1
00:00:01,579 --> 00:00:04,657
Maybe something
where I'd have an estate?

2
00:00:04,662 --> 00:00:07,302
- Like, lots of land.
- OK.

3
00:00:07,304 --> 00:00:10,389
- So... farming?
- What? Farming?

4
00:00:10,391 --> 00:00:12,679
Oh, God no, that'd be awful.

5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,159
I quite like the idea of
having my own radio show.

6
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,959
Choosing the music, being extremely
argumentative with racists

7
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:20,079
during phone-ins,
that kind of thing.

8
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,599
- I'm late for another meeting, so...
- Right, yes, sorry...

9
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,799
I've already applied for
a Fulbright Scholarship

10
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,759
to study international
relations at Yale.

11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,319
- But now, I'm thinking I might not
apply to Ordnance Survey after all.
- Oh. Why's that-?

12
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,279
Because it would entail working
in an office, with other people.

13
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,199
And you're not a people person?

14
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,039
Historically, no, I'm not.

15
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,479
Got one last week. I work in a pub.

16
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,319
Right. And is that a good idea
before your finals?

17
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,319
No choice, mate. I've got a
big old deficit to tuck into.

18
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,279
And the pub's a place
I can earn a bit of money,

19
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,879
do some revision and eat
a shitload of wasabi peas.

20
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,959
What would you be doing
on this estate?

21
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,079
Handing out prizes
at the local fete,

22
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,679
pootling around on one of
those big lawn-mowers

23
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,519
that looks like a tiny tractor...

24
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,520
What kind of WORK?

25
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,879
I've actually got an
Italian girlfriend,

26
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,279
so I've become much more easy-going
about all that sort of shit.

27
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,039
As long as there's food on the table

28
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,719
and vino in the bottelo,
it's all good.

29
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,719
So, you might prefer a less
sociably demanding job, perhaps?

30
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,639
Well, there's a reason why
Quasimodo worked in the bell tower

31
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,639
and not in the gift shop,
isn't there?

32
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,639
Yeah, maybe I'll have a
"career" in an "office",

33
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,719
where I wear a "skirt"
and have "meetings".

34
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:33,720
- Yes, maybe you will.
- And after work,
go home to my "house" in my "Volvo",

35
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,639
put my "head" in an "oven"...

36
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,879
till I'm "dead".

37
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,880
Well, maybe best not
to put that on the CV?

38
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,200
Ugh, stop fucking fucking him!

39
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,959
It'd be fucking boring, though.

40
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,159
Reassuringly boring, yes.
I prefer uncomplicated.

41
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,839
Most of these oil rigs
are manned by Norwegians,

42
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,279
who are famously very plain-speaking

43
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,959
and don't bother with
this bourgeois bullshit,

44
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,079
like passive-aggression or smiling

45
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,199
and not being explicitly clear
when they're breaking up with you.

46
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,639
And for that reason alone,
they have my eternal respect.

47
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,799
Why wasn't I given an oil rig?

48
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,599
I could drive one of them around.

49
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,239
Get it spunking out oil
all over the shop.

50
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,879
Yeah, that's generally the
opposite of what they want, JP.

51
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,719
And you can shut up. Your brother's
got you with a pre-fab bank job.

52
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,399
It's mooks like me and Howard with
no contacts that are truly shafted.

53
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,319
Yeah, that is true.

54
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,759
But I'm still sick of
Tommo's hand-me-downs.

55
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,760
First, the school uniform, then
the ski salopettes and now the suit.

56
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,199
You know what? No more.

57
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,199
I don't need his help,
or his clothing.

58
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,879
I'm going my own way.

59
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,239
As of now!

60
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,719
The house isn't that way.

61
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,359
I don't care!

62
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,360
HORN BEEPS

63
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,679
Nice wheels, Kingo.

64
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,359
Oh, yeah. It's Rosa's motorino.
It's really cool, actually.

65
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,319
Unless it rains,
then it's appalling.

66
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,039
You look like you're going jousting.

67
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:06,040
Oh, yeah, ha! No, just...
delivering Rosa's pane e olio lunch.

68
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,239
I'll see you guys later
for another voyage

69
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,399
into the revise-o-sphere
though, right?

70
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,279
Not me, mate. I'll be at the pub.
Come down, if you want.

71
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,279
Oh, cool.
Can you get us free drinks?

72
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,799
Er, can Bob the Builder fix it?

73
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,800
Yes. Famously, he can.

74
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,319
What about Rosa?
Do we still need her signature?

75
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,239
Not now that she's been transferred
to the comms department, no.

76
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,839
You can authorise your own policies.

77
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,799
Oh, my God. At last!

78
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,519
I am the law.

79
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,199
I can do whatever the fuck I want
and no-one can stop me!

80
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,759
That must be why Kim Jong-Un
has that haircut.

81
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,759
Obviously, the main thing we need to
decide upon for next year is our...

82
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,119
- Legacy, yes.
- I was going to say
"font", actually...

83
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,959
Henry Kissinger, John Steinbeck,

84
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,479
Amar Gopal Bose,
the founder of Bose.

85
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,399
What do all these people
have in common?

86
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,559
Oh, God - is it marrying
their cousin?

87
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,199
They're all former
Fulbright scholars.

88
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,559
They put their heart and soul
into writing and diplomacy

89
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,239
and, well, noise-cancelling
headphones.

90
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,879
And if I'm going to follow
in their Fulbright footsteps -

91
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,759
and ideally I am -
I have to lead this university

92
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,039
and give them the leader
that they want - no, deserve.

93
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,839
I'm going to stop the rot
and fight for justice, and...

94
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,439
I'm sorry, where are we going?

95
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,440
Yes, exactly! To ask, as a
university, "Where are we going?"

96
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,679
- No, sorry, I meant right now?
Where are we going?
- Oh.

97
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,519
I always go the wrong way when
I walk and talk at the same time.

98
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,520
Shit. I've got to sort this out
if I'm going to work in the States.

99
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,279
What is this, please?

100
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,999
This is a mood board.

101
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,599
I'm assembling my dream house
for next year.

102
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,199
Say hello to Hartnell,
the next generation.

103
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,039
Russell Howard is moving in?

104
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,439
Well, no - not THE Russell Howard.
A Russell Howard type.

105
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,439
Someone to cast a wry eye
over the day's news

106
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,319
while we all have breakfast.

107
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,479
Cooked by Ken Hom, presumably?

108
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,480
Yes, yes, exactly, because I thought
it'd be really handy to have a chef.

109
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,959
He will literally spice
things up around here.

110
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,959
A young Kate Bush?

111
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,719
And an old Malala.

112
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,559
Because I thought they'd be like
an uber Vod and Oregon.

113
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,079
It's just a guide,
it doesn't need to be realistic.

114
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,719
No. Apparently, the last room is
occupied by a pretend dinosaur.

115
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,519
Barney the Dinosaur, yes.
A Barney figure.

116
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:31,520
Someone loud and fun,
someone like JP - just not evil.

117
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,560
Basically, it's a better, newer,
improved version of us.

118
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,479
Right. Feels a bit heartless.

119
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,479
Yeah, well, I'm in a rut, OK?
A big one.

120
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,199
Things have to change around here.

121
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,839
Hmm. And er, who's the new me?

122
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:50,479
Yeah, no, er...
Except you, because you...

123
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,039
You are... Ken Hom.

124
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,599
What? I'm nothing like Ken Hom.

125
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:59,559
No, no, he's a TV chef
and you know, he's so...

126
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,519
...upbeat.

127
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,199
"Upbeat"?

128
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,839
Are you saying I'm not upbeat?

129
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,199
I mean, I take your point
about not being a TV chef,

130
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,999
I'm fine with that, I've got
no illusions in that department,

131
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,759
but are you saying I'm downbeat?

132
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,760
Well, just recently, since you
got dumped, you've been a bit...

133
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,919
Oh, I see.

134
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,999
And Ken Hom never gets dumped,
I assume, hmm?

135
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,599
Ken Hom never wonders

136
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,199
if he'll cope with the office
culture at Ordnance Survey?

137
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,239
Ken Hom never stares at his wok

138
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,240
and asks himself why
he even fucking bothers?!

139
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,720
I'm going to do this in my room.

140
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,479
Are you sure you don't
want any pane e olio?

141
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,480
I have McNuggets, thank you.

142
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,479
So, I thought this weekend,
we could go to this deli I found

143
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,879
that stocks every shape
of pasta in existence.

144
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,039
My son is coming to stay with me
this weekend. I'm busy.

145
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,399
Sorry, Kingsley,
I should have told you.

146
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,679
Oh, right. Yeah.

147
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,199
I mean, you probably should
have told me you have a son.

148
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,839
I have a son. His name is Luca.

149
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,479
I didn't tell you because I didn't
know if you could handle it.

150
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,639
I... I can handle it, this is...

151
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,119
This is great,

152
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,519
I think it's great you've got a son.
I actually sort of prefer it.

153
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,559
- What?
- Not prefer, just...

154
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,239
I'm saying, I think it's cool.
Sons are cool.

155
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,159
I'm a son. I like sons.
I'd like to meet him.

156
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,719
OK, well, no. I don't think so.
He's having problems in school.

157
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:41,079
Well, let me help! Honestly, Rosa,
I know what that's like.

158
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,719
I was bullied when I was eight

159
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,159
and I actually did a bit of
bullying myself when I was 11,

160
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,159
so, you know, I've seen both sides.

161
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:51,160
As a man - a mature man -
I could get through to him.

162
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,999
Ooh. He's a big bugger, isn't he?

163
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,519
It's not bullying.

164
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,119
He's saying he doesn't
want to go to university.

165
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,999
Right. So, he's what, 18, is he?

166
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,839
But I guess you could talk to him.

167
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,359
Tell him what it's like,
why he should go.

168
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,079
It could be very helpful, actually,

169
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,159
for him to get a perspective of
someone who's doing it now.

170
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,839
Yeah, cool.

171
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,559
Is he stood on some sort of
box or hillock in this?

172
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,999
He's tall, yes.

173
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,719
So you talk to him, Kingsley, yeah?
Tell him why it's important.

174
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,239
Could you maybe keep the noise
down a bit please, Rosa?

175
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,639
This is actually a place of work
and not your kitchen, weirdly -

176
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,959
and even though apparently
I can't have you fired,

177
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,079
I would still quite like the
option of hearing myself speak.

178
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:39,080
Thanks.

179
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,119
Holy shit!

180
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,119
Kingsley, that's not a step-son,

181
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,719
that's a step-man.

182
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,479
Yeah, he's big.

183
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,319
But I figure it'll be easy
for us to bond if he's 18.

184
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,439
You know, we both love Italy
and we both love music...

185
00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,239
Do you know what else 18-year-old
Italian boys really love?

186
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,159
People having sex with their mums.

187
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,719
PHONE RINGS

188
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,439
Pronto?

189
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,439
Oh, not much, just revising, yeah.

190
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,639
Oh, right, really?
You're with Luca now?

191
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,599
K-man's got a son, Vod's got a pub,

192
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,639
Howie's got an oil rig.

193
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,879
What's JP got? Nothing.

194
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,799
Well, maybe cuff-links.

195
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,359
Vod! Will you stop reading, you
bloody egghead? I need cheering up.

196
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,599
You own our house, JP. You're fine.

197
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,799
It's people like me that are fucked.

198
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,199
Us lot at the bottom of the
property ladder, holding it steady

199
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,639
while you bastards climb to the top.

200
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,640
Thanks, Vod. Once again, you're
spot on. I'll think of something.

201
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:46,079
I mean, look at this - we give
25 grand a year to the rugby club

202
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,080
to fund their aggressively
homo-erotic outdoor cuddling.

203
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,479
We are throwing cash at those who
have it, and bollocks to the rest.

204
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,559
Well, no more.

205
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,839
Yeah, but not all
rugby players are rich.

206
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,479
No offence, but you're Welsh -

207
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:03,480
and where you're from, A, everybody
loves rugby and B, nobody's rich.

208
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,999
In England, Rugby fans wear
Barbours and drive to Twickers

209
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,759
in their Land Rovers, and
do not deserve Union funding...

210
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,039
Yes, wicked! If this is about
shitting on JP, I'm all over it.

211
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,959
Oh, well, I mean, sort of...

212
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,399
Yeah, it's not fair that rugby
gets more compared to...

213
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,999
judo or poetry or
the Naturists Society.

214
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,039
Did you say "poetry"?

215
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,999
Josie, that's it!

216
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,359
Poetry? That's my noise
cancelling headphones!

217
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,999
- Yes! What?
- I am going to
rob rugby to pay poetry.

218
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,919
I am going to cut that bastard sport

219
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,920
like it's getting a crew cut
on the Cutty Sark.

220
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,719
Keep an eye on the bar, Vod.

221
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,919
This is an impressive pub,
to be fair.

222
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,599
I just dried my hands using
two separate Dyson Air-blades.

223
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,600
Yes, and this Randy Dragon Craft IPA
is like drinking a liquid cake.

224
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,519
Another free pint of it
please, your Vodjesty?

225
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,039
I just gave you one.

226
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,159
Yes. And now, I would
like another one.

227
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,639
- Me too please, Vod.
- Yay. Hang on.

228
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,079
Or you can just pop that barrel up
on the bar and we'll help ourselves.

229
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,639
Or we can take it home.

230
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,199
If you can't do it, Vod,
don't worry.

231
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,759
No, no, I can! Of course I can.

232
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,879
I just can't take
the piss, that's all.

233
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,759
- Don't tell me Vod's scared
of getting in trouble.
- As if!

234
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,599
Trouble's scared of me, more like!
Right, what we having?

235
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,799
- Smirnoff Ice, please.
- So, that was Rosa. Bit of a situation.

236
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,279
- I am not taking her back, Kingsley.
- No, no, it's not that, it's er...

237
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,879
Her son Luca thinks that he might
not go to university next year,

238
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,959
so I said he could come round ours
to see what it's like.

239
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,479
What what's like?

240
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,839
I guess, being a student,
the whole shared house thing.

241
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,119
What, you mean three years
cohabitating with people
you think like you,

242
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,479
and then discover they'd
rather you were Ken Hom?

243
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,799
Oh, Howard, you're making
something out of nothing.

244
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,319
Oh, am I? Well, a bit like
Ken Hom on Ready Steady Cook.

245
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,959
Oh, my God. Vod, can you get
Howard another pint, please?

246
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,159
I'm going to airlift you out of
these doldrums, Howard, as of now.

247
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,999
Coming right up.

248
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,559
So, you'll be nice to him, yeah?

249
00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:00,359
Guys? Show him we're cool,
being at uni's cool...

250
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,919
We're like a six-headed advert
for University right here.

251
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,319
I mean, look at us!

252
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,479
If we can't convince him that being
a student's cool, then nothing will.

253
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,759
OK, great, so I'll bring him
round tomorrow about three, OK?

254
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,759
I am actually auditioning some
potential new housemates tomorrow,

255
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,519
but that should be OK.

256
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,639
Does Luca know that you're
knobbing Mummy bear?

257
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:21,439
Yeah, er... No, but it's all good,
we've decided not to tell him.

258
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,119
OK, that's mature.

259
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,479
Oh, I see, the woman
drinking Smirnoff Ice

260
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,199
is calling the man drinking
Campari immature.

261
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,719
Nice.

262
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,159
It'll be fine.

263
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,769
I know what I'm doing.

264
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:40,419
I've whittled it down to four
jobs that I would do.

265
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,659
Number One,

266
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:42,939
Spy.

267
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:44,299
Please could I become a spy?

268
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,259
Well, do you speak any languages?

269
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:50,059
Yeah, this one. English. Ooh,
and I'm really good at accents.

270
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,099
Though I imagine that's
probably not as good.

271
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,699
Let's hear your other ideas.

272
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,179
Tennis umpire.

273
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,059
Brackets, women's.

274
00:13:57,060 --> 00:13:58,339
Three, spaceman...

275
00:13:58,340 --> 00:14:00,139
That's not realistic.

276
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,739
Mmm, yeah - sure,
bloody unmanned probes.

277
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:05,099
Jonathan, rather than
working through your...

278
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,299
napkin, why don't you tell me
what you'd like to get

279
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,459
out of a future career, and then
maybe we can work backwards.

280
00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:12,459
Sweet.

281
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,339
Erm, well...

282
00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:18,340
first up, my brother would have to
absolutely shit his pants with envy.

283
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,339
If envy can make you do that.

284
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:23,059
OK, we can come back to that.
What about what YOU need?

285
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:24,099
What I need?

286
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,779
150, 120 minimum.
Company car...

287
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,059
No, no, I mean emotionally -
what is it that... Sorry,

288
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:32,219
do you mean £150,000
when you say 150?

289
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,019
Yeah. Excluding bonuses, obv.

290
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:36,459
That's not going to happen.

291
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,979
None of the jobs you mentioned
pay anything like that much.

292
00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:40,939
Spaceman, spy - none of them.

293
00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:44,579
Sorry? You think James Bond is
earning less than 150K a year?

294
00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:45,939
He's not real though, is he?

295
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,539
You think he's stood at the bar
flicking through his wallet,

296
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:51,019
wondering whether he can afford
another Vodka Martini or

297
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,379
if he has to switch to Fosters?
Come on, mate.

298
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:57,219
The average starting salary for
a UK graduate is currently

299
00:14:57,220 --> 00:15:01,220
just under?22,000, Jonathan.

300
00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:04,139
Well, I'm afraid that
simply won't do.

301
00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:05,259
What does that mean?

302
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:08,619
What it means is that
I have a lifestyle to maintain.

303
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:11,739
I am very much a resident
of Easy Street.

304
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:15,740
My address is essentially number 1,
Easy Street, London.

305
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,339
I need a job that befits that.

306
00:15:18,340 --> 00:15:21,259
A job that is fun, simple
and above all,

307
00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:22,939
extremely well paid.

308
00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:25,299
I'm sorry to say, none of those jobs
are the answer...

309
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,059
I haven't finished!

310
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,379
Four,

311
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:31,459
head chef.
- Can you cook?

312
00:15:31,460 --> 00:15:33,339
Not really, no.

313
00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:37,340
OK...

314
00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:41,099
OK, so... this is the kitchen.

315
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,619
Er, just ignore Vod,
she won't be here next year.

316
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:47,259
Unless her exams go really
fucking badly, eh, Vod?

317
00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:51,260
Oh, no - one of my housemates
has left the milk out. Ugh.

318
00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:52,979
You just did that.

319
00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:56,699
I really hate it
when people do that.

320
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:59,339
Shall I put it back in the fridge?

321
00:15:59,340 --> 00:16:03,340
You do whatever feels right, Helen.

322
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:15,339
- I'm Helen, by the way.
- Oh, sod this,
I can't work under these conditions,

323
00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:16,579
I'm going to the pub.

324
00:16:16,580 --> 00:16:20,219
Cool. I'll see you there in a bit.

325
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,739
What? Will you?

326
00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:23,979
Yeah, I'm, er,
helping Howard to cheer up.

327
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,779
By taking him to the pub at 11am?

328
00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:28,859
I mean, isn't that just a really
fucking terrible idea?

329
00:16:28,860 --> 00:16:31,179
Not when your totally badass
housemate's supplying

330
00:16:31,180 --> 00:16:32,219
all the drinks!

331
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:33,899
Yeah, Jose, look about that...

332
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:37,900
Vod is a legend in this house. She
can get you anything you want!

333
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:44,459
Helen, cup of tea?

334
00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:45,819
Oh, yeah, great - thanks.

335
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:49,820
It's all out there
and mine's milk with one.

336
00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,459
Oh. Hi, sorry.

337
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:55,499
Hey, Kingsley, just showing Helen
the, er, kitchen.

338
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:56,939
And getting her to make the tea.

339
00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:58,299
If you want one too...

340
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,259
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Milk, no sugar, please.

341
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:03,859
Quite a lot of milk though,
so, erm, colour wise,

342
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:07,860
probably somewhere between beech
and young pine.

343
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:15,099
Are you tidying down?
That is insane.

344
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,379
Yeah, I just don't want Luca to
think we're, like, squares.

345
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:21,099
Anyway, what are you doing?
Why is she making you tea?

346
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:23,899
Look, I've had to put up with
Oregon's scummy tea for three years,

347
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,379
I'm not going through that again.

348
00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:28,059
Anyway, you can tell a lot
about a person by their tea.

349
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,299
Yours, for example,
tastes very selfish.

350
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,899
Here you go.

351
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,299
Erm, I didn't have my wood wall
chart with me, I'm afraid

352
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,139
so I just sort of made yours the
same colour as Jennifer Aniston.

353
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:38,459
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

354
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:41,259
Great, thank you.

355
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:45,260
Thank you!

356
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:55,859
Ta-da!

357
00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:57,979
Oh, right. Wow.

358
00:17:57,980 --> 00:17:59,459
I'm bringing poetry back.

359
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:01,499
Hard.

360
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,539
Yeah. Er, what is the prize exactly?

361
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:06,619
Well, poetry is in many ways
its own prize, Nas.

362
00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:10,620
But specifically, it's?20,000
and a week at a poetry retreat, yes.

363
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,779
Oh, fuck. OK.

364
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:14,819
But the second prize is only 3.

365
00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:16,259
Yeah, I mean, we can't do that.

366
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:17,619
Well, we ARE doing it,

367
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:20,419
I've already commissioned a Perspex
award in the shape of a comma.

368
00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:21,859
No, I mean the money, that's...

369
00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:24,739
And I ordered a massive novelty
cheque like the ones supermarkets

370
00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:27,339
use when they donate to Comic Relief.
- We can't afford it.

371
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,659
There's no way we can give
away that kind of money...

372
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:31,139
Stop telling me what to do!

373
00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:32,459
I am your leader.

374
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:36,219
I have been elected to do things,
and things is what I'm going to do.

375
00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:38,499
If Joanna Lumley can build
a garden on a bridge,

376
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,139
then I should have my poetry prize!

377
00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:44,140
£20,000 would make it the most
lucrative poetry prize in the UK.

378
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:45,739
By five grand.

379
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:47,219
Good!

380
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:49,579
No, not good, it's...
We can't afford it.

381
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:51,779
We can! I've made some cuts.

382
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:53,739
Some absolute swingers.

383
00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:56,499
No longer will we blindly
fund three bloody rugby teams

384
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,579
for a bunch of loaded,
landed toffs.

385
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:02,499
The egg-chasers are on their own
and I've issued a press release

386
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,619
that displays that both cleverly
and hilariously.

387
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:07,179
Yeah, you can't just cut rugby...

388
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,899
Well, I can. I have.
It's done.

389
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,459
Well, they'll crucify you for this.

390
00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:14,259
Perhaps they will. And let's just
say I won't be the first person

391
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:17,459
to be crucified for trying to do
something good.

392
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:21,339
Sorry, are you comparing
yourself to Christ now?

393
00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:24,859
No, I am not comparing,
just alluding.

394
00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:27,499
It's a subtle difference and one
that, if you read more poetry,

395
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:31,500
you would understand.

396
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:35,499
That's the secret to good boozing.

397
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,459
A sweet spot.

398
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:41,259
The magic mark where your worries
have gone,

399
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:44,019
but your faculties haven't,
and boom!

400
00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:45,299
You're one chipper chappy.

401
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,059
Right. And how much would that
normally require?

402
00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:52,060
In my experience, it's almost always
£25, no matter what you buy.

403
00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:55,379
Because, like in terms of quantity
of booze,

404
00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:57,779
£25 sounds quite a lot.

405
00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:01,059
It's fine! The government says
that seven pints a day is fine.

406
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:02,979
- Do they?
- Yeah.

407
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:05,139
Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably, yeah.

408
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:07,979
Look, don't overthink it, OK?

409
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:09,779
It's easy to know
when to stop drinking,

410
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:13,219
because your body has
a sort of fail safe, like, erm,

411
00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:15,699
your hand goes all floppy
so you can't hold the glass.

412
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,819
Or your mouth goes weird and the
woman in the offie

413
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:18,859
can't understand you.

414
00:20:18,860 --> 00:20:21,499
If you think about it, Howie,
you can't really drink too much

415
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,019
because you pass out.

416
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,059
Nature will look after you.

417
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:28,539
- Yeah. I do feel considerably
more relaxed now.
- Yeah!

418
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:31,619
Damn straight. And we've only
just started.

419
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,819
Two more pints, please, Vod.

420
00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:37,019
Uh, yeah.

421
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:40,699
Just could one of you
maybe pretend to give me

422
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:44,700
money in case Reuben's watching?

423
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:50,379
Oh, my God!

424
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:54,380
They're coming! Everyone just do
what you'd normally do.

425
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:03,579
Er, so everyone, this is Luca.

426
00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:06,739
Er, Luca, everyone!

427
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:09,379
Er...

428
00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:12,259
Just ignore that guy, Luca -
he's just here about renting a room.

429
00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:13,979
OK. So, welcome to the mad house!

430
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,379
Sorry about the mess,
we weren't expecting anyone.

431
00:21:16,380 --> 00:21:19,259
What's your poison, Luca? We've got
wine, we've got beer...

432
00:21:19,260 --> 00:21:21,539
Oh, well, it's only, like, 3pm.
So...

433
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:22,979
Pimms o'clock! Good man.

434
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:24,499
No, I just mean, it's quite early.

435
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,739
Not for us, lad,

436
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:28,339
cos we're on it dawn till dusk.

437
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:31,659
And, of course, after dusk,
because then it is the evening.

438
00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:35,459
We do also sometimes get our geek
on, despite the obvious party vibes.

439
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,619
It's not all one long,
boozy fuckfest!

440
00:21:37,620 --> 00:21:40,459
But it mainly is.
Erm, you should ask Vod.

441
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:42,419
She's our resident Gazza!

442
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:44,139
Right, Vod?

443
00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:45,179
Vod?

444
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,299
Huh?

445
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:50,779
Yeah, whatever. Can you, er,
keep it down a bit?

446
00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:52,539
I'm trying to do my dissertation.

447
00:21:52,540 --> 00:21:54,299
Yeah, right - good one. Classic!

448
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:57,099
So, Luca, the word on the street is
that you're after

449
00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,659
the 411 of what being
a student is all about?

450
00:21:59,660 --> 00:22:01,379
- Am I right?
- Yeah, sort of.

451
00:22:01,380 --> 00:22:03,899
Well, I'm the President of the Union
here in Manchester,

452
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:05,379
so I know a thing or two about that.

453
00:22:05,380 --> 00:22:09,299
Are you the one that tried
to fire my mum?

454
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:11,539
I am, actually, yeah, erm,

455
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:13,779
but I don't want to go into details,
but I'm afraid

456
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:16,299
your mother is a traitor.
- Let's not get bogged down in that,

457
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:18,459
let's just give him a sense
of what it's like, hm?

458
00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:21,899
OK, Luca. You definitely want to go
to university! It's amazing!

459
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:23,499
Erm, you get really pissed.

460
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:26,459
You work really hard and you have
sex with people that you

461
00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:29,739
won't like at all, uh,
but in a really fun way.

462
00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:32,499
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot
of faeces that goes along with it,

463
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,259
obviously.

464
00:22:34,260 --> 00:22:36,259
Local people hate you,
the nightlife's jizz,

465
00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:38,739
the societies are fucking lame,
tutors don't give a shit

466
00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:40,659
and you're always broke.

467
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:43,659
But, er...

468
00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:45,339
...er...

469
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:47,659
Oh, fuck, I can't remember what
the but was.

470
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:51,539
- Anyway, I guess it's only three years.
- Yeah.

471
00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:54,699
Sorry, guys, I think my mum might
have given you the wrong idea.

472
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:56,819
I mean, it's not that I don't
want to go to uni,

473
00:22:56,820 --> 00:22:59,819
it's more that
I just don't see the point.

474
00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:01,139
Go on, this'll be good.

475
00:23:01,140 --> 00:23:04,699
Well, I've had offers from two
places to do Food Science, but I've

476
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:08,139
no idea if the courses are actually
any good, or what I'll do after.

477
00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:10,459
The only thing I know for sure is
I'll come out of it with

478
00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:12,499
a huge fucking debt
and probably have to

479
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,539
work as a pot-wash in some
kitchen somewhere...

480
00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:16,059
But you'll have a degree, Luca.

481
00:23:16,060 --> 00:23:18,459
That's worth, you know, a lot.

482
00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:19,859
Why, though?

483
00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:22,059
I mean, how's it going to be
useful to me later?

484
00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:23,979
Look, what do you want to do?

485
00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:26,939
Well, erm, I don't know.

486
00:23:26,940 --> 00:23:28,899
Er, perhaps work in radio
or something?

487
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:32,099
- And you study?
- Geology, yeah.

488
00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:33,979
Well, exactly.

489
00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:35,379
So what's the point?

490
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:38,339
I mean, how's your Geology degree
going to help you with that?

491
00:23:38,340 --> 00:23:41,059
It's just so you've got some
piece of paper that's cost a huge

492
00:23:41,060 --> 00:23:43,939
chunk of your future earnings,
which will probably be shit anyway.

493
00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:47,940
You never know, he might become
a famous recording artist!

494
00:23:48,420 --> 00:23:52,419
I'm just fucking wit'ya, Kingsley.

495
00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:54,819
Kingsley?

496
00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:57,619
Yes, sorry, no - I just had a tiny
panic attack there.

497
00:23:57,620 --> 00:24:01,339
I mean, no, I see what you're
saying, Luca, but that is wrong.

498
00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:02,459
You do need a degree.

499
00:24:02,460 --> 00:24:05,139
I definitely do. I'm going
to study in the States after this.

500
00:24:05,140 --> 00:24:07,219
That's fine, but you can't do
that forever,

501
00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:10,139
you can't just keep studying.
- Erm, actually, yes, you can.

502
00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:13,699
If you seriously injure someone
in your practical, er, you can

503
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:16,059
repeat a year.
- But I mean long term, though.

504
00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:17,699
You're putting all this time

505
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:21,219
and money into a system that might
have nothing for you.

506
00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,939
The number of unemployed graduates
are going up,

507
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:26,659
starting salaries are going down,
UK industries are

508
00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,259
out-sourcing, down-sizing.

509
00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:32,260
Do you know they reckon it'll
take 30 years for the average

510
00:24:32,580 --> 00:24:36,179
student to pay off their student loan.
- What?

511
00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:38,459
And that's if you even get a job.

512
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:39,859
Luca. Sweetheart.

513
00:24:39,860 --> 00:24:42,739
Once I have my Sushi restaurant, you
can come and put the soya sauce

514
00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:44,539
in the little plastic fish
or something.

515
00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:46,899
- What you on about?
- I'm going to be a Sashimi Master.

516
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:48,499
You got any training in that, then?

517
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,019
No, but I have got
an excellent set of knives.

518
00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:52,859
Cos it takes like, ten years.

519
00:24:52,860 --> 00:24:55,299
Hmm. Ridiculous!

520
00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:58,419
Here is your tea.

521
00:24:58,420 --> 00:25:02,420
Oh, my God, have you left
the bag in?

522
00:25:02,580 --> 00:25:04,499
Is, is that not right?

523
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:08,500
Get out, you pervert!

524
00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:12,820
The thing is, Luca, university gives
you really valuable life experience

525
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:15,299
that you wouldn't get otherwise,
at home, or...

526
00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:18,019
Look, I'm going to move to Seoul for
three years, learn Korean

527
00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:20,339
then try and get work out there.
- Do that. Go to Korea.

528
00:25:20,340 --> 00:25:23,019
- Sounds amazing.
- It can't just be
that simple though, can it?

529
00:25:23,020 --> 00:25:24,979
I mean, you can't just
"go to Korea".

530
00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:28,499
I don't remember that being
an option on the fucking UCAS form.

531
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,779
- You can't just do that!
- Maybe I should go to Korea...

532
00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:33,259
No, no, no, stop it!
Because this is what you do.

533
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:36,459
You go to school and then you leave
and you go to uni,

534
00:25:36,460 --> 00:25:40,460
that's... There are, there are,
there are reasons for this.

535
00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:45,699
I haven't just wasted three years
of my fucking life for no reason!

536
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:47,299
I'd say, if you want to work
in radio,

537
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:48,939
that you definitely have wasted...

538
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,739
No, no, Luca, just, just...

539
00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:52,699
just shut up!
- JP: Oh, my God!

540
00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:55,259
How can it take ten years to learn
how to cut up a fucking tuna?

541
00:25:55,260 --> 00:25:58,019
But, Geology's safe, it's...

542
00:25:58,020 --> 00:26:01,099
My mum said it was safe.
It is a safe degree.

543
00:26:01,100 --> 00:26:02,259
Rocks are safe.

544
00:26:02,260 --> 00:26:04,139
I think he's going to be sick.
Pass the cone!

545
00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:06,539
Unless, there's something
I'm not seeing, Kingsley.

546
00:26:06,540 --> 00:26:09,219
Unless there's something special
about uni that I don't know...

547
00:26:09,220 --> 00:26:10,739
Yeah, there is actually, mate -

548
00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:14,740
- I'm fucking your mum!

549
00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:16,459
- What?
- Yeah.

550
00:26:16,460 --> 00:26:17,819
You come in here, all clever,

551
00:26:17,820 --> 00:26:19,859
with your thick eyebrows,
and your cool name,

552
00:26:19,860 --> 00:26:22,499
shitting on everything
with your FACTS.

553
00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:24,259
Well, yes,

554
00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:26,179
I am...

555
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:28,779
in a relationship with your mum,

556
00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:33,365
and I thought now would be a good
and mature time to tell you.

557
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:43,619
SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER

558
00:26:44,090 --> 00:26:48,009
MUSIC: Dancing In The Moonlight
by Thin Lizzy

559
00:26:48,010 --> 00:26:52,010
PHONE RINGS

560
00:26:52,170 --> 00:26:53,969
Are you going to get that?

561
00:26:53,970 --> 00:26:55,849
Um, no.

562
00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:57,849
You're going to have to face
her at some point.

563
00:26:57,850 --> 00:27:00,409
I'm also going to have to die at
some point. That doesn't mean

564
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,769
I have to do it now, just because it
has to happen anyway.

565
00:27:02,770 --> 00:27:04,889
When you do speak to her,
can you tell her from me

566
00:27:04,890 --> 00:27:06,969
that her son is an absolute rotter.

567
00:27:06,970 --> 00:27:09,329
Sushi was my last hope.

568
00:27:09,330 --> 00:27:12,569
Now I haven't got that, I'm doomed
to become one of those very

569
00:27:12,570 --> 00:27:15,129
smart tramps that you see
outside a chemist...

570
00:27:15,130 --> 00:27:17,289
Can you shut up, please, JP?

571
00:27:17,290 --> 00:27:21,290
I keep accidentally writing words
you're saying in my dissertation.

572
00:27:21,330 --> 00:27:24,129
I've just called Hemingway a rotter.

573
00:27:24,130 --> 00:27:27,129
Which, thinking about it,
is actually fine.

574
00:27:27,130 --> 00:27:30,529
Oh, everything's fine for you.
You've got a job.

575
00:27:30,530 --> 00:27:32,929
Look at you.
Strutting around with your tea-towel

576
00:27:32,930 --> 00:27:35,849
and your corkscrew like
Deborah fucking Meaden.

577
00:27:35,850 --> 00:27:38,969
You're safe. Us three are fucked.

578
00:27:38,970 --> 00:27:41,049
PHONE RINGS

579
00:27:41,050 --> 00:27:45,050
OK, shit, let's do this...

580
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:46,849
Pronto.

581
00:27:46,850 --> 00:27:50,769
OK, sorry, fine! Hi!

582
00:27:50,770 --> 00:27:53,929
For the record JP, I'm in a slightly
different Venn.

583
00:27:53,930 --> 00:27:55,649
Given that I'm Union President

584
00:27:55,650 --> 00:27:58,409
and I'm launching an amazing new
poetry prize that's going to

585
00:27:58,410 --> 00:28:01,089
inspire and energise all of us.

586
00:28:01,090 --> 00:28:02,889
I mean, not rubbing it in
or anything,

587
00:28:02,890 --> 00:28:05,289
but my CV is basically bomb-proof.

588
00:28:05,290 --> 00:28:08,049
Whereas mine'll look like a poster
for a lost dog.

589
00:28:08,050 --> 00:28:10,289
Just take the bank job then, JP!

590
00:28:10,290 --> 00:28:12,089
The suit is clearly your destiny.

591
00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:15,769
I can't wear the suit because
I sashimi-ed the suit.

592
00:28:15,770 --> 00:28:19,289
If I put it on I'd look like I was
in an explosion in a cartoon.

593
00:28:19,290 --> 00:28:20,769
Who's up for darts?

594
00:28:20,770 --> 00:28:24,729
I have a 20 pence down payment
on the next game.

595
00:28:24,730 --> 00:28:27,649
Er, Vod, can I have a
Randy Dragon, please?

596
00:28:27,650 --> 00:28:30,609
Er, yeah, I think you've had enough.
Hence why you keep mingling.

597
00:28:30,610 --> 00:28:33,729
Mingling is polite. I am not pissed!

598
00:28:33,730 --> 00:28:35,449
I'm just sociable.

599
00:28:35,450 --> 00:28:37,489
Another beer please, Vod.

600
00:28:37,490 --> 00:28:40,529
Oh, yeah, and another Prosecco
while you're up there.

601
00:28:40,530 --> 00:28:43,089
So how are my new tenants?

602
00:28:43,090 --> 00:28:46,729
Awful. It's like a total fucking
charisma vacuum.

603
00:28:46,730 --> 00:28:49,929
It's like watching Michael Owen
interview Tim Henman.

604
00:28:49,930 --> 00:28:52,809
They're like, "Uh, does
the kitchen have spoons?

605
00:28:52,810 --> 00:28:55,569
"Do the bedrooms have black mould?"
Who cares!

606
00:28:55,570 --> 00:28:57,969
- Fucking saddos!
- Yes, right!

607
00:28:57,970 --> 00:29:00,529
Drunk Howard would be right
in that house next year,

608
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:04,530
this man here is officially a laugh.

609
00:29:05,610 --> 00:29:07,809
Actually, Vod, I'll have a
Peach Schnapps.

610
00:29:07,810 --> 00:29:09,929
No, you won't, I've just poured you
a beer.

611
00:29:09,930 --> 00:29:11,649
That's all right, I'll have that.

612
00:29:11,650 --> 00:29:14,369
No, you won't, pisshead.
You've got water.

613
00:29:14,370 --> 00:29:16,929
You've got beer.

614
00:29:16,930 --> 00:29:19,609
- But I want Peach Schnapps...
- Well, you've got a beer!

615
00:29:19,610 --> 00:29:21,529
Ooh, she's finally "schnapped"!

616
00:29:21,530 --> 00:29:22,649
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

617
00:29:22,650 --> 00:29:26,529
Yeah! "Schnapped" like Schnapps.

618
00:29:26,530 --> 00:29:29,929
- That's funny! I love drunk Howard!
- Hey, mate! That's my 20p!

619
00:29:29,930 --> 00:29:31,409
I'm up next!

620
00:29:31,410 --> 00:29:33,689
- Ooh, Vod? Prosecco?
- I'll take a Whisky chaser.

621
00:29:33,690 --> 00:29:35,369
Right. OK, stop!

622
00:29:35,370 --> 00:29:37,329
Right, all of you!

623
00:29:37,330 --> 00:29:38,889
Enough of this shit.

624
00:29:38,890 --> 00:29:42,329
I am not your personal fucking
drinks servant!

625
00:29:42,330 --> 00:29:43,929
That would be a butler.

626
00:29:43,930 --> 00:29:46,329
Oh, my God, JP, shut up!

627
00:29:46,330 --> 00:29:50,049
Please just fuck off, OK?
I can't handle this.

628
00:29:50,050 --> 00:29:52,409
This job is meant to be easy.

629
00:29:52,410 --> 00:29:54,889
I'm supposed to be revising
and... and...

630
00:29:54,890 --> 00:29:58,369
and eating Wasabi Peas and
trying to earn some money.

631
00:29:58,370 --> 00:30:02,129
Not baby-sitting the bloody Bash
Street Kids. I like this job.

632
00:30:02,130 --> 00:30:03,689
And I need it.

633
00:30:03,690 --> 00:30:07,449
So, yeah, I'm not letting you lot
fuck it up for me.

634
00:30:07,450 --> 00:30:09,529
Right, no more freebies,

635
00:30:09,530 --> 00:30:12,929
no more mates rates.

636
00:30:12,930 --> 00:30:14,889
Party's over, people.

637
00:30:14,890 --> 00:30:16,729
Cough up or piss off.

638
00:30:16,730 --> 00:30:19,769
Hey, guys? Has anyone seen Vod?

639
00:30:19,770 --> 00:30:22,089
I'm looking for my fun friend,

640
00:30:22,090 --> 00:30:25,609
but she appears to have been
replaced by a robot.

641
00:30:25,610 --> 00:30:27,489
Of course it's my 20p,
you total arsehole!

642
00:30:27,490 --> 00:30:30,129
Don't question me, there's an
honour system.

643
00:30:30,130 --> 00:30:32,729
I mean, you start doubting whose
20p it is, it all falls apart.

644
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:36,489
I mean, I'll do a fucking
fingerprint analysis on it if you
want!

645
00:30:36,490 --> 00:30:39,209
- Calm down!
- All right, fine then call
the police in!

646
00:30:39,210 --> 00:30:41,729
- Get the forensics boys in.
- Howard, calm down!

647
00:30:41,730 --> 00:30:43,089
SHOUTING

648
00:30:43,090 --> 00:30:45,009
Happy now, you queue-jumping
prick, huh?

649
00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:47,009
Oi! Stop it!

650
00:30:47,010 --> 00:30:50,649
- Off!
- I'm going to contact
the bloody ombudsman.

651
00:30:50,650 --> 00:30:52,369
GLASS SMASHES

652
00:30:52,370 --> 00:30:56,129
I think I'm going to be sick.

653
00:30:56,130 --> 00:30:57,369
I'm sorry.

654
00:30:57,370 --> 00:31:00,809
To be fair, you are going out with
me, all he really did was find out.

655
00:31:00,810 --> 00:31:02,769
He didn't "find out", you told him.

656
00:31:02,770 --> 00:31:05,129
Did you even talk to
Luca about University?

657
00:31:05,130 --> 00:31:07,449
- I, I did...
- And, how did that go?

658
00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:10,129
- Well it... What did,
what did Luca say?
- He didn't.

659
00:31:10,130 --> 00:31:13,529
He called me a paedophile for 40 minutes
and then he drove back to his father's.

660
00:31:13,530 --> 00:31:15,929
Yeah, OK, it went really well in
that case.

661
00:31:15,930 --> 00:31:19,209
Erm, he had one logistical question
that I wanted to ask you about...

662
00:31:19,210 --> 00:31:22,129
If it turns out that someone
realises that they're doing

663
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,089
the wrong course
and that they actually,

664
00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:26,929
hate it and don't want to work in
it, can they get their money back?

665
00:31:26,930 --> 00:31:30,889
That is so typical Luca.
He never commits to anything.

666
00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:33,689
I know, yeah, so, erm,
if he did drop out,

667
00:31:33,690 --> 00:31:37,690
in his final term, say,
erm, could he, erm,

668
00:31:37,810 --> 00:31:40,289
would he still have to pay
for the full three years?

669
00:31:40,290 --> 00:31:42,889
- Yes, of course.
- What if it was a mistake?

670
00:31:42,890 --> 00:31:45,969
Studying a subject that you hate
for three years is not a mistake.

671
00:31:45,970 --> 00:31:48,929
Yeah, but I think maybe it can be?

672
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:52,129
No, no. A mistake is like a...
a slipping on ice,

673
00:31:52,130 --> 00:31:54,529
or buying a hat that is too small.

674
00:31:54,530 --> 00:31:57,929
No! You are talking about a
gross error in judgment

675
00:31:57,930 --> 00:32:00,489
followed by years of cowardice.
- I, I suppose I am.

676
00:32:00,490 --> 00:32:02,689
And no-one would expect to
get their money back.

677
00:32:02,690 --> 00:32:05,529
No, no, this would be entirely
Luca's responsibility

678
00:32:05,530 --> 00:32:09,530
and I will insist that he
finish his degree.

679
00:32:10,930 --> 00:32:14,009
What's that? Who is that cheque for?

680
00:32:14,010 --> 00:32:17,009
Uh, it's for someone called
Mr Mind-Your-Own-Fucking-Business,

681
00:32:17,010 --> 00:32:21,010
you don't work for me any more.

682
00:32:28,290 --> 00:32:30,289
Why aren't there more people?

683
00:32:30,290 --> 00:32:31,769
Did you tweet about this?

684
00:32:31,770 --> 00:32:35,409
Yes. Yes, I alerted all of your 27
followers, yeah.

685
00:32:35,410 --> 00:32:39,410
Piece of shit!

686
00:32:39,970 --> 00:32:42,689
Nas, could you do something
about that?

687
00:32:42,690 --> 00:32:44,529
Like what?

688
00:32:44,530 --> 00:32:46,089
Deploy the Student Union tanks?

689
00:32:46,090 --> 00:32:48,009
THUD!

690
00:32:48,010 --> 00:32:49,249
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

691
00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:50,729
Who's the egg-chaser now?

692
00:32:50,730 --> 00:32:51,849
Fucking hell!

693
00:32:51,850 --> 00:32:54,609
- Nas, do something. Stop it.
- Go on! That's it!

694
00:32:54,610 --> 00:32:58,610
- Nas, do something about this.
- Well, don't open another box!

695
00:33:02,450 --> 00:33:03,649
What's that?

696
00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:06,449
That is Ken Hom's stir-fried chicken
and chilli with basil,

697
00:33:06,450 --> 00:33:08,489
I thought it might help
with your hangover.

698
00:33:08,490 --> 00:33:12,089
Thank you. And er, sorry for being
lairy at your new housemates.

699
00:33:12,090 --> 00:33:14,449
I put them off moving in with me
anyway apparently.

700
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,489
I was, and I quote,
"overbearing and unbearable".

701
00:33:17,490 --> 00:33:20,329
I've decided to send drunk Howard
back to Siberia.

702
00:33:20,330 --> 00:33:23,089
Though he may be more chatty
and better at wordplay than I,

703
00:33:23,090 --> 00:33:26,409
he is nevertheless, a bit of a dick.

704
00:33:26,410 --> 00:33:28,289
- Yeah.
- And while sober Howard faces

705
00:33:28,290 --> 00:33:32,049
a lifetime of struggling to
understand humans and their subtext

706
00:33:32,050 --> 00:33:33,649
and sport,

707
00:33:33,650 --> 00:33:36,569
I kind of know where
I stand with him, as in me.

708
00:33:36,570 --> 00:33:39,249
And I don't hate it.

709
00:33:39,250 --> 00:33:42,609
Hence why I've decided to apply
for the Ordnance Survey job.

710
00:33:42,610 --> 00:33:44,169
Attaboy, Howard!

711
00:33:44,170 --> 00:33:46,169
OK...

712
00:33:46,170 --> 00:33:47,769
Right,

713
00:33:47,770 --> 00:33:51,770
question number one. "Do you thrive
on being relied upon?"

714
00:33:52,450 --> 00:33:54,969
Uh, no.

715
00:33:54,970 --> 00:33:58,049
OK. I'm just going to put "yes"
for that.

716
00:33:58,050 --> 00:33:59,489
Hmm. Question two?

717
00:33:59,490 --> 00:34:01,249
"Reasons for applying?"

718
00:34:01,250 --> 00:34:04,489
Erm, that's an incredibly
complicated question. Erm...

719
00:34:04,490 --> 00:34:08,490
I'm just going to put
"Love of maps".

720
00:34:09,770 --> 00:34:12,129
Six broken glasses,
three broken chairs,

721
00:34:12,130 --> 00:34:14,209
then there's the free drinks...

722
00:34:14,210 --> 00:34:18,210
In total we're talking... 380 quid.

723
00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:20,209
Please don't fire me, OK, Reuben?

724
00:34:20,210 --> 00:34:23,769
I really need this job and, erm...

725
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:26,609
Nothing like this can ever
happen again.

726
00:34:26,610 --> 00:34:29,689
I'm taking it out of your wages
till you're square.

727
00:34:29,690 --> 00:34:31,289
Thank you, Reuben.

728
00:34:31,290 --> 00:34:34,569
Look, I won't let you down.
I promise.

729
00:34:34,570 --> 00:34:37,689
I'm really looking forward to the
meeting, bro. Big time.

730
00:34:37,690 --> 00:34:40,889
You tell Jonty Bonty that
Prentice Junior is climbing aboard

731
00:34:40,890 --> 00:34:44,890
HMS Moneybags and getting the fuck
out of Dunkirk...

732
00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:49,089
There is just one tiny
problem with the suit.

733
00:34:49,090 --> 00:34:53,090
MUSIC: Crazy Horses
by The Osmonds

734
00:34:53,930 --> 00:34:57,009
♪ Crazy horses all got riders

735
00:34:57,010 --> 00:35:01,010
♪ And they're you and I...

736
00:35:01,370 --> 00:35:03,729
♪ Crazy horses... ♪

737
00:35:03,730 --> 00:35:05,449
I've only gone and done it again!

738
00:35:05,450 --> 00:35:07,969
I have nicked a barrel of beer!

739
00:35:07,970 --> 00:35:10,729
Oi, everyone!

740
00:35:10,730 --> 00:35:12,729
♪ ..Never stop and they never die

741
00:35:12,730 --> 00:35:16,730
♪ They just keep on puffin'
How they multiply

742
00:35:16,770 --> 00:35:20,770
♪ Crazy horses
Will they never halt?

743
00:35:21,170 --> 00:35:24,249
♪ If they keep on moving
Then it's all our fault... ♪

744
00:35:24,250 --> 00:35:26,089
SHE GROANS

745
00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:30,090
- Holy shit! Is that your bath water?
- Randy Dragon.

746
00:35:31,570 --> 00:35:35,129
Little house gift from me. I just
cracked it open like a big egg.

747
00:35:35,130 --> 00:35:37,449
What happened to the whole
"needing a job" thing?

748
00:35:37,450 --> 00:35:41,450
I did, mate. And I told 'em to shove
it up their jacks, didn't I?

749
00:35:41,490 --> 00:35:43,409
Oi, put this bird in a cage

750
00:35:43,410 --> 00:35:47,410
and she will bend the bars with
her beak and nick the cuttlefish.

751
00:35:47,570 --> 00:35:49,689
It's what I do.

752
00:35:49,690 --> 00:35:51,849
She's back...

753
00:35:51,850 --> 00:35:55,850
Everyone!
Vod's back and she's brought booze!

754
00:35:56,210 --> 00:35:57,689
Yes! Vintage Vod!

755
00:35:57,690 --> 00:35:59,889
It's like you read my mind.

756
00:35:59,890 --> 00:36:01,409
Why can I smell beer?

757
00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:04,129
I've tipped a barrel of beer
in the tub, Howard!

758
00:36:04,130 --> 00:36:07,529
On my way!

759
00:36:07,530 --> 00:36:09,609
Oh, God, why have you done this?

760
00:36:09,610 --> 00:36:12,249
I wanted to just have a bath and
just bang out my dissertation.

761
00:36:12,250 --> 00:36:14,609
Pissertation, more like!

762
00:36:14,610 --> 00:36:15,849
Great.

763
00:36:15,850 --> 00:36:18,129
Look we've got a bath of booze
on our hands here,

764
00:36:18,130 --> 00:36:20,609
so you need to get with the fucking
programme, Oregon.

765
00:36:20,610 --> 00:36:23,089
Because this is what being
at university is all about.

766
00:36:23,090 --> 00:36:27,090
Exactly. I wish Luca could see this,
the smug little shit.

767
00:36:29,970 --> 00:36:31,769
Ciao, Luca. Kingsley here.

768
00:36:31,770 --> 00:36:34,729
Er, just to let you know that
being at Uni's really rubbish.

769
00:36:34,730 --> 00:36:36,609
Look we've got a bathful of beer!

770
00:36:36,610 --> 00:36:38,769
CHEERING AND SHOUTING

771
00:36:38,770 --> 00:36:40,249
Oh, no! What a shame!

772
00:36:40,250 --> 00:36:42,769
Good luck getting that in Korea,
you twat.

773
00:36:42,770 --> 00:36:46,129
This is what you're missing out
on, Luca, you lanky bitch!

774
00:36:46,130 --> 00:36:49,489
Hi, Luca! Erm, so...

775
00:36:49,490 --> 00:36:52,849
"Air pollution, particularly
vehicle pollution,

776
00:36:52,850 --> 00:36:55,169
"is an increasing problem in Seoul.

777
00:36:55,170 --> 00:36:57,929
"Cos this can cause minor
respiratory problems

778
00:36:57,930 --> 00:37:00,889
"such as sinusitis,
dry throat and irritated eyes."

779
00:37:00,890 --> 00:37:04,890
So, er, good luck trying to breathe
in Korea, Luca, you idiot!

780
00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:08,409
Erm, Luca, I forgive you
for punching me by the way.

781
00:37:08,410 --> 00:37:12,410
Don't show this to your mum,
please, mate.

782
00:37:16,050 --> 00:37:17,849
I'm going to love it, aren't I?

783
00:37:17,850 --> 00:37:21,249
Tommo says they've got a
free 24 hour canteen,

784
00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:25,250
whisky lounge, sleeping pods
for pulling all-nighters,

785
00:37:25,370 --> 00:37:28,129
so, that'll be fun, won't it?

786
00:37:28,130 --> 00:37:30,249
Fun, worky, boozy sleepovers...

787
00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,089
What are you doing?

788
00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:35,129
OK, I need you to stop talking now.

789
00:37:35,130 --> 00:37:38,849
Right, but...

790
00:37:38,850 --> 00:37:40,969
Look, I know I said last time
was the last time,

791
00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:43,729
but it's actually this time.
Definitely.

792
00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:45,489
HE MUTTERS

793
00:37:45,490 --> 00:37:47,049
Sh, sh, sh.

794
00:37:47,050 --> 00:37:50,969
MUMBLING

795
00:37:50,970 --> 00:37:52,329
What?

796
00:37:52,330 --> 00:37:56,329
Can you pop in a cheeky pinkie
again?

797
00:37:56,330 --> 00:37:58,649
Yeah.

798
00:37:58,650 --> 00:38:02,650
MUSIC: Crazy Horses
by The Osmonds