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00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,169
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!

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00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:05,437
[ Airplane engine buzzes ]

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[ Screaming ]

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♪♪

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♪♪

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[ Chainsaw buzzing ]

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♪♪

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Go-o-o-o-o-o-al!

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Hey!

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♪♪

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[ Breathing heavily ]

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[ Applause ]

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Be-bah!

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Ahh! [ Laughs ]

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Okay.

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[ Laughs ]

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Oh! Hey!

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I guess this show found out
about my favorite movie --

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"Sideways."

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Mazel tov!

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[ Glass breaks ]

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Mazel tov cocktail.

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[ Groaning ]

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♪♪

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Buy the Torah, y'all.
Now for kids.

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[ Death metal plays ]

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[ Singing gutturally ]

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[Bleep]

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♪♪

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00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,932
[ Up-tempo music plays ]

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Oh, you're working
with wheat paste?

32
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Yeah.
Dude, I love that stuff.

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How you doing?
I'm glad
I'm on my lunch break.

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I didn't know I was going
to run into a member

35
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of the
wheat paste brotherhood.

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Ha!
Oh, my God, dude.

37
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This stuff
is so good for you.

38
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Mind if I take a dip?

39
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:56,615
Mmm.

40
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You're eating
this shit plain?

41
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I'm not eating that shit
at all.

42
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Don't pour that in there!

43
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:03,889
How you gonna pour
something in there

44
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:04,923
that don't belongs
to you?

45
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Well, it's just
a little cinnamon.

46
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It doesn't matter.
You still poured it in there.

47
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I'm in that ad.
You pick
that shit up again,

48
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,195
you're gonna get beat the
[bleep] up.

49
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Look. That's me, man.
That's me in that commercial.

50
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See?
That's me.

51
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,902
Oh, yeah, it is you.
Why you acting so [bleep] crazy?

52
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Back in the day, we used to
eat buckets of this

53
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and [bleep]
buckets of this.

54
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I used to be like,
"Oh, yeah."

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I would be [bleep] and shit,
like...

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No brakes!
I got no brakes!

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Shit.
That guy's really hurt.

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I'm gonna use my urine
to cauterize his wounds.

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Good enough
for jellyfish stings,

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good enough
for bicycle accidents.

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What the hell
is wrong with you?

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This is healing him.

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This guy
picks my stuff up

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and puts cinnamon stuff in it
when I'm trying to work.

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He pulled his penis out
and peed on this guy.

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Okay. What do you want to do?
You want to complain?

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[Bleep] pulled his dick out
and peed on this guy.

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He's [bleep] crazy.

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Dude, I'm messing
with you, man.

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See the camera
right there?

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I don't give a [bleep]
about no camera right now.

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I'm trying to [bleep]...

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♪♪

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One, two, three, four!

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[ Speaks native language ]

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[ Gunfire ]

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Uh, this next actor is from,
um,

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"My Best Friend's Wedding" --
Dermot Mulroney.

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♪ We're the catalog girls ♪

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♪ Ain't we pretty? ♪

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♪ See us on the walls
in the big bright city ♪

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♪ Don't you want to be
like us? ♪

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♪ It's a beautiful world ♪

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♪ For a catalog girl ♪

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You are handsome.

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You're like
a young Anderson Cooper.

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You know, I have a lot of
respect for Anderson Cooper.

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I suspect that he is...
Gay.

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No, that aside...
He is.

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I totally respect that.

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[ Laughing ] You got
a weird voice, man.

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Now, what is that?

93
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My brother has one too.

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Just one of
my brothers, so...

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Shhhh.

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[ Light applause ]

97
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That's Blannibal.
Blannibal.

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You were, um...
What'd you say?

99
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Wale:
♪ You need a date ♪

100
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♪ You eating pancakes ♪

101
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It's time for "Vape Crepe
Slap Rap" with Wale!

102
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:03,475
Who is it?

103
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,246
[ Slap! ]

104
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,581
[ Dings ]

105
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I missed that whole part
of our culture.

106
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I wanted to sit
in the chair.

107
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I've been there.

108
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,924
They're -- They're,
they're rebooting "Bird Up!"

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with, like,
a all-female cast.

110
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That's what's
really happening.

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They decided just to go
full female.

112
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"Ghostbusters" and everything
is coming up

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a female version of it.
I don't know.

114
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There's no way
any man on Earth

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could play these roles
after we see that.

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[ Audience gasps ]

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Not everything.

118
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You're watching "Bird Up!"
Lizzo-style.

119
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Suck my dick!

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♪♪

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[ Squawks ]

122
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♪♪

123
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That's too much.

124
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No?
It's too much?

125
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Yeah, 'cause
I'm his woman.

126
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Aah!
Go! Run!

127
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Bird up! Lizzo up!

128
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Bird, bird!
Lizzo, Lizzo! Bird up! Bird up!

129
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:00,932
It's just me
and my bird pussy.

130
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:01,966
Bird pussy
is the best pussy.

131
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Give a nigga
69 orgasms.
Aah!

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♪♪

133
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:07,972
You got a girlfriend?
What's wrong with you?

134
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:10,108
♪♪

135
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,343
Ahh.
Huh?

136
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,446
Michael Jackson
is your son?!

137
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,614
Yeah, Michael.
I'm Michael Jackson!

138
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Let's go!

139
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These are my streets, Eric!

140
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:21,586
<i>It's my show now.</i>

141
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:24,689
<i>♪♪</i>

142
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<i>Lizzo up!</i>

143
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,359
<i>Aaah!</i>

144
00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:29,895
<i>Dermot Mulroney,</i>
<i>I'm watching you.</i>

145
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Okay.

146
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,532
It's hard.
It's hard to do.

147
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,234
Ah.

148
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:41,673
And we are back
with Dermot Mulroney.

149
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What do you call this,
you know, your emcee table?

150
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,546
Uh, a desk.

151
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,216
That's what --
Hey, it's time to scream.

152
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,219
[ Screaming ]

153
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♪♪

154
00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:06,531
♪♪

155
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,933
[ Theme music plays ]

156
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♪♪

157
00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:17,175
Channel 4 reporting live
on the scene today.

158
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,843
Tragedy strikes midtown Newark,

159
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where it appears
a businessman has attempted

160
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:23,248
to take his own life
by committing suicide.

161
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,516
Shit.
Hey, he's getting up.

162
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,017
Can you cut for a second?
Time-out?

163
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,620
You got to keep him injured,
or there's no story.

164
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:29,854
What the...
Oh, my God.

165
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
Bring the camera in.

166
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Reporting...
What are you doing?!

167
00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:34,692
This is my big break, okay?

168
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:36,594
Don't you die on me,
you son of a bitch.

169
00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:38,363
What are you doing?!

170
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,064
I'm saving this man's life...
What are you doing?!

171
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,199
...the only way I know how!

172
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,567
Do you listen
to conscious hip-hop?

173
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What?

174
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,504
Yeah, he might to stay down.
Look at the back of his head.

175
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:47,839
Shit, he's getting up.

176
00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:49,407
Stay down.

177
00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,643
Look, if I don't get this story,
I don't get my pension.

178
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:52,811
You know what I mean?

179
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,712
What's this nonsense?

180
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,614
Woman:
Oh, he got to stay...

181
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,683
This is a big --
This is a breaking...

182
00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:01,553
Okay, okay, okay!
Hit him again!
Hit him again!

183
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,987
[ Shouting indistinctly ]

184
00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:04,456
Use that anger.
Hit him again!

185
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:07,091
Yes, I'm with enraged
citizen, uh, here.

186
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,259
What's your name, sir?

187
00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:09,561
What?
What's my name?

188
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,062
Yeah, no, no,
okay, okay, okay.

189
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,564
Citizens are outraged.

190
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,199
Wait, wait.
What's going on?

191
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,234
Channel 4 reporting.

192
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,636
Okay, okay.

193
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,873
You know her from "Orange is
the New Black," Diane Guerrero.

194
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:25,210
♪ Diane Guerrero,
Diane Guerrero ♪

195
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,444
My queen!

196
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:30,248
♪ Diane Guerrero ♪

197
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,249
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

198
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,552
Hi.

199
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,120
Do my ears look big?

200
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:37,989
No.
Nice.

201
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,257
You usually
have hair, though.

202
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,959
Can I ask you a question?
Do you go to the gym?

203
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,627
Yeah.
That's cool.

204
00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:43,728
You ever do cocaine?

205
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:44,729
Yeah.
You have?

206
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:47,398
No, no. Yeah.
Is that okay to say?

207
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:48,500
I don't know.

208
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:50,568
[ Light applause ]

209
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:51,736
[ Chuckles ]

210
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:54,472
Now, you're woke.
Um...

211
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:56,140
What are you, like --
What are you doing later?

212
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,575
Have you got
any plans or...

213
00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:00,979
I -- I'm going -- I'm trying
to go to lunch after this.

214
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,814
Yeah, yeah, me too.
Me too.

215
00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:04,249
Alright, cool.
Yeah.

216
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,750
What are you --
Are you vegetarian?

217
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:06,918
No, no, I eat everything.

218
00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:09,087
Yeah, me -- same.
Totally same.

219
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,589
I was just telling my friend,
like, "Pff! I eat everything."

220
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,657
You know what I mean?

221
00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,425
Are you hungry?
Because I'm hungry.

222
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:15,560
I can get food
if you want.

223
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:16,394
Aaah!
Oh, shit.

224
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,463
Derr...

225
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,964
Oh, it's a dumb waiter.

226
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,633
Can I take your order?

227
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,669
Derr derr-derr-derr.

228
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:27,672
Derr derr.

229
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:30,141
Ohhhhhh!

230
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:33,211
Hannibal!
Where you at, brother?!

231
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,813
I got jacked arms,
nigga!

232
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:37,882
Hannibal.

233
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:42,287
Who the [bleep]
is this nigga?

234
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,355
You ain't Hannibal.

235
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:47,125
You're not
[bleep] Hannibal.

236
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,594
Goddamn it.
Where's my brother at?!

237
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:51,897
[Bleep]

238
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,403
Get over here.

239
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,175
You want to boof
this cheesecake?

240
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,910
Like, eat it?
No, boof it.

241
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:07,211
I don't know
what "boof" is.

242
00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:09,747
You got to parachute it
into your ass.

243
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:12,150
Ohh.
Oh, my God.

244
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,120
Take it.
Take it there.

245
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:17,522
Goddamn it.

246
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,756
Aah!

247
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:19,824
[ Farts ]

248
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,759
[ Exhales sharply ]

249
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:24,028
And now have I got
a [bleep] sugar rush.

250
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,531
[ Laughs ]

251
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,133
I think you should run
for president.

252
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,269
God, it hurts to sit.

253
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,673
Can we start over?
Yeah, let's just take it...

254
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,275
Yeah.
Let's -- Yeah.

255
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,743
[ Bird squawking ]
I just feel like...

256
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,645
Aah!

257
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,713
♪♪

258
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:42,781
[ Squawking ]

259
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,817
[ Jackhammer chattering ]

260
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,720
Somebody help me!
Help! Aah!

261
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,222
♪♪

262
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,124
Help me!
I'm buried in cement!

263
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:55,594
No, I don't want
the cops involved.

264
00:09:56,829 --> 00:09:58,896
Pass me the rope.
Help me, help me, help me.

265
00:09:58,931 --> 00:09:59,731
Pull, pull, pull.

266
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,432
[ Groaning ]
Come on!

267
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:03,267
Aah!
It's in my eyes!

268
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:04,369
Come on!

269
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,236
Are you pulling?
Pull!

270
00:10:06,372 --> 00:10:08,106
It's burning my skin!

271
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,975
[ Groaning ] Shit.
I can't. I can't.

272
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,944
That's it. I'm dead.
Please stop filming me.

273
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:15,580
Don't put me on Instagram.
Just help me.

274
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,115
Please, I need an ice cream.

275
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,816
Here, here, here.
Pass me that ice cream.

276
00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:21,753
[ Grunts ]
Thank you.

277
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,256
Yeah, I could use
some sprinkles.

278
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,058
Sprinkles.
Can you put sprinkles on that?

279
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,027
Just be careful.
Don't drop it.

280
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,902
Ladies and gentlemen,
Joey Fata$$!

281
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,170
[ Rapping ] ♪ Yo ♪

282
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,606
♪ Hop up on the beat,
and then I go nuts ♪

283
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,976
♪ While I'm eating
the pink-frosted doughnuts ♪

284
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:46,844
Can we get some doughnuts
for Joey?

285
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:51,883
♪♪

286
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,356
My work here is done.

287
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,261
[ Death metal playing ]
[ Singing gutturally ]