♪ MTV ♪
RuPaul: Previously onAll Stars...
for this week's maxi-challenge,
we are throwing the Realness of Fortune Ball.
[cheers and applause]
You know who's not excited about doing a ball?
Tch. Watch out, 'cause this is my one weakness, y'all.
[all laugh]
Jaida Essence Hall.
It's really gorgeous.
Trinity the Tuck.
-You know how to do you so well. -[laughs]
The top two All Stars of the week are...
-Trinity the Tuck... -Oh!
and Jaida Essence Hall. Con-drag-ulations.
You've each earned a legendary Legend Star.
This is your chance to win $10,000
and block one of your fellow queens.
Jaida Essence Hall, you're a winner, baby.
[cheers and applause]
With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh.
[all laugh] Oh, Jinkxy.
I deserve this.
Hi-ee!
All hail Jaida.
[applause]
What a day!
I won the ball challenge.
Knocked it out of the park,
and turnt the lipstick out,
proving once again that I'm not only pretty, baby.
I like to kick ass, too.
Ha! Ha!
Tea. [laughs]
-Congratulations. -Yeah, girl.
[cheering]
$10,000 richer, bitch.
Yes!
Well done, queen.
It feels really good to get that, like, vindication
that, like, well, you're that girl.
Is that the right word?
-Validation, -Validation.
Vali--valedictorian?
[all laugh]
Validation.
What the fuck is vindication?
Like going back to revenge.
Motherfucker.
[all laugh]
Trinity, you've been top two twice.
How does it feel to, like, have one star
in a place where you could have had two?
I mean, I'm just so glad I finally got one star.
And you're one step closer to getting the $200,000.
I finally got my legendary Legend Star,
although I could have had two.
Thank you, Shea.
Oh...
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
Wellity, wellity, wellity.
[all laugh]
Well, hello, Jaida.
Should we have a little chat? [snaps fan open]
[all laugh]
Welcome to the plunger circle.
All the way back from plunge-landia.
I felt like when you stood on the stage
and said, y'all just know
that this is my only weakness in the competition,
at that moment I said, this bitch is right, so...
[all chuckle]
I love you.
Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.
I'm not going to hold it against you,
unless I win next week.
[all laugh]
Because there's no chance
of me being the first one with two stars.
But I will say
it is nice to finally know the secret of the plunger.
'Cause I hate being left out of a secret.
-What is it? -Share it.
-What's the secret? -Yeah.
It's a plunger secret.
You have to hold the plunger up to your ear,
but it only speaks to the one it was handed to.
[all laugh]
As Ru says, all will be revealed.
Shut up.
[all laugh]
Well, whatever the challenge is next week,
I will be going in guns blazing.
I'm looking around and there's many a queen
with a star now, and I'm not one of them.
And to get to this point in the competition
and not have a star
kind of is a kick in the goolies,
if you know what I'm saying.
Oh.
Shit is gonna hit the fan very, very soon.
I would like to have something shiny on my chest
-before it does. -Me, too.
I would do anything to get this star,
as long as it wasn't illegal.
[laughs]
Fuck it.
Not winning is so out of my character.
I know how shitty and bougie that sounds,
but it's just not.
I want a legendary Legend Star.
[cries]
It's all fun and games
until someone loses an eye.
-Yes. -[laughs]
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
RuPaul: The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars
receives a one-year supply
of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics,
a cash prize of $200,000,
and will be crowned queen of all queens.
With our extra-special guest judge
Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
♪ May the best drag queen win ♪
♪ Best drag queen win ♪
-[laughs] -Okay.
Good morning, darling.
♪ Bing, bang, bong ♪
♪ Sing, sang, song ♪
♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪
♪ UK, hun? ♪
♪ Bing, bang, bong ♪
♪ Sing, sang, song ♪
♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪
♪ UK, hun? ♪
[cheering]
It's a new day.
New opportunities on the horizon.
There are five stars in a room of eight drag queens,
and guess who's blocked in the house?
Shit!
[laughs]
Jinkx, how does that feel to be part of the plunger circle?
I think we need a better name than that, plunger circle.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Everybody who has got a star has been blocked
-but this bitch. -Uh-huh.
Girl! No, no, Jaida.
No.
Jaida, why are you trying to start up with me?
I'm just thinking out loud. [all laugh]
There's five stars
and two that have not been blocked.
Well, I just got my star.
Give it time. Shit.
Let me enjoy it.
Pot, meet the kettle, okay?
[alarm] RuPaul: Ooh, girl.
She done already done had herses.
My All Stars,
there once were eight queens, none beginners,
who established themselves all as winners.
Then one day a witch said are you cinched, bitch?
Then she vanished like the boobs that were in her.
[all laugh]
Is that a limerick? Was that a limerick?
So you didn't know what validation means.
[laughs]
But was that a limerick?
-I think it was a limerick. -It was a limerick.
-Aah! -Yes.
It must be the star, bitch.
[all laugh]
Hello, hello, hello.
-Whoa! -What?
I feel so short.
[all chuckle]
My queens, you know, as queer people,
we learn at an early age
that the stories we're told aren't always true,
and we spend the rest of our lives
trying to set the record straight,
or at least straight-acting.
[all laugh]
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to improv your way
through the enchanted TV court show
Fairytale Justice.
-Oh, no. -Oh, my God.
Yes, with Judge Michelle Visage presiding.
Spoiler alert.
I hear she could be a real witch.
[all laugh]
#AllStars7.
Now, working in two teams,
you'll transform into storybook characters
to relitigate infamous fairytale
miscarriages of justice.
Now, Jaida and Trinity,
you were last week's top two All Stars,
so you are captains,
and you'll choose your teams.
Jaida, who do you pick first?
I plunged the bitch, but I'm gonna have to say Jinkx
for the very same reason I plunged her.
All right, Trinity.
Shea-dy Couleé-dy.
Hey.
Motherfucking Monét.
Can I get a spot of tea?
The Viv.
Fuck.
That leaves Raja and Yvie.
Yvie.
Whatever.
Raja, you are on Team Trinity.
And I'm so excited that you're with us, bitch.
[RuPaul laughs]
What a bunch of bitches, though.
God.
Team Jaida, you'll be arguing the case
Blow The House Down Boots.
[all laugh]
It's a sordid tale of the three little pig sisters
and the big bad wolf.
[Jinkx laughs]
And Team Trinity,
you'll be arguing the case
She Done Already Done Had Herses.
[laughs]
All about a queen named Goldilocks,
who has some serious boundary issues.
[all chuckle]
Yes, honey, it's a tale as old as time.
And, ladies, for your day in court,
feel free to treat your tresses with products by Mane Club.
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best legend win.
[cheers and applause]
Well, this sounds fun.
I am so excited.
Okay, let's look in this notebook.
-Let's see. -Okay.
This week's maxi-challenge is Fairytale Justice,
and we're gonna be going to court
over the three pigs
versus the big bad wolf.
Hopefully we can improv our way
to a happily ever after.
[laughs]
Well, this is a cute team.
Our team has three people who have Legendary Stars.
And one future star holder.
[all laugh]
Okay, now, defendant is the Big Bad Wolf.
The Big Bad Wolf is sexy, slick, charming, a player.
I kind of wanna play in the big bad sexy wolf.
It was, like, very close to the Boogieman, which they loved.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm kind of, like, split
between playing him
more like an extension of the Boogieman character,
or like this, like...
Well, like that kind of guy.
Oh, yeah, like a gangster?
Like an old gangster.
Yeah, like an old 1940s mob man.
You see? Hey, baby,
you want the Big Bad Wolf to come over
and roll around in your pig pen?
[laughs]
[wheezes]
[laughs]
Pig sister Twigley.
She's built her house of twigs, which makes sense.
She's suing the wolf for destruction of property.
She's a famous fashion model.
I kind of do like Twigley. I'm like in my mind.
I'm, like, in my mind, I'm imagining, like,
she's more an Instagram model, she's famous.
She does not have time, so busy.
Surprise witness is pig sister Hamela.
She's called to back up the testimony
of the Big Bad Wolf.
Wait. She's backing up the Big Bad Wolf?
-Hamela is on my side. -I like Hamela.
I wanna come in, I wanna have, like, a briefcase.
Come in glasses. I gonna be, like, no.
Your honor, this is my man,
and these girls, they are lying.
Yeah.
I wanna play Spare Rib
as, like, a really vapid millennial
who's obsessed with her Instagram feed
and her TikTok followers.
Can you do, like, trailer trash?
Oh, well, yeah. I got trailer trash up inside me, too.
Yeah, like kind of like aloof and kind of stupid.
Like, perpetual baby.
"Yes and" to the max.
Just because I'm blocked
doesn't mean I can't still perform
to the best of mine abilities.
She's just your really dumb, bitchy, slutty, younger sister.
Gotcha.
I couldn't possibly do anything bad,
because I'm just a helpless little baby.
-Yeah. -Oh, this'll be so cute.
What do y'all think about the other team?
They've got some pretty strong actors
in their midst as well.
I mean, and then they've got the British one.
That's gotta be a nice little party trick to pull out
because she's British.
[all laugh]
And she's driven by the same Starlessness
that is powering me this week.
Grandma Hood is a fashion forward,
sexually active older lady.
Oh, my God. I'm Grandma Hood.
-It's you, it's you. -Yes.
Improv equals unpredictable,
and so this type of challenge
gives me somewhere between that balance
of like crazy, crazy anxiety,
and also excitement.
But I need to win a Star,
so I gotta put on my improv panties
and fucking kill it.
I'm kind of reading both Mama Bear or Goldilocks.
I'm feeling like Mama Bear
or even the witness, the witch Theresa.
Okay. I'm also feeling either Goldilocks or the witch.
I think the witch is great
because you have a very particular laugh
where you can really utilize it.
You can utilize it.
Okay, so then I'll do Mama Bear.
-Yes. -Uh-huh.
And you're Goldilocks.
We didn't get an improv challenge in the UK,
so I'm super excited to sink my teeth into this.
Goldie is a blonde showgirl with secrets.
She's a master manipulator,
who always seems to get her way.
I've got a really warped vision of Goldilocks.
Explain.
I just image her
as this really sweet little gorgeous girl
with, like, little pigtails.
and then this kind of thick, manly Scottish accent.
So Michelle's, like, well, where were you?
I don't fucking know, Michelle.
I mean, I'm just Goldilocks.
Goldilocks is a compulsive liar.
She's an identity thief, which is perfect for me
because I have many identities inside me.
That's...yeah.
[laughs]
Out of all of us, you have the most...
change, you have the most back story.
-You have the most going on. -Connection to everything,
And it's quite a big part,
but I love a big part.
What should we do next with the--
Talk about how you think the other girls are gonna do.
Well, I mean, there's some powerful forces over there.
Monét's gonna do a terrific job.
I think Jinkx and Monét are very powerful there.
I think we have to keep up, you know.
-I'm excited. -Me, too.
This is gonna be so good.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
RuPaul: Once Upon a time
in a faraway place,
justice was served
with a whole lot of face.
Order in my court!
The fables are real...
Sleeping Beauty face.
Dumb is forever.
The animals can talk...
You kiss your fairy godmother with that mouth?
And the bailiff is a bunny.
This isFairytale Justice.
This is the plaintiff.
She's suing the Big Bad Wolf for $25,000.
She claims he blew her hay house down,
which for her was the last straw.
This is the defendant.
He claims the plaintiff is grasping at straws
and is countersuing for defamation of character.
All rise for the fairest of them all,
Judge Michelle Visage.
Well, thank you, Officer Cottontail.
Fee, fie, fo, fum.
Order in the Fairytale Court.
Do you swear to tell the tea, the whole tea,
and nothing but the tea so help you, Mother Goose?
Yeah, I basically do, okay?
Mother Goose is all I got in this world.
You know what I'm saying, baby?
Plaintiff, state your name, please.
My name is Spare Rib:
@spare with a 3 for the E,
underscore rib...
-Okay. -6669...
on all my socials.
-Right. Defendant. -Yeah.
State your name.
I'm the Big Bad Wolf,
but where I come from, they call me BB.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
-[sighs] -What's your story, Spare Rib?
Okay, so basically I was rolling around in my own shit
like I do every night
when all of a sudden I hear this, like,
desperate howling outside my house.
And then it's that mangy asshole at my door.
Then I realized
this is the guy who slid into my DMs
asking for pictures of my hooves.
And he's screaming, let me in, let me in,
and I know he's not talking about my house.
He's trying to get in the pink, if you know what I mean.
And I have slept with many animals.
Like, I'll totally snort your carrot,
but I do not sleep with dogs, okay?
Okay, I didn't know he could do that,
and that might change things later,
but first we have to handle this situation.
We'll see.
Have you previously been acquainted with Miss Spare Rib?
I never met no piggy like this.
I'm Jewish. I can't even eat pork.
So Spare Rib, how did your house blow down again?
Well, he was swinging his massive--
I mean he was huffing and puffing,
and it's just, like, fell over.
Just like some pigs trying to blame the Big Bad Wolf.
You know, they always just trying to get a brother
in the dog pound, you know what I'm saying?
[wheezing] Awoo!
-[coughs] -Ooh.
He can't even howl right.
Spare Rib, what was your house made of?
It was made of straw.
Straw?
Yeah, it's really sustainable.
As in hay, girl, hay?
[whinnies]
I did not come here to be belittled.
That's my workspace,
because that's where I shoot my OnlyHams,
and I know what you're--
Yeah, it's drop the book shocking.
Plus, that's where I record my ASMR
of me eating slop, okay?
Lots of people pay for it. It's a thing.
Ooh.
BB, what do you say to that?
If I had were to pass a house in the woods
and I might have sneezed a little bit,
things come tumbling the way they go bumbling,
you know what I'm saying?
Spare Rib, right now it's your word
against the Big Bad Wolf.
I need evidence.
[scoffs] Well, fine.
Okay, so my sister,
like, had all of the same shit happen to her.
Are you gonna bring her out or what?
Twigley?
This is plaintiff number two.
She's suing the wolf for $50,000.
She claims he blew her house down
and left her nothing but a pile of twigs.
-State your name. -My name is Twigley
like that other model that people know,
except I have, like, a million more followers
and I'm way cuter. [laughs]
How are you involved in this case?
My house was destroyed by this shitty asshole over here.
-Language. -I apologize.
By this shitty fucking asshole over here.
What happened exactly?
I'm investing in beautiful new properties
in the most amazing area, Beverly Squeals.
Yes, I love Beverly Squeals.
One day I'm just at home, and my sister comes screaming,
losing her mind.
She tells me that her shitty little home is destroyed.
That's not an insult. It's made out of shit.
Anyway, there's this crazy wolf knocking on my door
who's obviously obsessed with me.
Now, normally I would have let him in
if he was a foxy kind of guy,
because I would fuck a fox.
Oh, baby, he's my cousin.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, your honorness,
I was just going over there
to try and work out some new tracks on my mixtape.
Speaking of which, you wanna buy a mixtape?
I think I'm good.
Anyway, so I obviously tell him
get the fuck off my doorstep and move along.
And guess what he fucking did? He blew it down.
-Twigley, your mouth. -It was terrible.
It's really hard to watch my mouth
with this tiny, tiny snout.
I've recently got a snout job.
I also do snout jobs on my website,
but you have to pay for that.
And those are not the same snout jobs I'm getting.
Oh, my God. Stop being such a little slut.
Shut up!
Order in the Fairytale Court!
-Wolfie? -Yeah, baby.
Do you have anyone
who could vouch for your character?
My girlfriend.
[both gasp]
This is the witness for the defendant.
She claims the plaintiff's stories aren't kosher.
State your name please.
Hello, Your Honor. My name is Hamela Anderson.
Did you bring evidence to corroborate his story?
[snort]
Is that a yes?
-[snort] -Okay.
Your honor, these lies are untrue.
I have known Squigley and Extra Ribs here my entire life.
Okay.
These two porksters, they're whorers, okay?
First off, she's a whore.
I am not.
Excuse me. I'm a sex worker,
and it's very different
and I think it's time we address that.
She is here promoting her OnlyHams,
but she's more like only hammered, okay?
Okay. Oh? Okay.
I have not drank since this morning I swear.
Hamela, how do you know these two pigs?
Your honor, they are my sisters.
Your honor, I don't trust these girls.
They're nasty.
What? They're your sisters.
They have slept with everyone.
They have slept with Bagheera, Shere Khan.
They've did stuff with everyone in this courtroom, your honor.
What is your relationship to the Big Bad Wolf?
Wolfredo over here, we've been together for two years.
Okay.
Oh, baby, you using my name.
You gonna embarrass me in front of everybody.
Would you consider your relationship monogamous?
-Oh, absolutely, your honor. -Oh, yeah, totally.
We only pork each other, yeah.
[laughs and snorts]
I happen to know that that is not true.
How do you know, Spare Ribs?
I have on occasion
had encounters with the Big Bad Wolf,
but I don't think it counts as sex
because he only puts it in my ass.
Baby, I would never hit that pig in a blanket.
-Twigley? -Yeah?
What about you? Have you ever had intimate relations
with the Big Bad Wolf?
I mean...
Twigley?
Yeah. Duh. [laughs]
-You porked her, too? -I can't help it.
I like me a little bit of a ham sandwich.
You know what I'm saying?
[laughs]
Hamela, you have been betrayed,
and your sisters need you.
Girl, I'm begging you.
-I'm begging. -We love you.
Basically we're sister-wives.
We could just be one big family.
-Oh! -Oh!
Oh, my God!
That was really uncalled for!
Don't you ever touch my--
-Oh! -Oh, my God?
You bitch.
-Oh! -Oh, God!
Ow! Ow!
You knocked my teeth out.
Oh, no!
This got anybody else's tail waggin'?
Order in the court! This is getting out of control.
Put your teeth back in.
I'm trying.
I know how we're all gonna live happily ever after.
How?
Here is my verdict.
This little piggy goes to market.
This little piggy stays home.
This little piggy can have some roast beef
with a side of horseradish.
Oh!
And you, Wolfie? You Big Bad Wolf.
I'll see you...
in my chambers.
[wheezing howl]
Case dismissed. No evidence.
Get outta here.
BB, can I listen to your mixtape?
Ooh, she's the baddest witch in all the land.
She can have me over any damn ham.
Ooh!
And the litigants are just leaving the courtroom.
Hello, three pig sisters.
Well, you were unsuccessful in this courtroom.
What do you think you could have done
to make this case go better?
Win! But you know what they say.
Fake it until you make it.
And I'm really trying to be--
Right!
What's happening?
The stress, it's really getting to me.
Your ear falling off--
I'm sorry. You're going to have to speak up.
I can only hear you half as well,
Yeah, yeah. Any regrets?
I mean, it is what it is. [laughs]
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, thank you, ladies.
Thank you very much.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Welcome back to Fairytale Justice.
-The princes are charming... -[ribbit]
the stepmothers are evil,
and the judge is a total witch.
[thunder]
This is the plaintiff.
She claims the defendant broke into her home,
ate her food, and damaged her property.
She's suing for $57
plus $3 million for pain and suffering.
This is the defendant.
She claims that this is a big misunderstanding.
She didn't mean to cause any harm.
Plaintiff, state your name.
Halle Beary.
State your case, please.
When my husband and I left Bearback Mountain
in search of a better life,
I never imagined
that I would be subjected to such grisly crimes
as the ones committed by this...woman?
I was doing my normal daily task
of making porridge for my lovely family,
and I went out on a walk to go and let it cool off.
I came back to find my front door kicked down,
my porridge eaten...
-Oh! -And the custom baby bear chair
-from Bearneys destroyed. -Fancy.
And then I find this little girl
asleep in my child's bed.
Imagine!
And, look, we're in a fancy new neighborhood
and I know that as a Black bear,
I cannot call animal control.
So I woke her and I asked her:
What the hell are you doing in my house?
Defendant, please state your name.
[Scottish accent] My name is Goldilocks.
Mates call me Goldie,
and I haven't got a clue what she's talking about.
[laughs]
-Goldie? -Aye?
You have no idea what she's talking about?
Well, listen, I'd finished my gig
behind a tree in the Forbidden Forest.
Okay.
They underpaid,
so the only option was a BearBnB.
I got to that BearBnB,
and let me tell you, it was a dump,
an absolute dump.
And let's blame the Scottish person
for eating the porridge.
I suppose you think I've got a ginger fanny as well.
I'm looking at your fanny, and it's flat.
When I asked her
why she broke my baby bear chair from Bearneys--
And all this Bearneys. She couldn't afford Bearneys.
It was from IKEA.
[gasps]
No.
I need more evidence, Mama Bear.
Oh.
Aye.
What? Just because she has opposable thumbs?
Leave my thumbs out of this.
Do you have anyone who could corroborate your story?
I may know someone.
Bring in the witness.
This is plaintiff number two.
She claims Goldie isn't who she seems
and has a reputation for telling lies.
State your name please.
Gwendolyn Constance Periwinkle Hood.
I live in the Shady Pines Convalescent Care
just over the river and through the woods.
-Right. -I know that one.
I also have a boyfriend.
Yes, his name is Geppetto.
-Ooh. -Yes.
-Frisky. -[laughs]
Aow.
And how are you involved in this case?
This young lady here is my granddaughter,
and her name is not actually Goldie.
Her name is Little Red.
[German accent] I know nothing
of what this lady is talking about.
My name is Helga and I'm from Germany
and I just like to eat strudel.
You're from Glendale.
We do not have Glendale in Germany.
-Hmm. -Didn't that werewolf eat you?
Oh, yes, she's actually told people
that I was eaten by the wolf.
-Really? -Yes.
But the truth is that she was actually
being eaten herself by the wolf.
You know what I mean by eating?
Oh, dear.
Oh, in fact, there he is. Oh, hello.
That's the wolf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The last time I saw that wolf,
he was howling in her pussy.
Oh!
I'm just back here chilling
with my little piece of pussy
and my piece of ass.
[brays]
It's funny because it's a donkey sat next to him.
Goldie, or should I call you Little Red or Helga?
Is what your grandmother's saying true?
This is not my grandmother, and she has no house.
She's homeless, so this story has many holes.
Like German cheese, many holes.
That's Swiss cheese.
She even lies about cheese.
Grandma Hood.
-What? -Do you have-- [coughs]
Do you have any evidence?
May I call up another witness?
Yes, you may.
Let's bring in the next witness.
This is a surprise witness.
She may have information
of spellbinding relevance to the case.
The brew thickens.
Hey, girl! Witch Theresa!
Which Theresa? There's only one Theresa.
-You Theresa. -Yes, me Theresa.
How you doing, girl?
I'm great. Good to see ya.
I love your hairstyle. Love the dress.
Me, too. Did you get yours at The Spotted Cauldron?
-It was a discount. -Oh, well, it's gorgeous.
You sound like Cher, Witch Theresa.
[imitating Cher] Whoa.
[laughs]
Tell us what your involvement is in this crazy case.
I live in the nicest gingerbread house
on the other side of the forest.
I was out trying to cure a case of the warts.
Oh.
And when I returned, half my porch had been eaten.
Michelle, you remember my porch.
Is the swing still there?
-It's gone! -Oh, my goodness! Theresa.
I know, and I don't know another lesbian witch
to fix it.
-Oh, I got a few. Don't worry. -Okay, good.
I can send them your way.
I continue into my house.
I'm frantic.
And I find this...
this in my bed with a man.
They said they were Hansel and Gretel,
brother and sister.
The things that they were doing
no sibling would do.
-Oh! -Not in my house.
This is not Mississippi.
Okay, listen.
Blondie, I don't even know what your name is at this point.
Explain yourself.
[German accent] So Gretel sounds like she is also
from one of these countries that has an accent like this,
so I'm going to stick with this.
And I have proof that I am really Gretel.
Watch.
They are bread crumbs.
Why are you throwing crumbs on the courtroom floor?
Because I'm Hansel and Gretel. It's true to my character.
I am Hansel and Gretel.
-You're both? -I am both.
[chuckles]
You are in trouble, missy.
You don't know what that swing meant.
So you're both swingers?
We were until you ate it.
Our swinging days are over because of you.
It was a tasty swing.
That's what she said when she ate my porridge, too.
Your porridge sucked, woman.
-Excuse me? -Blondie.
Clearly you have a psychological problem
and a history of breaking and entering.
And eating.
[American accent] All right, listen.
Oh.
I'm from Glendale.
I told you.
Glendale.
I grew up with a wicked stepmother,
and she ran away with the baker.
And that's why I got addicted to carbs
and started leaving bread crumbs everywhere,
and I kept getting lost on the way home
because I couldn't stop eating them.
[cries]
I'm sorry.
-Are you? -No.
I could sentence you to community service.
You could spend the next six months
helping all the king's horses and all the king's men
put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
-That sounds like fun. -That's not fun.
But I am looking for a happy ending.
Ladies, can you find it in your heart
to help this girl turn her life around?
-Uh... -Uh...
Well...
How about we hug it out?
Cottontail. Officer Cottontail, big hug.
-I'm so sorry. -Fluffy, come on, honey.
-Group hug. -Go on, everybody.
-Hey. -Yeah.
There we go.
I love harmony in my courtroom.
Oh, this little baby carrot.
Yes, all I need is some ranch.
Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where did she go?
-Oh! -What?
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
She--oh!
Follow the bread crumbs, your honor.
Hickory dickory dock, court is adjourned.
Hey, Wolfie, where'd you go?
-Wolfie? -Oh, wrong way.
Awoo! Awoo!
Wolfie?
Well, well, well.
It looks like the defendants have snuck out.
Goldilocks, have you learned your lesson?
-Fuck, no. -No.
Wolf, are you done with blowing down houses?
I'm done with blowing down houses,
but I'm just starting blowing backs out.
[laughs]
[wheezing howl]
I love your ears. Those are sweet.
Thank you. Thank you.
Come on, baby. Let's go hump the pillows.
Well, it looks like the litigants
are just now arriving in the courtroom lobby.
Do you mind if I say hi to some people?
No, I don't mind it all.
Hi, dears. Look at me.
I'm on TV.
-Hi, Mom! -Yeah.
So, now, you three
really didn't know each other before this case.
Will the friendship continue?
Nothing brings you together
like getting robbed by a little girl.
Yes, that's right. Yeah.
I can make some coffee.
Let's go eat the rest of my porch.
-Oh, yeah. -[laughs]
That's right, that's right.
Remember, if you break the law, hi-ho, hi-ho,
it's off to Fairytale Court you go.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Guten tag, ja!
[laughs] Yes!
Today we receive the verdict from the judges
on our Fairytale Justice performances.
All rise.
So now that we have, like, slept on it,
how do you all feel how we did yesterday?
I think we did great.
-I would agree. -I feel really good.
I feel like we achieved such good balance as a team
and, like, worked as a team.
Yeah, but you know, in my mind, you really stood out
out of all of us.
Out of everybody.
How in the name of heaven, hell and purgatory in between
did you come up with all of those fucking accents?
It was brilliant.
There was accents coming out that I hadn't even planned.
That was the great thing
about having a compulsive liar as a character,
because even if I was, like, where are we at the story,
I'll just make something up.
I think you played it too well.
[all laugh] I'm concerned.
I was just so upset
because I worked so hard to lose this weight
and I ate three Danish pastries.
[all laugh]
I think I did a very, very good job,
so this is hopefully the week
that I finally get a Star.
But everyone is so, so good,
which is so, so annoying.
This is literally-- Do you know, this is so weird,
but this is like, kind of like,
an energy booster for me.
-What is that? -Tajín.
Tajín shots.
A what shot?
-Tajín. -Tajín. Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna do one with you at the same time, bitch.
Watch, and you'll see, like, the little sourness
will give you, like, a kind of a pickup.
-And you feel right. -And it gives you energy?
Well, I mean, it's salty, spicy, tangy.
It, like, slaps your mouth awake.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
You gotta let it go all over the tongue.
I know. I see what you mean.
-And it's legal. -And it's legal.
You can't get pulled over for that.
[laughs]
Watching everybody perform yesterday,
it felt so good to be around such professionals.
What, when you were on our team?
[all laugh]
Now shut up.
Can I hear your old lady voice again, Raja?
I think it went something like this.
[all laugh]
Was it like this?
Now do your old lady voice.
[all laugh]
I hate all of you.
Next time we do something like this,
I'm not playing an old lady.
And I'm not playing a sexy man.
And next time we do something like this, I'm gonna be funny.
[laughs]
[both speaking gibberish]
I love your guys' little language.
-It's our own. -Our own language.
We're gonna sell the Raja to Monét dictionary at DragCon.
[laughs]
And I'll do the Monét to Raja thesaurus.
The Dinosaurus thesaurus?
[all laugh]
Jaida, what are you doing to yourself?
I know this looks absolutely crazy.
That is rad.
Jaida is gonna get canceled for white blackface.
[laughs]
Do y'all practice any of your mugs before you come here?
Or are you just, like, I'll just do it when I get there?
I practiced half of this,
and I think I should have done the full thing,
but that's okay.
Imagine I go out on the runway like this.
I say but the thing about it is
is that there's just really never enough time back there.
[all laugh]
Okay, now it's time to deliberate
on who's getting blocked.
-Bitch. -[laughs]
We tend to block the person who blocked the week before.
Yes. As the person who gave the first block out,
I was the next person to receive a block
with Jinkx giving one out to me,
and then Jinkx gets blocked the following week.
At least that's the pattern we've made so far.
So let's see if it continues.
Now, that got a little personal.
-[laughs] -That got a little personal.
This is the tea, y'all.
So far, the person who had the power to block
has been blocked the week after they blocked somebody.
So this week, if I don't win
and if the pattern continues,
I will be blocked, and I'm, like, okay, bitch.
Now I was getting a little-- now you getting too cute.
Too close for comfort.
This is absolutely stupid.
[all laugh]
[RuPaul laughs]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪
And what?
Welcome to the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, All Winners.
She brings it to you every ball.
It's Michelle Visage.
Yes, but these days
I'm home in bed way before midnight.
[all laugh]
And the hilarious Ross Mathews.
Now, Ross, what's your favorite fairy tale?
Guess.
[all laugh]
22 inches.
[laughs]
It gets stuck in my lip gloss though, Ru.
[laughs]
And he's a prince among menses.
Welcome back Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman.
Hey, pumpkin.
God, I missed this!
[all laugh]
This week we challenged our queens
to make believe on Fairytale Justice.
And tonight, category is Spikes On The Runway.
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best legend win.
RuPaul: Up first, Jaida Essence Hall.
Ooh.
Miss Spiky.
Michelle: The return of North Beach Leather.
Ross: You wanna take a seat? No. Oh, you'll just stand.
Jaida: I am giving you
a very beautiful, sickening Grace Jones-esque vibe,
and you know that she had to throw some baby hairs
all down the face
'cause that's just the way she rocks, mama.
Michelle: Spikes on bikes.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Up next, Jinkx Monsoon.
Michelle: Girl, your porcupine is on fire.
She could pork my pine any time.
Jinkx: I am Norma Desmond meets Cruella de Vil
playing the evil countess
who made a dress out of porcupines.
[laughs]
RuPaul: You're quilling me, Larry.
[laughs]
RuPaul: Monét X Change.
Well, that's one way to not use a lip liner.
Michelle: She'd like to keep it on, please.
[all laugh]
Monét: This is very punk.
I have two suits stoned together.
I'm giving you Westwood meets the hood.
She's dangerous also,
because these spikes are real and they're sharp.
Ross: She's got a business meeting,
and the market is spiking.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Yvie Oddly.
Jeffrey: Careful. I think she bites.
Ross: Hope so.
RuPaul: She's off to see the lizard.
[all laugh]
Yvie: I am serving you scorpion, alien,
spike reptile/humanoid.
You're seeing Yvie at her finest
and at her tallest point here.
Michelle: Back horns?
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Trinity the Tuck.
Michelle: God hates fangs.
[all laugh]
Now, is she a crypt or a blood?
Trinity: I am a vampiric bitch,
and everybody knows vampires do not age.
Girl, I love to be impaled,
so why not have a spike through my heart?
[imitating vampire] I want to suck your cock.
[all laugh] Ru!
RuPaul: The Vivienne.
Ross: Vivienne, can you just put a pin in this?
RuPaul: The time has come for you to whip sync for your life.
[all laugh]
Vivienne: This is giving Cyber Catwoman,
Vivienne Westwood.
I feel so powerful.
It's cutting me minge in two,
and I feel fabulous.
Jeffrey: You spike me, you really spike me.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: ♪ Raja ♪
Well, that's the most gorgeous chastity belt
I've ever seen.
Michelle: My mama said
never leave home without your mace.
[all laugh]
Raja: I was a kid who loved movies that have fantasy,
a little bit of science fiction.
I have my medieval weapon.
I am set for battle.
I am ready for the war.
Jeffrey: I didn't know Flash Gordon
could get any gayer.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Up next, Shea Couleé.
Michelle: That reminds me.
I gotta get some medicine for my crabs.
Horseshoe crabs, I mean.
[all laugh]
Shea: Miss Couleé is giving you
super galactic fairy touchdown on Earth.
I got this tight hobble skirt silhouette,
and, baby, is she hobbling.
Ross: That's one small step for drag-kind.
RuPaul: Yes.
[all laugh]
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Welcome, ladykins.
Now it's time for the judges' critiques,
starting with Jaida Essence Hall.
I had so much fun doing this challenge with y'all.
Jaida, you came in, you were so much fun.
You looked so beautiful.
I thought you did a really good job at improv-ing.
Thank you.
I have to say
I've never been more into pig play
than seeing you in that nose.
-I'm, like, hello. -[laughs and snorts]
-Well done. -Thank you so much.
This look tonight is everything to me.
It's Yves Saint Laurent nineties vintage perfection.
And that spiked afro, I just wanna take it off
and plop it on my head right now.
The black makeup, it's just so stunning.
-It's so gorgeous. -Thank you.
Can I see to the side?
Oh, those are so gorgeous.
They're actually upside down.
Hey, Diana Ross,
are you ready for the song you made number one for me?
[all laugh]
Up next, it's Jinkx Monsoon.
You are incredible when it comes to improv.
Like, it is a skill that not a lot of people have,
and you got it down, girl.
You two together were spectacular.
You know when you see someone
doing something they're so good at,
and it's just the rest of the world fades away?
That's what happened.
You just came so armed and ready to ham it up.
[all laugh]
I did not come here to be belittled.
I just loved every second of watching you in this challenge.
-Really good week for you. -Thank you.
You know, when I heard the runway was spikes,
I was like how the hell
is Jinkx gonna do a spiked runway?
But you got spikes up on your back.
You're a very chic, very ladylike porcupine,
and I just think it's fun
because it's who you are,
and you're staying true to that.
Up next, Monét X Change.
Whew.
Oh, there you are.
[laughs]
You know what you can do so well?
Make an entrance.
You just--you gotta sell it on the get-go,
and then we bought it.
I just thought you were so fantastic.
You had an intention.
You knew what your point of view was.
You kicked ass. You did a great job.
Thank you, Michelle.
I am living for this look.
I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Canada
with no Black folk around me.
But all my best friends
were these crazy punk rock queens.
And I always wanted a mohawk,
and seeing you, a Black girl with this mohawk,
if it's meaning this much to me,
it's, like, giving life to all the young Black children
out there in the world right now.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
Up next, Yvie Oddly.
Look how statuesque you are.
How are you upright right now?
I don't understand this.
This is so exciting.
It looks so fantastic.
Your body, how you've accentuated
that tiny waist, those long legs.
It's brilliant.
Yvie, you had a tough role
because you were the Big Bad Wolf,
and you were there the whole time.
But I loved how into it you got.
Anything that was thrown at you,
you took it and you ran with it.
At one point you kicked your leg up on the podium
and scratched your ear and your leg was--
Those were just sort of next-level things
that you do that make a character fully formed.
Thank you.
I almost wish I wasn't as attracted
to your Big Bad Wolf as I was,
but what are you gonna do?
-Blow your house down? -Oof, girl.
-I am here for it. -[laughs]
Up next, it's Trinity the Tuck.
-Hey, girl. -Hey, girl.
This look is just so fantastic.
If someone told me category is Spikes,
I don't think I'd be smart enough
to do something like this.
Your interpretation is probably my favorite.
Thank you.
Okay, let's talk about you in the challenge.
-You are having a blast. -Yeah.
I continue into my house.
I'm frantic.
And we are having so much fun watching you.
Thank you.
It's just so much fun
to watch you and your ridiculousness
and your stupidity,
I don't even remember the girl from the audition tape
from all those years ago.
I don't remember her.
I didn't know she could do all this,
and I definitely don't recognize her nose.
[laughs] Don't make me laugh.
I'm gonna tip over.
[all laugh]
Thank you.
Up next, it's Shea Couleé.
-Greetings, Earthlings. -Got your ears on.
I have no idea what it is
that you were meant to be in this outfit,
but I don't care because you look fabulous, girl.
It's ridiculous, it's crazy, it's out there.
It fit right in with the rest of these freaks.
[all laugh]
This part of Mama Bear is a really tough part,
because you're playing a Karen.
You're uptight, and that can be risky.
[gasps]
But you were consistently funny with it,
and I think you did really well.
Thank you, Ross.
All right, up next, The Vivienne.
You can't give hugs with nuclear arms.
I give a great fist, though.
[all laugh]
This look tonight,
it might just be one of my favorite looks
to ever grace the main stage of this show.
It's magnificent.
Iconic, and, you know,
we've seen a lot of outfits over the years.
This is going to be one of them
that will live forever and ever and ever.
The Vivienne, you should have done something
with your character.
She was so boring.
[all laugh]
[German accent] My name is Helga
and I am from Germany
and I just like to eat strudel.
You were fully in your element
and it was another brilliant performance
and I loved watching it.
I mean, Meryl better watch her back
with all those accents
coming out your herpes-covered mouth, honey.
[all laugh] It was porridge.
Porridge. Right.
[all laugh]
How old were you when you realized
you knew how to emulate someone?
It's kind of how I navigated
not getting bullied through school,
because I was the funny kid and people would come up to me,
like, do that voice, do that voice.
And I'd just be, like, if you don't hit me, I will.
[all laugh]
-Thank you, Vivienne. -Thank you so much.
All right, up next, it's Raja.
Hi.
This outfit is...
I mean, it is my childhood fantasy come to life.
This will be a timeless fan favorite.
You know what I loved about you in the challenge?
Mm-hmm.
The characterization that you had
even in your body.
You were kind of hunched over like Sophia Petrillo.
You had that Grandma Hood body,
and that's what sold your character to me.
Bitch, you fucking went in on this character.
Everything about it was really fully realized,
and what's exciting about this
is that we're getting to witness the rebirth of Raja,
because all the people who knew you from back then,
they're all dead.
[all laugh]
Dead.
So it's like a brand-new Raja.
[all laugh]
Dang.
Thank you, ladies. I think we've heard enough.
While you enjoy a House of Love cocktail
in the werkroom,
the judges and I will deliberate.
You may leave the stage.
Vivienne: Danke schoen.
All right. Now, just between us squirrel friends,
what do you think?
Now, they're all so good,
but we're looking for a top two.
What are you gonna do? They're all so fabulous.
-Ross. -Here's the deal.
Jinkx had all the puns, all the jokes,
and all the character.
I don't know how you beat her
when it comes to an acting challenge.
The look tonight on the runway with Jinkx,
I love that this is how she sees spikes.
Oh, of course, an evening gown
with a porcupine on my back.
That's how she does it.
Jinkx takes every challenge and runs it through her filter,
and that is how you excel here.
She really knows how to do this,
and, boy, oh, boy, did I have fun with her
in that exit interview.
It's fun to play with her.
We were able to volley because she's so smart.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I thought Yvie Oddly held it down
in a really strong way.
She had answers for everything.
She had a character that she developed.
She was very sneaky, very sly,
so I thought she did a really strong job.
I was really proud of Yvie.
Tonight on the runway,
well, this is what I think of
when I think of Yvie Oddly.
This is elevated and her makeup, meticulous.
Those shoes were inhumane, but thank God she wore them,
because that was a moment on the runway.
Wowza.
She really looked fantastic.
Loved that outfit. That was really well done.
You wanna talk about a tough job,
The Vivienne, she showed us what she can do.
The Vivienne was Goldilocks, Little Red, Helga,
and Hansel, and that was amazing.
She is so skilled at all of those accents,
so skilled at the approach
for every single one of those characters,
and we believed it.
I thought that was a job really well done.
Between that performance
and this outfit on the main stage tonight,
iconic is the word.
Everything about it.
It's dangerous, but it's also pretty.
It's edgy, but it's fashion.
All of it is just spectacular.
I'd give her a high five, but I'm scared.
[all laugh]
-You'd be bleeding. -Yeah. All right. Now, Jeffrey,
who were you most passionate about this week?
Raja is an undeniable favorite.
I was so impressed with the acting challenge.
She just gave flavors and layers
that I had never seen of Raja before.
And the look tonight was sheer perfection.
It was She-Ra Princess of Power fantasy brought to life.
I loved it.
It was a great night for her,
and of course, that outfit, the way it sparkled.
The silhouette so unique, so otherworldly.
All right, silence.
I've made my decision.
Bring back my legends.
Welcome back, ladies.
Based on your performances in Fairytale Justice
and your spiked runway presentations,
I've made some decisions.
The top two All Stars of the week are...
Jinkx Monsoon...
and The Vivienne.
[applause]
I'm finally a top All Star this week.
Aah!
[laughs] I'm gonna mark my diary.
This was the day that I joined the club.
Vivienne, you earned a legendary Legend Star...
which puts you one step closer to our Grand Finale
Lip Sync Lalaparuza Smackdown for the crown.
Jinkx, you were blocked by Jaida last week...
Sorry.
So no Star for you, darling.
But you can still win $10,000
and the power to block one of your fellow competitors
from receiving a legendary Legend Star next week.
[whispers] Don't block me.
Ladies, the rest of you may take a seat.
-Are you sure? -Yes.
Okay, 'cause I'd stay up here.
[all laugh]
Two legends stand before me.
Ladies, this is your chance to impress me,
win $10,000, and earn the power
to block one of your fellow queens
from receiving a legendary Legend Star next week.
The time has come... [thunder]
for you to lip sync...
[echoing] for your legacy!
Good luck and don't fuck it up.
[music plays]
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Love is gonna save the day ♪
♪ Sometimes love can make you crazy ♪
♪ It can really put your body to the test ♪
♪ You try so hard to make sure ♪
♪ Everything is right ♪
♪ And you find you've only wound up with a mess ♪
[Yvie laughs]
♪ Love will always play the greater part ♪
[cheering]
♪ When your battles wear you down ♪
♪ Here's my advice ♪
♪ When you're feeling down and out ♪
♪ And you've got troubles on your mind ♪
♪ Love will save the day ♪
♪ When your world's falling apart ♪
♪ All you have to do is say a prayer ♪
♪ And love will save the day ♪
♪ Love will save the day ♪
[Yvie laughs]
♪ Love will always play the greater part ♪
♪ Greater part ♪
♪ When your battles wear your down ♪
♪ Here's my advice ♪
♪ When you're feeling down and out ♪
♪ And you've got troubles on your mind ♪
♪ Love will save the day ♪
[cheers and applause]
Ladies, I've made my decision.
The Vivienne.
Con-drag-ulations. You're a winner, baby.
[cheers and applause]
You've won a cash tip of $10,000.
Jinkx Monsoon, you are free to slay another day.
You may step to the back of the stage.
[applause]
Well done, Jinkxy.
Queens, please join The Vivienne on the main stage.
The Vivienne, with great power comes great responsibility.
Using the platinum plunger...
Who's ready for me to pull the plunge?
[all laugh]
Show us which queen you've chosen to block.
I feel the power of the plunger,
and it feels absolutely amazing.
I am ready as I will ever be
to block somebody.
[evil laugh]
[all chuckle]
Do you want 200 grand or do you want a friend?
[laughs]
You can buy friends.
Oh.
[all laugh]
Monét X Change has had that legendary Legend Star
sat on her tit for three weeks,
and not one person's blocked her.
So take the plunger and sit down.
[laughs]
I object.
[all laugh]
You can object all you want, love, it's yours.
Game on.
Monét, next week you can compete and even win,
but The Vivienne has blocked you
from earning a legendary Legend Star.
Next week was a hot dog eating contest, right?
[all laugh]
Con-drag-ulations, ladies.
And remember, if you cannot love yourself...
[laughs]
How in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Can I get an "amen" over here?
-Amen! -Amen!
All right. Now let the music play.
[music plays]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
[laughs]
♪ Cover girl ♪
RuPaul: Next time onAll Stars...
I was thinking of blocking someone else.
[laughs]
Duly noted, The Vivienne.
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to write and deliver
an uplifting commencement speech.
Does that mean I'm finally gonna get a degree?
I'm gonna make sure Vivienne has her work cut out for her.
What are you two shady bitches talking about over there?
[laughs]
I'm so geeked by this fucking twist.
Ooh, I'm gonna get her.
Ooh, it's gonna taste so good.
[smacks lips]
I do put the ass in tassel.
This is as good as it's ever going to fucking get.
[all laugh]
Because we're all gonna die.
[all laugh]
Aah!
[applause]
[all laugh]
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪