I was surprised at.
Cos I know that you were, you were very excited,
you were a big fan of Ronan Keating?
Ronan K... Of course! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so you... Cos I was thinking, well, if you haven't met him,
I'm sure I could arrange that. LAUGHTER
But there you got one with Ronan.
ROISIN: "Piss me off".
Yeah. That would have been at the GQ Awards.
That was at the GQ Awards.
"Just don't piss me off" is the best!
And then, also you recently met Taylor Swift for the first time,
I think. Yes, I met Taylor, yeah. That was...
She's lovely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
There you go. Whoop for Taylor. I'm a big fan of Queen Tay Tay.
Yeah, yeah. She's amazing. She was... She, um...
She was just so lovely.
Like, when I left there, like, we all left,
and I just looked at everyone, I was, "How fucking nice is she?"
Well, I think we have some footage
of you meeting Taylor for the first time.
This is the lead up, you're obviously excited.
Have a look at this.
And I think you've had a drink or two, I suspect.
Probably. More than likely.
I was trying to get a selfie with Taylor Swift.
I'm looking for Taylor Swift.
Taylor, where you? I want a selfie, Taylor!
Trying to get a selfie with Taylor Swift, running around.
All right, all right, shh, shh, shh. WOMAN: Wait, wait, you're shining...
Wait a minute, I'm going to meet Taylor,
I'm going to meet Taylor.
This is too shiny. LAUGHTER
Can you keep still?!
Wait, not quite.
CLICK
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CLICK
Yeah. "So happy". Quite right.
And you're right,
she is just so lovely. Yeah. She's amazing.
How are you with famous people? Do you get starstruck?
Oh, yeah. I-I'm not as... I'm not charming like Stormzy.
I come across as quite creepy. LAUGHTER
So, I met Brandon Flowers from The Killers, the singer...
Amazing. Yeah, and I'm a big fan.
And, er, I sort of was... I was so earnest, and I was like,
PUTS ON EARNEST VOICE: "I just think you're really great."
I saw him read me, and he went, "Do you want a photo?"
LAUGHTER Ah...
And I know what that, that's celeb talk for, "Let's end this!"
Yeah, yeah. That's a "fuck off", like.
That's like... You got your photo with him?
I got my photo, but, yeah, he was not up... I was too creepy.
I mean, you can see in the photos there,
you are reacting differently.
Especially the bottom...
The bottom left one,
you're reacting very differently to him.
He's just trying to get out. Out of the booth.
You look like you're having an out of body experience.
I was telling him, like, how much his...
an album, going through all of his songs.
I remember thinking, "Oh, God, she's three albums before.
"I've got to get away from this woman."
You were listing every track. Yeah, pretty much.
Erm, well, if we're talking about albums,
we should talk to Stormzy. You've got a new album,
Stormzy has a new album out, it's called This Is What I Mean.
I think I've got it here. I think this is one of the first copies.
Yeah. And it's a different sound.
Or, well, it's not a different sound,
but it does seem to have a different sort of vibe to it.
Erm, yeah, it's a lot more soulful.
From the beginning, I've always dabbled in soul and melody,
gospel, R&B... Yeah.
And I think it's just a continuation on my journeys.
And I think with God,
with God, I always give glory to God,
with growth, with, like, a great team,
great friends, great family.
And, you know, I thank God for growth
and thank God for this new album.
Now, your mum, Abigail, I love your mum, Abigail,
but she is becoming a bit of a star in her own right now, isn't she?
Yeah, yeah. Oh. She loves it, though.
Like, she thrives in, like...
As in, if she was here right now,
she would be happy to walk down here and do all the interviews.
Just be on the stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She loves it, she loves it. That's great.
Because she's from Ghana originally? Yeah.
And so when she goes back to Ghana,
do they know that she's your mum? Do they...?
Cos she lets people know, like. Yeah.
Do you know what it is?
And she's so funny, cos she will tell me a story,
she might be like, "Ah, I was somewhere,
"and, like, someone was just, like,
"Oh, my God, you're Stormzy's mum!" "
And I'm like, "No, that didn't happen."
LAUGHTER
"No. You just, like, you let them know, like."
She could just put...
Do you know what her ringtone is?
It's Take Me Back to London. LAUGHTER
So, "Da-da-da-da-da." Then pulls it out.
"Oh, my God, like."
Someone will ask, "So, why is your ringtone that?"
"Oh, it's just my son." You know what I mean?
She lets people know, like.
She acts like she's, yeah, but she lets people know.
You have a great relationship with your mum, of course. I do, yeah.
How is your mum at the moment? Your mum is Margaret, isn't she?
She is, yeah. She's great. She's, erm...
She's going deaf, and she needed a hearing aid,
and she just doesn't,
she was refusing to get this hearing aid,
and also, there's a conversation where my mum's idea of hell
is going on holiday with me and my sister.
Cos she was a single mum, and so that was her...
Like, when we were young, we were a nightmare.
And so I always try and wind her up and say,
"We're gonna go away, just me and you
"for two weeks on our own."
And we were watching a documentary about the Serengeti,
and I was like, "We'll go on safari, Mum,
"it'd be amazing, we'll go on safari."
I was, like, "Don't you think it'd be amazing?"
"Just me and you, solidly, for two weeks under the stars."
And she, like, ran out of the room.
"I don't want anything to do with it!"
And then I went,
"Mum, don't you ever want to see a herd of elephants?"
Then she came back in the room and went,
"Of course I've heard of elephants."
LAUGHTER
So, she's now got the hearing aid.
We're not going to the Serengeti.
We're gonna take a break, don't go away,
because in a few minutes,
we'll be joined out here by Kate Hudson. See you then.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show, everyone. Let's get my next guest out.
She is a Golden Globe-winning Hollywood star.
You'll know her from her brilliant performances in Almost Famous
and How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
Now she's starring alongside Daniel Craig
in the new Knives Out movie. It's Kate Hudson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely to meet you.
Have a sit down here.
Hi! It's great to have you here. Thank you for joining us.
Oh, it's nice to be here. I've never had Kate on my show
and I've always wanted to. I've had your mum on several times.
Yes. The fabulous Goldie Hawn, as many of you will know.
Did she behave? Well, when she was on last time,
she was telling me, in quite some detail,
about when you were giving birth to your son Bingham,
and she told me everything, frankly.
Yeah, so she didn't behave. No. No.
But I spoke to Stormzy about getting selfies and Roisin as well,
and I know you grew up with... Your mother's famous,
your stepfather's famous, so I guess you had quite a lot of famous people
floating through the house?
Do you still get starstruck ever?
Do you still...? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I remember meeting Bob Dylan
and I was, like, out of my mind.
I mean, I actually got a chance to go on tour with him
when I was a lot younger. My ex-husband went on tour with him
and so I kind of got to know him,
and he's a great swimmer.
He's a great swimmer? Yeah.
LAUGHING
OK. When you say he's a great swimmer,
so that means, like, he's better than a normal swimmer?
It means that once upon a time I was in Pensacola, Florida,
which is a-a place in, you know, in Florida,
and, like, it's as random as it gets, right?
And I was sitting on a beach,
and I saw this man swimming way out in the ocean with another man
who looked like a bodyguard kind of standing there,
and I didn't really understand what was going on.
But I thought, "Wow, that guy's really out there, he's going crazy,
"and it's in the ocean", and then he came out
and then he put this towel over him
and he had curly, black hair and he started getting closer and closer,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, it's Bob Dylan."
And he came up and he started looking at me,
and I'm like, "Wait, how is this happening right now
"in the middle of a beach in Pensacola, Florida?",
and he goes, "Katie?"
LAUGHING
And I was like, "Bob? I didn't know you were such a swimmer."
So yeah, he is a great swimmer. So it was the depth of his swimming.
It was, like, he was out, I mean, it felt like a mile away.
I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, either.
Sharks. Too many sharks.
When I go swimming in Florida, I sometimes strap a small knife
to my ankle. Do you really?
Yes. You do? I bet you do.
I do. I probably would do the same thing if I got in the ocean.
I have kind of like a swimming sock with a knife attached to it.
I wanna see what the swimming sock looks like.
Did you...? Is it like...? Did you think about it
when you put the sock on, like, "Oh, that's a good swimming sock"?
It's like a sock you... As if someone cut the foot off a wetsuit.
It's like a compression sock? I've only got one...
No, it's not like a compression sock!
It's like an action man sock for a man who's gonna kill a shark
if it comes too close. I bet you would, I bet you would.
It would go down. I would.
Are you a good swimmer, Roisin?
Not as good as I thought I was.
I always thought I was a really great swimmer, and, basically,
I'm just good in salty water.
In Greece, it does a lot of the legwork for you. The buoyancy.
And I got in to the Hampstead Ponds and that was spicy stuff.
Stormzy, you got some skills in the pool?
I can... Breaststroke, is that breaststroke? Yeah.
I can do that, but then also, I have this theory in my head, yeah,
that say if someone threw me off a boat,
because I have so much resilience... Yeah.
..I would survive.
LAUGHING
I can't swim. I can't swim, but if I'm in that situation I'd say,
"I'm not fucking dying."
That's Bob Dylan level of resilience.
You know what I mean? OK, so Kate's in a brand-new film,
it's out in cinemas right now and it also will be available on Netflix,
I think from, when is that, 23rd December?
Go and see it on the big screen if you can.
It's called Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery,
and the character you play, she's very funny. She's crazy.
Not always intentionally funny. No. No.
She's very... She finds herself in hot water a lot.
She doesn't really know how to censor herself,
and she's very flamboyant and fabulous.
She's called Birdie Jay. I was gonna ask about one of the things she says
but I can't, really, because it's one of those films
where you really don't wanna spoil it for people.
Yeah. I mean, it would really ruin the experience.
What's so great about this movie, Rian Johnson, the writer-director,
is so brilliant that, you know,
when you go back and see it a second time or even a third time,
you just see so much that's new, and at the centre of it is Daniel,
who's the best.
Well, it's so nice seeing Daniel Craig having fun,
cos he was an amazing Bond, but I always get the feeling that
he was under pressure playing Bond. It's a big role to take on.
But the movies are sombre and serious,
they're not very light. But to see him, he's very funny in this film.
He's so funny.
He's quite goofy, you know, and yeah,
I didn't know Daniel at all.
I only know him really through his Bond films, and so it was like...
In this, he's quite slapstick at times. He is so great.
Well, you know who might be the new Bond?
I don't.
Right there.
No.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, I'd love that!
No, no, no. I'd be so shit.
I would be so shit. I wish I could, but I'd be so shit.
Sorry, I wasn't meant to announce it yet, I'm sorry.
Even, like...
"I'm Bond." What's it?
"Yo, I'm Bond."
It's not the one. I wish I could.
I love it. I think that is the way forward.
"Yo, I'm Bond" is the way forward.
"Yo, I'm Bond, what's going on, bro?"
OK, anyway, we're not talking about you in Bond.
That's next year's announcement. We're talking about Knives Out.
So much fun, and see it at the big screen
if you can, but certainly catch it.
Here's a little thing to whet your appetite.
I've invited you all to my island... Hi!
..because tonight, a murder will be committed.
My murder.
Across the island I've hidden clues.
You will have to closely observe each other.
If anyone can name the killer, that person wins our game.
Any questions? That has a kick!
Oh, my God! What happened?
SCREAMS
Holy sh...
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a murder,
and the killer is in plain sight.
For at least one person, this is not a game.
I need to find a motive for murder.
Everyone would stab a friend in the back to hold onto this rich bastard.
Mm-mm-mm. Deal with it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery,
in cinemas now, on Netflix on the 23rd.
Now, Daniel, that accent he's doing,
is that a kind of Louisiana accent?
Yeah. It's kind of like a bayou, I guess, that sort of drawl.
And it works. He does it very well. He does it great.
You know, he works really hard at it, and then he comes to set,
and he can go in and out of it,
so he doesn't have to do it the whole time.
You've lived here at times over the years, haven't you?
Yeah. How is your British accent?
Oh. Oh, God.
You want me to do it? Obviously.
Oh, Jesus Christ. OK.
Let's see.
BRITISH ACCENT: It's been quite hard to be away from the kids
erm, because, you know,
the travelling back and forth and it's the holidays and everything,
so that's hard.
Was that good?
Yeah. That was...
I'll be honest with you, I'll be honest with you,
that was too good. I was hoping we could laugh at you.
But that was too good.
Well, I would have been... I'm happy to be laughed at.
Roisin, you've acted quite a bit. How are your accents?
Erm...
All right. OK.
Let's give you an easy one. Your mum's Irish.
Yes. You can do Irish, presumably?
I can do Irish, I can do my mum.
Get out of that bed!
LAUGHING
How...?
How come your Irish accent is much worse than Kate's English accent?
I can do my mum's, hold on, wait.
My mum... IRISH ACCENT: Hello, darling.
She sounds like that. I can do an Irish accent. This is terrible.
Stormzy, any accents? No, no. Come on!
I ain't got nothing.
If I could, I would, I ain't got nothing. Like... Nah.
OK, what about if you're in America, you must slip into it a bit?
Nah. Oh, come on, try it.
What should I say? I dunno.
A large pepperoni, please.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, man, can I...?
CHEERING
These lot are taking the piss.
That's good.
Er...
Hey, man, can I...?
LAUGHING
Hey, man... That's all I know!
That's all you need. That's all you need.
This is amazing. So, when I was reading up on Kate before the show,
I realised, cos time passes so quickly, but it's been 20 years,
almost 20 years since How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
20 years. That'll be next year.
That was such a lovely film and such a well, you know,
it's a very well-loved film.
I'm often curious as to what those characters would do now.
When I see a movie that I love from the past...
Would you go back to that role?
Where is Andie Anderson? I don't know, I get asked this all the time.
So does Matthew, you know?
We both have the same feeling about it,
like, if for some reason a great idea came across our desk
and it read well, yeah, I would totally revisit it.
I mean, I love working with Matthew.
And presumably you got on off-screen as well, did you? We sure did.
And then we did another movie called Fool's Gold together.
I remember that film.
It starts with your characters popping out the sea, then kissing.
Mm. And are they...?
Cos often, I talk to actors and they say the kissing scenes
are not that much fun to shoot.
That was definitely not that fun to shoot.
I mean, ocean and swimming and kissing is not always pleasant.
When I see sex scenes, I'm like, "Fucking hell, how do you do that?"
It's a bit like, you know what I mean, like? Everyone's thought it.
You watch a sex scene and you're like, "How are you doing that?"
Care to explain, Kate?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
As in, what's the... Of course, it's your job, innit,
but, like, just your average punter, and I speak on behalf of everyone,
it looks extremely difficult.
It's like, not to sound crude, but can there be arousal?
You know what I mean? Everyone thought it. Everyone thought it.
Do you get what I mean?
Interesting question.
No, as in...
I feel like I'm digging it, but you know what I mean, though?
Well, I think it's so mechanical. OK.
There's so many people around in the sense of,
usually they close the set and you kind of have to talk it out
and the boys wear belts. OK.
You know, it's very... To keep stuff down.
Keep it in. Yeah, it's very...
So, all of that takes the...?
It kind of, yeah, it kind of takes the fun out of it, I guess.
LAUGHING
But, I mean... Hm. Sometimes it's more enjoyable than other times.
OK. I can imagine.
I mean, you know, it just depends on the circumstance
and the safety that you feel with the actor and how, you know,
how safe the space feels, you know, because it can get awkward.
And then sometimes you're like...
"I've got a scene today!" Fun day at the office.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
We're gonna take a break now. In a few moments,
we'll be joined out here by the fabulous Joan Armatrading.
See you in a few minutes.
Welcome back to the show.
Now, my next guest is a pioneering legend of music,
but before we get her out,
let's have a reminder of some of her most iconic songs.
# Just give me love Give me love
# Make love
# With affection
# Sing me another love song
# But this time With a little dedication
# Sing it, sing it Sing it, sing it
# You know that's what I like Oh, give me love, ooh-ooh... #
# Just me, myself, I
# Me, myself and I
# Just me, myself, I... #
# All the way from America... #
# I said, drop the pilot Try my balloon
# Drop the monkey, smell my perfume
# Drop the mahout I'm the easy rider
# Don't use your army To fight a losing battle
# Animal, mineral Physical, spiritual
# I'm the one you need I'm the one you need... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, of course, it's Joan Armatrading.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, WHISTLING
How are you?
Can I give you a hug? Of course. Of course.
Legend. Sorry...
THEY CHUCKLE Let me hug you.
Joan, thank you so much for being here. Jonathan. Thank you.
Come sit down. Thank you. Great to have you.
Isn't it lovely to have Joan Armatrading with us,
ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It really is.
Here's the... I didn't realise, cos I've loved your music,
like, all of my adult life, and I always thought of you
as this incredible singer-songwriter from Birmingham,
which is sort of true, but initially,
you were born on the island of Saint Kitts, weren't you?
Yes, I was. Jonathan, I dreamt about you last night. Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Not for the first time, I imagine. I...
STORMZY LAUGHS What was the dream?
Do you remember when Grace Jones was on The Russell Harty Show...
Years ago. ..and he asked her the question,
and then she started smacking him? Yes.
I hit you over the head with my handbag.
Wow. LAUGHTER
I'm glad to see you didn't bring it.
And then I stormed off. No... Why did...?
Yeah. So, what had I said in the dream?
I don't know, but what's your question?
OK. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Wow. The question is...
The question is, what do you keep in your handbag, is it heavy?
LAUGHTER
No, you know I'm a fan, I'm not gonna ask you anything mean.
But I was wondering about... You came to Birmingham from Saint Kitts.
How old were you when you came over?
I was seven. Seven years old.
Yes, I made that journey all on my own.
So, seven, you were on the plane on your own? Seven on...
With a little badge that said Joan Armatrading.
But, you know, up until...
maybe not that long ago, young kids used to go on planes on their own.
So, where does the music come from, though?
Was it a musical family?
Were your mum and dad musicians? Were they in that business?
No, my dad... SHE LAUGHS
My dad...
My mum says my dad played in a band, but I've never seen him,
I've only heard it from her.
But he played the guitar, kind of in secret,
and he would hide the guitar in...
So much so that even when we moved house,
because he'd hidden the guitar, he forgot it.
LAUGHTER
So the guitar is still there. So he...
Because he wouldn't let me touch it,
he didn't want me to touch his guitar.
And then I saw this guitar in a pawnshop, and it cost £3,
and I said to my mum, "Can I have that guitar?"
And she said, "Well, we haven't got £3,
"but if they'll swap it for these two old prams,
"you can have the guitar,"
which is how I got my first guitar, which I still have.
But my dad wouldn't show me how to do anything on it
apart from how to tune it,
and tuning it is actually the most important part...
Yeah. ..of playing the guitar, so that was good.
When you said he wouldn't show you anything else on it,
is that because he didn't think that would be a good career for you,
or he didn't feel confident in his ability?
No, I think he just didn't want me to touch his stuff.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
You're kind of known...
You're known for lots of different kinds of music.
You've never been pigeonholed in one thing,
but you are known for your love songs... Yes.
..quite a lot. Do you...?
But they're not written specifically about you or your experiences?
No, I tend to write from observation.
I write looking at people
and kind of seeing what they're going through.
I'm not eavesdropping, I'm just kind of observing them.
But I've been on a little, mini book tour,
and the book is called... It's a lyric book,
and the book is called The Weakness In Me.
And that song is about three people, they're having an affair,
one person's having an affair with the other,
and they're worried about how they...
Do they tell the person that they've been with what's happening?
Can I say? The Weakness In Me is one of my favourite songs of all time,
and I never knew it was about that.
Oh, right.
At all, like, I've always thought it was a lot more wholesome than that.
LAUGHTER
When you just told the story of it, I was thinking,
"I've never... I never thought of it like that."
But I guess you don't mind that? No.
Because I guess the song is what people want it to be for them.
Absolutely, and people have said to me
that they've used that song as their wedding song,
which is fine if that... LAUGHTER
..if that was their... If they don't want it to last. Exactly.
..if that was their relationship, and they're happy now... Yeah.
THEY LAUGH Oh, wait, it makes sense!
LAUGHTER Yeah, there you go.
Oh, my days, it makes sense.
# You make me lie When I don't want to... #
Thank you. Oh, duh. There you go.
I'd never even think that, never noticed.
Let me ask you about the new...
There's an album out. Joan has a new album out, it's a live album.
This was recorded, I think...
Was it only last year it was recorded? Yes.
Live At Asylum Chapel,
and this is you doing so many of the hits that we all know and love.
So, why a live album? Why did you wanna bring this out?
Well, I decided that I didn't really want to go on tour
in the way that I've been touring for all these 50 years,
and I wanted to do something that kind of was for me,
that I would remember.
And just... I just wanted to do it, and I did it with a great band.
And the Asylum Chapel is, like, an old, run-down church,
but it's absolutely beautiful,
and you put the right lighting on it,
and the sound quality is great, and...
But you know what you want, I guess, sound-wise, don't you?
Yes. I mean...
I... When I work, I work alone,
so I engineer my songs myself and everything.
But when I get to the very, very final part,
I think it's unhealthy
to do something from beginning to end just on your own.
I would agree with that.
So, yeah, so when I get to the final kind of mixing part,
then I do work with an engineer.
In recent years, you've mainly played all the instruments
on your albums yourself?
Yeah, again, not being big headed or anything,
it's not that I don't want to work with people,
but because I'm writing, and I'm arranging,
and I kind of know what that...
I might as well just get it... Do it.
Yeah, you want it to be the way you want it to be.
Yeah, just do it, and it'll... And it must be cheaper.
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER Oh, yes.
It's weird, because I know...
I remember reading about you in the '80s,
and when people would talk about you,
and often, they would say, "She's a bit of a control freak." No!
It's weird, because they wouldn't say that about Prince, for example.
They wouldn't. I think it was a weird sort of misogyny.
And you did come up against some of that, I think.
Yeah, but... You know, there's actually not a lot of people
who do that kind of thing, they play everything, engineer everything,
produce everything, write everything.
There's not a lot of people who do all of those things.
And when you get a chap who does it, it's very macho and, "Look at him."
But when a girl does it, it's kind of like,
"Well, she's a control freak, and can she really do it?"
Yes, she can really do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE She can, yeah. Absolutely.
Would you ever incorporate, like,
spitting a few bars in the middle of one of your tracks?
LAUGHTER That's what the kids call it, Joan.
Erm... I never say never. Yeah.
I might, I might. I think I'd be very good at it.
What about a collab between you and Stormzy?
Oh, I would be honoured. LAUGHTER
I would be honoured. Yeah. But you know what Joan's gonna say?
"No." LAUGHTER
That's what Joan does.
APPLAUSE
I mean... But, Stormzy, you are singing more now, aren't you?
You weren't known as a singer when you began, of course.
Yeah, no. But you are singing more, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm just doing whatever feels good.
What's happened throughout my career,
I think people think I'm trying to do some calculated shit, like...
And I'm like, no, I'm just...
So when, like... I'm just singing. Yeah.
Like, I'm... It feels great. LAUGHTER
But people think, "Oh, he's trying to do a Christmas number one."
And I'm like... LAUGHTER
I'm like, "I swear to God, I'm not," like,
I really just wanna sing, you know what I mean? You know what?
If you had a Christmas number one, we'd be surprised.
LAUGHTER
But did you take any singing coaching
to move into using vocals in that way more?
I've not... I kind of...
For the past couple of years, I just go studio, and I just sing,
because, being a rapper, like, singing's foreign to me,
so I've had to get used to it.
And, like, when I'm figuring out melodies, like...
I've gotta... I've gotta go in the trenches of, like, my voice
in terms of, it doesn't sound good at the beginning.
It's very, like... HE SINGS OUT OF TUNE
LAUGHTER
And I'm trying to figure out melodies.
So, you use warmup techniques?
I use warmup techniques before I perform live.
Well, give us a little...
Can we have a little bit of a warmup technique? Agh...
LAUGHTER They're not... They're not pleasant.
KATE FLAPS LIPS, LAUGHTER
This is... This is kudos to my vocal coach, Priscilla, who...
It's... It's like... Agh...
It's not pleasant, but it starts off as, like...
You gotta go... INHALES SHARPLY
It's like... Agh. LAUGHTER
Do you know what it is? Do it!
Don't overthink it. Don't overthink it.
Share Priscilla's wisdom. KATE FLAPS LIPS
Joan doesn't the need help.
Yeah, Joan don't need the help. Joan's good.
We could join in with you if you wanna give us... Share us...
There's one where you breathe and then go...
BREATHES HEAVILY, LAUGHTER
Like, you're meant to breathe in and out like...
STORMZY AND JONATHAN BREATHE HEAVILY
Like... Interesting. BREATHING CONTINUES
Yeah, yeah. That's what I said, it's not pleasant.
It's huffing. Do you know why I'm so pissed right now?
Cos they're gonna take that fucking clip...
LAUGHTER
They're gonna meme the shit out of it, but that's, like...
you gotta do stuff like that to get your vocal going, like...
And... And... because I'm... LAUGHTER
They're gonna join that clip where you're going, "Arousal."
"Arousal," and... LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no.
OK, so, I think we should take a break
so you can go off and assemble that meme.
LAUGHTER
Don't go away, I have more from all our guests,
and Stormzy is performing with Debbie at the end of the show.
See you after the break. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm still here with all my lovely guests.
Joan, we were talking earlier on about the first guitar you had.
And that your mum swapped,
she pawned two old prams for this guitar, it was £3.
You said you still have it. I think we have it here this evening.
Here it is, this is the guitar.
Thank you, Guy.
What year did you get this in?
I was 13, 14, so what's that?
That's 1920? Yeah.
I'm just trying to do the maths. Very good with maths.
I think you're ten years older than me. OK.
So, '63.
'63, OK.
And did you write songs on this?
Yeah, yeah, I taught myself to play the guitar.
This is the guitar that I taught myself to play.
And this is the guitar that my father...
He wouldn't teach me any chords,
but he did teach me how to tune.
I learned to tune on this guitar.
It needs fixing up, and every now and again
I have to take it to get fixed so I can play it.
What's amazing, of course, is it just goes to show
you don't need the greatest guitar in the world.
If you've got it, you've got it.
And you can learn on it and
get those first steps taken. Absolutely.
But... So, unfortunately,
I can't show you how to... Let me take this.
..tune on that one. I'm gonna pop that on eBay.
This is one of Joan's actual current guitars.
This was four prams, I believe.
You're going to show us how your dad taught you to tune,
which is different to the way most people tune, I believe.
So...
PLAYS CHORDS
That's not you tuning up? No. That's not tuning up.
OK, so... If that's you tuning up,
you were very good when you were 12.
So, people would tune like this.
TUNES
That's how people would normally learn.
Stormzy, look and learn. I'm learning, I'm learning.
But this is how my dad taught me.
SIMPLE TUNE
So, making a tune out of it? Making a tune out of it.
Isn't that lovely?
Lovely.
Joan, you've got to play me a little something.
PLAYS PROFICIENTLY
That's it. Wow.
I won't ask for any more, I know you'll say no.
Can I give you that back?
I love the fact with Joan, cos she just went, "That's it."
If I'd have said, "How about a song?" she went, "No!"
You would have said no, wouldn't you?
I would have said no.
OK, so, I should just say,
one of the things we wanted Roisin on for
is cos I'm such a fan of GameFace.
But you're just about to launch a new series
or you're in one episode of a new thing with Greg Davies.
Oh, yes, I'm in The Cleaner.
But you're playing a very different sort of role for you, aren't you?
I'm playing a serial killer. Wow.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Yes. I'm really excited about it.
It was really fun.
It's a comedy. That's a great series.
It's a good series? He'll be delighted you love it.
He's a big fan.
So, yeah, I got to do that and it was really fun.
But this is quite a departure for you.
I know it's still comedy...
It's more close to my real self actually, Jonathan.
It's not, though, because I know you're terrified
of almost everything. Jonathan, don't give me away.
Trying to be confident out here.
I know you had an incident with a spider that took you forever...
You woke up and saw a spider,
and then got a cab out of your house to avoid having to deal with it.
It was on the toilet seat, Jonathan.
And then I ordered a taxi to Starbucks,
because I needed a wee.
I can't...
I'm not good with... I'm not good with animals.
So, what happens if you find, like, a creature in your house right now?
If you were to find a big insect or a mouse, what would you do?
OK, so I found a mouse in my house recently.
And this was really bad.
Erm...
And I found this mouse.
I got so panicked I just couldn't even breathe.
And I phoned my sister, and she said you've got to name it
so you're not scared.
Cos I had to go to bed, before I could do anything.
So I called the mouse Bubbles, in my head, like...
"It's just Bubbles. Just a little mouse
"going around the place. Don't worry."
The next day, my other friend said, "You need to do these humane traps,
"and you put peanut butter in these traps,
"and then you catch them and don't have to kill them."
So I'm setting these traps,
and the mouse comes out while I'm setting the trap.
Like I'm serving him.
Walks up to the trap, just looking at me, "Out of the way, then.
"Let me have the peanut butter."
I was like, "Bubbles, please!"
"You're not meant to be out till the night time."
And then you have to capture this mouse,
and then I have to take it two miles away.
Cos otherwise it just comes back in.
So, effectively, I'm on a road trip now with a mouse.
And I'm busy.
You don't drive, though, do you?
I don't drive, so I had to walk with this mouse.
You don't want to order an Uber and be sitting there with a mouse.
Why did you have to go...?
Because it will come back into your house.
To release it...? Into the wild.
And it's pouring down with rain.
You're a better person than me.
I'd...
I'm killing that.
Stormzy is getting... What happened at the end of your story?
I took it to the field. It's pouring down with rain.
I'm just stood in a field in the rain on my own,
and I release the mouse, but it doesn't run off straightaway.
So I'm like, "Bubbles, leave."
And then I just get out more peanut butter
and leave it with peanut butter.
It felt like I was abandoning the mouse.
It felt really like a sad... Well, you did.
Kate! I'm just saying...
He had peanut butter and grass.
My house is no place for him.
But, you know, it's very hard to domesticate a wild mouse.
Yeah, I once had a snake
that one day was just gone.
And it might be still in my house somewhere.
If we could have introduced your snake to Bubbles,
that would have solved the problem.
That's right.
Stormzy, no pets, I imagine, in your busy life?
No, I got two dogs.
What are they called? My sons, my boys.
What kind are they? Boss and Enzo.
Good names. What kind of dogs?
Rottweilers. I've got a Dobermann.
They kind of have a similar vibe.
They are my boys.
Do you know what I said yesterday? Just a random thought.
I got back home from Vegas and LA.
And I walked in the house,
and I haven't seen my boys for some time.
I was very emotional, I got overwhelmed.
I was like, fucking hell, I love you.
And then... It just gave me such a rush of love
that I went in my group chat and I said to all my friends,
"I love my dogs more than I love you lot."
Wow.
But it was a real...
I really felt like that. I was like "I love you lot."
And I just had to say it, "Don't ever think
"I love you more than I love my dogs."
I've got some exciting news for you.
You know, earlier on,
when we had Stormzy showing us his vocal techniques, he said,
"I don't want to do this, because it will be made into a meme."
Well, we've saved you the trouble.
They've edited it together for you.
This is... Feel free...
Feel free to use this.
Here you go, have a look. Oh, no.
Can there be arousal?
STORMZY PANTING
LAUGHTER
There we go.
Oh, bro.
Oh, Stormzy.
Oh, boy.
It's the innocence where he says "arousal".
Arousal?
It's been so much fun having you all on the show.
Thank you. Joan, what an honour to meet you.
Genuinely. You're just an amazing talent.
I hope one day I can persuade you...
You're not touring, but to come back and play live for us. Maybe.
LAUGHTER
I very much hope so, it's been lovely having you here.
Also, say thank you to the fabulous Kate Hudson.
Good luck with your movie.
Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen, and, of course,
the one and only Stormzy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And now the moment many of you have been waiting for.
Stormzy, I'm gonna ask you to head over and get ready to perform.
It's Stormzy, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll be back with a Christmas special on 17 December
when my guests include Gordon Ramsay,
Big Zuu, Minnie Driver, Adam Lambert
and Michael McIntyre.
But now, with Firebabe, featuring Debbie, it's Stormzy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# She was
# Standing in her dress
# And she was
# Looking like an angel
# Her eyes
# Took away my breath
# And that's when I knew
# She was mine until the end
# My miracle
# My happy place
# My heart and soul
# Forever yours
# Cos I
# I just can't explain
# Even in the way
# You love me with your flame
# My firebabe
# You keep burning bright
# Touch me with your light
# And love me with your flame
# My firebabe
# She makes
# Everybody laugh
# Then she starts
# Dancing on the table
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
# She can't stop
# Stealing all their hearts
# How she lights up a room
# It's something to behold
# My miracle
# My happy place
# My heart and soul
# Forever yours
# Cos I
# I just can't explain
# Even in the way
# You love me with your flame
# My firebabe
# You keep burning bright
# Touch me with your light
# And love me with your flame
# My firebabe
HE VOCALISES
THEY VOCALISE
# And love me with your flame. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com