1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,199 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,999 ANGELIC MUSIC Aw, I love apologetic Vod! 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,079 Don't get used to it, darling! 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:14,080 Right, let us smoke the pipe of peace. 5 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,239 Ta-da! 6 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:21,240 Welcome to mega-bong! 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:23,679 Ready? 8 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,879 You do know what day it is? 9 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,159 The day our results go up? 10 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,319 MUSIC STOPS 11 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,599 The clock has just struck reality! 12 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,599 Bong! 13 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,679 Bong! 14 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,680 Bong! 15 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,479 30 seconds to go. 16 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,599 Who's nervous? KINGSLEY SIGHS 17 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,679 You're nervous. Oh... 18 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,399 You're nervous. 19 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,399 You're always nervous. I'm cool with it. 20 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,679 I'm just gonna say I got a 2.1 whatever happens. 21 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:24,159 Go easy on the drama. Not everyone here's gonna get a good grade. 22 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,879 I won't say who. 23 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,319 WHISPERS: Vod and JP! 24 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,719 Got it. 25 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,720 Guys, your future has been decided. You've been branded for life. Go! 26 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:38,479 2 and another 2? 27 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:39,999 I don't understand. 28 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,599 Get in! I've only gone and got a bloody 2.1! 29 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,559 No, you have not! Well, no. I've got a third. 30 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,159 But it'll say 2.1 on my CV. 31 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,919 2.2 - maybe that's a typo. 32 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,719 Should it maybe say 2.1, or maybe just 1? 33 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,359 2.1. 34 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,279 The blindo played a blinder! 35 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,279 Howard? 36 00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,319 A first. 37 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,159 Fucking right! All right. 38 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:06,160 Success does not sit easy on me. I've a dread of foreboding. 39 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,279 Like Icarus soaring towards the sun. 2.2? What does that even mean? 40 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,559 That doesn't even mean anything! Vod? 41 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,879 I've only gone and a got a 2.1! 42 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,759 OK! Good one! 43 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,759 No, I mean, I'd be really happy for you, 44 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:24,599 but you're joking, right? I'm not joking! 45 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,239 Oh, my God! 46 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,559 I'm so happy for you. 47 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,999 But how? How could you possibly have got a 2.1? 48 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,399 Read some books, had some opinions. It's English, it's not hard! 49 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,279 Apparently, it can be. 50 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,919 Brilliant, Vod! No, brilliant! Um, just don't get too up. 51 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,359 I'm not. No, because, as a friend, 52 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,999 um, I should probably tell you that you might not have a 2.1. 53 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,719 You might have my 2.1 and I might have your 2.2. 54 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,039 Well, you know what rhymes with 2.2 - fuck you! 55 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,559 Maybe the website was hacked! Or the moderator was drunk! Or... 56 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,359 Oh, shit! I've got a 2.2, haven't I? 57 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:59,360 I fucking love university! Let's all do masters! 58 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,759 We just called to see how you are. Is everything OK? 59 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,359 Yeah, great. 60 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,399 Everything's great, actually great. 61 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,759 I'm having a great day. Great. 62 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,199 She's having a great day! Great! 63 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,039 OK! Great catching up! Melissa... 64 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,839 What did you get? 65 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,919 I mean, it's...just a piece of paper. 66 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,920 LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Is that champagne? 67 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:33,040 There's something you should know. 68 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,679 I...got a first! 69 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,119 THEY LAUGH AND SQUEAL Oh, wonderful! 70 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,319 Look, Mum and Dad, I don't want you to get too carried away... CORK POPS 71 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,199 Oh, er, champagne. LAUGHTER CONTINUES 72 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,919 Ooh! Ooh, it's fantastic! 73 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,799 Great! I'm so proud of you! 74 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,800 Mm-hm! Thanks, Mum. 75 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,279 God, that is just... 76 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,839 so nice. 77 00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,879 MUSIC PLAYS 78 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,879 Cheers-ears! ALL: Cheers 79 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,759 Goodbye, best years of my life. 80 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,999 I'll think of you when I'm having a lonely wank in front of Game Of Thrones 81 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,479 and setting my alarm for 7am. 82 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:14,480 Unless you, er, pursue your art? Pictures of cocks aren't art! 83 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,399 Unless you're Gilbert & George. 84 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,039 Seriously! Can you believe I got a 2.1? 85 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,599 I just can't get used to saying "2.1"! 86 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,600 Oh... Anyway, now that I've got my 2.1, I mean, it's obvious, 87 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,319 I'm an academic. 88 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,079 So I thought I might do something amazing like... 89 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,199 cure cancer. You're not gonna cure cancer. 90 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:38,079 Haters gonna hate! Don't come running to me when you've got cancer. 91 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,519 I won't. Well, you won't be able to if you've got cancer of the legs. 92 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,159 Bants! Aw, I'm gonna miss you guys. 93 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,999 What about you, Kings? You don't have anything lined up, do you? 94 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,559 Actually, I've just got an interview for a position at an internet radio station. 95 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,199 Oh! That's so brilliant! Well done! 96 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,519 I mean, it's only for trainee broadcast assistant researcher, but, you know, 97 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,039 I'm gonna work on some shout-outs anyway, cos I figure, like, 98 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:03,039 I dunno, three months in the mailroom, they'll probably put me on one of the late-night slots. 99 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,639 Two till six, maybe? Maybe 10 till 12, 100 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:08,359 if they like my eclectic blend of music and chat, which I think they will. 101 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,439 VOD: Mmm. 102 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,679 Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself anyway? 103 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,239 I'm the one who's gonna be here next year, all by myself, 104 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,199 and I don't even have anyone to live with. 105 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,079 Maybe we should all move to London, together? 106 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,919 MURMURS OF AGREEMENT 107 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,079 Yeah. Yeah, I guess we could, yeah. 108 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,799 When are you releasing the location? Oh, yeah, soon! 109 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,199 It's old school. You'll get the call. 110 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,439 GIRLS LAUGH 111 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:33,440 Everyone's really looking forward to Vodstock. What are we gonna do? 112 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:35,959 Why are you all looking at me? 113 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,279 We're looking at you because you're Vod, the organiser of Vodstock. 114 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,039 You are literally the face of this event. 115 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,599 Remember? And, thanks to you, 1,000 students are now expecting us 116 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,279 to stage a festival that is, and I quote, 117 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,280 "Burning Man meets Cirque du Soleil meets Countryfile meets hajj." 118 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,239 Yeah, well, it was Kingsley's idea and you lot sold most of the tickets. 119 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,919 But you're cancelling it and now we're getting the blame! 120 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,559 I got robbed of the ticket money! 121 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,559 Yeah, robbed by the drug dealers you hired as security, ironically. 122 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,999 Correct! You don't even feel a bit responsible? 123 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,359 What for? The Muggles? The Mooks? 124 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,119 The customers! 125 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,439 All right! I've got an idea. 126 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,279 We erect a series of signs directing everyone 127 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,999 away from the field into another field, then another 128 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,079 and eventually over a cliff. 129 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,719 You mean, like in a Road Runner cartoon? 130 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,720 JP: We are so fucked! 131 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,919 What are you doing? I'm desperate! 132 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,359 So I'm applying for a PGCE. Dad! Dad? 133 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,879 SHE GASPS 134 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,559 Yeah! I only got a fucking 2.1! 135 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:49,799 DAD: 'Yes!' 136 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,439 CHEERING OVER TELEPHONE 137 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,679 Er, yeah. A few ideas. 138 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,639 Cure cancer, um... 139 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,199 be a teacher. 140 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,519 What?! 141 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,279 But a cool one. 142 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,519 Er...she got a 2.2. 143 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,119 Sorry, he asked. 144 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,559 Yeah! 145 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,719 So... So, you're, er, 146 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,720 probably too busy doing RAF shit to come to graduation, but... 147 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,479 Oh, fucking brilliant! 148 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,999 I mean, cool! Yeah, cool! 149 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,639 All right, well, see ya later, aviator! 150 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,999 All right, all right, right, right. 151 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,479 He likes the teaching idea. 152 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,480 I mean, the irony is, I don't even need a 2.1 to do that. 153 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:38,959 Maybe you should have it. 154 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,719 Can I transfer it? 155 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,279 Or are they non-transferable, like train tickets? 156 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,639 Can you believe this? 157 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,959 Josie! Mm? 158 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,719 Oh, sorry, I...stopped listening. 159 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,720 You've got my mark. You've got my degree. And now you want to steal my career! 160 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,439 Oh, there's room for more than one teacher! 161 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,479 Like, my school - there were at least ten! 162 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,799 No. 163 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,800 VOD SIGHS 164 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,199 Hm. Why did I bring so many bongos? 165 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,239 KNOCK ON DOOR 166 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,399 Hey. 167 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:20,400 I was just packing and I found these plasters. Memories, eh? 168 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,559 We will still see each other? 169 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,559 After uni? Yeah. I mean... 170 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,079 I might have the odd weekend off. OK, good! 171 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,879 Because did you know that the halfway point 172 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,759 between London and Manchester is Coventry? 173 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,279 Now, I haven't been there, but it's probably amazing. 174 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,999 So I thought, if we could find somewhere to meet up - 175 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,399 a little Coventry cottage with an open fire - 176 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,319 if we wanted to, you know, we could...do what we do best. 177 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,359 Yeah. I mean, we... we wouldn't be going out, 178 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,360 but, er, we'd sort of be... seeing each other. 179 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,839 Sure, er, yeah, but I...I'm super easy. 180 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,840 Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs! 181 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,959 Running up the flagpole, see who salutes? Exactly. 182 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,399 Try it on for size, see where it ventures! 183 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:16,079 Yeah, that...that sounds good. Great. 184 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,199 SHE SIGHS 185 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,679 Ah, isn't this just great? 186 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:22,680 You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper. 187 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,439 Yeah. I've got some packing to do. 188 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,440 HE MUTTERS 189 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,279 So perhaps I could finish by saying what a lifelong dream it's been... 190 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,479 KINGSLEY CONTINUES INSIDE 191 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,319 Hey! 192 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,759 You look wired. 193 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,760 The attack dogs of midnight roiled with a cloying intensity. 194 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:50,159 I stayed up all night applying for 195 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,839 every creative writing MA in Britain! 196 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,439 It was while I was packing 197 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,440 my vast and eclectic collection of paperbacks that I realised... 198 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,919 I'm a novelist! Right. 199 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,919 TOILET FLUSHES Or just...someone who reads. 200 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,159 Hey! 201 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,159 So, how was it? 202 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,160 Um, I was quite nervous, so, in a way, it was good to do it in the toilet. 203 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,280 Eugh! 204 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,199 JP: Oh! 205 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,039 I love this! 206 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,999 It's so comfortable! 207 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,719 Like a poncho for intellectuals. 208 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,959 Or a gentleman's burqa. 209 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,039 I feel like Zorro, or a Mason. LAUGHS TO HIMSELF 210 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,759 You do realise that we're gonna have 211 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,359 to see everyone that we sold tickets to at graduation? 212 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,199 All right, I've got a plan! 213 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,599 - We do a runner. - Works for me. 214 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,039 This is so unrestrictive. It would be great for running. 215 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,799 No! Like a getaway gown! 216 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,239 It is time to grow up! We have to release the details! 217 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,079 We'll say, "Bring your headphones," 218 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,279 and then, I don't know, when people get to the field, I stream my - 219 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,399 to be fair - incredible Vodstock playlist. 220 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,919 Best silent disco ever - my amazing playlist saves the day. 221 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,399 Kingsley's right. About the playlist? 222 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,199 No! We need to confront this like adults. 223 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,079 Ooh, I know. We could sing a song from The Sound Of Music 224 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,519 and have a mental breakdown. 225 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,799 That's an option. 226 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,800 So, I have found the London house, as per our group agreement. 227 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,439 Did we agree? 228 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,319 You assented by making positive faces and noises. 229 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,320 Thus I have, er, found ourselves a house to share 230 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,400 in the lovely-sounding Colliers Wood. Here. 231 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,959 Hmm. 232 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,279 "Victorian period property. Easily maintained gardens." 233 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,879 Sounds great. I'll be back in a minute. 234 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,479 We're obviously not going to live with him, are we? 235 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,799 God, no, I wouldn't be seen dead in Colliers Wood! It's in Zone 3! 236 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:50,999 We should tell him now. 237 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:55,000 You know, I was so scared about moving to London, 238 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,639 the only way I can imagine doing it is with you guys, 239 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,640 so, here's the lease for House Share 2: Share Harder! 240 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,199 Yes! Fucking yes, I got it! I fucking got it! 241 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,279 You're listening to Kingsley's Overexcited FM! Yeah! 242 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,679 That's my station ident. Yeah, I think I'll stick to Radio 2. 243 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,239 What's the, er, starting salary? Um... 244 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,959 GIRL: Kingsley! 245 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,039 It's gonna be awesome! Yeah, you know it! 246 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,919 Can't wait! 247 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,519 I think I'm gonna be sick! 248 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:32,039 Oh, my God! The attack dogs at midnight are back 249 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,319 and they have torn academic precedents to shreds! 250 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,199 I can't believe I've got an answer so quickly. 251 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,399 Novel writing, here in Mancunia! 252 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,279 I'm, like, the first person to ever get on an MA with a 2.2! 253 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,519 They must've really loved my sample. 254 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,719 Where is my dad? Pfft! I need to keep him away from my mum 255 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,439 in case she gets all glug-glug, shouty-shouty, punchy-fucky! 256 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,639 Here comes my mum. 257 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,399 Carrying her sick dog for maximum emotional manipulation. 258 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,839 OK, right, guys - group huddle. 259 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,479 Can everyone please remember to call me Melissa in front of my mum? 260 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,799 Also, please can everyone pretend that I'm still the president of the union, 261 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,239 and that I got a first, and also, don't mention 262 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,079 the fact I had an affair with Tony Shales and his son. 263 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,639 Not affair, relationship. 264 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,959 And also, can please nobody mention that I snapped a man's banjo string 265 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,519 whilst making love to him on a table, 266 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,239 which resulted in him being deported? 267 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:25,240 Yeah, I think I might just ignore your mum altogether. Seems like the safest option. 268 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,879 OK. There she is! My daughter, Melissa! 269 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,599 President of the student union with her first-class degree! 270 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,159 With a place on an MA in novel writing right here in Manchester! 271 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,959 EXCITED LAUGHTER 272 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,519 Isn't she incredible?! 273 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,519 Jeeps! Mate! 274 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,719 You fucking did it! 275 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,279 I mean, yeah, OK, Manchester's not exactly Durham or Exeter, 276 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,999 or Bristol, or St Andrew's, or Imperial, 277 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,559 or even, like, Newcastle or UCR, but still, I... 278 00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,560 I'm amazed you graduated. So, er... So thank fuck for that! 279 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,839 I mean, it might've been tricky holding the job open for you otherwise. 280 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:07,840 Yeah, um, do you think it would be all right if we waited a year until I started? 281 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,880 You know, like a suspended... I don't wanna say sentence, 282 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,480 but maybe I could take another year off, just get my head together? 283 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,759 No! I'm sending you straight into the City to milk the money titty! 284 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,279 You're gonna be young, dumb and worth a lump sum. 285 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,799 Champagne for my real friends? 286 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,800 BOTH: And real pain for my sham friends! 287 00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:37,059 Look, Mum! Mum, don't! Give him a kiss. 288 00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:39,659 Mum, no! It's disgusting. No kissing. 289 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:41,659 No Dad? 290 00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:45,099 Or Mum? Yeah? 291 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,659 Relaxing without 'em. Ideal. 292 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:51,660 WOMAN: English Literature. 293 00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:54,579 Well, go on - up you go! 294 00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,299 Mum, there's something I need to tell you. 295 00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:00,300 Melissa, I've waited 20 years for this. 296 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,179 Melissa Shawcross. 297 00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:04,899 SOME APPLAUSE 298 00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:07,019 BOOING 299 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:10,819 What's going on? Why's she being booed? 300 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:11,859 BOOING CONTINUES 301 00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,299 I dunno. Student humour? 302 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:18,300 Oh! I love that! That's so zany! 303 00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:20,819 Boo! 304 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,899 BOOING GETS LOUDER 305 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,019 MAN: Get off! Sorry about the booing. 306 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:27,019 I've got a little something for you that might cheer you up. 307 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:28,579 Golden scroll. 308 00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,219 Golden girl. 309 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,259 I made it myself. Tony, that's very weird. 310 00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:37,260 Oh, my God, she's asked for a golden scroll! 311 00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:44,180 MUSIC: School's Out by Alice Cooper 312 00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:50,300 # Well, we got no choice 313 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:54,339 # All the girls and boys 314 00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:57,059 # Makin' all that noise 315 00:15:57,060 --> 00:16:00,859 # Cos they found new toys 316 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:04,860 # Well, we can't salute ya Can't find a flag 317 00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:08,699 # If that don't suit ya, that's a drag 318 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:12,700 # School's out for summer! 319 00:16:15,940 --> 00:16:17,459 ♪ School's out for ever... ♪ 320 00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:21,460 DOG BARKS 321 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:26,900 ♪ ..School's been blown to pieces... ♪ 322 00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:31,340 ...admirable replacement - please welcome the new president of the student union, 323 00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:35,659 Natasha Clarke. 324 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:39,059 I don't understand - the new president? 325 00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:43,060 My theme today is how should we behave as adults in the real world? 326 00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:48,859 As you know, our previous president - Melissa Shawcross - 327 00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:52,860 was impeached and ousted for gross misconduct, so... 328 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,299 not like her. 329 00:16:56,300 --> 00:17:00,300 LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND BOOING 330 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:05,300 So, I didn't get offered a Fulbright and I'm not the president. 331 00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:09,820 I was ousted due to gross mismanagement and corruption. 332 00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:14,540 Also, I had an affair with my tutor, Professor Shales. 333 00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:17,579 Oh, my God! Melissa! And his son, Dylan. 334 00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:20,539 Also, I didn't get a first. 335 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:24,259 You got a 2.1? 336 00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,419 A 2.2. 337 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:29,419 Oh...God! I'm so humiliated! 338 00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,619 Melissa, you're such a disappointment! 339 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:32,739 No, she isn't, love! 340 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,179 She's the best president we ever had! 341 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:39,180 But while she was thinking big about poetry and education and chips, 342 00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:44,899 all these fuckheads wanted to think about 343 00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:48,900 was rugby and badminton and careers and degrees! 344 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:52,899 I mean, yeah, she got rejected, 345 00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:56,579 but so did Jesus, and JK Rowling. 346 00:17:56,580 --> 00:18:00,580 And, if it wasn't for Oregon, I wouldn't even have a degree. 347 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,379 She let me copy her coursework. 348 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:08,380 She...inspired me to think about books. 349 00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,739 Even the ones written by wankers to fake you out. 350 00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:15,299 Thank you, Vod. 351 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:19,300 And she did not mean to snap that guy's dong. That was an accident. 352 00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,339 I hadn't actually mentioned that. 353 00:18:22,340 --> 00:18:25,139 Who the hell is Oregon? 354 00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:29,140 I'm Oregon and I'm going to stay here and I'm going to learn to be a writer. 355 00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:33,779 I got on the MA Creative Writing course, even though I only got a 2.2! 356 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,099 No-one's ever done that before! 357 00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:38,619 And it's all down to how good a writer I am! 358 00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:42,059 I'm going to be one of this country's greatest novelists, 359 00:18:42,060 --> 00:18:44,219 if their reaction to my sample is anything to go by! 360 00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:47,019 Oregon... Um? 361 00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:50,099 Glad I could help with the MA, by the way. 362 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,219 I quietly binned Attack Dogs Of Midnight 363 00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:54,539 for a little something from my own humble quill, 364 00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:58,540 and in you slid, past the adjudicators and straight onto my little course. 365 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,459 What?! 366 00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:05,019 Tony Shales, I don't think we've had the... 367 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,139 VOD GASPS 368 00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:12,140 MUSIC: You and I by Wilco 369 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:17,620 # You and I 370 00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:21,900 # We might be strangers 371 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,699 ♪ However close we get sometimes... ♪ 372 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:25,819 DOG GROWLS 373 00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:29,099 # ..It's like we never met 374 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:33,100 # But you and I 375 00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:37,620 # I think we can take it 376 00:19:38,180 --> 00:19:40,539 # All the good with the bad 377 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:44,540 # Make something that no-one else has, but... 378 00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:47,099 ♪ You and I... ♪ 379 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,739 Hi, yeah, um... CLEARS THROAT 380 00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:51,579 ..I just wanted to check something, actually, about the, um, 381 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:55,139 the trainee broadcast assistant researcher job. 382 00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:58,579 Um, just a tiny, tiny detail, really, but, um... 383 00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:02,459 as regarding the actual physical salary, um... 384 00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:06,460 I don't wanna be rude, but, um, what...what level is that per se, so to speak? 385 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:10,419 Uh-huh? 386 00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:12,939 That's the total figure? Hey, Josie! 387 00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:15,299 Can you tell us where Vodstock will be? Good, OK. Yup! 388 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:19,300 Talk to Vod - that's why it's called Vodstock! No, I understand! Thank you. Cheers. 389 00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:21,659 Hey. 390 00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:24,259 You seen Vod? Um, no, sorry. 391 00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:26,299 SHE SIGHS 392 00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:29,339 Er, is there any chance of a heads-up on the down-low of the location? 393 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:32,739 Still under wraps. You'll get the text from our burner phone at 1800 hours. 394 00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:35,139 Cool. One thing to mention is... 395 00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:38,139 should there be an issue with the sound system, which there won't be, 396 00:20:38,140 --> 00:20:42,140 but in case of, er, cow issues, or a barn malfunction, just... 397 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:48,019 bring your headphones. I've got an unbelievable playlist. 398 00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:49,459 Bang! Silent disco. 399 00:20:49,460 --> 00:20:51,779 What a way to go out? 400 00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:55,139 60 quid for a, er... ticket for a silent disco? 401 00:20:55,140 --> 00:20:57,579 You're gonna get stabbed in the face, mate. 402 00:20:57,580 --> 00:21:01,299 And not silently. 403 00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:05,300 I was thinking, um, if we shouldn't, if it wouldn't be cooler 404 00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:08,459 to keep us a secret? From Kingsley? 405 00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:12,339 From everyone. From our friends? 406 00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,899 And what about your family? 407 00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,579 I mean, I presume I'll get to meet them at some point? 408 00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:20,580 OK, look, sit. 409 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:22,859 Look... 410 00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:26,860 I don't want to say this...but... 411 00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:31,260 If a Martian came down to Earth, um, they could, 412 00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:34,179 might, take one look at you 413 00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:38,180 and decide that you're a...you know... 414 00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:41,379 ..stupid rich tit who embodies everything that's wrong 415 00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:44,099 with our money-orientated, class-bound society. 416 00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,299 That's what a Martian would think? 417 00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:48,379 Well, yeah. But you can understand that. 418 00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:49,859 I mean, you are a bit of a tit. 419 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:52,259 Do you like me, Josie? 420 00:21:52,260 --> 00:21:55,139 As a person? 421 00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:57,019 Oh... 422 00:21:57,020 --> 00:21:59,059 You've really put me on the spot here. 423 00:21:59,060 --> 00:22:01,219 And if I'm not allowed to meet your family, 424 00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:03,339 and I'm not allowed to kiss you in public, 425 00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:06,139 what am I allowed to do? 426 00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:08,259 Fuck me in secret? 427 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:09,939 God! 428 00:22:09,940 --> 00:22:13,940 You see, on the one hand, that massively gives me the horn. 429 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,859 But on the other hand... 430 00:22:16,860 --> 00:22:18,539 it kind of makes me want to cry. 431 00:22:18,540 --> 00:22:22,539 And the wanting to cry's making my horn go soft. 432 00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:24,899 Because it turns out tears beats horn 433 00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:28,419 in a game of rock, paper, tears, scissors, horn. 434 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:32,019 I'm sorry, Josie. 435 00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:34,779 I don't think I can do this. 436 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:38,780 I really don't. Well... 437 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:44,339 So, Vod's disappeared, along with my future and my relationship with my mum. 438 00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:46,499 What, Vod's run away from responsibility? 439 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,019 Never! I can't believe it! 440 00:22:48,020 --> 00:22:51,819 Well, it's irresponsible and I hate her for it, but I can sort of see the logic. 441 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:55,219 Oi, Kingsley - it's not happening, is it? 442 00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:56,220 SIGHS 443 00:22:56,221 --> 00:22:58,059 Everyone hates you because of Vodstock 444 00:22:58,060 --> 00:22:59,699 and it's totally ruining my big day! 445 00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:02,059 Don't worry, we'll be safe in London. 446 00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:06,060 The, er, back wall's got barbed wire on it. 447 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,979 OK, right, I have been picking up vibes, so I'm just gonna ask outright. 448 00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:13,579 Do you all want to live with me in our new house in Colliers Wood 449 00:23:13,580 --> 00:23:16,179 or don't you? Er... 450 00:23:16,180 --> 00:23:18,379 I'm a fully-fledged human adult 451 00:23:18,380 --> 00:23:20,419 and I deserve to be treated as such! ALL MURMUR 452 00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:22,539 I don't think so. It was mental. 453 00:23:22,540 --> 00:23:24,459 Well, thank you for telling me the truth. 454 00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:27,939 University is over! We are over! The dream is dead! 455 00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:31,940 I'm gonna buy a small plot of land in Colliers Wood and... 456 00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:33,779 bury the dream! 457 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:36,179 ANNOYED CHATTER 458 00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:41,000 Yeah, I think that might not be the only thing getting buried. GIRL: Yeah, a scam. 459 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,519 JP: I knew these gowns would be great for running! 460 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:44,959 Fucking Vod! 461 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,639 OK, so we flush, pack and run, right? 462 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,639 Great! More running! 463 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,799 I'm getting in my car. 464 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,800 I mean, sitting there and waiting for you! Oh! Fucking Vod! 465 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,679 What's going on? Are we being burgled? 466 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,680 In a very orderly fashion? 467 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,200 Um... I'm putting your stuff in the cellar for safekeeping. 468 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:15,999 Look... 469 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,519 CLEARS THROAT 470 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,439 I don't have any family. 471 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,399 I mean, I do, but they're shit, 472 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,479 so... you're my family and I fucked it with you. 473 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,999 And I'm gonna put it right, so I have pulled in a couple of favours 474 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,000 and Vodstock is now Houseapalooza! 475 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,999 We're having the party right here, losers! 476 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,599 We're throwing a party for 1,000 people in a house designed for six? 477 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,359 No! This is my house! 478 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:44,279 - My nest egg! - We've got a garden. 479 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,159 Could work. Could it work? I want it to work! 480 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,119 Might not work. Are we all up for this? 481 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,479 No! 482 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,239 Right, well, I'm gonna take that as a yes, 483 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,319 cos I've just put the details on the internet. 484 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,519 Then take them off the internet! 485 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,199 I can't! I don't have the, um, internet scraper! 486 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,159 Can I say again? No! 487 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,679 Look, Kingo, music? 488 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,759 Jose? Stealing pint glasses? 489 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,279 Howard... Security. No - meet and greet! 490 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,679 Not my ideal role. I don't care! 491 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,680 Have a look at this. 492 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,640 Holy shit! 493 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,639 There are people! CLAMOUR OUTSIDE 494 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,599 You've got the wrong house! Try next door! 495 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,399 KNOCKING ON DOOR We're vegans! 496 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,359 MAN: Is this Vodstock? A fucking house?! 497 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:38,039 JP, Vodstock can't be stopped! 498 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,399 KNOCKING ON DOOR You can do this, Howie. 499 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,400 INSPIRATIONAL CELTIC MUSIC 500 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,960 DRUM AND BASS MUSIC BEGINS 501 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,479 Come in! 502 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,599 Remember - no sex in the garden! 503 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,999 I'm kidding! Everyone's gonna have sex in the garden! 504 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,479 Don't go in the garden! 505 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,480 MUSIC: Code Red (94 Mix) by Congo Natty 506 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,880 All music, all the time - you're listening to Kingsley Owen in his own house. 507 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,760 Just letting the playlist of the century roll out over you. 508 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,920 Coming up, a little bit of grime in the trap stylee. 509 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:33,080 Don't dance, just quiver. 510 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,640 Maybe just play the music, yeah? Yeah. 511 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,600 MUSIC POUNDS 512 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,439 OK, guys, er, watch yourselves, there is bass all over the place 513 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,239 and, er, bits of the roof also. 514 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,240 OK, so, er, next in, guys - let's get this party...continued! 515 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:01,960 Charlie? 516 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,479 RUMBLING AND CREAKING 517 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,119 LAUGHTER AND CHATTER 518 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:10,120 Definitely! Really?! 519 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,240 PHONE BEEPS 520 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,999 Drowning my sorrows. 521 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,319 Aren't you supposed to be downstairs? 522 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,839 I'm just a bit worried the ceiling might come down 523 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,439 before I get the chance to pack all my stuff. 524 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,959 Kingsley, I'm gonna kiss you. 525 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,319 Er... What? 526 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,639 What happens if we were always supposed to be together? 527 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:41,640 We need to check if we have chemistry. 528 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:56,080 OK, I'm gonna call that a no. 529 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,559 Was that...? 530 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,039 Just a chemistry experiment. 531 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,159 Oh, right. 532 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,160 Any good? No! 533 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,719 I just need to check one thing. 534 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,319 JP? 535 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:25,320 He's a dick, isn't he? Yeah, he is, but...you know... 536 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,999 for a dick, he's surprisingly all right. 537 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,879 SHE CHUCKLES 538 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:34,880 But I...I would love it if you didn't go out with him. 539 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:37,239 MUSIC CONTINUES 540 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,999 WHISTLING AND WHOOPING 541 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,799 Sorry, pal. No trainers. 542 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,800 I'm kidding! Ha-ha! We'll let anyone in! Even him! Huh?! 543 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,840 Just messing with you, Ben! Ben! 544 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,959 Howard? There's something weird about you. 545 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,399 You seem less weird. 546 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,479 Which is weird! Thank you. 547 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,919 After studying you lot for years, it would seem that I can now appear normal. 548 00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:04,319 Like a psychopath? 549 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,919 Yes, like a benign psychopath. 550 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:09,999 Mmm! Life is good! 551 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,359 Mad love to the lady bitches and the man bitches! 552 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:17,199 Gimme your tix then get in and get your fix! 553 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,159 Maybe take it down a notch? Not a problem. 554 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:24,160 All right? All right? 555 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,439 All right? 556 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:29,199 Right, you need a coaster! 557 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,599 Come on! Take one of these, pass them on! 558 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:33,719 KLAXON BLARES 559 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,279 Let's coaster up, people! Hey! 560 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,280 Oi! Get down off that window! 561 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:42,959 Oi! Are you smoking? 562 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,960 That's illegal! Put it out now or I will make a citizen's arrest! 563 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:51,439 Oh, my God! Vod! 564 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,959 LOUD VIBRATIONS, CRACKING 565 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,639 That massive crack on the wall - that was here before, right? 566 00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:59,519 Yeah! 567 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,520 Yeah, I definitely seem to remember the massive crack in the wall. 568 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:09,919 So... 569 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,279 The last hurrah. 570 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:14,119 Hurrah! 571 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,199 You up for a good time tonight? 572 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,199 Er...what? 573 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,799 You probably look at me and think "bit of a posh twat", 574 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,519 but I'm a good guy. 575 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,959 Like, yeah, I'm tough on JP, but... 576 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,479 It's tough love, because I care about my little brother. 577 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:32,919 Yeah? Yeah. 578 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:34,719 Is that why you're hitting on his... 579 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,359 housemate? Ha-ha! 580 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:38,159 It's probably cos you're incredibly hot. 581 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:40,359 And I'm incredibly horny. 582 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:44,360 So what do you say to, er...to getting jiggy? 583 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,039 I say, politely... 584 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:48,719 Fuck off! 585 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,399 Back off, Tomothy, you're being a prick! 586 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,679 Dude, I'm not sure you wanna talk like that to your soon-to-be boss! 587 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,639 You're not my boss! And you never will be! 588 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,159 And you know why? 589 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,119 Because I don't want your job! 590 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,359 I don't want to do a horrible job that I don't like! 591 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:06,719 Er, sorry, pal, no-one does. 592 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,239 You just joined Real World Soc. 593 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,079 And it's a terrible Soc! 594 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,959 And you have to go to all the meetings! And you can never leave! 595 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,879 Or join any other Socs, so suck it up! 596 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:19,199 OK? 597 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,359 I've decided I want to do something else. 598 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,039 Like what, for fuck's sake? I don't know! 599 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:27,239 Josie was telling me that maybe I could become a cartoonist. 600 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,559 SCOFFS: A cartoonist? Mm-hm! 601 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:33,239 Jesus! Right now, Dad is spinning in his grave! 602 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:36,199 But maybe you could draw a cartoon of him in his grave 603 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,799 and add little movement lines to indicate the direction of his spinning! 604 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:41,959 Well, whatever! That was just one idea! 605 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,960 But I've decided to dream the impossible dream 606 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,359 and follow my dream of making it real! 607 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,839 Oh, God, JP, listen to yourself! You sound like Les Mis! 608 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,359 Good! I bloody love Les Mis! 609 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,919 And you know what?! I am master of the house! 610 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,119 And you can fuck off out of it! 611 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:04,039 What, is that Les Mis? Yes! It is! 612 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:08,040 So, go on! Fuck off! 613 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,799 I feel so compelled to sing right now! 614 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:19,879 Don't ruin it. OK! 615 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:23,880 MUSIC: Animal Rights by Deadmau5 & Wolfgang Garter 616 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,239 Listen, if my brother tries to come back in here, then... 617 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:28,759 What's going on? 618 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,719 House meeting! I don't think the house is safe! The ceiling! 619 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,399 It's the playlist? It's too strong? 620 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:38,400 No, it...it's too many people. It's the party! It's too good! 621 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:43,200 It's drawing people from all round like a brilliant NHS dentist! 622 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,639 I need to do more chemistry tests. 623 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,559 JP: No! I want this party to last forever! 624 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:51,959 Fuck my house! It's my last remaining asset, 625 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,359 but I want it to come tumbling down like the Walls of Jericho! 626 00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,199 I love you guys! 627 00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:58,599 SIRENS WAIL OUTSIDE 628 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,159 Let's all just fuck! 629 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:01,719 HELICOPTER WHIRS OUTSIDE 630 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:03,879 SIRENS CONTINUE 631 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:07,880 Po-po! 632 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:11,279 Right, everyone! 633 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,959 I'm not sure I've ever said this before, but... 634 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,919 ..this party's over! 635 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:18,079 Everyone, out! 636 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:19,759 SIRENS GROW LOUDER 637 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,760 TRAINS RUMBLE PAST 638 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,399 KINGSLEY: Fuck. So this is it? 639 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,519 HOWARD: Yes. It is over. 640 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,319 I'm going to London to put Ordnance Survey on the map. 641 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:34,559 Joke. 642 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,639 And I've found a three-person house share in Harpenden. 643 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,639 I will befriend them. 644 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,319 Small talk, bang. 645 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:44,119 Shared meal, bang. 646 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:47,319 Mutual DVD-watching, bang. 647 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,239 They don't stand a chance. 648 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,039 I'll pick them off one by one, 649 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,719 like an amicable sniper. 650 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,239 My dream of writing a novel is in ashes. 651 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,519 Like in Angela's Ashes. 652 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,479 Maybe. I don't know. I haven't read it. 653 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,919 Yeah, well, who's Tony Shales? 654 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,879 The only person who knows how to write a novel? 655 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,119 I mean, is he the only one who knows where the end goes? 656 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:12,719 What, you mean... 657 00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:16,720 write a novel...without a course? 658 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:18,039 Shit! 659 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,639 You've got plenty to write about. 660 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:21,999 I'm gonna write a novel. 661 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,519 Without a course. About what's happened. 662 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,799 Cos I mean, when you think about it, 663 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,839 I've practically already written a novel. 664 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:33,039 All I have to do is just write it down. Oh, my God. This is gonna be amazing. 665 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:35,159 I'm gonna set it in Laos. 666 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,519 OK. 667 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:38,879 Cos then it'll be interesting! 668 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,199 Have you been? No. 669 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:45,200 And that will be what makes it so interesting. 670 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:51,119 I don't want it to be over. 671 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:55,120 Sorry, Jose. I can't hear you? 672 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:03,079 I think that we should maybe give this a try. 673 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:04,799 Why? 674 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:08,039 Because you like me now? 675 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:09,439 Mm-hm. 676 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,679 Sorry, what? 677 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:15,759 I'm not gonna say that I love you, because I don't fucking love you. 678 00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:17,239 Good. Because... 679 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:20,599 I don't love you either. 680 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:24,239 But I am willing to admit that... 681 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:28,240 ..JP is quite...nice. 682 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,800 Drop the "quite" and we have a deal. 683 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,279 Hey, guys? 684 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,599 Jose has got something she'd like to share with the group. 685 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:40,759 Have I? 686 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,839 Yes. You do. 687 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:46,840 Something she wants to shout out so that all of Manchester can hear. 688 00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,959 Fine. 689 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:53,919 I think... 690 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,239 that JP... 691 00:35:56,240 --> 00:36:00,240 ..is quite all right, probably. 692 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:06,200 OTHERS: Ooh! 693 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,679 Hey, can you also shout that... 694 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:10,159 HE WHISPERS 695 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,999 No! Because that's disgusting. 696 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,519 But I do think that we should give a long-distance relationship a try. 697 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:20,079 Cos...they often work out. Right, guys? 698 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:21,959 Yeah. Yeah! 699 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:23,399 Like, these days, yeah. 700 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:27,279 You know, I think I'm finally beginning to accept you for who you really are. 701 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,599 Good. 702 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,719 Because... 703 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,720 ..I've decided I'm not a cartoonist. 704 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,239 I'm going to become an estate agent. 705 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:40,199 And work for Foxtons. 706 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:44,200 And if I'm really lucky, get one of those cool Minis. 707 00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:45,759 Good... 708 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:48,519 Great. 709 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:49,919 That's interesting. 710 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,039 You told me to follow my dream, 711 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,359 and I am. Yes. 712 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,879 I mean, I did think that your dream might be to be an artist, 713 00:36:57,880 --> 00:36:59,159 but... Nope. 714 00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:03,160 Broom-broom, beep-beep, percentage of the purchase price, please. 715 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,879 What about you, Kings? 716 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,559 Oh, well, my internship's unpaid, 717 00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:11,399 so I'm gonna be living back with my lovely, inescapable mum. 718 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,399 Don't be silly, Nutsack. You can come live with me. 719 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:15,879 Rent-free. 720 00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:17,759 How do you feel about that, Kingsley? 721 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,879 Living with an estate agent in Chelsea. 722 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,880 An estate agent who is your ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. 723 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,639 The thing is, that is actually too good an offer to refuse, 724 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:31,839 so...yes, thank you. 725 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,599 I would love that. 726 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:35,079 Awesome! 727 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,359 And then when Jose comes down to stay, it'll be just like old times, eh? 728 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:42,360 Yeah. 729 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:52,199 Listen. 730 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,759 I think I might go. 731 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:54,799 To Laos. 732 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,159 And, um...I'd love you to come with me. 733 00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:01,199 Particularly as I don't properly know where it is. 734 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,679 I could write, and you could teach English as a foreign language. 735 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:08,680 Sounds pretty good. 736 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:16,120 Now that I've run my own festival, I could also run Burning Man. 737 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:18,639 Yeah. 738 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:19,919 VOICES RECEDE 739 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:23,759 How long's it gonna take you to get back to Scotland? 740 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:24,799 Scotland? 741 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,839 I don't live in Scotland. 742 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,279 I live in Manchester. 743 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,119 My, er, mum and dad's house is two streets away. 744 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:32,639 What?! 745 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,479 Why did you never say anything? 746 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,319 Because they're excruciatingly embarrassing. 747 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:41,159 Are you ready, Howard? Yes, Dad. 748 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,919 It's lovely to meet you all. Embarrassing. 749 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,519 Heard so much about you! Painful. 750 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:47,919 If you're ever up this way again, 751 00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,399 do drop by for some tea and cake. Idiotic! 752 00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:55,400 Yes. My parents are cliches. 753 00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:59,039 Hey. So, er... 754 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:00,079 bye. 755 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:01,399 You gonna be OK? 756 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:03,559 Yeah. I'll be fine. 757 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:06,279 I'm gonna ask Sabine to live with me next year. 758 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:10,280 Purge myself of all my class and racial prejudice. 759 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:12,359 Bye. 760 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:16,360 OK. Bye. 761 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,199 # We were sleeping in for years 762 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:29,200 # Letting go of our friends 763 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:32,839 # Scaring our friends 764 00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:36,840 # We were seeing clearer closing our eyes 765 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:42,000 # And our lashes intertwined 766 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:47,080 # Do I lie in the backseat 767 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:50,919 # Of your mind? 768 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,919 # Just a second 769 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,119 # And we're gone 770 00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:59,039 # Just an imprint 771 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,479 # When we're done 772 00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,480 # Just a second and we're gone 773 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:10,560 # Just an imprint when we're done 774 00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:17,680 # It should be forever 775 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:23,000 # God told me 776 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,360 # We're born into the wrong time 777 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:33,400 # It should be forever 778 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,560 # God told me 779 00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,560 # We're born into the wrong time 780 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:49,960 # It should be forever 781 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,359 ♪ God told me... ♪ 782 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:57,999 Subtitles by Ericsson