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00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:02,868
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
2
00:00:02,903 --> 00:00:04,302
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,605
[ Screaming ]
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:07,939
[ Jazz music plays ]
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00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:10,742
[ Screaming continues ]
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00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:12,310
[ Audience gasps ]
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[ Screaming continues ]
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00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:16,848
[ Grunts ]
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00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,017
[ Screaming continues ]
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00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:20,085
♪ Whoa ♪
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00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,221
[ Rock music plays ]
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00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:25,957
[ Screaming ]
13
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:28,160
[ Screams ]
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00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:32,597
[ Jazz music plays ]
[ Screaming ]
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00:00:32,632 --> 00:00:35,100
[ Whip cracking ]
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00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:40,872
♪♪
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00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:48,280
[ Panting ]
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00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:53,151
Okay. [ Clears throat ]
19
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:55,720
[ Cheers and applause ]
20
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:57,956
Thought I'd try something
a little bit different today,
21
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,058
actually.
22
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,526
Man: What the [bleep]
is this shit?
23
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,528
Get the [bleep]
off the stage, man!
24
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:04,830
Ah!
What the [bleep], man?
25
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:06,198
I told you
about that shit, man.
26
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,632
Bring it on! [ Grunts ]
27
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,034
[ Audience gasping, booing ]
28
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,604
I'm sorry, but the guy
[bleep] came at me, okay?
29
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,306
Right?
What do you think, folks?
30
00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,707
[ Booing continues ]
31
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,777
[Bleep]!
What the [bleep]?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
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[ Booing continues ]
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00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,483
Oh, God.
34
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:25,750
Can you help me real quick?
35
00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:27,886
When the train comes,
right when the doors open,
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00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,889
sail him down the stairs
so he goes onto the train.
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00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,291
The doors will close,
and then he's off to whatever.
38
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:34,526
It doesn't matter to me.
39
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,630
If you want to spray-paint
the security cameras,
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00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,732
you can hit them
with the spray paint and --
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00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,200
Shh.
-He took my clothes...
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00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:43,702
Andre: If anything goes wrong,
I got this.
43
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,238
It's like the Torah part two,
but now it's for kids.
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00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,039
[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
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00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,742
We're gonna sail him down
on the train,
46
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,544
and then he's de Blasio's
problem.
47
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,580
You know what I mean?
He took my clothes.
48
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,316
He's a prisoner that I was
transporting,
49
00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:00,285
and he tricked me,
and he took my clothes.
50
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,555
Shut the [bleep] up.
[ Whimpers ]
51
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,891
Why you take
his [bleep] clothes?!
I didn't.
52
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:07,225
Look, I have the Bible.
53
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,960
I don't give a [bleep]
about no [bleep] Bible.
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If anything goes wrong,
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00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:11,963
God's on our side.
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[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
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00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,967
The police is coming, so you're
gonna get in trouble.
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No, I'm not.
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00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,271
[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
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00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,073
Bye-bye!
-[ Wilhelm scream ]
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00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,043
Y'all listen to conscious
hip hop?
What's that?
62
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,746
You listen to
conscious hip hop?
Uh...
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00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,514
Announcer: "Woke Rhymes"
available now.
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00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:32,450
♪ Oooh ♪
65
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:35,387
♪ You ♪
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00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:36,988
Ladies and gentlemen,
she's now on "Riverdale,"
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00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:39,558
she dated Mike Tyson,
and she [bleep] Howard Stern,
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00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,594
Robin Givens.
Come on!
69
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,663
Yeah! Stunning.
70
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:48,466
[ Cheers and applause ]
71
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:49,601
Whoo!
72
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:52,270
I like your suit.
Thank you very much.
73
00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,139
I love it!
I'm sexy.
74
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,307
You are
I am very...
75
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,042
-It's great.
-I'm a sex symbol.
76
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:02,747
Can I get rid of these
Mike Tyson questions?
77
00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,349
Oh, that would be nice.
78
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,551
[ Paper shredder whirring ]
79
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,320
Uh, there's a lot of them.
Sorry.
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[ Whirring continues ]
81
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:11,756
-How is it doing that?
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00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,092
-I got a desk shredder.
-Oh.
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00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,961
You are so sexy.
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00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:17,963
You are so beautiful.
85
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,331
You are gorgeous.
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00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,667
Oh, my gosh, so pretty.
87
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:23,768
[ Bell rings ]
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00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:26,504
-[ Screams ]
-[ Screams ]
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00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:27,706
-[ Groaning ]
-Hey, man.
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00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,274
Oh, my God.
91
00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:32,244
[ Screams ]
92
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,813
[ Chuckles ]
I mean,
that was fantastic.
93
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,948
That was great, and he has
a very good body.
94
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,751
That guy has
a really nice body.
That's your type of guy.
95
00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:42,153
Oh. Ooh, gosh.
96
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:45,190
How does Robin Givens
get it all done?
97
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,392
Is there a Batman Givens?
98
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,160
[ Laughing ]
99
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:50,228
I wish.
100
00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:54,966
[ Robot whirring ]
101
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:57,102
I'm using Raid
as cologne.
102
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,274
[ Coughing ]
103
00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:04,943
I'm sure it's dangerous.
[ Children laughing ]
104
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,611
I feel like there's, like,
little kids somewhere.
105
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,113
[ Laughing continues ]
106
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,914
What is that?
[ Blows ]
107
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:13,718
This desk is sticky.
Mm-hmm.
108
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,288
I'm sorry.
It's alright.
109
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,289
Hey, um...
110
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:18,757
[ Zipper unzips ]
Oh. I-I...
111
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,792
[ Cheering ]
112
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:23,028
Let me Xerox my ass.
[ Copier whirring ]
113
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,597
I used to do
the same thing.
Really?
114
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,666
I've done --
I have done that.
115
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,570
Who hasn't?
[ Chuckling ]
116
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,272
Yeah.
Like, se-- Oh, wow.
117
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:36,207
[ Applause ]
118
00:04:36,242 --> 00:04:37,742
My.
Oh. This is Joe.
119
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,345
Do you want some popcorn?
120
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:44,082
How did you do --
How long did that take?
121
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,619
[ Screaming ]
122
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,854
[ Chuckling ] Oh, God.
123
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:52,757
[ Stammering ] What were those?
What was that?
124
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,025
What were they?
It was, like, bugs.
125
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,026
Yeah, I know they were bugs.
126
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,294
You're not a fan
of bugs?
127
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:59,097
[ Stuttering ]
I'm sure they're very necessary.
128
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,498
They just make me a little --
129
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:01,966
[ Screams ]
Oh, God.
130
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,235
Oh. It's time for
the Ultimate Challenge!
Okay.
131
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:07,038
[ Singsong voice ] It's time for
the Ultimate Challenge!
132
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:08,807
You're not gonna open
that box, right?
133
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:11,376
You got to do it or I'm putting
the cellphone in the blender.
134
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,078
-Wait. Do what? He's gonna --
-Oh, my gosh.
135
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:17,782
You're watching Bone TV.
136
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,719
Time to show America
how you bone!
137
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,687
Announcer:
There's no place like Bone.
138
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,956
It's time for Bone TV.
139
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,926
Okay.
Show us how you bone.
140
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,595
I'd rather not,
in all honesty.
69, dude!
141
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,631
[ Crowd chanting ]
If I was 69ing right now,
I'd be gushing milk.
142
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:37,902
[ Indistinct chanting ]
143
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:39,604
You're watching Bone TV, baby!
144
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,806
Booyah!
145
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:44,676
Oh, shit!
146
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:46,511
Dude, last time
I [bleep] my wife,
147
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:50,181
I was gushing milk, dude.
Oh, shit.
148
00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:53,385
[ Boings ]
You're watching Bone TV.
149
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,586
Show us how you [bleep].
150
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,187
Demonstrate
on this corpse.
Oh, God.
151
00:05:56,222 --> 00:05:57,655
Whoo! Bam!
152
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,890
Oh, damn, I'm falling.
153
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:01,993
[ Xylephone plays ]
154
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,062
How the [bleep] do you bone
down, dude?
155
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,864
You want to put a little meat
on these bones?
156
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,967
[ Laughs ]
157
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,069
We went on a date.
Her prefacing the whole date
158
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,971
was, "Just remember,
I squirt."
159
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,141
With a couple fingers
and tongue,
160
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,009
I started playing
with her.
[Whip crack]
161
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,144
Hmm.
162
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,713
Starts shooting out
the back end onto my TV.
163
00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:24,349
I'm the squirt king,
and you're watching...
164
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,884
[ Laughs ]
165
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,319
You've seen her
in absolutely everything,
166
00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,655
the lovely
and talented actress...
167
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,157
Cleopatra Woman.
168
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:37,762
♪♪
169
00:06:37,797 --> 00:06:40,131
Felipe Esparza, everybody!
170
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:43,802
What's up, dude?
You're like --
171
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,203
Nice to meet you.
172
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,605
♪♪
173
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,940
Felipe: Belipe!
174
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:54,012
Andre: Whoa!
175
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,980
[ Cheers and applause ]
176
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,383
He just come up
with that shit, man.
177
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,352
Whoo!
Belipe, Belipe.
178
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:04,489
You hungry?
You want some Postmates?
179
00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:05,757
Oh!
180
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,592
How are you?
What are you working on?
181
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,260
I want to eat that.
182
00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:11,496
I demand some queer attention,
honey.
183
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:13,431
♪♪
184
00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:14,432
[ Low voice ] Wow.
185
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:18,169
♪♪
186
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:20,338
♪ We lock it,
rock it to the stars ♪
187
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:21,606
♪ Down to the core ♪
188
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:23,575
♪ We lock it,
rock it to the stars ♪
189
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:24,876
♪ Down to the core ♪
190
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:31,916
♪♪
191
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:38,957
♪♪
192
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,826
[ Screaming ]
193
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,197
The [bleep] going on?
What happened?
194
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,999
Where? Who?
-Right there!
195
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:57,976
-This guy
in the yellow bike?
196
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,345
In the bus terminal
behind you.
197
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,813
Right here?
198
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,181
I got to write you up?
Over there.
199
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,582
You're saying this woman
did it?
200
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,217
No, wait, wait. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
201
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:07,385
You okay?
Did you do it?
202
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,055
This guy right here
with the headphones?
203
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,190
Over there!
204
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,194
Andre: You said a yellow bag?
205
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,363
Sir, I got to write you up.
206
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,265
That's illegal.
You can't throw trash on a cop.
207
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,799
I didn't throw nothing!
That wasn't him!
208
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,702
I'll see you in Hell.
209
00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:26,337
Right there
with the yellow shirt!
210
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:27,605
This guy with the yellow belt?
211
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,575
Sir, sir, you can't do that
to a police officer.
212
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:31,809
That guy, he's leaving
over there.
213
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:32,810
-You did it.
-Not me.
214
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:33,912
-You did it!
-Me?
215
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:34,913
-You did it!
-You see me?
216
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:35,914
-Yes.
-No!
217
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,015
I got him. Sir --
-Not me!
218
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,016
I got to write you up.
219
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,817
My ego's out of control.
Not me!
220
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,352
That's not --
I came from here.
221
00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:43,588
That's you.
What are you saying?
222
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:44,689
I got him.
223
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:47,992
[ Rock music plays ]
224
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:53,731
♪♪
225
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:54,832
Ladies and gentlemen,
your own
226
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:55,934
from "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy,"
227
00:08:55,969 --> 00:09:00,071
please welcome
Jai Rodriguez!
228
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:03,508
[ Cheering ]
229
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,377
♪♪
230
00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:07,712
[ Laughs ]
231
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,347
Well, chop of the morning
to you.
232
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,848
[ Laughs ]
233
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,750
-Ohh!
-Ohh!
234
00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:14,786
What the hell is that?
[ Laughing ]
It's a desk dog!
235
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:17,255
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God.
This is fancy.
236
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,925
Now, Ted Allen
recently tweeted --
237
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,327
[ Screams ]
Oh!
238
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:26,664
[ Groaning ]
239
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:28,733
You were in "Rent."
Yep.
240
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:30,034
Can you sing that song?
241
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,536
♪ Rent, rent, rent ♪
242
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,137
♪ Rent is cool ♪
243
00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:34,672
♪ Rent, rent, rent ♪
244
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:37,108
♪ Rent me
a place to stay ♪
245
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,744
[ Both laughing ]
246
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:42,080
[ Screaming ]
247
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:48,453
Announcer:
Don't touch that dial unless
that's what you call your bone.
248
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,955
It's time for Bone TV.
Oh, shit!
249
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:53,358
First I work the nips,
then the coot,
250
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,159
then it's all [bleep]
over, dude.
251
00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:56,928
Dude, it's all
[bleep] over, dude!
252
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:59,097
Yo, dude,
show us how you bone!
253
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,832
Let me see
how you do it, bro.
254
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,467
[ Indistinct chatter ]
255
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,268
I had sex with one
of these girls.
256
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:06,571
It was crazy.
Show us how she sucked
your bone, dude.
257
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,273
Show us she --
I'm about to [bleep]
this little nigga up.
258
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:11,142
Announcer:
Uh-oh, boneverload.
259
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,044
Show me your bone face.
260
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:14,045
Oh, yeah.
261
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,780
-[ Groaning ]
-[ Groaning ]
262
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:17,615
Do you know what happened
to Shelly Miscavige?
263
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,250
-No clue.
-Good question.
264
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,519
The Bone TV's Emmy-winning
investigative series
265
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:24,922
to the dark art of Scientology
can be yours for only 15 bones.
266
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,792
She was in Clearwater, Florida,
and then she was at Hemet,
267
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:29,394
and then...
That's...Ah. Ahh...
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00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:30,428
Announcer: Shelly?
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00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,031
[ Both shouting ] Bone!
270
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:36,567
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Toro y toro
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00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:41,072
y toro y toro y moi!
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00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,306
[ Cheering ]
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00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:47,011
♪ One day I'll pick up
my friend ♪
274
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:50,381
♪ He was driving his truck ♪
275
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:51,849
Pickup truck!
276
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,584
Yeah!
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00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:55,186
Bad boy.
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00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,255
[ Audience shouting ]
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00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,724
-[ Playing recorder ]
-Ah!
280
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,693
Absolutely.
281
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,895
-I'm sorry.
-It's alright.