Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's "the eric andre show"!
[ screaming ] [ up-tempo jazz plays ]
[ clattering ]
[ audience cheering ]
[ screaming ]
[ music continues ]
Go!
Aah! [ horn honks ]
Oh!
Aah!
[ groaning ]
[ laughs ]
[ music continues ]
Actually, eric isn't destroying a real set.
These are all designed to be destroyed.
Aah! In fact --
[ screaming ]
[ fist thudding ]
[ siren wailing ]
♪ yeah ♪
Yeah. Bullets.
[ grunting ]
[ farts, machine gun firing ]
♪♪
Come on, asshole.
[ mid-tempo music plays ] [ applause ]
Hey. You know what, y'all?
Last time I checked, you kneel in church,
And you stand for the national anthem!
[ applause ]
Everybody rise!
Out of your chairs! Two, three.
♪ oh, I love the troops ♪
♪ and I love rock and roll ♪♪
♪ gave proof through the night ♪
♪ that qanon was still there ♪♪
♪ trixie dixie doodle ♪
♪ doodle doodle trixie ♪
♪ grab a little noodle, vote for tricky dixie nixie ♪
Announcer: If you're from a country
With sick natural resources,
Text protect to your local u.S. Embassy
And enter to win free tickets to see weezer!
Audience: U.S.A.!
I'm mike penis! I'm named after my dad's penis!
[ up-tempo dance music plays ]
I'm the bouncer now, baby. I'm mike penis.
I got the list. You work here?
[ music continues ]
Do yourself a favor and w-- dude, I'm mike penis.
Walk away, bro. Dude, there's lsd in this thing.
I'm giving you one warning.
You want to go see the grateful dead in albany with me later?
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry. [ horn blares ]
He sprayed some lsd on me. He pointed --
He took this shit out and sprayed some [bleep] lsd on me.
How do you know it's lsd?
That's what he just said.
Are you feeling weird at all? No, I'm not. Not yet.
[ up-tempo dance music plays ]
...Shooter. Walk away!
Okay. I'm trying to. Walk the [bleep] away!
I'm walking. I -- you squirt something at me again,
I'm gonna break your face. Dude, I'm saying that --
I'm warning you. I don't care who you are!
I don't care who you -- who you -- who you --
Who you are!
You got to let me into this club.
Okay! All right! What's going on with you?
I got some niggas that do the race.
I got some niggas that doing business on them pretty girls
That live an ugly life.
And I thank god that I'm still drippin'.
[ cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, puff daddy's son, quincy!
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
Yo!
[ music builds, ends ]
Quincy! What's up, man?
Man, coolin'. Coolin', bro.
You calling the shots these days
Or are you still taking shit from your old man?
Nah. I'm calling the shots.
[ audience whistling, applauding ]
Oh, man, you -- you are so great.
Didn't you beat the living daylights out of drake one time?
Didn't he [bleep] mike tyson punch-out, like...
Yeah. I-I wasn't there. Wasn't there.
Drake forgot your dad's from the streets,
And he took a microphone, and then your dad was like...
But they cool. They cool.
That's all that matters.
Drake was like... [ cheers and applause ]
But they cool now. They cool. They cool.
[ dart hissing ] oh!
[ laughing ] shit. What's going on with you?
Now, you were on the show "the real."
I was. Yeah.
"the real" is a real knock-off of "the view."
It -- it was fun. It was a good time.
They treated you like shit on that show.
[ applause ] nah.
Felipe esparza, everybody!
[ mid-tempo heavy metal plays ] [ growls, singing indistinctly ]
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Felipe esparza.
Zzt! You're full of electricity, homie.
[ laughter ]
You think god's got a cooter or a big-ass kielbasa?
He's got it all.
That's gross. [ laughter ]
[ laughs ] no. That's -- that's bigoted of me to say.
That's, um...
That's great. [ applause ]
This is the exterminator. Oh, god.
A lot of the poison's gone to his head,
So he's kind of out of it.
Oh!
And we have a real bad bug problem.
Have a regu-- oh!
Oh, shit. What's that?
It's just a shirt.
Woman: Whoo! Look. Open it up.
It look -- it look -- no, it's a shirt.
[ laughs ]
[ applause ]
You ever seen a penis slide across a fence?
Pt-pt-pt-pt!
Or [bleep] a fence? You gonna get laid --
[ gunshot echoes ]
Are you a jack of hearts or an ace of spades?
Oh! [ chair whirring ]
Oh! [ "curb your enthusiasm" theme plays ]
Incoming ranch glider!
[ farts ] [ rock music plays ]
Whoa!
[ descending whistle ]
Ohh-h-h-h-h-h! [ crash ]
Shit, dude.
Whoa. What the hell is going on here?
Dude! You're chill charlie, man.
What's up, chill charlie?
Dude, is your wife still depressed?
She's very depressed.
[ rock music plays ] ♪ what's it like to feel? ♪
Hold on. Ooh. You're working on pie charts?
I'm working on a pie shart. [ farts ]
Do I have permission to touch your face? No, no, no.
Good to see ya, dude. Time to hit the skies!
I can see lollapalooza from up here.
[ up-tempo heavy metal plays ]
You know him from the cincinnati bengals -- chad johnson!
[ "Monday night football" theme plays ] felipe: You stay buff, bro.
[ cheers and applause ]
Nice to meet you. Eric: Shit.
I didn't know you were gonna be white, my man.
Yeah. You gonna venmo me for reparations?
[ laughter, applause ]
How many yards did you run... Ever?
You're thinking of the wrong -- that's the other chad johnson.
Cleveland bengals. That's the wrong dude, man.
That's the football dude. I was on the, like, dating show.
"who wants to marry a millionaire?"
Mm. [ applause ]
You got any plans this weekend?
My ex wanted to go to vegas
'cause she wanted to go to some, like, wedding.
And, like, I'm still friends -- ex?
Ex? What? You're whipped, man.
No. She's cool. It's like a friend ex.
Have you lost your [bleep] mind? [ audience booing ]
Oh, you in the friend zone, dog. She watches my dog.
I'm not in the friend zone. That's not the friend zone.
Yeah, dude. You ain't getting laid in vegas, man.
That wasn't the plan. Oh, shit!
What the [bleep] was that? [ "Monday night football" theme plays ]
We didn't get the football guy. It's a different chad johnson.
Touchdown! He's from a dating show, man.
Hey.
Huh? Yeah. Are you famous?
I don't...
This guy is a [bleep] fox.
[ cheers and applause ] well, thank you, dude.
You're [bleep] hot, dude.
I thought you were the football guy, man,
And I don't have any questions planned.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
[ helicopter whirring ] reporting for duty, sir.
What the [bleep]
You got to support the troops.
Is your dick out, bro? What the [bleep]
Why is this happening right now, man?
When in rome, right, dawg?
Felipe: Come on, baby.
What the [bleep]
Dude, that guy was a national hero.
And I'm next. What the...
You're on tv right now. That camera right there.
[ audience cheering ]
[ urinating ]
We're tv x now.
Jesus christ.
I'm real dehydrated, man.
Jesus christ.
No, bro. No.
[ slurps ]
[ gargling ]
[ audience cheering ] [ rock music plays ]
Lemonade!
Come on, everybody. Aah!
Aah! Jesus! I love ya.
♪♪
[ down-tempo music plays ]
[ bird screeches, dramatic music plays ]
[ baby crying ]
Excuse me. Have you seen, like, a falcon -- like, a hawk?
Please! Please! Have you seen a falcon? Please!
You saw one? No, I haven't seen one.
What's that? I got attacked by it.
I took her egg, and she took my kid.
Like, eye-for-eye shit.
And I've been trying to attract her back with cat food,
And it's doing nothing, and I'm panicking
'cause my wife's about to be home in 30 minutes, man.
Yes.
[ bird screeches, baby crying ]
Have you guys seen a-a bird?
No, I didn't. Shit.
I took one of her eggs,
And she took -- she took my 18-month-old.
You took her egg and she took your child?
Yes. Oh, shit.
Can you please help me?
Help you do what? You talking about a falcon?
The falcon took the baby.
[ gasps ] yeah.
Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with now.
As the minutes go on, I get more and more, like, out of it.
You have a lot of blood coming out of you.
I've been using this for my wounds -- hydrogen peroxide.
Ohh.
Why you drinking that? It's h2o2.
It's the sequel to water. [ groans ]
You're not supposed to drink -- oh, jesus. I can't. You're not supposed to drink that, man.
It tastes horrible.
You're going to the hospital. Does this look bad?
Oh, it's [bleep] up.
I don't think the baby survived.
No, no. Come on. [ dramatic music plays ]
Don't say that. So where's the baby at?
[ echoing, voice distorted ] where's the baby at?
Eric: A bird took my kid.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Oh, that's them. There they are.
[ falcon screeches, baby laughing ]
Look at my falcon just doing its thing.
Isn't that beautiful?
I was a -- I'm a bit of a worrywart.
But that's just them doing their thing.
[ water splashes ]
They're a bit rambunctious. [ baby laughing ]
There's no rules! Just a bunch of bullshit!
"rapper warrior ninja"! [ air horn blares ]
[ cheers and applause ] fat tony!
Go! Okay!
Eric: Hit that helium! Yeah! [ inhales deeply ]
Don't stop freestyling! [ groans ]
♪ I'm spinnin' in this bitch ♪
♪ hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ I don't know why I did this [bleep] show ♪
♪ maybe I'm blem, ooh ♪
[ whip cracks ] ow!
I ain't do nothing wrong!
Actually, bring your ass back over here.
Where you going? Aah!
Why is steve-o spinning in a chair?
Steve-o, what the [bleep] you doing with them balls?
Man, what the [bleep] is this shit, man?
I don't want to do this shit, man.
Eric: Rap, god damn it!
♪ I came on "eric andre" and I don't give a [bleep] ♪
♪ I want to get down ♪
♪ I'm going to get my ak when I get back to town ♪
♪ and I'm gonna shoot all you bitches ♪
[ electricity crackling ] oh! Aah! Shit!
You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you, nigga.
Mother... Get me off this shit!
Eric: Hit that helium.
♪ nigga, I hit the helium ♪
♪ contact like a -- ♪
Oh! Nigga, no! [ electricity crackling ]
Ow, bitch! [bleep]
[ laughing ]
Hey, nigga, this ain't oz. Get the [bleep] out my face!
This is my shit. Get out of here, nigga!
I don't want no shit!
Eric: Rip his [bleep] hair out of his legs!
Cuco: No, no. Hold up. Hold up. Hold the [bleep] up.
It's so [bleep] hot! Oh! My god.
[ laughs ]
[ electricity crackling ]
[ audience cheering ]
Aah!
[ electricity crackling ]
Woman: Oh, man, you -- you are so great.