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00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:12,775
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
2
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,215
BAND FINISH THEME TUNE
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00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,215
Hello, everyone.
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00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,015
Thank you very much indeed.
5
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,375
Oh, how about that,
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00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,895
the Ezra Collective right there,
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:26,095
They're here all night.
Good evening, everybody,
8
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,535
and welcome to the show.
It's New Year's Eve!
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00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,575
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
10
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,375
And because it's a special night,
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I've convinced
some of my favourite stand-ups
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to come together for an exclusive,
one-off gig to see the end of 2022.
13
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Let's be honest, I think we're glad
to see the back of it, aren't we?
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00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,815
AUDIENCE CHEER
We could all do with a laugh.
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00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,415
And tonight, we have comedy
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00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,215
from the always-hilarious Judy Love,
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,335
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Judy's on the show.
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00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,775
He's one of the busiest men on TV,
19
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,415
so why should tonight
be any different?
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Tom Allen is here!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
21
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,935
Back from the Australian jungle
and doing what he does best,
22
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:05,175
it's Babatunde Aleshe!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
23
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,015
Helping us see the New Year
in fabulous style,
24
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,815
it's Katherine Ryan,
ladies and gentlemen.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
26
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,375
And closing the show for us,
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one of the most distinctive voices
and unique haircuts in comedy,
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the one and only Bill Bailey!
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
30
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That's a great line-up.
So, we've got so much great comedy,
31
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we thought let's make a party of it
32
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and get some live music
in the house as well,
33
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,975
so I went on PartyPlanners.com
and got the very best house band.
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Here for the evening,
the incredible Ezra Collective.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING,
BAND PLAY
36
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You know what, I was using
every bit of willpower
37
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not to start some dad dancing there.
38
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,015
Soon as that started,
I was gonna start...
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00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,935
And I thought,
"No, I'm gonna spare you."
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00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,975
LAUGHTER
41
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,415
It's New Year's Eve, of course,
it's New Year's Eve,
42
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,015
so, you're probably drinking
tonight.
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00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,415
AUDIENCE CHEER
44
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,055
You're cheering yourself
for drinking.
45
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,055
It's like... OK.
46
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,255
So, however good a time
you're having at home,
47
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,535
I'm just gonna say to you
that I don't think you can be having
48
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:16,335
as good a time as this cat
who really knows how to party.
49
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,615
Look at this.
50
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MUSIC: 'Sandstorm'
by Darude
51
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MUSIC BUILDS UP
52
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BEAT DROPS
53
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There you go.
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APPLAUSE
55
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,015
Shall we get on with the show,
ladies and gentlemen?
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00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,055
AUDIENCE CHEER
OK, why don't we?
57
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,255
Will you please welcome
your first act of the evening.
58
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,455
She's a quiet, shy,
retiring character.
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00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,175
I'm kidding, of course. Get ready to
adjust the volume on your remote.
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00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,975
It is the fabulous Judy Love.
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BAND PLAY 'CRAZY IN LOVE'
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00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,135
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
63
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GREETINGS DROWN ED OUT
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MUSIC FINISHES
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Yes! Thank you!
66
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Whoo! How's everyone doing?
AUDIENCE CHEER
67
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,015
I'm glad he said my name,
I'm glad he said my name,
68
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,215
cos I'm out of breath.
Can you hear I'm out of breath?
69
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,615
Big it up for the big girls
and the fluffies at the back.
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00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,375
You all right, fluffies?
SMALL CHEER
71
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,775
Don't lie to yourself, OK, people?
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00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,055
Anyway, it's nice being here.
Everyone feeling good?
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00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,495
AUDIENCE CHEER
74
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,375
One of the things I love
about Christmas
75
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,895
and, you know, New Year's Eve,
76
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,935
is that the office parties,
you know,
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00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,975
when I used to work
for the 9-to-5, right,
78
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,655
used to go to the office party.
Anyone had their office party yet?
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00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:45,975
AUDIENCE WHOOP
80
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,895
Anyone slept with
someone else's man yet?
81
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,535
LAUGHTER
Cos at office parties, yeah,
82
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,935
you always have Hannah
from accountants, right.
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00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,895
Cos you know, usually, she comes
to work in her normal clothes,
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00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,095
her work clothes,
and she's really quiet,
85
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,695
she doesn't really say anything,
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00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,975
she's got the ponytail slicked back
with the glasses.
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00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,375
And then at the office party,
88
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:09,135
Hannah turns up like she's Kim K
ready to make a second sex video,
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00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,095
do you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
90
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,295
And then you...
For me, I don't know about you,
91
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,495
but I always want to know
who's sleeping with who.
92
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:16,575
Like, what's going on?
93
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,055
I wanna be all up in their business,
do you get what I'm saying?
94
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,615
And then no-one doesn't actually
let the secret out,
95
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,815
but then you realise,
seven months later,
96
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,375
when Hannah and Pete announced that
they're getting married...
97
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,655
LAUGHTER
Mm-hm.
98
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,135
...and she's having a baby,
you calculate, you're like,
99
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,695
"Boy, you took Pete on
New Year's Eve, didn't you, babes?
100
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,095
But you know, as well, obviously,
you know, I'm single,
101
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,415
right, and being single
at this time is hard,
102
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,615
especially the festive period,
isn't it?
103
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,815
You want someone to love you,
isn't it?
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00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,615
You want a present, don't you?
just a present.
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LAUGHTER
Perfume, anything.
106
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,335
Do you know what I mean?
Something to open, you know,
107
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,375
apart from your bills,
do you get what I'm saying?
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00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,055
LAUGHTER
You wanna look at somebody...
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00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,455
Then I think to myself,
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00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,535
"No, this is the time
when you'll be empowered, OK?"
111
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,415
You stand in front
of that mirror, right,
112
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,215
and you look at that mirror
and you say,
113
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,095
"No, this is time for me."
114
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:10,455
OK, I'm gonna love into myself
into the next year,
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00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,655
cos it's all about pride
and dignity.
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00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,855
Then you look in that mirror
and you think,
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00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,695
"Fuck that shit,
I'm calling my ex."
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00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,615
LAUGHTER
119
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,335
Seriously! No, not doing it again.
120
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,895
You call your ex, don't you?
121
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,695
You think to yourself, "I've just
got to let this relationship last
122
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,655
"for seven weeks,
until we get past Valentine's,
123
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,015
"and then I can get rid of him."
Do you know what I mean?
124
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,375
That's why some of you lot are here
with your partners now.
125
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,215
You didn't realise.
Called you cos they were lonely,
126
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,095
not cos they actually love you
or want you. Know what I'm saying?
127
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,815
But you know,
it makes me think about,
128
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,535
obviously, when I was younger.
129
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,935
I don't know,
anyone here over the age of 40?
130
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,455
CHEER
131
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,135
OK, some of you
are lying to yourself.
132
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,695
LAUGHTER
133
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,975
It is different,
it's different when you're over 40,
134
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,375
and you start going out,
135
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,935
do you know what I mean,
you go raving.
136
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,135
I remember when I was in my 20s,
right, all you young people...
137
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,695
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
Yeah, no, "Whoo!" OK, thanks.
138
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,895
When you're in your 20s
and you go out,
139
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,095
like, I could go out
raving all night,
140
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,815
like proper go down low
141
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,535
and actually get back up again.
LAUGHTER
142
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,055
Right? And I would go out,
and I would go to work,
143
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,575
and I could do the whole 24 hours
with no sleep.
144
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,295
Take a little Pro Pill tablet.
Do you remember Pro Pill tablets?
145
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,895
Heart was palpitating,
you were like,
146
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,695
"Is it the Pro Pill,
or was it the drugs? Which one?"
147
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,335
And now, at my age, like, over 40 -
148
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,135
that's as much as I'm telling you -
when I'm going out,
149
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,375
all I'm thinking about
with regards to my tablets is,
150
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,415
"Did I take
my iron tablets today?
151
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,095
"Did I take my iron tablets?"
152
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,615
And it really makes me think about
the fact that now,
153
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,455
you know, I can't treat myself to
certain things I used to in my 20s.
154
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,695
In your 20s, you treat yourself
to a new hairstyle,
155
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,055
right, cos I'm a Black girl,
156
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,055
and we like to change
our hair every week.
157
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,815
OK, this is
one Brazilian girl's hair,
158
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,095
but anyway, we won't get into
that conversation.
159
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:52,575
But now, when you're 40, it's like
the treat that I give myself
160
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:57,775
is going to buy myself
a full body MOT on discount at BUPA.
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00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,855
LAUGHTER
162
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,375
Full check-up. Or just go to the GP
and get you over 40 check-up.
163
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,415
Do you know what I mean?
164
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,055
But now I do things differently.
165
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:09,575
I went shopping the other day,
mm-hm, at Whole Foods.
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00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,495
AUDIENCE: O00h!
That's what I said.
167
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,375
And you know what I realised?
168
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,655
The reason why people are slim
who go to Whole Foods
169
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,255
is not the foods,
it's the prices.
170
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,175
LAUGHTER
171
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,575
I mean, I left there, right,
with three items for £159.
172
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,175
Like, what the hell was I buying?
173
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,815
I was walking around, trying to pick
the most cheapest thing.
174
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,095
I walked out there
with some animal's eggs.
175
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,295
But I thought, "You know what,
I'm gonna keep going.
176
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,335
"They don't need to know about
what's in my pocket."
177
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,975
You understand?
That's just between me and you, OK?
178
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,095
Oh, you stole as well? OK, girl!
LAUGHTER
179
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,015
Are you from South London?
180
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,215
I was just checking.
LAUGHTER
181
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,775
And it made me think
about Whole Foods.
182
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,735
I was thinking to myself,
"You know what,
183
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,975
"that's the kind of place
I should be going to find a man."
184
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,895
Do you know what I mean?
I want a Whole Foods brother.
185
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:57,975
Do you know what I mean?
186
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,095
Forget Tesco's non-fuel
limp-dick Dave.
187
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,215
LAUGHTER
188
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,375
I want a Whole Foods brother, yeah,
189
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,495
with a whole full bank account
and some alkaline sperm,
190
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,015
that's what I want, OK!
LAUGHTER
191
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,495
But you know, thinking of Christmas,
Black Christmas,
192
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,335
there is such a thing
called Black Christmas.
193
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,615
Black people in the house?
194
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,855
CHEER
Oh, there's a few.
195
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,895
Whoo! There's one that flew in.
196
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,895
LAUGHTER
197
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,815
But no, Black Christmas
is different, OK?
198
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,415
Black Christmas, the reason why
I've called it Black Christmas,
199
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,575
cos it's about the food.
200
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,055
I know for everyone
it's about the food, but we go deep.
201
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,055
We don't go to Whole Foods, we go
to Whole Whole Foods in Brixton,
202
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,055
where we can buy a box of chicken
for 20 quid,
203
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,255
then everyone gets to eat.
204
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,935
We got the rice and peas,
you understand,
205
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,215
we got the jollof rice,
the plain rice, the jerk chicken.
206
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,575
Oh, and we got the turkey,
and we've got the normal chicken,
207
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,535
and we've got the lamb
with the jerk, yeah, yeah.
208
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,855
We've got the macaroni cheese
and the potato salad,
209
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,495
then Grandma's come with her
potato salad and macaroni cheese,
210
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,255
and you can't tell that bitch no.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
211
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,455
LAUGHTER
And we had the football.
212
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:06,935
Oh, my gosh, the World Cup.
I mean, oh, I swear, it was a lot,
213
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,295
and it was amazing to see.
214
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,655
Obviously,
there was a bit of controversy
215
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,855
with the whole, you know,
human rights
216
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,975
and how they were going on about
the LGBT plus community.
217
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,255
And we did the most British thing
that we do.
218
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,495
We was like, "No, we must stand
against this. This is terrible."
219
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,695
We sent out a few tweets
220
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,135
and we said, you know,
we was upset.
221
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,415
We was upset about that,
and human rights.
222
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,575
And then we found out
there wasn't gonna be no alcohol,
223
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,815
we was like, "No alcohol?!
I want my ticket back!"
224
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,255
LAUGHTER
225
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,055
APPLAUSE
226
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,095
People, my name's Judy Love,
enjoy your evening.
227
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,895
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
228
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,775
JONATHAN ROSS: Judy Love,
ladies and gentlemen.
229
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,375
Judy Love.
230
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,615
Thank you, Judy-
231
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,255
Fabulous Judy Love.
232
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,815
Ancl Judy's gonna be touring
the country with her new show,
233
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,375
The One Like Judy Love,
next year,
234
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,175
so make sure you grab some tickets
for that.
235
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,735
Don't go away,
because still to come,
236
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,215
we've got loads more comedy
from Tom Allen, Katherine Ryan,
237
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,575
Babatunde Aleshe and Bill Bailey.
See you after the break.
238
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,375
CHEERING
239
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,375
BAND PLAY THEME MUSIC
240
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,055
BAND PLAY THEME MUSIC
241
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,615
Welcome back to the show, everyone.
Welcome back.
242
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,815
Tonight, of course,
we're celebrating New Year's,
243
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,535
and I love the party,
a New Year's party,
244
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,815
I love a party popper.
LAUGHTER
245
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,015
They're the best way to get
the party started,
246
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,575
as this lady found out.
247
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,615
Oh!
248
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:50,935
POP
249
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,535
APPLAUSE
250
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,375
Poor thing.
251
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,895
But don't worry,
we've checked, she's fine.
252
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,415
OK, so, it's time to bring out
the next act for the evening.
253
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,175
Ladies and gentlemen, the man
who's always dressed for a party,
254
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,015
as long as that party's
at Down ton Abbey,
255
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,655
the one and only Tom Allen.
256
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,695
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
257
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,095
BAND PLAY
258
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,615
BAND FINISH,
CHEERING
259
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,375
H I, everybody!
260
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,215
Thank you for that lovely music.
Are you all having a lovely time?
261
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,895
CHEERING
Good. Happy New Year, everyone.
262
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,055
Lovely time of year, this, isn't it?
263
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,695
I love the nativity plays at school.
264
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,655
Did anyone go to a nativity play?
265
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,055
AUDIENCE WHOOP
Oh, I love...
266
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,175
When I was at school, it wasn't
very well historically researched.
267
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,855
If you were a shepherd,
you had to wear a dressing gown,
268
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,535
which was supposed to look like
the shepherd's outfits
269
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,535
from 2,000 years ago.
270
00:11:55,560 --> 00:12:00,335
Unfortunately, one kid in my class
turned up wearing a kimono.
271
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,535
Another boy wore his judo outfit.
272
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,735
I mean, what were those shepherds
doing up there?
273
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,015
They weren't watching their flocks
at night, were they?
274
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,695
Setting up a bloody dojo.
275
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,575
And as well, to represent, like,
other parts of the outfit,
276
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,135
they had to wear a tea towel
on their head.
277
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,455
Well, that's all very well,
but one boy in my class,
278
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,335
he had a tea towel
that said Whipsnade Zoo on it.
279
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,255
LAUGHTER
280
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,975
Not very well researched at all.
Hello.
281
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,455
So, for a long time,
I've been living with a couple
282
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,695
called Dad and Mum.
283
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,495
LAUGHTER
284
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,575
But then, recently,
I got my own place!
285
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,375
CHEERING
Oh, it's been very exciting.
286
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,815
I've got a little garden,
which is nice,
287
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,335
although I do get very stressed,
very stressed,
288
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,615
about the slugs, right, slugs -
289
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,855
the snails that are homeless.
290
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,735
And they... they come out,
right, they come out.
291
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,095
They don't come out, but they...
292
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,455
I'd love that. "I'm gay!"
LAUGHTER
293
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,535
You don't look it.
294
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:59,375
They come out and they attach
themselves to my bush, right?
295
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,695
And I have to go out after dark
with a torch,
296
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,735
padding around the undergrowth,
crawling around the bushes
297
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,615
like some sort of gay in the 1970s.
298
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:08,695
LAUGHTER
299
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,175
The only thing getting sucked off
is my hydrangeas!
300
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,655
LAUGHTER
301
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,335
And as well, I get foxes,
foxes come in the garden,
302
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,055
they sit on my garden furniture.
303
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,495
I have to get a saucepan
and bang it with a wooden spoon
304
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,935
to try and scare them away.
305
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,175
People don't know
if I'm thanking a nurse...
306
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,055
LAUGHTER
307
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,575
...or scaring away a fox.
308
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,495
And as well,
when you get your own place, right,
309
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,895
you don't have any furniture,
no furniture, no furniture.
310
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,055
Nobody told me that.
311
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,895
First three weeks,
I was standing up.
312
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,295
LAUGHTER
313
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,655
So, had to get somewhere to sleep,
so I went to a department store,
314
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,415
and I went to
the mattress department.
315
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,215
This woman came over and she said,
"Hi, I'm Faye."
316
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,375
I said, "Oh, my God, so am I!"
317
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,695
LAUGHTER
318
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,495
She had sort of sparkly shoes on,
319
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,295
and she carried with her
an air of sadness.
320
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,055
She said,
"Do you need a bed as well?"
321
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,055
I was like, "Yeah, of course I need
a bed as well!
322
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,375
"I don't just want a mattress.
323
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,975
"I'm gonna put
in the corner of the room
324
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,535
"like I live in
some sort of crack den!"
325
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,735
Me and the slugs chasing the dragon!
326
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,295
She said, "Well, I suppose
you want memory foam."
327
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,495
"Everybody wants memory foam
these days!
328
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:18,935
"I don't see the point of it
myself."
329
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,695
It was like
she was trying to forget.
330
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,895
She said, "Come over
and see this memory foam.
331
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,495
"Lie on it, lie on it, relax on it.
Relax! Are you relaxed?"
332
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,775
It's very hard to relax,
333
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,815
cos she's standing
at the end of the bed
334
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,015
like some sort of spectre
in the night.
335
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,215
Like a night terror.
She said, "Are you supported?"
336
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,935
I said,
"I've got some good friends."
337
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,935
LAUGHTER
She said, "Try and turn over."
338
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,775
I couldn't turn over on this
memory foam. Could not turn over.
339
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,935
It was like
I was drowning in memories.
340
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,695
"Why did he leave?!"
341
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,935
And then I was like, "No,
I don't want memory foam, Faye."
342
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,735
She said,
"Well, do you have nightstands?"
343
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,055
I said, "Faye,
that is none of your business."
344
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,215
LAUGHTER
345
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,255
Then I realised she meant
bedside tables.
346
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,935
And we went to look
at the bedside tables,
347
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,135
and they're always on, like,
a little set, you know,
348
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,135
where it's a little bed
and a bedside table
349
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,295
and a little window
with a little blind on it.
350
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,615
By the way, I am 39 years old
351
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,095
and I still do not know
how to work a roller blind.
352
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,655
You pull it down
to pull it down, right?
353
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,575
To make it go back up again,
you pull down again.
354
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,935
To make it go back, you pull it down
again, it stays down.
355
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,975
So then I pull it down again,
still stays down.
356
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,655
Pull it down again,
still stays down!
357
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,255
The whole window has got, like,
a skirt on it now.
358
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,175
LAUGHTER
I don't understand roller blinds.
359
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,455
And by the way,
they put these sets out,
360
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,855
of a bedside table with, like,
one angle-poise lamp and a journal.
361
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,215
Nobody's bedside table
looks like that!
362
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,575
Everybody's bedside table
has got 37 glasses of water on it.
363
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,095
LAUGHTER
364
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,575
Downstairs in the kitchen, going,
365
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,415
"I'm sure we've got glasses
in this house!"
366
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,735
Half a dozen books he started
and couldn't be bothered to finish,
367
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,935
and every receipt from
every purchase you've ever made!
368
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,255
And no-one's writing a journal
in bed, are they?
369
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,735
Cos everybody gets into bed
and does exactly the same thing,
370
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,935
YOU prop yourself up,
YOU get your phone,
371
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,575
and you start go ogling things,
372
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,735
go ogling things like,
"Why can't I sleep?"
373
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,135
LAUGHTER
374
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,895
"Why is my neck so sore?"
375
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,735
"Osteopaths in my area."
376
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,055
LAUGHTER
377
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,615
And so, and so, right,
378
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,335
and so I was like, "No, I don't want
a bedside table, thank you, Faye,
379
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,335
"I just want to get a mattress."
380
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,535
Well, they ask you
all these questions, like,
381
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,895
"How many springs do you like?"
I don't know! Two?
382
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,615
She takes me over
to these mattresses,
383
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,575
she says, "Try this one,
sleep on this one."
384
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,215
And how cocky
are these mattress companies
385
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,175
that they have to put down
a plastic sheet on the mattress?
386
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,095
Like their mattresses
are so relaxing
387
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,935
I'm gonna immediately get on it
and suddenly piss myself!
388
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,255
LAUGHTER
389
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,135
Right? So, she said...
390
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,015
Before, she said,
"What size do you want?"
391
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,775
She says,
"I suppose you want a queen size."
392
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,775
I thought that was homophobic.
LAUGHTER
393
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,775
I got onto this mattress,
sliding around all over the place
394
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,895
like I was trying to go to bed
on a ice rink, right,
395
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,335
and then Faye gets in the bed
next to me!
396
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,375
LAUGHTER
Then she says, "How do you sleep?"
397
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,295
Which sounds sort of accusatory,
doesn't it?
398
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,455
It's the sort of thing
they shout at serial killers
399
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,015
when they're leaving court.
400
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,855
"How do you sleep?!
How do you sleep?!"
401
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,055
"No, tell me, how do you sleep?"
402
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,535
Well, if I was at home, I probably
wouldn't have my shoes on,
403
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,335
I definitely wouldn't have
all these people walking around me,
404
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,655
and I certainly wouldn't have
a woman lying next to me!
405
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,295
LAUGHTER
Anyway, I gave her the money.
406
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,215
She walked off,
got on the escalator.
407
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,095
I don't think she worked there
at all!
408
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,095
LAUGHTER
409
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,415
But the thing is,
since getting my own place,
410
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,495
I've become very house-proud,
I'm rather like my mother.
411
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,295
I like to make
the bathroom very nice.
412
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,615
When I was growing up,
413
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,615
we didn't have carpet
in the bathroom, we had lino,
414
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,175
but we had a very small amount
of carpet
415
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,095
around the base of the toilet.
416
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,335
It was like a sort of poncho...
417
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,575
for the toilet.
LAUGHTER
418
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:57,335
A poncho soaked in... piss.
419
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,215
LAUGHTER
420
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,295
And then the lid of the toilet had,
like, a fur hat on.
421
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,495
Like the whole toilet had gone
to Turkey for a hair transplant.
422
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,415
LAUGHTER
423
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,775
And as well, I have hard water,
424
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,455
I don't mean to brag.
425
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,215
LAUGHTER
426
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,295
And I get very concerned about
the water staining the shower screen
427
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,055
and the tiles,
so I had to get a squidger.
428
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,015
Have you got a squidger?
Have you got a squidger?
429
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,215
If you haven't got one,
430
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,095
it's basically a thing
you keep in the shower.
431
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,295
After your shower,
you turn off the water,
432
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,415
and then you stand there,
shivering...
433
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,295
...freezing cold, crying,
434
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,495
right, you have to bend down
to pick it up,
435
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:39,135
which is so undignified
when you're naked, cold.
436
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,815
Bend down, pick it up,
get the squidger,
437
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,855
going, "Eeeeeeeh!
438
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,935
"Eeeeeeeh!EeeeeehP'
439
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,415
Like I'm in
Confessions of a Window Cleaner!
440
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,695
I think, "Oh, God,
if anybody could see me now,
441
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,135
"if they could see me now,
what would they think?"
442
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,695
Of course, they CAN see me,
cos I can't work the roller blind.
443
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,775
LAUGHTER
444
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,095
JONATHAN: Tom Allen!
That was fantastic, wasn't it?
445
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,695
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
446
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,775
Ancl you'll be delighted to know
Tom will be on tour
447
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,015
with his new show, Completely,
from February.
448
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,895
That's right.
449
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,415
Tom, no, you should go now.
450
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,255
Where? No-one tells you
where to go on this show.
451
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,455
Well...
You just stand here.
452
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,255
Judy got an advert break
after her bit.
453
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,135
LAUGHTER
454
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,495
What's happening? Do you just
want me to piss off over there?
455
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,735
LAUGHTER
456
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,335
You can't just stand there.
457
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,535
It's like a weird Elf On The Shelf
or something
458
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,695
if you're there the whole time!
Well, off...
459
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,455
You can go that way.
460
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,815
Tom Allen, ladies and gentlemen!
The fabulous Tom Allen. Bye!
461
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,135
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
462
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,975
Oh, no, don't break...
Now you're breaking the set.
463
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,335
What's this piece of old shit?
Where'd you get this from, a runway?
464
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,255
Oh, look, and there's nothing
in that glass anyway.
465
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,255
There is! There is!
466
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:03,735
LAUGHTER
467
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,775
APPLAUSE
468
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,335
Tom Allen.
469
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:12,295
OK, it's time for our next act,
ladies and gentlemen.
470
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,535
Ancl he did amazingly well
in the jungle,
471
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,975
despite the fact, yeah...
CHEERING
472
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,415
I'm excited as well.
473
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,375
But he did so well,
despite the fact he said,
474
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,615
"I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here,"
475
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,855
in the very first minute
he was on TV.
476
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,335
It is the fabulous Babatunde Aleshe!
477
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,335
BAND PLAY
478
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,335
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
479
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,415
BAND FINISH PLAYING
All right!
480
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,855
Yeah.
481
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,775
Wow.
482
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,055
What's going on, people?
You all right?
483
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,975
CHEERING
484
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,175
Everyone came dressed out
to see man like Jonathan,
485
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,655
but obviously man like me as well,
come on.
486
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,335
You get me?
487
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,215
This is nice, man, nice to be here.
488
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,775
Obviously I'm out now, been out
for a long time now, of the jungle.
489
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:14,055
It's good, man. I was in there with
Matt the booty-grabbing Hancock,
490
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,255
you know what I'm saying?
491
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,895
LAUGHTER
492
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,375
Trust me, when I saw him coming,
I was like, "Oh, no, nah, bruv."
493
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,175
Not me, bruv. Hide my booty, bruv.
494
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,895
I know what man like you does.
495
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,415
Get me? It was jokes, man,
I'm not gonna lie to you.
496
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,255
I didn't want to do it
the first time,
497
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,535
cos I got asked twice, yeah.
498
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:34,295
First time they asked me...
How I gauge, like, taking the jobs,
499
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,535
I always gauge it by
how long my manager
500
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,335
says hello on the phone, right?
501
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,535
And the reason why I do it like that
502
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,055
is because the longer
she says hello,
503
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,855
is the more money involved,
do you know what I'm saying?
504
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,375
When she called me up to first time,
she was just like, "Hello."
505
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,935
I was like, "Uh-uh, no."
506
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,935
Add more zeros to that,
do you know what I'm saying?
507
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,015
|TV's got money, you get me?
508
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,295
Second time she called me,
she was like,
509
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,855
"Hellooooooo! "
510
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,415
I was like, "I'm listening."
LAUGHTER
511
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,455
They got me in there with frogs.
512
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,735
Did you guys see that?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
513
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,455
I know you guys were laughing.
I hate every single one of you.
514
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:11,815
LAUGHTER
515
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,015
How you gonna put me in there
with frogs?
516
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:17,335
Who knew a man from Tottenham
would be scared of frogs?
517
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,495
You know what I'm saying?
When I got back to Tottenham,
518
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,855
all my friends were like,
519
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,015
"So, you're scared of frogs, yeah?"
520
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,255
LAUGHTER
521
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,015
"That what you're scared of, yeah?
522
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,495
"All the knife crime that goes on,
frogs is your thing?"
523
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,495
LAUGHTER
524
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,855
Hurt my feelings, man.
525
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,815
When I did it, you guys saw
526
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:42,015
the heavily edited version
of that trial, right?
527
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,215
Cos I was crying.
528
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,775
I was proper screaming.
529
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,295
What you guys didn't see
was the fact that in my box,
530
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,375
yeah, when I had the frogs,
531
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,535
two frogs decided to
start having sex.
532
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,855
They were just like, "We're humping,
533
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,935
"we don't care about you, Babatunde,
we are having sex NOW!"
534
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,535
LAUGHTER
535
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,455
The next frog decided
that my head was its throne,
536
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,095
it decided, "I'm gonna sit here
for the whole trial."
537
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,215
And then another frog decided,
538
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,815
"I'm just gonna give you a hickey
throughout this whole..."
539
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,015
LAUGHTER
Upset me, man.
540
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,895
I was happy when I got back home,
I was so happy when I got back home,
541
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,215
cos I got to see my wife
and I got to see my son.
542
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,375
I've got a six-year-old boy
and I love him,
543
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,775
I just absolutely adore him,
544
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,975
you know, he's just the cutest,
sweetest thing.
545
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,455
You know, I looked at him
and I was just like,
546
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:32,455
"Wow, you're six and you already
have a better life than I did."
547
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,095
Right? "Your dad's on TV, bruv,
are you mad?"
548
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,775
LAUGHTER
Know what I mean?
549
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,215
And I was looking at him,
and I just got pissed off,
550
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,735
I just looked at him, I was like,
"You privileged prick."
551
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,255
You know what I'm saying, like?
LAUGHTER
552
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:46,575
You know what I'm saying?
553
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,735
Cos he has everything
I never had as a child,
554
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:49,775
you know what I'm saying?
555
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,335
Even the other day, he comes up me,
like, "Daddy, Daddy..."
556
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,975
First of all,
my son has a posh accent,
557
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,135
cos we live in Hertfordshire,
cos I got money.
558
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,015
CHEERING
559
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,575
It pisses me the hell off
when he talks,
560
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,135
especially when my friends
from Tottenham come around,
561
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,455
cos they all come up to him
and they'll be like,
562
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,575
"What's going on, little man?
Look at you, bruv! What's going on?"
563
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,855
And my son will be like,
"Oh, hello, Uncle Neil."
564
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,175
Just like, "Hey, get out of here,
go back to your bedroom."
565
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,415
Go eat a cucumber sandwich
or something. Know what I'm saying?
566
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,095
Hate the way he talks.
My son comes home and he's like,
567
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:24,495
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,
what's the Wi-Fi password?
568
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,375
I'm thinking,
"Wi-Fi password, at your age?"
569
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,375
He's like, "Yes, Dad,
what's the Wi-Fi password?
570
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,935
"I'm trying to get on my tablet."
571
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,495
I'm just like,
"Wow, look at my son."
572
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,535
Like, he's got everything,
know what I'm saying?
573
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,535
He's got Wi-Fi, he's got toys,
he's got his own bedroom,
574
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,695
he's got a dad,
you know what I'm saying?
575
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,415
LAUGHTER
576
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,095
Now, me and my wife,
577
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,255
we decided we're gonna
take this boy to private school.
578
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,455
You know what I'm saying?
579
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,215
Again, I've got money, bruv,
trust me.
580
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,615
LAUGHTER
581
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,335
Went to the school
and they were so excited, you know,
582
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,175
especially when they saw me,
they were like,
583
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,095
"Oh, my gosh, Babatunde Aleshe,
oh, my God!
584
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,415
"I hate frogs, too!",
I'm just like, "Whatever, man."
585
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,295
Don't try and be my friend,
you know what I'm saying?
586
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,495
They took us around,
they showed us the whole school,
587
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,455
they were like,
"So, let's see some facilities.
588
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,695
"Here's the basketball area,
589
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,135
"which I'm sure your little man..."
Yes, I know.
590
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,775
"And here's the swimming facili...
You know, let's just skip that one."
591
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,575
LAUGHTER
592
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,375
And they were just like,
"In this school,
593
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,975
"we pride our self on no bullying."
594
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,775
And that's where I drew the line.
595
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,815
I'm thinking, "No bullying?
596
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,815
"For my son?
This little privileged prick?"
597
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,495
LAUGHTER
598
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,655
Cos I need him to get bullied,
he needs to grow a pair,
599
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,495
you know what I'm saying?
600
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,695
Nah, man. I got bullied,
so he should get bullied.
601
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,455
There's a lot of things
in my son's life
602
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,695
that I just want to do,
just because I went through it.
603
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,655
Like, you know,
I grew up without a dad,
604
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,255
so sometimes, when I look at my son,
I'm just like,
605
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,015
"I should just leave."
LAUGHTER
606
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,135
APPLAUSE
607
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,295
Traumatise them,
you know what I mean?
608
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,975
You guys have been fantastic.
609
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,935
My name's Babatunde,
thank you very much, take care.
610
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,495
JONATHAN: Yeah!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
611
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,855
Babatunde Aleshe,
ladies and gentlemen.
612
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:19,895
That was great, thank you.
Babatunde!
613
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,015
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
614
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,455
Babatunde's UK tour, Babahood,
starts in January,
615
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,055
so you can go and see him
very, very soon.
616
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,175
Don't go away, though,
617
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,375
because there's plenty more comedy
still to come.
618
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:33,895
Katherine Ryan coming up,
Bill Bailey,
619
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,135
plus a very special performance
from Ezra Collective.
620
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,695
See you in a couple of minutes.
621
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,655
BAND PLAY,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
622
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,335
Welcome back to the show, everyone.
623
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,575
OK, so, the countdown to midnight
is approaching fast.
624
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,295
So, let's get my next guest out.
I'm thrilled she's on the show.
625
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,335
It's very rare to find someone
who's both funny
626
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,015
and amazingly glamourous.
I mean, there's me of course, but...
627
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,015
LAUGHTER
628
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,335
And even I bow to
the stylishly stunning
629
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,015
and brilliantly funny
Katherine Ryan.
630
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,175
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING,
BAND PLAY
631
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,055
INAUDIBLE
632
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,935
BAND FINISH
633
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,695
Thank you!
634
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,175
Oh, my goodness.
Happy New Year, nearly.
635
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,055
It's so good to see you all here,
having a little drink.
636
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,015
I hope you had a good,
very peaceful holiday season.
637
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,495
I was happy to get
my two little sisters
638
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,895
round the same table
for the first time in a long time.
639
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,695
Guys, we can talk about it now.
640
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,655
They fell out, they fell out
over the pandem, yeah.
641
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,575
The vaccine mandates,
all the lock downs in Canada.
642
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,855
And we have to, looking back,
in hindsight,
643
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,855
say we turned into a bunch
of snitches, didn't we?
644
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:14,335
"Hello, Linda, there's an extra
person at my cousin's funeral!"
645
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:15,535
Fuck off, you know?
646
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,415
Like, never turn your back
on your friend,
647
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,335
your neighbour, your own family.
648
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,895
I remember a time when you could
shake hands, walk away friends,
649
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,615
even if you disagreed.
650
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,415
And I never snitch on anyone.
651
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,295
There's a saying
on the London Underground,
652
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,375
"See it, say it, sorted."
I have a very similar saying,
653
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,775
"See it... and shut the fuck up."
654
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,815
LAUGHTER
655
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,895
I'm a very unlikely advocate
for anti-vaxxers,
656
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,575
but certain characters
should have stayed out of it.
657
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,095
If Matt Hancock told me
to stay hydrated, I'd be like,
658
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,335
"Oh, shit, what's that prick
put in the water?"
659
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,775
And I would start brushing my teeth
with Fanta.
660
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,215
LAUGHTER
661
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:54,255
Get anyone else
to give us medical news. Anyone.
662
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,975
Get Molly-Mae to roll out
the Pretty Little Vaccine.
663
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,015
I don't care.
LAUGHTER
664
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:02,295
"We've all got the 24 hours in the
day the same to get the vaccine!"
665
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,655
I don't care.
666
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:05,535
LAUGHTER
667
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,335
No, my sisters weren't speaking
because they disagreed.
668
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,535
So, I have two sisters,
I love them both very much.
669
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,655
There's Carrie, my favourite,
and Joanne, who we don't like.
670
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,095
LAUGHTER
671
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,215
Joanne lives in the mountains
of Western Canada.
672
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,055
Her nearest neighbours are bears.
673
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,255
She was always more likely
to get rabies than COVID.
674
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,655
Joanne is 35 and otherwise healthy,
675
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,895
Joanne is vaxxed to the max.
She was isolating.
676
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,175
Joanne would take a vaccine
for testicular cancer
677
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,535
if it was offered to her.
678
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,735
LAUGHTER
679
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,535
And that's fine.
I respect everyone's right
680
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,895
to keep themselves and their
community safe how they want.
681
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:39,535
But Joanne wouldn't speak to Carrie,
682
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:42,495
because Carrie feels that there...
683
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,375
there might have been
a group of people
684
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:46,895
who were trying to sneak
a chip into her body
685
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:50,495
so that they could follow
her very boring life...
686
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,255
LAUGHTER
687
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,055
...that she publishes
to social media for free!
688
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:58,175
And that is the more exciting sister
to talk to.
689
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:00,935
I love Carrie very much.
690
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,215
My only problem with Carrie
is that she has breast implants.
691
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:05,615
And guys, we're friends,
692
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,815
I have breast implants,
693
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:09,735
so I can tell you that
all breast implants
694
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,895
have a unique serial number
written on them.
695
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,575
But you never hear
a conspiracy theorist glamour model
696
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:17,215
in your damn life.
697
00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:18,575
Not one has ever been like...
698
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:22,295
GASPS
"Oh, My God, Tracy.
699
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,775
"I think he's chipped my tits,
babe."
700
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,455
LAUGHTER
701
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,175
"No, I'm not joking.
Bill Gates is single now, in't he?"
702
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,175
"Tra... Tracy,
every time I take my top off,
703
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,175
"my Microsoft Office updates!"
704
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,175
LAUGHTER
705
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,335
"I think he's tracking me, Trace!"
706
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,735
But that would be
the more exciting person to talk to.
707
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:50,495
I don't judge, is what I'm saying.
708
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,695
How can I? I'm pregnant again.
CHEERING
709
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,415
Stop.
710
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,215
Don't. just happy it's not yours.
Don't.
711
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,335
I'm pregnant all the time.
But who can blame me,
712
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:06,975
with the amount that Pete Davidson
is in the news?
713
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,015
Ladies, have you seen this man?
He's unstoppable!
714
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:13,615
He's been rumoured to be with
Kim Kardashian,
715
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,215
Kate Beckinsale, formerly,
716
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,855
now dating Emily Ratajkowski,
allegedly.
717
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:19,295
He's dated Ariana Grande.
718
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,655
And people are like,
"How does this guy do it?
719
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,895
"Like, he's a comedian,
he's very famous, he's funny,
720
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,935
"but how's he getting
these totally hot women?
721
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:28,775
"Could it be his ten inch penis?"
722
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:30,735
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
723
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:35,135
Yeah, I think it might be.
724
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,335
Which is a lot more impressive
here in the UK on the metric system.
725
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,655
That is 2 5 centimetres!
726
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,495
LAUGHTER
727
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,335
Pardon me? We're talking about
a quarter metre dick.
728
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,175
That's like a small owl.
729
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:54,815
It's...
730
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:57,695
It's the length of
an Android tablet.
731
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,855
Good luck posting it. It will not
fit in a standard sized envelope.
732
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,895
I'm trying to better myself, 2023.
733
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:12,975
I have a New Year's resolution.
That resolution is to get a hobby.
734
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,775
Have you ever asked a working mother
what her hobbies are?
735
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,775
You will see shame and panic
across her face.
736
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,335
Like, "Ho... Hobby?
Well, sometimes,
737
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,655
"when I'm rushing past the cupboard
to grab kitchen roll
738
00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:26,335
"because someone's been sick
on the dog,
739
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,775
"I treat myself to a spoonful
of Nutella. Mmm!"
740
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,695
LAUGHTER
741
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,415
That's my hobby.
Sometimes, I go to the toilet alone.
742
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,375
That's my hobby.
743
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,095
Men have hobbies. Don't you, lads?
Men have hobbies.
744
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,535
And a lot of people have accused me
of hating men in the past.
745
00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:45,015
I didn't know any of you
well enough to hate you.
746
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,415
I married now. You can't hate a man
until you love one.
747
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,135
Now I know how loud you snore.
748
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,975
Like you're announcing to the house,
"Is anyone else asleep?"
749
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,535
LAUGHTER
750
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:56,335
My husband has a hobby.
751
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:58,855
He makes space in his life
for leisure activities.
752
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,815
My husband golfs.
753
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,335
Like Donald Trump golfs.
754
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,455
It's nice that they can have
similar interests, huh?
755
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,255
I mean, I get it,
golf is very good exercise,
756
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:09,695
it's good for the mental health.
757
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,175
But it takes a special kind of
dickhead to have a five-hour hobby.
758
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,175
LAUGHTER
759
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:22,575
Five hours, sir, really?
That's more than I sleep.
760
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:26,815
Five hours is more than
my daughter's screen time allowance.
761
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,255
I thought this man loved me
until winter came,
762
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,175
and he continued to golf.
763
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:33,935
What would I like to do
on my day off?
764
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,615
Quality time with my children?
765
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,695
No thanks, I'd rather catch RSV,
stood in the freezing rain
766
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:42,095
for the length of time it takes
to drive from London to Carlisle.
767
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,255
LAUGHTER
768
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,615
How boring could I possibly be?
769
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,215
We've only been married
a short time.
770
00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,695
I still suck him off
enthusiastically.
771
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,175
LAUGHTER
772
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:53,935
Thank you.
773
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,055
CHEERING
Thank you for that.
774
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,415
And he's ambling around outdoors
in a hostile climate
775
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,575
with a bag of sticks
like a shit Bear Grylls.
776
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:08,175
LAUGHTER
777
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:10,335
Oh, I'm sorry
I haven't got 18 holes.
778
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:11,855
It's just the three.
779
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:14,375
LAUGHTER
780
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:18,855
I just want you
to spend time with me.
781
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,335
I suppose I could make
them more challenging
782
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,895
by adding obstacles or sand traps.
783
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:25,815
LAUGHTER
784
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,975
Invite his friends over
for a game of scramble.
785
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,295
I don't know.
786
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,615
That's funny to me,
because in the car today,
787
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,015
I asked my husband loads of
golf questions on the way here,
788
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:36,615
like, "What's a scramble?"
789
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,695
So, he had a hand
in writing those lovely jokes
790
00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:42,455
about how golf makes him a prick.
791
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,135
LAUGHTER
792
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:47,495
Erm... Well, guys, I've got to
continue growing all these babies.
793
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:48,855
You know, unlike Nick Cannon,
794
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,335
I cannot impregnate
12 Instagram models in a fortnight,
795
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,975
so I wish you a very happy New Year,
796
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,335
thank you so much for listening.
I'll see you soon.
797
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,335
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
798
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,615
Katherine Ryan,
ladies and gentlemen.
799
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,455
Thank you, Katherine.
800
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,175
Thank you, Jonathan.
801
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:10,935
"I still suck him off
enthusiastically."
802
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,815
Katherine's stand-up show, Missus,
is on Sky Comedy
803
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,015
tomorrow night at 10:00pm,
and available on Now.
804
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,575
Katherine Ryan,
ladies and gentlemen.
805
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:21,335
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
806
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:23,735
Don't go away,
because we're closing the show
807
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:27,335
with a very special performance
from the brilliant Bill Bailey.
808
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:29,335
We'll see you after the break.
809
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,255
BAND PLAY ,
APPLAUSE
810
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,055
BAND PLAY ,
APPLAUSE
811
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,455
Welcome back, everyone. Welcome back
to the best New Year's party
812
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,615
that you don't actually have to
leave your house for.
813
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,575
Right, now, closing the show for us,
814
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,535
I'm very excited,
I know you are as well,
815
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,175
we've got one of the UK's
best loved comedians,
816
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,975
and, bizarrely,
one of our best ballroom dancers.
817
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,695
Please put your hands together
for the magnificent Bill Bailey.
818
00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:07,695
BAND PLAY
819
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,135
MUSIC STOPS
820
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:32,455
Sorry, I was just...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
821
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,215
Thanks for that. I loved that.
822
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:37,575
Hello.
AUDIENCE: Hello!
823
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,295
Yes.
824
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,575
The ballroom dancing.
Let's just address that,
825
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:44,415
just shall we briefly?
826
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,415
Who knew the hippy could dance? No.
827
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,135
The thing is, it's fixed my posture.
828
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:51,535
Right, because I used to have
very poor posture.
829
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:52,975
Now it's like... You know.
830
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,175
So, it's fixed the posture
for selfies.
831
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,015
A lot of people ask me for selfies.
832
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,455
Before, it was very...
I was very awkward, like that.
833
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:04,215
"All right? Hello."
834
00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:06,455
And now it's like...
LAUGHTER
835
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,495
And a bloke came to deliver
a package to my house,
836
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,495
and he said, "Can I have a photo?"
I went, "Yeah, sure."
837
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,535
And I went like that.
He went, "No, of the package."
838
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,375
LAUGHTER
839
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:21,055
So, I just styled it out.
"Oh, yeah, I knew that."
840
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,735
It's difficult to deal with
that level of fame.
841
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,255
It's a huge amount of
interest in you
842
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,455
when you're on a show like that,
like Strictly.
843
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,775
And... And people want to
take pictures of you,
844
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,375
sell them to the tabloids.
845
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:35,695
And I had some very interesting
encounters, very odd encounters.
846
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:38,775
Some bloke got in touch with me
via Twitter, right,
847
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:42,655
and let's be honest, Twitter can be
a bit of a swamp of unpleasantness.
848
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:46,295
And my socials tend to be
quite wholesome, you know.
849
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,335
A lot of my social media
is basically
850
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:51,295
people send me photographs of moths
to identify.
851
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,855
LAUGHTER
852
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,095
And...
853
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:57,935
there's nothing much
for the tabloids there.
854
00:37:57,960 --> 00:37:59,815
It's not salacious, you know?
855
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:04,255
And he got in touch with me,
and he said to me, "Bill," he goes,
856
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:07,495
"I just want to warn you,
here are some screen shots
857
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:10,695
"of some emails I've sent
to a tabloid newspaper."
858
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,375
I was like, "Oh, I don't know
about this, this is a bit worrying."
859
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:16,295
And he said... He showed me
the emails, the screen shots,
860
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,735
and it was like this,
"Dear Daily Mail,
861
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:22,655
"I have some compromising
video material of Bill Bailey."
862
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:23,735
All right,
863
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,935
and I'm thinking,
"What the hell is this,
864
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,735
"is this me misidentifying a moth
in a pub car park?"
865
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,015
So, anyway, so they come back,
866
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:32,975
said, "What is the nature
of this material?"
867
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,615
And he emailed back, he said,
"I was out in the countryside,
868
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,695
"I heard a commotion in a field,
I looked through the hedge,
869
00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:43,975
"and there was TV's Strictly
Bill Bailey, drunk in a field,
870
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:47,055
"swigging from a bottle of whiskey,
bothering a llama."
871
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:50,415
Right? "When he saw me,
he became abusive.
872
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:53,015
"Chased me down the lane,
issuing a war cry.
873
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:55,215
"Would you be interested
in this footage?"
874
00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:57,815
And they came back, said,
"Yes, we'd be very interested."
875
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,215
And he went back, he said,
"How much are you willing to pay?"
876
00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:03,175
And they came back
and they said, "£20,000."
877
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,375
And he messaged me, he said,
878
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:06,535
"Do you fancy doing it?
We'll split the money."
879
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,775
LAUGHTER
880
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,655
So...
881
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,935
APPLAUSE
882
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:17,255
It's tempting, right? Yeah.
883
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,375
Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube,
that's all I'm saying.
884
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,375
Cos we have a very awkward
relationship with fame
885
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,535
in Britain, don't we?
886
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,135
We're sort of slightly awkward
about it, very British about it.
887
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:28,935
Sometimes I'm in a cafe, people come
over to me and they just sniff me.
888
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:30,815
They go, "Yeah, I reckon it's him."
889
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,255
LAUGHTER
I don't what I smell of.
890
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,455
You know, falafel and broken dreams.
891
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,215
LAUGHTER
892
00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,375
But I've got to say, the Dutch
are much more pragmatic about fame.
893
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,615
I was in Holland,
I was walking up and down,
894
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,335
this Dutch bloke walks past and
he goes, "You are Bill Bailey, yes?"
895
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:46,415
I went, "Yeah."
896
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,815
He goes, "You have the comedy
and the music also."
897
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,295
And I went, "Yeah."
And he goes, "I like it very much."
898
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:54,255
Then there was an awkward pause.
I thought, "Does he want a selfie?"
899
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:56,415
I sort of went, "Do you...?"
900
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:57,815
And he went, "What?"
901
00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,575
LAUGHTER
902
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:01,455
I think he thought
I was propositioning him.
903
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:04,775
Anyway, so, "Do you want to?"
And he went, "What? Oh, no."
904
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,295
And he goes,
"I do not want a selfie,
905
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,455
"I just want to remember this moment
with my eyes."
906
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,055
LAUGHTER
907
00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:13,295
That's beautiful, isn't it?
908
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:16,135
Compare that to an incident
I had in Swanage, right.
909
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:17,735
It was my own fault. This bloke,
910
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,215
he was hovering around
with a mobile phone, like this,
911
00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:23,095
and he comes up to me and he goes,
"Here, talk to my sister."
912
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:24,855
I went...
913
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:26,895
LAUGHTER
914
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,535
I don't know. I said, "What about?"
915
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,295
"Her name's Claire,
she just got a new job.
916
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:33,535
"Go on, congratulate her. Go on."
I went, "All right."
917
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,735
I put the phone to my ear
and he snatched it away
918
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,895
and went, "That's not gonna work,
she's deaf!"
919
00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:39,615
LAUGHTER
920
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,135
"I know, text her.
I'll write it out.
921
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,775
"Well done, Claire, with the new
job, all the best, Bill Bailey."
922
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,455
I said,
"Well, why don't you send it?"
923
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,135
He goes, "No, you press send,
that way she'll know it's from you."
924
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,695
LAUGHTER
925
00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:53,975
This is the sort of madness that I
have to deal with on a daily basis.
926
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,615
I get nutters all the time.
927
00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:58,015
A bloke came up to me in the street
and he said, "Same coat."
928
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,455
I went, "Wow, great, look at that,
same coat."
929
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,255
I wasn't wearing a coat, you know.
930
00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:04,455
LAUGHTER
931
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:09,895
I was in a bar in Amsterdam, right,
and this bloke comes over,
932
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,535
straightaway
you know he's a nutter,
933
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:14,495
and this bloke comes over
and he goes, "Bill Bailey, yes?"
934
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:15,895
And I went, "Yeah."
935
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:17,775
There's no Dutch people in,
by the way?
936
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:19,815
Sorry, I...
I'm having a go at the Dutch.
937
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,255
It's not the greatest language,
is it, Dutch?
938
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:25,175
No of fence. I mean,
there's other European languages
939
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:26,975
which are a little bit
more prettier,
940
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:28,415
aren't they, like Spanish?
941
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,775
It makes even Shakespeare sound
more romantic.
942
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,215
"To be or not to be,
that is the question."
943
00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:38,495
Spanish -
"Ser o no ser, esa es la pregunta."
944
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,655
LAUGHTER
945
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,575
Dutch, not so much.
946
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:48,775
"Zijn of niet zijn,
dat is de vraag!"
947
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:50,775
LAUGHTER
948
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,775
It's like a Klingon mugger. So...
949
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:56,295
Anyway...
950
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,495
What was I talking about? You!
951
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,215
I was in a bar, that's it,
I was in a bar...
952
00:42:02,240 --> 00:42:04,215
LAUGHTER
953
00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:06,975
...and this bloke comes over and
straightaway, I know he's a nutter,
954
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,535
and he comes over and he goes,
"Hello, Bill Bailey."
955
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,055
He goes, "I am also in the business
of entertainment.
956
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:13,695
"My name is Rudy von der Brucke."
957
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:17,615
"I was number one clown
in Rotterdam, '95, '96, '98."
958
00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:24,375
And he had a pipe as well,
like that.
959
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,575
He goes, "I was number one clown
in Rotterdam, '95, '96, '98."
960
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:29,855
I said, "What happened in '97?"
961
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,415
He goes,
"There was a misunderstanding."
962
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:35,015
LAUGHTER
963
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:38,815
"They were not my genitals."
964
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:45,175
"It was a prosthetic, but apparently
inappropriate for the nativity."
965
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,135
And then he started having a go
at me for being English, right.
966
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:51,895
He goes, "You English are uptight.
967
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,535
"You do not know how to speak
to a woman.
968
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:55,575
"I will show you the Dutch way."
969
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,775
He goes, "This is how you speak
to a beautiful woman.
970
00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:01,015
"Hello, you are a beautiful woman,
you have beautiful shaped ears,
971
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:03,535
"your legs are symmetrical."
LAUGHTER
972
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:05,495
"Let's go to the motel."
973
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,415
And I said,
"What about an Englishman?"
974
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:09,695
"Oh, Englishman is like this,
975
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,215
"'Hello, it is sunny today, yes?"'
976
00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:15,255
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
977
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:18,415
"'It is sunny today,
978
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:20,415
"'but at the weekend,
there will be drizzle."'
979
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:21,815
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
980
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:28,615
"'Do you like jam?
I have many jams in my home.
981
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:31,455
"'You can try them,
spread them on bread and butter.
982
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:33,095
"'| have a knife for spreading.
983
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:34,975
"'It is not for stabbing,
I'm not a psycho."'
984
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,895
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
985
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,935
AUDIENCE LAUGH
986
00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,495
APPLAUSE
987
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:43,615
All right!
988
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,175
Now, I've been busy this year.
989
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,015
I've written a Cockney musical.
990
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:50,535
Now, you'll know...
991
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:52,975
This is based on an unlikely premise
992
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:56,135
that Cockneys were the first people
to conquer Everest.
993
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:57,415
So...
994
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,375
there's a bunch of roofers
from the East End,
995
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,855
they went on a walking holiday,
they went, "Oi, we're here!"
996
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:05,055
So, this...
LAUGHTER
997
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:06,855
You'll get it as I'll play it.
998
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:08,095
It's a work in progress.
999
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,095
So, this is all about
work in progress, innit?
1000
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,055
So, here we go,
I'll play it for you, right.
1001
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,655
# From Mile End Road to Everest
1002
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:17,055
# I was right up there
With the very best
1003
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,775
# They called me a yeti
In an old string vest
1004
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,575
# I'm last of the Cockney Sherpas
1005
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,375
# How's your crampons? Too tight! #
1006
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:27,695
LAUGHTER
1007
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:31,415
So, now, there is a bit
of audience participation,
1008
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,775
if you want to get involved,
a bit of old school music hall.
1009
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:36,215
When I say, "How's your crampons?"
You shout, "Too tight!"
1010
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:38,135
Let's try that.
1011
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,575
# How's your crampons?
# Too tight! #
1012
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:43,655
Very good.
1013
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:45,815
# With a fag and a whistle
And a Gordon's gin
1014
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:47,935
# I was up K2 like Gunga Din
1015
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:51,455
# There's no crevasse
I ain't smoked in
1016
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,775
# I'm last of the Cockney Sherpas
1017
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,495
# How's your crampons?
# Too tight! #
1018
00:44:57,520 --> 00:44:59,415
Yes, very good!
1019
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,935
APPLAUSE
1020
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:04,255
I've rediscovered
a love of a musical form
1021
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,015
that was part of my childhood,
1022
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:07,695
and that was, of course, ragtime.
1023
00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:09,975
Now, ragtime's
a joyous musical form,
1024
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,375
I think it could be...
It's due a renaissance.
1025
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:14,815
I'll give you a reminder
of what ragtime sounds like.
1026
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,215
Here's a bit of Maple Leaf Rag
from Scottjoplin.
1027
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,215
HE PLAYS
1028
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,375
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
1029
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,095
All right!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1030
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,735
The ragtime genre is very...
is very fluid.
1031
00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:44,575
It can apply to all kind
of different kinds of music.
1032
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,575
You can apply ragtime
to classical music, right?
1033
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,455
Here's a bit of Beethoven,
Fur Elise, in the ragtime style.
1034
00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:52,575
HE PLAYS NORMALLY
1035
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:56,975
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
1036
00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:03,095
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
1037
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,735
You see, it works
in all kinds of genres.
1038
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:10,495
APPLAUSE
1039
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:12,895
It will work in the pop genre.
1040
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:15,055
You can, say, something
like Seven Nation Army...
1041
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:18,695
PLAYS NORMALLY
1042
00:46:18,720 --> 00:46:20,535
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
1043
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:23,575
See, it works very well.
1044
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:27,535
And in fact, what I'm gonna do now,
I'm gonna get a suggestion from you,
1045
00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:30,695
suggest a song, I'll try and play it
in the ragtime style.
1046
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:33,695
MAN: Tequila.
Tequila?
1047
00:46:33,720 --> 00:46:36,015
LAUGHTER
1048
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,615
BILL LAUGHS
1049
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:39,695
OK.
1050
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:42,135
Tequila, all right, hold on.
1051
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:44,135
PLAYS NORMALLY
1052
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,655
OK, that's the one, innit, yeah?
1053
00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:49,655
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
1054
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,575
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
1055
00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:57,935
Yeah, it works well.
1056
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:14,655
CRESCENDO
1057
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:16,495
AUDIENCE: Tequila!
1058
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:18,895
All right!
APPLAUSE
1059
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,175
OK.
1060
00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:25,135
Right, I'm gonna try something now.
As it's New Year's, it special,
1061
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:28,015
I've tried something for you, john,
I'm gonna put together something.
1062
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:31,375
I'm gonna try and play as many
instruments as I can in a minute,
1063
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:35,095
while playing the popular
New Year's song, Auld Lang Syne.
1064
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:37,055
All right? So...
AUDIENCE CHEER
1065
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:39,335
OK, let's get ready.
I've asked the band to join in here,
1066
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,695
the fantastic Ezra Collective,
well done, lads.
1067
00:47:41,720 --> 00:47:43,735
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1068
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:45,895
HE STRUMS HIS LUTE
1069
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:47,815
OK, take it away.
1070
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:51,375
BAND PLAY
1071
00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:55,215
PLAYS MELODY
1072
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,375
HONKS MELODY
1073
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:27,855
RINGS MELODY
1074
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:47,175
CRESCENDO,
CH EERING
1075
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,415
CRASH
1076
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,615
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1077
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:58,095
JONATHAN LAUGHS
1078
00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:02,895
Thank you very much.
Bill Bailey, ladies and gentlemen!
1079
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:06,775
Let's hear it again
for all my guests tonight
1080
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:09,095
who helped us see off 2022.
1081
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:11,815
Tom Allen, ladies and gentlemen,
Judy Love,
1082
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:13,415
Babatunde Aleshe, Katherine Ryan,
1083
00:49:13,440 --> 00:49:15,375
and of course, Mr Bill Bailey.
1084
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:18,295
We'll be back next year for another
series of The Jonathan Ross Show,
1085
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:20,535
but now, from their new album,
1086
00:49:20,560 --> 00:49:22,855
Where I'm Meant to Be,
here's Ezra Collective
1087
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:25,535
with Victory Dance.
Happy New Year, everyone.
1088
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:27,495
MUSIC: 'Victory Dance'
by Ezra Collective
1089
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:10,415
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com