Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
[ Upbeat music plays ]
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Screaming continues ]
♪♪
And one, baby!
Whoo! Oh, shit!
Sports war!
♪♪
[Bleep] you, column! Go to hell, floor!
See you in hell, shelf, you bitch!
[ Audience gasps ]
[ Gunshots ] Dance. Dance, boy.
Come on, dance.
No. Dance like no one's watching.
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Upbeat music resumes ]
[ Panting ]
[ Light applause ]
What's up? What's up, man? Okay.
♪ We got that ooh, ahh ♪
♪ That ooh, la, la, la ♪
Hey. [ Chuckles ]
Y'all see this movie "Pulp Fiction"?
[ Farts, groans ]
Neither have I. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, that joke n--
You gotta add Steven Seagal to it.
Nah, dude.
This is some spoken word shit!
[ Jazz plays ]
♪♪
Who are you here to see?
Jeff Pocock. Jeff Pocock.
I just got to check your bag.
You don't have anything sharp in your bag or anything, do you?
Oh, no. It's just a laptop.
Let me just put this pho in here.
What are you doing that for?
We just can't use the chemicals anymore.
We got to put Vietnamese food in here...
What? ...to just check.
Yeah, a little Sriracha.
Is that the laptop?
Yeah. It's all over the laptop.
Is that okay? No!
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
I didn't know the Vietnamese food
was gonna trigger your PTSD.
I know you just got back from [Echoing] Vietnam.
Kennedy: This is extremely serious.
An intensified struggle with the [Echoing] Communists.
I know you just got back from 'Nam and you just --
Don't -- Don't shoot me.
Whatever -- [ Gunshots ]
What? Ohh!
I don't even work here anymore, man.
Hey, hey. Dude, check it out.
[ Record scratches ]
It's an avocado.
Dude, you're on "The Avocado Effect."
It's a prank show.
Eric: Hey! Have an avocado on the house.
Are you bi? Huh?
Are you bisexual?
♪♪
And I threw up, like, in the living room,
and I just put, like, a paper over it,
and I just put my feet over it.
That's a cool living room.
Yeah.
Hey, if you need a Puerto Rican in your movie,
hire Luis Guzman!
[ Indistinct singing ]
I love your work, baby. Don't change a thing.
Felipe: I love you. I know.
You live...
in Vermont!
Yeah, there were no Puerto Ricans there,
so I had to introduce Vermont to sofrito...
Sofrito! ...and adobo, pasteles.
Cats sleeping on the bread.
[ Laughs ] That's right!
You own property in Vermont,
and I'm assuming you made a down payment...
Yeah. ...um, on the house.
Yeah? Then you went into escrow.
Right.
Then you continued making mortgage payments...
Right. ...over the years.
Right. Man: Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's sick. Um...
Yeah.
Can you sign my chancla?
Yeah. Huh?
Oh [bleep] yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
My religion.
[ Grunting ]
You know what I mean? [ Laughter ]
Get the [bleep] outta here.
♪♪
You're watching "The Nostradamus Report."
Wow!
You never heard of Nostradamus?
I have heard of Nostradamus.
He's gonna predict being happy!
[ Chuckling ] Yeah. Okay. That's great.
Nostradamus predicted the compass,
and he predicted the shirts.
I have my doubts.
Wow!
Oh, my God!
You know Nostradamus predicted this crystal ball?
Aah!
Why didn't he predict me not to do this?
He did predict it!
Wow!
♪ Praise the Lord with a new song ♪
Nostradamus! ♪ Amplify His name ♪
♪ Praise to the Lord ♪
[ Music stops ] [ Screaming ]
[ Music resumes ] ♪ Praise to the Lord ♪
[ Crowd chants "Chug!" ]
[ Crowd chants "Eric!" ]
[ Belches, groans ]
Okay, you know what? Put it down, bro.
Put it down. It's too much.
Yeah.
[ Light applause ]
[ Glass shatters ]
Get the [bleep] outta here.
Everything on the set is edible.
Luis... Talk to me.
...when you make love... Now we're talking.
...do you press your lips against your lover's lobes?
[ Audience oohs ]
Do I press my lips?
It's an erotic zone. No shit.
When you press the right trigger point,
when you kiss them, lick them, just blow a little air.
Whoo! You know what I'm saying?
Sometimes I want to get a Q-Tip and just go in there,
and it starts feeling good, then I just keep doing it,
doing it till, like, blood comes out.
[ Light applause ]
Can I ask you s-something?
Yeah. [ Belches ]
Um, what's -- Um...
Oh, my God.
[ Upbeat music plays ]
Reese Witherspoon! Reese Witherspoon!
Babe, you look like a penis!
But you a clean penis.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Eric: Dude.
See this guy?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Check this out.
You can play with his balls.
What?
Trying to get his balls above his wiener. [ Moaning ]
Nah, you [bleep] man. What you doing?
[ Moans ] [ Grunts ]
You want to toss this guy around like a rag doll?
Nah, don't do that. Piece of shit.
Dude, now you're [bleep]. What are you doing?
I can do whatever I want. It's my last day. Nah, nah.
You can't do that to him, man.
I think I have to call the police for you. No, no, no.
I smile when I'm serious, but I'm very serious right now.
Dude, call 9-1-2. Call the better cops.
This is not normal.
[ Giggles ]
[ Siren chirps ] Actually, I'm an undercover cop.
You're under arrest. Under arrest?
You got to get over here. For what?
You -- You can't just rough people up in the street.
I mean -- I didn't rough anybody up.
Yeah, you buggin'. I don't know you.
No, you can't leave. It's bad. I didn't --
Nah, I gotta get out of here.
I didn't do anything to -- wrong to you.
Eric: Dude, he's an undercover cop,
and I'm an undercover homeless guy.
What the [bleep] is going on? Look.
No, no, no, no. Yeah, check it out, dude.
Nah, you buggin'. Y'all buggin'.
I'm here to work. Look, I'm here to work.
♪♪
[ Man moans ] I'm here to work.
You know her from "Wayne's World" --
Tia Carrere.
♪ 'Cause she's bat-shit crazy ♪
♪ She'll put you under her spell ♪
Hello!
You're bald! I'm bald.
[ Song finishes ]
I love that we're all sparkly. It's so fancy. Very sparkly.
I'm trying to be -- I got my sparkle.
You got your sparkle on.
[ Rumbling ] Well, what can I say?
You know -- Aaah! Oh.
We're experiencing turbulence.
Okay. We got to put these masks on.
Ohh! It smells like farts!
That's what oxygen smells like. No, it doesn't!
I know what oxygen smells like.
How do you know?
I've done oxygen.
[ Laughter, applause ] [ Laughs ]
Now, you were in a movie called "True Lies."
That is true.
Is that a movie about your life [bleep] story?
[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Come on! Up top!
I don't know. I'm sorry.
Look. [ Stammering ]
[ Coughs ]
Every day?
Huh? Um...
[ Gargles nasally ]
Hey.
[ Grunts ]
[ Explosion ] [ Screams ]
[ Grunting continues ]
Oh, okay.
Very mor--
[ Screams ]
[ Laughs ]
What?
[ Applause ]
You want some thermometer?
[ Sips ]
What?
But at least the temperature dropped.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughetr ]
Ugh!
I'm confused.
Get these cameras out of here!
We didn't say you could film.
Okay?
Can somebody respond to me?
We're having a private conversation, guys.
I'm not [bleep] playing games with you! [ Gunshots ]
Oh! Aah! [ Bell ringing ]
[ Screams ] Hey!
Stop filming Tia Carrere!
I didn't give you [bleep] permission, man!
What do you think of this?!
The [bleep] is wrong with you, man?! Huh?!
You think you can [bleep] play games here?!
Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! Think you can play games?!
Huh?! Tia: Ooh!
You have to ask permission!
Eric: That is [bleep] unprofessional.
I'm Mike Penis. I'm named after my dad's penis.
♪♪
'Scuse me! This is my dad's club.
Hey! This is my dad's club, man.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm the bouncer now. I got a list.
Clooney, Diesto, Avicii.
I own the [bleep] list now!
Man, you got to let me in, bro.
Get off. Are you putting your dick in my catheter?
Ow!
Go somewhere else. Go somewhere else. I'm just trying to --
I'm just trying to create a distraction
'cause there's an active shooter across the street.
Hey, get outta here, dude!
Us bouncers stick together!
Do you know who my father is?
He built this brick-and-mortar.
That's awesome. My dad owns you, dude!
My dad owns all the petroleum in Dubai!
♪♪
[ Breathing heavily ]
Let's get ready for "Rapper Warrior Ninja"!
[ Air horn blares ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Eric: Cross the Wall of Death and keep freestyling!
♪ I don't believe in marriage ♪
♪ But I might do, though ♪
♪ Came through with a mother-[bleep] nice cool flow ♪
Ohh, shit!
[ Gunshots ]
Aah!
Keep freestyling!
You got this shit! Lil Yachty's up next!
♪ Walkin' up and down the point ♪
♪ Like they finna chase ♪
♪ You can't scare me if I'm only looking down ♪
♪ See, look, I wear the crow-- ♪ Ow!
[ Laughter ]
♪ All you niggas drop ♪
What the [bleep]?! Hey, hey, hey!
Aah!
[ Slow-motion ] What the [bleep]?!
Eric: Murs, hit that beat!
♪♪
Whoa, shit! You shocked me!
Ow!
-[ Bleep ] -[ Laughter ]
-Mother[bleep]! -Trippie Redd's next!
Trippie Redd!
♪ Woulda been a maybe ♪
♪ Oh, she with the, what was that? ♪
♪ Ah, bitch, that just hit me on my arm ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, get the [bleep] away ♪
♪ Don't tase me ♪
♪ Please don't tase me, bitch ♪
[ Laughs ]
Ah, nigga!
Aah! [bleep]!
This nigga tased me!
♪ Mm, pickin' up my set ♪
Use this microphone.
♪ Real nigga, rollin' like a big shot ♪
♪ Chevy tuned up like a NASCAR pit stop ♪
What is up, rappers?
♪ You can't faze me ♪
-Rap, rap, and rap -- -Get out of here!
Get out out of here, Kraft Punk!
[ Air horn blares ]
This has been..."
[ Coughs ] Rapper Warrior...
Ninja."
Abso...lutely.
-I have my doubts. -Wow!