[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
Today, we are working as managers at roll-n-roaster.
The goal is to throw somebody out of the restaurant.
The catch is you don't know who it is
And you don't know why you're tossing 'em.
If the customers stop you from throwing this person out,
You lose.
Alright, murr, scan that room and see
If you can pick up on what's going to go down.
Yeah. I'm looking. I don't see anyone yet.
Uh-oh. Q: Oh!
Is that a young woman breastfeeding her newborn child?
Oh, no. No. That just don't fly around these parts.
Shut it down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Ma'am, you cannot be breastfeeding your child in here.
You have to -- you have to step out.
I'm sorry. Q and sal: [ laugh ]
You cannot be doing that here.
Oh, yeah, baby. What's that?
No, I know, but you cannot breastfeed your child in the --
It's a restaurant.
It's natural. Wow.
The people of brooklyn are standing up for her. Whoa!
"this isn't onlyfans, ma'am." [ laughs ]
This is not onlyfans.
We do not want to see your breasts in a restaurant.
Okay? So I am sorry.
Q and sal: [ laughing ]
Yeah. Here comes this guy.
You have to leave right now.
I am absolutely going to throw you out.
Yeah. I mean, you guys agree with me, right?
What? How am I wrong here? I don't get it.
You guys came for beef, not bosom.
You see this, right?
There is no outside food or drink.
Your baby's both eating and drinking.
So, I'm just defending the -- the restaurant policy.
I mean, you guys agree with me on this, am I right?
I feel like they do.
No one? Sir.
Man: No one does.
[ laughter ]
Alright, fine.
Everyone line up to see free bosom.
I guess.
[ laughter ]
She's -- he'd give you a beating.
Whoa! Do you think your husband can take me?
Um... Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Fine. I guess I'm the jerk here.
"I'm a good man."
I'm a good man. I'm a good man.
[ laughter ]
Aren't I? [ ding! ]
Ready? Q: Alright, buddy.
Who are you gonna throw out on the streets of brooklyn now?
I'm looking around right now to see.
Excuse me, everyone. Hi.
I just want to announce that our church group
Just got $10,000 in donations.
[ cheers and applause ]
Whoo! Praise jesus.
Our makeup artist, lilibeth,
Is the leader of the church group.
One of the most beloved crew members today
Here to torture sal.
And I would love for us to sing for y'all
And rejoice of this.
Come on, now, come on.
Q: Alright, sal,
Throw out the singing church group.
[ laughs ] no singing allowed in the old roll-n-roaster, baby.
[ clapping, singing ]
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ oh, this little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪ good luck.
♪ this little light of mine ♪ no!
Oh, this little light, baby.
No! ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
No! No, no! ♪ let it shine ♪
Stop! No, no! No, no, no, no.
Guys, please, I can't -- I'm the manager.
You can't sing like this. It's a disruption, guys.
Guys, we need to shut it down.
Enough, guys, please. I can't have this in here.
I'm so sorry. God bless you all. God bless.
[ laughter ]
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry.
You gotta get out, guys.
Excuse me. Nobody wants to hear this.
"get out!"
Get out of here!
Shine outside. Shine it outside.
[ singing continues ]
Sing your song walking, lady.
I'm sorry.
Woman: Jesus!
I'm so sorry.
Sorry. Sorry about that. Praise be. Order 469.
Q and murr: [ laugh ]
No one stopped him.
Oh, wow. Wow.
Let's just keep rollin' and roastin', people.
Let's keep rollin' and roastin'.
[ ding! ]
Q: Alright, look around.
[ laughs ] I see johnna.
Is that mia? Is that mia?
Sal: Mia cast. Dan cast's daughter. That's dan cast's daughter.
Where's dan?
What is this? Oh.
Wait, there's dan cast.
Is he returning home from the military?
Oh, my god.
Is he surprising his daughter?
It's a military reunion with mom, daughter, and dad.
[ screams excitedly ]
Dan: Good to see you. How are you?
[ applause ]
Wow. Yeah!
Alright. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
No videoing in here. No video.
Sorry. No videoing. I'm going to need you to --
If you want to shoot, you're gonna have to delete that video.
If you want to shoot stuff like this, you -- you can't --
Oh! Oh! Yeah!
Yeah, I go -- I come home from work every night.
I don't take a video doing it, like...
Yeah.
You're not allowed to shoot videos in here.
Oh! This guy's like, "I'm taking a video, too."
Let's go, daddy. Let's go, poppa.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
I'm on the front lines of roll-n-roaster.
[ laughter ]
Are you -- go home. Go home.
I am home.
[ laughing ]
Get outta here! No, no, you gotta get outta here.
Get outta here! No! You get out of here!
Back to the deserts. Back to the deserts with him.
What are you, some kind of asshole?
Q: Get outta here! Man: No, no, you gotta get outta here.
Get outta here! You get outta here!
Back to the deserts with him.
What are you, some kind of asshole?
If there wasn't a lot of people here,
You'd be on the [bleep] floor right now.
Murr and sal: Oh!
I think we all learned something today is my point.
About how brotherhood -- man --
[ laughs ]
"round of applause, if you agree."
Round of applause, if you agree with me.
Oh, man. That was -- that was...
Q's leaving.
Oh, god.
[ ding! ]
Narrator: The customer is always right.
And murr is always wrong.
So he's first up on the loser board.
Today, we're at olly olly market,
And we're having a little disagreement with our spouse.
The goal is to enlist the help of a stranger
To butt in and say, "excuse me,
I couldn't help but overhear,"
And then completely take our side.
Your side of the argument
Will be given to you by the other guys.
If you can't get the stranger to say
Exactly what you told them, you lose.
[ blows raspberry ]
Q: Alright.
Sal: Johnna will be playing murray's wife today.
It's a safety issue? Yes.
I don't even know what that means.
I just want to be safe. It's a fair thing.
Okay. It is completely safe. I'm telling you. You know?
Geez. You riding my balls here.
[ laughs ] okay. He's listening.
I'll be right back. I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
Okay.
The guy at the end is also engaged.
You got everybody engaged.
Pick your choice, murray.
You hear this?
Here's what we're debating, okay?
"so every time we go on the boat..."
Every time we go on the boat...
"...She covers up with this ridiculous life jacket."
...She covers up with this ridiculous life jacket.
"instead of just being herself, you know what I mean?
Letting herself be."
Instead of just being herself. You know what I mean?
Like, just letting herself be on the boat.
Maybe you could help me out.
When she comes back, could you say, uh,
"excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear."
"you saw on the news..."
You saw on the news...
"...That someone in a life jacket fell in the water..."
...That someone wearing a life jacket fell in the water...
"...And the force of the water..."
...And the force of the water...
"...Pushed the jacket up."
...Pushed the jacket up.
"it popped her head off." popped her head off.
Gone. Decapitated.
Q and sal: [ laughing ]
Make it deadly serious.
I need your help.
[ laughter ]
Oh, geez. Well, you know what to say, bud.
I need you.
Hi, love. Love...
Sal: He's leaving. He's just getting up.
Life jackets are not safe to wear on a boat.
Right, sir?
No, no, no, no. Byron! Byron!
Byron. I was serious.
Q: Dude, byron is leaving a dust trail behind him
On the way out the door. [ laughs ]
Alright, we'll give you a second chance.
Gonna give you a chance with the other guy. With the other guy.
I left my phone in the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
Did you hear this debate I'm having with my wife?
[ laughter ]
Do me a solid, 'cause byron left me hanging out to dry.
I need you to say that you saw something on the news
That somebody wearing a life jacket fell off a boat,
And the force of the water hit them so hard
That the life jacket made their head pop off.
You got it? Hi, love.
Enough of the debate.
I'm telling you, you don't need a life jacket on our boat. I do.
It's the seatbelt of the boat.
Q: "you don't even need a life jacket on the boat."
I don't know if you saw that thing on the news.
What was on the news?
You just said it when my wife was in the bathroom.
No, um... It was the woman's head.
No, listen... The head.
Don't byron me.
He was telling me that he saw in the news
A woman's head popped off from wearing a life jacket.
That's fact. Wow. Yeah.
You're so full of shit.
We had a whole thing.
Let me tell you, man,
If you were ever in the same situation,
I'll be your byron.
[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]
Alright, babe. Murr: Alright.
Look, I don't want to, like, belabor this too much.
I feel like it's, like, just too mature.
Do you know what I mean?
Q: In what way is it too mature? Sal: Oh, she's in.
People gotta grow up sometime. And --
Yeah, but, like, why t-- why today,
And why immediately with such an intense subject matter?
Oh, I wonder what this could be about.
Yeah. I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'm telling you, q, we're not taking it easy on you on this one.
Oh, boy.
Let me get your opinion on this. Like, if you don't mind.
"I'm trying to teach the kid about history."
I'm trying to teach the kid about history.
"and I want to show him some subject matter
That she doesn't think is appropriate just yet."
And I want to show him some subject matter
That she doesn't think is appropriate just yet.
And, you know, if you could do me a solid, actually,
When she sits back down, if you could be like,
"oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear."
"but I'm a teacher."
But I'm a teacher.
"and it is common..."
And it is common...
"...To show the hanging of hussein to a fifth grader."
...To sh-- to --
It is common to show the hanging of hussein
To a fifth grader.
Do you remember who saddam hussein was?
He was the dictator in the middle east.
You're a teacher. You should know this.
No, no, no, no.
Anyway, I feel like, hey, man, fifth grade is a good time
To teach the lesson of if you do bad things,
There are consequences.
I thought you just wanted to teach about history.
Not that if you do something, you can get hung.
So I need you, as a teacher, to jump in and be like,
Totally common for a fifth grader
To see saddam hussein get hung.
That would be great. That'd be great.
Oh. [ shushing ]
Hey, babe. Hey. Hey.
Babe. How you doing, sweetheart?
We, uh... What were you just saying?
[ laughter ]
Babe, it's just like, he's never gonna learn.
What were you saying before? She was saying something before.
No, no, I was not saying anything.
You were a teacher and... No.
You're were teacher, and it was totally common
That you showed people getting hung in your class constantly.
[ laughter ]
Nothing.
She said that. That's a teacher.
[ ding! ]
Sal, you're up, and joining you
Is our dear friend, comedian adam ray.
So, adam, when you sit, you're going to be a little peeved
At sal, your husband, okay?
I just don't know why you would say that.
Q: Uh-oh. Adam: It feels like a word
That not everybody even knows how to use.
He's in. Sal: That was a heat of the moment thing, okay?
It really bothered me, baby. Like...
No, I know, but what do you want me to say? I don't know what to say.
I want you to say not that word to me ever again.
Q: Uh-oh. Alright. Get up. Go to the bathroom.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I heard they have a bidet here.
I want to try it out. "I don't even have to go."
I just want to try it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Q: This guy heard.
Trust me, he heard everything.
I don't know if you heard that.
I try not to. A little embarrassed, but he's a little upset
Because I, uh... "he's mad I called him a bastard, but I didn't."
He's upset with me because he said I called him a bastard.
"I said, you're acting like a bastard."
I said he's acting like a bastard.
I hear that. Yeah, yeah.
When he comes back, can you do me a favor?
Maybe you could just say, "I heard you guys.
And I'd just like to say there is a difference
Between calling someone a bastard
Or saying someone is acting like a bastard."
You know, I can't relate to that.
But... Two seconds.
He's very sweet. I mean, it's not like he's a...
Yeah, also, you're an architect.
Maybe you -- maybe you could, uh...
His dad's an architect. He respects architects.
His father's an architect. He really respects architects.
Maybe you could just be like...
You're an architect as well.
Nah, I can't go that far.
Uh-oh. Sal: I'll -- I'll -- I'll -- I'll -- hey.
I'll ask -- yeah.
Sal: He's upset with me because he said I called him a bastard.
I'll -- I'll -- I'll -- I'll -- hey.
I'll ask -- yeah.
[ laughter ]
I am s-- I just want to move past it for tonight.
Adam: You said I'm a bastard. But I didn't say that, right?
I said that you were acting like that.
Anybody -- anybody would probably understand
What I'm trying to say.
That...It's a little less bad than we feel.
"any architect will say that."
Anybody will say that -- an astronaut, architect,
Anybody would say it.
He's laughing, he shook his head.
Oh, adam, you left something in the bathroom, buddy.
I left my phone in the bathroom.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Alright, alright.
Okay. Please. Thank you so much. Okay.
Go, adam, go. Introduce this guy as an architect, sal.
Hey. Can I just say something? Can't find my phone.
What? My friend, uh, well, a new friend of mine.
This guy's an architect, and...
Q and murr: [ laughing ]
My dad's an architect. Q: Adam, you love architects.
I'm -- I love architects.
Architects are awesome.
What is -- what is your favorite architecture book?
Frank lloyd wright, he told me.
I don't wanna get too involved in this.
Yeah. If he's saying you're acting like a bastard,
He's not calling you a bastard.
That's it. That's all I wanna say.
Thank you so much. That's all.
Because this is an innocent bystander architect.
No. I'm not an architect. Yeah.
No, I'm not.
[ laughter ]
Well, I, sir, do not trust you, then.
I have no time for fake architects.
Good day in bidet.
Don't be so loud.
Q: Good day in bidet. [ ding! ]
Narrator: Murr and q couldn't get any back up,
Making murr tonight's big loser.
Okay. Okay, so james s. Murray lost.
And for his punishment, we're here at the mysterious bookshop
For a book reading by our buddy
And multi-platinum bestselling author, brad meltzer.
All you have to do is sit amongst brad's biggest fans
During the event, and that's it.
Oh, we did make a snack for you to eat.
So that's all you gotta do, you just sit down,
You just open that bag up, and you finish your supper.
That's it. Let's get cracking. Mm-hmm.
Suspicious.
Let's give a nice warm welcome to mr. Brad meltzer.
[ applause ]
So first of all,
This is a really intimate event we're doing.
So we are here at brad meltzer's book event.
Look around the room. These are well-read people.
I don't think they have any time
For murray finishing his supper tonight.
Well, let's get that odor in the air.
Why don't you open it, buddy, and see what you'll be eating?
The zipper is loud.
Yes, it is three loose lobsters with drawn butter
And the cracking utensils you need.
[ laughter ]
This is gonna be a feast fit for a king.
Does it just smell like cooked crustacean in that room now?
Also, murray, just to let you know,
I had them shut off the ac.
[ laughter ]
So it's a little warm in there as well.
When I was 22 years old...
You should get to eating, bro.
I don't have to tell you.
Oh, my god.
Do you want to know who the next hero is?
Yes. Yes.
That's 6 pounds of lobster.
Oh. Oh, there she goes. She just noticed.
[ lobster shell cracking ] she's like, "is that a [bleep] lobster?"
[ laughter ]
[ slurping ]
So are you ready for some fun?
Murr: Yes.
Get that tail meat, bro.
[ shell cracking ]
Oh! Ew, did you hear that?
Yeah. All those lobster juices. Oh!
Brad, just do two quick sniffs to the air
Like you smell something, but don't mention it.
[ sniffs ]
Sal: [ laughing ] this is great.
And I know everybody's excited to hear more about the viper.
Alright. You got some lobster juices on those books.
Q and sal: She's wiping it off.
She's wiping off your drawn butter off the book.
It's like when you're in college, right?
Q and sal: [ laughing ]
Q: [ stammering ]
[ laughing hysterically ]
Q: She just got hit with lobster shrapnel.
Sal: She's like, this can't be happening.
Get that claw meat. Get that claw meat.
Man: He sat there, and I remember there was this kid, morty...
Oh! Oh!
[ laughter ]
Murr, just give me a small, very small, mm.
Brad: No, yeah, so definitely throw your children's toys away.
Mm.
[ whispers ] what's that?
Sal and q: [ laugh ]
So president clinton...
Q: Murray, hit it with some citrus.
...And read my book, "the first conspiracy"...
[ lobster shell cracking ]
The crowd is whispering about you.
Sal: It's a game of telephone.
[ slurps ] mm.
You got some, uh, some street corn in there as well.
Let's have at that a little bit.
[ laughs ] look -- look at this lady.
She's like, "he is not going for the cob."
[ corn crunching ]
Ew, you hear his stupid lips smacking
Like they always do? [ lips smacking ]
It's so gross.
How do you think they should begin that journey?
What is step one? [ choking ]
Sal: It's so loud.
Q: Look at all that corn.
You have corn all over your chin.
[ lip smacking ] you don't do it on Tuesday, and then Wednesday you're like,
"I'm going to write three on Wednesday."
Q: Murr, gonna tell her to be quiet.
Sal: Oh! Q: [ laughing hysterically ]
After you just ate a 2-pound lobster and a cob of corn,
You're telling him shush.
Pass them corn. There's an extra corn.
This is an emotional night for me.
Q: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to this woman
In her entire life.
He's walking in the room.
You could ask the almighty, to be exact.
This is -- oh, my god, dude.
People are reassigning their own seats.
She just needs to get some fresh air.
You're like a raccoon rooting through my garbage at night.
God. There's another lobster.
Sal and q: [ laughing hysterically ]
Look at the lobster on his chinos.
Murr, murr, murr, slowly turn the lobster
To look at the lady in blue.
This lady I can't believe it.
Q: Murr, gnaw at that lobster tail.
[ shell crunching ]
Murr, just look at her go, "I found this bag."
[ whispers ] there were four lobsters in here. I found this bag.
Q: Another sniff or two, brad.
[ sniffs ]
Man: This is a question we got from...
Yes. Don't give up.
[ shell cracking ]
Everyone's getting hit with the juice.
She's -- she's leaving.
[ slurping loudly ]
It has gotta smell so god awful.
Murr: Yeah.
Another lobster?
Lean to the lady to your right and go,
"I'm definitely getting the seafood shits."
I'm definitely getting the seafood shits.
Q: Brad, notice some cracking. I'm sorry.
Do I hear something here?
She -- here we go.
Is something going on back there?
Don't worry about it, brad.
Is that crackling back there?
Do I actually have a lobster there?
Is it time to get rid of this guy?
Yes. Yes?
What are you talking about?
We've dealt with you enough.
Like, the chapter is done, baby. It's time to go.
Um, you know, skinny, drunk, and stupid
Is no way to go through life.
[ laughter ]
Should we get him out of here now, everyone?
Yeah. All: [ clapping ]
This guy's bouncing you.
Sir, please leave!
Okay, okay!
[ applause ] yeah!