1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:07,306
[ screaming ]
[ up-tempo jazz plays ]
2
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,142
[ grunts ]
3
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:13,077
[ screaming ]
4
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:18,083
♪♪
5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:21,053
[ engine revs, tires screech ]
6
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,088
[ engine revving ]
7
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:25,824
[ voice breaking ]
please. Help me. Help me.
8
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:29,161
[ groans ]
9
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:32,697
♪♪
10
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,166
[ screaming ]
11
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,168
[ harp chimes ]
12
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,437
[ down-tempo music plays ]
13
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:43,575
The hills are alive
with the sound of bullshit
14
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,044
W-- aah!
[ up-tempo music plays ]
15
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,379
[ explosion ]
16
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,315
[ up-tempo jazz playing ]
17
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,317
[ water splashes ]
18
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,687
[ breathing heavily ]
19
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,857
[ drumroll ]
[ gasps ]
20
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:00,258
Okay!
21
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,327
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
22
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,862
♪ I did it all ♪
23
00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,597
♪ so later, tv ♪
24
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,065
♪ I'm going to hell ♪
25
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,134
♪ and you're coming with me ♪
26
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:11,203
♪ I'm drinking this poison ♪
27
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:12,471
♪ without a fuss ♪
28
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:15,540
♪ I accept my fate
with utter disgust ♪
29
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:18,543
[ explosion,
dramatic music plays ]
30
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:22,614
Welcome to the 50th episode
of "the eric andre show"!
31
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:26,418
[ bell chiming ]
[ cheers and applause ]
32
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,488
[ groaning ]
33
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,624
♪♪
34
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,760
[ vehicles passing ]
35
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,897
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
36
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,099
[ tires screech, horn honks ]
37
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,902
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
38
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,304
Is there a problem?
I made a mistake.
39
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:47,305
Did you call 911?
40
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,241
They made the green part
say "stop"
41
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,510
And the red part say "go."
42
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:52,977
I wasn't paying attention.
43
00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,446
And now I'm in over my head,
44
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,980
And my father was the number-one
crossing guard in the city.
45
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:58,650
Well, I'm gonna call 911 --
[ tires screech ]
46
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,719
Oh, shit.
Oh, my god.
47
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:01,920
Wait.
48
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,188
Don't leave!
Don't leave!
49
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:04,389
Don't leave!
Get his license!
50
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:06,658
Get his license!
Get his license!
51
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,126
I didn't get it.
52
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,794
Here. Here. Here.
T-take this.
53
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,663
And just say that you did it.
I can't get in trouble for this.
54
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:12,865
I can't do that.
I'm not gonna do it.
55
00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:14,266
Well, I don't want to get
in trouble here.
56
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,667
Help him. Help him.
I'll take it. Help him.
57
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,736
Give him some milk
for his bones.
58
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:18,871
Lookit. Lookit.
59
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,004
Maybe you j--
60
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:21,806
[ groans ]
61
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,543
What are you doing?!
You've got to stimulate
the blood flow!
62
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,010
Get the [bleep] out of here!
Why?
63
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,346
Because you just kicked
the guy!
I've got a milky eye!
64
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,948
I can't see!
65
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,750
I'm handicapped, too.
I'm so sorry.
66
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,018
You want me to get more milk?
Get out of here!
67
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:35,888
We don't want you
to be even here!
68
00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:37,756
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
let's try again.
69
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,091
You know...
Get out of here.
70
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:42,494
...When you're having a hard day
at work, eat some chips.
71
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,028
They're good for you.
72
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,397
Help!
73
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:50,635
[ up-tempo music plays ]
74
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:53,171
He plays the basketball.
Blake griffin, everybody!
75
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,708
[ cheers and applause ]
yes.
76
00:02:56,843 --> 00:03:00,312
You're a -- god damn.
You're a [bleep] specimen.
77
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,514
[ vocalizing ]
eric: Sit that ass down,
78
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,849
My [bleep]
79
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,518
[ slide whistle plays ]
80
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,254
[ anvil clangs, horn honks ]
81
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:11,790
You're too -- you're too big
for your own britches.
82
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,992
I'm not used to watching you
in person.
83
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:17,396
Hey.
What team are you on?
84
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,797
The detroit pistons.
85
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,199
Do you get all sweaty,
or are you one of them dry boys?
86
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,534
Oh, I'm a sweaty boy.
87
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,468
Cool.
[ applause ]
88
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,404
Oh, thank you so much.
89
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,072
Thank you.
90
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,473
It's one of the best champagne
we have.
91
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:29,942
Oh, okay. Beautiful.
Thank you so much.
92
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:31,476
And where'd you get
your gray shirt?
93
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,145
I, um...
94
00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:36,481
We're two p.A.S,
and we're a married couple,
95
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:37,816
Which is unusual.
96
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,818
Oh, that...
Eric: They're p.A.S,
and they're married.
97
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,621
Woman:
We've been married 25 years.
98
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,156
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
hey! What's up, man?
99
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:46,891
Felipe: What's up, belipe?
Belipe!
100
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,026
[ fist smacks ]
101
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,162
Eric:
What's happening, baby?
102
00:03:50,164 --> 00:03:52,230
[ cheers and applause ]
103
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,833
Hey, belipe, he can't drink
'cause he's an athlete.
104
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,435
[ bird squawking ]
I'm...
Is it a religious thing?
105
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,638
Like -- we got birds up here.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
106
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,105
I'm not a -- no.
I -- no.
107
00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:03,241
You think these are
cosby cocktails?
108
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,443
[ laughter ]
109
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,980
You think bill cosby
is guest bartending backstage?
110
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:09,848
Felipe: Pudding pops!
No. I doubt it.
111
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,183
When the jell-o hits you...
112
00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,251
You are part of the reason
that he's behind bars.
113
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,853
Belipe. Belipe.
Oh, my goodness.
114
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,455
Belipe, make sure his shins
are shinin'.
115
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,389
Shiny, huh?
116
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,326
They're a married pa couple.
117
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:24,863
She was introduced to me
by one of our mutual friend.
118
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:25,864
Mm-hmm.
119
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,399
Thank you so much.
So we'll be back.
120
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,601
No. Thank you.
Thank you. See you later.
121
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,336
All right.
See you.
122
00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:34,873
So what team are you on?
Uh...The detroit pistons.
123
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,342
Your team is named
after a single engine component?
124
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:40,278
Yeah.
Why not call yourselves
the detroit engines
125
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,746
Or the detroit cars?
126
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:42,815
Because I think --
127
00:04:42,817 --> 00:04:44,683
I mean, where's eminem
when you need him,
128
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,419
And why won't berry [bleep]
gordy do something about it?
129
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,753
Do something, motown.
130
00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:49,888
Come on, motown.
131
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,290
Hey. I watched you play
a basketball game.
132
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,692
Yeah.
133
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,027
And you were like -- phoo!
Boink!
134
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:56,961
And the ball did not go in.
Oh. I missed one?
135
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,163
Yeah.
It was so embarrassing.
136
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,365
Brick!
Ball was like bwee-kwee!
137
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:03,235
Uh, I think the ball's
supposed to go in the hoop?
138
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:06,104
I know.
That was, like,
cringe basketball.
139
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,506
I couldn't even watch that.
[ boing ]
140
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,842
Oh, my god.
[ cheers and applause ]
141
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:11,976
Hey.
Do you think I'm pretty?
142
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,312
♪♪
143
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,049
Did you order some ranch?
144
00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:18,851
[ rock music plays ]
145
00:05:18,853 --> 00:05:20,318
[ liquid bubbling ]
146
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,521
Oh, dude!
That was me.
147
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,589
You got my --
you got my --
148
00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:26,859
Whoa! Easy!
Easy! Easy!
149
00:05:26,861 --> 00:05:28,993
You got my --
you got my back, right, dude?
150
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,129
Oh, shit.
You're david bro-ie.
151
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:34,999
♪ ground control
to major bong ♪
152
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,135
Do I have permission
to touch your face?
No!
153
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:39,204
Whoa-oh-oh!
154
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:40,272
Oh, shit.
155
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:42,541
Dude, I stole this
from lena dunham's parents.
156
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:43,876
It's her sonogram.
[ baby cries ]
157
00:05:43,878 --> 00:05:45,610
There's only seven of these
that leaked, dude.
158
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:47,746
Buzz me.
159
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,948
[ fist thuds, rock music plays ]
160
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,951
♪♪
161
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,287
[ discordant music playing ]
162
00:05:55,289 --> 00:06:00,158
Man:
[bleep] you, murderer!
163
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,095
And we're back
with blake griffin.
164
00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:05,163
Are you named after the guy
from "family guy"?
165
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,164
Which one?
166
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,901
Hey.
It's navy seal team 69.
167
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:10,835
[ dramatic music plays ]
168
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,838
These guys sixty-nined bin laden
for our freedom.
169
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,039
Wow. Oh, man.
Show some support.
170
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,375
Of course.
I'm s-- I'm so sorry.
171
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:19,377
[ mid-tempo March plays ]
wow.
172
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,913
[ man moaning ]
173
00:06:20,915 --> 00:06:22,647
[ gunshot, glass shatters ]
174
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:23,848
Did he have a gun on him?
175
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:26,050
I mean, what can I say,
man?
176
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,253
Patriotism is the conviction
that your country
177
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,989
Is superior to all others
'cause you were born in it.
178
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,657
[ thud ]
oh, geez.
179
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:33,792
All right.
180
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,260
Belipe, belipe,
belipe, belipe.
181
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,328
Pbht!
182
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,663
Why can I hear stuff
all the time?
183
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,265
Oh, shit!
It's ice rasta!
184
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,267
♪♪
185
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,135
Aah!
186
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:44,202
♪♪
187
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,537
[ clattering ]
188
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:46,939
♪♪
189
00:06:46,941 --> 00:06:47,940
Aah!
Aah!
190
00:06:47,942 --> 00:06:49,141
[ indistinct shouting ]
191
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:50,342
[ slurping ]
192
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:51,610
Oh, n-n...
193
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,078
[ screams ]
ooh.
194
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,080
Belipe, belipe, belipe.
Oh, my god.
195
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,548
♪♪
196
00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:00,218
[ vehicles passing,
birds chirping ]
197
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,220
[ dramatic music plays ]
oh, excuse me.
198
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:05,223
[ bottles clattering ]
[ grunts ] oh, jesus.
199
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,424
Oh, my god.
Thank god.
200
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,360
Sir, can I talk to you
for a second?
201
00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:09,361
Yes, sir.
202
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:10,562
You seem pretty trustworthy,
man.
203
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,896
I'm in a lot of trouble.
204
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:13,766
Okay.
I'm with
the mayor's daughter.
205
00:07:13,768 --> 00:07:16,101
She's not exactly of age.
Okay.
206
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,169
She's --
it looks like she's...
207
00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:19,171
Yeah. She's injured, too.
Shit, dude.
208
00:07:19,173 --> 00:07:20,305
[bleep]
209
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,906
Could we --
this sounds unorthodox.
210
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,242
Can we swap clothes, maybe,
and I just get in your clothes?
211
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,644
Please say
that you can help us.
No.
212
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,911
I can't have the paramedics
here, okay?
213
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:29,782
Paramedics equals socialism.
I [bleep] hate that shit.
214
00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:31,984
I'm sorry. I can't get involved.
You're not involved.
215
00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:34,186
This never happened.
I-I cannot. I am sorry.
216
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:35,587
This is a lot of money
in pesos.
217
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,322
You can go to mexico right now.
You can buy ropas.
218
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,524
Sorry.
I-I am on the job.
219
00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:40,925
Hold up.
I'm sorry, babe.
220
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,927
You didn't even ask
for my preferred pronoun.
221
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,597
You're lucky I'm cis, dude.
222
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,599
I'm the last cisgender cop
on my force.
223
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,067
That behavior is learned,
man.
224
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,603
You should have a talk
with your parents.
225
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,539
Ooh! I got you on tape.
I have to go. Please!
226
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:55,607
Sir, wait.
Ken!
227
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,075
Ken!
[ siren wailing ]
228
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,277
I have to go!
Ken, please. Ken, please.
229
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,814
You see that camera
over there?
230
00:08:01,816 --> 00:08:04,349
You're on "the alfredo effect."
231
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:07,820
You don't be alfredo...The dark.
232
00:08:07,822 --> 00:08:11,490
I don't think that's funny,
man.
233
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,025
[ light music plays ]
234
00:08:13,027 --> 00:08:14,959
[bleep]
235
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:19,431
[ dramatic music plays ]
236
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,633
Ladies and gentlemen,
she's a porn star
237
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,236
That [bleep] the president --
stormy daniels.
238
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:28,773
[ up-tempo music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
239
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:29,908
Va-voom!
240
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,780
You're a little cutie pie.
241
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:36,715
Yeah, she is.
242
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,051
You're a beautiful
little potato bug.
243
00:08:39,053 --> 00:08:40,519
Super hot.
244
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:44,656
You're a gorgeous mamacita
flower -- bloomin' onion...
245
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,725
California cauliflower...
You don't have to sweet-talk me.
246
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,193
I'm kind of a sure thing.
247
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,261
[ speaking spanish ]
248
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:51,596
Do you keep in touch
with your parents?
249
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,465
[bleep] no. Do you?
Felipe: Hell no.
250
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:56,068
[bleep] no.
Hell no.
Never mind.
251
00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:57,469
Dude,
my parents came in here,
252
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,538
I'd pull out my nine
on their ass.
253
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:00,338
Boom.
254
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,606
Boom!
255
00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:02,741
In the dome.
256
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:06,679
It's time for
"the rest of the interview"!
257
00:09:06,681 --> 00:09:09,081
[ up-tempo music plays ]
whoo!
258
00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:11,616
[ cheers and applause ]
259
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,886
Yes!
260
00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:15,220
♪♪
261
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,622
I read that you were homeless
at one point.
262
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,892
What?!
That you lived in a car.
263
00:09:19,894 --> 00:09:22,294
It was not a car.
[ applause ]
264
00:09:22,296 --> 00:09:23,896
It w-- whoa!
265
00:09:23,898 --> 00:09:26,298
Shit.
That thing's hot.
266
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,768
You lived in a car
or something?
267
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,970
It was not a car.
268
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,239
Yeah!
I'm back!
269
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,174
Oh, shit!
It's time to end the season!
270
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:39,043
[ dramatic music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
271
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:44,383
♪♪
272
00:09:44,385 --> 00:09:45,517
Yo.
273
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,185
W-- hannibal?
274
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,922
Thank you
for seeing you again!
[ down-tempo music plays ]
275
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,323
Dude,
what happened to you?
276
00:09:51,325 --> 00:09:53,725
I went to the store.
277
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,261
Bro, I needed you.
278
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,596
You didn't need me.
279
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,664
The power is in you.
280
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:02,734
I never existed
this whole time.
281
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,068
Go back.
Watch the tapes.
282
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,471
[ echoing ]
I'm a mirage.
283
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:09,141
Hannibal, chime in.
284
00:10:09,143 --> 00:10:13,278
♪♪
285
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,948
I'm the king, man.
I'm king shit.
286
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,549
You're little.
You're small.
287
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,417
You don't get me.
[ down-tempo music plays ]
288
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,821
♪ these memories ♪
289
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,022
Whoa.
290
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:27,760
♪ leave some sad dreams ♪
291
00:10:27,762 --> 00:10:29,762
♪ life is stupid ♪
292
00:10:29,764 --> 00:10:31,496
♪ do whatever ♪
293
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:34,699
♪ you could die
or live forever ♪
294
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:35,900
♪ what to do now? ♪
295
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:39,772
♪ we just don't [bleep] know ♪
296
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:46,111
♪ 'cause that's all
we had planned ♪
297
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:52,717
♪ for the show ♪
298
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:55,453
[ explosion ]
299
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,623
All right.
I'm out.
300
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:01,593
Woman:
We've been married 25 years.
301
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:06,398
Announcer: If you're a fan
of "the eric andre show,"
302
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,266
Then you're gonna fall in love
with eric's new show,
303
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,268
"the pageant."
304
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,004
But don't take our word for it.
305
00:11:12,006 --> 00:11:15,641
See what these real people
have to say about "the pageant."
306
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,078
Hosted by eric andre.
307
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,947
♪ the pageant ♪
308
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:24,149
♪ who will be? ♪
309
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,751
♪ this is me ♪
310
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:27,886
♪ from the pageant ♪
311
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,754
Announcer: Get ready
for the broadway sensation,
312
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:30,689
"the pageant."
313
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:33,826
♪ will she be rich or poor ♪
314
00:11:33,828 --> 00:11:35,293
♪ or middle class? ♪
315
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,029
Yay!
316
00:11:37,031 --> 00:11:41,633
♪ the pageant is in america ♪
317
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:44,837
Let's give it up for uday
and qusay hussein, huh?
318
00:11:44,839 --> 00:11:46,171
They did not die in vain.
319
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:53,245
♪ have you ever imagined
such a pageant before? ♪
320
00:11:53,247 --> 00:11:57,049
I get to legally marry
one of these women tonight.
321
00:11:57,051 --> 00:11:59,218
Welcome to the landmark center.
322
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:02,454
Can we have a moment of silence
323
00:12:02,456 --> 00:12:05,524
For all of the contestants
who passed away last year?
324
00:12:05,526 --> 00:12:07,459
[ audience murmuring ]
325
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:13,465
♪ the pageant is here to stay ♪
326
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:16,535
♪ a pageant is there ♪
327
00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:23,808
♪ merry christmas
to all of you in sight ♪
328
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:26,611
Everyone can compete
in a pageant.
329
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,480
[ whip cracks ]
announcer:
There's something for everyone
330
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:29,882
When you're watching
"the pageant."
331
00:12:29,884 --> 00:12:31,416
Man: What did you think
of "the pageant"?
332
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,886
What pageant?
It was a -- it was a freak show.
333
00:12:33,888 --> 00:12:37,956
Complete rubbish. Rubbish!
That's what this is is rubbish!
334
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:38,823
Man:
Yeah!
335
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:41,560
Man:
Oh, come on, man.
336
00:12:41,562 --> 00:12:43,361
[ up-tempo music plays ]
337
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:47,165
Man: Hey, what the [bleep]
is this shit, man?!
338
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:51,770
My least favorite was to see
a fat guy in underwear.
339
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:54,172
I don't usually see guys
in their underwear like that.
340
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,774
I don't hang out at the gym.
341
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:59,244
It definitely didn't exceed
my expectations.
342
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,979
I didn't want to see that
at all.
343
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,782
[ indistinct shouting ]
344
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:06,151
[ audience murmuring ]
345
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,323
[ feedback squealing ]
346
00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:13,725
Eric:
Hey, I'm sorry about that, guys.
347
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:16,528
We have tacos.
We have a taco sponsorship.
348
00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:17,996
Benadryl tacos and kava.
349
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:20,198
Kava is, like, a natural drink
350
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,937
With, like, uh, anti-anxiety
properties...
351
00:13:24,939 --> 00:13:26,939
Kind of thing.
Man: This smell like ass.
352
00:13:26,941 --> 00:13:30,609
I'm sorry about everything.
Take a beat. Eat, relax.
353
00:13:30,611 --> 00:13:34,079
We have a special guest --
the irish singing tree.
354
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:35,948
Let's give it up
for the irish singing tree.
355
00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:38,150
[ wheels squeaking,
flute plays ]
356
00:13:38,152 --> 00:13:41,886
♪ oh, luck of the irish,
I tell ye ♪
357
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:44,356
♪ I am the irish singing tree ♪
358
00:13:44,358 --> 00:13:46,158
Sing along with me now!
♪ oh, yeah ♪
359
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,560
Announcer:
Get ready for the show
you won't stop talking about.
360
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:50,629
My least favorite part
was the crackheads
361
00:13:50,631 --> 00:13:54,032
That came out naked with
their vagina and their dick out.
362
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,700
I'm so glad I'm going to church
tomorrow.
363
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:56,769
The pageant was gross.
364
00:13:56,771 --> 00:13:58,570
Very disturbing.
Very disturbing.
365
00:13:58,572 --> 00:13:59,571
Kind of appalling.
366
00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:01,774
I didn't like anything about it.
367
00:14:01,776 --> 00:14:03,508
I didn't want to see any nude
368
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,844
Or any fighting
or anything like that.
369
00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:10,515
Man:
Ain't nothing but deviants.
370
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:14,386
I just want to drink right now
and read the bible
371
00:14:14,388 --> 00:14:15,654
And then that's it.
372
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:17,055
Man, I'm not really down
373
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,257
With some of the sick-ass shit
y'all doing, but I'm here.
374
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,860
This is some sodom-and-gomorrah,
dick-in-the-booty-ass shit.
375
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:22,995
I know y'all a bunch of freaks,
376
00:14:22,997 --> 00:14:24,729
And I'm waiting for this shit
to be over.
377
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:25,731
Announcer:
"the pageant."