[ laughing ]
[ screams ]
♪♪
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good girl?
[ laughing ]
[ cymbals crash ]
♪♪
[ laughter ]
With special guest actor and director kim fields.
We're gonna get a little fields joke-ified up in this mother.
[ laughter ]
Sal: Hey.
We are here at the liberty science center
For "lsc after dark,"
Which is basically an adult party in a museum.
While mingling with guests in the wild about animals exhibit,
We're gonna have to do and say
Whatever the other guys tell us to.
And if you refuse, you lose, and you don't get to party.
That is how he parties, unfortunately.
Guys, you got to come to lsc after dark.
It is jumping.
Q: Behind the bar, buddy,
I hid some -- some homemade jell-o shots.
Could you go grab them for me?
You got to offer them around the room.
That's it, bud.
Murr: Hey, guys.
I don't know if you want, but we have jell-o --
There's jell-o shots
They're giving out to people, if you want them.
And I have more later, if you need them, okay?
Sal: "homemade recipe."
It's a homemade recipe.
That's making me feel like I shouldn't eat this.
I'm sorry. I don't know who you are.
My name's james.
That's wonderful.
I don't typically do jell-o shots from people I've just met.
You don't have to drink it.
You can have it if you want.
I just have -- I have more.
"what am I saying, 'drink it.'
You have to kind of chew it and swallow it."
No, that's fine. I don't need more.
I mean, you don't -- you don't drink it.
You kind of, you know, put your finger in and --
I'm gonna be honest.
You're making me a little uncomfortable.
I just ask that --
Would this help?
Would this help, if I...
No. No.
Honestly, it would make it worse.
Oh, it would make it worse.
Maybe leave us alone, that would be great.
Okay. No problem. Okay. No problem.
Q: Come back, and be like,
"well, can I have it back if you're not gonna drink it?"
Could I -- could I have them back, then?
Sure.
Great. Okay.
'cause there's other people that might want them.
This is so uncomfortable.
Q: Cole, get one of the jell-o shots from murray,
And then just be like, "ugh! Oh!"
Oh, my god.
These are terrible.
[ laughter ]
I love lsd after -- lsc after dark.
[ laughter ]
Sal: Cole, cole, cole -- "who let the turtles out of the cage?"
Who let the turtles out of the cage?
Q: Murr, under your breath, go, "[bleep] freak."
[bleep] freak.
[ laughter ]
Murr, turn around. Go up to this guy. Ready?
Can I ask you a question?
"[bleep], marry, kill, you go first."
Unrelated -- [bleep], marry, kill.
You go first.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god.
'cause I would, uh...
'cause for me...
"I'd [bleep] the turtle."
I would [bleep] the turtle.
"I'd marry the naked mole rat."
I would marry the naked mole rat over there.
"and I'd kill you."
[ laughter ]
And I...Would kill you.
[ laughter ]
Cheers.
Murr: All right, sally.
Q: Nothing says "party" like a wool cap and a flannel.
Here we go.
[ imitates party horn]
Sal, you're here for a blind date.
You think she might be the one.
When you find out she's not, be relieved.
Oh, my god. Oh.
"are you julia?"
-Are you julia? -No. Sorry.
-You're not julia? -No.
Oh. I was here for a blind date.
-Oh. -You're not julia?
Woman: I'm not julia.
Oh, thank god.
[ laughter ]
Q: Oh, my god.
Oh!
[bleep] you, brother.
Murr: Sal, grab rene, our security guard right there,
And approach a couple with a drink in their hands.
Tell rene that that guy's been drinking too much,
He should not drive home.
Rene, that's the -- that's the guy I was saying.
Excuse me, sir.
Yeah, that's him. That's him.
Hi. I'm security here.
And unfortunately, this gentleman says
You've been drinking too much tonight.
Yeah.
Sal: Are you driving?
-Really? -Yeah.
Do you have proof of the uber?
Murr: "can I see your uber history?"
Can I see a receipt?
Q: He's doing it.
This is my safety for you.
"why don't we call you an uber home now?"
I'll tell you what, it might be best for everybody
If we called you an uber home now.
[ laughter ]
Thank you. Hey, stay safe, okay?
And just think about others.
Rene, go give him his drink back, and be like,
"sorry about that.
That guy [bleep] does this all the time."
Excuse me, sir. Sorry about that.
This [bleep] guy does this all the time.
Enjoy your beer.
[ laughter ]
Q: Dude, he is hiding the drink from you.
-Take care, man. -No problem.
I know a hidden drink when I see one, sir.
[ laughter ]
He is a grown man who just walked by me
Hiding a tall boy in his trench coat.
Like he was an underage drinker.
[ laughter ]
Murr: All right, q.
I don't see any [bleep] monkeys.
I'm looking at one.
Sal: "oh, I love a silly [bleep] hat."
[ laughs ] go back.
Here we go.
I don't think there's any monkeys in there.
Oh, I love a silly [bleep] hat.
-Oh, thank you. -That's cool.
[ laughter ]
I can't believe he did it.
I'm crying.
Q, ask this lady in front of you if she's single.
And if she's not,
The second she starts to say no,"
You turn around, and you walk away.
[ laughs ]
Don't even let her finish "no."
One syllable.
She's not interested in you.
I don't want to do it.
Here we go.
Sal: Q, ass this lady in front of you if she's single.
And if she's not, you turn around,
And you walk away.
Don't even let her finish "no."
One syllable.
Murr: She's not interested in you.
Man, this is some crazy line.
I didn't realize it would be this popular.
This -- this is awesome.
I know. [ both chuckle ]
Are you -- are you single?
I said "if she says 'no.'"
You said "before she stops speaking," so I just left.
I said, "if she says 'no,'
Walk away as soon as you hear the 'n.'"
Murr: You screwed up.
But I don't even know. I think that's more insulting.
It is.
The second her mouth started moving, I walked away.
Q, behind the bar, we put some mistletoe,
Thank you.
Walk up to the people at the exhibit,
Slap the mistletoe on the wall in front of them,
And go, "eh?"
All right. Here we go.
Do you see any monkeys in here?
Eh?
[ sal and murr exclaiming ]
Eh?
I'm gay.
I can't believe it! It's a christmas miracle!
Q, put it -- put it in your belt.
Does he have an earpeice in?
'cause murray just wanted you to do that.
Are you single?
Woman: Me? No.
Announcer: No losers were invited to this party.
Murr, q, and sal are safe from the loser board.
Today, we are in tompkins square park
Pitching new products and services to pet owners.
And for the first time ever on the tv show,
The catch is the products have been created
By the other guys.
If you can't get someone to sign up for further information
On that product or service, you lose.
Get your dog treats here.
Dog treats.
All right, q, you're manning the table.
You've got to lure over dog owners.
Sal: You didn't...
You didn't just eat that.
Stop it right now.
Have you ever eaten a dog treat before?
No.
Why would you subject yourself to that?
It's a treat.
Yeah, but that might not be for human consumption, necessarily.
Eh. [ laughs ]
Hey. How are you doing, sir?
Murr: Here we go, buddy.
We're giving away free pet toys --
And free pet toys and doggie treats.
I'm here with the manduke group.
We're offering -- we're just let everybody know
About our new service we have for pets,
Which is zoobereats.
Zoobereats.
This is how it works --
Each month, you'll be shipped a curated box of exotic meat
So your pet could dine on the flesh of some
Of the world's rarest animals --
Animals like peacocks, rhinos and sperm whales
Delivered straight to your doorstep.
This is very important -- don't believe the media.
Zoober meat collectors are not poachers.
These guys are out there doing their job legally.
Our collecting partners have high standards.
Some of them even have a license,
Like, to hunt these creatures.
There's no way someone's signing up for this.
I mean, geez, man, order today
And get a free pound of gibbon meat.
"we offer reindeer meat during christmas."
During christmas, we have reindeer meat.
You know, donner and vixen right down the hatch.
Let's put the nail in the coffin.
Q, behind the desk is some raw meat.
Murr: Go get that panda meat.
And then, you can take this, over here.
This is -- this is some panda meat
That you could just bring home to your cat.
That's free. That's panda meat.
That's shipped fresh from australia.
Pandas are from china,
But there's a whole black market in australia
That we send them to.
Murr: Don't forget to get the signature.
Okay.
And then, before you go, if you are interested,
If you could just sign up.
Murr: Oh, q.
Well, I need more information.
Do have a page, also? Business card?
Oh, a business card.
I see.
So, you'll call me. I won't call you.
[ both exclaiming ]
-Sorry, buddy. -Classic deflection.
Just to be clear, you're passing on the chance
For your dog to eat a peacock.
Q: You always go for little dogs.
You're a little dog guy. -Yeah, I'm a little dog guy.
Why? What's up with that?
I have two first cousins that have both had
Their noses bitten off by german shepherds.
Really? I didn't think that --
Wherever that sentence was going...
Do you have a dog, buddy. You want a free dog bag?
-I do. -You do?
We are the manduke group.
We have a new dog service we're providing.
It is...
Go ahead.
...The gay dog summer camp.
Oh. Okay.
Any questions you may have
Is pretty much just answered in the title.
It's a gay dog -- what's that?
Yeah. Sure.
Are your dogs gay?
[ laughter ]
Okay, well, here.
We are offering a service. It's a gay dog summer camp.
There's arts and crafts.
There's swimming for dogs.
You can see how happy and gay they look.
There's equestrian sports, and so many balls.
There's just balls everywhere in the gay dog summer camp.
And I mean, there's just -- there's just gay.
There's not much more to say, as you can see.
Q: Keep going, murr.
It was founded by dr. Marla gay.
I see.
It's owned by someone named "gay."
Are you guys fans of dr. Marla gay?
I don't know who that is.
Marla gay is also a homosexual.
She's a famous homosexual veterinarian.
[ laughter ]
Would either of you like more information
About gay dog summer camp?
Okay, you an just sign up right there.
There you go, sir.
Wow, buddy. Wow, wow, wow.
Oh, my god.
You guys are the cutest gay dogs I've ever seen.
[ laughter ]
All right, sal.
You know the routine, here, buddy.
-You want some dog treats? -This is gonna be good.
Here we go, buddy.
The one thing is, I just got 30 seconds
To tell you about what we do.
Okay. Yeah.
This is called a "pet naming registry."
When a beloved family dog dies,
It's important to memorialize them, of course.
Right?
So we've created a beautiful and meaningful way
To remember your pet.
Here it comes.
We allow the bereaved to name a...
[ laughter ]
So we've created a beautiful and meaningful way
To remember your pet.
Here it comes.
We allow the bereaved to name a...
[ laughter ]
We allow the bereaved to name a child
From a third world country after their departed animal.
Oh.
Okay.
Meet the kids. That's sarge.
Aww.
[ laughter ]
That's potato.
He doesn't actually go by "potato."
No, well, they do --
"the child says yearly updates."
The child sends yearly updates.
Wow.
Yeah, it's like almost adopting a child, but, like,
So she's ravioli now.
That is crazy.
Yeah. I know.
And snickerdoodle is one of our newest.
This is bark twain,
Which is funny 'cause of the first and last name.
Yeah.
"bark twain."
The good news is, children from flint, michigan,
Are now available for naming.
And first person named in flint,
We have gagootz.
Interesting.
"there's an option to meet the children later in life."
There is also -- check this out.
One of the coolest features --
There's an option to meet the children later in life.
Oh, wow.
So, let's say, in five years
You can arrange to meet ravioli.
[ laughter ]
If you'd like to put an e-mail,
I can send you more information about it.
Sure. Can you just write it for me?
-Sure, sure. -Oh, he got her.
Is that e-mail fake@fake.Com?
I got that sig, though.
[ laughter ]
Announcer: Looks like q signed himself up as tonight's big loser.
All: Hey!
Q lost, so to help us punish him,
We have actress, director and my dream guest, kim fields.
Kim: So, q, you know that there are times
When a woman can say something, but if a man said
The exact same thing, it sounds a little different.
Yeah. Of course.
So, q, all you have to do is repeat after kim.
For example...
I can't get it up.
So, just hold on one second.
[ laughter ]
-Hey, guys. -Hi, guys.
Both: Hey.
We are so excited that you're on the show.
We've heard for a long time that you're such a massive fan.
Listen, I can't wait to put this on my imdb.
Yeah?
I don't like how happy you are about this.
Murr: All right. So, kim, let's get started.
Please find a lady.
And when you feel like you have one,
Just get on that escalator with her.
She's in.
Okay, here we go. "girl, you look so bad."
Girl, you look so bad.
Ooh. You too, girl.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Immediately.
Dude, I see the wash that's come over your face?
You do understand exactly how
You're delivering that one, right?
It's not gonna be, "girl, you look so bad."
No.
I want you to deliver a little bit more like,
"girl, you look so bad."
[ laughter ]
Are we concerned.
That I'm gonna make her feel bad?
And then, she'll sign a release, and feel good.
[ laughter ]
I love this.
All right. On the phone. On the phone. On the phone.
All right, q, go. Get her attention.
Here we go.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Girl....
You look...
So bad.
Sal: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
You asshole.
Even kim was like...
Reminder -- that was the first one.
Yeah. We started easy.
She just looked at me like I was just disgusting.
Well...I mean... Based on what you said...
[ laughter ]
That was so amazingly genuine.
Murr: Here we go. Here we go. Ready?
"bitch, you look so hot in these clothes."
Bitch, you look so hot in these clothes.
Q: No.
[ laughter ]
No. Absolutely. Come on, man.
This line didn't even work for kim.
Kim: Bitch, you look so good in that outfit, and that purse.
Work, bitch, work.
[ laughter ]
She got you on the flip side.
Oh, my god.
Okay, q, so that's your line --
"bitch, you look so good in that outfit.
Work, work, work."
Oh, my god.
I got to call a woman "bitch."
Yes.
All right. Here I go.
-Okay. -Here we go. Here we go.
Hustle it up. Hustle up.
Sal: Oh, god.
[ laughter ]
Pussy.
[ laughter ]
You are the worst. Oh, my goodness.
Come on, q.
He's gonna have to keep riding the escalator.
Dude, I can't get the words out of my mouth.
If you strike out again, we're giving you a worse one.
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna say it to this woman.
-Go fast with it. -Okay.
Excuse me.
Yeah?
-Ooh. -Oh, my god.
Q: Okay. All right.
I'm gonna say it to this woman.
Excuse me.
Bitch...
You look so good in that outfit.
Work. Work. Work.
Work. Work. Work, bitch.
[ laughter ]
Sal: You sound like a serial killer.
"work. Work. Work. Work, bitch.
Work. Work, bitch.
Work.
Work. Work, work.
Work. Work. Work, bitch."
[ laughter ]
Who told you to put an ellipses after "bitch"?
Nobody.
I couldn't get it out.
You barked the command at her, q.
Yeah. Should I change?
-Yes, you should. -What?
Kim, come back here and change, real quick.
All right, q, we did a little costume change for kim.
Oh!
She's about 13 months pregnant.
Oh.
This opens some doors for us, as they say.
Yeah. Are you ready for this?
[strained] I'm ready for this.
All right, kim, we're ready.
Find somebody, and I'll tell you what to say.
[ groans ]
I'm so scared of what I'm gonna have to push
Out of my body soon.
I'm so scared of what I'm gonna
Have to push out of my body soon.
Ugh.
Two big ones.
I got two big ones.
Watch your step.
It's the kicker. It's the kicker every time.
Let's hear you say that to somebody.
I got to tell you, I am...
So scared about what I have to push out of my body soon.
Two big ones.
All right, kim. Get back into your normal clothes.
Wouldn't it be great, since you're here...
Yeah?
...To do a turn with dan kass instead of me.
Wouldn't it be great?
You want the full "impractical jokers" experience,
You know?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go rogue.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, we're gonna get a little fields joke-ified
Up in this mother.
Oh, my god.
All right, kim's doing one on her own.
She's going rogue.
Wait, what?
What was that?
I wish you can see the face I'm getting right now.
Don't do it. Just don't do it, man.
Kim, just say whatever you want, okay?
We'll follow your lead.
No. Well, you're getting on my nerves.
I'm starting to sweat.
Stop it.
Stop it!
She was getting on my nerves.
So I had to fire her black ass.
Her stank black ass.
No.
There is no world.
There's no universe.
-Oh, my god. -You got, "fired her ass."
You got, "fired her black ass."
Then, you've got, "fired her stank black ass."
There's no way that I...
Can say that.
If you say this one, it's over.
I am so nervous.
I just feel like I need a panel...
Of people to tell me this is okay.
You have all the panel you need right there.
I don't have a phone on me.
Okay. Great.
"she was getting on my last nerve,
So I had to fire her black ass."
Yeah. No.
-Here we go. -No.
Murr: Go, go, go, go, go.
You're getting on my last nerve.
Murr: Okay, hang up. Deliver the line.
No, I had to -- I had to. I had to fire her black ass.
[ yelling ]
Oh, my god!
Her stank black ass I had to fire.
[ yelling ]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god.
Murr: I can't believe you said it.
Work, bitch. Work, bitch.
If it's the last thing I ever do, fields,
I'm getting you for this.
Oh, my god.
-You're done. -You are done-done.
-You're done. You're done. -You are done.
You work, bitch.
-Did you see their faces drop? -Yes.
I don't know if I've ever, ever, ever, ever felt that way
On this show in my entire life.
I win.
[ cheering and applause ]
Sal: One more time for kim.
Devil.
You're like the devil.
[ laughs ]