APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
BAND FINISH THEME TUNE
Hello, everyone.
Thank you very much indeed.
Oh, how about that,
the Ezra Collective right there, ladies and gentlemen.
They're here all night. Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to the show. It's New Year's Eve!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And because it's a special night,
I've convinced some of my favourite stand-ups
to come together for an exclusive, one-off gig to see the end of 2022.
Let's be honest, I think we're glad to see the back of it, aren't we?
AUDIENCE CHEER We could all do with a laugh.
And tonight, we have comedy
from the always-hilarious Judy Love, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Judy's on the show.
He's one of the busiest men on TV,
so why should tonight be any different?
Tom Allen is here! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Back from the Australian jungle and doing what he does best,
it's Babatunde Aleshe! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Helping us see the New Year in fabulous style,
it's Katherine Ryan, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Whoo-whoo-whoo!
And closing the show for us,
one of the most distinctive voices and unique haircuts in comedy,
the one and only Bill Bailey!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
That's a great line-up. So, we've got so much great comedy,
we thought let's make a party of it
and get some live music in the house as well,
so I went on PartyPlanners.com and got the very best house band.
Here for the evening, the incredible Ezra Collective.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING, BAND PLAY
You know what, I was using every bit of willpower
not to start some dad dancing there.
Soon as that started, I was gonna start...
And I thought, "No, I'm gonna spare you."
LAUGHTER
It's New Year's Eve, of course, it's New Year's Eve,
so, you're probably drinking tonight.
AUDIENCE CHEER
You're cheering yourself for drinking.
It's like... OK.
So, however good a time you're having at home,
I'm just gonna say to you that I don't think you can be having
as good a time as this cat who really knows how to party.
Look at this.
MUSIC: 'Sandstorm' by Darude
MUSIC BUILDS UP
BEAT DROPS
There you go.
APPLAUSE
Shall we get on with the show, ladies and gentlemen?
AUDIENCE CHEER OK, why don't we?
Will you please welcome your first act of the evening.
She's a quiet, shy, retiring character.
I'm kidding, of course. Get ready to adjust the volume on your remote.
It is the fabulous Judy Love.
BAND PLAY 'CRAZY IN LOVE'
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
GREETINGS DROWN ED OUT
MUSIC FINISHES
Yes! Thank you!
Whoo! How's everyone doing? AUDIENCE CHEER
I'm glad he said my name, I'm glad he said my name,
cos I'm out of breath. Can you hear I'm out of breath?
Big it up for the big girls and the fluffies at the back.
You all right, fluffies? SMALL CHEER
Don't lie to yourself, OK, people?
Anyway, it's nice being here. Everyone feeling good?
AUDIENCE CHEER
One of the things I love about Christmas
and, you know, New Year's Eve,
is that the office parties, you know,
when I used to work for the 9-to-5, right,
used to go to the office party. Anyone had their office party yet?
AUDIENCE WHOOP
Anyone slept with someone else's man yet?
LAUGHTER Cos at office parties, yeah,
you always have Hannah from accountants, right.
Cos you know, usually, she comes to work in her normal clothes,
her work clothes, and she's really quiet,
she doesn't really say anything,
she's got the ponytail slicked back with the glasses.
And then at the office party,
Hannah turns up like she's Kim K ready to make a second sex video,
do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER
And then you... For me, I don't know about you,
but I always want to know who's sleeping with who.
Like, what's going on?
I wanna be all up in their business, do you get what I'm saying?
And then no-one doesn't actually let the secret out,
but then you realise, seven months later,
when Hannah and Pete announced that they're getting married...
LAUGHTER Mm-hm.
...and she's having a baby, you calculate, you're like,
"Boy, you took Pete on New Year's Eve, didn't you, babes?
But you know, as well, obviously, you know, I'm single,
right, and being single at this time is hard,
especially the festive period, isn't it?
You want someone to love you, isn't it?
You want a present, don't you? just a present.
LAUGHTER Perfume, anything.
Do you know what I mean? Something to open, you know,
apart from your bills, do you get what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER You wanna look at somebody...
Then I think to myself,
"No, this is the time when you'll be empowered, OK?"
You stand in front of that mirror, right,
and you look at that mirror and you say,
"No, this is time for me."
OK, I'm gonna love into myself into the next year,
cos it's all about pride and dignity.
Then you look in that mirror and you think,
"Fuck that shit, I'm calling my ex."
LAUGHTER
Seriously! No, not doing it again.
You call your ex, don't you?
You think to yourself, "I've just got to let this relationship last
"for seven weeks, until we get past Valentine's,
"and then I can get rid of him." Do you know what I mean?
That's why some of you lot are here with your partners now.
You didn't realise. Called you cos they were lonely,
not cos they actually love you or want you. Know what I'm saying?
But you know, it makes me think about,
obviously, when I was younger.
I don't know, anyone here over the age of 40?
CHEER
OK, some of you are lying to yourself.
LAUGHTER
It is different, it's different when you're over 40,
and you start going out,
do you know what I mean, you go raving.
I remember when I was in my 20s, right, all you young people...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! Yeah, no, "Whoo!" OK, thanks.
When you're in your 20s and you go out,
like, I could go out raving all night,
like proper go down low
and actually get back up again. LAUGHTER
Right? And I would go out, and I would go to work,
and I could do the whole 24 hours with no sleep.
Take a little Pro Pill tablet. Do you remember Pro Pill tablets?
Heart was palpitating, you were like,
"Is it the Pro Pill, or was it the drugs? Which one?"
And now, at my age, like, over 40 -
that's as much as I'm telling you - when I'm going out,
all I'm thinking about with regards to my tablets is,
"Did I take my iron tablets today?
"Did I take my iron tablets?"
And it really makes me think about the fact that now,
you know, I can't treat myself to certain things I used to in my 20s.
In your 20s, you treat yourself to a new hairstyle,
right, cos I'm a Black girl,
and we like to change our hair every week.
OK, this is one Brazilian girl's hair,
but anyway, we won't get into that conversation.
But now, when you're 40, it's like the treat that I give myself
is going to buy myself a full body MOT on discount at BUPA.
LAUGHTER
Full check-up. Or just go to the GP and get you over 40 check-up.
Do you know what I mean?
But now I do things differently.
I went shopping the other day, mm-hm, at Whole Foods.
AUDIENCE: O00h! That's what I said.
And you know what I realised?
The reason why people are slim who go to Whole Foods
is not the foods, it's the prices.
LAUGHTER
I mean, I left there, right, with three items for £159.
Like, what the hell was I buying?
I was walking around, trying to pick the most cheapest thing.
I walked out there with some animal's eggs.
But I thought, "You know what, I'm gonna keep going.
"They don't need to know about what's in my pocket."
You understand? That's just between me and you, OK?
Oh, you stole as well? OK, girl! LAUGHTER
Are you from South London?
I was just checking. LAUGHTER
And it made me think about Whole Foods.
I was thinking to myself, "You know what,
"that's the kind of place I should be going to find a man."
Do you know what I mean? I want a Whole Foods brother.
Do you know what I mean?
Forget Tesco's non-fuel limp-dick Dave.
LAUGHTER
I want a Whole Foods brother, yeah,
with a whole full bank account and some alkaline sperm,
that's what I want, OK! LAUGHTER
But you know, thinking of Christmas, Black Christmas,
there is such a thing called Black Christmas.
Black people in the house?
CHEER Oh, there's a few.
Whoo! There's one that flew in.
LAUGHTER
But no, Black Christmas is different, OK?
Black Christmas, the reason why I've called it Black Christmas,
cos it's about the food.
I know for everyone it's about the food, but we go deep.
We don't go to Whole Foods, we go to Whole Whole Foods in Brixton,
where we can buy a box of chicken for 20 quid,
then everyone gets to eat.
We got the rice and peas, you understand,
we got the jollof rice, the plain rice, the jerk chicken.
Oh, and we got the turkey, and we've got the normal chicken,
and we've got the lamb with the jerk, yeah, yeah.
We've got the macaroni cheese and the potato salad,
then Grandma's come with her potato salad and macaroni cheese,
and you can't tell that bitch no. Do you understand what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER And we had the football.
Oh, my gosh, the World Cup. I mean, oh, I swear, it was a lot,
and it was amazing to see.
Obviously, there was a bit of controversy
with the whole, you know, human rights
and how they were going on about the LGBT plus community.
And we did the most British thing that we do.
We was like, "No, we must stand against this. This is terrible."
We sent out a few tweets
and we said, you know, we was upset.
We was upset about that, and human rights.
And then we found out there wasn't gonna be no alcohol,
we was like, "No alcohol?! I want my ticket back!"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
People, my name's Judy Love, enjoy your evening.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
JONATHAN ROSS: Judy Love, ladies and gentlemen.
Judy Love.
Thank you, Judy-
Fabulous Judy Love.
Ancl Judy's gonna be touring the country with her new show,
The One Like Judy Love, next year,
so make sure you grab some tickets for that.
Don't go away, because still to come,
we've got loads more comedy from Tom Allen, Katherine Ryan,
Babatunde Aleshe and Bill Bailey. See you after the break.
CHEERING
BAND PLAY THEME MUSIC
Welcome back to the show, everyone. Welcome back.
Tonight, of course, we're celebrating New Year's,
and I love the party, a New Year's party,
I love a party popper. LAUGHTER
They're the best way to get the party started,
as this lady found out.
Oh!
POP
APPLAUSE
Poor thing.
But don't worry, we've checked, she's fine.
OK, so, it's time to bring out the next act for the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man who's always dressed for a party,
as long as that party's at Down ton Abbey,
the one and only Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
BAND PLAY
BAND FINISH, CHEERING
H I, everybody!
Thank you for that lovely music. Are you all having a lovely time?
CHEERING Good. Happy New Year, everyone.
Lovely time of year, this, isn't it?
I love the nativity plays at school.
Did anyone go to a nativity play?
AUDIENCE WHOOP Oh, I love...
When I was at school, it wasn't very well historically researched.
If you were a shepherd, you had to wear a dressing gown,
which was supposed to look like the shepherd's outfits
from 2,000 years ago.
Unfortunately, one kid in my class turned up wearing a kimono.
Another boy wore his judo outfit.
I mean, what were those shepherds doing up there?
They weren't watching their flocks at night, were they?
Setting up a bloody dojo.
And as well, to represent, like, other parts of the outfit,
they had to wear a tea towel on their head.
Well, that's all very well, but one boy in my class,
he had a tea towel that said Whipsnade Zoo on it.
LAUGHTER
Not very well researched at all. Hello.
So, for a long time, I've been living with a couple
called Dad and Mum.
LAUGHTER
But then, recently, I got my own place!
CHEERING Oh, it's been very exciting.
I've got a little garden, which is nice,
although I do get very stressed, very stressed,
about the slugs, right, slugs -
the snails that are homeless.
And they... they come out, right, they come out.
They don't come out, but they...
I'd love that. "I'm gay!" LAUGHTER
You don't look it.
They come out and they attach themselves to my bush, right?
And I have to go out after dark with a torch,
padding around the undergrowth, crawling around the bushes
like some sort of gay in the 1970s.
LAUGHTER
The only thing getting sucked off is my hydrangeas!
LAUGHTER
And as well, I get foxes, foxes come in the garden,
they sit on my garden furniture.
I have to get a saucepan and bang it with a wooden spoon
to try and scare them away.
People don't know if I'm thanking a nurse...
LAUGHTER
...or scaring away a fox.
And as well, when you get your own place, right,
you don't have any furniture, no furniture, no furniture.
Nobody told me that.
First three weeks, I was standing up.
LAUGHTER
So, had to get somewhere to sleep, so I went to a department store,
and I went to the mattress department.
This woman came over and she said, "Hi, I'm Faye."
I said, "Oh, my God, so am I!"
LAUGHTER
She had sort of sparkly shoes on,
and she carried with her an air of sadness.
She said, "Do you need a bed as well?"
I was like, "Yeah, of course I need a bed as well!
"I don't just want a mattress.
"I'm gonna put in the corner of the room
"like I live in some sort of crack den!"
Me and the slugs chasing the dragon!
She said, "Well, I suppose you want memory foam."
"Everybody wants memory foam these days!
"I don't see the point of it myself."
It was like she was trying to forget.
She said, "Come over and see this memory foam.
"Lie on it, lie on it, relax on it. Relax! Are you relaxed?"
It's very hard to relax,
cos she's standing at the end of the bed
like some sort of spectre in the night.
Like a night terror. She said, "Are you supported?"
I said, "I've got some good friends."
LAUGHTER She said, "Try and turn over."
I couldn't turn over on this memory foam. Could not turn over.
It was like I was drowning in memories.
"Why did he leave?!"
And then I was like, "No, I don't want memory foam, Faye."
She said, "Well, do you have nightstands?"
I said, "Faye, that is none of your business."
LAUGHTER
Then I realised she meant bedside tables.
And we went to look at the bedside tables,
and they're always on, like, a little set, you know,
where it's a little bed and a bedside table
and a little window with a little blind on it.
By the way, I am 39 years old
and I still do not know how to work a roller blind.
You pull it down to pull it down, right?
To make it go back up again, you pull down again.
To make it go back, you pull it down again, it stays down.
So then I pull it down again, still stays down.
Pull it down again, still stays down!
The whole window has got, like, a skirt on it now.
LAUGHTER I don't understand roller blinds.
And by the way, they put these sets out,
of a bedside table with, like, one angle-poise lamp and a journal.
Nobody's bedside table looks like that!
Everybody's bedside table has got 37 glasses of water on it.
LAUGHTER
Downstairs in the kitchen, going,
"I'm sure we've got glasses in this house!"
Half a dozen books he started and couldn't be bothered to finish,
and every receipt from every purchase you've ever made!
And no-one's writing a journal in bed, are they?
Cos everybody gets into bed and does exactly the same thing,
YOU prop yourself up, YOU get your phone,
and you start go ogling things,
go ogling things like, "Why can't I sleep?"
LAUGHTER
"Why is my neck so sore?"
"Osteopaths in my area."
LAUGHTER
And so, and so, right,
and so I was like, "No, I don't want a bedside table, thank you, Faye,
"I just want to get a mattress."
Well, they ask you all these questions, like,
"How many springs do you like?" I don't know! Two?
She takes me over to these mattresses,
she says, "Try this one, sleep on this one."
And how cocky are these mattress companies
that they have to put down a plastic sheet on the mattress?
Like their mattresses are so relaxing
I'm gonna immediately get on it and suddenly piss myself!
LAUGHTER
Right? So, she said...
Before, she said, "What size do you want?"
She says, "I suppose you want a queen size."
I thought that was homophobic. LAUGHTER
I got onto this mattress, sliding around all over the place
like I was trying to go to bed on a ice rink, right,
and then Faye gets in the bed next to me!
LAUGHTER Then she says, "How do you sleep?"
Which sounds sort of accusatory, doesn't it?
It's the sort of thing they shout at serial killers
when they're leaving court.
"How do you sleep?! How do you sleep?!"
"No, tell me, how do you sleep?"
Well, if I was at home, I probably wouldn't have my shoes on,
I definitely wouldn't have all these people walking around me,
and I certainly wouldn't have a woman lying next to me!
LAUGHTER Anyway, I gave her the money.
She walked off, got on the escalator.
I don't think she worked there at all!
LAUGHTER
But the thing is, since getting my own place,
I've become very house-proud, I'm rather like my mother.
I like to make the bathroom very nice.
When I was growing up,
we didn't have carpet in the bathroom, we had lino,
but we had a very small amount of carpet
around the base of the toilet.
It was like a sort of poncho...
for the toilet. LAUGHTER
A poncho soaked in... piss.
LAUGHTER
And then the lid of the toilet had, like, a fur hat on.
Like the whole toilet had gone to Turkey for a hair transplant.
LAUGHTER
And as well, I have hard water,
I don't mean to brag.
LAUGHTER
And I get very concerned about the water staining the shower screen
and the tiles, so I had to get a squidger.
Have you got a squidger? Have you got a squidger?
If you haven't got one,
it's basically a thing you keep in the shower.
After your shower, you turn off the water,
and then you stand there, shivering...
...freezing cold, crying,
right, you have to bend down to pick it up,
which is so undignified when you're naked, cold.
Bend down, pick it up, get the squidger,
going, "Eeeeeeeh!
"Eeeeeeeh!EeeeeehP'
Like I'm in Confessions of a Window Cleaner!
I think, "Oh, God, if anybody could see me now,
"if they could see me now, what would they think?"
Of course, they CAN see me, cos I can't work the roller blind.
LAUGHTER
JONATHAN: Tom Allen! That was fantastic, wasn't it?
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Ancl you'll be delighted to know Tom will be on tour
with his new show, Completely, from February.
That's right.
Tom, no, you should go now.
Where? No-one tells you where to go on this show.
Well... You just stand here.
Judy got an advert break after her bit.
LAUGHTER
What's happening? Do you just want me to piss off over there?
LAUGHTER
You can't just stand there.
It's like a weird Elf On The Shelf or something
if you're there the whole time! Well, off...
You can go that way.
Tom Allen, ladies and gentlemen! The fabulous Tom Allen. Bye!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Oh, no, don't break... Now you're breaking the set.
What's this piece of old shit? Where'd you get this from, a runway?
Oh, look, and there's nothing in that glass anyway.
There is! There is!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Tom Allen.
OK, it's time for our next act, ladies and gentlemen.
Ancl he did amazingly well in the jungle,
despite the fact, yeah... CHEERING
I'm excited as well.
But he did so well, despite the fact he said,
"I'm a celebrity, get me out of here,"
in the very first minute he was on TV.
It is the fabulous Babatunde Aleshe!
BAND PLAY
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
BAND FINISH PLAYING All right!
Yeah.
Wow.
What's going on, people? You all right?
CHEERING
Everyone came dressed out to see man like Jonathan,
but obviously man like me as well, come on.
You get me?
This is nice, man, nice to be here.
Obviously I'm out now, been out for a long time now, of the jungle.
It's good, man. I was in there with Matt the booty-grabbing Hancock,
you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER
Trust me, when I saw him coming, I was like, "Oh, no, nah, bruv."
Not me, bruv. Hide my booty, bruv.
I know what man like you does.
Get me? It was jokes, man, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I didn't want to do it the first time,
cos I got asked twice, yeah.
First time they asked me... How I gauge, like, taking the jobs,
I always gauge it by how long my manager
says hello on the phone, right?
And the reason why I do it like that
is because the longer she says hello,
is the more money involved, do you know what I'm saying?
When she called me up to first time, she was just like, "Hello."
I was like, "Uh-uh, no."
Add more zeros to that, do you know what I'm saying?
|TV's got money, you get me?
Second time she called me, she was like,
"Hellooooooo! "
I was like, "I'm listening." LAUGHTER
They got me in there with frogs.
Did you guys see that? AUDIENCE: Yes!
I know you guys were laughing. I hate every single one of you.
LAUGHTER
How you gonna put me in there with frogs?
Who knew a man from Tottenham would be scared of frogs?
You know what I'm saying? When I got back to Tottenham,
all my friends were like,
"So, you're scared of frogs, yeah?"
LAUGHTER
"That what you're scared of, yeah?
"All the knife crime that goes on, frogs is your thing?"
LAUGHTER
Hurt my feelings, man.
When I did it, you guys saw
the heavily edited version of that trial, right?
Cos I was crying.
I was proper screaming.
What you guys didn't see was the fact that in my box,
yeah, when I had the frogs,
two frogs decided to start having sex.
They were just like, "We're humping,
"we don't care about you, Babatunde, we are having sex NOW!"
LAUGHTER
The next frog decided that my head was its throne,
it decided, "I'm gonna sit here for the whole trial."
And then another frog decided,
"I'm just gonna give you a hickey throughout this whole..."
LAUGHTER Upset me, man.
I was happy when I got back home, I was so happy when I got back home,
cos I got to see my wife and I got to see my son.
I've got a six-year-old boy and I love him,
I just absolutely adore him,
you know, he's just the cutest, sweetest thing.
You know, I looked at him and I was just like,
"Wow, you're six and you already have a better life than I did."
Right? "Your dad's on TV, bruv, are you mad?"
LAUGHTER Know what I mean?
And I was looking at him, and I just got pissed off,
I just looked at him, I was like, "You privileged prick."
You know what I'm saying, like? LAUGHTER
You know what I'm saying?
Cos he has everything I never had as a child,
you know what I'm saying?
Even the other day, he comes up me, like, "Daddy, Daddy..."
First of all, my son has a posh accent,
cos we live in Hertfordshire, cos I got money.
CHEERING
It pisses me the hell off when he talks,
especially when my friends from Tottenham come around,
cos they all come up to him and they'll be like,
"What's going on, little man? Look at you, bruv! What's going on?"
And my son will be like, "Oh, hello, Uncle Neil."
Just like, "Hey, get out of here, go back to your bedroom."
Go eat a cucumber sandwich or something. Know what I'm saying?
Hate the way he talks. My son comes home and he's like,
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, what's the Wi-Fi password?
I'm thinking, "Wi-Fi password, at your age?"
He's like, "Yes, Dad, what's the Wi-Fi password?
"I'm trying to get on my tablet."
I'm just like, "Wow, look at my son."
Like, he's got everything, know what I'm saying?
He's got Wi-Fi, he's got toys, he's got his own bedroom,
he's got a dad, you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER
Now, me and my wife,
we decided we're gonna take this boy to private school.
You know what I'm saying?
Again, I've got money, bruv, trust me.
LAUGHTER
Went to the school and they were so excited, you know,
especially when they saw me, they were like,
"Oh, my gosh, Babatunde Aleshe, oh, my God!
"I hate frogs, too!", I'm just like, "Whatever, man."
Don't try and be my friend, you know what I'm saying?
They took us around, they showed us the whole school,
they were like, "So, let's see some facilities.
"Here's the basketball area,
"which I'm sure your little man..." Yes, I know.
"And here's the swimming facili... You know, let's just skip that one."
LAUGHTER
And they were just like, "In this school,
"we pride our self on no bullying."
And that's where I drew the line.
I'm thinking, "No bullying?
"For my son? This little privileged prick?"
LAUGHTER
Cos I need him to get bullied, he needs to grow a pair,
you know what I'm saying?
Nah, man. I got bullied, so he should get bullied.
There's a lot of things in my son's life
that I just want to do, just because I went through it.
Like, you know, I grew up without a dad,
so sometimes, when I look at my son, I'm just like,
"I should just leave." LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Traumatise them, you know what I mean?
You guys have been fantastic.
My name's Babatunde, thank you very much, take care.
JONATHAN: Yeah! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Babatunde Aleshe, ladies and gentlemen.
That was great, thank you. Babatunde!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Babatunde's UK tour, Babahood, starts in January,
so you can go and see him very, very soon.
Don't go away, though,
because there's plenty more comedy still to come.
Katherine Ryan coming up, Bill Bailey,
plus a very special performance from Ezra Collective.
See you in a couple of minutes.
BAND PLAY, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show, everyone.
OK, so, the countdown to midnight is approaching fast.
So, let's get my next guest out. I'm thrilled she's on the show.
It's very rare to find someone who's both funny
and amazingly glamourous. I mean, there's me of course, but...
LAUGHTER
And even I bow to the stylishly stunning
and brilliantly funny Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING, BAND PLAY
INAUDIBLE
BAND FINISH
Thank you!
Oh, my goodness. Happy New Year, nearly.
It's so good to see you all here, having a little drink.
I hope you had a good, very peaceful holiday season.
I was happy to get my two little sisters
round the same table for the first time in a long time.
Guys, we can talk about it now.
They fell out, they fell out over the pandem, yeah.
The vaccine mandates, all the lock downs in Canada.
And we have to, looking back, in hindsight,
say we turned into a bunch of snitches, didn't we?
"Hello, Linda, there's an extra person at my cousin's funeral!"
Fuck off, you know?
Like, never turn your back on your friend,
your neighbour, your own family.
I remember a time when you could shake hands, walk away friends,
even if you disagreed.
And I never snitch on anyone.
There's a saying on the London Underground,
"See it, say it, sorted." I have a very similar saying,
"See it... and shut the fuck up."
LAUGHTER
I'm a very unlikely advocate for anti-vaxxers,
but certain characters should have stayed out of it.
If Matt Hancock told me to stay hydrated, I'd be like,
"Oh, shit, what's that prick put in the water?"
And I would start brushing my teeth with Fanta.
LAUGHTER
Get anyone else to give us medical news. Anyone.
Get Molly-Mae to roll out the Pretty Little Vaccine.
I don't care. LAUGHTER
"We've all got the 24 hours in the day the same to get the vaccine!"
I don't care.
LAUGHTER
No, my sisters weren't speaking because they disagreed.
So, I have two sisters, I love them both very much.
There's Carrie, my favourite, and Joanne, who we don't like.
LAUGHTER
Joanne lives in the mountains of Western Canada.
Her nearest neighbours are bears.
She was always more likely to get rabies than COVID.
Joanne is 35 and otherwise healthy,
Joanne is vaxxed to the max. She was isolating.
Joanne would take a vaccine for testicular cancer
if it was offered to her.
LAUGHTER
And that's fine. I respect everyone's right
to keep themselves and their community safe how they want.
But Joanne wouldn't speak to Carrie,
because Carrie feels that there...
there might have been a group of people
who were trying to sneak a chip into her body
so that they could follow her very boring life...
LAUGHTER
...that she publishes to social media for free!
And that is the more exciting sister to talk to.
I love Carrie very much.
My only problem with Carrie is that she has breast implants.
And guys, we're friends,
I have breast implants,
so I can tell you that all breast implants
have a unique serial number written on them.
But you never hear a conspiracy theorist glamour model
in your damn life.
Not one has ever been like...
GASPS "Oh, My God, Tracy.
"I think he's chipped my tits, babe."
LAUGHTER
"No, I'm not joking. Bill Gates is single now, in't he?"
"Tra... Tracy, every time I take my top off,
"my Microsoft Office updates!"
LAUGHTER
"I think he's tracking me, Trace!"
But that would be the more exciting person to talk to.
I don't judge, is what I'm saying.
How can I? I'm pregnant again. CHEERING
Stop.
Don't. just happy it's not yours. Don't.
I'm pregnant all the time. But who can blame me,
with the amount that Pete Davidson is in the news?
Ladies, have you seen this man? He's unstoppable!
He's been rumoured to be with Kim Kardashian,
Kate Beckinsale, formerly,
now dating Emily Ratajkowski, allegedly.
He's dated Ariana Grande.
And people are like, "How does this guy do it?
"Like, he's a comedian, he's very famous, he's funny,
"but how's he getting these totally hot women?
"Could it be his ten inch penis?"
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Yeah, I think it might be.
Which is a lot more impressive here in the UK on the metric system.
That is 2 5 centimetres!
LAUGHTER
Pardon me? We're talking about a quarter metre dick.
That's like a small owl.
It's...
It's the length of an Android tablet.
Good luck posting it. It will not fit in a standard sized envelope.
I'm trying to better myself, 2023.
I have a New Year's resolution. That resolution is to get a hobby.
Have you ever asked a working mother what her hobbies are?
You will see shame and panic across her face.
Like, "Ho... Hobby? Well, sometimes,
"when I'm rushing past the cupboard to grab kitchen roll
"because someone's been sick on the dog,
"I treat myself to a spoonful of Nutella. Mmm!"
LAUGHTER
That's my hobby. Sometimes, I go to the toilet alone.
That's my hobby.
Men have hobbies. Don't you, lads? Men have hobbies.
And a lot of people have accused me of hating men in the past.
I didn't know any of you well enough to hate you.
I married now. You can't hate a man until you love one.
Now I know how loud you snore.
Like you're announcing to the house, "Is anyone else asleep?"
LAUGHTER
My husband has a hobby.
He makes space in his life for leisure activities.
My husband golfs.
Like Donald Trump golfs.
It's nice that they can have similar interests, huh?
I mean, I get it, golf is very good exercise,
it's good for the mental health.
But it takes a special kind of dickhead to have a five-hour hobby.
LAUGHTER
Five hours, sir, really? That's more than I sleep.
Five hours is more than my daughter's screen time allowance.
I thought this man loved me until winter came,
and he continued to golf.
What would I like to do on my day off?
Quality time with my children?
No thanks, I'd rather catch RSV, stood in the freezing rain
for the length of time it takes to drive from London to Carlisle.
LAUGHTER
How boring could I possibly be?
We've only been married a short time.
I still suck him off enthusiastically.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
CHEERING Thank you for that.
And he's ambling around outdoors in a hostile climate
with a bag of sticks like a shit Bear Grylls.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I'm sorry I haven't got 18 holes.
It's just the three.
LAUGHTER
I just want you to spend time with me.
I suppose I could make them more challenging
by adding obstacles or sand traps.
LAUGHTER
Invite his friends over for a game of scramble.
I don't know.
That's funny to me, because in the car today,
I asked my husband loads of golf questions on the way here,
like, "What's a scramble?"
So, he had a hand in writing those lovely jokes
about how golf makes him a prick.
LAUGHTER
Erm... Well, guys, I've got to continue growing all these babies.
You know, unlike Nick Cannon,
I cannot impregnate 12 Instagram models in a fortnight,
so I wish you a very happy New Year,
thank you so much for listening. I'll see you soon.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Katherine Ryan, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, Katherine.
Thank you, Jonathan.
"I still suck him off enthusiastically."
Katherine's stand-up show, Missus, is on Sky Comedy
tomorrow night at 10:00pm, and available on Now.
Katherine Ryan, ladies and gentlemen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Don't go away, because we're closing the show
with a very special performance from the brilliant Bill Bailey.
We'll see you after the break.
BAND PLAY , APPLAUSE
Welcome back, everyone. Welcome back to the best New Year's party
that you don't actually have to leave your house for.
Right, now, closing the show for us,
I'm very excited, I know you are as well,
we've got one of the UK's best loved comedians,
and, bizarrely, one of our best ballroom dancers.
Please put your hands together for the magnificent Bill Bailey.
BAND PLAY
MUSIC STOPS
Sorry, I was just... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thanks for that. I loved that.
Hello. AUDIENCE: Hello!
Yes.
The ballroom dancing. Let's just address that,
just shall we briefly?
Who knew the hippy could dance? No.
The thing is, it's fixed my posture.
Right, because I used to have very poor posture.
Now it's like... You know.
So, it's fixed the posture for selfies.
A lot of people ask me for selfies.
Before, it was very... I was very awkward, like that.
"All right? Hello."
And now it's like... LAUGHTER
And a bloke came to deliver a package to my house,
and he said, "Can I have a photo?" I went, "Yeah, sure."
And I went like that. He went, "No, of the package."
LAUGHTER
So, I just styled it out. "Oh, yeah, I knew that."
It's difficult to deal with that level of fame.
It's a huge amount of interest in you
when you're on a show like that, like Strictly.
And... And people want to take pictures of you,
sell them to the tabloids.
And I had some very interesting encounters, very odd encounters.
Some bloke got in touch with me via Twitter, right,
and let's be honest, Twitter can be a bit of a swamp of unpleasantness.
And my socials tend to be quite wholesome, you know.
A lot of my social media is basically
people send me photographs of moths to identify.
LAUGHTER
And...
there's nothing much for the tabloids there.
It's not salacious, you know?
And he got in touch with me, and he said to me, "Bill," he goes,
"I just want to warn you, here are some screen shots
"of some emails I've sent to a tabloid newspaper."
I was like, "Oh, I don't know about this, this is a bit worrying."
And he said... He showed me the emails, the screen shots,
and it was like this, "Dear Daily Mail,
"I have some compromising video material of Bill Bailey."
All right,
and I'm thinking, "What the hell is this,
"is this me misidentifying a moth in a pub car park?"
So, anyway, so they come back,
said, "What is the nature of this material?"
And he emailed back, he said, "I was out in the countryside,
"I heard a commotion in a field, I looked through the hedge,
"and there was TV's Strictly Bill Bailey, drunk in a field,
"swigging from a bottle of whiskey, bothering a llama."
Right? "When he saw me, he became abusive.
"Chased me down the lane, issuing a war cry.
"Would you be interested in this footage?"
And they came back, said, "Yes, we'd be very interested."
And he went back, he said, "How much are you willing to pay?"
And they came back and they said, "£20,000."
And he messaged me, he said,
"Do you fancy doing it? We'll split the money."
LAUGHTER
So...
APPLAUSE
It's tempting, right? Yeah.
Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube, that's all I'm saying.
Cos we have a very awkward relationship with fame
in Britain, don't we?
We're sort of slightly awkward about it, very British about it.
Sometimes I'm in a cafe, people come over to me and they just sniff me.
They go, "Yeah, I reckon it's him."
LAUGHTER I don't what I smell of.
You know, falafel and broken dreams.
LAUGHTER
But I've got to say, the Dutch are much more pragmatic about fame.
I was in Holland, I was walking up and down,
this Dutch bloke walks past and he goes, "You are Bill Bailey, yes?"
I went, "Yeah."
He goes, "You have the comedy and the music also."
And I went, "Yeah." And he goes, "I like it very much."
Then there was an awkward pause. I thought, "Does he want a selfie?"
I sort of went, "Do you...?"
And he went, "What?"
LAUGHTER
I think he thought I was propositioning him.
Anyway, so, "Do you want to?" And he went, "What? Oh, no."
And he goes, "I do not want a selfie,
"I just want to remember this moment with my eyes."
LAUGHTER
That's beautiful, isn't it?
Compare that to an incident I had in Swanage, right.
It was my own fault. This bloke,
he was hovering around with a mobile phone, like this,
and he comes up to me and he goes, "Here, talk to my sister."
I went...
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I said, "What about?"
"Her name's Claire, she just got a new job.
"Go on, congratulate her. Go on." I went, "All right."
I put the phone to my ear and he snatched it away
and went, "That's not gonna work, she's deaf!"
LAUGHTER
"I know, text her. I'll write it out.
"Well done, Claire, with the new job, all the best, Bill Bailey."
I said, "Well, why don't you send it?"
He goes, "No, you press send, that way she'll know it's from you."
LAUGHTER
This is the sort of madness that I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I get nutters all the time.
A bloke came up to me in the street and he said, "Same coat."
I went, "Wow, great, look at that, same coat."
I wasn't wearing a coat, you know.
LAUGHTER
I was in a bar in Amsterdam, right, and this bloke comes over,
straightaway you know he's a nutter,
and this bloke comes over and he goes, "Bill Bailey, yes?"
And I went, "Yeah."
There's no Dutch people in, by the way?
Sorry, I... I'm having a go at the Dutch.
It's not the greatest language, is it, Dutch?
No of fence. I mean, there's other European languages
which are a little bit more prettier,
aren't they, like Spanish?
It makes even Shakespeare sound more romantic.
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
Spanish - "Ser o no ser, esa es la pregunta."
LAUGHTER
Dutch, not so much.
"Zijn of niet zijn, dat is de vraag!"
LAUGHTER
It's like a Klingon mugger. So...
Anyway...
What was I talking about? You!
I was in a bar, that's it, I was in a bar...
LAUGHTER
...and this bloke comes over and straightaway, I know he's a nutter,
and he comes over and he goes, "Hello, Bill Bailey."
He goes, "I am also in the business of entertainment.
"My name is Rudy von der Brucke."
"I was number one clown in Rotterdam, '95, '96, '98."
And he had a pipe as well, like that.
He goes, "I was number one clown in Rotterdam, '95, '96, '98."
I said, "What happened in '97?"
He goes, "There was a misunderstanding."
LAUGHTER
"They were not my genitals."
"It was a prosthetic, but apparently inappropriate for the nativity."
And then he started having a go at me for being English, right.
He goes, "You English are uptight.
"You do not know how to speak to a woman.
"I will show you the Dutch way."
He goes, "This is how you speak to a beautiful woman.
"Hello, you are a beautiful woman, you have beautiful shaped ears,
"your legs are symmetrical." LAUGHTER
"Let's go to the motel."
And I said, "What about an Englishman?"
"Oh, Englishman is like this,
"'Hello, it is sunny today, yes?"'
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
"'It is sunny today,
"'but at the weekend, there will be drizzle."'
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
"'Do you like jam? I have many jams in my home.
"'You can try them, spread them on bread and butter.
"'| have a knife for spreading.
"'It is not for stabbing, I'm not a psycho."'
WHIMSICAL LAUGH
AUDIENCE LAUGH
APPLAUSE
All right!
Now, I've been busy this year.
I've written a Cockney musical.
Now, you'll know...
This is based on an unlikely premise
that Cockneys were the first people to conquer Everest.
So...
there's a bunch of roofers from the East End,
they went on a walking holiday, they went, "Oi, we're here!"
So, this... LAUGHTER
You'll get it as I'll play it.
It's a work in progress.
So, this is all about work in progress, innit?
So, here we go, I'll play it for you, right.
# From Mile End Road to Everest
# I was right up there With the very best
# They called me a yeti In an old string vest
# I'm last of the Cockney Sherpas
# How's your crampons? Too tight! #
LAUGHTER
So, now, there is a bit of audience participation,
if you want to get involved, a bit of old school music hall.
When I say, "How's your crampons?" You shout, "Too tight!"
Let's try that.
# How's your crampons? # Too tight! #
Very good.
# With a fag and a whistle And a Gordon's gin
# I was up K2 like Gunga Din
# There's no crevasse I ain't smoked in
# I'm last of the Cockney Sherpas
# How's your crampons? # Too tight! #
Yes, very good!
APPLAUSE
I've rediscovered a love of a musical form
that was part of my childhood,
and that was, of course, ragtime.
Now, ragtime's a joyous musical form,
I think it could be... It's due a renaissance.
I'll give you a reminder of what ragtime sounds like.
Here's a bit of Maple Leaf Rag from Scottjoplin.
HE PLAYS
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
All right! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
The ragtime genre is very... is very fluid.
It can apply to all kind of different kinds of music.
You can apply ragtime to classical music, right?
Here's a bit of Beethoven, Fur Elise, in the ragtime style.
HE PLAYS NORMALLY
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
You see, it works in all kinds of genres.
APPLAUSE
It will work in the pop genre.
You can, say, something like Seven Nation Army...
PLAYS NORMALLY
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
See, it works very well.
And in fact, what I'm gonna do now, I'm gonna get a suggestion from you,
suggest a song, I'll try and play it in the ragtime style.
MAN: Tequila. Tequila?
LAUGHTER
BILL LAUGHS
OK.
Tequila, all right, hold on.
PLAYS NORMALLY
OK, that's the one, innit, yeah?
PLAYS RAGTIME STYLE
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
Yeah, it works well.
CRESCENDO
AUDIENCE: Tequila!
All right! APPLAUSE
OK.
Right, I'm gonna try something now. As it's New Year's, it special,
I've tried something for you, john, I'm gonna put together something.
I'm gonna try and play as many instruments as I can in a minute,
while playing the popular New Year's song, Auld Lang Syne.
All right? So... AUDIENCE CHEER
OK, let's get ready. I've asked the band to join in here,
the fantastic Ezra Collective, well done, lads.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
HE STRUMS HIS LUTE
OK, take it away.
BAND PLAY
PLAYS MELODY
HONKS MELODY
RINGS MELODY
CRESCENDO, CH EERING
CRASH
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
JONATHAN LAUGHS
Thank you very much. Bill Bailey, ladies and gentlemen!
Let's hear it again for all my guests tonight
who helped us see off 2022.
Tom Allen, ladies and gentlemen, Judy Love,
Babatunde Aleshe, Katherine Ryan,
and of course, Mr Bill Bailey.
We'll be back next year for another series of The Jonathan Ross Show,
but now, from their new album,
Where I'm Meant to Be, here's Ezra Collective
with Victory Dance. Happy New Year, everyone.
MUSIC: 'Victory Dance' by Ezra Collective
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com