[ laughter ]
[ murr screaming ]
[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good dog?
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughter ]
Narrator: With horror film icon bruce campbell.
Bam! Get it right.
[ laughter ]
I'm rosanna scotto coming to you live
Because the impractical jokers are causing havoc once again.
What are you doing?
Today, we're posing as store managers at a coffee shop.
And while we're helping customers,
Rosanna scotto is going to burst in and accuse us of foul play.
We'll have to own up to what we did
And then hope the customer still makes the purchase.
Rosanna, if the customer leaves without buying anything
After you've been exposed, you lose.
I'm rosanna scotto,
And I'm actually doing this.
Murr: Alright, so sal is the manager of this coffee shop.
Sal, your hair is on point.
Q: For the people at home, sal walked in today,
You looked at his hair and went, "I love your hair.
I'm so jealous."
He said, "I have to let you know.
I keep staring at you and I keep getting taken by you."
[ laughter ]
Hello, guys. How are you?
Murr: Here we go.
-Sure. -Okay, rosanna.
Alright, yeah. Go on in and take sal down.
Uh-oh, here comes rosanna scotto.
Excuse me, sir. Are you sal the manager?
The italian lady from the news?
[ both laugh ]
We've gotten reports that you share a walk-in freezer
With a sperm bank.
Don't say sperm. No, no, no.
[ laughter ]
They rent half and it's divided.
There's a divider. They rent half.
"what about the children born with beaks?"
What --
[ laughter ]
Pull it together, scotto!
What about the children born with beaks?
I don't think it's a joke,
If you guys are ransacking my business.
I know you from the news. I seen you on the news.
No, seriously -- "what about the creamer mix up last month?"
No, no.
What about the creamer mix-up last month?
That was a mistake.
"so you mistakenly used semen for creamer?
Is that what you're saying?"
You mistakenly used semen for creamer?
[ laughter ]
"mistake" is the word that you're...
So we got a fun little surprise for sal.
I'm running a respectable business.
I rent half of my freezer out.
"that's all I need to hear."
I've heard enough. You disgust me.
[ laughter ]
Sal, we combined challenges.
[ laughter ]
I'm rosanna scotto, and I'm on your side.
On your side.
Sorry, everybody. I'm so sorry. A little sugar --
It was a little sugar in the cold brew.
They're still taking it? They're still taking it?
They want the cream?
That was the italian lady from the news.
[ laughter ]
Q: Wow.
Q the barista. Here we go.
I'll be right with you one second.
If we're hiring?
[ both laugh ]
Oh, wait. Wait a second.
Oh, no.
Q, we might play this a little differently, buddy.
It might not be about the coffee so much as the job.
Alright, rosanna, go for it.
Okay. Yeah, they're back there making it right now.
Excuse me. Are you brian the manager?
I am brian the manager.
Okay, we've gotten serious phone calls about you
Using new york city pigeon eggs in your omelets. Is that true?
So think of it -- hear me out.
The thing about the pigeon eggs --
Who told you that? Where'd you hear that?
[ laughter ]
Look at her face.
Do you go outside and grab the pigeons
And bring them to the roof to make your omelets?
Well, the pigeon eggs are extra salty and extra delicious.
And I think that people are going to get on to it.
You never had a delicious pigeon omelet egg?
Please, rosanna scotto, don't tell me that.
Don't come here into my business and tell me that
You've never had a delicious -- listen, I've been around a long time.
You come in here and embarrass me
In front of my store like this.
Get out of here, rosanna scotto! Get out of here!
Expect the health department any day.
Get out of here, rosanna scotto.
[ laughs ]
Murr: "so you still want to apply for the job?"
Do you still want the job?
Sal: The moment of truth comes here now.
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
She don't care about pigeon meat.
You're pretty good at catching pigeons?
Murr: "have I got the job for you."
[ laughter ]
You got her.
Q: Alright, murr's up. Murr's up.
-Hi. How are you today? -Good.
Oh, I think I'm gonna do a hot cappuccino
With just regular milk.
Okay, great. Step right over here.
I'll get it done for you right now.
Send in rosanna.
Oh, my god.
Sal: Rosanna is marching in right now from the outside.
She got a stern look on her face.
Excuse me. Are you james the manager?
[ laughter ]
We have gotten some reports that you were selling pastries here
Stolen from a whole foods dumpster.
Is that true?
[ laughter ]
Look at her.
Who told you that?
Whole foods actually supplied us with video.
[ laughter ]
[ chokes ]
It sounds like he's having a stroke.
Listen, pastry's expensive,
And yes, they're throwing it out anyway, so why not re-use it?
Why did you dumpster dive?
Sal: Murr, start to get upset with her.
Yes, I do that. Why? Is that so wrong?
They're going to waste the food anyway. Why not reuse it?
I don't think that's appropriate. Like...
Murr and sal: Ohhhh!
Sal: Scotto!
Murr: Pastry's expensive,
And yes, they're throwing it out anyway, so why not reuse it?
Sal: Murr, start to get upset with her.
Yes, I do that. Why? Is that so wrong?
Why not reuse it?
I don't think that's appropriate.
Like, I don't agree with what he's doing,
But to shame him on public television... It's not right.
Ohhhh! Ohhhh!
Aren't you concerned about what you're eating?
Oh, my god!
Scotto!
Alright. Okay.
Dumpster diving is not that bad.
That's right, rosanna scotto.
Yeah, I dumpster dive at whole foods.
So what? Sue me.
[ laughter ]
Okay, so are you going to get some food from here today? Yeah.
Q: Wow, murr.
Alright, murr. It's a thumbs up.
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Breaking news, murr, q, and sal are safe
From the loser board.
Today -- today, we're waiting tables at dallas bbq in times square.
While serving customers -- we'll have to do and say
Whatever the other guys tell us.
Today, we're wai-- and if you refuse anything,
You lose.
Today, we're waiting tables at da--
I did everything we need to do. Oh.
Alright. Here we go, fellas.
Sal, any flashbacks?
Last time we were here, sal played the dizzy waiter
And smashed head first into the wall.
Show the clip, please.
-Oh, my god, guys. -Go, go!
[ laughter ]
I'm going!
[ laughter ]
We averted catastrophe. I'm just letting you know.
[ both laugh ]
Alright, buddy. "welcome to dallas bbq".
I know how to talk.
[ both laugh ]
Hi. How are you? Can I help you?
Are there any questions you have?
Oh, we marinate them in hennessy,
But they have like a hennessy glaze.
Sal, keep pushing henny on them.
Everything henny.
Can I get a round of hennys for the table, or...
They do the henny wings, but I can also
Hennify anything.
Yeah.
So, if you want a side of honey for dipping sauce,
I get you henny honey.
I can get you henny crispy shrimp.
Basically, henny-thing you want, you can have henny on it.
Henny-thing is possible. [ chuckles ]
[ both laugh ]
So, we're gonna do the henny five wings.
"you know, the chickens --
We drown them in henny."
Murr: [ laughs ]
We have a new chef here.
So, for the henny wings, we don't just
Marinate in the henny.
They actually,
Like, drown the chicken in the henny.
Look at her face. It's like marinating times ten.
We just want to let anyone know that
Because not everybody is cool with us
Drowning the chickens in the henny.
I feel like we got to have something else, then.
Yeah. [ both laugh ]
Alright. Be right back. Let me get it.
Wow. You got a lot done there, sal.
Jesus lord.
Murr: Sal, head over to that older couple enjoying their meal.
Hey, guys. How's everything going?
Everything's great. That's good.
"do you want that souped, or can you still chew okay?"
Great. Okay.
I know you're towards the end of the meal,
But would you like me to soup-ify any of that?"
You don't need me to soup-ify any of this?
You can chew with your teeth still?
Q: Oh, my god.
Sal, say to the woman, "oh, my god. I love your costume."
Okay.
And then I love your costume, by the way.
Oh. Thank you.
[ laughter ]
Thank you. Thank you.
Sal, find out what they're thinking for the tip.
Really going in on it. One table.
And then could you give me
An idea of where the tip is right now, or...
Can you give me an idea of where the tip is?
About 20? That's fair.
Let me know if you know anything.
Alright. Okay.
"I love you." love you.
[ laughter ]
[ both laugh ]
Ah. Murr: Duder, go back to these two ladies.
Oh, where have I been?
I've been serving other tables.
Oh, would you like ranch? Yes.
And a water. And a water.
And the water needs to be refilled.
Yeah. That's it.
Now sal's just working the restaurant.
This is getting hectic out here.
I need a water, ranch, and...
He's getting overwhelmed by waiting.
Let me get it. One second, buddy.
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I need to get a side of ranch, a water. Ranch dressing.
Sal, what are you doing?
You are not working a shift.
Q, these people count on me. I'm sweating.
Here's your turn -- pull a shift at dallas bbq.
Jesus [bleep] christ.
[ laughter ]
Q, go in the kitchen, get their cheese grater.
Okay, I got it.
Shredded cheese on barbecue. Sounds like a fun time.
[ laughter ]
Yinz order that cheese?
No, no, no.
Murr: Keep going. Keep going.
No, no. [ foreign accent ] cheese? Yinz wanted the cheese?
No, I don't.
Yinz wanted the cheese?
No, no.
No cheese? No, no.
I don't like cheese.
No, no. No cheese.
"the cheese is free."
[ normal voice ] the cheese is free, guys.
We don't want cheese. It's free.
[ laughs ]
It's free. It's free.
Murr: Q, I got another surprise for you. I'm coming out.
Could you just give them some pepper?
You son of a bitch.
We're so sorry about that.
So sorry. The pepper. It was the pepper.
No? Yinz don't want no pepper?
No, we don't want pepper.
This is my only job.
[ laughter ]
Hold on. You're not done yet, buddy.
Just see if they want anything blended.
Just go put it on the table, be like,
"you guys said you wanted your ribs blended."
They see him coming. She spots him already coming.
Woman: No, we don't want -- q: Oh, my god.
Q: They see him coming. She spots him already coming.
You want your food blended? No.
Can you leave us alone, please?
I'm so sorry. You don't want all your food blended
Into one thing?
Murr: Oh, no.
Q, hold on, buddy. We got one more thing for you.
[ both laugh ]
I don't know what you guys are doing. I'm done. I'm done.
I'm done. [ laughter ]
Q: Alright, murr-man.
Sal: Murr, go up to this table of four.
Hi, guys. Oh, smart idea.
Yes.
New york city, you know.
My name's james. Welcome to dallas bbq.
-"first things first..." -first things first...
"who's paying?" who's paying the bill?
We don't know yet.
"is anyone paying any more than anyone else?"
Is anyone paying any more than anyone else?
I don't know. It depends on what people have. This is weird.
"the person who's paying the most,
I'd like to speak to them."
I'd like to know who's going to pay the most,
And that's the person I'll direct my conversation to.
Sal: Oh, I love you, buddy.
Him. Him? Sir...
Only take orders through him.
What would you like?
Let me get a texas tsunami.
And you can order for everyone else.
I'll take the orders just from you.
Okay.
Okay, give me a mango, a regular-sized mango.
Oh, tell him that.
A regular sized mango.
Q: They're all going through this guy.
And what kind of side would she like with that?
Q: Yeah, point at her, but talk to him.
Does she want any shot on the side?
Uh... She does not.
[ both laugh ]
Well, again, my name is james.
If you need anything, I'm your guy.
Sal: Look at her. Look at her. [ laughs ]
Q: She's baffled.
Oh, my god.
She asked for a different server. Ooh.
Alright. Uh-oh. What's going on?
Ooh, this is good. This is good.
Oh, murr, they're moving them.
Murr, murr, you're their new server.
[ chuckles ]
Man: I have no idea.
Hi, guys. My name is james. Welcome to dallas bbq.
I'll be your server this evening.
Start completely fresh.
First question, who's going to be paying the bill?
[ laughter ]
Q: Murr, she's getting up to leave again.
Oh, wait. You guys moved tables? You like the windows better?
Oh, yeah. The whole section.
The whole section's mine.
Murr, she just said she doesn't you. Get your feelings hurt.
My apologies. Did I say something wrong?
Did I...
Yeah, that's not the way it's done.
You don't go around saying, "who's paying the least?
Who's paying the most? I'm only gonna speak to one
Who's paying the most."
You're out of order and that was disrespectful.
So, enough. Go on.
[ both laugh ]
Murr, you drove them away from you. It's okay. It's okay.
You can go back to them with our trainee, jiggy.
What?
You may know jiggy from season nine.
There's jiggy.
Send him in on your behalf, buddy.
[ laughs ] okay. Okay. Here we go.
I fully anticipate a volcanic eruption right now.
This is usually my section.
I know you wanted a different waiter.
So this is mark. He'll be helping you out.
You're in good hands, okay? Carry them.
Mahalo. My name is mark.
I'll be taking care of you. Welcome to dallas bbq.
Can I start by asking who's paying the most?
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Q: Oh, my god.
Narrator: Q couldn't serve up a win, making him tonight's big loser.
Alright, today we are joined by legendary actor,
Best-selling author and the star of "the evil dead",
Ash williams himself, bruce campbell.
So we have an "evil dead" inspired punishment for q.
Why you got to go and ruin something
That I love so much with this?
In case you haven't heard, I'm retired as ash.
We need a new ash.
We're here to see if you have what it takes.
We've got a series of "evil dead" inspired obstacles
Just waiting for you.
All you have to do, buddy,
Is walk through that cabin door, if you dare.
Okay.
Murr: Today's a big day for q. He loves the "evil dead" movies.
Sal: And he's a huge fan of yours, bruce.
Is this a punishment or am I supposed to love this?
Full disclosure, and this is like --
It's a dream for q,
But we're making it a horrible dream.
But he is your biggest fan.
So basically, the more you treat him like crap,
The better it is for us.
Screw him. [ laughs ]
Murr: Alright, q, head on in, buddy.
Alright. Alright.
Hey, ryan.
[ both laugh ]
Brian. It's brian. It's brian, bruce.
See, what this is in my pocket? That's a release form.
Yeah, okay.
And if you don't do what I tell you to do,
I'm not signing the release form,
And legally, you can't use this footage.
Murr: Yeah, q, you need bruce to sign that.
Thanks. Wait, wait, wait!
There's something I wanted to tell you!
Come on. Let's get down to business here.
Please, let me get this out.
This cabin that I'm about to walk into, bud,
When I was a scout --
We can cut this out, right? Yeah.
...I would turn this into a haunted house,
And I would do "evil dead" stuff in it.
So to be here today with you --
We don't want to hear your stories, by the way.
We don't. We're just not interested.
It's that simple. Okay, fair enough, bruce.
Well, they say never meet your heroes.
So, I'm just walking in?
That's it, buddy. Simple punishment.
Bruce: Action.
I'm ready for this.
[ screaming ]
Oh! Oh, my god!
How do you shut it off?
Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry. Sorry, guys.
She got me in my eyes like that.
Ryan, you do realize that you ruined the shot?
Never stop. Okay. Never stop.
Never break character,
Or I'm not signing this release form.
Oh, my god.
Oh. Alright.
Alright. Come on. Let's do it.
Way to start it all. Oh, my god, we're so [bleep] doomed.
Your idol is here,
And you're disappointing him left and right.
Murr: Alright, q, walk into "the evil dead", buddy.
Q, you might be wondering what is up next.
Okay, ryan, you got some crockery in the kitchen. Use it.
Yeah. You know the movie.
I think your hand is possessed, buddy.
Break the [bleep] bottles and plates over your head.
[ laughter ]
Are these breakaway plates or are they glass plates?
Bruce: Just do it. Don't ask.
Okay, alright.
Ah!
Bruce: Okay. Cut, cut, cut.
That was terrible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You flew cross country. He flew cross country.
You're doing it like a grandmother.
Let me demonstrate, if you please.
Okay. That's how you do that [bleep], okay?
Come on, ryan.
Alright?
Okay, it's breakaway.
Everything in here is breakaway.
This is crazy.
Okay? Bam! Get it right.
Little better?
A little better.
Murr: Make us believe that your hand is possessed.
You love the movie. Get into it.
And action.
[ screaming ]
That's better.
Oh! You son of a bitch!
Ah!
Do some of the ones on the other side.
Oh!
That was a real plate. Oh, my god.
Why would you guys put a real plate
On this set?!
What do you want me to do about it? It's a punishment.
I'm sorry. Oh.
Q, you know what else is iconic in "evil dead" movies?
The demon cam.
Whenever the demon cam comes at you,
You run and scream.
One other thing, q --
There's actually poison ivy on it. Run.
No, no, no, no!
That's it. That's the emotion.
That is real staten island poison ivy.
Get away. Get away.
Bruce: Thank god he's a pussy.
[ laughter ]
Because, you know, look. Look at this.
I don't think he's acting right now.
Q, the only way to get away from it
Is through the door, buddy.
Q: The door with no door knob.
You got it. Summon your inner ash.
Cut, cut. Okay. Print that one.
Yeah.
I don't know if you saw this yet, q,
But on the chair right there,
That is the mariano rivera personalized jersey
That was framed in his house,
And we had your assistant come today
And take it off the wall, take it out of the frame.
And we are going to destroy it, and I'm sorry.
What do you mean, you're sorry? Mariano rivera signed that.
That's irreplaceable.
The whole point, dummy, is to protect the jersey.
No, guys.
Bruce: Action.
Uh-oh, here comes the demon cam, q.
The [bleep] poison ivy's back. Alright.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Bruce: Do it.
No! No, no, no, no. Guys, it's valuable!
It was valuable.
[ laughter ]
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, buddy. Guys.
Next scene. Smash through that door
And get out of the cabin.
Come on, fat ash.
[ laughter ]
He won't be laughing soon.
[ laughter ]
Action!
[ grunts ]
[ laughter ]
Okay, cut, cut.
Hang on, doofus. Hang on.
Hey, dan? Dan? Dan cass? Sorry to bother you.
It looks like he can't get through the door.
Oh, we didn't take off the plywood.
Oh, so that's a real door.
Okay, look, obviously, this guy is not man enough to do that.
Q, I think you need some help getting through that final door.
Action!
Sal: Oh, my god. Look at the size of him.
What the hell?
What is this?
No!
[ door splintering ]
Murr: Oh, my god.
-Oh, my god. -What is this?
No!
[ laughter ]
Bruce: Okay, cut.
Is that it?
I'm out of the cabin, so the movie's over now?
Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Murr: [ laughs ]
Get away! Get away! What is this?
Oh, q, the trees are alive.
You know that. Take him away.
Q, let's keep it going. This movie's not ending.
The horror doesn't stop.
You know, buddy, in "evil dead",
Ash goes into the pond face down.
Bruce: Action. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Sal: Oh, god. Oh, god.
Okay, a couple notes. Where are the bubbles?
So, you have to make contact. After a couple of beats,
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.
Oh, my god. That's disgusting, dude. So, let's do it again. One more time.
Action!
♪♪
Sal: Oh! I saw a bubble!
Okay. Oh, god. Oh, god.
[ laughs ] oh, no.
Bruce: Okay. Cut, cut. You know what? That's almost usable.
[ gags ] that was better. Yeah.
That was more authentic. Way more authentic.
I can't even take it.
[ gags ] [ laughs ]
You don't have swamp water in your mouth.
[ gags ] [ laughs ]
I have a weak constitution.
You're making people puke up here.
That's enough of that [bleep].
This isn't my punishment. Get out.
Murr: Q, punishment's not over yet, buddy.
And action.
Oh, boy.
Get out, q! Do it!
You're coming in with me. Get over --
Cut! Come on, ryan!
You know what'll get him out? The demon cam.
No, the poison ivy off!
Ah! [bleep] ah!
Bruce: Stunningly bad acting.
[ screams ]
Never work with animals, children, or ryan.
[ laughter ]
Get the [bleep] poison ivy away from me.
Sal: Get back to the cabin before you have a heart attack.
[ screaming ]
Q, is "evil dead" still your favorite movie?
You know, you did pretty good. Did I?
Yeah, ryan, I just want to give you one last piece of advice.
Ahhhh!
♪♪
Okay.
No, actually the truth of it is, I want to thank you.
You want to thank me?
Yeah. Thanks for nothing.
Murr: Alright.
Bruce, will you sign the release?
Yeah. Now I'll sign the release.
Murr: Bruce campbell!
Good job, ryan.
I'll sign it in blood.
-Here you go. -Thank you, sir.
Okay, cut, cut, cut. Get this guy out of my sight.
[ laughter ]