1 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:04,899 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:08,259 Good morning, housemates! 26 hours till finals! Ah, sh...it! Hot! 3 00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:11,659 MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven by Sparks 4 00:00:11,660 --> 00:00:13,699 Er, Kingsley, I... 5 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,459 got your tea. 6 00:00:15,460 --> 00:00:17,859 Fuck off! 7 00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:19,539 Vod, I made you a... 8 00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:20,819 Ohh... 9 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:24,820 Get out. 10 00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:30,299 Ooh... Ooh... Ooh... 11 00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:31,779 Oh, my God! 12 00:00:31,780 --> 00:00:33,139 Don't look at me! 13 00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:34,659 Howard? 14 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:38,059 Yes, I'm masturbating, and, no, I do not have time to stop! 15 00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:39,499 OK. 16 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,699 Guys, I know it's exam time and everyone's revising 17 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,299 and you're all under a lot of stress, 18 00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:48,300 but can you please stop wanking and shouting?! 19 00:01:16,060 --> 00:01:18,139 Oh, you're not wanking! 20 00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,579 No. 21 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,859 I'm tired of wanking. 22 00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:25,860 You know, it is said that when a man is tired of wanking, 23 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:27,619 he is tired of life. 24 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:30,179 Yeah, I don't think that is said. 25 00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:31,819 How's the revision going? 26 00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:33,419 I've gone slightly insane. 27 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:37,420 I wrote the word "igneous" thousands of times on tiny little cards. 28 00:01:38,980 --> 00:01:42,419 OK. 29 00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,139 Oh! 30 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:45,579 New commission? 31 00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:46,619 No. 32 00:01:46,620 --> 00:01:50,499 I drew that for fun. 33 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,379 Well, if there's anything I can do to help... 34 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:56,380 Anything...within certain limits. 35 00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:16,460 Housemates! At the beep, the time until finals will be... 36 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,779 22 hours. 37 00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:22,780 Beep! 38 00:02:24,860 --> 00:02:26,139 What if you wake up on the morning 39 00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:28,819 of your finals and your hands have gone all floppy? Shut up, Josie. 40 00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:31,139 You've got these floppy hands and they won't hold a pen 41 00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:32,419 and you turn up and you're like, 42 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,939 "Hi, I'm Edward Floppyhands, I don't think I can do my exam"? 43 00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:37,459 Shut up, Josie. It probably won't, but it could happen. 44 00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:41,460 What if it has happened? I might google it. Don't you google it. 45 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:43,739 Howard, I've made you a salmon and kelp smoothie. 46 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,419 It's got eight Pro Plus in it. 47 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:47,659 Slaty cleavage, gneiss, gastroliths, escarpments... 48 00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:49,179 I'll just pop it down. Not... 49 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:53,019 on the table. 50 00:02:53,020 --> 00:02:56,139 Josie, this is an external partition of my mind. 51 00:02:56,140 --> 00:03:00,140 Would you put an uncoastered drink onto my mind? 52 00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:05,740 Hey, Vod, I need another book of tickets for Vod's World Of Carnage. 53 00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:08,539 Vod and Kingsley's World Of Cheese And Carnage, thank you. 54 00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:11,019 It's the Lake Of Fire. You say those three little words 55 00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,939 and everyone's, like, "Oh, Josie, please take my money! 56 00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:15,579 "Anything for the Lake Of Fire!" 57 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,979 Well, it is an amazing concept, to be totally fair to myself. 58 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,819 I didn't sign off on a Lake Of Fire. Kingo, 59 00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:24,539 I have told you - head of logistics, head of vision. 60 00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,299 You know, I come up with the concepts, 61 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,099 you come up with the...plastic cups. 62 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,579 I'm sorting the plastic cups?! 63 00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:32,419 That is... 64 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,259 beyond the fucking pale. 65 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:35,819 Well, I've only gone and done it. 66 00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:39,059 I've fucked it off and hired a barge. 67 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,339 I need to just get away from it all - 68 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:45,340 no internet, no... 69 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,299 ..distractions. 70 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,219 How have you afforded that? You're broke. 71 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:52,819 Oh, I cracked into my 5K buffer. 72 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:54,099 So... 73 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,379 Howard... 74 00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:59,939 what do you say to me, you and your lovely, lovely brain table 75 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,940 taking a serene study cruise down the historic Barton Aqueduct? 76 00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:06,819 Oh, let me guess, all aboard the banter barge? 77 00:04:06,820 --> 00:04:08,579 Nope. No bants. 78 00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:10,219 Tough on bants. 79 00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:14,220 Tough on the causes of bants. Total bants clamp-down. 80 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,659 Just pure, hard-core study. 81 00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:18,219 JP, suffice it to say, 82 00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:22,220 I will not be joining you on your ship of fools. 83 00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:30,139 Seven. 84 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:31,979 I'm seven days clean. 85 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,819 Seven days since I shagged JP. 86 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:37,059 I'm proud of you, mate. 87 00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:39,019 A week sober. 88 00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,499 Yeah. 89 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,499 It's like... I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place 90 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:47,019 where I can say I'll never shag JP again, but... 91 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:50,259 by God, I'm gonna try! 92 00:04:50,260 --> 00:04:53,619 Here's something to take your mind off JP's knob. 93 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:57,620 More tickets. 94 00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:02,220 SHE EXHALES 95 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:12,419 VOD SNIFFS DEEPLY 96 00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:13,539 You've had a man in here! 97 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:15,539 No! No? 98 00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:19,259 Hmm. 99 00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:21,299 So...what is this?! 100 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:25,300 The world's straightest pube? 101 00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:27,539 I'm seeing... 102 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:29,259 a private tutor. I... 103 00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:32,059 am having private tuition before my finals. 104 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:33,579 Oh. 105 00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:36,739 So...who's paying for that, then? Merkel? 106 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,099 Please don't call my dad that. It's all right for some, innit? 107 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,419 Look, I'm behind. What with my failed presidency, 108 00:05:42,420 --> 00:05:44,939 and my scholarship, 109 00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:47,579 I have a lot of catching up to do 110 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:51,580 and they can be very insistent, Geoff and Lynda, 111 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:55,780 which is incredibly helpful, because it reminds me what's at stake, 112 00:05:56,820 --> 00:06:00,539 but also sometimes a teeny bit fucking much, 113 00:06:00,540 --> 00:06:02,499 if you know what I mean. 114 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:06,500 Anyway, er, post come, this from... 115 00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:10,379 ..TV Licence and... 116 00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:13,219 this. 117 00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:15,699 Got a US postmark, so I thought... 118 00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,779 My Fulbright application. 119 00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:21,659 What if they found out about the impeachment and they're rejecting me 120 00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:22,699 and then I have a meltdown 121 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,779 and I shave off all my eyebrows and I can't revise? 122 00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:27,179 You don't wanna go under exam conditions without eyebrows. 123 00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:29,859 Believe. You take it. 124 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:32,859 I'll open it...afterwards. 125 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:36,860 JOSIE: Oh, come on, open it! 126 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:45,619 Hi, Oregon. 127 00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:49,620 I just wanted to know if you got it! 128 00:06:50,140 --> 00:06:53,259 I definitely said "mamma mia", cos I say it all the time. 129 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:56,459 "Mamma mia, I've got a lot of revision to do." 130 00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:58,059 "Mamma mia, it's my finals tomorrow 131 00:06:58,060 --> 00:07:00,019 "and my girlfriend won't fucking kiss me." 132 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:04,020 Look, I think we both know it's gone a bit weird lately. 133 00:07:06,140 --> 00:07:07,499 Are you breaking up with me? 134 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,219 No. Cos if you are, I'd rather you just did it, because I cannot 135 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:13,059 have the sword of rejection hanging over me for my whole finals. 136 00:07:13,060 --> 00:07:14,739 Let's just be adults, Rosa. 137 00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:16,779 If it's over, then just say it's over. 138 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:18,819 Kingsley, it's over. 139 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:21,339 What the fuck?! 140 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:24,059 You're breaking up with me the day before my finals?! 141 00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:27,819 Look at this! With the colours, look! 142 00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:29,139 Blue, accretion. 143 00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:30,339 Red, lithology. 144 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:31,659 Yellow, turbidity. 145 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:35,660 Do you see any colours on here that signify emotional turmoil?! 146 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:38,499 No. No, because I don't have time for it! 147 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,819 Great, now I've got a migraine. 148 00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:43,419 I'm sorry, Kingsley... Well, you've ruined my life. 149 00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:45,179 So thanks for that. 150 00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:47,179 So, go on. 151 00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:48,659 Fuck off. 152 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:49,979 Don't you want to talk about it? 153 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:52,779 I don't ever want to talk to you ever again, you evil fucking woman! 154 00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,739 I love you. Please stay with me until after my finals. 155 00:07:55,740 --> 00:07:57,499 Good luck with your exams. 156 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,299 Ciao. 157 00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:03,300 Don't say ciao, you fucking Swiss phoney! 158 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:11,140 ELECTRICAL WHIRRING 159 00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:16,260 ELECTRICAL WHIRRING 160 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,379 HE SIGHS 161 00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:25,380 DISTANT ELECTRICAL WHIRRING 162 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,419 ELECTRICAL WHIRRING 163 00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:32,459 WHIRRING STOPS 164 00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:36,460 All right? 165 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:40,740 ELECTRICAL WHIRRING 166 00:08:45,180 --> 00:08:48,819 JP! 167 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:52,219 With regret, it has become necessary for me 168 00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:55,259 to beg safe passage aboard the revision barge. 169 00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:59,260 Very well, I will add you to the manifest right now. 170 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,699 All aboard the anti-banty boat! 171 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:05,700 GENTLE PASTORAL MUSIC 172 00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:20,899 18 hours left. No pressure, guys! 173 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:24,900 Right, so that's 300 vigorous squat thrusts in the bank. 174 00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:26,659 Parcel came for you. 175 00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:30,660 Oh, great! That's just what I need, a fucking parcel to open! 176 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:36,339 Ooh, where are we on Lake Of Fire? 177 00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:38,779 Oh, Vod, do I look like I've got time to organise a Lake Of Fire 178 00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:41,499 when I'm sat around opening packages all day? 179 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,259 Oh, looks like Kingsley's found ten minutes to open a parcel. 180 00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:47,259 Meanwhile, Violet Nordstrom is chatterboxing away 181 00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:49,059 like she doesn't have finals in the morning. 182 00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:53,060 Oh, look at this shit. Oh, biscuits, energy drinks, Mini Eggs... 183 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:58,460 Like, as if I've got time to sit around eating fucking Mini Eggs! 184 00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:00,699 Aww, your mum sent you a care package! 185 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:04,099 That is so cute! These Mini Eggs are saying, 186 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:07,099 "Hurry up and finish your exams so you can move back home with me." 187 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:09,259 They are tainted and they are aggressive. 188 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,859 Kingsley, do you know what my mum sends me? 189 00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:13,459 Summonses. 190 00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:14,939 She gives them my address. 191 00:10:14,940 --> 00:10:16,499 Affray, council tax, 192 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,579 driving while eating a bagel, all that shit. 193 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,459 At least you're not being sent sub-textual, 194 00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:24,779 passive-aggressive fucking chocolates! 195 00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:28,780 Are you OK, Kingsley? 196 00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:32,779 Yeah... Rosa broke up with me. Oh. 197 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:34,819 What for? Oh, that's not the point. 198 00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:37,339 I thought you didn't like her very much anyway? 199 00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:39,219 That's also not the point. 200 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:42,179 She was my way out, she was my... 201 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:46,180 ..safe haven for next year, my...my Swiss mountain retreat. 202 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:52,419 Is this about your libido? Hmm? 203 00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,179 Nothing. What did you say? 204 00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:55,379 What? 205 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:58,339 I said... 206 00:10:58,340 --> 00:11:02,340 is it about your libido? Because you've got such a... 207 00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:04,939 high libido. 208 00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,419 Why would she break up with me because I've got a high libido? 209 00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:09,299 Because... 210 00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:12,179 it's... 211 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,419 ..exhausting 212 00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:17,420 and quite unhealthy, actually, to be shagged so well and so often. 213 00:11:19,660 --> 00:11:21,619 Josie, have I got a low libido? 214 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:25,620 No. 215 00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:27,339 Relatively low. 216 00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:30,699 Great, so I've got no girlfriend and a relatively low libido. 217 00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,139 Right, I'm gonna go and see 218 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:36,140 if I can find a way to set fire to Worthington fucking Lake! 219 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:39,179 Which reminds me... 220 00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:41,899 Your ticket money. Thanking you. 221 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:45,099 And there's plenty more where that came from. I have got mug punters 222 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,979 from here to Chorley, lining up to have a date 223 00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:51,980 with some really hot fucking water. 224 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,019 I'm not happy with this mooring, 225 00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:56,219 because I don't like its vibe. There's too many geese. 226 00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:58,099 They are sketching me out, we must leave. 227 00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,659 The mooring is fine! 228 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:03,299 The mooring is not fine! The mooring is untenable! 229 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,379 The mooring is perfectly tenable! I'm not happy with the mooring, 230 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,299 so we are leaving and finding a new mooring 231 00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,179 because I cannot revise at this mooring! 232 00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:12,899 Oh, brilliant, so we're gonna get trapped in the lock cycle again. 233 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,239 Yeah, let's just write off another 45 minutes 234 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,439 in the endless, "Gate closing, gate opening," 235 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,199 oh, a friendly wave to the guy with the fucking Scottie dog! 236 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,919 Howard, need I remind you that I am captain of the Bluebell?! 237 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,199 We are finding a new mooring, 238 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,639 so hoist the mizzen and splice the fucking mainbrace! 239 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,359 There is no mizzen, there is no mainbrace, there are no sails. 240 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,360 This is a fucking barge! 241 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,799 DOOR RATTLES 242 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,319 EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT: Having trouble with the door? 243 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:44,200 Aaaargh! 244 00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:44,579 OK, so I've just spoken to some guy in fucking Utah about setting 245 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,759 a lake on fire, cos that's the sort of thing you do the day before 246 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,639 your finals, and he says we can get a giant submersible butane manifold. 247 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,319 Mm! Obviously we'll need to clear the lake first. 248 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,439 Ducks, geese, mallards. 249 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,399 Hmm. No-one wants a goose inferno. 250 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,279 The best way to scare ducks, apparently, 251 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,919 cos I really have time to research this now during my revision, 252 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,920 is to hire some hawks from a local falconry centre. 253 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,919 So apparently for a lake the size of Worthington 254 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,719 we need about six with handlers and a kestrel. 255 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,039 How much is that then? 256 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,119 It's 12 grand for the burner, 1,500 for a 60-litre 257 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,999 industrial butane canister, plus 600 quid each 258 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,439 for a couple of qualified frogmen who plumb it all in. 259 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,999 Er, so with the hawks, the manifold, the diffuser 260 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,000 and petrol for the frogmen, it's?18,000. 261 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,439 That gives us four minutes of solid, safe, controlled flame. 262 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,599 Right. 263 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,600 18 grand... 264 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,839 Unless... 265 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,839 I mean, obviously you can't put a price on safety. 266 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,479 But, you also sort of can. 267 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,759 I mean, on one hand there is the wellbeing of the punters, 268 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,679 and then on the other hand, well, there's profit. 269 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:07,239 And can you see how there's a little bit of a balancing act there? 270 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,599 Is it a balancing act that's on a tightrope that's on fire? 271 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,959 Kingo, we've got to look after our futures. 272 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,759 We don't want to be moving back in with Mum. 273 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,760 Bringing a nice girl home. You know, getting all horny on the sofa 274 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:25,200 and then boom, massive bra on the radiator. 275 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,119 OK, if I'm going to have any sort of future in radio 276 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,639 I need this event on my CV. 277 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,639 What I don't need is a burned, dead student on my conscience. 278 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,319 All right. 279 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,959 Do it properly. 280 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,960 Yeah? OK, thank you. Right. 281 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,519 Ah! 282 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,999 Yes, this is a fine mooring. 283 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,999 Everything will be fine at this mooring. 284 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,719 Um, I thought we could...er, 285 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,639 maybe play a game. 286 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,679 Suppose you were throwing a dinner party and you're only allowed 287 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,680 to invite four aspects of drilling gas wells that a geologist must 288 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,720 consider once an exploratory well has uncovered a shale formation. 289 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,039 What four aspects would you invite? 290 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,079 You know, it's just fun to think about, isn't it? 291 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,080 Mm. You mean like trying to extract information from my brain? 292 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,079 You cannot frack me, JP. 293 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:37,359 I am unfrackable. 294 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,039 Fine. 295 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:43,040 Suit yourself. 296 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,080 DRILL 297 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,119 You? 298 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,799 Yes, Howard. I Bosched you. 299 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,039 DRILL Bosch. 300 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,040 And I will Bosch you again until you give me the knowledge. 301 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,720 You absolute copper-bottomed fucker! 302 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,519 Study now, bitch. 303 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,079 DRILL 304 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,679 Howard, 305 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,999 what are the four aspects of drilling a gas well that 306 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,000 a geologist must consider when he or she has uncovered a shale formation? 307 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,279 Tell me, Howard! 308 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,479 Give me the knowledge, Howard! 309 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,239 I want your knowledge! 310 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,119 I can't be fracked. I will not be fracked... 311 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,679 I'm warning you, I'll scuttle the fleet! 312 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,159 I'll drill a hole in the floor and sink us all! 313 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,879 Don't make me scuttle The Bluebell, Howard! 314 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,359 I'll do it! I will not be fracked! 315 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,279 You cannot frack me, JP. I cannot be fracked! 316 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,879 I will not be fracked! 317 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:49,880 Batten down the crockery! Untenable mooring. 318 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,920 SHE WHISTLES 319 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,760 Hey. It's Oregon. She's been rejected. 320 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,159 Hmm? The Fulbright. 321 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,639 You opened it?! 322 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,279 Look, maybe it's a good thing, you know, take the pressure off. 323 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,919 OK, my friend, he found out his dad had cancer 324 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,799 on the morning of his driving test. Boom, passed first time! 325 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,519 No! No way. 326 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:42,079 No, no, no. We can't tell her until after the exams. 327 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,959 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right. 328 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,799 But I really want to be there when we tell her, yeah? 329 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,800 You know, for support, and...shit. 330 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,680 KNOCK ON DOOR 331 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,759 Easy, Mole. How's things? 332 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,519 Right, I'm getting crewed up for the event. All right. 333 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,799 I just thought I'd drop round 334 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,839 and make sure you're not going to flake out on me. 335 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,799 Mole. Fuck's sake. Do I look like I'm going to flake out? 336 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,759 Hmm, hang on a minute. 337 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,119 Do I look like I'm going to flake out? 338 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,199 It's just with the cost up front. 339 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,759 And you know, I don't know you from a tin of beans. 340 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,559 OK. Listen. 341 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,679 You're not dealing with some dewy-eyed virgin 342 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,439 who's just rolled off the Megabus from Cat-Piss-on-Tweed. OK? 343 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,559 I am making so much honk I'm running out of places to hide it. 344 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:41,279 We're talking 60, 70 grand. 345 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,079 Right, so if I were you, I would get in touch with your wholesaler. 346 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:47,319 You know, whoever your like, Costco of cocaine is. 347 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,279 You know, I would order eight saucepans 348 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,119 of his finest Chuck Norris. 349 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,079 All right. 350 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,839 Good to know, that. 351 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,840 Laters, new potatoes. Ta-ra. 352 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,839 Well, I've only gone and done it. 353 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,759 I have fucked it off and rented a cottage. 354 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,759 You see, I figured what we needed was somewhere that had the ambience 355 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,279 and low ceilings of a barge, but on land. 356 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,879 A sort of land barge, or house, if you will. 357 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,079 The problem is not the barge, JP. 358 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,479 The problem is your mind. 359 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,279 But it's got a scullery, Howard. 360 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,280 Think of all the facts we'll learn in a scullery. 361 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,759 Howie... 362 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,519 ..can I talk to you about something? 363 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:46,520 It's just that...there's this thing that's confusing me 364 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,519 and I don't know who to turn to. 365 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:50,999 JP, 366 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,399 are you confiding in me? 367 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,479 I mean, I'm going to end up doing a job I don't want, 368 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,279 but meanwhile there IS something that I DO want. 369 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:03,280 But what if the thing that I want doesn't want me? 370 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,480 It's a confusing thing. The thing is confusing. 371 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,679 Not to stop you in your stride JP, but if you continue like this 372 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,919 I may have to go outside and hold my breath 373 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,159 until my body turns limp and then just let it slide into the water. 374 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,879 OK. Forget it. Thank you. That's the preferred option. 375 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,119 You've got it licked, haven't you, mate? 376 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,199 An amazing job all lined up. 377 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,279 No pressure, no expectations. 378 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,919 The unbridled joy of the blank page 379 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,719 stretching out eternally in front of you. 380 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,039 No structure, no timetable. 381 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,359 I'm not a blank page. 382 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,599 A lined page maybe. 383 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,519 God I envy your freedom, Howard. 384 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,359 Come on, mate. 385 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:50,360 Abandon barge. 386 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,439 Hey, Jose. Do you think we could have a quick chat? 387 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,440 I've just ejaculated. That's three times today. Yeah, three. 388 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,319 I've looked that up and apparently it's relatively high. 389 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,439 Um, Kingsley, 390 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,519 do you think that you should focus on studying, as opposed to, 391 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,159 say, looking up wanking statistics and eating Mini Eggs? 392 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:15,159 Hmm, I don't have time for that sort of mumbo jumbo, 393 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,559 what I need to know is if either of you two would like 394 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,199 to be my girlfriend until after my exams? 395 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,959 Josie? Mmm? 396 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,679 Er, I don't think so. 397 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,999 Vod? Sorry, Kingo. 398 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,839 Fine. Don't blame you. You're just having a freak out. 399 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,479 Oh! Palms are tingling. That's a new one. 400 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,159 Back for another vigorous session. Onwards and downwards. 401 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,439 DOORBELL Mm, someone's at the door. 402 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,239 BANGING ON DOOR 403 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,119 Ah, it might be for me. I ordered some ADHD meds. 404 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,199 Apparently they make all your leg hairs fall out 405 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,159 but you can revise for hours. 406 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,879 Two large shaven-headed males. 407 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,399 Maybe they work for the paramilitary wing of the Jehovah's Witnesses. 408 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,719 Open the door! HEAVY BANGING 409 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,999 Drop everything, get in the cellar. 410 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,999 BANGING CONTINUES 411 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,319 Move! 412 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,679 BANGING CONTINUES 413 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:09,399 Fuck! Fuck! 414 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,759 It's the fucking TV licence people! Shit! 415 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,479 I thought we paid?! 416 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,119 We haven't paid! Fuck, we're going to fucking prison! 417 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,679 Can I just say, for the record, I hardly watch it. 418 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,239 Oh, so you don't watch the Great British Sewing Bee? Twice! 419 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,239 Twice I watched it and it was fucking shit! 420 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,159 Guys. I'm trying to study. 421 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,919 What the fuck are you doing down here? Revising. 422 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,719 I think the real question is, what the fuck are you doing down here? 423 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,720 Can we just keep our voices down? Vod? Are you in there, mate? 424 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,719 How do they know your name?! 425 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,879 They know everything. Quickly, delete iPlayer from your phones. 426 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,399 Oh, Jesus. I'm going to prison for watching New Tricks. 427 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,199 Guys, I don't think the TV licence people kick your front door in. 428 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,519 Don't you see? They've gone rogue. 429 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,839 For the record, that isn't a television in my bedroom. 430 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,439 It's a TV monitor for playing video games. 431 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,039 What is going on? I don't know. 432 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,519 Maybe it's the guy come to pick up the big Next catalogue. 433 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,719 They already came and picked up the Next catalogue! 434 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,479 OK, we're not going anywhere until we get our 60 grand. 435 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,079 We'll start looking, eh? 436 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,679 THUD Oh, my God! 437 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,079 You'd better fucking tell us where it is 438 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,399 before we rip this place apart! 439 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,319 Um, guys. I think I might know what this is. 440 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,799 Promise not to shout? 441 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,599 Um, well, might of, 442 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,600 by accident, told the drug dealer who's doing security and drugs 443 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,760 for my event, that I've got 60 grand cash in the house. 444 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,999 What the fuck, Vod? So that's Mole? That's fucking Mole up there?! 445 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,879 That fucking bald psycho with the deceptively adorable nickname? 446 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,679 Yes. You got involved with the Manchester drug lords? 447 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,479 The lords of the drug lords? 448 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,559 Drug dealers? Vod, have you seen The Wire? 449 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,879 Because I haven't, but I can fucking imagine. 450 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,679 I'm starting to feel a mite jittery, 451 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,680 so I'm just going to lie flat on the cold, hard ground. 452 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,079 Yeah. 453 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,599 Look, it's just one of those things that happens, isn't it? 454 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,519 No, Vod. It isn't. 455 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,759 Washing your jeans with a tissue in the pocket, 456 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:11,039 or accidentally ordering a large jar of olives from the Ocado shop. 457 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,879 But getting raided by dealers the night before your fucking finals? 458 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,119 I'm calling the rozzers, 459 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,799 getting them to wazz round here and rozz up all the crimos. 460 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,799 Er, actually I'd prefer it if you didn't, mate. 461 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,639 He is a dealer and I am kind of up to my nips in this, so... 462 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,199 Am I up to my nips as well? 463 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:30,479 Am I nipple-deep by association? 464 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,879 There's no signal. 465 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,599 OK, Vod. You are going up there and you are giving them the money. 466 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,679 Actually, I can't. It is 60 grand. 467 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:39,239 Look, I know it's a wrench. 468 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,079 I remember when I had to take out 75K from my trusties 469 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,519 as an endowment on this place. 470 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,039 I nearly had a fucking nosebleed in Bradford and Bingley. 471 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,359 What about the grad ball, huh? 472 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:52,079 No cash means no Lake of Fire. 473 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,080 All those disappointed punters. I mean... Where the fuck is it? 474 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,159 We give them a bit of it. 475 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,879 Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you, Jose. I don't think Mole's 476 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,639 the kind of gentleman that'll come here, 477 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,959 help himself to a grand and leave without the other 59. 478 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,079 We can't stay here! We've got our finals in the morning! 479 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,159 It'll only be a couple of hours. 480 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,199 In my experience, 481 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,719 nine times out of ten these things just blow over. 482 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,479 THUD Vod, listen, girl! I'm not fucking around! 483 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,479 Right, that's from the Office of National Statistics, is it? 484 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,599 Mole, mate! Are you a fan of Expressionism? 485 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,639 Because in my dresser, second drawer down, you will find a sketch 486 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:30,640 by a certain Lucian Freud. 487 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,999 Mole? Tell you what, if we make it out of this alive... 488 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,399 If?! 489 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,559 I said when. 490 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,039 Hundred quid each? 491 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,239 Oh, great. That'll make up for the loss of earnings 492 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,679 when we all fail our finals. 493 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,799 I can use it to buy a big velvet dunce cap. Vod, give them the money. 494 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,239 Yeah, Vod, stop fucking around. 495 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,239 Will everyone just shut the fuck up about it for a minute, OK? 496 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,399 I am not giving them my money. 497 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,559 You know, he's probably up there stealing all our stuff. 498 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,799 He's probably going to take my fucking 12-string. 499 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:06,200 Right, we're not leaving till we've found it! 500 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,479 He's watching TV. 501 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:14,799 What's he watching? 502 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,559 Something mellow? 503 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,119 What time's Mr Selfridge on? 504 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,039 Maybe we could encourage him to watch that. 505 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,359 Vod, if you don't give him his money soon, I am going to fail my finals. 506 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,599 Well, I've eaten a whole bag of dried cranberries 507 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,199 and I'm going to need to... 508 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,759 shit them out pretty soon. 509 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,079 Come on. It's exciting. 510 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,839 It's like that film with Ben Stiller and the dinosaur. 511 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,919 No, Vod, It's nothing like Night at the fucking Museum. 512 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,679 It's like Night at the Museum. 513 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,959 Ah, remember this? 514 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,479 Hello, old friend! 515 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,119 God, that really puts the last three years into perspective. 516 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:46,959 Back then, he was just a light entertainer 517 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:50,039 and now, he's a genuinely heavyweight polemicist. 518 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,399 Like, relative to what? 519 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,839 My libido. 520 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,999 SHE SIGHS Seriously, Kingsley. 521 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,399 I'm just asking. 522 00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,919 Relative to what? 523 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,839 A chimp scraping his dick against a mango tree? 524 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,799 I don't know. Relative to... 525 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,759 normal. So, it's subnormal? 526 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,359 Can I claim benefits? Can I get a special badge for my car? 527 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,679 My libido's disabled. 528 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:12,239 Your libido is not disabled. 529 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,959 Can you just be my girlfriend for the next nine and a half hours? 530 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,759 "Pity the poor eunuch." 531 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,159 Kingsley, I'm not going to be your inflatable ripcord girlfriend. 532 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,639 "In case of emergency, insert penis here." 533 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,319 Mole, mate, me again! 534 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,599 If you give me your sort code, account number 535 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,399 and a copy of your passport, 536 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,479 I will gladly transfer over to you 537 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,439 a sizeable portion of my premium bonds. 538 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,479 Right, Vod, give them the money, I need a poo. 539 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,399 Howard, have you got a bucket? 540 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,919 Of course I've got a bucket. 541 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:44,479 I can't vouch for its provenance though. 542 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:45,919 I'm not shitting in a bucket! 543 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,359 "Advanced Physics?!" 544 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:51,360 Oh, yeah. It's funny you mention that, actually, 545 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,479 because I am dropping out of my geology degree 546 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,199 and applying to study physics, commencing September! 547 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,799 Howard, are you doing it again? 548 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,359 Absolutely not, that's a ludicrous slur! 549 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,199 I'm just saying that, every three years, 550 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,999 you do tend to go a bit Coco Pops the night before your finals. 551 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,639 Thank you for your psychoanalysis, Miss Carl Jung! 552 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,959 Do you have the fear? 553 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:14,319 The fear of what? 554 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,639 Moving to London and having your pants pulled down in Regent's Park. 555 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:18,799 That's ridiculous! 556 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,639 Howard, you can't drop out now. 557 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,639 You're being a dick. Right, you lot? 558 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:23,919 Right. 559 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,319 I don't know. 560 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,959 Do you know, I'm just saying that... 561 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,319 three more years at Medlock 562 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:32,599 does have a ring to it. 563 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,399 God, you're just trying to clip his wings 564 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,399 cos you're scared of getting left on your own. 565 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:37,959 Oh, that is low, Kingsley. 566 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,559 That is relatively low. 567 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:40,999 Oh, fuck off, Josie. 568 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,159 Hey, mate. 569 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,439 Easy on Jose, OK? 570 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,599 What's it matter to you? 571 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:50,600 Nothing. 572 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,119 Oh, my god, you're fucking. 573 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:56,879 Look, Kingo, don't freak out. 574 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,359 Don't freak out?! 575 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,119 Oh, yeah. OK, fine - 576 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:04,120 because whenever anyone says that, it's ALWAYS good news(!) 577 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,599 We were just shagging, that's all. 578 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:08,999 "That's all?!" Well, that is all! 579 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:10,239 That is all there is! 580 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,719 I wouldn't even call it shagging. 581 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:12,879 It was more like... 582 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,599 bonking. Yeah, bonking! 583 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,199 You can't go mad about bonking. 584 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:17,719 It's fun, it's smutty, 585 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,679 it's Sid James and Babs Windsor! 586 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,919 So THAT'S why you were entering his bedroom at 3.20 every morning. Ah! 587 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,359 Howard. Amazing! Even Howard knew! 588 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:29,439 I mean, he doesn't understand it but he's got the raw fucking data! 589 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:31,199 Did everyone know? 590 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:32,439 Sorry, mate. 591 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,999 Jose told us right before she cold-cocked me in the truth tent. 592 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,959 Also, I feel like I knew before I knew, if you know what I mean? 593 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,559 Like, I kind of tend to assume that she's either riding you 594 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,279 or you at any given moment. 595 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:47,239 Does anyone else want to emotionally violate me the day before my finals? 596 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:48,639 I mean, really! 597 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,640 Does anyone else want to take a shit in my mouth? 598 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,999 Now, why can't I see my hands? 599 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:00,959 My palms are swirly. I can't... 600 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,319 I can't see my hands. 601 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,119 I'm fucking blind. 602 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:08,119 Just don't be a drama queen. 603 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,719 That, Kingsley, is an ocular migraine brought on by stress. 604 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:15,399 I had one when they switched off Teletext. 605 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:16,719 Well... 606 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,199 So, I'm blind! 607 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,399 Thank you, Josie. Thank you for making me go blind! 608 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,159 What about JP? He gets half the blame! He gets one eye! 609 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,879 Aw, ow! Tummy cramps! 610 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,839 Ah, great, so that's my stool cycle interrupted before my exams. 611 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,159 Cheers, Vod! Kingsley, It was nothing. 612 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,119 It was a one-off. 613 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:34,839 Well, a series of one-offs. 614 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,079 That have come to an end. 615 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,199 Very recently. 616 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:38,759 Very finally. 617 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:39,879 I mean... 618 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,319 seven days clean. 619 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:42,439 You know, it's funny, 620 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,039 I don't remember you moaning that much when we were doing it. 621 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:47,119 Oh, sorry, my mistake - yes, I do. 622 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,199 HE MOANS 623 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:51,879 Shut up, JP. Yeah, shut up! 624 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,399 Because that's just the way you like me, isn't it, Jose? 625 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:57,519 Silent, compliant JP! 626 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,239 The big, disgusting dildo. 627 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,079 Well, how's that? 628 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,919 MUFFLED: Is that better for you? Huh? 629 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,239 Now if he's making this about him, it's not about him. 630 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:07,679 It's not about you, JP! 631 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,879 You know what? I like you. 632 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,359 There, I like you, deal with that... 633 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,159 No, you fucking don't. 634 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,799 ..but it doesn't matter... 635 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,399 because Tomothy has got me a job in London 636 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:20,799 and I'm going to move there, 637 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,599 so you're never going to have to see me again. 638 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:25,759 You're going to work for Tomothy? 639 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,559 Yes, he's offered me a badly-paid position 640 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,239 doing something that I will hate 641 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,759 and I have accepted. I knew it. 642 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,759 I knew you were going to end up like one of them. 643 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,359 I mean, you held out for, like, 20 minutes but I knew it. 644 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,159 They're going to ride me, Josie. 645 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,839 Do you understand? 646 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,079 They're going to ride me round and round that office 647 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,919 like one of those novelty mini motorbikes. 648 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:46,639 Then why are you doing it?! 649 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:48,759 Because... 650 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:50,439 What other choice do I have? 651 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,919 Oh, my god! 652 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,839 You want to play the pity game? 653 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,639 Yeah? Where's my hand? 654 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,159 I'm blind, I don't have a girlfriend, 655 00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,559 I don't have any books, 656 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:01,079 I've got my finals tomorrow, 657 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:02,879 I've got a RELATIVELY low libido. 658 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,239 In fact, while I'm at it, 659 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:07,719 some more squat thrusts, I think! 660 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,719 Which, of course, only exacerbate my migraine. 661 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:12,799 God, I love my life(!) 662 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,079 Oh, stop fucking whining, Kingsley. 663 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,679 You're such a little bitch. 664 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,999 I have cause to moan, Josie. 665 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,479 You can either sit around feeling sorry for yourself 666 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:23,599 or you can get up and do some revision. 667 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:24,919 How?! 668 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,879 I don't have any books and I'm blind! 669 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,199 Do you think that stopped Stevie Wonder, Kingsley? 670 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:34,119 He did not go blind the night before his geology finals! 671 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,879 Right, I'm going to get you through this... 672 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,880 because I consider myself to be... 673 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,679 ..a kind of mother hen to you all. 674 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,159 Don't, because you will make me cry. 675 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,159 Oh, shut up, Josie. 676 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,039 Sorry, but this isn't about you. 677 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,879 You're always sticking your beak in like a big Welsh heron. 678 00:32:56,880 --> 00:33:00,880 Just... SHE SQUAWKS 679 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:02,639 Well, that's nice, isn't it? 680 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:04,159 God! 681 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:08,160 Don't you have your own life to sort out? 682 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,399 I was just trying to help, actually, 683 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,479 because I'm going to be stuck here, next year, on my own 684 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:17,319 and I was just trying to be a good friend 685 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,999 because I wanted to help you all out, cos I'm such a good friend. 686 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,879 I'm such a good friend that I have to tell you, actually, Oregon, 687 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,479 that you're NOT getting your Fulbright. 688 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,119 Because I'm a really good friend, and you just have to face up 689 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:32,120 to reality because I'm a really, really, really good friend. 690 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:40,479 You opened it? 691 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,199 I think I might open a window. 692 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,959 I might just hide behind this box. 693 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:46,039 I'm a really, really good friend. 694 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:49,319 Basically, I'm a really, really good friend. 695 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:53,320 SHE SOBS 696 00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:12,760 TV BLARES 697 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:14,759 He's watching Ross Kemp, 698 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,239 so that's going to get him all riled. 699 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:18,839 Give them the money, Vod. 700 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:20,639 Yeah, Vod. Give them the money. 701 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:23,519 He's getting tired up there, I can sense it. 702 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,519 All that ransacking, it does you in. 703 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,159 I'm back to one eye. 704 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:32,239 I'm basically going into my finals as a cyclops. 705 00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:34,919 God, I'm going to end up moving back home, aren't I? 706 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,719 Me, living with my mum, 707 00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,959 washing her massive, beige bras. 708 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:42,559 Howard, I was being stupid. 709 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,599 You can't start again 710 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,799 and you can't stay at university forever. 711 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:48,519 Ultimately, that remains to be seen. 712 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:50,159 Do you know what, Howard? 713 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:51,719 You're not even that weird. 714 00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:53,319 Not any more. 715 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,479 I mean, you are still a little bit weird. 716 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,639 I did see you eating that moth about three months ago. 717 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,559 Yeah, I mean, when I first met you, 718 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:05,399 I used to dread spending three seconds with you - 719 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,679 but now I could go, I don't know, 720 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,799 up to 50 minutes in your company 721 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,359 before I need just a little break. 722 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,639 But what if I flounder? 723 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,639 What if I forget to swipe my Oyster card 724 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,559 and Transport For London chooses to make an example of me? 725 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,039 What if I get mugged every day by the same guy 726 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:23,479 who can't stop mugging me 727 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:25,599 because I'm insanely muggable? 728 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,279 Howard... 729 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,959 you're ready. 730 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,839 THUMPING 731 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,359 Right, Vod. Time's up, girl. 732 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,479 Give us the money or we're smashing the guitar. 733 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:37,679 What guitar? 734 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:39,039 Which guitar? 735 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,719 Come on, Mole. 736 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:43,239 Don't be such a prick. 737 00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:44,599 Don't agitate him, 738 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:46,039 he's all hopped-up on Ross Kemp! 739 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,759 Is it the Tanglewood or the Yamaha? MUFFLED YELLING 740 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,159 Could you just look at the headstock and read it out to me? 741 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,439 Enough's enough, Vod. Just give them the money. 742 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:57,399 I cannot stress highly enough how much I need a poo. 743 00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:59,159 It is 60 grand! 744 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:01,599 'Vod, listen, girl, I'm not fucking about!' 745 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:02,999 You're not going to do this? 746 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,559 Look me in the eye - this eye - 747 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,519 and tell me you're going to do this? 748 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,839 Vod, just forget about the fucking grad ball. Who cares? 749 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,279 Look, this isn't about the ball, all right? 750 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,839 I need this money cos... 751 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,719 ..it's my finals tomorrow 752 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,319 and I'm about to fuck them up. 753 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:20,599 No, you're not. 754 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:23,639 No, I need a fall-back option. 755 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:25,919 I don't have a miracle, not me. 756 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:27,839 I've got no-one. You've got us. 757 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:29,919 No, this is real money. 758 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,679 I could do something with this. 759 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,119 'I'm cutting the guitar strings, Vod.' 760 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:35,999 STRING SNAPS 761 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,239 No, that's it, gone again. 762 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:42,039 I mean, when am I ever going to get 60 grand again in my life? 763 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,439 Vod, please don't screw up our finals for us. 764 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,239 STRING SNAPS Ah. 765 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:49,679 'Right, last chance, Vod, or I'm smashing the shit out of it!' 766 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,359 'Three...' STRING SNAPS 767 00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:53,119 Ahh. '..two...' Do something, Vod. 768 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:56,399 He's about to have a fucking stroke! 769 00:36:56,400 --> 00:37:00,039 'Vod, I'm not fucking messing, love! 770 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:04,040 'Where the fuck is it?! 771 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:09,040 'Vod?!' All right, I'm coming! 772 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,279 Just take it, you dirty monster. 773 00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:17,280 'Nice one. Sorry for bothering you.' 774 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:24,040 TV BLARES 775 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,919 Thanks, Vod. 776 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:28,959 No worries. 777 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:32,960 You would've done the same for me. 778 00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:37,759 OK, so, I've got a geology exam I should probably cram for. 779 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:41,760 OK, I think I'm going to just... Yeah. 780 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,599 I'm sure you're aware but... 781 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:50,600 everyone got quite nutty down in the cellar. 782 00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,039 You don't REALLY like me, do you? 783 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,039 No, I definitely don't like you. 784 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:57,439 Good... 785 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,879 because I DEFINITELY don't like you. 786 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,559 Well, that's... 787 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:07,560 ..worked out pretty tooting perfectly. 788 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,199 Did he take my guitar? 789 00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:17,200 Where's my guitar? 790 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:18,799 SMASH 791 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,719 Ah, fuck! 792 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:23,639 Oh! 793 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:27,640 I've stepped on my fucking guitar! 794 00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:35,240 MUSIC: Insieme A Te Non Ci Sto Piu by Caterina Caselli 795 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:09,999 Subtitles by Ericsson 796 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,020