(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
Robyn?
Will you marry me?
Yeah.
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
I want to make love to you tonight.
MAN: Don't be scared, Murch!
I just thought we had a connection back there.
JULIAN: We are doing what we must
to build a school where we can really teach excellence.
And that's really what I wanted to do.
Who was that pop-tart?
Shelby, it's over.
Oops.
(SCREAMING)
I am a pimp.
So my future looks mighty bright, thank you very much.
(LAUGHING)
HARPER: A long, long, long time ago,
Mia slept with your best man.
LANCE: I could've killed you last night.
I still could right now.
HARPER: It wouldn't change anything.
You can hate me forever, man.
But not Mia.
She loves you so much.
Man, you're staring your ideal woman in the face.
You two are made for each other.
Daddy's on! Daddy's on!
MAN: (ON TV) Let's go down to the field and start with Pam Oliver.
Wow, Lance, another 100-plus yards.
That all-time record is in your sights.
LANCE: Yeah, it's nice, but the win is better.
You are fighting for your playoff lives.
How much pressure do you feel to perform at a high level?
You know what, it's no pressure at all.
I love football, but it's my job. It's not life or death.
I just continue to do my best with what God gave me, that's all.
PAM: Congratulations. Appreciate it. LANCE: Thanks a lot.
All right, y'all?
PAM: And back to you guys in the studio.
(EKG BEEPING)
(FAINT HEARTBEAT)
(SIGHS)
Baby's still breech.
This one is determined to come out feet or buttocks first.
Everything looks okay though, right, Doc?
Mmm-hmm. But we need to schedule a C-section.
It's just safer.
There goes my Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover.
Airbrush.
You're due... BOTH: New Year's Eve.
Right.
Great way to celebrate. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
And you're still working?
Yeah, she's on her feet a lot, so...
ls there 'cause for concern?
Not really, but given your history,
I'd err on the side of caution.
You're not saying bed rest, right?
Look, if that's what it takes, then...
Nothing like that.
Just, if you can, see if you can take your maternity leave now.
It's nesting time.
Look, it's been a long journey, you guys.
We are almost there.
(BURPS)
Harper; Oh.
It's the baby.
Oh, hey. Um.
We got another invitation from Mia.
Ah. I guess she really wants us there.
Maybe we should go.
Oh, so now you're interested in going, huh?
It's not my first choice for a holiday weekend, but it might be fun.
Especially for you.
You've been so preoccupied with your book.
Yeah.
It'd be good for you to be with your friends.
Yeah.
Might be a 'cause for celebration.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Never that. Always the pessimist.
Well, that's why I married an optimist.
(CHUCKLES)
STAN: I can't sell this.
What? Why not?
Well, because nobody's buying it. And I've tried everybody.
And I mean nothing.
All right, well, can we self-publish?
Harper, I don't even think your loyal fans want this.
If they even know you're alive.
You don't even tweet, for Christ's sakes.
Come on, Stan, you know I hate that shit.
Harper, people have the attention span for 140 characters,
not 140 characters.
Look. You're only as good as your last book.
And that was a mild hit back when Obama was first elected.
Senator Obama.
We need another one of these.
Millions sold.
Months on the New York Times bestseller list. Months! Look.
"It's groundbreaking. Sexy, funny, smart."
And not just "black people" smart.
You set a very high bar here, Harper.
Look at that guy. Vibrant, handsome, hair.
What happened to him?
NYU just laid me off.
Jesus Henry Christ.
When it rains, it pours.
Yeah.
I haven't told Robyn yet. Why not?
Was there a scandal?
Was it a young, nubile...
Shit.
It's too bad. Sex sells.
Seen this? Don't Hate, Emulate.
I tell you, these housewives, they're like a gold mine.
(CAT YOWLING)
(SIGHS)
Harpy, I've been in this business a long time.
That novel is not the game changer that you need.
What am I going to do?
You know what you need to do.
Oh. Stan, no.
Yes. I will not.
Harper, it is the time and now.
Lance Sullivan. Your friend, Lance Sullivan.
One of the most popular, scandal-free athletes of all time.
He's heroic, he's charismatic.
And he's retiring.
I know. Ka-ching!
You get him to commit to you being the author of his bio,
you're gonna get an advance like that! A big advance.
Stan, things haven't been the same between Lance and me
since I first wrote Unfinished Business.
And besides, I don't even know if biography is my thing.
Fuck your thing! This is a check!
Exploit your friend for capital gain!
This is America!
(BELL CHIMING)
MAN: Merry Christmas!
(ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi. This is Robyn. Leave me a message!
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
JORDAN: Diversity?
Diversity? Michael, are you even watching the network?
What do you think I'm fighting for 24/7?
Listen, I don't care who you call.
You can call Jesse, you can call Barack,
you can call Jesus Christ.
But I'm gonna tell you right now,
that it just doesn't work for our programming.
Thank you, Michael. (CHUCKLES)
Ugh! Ooh!
Hate to be on the other side of that phone call.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you know your people.
So the hermit emerges.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
Hey, what's happening, girl?
How are you? Good to see you.
Gosh, you too.
You look great. So do you.
Um...
I was just in the neighborhood,
strategizing with my peeps.
Ah. The latest Harper Stewart masterpiece.
(CHUCKLES)
So when's the debut?
In due time. In due time.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Well, you better hurry up, because your fans are waiting.
It's been like, what, three years now?
No, it's been like two.
Really? Yeah. Two and a half.
No, I think it's more like three. Anyway.
Anyway.
So, how's Robyn?
Oh. She's good.
That baby's coming soon, huh?
Yeah.
Where are you guys registered again?
I really wanted to get you something, but...
A bunch of places. Don't worry about it.
Where did you get all these?
Oh, that's from the documentary I did on Reginald Foster.
Oh. The black billionaire. Yeah.
He was a very reluctant subject.
Really? Yeah.
Then how did you get him to agree to do it?
Oh, you know, Harper, I never take no for an answer.
If the front door is closed, I go around the back.
WOMAN: (ON INTERCOM) Jordan, I have Brian here.
He's here?
Is that a work thing, because I can...
No, you're fine. BRIAN: Hey, J.
JORDAN: Hi. Am I interrupting?
Uh. Not at all.
Lisa said you were with a friend.
Yeah.
How are you?
Brian McDonald. Harper Stewart.
All right.
Yeah. "Harp."
Sure. Harp, of course. The writer.
Jordan's told me all about you.
On. Ha! on!
Okay. Good to meet you. You guys are friends from work?
You guys work together?
(CLEARS THROAT) No, Brian's my boyfriend.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh! Yeah.
Oh! Oh! This Brian. Okay.
Because I thought you meant the one... No. Right, Brian.
Brian Mc... McDougal.
McDonald. McDonald. Yeah, B-Mac.
B-Mac? B-Mac?
Yes. That's what she calls you.
Is that right? JORDAN: No.
Harper! HARPER: Yeah, it's really cute.
So it's good to finally meet you, Brian.
She will not stop.
She won't stop talking about you.
Seriously, she won't stop.
I guess that's nice to hear, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
(JORDAN CHUCKLING)
Hey, baby.
BRIAN: Listen, I'm sorry, but I got to bail on dinner tonight.
The boss is all up my ass.
No, no. It's totally fine. I get it.
You didn't have to walk all the way here to tell me that.
You could've called,
you could've emailed, you could've sent a text.
Yeah, but the damnedest thing, none of my devices were working.
So I figured I should just come
and deliver the message in person.
(JORDAN CHUCKLING) Oh, hey.
I changed my flight.
So I can come with you to Mia's.
Oh. Great.
But what about Vermont?
The family understands.
If it's important to you, it's important to me.
You guys want me to wait outside?
Shut up, Harper.
Don't worry about it. I got to get out of here.
I only stopped by for a second. All right, baby.
Mmm.
(JORDAN GIGGLES)
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Nice to meet you. Absolutely.
I guess I'll see you this weekend?
Hope so. Okay.
Brian McDonald.
"I like to ski in Vermont with my devices."
I hate you so much. Get out of my office.
"I like dating chocolate girls."
JULIAN: The very last thing has got me so excited.
With smart boards in each of the classrooms,
our teachers compete with anybody in the country.
Julian, you don't have to sell me. Your school is extraordinary.
Well, that's because of donations,
from long-time contributors like yourself, Elliot.
And that's what makes this even more difficult.
Oh. How do you mean? Well,
your director of admissions, Candace Sparks.
Mmm-hmm. She's your wife?
Yes, she kept her maiden name.
And how did you meet again?
(STAMMERS)
I'm sorry. What?
Yeah, no, I'll be right back! Yep!
Hey, how are you? It's nice to see you.
To see everybody.
1997?
97, what the...
Oh, my God, look at...
Candace? No.
God, Candace.
Hi, Mr. Murch. (YELLS)
Hey!
Hi. Say hi to your mom for me.
For me.
No, babe.
Oh, God!
Boy, pull your pants up!
No, no, no, don't.
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me!
Oh!
(ROBYN MOANING)
Oh. That feels so good.
Oh! Don't stop.
I think I'm gonna keep you, Mr. Stewart.
You promise?
Oh. Honey.
I'm sorry things didn't pan out
the way you wanted with your book,
but the next great idea will come.
I know it.
Stan thinks I should do a biography on Lance.
Really? Yeah.
That's interesting.
So you think I should?
MAN: That is another big-time carry for Lance Sullivan.
(SIGHS)
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, my God. Wow.
Looks like we're the first to arrive.
Baby, come on now, you look amazing.
I look like a cow.
You don't look like a cow. Now, come on.
Sorry, I'm just a little pregnant.
You look beautiful.
Look, I know you're nervous.
I'm not nervous. Just...
Let's not mention my epic failure of a book to anyone.
Honey, nobody here is gonna judge you.
(SCOFFS) You don't know my friends very well, do you?
Come on, get in here! Hey, now.
ROBYN: It's been too long.
MIA: You look beautiful.
Thank you so much, Mia.
Hey, stranger. Merry Christmas.
How you doing?
Perfect. Yeah? Good.
This is just perfect.
Come.
Children, come say hello.
HARPER: Hey, you all. ROBYN: Hey.
U. Look how big you all got.
You remember us?
Yes, it's good to see you again, Mr. Harper.
Ms. Robyn. Hi.
You don't have to be that formal with us. It's just Harper and Robyn.
Or Uncle Harp, or Auntie Rob-Rob, or...
You don't have to call us that though.
Yeah, no, don't. That's weird.
Here, let me take your bags.
Can I take your coats?
Oh. How nice.
Okay, this is off. What a beautiful dress.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
So polite.
Do you have a baby in there?
Yes, I do.
It's still baking though.
And look over here, you must be July.
No? Let me guess. Summer?
August. August.
My bad. (LAUGHS)
Put it there, buddy boy.
Dap it up. There we go. High-five. Pound it out.
He knows who you are.
Oh, look who's here.
August Wilson is an American legend,
and a big inspiration to this cat.
HARPER: That he is.
And I hope to one day be on his level.
Oh, yeah?
You got a long way to go.
Your pops, always clowning me. Just like in college.
The old days.
Hey there, gorgeous. Hey.
So good to see you.
There is nothing more beautiful than a woman with child.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Breech, actually.
Yeah, we're just hoping for a healthy baby. This time.
Harper.
We just wanted it to be a surprise.
Oh. Well, Harp's good for that.
(LAUGHING)
ROBYN: Gingerbread house-making,
black and white dinner, talent show,
ooh, spa day!
Story-telling, service day, church, gift-exchange,
and box seats at the record-breaking game!
Damn!
And both of their families are coming, too.
Oh, word?
That's perfect.
Why is that perfect?
Oh, you know, it's Christmas time, family, friends,
lots of stories, that kind of thing.
And a lot of work for Mia.
Oh, please, are you kidding me?
She lives for this kind of a thing.
Well, I don't think Lance does.
He was giving you a hard time.
Oh, no, he was just messing with me.
If you say so. Yeah.
Have you thought any more about pursuing his bio?
His bio... No, no, not really.
I think that's for the best.
You guys should just concentrate on being friends again.
Yeah, absolutely.
Let me ask you something. Does Mia look thin to you?
Really?
You're asking the pregnant fatty
if another woman that you slept with
looks skinny? Shh. Shh.
Don't shush me. I'm not shushing you.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh.
More guests.
Please excuse me.
(GIGGLING)
Girls, slow down, please!
Baby.
Mmm.
We wish we had as powerful a lobby as they do.
Yeah, but they're organized and we're not.
If they can get the word "homo" banned,
we should be able to get "nigga" banned. Seriously.
Harp, my nigga! What's up, man?
Merry Christmas!
Robyn! Oh, my God! Girl, you look so good!
And your titties are huge!
ROBYN: Girl, they won't stop growing.
Fellas, fellas, fellas.
Where you been hiding, slim?
I've been around, you know, writing.
What's up with you and brand management?
I don't know why these white folks pay me,
to tell them what black people are thinking. Man, I'm light-skinned.
(LAUGHING)
These are Julian's people.
I mean, I love him, but we are definitely outside the bubble.
But whatever, I can live the lush life for a few days,
get freaky with my man! (BOTH CHUCKLE)
And don't worry, I will definitely drink enough for two.
Hello!
Make that enough for three.
Oh, God, no.
Shelby.
Hi, Lancie!
Where's the kids?
They're running around here somewhere. Okay.
Kennedy, go play. Go, go.
Let me take your coat, Shel. Thank you, of course.
CAN DACE: Do you see that coat?
I'm calling PETA.
That bitch just killed 15 animals this morning.
Julian. You're looking well.
Hmm. Prada?
Nada.
Why has she got to be up in Julian's face?
Harper,
(SIGHS)
I heard you had writer's block. (CHUCKLES)
Hi.
Don't.
What? I won't bite, this time.
Merry Christmas. Come on, sands.
Let's go. Let's go.
Man, that bitch is crazy.
But she is fine as hell.
I so dodged a bullet.
Okay. Right?
I mean, that could have... A shot to the head.
Are you all good on drinks?
Hey!
Big L, Big L, hanging up the cleats, huh?
What's next for you? Broadcast booth, coaching, business venture?
Damn, nigga, are you writing a book?
That's a good idea.
No. Hey, come on, you know... A book!
Non-fiction is not my thing.
Besides, you could get any biographer you wanted, right?
Yeah, but that doesn't interest me.
People only know what I want them to know.
Well, that's what they do. You can't blame them, you're a star.
Well, everybody's got a job to do.
As long as we stick to football, we're straight.
JORDAN: Hello, hello!
ALL: Hey!
Merry Christmas!
Thanks for coming.
Robyn, stop it.
I'm just saying, Jordan's good people, you should get to know her.
What's to know? She's career-obsessed and lives on her BlackBerry.
True, but she's not some ideal from a piece of fiction.
Julian. Brian. Nice to meet you.
Good to see you again, Harper.
Now, her man, on the other hand, is iconic.
Mmm. If I went that way, that's what I'd get.
A tall, vanilla swagger latte.
(INHALES) I like, I like, I like.
What did...
Hi, baby!
Busted!
What's wrong with you, man?
Not now, Quentin. Not now.
No, dude, you've been tripping all night.
Don't...
Come here. Come here!
JORDAN: Hey, Candace!
You look gorgeous.
Thank you, girl. Thank you so much.
Hi. Hi, Robyn. How are you?
Hi, Jordan.
How's it going in there?
It's going good, no complaints.
That is going to be a big baby.
(LAUGHING)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
I mean, beautiful baby.
MIA: Everyone?
I can't tell you how good it is to have
all of us under the same roof again.
And Brian, welcome.
Thank you for having me.
I wish it could be for the whole weekend.
Oh. Where are you guys headed?
Oh. It's just him.
Oh.
My family's got a place up in Vermont,
so we always get together this time of year.
Ski, hang out by the fireplace, stuff like that.
That sounds really nice.
Yeah, the snow and I just don't really get along, do we?
Could have fooled me.
Ah!
And Brian and I are going to Hawaii the day after Christmas.
Oh, you have to stay at the Four Seasons in Maui. Honeymoon suite.
And which honeymoon was that?
My next one.
(CHUCKLING)
CANDACE: So, Lance, y'all making the playoffs this year or what?
Yeah, that Atlanta D is pretty tough.
It is tough, but we will definitely make the playoffs.
CANDACE: Okay, all right.
And what about that rushing record?
How many more yards is it to go?
Really? We're gonna talk about football all night?
Oh. I am so sorry, Shelby.
Please, fill us all in on the scintillating
world of mudslinging housewives.
Candace. SHELBY: "Scintillating."
Mmm. Such a big word.
Just like the TV show. Mmm-hmm.
One hundred seventy-six.
What?
Yards for the record. Right, Lance?
Right, yeah, 176. Right.
You remember your first pro yards?
Oh. Okay, I'll just leave.
Why don't you hop on that broom and fly back out the window?
Quentin!
So, Murch, how's the fundraising going?
Oh, uh...
We ran into a snag this week. (CLEARS THROAT)
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Is it Elliot?
Yeah, he's not contributing this year.
Elliot Gibson, the philanthropist?
Isn't he a bit of a morality nut?
Yeah! Yeah, that's him.
My God. Did he say why?
To hell with him, man! We got you.
What's his usual contribution?
Two million. Oh, hell no.
Murch, if you need anything, just let me know.
No, no, no! You sure about that?
You guys have done more than enough.
Thanks. I can handle this.
MIA: Listen, I have a fabulous weekend planned.
And after dessert, it's pajama time!
You know I like to sleep naked.
ROBYN: Oh, God. JORDAN: Quentin.
So, about those yards, Lance.
You remember your first...
I'm sorry, can I trouble you for the bathroom?
Of course. Lance, could you?
Yeah.
Mmm mmm mmm.
Look at her. That waddle brings back nightmares.
All of you men need to do your wives a favor and get snipped.
Jesus.
You too, Robin Thicke.
Yeah, I said it.
Mia, do you have some Prosecco? Where are those people?
Hello? Excuse me?
(TAPPING GLASS)
QUENTIN: How did this Elliot guy find this in the first place?
How do I know? Is he a porn watcher?
First of all, it's not porn.
Well, I'm getting a little excited.
Cut it out. Get your hands off.
And 165,328,
29, 30 viewers say otherwise. (SIGHS)
You're not making this better.
This is getting me a little excited.
Stop it!
CANDACE: So, the girls are down.
Oh!
Don't you guys look cute in your PJs!
Yeah. Yeah, nice.
Hey, um...
We're going, right, Murch?
Oh. We were gonna go hang out with the fellas. You don't mind, do you?
Oh. No!
Please, they got 900 channels up in here.
Plus, me and Robyn are gonna sit up and talk about people, so... (CHUCKLES)
Perfect. Talking about people.
Oh, um, babe, can I use your phone?
Because I can't get a signal up in here.
My Cell?
(STAMMERS) The one I'm holding?
In my hand?
Yeah, stop! Would you hand me that?
(PANTING)
Are you sure that he just smokes weed?
Are you happy?
Yes, very.
And thankful.
Whatever you want, baby.
I want you to be a little nicer.
I thought I was being nice.
To everybody.
All right.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
You're doing a bio on Lance, aren't you?
What?
Oh. Harper, please don't play dumb.
It belittles both of us.
So this is what you've been strategizing about!
Uh. Yeah, yeah. What do you think?
I think it's brilliant. Have you asked him?
No, I've got to figure out an approach.
You already got him with that first yards question.
Just brush off those journalistic skills and get in there.
You've got to convince him that he needs to tell his story.
Well, that's a lot easier said than done.
Well, just keep talking to him. And you know what?
If you need me to, I can work on Mia,
because you know he'll do whatever she says.
All right, cool.
So, where's the thrilla in vanilla?
So, slim.
Is Jordan your first safari into the enchanted jungle?
Is he serious?
How do we know that this ain't some Django Candyland fantasy?
(CHUCKLES) Come on, man. I've dated all kinds of women.
But Jordan is pretty special.
I'm surprised she got past all of you guys.
Who says she did?
He's just messing with you, man.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay.
Ain't nobody here been with her, man.
Not that there wasn't an attempt, though.
What? Oh, really?
Why would you say something like that?
I didn't even look at you! Shut up, Murch.
I'm watching TV.
Look, man, honestly, we're brother and sister.
For real.
Come on, man, no worries. It's all good.
I'd have to be a bitch to be concerned
about her past like that, right?
I like him.
Do you think Brian is going to pop
the question when you guys get to Hawaii?
No, I don't think we're there yet.
Armstrong, you are such a commitment-phobe.
No, I'm not a commitment-phobe.
I just don't do it as often as you do.
Oh, touché, bitch!
Jordan, this is the longest relationship you've ever had.
Why are you being so defensive?
I am not being defensive!
So, what is it?
I just don't know that I'm ready to...
Give up the big, black dick?
(LAUGHING)
Can I get an amen on the big, black dick?
Big, black dick. It's big, it's black.
It just goes in your mouth, in your ass.
You want to talk to it like it's a mic. "Check, check."
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, don't hate. Emulate, bitches.
You've got to talk to it.
LANCE: Oh.
Hey, man, do you guys want me to step out?
No. See that, Murch? You can't even tell what happened.
Or, if something did happen, you can't tell.
Oh, so I should be okay knowing that my wife
might have been the headmaster?
Well, you did marry a stripper.
Yeah, but that didn't matter to me.
QUENTIN: If it didn't matter to you then,
why in the hell is it mattering to you now?
Could you just put your phone away, please? Thank you.
Well, now I have two million dollars to raise.
And I have two little girls!
What if Keisha and Kelly decide they want to dance for money?
You did marry a stripper.
Would you stop saying that, please?
You married a stripper.
QUENTIN: You know what?
We can solve it with one question.
JULIAN: What's that?
Which one of them, either Shelby
or Candace is better at rocking the mic?
Yeah, I don't remember.
What?
What? Murch, come on, man.
Every man remembers his personal best headmaster.
Co-sign.
Yeah, and he should know. He's been with white chicks.
They can do it.
Murch?
Shelby.
Word? Was it even close?
No, not really, no.
(GASPS) Murch. I know.
Hell no, it ain't close.
Amen.
Really?
QUENTIN: Look, I'm just saying.
If Candace
ain't the best at rocking the mic...
I didn't say that. I didn't say she's not the best.
She can rock the mic. She's rocking the mic.
She-mutt rocks it, right?
Yes, she does... I'm done.
I'm saying, if she's not the best
at rocking the mic, then maybe she didn't.
Good point.
JORDAN: So, Mia.
What do you think Lance is gonna do with all of his new free time?
Oh, you better get him some golf lessons or he will drive you crazy.
Look, he can drive me crazy all he wants.
Plus, the children would love to have him around.
It's gonna be nice.
Has he ever thought about writing his memoirs?
He'd never get that bored.
Yeah, you're probably right, but you know what?
He's got such a legacy, and I think people
would love to hear his story. Your story!
I don't know, it just seems like,
with him retiring, it would be the perfect time to reflect.
Mmm.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe it is.
JULIAN: (CHUCKLES) Nice move, nice.
Didn't Shelby and Mia pledge together?
Yes, line sisters.
Line sisters. Mmm-hmm.
That's why her ass is up here.
Exactly.
Mia and Lance, they take their Greek life seriously.
What is that, "Friendship is essential to the soul"?
That's right.
Along with manhood, scholarship, perseverance and uplifting.
In case y'all didn't know. HARPER: Okay.
You think your kids are gonna pledge?
Ain't no think.
Sullivan has been frat over 100 years,
and we're gonna keep that moving.
JULIAN: Oh! Nice.
So, tradition, that's one of your main principles, then?
I didn't say nothing about that.
All right, everybody, then.
If you had to boil your principles down
into three words, what would they be?
For me, it would be creativity, stability and partnership.
Tradition, family and love.
JULIAN: Ancestry,
perseverance,
children.
Money, bitches, pussy and getting head.
Mother... That's four, first off.
Money, bitches, pussy getting head.
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm mmm mmm.
God, family, football.
In that order?
In that order.
(EXHALES) L-Boogie!
I thought I'd hit the trail myself.
Show me the way?
Well, the kids look beautiful. Getting big.
You must be proud.
Yeah, no doubt, man.
It's the best thing I could've ever done.
Are you excited?
Me? Yeah, I'm excited.
Nervous.
Yeah, Robyn and I were having trouble
conceiving. I don't know if you heard.
Yeah, I did hear something about that. Was it low sperm count?
What? No, no. No, I'm good.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed.
It's just a little bit more of a challenge than we anticipated.
(PANTING)
Are you all right?
I think I got a pebble in my shoe or something.
You're not the author of this, man.
What do you mean?
You know, Faith was a breech baby. For real?
Yeah, no doubt.
29 hours of labor,
and my little baby girl wasn't even breathing when she came into this world.
Longest 15 seconds of my life.
But our faith.
Our faith never wavered.
Yeah, God's always got a plan, man.
Just got to trust everything's going to work out.
I got a team meeting. Let's do this.
I'll give you a head start.
(MOANING)
You were amazing this morning.
I thought we were gonna wake up the whole house.
(CHUCKLES)
You know how much I love you?
Yes, I know how much you love me.
No, seriously, do you know how much?
I know that you're gonna be late.
Wow. Always on a schedule.
That's me. I can't help it.
And I love who you are.
Believe me, your whole strong, independent,
Olivia Pope thing is very sexy.
But sometimes you act like you don't need me.
I don't.
Everybody needs somebody, Jordan.
I'll call you when I land.
Yeah. Or maybe I should just text you.
Is that better? No. Call me.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Harper, I'm gonna need you to go to the store later.
Okay, sure. What's going on?
I'm making dinner tonight.
The caterer broke his arm slipping on some ice.
Huh.
Too late to find a replacement, so...
Well, isn't that a lot of work?
I'm fine, Harper.
Okay. I'll go get dressed.
Thank you. Mmm-hmm.
So, what's Harper been working on?
Anything new?
Quentin, you're sure you got the Thai basil, right?
Yes, man! You told me for like the 20th time.
I'm just saying.
God! Robyn's real specific.
Plus, you can't tell a pregnant lady shit.
You got a point there.
Yeah, man. Y'all getting your balls back for Christmas or what?
Married folk.
Anyway, shoot.
She's supposed to be on maternity leave.
Here she goes cooking a four-course meal.
Good for her, man.
She's got Jordan here, man.
She isn't going to be outdone.
Not in the kitchen. That's her arena.
It's not even like that.
Yeah, it is. There's hell of a tension.
Man, they should drop the gloves and start smacking each other.
I hope they show a titty or something.
No question. I'm just playin', man.
I know you ain't talking.
Between your wife and your ex, it's like what, Mob Wives up in here.
You need to have a pay-per-view event.
Not a bad idea. Maybe that's the way you can close that
two-million gap you got. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
I got it. Hold up.
I got to take this. Hold that, hold that.
Hi. Hi.
Hello?
Cute little fuchsia phone you got.
Two million.
That's a big nut.
Yeah, man. He's going through it, huh?
Everybody's going through it.
Well, how are you doing, shorty?
What do you mean?
You cool?
Yeah.
Money-wise?
Because of the credit card.
No, I'm cool. It always happens.
I got to call the company, because it's getting embarrassing, but I'm...
No, this is embarrassing, man. I'm your man.
Look, you got a baby coming,
and if you need something, you talk to your friends.
Yeah, I'm good.
Good looking-out. I appreciate it though.
You're a sensitive brother.
For real. I'm straight.
Hurry up, Murch.
SHELBY: What are you doing? What am I paying you for?
I'm "TV's Most Notorious."
The endorsements should be rolling in.
Notorious Martinis.
Notorious Heels.
Notorious Bubble Bath. Why am I thinking of this?
Hold on.
Kennedy, please stop eating!
What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? What do you know about this?
I know a lot more than you do. You have a child?
I don't need to have a child in order to know how to deal with a child.
I know how to deal with a child. No, you don't!
You're over here dealing with everything else!
I'm on the phone! Why don't you get out of my business?
Ms. Notorious! Ms. Notorious Brat! Ms. Notorious everything!
Hey, hey, hey!
Neutral corners.
I'm sorry, Mia. You want to help? Help Kennedy.
I ain't nobody's babysitter.
Better call your baby daddy.
I hate your momma.
Ugh! Honestly. I hate him.
Wait a minute. This isn't my...
Oh.
I was hoping that we could schedule a face-to-face meeting.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Yes.
I'm sorry, could you...
Just give me one second. I'm really sorry, sir.
Kind of busy right now, Shelby.
Are you sure this isn't a good time?
(CHUCKLES)
Good times.
Get your ass in here!
Hey! Hi, girls.
Hey!
Wow! This looks amazing. And it smells so good.
Doesn't it?
Thanks.
So, what are you making?
Salad.
Salad, right. So pretty.
Hey, listen, you know, Robyn.
I don't know that we'll ever be friends,
but I want you to know that I am really happy for you and Harper.
Why are you telling me this?
Well, sometimes it can be a little awkward between us.
Like now.
Harper's my boy. You're having his baby, and his book is brilliant.
You read his book?
Oh, shit.
HARPER: Be careful, Q, don't hurt yourself.
QUENTIN: Y'all trying to tire me out!
Mommy likes having you guys here.
Your mother, she brings out the best in all of us.
Your daddy, that's a different story.
Mommy says the same thing about all of you.
And I know it's true.
Oh, really? How do you know it's true?
She's so much better now.
Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! Fuck!
But just keep it between us.
Please, Shelby.
I am begging you. Okay.
Don't worry. I can keep a secret.
I'm here as your friend, Julian.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, Quentin. I believe that's mine.
And you need privacy settings.
Those skanks you're texting.
It's nasty.
What the hell is she talking about? All I mess with is dimes.
Well, not that one. That's Butterface. Hell, she's...
Mmm.
Really?
HARPER: Are you sure you haven't noticed
anything out of the ordinary with Mia?
ROBYN: Mia? Mmm-mmm.
I mean, she is just the sweetest thing.
You know she offered for us to raid her garage.
Said there's a bunch of baby stuff in there.
So you want to take their hand-me-downs now?
She's just being nice.
We should at least look at it.
You know it's some quality stuff.
Robyn, no. We ain't nobody's charity case.
Relax. No.
It's Christmas. Stop being a Grinch.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
So you texted your penis?
SHELBY: I mean, it's not packaged in any briefs or anything like that?
Just raw penis?
I call it a stimulus package.
Oh, boy. (ALL LAUGHING)
HARPER: You remember back in the day,
if we wanted to see Booty, we had to either cop Playboy magazines
or get late-night cable?
And now porn is just on your smartphone.
(COUGHING)
Are you okay?
I'm good. ROBYN: You sure?
Yes.
I don't know. It's kind of freaky,
but it's playful and fun. Here we go.
Between you and your mate, it's fine.
I'd do it.
And pregnancy sex is the bomb.
Okay, Joe, I'm eating.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What about you, Candy?
Oh, no. You're not catching my coochie on Youtube.
My momma would be mortified.
She would be. Right?
Yes, she would.
Really?
You know what? She's doing it again.
I am about five minutes off her motherfucking ass.
MIA: God is good, you all.
You know, you all being here is a gift.
It's the best Christmas gift I've ever had.
HARPER: That's so sweet.
I love all of you. And Harper? Forget your agent.
I'm pretty sure your new book is going to be absolutely wonderful.
What? Whoa! What new book?
No, it's nothing. SHELBY: Yeah, Harper, what new book?
What's this one about?
Did Jordan steal this one too?
Mmm-mmm. Not this time.
Well, I never did, but Mia is exactly right. It's going to be brilliant.
And Lance... HARPER: Jordan.
No, no, no. Lance is not gonna...
You're not gonna like this one, either. This one's different and...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Everybody, I'll just put it out there.
My last book was not the bestseller that I thought it would be.
So there, I just put it out on the table.
Well, you know what they say. Every setback is a setup for a comeback.
Oh. Who said that? Dr. Seuss?
No, your momma said it when she had you. That's who said it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, my momma? We're taking it to the streets. Wow.
So, Robyn, how about that dessert?
Dessert!
Dessert. MIA: No.
No. No dessert yet. Not until we do our talent show.
Oh, no. If we have to sit through those children...
I'm gonna need something stronger than this.
No, it's not the kids. It's air band.
Air band?
(GIRLS CHEERING)
SHELBY: Oh, my God!
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay.
All righty, now.
All right.
(WHOOPING)
Oh, my God!
JORDAN: All right.
(LIP-SYNCHING) On a perfect day.
I know that I can count on you...
All right, Lancie.
Go, Lance!
When that's not possible.
CANDACE: That's you, Mia.
Tell me, can you weather the storm?
'Cause I need somebody.
Who will stand by me.
Through the good times and bad times.
She will always.
Come on, baby. Yes, baby.
Always be right there.
Sunny days.
Everybody loves them.
Tell me, baby, can you stand the rain?
Get it, baby. Get it.
Storms will come.
I know, I know all the days won't be perfect.
Tell me, can you stand it?
Can you stand the rain?
I can't stand it.
You know what? You need help!
What? I was into it.
They're clean.
No pressure, no pressure from me, baby
'Cause I want you and I need you.
And I love you, girl.
Shit!
Yes!
Will you be there for me?
Come on, baby, let's go get wet.
You still got it.
All right, y'all better work.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Long shot.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
(SHRIEKS)
(LAUGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But you made me like this.
HARPER: I just don't understand why you would do something like that.
Mia asked, and I mentioned it.
I didn't know she'd make it a topic of discussion.
I know, but I specifically asked you not to.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Well, then why did you let Jordan know about your "epic failure"?
What?
She's... It was about Lance.
Lance? What about...
You mean about his bio?
Oh, Harper. Is that why we're here?
NYU fired me.
What?
Budget cuts.
Why would you keep that from me?
Because I didn't want to worry you.
I didn't want to stress you out.
I was desperate.
Desperate for what? We're fine.
We're not...
We're not fine.
I haven't written a bestseller in years.
And our insurance is shit.
And these fertility treatments...
We're supposed to be in this together.
I'm scared.
I'm scared, too.
But it's not my fault what happened before.
I didn't say it was your fault. That's how you act.
Well, you act like nothing happened.
You act like nothing... And the doctor told you to take it easy,
and you're always working, and...
And I'm afraid we're gonna lose this...
Stop it.
I can have this baby.
Don't you think I doubt myself sometimes, too?
Why couldn't I carry my babies?
What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you.
You sure about that?
I'm not going to be famous,
run a network or make a ton of money.
Robyn.
I know who I married.
Then act like it.
I try really hard.
I try really hard to be positive and supportive.
But sometimes I need that, too.
I'm sorry.
You have to stop sneaking around.
If you want to do Lance's bio, then ask him.
No matter what he says, it's going to be okay.
You have to believe that.
(URINATING)
Oh...
Jesus.
Shelby, what the hell are you doing?
I'm using the bathroom.
Julian.
You seem so stressed.
I am.
And this is not helping.
I'm sorry.
Any luck finding a new donor?
Not for the entire amount, no.
Well, I might be able to help.
Why don't we just get together and talk about it and have dinner?
Dinner? Yeah.
I mean, I have to see a business plan.
Can't we just have lunch sometime?
I'm sorry, honey.
My money, my terms.
Wear something nice.
Shelby, Shelby, wait.
(SMACKS LIPS) Hmm.
God bless you.
Merry Christmas.
(COUGHING)
Mia.
Go back to bed.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Cancer?
How long have you known?
About a year now.
Well, have you tried everything?
You name it.
Traditional, holistic, experimental.
It's just aggressive.
Why haven't you told any of us?
Honestly, I...
I've been trying to find the right moment
to say something, but everything...
It's been so beautiful and I didn't want to ruin it.
Other than our folks, we haven't told anyone.
The kids know that their mommy is sick, but...
They don't understand what's about to happen.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't talk like that now.
Listen. I'm doing my best to be at peace with this.
But I need your help.
Lance, he hasn't come to terms with this.
And when it hits him that I'm...
(SIGHS)
I need you to be there for him.
He needs you. And you need him.
LANCE: Mia.
Harper knows, honey.
Why don't you go back to bed, sweetie?
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Get some rest. Okay.
Lance, I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything. Just keep it to yourself.
We're not trying to make a big deal out of this.
But this is a big deal.
How do you expect me to... It's what we want.
Besides, you're good at keeping secrets, right?
Well, there's got to be something else you can do.
I mean, you can't give up.
We're not giving up.
It's God's turn. He'll see her through this.
We're praying every day.
You're praying? Are you serious?
Mmm.
So you're still that guy, huh?
"Sometimes you got to step out on faith." You remember?
Or was that just some bullshit that you were feeding me then?
No, no. You're right. I'm sorry.
Don't be. Mia's going to be fine.
We are all going to bear witness to a miracle.
You'll see.
Get some sleep. Yeah.
CANDACE: Baby, can you just...
Baby, move your leg.
Okay, here we go.
Stop, stop. Candace?
Candace. Stop. What?
What? Just stop.
What is the matter?
I thought I heard something.
No. I didn't hear anything. Yeah.
I think the kids...
The kids are sleeping.
Come on, baby.
Please, just lie there and relax.
Sure. Okay.
Yes.
And let Candy take care of you. Okay?
(CAN DACE MOANING)
Is that what you used to say to your customers?
What did you just say?
CANDACE: Girls! JULIAN: Candace.
Girls! Candace!
Keisha! Kelly! Girls!
Candace, wait. Wait! Why?
Everyone already knows I'm a ghetto-ass
dick-sucking, stripping ho! Right?
Yes! We do.
MIA: Shelby! Really?
Keisha, Kelly, go get your stuff. Come on, Kelly.
Hurry up! Go!
And, bitch, you best not say another motherfucking word!
"Motherfucking word."
Upstairs. Trick!
No! I am not staying here! Let's go upstairs!
Can somebody please tell me why he chose this five-dollar ho over me?
Shut up, Shelby! Just shut up!
You shut up, Julian!
Shut up. No. You fucking shut up, bitch!
You were a fucking finalist on Flavor of Love All-Stars!
You tongue-kissed nasty-ass Flavor Flav
on national fucking television, whore.
Yeah, but I didn't swallow dick for tips, you dirty skank.
Yes, you did. You lonely, miserable bitch!
It's called fucking alimony!
JULIAN: Oh, my God! MIA: Shelby!
Fucking bitch! Oh, my God.
Jesus!
Get off of me!
Fuck you! Stop. Stop!
You dirty bitch! Fuck you!
Dirty bitch! Let me go!
Shelby, stop!
Lance! Get off of me!
Please! Please. Stop it!
Are you happy now?
(GRUNTS) LANCE: Shelby.
CANDACE: Come on, girls! Now! ROBYN: Candace?
CANDACE: Let's go! ROBYN: Candace.
I'm so sorry.
Just get your stuff. KEISHA: I don't wanna go. I like it here.
Mommy? What?
Are you okay?
On, baby...
Honey, I'm sorry.
Don't cry, baby.
This doesn't feel like Christmas to me.
Oh, baby. Mommy's sorry, honey.
Mommy's sorry.
Mia? Babe.
Mia?
Mommy's sorry.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
What did you say?
No, I'm good. I'm sorry.
Thought you were... Said something.
Man, you know what? Look on the bright side, man.
If you and Candy ever get into some money problems,
you might be able to put her in the ring.
She's got a hell of a right hook.
(CHUCKLES)
Million Dollar Baby.
Wow.
You're an asshole.
I'm an asshole? You're an asshole!
What did I do?
No wonder you hooked up with Shelby. You two deserve each other.
You're like two sides of the same coin.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you gave her that video on purpose.
That shit hurt my feelings, man.
And lucky for you, you do know better.
Yeah? How am I supposed to know better, huh?
You just love stirring the pot.
Watching people sweat and squirm.
Just like you did years ago with Harper's book.
Whoa. Hey. Don't bring... You don't got to talk about that.
Always messing around!
What Harper put in his book ain't got shit to do with me!
You put yourself in this predicament.
Shelby had it out for Candy
the moment she got there. Q. Come on, man.
And it was your bama ass that married a stripper!
Deal with it. Damn it.
Ah! Praying Mantis!
(GRUNTING)
Fucking Murch!
Yo! Hey!
He's biting me! He's biting me!
I'm Tiger Claw!
Hey, hey. Hold up.
You don't use Screaming Monkey!
You can't use Monkey Paw! That ain't fair! I'm sick of you!
Y'all need to act like you got some sense!
No Monkey Paw! Take your hat!
Screaming Monkey! You call her stripper again,
I'll Screaming Monkey all over your ass!
Y'all mess up my saddle,
you're gonna be Monkey Pawing your asses back to the house!
JULIAN: I'm sorry, Lance! QUENTIN: No Monkey Paw.
JULIAN: Just don't mess up his stuff, man! QUENTIN: No Monkey Paw!
Get off me! I hope you die.
Ho ho ho! (GIRLS LAUGHING)
Merry Christmas!
Hope, honey, can you hold still?
I am holding still, Mommy.
Um... (COUGHS)
Faith, can you help your sister?
Here, let me hang your ornament.
(KIDS GIGGLING)
Mia. Come on, girl. We're gonna be late for our massages!
Oh, my God. Mia!
Mommy?
Mommy? MIA: Hey, honey.
Are you okay?
(SNIFFLING)
No.
It's not okay.
Come on, you guys. Let's watch TV. Mommy's okay.
Come on. It's okay.
It's not fair.
Hey.
What about my babies?
God damn it.
(SOBBING)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(INDISTINCT)
This is something we are really, truly excited...
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
What's happening, Joe? What's going on?
Uh...
Don't bullshit me, man.
I'll be back when I'm back.
I don't care! Make an excuse.
No! No one gets to see this!
Goddamn onions.
Shit.
You just need to get some rest,
and I will wake you when the rest of the fam gets here, okay?
Okay. Thank you.
Get some sleep. Okay.
(SOBBING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Come on, y'all. I'm fine.
It's cool. I'm good. No, Murch.
LANCE: I appreciate you all.
QUENTIN: Love you, man. We got you.
"Harper: " In a world beyond the skies, children live a wonderful existence
"before choosing their parents."
"That's right. Children choose their parents."
"But these aren't ordinary children."
"They're Zodiacs."
"Archer was a fearless Zodiac"
"who spied a couple in Harlem who for so long wanted a baby."
"But no Zodiac had ever chosen them."
"But why? They seemed like good people."
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(COUGHING)
Damn.
You're ruining my good-girl image.
I won't tell if you don't.
Puff.
Pass.
Déja vu, huh?
Your mom.
I was 13.
And my daddy.
He just kept working, you know. That's what he does.
"Got to make the money, got to make the money,"
"got to make the money."
It's funny. She just... She was so strong like you.
And she never let anybody know that she was sick, you know.
One day she was there, and then...
Hey.
Who's going to be around for you, Q?
Somebody.
I don't know.
I'm alone, but I ain't... Trust me, I ain't lonely.
I appreciate you, brother.
And I love you, sis.
Amen.
Hey.
You Okay?
Not really.
You talk to Candace?
Text.
I hate texts.
How's Kennedy? Is she okay?
Despite how bad a mother I am?
Yes. I didn't say that.
I did.
I don't have one maternal bone in my body.
All I do is criticize her because she's not me.
Who the hell am I?
That is such a loaded question.
Thanks for the compassion, honey.
I'm not your honey.
I'm not here for you like that anymore, Shelby.
I'm sorry.
This night couldn't get any worse.
That medicinal weed is no joke.
Ugh! I was wrong.
It's dark.
(CHUCKLES)
HARPER: WOW.
JORDAN: You like it?
Yeah. How did you do this?
Once I understood what was really going on with your book,
I wanted to inspire you.
Actually one of Brian's colleagues put the mock-up together.
B-Mac.
What could have been, huh?
Mmm.
Do me a favor and after you send me a copy,
just make sure you delete that.
Because I don't want it to be taken out of context.
Well, you can delete it yourself.
Merry Christmas.
For real?
Yeah. It's about time you caught up with the rest of the world.
I don't know. There's something about pen and paper.
It's just...
When I'm finished, I know it's real.
I can touch it.
Mmm. I get that. It's like your baby.
Yeah.
Yeah. That used to be one of my favorite metaphors.
Mmm.
I'm sorry, hon.
You're fine. You're fine. Don't worry about it.
You must be hyped to get to Hawaii, huh?
I don't know.
Kind of doesn't feel like I should be going anywhere.
Oh, right.
I don't think I can leave until...
Hey, hey.
I'm losing my best friend.
I know.
And she tries, you know. She calls, she emails.
And I'm just, Jordan's always just too damn busy.
You didn't know.
I should have known.
Now, I just feel like I'm just too late. You know, I just feel like...
(SOBBING)
Now I just feel like I'm too late and what...
It's okay.
You are here now.
So is she.
As long as she's still here, you're right on time.
I love you, Harper. Love you, too.
I love you, too.
(SIGHS)
Wait, Robyn. This is...
Oh, no. Shit. Robyn?
Robyn, please, it's not what you...
I know Mia's sick!
Robyn, be careful.
Robyn. Leave me alone.
Listen to me. I swear. Robyn?
I swear, Robyn.
What? What could you possibly swear?
That I didn't see what I thought? That it's complicated?
Well, yeah, kind of...
Am I making too much noise?
No, no, man. You're good. Yeah.
Okay.
It was third and long in Dallas.
Cowboy Nation was in a frenzy.
I was nervous, excited.
Iso lead was the play.
Took it right up the gut. Pow.
Knocked the snot out of me.
But not before I moved those chains. First down.
Cowboy Nation just fell silent.
You're a bad man.
Yeah, it felt good, man. It felt good.
I knew I belonged then.
You couldn't stop me from bragging, boy.
Then you came up that week after that. Remember?
Yeah, with Murch.
That's a weekend I will never forget.
On the bus we came up.
Yeah, man. But we had good times.
Once you guys got there we had a good time.
Yeah, we did.
And Quentin was crying about...
Because somebody threw up in his brand-new...
Yeah, it was Murch. Murch threw up.
Q was mixing his drinks.
He paid for that.
Do you mind taking this Turkey over there?
You want this one or this one? That one is good.
You sure that's not too heavy for you?
I can handle it. I can handle it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTING)
Merry Christmas. Here you go.
QUENTIN: Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
Oh! (GIGGLING)
Is he drunk?
Everybody having a good time here? WOMAN: Very good.
Lemon or red velvet? Red velvet.
Okay. There you go.
That's a special lady you got there.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Why don't you stop staring so hard, brah?
Look like that thirsty-ass freshman you were
before I had to raise your game up.
Oh, come on. I was not that bad.
Hi. It's all going so well.
I remember you gave me a crib sheet.
Looks like old times over there.
Thanks, Uncle Quentin.
Can I leave now? SHELBY: Good night, LJ.
Get out of this doggone suit.
Don't take it off yet. Kennedy likes light-skinned Santa.
So does her momma.
Good night, Quentin.
You know you wanna sit on Santa's lap. Shut up.
L. Can I get a ride with you, man?
I got you, man. I'm hitting the bathroom first.
Hey, babe. Hey.
I'm gonna go warm up the car. All right? Okay.
ROBYN: Julian? Murch-Murch.
Julian, would you mind giving me a ride back to the house?
Sure. Thanks. I'll be in the car.
I'm floored. I'm amazed.
You know what they say, "The Lord works..."
"In mysterious ways." "God, Family, Football"?
What the hell is this?
Oh, no.
Uh...
God. Lance, this isn't what it looks like.
I invited you to my house!
I let you back in. I let you back in and...
MIA: Wait a minute, Lance. Now. At this time.
No. You wait a minute. Look at this.
Don't read that. "First pro yards, guiding principles..."
Trying to get at my kids!
Lance! All that bullshit, babe.
Just go to the car.
You let me handle this. You hear me?
I got this.
Mia... Don't you say a motherfucking thing to her.
You ain't nothing but a goddamn snake in the grass.
That's what you are.
You stay away from me. You stay away from my family!
Forever this time. You hear me? Forever!
Come on. Calm down.
Just... Let's go.
Listen. I can't believe I...
Lance, talk to me. Little sneaky snake.
No, no. I'm done talking. Just get in the car.
(ENGINE STARTING)
What did you do now?
ROBYN: Can you put that in the car?
And you think it'll fit with the luggage?
Yeah. Perfect. Yeah? Okay.
BOTH: Daddy!
What the!
Hello!
Oh, my gosh!
I missed you so much!
Look at you.
How was Grandma's? Was it fun? GIRL: Yes.
Hey, girls, you want some hot chocolate?
BOTH: Yes!
Mommy, can we?
Please, please, please!
Just for a little while.
BOTH: Yay!
Can we talk?
I am going to resign, Julian.
Absolutely not.
No.
Candace, listen to me.
The school does not work without you.
We can find another way. Together.
Listen. I don't care what happened.
Because I love you.
(SNIFFLING)
I needed the money. Okay?
Okay.
And for the record, it was once.
I was young and I was stupid,
and I was drunk! Babe...
Stop.
But I have moved on
and I am those girls' mother.
And Julian,
I am your wife. Come to me first.
Yes, baby. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You and those girls are my entire life.
Just please forgive me.
Please.
I guess. Baby
I love you, Julian.
I am so sorry.
CANDACE: I love you.
Lance, calm down.
How can I calm down?
I let my guard down. I let my guard down!
I got sucker-punched. Again!
We don't know the full story...
I know enough of the story. You think you do.
But we won't know until we speak with Harper.
No. Fuck Harper! Fuck him!
Right.
There it is.
What?
You're so filled with anger that you...
And it's all aimed at him, but we all played a part in it.
No. No, Mia.
We have never had this discussion before,
and we are not about to start right now!
Tell me how angry you are at me.
I deserve it.
No.
I knew what I was doing.
I knew I was wrong.
And I knew it would hurt you.
And I'm sorry for that.
And I'm sorry that I chose him.
It's my fault what it's done to you two.
And I can't rest knowing that you're still holding on to this.
You chose him?
It's weighing you down. You need to let go.
You need him.
I don't need him.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
You need to forgive.
I will never forgive him.
I need you to.
Lance, look at me.
I called us a car, man.
You should go on.
I'll probably just end up staying here or something.
That was some melodramatic shit.
Guess you're off your high horse now, ain't you?
So, you're just gonna kick me when I'm down, huh?
I told you, karma's a bitch, man.
I deserve this.
No. Ain't nobody deserve misery.
But it's just your turn now.
See, that's exactly why I don't tell people shit.
And how's that helped you?
Look, your marriage is on the rocks,
you tried to exploit your best friend for financial gain,
and you got a low sperm count.
I don't have a low sperm...
(CHUCKLING)
Oh. Fuck it.
Don't lie to Santa.
And don't be embarrassed, man.
It's just weird.
Because you rarely hear about brothers
in the hood with fertility issues.
Especially with "Baby mama drama this",
"and baby mama that." I get it. I get it.
What I'm saying, Joe,
no matter how big of a fiasco today was with Lance,
you're gonna be all right, man.
How can you be so sure?
Because I'm Q, baby.
Now, seriously, do you need something?
We're worried about you, man.
Do you need some money?
Yeah.
I got you. Okay?
You just got to promise me one thing. Yeah?
Just one time, call me Daddy.
(LAUGHING)
Come on, Joe. Let's go home, man.
Shit.
I love you, man.
(SINGING) O holy night.
The stars are brightly shining.
It is the night.
Of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world.
In sin and error pining.
Till he appeared.
And the soul felt its worth.
A thrill Of hope.
The weary world rejoices.
For yonder breaks.
A new and glorious morn.
Fall.
On your knees.
O hear Hear.
The angels' voices.
O night.
Divine.
O night.
When Christ was born.
O night.
O holy night.
O night divine
(KIDS GIGGLING AND CHATTERING)
JORDAN: Hey. Looks like we're playing an epic game of phone tag.
I can't say that I'm liking it.
Listen, Brian, I'm really sorry for what I said.
I miss you. And I wish you were here.
Merry Christmas.
Hello?
Hi.
Damnedest thing, none of my devices were working, so...
Baby.
LANCE: I'm not going to play today.
Don't try to change my mind.
Honey... No, I need to be here for you.
Honey, this is your gift to the world.
It'll touch so many people and lift so many spirits.
Baby, you're gonna be known as the greatest ever to...
No. No. I don't care about that.
You are the only thing that I care about right now.
This just isn't fair, babe. It's not fair.
It's his Will.
You have been so strong.
And I didn't think...
I didn't allow myself to think that...
Go play.
Go play and make us proud.
I'll be here when you get back.
I promise.
LANCE: And you never thought to just ask?
Yeah, you're right. I should not have come here and been dishonest.
Yeah, you think?
But you know what? I'm glad I did.
Yeah.
Because in the past couple of days,
we've talked more than we have in years.
I mean, we used to be best friends.
And now, I...
I want that back.
And I think you do, too.
This has nothing to do with a book or...
You're my boy.
And I miss you.
Why should I believe you?
Because all I have is my word.
Literally.
It's all I've got.
She wants me to play today.
That actually makes sense to me.
In what way? How?
Because it's you, Lance.
God, family, football.
Did you pray on it?
My mind's made up.
I think Mia's mind is made up too.
She pretty much trumps you right about now.
You're not just playing for you, or your team or the fans.
You're playing for all of us.
I mean, you know, not me, but...
You play for Mia.
August, Hope,
little LJ and Faith!
And on Christmas you play for him.
I hate you, man.
I really hate you.
I know.
But you'll hate yourself more if you don't ask him.
You should ask him.
He listens to you.
Do you need me to pray with you?
Hold your hand? Read Scripture?
Man, get the hell out of here.
Okay. I'm not even here.
(SIGHS)
(ON TV) Hi, everyone, I'm Greg Gumbel alongside Eddie George,
and we are live this evening,
for the New York Giants and the Atlanta Falcons.
A game that will not only determine the division,
but could be a significant step
for the ageless veteran Lance Sullivan.
EDDIE: Ageless is right, Greg.
And tonight he is poised to break the all-time rushing record.
GREG: 176 yards is a tall order.
EDDIE: Well, miracles do happen. It's Christmas.
GREG: The give is to Sullivan.
Hit at the line of scrimmage. Driven back.
That will be a loss of two on the play.
Atlanta's saying it's not going to be easy tonight.
They're going to make it a point to stop him hard.
GREG: Second down now and 12.
Ellis. Screen to the left side.
And Sullivan is run over at his own 10 yard line!
That's a loss of another eight.
The Dirty Bird defense is nasty, physical.
They're all over Lance at this point.
They're going to make it very hard to get this rushing record.
GREG: Third down and 20.
The give is to Sullivan. Left side.
What a move to the outside!
Breaks free across the 20.
Across the 30!
(GRUNTING)
Hit! And he lost the football.
Covered by Atlanta!
He's definitely in the Christmas spirit.
Giving away the football to that Atlanta defense-
And a frustrating evening continues for Lance Sullivan.
Jordan, could you hand me the phone, please?
Come on, Dad.
Hold on to the football! Let's go!
MAN 1: You ain't breaking no records like that!
GREG: And that frustration
boiling over now on the sideline. (CELL PHONE RINGING)
You cannot do that.
Mia, is everything okay?
No, we're... I don't think I...
Get those cameras out of my face!
Okay, okay, I will try.
You suck!
Lance, Lance? First off, thanks for the seats.
The seats are amazing, the game looks great.
Mia's on the phone for you.
What's up, baby? You okay?
No, I'm just... Yeah, I'm trying to focus.
MAN 2: Get off the phone, man!
Everything okay?
Come on, D! Big down right here! Big down!
Give me the ball, Coach.
You're done, L. Take a seat.
Coach, give me the ball.
GREG: With a half that he and his team
would like to forget behind him now,
Lance Sullivan lines up again in the backfield.
EDDIE: He's going to have to turn it on in order to get a victory,
and walk away with the rushing record.
GREG: The give is to Sullivan. Up the middle,
skips a tackler, dodges another tackler. Stiff-arm!
And he's off to the races!
Breaks free in the open field.
Come on, baby.
Twenty, 10, 5... Come on, come on!
Touchdown Giants!
EDDIE: And a beautiful run by Lance Sullivan.
Sullivan, 65 yards.
He must have bathed in the fountain of youth at halftime.
Girl, what did you say to him?
I told him what I wanted for Christmas.
Well, it worked.
All you, baby!
GREG: Lance Sullivan is just eating up yardage.
He is attacking this Atlanta defense.
That's what I'm talking about!
This is a night you live for as a running back.
Is that a 15-year veteran doing that?
Did you see that, Murch? It was like this!
ANNOUNCER: 26-yard gain. First down.
Yeah, that's right! Let's go, boy! I'm young! I'll be back!
Yeah, let's go!
GREG: Sullivan out of the backfield, takes the pass.
EDDIE: He's got a chance to get this record break.
GREG: Timeout Atlanta. We'll be back.
J?
Mmm.
Do you remember Janice Burroughs?
Three years behind, Pocahontas hair,
real pretty, smooth cinnamon skin.
She had a big ol' Booty and she used to smile like this.
(CHUCKLES)
I know exactly who you're talking about. I hated her.
Me, too!
Well,
Lance can get remarried, but not to her.
You got me?
Yeah.
Okay.
GREG: This has been an unbelievable second half for Lance Sullivan.
KIDS: Yes!
AUGUST: Go on, Dad.
I don't want to let you down, Mia.
Look at them.
Titi J,
you are their godmother for a reason.
And you have to be open to love.
Okay?
Got it.
You're going to be fine.
GREG: Seven seconds on the clock.
Fourth and goal. The Giants down five.
A touchdown here wins it.
ALL: Break.
EDDIE: Greg, as a player, this is the moment that you live for.
Fourth and goal. It's going to come down to who wants it the most.
GREG: The defense shifts.
Here we go.
Okay.
Come on, man, come on!
Red 80!
Go!
The snap.
The give is to Sullivan.
To the right side.
Hit inside the five by two defenders.
Still on his feet!
Three defenders!
Sullivan looking for the end zone!
(GRUNTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Touchdown!
(ALL CHEERING)
Touchdown Giants, touchdown Sullivan.
And with that carry,
Lance Sullivan breaks the all-time rushing record.
What a gift to the fans.
Did you see that, Mom?
Yeah. Daddy did it. He did it.
GREG: You mentioned it earlier, Eddie,
a leader of his team, in his community, in the league!
A faithful family man who has always
displayed a level of professionalism
since he came into the league as a Heisman winner...
I love you, babies. I love you too, Mommy.
LJ: Love you, Mom.
You did it, L-Boogie!
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
We got to go, we got to go.
(SIREN WAILING)
I love you.
KIDS: Daddy!
Daddy, you were... You scored 100!
You were so good.
LANCE: You guys saw the game?
GIRL: It was so good!
(WHISPERS) I love you.
I'm glad you guys saw it.
You're good every time. Thank you.
Come, little ones. Give Mommy and Daddy time.
Hi.
Hey.
You did it.
Yeah.
I did it.
My hero.
I love you, Lance Sullivan.
I love you. I love you so much.
Merry Christmas.
Hey. I'll see you over there.
Hey, Harp. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Harper.
Hi, Julian.
Listen, before I'm all crazed and hopped up on Valium,
I wanted to give you this.
What's this?
It's your Christmas miracle.
Shelby, I can't. You can. And you will.
Just one condition.
Can we just arrange some playdates for the girls?
Sure.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
(SINGING) As around the Sun the Earth knows she's revolving.
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May.
Just as hate knows love's the cure.
You can rest your mind assured.
That I'll be loving you always.
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky.
See, always.
Until the ocean covers every Mountain high.
Always.
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea.
Always.
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream.
Did you know true love asks for nothing?
Mia Morgan Sullivan.
Excuse me.
Mia Morgan Sullivan
was one of the greatest people any of us has ever known.
Even though none of us wanted to believe she would be here,
she knew.
She knew she would.
Take your time.
Come on, babies.
She made sure that we would all be here, too.
Not to mourn death,
but to celebrate life.
Being with her in the days leading to her home-going,
was the greatest gift any of us have ever received.
Because of her,
we are friends for life.
Because of her, we're family.
Kennedy, where...
HARPER: Mia was, and is an angel.
It's tragically ironic that the day we received the Son of God,
he called one of his daughters home.
I know that God has a plan.
I know.
But this one...
This one is really hard to accept.
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFLING)
She can't go.
No, she can't go, she can't go.
She can't go, she can't.
She can't go.
It's all right.
It's okay.
Baby, do you want me to fix you a plate? The potato salad is great.
Have you seen my mom?
(SIGHS)
Why do we keep doing this?
Who knows?
Maybe it's in the stars.
Quentin, we're both emotional right now.
This is not a love connection.
What if it is?
I wonder what would happen if...
If you and I really gave it a shot.
Oh, hell no.
Where's my underwear?
You didn't wear any.
Oh, yeah.
That was nice.
You're disgusting.
Hey, L.
Robyn and I are about to take off.
Do you need anything?
No, I'm good, man, thanks.
Okay.
That was a great eulogy, man.
It was perfect.
Thanks.
Whatever he's doing up there,
I don't know, I just don't think it's fair, man.
I don't think I can have faith in something like that.
I hear you, man.
But he's always there.
That's why you'll always be the better man.
Thanks for the baby clothes.
And keep in touch.
All right.
I'm going to go to the kitchen. Do you need anything?
I'm fine, honey. Thanks.
Baby, I know you're fine.
Oh, hey, Julian, I talked to a couple of people,
I might have some leads for you if you're interested.
There's always next year, sure!
Excuse us, ladies.
He is a cutie-pie keeper.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes, he is.
I love him.
Yeah, I love him.
Uh-huh. I can tell!
(EXHALES)
Are you okay, Robyn?
Yeah, I'm fine, I just... Oh!
Oh, my God, you're ¡n labor.
ROBYN: No, no, I'm not.
Just help me up so I can go to the bathroom.
Oh!
Oh, my God, it's happening.
Harper!
(MOANING IN PAIN)
Okay. How far apart are the contractions?
They're about 10 minutes.
HARPER: She said about 10 minutes.
Lance, hurry.
We're about 45 minutes at least.
JORDAN: Just breathe, Robyn, just breathe.
Not anymore, Harp. HARPER: Oh, no.
What the hell?
Oh, Harper!
You're doing great. Just hang in there, baby.
Harp? Yeah?
Hop out. We got to talk.
(YELLS)
Okay, what's up? This baby ain't gonna wait, okay?
The contractions are too close. I'm gonna call my doctor.
He delivered all my kids and I trust him.
Okay, great. Hold on, Harp.
I got to check her cervix.
Come again?
He's gonna need to talk me through this
in case things get a little hairy.
I mean, critical.
I know, but you're not a doctor.
I know. Look, Harp,
I was there for all my kids. The nurses taught me how to measure.
And I know my way around a vagina.
It was a joke. Just trying to lighten the mood.
Okay, but the baby's breech.
I got you, Harp, okay? Everything's gonna be all right.
All right, I should tell Robyn.
I heard! Just do it! Let's go!
Robyn, I'm just gonna measure, that's all. Just gonna measure.
NELSON: (ON PHONE) How dilated is she?
About eight and a half, nine.
Robyn, you're doing great.
It hurts. I know.
Hang in there.
Lance, you're gonna have to deliver this baby.
(MOANS LOUDLY)
Oh, boy.
It's a breech baby, Doc.
Okay. Get here as fast as humanly possible, but if you can't...
Wait, you're breaking up, Doc.
Doctor Nelson! Doctor Nelson! No, no! Oh, God.
We must be in a bad area.
What the fuck? Yeah, you think?
(SCREAMING)
Move out of the way, Grandma!
Hang in there, baby.
Lance, I was supposed to have a C-section.
I didn't want to be cut, but I want you to cut me.
What? No, no, no, baby.
I'm talking to Lance. Okay.
No one's gonna cut you, sweetie. Everything's gonna be fine.
Right, Harp?
Right, Harp? Right, yeah.
Everything's gonna be fine, baby. All right? You're doing great.
Robyn, on this next contraction,
I want you to push, okay? Are you with me?
You're gonna push, okay? Okay.
Here it comes.
Push. (GRUNTS)
Okay, go. Push, baby, push!
Oh, shit!
How's she doing?
I got the feet.
He's got the feet. Feet!
He's got the feet. Oh, God! It's feet!
Just like Faith.
You're doing real good.
I got to find the cord. HARPER: Oh, my God.
Here comes another one.
No, no, no, don't push, okay? Just breathe.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Look at me, Robyn. Breathe.
Baby, I love you.
I am so in love with you, okay?
(HORN HONKING) Fuck you!
You're doing really great.
Lance, please.
Please.
CANDACE: Hang on, Robyn.
(BABY CRYING)
It's a girl.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
How you doing?
Hi, Mom. Are you okay?
ROBYN: God, she's beautiful.
She's beautiful.
Thank you.
WOMAN: She's beautiful.
I love you. I love you.
Hi. What's up?
What's happening, y'all?
Congratulations. Thank you.
You guys... Oh, my gosh!
Auntie Shelby's here!
Q, Q, Q!
Can we be in it, too?
Thank you, bro. Thank you, I appreciate it.
(BABY CRYING) "Let me go to Momma."
WOMAN: What's wrong?
Precious.
Hey, cutie.
You're adorable.
Perfect.
Cute little nose.
So precious.
ROBYN: Harper, you have a package.
LANCE: That's your first edition, huh?
Yeah, man.
Thank you, Lance.
Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
It's Q.
Put that fool on speaker, man.
What's happening, Q? We got you on speaker.
What up, Q? QUENTIN: Fellas.
Quentin's getting married.
Yeah! And Harp, I want you to be my best man.
But one thing.
You better not have fucked her.
(CRYING)
Yeah, it's time.
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)