[ coughing ]
Aaaaaah!
Aaaaahhhhhh!
[ crash ]
[ jazz music playing ]
[ screaming ]
♪♪
[ screaming continues ]
♪♪
[ screaming continues ]
[ crash, baby crying ]
[ breathes deeply ]
[ grunts ]
[ whispering ] it's okay.
Daddy just has to work.
♪♪
[ grunts ]
[ laughs ]
[ crash ]
[ grunts ]
[ screaming ]
♪♪
[ sighs ]
[ panting ]
♪♪
♪ super-dope, fresh with the lingo ♪
[ man rapping indistinctly ]
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ applause ]
♪♪
So, vladimir putin -- you hear about this guy?
More like vladimir "poopin'."
He went into chipotle, and he played his own game
Of russian roulette. You know what I mean?
[ laughs ]
He made russian dressing.
I mean, his asshole was raw after that burrito bowl.
He rushed into -- what did he rush into? Crimea?
Yeah, "crimea" river. [cry me a]
Am I right, putin?
Anyway, I think he's doing a heck of a job.
And guess what. He's still my president.
[ "hail to the chief" plays ]
[ rock music plays ]
It's time to go to school.
[ distorted voice ] ♪ oh, yeah ♪
All right. So let's fill all those in and see how you do.
Those are questions about me.
[ up-tempo music plays ] paper...
Hey, teach, what's up? What's up?
[ whispering ] sorry. It was taco Tuesday in the cafeteria.
What'd I miss? Can I copy off of you?
If you're finished, raise your hand.
Okay. We've got one that's finished.
Hey, you want to play basketball later?
And then you say the language.
You want to play basketball later?
Later. Later. We're on number four now.
"for the average person..."
[ farts ]
A-plus!
Hi. Oh, that's my pizza.
Perfect. Thank you, brother.
[ munch! ]
Oh, shit.
Want some pizza to calm your nerves?
You want a cigarette?
Cigarette? Teacher: Yes, ma'am.
♪♪
We have iaps. That's where you go to school.
Ooh! Ooh! [ grunting ]
♪♪
All right.
Sick! Oh, shit.
I'm a new character.
...The answer, raise your hand.
Fierce!
[ cheers and applause ]
[ ringtone playing ] oh, I've got to take this, guys.
[ door closes ] guys, now we can do a senior prank on her.
All the test papers are here.
If I burn them, we'll all get a's.
We're all gonna get a's if she loses the test, dude.
[ laughs ]
[ laughter continues ]
Lorena, where are you going?
[bleep] you.
Lorena.
[ echoing ] lorena.
Shit.
♪ every day that you're gone ♪
♪ I can't carry on without you ♪
I found my kids on instagram and facebook.
That's how you found your kids? Mm-hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen, the white idris elba,
Jon hamm.
[ cheers and applause ]
Wow! What a handsome, handsome man.
Come here. Come on.
Ohh! Oh, my god!
[ inhaling deeply ]
[ distorted voice ] the hamm man.
[ normal voice ] jean-claude van hamm. Hamm!
Sit down, you guy-smiley- looking [bleep]. Thank you.
You could play woody from "toy story" on broadway.
Do you get that a lot? I would like to. I would like to.
Jon! Jon!
Hey. Hey.
You don't remember me?
It's me -- malik!
Malik!
Hmm?
We went to school together. Come on, jon.
Yeah, mr. Hollywood!
Do you know him?
Uh, no. [ applause ]
And you're married to ellie kemper or something?
Nope.
Now, you were in "baby driver."
I was. With kevin spacey.
Yes.
What was it like to blow the whistle
On that scenery-chewing [bleep]?
Wow! [ laughs ]
Was he elbow-deep in teenage boys
The whole time you guys were turning around cameras?
I have to --
I did not witness any... Impropriety.
We heard that you witnessed a lot of it. I...
And you encouraged it.
I also did not do that, at all.
Oh, well, the jury's out. The jury's out.
Nah, jury's in. The jury's out.
I mean, the jury came back.
Here's the thing -- jury is out, jon.
The jury came back -- hey, what happens on "baby driver"
Together: ...Stays on "baby driver."
I mean... You want to see a trick?
I'd love to. All right, check this out.
[ clears throat ]
[ snaps fingers ]
[ circus music plays ]
[ music trills ]
Whoa!
Watch this, my man. Oh, okay.
[ chainsaw whirs ]
Aaaaah!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
[ screaming ] stop! Stop it!
Oh!
[ blood spurts ]
[ music stops ]
Magic sucks.
[ applause ]
[ chainsaw whirs ]
[ woman screams ]
[ elevator music plays ]
[ bell tolling ]
...Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Good evening. Good evening.
Do you have any sins you'd like to confess today?
I have not spoken to my mother since the beginning of the year.
I have a confession of my own.
[ divider scrapes, bangs ]
[ moaning ]
[ boing! ]
Oh, my.
Pleased to meet ya.
This wiener is kosher.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, you know her from black,
You know her from china --
Blac chyna!
[ cheers and applause ]
Blac chyna, everybody. Come on. I'm here.
[ whistling ]
Blac chyna!
You smell good. You smell like baked cupcakes.
Ooh, thanks. Hi.
You look like cleopatra. Thank you.
From egypt. Queen of the nile.
I literally just cut my hair off.
Blac chyna, you are the mao zedong
Of reality television.
Thanks.
So, where did you get your start?
Let's see...Um...
Started out in 2008. I moved to miami.
[ laughter ]
And, um...
[ laughter continues ]
[ laughing ] you are crazy.
[ speaking indistinctly ] [ laughter continues ]
She's a funny lady.
Ahh!
Hey, can you believe they're selling this to kids?
Really? Isn't that [bleep] crazy?
No, it's -- that's absurd. It's absurd.
Why would they sell this to kids?
Hey.
[ chomp! ]
[ audience oohs ] oh...
It's too much sugar.
They want to give this to our children?
Before bedtime?
Nah, they can't be doing that.
Were you born black or did you come up with the stage name
And get a ton of surgery?
I came up with it. [ bell dings ]
Oh, I got more questions.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Okay.
Is there a vaccine for you?
'cause you infected my heart.
[ audience awws ] aww.
Ooh, why would you want to be vaccinated from all this?
I didn't even get pfizer or moderna.
I didn't -- I don't even want to get vaccinated
For coronavirus.
I mean, you don't have to. Just be safe.
Any needle that's going in me
Better have heroin in it, fauci.
[ applause ]
Mm.
[ lighter clicking ]
[ fuse hissing ]
I'm just messing with you.
I was like, okay.
[ screams ] shit!
[ coughing ]
Oh, look, we have another one.
Hey.
[ glass shatters ]
Um... [ farts ]
[ air hissing ]
[deep voice] why would people get the wrong impression of you?
I feel like a lot of people just don't know me,
So they just have their, like, own perception.
They're just projecting their own insecurities on you.
They're using you as a proxy,
As an avatar for their own psychological issues.
Exactly.
[normal voice] maybe it's them
Who need to hold thy mirror to thyself.
Take a picture,
'cause the picture is worth a thousand words,
And words are more meaningful than pictures.
And blood is thicker than water,
And water is beautiful,
And beauty is only skin deep. Skin deep.
And jesus walked upon water. Water.
And he turned water into wine.
And he turned applesauce into weed. Into weed.
[ applause ] wow.
Chyna, you can't even name a single chinese city.
One? Not one.
Nope. [ applause ]
[ clears throat ] you were saying something about --
[ screams ]
When it comes to selling homes,
I'm a little unorthodox.
[ doorbell rings ]
Hey, how you doing? Bruce ellington.
Exciting house.
Real hardwood floors. Great sunlight.
[ clattering ]
Huh! That is weird. [ chuckles ]
So, what are you...
Um, what's that?
That is a leak, and I will have that fixed right away.
It does look like blood.
Well, that's the master bedroom. Check that out.
[ muffled screams ]
♪♪
[ screaming ]
What's going on?
There's a man on a bed
On all fours, that doesn't have any clothes on.
Do you want to put a bid in the house or...?
Who, me?
♪♪
Blac chyna!
I like that michael jackson had a team of doctors
Take him to the edge of death every night.
[as jackson] hoo-hoo! Gimme some propofol, y'all.
I want to knock on the grim reaper's door.
Hoo-hoo!
[normal voice] speaking of which,
Do you mind if I rim the grim reaper?
What do you mean, rim?
Give him a rim job.
♪ rim the reaper ♪
Every lick adds a year to my life.
♪ rim the reaper ♪
[ retching, slurping ]
♪ rim the reaper ♪
[ farts ] ugh!
♪ rim the reaper ♪
Oh, my.