[ laughter ]
Aah!
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good guy?!
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughter ]
With special guest bret michaels.
I'm ready.
Have you been injured in a supermarket accident?
Did you slip and fall into a food display
As a result of employee negligence?
Did you convince a stranger to act
As a witness to said accident?
I was horribly injured when I crashed through a food display.
Am I entitled to a large cash settlement?
Did a witness corroborate your story?
No.
Both: Then you lose.
Win with us.
Dial 555-55555-55555- 5555--
Fellas, we're back in a grocery roll.
I can't believe it.
Grocery roll. I'll never live that one down.
Because it doesn't exist.
We did an intro one time, and q said
"we're here at the grocery roll."
We're here at city acres supermarket
At the grocery roll,
Where we're gonna get strangers' attention by saying "psst."
And to this day, not one person
Understands what it was supposed to mean.
It's a speech impediment.
But it's not.
Murr, how do you like your new cheese puff endorsement deal?
I like it.
It's myshiney hiney cheese puffs.
Guys, can I point out the manager
Of the store today is simmy can't-stand-you-bitz
Right over there?
-Yes. -Look how stern he looks.
That's the same look he has on his face when we pitch him bits.
It's no coincidence, q.
[ laughter ]
Here we go.
Oh, my god. Be careful.
You see this whole thing?
They have a ladder right next to this
Cheese puff display.
That's terribly dangerous.
You could probably sue this place
For -- for millions of dollars, don't you think?
Yeah. It's just -- if I sue this place, can imagine that?
I could use that money. I'll tell you why.
"my wife needs braces."
My wife needs braces.
"but, like, everywhere."
But, like, everywhere.
"she needs a scaffold."
You know, she's needs -- she needs like
A scaffolding around her body.
You know how expensive braces are for your mouth.
Imagine your whole body.
Yeah.
I can't believe she's still engaging him.
You know what I should do?
I should fall and sue this place.
Hold on one second. Watch. Keep an eye, okay?
All right. Here we go. There we go.
Look how dangerous this is, right?
I'm just gonna get the top one.
Oh, hell. God.
Oh, no! Oh, cheese puffs!
[ laughter ]
What the hell?
Send in simmy.
What just happened here?
Some -- some jerk put a ladder next to the cheese puffs.
This is crazy. I probably broke something.
Your roll.
She saw it. She saw it, sir.
I went to grab the top thing
And the display, the whole thing fell.
Sir, you're gonna need to zip your lip for a second.
What happened?
It was an accident, right? Could have happened to anyone.
Thank god it was me and not this poor kid.
If you saw a ladder in the middle of a grocery store,
Would you get on it?
[ laughter ]
The kid doesn't -- he's a kid. He doesn't know anything.
Ask her. She saw it.
Do you think it was an accident
Or you think he did it on purpose?
Oh!
Q: That kid saw right through everything.
God damn these kids.
[ buzzer ]
Murr: Sal, that stack looks dangerous.
That stack of soft paper towels.
Now that I'm thinking about it, this makes no sense.
[ laughter ]
Here we go.
Let me ask you a question. Do you think this is safe
That they put a stack of -- no, right?
I got my kid running around here.
I'm like, "they could knock into that thing."
They're gonna blame it on me, right?
Or someone could trip and blame the store. I mean...
"I got an idea." "I could use the money."
We could all use the money, probably. I could use the money.
"my wife passed away during the tide pod challenge."
My wife passed away, full disclosure,
During the tide pod challenge thing.
[ laughter ]
I've been having trouble, like, making ends meet
Because she had a salary.
I could fall down into that thing and get a nice lawsuit.
I wouldn't do it, but unless -- you got my back?
Oh, yeah.
Really? Oh, cool. Cool.
Murr: Hey, here we go.
Here we go.
[ laughter ]
Send in the manager.
Are you okay?
These sharp, hard objects darted out in front of me.
[ laughter ]
I'm -- I'm hurt, actually.
I was walking. I didn't see this thing,
And I ended up falling over it.
Did you see what happened? Yeah, she saw it.
I'm gonna have to write up a report,
So do you mind just -- what happened exactly?
Whoa. What?
I noted that it could have been a hazard.
And you still just --
You just marched right into it?
Not just a -- I didn't March into it.
I tripped on it.
Murr: He's still falling.
[ laughter ]
Did he just do that on purpose?
What?
And why is that there?
My wife died during the tide pod challenge.
A cash settlement is in order.
That did not look very accidental.
Never mind the oranges.
I'll just take the settlement for the paper towels.
You saw him dive into the oranges, right?
Oh! She's got you.
This was an accident?
You'll fill out the form?
[ laughter ] oh!
There's good, honest people in this world still.
[ ding! ] q: Ohh! Well done.
Quick question for you. Murr: Yeah.
What the f?
What? It's jalapeño milk.
These are filled.
Yeah. I want to see your head immersed in the jm.
[ laughter ]
Here we go.
Have you ever heard of jalapeño milk?
That's what that says over there, jalapeño milk.
I'll tell you what else I don't like.
I don't like that that thing's out in the middle of the aisle
Where anybody could trip on it.
-Yeah. -Of course,
I could use the money from suing this place.
Oh, yeah. Murr: You know why?
I'll tell you why.
"I'm into my paper boy for two g's."
My paper boy. I'm in for two g's.
"he's gonna break my legs." he's gonna break my legs.
"and I'm gonna lose my staten island advance subscription."
And he's gonna cancel my subscription
To the staten island advance.
Wow.
What is your name?
Ray. Ray, do me a favor.
Hold on one sec. Sure.
All right. All right. Watch this.
You got to get my back, ray.
Murr: He's looking. He's looking.
Sal: Oh, my god.
Q: Oh!
[ laughter ]
Q: I could use the money from suing this place.
Ray: Oh, yeah.
You got to get my back, ray.
Murr: He's looking. He's looking.
Sal: Oh, my god.
-Whoa! -Oh!
[ laughter ]
He went head on.
Oh, that's terrible.
Let's send in the manager.
Sir, are you okay?
No, sir, I am not okay. I'm burning.
Why would somebody put jalapeños in milk?
-Oh, [bleep] [ laughter ]
What just happened here?
I was walking and I tripped on the jalapeño milk,
And I -- I spilled it all over the grocery roll.
And I'll tell you what, sir. I'll have your ass.
[ laughs ]
You saw what happened?
He saw it. He saw it.
My job could be on the line here.
Do you think this was an accident?
Or you think he did it on purpose?
No, that's -- that was an accident.
Oh, my god.
Oh, thank you, ray.
Definitely, yeah. I mean, people can get hurt.
People can get hurt. All right, I stand corrected.
And now there's all this milk! Ohh! Ohh!
[ ding! ] murr: All right, dial it back, buddy.
It's no accident.
Murr is first up on the loser board.
Today we're playing producers, and we've hired someone
To host a live product review.
Well, actually, boys,
We're about to play hide and seek.
In a minute, an employee's gonna come in
Searching for a yellow binder just like these.
First guy that gets caught loses.
The clock starts now. Hide!
What is he talking about?
And he stepped on my foot on the way out. [bleep]
Oh, is this real? Is this real?
Get your flashlight. What are we doing?
Wait, wait. I only heard it once.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
-Take it out. -Get my ear piece in?
Casey: Somebody's coming up now to search for a binder.
Did you know about this?
Yeah. I don't know about this.
Wait, when is someone coming?
Q: What are the places to hide?
Hide where?
Man: Anywhere you can find it.
Oh, [bleep] man.
I can't -- I can't fit.
You can't hide in here.
I'm too old.
There's nowhere to hide.
I got it.
Take your phone out and record with your phone.
Can I breathe if I go in the fridge?
Just hide.
I can't.
Aah!
Aaah!
Aaaaah!
Can I hide in here? All right. All right.
It's so hot in here. Oh, my god.
I'm gonna die.
There's nowhere to [bleep] hide.
Just -- this isn't --
Murr: That's a terrible spot.
They're gonna find me.
What is going on?
I'm laying on the floor in the open.
Man: Mark's walking in.
My boss called me. He's -- he's on his way.
I hear him. He's here.
If you could help me find the third yellow binder.
Anywhere in here?
Yeah, he -- he tends to misplace things like, really, wherever.
Oh, my god. It's so hot. My glasses are steaming up.
Murr, could you do everybody a favor
And shut the [bleep] up for a second?
Sal: I don't understand the motivation.
This man was hired to walk around an office building
To find three yellow folders.
He's trying to find the boss's yellow binder.
But what the -- I mean, what is this, like, "blue's clues"?
What does he think he's doing?
Oh, q, you're done. Q, you're done in one second.
He walked by the boxes
And then jostled them and then walked away.
Casey: Murr, he's right by you, murr.
He's going towards the kitchen.
♪♪
He just checked the fridge.
He checked the fridge. [ laughs ]
He's walking back.
He just passed the couch.
Oh, you're busted, sal. You're busted.
He sees you. I think he might see you, sal.
Sal, he sees you.
[ laughter ]
He sees you. He sees you.
He doesn't know what to do.
He just walked away.
He's really confused.
He's like, "yeah. Saw a body on the floor."
My glasses are fogged entirely.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
I mean, at this point, I would like it if the guy found me
So I can get out from under this desk.
Guys, I have no more room on my phone.
Delete some videos.
I'm not deleting videos.
Delete some cat videos.
I'm not deleting any cat videos.
You've got 50 gigabytes of cats.
Yeah, and I need every one of them.
This is the most you guys have spoken in [bleep] two weeks.
Shut the [bleep] up.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Casey: Yeah, he's looking right into a camera.
He thinks it's a security camera.
His face is hysterical.
Guys, my phone is now frozen.
How is this good television?
[ laughing ] I don't think it is.
♪♪
Guys, he's narrowing in. He's checking for murr.
-He's right in front of me. -He's right above him.
Oh, murr, your days are numbered.
Casey: He's checking for murr.
-He's right in front of me. -He's right above him.
Oh, murr, your days are numbered.
Hey, found it. There it is. There it is.
Found it. Yeah. Here it is.
You were looking for the yellow binder?
Guys, we found the yellow binder.
You can come out.
Hey.
[ laughter ]
[bleep]
Oh, my gosh.
You just sprung this on us and you lost.
I lost at my own game.
[ buzzer ] [ laughter ]
Murr can't hide from this one.
He's tonight's big loser.
-Hey. -Hey.
We are here at connoly's pub in times square
With rock 'n' roll legend,
Lead singer of poison, a dear friend of ours,
Bret michaels!
-Whoo! -Whoo!
So for your punishment tonight, you're gonna be seated
At this bar right here.
Okay. And we are going to be
Sending notes over to other customers on your behalf.
Okay.
All you gotta do is just go along with it.
Yeah. Because I love you, you're gonna suffer dearly.
[ laughter ]
Here we go.
We'll start with the two guys behind you.
Okay.
Cole, why don't you bring over that first note, bud?
So once the note gets delivered, you'll tell murray what it is.
It's good. It's good. [ laughter ]
The gentleman right here asked me
To drop this off for you guys.
Here we go. Here we go. What does it say?
"hey, if you're feeling froggy, then leap, mother [bleep]"
[ laughter ]
I can't look. I can't look.
-Look at his face. -Look at his face.
Murr, grab a napkin.
Oh, god. What do you want me to write?
Bret: How about this?
"I figured you wouldn't do nothing.
Stay seated, mother [bleep]"
[ laughter ]
You got to add "dot, dot, dot. Mother [bleep]"
Oh, my god. You're gonna get me killed.
Here we go. Here we go.
Sorry to interrupt. There's another one.
I can't look. I can't look.
-Oh, here it comes. -Ohh.
Murr, you're about to get pummeled
By two hollister models.
Sounds like college.
[ laughter ]
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Oh, my god. Bret: I might get to see murray
Thrown over that bar.
Good. How are you?
Oh, my god. They're both going over.
Oh, you got my notes? Great.
It's very nice to meet you two large gentlemen.
"models? Are you guys models?"
Hollister? You guys look like hollister models. No?
He's fired up.
Nice.
-It's incredible. -He's jacked.
Yes, he is.
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
-Holy shit. -When did you get here?
I just -- I'm a fan of the show,
So I wanted to come and watch.
What's going on up there?
Paul rudd just appeared.
Somebody said paul rudd's name three times,
And he just appeared.
That's right. I'm like the beetlejuice
Of "impractical jokers."
Hey, murr, why don't you go join them at the table now?
Ask them if they want to be hollister models.
You seriously were interested
In becoming a hollister model?
[ laughter ]
"gentlemen, today's your lucky day."
Gentlemen, today's your lucky day.
"my name's jimmy hollister."
My name is jimmy hollister,
And I'm heir to the hollister throne.
I feel like you have what it takes.
That was me testing your mettle.
[ laughter ]
We can start you with a standard one-year contract
At six figures.
"all you gotta do is beat me in an arm wrestling."
All you have to do
Is beat me in an arm wrestle.
Let's do it.
One, two, three.
Go, go.
Look at him. He's holding his own.
Murr, "how bad do you want the contract?"
How bad do you want to be a model?
Murr, look at the other guy and go,
"you're next, mother [bleep]"
You're next, mother [bleep]
[ laughter ]
-Oh, my god! -Oh, my god!
Get him, murray! Get him!
Good luck with abercrombie & fitch.
[ laughter ]
Bret: That was insane.
Uh, yeah, we should pay for their meal, I would say.
Yeah, I would pay for that.
I wouldn't.
[ laughter ]
All right, murr.
You see a couple there over your right shoulder?
Okay. That's who we're passing it to.
Garcon.
Oh, garcon.
Do you mind, garcon, just delivering --
Sal: Hold on, murr.
It also goes with that little sleeve right there.
Got it.
[ laughter ]
Bret: That's a hotel room key.
What are you doing to me today?
Murr, here's your note.
"room 203. The guy can watch."
Oh, [bleep]
[ laughter ]
I'm shaking.
Oh, oh!
Ripped it up. Murr, he ripped it up.
Guys, can we go back?
We got to turn the screws.
Let's send over some champagne.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
One glass.
Garcon, your most budget champagne.
To the lady, yes. Thank you.
Thank you, garcon.
-Don't even. -No, no.
-Don't even. -We really don't need want it.
-Get away from me. -Please don't.
Uh-oh.
[ laughter ]
Oh, man.
Oh, boy.
Want to walk over and say you're the manager?
Walk over, say you're the manager.
Just go, "hi, I'm the manager."
Oh, god.
Guys, I'm the manager. I heard there was a problem.
"look at my hat. Of course I'm the manager."
Look at my hat. I'm definitely the manager.
Get out of my face. Get out of my face.
-Free meal? -Get out of my face.
"get out of your face?"
Get out of your face?
[ laughter ]
Q: Murr, go get your room key back.
"it's my only one."
[ laughter ]
I'm going to head out. Could I get the room key back?
It's my only one, so I'm just gonna...
Sal: Just look at them.
Bret: Take the champagne. Take the champagne.
Take it and walk away. Cheers.
Murr, murr, "to missed connections."
To missed connections.
[ laughter ]
Bret: I'll drink to that.
We want this in more rapid succession.
Garcon.
Send the first note over.
I have a series of notes I'll be sending to the table,
So stay close by.
Can you deliver this first one to the gentleman?
Yes. Thank you.
Sal: All right, here we go, guys. Here we go.
Excuse me. Sorry for interrupting.
This gentleman right at the corner here,
He asked me to drop this note off for you guys.
What does it say?
"could you please switch seats with your wife?"
Why?
Bret: Oh, they got him.
Garcon, get garcon and send number two.
[bleep]
Garcon.
Q: Murr, you know what this note says?
It says "affair?"
Oh, my god.
Question mark.
Here's another one. Sorry.
Q: All right, murr, you know what this note says?
It says "affair?"
Sal: Oh, my god.
Question mark.
Here's another one. Sorry.
What is your problem?
We're married, you [bleep]
What's that?
-Ohh. -Ohh.
Sal: Pass the other note.
I don't want another message from him.
Get this guy out of here. Kick him out.
What's his [bleep] deal? Get him out.
Where's the manager? Kick this [bleep] guy out of here.
[ laughter ]
Go arm wrestle him.
[ laughter ]
-[bleep] -oh, no.
Is there any way they could just maybe
Send over several bowls of soup on him?
[ laughter ]
Bret: You could feel the tension. Like, that guy's --
He's still eyeing him. He's still eyeing him.
Q: Here comes the soup!
He's gonna pop. He's gonna pop.
Is that for us?
Excuse me.
We need to see a manager or someone.
Murr, they need the manager.
[ laughter ]
Murr, you're the manager, bud.
Bret: You're the manager. Go to it.
Paul: "you wanted to see me?"
Guys, I'm the manager of the restaurant.
Did you have a problem?
You're the manager and you're writing notes to us?
Q: Is the soup not to your liking?
Is the soup not to your liking?
What is happening right now?
Murr, murr, don't say anything. Just slink away backwards.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
He's just figuring that out now, everyone.
Murr? Yes?
Listen to me. We know we put you through the wringer.
Yes. And we know we have bret on the show,
And we're gonna send him out with you right now.
Okay.
Q: We let murray write the note.
All right. I'm in. I'm in.
-You get to write the note. -Wow.
-You get to go big. -I'm in.
-Get out there, bud. -I'm going, baby.
Q: All right, bret. Now, are you ready for this, buddy?
This is -- this is not gonna be easy.
Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready.
I have the note. All right.
Sal: Bret, call garcon.
Garcon.
This is a note from my friend bret
To the two ladies sitting over there.
Let them know it's from him.
Show us the note. What do you got? What's the note?
"I'm a rock star. Wanna [bleep]?"
[ laughs ]
Okay. So could you deliver it to them and say it's from him?
Make sure to do that.
All right, murr. Yeah.
Oh, murr, check it. Watch this, what's happening.
Sal: We've got a surprise guest for murr.
-Excuse me. -No, no.
The gentleman in the cap over there
Wanted to deliver this note.
Oh, my god.
[ laughter ]
Head over there, bret.
Bret michaels?
Oh, my god. I'm your biggest fan.
[ laughter ]
Did you know that's murr's wife melyssa?
Yeah, she's a huge bret michaels fan.
Could you sign my chest?
Oh, yeah. We got to get the chest.
Here we go. Right here is fine.
-He's gonna sign her chest. -I'm a professional.
Hold on. I get to do this slow and smooth.
Hold on.
-Write whatever you want. -Oh, I am.
I'm your biggest fan.
All right. All right.
Let go.
[ laughter ]
Why'd you have to full up so much of her chest?
Bret: It's nice. It's a nice cut.
[ laughs ]
Don't talk about my wife's cut.
Oh, murr, it's not over.
It's not over just yet.
We're not over. Here's what we're gonna do.
Here's what we're gonna do, all right?
Since you pretty much ruined everyone's meal,
Right, in this amazing place,
You're gonna serenade everybody.
So, murr, you got to sing a song entitled
"you're so hot I wanna heimlich you."
You ready?
[ playing the tune from "every rose has its thorn" ]
♪♪
♪ you were so hot ♪
♪ that I had to heimlich you ♪
♪ I saw you choking, I ran up to you ♪
♪ I said girl, I can save you too ♪
♪ was it something you ate ♪
♪ was it something you choked on ♪
♪ did food not go down right? ♪
Murray! Good job, bud. Good job, bud.
Best day of my life.