1 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,338 [ coughing ] 2 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,140 Aaaaaah! 3 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,744 Aaaaahhhhhh! 4 00:00:11,746 --> 00:00:13,278 [ crash ] 5 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,546 [ jazz music playing ] 6 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,348 [ screaming ] 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:20,218 ♪♪ 8 00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:22,220 [ screaming continues ] 9 00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,555 ♪♪ 10 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,757 [ screaming continues ] 11 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,891 [ crash, baby crying ] 12 00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,026 [ breathes deeply ] 13 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,495 [ grunts ] 14 00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:31,696 [ grunts ] 15 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:32,897 [ whispering ] it's okay. 16 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:34,232 Daddy just has to work. 17 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,568 ♪♪ 18 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,637 [ grunts ] 19 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:39,638 [ laughs ] 20 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,706 [ crash ] 21 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,907 [ grunts ] 22 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,778 [ screaming ] 23 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,580 ♪♪ 24 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,648 [ sighs ] 25 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,550 [ panting ] 26 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,790 ♪♪ 27 00:00:57,792 --> 00:00:59,257 ♪ super-dope, fresh with the lingo ♪ 28 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:01,059 [ man rapping indistinctly ] 29 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,462 [ cheers and applause ] 30 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:07,732 ♪♪ 31 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:08,733 [ applause ] 32 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:12,136 ♪♪ 33 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,272 So, vladimir putin -- you hear about this guy? 34 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,541 More like vladimir "poopin'." 35 00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:19,077 He went into chipotle, and he played his own game 36 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,745 Of russian roulette. You know what I mean? 37 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:21,613 [ laughs ] 38 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,482 He made russian dressing. 39 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,885 I mean, his asshole was raw after that burrito bowl. 40 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:30,222 He rushed into -- what did he rush into? Crimea? 41 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,623 Yeah, "crimea" river. [cry me a] 42 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,358 Am I right, putin? 43 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,494 Anyway, I think he's doing a heck of a job. 44 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,362 And guess what. He's still my president. 45 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,831 [ "hail to the chief" plays ] 46 00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:42,300 [ rock music plays ] 47 00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,836 It's time to go to school. 48 00:01:43,838 --> 00:01:45,237 [ distorted voice ] ♪ oh, yeah ♪ 49 00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,972 All right. So let's fill all those in and see how you do. 50 00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,641 Those are questions about me. 51 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,043 [ up-tempo music plays ] paper... 52 00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:53,178 Hey, teach, what's up? What's up? 53 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:56,448 [ whispering ] sorry. It was taco Tuesday in the cafeteria. 54 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,250 What'd I miss? Can I copy off of you? 55 00:01:58,252 --> 00:01:59,784 If you're finished, raise your hand. 56 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,119 Okay. We've got one that's finished. 57 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,787 Hey, you want to play basketball later? 58 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,256 And then you say the language. 59 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,658 You want to play basketball later? 60 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,126 Later. Later. We're on number four now. 61 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,728 "for the average person..." 62 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,129 [ farts ] 63 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,997 A-plus! 64 00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:14,666 Hi. Oh, that's my pizza. 65 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,934 Perfect. Thank you, brother. 66 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,001 [ munch! ] 67 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,136 Oh, shit. 68 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,272 Want some pizza to calm your nerves? 69 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,874 You want a cigarette? 70 00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:22,808 Cigarette? Teacher: Yes, ma'am. 71 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,812 ♪♪ 72 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,415 We have iaps. That's where you go to school. 73 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,217 Ooh! Ooh! [ grunting ] 74 00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:33,218 ♪♪ 75 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,152 All right. 76 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,022 Sick! Oh, shit. 77 00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:40,358 I'm a new character. 78 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,427 ...The answer, raise your hand. 79 00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:43,495 Fierce! 80 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,029 [ cheers and applause ] 81 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:46,899 [ ringtone playing ] oh, I've got to take this, guys. 82 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,968 [ door closes ] guys, now we can do a senior prank on her. 83 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,703 All the test papers are here. 84 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,838 If I burn them, we'll all get a's. 85 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,041 We're all gonna get a's if she loses the test, dude. 86 00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:58,577 [ laughs ] 87 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:01,980 [ laughter continues ] 88 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,448 Lorena, where are you going? 89 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,849 [bleep] you. 90 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,318 Lorena. 91 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,452 [ echoing ] lorena. 92 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,454 Shit. 93 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,856 ♪ every day that you're gone ♪ 94 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:17,262 ♪ I can't carry on without you ♪ 95 00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:21,199 I found my kids on instagram and facebook. 96 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,402 That's how you found your kids? Mm-hmm. 97 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,138 Ladies and gentlemen, the white idris elba, 98 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,539 Jon hamm. 99 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,807 [ cheers and applause ] 100 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,344 Wow! What a handsome, handsome man. 101 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,612 Come here. Come on. 102 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,415 Ohh! Oh, my god! 103 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,549 [ inhaling deeply ] 104 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,018 [ distorted voice ] the hamm man. 105 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,554 [ normal voice ] jean-claude van hamm. Hamm! 106 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,557 Sit down, you guy-smiley- looking [bleep]. Thank you. 107 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,160 You could play woody from "toy story" on broadway. 108 00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:49,828 Do you get that a lot? I would like to. I would like to. 109 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,297 Jon! Jon! 110 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,167 Hey. Hey. 111 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,901 You don't remember me? 112 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,237 It's me -- malik! 113 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,973 Malik! 114 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:02,374 Hmm? 115 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,577 We went to school together. Come on, jon. 116 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,245 Yeah, mr. Hollywood! 117 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,847 Do you know him? 118 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,849 Uh, no. [ applause ] 119 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,917 And you're married to ellie kemper or something? 120 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,186 Nope. 121 00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:16,388 Now, you were in "baby driver." 122 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,990 I was. With kevin spacey. 123 00:04:17,992 --> 00:04:19,124 Yes. 124 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,725 What was it like to blow the whistle 125 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:22,527 On that scenery-chewing [bleep]? 126 00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,596 Wow! [ laughs ] 127 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,199 Was he elbow-deep in teenage boys 128 00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:29,468 The whole time you guys were turning around cameras? 129 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,735 I have to -- 130 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,871 I did not witness any... Impropriety. 131 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,407 We heard that you witnessed a lot of it. I... 132 00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:36,541 And you encouraged it. 133 00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,477 I also did not do that, at all. 134 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,945 Oh, well, the jury's out. The jury's out. 135 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,681 Nah, jury's in. The jury's out. 136 00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,149 I mean, the jury came back. 137 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,884 Here's the thing -- jury is out, jon. 138 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,152 The jury came back -- hey, what happens on "baby driver" 139 00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:49,754 Together: ...Stays on "baby driver." 140 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,490 I mean... You want to see a trick? 141 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,957 I'd love to. All right, check this out. 142 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:53,958 [ clears throat ] 143 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,227 [ snaps fingers ] 144 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,495 [ circus music plays ] 145 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:57,696 [ music trills ] 146 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,231 Whoa! 147 00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:02,167 Watch this, my man. Oh, okay. 148 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,203 [ chainsaw whirs ] 149 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,506 Aaaaah! 150 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,974 Oh, god! Oh, god! 151 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,744 [ screaming ] stop! Stop it! 152 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,645 Oh! 153 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,979 [ blood spurts ] 154 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,981 [ music stops ] 155 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,517 Magic sucks. 156 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,584 [ applause ] 157 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:20,452 [ chainsaw whirs ] 158 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,021 [ woman screams ] 159 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,523 [ elevator music plays ] 160 00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:28,193 [ bell tolling ] 161 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,994 ...Now and at the hour of our death. 162 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,263 Amen. 163 00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:34,332 Good evening. Good evening. 164 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,801 Do you have any sins you'd like to confess today? 165 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:41,273 I have not spoken to my mother since the beginning of the year. 166 00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,275 I have a confession of my own. 167 00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:44,609 [ divider scrapes, bangs ] 168 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,746 [ moaning ] 169 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,147 [ boing! ] 170 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,148 Oh, my. 171 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,817 Pleased to meet ya. 172 00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:54,520 This wiener is kosher. 173 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,289 Okay. 174 00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,357 Ladies and gentlemen, you know her from black, 175 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,625 You know her from china -- 176 00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:03,161 Blac chyna! 177 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,296 [ cheers and applause ] 178 00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:05,698 Blac chyna, everybody. Come on. I'm here. 179 00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:07,031 [ whistling ] 180 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,567 Blac chyna! 181 00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,636 You smell good. You smell like baked cupcakes. 182 00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:12,637 Ooh, thanks. Hi. 183 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,773 You look like cleopatra. Thank you. 184 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,441 From egypt. Queen of the nile. 185 00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:18,243 I literally just cut my hair off. 186 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,112 Blac chyna, you are the mao zedong 187 00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:21,446 Of reality television. 188 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,314 Thanks. 189 00:06:22,316 --> 00:06:23,982 So, where did you get your start? 190 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,751 Let's see...Um... 191 00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:31,390 Started out in 2008. I moved to miami. 192 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:33,058 [ laughter ] 193 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,865 And, um... 194 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,501 [ laughter continues ] 195 00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,939 [ laughing ] you are crazy. 196 00:06:46,941 --> 00:06:48,807 [ speaking indistinctly ] [ laughter continues ] 197 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,476 She's a funny lady. 198 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,144 Ahh! 199 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:56,615 Hey, can you believe they're selling this to kids? 200 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,083 Really? Isn't that [bleep] crazy? 201 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,285 No, it's -- that's absurd. It's absurd. 202 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,288 Why would they sell this to kids? 203 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,556 Hey. 204 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,624 [ chomp! ] 205 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,225 [ audience oohs ] oh... 206 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,560 It's too much sugar. 207 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,562 They want to give this to our children? 208 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,764 Before bedtime? 209 00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:13,231 Nah, they can't be doing that. 210 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,034 Were you born black or did you come up with the stage name 211 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,502 And get a ton of surgery? 212 00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,771 I came up with it. [ bell dings ] 213 00:07:18,773 --> 00:07:20,104 Oh, I got more questions. 214 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,573 Oh, okay. Thanks. 215 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,176 Okay. 216 00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:25,177 Okay. 217 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:26,645 Is there a vaccine for you? 218 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,647 'cause you infected my heart. 219 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,382 [ audience awws ] aww. 220 00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:34,052 Ooh, why would you want to be vaccinated from all this? 221 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,520 I didn't even get pfizer or moderna. 222 00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:37,255 I didn't -- I don't even want to get vaccinated 223 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,323 For coronavirus. 224 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,592 I mean, you don't have to. Just be safe. 225 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,394 Any needle that's going in me 226 00:07:42,396 --> 00:07:44,663 Better have heroin in it, fauci. 227 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:45,798 [ applause ] 228 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:46,799 Mm. 229 00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,567 [ lighter clicking ] 230 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,072 [ fuse hissing ] 231 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,882 I'm just messing with you. 232 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,350 I was like, okay. 233 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,685 [ screams ] shit! 234 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,520 [ coughing ] 235 00:08:13,227 --> 00:08:14,693 Oh, look, we have another one. 236 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,294 Hey. 237 00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:17,429 [ glass shatters ] 238 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,697 Um... [ farts ] 239 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,432 [ air hissing ] 240 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,435 [deep voice] why would people get the wrong impression of you? 241 00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:25,303 I feel like a lot of people just don't know me, 242 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,906 So they just have their, like, own perception. 243 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,775 They're just projecting their own insecurities on you. 244 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,511 They're using you as a proxy, 245 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:36,581 As an avatar for their own psychological issues. 246 00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:37,850 Exactly. 247 00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,251 [normal voice] maybe it's them 248 00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:42,587 Who need to hold thy mirror to thyself. 249 00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,988 Take a picture, 250 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:47,059 'cause the picture is worth a thousand words, 251 00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:50,462 And words are more meaningful than pictures. 252 00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:53,465 And blood is thicker than water, 253 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:56,201 And water is beautiful, 254 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,337 And beauty is only skin deep. Skin deep. 255 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,207 And jesus walked upon water. Water. 256 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,076 And he turned water into wine. 257 00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:07,212 And he turned applesauce into weed. Into weed. 258 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,547 [ applause ] wow. 259 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,216 Chyna, you can't even name a single chinese city. 260 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:17,756 One? Not one. 261 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,023 Nope. [ applause ] 262 00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:20,959 [ clears throat ] you were saying something about -- 263 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:21,860 [ screams ] 264 00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:27,432 When it comes to selling homes, 265 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,234 I'm a little unorthodox. 266 00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:31,704 [ doorbell rings ] 267 00:09:31,706 --> 00:09:33,739 Hey, how you doing? Bruce ellington. 268 00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,043 Exciting house. 269 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:42,380 Real hardwood floors. Great sunlight. 270 00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,983 [ clattering ] 271 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,786 Huh! That is weird. [ chuckles ] 272 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,122 So, what are you... 273 00:09:50,124 --> 00:09:52,157 Um, what's that? 274 00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:57,663 That is a leak, and I will have that fixed right away. 275 00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:00,933 It does look like blood. 276 00:10:00,935 --> 00:10:03,268 Well, that's the master bedroom. Check that out. 277 00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,872 [ muffled screams ] 278 00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:12,277 ♪♪ 279 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,179 [ screaming ] 280 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:19,685 What's going on? 281 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,555 There's a man on a bed 282 00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:25,490 On all fours, that doesn't have any clothes on. 283 00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,160 Do you want to put a bid in the house or...? 284 00:10:28,162 --> 00:10:29,161 Who, me? 285 00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:34,633 ♪♪ 286 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,335 Blac chyna! 287 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,105 I like that michael jackson had a team of doctors 288 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,507 Take him to the edge of death every night. 289 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:45,377 [as jackson] hoo-hoo! Gimme some propofol, y'all. 290 00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,046 I want to knock on the grim reaper's door. 291 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,648 Hoo-hoo! 292 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,783 [normal voice] speaking of which, 293 00:10:50,785 --> 00:10:52,785 Do you mind if I rim the grim reaper? 294 00:10:52,787 --> 00:10:54,853 What do you mean, rim? 295 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,721 Give him a rim job. 296 00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:57,856 ♪ rim the reaper ♪ 297 00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,392 Every lick adds a year to my life. 298 00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:01,726 ♪ rim the reaper ♪ 299 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,528 [ retching, slurping ] 300 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,464 ♪ rim the reaper ♪ 301 00:11:05,466 --> 00:11:06,598 [ farts ] ugh! 302 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,800 ♪ rim the reaper ♪ 303 00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,869 Oh, my.