Murr: Warning,
The following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity
Among lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other.
[ laughing ]
[ screams ]
♪♪
Let's just get this started.
Sal: Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good girl?
[ laughing ]
[ cymbals crash ]
♪♪
[ laughter ]
With special guest,
"Saturday night live" alum bobby moynihan.
I'm the friend who needs to go see incubus.
[ laughter ]
Today, we're posing as supervisors
At a telemarketing firm,
And we've hired someone to make cold calls for charity.
We'll be "helping" the new employee
By giving them ridiculous sales tips
To keep the person on the other line interested.
Of course, the tips we give to the employee
Will actually be given to us by the other guys
And the guy who gets his employee
To follow the most tips wins.
Oh, hi, mrs. Quinn.
♪♪
Q: [ chuckles ] here we go.
Everybody is dressed for work
Except tina's dressed like she's going to the beach.
In fact, murr, tina's your only real competition in this office.
She's an up-and-comer, man.
[ laughter ]
A little office rivalry right off the top.
Alright, murr, here comes your telemarketer.
You're a supervisor today, and you've got to get her
To say whatever we tell you.
Hi.
Are you james? I am.
And answering the phones
Will be our "impractical jokers" writers room.
Welcome to our humble office.
Tina, just turn around and be like,
"can you guys keep it down?"
Just chat him up...
Can you keep it down?
Tina.
[ laughter ]
Try john valentine, okay? Okay.
I remember I spoke to them last year.
I spoke to that family last year.
And the way that I got them to donate
Was I accused them of hating children.
The way I got them to donate was that I actually accused them
Of hating children.
And remember, linda.
And remember, linda...
It's not a lie if you believe it.
Okay. Yeah.
[ laughter ]
She went from a smile to a deadpan.
Let's see. Let's see. [ phone ringing ]
John valentine: Hello? Hello.
Am I speaking to mr. John valentine?
Speaking.
We'd love to have you consider renewing your subscription.
How much would that cost?
Would be like, $35.39.
I don't think it was that much at the time.
Sounds like you hate children to me.
It sounds like you hate children to me, linda.
I'm just thinking, if you don't hate children,
Maybe you want to donate.
Q: Look at tina!
Murr, tell her to say, "I'll match whatever you do."
Tell him that you'll match whatever he donates.
We'll match whatever you choose to donate.
Okay, that's good information I can give to my wife.
Tell him that he's being a big baby about this.
Linda, he doesn't need to talk to his wife.
Tell him he's being a big baby. He can make the decision.
I can't say that. Yes, you can say it, linda.
You're the salesperson.
It's not a lie if you believe it.
Well, I was just thinking,
You could probably make this decision by yourself.
Big baby. Big baby.
You don't really need her approval.
I know she did enjoy it, but I feel like I do need it.
Tell him not to be a big baby.
Sal: Please say it, linda. Please say it, linda.
He's just hectoring her.
To get back to my point, you don't want to seem like
You have to ask your wife for everything
And be a baby about it.
Would you like to pledge now and we can send you the email?
Slice his throat.
Linda: You want to stand up to this thing and take a stand.
[ quietly ] slice his throat.
You can just make a decision now.
Listen, you piece of shit. Are you in or not?
Say to him, "listen, you piece of shit,
Are you going to donate or not?"
I can't say that. Yes, you can.
I can't say that. He's on the edge.
Go for it. Go for it.
Well, john, you seem to be
Riding on the fence right now.
I think you could probably do a hundred, right?
Why not? I'm a big piece [bleep] anyway.
[ laughter ]
I told you, linda!
I told you it was going to work.
I know a piece of shit when I hear it.
That guy's a piece of shit. Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yes, linda! Oh, man.
You're driving me nuts.
[ laughter ]
Boom! 100 bucks!
[bleep] you, tina!
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Hey, how you doing? I'm brian.
Come on in. Have a seat, my friend.
So we'll try joe imburgio.
Before you hit the last digit, say,
Joe imburgio, I'm gonna get ya.
Q: When you dial the number, right?
What we like to say it's like,
"I'm coming for you, joe imburgio!"
Yeah.
I want to hear it, eduardo.
Coming for you, joe imburgio.
Yes!
Murr: Alright, this one, q.
Hello?
Yes, hi. My name is eduardo.
I'm with tri-state quarterly magazine.
Sal: Joe, say, what the [bleep] you talking about?
What the [bleep] are you talking about?
What is this?
This is tri-state quarterly.
Q, get him to say that you're exhausted
With dealing with these small change chumps all day.
We're gonna get him. We're gonna reel him in, me and you.
He's gonna make a donation.
We're going to save those kids.
What kids?
The kids.
We like to shame him a little bit,
So just say, "I've been dealing with
Small change chumps all day."
Watch what he does.
Okay, mr. Imburgio?
Yeah. Hello?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I've been dealing with so many small change chumps.
I don't know how much to give.
Do you know what's an appropriate amount?
$500. $500 would be sufficient.
That's a little steep.
Murr: "we know where you live."
Just say, "I would like to remind you
That we know where you live."
Light threat. Go.
I would like to -- I would like to remind you, sir,
That we know where you live.
Is that a threat, sir?
No. Light threat.
It's just a friendly reminder. Light threat.
You got to tug at the heart strings now.
Now we're gonna tug at the heartstrings.
Do you have any pets?
No, but, I mean, I've had pets.
Remember when they died and bring that feeling up.
So we're gonna say that your pet just died at the office,
And that's why you sound like you're crying.
That's it. That's it! Okay.
I'm a little -- I'm a little sad, sir,
Because my dog just died.
I was wondering, sir, it would ease my pain
If you can donate $600 instead of $500.
I could go up to like... $700, maybe?
I still know where you live.
I still know where you live, and I want you to know
That I'm going to a psychiatrist who's analyzing me,
Because I think I'm a little sick in my mind.
Oh, my god!
Murr: Let's do $1,000. Yes or no, bitch?
Thousand yes or no, bitch. Let's do.
Let's do $1,000. Let's do $1,000.
What do you say, bitch?
[ laughter ]
You know what I say?
Yes.
A grand, yes.
Someone will get back to you, bitch, and then hang up.
Somebody is gonna get back to you, bitch.
[ laughter ]
[bleep], sal!
The children are saved!
♪♪
How are you doing? What's your name?
Jennifer. Alright, here's your new salesperson.
So there are some things that we do that universally work. Okay.
Laugh super hard at anything they say.
Laugh as hard as you can at anything they say.
Murr: She's on board!
Johnna, you laugh crazy.
Match her energy.
She starts laughing, you laugh.
Hello? It's jennifer calling from tri-star quarterly.
How are you, my dear?
Oh, I'm surviving, you know.
[ laughs ]
We're in the same boat, my dear.
[ both laugh ]
[ laughter continues ]
Tell her to say, "shut up and listen to me.
There's not a lot of time left."
It's time to go from soft to firm.
As soon as you click this, just say, "shut up and listen to me.
There's not a lot of time."
Oh, my god. I can't. You can!
♪♪
It's time to go from soft to firm.
As soon as you click this,
Just say, "shut up and listen to me.
There's not a lot of time."
Oh, my god. I can't. Oh, you can.
[ laughter ]
[ laughter continuing ]
So shut up and listen to me. I don't have a lot of time.
[ jennifer laughing ]
Yeah, I just don't know if I want to pledge or not.
Tell her, "I don't have a lot of time left
On this earth."
Just say, "I don't have a lot of time left on this earth."
Um, I don't have a lot of time left on this earth.
So what were you thinking?
No, sorry, I didn't -- I didn't know that.
So you tell me what I should donate.
Okay, how's $24,000?
[ laughter ]
Murr: $24,000?
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
I guess, why is time running out for you?
Well, it's a condition that I have.
Murr: I got bit by a tick.
Bit by a tick.
Johnna, start laughing.
It's an autoimmune -- I got bit by a tick.
[ laughing ] laugh, laugh.
[ both laughing ]
It's lyme disease. It's lyme disease.
Lyme disease! Yeah.
With rheumatoid arthritis.
Q: Oh, she's going rogue!
Yeah. Okay, 10 grand.
You will? Oh, my god!
Murr: Sal, you're not happy with 10 grand!
Okay, hold on. Okay.
Okay, let's do it.
Hear me now. She'll go higher.
Listen...
Hear me now.
If she does 10 grand, she'll do more.
Trust me right now.
Don't be a pussy. Donate 24.
[ laughter ]
Just don't be a pussy.
Don't -- you know, don't be a --
P-u-s-s-y.
[ laughter ]
Oh, okay. I'll do 25 grand.
Oh, my god. I love you.
I ain't no p-u-s-s-y.
I know you're not.
I know you're not!
I know, I grew up with brothers. Forget about it.
My brothers were pussies.
And my brothers were pussies.
[ laughter ]
Not us!
Well done. He got every one!
We did it!
[ both laugh ]
♪♪
Narrator: Ring, ring. Who's calling?
Murr's first up on the loser board.
Today we're at the grocery store shopping
With our misbehaving child.
While our kid is being a brat,
We're gonna have to get another shopper
To be the bad guy
And follow our lead in disciplining that child.
If that shopper doesn't agree with your threat,
You lose.
Hiiii-yaa!
♪♪
Alright, fellas. Let's have a good challenge.
Do you have a pearl necklace on?
This is harry styles. This is style, man.
You don't even know who harry styles is.
I do know who he is.
Here's my kid, if you guys will excuse me.
Avery, what's up?
Hi, I'm dad.
Okay, get ready to misbehave.
Go, go.
[ avery wailing ]
Why??
Avery, please --
I just want sweets!
Please, please, quiet up. Please quiet down.
Do you want to make my life miserable?
Oh, my god!
Right? Do me a favor. Get my back here, okay?
Avery, come here. Come here right now.
You come here right now and talk to daddy.
Listen, if you don't behave in this store...
This person will turn you italian.
Is that what you want?
You want to be italian your whole life?
No. Right? No.
I don't want to be greasy!
[ crying ] I don't want to be greasy!
[ laughing ]
Tell her, sir, what you're gonna do to her
If she doesn't behave.
I hate pasta! Let him talk.
What are you gonna do to her?
Right? [ gasps ]
Sal: This guy's nefarious!
You know what happens to italians, right?
Nothing good.
The italians were originally on the wrong side of the war.
They were.
Ciao.
[ laughter ]
Gosh.
Italians, right?
♪♪
Alright, so what are you gonna do for a tantrum.
This time, I'm gonna have a lot of energy.
You didn't have a lot of energy last time?
No.
This guy. That old guy there.
Q: Avery, start acting up.
[ laughing hysterically ]
Murr: Control her, q!
Avery, stop. Oh, my god. Avery, calm down.
What are you -- I don't even know what this is.
Oh, my god. These kids.
I don't even know what to do with them anymore.
Could you back me up on this one second?
Avery, c'mere, please. Avery, please come here.
What is your name, sir?
Klaus. Klaus?
Klaus, this is avery. Avery, this is klaus.
Now, listen,
If you keep misbehaving, you see this man right here?
He's a serial killer of teddy bears.
He -- [ laughs ]
Klaus here is a serial killer of teddy bears,
And if you don't behave...
He's gonna take teddy and gut him like a fish
And wear his face like a mask.
He's gonna take teddy -- [ laughing ]
Avery: What's wrong?
♪♪
If you don't behave, he's gonna take your teddy
And gut him like a fish
And then wear his face like a mask.
Right? Tell her. Tell her.
Murr: Q, get him to back you up.
Klaus, tell you're going to kill her teddy bear.
Gut him like a fish.
How many teddy bears did you serial kill?
Oh, I don't know. 100.
Please don't kill my teddy bear.
Well, if you behave, then we'll talk about it.
So it's not even a guarantee if she behaves?
Go over there and be good.
Klaus straight up looked avery in the face and said,
"I will dismember your teddy bear."
He's done it before. He'll do it again.
Guess he's not italian.
Klaus. He's german.
Klaus is german.
On the wrong side of the war. Shh!
[ laughing ]
Sal: She said that on her own!
Daaaad.
Yes, honey?
Murr: Okay, avery, misbehave.
[ whining ] I want to go home!
Alright, honey.
No, I want to go!
Just give me a half hour, please.
You said this would be 5 minutes!
Did you not go to school?
Alright, avery, shush.
You said you went to harvard!
[ laughter ]
These kids. I'm sorry to laugh. I didn't mean to laugh.
Stay out of this.
Ohh! Ohh!
Shush!
[ laughter ]
Don't you dare do that. That's not nice.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Get him to back you up.
Back me up. Back me up.
If you don't -- if you don't behave...
This man is gonna kill all of santa's elves.
[ laughs ]
This man is gonna kill santa's elves.
[ gasps ] yes.
And that, I have no problem doing.
A-ha. You see?
If you're good, you'll get a lot of gifts this year.
That's right.
And if you're not, what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna kill the elves.
Even clumpy the elf?
Even clumpy the elf.
He's gone.
[ laughter ]
Put your money where your mouth is.
No, that's not what he's going to do. I'm sorry.
Can I say something?
[ laughter ]
The elves are done!
♪♪
Narrator: Murr, sal, and q got some backup,
But murr is still tonight's big loser.
So murr lost, and we have actor, writer,
And my favorite improviser of all time, bobby moynihan,
Here to help us punish him.
And, murr, today you are going to be a tailor
Helping women pick out their wedding dress for their big day. Ooh.
This place is charming. It's elegant. It's beautiful.
You will be none of the above today.
If it seems really tense in there, don't worry.
I will come in and make it a lot worse for you.
Sal: Murray is the senior tailor of belle's dresses,
And bobby is his esteemed colleague.
Q: Well, bobby's whatever we need him to be.
Correct. Okay, so here we go.
Hi. What's your name?
Tara, I'm james. Nice to meet you.
Have a seat, please. Make yourself comfortable.
Alright, so we'll be focusing on tara.
Hi, mom. Hi.
So we'll be focusing on tara today.
Lace or non-lace?
Not a lot. Okay.
I'm gonna show you one with and without.
Okay, tara, I want to show you this style, too.
I know.
If you're not on cloud nine after today,
My name isn't toots murmelstein.
And if you are not on cloud nine after this dress,
My name is not toots murmelstein.
Murr, just run to and fro, clicking your heels.
Okay.
I got to tell you something.
I [bleep] hate that heel clicking.
Every day of my life.
I wake up every day and the first thing I think of is,
If he does that heel click today,
I'm gonna [bleep] kill myself.
Oh, no.
Murr, click your heels on the way back.
Okay, so...
[ laughter ].
One last one.
Suggest taking a few inches on the dumper.
But first, let's measure that dumper, okay?
So how are we today? Good.
Oh, you can put your stuff down if you like.
Are we hanging a veil on that melon of yours?
Bobby looking away.
Uh, question.
When you picture your wedding
And you walking down the aisle,
Do you imagine a veil on that melon?
Um, maybe.
[ laughter ]
[ strained ] excuse me one second.
Yeah, it's good.
Murr, what are you doing?
It's a punishment! Get back in there!
Oh, hi, guys. You're getting married?
Yes, I am. Okay. Congratulations.
Sal: Hey, bobby. Can you come on back?
We want to give you a little bit of a character change.
"so, guys, let's shoot each other straight."
Guys, let's shoot each other straight.
Will the wedding be a purely caucasian affair?
Do you guys know if the wedding will be
Primarily a caucasian affair?
We're filipino. You're filipino?
But our mom's side is white and our dad's side is filipino.
Your mom's side is white. Yes.
So it's a half-caucasian affair.
So it's a cauc and an asian affair.
So -- so it's --
So it's a bit of cauc and a bit of asian.
So it's a cauc-asian? It's cauc-asian, right?
How much cauc is coming?
Do you guys -- do you guys know --
[ laughing ] how much cauc is coming?
♪♪
So it's a cauc-asian wedding? It's cauc-asian, right?
How much cauc is coming?
Do you guys -- do you guys know --
How much cauc is coming?
[ laughter ]
You okay?
Um. Keep it together, you idiot!
Do you guys --
[ laughing ]
do you guys know --
Do you guys know how much cauc is coming?
I'm sorry.
[ laughter ]
How much cauc is coming to the wedding?
Just the white people?
Yeah, yeah.
I'd say like, 50/50. Yeah.
Ooh, that's pretty!
Oh, my god. Fantastic.
Look at that.
Again, don't worry about the length or anything like that.
Just start waving behind your ass like you farted.
Whew.
[ laughter ]
Toots, toots.
Toot-toot.
Murr, sit down next to her friends and go,
"man, I wish I met her 20 years ago."
Whew.
I gotta tell you,
Man, I wish I had met your friend 20 years ago.
I could be the cauc in her life.
I could have been the cauc in her life.
She would have been 3.
Sal: We have a a new character for bobby.
Who is this?
I'm your friend.
Murr, bobby is your unsavory friend from the neighborhood.
He's gonna be lingering a little too long.
He really shoots from the hip, if you know what I mean.
Welcome. You're getting married?
Yes. Oh, wow. That's great.
Sal: And enter bobby.
You like -- hey. Hey.
You almost done.
What's that? Are you almost done?
No, no, no. I just started with the client.
This is my buddy from back home.
Oh. Yeah.
He's supposed to be taking me
To see the incubus concert.
He's supposed to be taking me to this incubus concert
That we've been waiting for for how long?
I'll tell you one thing.
If I miss incubus, I'm gonna go nuts.
I'm gonna tell everybody you sucked my gabagool.
I think I would probably prefer a sleeve.
Sleeves. Okay. Give me one second.
Okay? One second.
Alright.
Bobby: You getting married?
Yes.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Guy or girl?
Me and my boyfriend.
That's cool.
People still do that now.
Sorry about that, guys. My apologies.
Okay, so you were saying sleeve, for sure.
Do you know the band incubus?
Yeah.
That's all I got to say.
Bobby, it'll be a little bit, okay?
I know. I'm sorry, I know.
But I'm just saying, you told me 3:30.
I don't work here. I don't care about your job.
I'm not gonna get fired, so you hurry it up.
I'm the friend who needs to go see incubus.
Say, "pardon us one second, sweetheart."
Just give us one second, sweetheart.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Um, if you want this to stop...
Yes, please!
All you have to do
Is take off the ring you're wearing and swallow it.
[ laughter ]
Your wedding band!
You're not serious. Is this dangerous?
Or we can keep going.
I mean, we could keep going until you do.
No, because I have a plane to catch.
Ohh. Oh, do you?
Uh...
Okay, [bleep]. Let's do it.
Ohhh! Let's do it.
Q: Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
End this punishment, please. Let's do it.
Wow. I actually -- I can't believe this.
Here we go. Oh, my god.
There we go. He's got the water.
Oh. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Down the hatch, baby! Come on, toots.
♪♪
[ gags, coughs ] whoa!
Oh, my god.
Punishment's over.
Well... Well...
There was one more quick thing.
You know you're getting on a flight right now.
Yeah.
You know that you don't like this outfit.
Uh-huh.
So we have a different outfit for you to wear to the airport
And get on the plane.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you. I try.
♪♪