[ screaming ] [ up-tempo jazz plays ]
[ grunts ]
[ screaming ]
♪♪
[ engine revs, tires screech ]
[ engine revving ]
[ voice breaking ] please. Help me. Help me.
[ groans ]
♪♪
[ screaming ]
[ harp chimes ]
[ down-tempo music plays ]
The hills are alive with the sound of bullshit
W-- aah! [ up-tempo music plays ]
[ explosion ]
[ up-tempo jazz playing ]
[ water splashes ]
[ breathing heavily ]
[ drumroll ] [ gasps ]
Okay!
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
♪ I did it all ♪
♪ so later, tv ♪
♪ I'm going to hell ♪
♪ and you're coming with me ♪
♪ I'm drinking this poison ♪
♪ without a fuss ♪
♪ I accept my fate with utter disgust ♪
[ explosion, dramatic music plays ]
Welcome to the 50th episode of "the eric andre show"!
[ bell chiming ] [ cheers and applause ]
[ groaning ]
♪♪
[ vehicles passing ]
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
[ tires screech, horn honks ]
Oh, god. Oh, no.
Is there a problem? I made a mistake.
Did you call 911?
They made the green part say "stop"
And the red part say "go."
I wasn't paying attention.
And now I'm in over my head,
And my father was the number-one crossing guard in the city.
Well, I'm gonna call 911 -- [ tires screech ]
Oh, shit. Oh, my god.
Wait.
Don't leave! Don't leave!
Get his license!
I didn't get it.
Here. Here. Here. T-take this.
And just say that you did it. I can't get in trouble for this.
I can't do that. I'm not gonna do it.
Well, I don't want to get in trouble here.
Help him. Help him. I'll take it. Help him.
Give him some milk for his bones.
Lookit. Lookit.
Maybe you j--
[ groans ]
What are you doing?! You've got to stimulate the blood flow!
Get the [bleep] out of here! Why?
Because you just kicked the guy! I've got a milky eye!
I can't see!
I'm handicapped, too. I'm so sorry.
You want me to get more milk? Get out of here!
We don't want you to be even here!
[ mid-tempo music plays ] let's try again.
You know... Get out of here.
...When you're having a hard day at work, eat some chips.
They're good for you.
Help!
[ up-tempo music plays ]
He plays the basketball. Blake griffin, everybody!
[ cheers and applause ] yes.
You're a -- god damn. You're a [bleep] specimen.
[ vocalizing ] eric: Sit that ass down,
My [bleep]
[ slide whistle plays ]
[ anvil clangs, horn honks ]
You're too -- you're too big for your own britches.
I'm not used to watching you in person.
Hey. What team are you on?
The detroit pistons.
Do you get all sweaty, or are you one of them dry boys?
Oh, I'm a sweaty boy.
Cool. [ applause ]
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you.
It's one of the best champagne we have.
Oh, okay. Beautiful. Thank you so much.
And where'd you get your gray shirt?
I, um...
We're two p.A.S, and we're a married couple,
Which is unusual.
Oh, that... Eric: They're p.A.S, and they're married.
Woman: We've been married 25 years.
[ mid-tempo music plays ] hey! What's up, man?
Felipe: What's up, belipe? Belipe!
[ fist smacks ]
Eric: What's happening, baby?
[ cheers and applause ]
Hey, belipe, he can't drink 'cause he's an athlete.
[ bird squawking ] I'm... Is it a religious thing?
Like -- we got birds up here. Oh, okay. Yeah.
I'm not a -- no. I -- no.
You think these are cosby cocktails?
[ laughter ]
You think bill cosby is guest bartending backstage?
Felipe: Pudding pops! No. I doubt it.
When the jell-o hits you...
You are part of the reason that he's behind bars.
Belipe. Belipe. Oh, my goodness.
Belipe, make sure his shins are shinin'.
Shiny, huh?
They're a married pa couple.
She was introduced to me by one of our mutual friend.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you so much. So we'll be back.
No. Thank you. Thank you. See you later.
All right. See you.
So what team are you on? Uh...The detroit pistons.
Your team is named after a single engine component?
Yeah. Why not call yourselves the detroit engines
Or the detroit cars?
Because I think --
I mean, where's eminem when you need him,
And why won't berry [bleep] gordy do something about it?
Do something, motown.
Come on, motown.
Hey. I watched you play a basketball game.
Yeah.
And you were like -- phoo! Boink!
And the ball did not go in. Oh. I missed one?
Yeah. It was so embarrassing.
Brick! Ball was like bwee-kwee!
Uh, I think the ball's supposed to go in the hoop?
I know. That was, like, cringe basketball.
I couldn't even watch that. [ boing ]
Oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ]
Hey. Do you think I'm pretty?
♪♪
Did you order some ranch?
[ rock music plays ]
[ liquid bubbling ]
Oh, dude! That was me.
You got my -- you got my --
Whoa! Easy! Easy! Easy!
You got my -- you got my back, right, dude?
Oh, shit. You're david bro-ie.
♪ ground control to major bong ♪
Do I have permission to touch your face? No!
Whoa-oh-oh!
Oh, shit.
Dude, I stole this from lena dunham's parents.
It's her sonogram. [ baby cries ]
There's only seven of these that leaked, dude.
Buzz me.
[ fist thuds, rock music plays ]
♪♪
[ discordant music playing ]
Man: [bleep] you, murderer!
And we're back with blake griffin.
Are you named after the guy from "family guy"?
Which one?
Hey. It's navy seal team 69.
[ dramatic music plays ]
These guys sixty-nined bin laden for our freedom.
Wow. Oh, man. Show some support.
Of course. I'm s-- I'm so sorry.
[ mid-tempo March plays ] wow.
[ man moaning ]
[ gunshot, glass shatters ]
Did he have a gun on him?
I mean, what can I say, man?
Patriotism is the conviction that your country
Is superior to all others 'cause you were born in it.
[ thud ] oh, geez.
All right.
Belipe, belipe, belipe, belipe.
Pbht!
Why can I hear stuff all the time?
Oh, shit! It's ice rasta!
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
[ clattering ]
♪♪
Aah! Aah!
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ slurping ]
Oh, n-n...
[ screams ] ooh.
Belipe, belipe, belipe. Oh, my god.
♪♪
[ vehicles passing, birds chirping ]
[ dramatic music plays ] oh, excuse me.
[ bottles clattering ] [ grunts ] oh, jesus.
Oh, my god. Thank god.
Sir, can I talk to you for a second?
Yes, sir.
You seem pretty trustworthy, man.
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Okay. I'm with the mayor's daughter.
She's not exactly of age. Okay.
She's -- it looks like she's...
Yeah. She's injured, too. Shit, dude.
[bleep]
Could we -- this sounds unorthodox.
Can we swap clothes, maybe, and I just get in your clothes?
Please say that you can help us. No.
I can't have the paramedics here, okay?
Paramedics equals socialism. I [bleep] hate that shit.
I'm sorry. I can't get involved. You're not involved.
This never happened. I-I cannot. I am sorry.
This is a lot of money in pesos.
You can go to mexico right now. You can buy ropas.
Sorry. I-I am on the job.
Hold up. I'm sorry, babe.
You didn't even ask for my preferred pronoun.
You're lucky I'm cis, dude.
I'm the last cisgender cop on my force.
That behavior is learned, man.
You should have a talk with your parents.
Ooh! I got you on tape. I have to go. Please!
Sir, wait. Ken!
[ siren wailing ]
I have to go! Ken, please. Ken, please.
You see that camera over there?
You're on "the alfredo effect."
You don't be alfredo...The dark.
I don't think that's funny, man.
[ light music plays ]
[bleep]
[ dramatic music plays ]
Ladies and gentlemen, she's a porn star
That [bleep] the president -- stormy daniels.
[ up-tempo music plays ] [ cheers and applause ]
Va-voom!
You're a little cutie pie.
Yeah, she is.
You're a beautiful little potato bug.
Super hot.
You're a gorgeous mamacita flower -- bloomin' onion...
California cauliflower... You don't have to sweet-talk me.
I'm kind of a sure thing.
[ speaking spanish ]
Do you keep in touch with your parents?
[bleep] no. Do you? Felipe: Hell no.
[bleep] no. Hell no. Never mind.
Dude, my parents came in here,
I'd pull out my nine on their ass.
Boom.
Boom!
In the dome.
It's time for "the rest of the interview"!
[ up-tempo music plays ] whoo!
[ cheers and applause ]
Yes!
♪♪
I read that you were homeless at one point.
What?! That you lived in a car.
It was not a car. [ applause ]
It w-- whoa!
Shit. That thing's hot.
You lived in a car or something?
It was not a car.
Yeah! I'm back!
Oh, shit! It's time to end the season!
[ dramatic music plays ] [ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Yo.
W-- hannibal?
Thank you for seeing you again! [ down-tempo music plays ]
Dude, what happened to you?
I went to the store.
Bro, I needed you.
You didn't need me.
The power is in you.
I never existed this whole time.
Go back. Watch the tapes.
[ echoing ] I'm a mirage.
Hannibal, chime in.
♪♪
I'm the king, man. I'm king shit.
You're little. You're small.
You don't get me. [ down-tempo music plays ]
♪ these memories ♪
Whoa.
♪ leave some sad dreams ♪
♪ life is stupid ♪
♪ do whatever ♪
♪ you could die or live forever ♪
♪ what to do now? ♪
♪ we just don't [bleep] know ♪
♪ 'cause that's all we had planned ♪
♪ for the show ♪
[ explosion ]
All right. I'm out.
Woman: We've been married 25 years.
Announcer: If you're a fan of "the eric andre show,"
Then you're gonna fall in love with eric's new show,
"the pageant."
But don't take our word for it.
See what these real people have to say about "the pageant."
Hosted by eric andre.
♪ the pageant ♪
♪ who will be? ♪
♪ this is me ♪
♪ from the pageant ♪
Announcer: Get ready for the broadway sensation,
"the pageant."
♪ will she be rich or poor ♪
♪ or middle class? ♪
Yay!
♪ the pageant is in america ♪
Let's give it up for uday and qusay hussein, huh?
They did not die in vain.
♪ have you ever imagined such a pageant before? ♪
I get to legally marry one of these women tonight.
Welcome to the landmark center.
Can we have a moment of silence
For all of the contestants who passed away last year?
[ audience murmuring ]
♪ the pageant is here to stay ♪
♪ a pageant is there ♪
♪ merry christmas to all of you in sight ♪
Everyone can compete in a pageant.
[ whip cracks ] announcer: There's something for everyone
When you're watching "the pageant."
Man: What did you think of "the pageant"?
What pageant? It was a -- it was a freak show.
Complete rubbish. Rubbish! That's what this is is rubbish!
Man: Yeah!
Man: Oh, come on, man.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
Man: Hey, what the [bleep] is this shit, man?!
My least favorite was to see a fat guy in underwear.
I don't usually see guys in their underwear like that.
I don't hang out at the gym.
It definitely didn't exceed my expectations.
I didn't want to see that at all.
[ indistinct shouting ]
[ audience murmuring ]
[ feedback squealing ]
Eric: Hey, I'm sorry about that, guys.
We have tacos. We have a taco sponsorship.
Benadryl tacos and kava.
Kava is, like, a natural drink
With, like, uh, anti-anxiety properties...
Kind of thing. Man: This smell like ass.
I'm sorry about everything. Take a beat. Eat, relax.
We have a special guest -- the irish singing tree.
Let's give it up for the irish singing tree.
[ wheels squeaking, flute plays ]
♪ oh, luck of the irish, I tell ye ♪
♪ I am the irish singing tree ♪
Sing along with me now! ♪ oh, yeah ♪
Announcer: Get ready for the show you won't stop talking about.
My least favorite part was the crackheads
That came out naked with their vagina and their dick out.
I'm so glad I'm going to church tomorrow.
The pageant was gross.
Very disturbing. Very disturbing.
Kind of appalling.
I didn't like anything about it.
I didn't want to see any nude
Or any fighting or anything like that.
Man: Ain't nothing but deviants.
I just want to drink right now and read the bible
And then that's it.
Man, I'm not really down
With some of the sick-ass shit y'all doing, but I'm here.
This is some sodom-and-gomorrah, dick-in-the-booty-ass shit.
I know y'all a bunch of freaks,
And I'm waiting for this shit to be over.
Announcer: "the pageant."