♪ MTV ♪
RuPaul: Previously onAll Stars...
Everybody who has got a star
has been blocked but this bitch.
No, Jaida, no.
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to improv your way
through the enchanted TV court show Fairytale Justice.
[all laugh]
[German accent] My name is Helga
and I am from Germany and I just like to eat strudel.
I do not sleep with dogs, okay?
I didn't know he could do that.
You know when you see someone doing something
that they're so good at
and just the rest of the world fades away?
That's what happened.
Meryl better watch her back
with all those accents coming out your mouth, honey.
[all laugh]
The top two All Stars of the week are
Jinkx Monsoon and The Vivienne.
Jinkx, you were blocked by Jaida last week,
so no star for you, darling.
Sorry!
This is your chance to win $10,000
and block one of your fellow queens.
The Vivienne, con-drag-ulations. You're a winner, baby.
[cheers and applause]
With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh!
Yes, yes.
The Vivienne. [applause]
Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv.
To win a challenge and a lip sync in America
on the main stage of RuPaul's Drag Racefeels so gorg.
I feel like I've finally arrived in the legendary Legends club,
and I didn't have to suck anyone's dick to get in it.
Congrats, Viv, on your first star.
-Grats! -Yes, congrats!
-Thank you. -Congrats, Viv.
Thank you.
But also congrats to you, Jinkx, on your second win.
Thanks.
Even though you don't have anything to show for it.
-I know. -Now you know how it feels.
If a queen wins a challenge and has nothing to show for it,
did she really win the challenge?
♪ I want to apologize ♪
♪ This would have been your second star ♪
It's all right. But no one has two stars yet.
Yeah.
But there are two people without a star.
I know!
For fuck's sake.
I want a star.
For fuck's sake. [laughs]
I came here to win something.
This competition is very tough.
Each of us really set the bar for the seasons that we were in.
We were the coolest girl in the competition then.
But now here you are with all the other cool chicks.
Salty.
She mad.
Uh-oh.
Girl, you got tissue stuck to your shoe.
Apparently I'm just a shitty queen.
[all laugh]
I cannot believe
that this trifling little hooker blocked me.
Hi, Vivienne.
I'm so hurt.
I'm gonna get her.
Ooh, I'm gonna get her.
Ooh, it's gonna taste so good.
[smacks lips] Mmm.
I'm gonna get her.
You were the next option, in fairness,
with a win but not a block, so--
Well, not the only one.
[laughs] You shady bitch!
[laughs]
How does it feel, Monét,
to join the Platinum Plunger sisterhood?
Um... [tongue pop]
Did you learn anything?
Is there an advantage?
[laughs] Monét is finally blocked,
so she now knows
that I completely made up
the secret of the Platinum Plunger
to mess with these girls.
So I'm looking at Monét like let's try and keep this going.
I will say with more information,
you play the game smarter.
-Fuck. -[laughs]
Game on.
Can somebody just plunge me?
I mean, you don't communicate telepathically
with your girlfriends?
Since we're sharing and being honest,
I was thinking of blocking someone else.
However, that person was not up for a block.
-[gasps] -Oh!
Oh, you were gonna double block me.
I've got my eyes on the prize,
and you are one of the most talented queens here.
That's very fair. Thank you for being honest.
Duly noted, The Vivienne.
Let's get up out of this.
-Yes! -Yes, mama.
Bye.
I don't hold grudges per se, but my memory is long.
I don't drink anymore, so I remember everything.
[laughs]
How do you think that, like, that's gonna fare
if she ever gets the opportunity to block you?
Werk!
[laughs]
It's a competition, and Jinkx is the one
that's most in my lane of comedy and theater and acting.
And so of course I wanna beat Jinkx.
Get away from me!
And if I've gotta block her week after week, I will.
And if Jinkx and the other girls don't think it's proper,
well, I do think, luv.
[laughs]
Put that penis away.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
RuPaul: The winner ofRuPaul's Drag Race All Stars
receives a one-year supply
of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics,
a cash prize of $200,000,
and will be crowned queen of all queens.
With our extra-special guest judge Nikki Glaser.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
♪ May the best drag queen win ♪
♪ Best drag queen win ♪
Yes.
-Good morning. -[bird call]
Well, today is a brand-new day in the werkroom.
Brand-new day, fresh new day,
and that is exactly what today is.
I'm excited.
Aah!
[laughs]
I had a lot of coffee, I'm sorry.
[alarm] Ooh!
RuPaul: Ooh, girl.
She done already done had herses.
My fellow drag-uates, who needs straight As
when a D can make you magna cum loudly?
[all laugh]
Now, give them life, and do it proudly.
-Okay. -Werk.
Hello, hello, hello!
[cheering]
She was feeling it.
My queens, I believe that children are the future.
Teach them well, and they will rob you blind.
[all laugh] True, true.
No, seriously, as drag legends,
you have a special calling and responsibility
to inspire the children
with your charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.
So for this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to write and deliver an uplifting commencement speech
for all the drag-uates around the world,
whether they're getting a PhD, an MBA, or a beauty license
from the International House of Pancake Makeup.
[all laugh]
Knowledge is power, so pass it on.
And I ought to know,
because I'm the proud recipient of a GED.
Hey!
-Hey! -Werk!
#AllStars7.
Now, later today you'll workshop your drag-uation speeches
with Carson Kressley and the she-larious Nikki Glaser.
[cheers and applause]
Monét, since you were blocked,
I'm letting you choose the speaking order.
Ooh!
[nervous laughter]
I'll go first, Vivienne will go home.
[all laugh]
Oh, and one more thing.
This week, the top two All Stars
will receive two legendary Legend Stars.
What?
-Are you-- -No!
One to keep, and one to give to a fellow queen.
What?
Oh, my...
-What? -[laughs]
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best Legend win.
[all laugh]
-Yes! -Okay.
Boom-chaka-laka-laka.
Pbl-pbl-pbl.
This sounds fun.
This week, our maxi-challenge
is to write and deliver
a drag-uation commencement speech.
Has anyone had to do a real speech in real life before?
I did in high school.
A whole, like, inspirational BS
about how we needed to legalize pot.
-And it worked. -It worked. It worked.
I feel like the way for me to win this challenge
is to really surprise the judges.
I want them to laugh with me,
I want them to cry with me,
I want them to give me a star.
What are you thinking for your angle?
A little bit of a cult leader.
Sorceress at the top of a mountain,
wind blowing through my silver hair.
-Because that's the visual. -Yeah.
I sometimes think of myself as a religious leader.
A very small religion, but it's a religion nonetheless.
So my approach in the speech
is to play a sorceress, a soothsayer.
She's kind of a wizard lady.
Hello, fairy children of Mother Earth.
Are you looking at what I'm writing?
No, I was looking you dead in the eyes.
I would say just make sure your speech starts with a big bang.
You wanna come out of the gate swinging.
Doing a conceptual character is very ambitious,
and it could really pay off.
But let's see if she's got those skills to pay those bills.
Trinity is over there sewing.
She's actually sewing a speech.
[laughs]
Sewing her speech.
She's embroidering it under her coat.
[laughs] I wouldn't put it past her.
Look, y'all, I embroidered my speech.
[laughs]
Hee-haw!
It's not "hee-haw." [all laugh]
Let me focus.
You know, the werkroom, though much bigger now,
still is not a conducive writing environment.
[plays xylophone]
[Jinkx laughs]
[sewing machine whirs]
[giggles]
[plays xylophone]
I have seven loud bitches in here
just literally distracting me from every corner.
♪ We're giving graduate speeches ♪
♪ But you girls aren't getting out of school ♪
♪ That's all we got, so we're gonna stop ♪
Yes.
Jaida, ain't you Black? Where's the rhythm?
[all laugh]
It's a lot.
Available on iTunes.
I need a thesaurus.
I might help. Sometimes I'm a good thesaurus.
I'm a Thesaurus Rex.
You're probably as old as one.
-Fuck off. -[laughs]
Monét, what's another word for "inhibited?"
Blocked.
-[laughs] -Oh, my God, that's hilarious.
I may be blocked,
but it puts a little extra pep in my step
knowing that I get to pick the order this week.
You know what, Jinkx?
I was thinking about the lineup,
and I think I'm gonna put you ninth.
[all laugh]
And with two extra stars on the table
to be given away to somebody else,
I think I can really use this power to my advantage
in this challenge.
I have no shame.
I'm gonna get Miss Monét a charity star. Werk.
Does anyone have somewhere that they'd like to go?
I would prefer to not be first or last.
I don't know, maybe, like, third.
I'm not gonna tell you what to do,
but I would prefer to be third.
I would like to be in the middle.
Werk.
I think the hard ones are beginning and end.
So if you happen to get a legendary Star this week
and you can give one to someone else,
I mean, that would just be so lovely.
I'll definitely keep that in mind.
You gotta play these bitches like fiddles, okay?
And I'm like an octopus. I'm playing all the fiddles.
We are just--we are fiddling.
It's how you play the game.
I hope somebody gives me a motherfucking star, bitch.
Werk.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[clears throat] Gather round, ladies.
Gather round.
I think I have the order, guys.
-Oh. -Oh, shit.
Oh, it feels like we're going to--
Well, shit.
We're off to the gallows.
Off to the gallows. [laughs]
Okay, the order is going to be myself.
-Ooh! -Okay.
Second, Shea; third, Trinity;
fourth, Raja;
fifth, Jaida;
sixth, Yvie;
seventh, Jinkx;
-eighth, The Vivienne. -Okay.
I mean, it's awfully petty.
Sounds fair.
Just because I blocked you, you're putting me at the end.
Well, you put me wherever you want, luv.
I've got a little secret weapon that is gonna make me going last
the perfect ending to a perfect graduation.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
-Oh! -Hello!
-Hi, Legends. -Hello!
Now it's time to workshop my drag-uation speech
with Nikki Glaser and Carson Kressley.
Hi, Nikki.
Hi, Monét.
I love Nikki Glaser.
I'm a big fan of her type of humor and her comedy.
She is so savage and she's so funny.
So having her helping us with our speeches, perfect.
What you say first
is going to be the thing that people remember.
Since the first line is so important, what is yours?
Thank you, students, parents, faculty, and esteemed guests.
[laughs] That was good.
So after you say "faculty" and you do this,
whoever you're insinuating you're blowing,
that should be the last of the list there.
Got it.
So it should be one, two, wipe your mouth.
Entire football team.
I don't know. Whoever it's gonna be.
Yeah, yes, yes. That's fun.
No, that was middle school.
-[laughs] -Oh, you're so precocious.
[laughs]
Looking out at all of you,
I'm not really sure why I was asked to be here.
Maybe it was because of my brilliant fashions on Season 10
or maybe just all this ass.
Either way, today you graduate and take your fist--
[clears throat] first real steps out into the world.
And that's all I have so far.
You've given us so much funny and so much sass
that a kernel or two of sincerity,
a little bit of sass with some inspiration, I think.
Or ass-pirational?
Well, it's always gonna be that with you.
Yeah. [laughs]
So, Shea, what do you think you should impart in your speech?
I just started thinking about my journey in school,
and I feel like we all look back
and we think about the hot, popular kids,
that they grow up and they're not as glamorous.
But I'm here to be, like, living proof that they are.
[laughs] Okay. That's a fun angle.
I was a super femme drama/art nerd
who was up against this giant society
that was set up to, like, not allow me to flourish.
Yeah.
And then one day I just looked at myself in the mirror
and I said, fuck 'em.
I'm gonna be the baddest and the gayest and the flounciest,
and show them that I am going places,
and you're going to see me everywhere one day.
I love that.
I think that is so good,
and then add with a fun little light button
to have us laughing on the way out would be amazing.
Okay. I'm feeling really encouraged
by the feedback I'm getting.
But now I have to actually finish writing it.
Okay, so set the stage for us.
I'm trying to kind of draw on my own personal experiences
-of sobriety and addiction. -Okay.
So I may have found the bar before I come up for my speech.
Okay.
But it's still inspirational. [chuckles]
-Should we go through it? -Yeah, sure.
[slurring] Good afternoon, fellow students,
teachers, and some old faces
I really wish I'd never have to see again in my life.
And, yes, to the judgmental bastards in the yearbook
who said I was the most likely to become a crackhead
and piss my life up the wall, you were right.
You do such a fantastic drunk voice.
I think just take out any superfluous words.
-Yeah. -Not any filler.
-Well, that. -What is filler?
I thought I might try it once.
Yeah, just tighten it up,
because drunk people are not fun to listen to,
because they get rambly.
So if you're giving us that character with tight jokes,
it's gonna be a really great one-two punch.
All right, perfect.
So I have a lot of stuff,
but I don't know if it's in the right order,
or maybe it's too much.
Well, what are the beats that you're working with?
Beat it out for us.
Hello, graduates, I'm so honored
to be giving a commencement address
to such talented people who are much smarter than me.
[laughs]
I'm kind of surprised that I would be asked
to be one of the ones to speak here today,
being that Hooked on Phonics didn't work for me.
-[laughs] -And to be honest,
I really was on Hooked on Phonics as a kid.
-You were? -So, yes.
Math, English, writing, I struggled through it all,
but I'm okay with taking the piss out of myself
because I'm not the same person
as I was when I was struggling with that.
I think there's a lot of inspiration here.
So much.
And then I think you're gonna pepper it
with some self-deprecating humor to give us some relief.
Yeah.
You've got a big heart and a tiny nose.
Use both of them.
I have a tiny nose now.
-That's also a funny bit. -Yes!
You know, how much you have changed.
-Okay. -Yes!
My nose has changed, my ass has changed.
Yes.
Okay.
You can't spell "tassel" without "ass."
Don't do a spelling joke around Trinity.
Oh!
Did you not hear?
Yeah, she doesn't know how to spell.
[both laugh]
I'm taking it.
That'll at least be one good joke.
Hi, Jinkx Monsoon.
What do you have in store for us?
I have, like, two different speeches.
-Great. -Sure, give us the ideas.
The first one would be the time I was hit by a car in Amsterdam.
Mm, good times.
Luckily, I was so drunk
that I just flopped over the car like a ragdoll,
landed flat on the ground, stood back up, felt fine,
thought that was a freebie.
The thesis statement is--
-Look both ways? -[laughs]
Don't wait to address your trauma.
All right, let's hear the next one.
This one would be called
the time I got a condom lost inside of me.
I really feel like I'm gonna connect with this.
If you don't know what "whiskey dick" is,
does the expression "pushing rope" mean anything to you?
That's also strong.
It's so strong.
But I think the first one is very universal.
-Yes, so good. -Thank you.
Thank you for talking about
having a condom stuck up inside you.
I thought I was alone!
-Yes, and you're not! -No!
-And I'm gonna remove it. -Yeah.
Finally!
So do you wanna run through it with us?
Absolutely.
I'm Jaida Essence Hall--
Dr. Jaida Essence Hall--
because today, that feels right.
I love that.
Now, I know being here I am truly doing the Lord's work,
and I'm so proud of myself,
as I'm sure you're all proud of me.
[both laugh]
And then it gets serious.
Part of your comedy is your confidence.
You're so regal and you're so wonderful.
Yeah, I'm glad you noticed.
Yes, lean into that, because it's funny.
Yeah. You can't help but be hilarious. You're a star.
Thank you.
I'm so excited to see what you do.
Thank you.
What would be your speech in one sentence?
Go out and fail.
Fail as much as possible.
-Why? -Why?
When you're worried about succeeding all the time,
you limit your experience
and you limit what you're allowing yourself to take in.
Whereas when you do get that really sweet failure,
it gives you a chance to learn from that mistake.
-That's a great idea. -It's so good.
Do you wanna run some of the lines?
I have the beginnings.
Howdy, y'all, I'm Yvie Oddly, and it is my--uh...
Uh...uh...
You can just read it, seriously.
Like, you don't need to be--
Girl, I just wrote this five minutes ago.
I'm not up for it yet. I'm so sorry.
I guess I'm passionate about failure.
[laughs]
I can't wait to see you really eat it tomorrow.
-You're gonna be horrible. -Thank you.
Good luck, and do fuck it up.
Yeah, truly, eat shit.
[laughs]
Of course there's a greeting at the beginning.
Hello, I'm Raja.
I will be your sorceress, soothsaying sage, and speaker.
So you're giving us Raja as kind of another character.
Cult leader.
-Okay. Uh-huh. -Yes, yes.
You know, tonight I'm here to share some of my wisdom
about how we are all part of the ebb and flow,
and that if something as vast as the ocean
succumbs to the tides of the moon,
none of us as humans are exempt.
So it starts there.
Profound shit.
Are you into it? I'm into it.
We can use some sprinkles of comedy.
Of course, yes.
It's dramatically comedic.
There's more coming, there's more coming.
Like, just everything needs to be faster.
You know, for those who don't understand,
it might feel a little out of the box,
but I think it's funny,
I think I have a profound message to give,
and this could just be my own Gemini delusion,
but I feel that my presence
is enough of a statement on its own, even in silence.
Perhaps I'll win a star this week.
-Maybe. -Fuck, I hope.
-[laughs] -Over it.
I haven't won a star yet, so--
-That's outrageous. -I'm rooting for you.
I can't even.
[laughs]
Peace.
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
A new day.
I thought you were gonna hit me with your purse,
I tried, I missed.
[laughs]
Happy graduation day!
Today we're getting ready to get on the stage
and do our drag-uation commencement speeches.
How are you feeling, Jaida?
I'm feeling good. How are you feeling?
Feeling pretty good.
I am excited to hopefully inspire some people out there.
Let's take a Tajín shot together.
-Have you ever done it before? -Sure. No.
Also, give you all a little bit of my dry sense of humor, okay?
[coughs]
So this gives you energy?
-Yeah, I feel like it does. -What's in it?
Just, like, seasonings. I don't know.
Maybe the judges will think it's fantastic,
and maybe they'll think, like,
get this thirsty bitch some water.
-I mean, I'll try anything. -Okay.
Anal? Cheers.
[both laugh]
This is gonna be fun.
It's like All Winners graduation day.
-We just need booze. -Yeah.
Oh, my God, a cold glass of sauv blanc.
[all laugh]
I'm gonna start my own sauvignon blanc line.
It's gonna be called Wine and Complain.
-[laughs] -That's so good.
I hope you don't think
I was trying to be shady with your placement at all.
Second to last, not a memorable spot.
But if you're good, you're good, no matter where you are.
If anything, I'm gonna make sure
Vivienne has her work cut out for her.
What are you two shady bitches talking about over there?
[laughs]
I think it's obvious that The Vivienne and I
share similar talents and abilities,
and half the time The Vivienne's performing in the challenges,
all I can think is, goddamn, I wish I had thought of that.
Everyone can hear each other better than I thought.
[laughs]
That's probably why we're becoming frenemies.
Vivienne, how well can you hear me right now?
[laughs]
Plus, The Viv basically said
she would have blocked me if she had the chance.
So scary, you know? [laughs]
How does everyone feel
about having the power of giving away stars?
I'm so geeked by this fucking twist.
Monét is determined to be the first blocked girl
to get a star while blocked.
Blocked girls matter.
[laughs]
I mean, there's a couple of queens in here
who have stars who have not been blocked yet.
-There are. -Yeah.
-Huh? -Huh?
-Huh? What? -What?
Bitch, get off my back.
[both laugh] Aah!
Bitch, I don't know what you're talking about.
I gotta be in the top today.
[all laugh]
[RuPaul laughs]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪
And what?
Yes. [applause]
Welcome to the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, All Winners.
Michelle Visage.
Now, what's the best piece of advice you've ever gotten?
If it goes in, eventually it has to come out.
Has anything ever not come out?
Only my doctor knows for sure.
[all laugh]
Style superstar Carson Kressley,
what would you tell your younger self?
Don't worry, my beautiful child.
Cher will do another farewell tour.
Several, actually.
[all laugh]
And our extra-special guest judge Nikki Glaser.
Hey, Nikki, do you ever get stage fright?
I don't. The one time I did, though,
was when I had to roast Ann Coulter,
and it wasn't because I was scared to be mean to her.
It was just because I had to share the stage
with someone who's so terribly evil.
Have you met Michelle Visage?
[all laugh]
This week we challenged our All Stars
to inspire us with drag-uation speeches.
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best Legend win.
From RuPaul's Drag U
to all the drag-uates around the world,
please welcome Monét X Change.
[applause]
Good morning, afternoon,
to all the students, parents, and faculty.
[all laugh]
It truly is an honor
to stand before you here at a dainty 5'12,
but I'm not sure why I was asked to be here today.
Perhaps it was my sickening looks on Season 10.
-Oop. -Oop.
Or maybe just all this ass, you know what I'm saying?
Either way, today marks your graduation,
and a commitment to take your fist--
oh, I mean first--first--
first real steps out into the world,
where you'll encounter many situations
that'll compel you to ask yourself:
Am I doing this right?
Did I choose the right career?
Should I have let the entire football team
spit roast me again?
Yes. [all laugh]
The answer is always yes.
When I graduated college,
I can honestly stand here and admit that I was afraid.
I was afraid to let the world at large see me for who I was.
But a wise spirit named Mufasa once said,
[imitating Mufasa] "Remember who you are, Simba."
Don't be afraid to show the world who you are.
So what you're loud?
So what you stutter?
So what you're poor?
So what you're queer?
When life is giving it to you hard,
you stand there, you grit your teeth, sniff some poppers,
and you take it, every inch of it.
Con-drag-ulations, graduates. You turned it!
[applause]
Please welcome Shea Couleé.
Hello, drag-uates.
When I was approached
to speak at today's commencement ceremony,
my first thought was avoid clichés.
However, I realized that, like Jinkx Monsoon's makeup skills,
they're not that bad.
[all laugh]
For example, how many of us have been reassured growing up
that the popular kids don't mature into popular adults?
Well, I can say that that statement is false.
I was popular then,
and I'm popular now.
But as a young, Black, queer and femme person,
it wasn't always easy.
So one day in the cafeteria I did the unthinkable.
I walked to the center of the room
and sat at the cool kids' table.
Everyone looked at me like I was delusional.
They tried to shade me,
but, baby, you can't shade the sun.
[all laugh]
Now, I know that this story
sounds like some clichéd plot from a John Hughes film,
but I guarantee you it's not, because I'm Black.
[all laugh]
In closing, there could be 99 people in a cafeteria
that don't believe in you,
but if one person believes in you,
then you can be the baddest bitch in school.
And sometimes, that one person is you.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Next, please welcome Trinity the Tuck.
Hello, drag-uates.
I'm actually kind of surprised
that I was asked to speak here today,
mostly because Hooked on Phonics didn't work for...moo?
[all laugh] Muh?
Whatever, girl, it didn't work for me.
When I was in school,
I didn't know if I was smart enough.
I didn't think that I was good at anything,
and my grandmother got really, really sick,
and I had to quit school to take care of her.
That prevented me
from graduating with my class in high school.
But you do what you have to do for those you love.
Remember that.
I eventually found drag and realized what I was good at.
I may not have walked down with a cap and gown,
but, girl, I do put the "ass" in "tassel."
[all laugh]
Some of you are about to go out and do some amazing things.
Most won't.
[all laugh]
But never give up.
Hard work and determination will lead you to maybe do what I did,
and tie for first on a reality competition show.
And if the degree
that your parents spent thousands of dollars on
doesn't work out, girl, just go down to Mexico
and get yo ass fat and become a drag queen.
Congratulations.
[all laugh]
Thank you.
[applause]
It is my honor to present Raja.
[laughs]
Greetings, friends.
It is my great honor to be here.
I am aware of your presence.
[all laugh]
I am Raja, soothsayer, sorceress,
sage, and speaker tonight.
Here are five important pieces of earned wisdom to remember.
One: time in this realm will feel rapid and limited.
Grasp every moment
and connect always to the ebb and flow,
'cause we're all gonna die.
[all laugh]
Two: Fuck a lot.
Like, a lot-lot.
Fuck till you can't fuck no more.
[all laugh]
Three: pay. your. taxes.
They are watching.
They know when you're asleep and awake.
They know you purchase poppers from Berlin online.
They know your women's shoe size is really a 15.
[all laugh]
Four: always be kind and good to people,
especially if they have money.
[all laugh]
Oh, yes. Be nice to the poor as well.
One can never be sure if a camera lurks nearby
to capture your good deeds.
[all laugh]
Last but not least, number five:
"institutions" also spells "intuitions"
if you're dyslexic.
[all laugh]
A wise soul once said if you reach for the moon,
you'll find yourself amongst the stars.
You'll incinerate and combust passing through the atmosphere,
but, yes, stars.
[all laugh]
Thank you, stay booked, stay blessed.
[laughter and applause]
Yes, Raja!
That was so good!
Yes!
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Welcome back to our drag-uation ceremony.
Next, please welcome Jaida Essence Hall.
Well, good evening, bitches.
[all laugh]
I am so glad to see
that my degrees from Drag U and Trump University
are finally being put to good use.
Now, for most of us,
this is as good as it's ever going to fucking get.
But you're all alive,
and this would be extremely awkward if you weren't.
[all laugh]
Growing up, I had imagined
that life was this perfect set of steps
that led to a pathway of success.
But when I turned 30 years old, I felt like such a failure
because I had not graduated from high school,
I didn't go to college,
I didn't have this amazing corporate job
or this big, beautiful family,
and I thought that I really missed my chance at success.
But opportunity did knock on my door,
and I found true love, true happiness,
and most importantly, success, bitch.
Look at me!
And I'm so proud of me,
as I'm sure all of you are today.
"Hold for applause."
[laughter and applause]
Never believe that it is too late
for you to join the party.
And speaking of party, bitch, I gotta get outta here,
because we got one after this, and Imma head out.
So look over there!
Bye, motherfuckers!
[applause]
Please welcome Yvie Oddly.
Ooh! [applause]
Oh!
[all laugh]
[laughs] I love it.
[applause]
Now, before we begin, I would really appreciate it
if we could take some time to bow our heads
and give praise to the creator,
through whom all things are possible.
Thank you, RuPaul.
[all laugh]
Like, seriously, girl,
thanks for signing that check, bitch.
You know, they say money can't buy happiness,
but looking at all these bitches' smiles,
it can at least buy you a new grill.
My time competing on Drag Race
gave me something more important than any check could ever write,
so I feel it's my duty to pass it on to you:
the gift of failure.
Mm.
I would like to think that all of my successes in life
are really just the fruit of my failures.
For example, I might never have known
that I was so damn good at lip syncing
if I didn't first discover
how damn bad I am at impersonating Whoopi Goldberg.
[all laugh]
Ru tried to warn me.
[imitating RuPaul] "You in danger, girl."
It's still not there.
So when you go out into the world,
I want you to try hard, I want you to swing big,
and I want you to fail.
Because it's through these trials and errors
that we really learn to become the people we are meant to be.
Good luck, and fuck it up.
Fuck it up.
Con-drag-ulations!
[applause]
Please welcome Jinkx Monsoon.
Hello, and blessed be to the graduating class
of whatever year you're watching this on YouTube.
[all laugh]
I'm Jinkx Monsoon, and it's become very obvious
that I thought I was speaking at a different school today.
So I'm going to salvage as much of this speech as I can.
[clears throat]
Double, double, toil and trouble--
No, I think we can skip that part. Okay.
Hecate, Hecate, Hecate-- Yeah, none of this works here.
Oh, okay, here's something we all can relate to.
One year I was reluctantly taking a vacation in Amsterdam--
That's going on holiday for you, Viv.
And as I was returning to my hotel
after a particularly raucous night out,
a car came whipping around the corner,
driving backwards at full speed.
It hit my body like a charging rhino,
knocked the joint right out of my hand.
I just flopped over the car like a ragdoll,
landed flat in the street.
But I stood up, dusted myself off, took a bow,
and said, "That was a freebie."
I felt completely fine,
so I didn't do anything about it.
Now seven years later,
my spine is out of alignment in three different places
and I wake up every morning
feeling like I've been put through a cement mixer.
[all laugh]
You see, the body remembers trauma,
even if the mind suppresses it.
Some say being born is an act of trauma.
Think of it.
You are ripped out of the ultimate safe space,
and then thrust into a world full of people
who would just as soon run you down with their car
and leave you for dead
in the middle of the streets of Amsterdam!
[all laugh]
I implore you to allow yourselves the time
to process your trauma.
Do the work today so you can truly enjoy tomorrow.
The grand high witch herself, RuPaul, once told me,
"We can't forgive our past
until we allow ourselves time to face it,"
or something to that effect.
My memory is mashed potatoes.
I was hit by a fucking car!
[laughter and applause]
Please welcome The Vivienne.
[slurring] Good afternoon.
First off, let me just apologize
for my fellow speakers' bloody dull stories.
I had to have a drink just to stay awake.
But I did come here to share a story with you all
about my sobriety journey.
[all laugh]
And as you can see, it's going bloody fantastic.
And, yes, the judgmental bastards in the yearbook
who said I was most likely to become a crackhead
and piss my life up the wall,
congratulations, you were right.
[all laugh]
I can see my old Spanish tutors out there in the crowd.
Hola,Mr. Kressley.
You know, it's funny.
Mr. Kressley would never give you a good grade, would he?
No matter how many times you noshed him off.
Oh, sorry. Our little secret.
[all laugh]
But let's take a minute
to look at these fine speakers this evening.
Jinkx Monsoon finished top of her class.
Trinity the Tuck finished top of her professor.
[all laugh]
And well done, Raja, for finally getting your degree.
Just too bad by the time you get to use it,
you'll be dead.
[all laugh]
There are many ways in life to get to the top.
Take it from me.
You'll be much more popular if you're a bottom.
And if all else fails, just do what I did.
Find the oldest, richest man you can,
marry him, then push the bastard down the stairs.
[all laugh]
Cheers.
[laughter and applause]
Is she okay?
[all laugh]
Category is Veiled It.
Up first, Monét X Change.
Nikki: She's so cagey.
Michelle: I tawt I saw a Monét X Change.
Carson: Did she just give us all the bird?
[all laugh]
Monét: Now, y'all know I would not come out here
in some traditional, boring veil.
I am giving you a songbird. It's fashion.
I look expensive, and, baby, guess what?
I smell expensive, too.
Michelle: Now, pluck off.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Shea Couleé.
Nikki: Pleated for her pleasure.
Michelle: The world accordion to Shea.
[all laugh]
Shea: I am channeling my grandmother
floating through her garden
with these gorgeous accordion pleats.
You cannot tell me that I do not look like a legend.
Nikki: Now I know where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.
RuPaul: She's in "Veil," Colorado.
[all laugh]
Trinity the Tuck.
She's not high maintenance, she's just high.
Michelle: She'd like to say "I do,"
but she did, and he's dead.
[all laugh]
Trinity: I feel like the only second wife
who married her rich, much older husband who just died,
and she inherited it all.
And then she's gonna marry his son.
Nikki: She's good at drag-ging those flowers with her veil.
[all laugh]
To wear a train like this with all the weight at the end,
bitch, I am getting a workout.
How is this wig still on?
Carson: Business in the front, Rose Parade in the back?
RuPaul: No, rosebud in the back.
[all laugh]
Up next, Raja.
Michelle: Raja's wearing the latest edition.
RuPaul: This is the Anna Wintour of our discontent.
[all laugh]
Raja: "Voile" in French means "veil."
See what I did?
I can be a little bit of a maximalist.
If you give me a challenge, I might take it too far,
and you're gonna love it.
Carson: Well, she's really got this look covered.
RuPaul: Yes, she certainly does.
Jaida Essence Hall.
Wow, she's got this look wrapped up.
Carson: It's Spanish, and it's fly.
[all laugh]
Jaida: I'm giving you the haunted woman
that's, like, deep down at the end of a hallway,
and I'm just holding a candle, looking sickening,
even if you can't see me fully.
Nikki: She walks into the club hearse-first.
[Michelle laughs]
RuPaul: Yvie Oddly.
Michelle: Ooh, I think you mean Beadly Oddly.
[all laugh]
♪ Bead it ♪ I said "Bead it."
[all laugh]
Yvie: I am serving veils on veils to no avail.
So heavy, but you can't tell,
because my leg is out and I am pumping it.
RuPaul: Because beading is what?
-Fundamental! -Fundamental!
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Jinkx Monsoon.
Nikki: What's her butterfly net worth?
Carson: Lavender? I hardly know her!
Jinkx: It's a very precarious headdress.
The slightest little breeze throws everything off.
But I'm hoping the payoff will be worth it.
Everything's coming up... pansies?
[laughs]
I'm the goddess of the spring,
and I'm in full bloom,
no matter what time of year this is airing.
Michelle: Dress by Miracle-Gro.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Up next, The Vivienne.
Michelle: Oh, my God, gag me with a ball or two.
Carson: It's by Dolce and Gabbondage.
-Oh! -[laughs]
Vivienne: I'm giving you
cybersex doll bride.
I'm supposed to look like I'm in pain.
I am in pain. [laughs]
Nikki: Lookit, she's the belle of the ball gag.
[all laugh]
♪ Old friends go ♪
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Welcome, ladies.
Tonight, the top two All Stars of the week
will each receive two legendary Legend Stars,
one to keep, and one to give to a fellow queen.
I give to the needy, not the greedy.
[all laugh]
Now it's time for the judges' critiques,
starting with Monét X Change.
Tweet, tweet.
I thought your speech was really fun.
The football team spit roast I could relate to.
[all laugh]
-Same. -Thank you.
You just nailed the speech, you made it so funny.
I was thoroughly impressed.
Thank you, Nikki.
This outfit is iconic.
Iconic.
Thank you, Ru.
It's really beautifully constructed,
but it's very drag. It's fun.
it's got a sense of humor and a great sense of glamour,
and it's a great balance of those two.
So I love this.
Up next, Shea Couleé.
The speech all about kind of how popular you were was hilarious.
That comedy, just matter of fact,
and then you move on, always gets me.
You were so good and so relaxed and comfortable.
It was really, really good.
This look, I think those layers of accordion pleated silk
are so gorgeous.
I wanted to wear this as a love letter to my grandmother,
because some of my fondest memories
were her walking around her garden, cultivating the earth.
That explains everything.
-You look so stunning. -Thank you.
Up next, it's Trinity the Tuck.
I'm so excited how well you nailed that phonics joke.
That was an advanced performance of comedy
that I want you to know you nailed.
And I did appreciate that you had
a heartfelt vulnerable moment in there as well.
I thought you did a very good job.
This look, you have never looked more gorgeous.
It's like Evita dressed for, like, a funeral or something.
So fun.
I don't know how many cases you took to get here,
but they were all filled with trains.
I would like to say
that the girls have changed my name
to Trinity the Train.
Yes. [all laugh]
I promise, this is the last big train thing.
No, keep it coming.
You are such a star.
-Thank you, Trinity. -Thank you.
Up next, it's Raja Gemini.
Our soothsayer, coming out in this celestial garb.
I think my favorite line in the whole thing was,
"We're all gonna die."
[all laugh] Well...
And your speech was such a great departure
from the tone that had already been set.
It was just, like, this character
that was, like, made things light and fun and weird.
I felt like I was talking to someone
who was describing a mushroom trip.
[all laugh]
This look, I mean, I swear I've seen this in a magazine.
[laughs]
The details on this,
even the masthead of the magazine name.
-"Voile" is French for "veil." -Right.
Add points. Go ahead and add points.
[all laugh]
We'll see what we can do.
Jaida Essence Hall.
-Hey! -She's in there.
I think my favorite line was,
"I'm so proud of me, as you all are today."
[all laugh]
Your use of "bitch" throughout,
it really is overused a lot of times in comedy.
You used it so perfectly
that I didn't look at it as a device.
And you got personal, too,
and I'm glad you went there.
Tonight you are definitely veilded.
I love the Spanishness of it.
The dotted mesh is so pretty and so kind of current and now.
I love that I can't see you
and that I had to, like, go, I wanna know more.
Like a lingerie burqa, and I liked it.
[all laugh]
Up next, it's Yvie Oddly. Ooh, look at that leg.
This look is fantastic.
It's glamorous, it's sparkly.
You're giving us Angelina Oddly with the exposed leg.
All of that beading on that kind of Aztec motif,
so chic, so fabulous.
Your speech, you did a pratfall, which I appreciate.
You got up and you left the cards,
so you did the whole thing without cards.
That's an extra, like, good job for that.
Your speech struck a chord with me,
because I have failed way more than I have succeeded.
But that's what brought me here today.
I'm gonna keep failing my way towards your position.
[all laugh]
Up next, it's Jinkx Monsoon.
Who said that?
[all laugh]
This look veiled it, oh!
This is so beautiful.
You've got a garden growing out of your body.
And that butterfly illusion of them holding up your veil,
it's magic and enchanted.
This is just a gorgeous look.
Your character in the drag-uation speech
was hilarious.
You started out the wrong school,
it was just funny and smart, and the way Jinkx does things.
I'm so grateful you told that story,
because it not only literally struck me like the car,
but it, like, figuratively, I get it.
Like, that's an important message,
and it was very clear, so great job.
Now, this may be a good opportunity to tell you
that that was probably me behind the wheel of that car.
[all laugh]
Up next, The Vivienne.
The Vivienne, your graduation speech, it wasn't over the top.
You didn't, like, ruin the bit by being too sloppy.
You're a great comedic actress.
And you spent the entire time in character.
Even when the other queens were giving their speeches,
you were back in your chair
with your sunglasses on and your martini glass.
This look tonight, I loved the ball gag,
I love the bondage, I love the color you chose.
This look, I just love.
You were like Ariel caught in a fishnet, and I loved it.
Thank you, ladies. I think we've heard enough.
Before you untuck in the werkroom,
there's someone I want you to meet.
Please give a warm Drag Racewelcome
to the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back.
It's my honor to be here
to say to all of you how proud we all are of you.
Thank you for the joy and beauty you bring to the world.
Aw!
Your freedom of expression of yourselves in drag
is what America is all about.
I say that all the time to my friends in drag.
[laughter and applause]
Now, Speaker Pelosi,
with all the challenges facing our nation,
what words of wisdom do you have for us?
Well, the single most important thing I can say is to vote.
With the midterm elections coming up,
it's very important for people to make their voices
and their vote heard.
Well, thank you so much for the work you've done
and the work you continue to do tirelessly for our freedom.
Your tenacity is something that we all look up to.
We throw the word "master class" around here all the time,
but that sarcastic, shady clap you do was fucking epic.
It was completely unintentional.
[all laugh]
We have prayers in our hearts to keep you strong.
Well, thank you for that.
May God bless America.
Can I get an "amen?"
-Amen! -Amen!
Thank you, Madam Speaker!
[applause]
All right, now, just between us squirrel friends,
who are the queens you were most passionate about this week?
Shea Couleé blew me away with the graduation speech.
So funny, so confident, so many great jokes.
I was popular then, and I'm popular now.
And the way she did it was so calm and cool,
I felt totally safe and totally at ease watching her.
Her runway look tonight,
with all the layers of the accordion pleating,
I thought it was really fun, really fashion, really chic.
You know, when I watched The Viv,
I was sold from the second she got out there,
and I just thought it was so different than everyone else's.
When she said she was gonna do a drunk character
for the entire bit,
I think we were both kind of like, ooh,
it could just be, like, cloying or something, and not play.
But it all worked.
I didn't take one note
because I was so engrossed in her performance.
I wanted more. It was that good.
Cheers. [all laugh]
But her runway look,
I loved the juxtaposition of that beautiful blue
and the S&M kind of feel.
She looked spectacular.
Really, you talk about veiled it.
Jinkx has come a very long way with her fashions, as we know.
The illusion of the monarchs holding up the veil in the back,
the way that beautiful lavender gown fit her,
it was just so stunning.
And her speech was so wonderfully executed.
To the graduating class
of whatever year you're watching this on YouTube.
There were jokes, there was poignancy,
she brought light to trauma while still addressing trauma.
That's not an easy thing to do.
We were just in it with her. It was so effective.
And what great wisdom.
That's a home run for me.
I hate to use a football reference.
This was also such a strong night for Raja.
Yes, and I love that she approached it
so differently from everybody else.
We're all gonna die.
[all laugh]
And it was just very funny,
and it was layers upon layers of jokes.
One of the best performances of the night by far.
And then the magazine look, I'll never forget it.
It really honestly, like, made me jaw drop.
There's nothing more perfect for her than what she did tonight.
It was glamorous, it was cheeky, it was smart.
It was what drag's supposed to be.
I'm just so impressed with all of these--
I'm not gonna call them kids, they're people.
But, God, they know what they're talking about.
Silence. I've made my decision.
Bring back my Legends.
Welcome back, ladies.
Based on your drag-uation speeches
and your veiled runway presentations,
I've made some decisions.
The top two All Stars of the week are...
Jinkx Monsoon...
and Raja.
[applause]
I am elated. [laughs]
Con-drag-ulations.
You've each earned two legendary Legend Stars,
one to keep and one star to give away.
Jinkx and Raja, all of the other six queens
are eligible to receive your legendary Legend Star.
Think carefully, and you will gift your stars
at the beginning of next week.
-Oh. -Oh.
So y'all better act right.
[all laugh]
Ladies, the rest of you may take a seat.
Two legends stand before me.
Jinkx, Raja,
this is your chance to impress me,
win $10,000,
and earn the power
to block one of your fellow queens
from receiving a legendary Legend Star next week.
The time has come... [thunder]
for you to lip sync...
[echoing] for your legacy!
Good luck, and don't fuck it up.
Uh. Aah. Uh. Aah. Uh. Oh.
♪ Black, white, ebony all sound good to me ♪
♪ Two-tone recipe got good chemistry ♪
♪ J.F. Kennedys, kiss hood celebrities ♪
♪ Don't matter to me, 'cause I like everything ♪
♪ You can be my lover ♪
♪ 'Cause love looks better in color ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, big dick energy tastes like collard greens ♪
♪ Big ass patty cake, hey, happy days ♪
♪ Bitch, don't label me, I'm me famously ♪
♪ Nobody's safe, nobody ♪
♪ You and you and you and you can be my lover ♪
♪ 'Cause love looks better in color ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Color ♪
♪ My whole world of color, baby ♪
♪ Love looks better, love, love looks better ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Rainbows and shit ♪
♪ Ooh, if I'm trying to tell you ♪
♪ Then you try to hurt me ♪
♪ Imma tell your mama ♪
♪ Color me, color me, color me, color me ♪
♪ Yeah, you can be my lover ♪
♪ 'Cause love looks better in color, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ It's dark under the covers ♪
♪ But love looks better in color ♪
[cheers and applause]
Ladies, I've made my decision.
Jinkx Monsoon, con-drag-ulations.
You're a winner, baby.
[applause]
You've won a cash tip of $10,000.
Raja, you are free to slay another day.
You may step to the back of the stage.
[applause]
Queens, please join Jinkx on the main stage.
Jinkx Monsoon, with great power comes great responsibility.
Using the Platinum Plunger...
Show us which queen you've chosen to block.
Nice to see you, Yvie.
Don't you dare.
Jaida, lovely as always.
[Yvie laughs]
Shady Couleédy.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know who to block.
That's what gives me anxiety.
Also, I'm just riddled with anxiety in general.
[laughs]
I hope you take this as the compliment I mean it as.
You're blocked!
Well, you got me, girl.
[all laugh]
The Vivienne, next week you can compete and even win,
but Jinkx has blocked you from earning a legendary Legend Star.
Con-drag-ulations, ladies.
And remember, if you can't love yourself,
how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Can I get an "amen" up in hurr?
-Amen! -Amen!
All right. Now let the music play!
[music plays]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
[laughs]
♪ Cover girl ♪
RuPaul: Next time onAll Stars...
We're curious who you're gonna give your second star to.
I will definitely take a handout
from a loving sister.
[cracks knuckles]
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to live your Y2K girl group fantasy
on a flashback episode of MTV's TRL.
[all laugh]
It's kind of like what Americans think of British people.
Cups of tea, foreskin.
You had me at foreskin.
[both laugh]
♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na ♪
♪ Cut in two ♪
This is, like, pop star stuff.
I'm more of a sexy lounge act.
I'm blocked.
Vivienne, are you still mad about that?
It's resting bitch face.
It's just the filler. Look.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪