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00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:06,171
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:07,239
[ Upbeat music plays ]
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00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:08,407
[ Screams ]
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00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,510
♪♪
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[ Screaming continues ]
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♪♪
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And one, baby!
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Whoo!
Oh, shit!
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Sports war!
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♪♪
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[Bleep] you, column!
Go to hell, floor!
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See you in hell, shelf,
you bitch!
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[ Audience gasps ]
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[ Gunshots ]
Dance. Dance, boy.
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Come on, dance.
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No. Dance like
no one's watching.
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[ Classical music plays ]
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[ Upbeat music resumes ]
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[ Panting ]
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[ Light applause ]
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00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:55,220
What's up?
What's up, man? Okay.
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♪ We got that ooh, ahh ♪
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♪ That ooh, la, la, la ♪
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Hey. [ Chuckles ]
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Y'all see this movie
"Pulp Fiction"?
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[ Farts, groans ]
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00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,567
Neither have I.
[ Laughter ]
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00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,235
Yeah, that joke n--
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You gotta add Steven Seagal
to it.
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Nah, dude.
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This is some
spoken word shit!
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[ Jazz plays ]
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♪♪
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Who are you here
to see?
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Jeff Pocock.
Jeff Pocock.
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00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,185
I just got to check
your bag.
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00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,588
You don't have anything sharp
in your bag or anything, do you?
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00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,822
Oh, no.
It's just a laptop.
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Let me just put
this pho in here.
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What are you
doing that for?
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We just can't use
the chemicals anymore.
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We got to put Vietnamese food
in here...
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What?
...to just check.
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Yeah, a little Sriracha.
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Is that the laptop?
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Yeah.
It's all over the laptop.
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Is that okay?
No!
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Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
49
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,640
I didn't know
the Vietnamese food
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was gonna trigger
your PTSD.
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I know you just got back
from [Echoing] Vietnam.
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Kennedy: This is
extremely serious.
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An intensified struggle
with the [Echoing] Communists.
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I know you just got back
from 'Nam and you just --
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Don't -- Don't shoot me.
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Whatever --
[ Gunshots ]
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What?
Ohh!
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I don't even work here
anymore, man.
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00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,094
Hey, hey.
Dude, check it out.
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[ Record scratches ]
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It's an avocado.
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Dude, you're on
"The Avocado Effect."
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It's a prank show.
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Eric: Hey!
Have an avocado on the house.
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Are you bi?
Huh?
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Are you bisexual?
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♪♪
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And I threw up, like,
in the living room,
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and I just put, like,
a paper over it,
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and I just put
my feet over it.
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That's a cool
living room.
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Yeah.
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Hey, if you need a Puerto Rican
in your movie,
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hire Luis Guzman!
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[ Indistinct singing ]
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I love your work, baby.
Don't change a thing.
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Felipe: I love you.
I know.
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You live...
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in Vermont!
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Yeah, there were
no Puerto Ricans there,
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so I had to introduce
Vermont to sofrito...
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Sofrito!
...and adobo, pasteles.
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Cats sleeping
on the bread.
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[ Laughs ]
That's right!
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You own property
in Vermont,
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and I'm assuming
you made a down payment...
87
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Yeah.
...um, on the house.
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Yeah?
Then you went into escrow.
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Right.
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Then you continued making
mortgage payments...
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Right.
...over the years.
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Right.
Man: Yeah!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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That's sick.
Um...
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Yeah.
96
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Can you sign my chancla?
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Yeah. Huh?
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Oh [bleep] yeah!
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Whoo-hoo!
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Whoo-hoo!
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[ Indistinct shouting ]
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My religion.
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[ Grunting ]
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You know what I mean?
[ Laughter ]
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Get the [bleep]
outta here.
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♪♪
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You're watching
"The Nostradamus Report."
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Wow!
109
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You never heard
of Nostradamus?
110
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,743
I have heard
of Nostradamus.
111
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:08,079
He's gonna predict
being happy!
112
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:10,181
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
Okay. That's great.
113
00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:13,285
Nostradamus predicted
the compass,
114
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,588
and he predicted
the shirts.
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I have my doubts.
116
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Wow!
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Oh, my God!
118
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You know Nostradamus predicted
this crystal ball?
119
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Aah!
120
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Aah!
121
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:35,440
Why didn't he predict me
not to do this?
122
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He did predict it!
123
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:38,843
Wow!
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♪ Praise the Lord
with a new song ♪
125
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Nostradamus!
♪ Amplify His name ♪
126
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:47,252
♪ Praise to the Lord ♪
127
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,789
[ Music stops ]
[ Screaming ]
128
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,358
[ Music resumes ]
♪ Praise to the Lord ♪
129
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[ Crowd chants "Chug!" ]
130
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[ Crowd chants "Eric!" ]
131
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[ Belches, groans ]
132
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,135
Okay, you know what?
Put it down, bro.
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Put it down.
It's too much.
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00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:06,471
Yeah.
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00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:07,972
[ Light applause ]
136
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:11,142
[ Glass shatters ]
137
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:12,911
Get the [bleep]
outta here.
138
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Everything on the set
is edible.
139
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Luis...
Talk to me.
140
00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:19,017
...when you make love...
Now we're talking.
141
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,586
...do you press your lips
against your lover's lobes?
142
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[ Audience oohs ]
143
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Do I press my lips?
144
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,791
It's an erotic zone.
No shit.
145
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When you press
the right trigger point,
146
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:31,996
when you kiss them, lick them,
just blow a little air.
147
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:33,365
Whoo!
You know what I'm saying?
148
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,301
Sometimes I want to get a Q-Tip
and just go in there,
149
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,170
and it starts feeling good,
then I just keep doing it,
150
00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:41,339
doing it till, like,
blood comes out.
151
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[ Light applause ]
152
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Can I ask you
s-something?
153
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,044
Yeah.
[ Belches ]
154
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,946
Um, what's -- Um...
155
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Oh, my God.
156
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,282
[ Upbeat music plays ]
157
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Reese Witherspoon!
Reese Witherspoon!
158
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Babe,
you look like a penis!
159
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,122
But you a clean penis.
160
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,224
[ Laughter ]
161
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,160
♪♪
162
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Eric: Dude.
163
00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:04,929
See this guy?
164
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:06,131
Oh, yeah, yeah.
165
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,499
Check this out.
166
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:08,900
You can play
with his balls.
167
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,268
What?
168
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,504
Trying to get his balls
above his wiener.
[ Moaning ]
169
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Nah, you [bleep] man.
What you doing?
170
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,408
[ Moans ]
[ Grunts ]
171
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:18,042
You want to toss this guy around
like a rag doll?
172
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:20,278
Nah, don't do that.
Piece of shit.
173
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Dude, now you're [bleep].
What are you doing?
174
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,816
I can do whatever I want.
It's my last day.
Nah, nah.
175
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,484
You can't do that
to him, man.
176
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,052
I think I have to call
the police for you.
No, no, no.
177
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:30,255
I smile when I'm serious,
but I'm very serious right now.
178
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,357
Dude, call 9-1-2.
Call the better cops.
179
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,158
This is not normal.
180
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,659
[ Giggles ]
181
00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:36,394
[ Siren chirps ]
Actually,
I'm an undercover cop.
182
00:06:36,429 --> 00:06:38,496
You're under arrest.
Under arrest?
183
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:40,231
You got to get over here.
For what?
184
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,933
You -- You can't just
rough people up in the street.
185
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,435
I mean --
I didn't rough anybody up.
186
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:44,636
Yeah, you buggin'.
I don't know you.
187
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:45,970
No, you can't leave.
It's bad.
I didn't --
188
00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:47,105
Nah, I gotta get out of here.
189
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,506
I didn't do anything to --
wrong to you.
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00:06:48,541 --> 00:06:49,874
Eric: Dude,
he's an undercover cop,
191
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,544
and I'm an undercover
homeless guy.
192
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:53,812
What the [bleep]
is going on? Look.
193
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,213
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, check it out, dude.
194
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,881
Nah, you buggin'.
Y'all buggin'.
195
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,883
I'm here to work.
Look, I'm here to work.
196
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♪♪
197
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,553
[ Man moans ]
I'm here to work.
198
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,620
You know her from
"Wayne's World" --
199
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:03,588
Tia Carrere.
200
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:07,325
♪ 'Cause she's bat-shit crazy ♪
201
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,062
♪ She'll put you
under her spell ♪
202
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,364
Hello!
203
00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:15,533
You're bald!
I'm bald.
204
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:18,670
[ Song finishes ]
205
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:21,573
I love that we're all sparkly.
It's so fancy.
Very sparkly.
206
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,640
I'm trying to be --
I got my sparkle.
207
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:24,242
You got your sparkle on.
208
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,076
[ Rumbling ]
Well, what can I say?
209
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,344
You know -- Aaah!
Oh.
210
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,046
We're experiencing
turbulence.
211
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,681
Okay.
We got to put these masks on.
212
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,083
Ohh!
It smells like farts!
213
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,885
That's what oxygen smells like.
No, it doesn't!
214
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,253
I know what oxygen
smells like.
215
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,588
How do you know?
216
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,822
I've done oxygen.
217
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:40,625
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Laughs ]
218
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,961
Now, you were in a movie
called "True Lies."
219
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,195
That is true.
220
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:46,030
Is that a movie
about your life [bleep] story?
221
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:47,232
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
222
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,233
Come on! Up top!
223
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,838
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
224
00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:55,406
Look. [ Stammering ]
225
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:56,774
[ Coughs ]
226
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,109
Every day?
227
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,277
Huh?
Um...
228
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,478
[ Gargles nasally ]
229
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:01,379
Hey.
230
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:02,380
[ Grunts ]
231
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,715
[ Explosion ]
[ Screams ]
232
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,783
[ Grunting continues ]
233
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,085
Oh, okay.
234
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:07,852
Very mor--
235
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,554
[ Screams ]
236
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:10,855
[ Laughs ]
237
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:11,856
What?
238
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:12,857
[ Applause ]
239
00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:14,192
You want
some thermometer?
240
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,927
[ Sips ]
241
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,929
What?
242
00:08:17,964 --> 00:08:20,298
But at least
the temperature dropped.
243
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,266
[ Chuckles ]
244
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,834
[ Laughetr ]
245
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:23,902
Ugh!
246
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:24,936
I'm confused.
247
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,237
Get these cameras
out of here!
248
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,039
We didn't say
you could film.
249
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,541
Okay?
250
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:30,708
Can somebody
respond to me?
251
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:33,044
We're having a private
conversation, guys.
252
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,379
I'm not [bleep] playing games
with you!
[ Gunshots ]
253
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:36,414
Oh! Aah!
[ Bell ringing ]
254
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,049
[ Screams ]
Hey!
255
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,884
Stop filming
Tia Carrere!
256
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,219
I didn't give you
[bleep] permission, man!
257
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,654
What do you think
of this?!
258
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,756
The [bleep] is wrong
with you, man?!
Huh?!
259
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,457
You think you can
[bleep] play games here?!
260
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:48,960
Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!
Think you can play games?!
261
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:50,128
Huh?!
Tia: Ooh!
262
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,996
You have to ask
permission!
263
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:54,866
Eric: That is [bleep]
unprofessional.
264
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,702
I'm Mike Penis.
I'm named after my dad's penis.
265
00:08:57,737 --> 00:09:00,672
♪♪
266
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,807
'Scuse me!
This is my dad's club.
267
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,208
Hey!
This is my dad's club, man.
268
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:06,044
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
269
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,812
I'm the bouncer now.
I got a list.
270
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:10,014
Clooney,
Diesto, Avicii.
271
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:12,016
I own the [bleep] list now!
272
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,418
Man, you got
to let me in, bro.
273
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,420
Get off.
Are you putting
your dick in my catheter?
274
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,921
Ow!
275
00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:18,423
Go somewhere else.
Go somewhere else.
I'm just trying to --
276
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:19,724
I'm just trying
to create a distraction
277
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:21,426
'cause there's an active shooter
across the street.
278
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,727
Hey, get outta here, dude!
279
00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:24,329
Us bouncers stick together!
280
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,530
Do you know
who my father is?
281
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,131
He built this
brick-and-mortar.
282
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:29,367
That's awesome.
My dad owns you, dude!
283
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,072
My dad owns all the petroleum
in Dubai!
284
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,074
♪♪
285
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,409
[ Breathing heavily ]
286
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:41,079
Let's get ready for
"Rapper Warrior Ninja"!
287
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,880
[ Air horn blares ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
288
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,516
Eric: Cross the Wall of Death
and keep freestyling!
289
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:47,118
♪ I don't believe in marriage ♪
290
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,053
♪ But I might do, though ♪
291
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,656
♪ Came through with a
mother-[bleep] nice cool flow ♪
292
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,091
Ohh, shit!
293
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,425
[ Gunshots ]
294
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,526
Aah!
295
00:09:55,561 --> 00:09:57,428
Keep freestyling!
296
00:09:57,463 --> 00:09:59,731
You got this shit!
Lil Yachty's up next!
297
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,366
♪ Walkin' up and down
the point ♪
298
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,967
♪ Like they finna chase ♪
299
00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:04,869
♪ You can't scare me
if I'm only looking down ♪
300
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,405
♪ See, look, I wear
the crow-- ♪ Ow!
301
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,807
[ Laughter ]
302
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:11,175
♪ All you niggas drop ♪
303
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,910
What the [bleep]?!
Hey, hey, hey!
304
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:13,945
Aah!
305
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,648
[ Slow-motion ]
What the [bleep]?!
306
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:18,016
Eric: Murs, hit that beat!
307
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:21,052
♪♪
308
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:22,820
Whoa, shit!
You shocked me!
309
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:23,688
Ow!
310
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,323
-[ Bleep ]
-[ Laughter ]
311
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,824
-Mother[bleep]!
-Trippie Redd's next!
312
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:27,692
Trippie Redd!
313
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:29,861
♪ Woulda been a maybe ♪
314
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,796
♪ Oh, she with the,
what was that? ♪
315
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:34,565
♪ Ah, bitch, that just
hit me on my arm ♪
316
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,968
♪ Hey, hey, hey,
get the [bleep] away ♪
317
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,503
♪ Don't tase me ♪
318
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,004
♪ Please don't tase me, bitch ♪
319
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:41,072
[ Laughs ]
320
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,807
Ah, nigga!
321
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,609
Aah! [bleep]!
322
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,910
This nigga tased me!
323
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:48,012
♪ Mm, pickin' up my set ♪
324
00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,781
Use this microphone.
325
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,849
♪ Real nigga,
rollin' like a big shot ♪
326
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:54,719
♪ Chevy tuned up like
a NASCAR pit stop ♪
327
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,621
What is up, rappers?
328
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,222
♪ You can't faze me ♪
329
00:10:58,257 --> 00:10:59,991
-Rap, rap, and rap --
-Get out of here!
330
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,192
Get out out of here,
Kraft Punk!
331
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,094
[ Air horn blares ]
332
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:04,028
This has been..."
333
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:07,031
[ Coughs ] Rapper Warrior...
334
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,766
Ninja."
335
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,368
Abso...lutely.
336
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,904
-I have my doubts.
-Wow!