♪ MTV ♪
RuPaul: Previously on All Stars...
Yvie went from zero stars
to literally 14 in one week.
[all laugh]
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to create a signature look
inspired by one of my classic looks.
So, Viv, are you wishing you had blocked someone else
now that you know it's a design challenge?
[all laugh]
Uh, yeah.
Trinity the Tuck.
My goodness, is this just beautiful.
-Thank you. -Jaida Essence Hall.
It's like a Bob Mackie for Cher
amazing quality garment.
Jaida Essence Hall and Trinity the Tuck,
con-drag-ulations.
You've each earned
a legendary Legend Star.
This is your chance
to block one of you fellow queens
from receiving a legendary Legend Star next week.
Trinity the Tuck, con-drag-ulations.
You're a winner, baby.
Yay! [applause]
With great power comes great responsibility.
I have to stop you in your tracks.
Whoo! Come on, Jaida.
The rematch.
Remix part deux.
Hot diggity dog.
I'm part of the two star club, bitch.
Call me the Hollywood Walk of Fame, bitch.
All the stars.
Walk all over me!
Congratulations, ladies.
I got the $10,000.
-Yes, money. -Finally.
Jaida has three stars.
Bitch, three stars.
What the hell? That's crazy.
I had this fantasy in my mind
that I was going to be the first and only queen
to get three stars, and I did.
[laughs]
See, sometimes it pays off to be delusional.
It's very weird to be, like,
a star ahead of anybody else in the competition.
It's kind of crazy.
But you technically
would have three stars as of today
-had you not been blocked. -What?
-[laughs] -Aah!
[whispers] You're blocked.
That was so week one.
We've grown past that.
[all laugh]
[laughs] Have we?
Let's be real.
I am slaying the game,
and I would be in the lead
if is wasn't for shady-ass Shea.
Rethinking my block, honey.
Uh.
Oh.
Oh, she's coming right over here.
[laughs]
Let me sit next to my good sis.
Why'd you block me?
Um...rationally, it came down to y'all two.
You both have two stars.
Neither one of y'all had been blocked yet.
And then she was in the top,
so it just came down to you.
That's legit. I'll take it up to the handle.
[all laugh]
I will be honest.
I thought maybe Jinkxy-poo a little bit,
but she's been blocked already.
She's been blocked more than my eyebrows.
[all laugh]
Imagine if you got blocked today.
I would have been cracking up.
I'm trying to be cool about it.
I'm trying to be, like, yeah, man, whatever.
And at the same time,
I feel like don't look at me.
Don't look at me.
Don't you look at me with that block.
Who has two stars?
Not me.
-Two. Two.
I have two.
Three.
-One. -One.
How do y'all think, that, like,
anybody's gonna make a path to get to the finale?
Ask Jaida.
Because there's only a few more weeks left.
Four challenges left.
So, I mean, technically at the moment,
with one star we'd have to be in the top
at least twice more.
Oh, my God. Viv, shut the fuck up.
Which is even more frustrating.
I'm not saying that I'm, like,
a mathematician or anything, but...
[all laugh]
...those numbers don't look good to me.
[all laugh]
I need to win every week.
Four of the girls up in this werkroom
are going to the finale.
With only four weeks left,
girl, how am I supposed to win enough stars?
Go-Go Gadget math symbols,
because I'm sitting here bald headed
with one star.
I feel raggedy as hell.
I'm geeked, bitch.
When you and I started the competition--
-We were like... -Working bitches.
And now we're just here, like... ♪ okay ♪
[both laugh]
I know for a fact
I'm one of the fiercest bitches here.
It just doesn't add up. It just doesn't make sense.
So I need to put the pedal to the metal,
bring my belt up to my nipples,
strap in,
and make the star appear in my clutches.
♪ Three stars, Jaida's got the three stars ♪
Please, Ru, may I have some more?
-Yah! -Aah!
Get out of here. I gotta urinate.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
RuPaul: The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars
receives a one-year supply
of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics,
a cash price of $200,000,
and will be crowned queen of all queens.
With extra-special guest judge
writer and director Janicza Bravo.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
♪ May the best drag queen ♪
♪ Best drag queen win ♪
♪ Yes ♪
-Ooh. -All rightza.
-She's ready to go. -[laughs]
Guten morgen, meine lieblings.
It's a brand-new day,
and I've got the whole world in front of me.
The world is full of possibilities
for a young Jinkx Monsoon.
[laughs]
Well, Monét, you did not get the memo
of black and white or off white.
-It's a new alliance, Monét. -Oh, that's what this is.
Everybody except Monét alliance.
[all laugh]
Oh, my God.
[alarm] Oh!
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Ooh, girl.
She done already done had herses.
Hey, ho's.
Who comes but once a year,
and still ain't nobody complaining?
So you better sit on his lap
and make it rain, dear,
or he'll give you something to really scream about.
[giggles]
[all laugh]
Oh, my God, it's Christmas.
It's Christmas.
We're about to get a huge package.
[all laugh]
Hello, hello, hello.
[cheering]
Come on, suit.
My legends, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
Halloween!
[all laugh]
Well...
[all laugh]
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you'll be starring in the soon-to-be cult classic
Santa's School for Girls.
Oh! [all laugh]
#AllStars7.
Now, it's part Christmas movie,
part horror film, part Mean Girls.
-Yes! -Ooh!
And, yes, it came to me in an Ayahuasca dream.
[all laugh]
Now, Trinity, since you won last week,
you'll be in charge of assigning the roles.
Hi. [all laugh]
Later today, you'll head to the set,
where you'll be working with me
and our extra-special guest judge,
the writer and director of the acclaimed film Zola.
[gasps]
That's right, Janicza Bravo.
[cheers and applause]
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best Legend win.
[cheers and applause]
-Yes. -Ahh.
Let's sit.
This week's maxi-challenge
is the soon-to-be cult classic Santa's School for Girls.
This is the Legend season.
We need this to be Oscar worthy,
not straight to DVD.
So do y'all wanna, like, read over everything,
and then we could, like, decide?
I have the task of casting this production.
That is a lot of pressure.
Nutmegan Kelly, the headmistress,
Christmas traditionalist.
There's something sinister about her.
We want to make Christmas great again!
Oh, God.
[all laugh]
Miss Toe, the cool teacher.
Noelle, the new girl.
Open-minded, unique, and a funky style.
And then there's the naughty girls,
starting with Scrooge, a goth girl with Rizzo attitude.
And then there's Hannah, the nerd.
The nice girls: Merry, the leader, Regina George type.
[all laugh]
-Okay. -Ooh, okay.
Holly, the shopaholic.
Joy, the dumb one, always the last to get the joke.
I like Nogigging--
Nogegg.
Nogegg. Oh, I get it.
I like nogegg-- I mean, eggnog.
I thought you were doing the character.
[all laugh]
I think you've just assigned Joy to you.
[all laugh]
I wanna make a list.
I'm gonna try to place everybody with what they want.
-I say Hannah or Joy. -Okay.
Headmistress Nutmegan or Miss Toe.
Noelle?
-Nutmegan, the headmistress. -Scrooge.
The Viv, since you let me pick the fabric first...
Mm, mm, mm. Trinity.
Yay!
I'm gonna let you have your first choice,
which was Nutmeg.
-Thank you. -Okay.
I've got my first pick. What'd everyone else get?
I'm gonna go with Joy.
Shea, we'll do Noelle for you.
Jaida, do Hannah.
Yvie, we'll do Merry for you.
Raja, you're Scrooge.
Jinkx, since Nutmegan is taken--
Miss Toe.
I was open to Miss Toe as well.
I know that Jinkx would do a great job as Miss Toe.
But you know what?
Jinkx has won three challenges, she has two stars,
so I'm not gonna let her come up in here and win
and get a third star.
Absolutely not.
We could do auditions.
-I live for the auditions. -Okay.
Beautiful, girls.
As the great Bob "Diana" Ross once said,
we don't make mistakes,
just happy little accidents. Yah.
"Yah."
Beautiful, girls.
As the great Bob "Diana" Ross once said,
we don't make mistakes, just happy accidents.
Oh, this is Jinkx.
Me and Monét have an alliance,
and we're not out to be shady towards anybody.
But we are looking after each other,
and so...
-I'll do Miss Toe for you. -Okay.
So, Jinkx, you're Holly.
[laughs]
Oh, gosh.
It's a super fun script.
I think the headmistress is stuck in a time capsule.
She still thinks she's in, like, old Hollywood.
[laughs]
She's gonna be this very transatlantic
Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford,
crazy behind the eyes, very shoulders.
[inhales]
And I'm gonna be dead behind the eyes.
[laughs]
Headmistress with an evil side.
I mean, come on.
This is a role of a lifetime.
I've been dreaming of playing this part
since I was four years old.
I'm just gonna go Joan Crawford all the way.
Don't fuck with me, fellas!
This ain't my first time at the rodeo.
Let's go.
Do you like your role?
Um, yes.
You know, she's the straight character,
but it's just about finding those nuances.
How about you?
I, like, could totally see, like, nineties grunge,
like, gothic Raja.
Scrooge the goth girl
basically is, like, Nancy from The Craft.
She's a little bit Lydia in Beetlejuice.
I really wanted that one,
just because, you know, I didn't need a ton of lines,
but, you know, I like a look.
Yes. [both laugh]
She's, like, a professional eye roller, you know?
She's like, ugh. Me.
So pretty much me.
I love this character.
This character actually might be, like, eight different girls
that I had a crush on when I was in high school.
So I get it. I know this person.
She's angsty. She's, like, whatever.
You know, kind of me.
This is such a tight race,
and it's gonna be such a tight race,
I feel like, down to the last star.
I have three stars, so I feel like I can see a way to the top,
especially if I win another challenge.
But, I mean, there are some really good actors
in this group of people, so--
I know there are. There's a lot of really--
This challenge is going to be difficult.
I have to stay focused.
Keep your mind right and your ass--
keep your ass right--no.
Keep your ass right and your mind will follow.
But switchies.
Ziggies. [laughs]
I wanted to check in on you.
Why? [both laugh]
Because, I mean, I know that that's not what you wanted.
I wasn't trying to be, like--
No, I feel like--
I really tried to give everybody what they wanted.
-I'm not bitter. -Okay.
I just need to breathe through
not getting any of the roles I wanted.
-[laughs] -Yeah. I'm sorry.
If anything, it's an even bigger challenge
to shine in one of the smaller roles you didn't want, so...
Yeah.
Well, I didn't even realize how small mine was.
Well, I'm just gonna have--
I mean, literally, if I have, like, five lines,
I'm gonna make them the longest lines in the whole scene.
-[laughs] -Yeah. No, drawn out.
Admittedly, I'm not happy with my role.
But I know my skills. I know what I'm good at.
I know I can take the smallest character
and make it stand out.
Scrooge. Scrooge.
Scrudge!
And now I'm just excited to be Holly
for the next however many hours this is going to taaa...
aaa...
...take.
[chuckles]
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Oh, dear.
[both laugh]
This week's maxi-challenge
will be acting and starring
in Santa's School for Girls.
Ru, I'm ready for my closeup.
Ooh.
Young female ingénue, check.
Say hello to Janicza Bravo.
-Hi. -Hello.
Hi. Thank you so much for having me.
I am such a fan of all of you.
I can't wait to play with you today.
That's right, you're in the capable hands
of an A-list director.
Am I really auditioning for a role?
Janicza, hire me, girl.
I gotta put my big girl panty acting on.
My--wait.
I gotta put my big girl acting panties on.
Okay, Shea and Viv are first.
And action.
Welcome to Santa's School for Girls.
Thanks, Headmistress Nutmegan.
Noelle, please. Please, Noelle, call me Nutmeg.
That was fantastic.
What you're doing is magical,
and I love how you're playing with your mouth
and how you're moving through it.
Between the two of you, I would try to lose some of the air.
-It could be a bit snappier. -Cool.
And action.
Oh. Thank you, Headmistress Nutmegan.
Noelle, please. Please, Noelle, call me Nutmeg.
Listen, Noelle, at Santa's--
Ru, stop!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[all laugh]
And meanwhile, your ass looks mint.
Thank you.
Your ass is doing all the acting that you will ever need.
[all laugh]
All right, that's a wrap.
Phone my agent quick.
What's the new Hollywood blockbuster?
I mean, I'm in Hollywood.
There's no point in going home now.
[laughs]
And action.
This is Merry, Holly, and Joy,
the nice girls.
-Hail, Santa. -Hail, Santa.
And cut. For the "Hail, Santa,"
I think that's a great place
to kind of try and find the unity, right?
Because what I'm feeling is three individuals
as opposed to, like, one kind of nucleus.
-Does that make sense? -Yeah.
All: Hail, Santa.
[laughs]
You still believe in Santa?
[all gasp]
And cut.
In the moment where Shea says,
"You still believe in Santa,"
it would be amazing to have some kind of, like,
individual big feeling about what that is.
Like the... [gasp]?
Yes, yes, you know,
but feel it, like, from your feet up.
Awesome. Let's go again.
You guys still believe in Santa?
[all gasp] As in the jolly fat guy?
And cut.
I feel we wanna get a little bit bigger.
Yeah.
[all gasp]
-As in the jolly old fat guy? -Aah!
Ahh...
That's enough!
And cut. That was beautiful.
That was so fun.
It was individual, but unified.
I am in love with Janicza Bravo.
She is possibly the best, most dedicated person
I have ever seen in that director's seat.
Plus, she speaks in the hippie words that I understand.
"Energy."
It still had a good deal of energy,
and that was just really exciting.
"Divine."
The delivery feels divine.
"Manifest."
I really still wanna be able to feel you.
We could vibe, and I'm going to give her my best because of it.
All right, moving on to our second setup.
I love your dreads. They look so real.
They are, Ru.
I took off that bald cap I've been wearing all season.
[all laugh]
I was, like, I've had it.
I wanna show Ru the real me.
[all laugh]
Action.
Absolutely beautiful, girls.
As the late, great Bob "Diana" Ross once said,
we don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents.
And cut.
-You're doing this Womana voice. -Yeah.
I think Monét's regular voice is Womana enough for me.
Okay.
Can I hear you say the first few lines
without sounding like Janice from the Muppets?
[all laugh]
And action.
Absolutely beautiful, girls.
Oh, as the great Bob "Diana" Ross said,
we don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents.
That felt so much better.
I don't know if that felt better for you.
-It did, it did. Yeah. -It did, right?
I felt who Monét is as a teacher.
I felt Earth Mother in there.
[deep voice] Oh, yeah, I'll do it that way.
[all laugh]
And action.
Noelle, why are you over there talking to those losers?
I heard they're here on scholarship.
Scholarship? I've never gotten a scholarship.
In fact, my parents have to pay extra
for me to even come here.
And cut.
Jaida, I just wanna commend you on your physicality.
Even when you weren't speaking,
you were so inside of that character,
and I think that that's so beautiful,
and it shines, so bravo.
-Thank you. -And then Trinity,
instead of going dumb and giggly,
you're going ehh.
She laughs at her own dumbness,
but it's not, like, oh, help me, you know?
Okay, so just be dumb and silly.
Dumb and silly and fun.
You love being dumb.
-Okay, I love being dumb. -Yeah.
[all laugh]
Yeah, take pleasure in your absence.
-Okay. -Yes.
I love this direction for me.
[all laugh]
I've never even gotten a scholarship.
In fact, my parents paid extra for me to even be here.
-[laughs] -Cut.
I saw the pleasure in your absence.
It was funnier.
Okay, good. Hello, award-winning stupid.
Ha!
And action.
Miss Scrooge, you're late.
Sorry. I was giving my boyfriend a frosty.
[all gasp] Oh, come, all ye faithful.
And cut.
Raja, you were wonderful.
I love your attitude coming in.
That was so good, that swagger was so good.
I wanna also be super pointed when you deliver that line.
-Okay. -And action.
Sorry. I was giving my boyfriend a frosty.
[all gasp]
Oh, come, all ye faithful.
[RuPaul laughs]
Eew!
So cute.
And cut.
-[laughs] -That felt great.
I loved how you sold your line, Raja.
Like this?
Ultimately, I wanna make people laugh through this character,
and show an endearing side to her, you know?
I mean, she's going through a lot.
Maybe there's a reason why she's so angsty,
and that has to come through as well.
You know, acting.
Method.
We gotta move on, great.
-Action. -Come on, girls.
Let's go brush our teeth and trim our trees
in case Santa comes in the night.
And cut. I have a question.
Is there some joke to be had
around "Let's go brush our teeth
and trim our trees in case Santa comes in the night?"
Does "come" do something for you?
-Oh, does it. -Come does a lot for me.
Okay, great.
Yeah, I would play with that.
I wanna hear it more.
So I would just color those lines a little bit more,
so I can hear the sort of waxing of the crotch
and then the potential coming, right?
I wanna hear both of those.
Let's try one more, and have fun, loosen it up.
Come on, girls.
Let's go brush our teeth and trim our trees
in case Santa comes in the night.
Amazing, amazing.
I thought Santa was coming.
[laughs] Stupid.
It's great. I think we have it.
Stupid.
We got it. We definitely got it.
That was beautiful.
I think Paramount+
is gonna be calling for the series.
[all laugh]
-Left, right, left, right. -Left, right, left, right.
Oh, my God, we're both too old for this.
Oh, my God, Jinkx.
You're a full six years younger than me.
Oh, my God.
Take it in, bitch.
Aah!
Today we get to see our final product
of Santa's School for Girls.
And more importantly,
we're gonna learn what the judges think about it.
So I got my little fingies crossed,
because I think half the girls in the room, given the chance,
they would block me, you know?
But I'm also the only girl who's been blocked twice,
so maybe, maybe the girls will have pity on me.
[laughs]
-Christina! -Christina!
Bring me the axe.
Aah!
[all laugh]
Wait. Do you understand what pussy poppin' is now
at this point?
Right, I think it's this. Is it this?
-Yes! -Is it?
Yes!
Is it?
Pussy, pussy, pussy poppin'.
Okay.
You've gotta do that for the lip sync.
Oh, so you think I'm in the lip sync?
It was so good, Viv.
Like, really good.
So iconic, so memorable.
I mean, I had two lines, but, hey.
Yeah, I think you had a small part,
but you really, like, did, like, really great work with it.
-You really did, yeah. -Thank you, thank you.
And the best part about it was Trinity didn't even have to act.
She just had to read the lines.
[all laugh]
I feel like Monét killed her part.
Girl, that note, that worked so well
once you changed that voice up.
She said, Monét, go deeper.
[laughs] She sure did.
[deep voice] Okay, Simba.
And, oh, my gosh, Raja was so funny.
Speak for yourself.
[laughs]
I had a blast filming Santa's School for Girls.
I'm very excited to see it.
It's like when you've gotta go to the bathroom
and you're trying to reach for your house keys
and you can't get the house keys
and you end up pissing on yourself?
I'm beyond that point.
I'm past looking for the keys.
I've already pissed on myself or something like that.
I just would like to remind the group
there are two people that still have not been blocked.
I just wanna just throw that out there.
Leave me alone, please!
Y'all are sheisty bitches.
I don't trust any of you.
[all laugh]
I'll say this now. I have three stars.
That's probably at this point enough to get into the top,
but we don't know for sure.
So what would be the point of blocking somebody
if you think they're in the top?
[laughs] Jaida, you better--
Jaida's like, I'm just--
She is campaigning, and she's like, I have already arrived.
-I'm a politician. -I am the winner.
I'm definitely not buying what Jaida is selling.
No. No.
Jaida? Jaida.
[laughs]
She has three stars.
This bitch cannot come in here and get a fourth one. No, ma'am.
There's also the complete chance
that the other bitches who are at two
can rise to three-plus, like, that--
Or the other girls that have one star
could just get the next couple of wins.
Like, y'all saw it with me and Jaida,
that if a twist does come,
it can completely change where you are in the competition.
-Yeah, and then maybe-- -Or bitch, down.
Maybe the person with three stars,
there's another twist coming, like their ankle.
Okay, Tonya.
[all laugh]
I feel like if I were being chased
in a horror film by a serial killer,
I would literally be, like, no, stop it!
No! No, please, stop!
-I love that run! -Stop chasing me!
Okay, you're asking to be killed.
No, that is not how they do it in the movies, bitch.
The girl is always like, oh!
Oh, oh!
Oh!
[all laugh]
The killer's always just so calm, too.
He's always, like...
He's like, she's gonna trip at least five times.
I'm gonna catch up.
Right, literally the killer is, like, just walking.
-Right. -[laughs]
Then somehow he's behind the tree saying... I gotcha.
Not a breath gone. Nothing. Just, like...
[all laugh]
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪
And what?
How could she be this gorgeous?
After all these years, how could she be this gorgeous?
Maybe it's the PCP.
[all laugh]
Welcome to the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, All Winners.
Michelle Visage.
Now, what's your favorite Christmas song?
Ooh, Ru, it's a timeless classic:
Grandma Got Bent Over by a Reindeer.
[all laugh]
And she liked it.
[all laugh]
And the hilarious Ross Mathews.
Do you believe in Santa?
Well, I have sat on an old man's lap
to get presents.
Then yes.
[all laugh]
And our extra-special guest judge, Janicza Bravo.
Now, is this the best Christmas you've ever had?
Well, yes, because I'm Jewish.
[all laugh]
Shalom.
This week we challenged our queens
to act their jingle bells off in a campy holiday horror film.
And tonight on the runway,
category is Knitty Knitty Bang Bang.
[all laugh]
Racers, start your engines,
and may the best Legend win.
Up first, The Vivienne.
The designer here, Blanket Jackson.
[all laugh]
Vivienne: I am walking down the runway
like I'm trudging through mud
because this is the heaviest garment I've ever worn.
It's full wool, hand knitted, gown to the floor.
I'm sweating my minge off, but I feel fabulous.
Janicza: So elegant.
Ross: May I push your spool in?
RuPaul: Up next, Shea Couleé.
Oh, my God.
Out of this world.
Shea: I'm serving Ndebele tribe realness.
I've got this beautiful hand knit mini dress,
my cloak, this bald, gorgeous head, my beautiful headpiece
with my knit rings around my shoulders,
and my lovely legwarmers.
I am feeling like I'm the onliest Ndebele princess.
Ross: She's running rings around the other queens.
RuPaul: Yes, she is.
Yvie Oddly.
Michelle: Hey, Yvie, fancy a shag?
Yvie: I'm here to defend my entire people
against any yarn invaders.
Swinging these gigantic knitting needles,
even though I can't knit for shit.
I made the wig, I made the headpiece,
I dip-dyed it all myself,
and I'm just shimmying, shaking, and kicking it up.
Don't tell grandma the bathroom rug is couture.
[all laugh]
Jinkx Monsoon.
Michelle: Martha Stewart, I'm ready for my closeup.
Jinkx: This is based off of
one of my favorite old Hollywood performers,
Marlene Dietrich.
RuPaul: Why don't you come up and knot me sometime?
She's on husband number five,
and even though her life is filled with misery,
she must paint on a beautiful smile for her adoring public.
I loved her in Knits a Wonderful Life.
Yes, she was wonderful.
-Should have won the Oscar. -Should have.
[Michelle laughs]
RuPaul: Up next, Trinity the Tuck.
Michelle: All the way from Knit Jersey.
Trinity: A fan of mine actually made this for me.
The little doll that I have in my hands is called a Grumpkin,
and knitwear is not my thing, bitch.
My ass is not out in this, but don't it look cute?
Michelle: She's a shower, not a grower.
[all laugh]
RuPaul: Up next, from around the way, it's Monét.
Ooh, yes, honey,
she's carrying her little sister to school with her.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Monét?
Monét: Three.
Okay, good to know.
[all laugh]
Monét: I'm throwing it back with this look.
I have this cute hair,
I have these high-waisted booty shorts,
and I feel really fierce.
This lollipop is giving me the full fantasy,
and I'm just a bad bitch in kindergarten. What up?
Janicza: Break me off a piece of that.
-Mm-hmm. -Yes.
RuPaul: Jaida Essence Hall.
Janicza: Uh-oh, bless you.
RuPaul: Come on, Afro-puffs.
Michelle: Jaida comes equipped with cable...knit.
[all laugh]
Jaida: I am paying homage to one of my favorite shows
when I was little: The Big, Comfy Couch.
I wanna feel very comfortable, very knitted,
very cutesy-cutesy-cutesy.
And I'm even coming out
with a little bit of redness on my nose
because I'm sicky-wicky,
and I want my mommy to take care of me.
Ross: Well, now, come on, that's a blanket statement.
-Yes, it is. -It is.
RuPaul: Up next, Raja.
Michelle: I think you mean Kniterella.
RuPaul: Yes.
Ross: So you're telling me you can only fist with one arm.
[all laugh]
Raja: This is a look that is based on the juxtaposition
of something that is completely futuristic and modern
and something as ancient as weaving.
Honey, Miss She-3PO is now a knitting grandmother,
and I think that's the aesthetic.
RuPaul: I'll have the gold plate special.
[all laugh]
♪ Old friends gold ♪
Welcome, ladies.
Tonight, RuPaullywood Studios
presents the world premiere
of Santa's School for Girls,
rated "S" for "sickening."
[all laugh]
[eerie music]
Noelle.
Welcome to Santa's School for Girls.
Your transcripts are very impressive
for a homeschooled girl.
Oh. Thank you, Headmistress Nut--
Please, Noelle, call me Nutmeg.
Volunteering for Doctors Without Borders in Namibia
was the best education I could ask for.
You already have your Christmas tree up.
But it's only September.
At Santa's School for Girls,
we strive to bring young women back to a more traditional time.
We want to make Christmas great again.
Oh, okay.
I wanna make your yuletide gay,
as in festive, not homosexual.
Oh, girls.
The nice girls.
They'll make sure you don't end up on Santa's naughty list.
I'm Merry, the leader of the nice girls,
and all I want for Christmas is unity and love.
Hee-hee.
I'm Holly, the alco--shopaholic.
My daddy's credit card and free shipping
are a few of my favorite things.
And I'm Joy.
I like nogegg.
I mean eggnog.
All: Hail, Santa.
You still believe in Santa?
[all gasp]
As in the jolly old fat guy?
-Aah! -Oh!
Nine lords a'leaping, this is heresy!
[devil voice] You shall not speak
of the bearded one that way!
Yeah, what they said.
I mean, a majority of the world
doesn't even celebrate Christmas.
-Hanukkah. -Aah!
-Kwanzaa. -Ahh.
-Winter solstice. -Aah!
That's enough!
Here, we only have one holiday, and that's Christmas.
You got that, sis?
That reminds me of a song.
Hit it!
♪ Hey, sis, it's Christmas ♪
♪ You can cross me off of your wishlist ♪
♪ Call Santa Claus and the missus ♪
♪ We gonna have the best Christmas that ever existed ♪
[turns off music] This is not a musical.
Girls, why don't you take Noelle to Miss Toe's art class?
-Yes, Headmistress. -Yes, Headmistress.
-Merry Christmas, Headmistress. -Merry Christmas, Headmistress.
Come on!
[laughs]
[giggles]
Oh, by the way, I noticed Miss Corn
was putting up some fall decorations.
They looked like pumpkins.
Pumpkins? Pumpkins?!
But pumpkins are for Halloween,
and that's the Devil's holiday!
Just thought you'd like to know.
Prancer, send Miss Candy Corn to my office immediately!
Now, where did I put those Christmas cookies?
Whoops.
Wrong drawer.
It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas--
[whispers] I mean murder.
Beautiful, girls.
Oh! As the great Bob "Diana" Ross once said,
we don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents.
[laughs]
Welcome, Noelle.
Thank you, Miss Toe.
Please, call me by my first name.
All my friends do. Camel.
Wait. Your name is Camel Toe?
[laughs] That's right,
and I have weed gummies in my car if you want some.
[laughs]
Cool teacher here. Cool teacher.
Miss Scrooge, you're late.
Sorry. I was giving my boyfriend a frosty.
[all gasp]
Oh, come, all ye faithful.
Oh, eew!
So cute.
-Hey, new girl. -Yeah?
I'm Scrooge.
Short for Lisa.
I'm Hannah,
and even though she's a goth
and I'm a nerd, we're BFFs.
Hannah, do you hear what I hear?
Miss Corn went missing.
She's the fifth teacher to disappear this week.
Did you say Miss Corn?
I overheard the headmistress call her into her office.
Noelle, why are you over there talking to those losers?
I heard they're here on scholarship.
I've never even gotten a scholarship.
In fact, my parents paid extra for me to be here.
You know, Merry, bullying people isn't very Christmas-like.
What would Santa do?
He'd put coal in your stocking.
-[laughs] -Then shove it up your ass.
-[gasps] -Ladies, ladies.
[deep voice] Knock it off!
My classroom will always be a safe space.
Let's share our paintings with the class.
Merry, Holly, Joy?
All: Hail, Santa.
Impressive, but I'd have really loved
to see you all express
your individual personalities, ladies.
Hannah, let's see yours.
It's a Santa self-portrait if he were Frida Kahlo.
Muy caliente bien,Hannah. Scrooge.
Mine shows the real Santa. [laughs]
[thunder]
Do you see what I see?
I don't think Santa would appreciate that very much.
Actually, I was reading in a book
that Christmas was constructed
to replace a pagan holiday
that the church found threatening.
Is that true?
That's not what headmistress said.
It's just art, ladies.
Art is all about expression.
[laughs]
[thinking] Should I just go back to selling crystals
at the swap meet?
Not today, Santa. Not today.
I wonder if Santa will bring me that platinum tennis bracelet.
I wonder if Santa's hung... by the chimney.
Am I the only one who knows that Santa's not real?
Is everyone at this school psycho?
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Doobie-doobie-doo ♪
Who let the dogs out?
[bell rings]
Okay, okay, class dismissed.
Let me know if anyone needs a lift
to Planned Parenthood or anything.
Cool teacher, cool teacher.
♪ Hey, sis, it's Christmas ♪
♪ You can cross me off of your wishlist ♪
♪ Call Santa Claus and the missus ♪
This is not a musical!
♪ We gonna have the best Christmas that ever existed ♪
That's weird. I smell... Christmas cookies?
[gasps] Oh!
Oh! Oh!
You missed me! [laughs]
Aah!
I'm still alive, bitch.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
That's the one.
How come when there's a senseless string of murders,
people always suspect me?
Hey, Noelle, want a swig of my eggnog?
-Pass. -Check out all the stuff
I got at the mall.
I'm in a lot of debt.
Ugh. Look, it's the devil worshippers.
Just because we don't believe in Santa
does not mean we worship the Devil.
[laughs] Speak for yourself.
Hey, who's that above your bed?
That's Elvira.
Obsessed.
I'm gonna be her for Halloween.
-[gasps] -You celebrate Halloween?
Yeah. Check this out.
-What? -[gasps]
Wait. Is that a bloody axe?
[all gasp]
Interesting, considering there have
been so many murders around here lately.
Oh, look, a red herring.
Come on, girls.
Let's go brush our teeth and trim our trees
in case Santa comes in the night.
Scrooge, where did you get all that stuff?
I could go shopping for Halloween, too.
Maybe I could get some cat ears or something.
-Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. -[screams]
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Holly's dead!
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
Cool.
We have to do something before Santa slays again.
But Santa's not real!
[laughs]
Santa's not real?
I'll show you Santa's not real!
-Aah! -We have to call the police!
What's the number for 911?
Oh! Here!
Send someone to the girls' school!
Santa's straight-up murdering people!
I'm sure if Santa's killing people,
he has a good reason.
Ooh!
Ugh! Ooh! Aah!
-Ugh! -Aah!
Wait a second, I smell gingerbread.
The main ingredient in gingerbread is nutmeg,
which is the nickname of...
[gasps] What?
All: Headmistress Nutmegan?
Well, ya got me, girl.
-What? -But why?
I did it to preserve the meaning of Christmas.
None of this "happy holidays" nondenominational bull-tinsel!
Where you're headed, Santa won't be coming down your chimney.
Because prisons don't have chimneys.
Duh.
And I would have gotten away with it, too,
if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Hail, Santa! Hail, Santa!
Uh, who wants Halloween candy?
Oh, I do, I do!
Yes, please!
I have a confession to make.
This is fun.
It feels like the beginning of something,
which reminds me of a song!
-Oh, no. -Hit it!
Bitch, do not do it.
♪ This is the beginning, the beginning ♪
♪ This is the beginning of the rest of your life ♪
All: This is not a musical!
Did I deserve to get murdered? No.
Am I glad to have the holiday off?
Hell, yeah. [laughs]
Happy holidays, everyone.
Raahhh!
Oh, yay. [applause]
That was so good!
Wow.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
[RuPaul laughs]
Wow, a cinematic triumph.
[all laugh]
It's time now for the judges' critiques,
starting with The Vivienne.
I can't even tell you how much I enjoyed your role.
It was Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford
with Kim Woodburn and a touch of the orange menace.
And the way you dialed the phone,
which was basically just slapping it
and beating it up, I loved.
I also love how you refuse
to direct your attention to your costars.
You perform every line to the back.
So funny.
I can't imagine anyone else doing that role.
I also thought your exit was divine.
I mean, I really felt your fight,
and it delighted me so, so very much.
And this look tonight, okay, do you know how wrong it is
that a heavy knit makes a beautiful ball gown?
It shouldn't work, but it does.
This is just so magical, I wanna crawl up inside it,
and if there's room, I'm available.
You did a killer job. [laughs]
Thank you.
Up next, it's Shea Couleé.
-Hi! -Oh, my gosh,
this outfit will go down in Drag Racehistory
as something so special and so innovative.
On so many levels, it's amazing.
The way you did your eyes,
the halo effect, the balding of the head.
I'm gobsmacked. I just--
There aren't enough words for how phenomenal this is.
Your part in the movie would freak me out as a performer,
because you can't do the zany stuff,
you have to be the voice of reason in this crazy world.
This is not a musical.
It wouldn't work if you didn't nail it,
and you nailed it.
You are an actor, you are an actress.
You did just amazing.
I hope you're proud when you watch the work that you did.
-I am. Thank you. -Good. You should be.
-Thank you, Shea. -Thank you.
Up next, it's Yvie Oddly.
-Look at those knockers. -[laughs]
The way that you play mischievousness
is just so delightful.
There's a thing that happens in the eye, in the mouth,
and it was just so delicious.
And this is just amazing.
Your face looks so beautiful tonight.
This is one of those looks
that I've been working on for, like, four or five months.
Well, baby, it shows, down to the boots.
I mean, the headpiece.
Yvie, this is what I love about you.
It is next level Yvie Oddly.
Not a lot of people could pull this off.
But when you come out here in it,
it's, like, of course that's what she's gonna do.
You are in an orbit all your own.
Thank you for having us.
[laughs]
-Well, thank you so much. -Thank you.
Straight from old Hollywood, Jinkx Monsoon.
My goodness, ladykins.
You have this ability in the first word or two,
with every single character, to let us know who you are.
I'm Holly.
As soon as you opened your mouth with that vocal fry,
I understood exactly who you were.
And when you turned from vocal fry to devil...
[devil voice] You shall not speak
of the bearded one that way!
Was that a character choice that you made?
You're fucked up, you know that?
[all laugh]
-Thank you. -This wasn't really a big role.
You added so much color and flavor and texture to this role.
Tonight on the runway, you told such a beautiful story.
From the moment you entered, there was this kind of drama
and a total piece of theater.
I was absolutely enthralled.
You have no idea how much this dress is sparkling on stage.
It is so gorgeous.
-Thank you, Jinkx. -Thank you.
Up next, Trinity the Tuck.
-Hey. -Hey.
You were so fun to watch in the acting challenge.
I like nogegg.
I mean eggnog.
You were game to get down and get dumb.
It was just such a treat.
The dumb character always works if the actress commits,
and you were just so committed, and it was so funny.
This outfit is, like, so twisted, Trinity.
Leopard-color hair? Yes, please.
Then you paired it with lavender,
which is such a gorgeous combination.
It doesn't make sense, yet it does.
I love it, too.
-It's really fabulous. -Thank you.
Up next, Monét X Change.
All right, let's talk about your cool teacher.
I loved this character.
Call me by my first name. All my friends do.
[chuckles] Camel.
Every funny line was just nailed.
You didn't miss a single opportunity for a laugh.
I love that you treated some of them
like they were these Shakespearean asides,
and I just thought you did so fantastic,
and you should feel really, really good
about the performance that you gave.
This is so Monét.
You came out in a knitted, puffy parka
with a bow in your hair, tight curls,
little poom-poom booty shorts.
This is adorable,
and something you would see in Brooklyn,
even in the summer.
[all laugh]
I feel this look is going to be copied
at the highest end, at the lowest end.
I mean, it is just really wow.
-Well done. -Thank you, Ru.
Up next, Jaida Essence Hall.
Ah-choo!
[all laugh]
Did Jaida do that?
The mannerisms when you spoke and you shoved your glasses up,
those little things that are the quintessential nerd character
completely worked.
You're a really good listener,
because so much of that character
is taking in and then responding to the elements,
and it was just so fantastic.
You took it and you ran with it,
and you and Scrooge had this little relationship going.
You played off of each other, that worked really well.
It was just all really well done.
I loved it.
Tonight on the runway, I mean, your face is just stunning.
I'd like to lick it. May I?
[all laugh]
You just look so divine.
The palette is just dreamy.
I'm thinking of lavender fields.
It's just so magical.
Any time you put some Afro-puffs on either side,
it takes me there.
There was a TV show years ago called The Big, Comfy Couch.
Aah!
That's what I was going for!
Yes, well, you went fully for it.
I love it, because you've updated it,
and you made it drag.
-Really, really well done. -Thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
Raja, this outfit is to die for.
This is what a superstar wears on stage.
So beautiful and so original.
You are beaming.
You are on fire.
I mean, it's transcendent.
Thank you.
Let's talk about Scrooge.
It was hilar-i-ous.
I was giving my boyfriend a frosty.
[all gasp] Oh, come, all ye faithful.
You knew your camera.
I felt you playing to the audience.
You were playing to the guys all the way in the back row,
and that was divine.
I loved all those moments of you going eh, eh, eh, eh.
That is just so kind of John Waters of you.
-Yeah. -You took it there
to a drag level that I personally get off on.
[laughs]
Thank you, ladies. I think we've heard enough.
While you enjoy a House of Love cocktail in the werkroom,
the judges and I will deliberate.
You may leave the stage.
All right, now, just between us squirrel friends,
whaddaya think? Pros and cons.
We need to find a top two, which is not gonna be easy.
You know, Trinity is so funny.
Every time I wanted to laugh while watching this film,
I could just look to Trinity to see what she was doing.
I will say she did the least
of all the sisters with her character,
but it was still funny.
I get what you mean by saying she may have done the least,
but I felt her least was also kind of the most.
I mean, the way she uses her face,
the way she uses her eyes, I mean, she is, like, so in it.
And on the runway, can someone just take me to Aspen
so I can just, like, wrap up in that by the fire, please?
Do you want marshmallows in your cocoa?
Duh. Hell, am I a human being?
[all laugh] It was so chic,
but also comfortable.
Like, I wanted to hug her
and then do a high fashion photo shoot with her.
-Ooh. -Oh, my goodness.
I could not take my eyes off of Viv.
That was a freaking master class.
She had me from her first line,
and I didn't want to be let go of.
And when she was gone, I kind of missed her.
She was every movie star
I've ever wanted to meet in my entire life.
She was Joan Crawford, Gloria Swanson, Faye Dunaway
all mixed into one campy lead character.
And on the runway, how do you make
the hugest carpet/rug/ whatever it is,
how do you make it look like a couture gown?
I have a weighted blanket at home,
and I might try to do the same.
Good luck. [all laugh]
I love that Jaida is taking this time
to show us that she is more than we even thought she was.
She leaned totally
into being that nerdy girl who didn't believe,
and I thought it was just a great juxtaposition.
She went full-throttle, and I thought she did an adorable job.
-Jaida has range. -Yeah.
And on the runway, wow, I was for it.
Her face is ridiculous.
I mean, really, I was sort of, like,
drifting to lavender fields as I was looking at her.
And Raja, "Scrooge is short for Lisa."
[all laugh]
Need I say more?
From the moment she landed at that easel, she had us, right?
She's one of my favorites.
There wasn't a false note in her performance.
What a curious choice for a goth, right?
Like, there is a trope
that we might imagine that part should be played like,
and she had this nuance about her
that was just really special.
I couldn't stop watching her,
and that look tonight on the runway, my goodness.
Come on.
That outfit belongs on stage at Madison Square Garden.
That part.
Just gorgeous. All right, silence.
I've made my decision.
Bring back my Legends.
Welcome back, ladies.
Based on your Santa's School for Girlsperformances--
oh, based on your San-- Welcome back, ladies.
[all laugh]
Let me change the battery. Hold on.
[all laugh]
Put her in rice.
Exactly.
All right, does anybody else smell burnt toast?
[all laugh]
Welcome back, ladies.
Now, based on your Santa's School for Girlsperformances
and your knitted runway presentations,
I've made some decisions.
The top two All Stars of the week are...
The Vivienne
and Raja.
Oh, my God!
Yes, Raj! [applause]
-Cool! -Get it, Raj!
Oh, my God!
Con-drag-ulations.
You've each earned a legendary Legend Star.
And you're both one step closer to the grand finale
Lip Sync Lalaparuza Smackdown for the crown.
Ladies, the rest of you may take a seat.
Fuck it up.
Whew.
Two Legends stand before me.
Viv, Raja,
this is your chance to impress me,
win $10,000,
and earn the power
to block one of your fellow queens
from receiving a legendary Legend Star next week.
The time has come... [thunder]
for you to lip sync...
[echoing] for your legacy!
Good luck, and don't fuck it up.
[music plays]
♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪
♪ The kind you don't take home to mother ♪
♪ She will never let your spirits down ♪
♪ Once you get her off the street ♪
Oh, girl.
♪ She's all right, she's all right ♪
♪ That girl's all right with me ♪
-Raja is turning it. -Yes.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
[all laugh]
♪ She's a super freak, super freak ♪
♪ That girl is pretty kinky ♪
♪ The girl's a super freak ♪
♪ The kind of girl you read about ♪
♪ In New Wave magazines ♪
♪ That girl is pretty wild now ♪
♪ The girl's a super freak ♪
♪ I really like to taste her ♪
♪ Every time we meet ♪
♪ She's all right, she's all right ♪
♪ That girl's all right with me ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
-Oh! -Oh!
♪ She's a super freak, super freak ♪
-Nice save! -♪ She's super freaky, yeow ♪
Blow, Danny!
[saxophone solo]
[cheers and applause]
Blow, daddy!
Raja!
Ladies, I've made my decision.
Raja, con-drag-ulations. You're a winner.
No way!
[laughter and applause]
You've won a cash tip of $10,000.
-Yes! -Oh, my God.
Congrats!
The Vivienne, you are free to slay another day.
You may step to the back of the stage.
Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
[applause]
Queens, please join Raja on the main stage.
Raja, with great power comes great responsibility.
Using the Platinum Plunger...
[all laugh]
Show us which queen you've chosen to block.
I'm just gonna let the Plunger guide my way.
Oh! [laughs]
I finally get the power to block someone,
and I love it.
Hmm.
I love you.
How much do you love me, baby?
A lot.
-Monét. -[speaking gibberish]
[both speaking gibberish]
I earned it, I deserve it.
Somebody's gonna get blocked tonight,
and it's gonna be because I did it,
and I am ecstatic.
Am I--am I dead now?
[all laugh]
Do you love me, baby?
Only you.
[chuckles] Hi.
Oh, damn. [all laugh]
Damn it!
Jaida Essence Hall, next week you can compete and even win,
but Raja has blocked you from earning a legendary Legend Star.
The sword cuts both ways.
Ooh!
Con-drag-ulations, All Stars.
And remember, if you can't love yourself,
how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Can I get an "amen" up in hurr?
-Amen! -Amen!
All right. Now let the music play.
[music plays]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪
RuPaul: Next time onAll Stars...
[all laugh]
I thought we were best friends!
Sit your ass down, sit your ass down.
For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to create your own social media dance challenge
that's so enter-tainting it could go viral.
The fuck are you doing?
Remember the cinnamon challenge?
I hope you have a glass of milk.
It's gonna be a lot to swallow.
If you're in the top this week, who do you block?
Well, I would be the next to be blocked, wouldn't I be?
Because I've never been.
I wanna know what's going on when you get that plunger,
because those bitches know something.
Everything you did was funnier than the next.
Tonight for you, tour de farce.
[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]
♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪