[ laughter, screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's your good guy!
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
♪♪
Narrator: With special guest pop music icon kesha.
Are you feeling anything?
You know that moment in a movie when two people meet
And immediately fall in love?
Yeah, we're going to try to do that today
In the park with strangers.
The catch is that each encounter is going to start
With the other guys giving us a bizarre line
That kicks off the romance.
The goal is to make a connection
Despite that awkward introduction.
And if you can't make a real connection, you lose.
Oh, meet cute.
It's a meet cute.
Q: Murr, where are you? Where is he?
Guys, we've got to convince people to fall in love
With us in the moment, right? -Yes, we do.
Well, everyone loves a cool cat.
-Yeah. -In the park.
Oh, my god.
Dude, it's 90 degrees outside.
Oh, you are gonna pay for that choice.
Why would you wear a hot leather jacket?
What are you talking about?
Leather is always in, man. Year round.
It's like the fonz.
Once again, it's another look
That I prefer to your normal look.
Who's not going to fall in love with this guy, right?
Yeah. I think you look pretty good.
All right, murr.
Oh!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
"oh, you stupid moron. Oh, I mean hi."
[ q laughs ]
You stupid [bleep] -- oh.
I mean hi.
[ laughter ]
I didn't realize it was --
I didn't realize you were so beautiful.
I'm sorry, listen, but you feel it.
You feel what I'm --
You feel what I'm feeling, though?
Do you feel what I'm feeling, though?
You feel it? Do you feel -- ayyy.
I'm sorry. I thought you were a [bleep] moron at first.
[ laughter ]
Didn't work.
Murr, are you regretting that jacket choice yet?
I'm sweating.
Take off the jacket, you idiot.
Leaning on a tree in a leather jacket.
You like b-roll from a karaoke video.
♪ rock in the tree tops all day long ♪
[ humming ] ♪ rockin' ♪
♪ rockin' robin ♪
[bleep] [bleep] oh!
Oh, my god.
Could you -- thank --
Oh, she's doing it. She's helping him.
Oh, my god. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
"oh, cowabunga, bitch."
[ laughs ]
Oh, my god.
Cowabunga, bitch.
[ laughter ]
Do you feel the connection that we have?
You didn't feel it?
She just rolled her eyes.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god, murr.
Third time's a charm.
All right, here we go.
[bleep] [bleep]
Oh, my god. I'm -- I'm so--
Thank you so, so much.
Sal: "donna, cancel my appointments today,
'cause this cowboy just found a horse."
Donna, cancel my appointments today
'cause this cowboy just found his horse, right?
[ laughter ]
What's your name?
Your name's "I gotta go"?
Would this help?
No, it doesn't help?
My name's james. Do you feel this?
[ laughter ]
Is it the collar?
It's the collar?
Not a single connection. No.
♪ rockin' robin, tweet, tweet ♪
[ buzzer ]
Murr: Here we go, sal.
Here we go, guys. Here we go.
All right.
Oh [bleep]
Uh-oh.
Oh, my god. Sorry. Sorry.
Sal, "in the name of the father, son, and holy piss."
The name of the father, the son, and the holy piss.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god. I know -- you're the --
She knows sal. You did that for nothing.
I was just going shopping for 75 oranges.
[ laughter ]
Oh, she's helping.
Hey, how you doing?
Aww. Aww.
[bleep]
Oh, oh! Q: There you go.
"whoa." whoa.
"I'd like to see that smile after a cleaning."
I'd like to see that smile after a cleaning.
No way. Yes, I would. Yes, I would.
-Nice to meet. -You, too, dude.
[ both groan ]
I have no luck here.
You might have had more luck if you had a soul, buddy.
[ laughter ]
I can't believe that you gave murray your soul.
-And rip those soles out. -Take the soles out of the shoe.
Or sell your immortal soul to me.
Take my soul.
[ cackles ] you fool!
Every turn you do is going to be just like this.
Oh, my god.
Here we go. Ready?
Q: All right, we got this.
No, no, no. Ah [bleep]
Hold on.
Q: She's in, she's in, she's in.
-Thank you. -"whoa."
Whoa.
"you're quick for a woman your size."
You're quick for a woman...
What?
...Your size. My size?
I -- no. Is there a connection?
[ laughter ]
I can't believe you said that.
Maybe -- okay, then.
Refuse that.
Q: What's the matter with you?
What are you doing? Thank you so much. Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
The orange matches your hair. It's very nice.
Oh, thank you. I just --
Oh, you just got it done?
Oh, he might be back in.
My name is sal.
Nice to meet you. I'm griselda.
When I said that you were quick for a woman your size,
I meant the perfect size.
Okay. Whatever you meant, it's fine.
Yeah, I meant a compliment, so...
Q: Good, sal.
We should go out for coffee or something sometime.
You have one.
She has coffee. [ laughter ]
Tea?
Tea, no. No?
Can I -- would you like -- you seem very tense.
I am very tense, yeah.
We've been here the whole day.
You're giving me anxiety. Oh, I'm not trying to give you anxiety.
I'm loosey-goosey. Would you like an orange?
No, I'm fine. Okay.
All right. Thank you. Very nice to meet you.
Did you feel any connection or...?
Okay. All right.
[ laughter ]
That's it. That's it. That's a thumbs down.
I thought I was going to get a connection.
Don't sell your soul!
All right. Okay. You know what?
We learned the key to this was a positive attitude.
-That's it. -So I'm going to --
I'm going to make -- I'm going to do like murray do.
Q, I have the utmost confidence in you.
All right, buddy.
Oh, shoot. Uh-oh.
[ laughter ]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Okay. Meet cute.
Sal: "whoa." whoa.
"how do you feel about younger men?"
[ murray laughs ]
How do you feel about younger men?
Sorry. Ow.
Ohh.
Sal: What happened?
She just hit my balls with an orange.
[ laughter ]
Man, and she kept walking.
Ohh, how is this going worse than sal's turn?
I'm having a good turn.
[ laughter ]
Oh, no. Oh, no, man.
Oh, geez, louise.
[ laughter ]
She didn't even want to go past you.
All right, get me the leather jacket.
Are you serious?
This is it, murr. I feel it.
You look good. Okay, here we go.
Ohh.
-Here we go. -Here we go.
Oh, thank you so much.
"yo." yo.
"ever heard of jerkmate?"
-"jerkmate"? -You ever heard of...
Q: Oh, thank you so much.
Sal: "yo." yo.
"ever heard of jerkmate?"
[ laughter ]
You ever hear -- jerkmate?
No?
I don't know. I don't --
I don't know what jerkmate is either. Okay.
Every single porn video starts with a woman going,
"ever heard of jerkmate?"
Oh! Oh.
All right, well, listen.
You ever heard of jerkmate?
No.
[ laughs ]
You feeling this?
In terms of what?
What do you think? You like my jacket?
I have -- I have a boyfriend. I don't know what --
Oh, you have a boyfriend? Yeah.
"has he ever heard of jerkmate?"
Has he ever heard of jerkmate?
[ laughter ]
Murr: What is -- what is this --
"so, you feeling the connection now?"
So -- so you're feeling it, right? You feel it.
-I guess so. -She said yes.
Oh, and that's a win.
That was so weird.
Strangest interaction I've seen in 10 years.
Narrator: Love wasn't in the air for murr and sal,
So they're first up on the loser board.
Today we're at the american dream mall
With professional wrestler and our friend --
No, no, no, no. We're not friends, tubby.
Ladies and gentlemen, just in case you are deaf, dumb, blind,
My name is maxwell jacob friedman,
And I'm better than you, and you know it.
Anyways, we'll be going head to head with him,
Asking shoppers to help us settle a ridiculous debate.
The catch is that the topics we're debating will be given
To us by the other guys.
And we'll have to get the shopper to agree with us
Over mjf no matter how strange our stance is.
Which they won't because I'm going to win.
♪♪
Sal: We are thrilled and lucky enough
To have mjf join us today.
Professional wrestling's, dare I say, greatest heel.
So you like tea, huh?
Don't talk to me. Yep, yep,
[ laughs ]
Yeah, mjf, I mean, we got you down here --
Who's this piece of shit in my ear?
That's sal.
Mjf, this was a make-a-wish thing, wasn't it?
Which one's this? Is this the bald --
This is the ferret--
Ferret-looking one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did we get ourselves into today?
Excuse me, miss. Would you care to have a free coffee?
-Sure. -Here you go.
You just got to settle a debate
That I've been having with my coworker.
Here's the thing. -"I say..."
I say...
Sal: "...Those chest chops..."
...Those chess chops that wrestlers do,
Like, you know, when they --
Like the ric flair ones where like, "pssh."
"...Do not hurt."
I say they don't hurt.
"and I can take five of them."
No.
[ laughter ]
Murr: You know where this is going, buddy.
I'm saying that the chops that wrestlers do don't hurt,
And I can take five of them.
Okay.
And, mjf, you say they do hurt and he can't.
And I say they do hurt and he can't. Now --
And to me, there's only one way to prove that.
I'm going to chop him in the chest five times.
Let's not do this.
And then you tell me
If you think it looks like it hurts.
Is that fair? Yeah, sure.
All right, great. I don't think that's fair.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You just take that off.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Wait, 'cause I -- wait.
What's the matter?
Oh, q.
See, if he's so scared to do it,
Don't you think that means I won?
Shit, I wouldn't want to be in this position.
Ohh, do it, do it, do it, do it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[ laughter ]
[bleep] all right. Okay. All right. Okay.
If he winces in any way,
That means you agree that it hurts.
Oh, this is amazing.
I'm going to prove it.
I'm going to prove it doesn't hurt.
Okay.
Don't move.
Ohh!
Woooo!
That one definitely hurt.
Thank you. It didn't hurt.
It didn't hurt at all.
Let's get her her coffee.
Or we can do four more if you want.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
Yeah.
Mjf chopped you, man. That's pretty cool.
You want to give him a chop? He thinks it's cool.
-[bleep] [bleep] -oh, god.
This isn't really by the rules here.
You were going. This is -- this is crazy.
I don't need your fat ass bumping into that mic.
All right. You ready?
Just take it easy.
Yeah. You ready? I'm not a professional wrestler.
[ laughter ] -sal.
That's it. All right, come on.
Watch my throat.
Ohh. [ laughter ]
Do him now. Do him now. Do him now.
All right, [bleep] it. Let's do it.
I don't think you want to do it.
You really want to take it?
I'm not going to be the only jerk that doesn't get a chop.
Take your shirt off.
Q: He's taking his shirt off.
Murr, please put your shirt -- oh, there we go.
Oh, god.
Ohh!
No. No, no.
Doesn't hurt.
[ laughter ]
[bleep]
I'm going on break.
[ laughter ]
Q: Oh, my god. It hurts so much.
Man: Oh, my god.
Is it bad?
Murr: Here we go.
You guys want some free coffee?
Hell yeah, it is.
You just got to help us settle this argument.
We'll give you the free coffee,
But we've been debating something.
"what's more heroic?"
What's more heroic?
Mjf, you think it's the time
You pissed your own pants to ward off a mugger.
I say it's the time
I pissed my own pants to ward a mugger off.
You said pissed your own pants?
I had to to ward the mugger off.
I knew the mugger was going to touch me if I pissed myself.
It's cool. That's -- that's a cool thing to do.
He sacrificed himself to --
But you think it was the time that you karate chopped someone
While they were robbing a deli?
More heroic here is what I did.
One time I was working a deli,
And I karate chopped someone who was robbing the deli.
And she never got back up.
And she -- and -- wait for it.
This is the part where it gets a bit villainous.
And she never got back up.
[ laughter ]
You karate chopped a woman?
What I did was a little embarrassing, right?
I pissed myself.
I knew that the attacker wasn't going to come at me.
How is pissing your pants really heroic?
My own deli was getting robbed.
I karate chopped -- he was saving himself.
How about you tell them what she was trying to take?
It doesn't matter. She was burglarizing the deli.
It was a kitkat.
Murr: She stole a kitkat.
Do these hands look lethal?
They were that day.
I would be in jail if I was in trouble.
She was burglarizing the store. Kitkat.
She was brandishing a weapon.
What?! She was an old woman.
She had a walking cane, dude.
Wow. He is good at this.
She just took a kitkat.
She -- the kitkats weren't hers.
[ laughter ]
Is it heroic to go pee-pee? No.
Pee-pee or karate, guys?
I'm going with --
Oh, sal!
I'm glad that you came on the show.
Yeah, we'll, definitely --
We should definitely have him back asap.
[ buzzer ]
I don't lose. Never lost a day in my life.
You're about to, my friend. You never faced off against me.
-Ohhh. -Ohhh.
Murr, if you touch my scarf, I swear to god.
Can I see it? It looks -- if you thought --
I just want to -- is it burberry? I love burberry.
Look at me. I want you to make eye contact
With me when I say this. Yeah.
I will end your [bleep] life.
[ laughter ]
Yes.
Mjf, I got a question for you.
When your body inevitably fails,
How are you going to develop your mind?
If you have been able to survive with a body
That has clearly failed at least a decade ago,
I think I'll be fine.
[ laughter ]
Hey, boss, you want some free coffee?
Do you mind settling a quick debate for us?
"I think he should be more embarrassed..."
I think that he should be more embarrassed...
"...Because he got caught hoarding ventilators."
...Because he got caught hoarding ventilators
During the pandemic.
And I think he should be more embarrassed --
You're not even going to believe this.
"he rapped at a black funeral."
He rapped at a black funeral.
[ laughter ]
Q: That's it. Checkmate, bud.
Maxwell: He should be more embarrassed --
You're not even gonna believe this.
He rapped at a black funeral.
[ laughter ]
There we go.
Need I even say more?
You may not be able to tell from my appearance,
But I'm an excellent rapper.
He's the whitest guy you've ever met in your entire life.
And the crowd at the funeral loved it.
They loved it. It brought the whole spirits of the funeral up.
What's worse -- you know what, fine.
Do the rap. Do the rap for him if you don't think it's awkward.
I'm on break right now. Okay, one second.
I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
I'll do the beginning.
Here we go.
What was that preamble?
♪ yo, my friend tyrone is dead, don't you know? ♪
♪ he died of cancer, yo, yo, yo ♪
It went like that.
Oh, my god.
You just lost.
Tyrone was his nickname.
Yeah. We all knew him as mike.
Okay.
And you weren't that tight with him.
Tyrone and I used to listen to biggie all the time.
The notorious b.I.G.
Oh, my god.
What's worse? What's worse? What's worse?
He was caught hoarding ventilators
During the pandemic, which is horrible.
Admittedly. He was rapping about cancer.
I think we both know who won.
So you just shake my hand.
You agree that it -- pull that hand back, okay?
I just want to give this guy coffee.
I obviously won.
Don't you think it's far worse
That he was hoarding 17 ventilators?
That's worse. That's worse.
Absolutely. Thank you, my friend.
Q: Oh!
Maybe his friend wanted it.
You're really gonna side with this guy?
Still ventilators are worse?
Damn right. Let's get you that coffee, my friend.
-Ohh! -Ohh!
Mjf, since I won that one, I believe I get the scarf.
I believe if I wanted to right now,
I can stick my hand so far up your ass
I can work you like a puppet,
So how about you stop talking about the scarf?
Fair enough. [ laughter ]
[ ding! ]
Narrator: Q and sal were no match for mjf,
So sal is tonight's big loser.
All right! Sal's today's loser,
So we are here with kesha for his punishment.
Kesha! I love the paranormal.
So today we're having a séance.
I'm going to be the host. And you're the spiritual medium.
We want you to connect with the afterlife.
And what better way to connect than with this?
Q: It's back, baby.
You push me. I get shocked.
Ostensibly, I'm connecting to the spirits,
And then I go home later and I'm sore for three days.
I get it. We're gonna go for four days tonight.
[ laughter ]
Murr: So these are folks that are waiting for a real séance.
Have you ever felt possessed by a demon?
You ever been in love? Yes.
I feel like it's the same thing.
[ both laugh ]
How are you?
Good. How are you?
Murr: Kesha's really into the paranormal.
She's got a brand-new show called "conjuring kesha."
That's her jam, man. That's what she does. That's it.
-Hey, guys. -This is salvatore.
How are you? Nice to meet you guys.
And here's salvatore, our expert medium.
These people think they're participating in a séance
With kesha but have no idea what they're actually in for.
Sal is wearing the patented impractical jokers
Shock collars that we control right here.
Well, I'm not going to hit it yet.
We never repeat punishments.
However, sal complained so much, there was no other choice.
So the story goes,
This is one of the most haunted locations on the east coast.
Wow. I've worked with my friend salvatore.
He really is a conduit to the supernatural.
Sal, when do you think it's gonna hit?
The first step in any séance,
We have to cleanse the space. -Sure.
It could happen at any moment.
So I'm just going to do this procedure.
You guys speak amongst yourselves, really.
It could happen now.
So basically, he's just going to cleanse the space.
It could happen now.
Salt is very cleansing.
You think it's going to happen now?
Are you feeling anything?
[ sighs ]
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ zap! ] aah!
[ laughter ]
Yo, spirit, chill out.
Welcome back, buddy.
[ laughter ]
-Like a little electric? -Yes.
[ zap! ]
Yeah. I mean, I'm feeling it more and more.
So this is good. This is going to be a very good session.
Murr: All right, sal, we really need you to
Bring the holy water over to the table.
Woman: ...Was expected to take six...
Oh, yeah, that's one. [ zap! ]
However, just a short time...
[ laughter ]
All right, kesha, just want to let you know,
Any time you touch your hair, we'll shock sal on your behalf.
If you're ready, I'd love for you to give us
Your professional reading. -Sure. Sure, sure.
The proprietor of the home was named walter flanagan.
He had upwards of 300 followers.
They lived together on, like, a common --
I had never felt the energy so much --
Energy --
I'll tell the story. Why don't I just tell the story?
[ laughter ]
All right, sal, every time you get the facts wrong,
You're going to get shocked until you get it right.
Murr: We determine the facts. Yeah.
Sal: The first thing I'm getting is maybe
The turn of the -- of the 19th century.
Aah. 18th century.
Here we go. Here we go.
It's some type of like a pet,
A domesticated pet,
A bird, fish,
Or puppy.
Kesha, whisper, "what about the skunk?"
What about the skunk?
It's actually a skunk.
Is it a skunk?
Let's go with skunk.
I feel like it takes a lot out of you.
Yeah.
Salvatore, get the wine, the ceremonial wine.
So he likes to have a ceremonial glass of wine.
Q: Dare you to try it. Go ahead, sal.
Try. Dare you.
[ laughter ]
[bleep] [ groans ]
Woman: Oh, dear.
Murr: Salvatore, get the wine.
Kesha: I feel like it takes a lot out of you.
So he likes to have a ceremonial glass of wine.
Woman: Into the hall.
[ laughter ]
-[bleep] -hit everything.
Hit it all. Son of a bitch.
[ woman speaking indistinctly ] [ laughter ]
Dare you to try it, sal.
Go ahead, sal. Try. Dare you.
...And decided to homeschool the children while also...
Ready?
[ groans ]
Woman: ...Troubled husband.
In July of 1985...
Kesha, if you do nothing, we'll shock sal.
[ laughter ]
Investigators ruled it a murder-suicide.
[ groans ] [bleep]
Oh, dear.
[ laughter ]
He looks like he's on death's door.
Salvatore, are you okay?
I'm really feeling spiritual energy now.
Like, it's --
Kesha, stop him and go, "did it just get colder in here?"
-Did you just get cold? -Yeah.
-Like, a lot colder. -I feel like --
Okay. Wow.
I feel like it's, like, here with us.
Sal, explore the room
To find out where the cold is coming from.
If you guys want to hold -- just hold hands.
I'm going to just -- I just want to explore the temperature.
Oh, god. I look like I rack coke.
[ laughter ]
[ zap! ] aah!
I feel it. I feel it.
It's coming from the floor.
It is coming from the floor. [ zap! ]
Everybody, sends sal good energy.
Everybody, let's send him good energy.
Clear energy.
Ohhh.
[ laughter ]
I'm going to try to --
[ zap! ]
Get the ghost out.
[ zap! ]
Kesha's breaking.
Keep the negative energy down.
Yeah, I'm trying.
[ laughter ]
Trying at some point.
Ohh.
Yes.
Dump the whole bowl on his head, kesha.
[ gasps ]
Let's break the man, shall we?
[ zapping ]
Please, don't!
[ laughter ]
The look on kesha's face.
[ sighs ]
[ zapping ]
Sal: Okay. I'm good.
This house is absolutely clean.
[ zap! ]
It's clean.
[ laughter ]
Jesus christ almighty.
[ zap! ] aah!
Murr: Great job, kesha.