[ laughter ]
Ahh!
[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good girl?
[ laughter ]
♪♪
[ laughter ]
With special guest paula abdul.
This is really screwed up.
[ laughter ]
And, action!
You can probably tell by our hats that today,
We're playing directors directing our new film.
Now our producers are going to go recruit
A random passerby off the street
To be the extra in the film.
The catch is, the scene we're directing
Is going to get progressively more bizarre for this actor.
The goal is to get the person
To play out the scene, no matter how bizarre it gets.
And if they refuse,
Go back to directing student films, you hack!
Tail slate.
♪♪
Alright, guys.
Sal: Okay, q.
This young man, his name is abel.
You may notice abel's eyebrows are high.
We didn't know they were gonna be that way.
Our script supervisor, tina,
Did his makeup and thought that he should look angry.
[ laughter ]
Guys, we have abel here.
Come on in. Let me sit you down over here.
Murr: This is a classic mob movie italian dinner scene.
Alex and joe are our mobsters.
Okay, this is joey eyebrows. He's being rude at dinner.
His line goes, "I'm the law!"
Okay. And then you say,
"excuse me, sir, but you could you keep it down?
I'm trying to enjoy my italian meal."
Okay. Okay?
Q, ask abel where he got cast from?
Abel, where'd you get cast from?
Where'd they find you?
I was walking home.
Unbelievable.
Let's go for a take. This is great, guys.
Q, also tell him to say, "I-talian meal."
And just one thing, could you say I-talian?
Okay. Okay, great.
Perfect. And action.
I run this town, you palook.
Me, joey eyebrows.
I decide who lives and who dies.
Capiche? I'm the [bleep] law!
Excuse me, sir, but could you keep it down?
I'm trying to enjoy my I-talian meal.
[ laughter ]
Cut. Great. Wow. Great.
I mean, how are you guys feeling about that?
How you feel about that? Good.
Alright, q, check playback.
Man: Rolling playback. Alright.
We're going to send in some more script pages, okay?
And q, by the way, there's the cup of fake teeth.
[ rattling ]
It's for abel. Great.
Let's see if this guy will put fake teeth in his mouth.
Abel, I'd like to give you a little bit more to do.
Sure. You're killing it.
Alec zucchini, you get up
And you go over there, and then he slaps you.
Okay.
And these are new. These are new teeth.
If you throw them in your mouth
And when he slaps you, just spit the teeth out.
Okay. Okay?
Q, and another thing is, alex, you have diarrhea.
Okay, here's the thing, though.
Alex zucchini is a little uncomfortable.
You've got to play a little bit
Like you have a little bit of, like, diarrhea going on.
Okay. Yeah. Okay?
[ laughter ]
Action.
Me, joey eyebrows, decides who lives and who dies, capiche?
Excuse me, sir, but could you keep it down?
I'm trying to enjoy my I-talian pizza.
This guy kidding me?
Go slap this braciole.
[ mumbles to self ]
[ laughter ]
Murr: The teeth in his mouth!
He's got the teeth in his mouth!
Shut up-a your mouth, you cannoli!
[ teeth clatter ]
Cut! Great job, guys.
Oh, there's one more thing we want to see him do.
We want to see him strangle the boss.
So we got an idea.
You sneak up behind joey eyebrows and say,
"suck my gabagool!
I'm the I-talian mobster boss now."
And then you're strangle him.
[ laughter ]
We feel good? Everybody feel good?
Q, remind joe that he also has diarrhea.
Okay, and joey eyebrows, you know, your mother's food
Kind of gave you a little diarrhea sometimes. Okay.
And action.
Murr: Uh-oh, uh-oh!
Here comes abel the assassin!
Suck my gabagool!
[ laughter ]
I'm the I-talian mobster boss now!
Oh! My diarrhea! My diarrhea!
[ choking ]
Have him dab!
Okay, great. Now do you know how to dab?
Dab? Yeah.
Let it go and then just start walking offscreen like this.
Okay. Action.
[ laughs ] salud!
Keep dabbing! Keep dabbing!
Multiple dabs. Multiple dabs.
[ laughter ]
And cut!
Yes!
We got some good stuff in there.
Q: Alright, murr. Send him in.
Alright, here's your actor for the day, murr.
Joseph? I'm dan. How are you doing?
This is our director, james.
Hey, joe. How are you, man?
So, joe, they have just completed surgery on you.
You're a burn victim, okay?
So you can be under the sheet.
Come on in, buddy.
Sal: In the scene today is dan green, johnna and joe imburg.
You're pretty calm, man.
I would think a movie director would be a little bit more...
Like murray? Yeah.
One second! Alright, murr.
Wrap his entire head in bandages,
And you're going to tell him to peel off the bandages
And go, "my face! My face!"
And then spit at the mirror.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, it's not reading like he's a burn victim,
So we're gonna wrap your face with gauze, okay?
No problem. And then I want you to sit up.
I want you to slowly unwrap the bandages, call for a mirror,
And then four or five times, "my face, my face, my face!"
Spit on the mirror,
And then I want to see a flurry of activity, okay?
Okay. He's looking around like,
"what did I get myself into?"
[ laughter ]
I won't cover your nose.
Dan cass, go up to murr and go, "sir, sir."
And then murr, just snap at him.
Sir... Not now, dan!
Okay.
Okay, that's pretty believable. Okay. Okay.
You can lay back down.
Okay. Roll camera!
Say, "I don't say 'action.' I say 'boom.'"
You don't know this, joe,
But I don't say "action," I say "boom."
Ready, set, boom!
15 hours in surgery. We did all we could.
You did your best. It's in god's hands now.
And his will be done.
[ laughter ]
Can you hand me a mirror?
And also, by the way, he's not burned.
Yeah, his face is flawless.
My face.
My face!
My face! My face!
[ spits ]
Oh! What did you do?
I tried. I tried!
His face is beef!
And boom!
Very good. Roll playback.
It was a great scene by the end.
I think it just needs a little bit more intensity, pal.
Tell him to really be, like, horrified
About his face.
I want to do it one more time.
That was excellent. I need ten times more intensity.
Dan, go to interrupt him.
So I want you to, like, really get --
Yell? Yeah, yell it out.
Not now, dan!
Okay, I want you to really yell it out.
Like, "what have you done? What have you done?"
Dan cass, approach murray again, one more time.
Can my --
Dan, just step away.
Ready? And boom!
We did the best we could.
♪♪
It's so much bandage!
[ gagging ]
Can I have that mirror?
My face.
What have you done to my face?
Where's my wife?
What did you do?
I'm sorry! I did my best.
And blame the doctor for what he's done.
Blame the doctor!
This is all your fault!
No, it's not my fault.
I didn't call "boom" yet.
[ laughter ]
Boom, murray. Boom.
Okay, great. Excellent.
Murr: Okay, sal. Welcome to your scene, buddy.
This is a classic interrogation scene,
And we're grilling a suspect -- a perp, if you will.
Our producer, alyssa carlee is there, and simmy kustanowitz.
Here comes your actor.
What's your name? Valerie.
Valerie? Yeah.
Murr: Here's your mexican gang member.
This poor woman, a visitor to our fair city.
Was just walking down the street,
And now suddenly she's playing a gang member
In sal's scene.
It's an experience for me. [ chuckles ]
I'm not an actress.
You sons of bitches.
Oh, you just picked up on the accent?
Yeah.
Alright, guys, let's settle in.
So, valerie, in this scene,
They're basically interrogating you.
And one more thing, sal.
The du-rag that's on the table,
Yeah, we would like it on her for the scene.
Yes, please.
Valerie, you look so nice.
I need you to look more tough.
Can I put this on your head? Is that okay?
Okay, I'll put it on you right now.
Oh, my god.
She's going to do it. She's going to do everything.
Okay, just like that. Does that feel okay?
Okay? Okay. Okay.
Okay, so the first line here, valerie, is...
♪♪
Sal: Alright, valerie, so I just want to go over the lines with you.
Q: This is the part where she gets up and walks out.
Okay, so the first line here, valerie,
Is, "hey, ese. You think you loco?
You no loco. I'm loco.
You've been tailing her for six months and you've had enough.
There's also sexual tension between you two cops.
And there's also...
I think, let's do a thing.
Let's do a thing where there's
Unspoken sexual tension between you guys.
[ laughter ]
Alright.
Raw sexual tension.
Don't forget, guys, sexual tension.
You could cut it with a knife, okay?
Action!
This vata doesn't want to speak up.
Hey, hey, ese.
You think you're loco?
You're not loco. I'm loco.
Smells like bullshit to me!
Cut. Okay.
The next line is...
Simmy can't stand his own bit.
Because she says it smells like bullshit.
Yeah, okay, you say,
"the only thing I smell is bacon, mother[bleep]."
And then you say, "oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!"
Okay. [ chuckles ]
I'll try.
Ooh, she said, "I'll try it."
She's gonna do it.
Let's take it from the top.
Where's that sexual tension?
You guys, take a look at each other
In the eyes real quick for me.
Just hold it. Look in the eyes and hold it.
I just want to build that tension.
Okay.
Action!
This vato doesn't want to speak up.
Hey, hey, ese.
Do you think you're loco?
You're not loco. I'm loco.
Smells like bullshit to me.
The only thing I'll smell is bacon, mother[bleep].
[ oinking ]
Cut. Excellent. Excellent.
So one thing I just...
One thing.
[ laughter ]
Let me check the footage.
I'm dying. I'm enthralled.
Murr: We sent another script,
Just with a little bit more lines for her, okay?
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god. Guys, that was perfect.
If we could do that again, I'll be happy.
Alright. Okay?
The next line after this,
He says, "that's enough" and slams his hand down.
Would you be willing to say,
"your mother is enough, you [bleep]"?
[ laughter ]
"your mother is enough, you [bleep]."
Oh, my god. She's practicing her line.
She's the most professional one there.
Here we go. Action!
[ oinking ]
That's enough, santiago!
Your mother is enough, you [bleep] you suck [bleep]!
No...
Perfect. Perfect! Perfect!
Guys, come on.
Wow! Well done!
That was so good.
She did it! Wow.
Sal, murr, and q directed a win,
Keeping them safe from the loser board.
Today, we're getting thrown out of this door
Because of something embarrassing we did inside.
But, shucks, we left our wallet in there.
The catch is, we have to get a passerby to come back in here
And retrieve that wallet,
Despite the ridiculous thing that we got tossed out for.
If you can't get a stranger
To go back inside for you, you lose.
Dan: Let's go, guys!
Oh!
Murray, you worm!
♪♪
I don't like how serious dan looks right now.
I'm getting nervous.
This is going to be great. Get ready, dan cass.
How about this person?
Oh, geez. Ready?
Let's do it!
Come on. Come on!
Oh, god!
Are you kidding me?
I'm not telling you again!
Sal: She's dead in her tracks.
You saw that, right?
Can you help me out for one second?
[ laughter ]
It's a reset. Let's go again.
That couple.
Tell you when?
Q: I'll tell you when. Go!
Get out of here!
Are you kidding me? Come on!
Dan manhandling him will never get old.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
What -- what --
This guy threw me out, man.
He threw me out for a b.S. Reason, too. What was it?
Not my fault that [bleep] has a hot wife.
It's not my fault the guy has a hot wife.
[ laughter ]
The guy's like, well, I get it now.
I hit on his wife and then he threw me out of the place.
The worst part is, my wallet's still inside.
Can you do me a solid, man?
Can you go grab my wallet for me, please?
If I go in there, he's gonna throw me out again.
It's in there on the left. You'll see it.
Just don't hit on his wife is the important thing.
She's, like, slamming hot.
[ cheering ]
Good samaritan!
Yes!
[ laughter ]
This is great.
Me and dan kind of do something very similar to this
On weekends anyway.
So this is -- this is pretty good.
Murr: Ready, guys?
On your mark, get set, go!
Come on, man! Come on, dude!
Get out of here!
And stay out!
Come on, man!
That was all for nothing, q.
Go! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
And stay out!
Red hoodie!
Q, someone else wants to take a turn throwing him.
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't you ever touch a black woman's hair!
[ horn honks ]
[bleep] you.
I touched a black woman's hair.
My wallet's inside. Would you grab my wallet for me?
Just don't touch that black woman's hair. It'll be fine.
Yeah, it's right in there. There's a wallet right in there.
It's right on the table there.
You'll be fine.
Just don't touch that black woman's hair.
[ cheering ]
What a good samaritan helping him out.
[ laughter ]
Alright, I can't get my clothes messed up. Sure.
That's a concern of mine.
Murr: What about this strapping man?
Go ahead. Right now. Right now?
I don't know if I'm ready. Okay.
Come on, man. Seriously, it's not --
Get the hell out of here!
♪♪
Murr: What about this strapping man?
Go ahead.
Right now. Right now? Yeah, right now.
I don't know if I'm ready. Okay.
Come on, man, seriously! It's not --
Get the hell out of here!
And stay out!
You're awfully close to that gutter water.
No. Is it -- is it, though?
Yeah, you're basically in the gutter, sal.
My wallet's in there.
They kicked me out. Here's what happened.
A man can't make love to his own wife
In the handicapped stall anymore?
A man can't make love to his own wife
In the handicapped stall anymore?
You got to go in and get my wallet.
It's right on the table in there.
You can grab it for me. They won't let me in.
Here's your wallet.
[ laughter ]
Yeah.
So sal can't win!
The point is that I've been doing it all day.
I appreciate it.
Stay out!
[ laughter ]
Q: You lost.
Sal was tossed to the curb,
Making him tonight's big loser.
Yes!
It is time for sal's punishment, and to help us out tonight
Is our dear friend a legendary pop star
And sal's childhood crush, paula abdul.
Alright, listen, sal.
I'm hosting an exclusive meet and greet
With some of my amazing fans,
And I thought it'd be fun if you joined us.
Okay, that sounds like fun. So what's the bad part?
You know the drill.
You just got to shut up and do what you're told.
Hi, guys. Hi!
Hi.
What a treat tonight is, huh?
Four lucky fans have been invited along with sal
To join paula abdul tonight,
And sal's about to ruin their dinner.
Hi, everybody. Hi.
Pleasure to meet you guys.
I haven't been out in so long, and I'm so excited.
Murr: Sal, you know, paula's very funny.
Just overly laugh at everything she says.
Did so man tours. George michael...
Yeah. How was that?
I'd be freaking out beforehand,
And I'd be slapping my face going,
"oh, my god, I don't know what I'm doing."
[ laughs loudly ]
[ laughter continues ]
I felt that, yeah.
Sal, I think it would be really funny
If you shoved your mouth with food
And then had a laughing fit with food falling out of your mouth.
Are you planning to ever, like, record again?
I miss your music.
That's what I need to say.
You're retired. Take it easy.
Oh, no. Oh, no. No!
[ laughing ]
Oh, god.
That almost choked me.
That was so disgusting.
Just trying to get that visual out of my head.
Murr: Alright, sal, time to take this to the next level.
This girl to your right,
The next thing she says, shush her.
[ laughter ]
You know what I suggest?
If any of you guys can see
The michael broadway show, michael jackson.
Oh, I had tickets to it.
Shh.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god.
Definitely see the musical.
Paula, how much did you get paid on "american idol"?
Ooh, that's a rough one.
How about, we talk a little bit about "american idol"?
What would you like to hear?
Um, how much did you make on it?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, you don't ask that kind of question.
That's personal.
I think you should ask another question.
Let's keep the questions light.
"paula, when I was a kid,
I learned the words to straight up' backwards.
You want to hear it?"
I've been obsessed with your lyrics.
When I was little, I would memorize the lyrics
Backwards and sing them.
Oh, come on. Yeah.
Really?
♪ me love you do, me love you do-do ♪
♪ now I'll come ♪
[ laughter ]
Oh, sal, they are not impressed at all, bud.
Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.
Slam that martini, buddy.
[ laughter ]
Any other questions?
Sal, in the bag under your chair there, we planted a camera.
Take a couple of photos. Ohh.
[ sighs ] [bleep].
I wanted to talk to you about, I'm going to be performing
At the macy's thanksgiving day parade.
[ fans exclaiming ]
[ camera shutter clicks ]
[ laughter ]
You just kind of like, without asking...
I said, "can I take any photos?"
What people do that's not...
I'm sorry.
We can get someone to take it.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
We'll do it in a few minutes when we're leaving.
Oh, I got a question.
I got a question. I got a question.
I have a question.
I'm sure you do.
When you came up with the idea of m.C. Scat cat...
One of my favorite songs is "opposites attract."
When you came up with m.C. Scat cat...
Did you know that "scat" means "poop"?
Scat means poop. Yeah, google it.
[ laughter ].
I didn't know that.
I thought "scat" means "go away." scat.
No, I swear to god.
When I was little, I was like, m.C. Poop cat.
Murr: This guy is losing it.
Q: Alright, sal, prove it to them on your phone.
I can show you. I can show you guys.
Oh, no. No, no.
Scat as [bleep]. Scat...
[ laughter ]
You don't have to prove it.
Honestly, please don't pull it up.
I don't want to see.
Okay, I was right.
See?
You didn't have to confirm that. Like, really? Come on.
You just killed the vibe,
And amanda was making her point.
Who's amanda?
Right here.
Oh, my god.
I'm amanda, and you're comparing --
You're -- you're --
Here we go!
Q: Keep pushing her, sal.
What are you trying to say?
You're gonna get me heated.
[ laughter ]
You just gotta -- you just gotta --
This has just turned loud, basically.
Guys, you know what? It's not even worth it.
You want to break sal?
Break him. Break him, baby! Break him!
Can we send cole in as the producer there?
Excuse me. I'm -- I'm so sorry.
Is one of you sal?
That's me. That's you?
Yeah, I just got a call.
Your covid test came back positive.
Murr: Oh, my god!
♪♪
Cole: Is one of you, sal?
That's me. That's you?
Yeah, I just got a call.
Your covid test came back positive.
Murr: Oh, my god.
No, that's impossible. I tested twice today myself.
They just let me know, and it's urgent.
That's definitely, definitely impossible.
I swear to god. I would never do that.
Okay, now, sal, sal. Don't leave the table.
That's not okay. Are you for real? I'll go get another test.
I'll just be quiet till the test comes.
I'll do it. Can you leave?
Like... Um!
But then I'm not any part of it anymore.
Right.
Yeah, it's for the safety of other.
The thing is, you're affecting all of our wellbeing.
Cole, just go in right now and be like,
"what the hell are you doing? We told you, you have covid."
Cole: Hey, yeah, sorry. So we just triple-checked.
You're for sure positive.
Oh, [bleep]!
Sal, bag up all the food and get out of there.
This is not good.
Sorry, can you just pass the empanadas and I'll go?
No!
Oh, my god. You're taking the food?
[ laughter ]
You just go. Come on.
Alright. Alright. This is really screwed up.
I know I don't have it. If you don't want me to get patterson on you,
Then just go.
[ laughter ]
Do "straight up" backwards.
♪ love, love me do-do ♪
♪ now on come -- ♪
[ laughter ]
Sal, take a picture through the glass.
I feel bad because you sat next to him.
You sat next to him.
Stop taking pictures of me!
[ laughter ]
Awesome job, paula. So fun.